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1
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TYRES SQUEAL
2
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Oh, my God. Oh, my God!
3
00:00:35,750 --> 00:00:36,229
Oh, my God. Oh, my God!
4
00:00:36,230 --> 00:00:38,269
LAUGHTER
That's it, Pusface!
5
00:00:38,270 --> 00:00:38,629
LAUGHTER
That's it, Pusface!
6
00:00:38,630 --> 00:00:40,069
Jonny! Keep running!
7
00:00:40,070 --> 00:00:41,749
Get off! What?
8
00:00:41,750 --> 00:00:43,789
Pissface! Agh! Oh! Oh!
9
00:00:43,790 --> 00:00:45,829
Pissface! Agh! Oh! Oh!
10
00:00:45,830 --> 00:00:47,149
Pissface! Agh! Oh! Oh!
11
00:00:47,150 --> 00:00:49,189
I did it! You weirdo.
12
00:00:49,190 --> 00:00:49,549
I did it! You weirdo.
13
00:00:49,550 --> 00:00:51,589
Running all the way.
14
00:00:51,590 --> 00:00:52,189
Running all the way.
15
00:00:52,190 --> 00:00:54,229
Water! Water, please?
Ugh! Please?
16
00:00:54,230 --> 00:00:57,499
Water! Water, please?
Ugh! Please?
17
00:00:57,500 --> 00:00:59,419
My champion!
18
00:00:59,420 --> 00:01:01,429
Salt? You bloody arsehole!
19
00:01:01,430 --> 00:01:03,469
Salt? You bloody arsehole!
20
00:01:03,470 --> 00:01:04,309
Salt? You bloody arsehole!
21
00:01:04,310 --> 00:01:06,349
It worked! It worked!
Jonathan!
22
00:01:06,350 --> 00:01:07,429
It worked! It worked!
Jonathan!
23
00:01:07,430 --> 00:01:09,229
Come in, Adam.
24
00:01:09,230 --> 00:01:11,269
YOU... can piss off!
What...? Oi!
25
00:01:11,270 --> 00:01:12,469
YOU... can piss off!
What...? Oi!
26
00:01:12,470 --> 00:01:13,819
My little Bobble.
27
00:01:13,820 --> 00:01:15,899
Running home to Mummy.
28
00:01:15,900 --> 00:01:16,789
Running home to Mummy.
29
00:01:16,790 --> 00:01:18,829
That was a killer. Classic.
30
00:01:18,830 --> 00:01:19,099
That was a killer. Classic.
31
00:01:19,100 --> 00:01:21,109
Ow!
32
00:01:21,110 --> 00:01:23,149
Mum! Come through, sweetie.
33
00:01:23,150 --> 00:01:24,229
Mum! Come through, sweetie.
34
00:01:24,230 --> 00:01:25,819
Dead.
35
00:01:25,820 --> 00:01:29,029
HE CHORTLES
36
00:01:29,030 --> 00:01:30,949
Here you are, darling.
37
00:01:30,950 --> 00:01:33,019
Thirsty.
I bet you are. So brave.
38
00:01:33,020 --> 00:01:33,349
Thirsty.
I bet you are. So brave.
39
00:01:33,350 --> 00:01:35,269
So brave? So disgusting!
40
00:01:35,270 --> 00:01:37,339
SNIFFS
Oh, he stinks.
41
00:01:37,340 --> 00:01:39,349
Er, do you want me to rub my sweaty
groin juice all over your face?
42
00:01:39,350 --> 00:01:39,739
Er, do you want me to rub my sweaty
groin juice all over your face?
43
00:01:39,740 --> 00:01:41,819
You dare!
Boys! Ugh, groin juice?! Revolting!
44
00:01:41,820 --> 00:01:43,309
You dare!
Boys! Ugh, groin juice?! Revolting!
45
00:01:43,310 --> 00:01:45,349
TUTS
Oh, beef tonight.
46
00:01:45,350 --> 00:01:45,659
TUTS
Oh, beef tonight.
47
00:01:45,660 --> 00:01:47,149
Beef? Boom! Yes!
48
00:01:47,150 --> 00:01:48,379
# Bring it on! #
49
00:01:48,380 --> 00:01:50,389
And I thought maybe you were going
to ask your girlfriends over,
50
00:01:50,390 --> 00:01:50,779
And I thought maybe you were going
to ask your girlfriends over,
51
00:01:50,780 --> 00:01:52,429
you know, the ones we've never met?
52
00:01:52,430 --> 00:01:54,469
You thought wrong.
Very wrong.
53
00:01:54,470 --> 00:01:54,709
You thought wrong.
Very wrong.
54
00:01:54,710 --> 00:01:56,269
Oh, it is Dad's birthday.
55
00:01:56,270 --> 00:01:58,309
Where is the birthday boy... er,
man?
56
00:01:58,310 --> 00:01:58,549
Where is the birthday boy... er,
man?
57
00:01:58,550 --> 00:02:00,589
And what is this doing here?
58
00:02:00,590 --> 00:02:00,859
And what is this doing here?
59
00:02:00,860 --> 00:02:02,869
Cos your not-mad father made me
take it all down.
60
00:02:02,870 --> 00:02:04,909
Did he?He's been such a
misery guts all day.
61
00:02:04,910 --> 00:02:05,749
Did he?He's been such a
misery guts all day.
62
00:02:05,750 --> 00:02:07,789
I don't know what to do with him.
Push him off the roof?
63
00:02:07,790 --> 00:02:08,149
I don't know what to do with him.
Push him off the roof?
64
00:02:08,150 --> 00:02:09,949
LAUGHS
Finally.
65
00:02:09,950 --> 00:02:11,989
Wait! Just a minute.
66
00:02:11,990 --> 00:02:12,859
Wait! Just a minute.
67
00:02:12,860 --> 00:02:14,779
There, Bobble. Really?
68
00:02:14,780 --> 00:02:16,549
Good boy.
69
00:02:16,550 --> 00:02:18,589
Good dog. Pissface!
70
00:02:18,590 --> 00:02:19,189
Good dog. Pissface!
71
00:02:19,190 --> 00:02:21,229
Oh, hello, Martin.
GRUNTS
72
00:02:21,230 --> 00:02:21,499
Oh, hello, Martin.
GRUNTS
73
00:02:21,500 --> 00:02:23,149
Happy birthday, Dad.
Happy birthday.
74
00:02:23,150 --> 00:02:25,189
Balls! Sorry? What? Balls!
75
00:02:25,190 --> 00:02:25,669
Balls! Sorry? What? Balls!
76
00:02:25,670 --> 00:02:27,709
Can you please stop saying "balls"
every time anyone wishes you
77
00:02:27,710 --> 00:02:28,549
Can you please stop saying "balls"
every time anyone wishes you
78
00:02:28,550 --> 00:02:29,749
a happy birthday?! See?
79
00:02:29,750 --> 00:02:31,099
Why are you dressed like a berk?
80
00:02:31,100 --> 00:02:32,749
You are in a good mood, aren't you?
81
00:02:32,750 --> 00:02:34,789
Martin, you know
Adam was running here tonight.
82
00:02:34,790 --> 00:02:35,029
Martin, you know
Adam was running here tonight.
83
00:02:35,030 --> 00:02:36,379
Why were you running again?
84
00:02:36,380 --> 00:02:38,389
Cos he's a tit. Groin juice?
Don't you dare!
85
00:02:38,390 --> 00:02:38,749
Cos he's a tit. Groin juice?
Don't you dare!
86
00:02:38,750 --> 00:02:40,789
Don't you remember?
For his training.
87
00:02:40,790 --> 00:02:41,179
Don't you remember?
For his training.
88
00:02:41,180 --> 00:02:42,949
The race, remember? Sunday?
89
00:02:42,950 --> 00:02:44,539
What? Oh, yeah. The marathon.
90
00:02:44,540 --> 00:02:46,309
It's not a marathon. Really?
91
00:02:46,310 --> 00:02:48,379
You're running a marathon, aren't
you? Very good.
92
00:02:48,380 --> 00:02:48,709
You're running a marathon, aren't
you? Very good.
93
00:02:48,710 --> 00:02:50,779
You know it's not a marathon.
Sorry. Half marathon. Keep going.
94
00:02:50,780 --> 00:02:51,259
You know it's not a marathon.
Sorry. Half marathon. Keep going.
95
00:02:51,260 --> 00:02:53,269
You don't mean
quarter marathon, do you?
96
00:02:53,270 --> 00:02:53,629
You don't mean
quarter marathon, do you?
97
00:02:53,630 --> 00:02:55,669
Stop it, Jonny. It's not a quarter
marathon, is it?
98
00:02:55,670 --> 00:02:56,749
Stop it, Jonny. It's not a quarter
marathon, is it?
99
00:02:56,750 --> 00:02:58,789
It's a half marathon. Mum, I told
you, it's a quarter marathon.
100
00:02:58,790 --> 00:03:00,229
It's a half marathon. Mum, I told
you, it's a quarter marathon.
101
00:03:00,230 --> 00:03:02,149
That's what I've been training for
a quarter marathon.
102
00:03:02,150 --> 00:03:03,949
Quarter marathon? Does that even
exist?
103
00:03:03,950 --> 00:03:05,749
I bet you couldn't run a quarter
marathon.
104
00:03:05,750 --> 00:03:07,789
Course I could. What, is it? A mile?
Er, 6.5 miles.
105
00:03:07,790 --> 00:03:08,749
Course I could. What, is it? A mile?
Er, 6.5 miles.
106
00:03:08,750 --> 00:03:10,789
6.55 miles.
107
00:03:10,790 --> 00:03:11,149
6.55 miles.
108
00:03:11,150 --> 00:03:13,189
Human calculator. Ugh! I need more
water. Allow me. Er, no thanks!
109
00:03:13,190 --> 00:03:14,779
Human calculator. Ugh! I need more
water. Allow me. Er, no thanks!
110
00:03:14,780 --> 00:03:16,789
Boys, behave!
111
00:03:16,790 --> 00:03:17,869
Pusface.
112
00:03:17,870 --> 00:03:20,509
Did you make these?
113
00:03:20,510 --> 00:03:22,549
Seriously, do you have to be
such a dick?
114
00:03:22,550 --> 00:03:22,789
Seriously, do you have to be
such a dick?
115
00:03:22,790 --> 00:03:24,859
Yup. And seriously,
do you have to smell like a sewer?
116
00:03:24,860 --> 00:03:25,189
Yup. And seriously,
do you have to smell like a sewer?
117
00:03:25,190 --> 00:03:27,229
Um, no, that's just your face.
118
00:03:27,230 --> 00:03:27,469
Um, no, that's just your face.
119
00:03:27,470 --> 00:03:29,509
Sorry? Groin juice? Urgh!
120
00:03:29,510 --> 00:03:30,349
Sorry? Groin juice? Urgh!
121
00:03:30,350 --> 00:03:32,389
No!Adam!
122
00:03:32,390 --> 00:03:33,829
No!Adam!
123
00:03:33,830 --> 00:03:35,269
JONNY HOWLS
124
00:03:35,270 --> 00:03:37,339
It's actually 6.554 miles.
125
00:03:37,340 --> 00:03:39,469
It's actually 6.554 miles.
126
00:03:39,470 --> 00:03:42,949
Oh!
127
00:03:42,950 --> 00:03:45,019
So, we only got you a couple of
things,
128
00:03:45,020 --> 00:03:45,349
So, we only got you a couple of
things,
129
00:03:45,350 --> 00:03:47,419
cos you only asked for a
couple of things.
130
00:03:47,420 --> 00:03:47,749
cos you only asked for a
couple of things.
131
00:03:47,750 --> 00:03:49,789
The world's most boring
couple of things.
132
00:03:49,790 --> 00:03:50,149
The world's most boring
couple of things.
133
00:03:50,150 --> 00:03:51,899
Here. Is this a present?
134
00:03:51,900 --> 00:03:53,659
No, it's your arse.
135
00:03:53,660 --> 00:03:57,109
Course it's a present!
136
00:03:57,110 --> 00:04:00,709
No need to say thank you.
137
00:04:00,710 --> 00:04:02,749
It's a battery tester.
Yes.
138
00:04:02,750 --> 00:04:03,259
It's a battery tester.
Yes.
139
00:04:03,260 --> 00:04:04,859
Well, say thank you.
140
00:04:04,860 --> 00:04:06,829
In a minute! I haven't tested it
yet.
141
00:04:06,830 --> 00:04:07,429
In a minute! I haven't tested it
yet.
142
00:04:07,430 --> 00:04:09,469
You're going to test the battery
tester? Obviously.
143
00:04:09,470 --> 00:04:10,189
You're going to test the battery
tester? Obviously.
144
00:04:10,190 --> 00:04:12,229
God, how much crap
do you keep in your pockets?
145
00:04:12,230 --> 00:04:13,019
God, how much crap
do you keep in your pockets?
146
00:04:13,020 --> 00:04:14,989
Pillock. Here! Have a pound!
147
00:04:14,990 --> 00:04:15,259
Pillock. Here! Have a pound!
148
00:04:15,260 --> 00:04:17,029
Ow! God, Dad!Martin!
149
00:04:17,030 --> 00:04:19,099
LAUGHS
Nice shot, Dad.
150
00:04:19,100 --> 00:04:19,429
LAUGHS
Nice shot, Dad.
151
00:04:19,430 --> 00:04:20,869
TESTER BEEPS
152
00:04:20,870 --> 00:04:22,909
It works.
153
00:04:22,910 --> 00:04:25,189
It works.
154
00:04:25,190 --> 00:04:26,629
You're welcome.
155
00:04:26,630 --> 00:04:28,699
PHONE RINGS
156
00:04:28,700 --> 00:04:32,059
Oh, please stop calling me.
157
00:04:32,060 --> 00:04:34,069
SIGHS
It's your wretched mother
again.
158
00:04:34,070 --> 00:04:34,549
SIGHS
It's your wretched mother
again.
159
00:04:34,550 --> 00:04:36,589
Ugh! Horrible Grandma.
160
00:04:36,590 --> 00:04:37,019
Ugh! Horrible Grandma.
161
00:04:37,020 --> 00:04:38,749
Hello again, Cynthia.
162
00:04:38,750 --> 00:04:40,789
It's Martin's birthday.
163
00:04:40,790 --> 00:04:41,029
It's Martin's birthday.
164
00:04:41,030 --> 00:04:42,619
I know, Cynthia.
165
00:04:42,620 --> 00:04:44,629
Martin's my only son.
166
00:04:44,630 --> 00:04:46,669
Cynthia, we've had this conversation
three times already.
167
00:04:46,670 --> 00:04:47,749
Cynthia, we've had this conversation
three times already.
168
00:04:47,750 --> 00:04:49,819
We're having a quiet night in,
just the four of us, OK?
169
00:04:49,820 --> 00:04:53,509
We're having a quiet night in,
just the four of us, OK?
170
00:04:53,510 --> 00:04:55,579
She hung up. Again. Good.
Nice one, Mum.
171
00:04:55,580 --> 00:04:56,269
She hung up. Again. Good.
Nice one, Mum.
172
00:04:56,270 --> 00:04:58,309
I'm sorry, but I'm not having
that grotty old moose ruining
173
00:04:58,310 --> 00:04:58,939
I'm sorry, but I'm not having
that grotty old moose ruining
174
00:04:58,940 --> 00:05:02,269
another of Dad's birthdays.
175
00:05:02,270 --> 00:05:04,309
Yes, another
of Dad's wonderful birthdays.
176
00:05:04,310 --> 00:05:04,909
Yes, another
of Dad's wonderful birthdays.
177
00:05:04,910 --> 00:05:06,709
Huh?
178
00:05:06,710 --> 00:05:08,059
Here, Mr Wonderful.
179
00:05:08,060 --> 00:05:09,709
Is that my other present?
180
00:05:09,710 --> 00:05:13,600
No, it's your other arse.
181
00:05:14,030 --> 00:05:16,069
Drill bits. You're welcome again.
182
00:05:16,070 --> 00:05:18,589
Drill bits. You're welcome again.
183
00:05:18,590 --> 00:05:19,739
Where are you going?
184
00:05:19,740 --> 00:05:21,709
Well, to test the drill
bits, obviously.
185
00:05:21,710 --> 00:05:22,189
Well, to test the drill
bits, obviously.
186
00:05:22,190 --> 00:05:24,229
CHUCKLES
What is wrong with him tonight?
187
00:05:24,230 --> 00:05:24,589
CHUCKLES
What is wrong with him tonight?
188
00:05:24,590 --> 00:05:26,509
Maybe we could drill
into his head to find out.
189
00:05:26,510 --> 00:05:28,549
DRILLING
Dad!Right!
190
00:05:28,550 --> 00:05:30,619
DRILLING
Dad!Right!
191
00:05:30,620 --> 00:05:31,099
DRILLING
Dad!Right!
192
00:05:31,100 --> 00:05:33,109
I'm not having any more of this
crap!
193
00:05:33,110 --> 00:05:34,549
My drill!
194
00:05:34,550 --> 00:05:35,899
Martin! It's your birthday!
195
00:05:35,900 --> 00:05:37,909
Why are you being such a grumpy git
the whole time?
196
00:05:37,910 --> 00:05:39,899
What are you talking about?
I'm serious.
197
00:05:39,900 --> 00:05:41,269
What is going on? What?
198
00:05:41,270 --> 00:05:43,099
Nothing is going on.
199
00:05:43,100 --> 00:05:44,149
TUTS
200
00:05:44,150 --> 00:05:46,069
Dad? Dad?
201
00:05:46,070 --> 00:05:48,109
HE SIGHS
All right! God.
202
00:05:48,110 --> 00:05:51,109
HE SIGHS
All right! God.
203
00:05:51,110 --> 00:05:53,149
I'm not going into space.
204
00:05:53,150 --> 00:05:54,349
I'm not going into space.
205
00:05:54,350 --> 00:05:55,429
I'm sorry?
206
00:05:55,430 --> 00:05:57,499
I'm not going into bloody space!
207
00:05:57,500 --> 00:05:57,709
I'm not going into bloody space!
208
00:05:57,710 --> 00:05:59,749
Wha...?
209
00:05:59,750 --> 00:06:00,469
Wha...?
210
00:06:00,470 --> 00:06:02,509
You're not going into space?
When are you not going into space?
211
00:06:02,510 --> 00:06:02,779
You're not going into space?
When are you not going into space?
212
00:06:02,780 --> 00:06:04,859
Tonight?
Well, obviously not tonight!
213
00:06:04,860 --> 00:06:05,149
Tonight?
Well, obviously not tonight!
214
00:06:05,150 --> 00:06:07,189
Did you see my spaceship outside?
215
00:06:07,190 --> 00:06:07,429
Did you see my spaceship outside?
216
00:06:07,430 --> 00:06:09,179
Er, have you been drinking?
217
00:06:09,180 --> 00:06:11,149
Yeah, out of the drains?
What are you talking about, Martin?
218
00:06:11,150 --> 00:06:12,229
Yeah, out of the drains?
What are you talking about, Martin?
219
00:06:12,230 --> 00:06:13,819
I read an article.
220
00:06:13,820 --> 00:06:15,259
Right.
221
00:06:15,260 --> 00:06:16,549
Read it.
222
00:06:16,550 --> 00:06:18,139
What? The whole article?
223
00:06:18,140 --> 00:06:20,149
Oh, bleeding hell!
224
00:06:20,150 --> 00:06:21,349
Oh, bleeding hell!
225
00:06:21,350 --> 00:06:23,269
"Affordable space travel for all
226
00:06:23,270 --> 00:06:25,339
"not expected until 2050, say
experts."
227
00:06:25,340 --> 00:06:29,230
"not expected until 2050, say
experts."
228
00:06:29,390 --> 00:06:30,709
And?
229
00:06:30,710 --> 00:06:32,749
2050.
230
00:06:32,750 --> 00:06:33,019
2050.
231
00:06:33,020 --> 00:06:34,789
And? Well, I'll be dead
by then, won't I?
232
00:06:34,790 --> 00:06:36,109
Will you? Yes.
233
00:06:36,110 --> 00:06:38,149
Right, and who told you that?
Your psychic doctor?
234
00:06:38,150 --> 00:06:38,989
Right, and who told you that?
Your psychic doctor?
235
00:06:38,990 --> 00:06:40,699
Prats. The computer system.
236
00:06:40,700 --> 00:06:42,589
It's called the internet,
but do go on.
237
00:06:42,590 --> 00:06:44,629
There was this programme on
it, and it asks your date of birth
238
00:06:44,630 --> 00:06:44,869
There was this programme on
it, and it asks your date of birth
239
00:06:44,870 --> 00:06:46,939
and other stuff, and then it tells
you when you're going to,
240
00:06:46,940 --> 00:06:47,269
and other stuff, and then it tells
you when you're going to,
241
00:06:47,270 --> 00:06:48,379
you know, die.
242
00:06:48,380 --> 00:06:50,459
Oh, Martin. Why would you do that?
243
00:06:50,460 --> 00:06:51,469
Oh, Martin. Why would you do that?
244
00:06:51,470 --> 00:06:53,509
I die on April 9th, 2048.
245
00:06:53,510 --> 00:06:54,109
I die on April 9th, 2048.
246
00:06:54,110 --> 00:06:56,149
Oh, my God, Dad!
I did yours as well.
247
00:06:56,150 --> 00:06:56,509
Oh, my God, Dad!
I did yours as well.
248
00:06:56,510 --> 00:06:58,549
No way! What?
You did the boys?
249
00:06:58,550 --> 00:06:58,789
No way! What?
You did the boys?
250
00:06:58,790 --> 00:07:00,859
Er, we really don't want to know
when we die, thank you! Yeah!
251
00:07:00,860 --> 00:07:01,549
Er, we really don't want to know
when we die, thank you! Yeah!
252
00:07:01,550 --> 00:07:03,589
You looked up when our lovely
sons are going to...
253
00:07:03,590 --> 00:07:05,509
You looked up when our lovely
sons are going to...
254
00:07:05,510 --> 00:07:07,099
...perish? What?
255
00:07:07,100 --> 00:07:09,179
How could you do such a thing?
You didn't do mine, did you?
256
00:07:09,180 --> 00:07:09,499
How could you do such a thing?
You didn't do mine, did you?
257
00:07:09,500 --> 00:07:11,269
Well, you last a couple of months
after me.
258
00:07:11,270 --> 00:07:13,339
Oh, my God! Incredible.
3rd of June, 2048.
259
00:07:13,340 --> 00:07:14,459
Oh, my God! Incredible.
3rd of June, 2048.
260
00:07:14,460 --> 00:07:16,429
Dad!Martin! Right.
261
00:07:16,430 --> 00:07:16,789
Dad!Martin! Right.
262
00:07:16,790 --> 00:07:18,829
Thank you for telling me
when I'm actually going to die.
263
00:07:18,830 --> 00:07:19,309
Thank you for telling me
when I'm actually going to die.
264
00:07:19,310 --> 00:07:21,229
Thank you so much!
265
00:07:21,230 --> 00:07:23,029
You're unbelievable!
266
00:07:23,030 --> 00:07:25,069
Eh? Calm down, Jackie.
267
00:07:25,070 --> 00:07:27,109
It's probably not the
exact exact date.
268
00:07:27,110 --> 00:07:27,419
It's probably not the
exact exact date.
269
00:07:27,420 --> 00:07:29,389
Just go away. Although, it's
probably pretty close,
270
00:07:29,390 --> 00:07:29,749
Just go away. Although, it's
probably pretty close,
271
00:07:29,750 --> 00:07:31,789
because I did have to put in quite a
lot of your medical data so, er...
272
00:07:31,790 --> 00:07:32,149
because I did have to put in quite a
lot of your medical data so, er...
273
00:07:32,150 --> 00:07:34,069
Right. Thank you again!
274
00:07:34,070 --> 00:07:35,149
DOORBELL
275
00:07:35,150 --> 00:07:36,469
SIGHS
276
00:07:36,470 --> 00:07:38,509
If that's your bloody mother
coming to ruin everything...
277
00:07:38,510 --> 00:07:38,989
If that's your bloody mother
coming to ruin everything...
278
00:07:38,990 --> 00:07:41,029
I am so angry with you!
279
00:07:41,030 --> 00:07:42,349
I am so angry with you!
280
00:07:42,350 --> 00:07:44,389
Well done.
Yes, good work, Doctor Death.
281
00:07:44,390 --> 00:07:46,309
Well done.
Yes, good work, Doctor Death.
282
00:07:46,310 --> 00:07:48,379
Please don't be her.
283
00:07:48,380 --> 00:07:48,709
Please don't be her.
284
00:07:48,710 --> 00:07:50,779
GROANS
285
00:07:50,780 --> 00:07:51,109
GROANS
286
00:07:51,110 --> 00:07:52,429
Jackie?
287
00:07:52,430 --> 00:07:54,299
Oh, Jim! Thank God it's you.
288
00:07:54,300 --> 00:07:56,269
Oh, Jackie, thank God it's you, too.
289
00:07:56,270 --> 00:07:57,349
Oh, Jackie, thank God it's you, too.
290
00:07:57,350 --> 00:07:59,419
Um, can I help you, Jim?
What?
291
00:07:59,420 --> 00:07:59,749
Um, can I help you, Jim?
What?
292
00:07:59,750 --> 00:08:01,789
Oh, yes, we just popped round
to wish Martin a happy birthday,
293
00:08:01,790 --> 00:08:03,829
Oh, yes, we just popped round
to wish Martin a happy birthday,
294
00:08:03,830 --> 00:08:04,069
Oh, yes, we just popped round
to wish Martin a happy birthday,
295
00:08:04,070 --> 00:08:05,989
didn't we, Milson?
296
00:08:05,990 --> 00:08:07,669
Um, hello, Jim.
297
00:08:07,670 --> 00:08:09,109
Happy birthday, Martin.
298
00:08:09,110 --> 00:08:10,789
Balls!Ugh!
299
00:08:10,790 --> 00:08:12,829
Um, Jim, could I have your date of
birth, please?
300
00:08:12,830 --> 00:08:14,629
OTHERS: Do not tell him!
Don't tell him that!
301
00:08:14,630 --> 00:08:16,669
Right, why don't you go in there
and practise holding your breath
302
00:08:16,670 --> 00:08:16,909
Right, why don't you go in there
and practise holding your breath
303
00:08:16,910 --> 00:08:18,949
for an hour, hmm?
Jackie!
304
00:08:18,950 --> 00:08:20,269
Bye-bye, Martin.
305
00:08:20,270 --> 00:08:21,949
But, Jackie!
306
00:08:21,950 --> 00:08:23,629
Anything else, Jim? Yes, um,
307
00:08:23,630 --> 00:08:25,669
I wondered if I could perhaps
perform some magic tricks
308
00:08:25,670 --> 00:08:26,989
I wondered if I could perhaps
perform some magic tricks
309
00:08:26,990 --> 00:08:28,789
for the birthday boy.
310
00:08:28,790 --> 00:08:30,349
What? Magic tricks?
311
00:08:30,350 --> 00:08:31,739
You do magic?
312
00:08:31,740 --> 00:08:33,349
Oh, yes, we've been teaching
ourselves
313
00:08:33,350 --> 00:08:35,419
lots of magic tricks lately,
haven't we, Milson?
314
00:08:35,420 --> 00:08:37,339
lots of magic tricks lately,
haven't we, Milson?
315
00:08:37,340 --> 00:08:41,230
Look.
316
00:08:45,980 --> 00:08:47,989
NERVY MUTTERINGS
317
00:08:47,990 --> 00:08:49,909
NERVY MUTTERINGS
318
00:08:49,910 --> 00:08:51,259
What are you doing?
319
00:08:51,260 --> 00:08:53,269
Magic with my magic hankie.
320
00:08:53,270 --> 00:08:56,389
Magic with my magic hankie.
321
00:08:56,390 --> 00:08:58,459
Does Martin enjoy magic?
322
00:08:58,460 --> 00:08:58,939
Does Martin enjoy magic?
323
00:08:58,940 --> 00:09:01,019
Absolutely hates it.
Would rather set his head on fire.
324
00:09:01,020 --> 00:09:01,819
Absolutely hates it.
Would rather set his head on fire.
325
00:09:01,820 --> 00:09:05,710
Um, do come in, Jim.
326
00:09:07,670 --> 00:09:09,709
Any card? Any card, Martin.
327
00:09:09,710 --> 00:09:10,309
Any card? Any card, Martin.
328
00:09:10,310 --> 00:09:12,109
Bleeding hell. Now what?
329
00:09:12,110 --> 00:09:14,939
Look at the card.
330
00:09:14,940 --> 00:09:16,909
And now tell me what the card is.
331
00:09:16,910 --> 00:09:18,109
And now tell me what the card is.
332
00:09:18,110 --> 00:09:20,149
Really? Um, the Four Of Clubs.
333
00:09:20,150 --> 00:09:21,179
Really? Um, the Four Of Clubs.
334
00:09:21,180 --> 00:09:25,070
BREATHES HEAVILY
335
00:09:26,030 --> 00:09:28,069
Martin Goodman,
is your card the King Of Diamonds?
336
00:09:28,070 --> 00:09:30,139
Martin Goodman,
is your card the King Of Diamonds?
337
00:09:30,140 --> 00:09:32,149
Martin Goodman,
is your card the King Of Diamonds?
338
00:09:32,150 --> 00:09:32,509
Martin Goodman,
is your card the King Of Diamonds?
339
00:09:32,510 --> 00:09:34,549
What?
No. The Four Of Clubs!
340
00:09:34,550 --> 00:09:34,789
What?
No. The Four Of Clubs!
341
00:09:34,790 --> 00:09:36,859
Oh, yes. I can never do that one.
342
00:09:36,860 --> 00:09:37,069
Oh, yes. I can never do that one.
343
00:09:37,070 --> 00:09:38,989
Well, thanks so much, Jim.
344
00:09:38,990 --> 00:09:41,029
Er, sorry, Martin, but I don't think
Jim's quite finished. Have you?
345
00:09:41,030 --> 00:09:43,099
Er, sorry, Martin, but I don't think
Jim's quite finished. Have you?
346
00:09:43,100 --> 00:09:43,909
Er, sorry, Martin, but I don't think
Jim's quite finished. Have you?
347
00:09:43,910 --> 00:09:45,949
Oh, no, Jackie,
I've got lots more magic for Martin.
348
00:09:45,950 --> 00:09:48,229
Oh, no, Jackie,
I've got lots more magic for Martin.
349
00:09:48,230 --> 00:09:49,909
How exciting!
350
00:09:49,910 --> 00:09:51,949
Do carry on, Jim. Yes, bravo!
351
00:09:51,950 --> 00:09:52,909
Do carry on, Jim. Yes, bravo!
352
00:09:52,910 --> 00:09:54,949
Bravo! Buggers.
353
00:09:54,950 --> 00:09:57,179
Bravo! Buggers.
354
00:09:57,180 --> 00:09:59,149
Well, that's your dad sorted
for the night!
355
00:09:59,150 --> 00:09:59,869
Well, that's your dad sorted
for the night!
356
00:09:59,870 --> 00:10:01,429
Maybe Jim will saw him in half.
357
00:10:01,430 --> 00:10:03,469
CHUCKLES
Or much smaller pieces.
358
00:10:03,470 --> 00:10:05,269
CHUCKLES
Or much smaller pieces.
359
00:10:05,270 --> 00:10:07,309
Shall we just start dinner without
him? Yes, please! Definitely.
360
00:10:07,310 --> 00:10:08,059
Shall we just start dinner without
him? Yes, please! Definitely.
361
00:10:08,060 --> 00:10:10,139
Right. Birthday beef
without the birthday boy!
362
00:10:10,140 --> 00:10:11,899
Right. Birthday beef
without the birthday boy!
363
00:10:11,900 --> 00:10:13,979
# Skill McGill! #
# Skilligan McGilligan! #
364
00:10:13,980 --> 00:10:14,749
# Skill McGill! #
# Skilligan McGilligan! #
365
00:10:14,750 --> 00:10:16,789
DOOR CLOSES
Huh? Hello?
366
00:10:16,790 --> 00:10:19,739
DOOR CLOSES
Huh? Hello?
367
00:10:19,740 --> 00:10:21,709
What are you doing? Where's Jim?
He's gone.Gone?
368
00:10:21,710 --> 00:10:22,669
What are you doing? Where's Jim?
He's gone.Gone?
369
00:10:22,670 --> 00:10:24,709
Yeah, I paid him and he went.
You paid him? Ah!
370
00:10:24,710 --> 00:10:25,339
Yeah, I paid him and he went.
You paid him? Ah!
371
00:10:25,340 --> 00:10:26,939
So that's how you get rid of Jim.
372
00:10:26,940 --> 00:10:28,909
What did you pay him with?
I found 20 quid in your purse.
373
00:10:28,910 --> 00:10:29,269
What did you pay him with?
I found 20 quid in your purse.
374
00:10:29,270 --> 00:10:31,309
Fantastic.
Er, thank you very much, Martin.
375
00:10:31,310 --> 00:10:31,789
Fantastic.
Er, thank you very much, Martin.
376
00:10:31,790 --> 00:10:33,829
Can I have my dinner now?
No, you cannot have your dinner now.
377
00:10:33,830 --> 00:10:34,309
Can I have my dinner now?
No, you cannot have your dinner now.
378
00:10:34,310 --> 00:10:36,109
Boys?
379
00:10:36,110 --> 00:10:38,149
Jackie! What am I going to bleeding
eat? It's my birthday!
380
00:10:38,150 --> 00:10:40,069
Jackie! What am I going to bleeding
eat? It's my birthday!
381
00:10:40,070 --> 00:10:42,109
Er, really? I thought it
was your death day.
382
00:10:42,110 --> 00:10:43,069
Er, really? I thought it
was your death day.
383
00:10:43,070 --> 00:10:45,109
Not this crap again.Well, maybe we
don't want our dinner
384
00:10:45,110 --> 00:10:45,469
Not this crap again.Well, maybe we
don't want our dinner
385
00:10:45,470 --> 00:10:47,509
with someone who keeps telling
us when we're gonna drop dead.
What?
386
00:10:47,510 --> 00:10:48,589
with someone who keeps telling
us when we're gonna drop dead.
What?
387
00:10:48,590 --> 00:10:50,629
I didn't tell you when the boys were
going to drop dead. How kind.
388
00:10:50,630 --> 00:10:51,419
I didn't tell you when the boys were
going to drop dead. How kind.
389
00:10:51,420 --> 00:10:53,389
Anyway, those two have nothing
to worry about.
390
00:10:53,390 --> 00:10:55,429
They go on for years.
Please shut up.
391
00:10:55,430 --> 00:10:55,669
They go on for years.
Please shut up.
392
00:10:55,670 --> 00:10:59,269
Yes, shut up, Martin. Oh, potatoes.
393
00:10:59,270 --> 00:11:01,309
You last right up to
the Mars Colonisation Programme.
394
00:11:01,310 --> 00:11:02,389
You last right up to
the Mars Colonisation Programme.
395
00:11:02,390 --> 00:11:04,429
Um, and what year is
the Mars Colonisation Programme?
396
00:11:04,430 --> 00:11:06,469
Um, and what year is
the Mars Colonisation Programme?
397
00:11:06,470 --> 00:11:06,829
Um, and what year is
the Mars Colonisation Programme?
398
00:11:06,830 --> 00:11:08,749
Er...
399
00:11:08,750 --> 00:11:10,789
2085.
400
00:11:10,790 --> 00:11:12,829
GROANS
Wait! 2085 that's all right,
isn't it?
401
00:11:12,830 --> 00:11:14,869
GROANS
Wait! 2085 that's all right,
isn't it?
402
00:11:14,870 --> 00:11:15,259
GROANS
Wait! 2085 that's all right,
isn't it?
403
00:11:15,260 --> 00:11:17,269
Er, yeah, actually,
that is ages away.
404
00:11:17,270 --> 00:11:17,989
Er, yeah, actually,
that is ages away.
405
00:11:17,990 --> 00:11:20,059
See? And you get to go to Mars,
you lucky sods.
406
00:11:20,060 --> 00:11:20,629
See? And you get to go to Mars,
you lucky sods.
407
00:11:20,630 --> 00:11:22,069
What do you think about that?
408
00:11:22,070 --> 00:11:23,899
Yeah, that's pretty cool. Yeah.
409
00:11:23,900 --> 00:11:25,979
Sorry, no. Adam, you
get to go to Mars.
410
00:11:25,980 --> 00:11:26,779
Sorry, no. Adam, you
get to go to Mars.
411
00:11:26,780 --> 00:11:28,789
Jonny, you don't. What?
Cos you die first.
412
00:11:28,790 --> 00:11:29,509
Jonny, you don't. What?
Cos you die first.
413
00:11:29,510 --> 00:11:31,309
Ah! I die first?
414
00:11:31,310 --> 00:11:32,749
But Adam's older than me!
415
00:11:32,750 --> 00:11:34,789
Yeah, but he lives longer cos of
his, you know, running and exercise.
416
00:11:34,790 --> 00:11:35,419
Yeah, but he lives longer cos of
his, you know, running and exercise.
417
00:11:35,420 --> 00:11:37,499
Of course! My running and exercise.
418
00:11:37,500 --> 00:11:38,029
Of course! My running and exercise.
419
00:11:38,030 --> 00:11:39,829
HE HEAVES
420
00:11:39,830 --> 00:11:41,869
July 22nd, 2082.
That's when you die.
421
00:11:41,870 --> 00:11:42,469
July 22nd, 2082.
That's when you die.
422
00:11:42,470 --> 00:11:44,749
Oh, my God!What?
423
00:11:44,750 --> 00:11:46,789
Dad just told me my death day.
Oh, Martin! Ow!
424
00:11:46,790 --> 00:11:48,229
Dad just told me my death day.
Oh, Martin! Ow!
425
00:11:48,230 --> 00:11:50,299
July 22nd, 2082.
Don't tell me, Jonny!
426
00:11:50,300 --> 00:11:51,109
July 22nd, 2082.
Don't tell me, Jonny!
427
00:11:51,110 --> 00:11:52,219
Ow!
428
00:11:52,220 --> 00:11:54,299
Jackie, calm down. Adam's gonna go
to Mars. Isn't that fantastic?
429
00:11:54,300 --> 00:11:55,549
Jackie, calm down. Adam's gonna go
to Mars. Isn't that fantastic?
430
00:11:55,550 --> 00:11:57,499
That is fantastic.
I need a drink.
431
00:11:57,500 --> 00:11:59,509
But, Jackie, Mars!
Don't you think that's incredible?
432
00:11:59,510 --> 00:11:59,749
But, Jackie, Mars!
Don't you think that's incredible?
433
00:11:59,750 --> 00:12:01,819
Mars, Mars, Mars.
434
00:12:01,820 --> 00:12:02,989
Mars, Mars, Mars.
435
00:12:02,990 --> 00:12:05,029
Brilliant. Well, I promise
I'll give you a lovely funeral.
436
00:12:05,030 --> 00:12:06,829
Brilliant. Well, I promise
I'll give you a lovely funeral.
437
00:12:06,830 --> 00:12:08,869
Thank you. And I'll try not
to fart on your grave.
438
00:12:08,870 --> 00:12:10,189
Thank you. And I'll try not
to fart on your grave.
439
00:12:10,190 --> 00:12:11,629
Pusface!
440
00:12:11,630 --> 00:12:13,669
Anyway, it's all crap, isn't it,
working out when you're gonna die?
441
00:12:13,670 --> 00:12:14,509
Anyway, it's all crap, isn't it,
working out when you're gonna die?
442
00:12:14,510 --> 00:12:16,549
Yeah. It's just a shame
you never took up running.
443
00:12:16,550 --> 00:12:18,229
Yeah. It's just a shame
you never took up running.
444
00:12:18,230 --> 00:12:20,269
Right, well, I'll just start running
now, then I'll live longer than you.
445
00:12:20,270 --> 00:12:21,709
Right, well, I'll just start running
now, then I'll live longer than you.
446
00:12:21,710 --> 00:12:23,749
You're gonna start running now, are
you? Yeah. Let's go for a run.
447
00:12:23,750 --> 00:12:24,829
You're gonna start running now, are
you? Yeah. Let's go for a run.
448
00:12:24,830 --> 00:12:26,869
Sorry? You want to go for a run
right now?
449
00:12:26,870 --> 00:12:27,469
Sorry? You want to go for a run
right now?
450
00:12:27,470 --> 00:12:29,509
Yes, I can run as far as you, easy!
451
00:12:29,510 --> 00:12:30,139
Yes, I can run as far as you, easy!
452
00:12:30,140 --> 00:12:32,059
Where are you going?
Putting my shoes on.
453
00:12:32,060 --> 00:12:34,139
Pissface? Your mother!
What?
454
00:12:34,140 --> 00:12:34,789
Pissface? Your mother!
What?
455
00:12:34,790 --> 00:12:38,680
Oh.Yeah.
456
00:12:41,510 --> 00:12:43,549
Go on, then.
457
00:12:43,550 --> 00:12:45,589
March 20th, 2085.
458
00:12:45,590 --> 00:12:46,189
March 20th, 2085.
459
00:12:46,190 --> 00:12:48,229
Great.
460
00:12:48,230 --> 00:12:49,189
Great.
461
00:12:49,190 --> 00:12:50,509
You're running now? Now?
462
00:12:50,510 --> 00:12:52,549
Yes!You can't run now.
We've got beef.
463
00:12:52,550 --> 00:12:53,389
Yes!You can't run now.
We've got beef.
464
00:12:53,390 --> 00:12:55,429
Can you move out of the way,
please?Jonny!
465
00:12:55,430 --> 00:12:56,269
Can you move out of the way,
please?Jonny!
466
00:12:56,270 --> 00:12:57,949
Yes, he has gone insane.
467
00:12:57,950 --> 00:12:59,989
Right. Ready, Pusface?
468
00:12:59,990 --> 00:13:01,819
Right. Ready, Pusface?
469
00:13:01,820 --> 00:13:03,829
Wait. That's not...
Oh, my God.
470
00:13:03,830 --> 00:13:04,309
Wait. That's not...
Oh, my God.
471
00:13:04,310 --> 00:13:07,429
Horrible Grandma.
472
00:13:07,430 --> 00:13:09,499
Happy birthday, Martin.
473
00:13:09,500 --> 00:13:09,829
Happy birthday, Martin.
474
00:13:09,830 --> 00:13:11,899
Balls!
475
00:13:11,900 --> 00:13:15,790
Balls!
476
00:13:18,030 --> 00:13:20,069
Banning me from seeing my son
on his birthday...
477
00:13:20,070 --> 00:13:21,749
Banning me from seeing my son
on his birthday...
478
00:13:21,750 --> 00:13:23,429
I wasn't banning you, Cynthia.
479
00:13:23,430 --> 00:13:25,109
My only son.
480
00:13:25,110 --> 00:13:27,149
I don't think we got your card
this year, did we, Martin?
481
00:13:27,150 --> 00:13:28,059
I don't think we got your card
this year, did we, Martin?
482
00:13:28,060 --> 00:13:30,029
Jackie. That's because I didn't send
a card.
483
00:13:30,030 --> 00:13:31,109
Jackie. That's because I didn't send
a card.
484
00:13:31,110 --> 00:13:33,509
Fair enough.
485
00:13:33,510 --> 00:13:35,579
Oh, I thought you were going
to give Martin a present then.
486
00:13:35,580 --> 00:13:37,349
Oh, I thought you were going
to give Martin a present then.
487
00:13:37,350 --> 00:13:38,789
Bleeding hell, Jackie.
488
00:13:38,790 --> 00:13:40,379
Why would I give Martin a present?
489
00:13:40,380 --> 00:13:42,029
His birthday, perhaps?
490
00:13:42,030 --> 00:13:43,589
But he's not a baby.
491
00:13:43,590 --> 00:13:45,659
Um, that's not quite how birthdays
work...
492
00:13:45,660 --> 00:13:46,619
Um, that's not quite how birthdays
work...
493
00:13:46,620 --> 00:13:48,059
Horrible.....Grandma.
494
00:13:48,060 --> 00:13:50,069
I stopped giving Martin presents
years ago when he was seven.
495
00:13:50,070 --> 00:13:51,579
I stopped giving Martin presents
years ago when he was seven.
496
00:13:51,580 --> 00:13:53,549
Six. Yes, six.
497
00:13:53,550 --> 00:13:53,909
Six. Yes, six.
498
00:13:53,910 --> 00:13:55,949
I remember, because I just
re-wrapped the same present
499
00:13:55,950 --> 00:13:57,509
I remember, because I just
re-wrapped the same present
500
00:13:57,510 --> 00:13:59,189
I'd given him when he was five.
501
00:13:59,190 --> 00:14:00,269
SHE LAUGHS
502
00:14:00,270 --> 00:14:01,979
Lovely. A whistle.
503
00:14:01,980 --> 00:14:03,149
Lovely.
504
00:14:03,150 --> 00:14:05,189
Well, he wasn't to know, was he?
505
00:14:05,190 --> 00:14:05,429
Well, he wasn't to know, was he?
506
00:14:05,430 --> 00:14:07,469
Jackie, can we bloody eat now?
All right!
507
00:14:07,470 --> 00:14:07,739
Jackie, can we bloody eat now?
All right!
508
00:14:07,740 --> 00:14:09,179
I'm looking forward to the beef.
509
00:14:09,180 --> 00:14:11,189
Oh, are you, Cynthia?
510
00:14:11,190 --> 00:14:13,229
Well, it's about the only thing you
make that's edible.
511
00:14:13,230 --> 00:14:17,069
Well, it's about the only thing you
make that's edible.
512
00:14:17,070 --> 00:14:18,989
Get rid of her?
How am I going to get rid of her?
513
00:14:18,990 --> 00:14:20,069
Er, poison?
514
00:14:20,070 --> 00:14:21,659
Garrotting? Drowning in a bucket!
515
00:14:21,660 --> 00:14:23,429
Any of those will do. Idiots.
516
00:14:23,430 --> 00:14:25,499
I really don't care
how you get rid of her, Martin.
517
00:14:25,500 --> 00:14:27,579
You can take her to Mars
in your spaceship if you like.
518
00:14:27,580 --> 00:14:27,869
You can take her to Mars
in your spaceship if you like.
519
00:14:27,870 --> 00:14:29,429
Jackie, I don't have a spaceship!
520
00:14:29,430 --> 00:14:31,469
Ju... OK.
521
00:14:31,470 --> 00:14:33,509
Let's all just sit down,
eat our beef and...
522
00:14:33,510 --> 00:14:34,469
Let's all just sit down,
eat our beef and...
523
00:14:34,470 --> 00:14:36,539
Eat our beef?! I am not eating
my lovely beef with that... woman!
524
00:14:36,540 --> 00:14:38,619
Eat our beef?! I am not eating
my lovely beef with that... woman!
525
00:14:38,620 --> 00:14:39,269
Eat our beef?! I am not eating
my lovely beef with that... woman!
526
00:14:39,270 --> 00:14:41,069
But, Jackie...And instead of
looking up
527
00:14:41,070 --> 00:14:42,629
when your wife and kids drop dead,
528
00:14:42,630 --> 00:14:44,699
why don't you look up when your pig
of a mother snuffs it?!
529
00:14:44,700 --> 00:14:45,029
why don't you look up when your pig
of a mother snuffs it?!
530
00:14:45,030 --> 00:14:46,229
Er, yes, actually!
531
00:14:46,230 --> 00:14:48,029
Who the hell do you think
I looked up first?!
532
00:14:48,030 --> 00:14:50,069
And? She lives to
a shitting hundred.
533
00:14:50,070 --> 00:14:50,309
And? She lives to
a shitting hundred.
534
00:14:50,310 --> 00:14:52,059
Of course she does.What?!
535
00:14:52,060 --> 00:14:54,029
OK, if you're not going to get
rid of her,
536
00:14:54,030 --> 00:14:54,869
OK, if you're not going to get
rid of her,
537
00:14:54,870 --> 00:14:56,909
you can have your dinner with her.
538
00:14:56,910 --> 00:14:57,179
you can have your dinner with her.
539
00:14:57,180 --> 00:14:59,549
Huh?
540
00:14:59,550 --> 00:15:01,589
Jacqueline, are you going to feed me
tonight or what?
541
00:15:01,590 --> 00:15:02,789
Jacqueline, are you going to feed me
tonight or what?
542
00:15:02,790 --> 00:15:06,680
Oh, yes, Cynthia.
543
00:15:17,310 --> 00:15:18,869
And? Grim.
544
00:15:18,870 --> 00:15:20,069
Really? How grim?
545
00:15:20,070 --> 00:15:22,139
Prison grim. Ooh, that is grim.
546
00:15:22,140 --> 00:15:22,709
Prison grim. Ooh, that is grim.
547
00:15:22,710 --> 00:15:24,749
Well, he wanted a shitty birthday,
so...
548
00:15:24,750 --> 00:15:25,179
Well, he wanted a shitty birthday,
so...
549
00:15:25,180 --> 00:15:26,789
To Dad's shitty birthday!
550
00:15:26,790 --> 00:15:28,859
OTHERS: Dad's shitty birthday!
551
00:15:28,860 --> 00:15:29,069
OTHERS: Dad's shitty birthday!
552
00:15:29,070 --> 00:15:30,149
Uh...
553
00:15:30,150 --> 00:15:31,589
Er, no, you're not allowed in here!
554
00:15:31,590 --> 00:15:33,339
What? Please don't send me back in
there.
555
00:15:33,340 --> 00:15:34,949
Martin, go and sit with your mother!
556
00:15:34,950 --> 00:15:36,869
But, Jackie,
I can't take it in there any more.
557
00:15:36,870 --> 00:15:38,939
Any more? You've been in there
for, like, two minutes.
558
00:15:38,940 --> 00:15:39,269
Any more? You've been in there
for, like, two minutes.
559
00:15:39,270 --> 00:15:40,949
What, that long?!
560
00:15:40,950 --> 00:15:42,509
Oh, hello, Mum.
561
00:15:42,510 --> 00:15:45,749
There's been a little accident.
562
00:15:45,750 --> 00:15:47,189
It's all over them!
563
00:15:47,190 --> 00:15:49,229
Yes, I don't know how it happened.
564
00:15:49,230 --> 00:15:49,979
Yes, I don't know how it happened.
565
00:15:49,980 --> 00:15:52,059
I must have just slipped and
somehow bumped into the bottle.
566
00:15:52,060 --> 00:15:53,189
I must have just slipped and
somehow bumped into the bottle.
567
00:15:53,190 --> 00:15:54,629
It's on the walls as well!
568
00:15:54,630 --> 00:15:56,699
Yes, it is, isn't it?
569
00:15:56,700 --> 00:15:57,389
Yes, it is, isn't it?
570
00:15:57,390 --> 00:15:58,619
And this wall?
571
00:15:58,620 --> 00:16:00,699
You did this on purpose,
didn't you, Cynthia?
572
00:16:00,700 --> 00:16:00,989
You did this on purpose,
didn't you, Cynthia?
573
00:16:00,990 --> 00:16:02,939
I beg your pardon? Oh, God.
574
00:16:02,940 --> 00:16:05,019
You know, Cynthia, you come here
and you treat this place like crap.
575
00:16:05,020 --> 00:16:06,779
You know, Cynthia, you come here
and you treat this place like crap.
576
00:16:06,780 --> 00:16:08,309
Oh, do I, Jacqueline?
577
00:16:08,310 --> 00:16:09,989
Yes, you bloody do!
578
00:16:09,990 --> 00:16:12,029
Well, maybe that's because this
place IS crap.
579
00:16:12,030 --> 00:16:14,549
Well, maybe that's because this
place IS crap.
580
00:16:14,550 --> 00:16:16,589
Er...This place is crap, is it?
581
00:16:16,590 --> 00:16:17,069
Er...This place is crap, is it?
582
00:16:17,070 --> 00:16:18,869
Yes. Crap.
583
00:16:18,870 --> 00:16:20,909
And the food.Really?
584
00:16:20,910 --> 00:16:21,179
And the food.Really?
585
00:16:21,180 --> 00:16:23,259
I thought you liked my beef -
you said it was "edible".
586
00:16:23,260 --> 00:16:24,869
I thought you liked my beef -
you said it was "edible".
587
00:16:24,870 --> 00:16:26,139
Well, I was wrong.
588
00:16:26,140 --> 00:16:27,149
It was inedible.
589
00:16:27,150 --> 00:16:28,829
Sort of see that one coming.
590
00:16:28,830 --> 00:16:30,389
And you know what else is crap?
591
00:16:30,390 --> 00:16:31,739
No, do tell me.
592
00:16:31,740 --> 00:16:34,709
Your family.
593
00:16:34,710 --> 00:16:36,749
Your family is crap.
594
00:16:36,750 --> 00:16:37,829
Your family is crap.
595
00:16:37,830 --> 00:16:39,899
You'd better bloody say something
right now.
596
00:16:39,900 --> 00:16:40,109
You'd better bloody say something
right now.
597
00:16:40,110 --> 00:16:41,549
Er, Mum...
598
00:16:41,550 --> 00:16:42,989
Have you finished your meal?
599
00:16:42,990 --> 00:16:45,029
Oh, my God! My family's crap?!
600
00:16:45,030 --> 00:16:45,389
Oh, my God! My family's crap?!
601
00:16:45,390 --> 00:16:47,429
Well, I've got news for you,
Cynthia -
602
00:16:47,430 --> 00:16:47,669
Well, I've got news for you,
Cynthia -
603
00:16:47,670 --> 00:16:49,709
you're part of this crap family!
604
00:16:49,710 --> 00:16:50,139
you're part of this crap family!
605
00:16:50,140 --> 00:16:51,749
And don't I bloody know it?!
606
00:16:51,750 --> 00:16:53,819
With my crap daughter-in-law
and her crap hair!
607
00:16:53,820 --> 00:16:55,589
With my crap daughter-in-law
and her crap hair!
608
00:16:55,590 --> 00:16:57,339
WHISPERS: Crap hair?!
609
00:16:57,340 --> 00:16:59,259
And those idiotic boys,
610
00:16:59,260 --> 00:17:01,229
whose names I can barely
be bothered to remember.
611
00:17:01,230 --> 00:17:02,309
whose names I can barely
be bothered to remember.
612
00:17:02,310 --> 00:17:03,989
I'm Nicholas. And I'm Lawrence.
613
00:17:03,990 --> 00:17:05,909
And your son? Eh, Cynthia?
614
00:17:05,910 --> 00:17:07,949
What about your son? Your only son?
615
00:17:07,950 --> 00:17:08,429
What about your son? Your only son?
616
00:17:08,430 --> 00:17:10,469
Well, he used to be bearable,
617
00:17:10,470 --> 00:17:11,549
Well, he used to be bearable,
618
00:17:11,550 --> 00:17:13,589
but then he met you.
619
00:17:13,590 --> 00:17:17,480
but then he met you.
620
00:17:19,350 --> 00:17:21,389
Right!
621
00:17:21,390 --> 00:17:22,949
Martin?
622
00:17:22,950 --> 00:17:25,019
I'm not taking this shit any more!
623
00:17:25,020 --> 00:17:25,709
I'm not taking this shit any more!
624
00:17:25,710 --> 00:17:27,749
You, Cynthia Goodman,
are a terrible mother!
625
00:17:27,750 --> 00:17:29,069
You, Cynthia Goodman,
are a terrible mother!
626
00:17:29,070 --> 00:17:30,389
Hooray!
627
00:17:30,390 --> 00:17:32,069
And a terrible human being!
628
00:17:32,070 --> 00:17:33,509
Hoorah!
629
00:17:33,510 --> 00:17:35,429
Oh, it's all coming out now!
630
00:17:35,430 --> 00:17:37,499
Well, don't think I don't know
your secret name for me.
631
00:17:37,500 --> 00:17:39,149
Well, don't think I don't know
your secret name for me.
632
00:17:39,150 --> 00:17:41,189
It's Horrible Grandma, isn't it?
633
00:17:41,190 --> 00:17:41,429
It's Horrible Grandma, isn't it?
634
00:17:41,430 --> 00:17:43,109
Yup! It's Horrible Grandma!
635
00:17:43,110 --> 00:17:45,179
Cos you're the most horrible grandma
in the world.
636
00:17:45,180 --> 00:17:46,829
JACKIE: Er, universe.
Multiverse.Huh?
637
00:17:46,830 --> 00:17:48,699
Well, cos scientists think there
could be
638
00:17:48,700 --> 00:17:50,189
any number of universes out there.
639
00:17:50,190 --> 00:17:51,419
Yeah, maybe later.
640
00:17:51,420 --> 00:17:53,499
Well, since you all hate me so
much...
641
00:17:53,500 --> 00:17:53,909
Well, since you all hate me so
much...
642
00:17:53,910 --> 00:17:54,989
And we do.
643
00:17:54,990 --> 00:17:56,909
You're going home and never coming
back? No.
644
00:17:56,910 --> 00:17:58,949
I'm going to stay right here
and you'll never get rid of me!
645
00:17:58,950 --> 00:18:00,869
I'm going to stay right here
and you'll never get rid of me!
646
00:18:00,870 --> 00:18:02,939
SHE GIGGLES
647
00:18:02,940 --> 00:18:03,149
SHE GIGGLES
648
00:18:03,150 --> 00:18:04,469
You're a pig!
649
00:18:04,470 --> 00:18:05,909
Well, you would know!
650
00:18:05,910 --> 00:18:08,909
DOOR SLAMS
651
00:18:08,910 --> 00:18:10,709
Oh, my God.
652
00:18:10,710 --> 00:18:13,019
What just happened?
653
00:18:13,020 --> 00:18:15,029
More gin. More gin!
654
00:18:15,030 --> 00:18:15,269
More gin. More gin!
655
00:18:15,270 --> 00:18:16,589
GLASS SMASHES
656
00:18:16,590 --> 00:18:19,109
What the...?
657
00:18:19,110 --> 00:18:21,339
Huh?
658
00:18:21,340 --> 00:18:23,309
Oh, dear!
The shelves just fell off the wall!
659
00:18:23,310 --> 00:18:24,869
Oh, dear!
The shelves just fell off the wall!
660
00:18:24,870 --> 00:18:26,939
OK, if that cow isn't out of
this bloody house
661
00:18:26,940 --> 00:18:27,629
OK, if that cow isn't out of
this bloody house
662
00:18:27,630 --> 00:18:29,669
in two seconds... I just told you
I'm not going anywhere!
663
00:18:29,670 --> 00:18:31,589
in two seconds... I just told you
I'm not going anywhere!
664
00:18:31,590 --> 00:18:33,509
Right, then, I'm getting out
of this bloody house!
665
00:18:33,510 --> 00:18:35,429
Jackie...Boys, we're going for a
run.
666
00:18:35,430 --> 00:18:37,229
What?! Mum?
667
00:18:37,230 --> 00:18:39,149
And, Martin? Yes?
668
00:18:39,150 --> 00:18:41,069
You're staying here and guarding
your lunatic of a mother.
669
00:18:41,070 --> 00:18:42,629
Oh, shitting shit!
670
00:18:42,630 --> 00:18:44,699
Careful you don't break
both your legs, Jacqueline.
671
00:18:44,700 --> 00:18:45,029
Careful you don't break
both your legs, Jacqueline.
672
00:18:45,030 --> 00:18:46,139
SHE GROWLS
673
00:18:46,140 --> 00:18:47,189
CYNTHIA GIGGLES
674
00:18:47,190 --> 00:18:49,229
Come on! Best night ever? Possible!
675
00:18:49,230 --> 00:18:49,499
Come on! Best night ever? Possible!
676
00:18:49,500 --> 00:18:50,669
Hello, all!
677
00:18:50,670 --> 00:18:52,709
Oh, God. No, Jim, not now.
678
00:18:52,710 --> 00:18:52,949
Oh, God. No, Jim, not now.
679
00:18:52,950 --> 00:18:54,989
Sorry, Jackie, but I think
I left something in your house.
680
00:18:54,990 --> 00:18:55,829
Sorry, Jackie, but I think
I left something in your house.
681
00:18:55,830 --> 00:18:57,629
Well, you can get it tomorrow, OK?
Excuse me.
682
00:18:57,630 --> 00:18:59,669
I must have it now, Jackie, I must!
683
00:18:59,670 --> 00:18:59,909
I must have it now, Jackie, I must!
684
00:18:59,910 --> 00:19:01,499
It's my hankie.
685
00:19:01,500 --> 00:19:03,149
Your hankie.
686
00:19:03,150 --> 00:19:06,149
My magic hankie.
687
00:19:06,150 --> 00:19:08,219
I'm sure I left it in here
somewhere.
688
00:19:08,220 --> 00:19:08,429
I'm sure I left it in here
somewhere.
689
00:19:08,430 --> 00:19:10,139
Please hurry up. Please!
690
00:19:10,140 --> 00:19:12,219
I can't believe you made her tea.
691
00:19:12,220 --> 00:19:12,389
I can't believe you made her tea.
692
00:19:12,390 --> 00:19:13,499
HE SPLUTTERS
693
00:19:13,500 --> 00:19:14,669
It's delicious.
694
00:19:14,670 --> 00:19:16,709
Oh, here it is! Silly me.
695
00:19:16,710 --> 00:19:18,779
Oh, here it is! Silly me.
696
00:19:18,780 --> 00:19:20,859
It was in my pocket the whole time.
697
00:19:20,860 --> 00:19:21,029
It was in my pocket the whole time.
698
00:19:21,030 --> 00:19:22,139
HE SNORTS
699
00:19:22,140 --> 00:19:23,189
What is it?
700
00:19:23,190 --> 00:19:25,829
It's my magic hankie.
701
00:19:25,830 --> 00:19:27,419
Well, bye, all!
702
00:19:27,420 --> 00:19:29,019
MARTIN:Er, goodbye, Jim.
703
00:19:29,020 --> 00:19:30,749
Actually, Jim...
704
00:19:30,750 --> 00:19:32,789
..how would you like to perform
some magic
705
00:19:32,790 --> 00:19:33,029
..how would you like to perform
some magic
706
00:19:33,030 --> 00:19:36,920
for my wonderful mother-in-law?
707
00:19:46,140 --> 00:19:48,149
Well, get on with it, you silly man!
708
00:19:48,150 --> 00:19:49,589
Well, get on with it, you silly man!
709
00:19:49,590 --> 00:19:51,629
Mrs Cynthia Goodman, is your card...
710
00:19:51,630 --> 00:19:53,339
Mrs Cynthia Goodman, is your card...
711
00:19:53,340 --> 00:19:55,949
..the ten of hearts?
712
00:19:55,950 --> 00:19:57,989
I just told you, you idiot - it's
the queen of bloody spades!
713
00:19:57,990 --> 00:20:00,059
I just told you, you idiot - it's
the queen of bloody spades!
714
00:20:00,060 --> 00:20:00,629
I just told you, you idiot - it's
the queen of bloody spades!
715
00:20:00,630 --> 00:20:01,709
Oh.
716
00:20:01,710 --> 00:20:03,419
Such a difficult one, isn't it, Jim?
717
00:20:03,420 --> 00:20:05,189
Yes, it's difficult, isn't it?
718
00:20:05,190 --> 00:20:07,259
Perhaps you'd like to see me
make something disappear?
719
00:20:07,260 --> 00:20:09,149
Perhaps you'd like to see me
make something disappear?
720
00:20:09,150 --> 00:20:11,189
I'd like to see you
make SOMEONE disappear.
721
00:20:11,190 --> 00:20:12,539
I'd like to see you
make SOMEONE disappear.
722
00:20:12,540 --> 00:20:14,549
Actually, why don't you make me
disappear from this stupid craphole?
723
00:20:14,550 --> 00:20:16,589
Actually, why don't you make me
disappear from this stupid craphole?
724
00:20:16,590 --> 00:20:17,069
Actually, why don't you make me
disappear from this stupid craphole?
725
00:20:17,070 --> 00:20:19,109
Aw, how sweet.
726
00:20:19,110 --> 00:20:19,469
Aw, how sweet.
727
00:20:19,470 --> 00:20:20,699
Um, OK, then, Mrs Goodman.
728
00:20:20,700 --> 00:20:22,779
Perhaps I could borrow this towel?
729
00:20:22,780 --> 00:20:23,309
Perhaps I could borrow this towel?
730
00:20:23,310 --> 00:20:24,629
The magic towel?
731
00:20:24,630 --> 00:20:27,389
The magic towel.
732
00:20:27,390 --> 00:20:30,629
And so...
733
00:20:30,630 --> 00:20:32,699
..I say the magic word...
734
00:20:32,700 --> 00:20:32,909
..I say the magic word...
735
00:20:32,910 --> 00:20:34,949
HE STUTTERS:..abadababadababada...
736
00:20:34,950 --> 00:20:37,499
HE STUTTERS:..abadababadababada...
737
00:20:37,500 --> 00:20:41,189
..and she's gone!
738
00:20:41,190 --> 00:20:43,229
Er, isn't she just
sort of behind the towel?
739
00:20:43,230 --> 00:20:44,789
Er, isn't she just
sort of behind the towel?
740
00:20:44,790 --> 00:20:46,829
What? Oh, no, no,
she's definitely disappeared.
741
00:20:46,830 --> 00:20:48,389
What? Oh, no, no,
she's definitely disappeared.
742
00:20:48,390 --> 00:20:49,709
Right.
743
00:20:49,710 --> 00:20:51,749
And now, with the power of magic,
I will make her come back again.
744
00:20:51,750 --> 00:20:53,189
And now, with the power of magic,
I will make her come back again.
745
00:20:53,190 --> 00:20:54,509
Please don't.
746
00:20:54,510 --> 00:20:58,400
HE STUTTERS
747
00:21:03,420 --> 00:21:04,859
Cynthia?
748
00:21:04,860 --> 00:21:06,869
As I said,
with such a massive heart attack,
749
00:21:06,870 --> 00:21:08,909
she really wouldn't have
felt a thing, Mr Goodman.
750
00:21:08,910 --> 00:21:09,179
she really wouldn't have
felt a thing, Mr Goodman.
751
00:21:09,180 --> 00:21:11,259
All just very quick and painless.
752
00:21:11,260 --> 00:21:11,909
All just very quick and painless.
753
00:21:11,910 --> 00:21:13,349
A good way to go.
754
00:21:13,350 --> 00:21:15,419
Thanks, Doctor.Thank you.
755
00:21:15,420 --> 00:21:18,149
Thanks, Doctor.Thank you.
756
00:21:18,150 --> 00:21:20,069
HE EXHALES
Wow.
757
00:21:20,070 --> 00:21:21,509
Yeah.
758
00:21:21,510 --> 00:21:23,579
Again, Martin, I'm so sorry
that I killed your mother...
759
00:21:23,580 --> 00:21:25,659
Again, Martin, I'm so sorry
that I killed your mother...
760
00:21:25,660 --> 00:21:26,189
Again, Martin, I'm so sorry
that I killed your mother...
761
00:21:26,190 --> 00:21:28,109
..with my magic.
762
00:21:28,110 --> 00:21:29,669
Er, right, Jim.
763
00:21:29,670 --> 00:21:31,709
In a way, I did sort of make her
disappear.
764
00:21:31,710 --> 00:21:32,859
In a way, I did sort of make her
disappear.
765
00:21:32,860 --> 00:21:34,829
Goodbye, Jim. Come on, Milson.
766
00:21:34,830 --> 00:21:35,099
Goodbye, Jim. Come on, Milson.
767
00:21:35,100 --> 00:21:36,629
Good girl.
768
00:21:36,630 --> 00:21:38,669
Ooh, and, Martin, here's that £20
back.
769
00:21:38,670 --> 00:21:40,709
Ooh, and, Martin, here's that £20
back.
770
00:21:40,710 --> 00:21:42,029
Ooh, and, Martin, here's that £20
back.
771
00:21:42,030 --> 00:21:44,069
Buy yourself something
nice at the funeral.
772
00:21:44,070 --> 00:21:44,309
Buy yourself something
nice at the funeral.
773
00:21:44,310 --> 00:21:48,200
Er...Goodbye, Jim.
774
00:21:50,070 --> 00:21:52,109
Well, she definitely didn't last to
100.
775
00:21:52,110 --> 00:21:53,189
Well, she definitely didn't last to
100.
776
00:21:53,190 --> 00:21:54,389
Adam.
777
00:21:54,390 --> 00:21:56,429
It's all just so strange.
778
00:21:56,430 --> 00:21:56,699
It's all just so strange.
779
00:21:56,700 --> 00:21:58,709
What? Being murdered by magic?
Jonny!
780
00:21:58,710 --> 00:21:59,099
What? Being murdered by magic?
Jonny!
781
00:21:59,100 --> 00:22:00,869
And on my birthday, too.
782
00:22:00,870 --> 00:22:02,939
Yeah, your birthday.
783
00:22:02,940 --> 00:22:04,589
Yeah, your birthday.
784
00:22:04,590 --> 00:22:07,229
What a birthday.
785
00:22:07,230 --> 00:22:10,779
HE SOBS
786
00:22:10,780 --> 00:22:12,749
Oh, poor Dad.
787
00:22:12,750 --> 00:22:14,309
Yeah.
788
00:22:14,310 --> 00:22:16,229
I'm sorry, Dad.
789
00:22:16,230 --> 00:22:17,789
HE CRIES
790
00:22:17,790 --> 00:22:19,829
That's it, Martin.
791
00:22:19,830 --> 00:22:20,189
That's it, Martin.
792
00:22:20,190 --> 00:22:22,229
Aw, let it all out.
793
00:22:22,230 --> 00:22:23,739
Aw, let it all out.
794
00:22:23,740 --> 00:22:25,709
SOBBING TURNS TO LAUGHTER
795
00:22:25,710 --> 00:22:27,749
SOBBING TURNS TO LAUGHTER
796
00:22:27,750 --> 00:22:31,640
SOBBING TURNS TO LAUGHTER
797
00:22:32,310 --> 00:22:34,109
Er...It's just nerves.
798
00:22:34,110 --> 00:22:35,549
Is it nerves?
799
00:22:35,550 --> 00:22:37,589
It's not nerves!
800
00:22:37,590 --> 00:22:37,829
It's not nerves!
801
00:22:37,830 --> 00:22:39,869
HE LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY
802
00:22:39,870 --> 00:22:43,760
HE LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY
803
00:22:48,870 --> 00:22:50,939
# I change shapes just to hide in
this place
804
00:22:50,940 --> 00:22:51,989
# I change shapes just to hide in
this place
805
00:22:51,990 --> 00:22:54,029
# But I'm still, I'm still an animal
806
00:22:54,030 --> 00:22:56,069
# But I'm still, I'm still an animal
807
00:22:56,070 --> 00:22:56,549
# But I'm still, I'm still an animal
808
00:22:56,550 --> 00:22:58,619
# Nobody knows it but me when I slip
809
00:22:58,620 --> 00:22:59,309
# Nobody knows it but me when I slip
810
00:22:59,310 --> 00:23:03,200
# Yeah, I slip, I'm still an animal
59903
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