All language subtitles for Reginald.the.Vampire.S01E07.WEBRip.x264-ION10

Previously on
"Reginald the Vampire"...

I've never felt
like this before.

He is everything
in the world to me.

I'm looking
for a particular herb.

It's called herb-of-the-cross.

The blood we take can heal them

if we give it back.
- Listen to me.

Don't worry, Reginald.

It'll be over

before you know what hit you.

There's no way that Sarah--

my Sarah--
is a vampire slayer.

Here.
This'll calm you down.

Hey, Mr. Bluebird.

Ain't life just grand?

♪ My name is Nikki ♪

♪ His name is Reggie ♪

♪ His voice
is like an angel's ♪

♪ Every word he says
just melts me ♪

♪ Oh, where is he? ♪

♪ Have you seen him? ♪

♪ He left me at this hotel ♪

♪ While I was sleeping ♪

♪ But I'm gonna find him ♪

♪ Even if it takes all day ♪

♪ 'Cause I'm in love ♪

♪ With Reginald the vampire ♪

♪ I've got new feelings ♪

♪ That he's inspired ♪

♪ And I'll give him
all the love ♪

♪ That he requires ♪

Once I find him.

I'm going
to make a wild guess.

Just a stab in the dark,

you're looking for Reginald.

About 5'5".
Cute smile.

- Mm-hmm.
- Bald.

♪ Yes, I am ♪

♪ Have you seen him? ♪

Yes.

No.

Don't care.

If I didn't have
a busy morning planned

looking for the man I love,

you and I would be knee-deep

in your intestines by now.

Here you go.

- Thank you.
- Have a good day.

Hi.
Is Reginald here?

Why is everyone looking
for Reginald?

If you were looking
for someone,

wouldn't Reginald
be your first choice?

Probably not.

I mean, maybe,
but no, probably not.

Do you know what's weird?
- Every single time.

I feel like I should
be searching for someone,

but I don't know who it is
or why I feel like that.

But no matter what I do,

I can't get the idea
outta my head.

Golly, that's interesting.

And as much
as I would love to stay

and dig deeper
into your head...

I must continue my search
for Reginald,

the bestest, kindest,
roundest--

- Hi. I'm Claire.
- Hi, Claire.

Do you know where Reginald is?

But I know him.

We're basically best friends.

Maybe you and me can talk
for a while

and that'll help you find him?

Can I ask you
a personal question?

Ask away, little human.

You're a vampire.
Don't try to it.

- Statement, not a question.
- Still--

What on Earth
would make you think that?

You've got an umbrella
to keep you safe

from the sun,
there's blood on your neck,

and you know Reginald's
deepest, darkest secret,

like you were two
of the same kind.

You're not afraid of me.

- No.
- You should be.

I don't scare easy.

Wait.

You want something from me.

How brave you are.

What do you want?
Tell me everything.

I'm fascinated.

I feel nauseous
and emotional.

I have this weird feeling
all the time.

And I don't remember
when it started,

but every day
it gets worse, bigger.

And I'm not saying that's
because, you know, puberty--

It isn't.

I can see that.

I can smell it too.

You can smell feelings?

Speaking of feelings,

at the moment,

mine are huge
and uncontrollable,

volcano-sized.

And while I could sit here
and talk for hours,

I must instead
go share this bounty

of my undying affections
with my new lover.

Wait.

I have a proposition for you.

It's a life or death situation.

Maybe we can get together,
talk it over?

What do you say to that?

I'd say,

how's about tonight?

♪ Oh, where is he? ♪

♪ Have you seen him? ♪

♪ He left me at this hotel ♪

While I was sleeping.

♪ But I'm gonna find him ♪

♪ Even if it takes all day ♪

What are you doing here,
Nikki?

Delivering gifts
to my new lover.

Is he here?

Wait.
You saved Reginald?

Saved?

I made sweet love to him

until he purred
like a hundred kittens.

Or puppies,
but puppies don't purr.

But if they did...

Look, Nikki, I don't know
how to explain this to you

in a way
you're gonna understand,

but please,
just do me the favor of trying.

Okay, Mo-Mo. Spill.

Okay.

Reginald has a lot on his plate
right now.

Like I told him,
The Assessment's coming up,

and he needs to focus
on his training,

because, as you know,
if he fails that,

your "new lover" becomes
your "permanently dead lover."

Not to mention the most
important thing of all,

and I'm sorry to be the one
to tell you this, but...

look, Reggie has a girlfriend.

Yeah,
it's his vampire life goal.

Girlfriend?

How human of him.

I'm sure
we'll all get on famously.

Are you a couple sighs away
from reaching the point yet?

Look, Nikki, hear me like
your life is at stake, okay?

Stop messing with Reginald.
He can't handle it.

Life. Stake.

If I knew you were this funny,
I would've come sooner.

But all the same,
it was really nice

to have this chat
with you, Maurice.

Wait for it.

Yeah.

Yeah, it was nice
meeting you too, Nikki.

It was nice.

But Reginald is a big boy
who can make his own decisions.

And if you ever try
to take him away from me again,

it won't be such
a pleasant chat next time.

Hey, Reginald's not a toy.

He can't make decisions
for himself.

He's still too human.

Don't you remember
how that felt?

Thirsty and horny.

Miss, are you okay?

I'm okay.

Uh, yeah.

Thank you.

Reginald?

It's Reg, but I can't
answer the phone, so beep--

Reginald Andres.

He's about 5'5".

Cute smile, bald.

We checked in last night.

I haven't seen anyone
leave this morning

that fits that description,

but if he comes by,

I'll let him know
you were looking for him.

Miss Kinney?
- Hmm?

You're all set.

Oh.

Come on.

I feel like...

Pretty sure we agreed

that if I let you
switch shifts with Ashley,

you'd be here early to open.

Yeah.
We talked about that, right?

It wasn't a dream.

What wasn't a dream?

Everything.

It's so------ up and surreal.

My memories, my actions.

I don't know
what's happening to me.

I have to find Reginald.

Sarah.

What the hell?

I know it's been a while.

Oh, shit,
I don't wanna start like that.

Every prayer starts like that

when you haven't prayed
in a while.

Honestly,

this was the only thing
I ever bought from you guys:

a guardian angel
who watches over me.

That's just nice

and doesn't strain credulity
in any weird, obvious way.

I know
that you're not my therapist,

or my priest,
or my friend.

I don't know what you are,

but I just need someone
to listen.

So if you're listening,

my name is Sarah

and my life
has recently been weird.

I'm in love

with a man who orbits
around that weirdness,

or maybe the weirdness
is on his axis,

but... please protect me
and Reginald.

Make us both stronger
than what we currently are

for each other
and for ourselves.

Whoever you are...

thanks.

And, um, till next time,
or decade,

or personal crisis,

amen.

Okay.

Hey, Sarah.

I'm--
I'm looking for Reginald.

You and me both.

Come in.

It feels like a dream,

but the more the day goes by,
the less it feels like that.

And this isn't even
the first time

this has happened,

these missing pieces
inside my head.

I don't understand
what's happening to me.

And sometimes,

I don't know if I wanna
kiss him or kill him.

How's that even possible?

That confusion
you're feeling,

it will fade

until all you wanna do is kiss.

Okay?
Trust me on that.

But until it does,

maybe just keep your distance.

I...

I would never...

hurt Reginald.

I care so much about him.

And that's something
that grows and grows,

so why would I ever
do anything to ruin that?

I don't understand.

Sarah,

if you let me,

I can make sure this
never happens to you again.

Promise?

Reginald--

♪ Good morning ♪

♪ Good morning ♪

♪ Such a glorious day ♪
- Aah!

♪ Good morning ♪

♪ Good morning ♪

♪ Don't waste it all away ♪

♪ Turn on the radio ♪

♪ Let's all enjoy
this happy day ♪

♪ Good morning ♪

♪ Good morning ♪

♪ Good morning ♪

♪ Good morning ♪

♪ Good morning ♪

Good morning, sir.
How can--

Sarah Kinney!

Has she checked out yet?

Sarah Kinney.

Yes.

She checked out this morning, Reginald.

Ah, you might want
to put on pants

before you go outside.

Pants are customary inside too,

but not much I can do about--

- Excuse me.
- Hey.

- Smock up, friendo.
- Uh--

I'm not gonna thank you, Reginald,

but with the day
I've been having--

I mean,
the whole week actually--

it almost makes me want to.

What's with the umbrella?

Have you seen Sarah?

I wanna talk to the manager.

You just missed her.
First she shows up late

for her switch shift
with Ashley, acting all crazy,

and then
she just walked out the door.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Is this some weird game
between you two?

Because I do have the power
to fire you both.

Todd, look.
Thank you.

I sympathize.
I totally understand.

Thanks, man,
that actually means a lot

that you're listening--what?

Where are you going, Reg?

No, no, no, no, no, no.
Come back, please.

Please, Reg!
Reg! Reg! Reg!

Yeesh.

- You missed training.
- Have you seen Sarah anywhere?

I'm trying to find her,
and she's not at her apartment,

or the Slushy Shack,
or where I left her.

What if she's hurt?

What if I'm going crazy?

What if you die
at The Assessment?

I don't have time
for that right now.

Reggie,
get ahold of yourself.

The Assessment is literally

the only damn thing
you have time for.

And it was going so well.

Nice dinner.

We got to the hotel room.

And then she went
to the bathroom,

where she tried to kill me!

Start from the beginning. Slowly.

What happened last night?

Sarah and I had a date
at the hotel restaurant.

We went up
to the room together.

We were about to get in bed

when she went into the bathroom
and came back with a stake

and tried to stab me
through the heart with it.

She wasn't herself.

She was insane,

so I got out of there,
locked her in a closet

so she wouldn't try to kill me.

But then, I came back
to find her this morning,

and she was gone.

But this was right
where she left it.

It's like
someone glamoured her,

but who would glamour Sarah
like that?

Angela.

Angela would glamour Sarah
like that.

She saw an opportunity
to make a move

when you were most vulnerable,
and she made it.

Angela turned Sarah
into her killer,

and you were the target.

How do you know that?

Wait a sec.

You talked to Sarah already,
didn't you?

Yeah.

Yeah, Sarah's looking for you,

but I wanted to hear your
version of last night first.

Look, the thing
with this sort of glamour is--

well, there's a chance
that Sarah might still have

a homicidal urge or two, okay?

And I strongly encourage you
to wait a few days

just to make sure
it's fully worn off.

I don't have time for that.

Reggie.

Reginald!

I've been
looking for you everywhere.

♪ My name is Nikki ♪

♪ His name is Reggie ♪

I think we should go
somewhere more private.

We've got a lot to talk about.

- Oh, okay. Yeah.
- ♪ He says that he loves me ♪

Once I find him.

Hey, what the hell happened
last night?

That's ancient history.

You know, ages ago.
- It was last night.

Well, you know what,
time is an elastic concept,

and I feel like
the way we perceive time

is, uh, you know.

You know,
it was like I was there

and not there at the same time.

And Reginald, I think
I tried to hurt you last night,

but that can't be true, can it?

Hey, think we could
table this conversation

a bit longer
so I can experience

the greatest thing that's
ever gonna happen to me.

I feel like hopes are high.

- It's your first time.
- Mm-hmm.

Follow my lead.

Ah.

Ah.

What are you looking at?

Your neck.

Is that weird?

Oh, okay.

When you close your eyes...
- Yeah.

Do you see pointy sticks?

No, I see a nice neck.

And I wanna kiss it.

Aw.

Mm.

There's a blank space

between the way you and me
in the hotel room

and me waking up in the closet
the next morning.

Well,
we had dinner and drinks.

Then, we went up to the room,

where, you know,
you sort of fell asleep

before we could do anything.

Maybe someone
put something in my drink?

- Mm-mm-mm.
- I can't remember.

Well, I woke up
and you were gone, so...

In the closet.

I don't know how I got there,

but I'm pretty sure
that I was attacked

by the same woman who sang
with us at the karaoke bar.

But that's crazy, right?

I mean...

I gotta find out
what happened to me.

Hmm.

You're fast.

Double solitaire is my jam.

It's like you memorized
every card in both decks.

I maybe just have
a really great memory.

No shit.

Okay, I surrender

to your strangely
superior gameplay.

Okay,
I accept your surrender.

Oh, they're everywhere.

This is perfect.

Close enough.

No,
I mean literal perfection.

It's, like,
happiness times infinity.

And I don't even know
what that equals, but I...

I like you too, Reginald.

That's a lot better
than wanting to kill me, right?

So progress?

Mm.

What's
with that weird umbrella?

Oh,
this is a parasol actually.

I don't remember
you having a parasol.

I suffer
from solar urticaria.

Solar what-now?

Urticaria?

Um, basically,
exposure to sunlight,

uh, I'm allergic to it.

I get hives.

Do they itch?

He is
the most gentle of lovers,

and I've had
more than my share.

Except I often kill them after.

But I made an exception
this time

because there's something
about him that moves me.

It moved me from the moment
I heard him sing.

Reginald?

You're talking
about Reginald Andres?

He is my new lover.

Wow.

Just... wow.

But enough about me.

Tell me about this life
or death proposition

you wish to offer me,
which is, of course,

my favorite kind.

I wanna be a vampire
like you are.

Of course you do.

That's not
a business proposition.

That's a fever dream
of the first order.

Why are you
dreaming this dream?

- Do I have to tell?
- Yes.

Because it's the only way
for me to fight evil.

But you understand,
we don't fight evil.

We are evil.

In the most delightful way,
however, biblical in origin.

Personally,
current distinctions

between good and evil
leave a lot to be desired.

I need to fight this fight.

And I would love
to turn you--

and we could fight together--

but one does not turn
without preparation.

One does not turn
before one is ready.

You are the "one"
in this formulation

if you didn't know.

I know.

So prepare, Claire.

That rhymes.

Prepare,
and when you're of age,

I will most definitely
grant your wish--

but only when you're ready
for the everlasting life

and everything
that comes with it...

I smell sulfur.

What lives beyond this door?

My mom.
She's sleeping.

Wait!

Definitely sulfur.

How often does it come?

Most nights.

I don't know how to stop it.

And how's your mother
afterwards?

Different,
but she's still my mom.

I once heard rumor
of a child vampire

who terrorized all
of Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania.

I promise not to terrorize
anyone who doesn't deserve it.

I believe you.

Hello, lover!

I'm thrilled that you're here.

I'm giving back your parasol.

We need to talk.

Speak to me, roundish lover.

I can't be your lover.

I promise not to kill you,
if that's a concern.

Which is sweet, but...

Look,

it's not you.

It's me.

"It's not you.

It's me"?

Basically sums it up,
reversing the me/you polarity

of course.

That's sounds like
something humans would say

when they're confused about
their place in the universe

or trying
to get out of a bad date.

But we're not humans,

you and I,

so how could that
possibly be relevant?

Well, that was worth a shot.

I should go.

Wait.

You brought me tribute.

Surely there's something
I can give you in return?

It's just an umbrella.

Parasol.

Right, but...

Quench your undying thirst
before you go.

Drink from me.

Love is a mystery
unlike any other,

but I think I understand
my place in it now.

Yes, it was your voice
and the song you sang,

but over time, I've come
to recognize a difference.

Your intelligence impresses me.

Your sense of humor amuses me.

And there's something else
I can't quite put my finger on.

- I'm plus-sized?
- That's it!

I love your shape
because there's so much of you.

The more you are,

the more there is
for me to love.

This doesn't feel like love.

Blood is life.

It fills us with power.

In my recent experience,

love is like blood.

It fills me up.

Drink.

Drink until you're full.

♪ Pump, pump it up ♪

♪ Pump, pump it up ♪

♪ Pump, pump it up ♪

♪ Party on the block, bro ♪

♪ Pump it up ♪

♪ Pump, pump it up ♪

♪ Pump, pump it up ♪

♪ Pump, pump it up ♪

Monogamy is for humans,
not vampires.

Why should I limit myself when
I've got the perfect setup?

She gives me blood,
she gives me kisses.

Put 'em together--

the perfect woman.

Sucking and-------,

that is the vampire life.

Are we gonna work out or what?

Sure, Reggie.

We'll work out because
the damn Assessment

is right around the corner,
and if you fail that,

you have all the time
in the world

'cause you'll be dead,

and I'll be dead too.

Maybe I might surprise you.

Baby.

Lemme get the door.

♪ La, la, la, la,
ooh, la, la ♪

♪ Nothing in this world
is for free ♪

♪ You always pay a price ♪

No! Missy, you have two guns!
That's not fair.

There's no rules!
Suck it!

Ah, no, no, no, no, no, no!

Skrrt--shit!

♪ Love ♪

♪ Love is a drug ♪

♪ Love ♪

♪ Love is a drug ♪

♪ Love is a drug ♪

♪ Love ♪

♪ Love is a drug ♪

♪ Love ♪

♪ Love is a drug ♪
all: ♪ Love is a drug ♪

♪ Love is a drug ♪

♪ Love is a drug ♪

We should go out.

I think I told you about
my sunlight allergy, right?

Is that a new umbrella?

What happened to your parasol?

I lost it.

We could go to the park
or our favorite bench.

We have night shifts, so...

We could,
but I'm just so happy

being here with you.

Except for all the times
you mysteriously dash off

and leave me.

I have a very strict
workout regimen

that requires all my focus
and dedication.

Whoa!
Reginald, are you okay?

I'll be right back.

What's wrong?

Hello, Todd.

Every time I go for a run,

I end up running here,

but I don't know why I do that.

That feeling will fade.

Trust me.

I trust you more
than any person I've ever met,

which is weird, right?

I mean,
I don't even know your name.

Maurice.

Hi, Maurice.

Goodbye, Todd.

Uh, can I come in, please?

No.

Not today.
Not in your current condition.

Next time I go for a run,

I'm gonna end up running
right back here,

no matter what I try to do.

I know.

What?

Is this weird?

I bathe multiple times a day.

No, I mean us.

Us is perfect.
Don't you think?

Well, I don't really know
anything about you

except that Angela hired you
to kill me, but you didn't.

What do you wanna know
about me, roundish lover?

Something unbelievable.

I have 222 secrets.

Tell me one of them.

Once upon a time,

a fearsome vampire, Logan,
decided he was made

for the bigger
and bestest things,

but his great rival, Abraham,

held the utmost deacon
of the Americas.

Abraham was
a vampire of legend,

oldest of our kind,

one possessed
of unimaginable powers.

Abraham could turn a vampire
back to human,

like a God
or an angel might do.

Logan hired me
and my partner, Stanley,

to find Abraham
and kill him deader than dirt.

Stanley was vicious.

And kind.

He had white patch in his hair,
and nobody called him "Patchy,"

and that's sad.

We found Abraham
in a place far from here

called Spokane, Washington.

Stanley went ahead,
as was our custom.

He was truly
the best killer-diller of all.

But Stanley was lost that day

and never found.

And I was trapped
by phantoms, and ghosts,

and everything upside down,

so I ran away
from that haunted place

as fast as my feet could run.

Phantoms and ghosts?

I was afraid.

I've never been afraid
a single time since that day,

but I will never
forget the feeling.

On the plus side,

Abraham was never
heard from again,

and Logan
took his council seat,

and maybe Stanley
did not die for nothing.

The end.

I have 221 secrets.

What's the sitch
with Reginald?

He's supposed to be here.
I don't know what happened.

All right, there you go. Cheers.

Have you ever felt like
something happened to you,

but it didn't happen
at the same time,

but you have no idea
why you feel like that?

All the time.

I would very much like
to purchase a delicious slushy

for my new lover.

Does your new lover
have a favorite flavor?

As a matter of fact,
beverage servant,

nothing tickles his taste buds
like a Pineapple Surprise.

Hey, Sarah!

You read my mind.

How did you do that?

Three is truly
the happiest number.

In case you're wondering,
I'm referring

to the three-way
we're about to have--

you, me, and Reginald.

And if that's not
the stairway to heaven,

I don't know what Page
and Plant were thinking.

No. No, wait.

Sarah, wait!

Well, that's not
what I had in mind at all.

Please, Sarah, wait.

I can explain.

Leave me alone.

But it's not
what it looks like.

I--I mean, it's partially
what it looks like,

but it's not as bad
as it seems.

I knew something was wrong,

but God damn it, Reginald,
I didn't even consider--

No, we can turn back time, okay?

I can make this go away.

What the hell
are you talking about?

Pretend?
I would never--

Listen to me!

Forget what you saw
in the hotel room.

Forget Nikki.
Forget me.

You never came here.

You left work,
but you came back,

and you have no memory
of where you were

until you see me again, and
everything will be wonderful.

Sure, Reginald.

I can do that.

I'll forget what I saw
in the hotel room.

I'll forget Nikki.

I'll go back to work,
and I'll have no memory

of where I was
until you see me again,

and everything
will be wonderful.

But most of all...

I'll forget you.

Wait, Sarah. Wait.

Aah!

Where did you get
that bracelet?

Maurice gave it to me.

Hey, Sarah.

What are you doing here?

I've got a very important
appointment with Nikki.

She's a vampire too.
Did you know that?

Dude, you look like
someone beat your dog to death

with your cat.

Hey, Nikki.

Nikki, wait up.
Where are you going?

When I make a mistake,

I don't fail to make
the biggest one possible,

and I like that about myself.

It keeps things interesting,

but you lied to me,
and you lied to her!

You are a bad toy.

You are not my dream lover.

You are not the song
the angels sing.

Maurice Miller
was right about you.

You're not one of us.

Not yet.

You're still full of human,

and I have
zero tolerance policy for that.

I eat humans.

I do not let them eat me.

Also, I'm bored

and do not wanna play
with you anymore.

Wait.
You can't just go.

Not now. Please.

I'm sorry, little human.

I can't help you.

But maybe
that's best for everyone.

What did you do?

You ruined everything.

- It doesn't matter.
- Nikki was gonna help me.

She was gonna turn me
into a vampire

so I can fight evil.

Claire, stop!

Look at me.

Is this the life you want?

How does eternity look
to you now?

Because trust me,

it's not all
it's worked up to be.

It's blood, and hunger,

and you have no------- idea
what it feels like.

And right now,
the last thing I need

is a disappointed fangirl who
didn't get fangs for Christmas.

Asshole.

I can't be out.

There's got
to be blood somewhere.

Dude,
where the hell have you been?

Are you drunk?

God.

No, no, no, no, wait.

Cheeseburger overdose.

Yeah,
it's entirely possible for you.

You know what you are?

You're a disease.

You're making everybody sick
around you.

Note to self:

take Reginald's
Employee of the Month photo

and throw it in the trash.

Listen to me!

I'm gonna drink your blood,

and that fills you
with joy and happiness.

Todd?

--!----!----!

Hello? Help!

Something horrible happened
at the Slushy Shack!

Hurry!
I--I need your help!

-- you!

I could've handled this.

I would have.

You decided
to teach me a lesson

for some------- reason.

You opened your big mouth
to Nikki

and you give Sarah
that bracelet.

You turn me,

and then you wreck me.

Why?

Why would you do that to me?

Wasn't I good enough for you?

Wasn't I a good enough man
for you to trust?

I lost Sarah.

I lost Claire.

I lost Nikki.

I killed Todd.

I'm a liar and an asshole

and a murderer,

but that's all on you.

♪ You're pretty
when you sleep ♪

♪ Like frozen memories ♪

♪ I hold inside my mind ♪

♪ When I can't sleep
at night ♪

♪ I wanna say goodbye ♪

♪ But if I do, you'll cry ♪

♪ Please don't cry ♪

♪ I think ♪

♪ I'm gonna ♪

♪ Cry ♪

♪ I'm starting over ♪

♪ Tonight ♪

♪ Oh ♪

♪ Anything and everything ♪

♪ I'm thinking things ♪

♪ That I should not think ♪

♪ Oh, anything ♪