Original subtitles

Attention, students,

reminder that the upcoming test will determine

your eligibility for any job in your future.

I best recommend studying.

All right, settle down, enough chit chat.

You out there watching, wherever you are, you shush too.

Welcome to Puffs, live off Broadway,

and welcome to a certain school of magic and magic.

A few announcements.

First off, in case you were not aware, Puffs is a play,

a play that has been filmed,

but just because you may not be in a theater

watching this theatrical performance

does not mean you can't have all the fun that comes with.

So please, unwrap your candies now,

and if you find yourself in need of using the loo,

be sure to make a big show of it.

Now sit back, relax, extend your ears, and enjoy Puffs,

Puffs, Puffs,

Puffs, Puffs, Puffs.

- Heroes, made, not born.

Except sometimes, they are born, on a gloomy night,

in a far away magical land called England.

Oh, a giant!

Aw, a baby!

His parents, dead, but he lives.

He is the Boy Who Lives.

He has a scar on his forehead, shaped like, well,

you know.

You get it?

You are familiar with this boy, hmm?

Well, forget about him! - Goodbye!

- This story is not about him.

Ah, another orphan.

His parents also dead,

killed in a freak chocolate frog accident.

Please, don't ask.

This boy was whisked away to live with his uncle

in the even more magical land of

Cattlepoke Springs, New Mexico.

- Yee-haw!

Oh, no!

- Where the boy grows up.

And up until a few weeks ago, this now 11-year-old boy

had only the regular problems of a child in 1991.

- Aw, man!

Uncle Dave, a bird just flew into our living room

and dropped a letter that says I'm a wizard

and I need to go to school in England.

What kind of bird?

- An owl, I think.

- Oh, my God, I forgot to tell you.

You're a wizard, Wayne!

Also, wizards exist and you are one,

just like your British parents.

Oh, shit!

Your parents were British!

Wow, we gotta talk more.

Come on, I'll drive you to the airport.

- And before he knew it, after a confusing

train station experience.

Wayne found himself at the gates of a certain school

of female magic and male magic,

where he would spend the next seven years.

Tonight, we'll be taking an incredibly in-depth look

at those seven years over the next five hours

split into two parts.

What?

90-ish minutes?

Oh, tonight we'll be taking a look at those seven years,

seven years that were, in one word, eventful.

It begins as these stories tend to begin, with a sorting!

- Finnegan, Seamus!

Brave!

- Goldstein, Anthony.

Smart!

- It just says Goyle.

- Goyle. - Snake!

- Granger, Her, Her-mee-oh-nay?

- Question, hypothetical, what if I don't have

enough of a personality for the magical talking hat

to sort me?

Like, how much authority does the hat actually have?

Never mind.

This place is pretty crazy, huh?

I never thought I'd go to school in a castle.

Pretty cool!

I never really liked regular school, people were mean to me.

I'm sorry, I'm talking too much.

You probably have all your own nervous thoughts going on.

Can I tell you something?

I think I might be special.

I mean, I watch a lot of movies and read a lot of books,

and it's like, normal boy finds out

that he actually has amazing abilities and gets swept away

to a new magical world!

Does that sound familiar?

'Cause that is now my actual life,

and that kid, through some incredible circumstance

always ends up becoming, like, the most important person,

like, in the whole world, a sort of Chosen One!

Magic is real and this orphaned boy wizard

is ready for seven years of amazing adventures!

Mr. Potter.

- Oh, excuse me!

Oh, no, Hat, not that, anything but that, please!

Brave!

- Oh, um, another one.

Uh, student.

- Wayne Hopkins.

- Sure, come on.

Puff!

- Boo, the Puffs!

Spoiler alert, not everyone's favorite,

but when a hat speaks, you listen.

And the new recruits were quickly whisked away

to a quaint little basement somewhere near the kitchens.

Welcome to what I like to call Year One:

The Puffs and the Sorcerer's Attempt at Earning Points

and Making Friends.

- Guys, guess what!

We're all wizards!

Yeah.

- Oh, we should all introduce ourselves!

My name is J. Finch Fletchley.

I'm boyish and fun.

Hi!

- I'm Susie Bones, once upon a time,

my entire family was murdered, except for my aunt.

Hi!

- I'm Wayne, I've read The Silmarillion, twice.

Hi!

- I'm Sally Perks, and I go to this school!

Hi!

- Who's that?

Oh, it's me, Ernie Mac.

I'm basically the best, so hi.

Hi!

- Who's that?

It's me, Hannah.

I'm Hannah.

Hi!

- I was raised in a cabin by my grandparents,

and you're the first other children that I've ever seen,

and I'm a wizard!

And my name is Leanne!

Hi!

- Um, Oliver Rivers, and I'm just here to keep my head down

and get a fundamental understanding of wizarding basics.

Hi!

- Megan Jones!

Yep, that's right, just so we're clear, I'm not like you,

any of you, so leave me alone!

Hi!

- And my name is Cedric!

Thanks, now, gather round, don't be shy.

Welcome to the Puffs!

Hi!

- Just a few things to get you acquainted to the school.

First, the stairs move.

Don't freak out, just breathe.

Second, the Puffs don't exactly have

the best reputation here.

People will make jokes about you,

throw food at you,

or they might curse you.

In fact, here is a list of curses

you can expect to be hit by at some point in the next week.

But none of that matters because, really,

we're a bunch of nice, fun, happy people!

Also, badgers!

Badgers are great.

That being said, there's something very important

we need to discuss.

What do you think the most important part

of magic school is?

- Learning magic! - Wrong.

The House Cup.

Here, you earn points for doing something right,

and you lose them for doing something wrong.

Puffs have come in last place in the House Cup for ever,

but together, we're going to change that.

This year, we're going to win.

Or we're going to get second!

Or we're going to get third!

Third or nothing!

Third or nothing!

Third or nothing!

Third or nothing!

- Whoever gets the most points, they'd be a real hero.

- Me?

- Maybe.

Well, I'm off to bed.

- Oh, if Cedric's going to bed, I'm going to bed too!

J. Finch out!

- So it's official, the next seven years are gonna suck!

Can you believe this group of dingbats?

- I thought everyone seemed nice.

- You're talking to me?

You're not running away?

- Why would we do that?

- Um, everyone knows my mom worked for You Know Who.

Who?

- The Dark Lord? - Who?

- Whatever, the guy was a super evil wizard.

There are evil wizards?

- Yes, and my mom was one of his most feared followers.

I warn you, I'm just as badass as her!

- Megan, our beds are stacked

on top of each other magically!

- It's a bunk bed?

We're wizards!

- I'm gonna hang out with the snakes, where I belong!

You can't leave, you might lose points.

- Watch me!

- You new to all this too?

- Yes, all of it.

- You're not British. - No, New Jersey!

My family just moved to England back in May

so they could be closer to me when I started

at The Mathematical Institute at Oxford this semester.

- But you're 11.

- Oh, I know, I've sort of been called a math savant,

but that's not important now.

Now I'm just a wizard,

a beginner level wizard.

You don't think ending up here means

we're already bad at wizarding, right?

I'm not used to being bad at school.

- No, we just have to focus on earning those points

and the rest will take care of itself.

I mean, it's just magic.

How hard could it possibly be?

I'm so excited!

- Are we in a dungeon? - Sit, everyone.

Now, you're here to learn the art

of Potion Ma, oh.

Puffs.

Hi!

- Can anyone tell me what is a potion?

- Oh, it's what you put on your skin to make it feel soft!

- No, that's lotion.

- Oh, it's that place where all the fishies live!

- Wrong, that's the ocean.

- Ooh, ooh, it's a starchy root vegetable!

- You mean a potato.

- It is magic liquid!

- You are the most dunderheaded student I've ever seen

sit in my class.

If you manage to succeed in my course this year,

I will eat a shoe.

10 points from the Puffs.

- I ate a shoe once and it didn't taste good,

but it didn't taste bad.

- Class dismissed.

- Transfiguration, the art of, oh, Puffs.

Hi!

- Yes, hello.

We are going to turn things into other things.

Just go crazy. - Yes!

- Oh, Mr. Rivers, oh, dear!

Your wand technique is all wrong.

Here, you get to use the training wand, ooh!

Five points from the Puffs.

Defense

Against the--

Yah!

You will pay for this insolence!

Where did that voice come from?

- 10 points from the Puffs!

- Is there a math class?

Please tell me next is math class.

- Next, we have something called Herbology.

- I hope it's not scary or confusing.

- Class, we're going to look at plants!

Yay, plants!

- Okay, I will admit, with the exception of Herbology,

which is awesome, this isn't easy.

- Well, maybe we should just go sit in our room

and hide for seven years so we don't lose any more points.

- It's only the first day.

Besides, we have our first flying lesson

right after the Braves, who are going now.

If you want it so bad, you'll have to catch it!

- Oh, I did it, I caught the ball sphere, I did it!

Whoa!

- Potter, what a bluthering whimpersnatch!

What are you two broomheads looking at?

Eat slugs!

- Students, vomiting slugs?

What would the plants say?

50 points from the Puffs.

- You've just been Malfoyed!

Wizard school's just like regular school!

- How sad, but now, you know, I think it's time

for something a bit more festive.

It's the Halloween feast!

J. Finch approved!

- Hey, Megan.

Oliver, where have you been?

- Sorry, I've been working on charms.

I think I've got it, ascensiono!

Oh, I can't lose any more points, Wayne.

Everyone hates us enough already!

- Look, it's Halloween, let's just sit back, relax,

and hope nothing bad happens.

- Troll in the dungeon!

- Puffs, emergency formation number four!

We are not a threat.

Please be our friend.

- Very good.

- Wait, Ron, I've just had a thought!

Hermione!

Yes, I know that, Ron, but she doesn't know about the troll

and we have to go save her.

Meanwhile, in the Puff common room.

We are not a threat!

Please be our friend!

- It's going to kill us all.

- No, somebody told me it was my long-lost twin sister.

No, I get it, they were bullying me.

- J. Finch is too young to die!

- Everyone, everyone, calm down!

We're safe in our basement.

This will be the only time our lives

will ever be in danger here, ever.

Now, I'm off to bed.

- Wait, Oliver, Megan's not here.

- Oh, no, does she need to be saved or something?

- No, she's probably out there losing points.

We have to stop her!

- I'm sorry, we?

- It's up to all of us to protect those points.

This is it, Oliver, the points are how we become heroes!

Let's go!

- Wow, that corridor was full of some horrifying stuff.

Oh, that's why it's forbidden, I get it.

Whoa, weird mirror.

Whoa, demon mirror!

Boo!

- Hey, I told you not to sneak up on me like that!

Hello, Fat Friar.

- Megan, you can just say Friar,

and what are you doing all alone on Halloween?

Shouldn't you be with your friends?

- Friends, you're like the only person that talks to me.

Oh, my Wizard God, I just realized how pathetic that is!

- Ouch, my self esteem!

- It's just, like, come on, Mom,

break out of Wizard Prison already and come rescue me

from this hell hole, please.

I wonder what she's doing.

- I'd like to take this moment to formally introduce you

to Xavia Jones, a Puff, a dark wizard.

They say few that have crossed her path

have lived to tell the tale, and I mean, look at her.

She looks pretty crazy.

But lucky for us, she is locked away

in an inescapable wizard prison,

and will probably never get out, probably.

- Anyways, maybe you'd like to play Wiz Checkers?

Perhaps those two sneaky boys over there would like to join!

Run for your life!

- Get out here now!

So you followed me, Hopkins?

Spying on me, trying to learn my dark evil secrets?

- No, we were just trying to find you.

- To protect you from the troll.

And to make sure you didn't lost any more points.

- Do I look like I need protecting from the two of you?

Wait, a troll?

Ooh, where, I want it as a pet!

- Megan, this is why you don't have any friends!

- Shut up, fatty.

- Self esteem.

- These two are gonna get what they deserve.

Hmm, what would my mom do in a situation like this?

I think she'd torture you!

Prepare to meet your doom!

- No, wait, wait, wait, wait!

What if, instead of torturing us, we just all hung out,

like friends?

- We'll what? - Go for it!

- Yeah, we're all kinda the worst people at this school.

Why not be the worst together?

Megan shouldn't have to be alone

just 'cause her mom is evil.

And hey, I think it's cool you hang out with Mr. Friar.

- Hey, Mr. Friar, I like it!

- Right, Oliver?

- Yeah, we can hang out, the Fat Friar too.

- Aw, my self esteem!

- You promise this isn't a joke?

I promise, us Puffs have to stick together.

- I am not a Puff, the hat got it wrong.

I'm the most not Puffiest person you'll ever meet, got it?

- Got it.

- Got it.

- How about letting us go?

- I guess.

I dub thee friends!

Is that how this works?

I don't have friends.

- Sure.

- Okay, great, glad we settled that.

Now, we should probably get outta here.

If we get caught, we would lose so many points.

- Students caught lurking while a troll is about?

The plants will be so disappointed.

- Wait, I was hunting the troll so I could shove my wand

up its nose, and I don't know, murder it.

But these two friends taught me the error of my ways.

- Hmm, 50 points to the Puffs, each.

The plants love life lessons, so goodnight, have fun.

- Guys, I think this is the start of something really great.

Whoa, weird mirror.

- Yes, a weird mirror with the power to show

the greatest desire of the onlooker's heart.

You know, one must wonder what these three would see

whilst looking in it.

- I'm being handed a medal.

I saved all the wizards, I'm a hero, I'm the hero.

And I made the Puffs the best, most important house forever!

And I have a lightsaber!

- I finally do it, a brand new theorem

that makes differential calculus look like trigonometry

for dumb-dumbs, awesome!

- I, uh, don't see anything.

That's weird, are you sure?

- I don't want to cut this short,

but we probably should get out of here.

- Yes, what do you think this mirror is?

- Maybe it's the future.

That must be our future, we're gonna be so cool!

- But what did Miss Jones see in her reflection?

Well, I--

- My mom, she wants to go somewhere far away, just us.

The future, huh?

All right!

Whoa, how'd this rock get in there?

- Oh, my, I, sadly, am obligated to tell you

that this was not the only lifelong friendship

forged on October 31st, 1991.

- Well, you two, it looks like we're gonna be

real good mates forever.

- We get it!

Jesus Merlin Christ, some people!

- Lumos!

Lumos!

Lumos!

- It's in the way you move your wrist, like a little circle.

Lumos!

Wayne, right?

- Yes, yeah, yes, yeah,

yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, hi, Cedric.

- Listen, man, winning all of those points?

Pretty cool!

You really started something.

Everyone's earning points now, look!

- Repairo!

- Alohamoro!

- Olive guardium leviosa!

- No, it's olive guardium leviosah!

We're wizards!

- We're moving up!

I think we're finally going to do it this year.

Third place.

- Cedric!

Third place.

Oh, Cedric thinks I'm cool!

I feel like I could do anything right now.

Lumos!

I guess I'll go watch the sports game.

Sports!

For those joining us, the players are trying

to throw the ball through the hoops to score points,

but don't get hit by those other balls.

Ope, he caught the ball!

Wow, game over, and the Puffs lose

in the shortest game ever.

How sad.

- Students, gather round.

Yes, yes, another year.

What a year it has been.

And now the House Cup needs awarding.

In fourth place, the Braves with 312 points.

In third place, the Puffs.

- Can I hear a third place?

Third place!

♪ Third or nothin' ♪

♪ That's who we are ♪

- Yes, yes, well done, Snakes.

However, recent events must be taken into account.

Now, you may find yourselves asking,

"Can he give out more points now?"

Well, yes, yes, he can.

- And so, the Headmaster ended up

dishing out a couple of extra points

for some questionable accomplishments.

A chess game?

Logic?

Pure nerve?

Standing up to friends?

- And so it seems we need a change of decoration.

Ha, ha, oh, me.

- Hey, don't be sad!

This year, we've learned skills and built friendships,

and nobody died except that teacher!

What a year!

You can't put a number on life, unless you can,

in which case, we got four, fourth place for us!

- But hey,

we're wizards!

Yeah!

- And that was the class of '98's

first year of magic school.

Now, year two.

Ah, the second year.

You're older, you're wiser,

you're ready for a safe, fun year.

Nope, welcome to Year Two:

The Puffs and the Ancient Giant Snake

That Began Attacking Students the Same Year

It Was Discovered a Certain Other Student

Could Talk to Snakes.

- Not yet!

First, school work.

- What is this concoction that you've made,

Mr. Rivers? - A potion?

- Ooh, I think remedial Potions will be in order this year.

- Oliver, you are to transfigure this beetle into a button.

Now, what is so difficult about that?

- Everything?

- Remedial Transfiguration, Oliver.

- History of Magic, magic history,

wizards, history, remedial History of Magic, Mr. Rivers.

- But I'm a smart person.

I'm a smart person!

- No...

- Hey, hey, cut it out!

Seriously, leave me alone!

Get away from here now!

Man, I hope something really bad happens to that kid!

- Yikes!

Halloween arrived, and brought with it a nasty surprise.

- A secret chamber has been opened.

There's a monster, there's a message written in blood.

It's the coolest thing ever!

Also, I'm into books now.

- Well, naturally, naturally,

less people were as excited about this as one could imagine.

- I'm not excited about this!

It's my job to make sure you're all educated,

so who wants to come to Dueling Club?

Now, none of us want to end like that poor boy,

the one who was attacked, the one with the camera.

- No, we certainly didn't want anything

bad to happen to him.

- Let's get two volunteers up here.

Mr. Potter! - And Mr. Malfoy.

Snake spell!

J. Finch sees a snake, J. Finch is gonna die!

- Snake, no!

Snake, what are you doing?

Don't bite Justin, leave us alone.

- Unfortunately, this is not

what the rest of the school heard, this is:

- Harry tried to kill me!

He's gonna kill everyone!

We are not a threat!

Please be our friend.

- That settles it then, Potter's the Heir of Snakes.

Someone has to stop him!

- He's going to kill us all!

- No!

It's just ol' J. Finch he's after, and I never got to,

I never got to eat all the flavored beans.

- Justin, we'll keep you safe.

Just promise you won't leave this common room.

Promise you won't leave.

- I promise.

Welp, I'm gonna leave now, bye!

- Okay. - Bye!

- Have fun leaving!

Let's all go to bed!

♪ J. Finch Finchin' around, Finchin' the halls ♪

♪ Finchin' himself, Finchin' his friends, Finchin' the world ♪

- Oh, hi, Mr. Nick!

- Hello, Justin!

Whoa!

- Uh-oh, better get out of here before someone sees me.

Nobody understands Harry!

- Last time our lives will be in danger here, definitely.

It got J. Finch, we have to be careful.

Who knows what could be lurking around every corner.

- Well, if any of the books I've been reading mean anything,

there's definitely a monster, and it's out to kill everyone.

It's super cool!

I mean, meritorious.

I'm into books now.

- This is a lot for twelve-year-olds to handle!

- The adults aren't helping, so I think it falls to me

to find this monster, defeat Potter,

and go down in history as the hero of the school!

- I don't know if you're qualified

for any of that. - I'll get an award!

Megan, take Oliver to safety.

It's definitely coming for him next.

- What? - It's after Mug Borns.

You're a Mug Born, which means you're next.

Oh, my Wizard God, what is that?

Ha, just kidding!

Wow, it's gonna be a fun year.

- Wayne, if I get petrified, please make sure

I am in a dignified position!

- Okay, this must be it,

the thing I'm supposed to do

to make that magic future mirror reflection

of my awesome future self my actual future.

I just gotta kill a monster.

I can find it inside myself, my inner

RoboCop,

my spiritual John McClane, yeah!

Hey, monster, Puff on this!

- Oh, I'm sorry, my fault!

- Oh, no, no, no, no, I was just...

Hi, I'm Wayne.

- Ginny, my name is Ginny!

It was nice meeting you, Wayne!

I'm sure I'll see you-- - Wait, you--

- Yes?

- Forgot your diary.

- No!

What will it make me do next?

- Hey, hey, hey, hey, if it's so bad,

why don't you just put it somewhere

no one will ever find it, like a toilet, or something?

A toilet!

Maybe!

Thanks, Wayne.

- Wow!

I am in love.

As soon as I become the hero of the school,

that girl will want to marry me!

This is really my year.

- Students, gather round, yes, yes.

Now, I just want to reaffirm to you all

that even in the face of grave danger,

the doors of this school will always remain open.

- No, they won't.

- Never mind, a redhead's been kidnapped.

School is canceled forever, go home.

- Yes, forget books!

Suck it, everyone!

- Never mind, the monster is dead.

Now let's all hear a round of applause

for the boy who fought it alone, Mr. Potter.

- Not completely alone, Ron helped.

I'm the hero of this school.

- Yes, yes, now, you all know I don't pick favorites,

but Harry, he is my favorite.

Now, please, I would like to take a moment of silence

for my pet bird who tragically died.

Never mind, he's alive again.

Exam's are canceled, see you next year.

- Year two, the one with the snakes.

♪ J. Finch, Finchin' around ♪

- Ta-da!

The summer of '93, and our trio were determined

to keep in touch the old fashioned way,

by writing two copies of the same letter

and then sending it by owl across the world.

- Dear, Megan and Oliver, this new movie just came out.

It's called Free Willy.

It's about this young boy's adventure to free a whale.

It was amazing!

And I've just been thinkin' about how adventures

come in all shapes and sizes.

I know mine is coming, I just have to find my own whale.

I just have to free my own Willy.

Wayne.

P.S. How does this owl know where to go?

- Wayne, yeah, sure, free your Willy.

I'll see you soon, Oliver.

- Uncle Dave here!

There is an owl in my living room!

Birds!

- Wayne, Oliver, Wayne's uncle, Willys, whatever!

Big news, a mass murderer broke out of Wizard Prison.

What if my mom sent him after me

to come and rescue me from that shitty school?

I've got a feeling, this year, things are gonna get really

Sirius.

P.S. The guy's name is Sirius.

- A murderer on the loose?

Ruh-roh.

Luckily, Wizard Government safety measures

have been put into effect,

something that will make the children feel

safe.

Lumos!

No!

Expecting an expectation!

Yah!

Very safe.

Here, you in the front row, take this.

It's magic chocolate, a Rolo, yes.

It'll make you feel happy again.

You in the back, I'm sorry, you're sad forever.

Safety is the name of the game in Year Three:

The Puffs in Pajamas 'Cause a Mass Murderer

Got Into the School.

- I'm telling you guys,

the headmaster looks different this year!

- Oliver, I'm a little more concerned with the murderer

coming to our school!

Hey, Megan, what if he's not coming to rescue you?

What if he's coming to murder someone?

- Nope, he's definitely coming to rescue me,

and it'll be a super huge deal because this year,

I'll be spending my time with the Braves,

and everything notable that happens happens to them,

like this guy.

- I'm Neville?

I'm Brave.

- If you need me, we'll be out there being both rebellious

and charming, and Brave!

- Guys, guys, guys!

Come to my slumber party!

It's in The Great Hall, on the floor,

and it's going to be so much fun!

But I warn you, I snore, want to see?

- Leanne. - Sorry!

I was having a dream that I was a unicorn,

but I didn't have a horn and I was eating hay.

- Well, the workload gets pretty heavy,

so we're busy, actually.

- Everyone is busy.

Ooh, what's this?

Oh, you boys are throwing a slumber party?

Ooh!

Hi, Sally.

Hi, Sally!

I don't have a sleeping bag.

I guess I'll have to share.

Oh, well, guess I'll be seeing you boys around.

- Oh, my, my, Sally Perks certainly perked up,

if you know what I--

I have to go!

- In year three, students are allowed to take electives,

enthralling subjects such as:

- Divination, the art of seeing the future.

- Ooh, the future, ooh, the inner eye, tea leaves and--

Death!

Death is coming to you all!

Death!

- What?

Class dismissed.

- Ancient Runes, it's about rocks.

- How old do you think this rune is right here?

Guess what, it's ancient, it's an ancient rune.

Yes, Megan.

- Is this useful in any way?

- No, class dismissed forever.

- Oh, Arithmancy?

Another class I'm sure I'll fail.

- Welcome, class, to Mug Studies.

Oh, sorry, wrong room.

- Now, can anyone tell me what this is?

- That is a toaster.

- Ooh, a smarty smart, a regular Einstein.

We will cover him later.

Now, can anyone tell me what algebra is?

- I'd like to stay in this class, please!

- Wait a second, how is Granger in all three of our classes

at the same time?

Magic.

What, no, no.

Oh, honestly.

- And so, year three was off to an eventful,

yet safe, start, but all that would change on,

you guessed it, Halloween.

Attention, students, the headmaster here.

The murderer is in the school.

He attacked a portrait, then left.

Report to The Great Hall.

I said now!

We are not a threat.

Please be our friend.

- Guys, guys, the whole school came to my slumber party!

Why is everyone so sad and frightened?

- That poor painting.

That poor painting.

- Hey, guys, somebody told me that the murderer

is only going after pretty girls, so I don't have to worr,

I get it they were bullying me.

- Everyone, I've been told to inform you

it looks like we'll be spending the whole night here.

But hey, how about a story to help you get to sleep?

- How 'bout a story about the Puffs?

- A cool one. - Yeah!

- There's the story of Helga, the first Puff.

That's a pretty cool story.

All right then.

Once upon a time--

- A professional will take it from here!

From The Tragic Yet Rewarding History of The Puffs,

chapter two.

There once lived an excellent cook,

who also happened to be a witch.

Her name was Helga.

- Have you seen my cup?

It's a nice cup.

Oh, badgers.

- She could often be found hanging out

with her special friends.

- Ooh, let's play a game!

Who can read all the books?

Whoops, I won, I am so smart!

- Why don't we play a different game?

That is, if you are Brave enough.

- Did someone mention bravery in passing?

Meow!

- Hey, guys.

- Well, we have all this magical knowledge.

Why don't we start a school?

- And so they magicked a castle into existence,

but then they were left with

an important question to answer.

What type of student would they admit?

- Students who are brave.

- Students whom are smart.

- Students who are blonde, rich

assholes.

- Students who are, well, oh.

Attention, students, it's time for sleep.

Go to sleep now!

But how does it end?

- It's all right, we'll finish some other time, goodnight.

- Or, how 'bout I finish it for him now?

Helga was so stupid, she couldn't come up with anything,

so they just gave her all the dumb kids, the Puffs.

The end.

- Worst slumber party ever.

- Megan?

You all right?

- I never wanted to be a Puff.

Every member of my family, Puffs,

we're like the Puff family.

But I've always known I was different.

There's nothing even special about Puffs.

You don't even have a thing.

Loyalty, being really nice,

a bunch of lame, awful failures

doomed to be stupid walking personality-less nobodies

that no one will ever care about ever?

My mom was a Puff, but she was different.

She became something bigger.

She made the name Jones finally mean something

other than a bunch of Puffs.

I thought, I knew,

I would be different too.

But after all my hard work to make myself not a Puff,

what do you know, the Hat puts me with the Puffs.

I did everything.

I mean, I even got rid of my accent

so I wouldn't sound like my Puff family.

Oh!

- It's not fair.

- Well, I, for one, am happy you were not kidnapped

by a mass murderer, or rescued.

- And I'd like to think you've at least met

two Puffs who are

kind of okay.

- Ha.

I guess, sort of!

Sorry to bring the mood down.

Sorry to make things so Sirius.

She's not coming here ever.

I feel the need to hug, don't tell anyone!

- I'm comin' in.

- Why are we hugging?

Wait, don't tell me, I'll figure it out.

- Hey, everyone, I'm sorry I was mean.

You're not stupid.

- That's okay, right?

Puff hug.

- Fine, Puff hug.

Yay, Puff hug!

Attention, students,

you're all safe, we think.

Don't forget, tomorrow, you have a field trip into town.

Have fun!

Field trip!

♪ Lift up your cups ♪

♪ When you're in town ♪

♪ If you're a Puff ♪

♪ Never put it down ♪

♪ Lift up your cups ♪

- Hey, guys,

that Sirius guy,

I hear he can turn into a flowery shrub.

It's true.

♪ Lift up your cups ♪

♪ When you're in town ♪

♪ If you're a ♪

- I heard a rumor that our new teacher is a were,

no, wait, a were--

- Aware of what?

♪ Take a potion drink, take a butter drink ♪

♪ Take a fire drink, take a pumpkin drink ♪

- Sorry!

Okay!

♪ Cheer for your team ♪

♪ Hard work ♪

I have flashbacks to my petrified days.

I never want to sleep again.

J. Finch has slept enough for a lifetime.

- I know how you feel.

Life is a nightmare.

Yeah!

- Guys, I don't know how I got out here.

Yay!

- Hey, to the Puffs, and to getting totally butterbuzzed!

Butterbuzzed!

- Wait, anyone know what place we're in

for the house cup this year?

- Do you even have to ask?

- Fourth place!

Fourth place!

Year three,

oh, my God, you are 13!

Concluded, now, we've been having a good time so far, right?

But I must warn you, fate, it's never kind to a hero,

but who does fate hate even more?

The side characters.

- Dear, Megan and Oliver,

so my Uncle Dave died.

It was sudden and weird,

weird because I don't think anyone really cared.

No one really knew him, I barely even did.

At the end, he was just some dead unimportant guy,

and I don't want that to happen to me.

I want to be a part of something big, something important,

at least once in my life.

Weird.

Wayne.

- Wayne, at least our fourth year is starting soon.

You can forget about death for a while.

Oliver.

- Yes, back to school, where nothing dangerous ever happens.

- Attention, students.

Same headmaster here.

This year, we're hosting two other wizard schools,

one with French people.

Bonjour.

Baguette!

- And the Dragostrang Institute.

They're all very intimidating and they break dance.

- I cannot be defeated.

If he dies, he dies.

- They're here to compete alongside one of you

in a very dangerous wizarding tournament.

Now, anyone wishing to participate,

please put your name in this cup.

We'll draw names on Halloween!

- Well, things only get more exciting in Year Four:

The Puffs and the Year They Mattered.

- It's Halloween, let's find out

who our competitors will be.

- Whoever it is, we're stuck focusing on them

for the entire year!

If this school's taught me anything,

we're gonna be disappointed.

Yeah.

- Ow, hot, fire!

Mr. Diggory!

Cedric, Cedric, Cedric!

- Oh, my gosh, this is it, the thing I've been waiting for!

This is our turn in the limelight!

This year is all about the Puffs,

and no one can take that from us!

- Ow, hot, fire again!

Mr. Potter.

Mr. Potter.

- Uh-oh, what did I get into this time?

- Harry!

Did you put your name in that little cup over there?

Did you?

I'm the definition of calm right now.

- Wait, never mind that.

We have a job to do.

We have to make sure the right winner wins.

Potter's had his turn.

Cedric is our champion!

Cedric!

- Great, let's go make some badges.

Badges!

- Wait, I'm president of Mug Studies club,

and I was wondering if you guys might want to join.

- No, I didn't, Ron!

Oh, is that what you think, Ron?

Well, fine, Ron.

I guess we're not friends, not anymore.

- Well, hey, I'm sure you two will be all right.

You know, it's whoa, calm down!

Okay, there's no need for you to be an asshole.

Hey, you can bloody hell yourself!

Geez, you really are the worst member of your family.

- Cedric, Cedric, Cedric! - Settle down, class,

settle down!

Now, today's lesson, curses that are not forgivable.

Trust me 'cause I am the ordinary, not fake, Moody.

Got it?

Yes, real Mr. Moody.

- Now, there's a curse where you control people.

Ooh!

- There's a curse where you hurt people.

Ah!

- And there's a curse that kills.

We call it the Green Light Curse, 'cause when you do it,

there's a bright green light.

Avada Kedabra!

Now, who wants to see me mess with some spiders?

- Ooh, me, me!

Ooh, Cedric!

Are you ready for the first task?

- I think I was born ready.

Bearspell!

- Cedric, are you nervous?

- I'll be nervous once it's over.

Erectio!

- Whoa, wow, what the?

- Yes, but Cedric, will you win?

- Repairo!

- He fixed these glasses I was holding.

Wow!

- Getting to compete against three great wizards

and learn all about other wizarding cultures?

I think I already won.

Aw!

- Cedric, I was wondering if maybe you had a minute?

- Sure.

I'll see you guys later.

- Bye, Cedric, you're the best.

- You're a wizard, Cedric!

Okay.

- Hi, Wayne. - Ooh, hi, hi, hi!

So I've been staying up all night, well, not all night,

but all night, and sort of researching past tournaments

to see what kinda creatures they might throw at you

for the first task.

- I definitely won't say no to help!

Give me a few of them.

- Okay, so in 1792, they had to catch cockatrices.

What would you do?

- I would

use magic!

Aviafors!

- You're not wrong.

What about an angry Vila?

- Walk up to her, gently move a strand of hair

behind her ear, take her hand,

and show her just why they call me Diggory.

Then use magic.

Cheerio!

- Awesome.

- Aviafors!

- Awesome.

Okay, so I must admit that I don't totally know

a lot about fantastic beasts,

or even where one might find them,

so I threw in some things that I thought might exist,

like a Balrog.

No, okay.

Or, ooh, Beholder!

Not real, sorry, okay.

Or Mr. Snuffleupagus?

- Can I see that?

Whoa, this is really in depth!

What ancient language is this?

Oh, modern English.

Right.

You mind if I hang on to this?

- Please, definitely, thanks for letting me help you.

- Thank me?

Thank you, aviafors!

If I manage to win this thing,

I'm telling everyone it was because of your help.

- Cool!

- Excuse me, Cedric, it's dragons, dragons!

Anything else you've prepared for, forget it.

Dragons!

- Thanks!

Hey, you guys should probably stop wearing those badges.

Harry, wait up!

I told them to stop wearing the badges!

- Dragons are on page 256!

They like to eat dogs, if that helps!

- Who is throwing all of these birds?

- I should get a good seat!

- And finally, it was time for the first task!

Oh, just listen to that crowd!

- Microphonus!

Ladies and gentlemen,

welcome to the 1994 Three Wizard Tournament!

Now,

are you

ready?

Then let's hear it for your first champion.

Weighing in at 12-1/4 inches, with the hair of a unicorn,

hailing from the quaint town of St. Catchpole,

he's a prefect in the streets, he's a seeker in the sheets,

put your hands together for this 6th Year, Mr. Diggory!

Cedric!

You'll have to obtain the golden egg on the field,

but in order to do so, first, you'll have to get past

this highly dangerous dragon!

It's time to begin!

Cedric, Cedric, he's our man!

If he can't do it, we'll still be happy we had this chance!

Go Cedric!

- Igneous canineitaro!

- He turned a rock into a dog, that's from my book!

He read my book!

Okay, go after the nice doggy,

eat the nice doggy!

- Cedric has turned a rock into an adorable barking puppy

to distract the dragon.

Oh, and the dragon has ripped the head off the dog

and there is now a dead dog on the field!

And the dragon has turned on Cedric, and Cedric is on fire.

Do not be confused by the tone of my voice.

He is literally on fire.

And he's got the egg!

♪ Third or nothin' ♪

Need I remind everyone

that there is still a dragon, right there.

Yay!

Yay!

- The results of the first task,

Cedric came in a very exciting second place.

Frenchy, she came in third.

Dragon, baguette!

Viktor tied for first.

- I must break you.

- And who did Viktor tie with?

- I did it, I got the golden egg.

Against all odds, I did it.

- And that, my friends, is the story of how four dragons

were tricked into believing one of their children

had been stolen from them.

Now that the highly dangerous first task was done,

the time had come for something truly terrifying,

a school dance.

- A school dance?

No, not going.

- We have to, to support Cedric.

- But a school dance.

- We have to find dates.

Who would want to go with us?

- I kind of have one person in mind.

Oh, go for it.

- Yeah, what's the worst that can happen?

- Ginny, would you like to go to the ball with me?

- Sure, Neville!

Oh, hi, Wayne.

- Yikes!

If it makes you feel better, that Longbottom kid,

he's ugly, and he'll probably stay ugly forever.

- While true, that still doesn't help me

find a date to this ball.

- Well, how about this?

Right now, forget nerves, forget her,

just ask the next person that you see.

- Okay.

- Hi!

- Leanne, Wayne here has a question.

- A question, what's that?

- It's what you just.

Wayne.

- Leanne, has anyone asked you to the ball yet?

- Just my imaginary friend, J. Finch Fletchley,

but I said no because he's imaginary.

- Well, would you like to go with me?

- Sure, I'll go get ready!

- It's still like a week a, okay.

Now you have to ask the next person you see.

Okay.

Megan, you definitely don't have a date, right?

- Not how I would have started this!

- Oh, we could go, you know, together?

- Better you than some other loser, I guess.

Better than Mr. Imaginary.

- J. Finch doesn't exist.

J. Finch can go wherever he wants.

I'm boyish and sassy.

- Anyway.

So we are people with dates.

Yeah, dates.

- I'm not.

I want to ask Cho, but I'm so embarrassed.

Bye, Wayne!

Don't leave me.

- Hey, over the summer,

I went to this crazy sports tournament,

and I got there by touching a boot!

Boots can take you anywhere.

Bye, Wayne.

Whee!

- Cedric, hey, congrats on the first task!

- Thanks, Wayne, up top! - Okay!

- So you got a date to the ball yet?

- No, I'm more preoccupied with figuring out

this golden egg.

I've done everything.

I tried opening it.

- That's it?

- It just screams, watch.

- Maybe it's a riddle.

I used to work through riddle books in the bathtub.

- A bathtub, would that really help?

- Diggory, use the bathtub!

Trust me!

- All right, bathtub it is!

Thanks, real Mr. Moody!

See you, Wayne.

- Cedric, I hear Cho might be interested

in going to the ball with you.

You should just ask her.

- Hmm, sure, why not?

Thanks, mate!

Ha, mate!

He might have asked her on his own.

Eventually.

I just helped.

I helped!

- Imagine a bathroom,

a fancy bathroom, the nice toilets, the decorative sinks,

a bathtub, an enormous bathtub,

a bathtub so big, you'd show your friends.

They'd be like, "I mean, yeah, it's a big tub.

"I don't know why I doubted you about the size of this tub.

"Why do we keep coming in here, Craig?"

You know, a bathroom.

Now, imagine a 17-year-old boy.

Yas!

Now, let's all watch this 17-year-old boy use the bathroom.

- Hello, bathtub!

Hello, Cedric!

- All right, tub, egg, show me your secrets!

Stop that dreadful racket.

Oh, hello, oh, hello!

- Hi, my name's Cedric.

You're Myrtle, right?

Oh, you know who I am?

- Say, you wouldn't have any ideas how to get this egg

to show me its secrets?

I was told a bath would help.

- Who told you that?

- This guy named Wayne.

You know how sometimes you meet someone

and you can just tell they're going to be great?

That's Wayne, loyal to a tee, a real Puff.

- Oh.

- I mean that in a good way.

- Oh, well, enough about him!

Let's talk about us here, alone,

Myrtle lonely, Cedric, Myrtle wants to moan.

- I'm going to go underwater now, bye!

♪ Mermaids ♪

♪ Steal your friends ♪

♪ Mermaids ♪

- I get it now!

- Mermaids. - Dragons again!

Mermaids!

Yes!

Thanks, Myrtle.

- Oh, anything for you, Cedric, you're so cool.

- Thanks.

Bye, bathtub!

Bye, Cedric!

- Goodbye, Cedric, think of me every time you see a toilet!

- Wait a minute, do you hear that sound?

It's British Christmas!

Happy Christmas, everyone!

Happy Christmas!

- Oh, thank you, everyone.

Now, after a day spent eating sweets and opening presents,

some of them containing, personalized sweaters.

He is so poor.

Anyway, it was time for the ball!

DJ!

- Well, look at everyone dancing.

You know, I've only ever been to one dance before.

It was with my mom.

It was normal, it was a mother-son dance.

Everyone was there with their moms.

- You're such a loser!

Do you want to-- - How about we--

- Oh, never mind. - Oh, never mind.

You look nice.

- Well, I tried, I actually tried.

This is your fault.

- Well, this year, it's been nice to, it's just,

this year, you've been yourself, and you are neat.

Real neato.

- Thank you.

Don't you dare tell anyone I accepted that compliment!

- I won't, ow.

- Should we just, let's, I'm not your mom, but--

- Oh, sure.

♪ A really short slow dance song ♪

- That was a really short slow dance song.

- Hey, everyone, let's show 'em how Puffs party!

Formation number seven!

Left!

Right!

Puffs!

Role call!

- Cedric! - Leanne!

- Megan!

- Close.

I'm off to bed!

Oh, I love it, I love it!

Ladies and gentlemen,

Squibs and Squabs, get ready for the eventful,

entertaining, visually exciting second task!

Your champions have one hour to find something

that has been lost in that lake.

Spoiler alert, it's their friends!

On your mark, get set, go!

- We're just starin' at a lake.

Just lookin' at a lake.

Oh!

Oh.

No.

I thought I saw something.

I did not.

- I swam in a lake once, but I got thirsty,

and I almost drowned.

A lake!

- One hour later, the results.

Frenchy failed horribly.

Followed by Viktor, who turned into a shark?

Very nice!

- I win for me.

For me!

- And while he should have gotten third place,

the judges decided to award Harry second 'cause he was nice

to French people.

- This time, in first overall, none other than--

Cedric!

Cedric, Cedric, Cedric!

- The third task was months away,

and everyone collectively remembered,

oh, yeah, this is a school, maybe we should study.

- Asio book!

Asio book!

Book come here!

Please.

I hate you, book, you are the worst book, you suck, book!

- Are we yelling at books, Wayne?

Hey, book, you're dumb!

That is fun.

- I was just trying to summon it.

- Year four, pretty difficult tests.

Asio book!

- Oh, yeah.

Hey, The Tragic Yet Rewarding History of the Puffs.

- You make it look so easy.

- Try again.

- Asio book!

You know what the best part

about being a Puff is,

besides being so close to the kitchens?

- That is really great.

- You fail

a lot.

You just fail and fail, you fail over here

and you fail over there, and then you fail a lot more.

But failure, Wayne, is just another form of practice,

as long as you never stop trying.

So,

try again!

- Asio book!

- Eventually, you get better.

You should hang on to that book.

It can help whenever you're feeling like,

like a failure.

It certainly helped me.

- I'll need it.

I suck at magic.

- How about this, to thank you for all your support,

once the third task is done,

I'll teach you everything I know!

- Really?

- I'd be happy to!

- We'll be just like wizard Batman and Robin!

- Bat

man.

- He's a sup,

it's from a thing.

- Which half is the bat? - Don't worry about it.

- I better get going.

See you around.

- Cedric.

Good luck on the third task.

- I'll be fine.

- Yes, yes, yes, take that, book!

- It was a warm June evening.

The third task was well underway and the crowd sat

with bated breath.

It had come down to two.

That night, one would become a champion, and the other,

the other would lose.

- Come on, it's been hours!

How hard is it to get through a maze?

- Very hard!

- Would anyone like to hear a riddle?

All right, all right, here it goes.

What has eight legs?

Ooh, it's a spider!

- Everyone, quiet, I want to be able to remember

the exact moment Cedric comes out of that maze.

- Wait, wait, why is he taking a nap?

- Wake up, Cedric, you're a winner!

We love you, Cedric!

- He's dead.

- Remember, if ever you must choose between something

that is easy and something that is right,

remember a kind, sweet, loyal boy,

and what happened to him as he crossed the path

of an evil man.

Remember Cedric.

- So a very eventful fourth year

came to an eventful conclusion.

Here, you in the front row, take these.

They are Puffs brand tissues.

You wipe away those tears.

You in the back, still sad forever.

But not to worry, everyone will rediscover

joy and happiness again soon in Year Five, oh, dear God!

The Puffs and the Year We Will Get Through Quickly.

- Oh, everyone, we're all still alive.

- Now, Ernie and me are prefects this year,

and the number one rule is

no being too sad. - Yeah.

- So how was everyone's summer?

- My aunt and I stared at the door, waiting,

waiting for the Dark Lord to arrive

to kill my aunt,

to kill me.

Death waits!

It stalks me!

I went to a water park.

- I'm just happy to be here with all of you,

my friends, feelings.

J. Finch approved.

- Oh, get in here, everyone.

- Stop hugging!

Welcome back, everybody.

Hi.

- Hi, shut up!

Just thought I'd offer some words of wisdom

to all the new Puffs joining us.

Guess what.

We suck!

We're the Puffs, we're just here to die!

There's no Chosen Puff hiding among us, and if there was,

they'd probably just die,

so enjoy your short, meaningless lives!

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, also,

apparently, we don't have to wear uniforms anymore.

You can just wear regular clothes.

Enjoy it while you can!

Okay.

- So he probably just needs more time.

- Yeah, I mean, how long can one person

be an angsty asshole?

- Nobody understands! - Nobody understands!

- Oh, hey.

- Oh, sorry, I'm in a bad mood.

My friends don't like it when I'm in a bad mood.

- So?

Friends are dumb.

And friends suck!

- Friends are dumb and they suck?

- Yeah, if you want to be a real dick all year,

then just be one!

- Yeah.

All right.

Thanks, Wayne.

- Oh, excuse me, um, uh, student.

Have you seen Harry?

I want to explain some facts about his past,

and why I've been avoiding him.

- Haven't seen him.

- Oh.

Well, I guess it'll wait till the end of the year.

- Asio book!

Emotions.

Secret meetings.

Even some of our Puffs were invited to join in.

- Oh, these AA meetings are great!

Albus's Army, the AA.

- We must learn to protect ourselves.

- I was just so happy to be included.

I am in the group, right?

- Oh, Harry's lookin' over this way.

We should practice our stunnin' spell.

- So I'm gonna go first, then you go.

- Hey, I got it.

- Okay, three, two, one.

Stupefy!

What happened?

I think we stunned each other!

- You mean we did the spell right?

Yay!

- And suddenly, it was May.

After some standardized testing, it was time to go home.

- Hey!

- How'd you do? - How'd you do?

Maybe okay. - Maybe okay.

Yeah, I think we actually made progress this year.

- Yeah, we should study together all the time.

- Okay, yeah, no.

But you know, what, I think we got through an entire year

without some sort of horrible event or tragedy.

It's like I almost feel safe.

♪ Baby ♪

- Hey!

Look,

I'm sorry I've been an angsty asshole this entire year.

Can we please go back to being friends?

- I'm coming in!

All right, everything's back to normal!

- Oh, no, He Whose Name We Can't Say is definitely back!

- Harry fought him!

Again!

Nobody is safe!

- Yup, back to normal.

- Amidst a state of national terror, year five was done.

The world was changing.

Nobody was safe, wandmakers, bridges, no one,

for the Dark Lord had returned!

- Excellent.

The bloodlines of wizardkind will be purified.

The muddy filth that has latched on to our race

shall be expunged.

And standing on the precipice,

as a shining example of power and might will be me.

Now,

my Death Buddies,

fetch me my broom!

Oh, we don't need brooms to fly anymore.

We just can.

My lord.

- Good to know.

For this information, you will be rewarded.

All right!

- With a show of affection.

Oh, crap!

From me.

Oh, no!

- Everyone, leave!

Okay!

- You!

Stay.

You still wish to go on your special excursion?

Yes, my lord.

- You will remain unseen, you will kill anyone

who gets in your way.

- I will, my lord.

- And if the girl should refuse--

- I know what I must do, my lord.

- Yes.

Welcome back,

Mrs. Jones.

- It looks like Megan's mother is on a mission

Puffs: The Mummy Returns.

- Astronomy. - Poor.

- Herbology. - Outstanding.

- Obviously, Herbology is awesome.

Defense? - Troll!

- Yikes.

- Wayne we gotta find you a lady friend.

- Yeah, well, we'll get right on that.

- You could date Susie Bones.

I hear she's single.

- My aunt was murdered!

Any second now, I'll be next.

- Maybe.

Look, as long as the school doesn't suddenly become

super sexual, I'll be fine.

- How wrong he was!

Webster's Dictionary defines snogging

as the act of kissing and caressing amorously.

- I get it, I get it, I get it!

Go find a classroom or something.

Ooh, a classroom!

I love to learn!

- Hey!

- Whoa, whoa, whoops!

- I've been thinkin' about something else anyway.

What?

- Maybe trying out for the sports team.

- What? - No way!

- I'm just thinkin' about it!

I've been so set on doing

some big wizard world-changing thing

that I haven't done any regular teenage stuff.

So this year, no adventures, no wizard shenanigans.

I'm just focused on dates and sports.

Yo!

What's up leaky assholes?

Yeah, Zach Smith in the house!

Hey!

I know you.

You're Turds McGee!

So you pie-eating sphincter goblins wanna play sports, aka:

♪ Meet some hot ladies ♪

Guys, I gotta tell you,

I had a crazy summer.

Strap in.

All right.

So my parents were like, "You gotta get a job, asshole."

And I was like, "All right."

So I went to go work at this newspaper

and I end up workin' my way up the ranks,

and I got on the wedding column, I got really good at it,

except I was going under a fake name.

Anyways, cut to, I go to this one wedding,

and there's this woman that's really intriguing to me

because I see her at all these weddings.

She's always the bridesmaid, never the bride.

So I'm there trying to get to know her,

and she's like, "Get outta here, loser."

But then on her end, she's secretly in love with her boss.

And then her sister comes to visit,

and then her sister and her boss fall in love

and get engaged, so I get picked to write a story

about their engagement.

So then I get to meet her and I'm like,

"I want to probe you and your story

"while I write the story about your sister and your boss."

Anyways, at one point, I go over to her apartment,

and we do this montage of her trying all these dresses.

It's just wonderful.

And then eventually, we go on this big,

like, little road trip for her sister's wedding.

We get stuck 'cause of the car and there's rain,

and we go into this bar and we get drunk,

and then we dance on the bar, you know,

to Elton John's Benny and the Jets and everything.

And then we sit down, in our drunken mood,

I admit to her that I do enjoy weddings,

and I'm really sappy.

And when she's like, "What's your favorite moment?"

I was like, "My favorite moment

"is when everybody's actually looking at the bride,

"I'm looking at the groom because that's when you get to see

"what he's getting himself into and if he's really happy,

"and it's really sweet."

And then I admit to her that I cried

at one of my famous weddings that I wrote about,

and we hook up, it's awesome.

Cut to, my editor releases the story that I wrote about her

that I didn't want to get released,

because I realize there's more to her.

She finds out, she's like, "Bye, ya basic."

So she throws me away.

On the other end, she goes to her sister's engagement,

chose this, like, little slideshow

of all the things that her sister really is,

and just ends that engagement.

Anyways, fast forward again, I'm sorry,

I gotta cut for time, so we go fast forward,

and then she's like hangin' out with her boss,

and she, like, kisses him, and she goes,

"I'm not in love with you, I'm in love with this guy," me.

So then she tracks me down on this wedding

that's on this boat, jumps on to it, makes it,

goes and makes this big speech, and confesses her love.

And I was like, "I'm in love with you too."

We get together, it's fantastic.

Cut to our wedding on a beach,

Ed Burns is there, that's cool.

And we have this big wedding,

and she has all of the brides that she was a bridesmaid of

at our wedding, they're her bridesmaids,

and they're all in their dresses that they made her wear,

all 27 of them.

Yeah.

On our honeymoon though, I was like,

"Hey, I should let you know I'm a teenage boy and a wizard,

"and I have to go back to school."

Mind erase.

So, that was my crazy summer!

All right, let's start these tryouts!

All right, that's enough!

Give me that, yoink!

These tryouts are over, and guess what, you,

you made the team. - Really?

- Nope, loser, ha-ha!

I got you, you just got got!

The rest of you, you definitely made the team!

Really?

- Nope, losers, ha-ha!

You're all happy, and now you're sad,

sad like I was when I had to leave her

'cause I was really in love with her.

This is a one-man team!

Zach Smith!

- Wayne!

Wayne, um, hi!

I thought you played pretty nice out there.

- Oh, you know, it's like whatever.

- I do know, I go to this school.

Um, okay.

Cool!

Bye.

- Sally.

- Huh?

- Would you like to go out on a date some time?

- Sure.

All right, date,

with a girl.

Oh, no!

A date with a girl!

- Oliver, where the frig are you?

"Meet me at the third floor corridor,

"formerly out of bounds for anyone who didn't want to die

"a super painful death."

Geez, remember that?

This school, dangerous for children.

Oliver!

The boy won't be joining you, I'm afraid.

- I'm sorry, who are you?

- It's me, Megan, your mother, imperion!

And I think you'll be coming with me, darling.

Beat you!

- Yeah, you can run just as fast as you said.

What?

Oh.

Okay.

♪ Ride that centaur, ride that centaur ♪

♪ Ride that centaur ♪

- Wait, aren't there security measures

against intermingling?

- Oh, only for the other houses.

Oh, they didn't think it was necessary for the Puffs.

Probably the same reason why we don't even get

the special teenage magic talk.

- Wait, you mean magic sex ed?

Who teaches magic sex ed?

- Lily.

- So, want to come upstairs?

Uh, sure.

- Oh, my, let's check in on how Megan and Oliver

are faring, shall we?

Spoiler alert, much worse.

- Megan, what's going on?

- It's my mom, she's out of Wiz Priz,

and she's just as badass as I always believed!

- I think we're in danger, she took my wand!

- Ooh, she stole my wand too!

Hide, hide!

Wayne, Wayne!

- I'm not running from a sexual experience.

I'm sorry, did I interrupt a weird thing?

- Hello, children.

Oh, look, another one.

Hello there.

Ow.

- Megan, dear, it has been such a long time.

- Um, hi, wow, oh, boy!

Can I just say that I've dreamed of this moment

for, like, ever, and you're actually here, and I'm,

hi, I'm Megan, your daughter, and a fan.

- Why, thank you.

Dear, a thought.

Now that I'm free, perhaps it is time

for me to take you away, just the two of us.

- That's pretty much all I ever wanted!

- Oh, good!

But oh, no!

There is a problem.

You know, I've been watching you, Megan.

These two are your friends?

Why?

- Oh, I am disappointed, Megan, disappointed in you.

- What, what'd I do?

- Oh, nothing, Meagan, you did nothing.

I mean, I come all this way and what is it I see

standing before me?

I see a Puff.

- No.

That's all you are, isn't it?

- Stop! - You're just another Puff.

- No! - Yes!

You're nothing like me.

How disappointing.

- I am not a Puff!

- Oh?

Good.

Prove it.

I want you to hurt them,

torture them,

kill them, maybe.

Prove to me that you are my daughter.

Go on, do it.

And then we can leave, just us,

just like you always wanted.

I...

I won't.

- You disappoint me again!

Fine!

I will do what I must!

Avada Kebaba!

Avada Kedoober!

Abra Kabra!

Brah!

No, okay.

- I'm sorry, have you done this before?

- Oh, I have done it, maybe.

Don't look at me like that.

The Dark Lord himself recruited me.

Here, let me show you that fateful day.

Flashbackios to October 1981.

It's 1981,

and you're at the Dark Lord's Blood Boogie Dance Jam.

If you love the Dark Lord, say yeah.

Yeah.

- Let me join your evil army, please, please.

- Fine.

- Wow, free tattoo, awesome.

- Whoa, that lady looks evil!

And that's what we should all think about her.

- Yeah.

- Great.

Now I'm off to kill a baby.

- Flashback managed.

See, I'm awesome!

Now avada releasio!

Oh, um, so what I've done there is I have let you go.

- Oh, my Wizard God, you're just a Puff!

- Hi, never!

- You're just a Puff!

No, I, avada ke.

Dammit.

No, look, Puffs are lame, failures,

a bunch of dumb, stupid--

- Failures!

And that's the best thing about being a Puff,

besides being so close to the kitchens!

- What? - Huh?

- Follow me here, the Puffs are actually awesome,

and always have been!

We're the Mighty Ducks of wizards!

No, the Mighty Ducks 2 of wizards!

Cedric knew it, and maybe even Helga knew it

when she was picking students.

- We never got to finish that story.

- Maybe we can now.

Asio book!

Asio book!

- Wayne--

- Asio book!

- Oh, yeah.

- Great, The Tragic Yet Rewarding History of the Puffs.

Okay, the time came for the founders to pick students.

Students who are brave!

Students whom are smart!

Students who speak like they're always

about to throw a glass of white wine in your face.

- Students who are, well, oh.

I'll take the rest of them,

because as long as they're willing to work hard,

everyone should have a place here.

Sure, their skill levels will be all over the place,

but that's okay, there's always room to improve.

This is a school, right?

So yes, being brave, or smart,

or snakes is great,

but why be one thing when you can be everything else?

Yes?

Yes.

Now, where did my cup get off to?

- So you see, Megan's mom, I agree with you.

The Puffs are failures.

We'll try and fight you and we'll probably fail.

We'll fail big time.

We'll fail so hard--

- Wayne I don't know where this is going.

- No, you can't fight me.

I have all these wands, so.

- But eventually, we get better.

Asio wand, wand, wand!

- Wait, one of those is mine!

No, no, no, no, no, this can't be happening.

You're all just a bunch of stupid Puffs.

- Oh, yeah? - Yeah.

- Aviafors!

- Go back to What's His Name That We Try Not to Say, Mom!

Get out of here.

- You've not seen the last of me, children!

I will be back!

- Oh, we did it, we defeated an evil wizard!

- Hey, everyone's gonna hear about this!

- Megan,

you all right?

- That was a lot to take in.

- I'm comin' in.

Whoa, weird mirror.

- Yes, the very same mirror stood, its purpose unchanged,

to show the greatest desire of the onlooker's heart.

But that's the funny thing about desires, they change.

And whereas once these three saw images of grandeur,

or life-long fantasies, now, our trio just saw this:

three friends together.

And one of them had a lightsaber.

Aw, taking their life-threatening experience

and true test of friendship to heart,

our trio spent the remainder of a relatively calm year

to really practice their magic.

- Three-- - Two--

- One.

Repairo!

- All right, we all fixed these glasses I was holding.

I think we've officially done it, we've mastered all spells

up to grade three.

- Hey, unrelated, has there always been

a giant skull in the sky?

- Nah, that can mean anything.

The headmaster is dead!

- For some, the death of the headmaster came as a shock.

For others, it was proof that evil had finally triumphed.

And for everyone, it meant one very impressively

thrown together funeral.

Summer arrived.

Fearing the interception of their letters,

our trio decided to try

another magical means of communication.

- Dear, Megan and Oliver,

thanks for using AOL Instant Messenger.

I think it will significantly speed up communication.

NotAWizard1997.

- Good idea, definitely safer,

MathMagician314159.

What is this?

PurplePrincess2000.

- Okay, any updates?

I hear things are getting pretty bad out there.

- Shit is getting dark.

The rumor is that the ministry's

starting to go after Mug Borns.

- It's true, and it means I won't be going back to school.

- What? - I have to go on the run.

To protect my family, I wiped their memories.

Well, I tried to.

I instead turned their heads into oranges,

which I guess will have to do.

Megan, you are the world to me.

Wayne, you are too.

Try not to get into too much trouble.

- Year seven, who lives, who dies?

What crazy new characters join us?

Find out in The Final Year:

The Puffs and the Time Harry Came Back

and Caused a War at School.

- So this year's been interesting.

- Yeah, they've thrown any attempt

at giving us an education out the window, I think.

Yesterday, in Defense class,

they just tortured a kid for three hours.

- Hello, Master Wayne Hopkinses.

Master Megan Joneses.

It's me, Bippy!

Your little house elf friend.

♪ Oh, I am Bippy and I'm your best friend ♪

♪ We're gonna be together to the very end ♪

♪ We're always going on adventures ♪

♪ You're both wizards, and Bippy's indentured ♪

- Bippy, we have a job for you.

We need you to to run.

Just keep running until we tell you to stop.

- Bippy is happy to do it.

Magic exit!

- Oliver's so lucky,

he doesn't have to deal with any of this.

- Have you heard from him?

- No.

I'm sure he's fine.

- Yeah.

- On the bright side, Potter was the cause

of most of our problems, so as long as he stays gone--

- Harry's back!

- He's here to start a revolution!

- He went camping!

To the Great Hall!

- Hello, everyone, it's me, Harry!

Hi!

- Oh, how nice!

I don't know if you remember me,

I used to go to school here.

- Is this thing on?

Your efforts are futile.

I do not want to kill you.

Give me Potter,

and you will be rewarded.

You have until midnight,

night,

night,

night.

That went well, I think.

So we've got until midnight.

Anyone bring any board games?

Or snacks?

What do you mean I'm still talking into the megaphone?

Huh?

Oh!

Bring me Harry,

Harry,

Harry.

Harry!

- Okay, I'm having trouble reading the room.

We want to give him up, right?

- And in that moment, a Snake girl cried out, "Grab him!

And the Puffs reacted accordingly.

- Okay, I see what we're doing.

- And upon being told to leave the Great Hall

for evacuation, it was a Puff who stood up first.

- What if we want to stay and fight?

- Before we rush into anything,

can we get just, like, one minute?

- All right, I'm off to find a tiara.

- Okay, everyone, this is dangerous, we all might die.

Anyone who stays needs to understand that.

- But why would they need us?

Everyone says we're the worst in the school.

- I don't think they'd want the stupid people to fight.

- Yeah, J. Finch is only good at Herbology,

which, duh, is the best.

Yeah.

- I'll most definitely die if I fight.

- It would be easier to just leave.

- No!

I don't want to leave!

Why is everyone always so down on us?

I won't stand for it anymore!

And I won't sit for it either!

And I also won't stand on one leg because I can't, watch!

Anyways, look in your hand!

You have a wand, unless you looked in your other hand!

Look at yourselves!

Hannah, you used to be so awkward, and you still are,

but we don't mind anymore.

Who's that?

It's Ernie Mac and he is basically the best.

And Sally, remember when you did that thing?

- I do. - It was amazing!

And Susie, we all thought you'd be dead by now,

and look at you standing there alive!

Wayne, you give the best talks.

And Megan, you give better hugs than you think you do!

And J. Finch, he's imaginary and he can do magic!

We all can, we're wizards!

Sure, it'd be easy to leave, but wouldn't it be wrong?

We should do what's right, like Cedric.

I'm a Puff and I'm staying because if we don't fight now,

we may never find out how that hat talks!

- I'm a Puff and I'm staying.

- I'm a Puff and I'm staying.

I'm a Puff, I'm staying.

- We might die!

Are we all willing to die for Harry?

- We won't die for Harry.

We'll die for each other.

I'm a Puff and I'm staying.

- I'll stay.

And I'm a Puff.

- What was that? - Come again?

- And I'm a Puff!

Look, my socks don't match.

Yeah.

- I struggle with reading.

Yeah.

- I was secretly a member of the Frog Choir!

What?

- I'm a Puff!

Hi!

- Hi!

- All right, we're gonna fight alongside

the Braves and the Smarts, and well, not the Snakes,

because they've officially been acknowledged as evil.

Then we sure as hell better make sure we take out

more bad guys than them.

- So then, third or nothin'.

- No,

first or nothin'.

First or nothing!

- No, okay, we're not doing it.

- No, no, I give up, I give up!

Jiggly legs!

Get it, I was bullying you!

- Puff on this!

Yipee-ki-yay, motherPuffer!

- Rickmansepra!

- Locomotor Legs!

- Tarantula Jelly!

- Yay, Harry!

- Surprise, buttholes!

- Take that, and that, and that, and that!

Zach Smith came back to school.

Zach Smith forever!

- If only we could hit them from this distance.

- It's impossible, you gotta know the exact angle

to aim your wand, there's no way to figure that out.

- Sounds like you could use a protractor!

Oliver!

- I heard about the battle.

There are so many secret passages into this school,

it is dangerous for children!

But you gotta hit those things over there?

- Yeah. - Okay,

time to see a real math magician at work!

♪ Math ♪

How's that coming along?

Because quickly would be great.

- A little left, right, left, there, good to go!

- Eat slugs!

- All right! - Yes.

Very nice.

Hello, children.

- You two go, I'll handle this.

Hello, Mom.

- Megan, I'm not here for pleasantries.

I'm just here to finish unfinished business.

- Avada Skadoo!

Dammit!

- Okay, seriously, it's two words, avada kedabra,

avada kedabra, it's simple.

- Oh, is it?

Is it simple?

Well, avada kedabra.

Oh, my Wizard God, it's that easy?

Why is it so easy?

You just say two words and, you know, I'm okay, I'm good.

I'm all right, I'm okay.

- Someone has to tell his evil wife and kids.

- Oh, now it feels worse!

- Mom, that's what your friends do to everyone.

- Well, I don't like the way it feels, I just,

oh, god,

I'm a Puff.

Oh, I get it, I'm a Puff.

Oh, who would have thought the people in the hoods

and the masks would be so in the wrong?

Fine, go ahead, kill me, the fate a murderer deserves.

- Yeah, so considering the one person you killed

was evil, I don't think you'll get in too much trouble.

Just say you were, like, a secret spy, or something.

- Aww!

- Avada Kedabra! - Stupefy!

Mom!

- You take this.

If we make it out of here,

I owe you so many birthday presents.

- If you're imaginary, how come the bad people can see you?

- They must have special glasses or something!

- Then how come I can see you?

You must be special.

- Stupefy!

- Looks like he had a side of Mac and Finch.

- Mummy and Daddy were right about you, Leslie.

- Puffs Emergency Formation number 10!

- You okay?

- I think so.

Oh, fine.

Ha, there, Sally's suited up,

and she's finally ready to kick--

- Avada kedabra!

- Extermios!

Existentio crisis!

Not today!

- Susie, quick, there's too many of 'em.

We're regroupin' in the common room.

- Avada kedabra! - No!

- They're everywhere, regroup in the basement,

and stay alive!

- Hello?

Where did everybody go?

Did we win?

Oh, no.

Comprendo, stupefy, Rickmansempra,

eat slugs,.

Expellidermus!

- Impedimenty!

I did it!

- Avada kedabra!

- It's almost over, we just gotta hold out a little longer!

- You will not hurt Master Megan--

- Slashios!

- Bippy

has done a good job, yes?

I am forever grateful for all the time we spent together!

♪ I am Bippy ♪

- Just remember Bippy

as someone who's been here this whole time.

♪ I was Bippy ♪

♪ I wa ♪

- Who the fuck was that?

- Guys, this is crazy.

- We're fighting in a war!

- This is a lot for 18-year-olds to handle.

- You think this is how Potter feels all the time?

It sucks.

- Oh, excuse me!

- Avada kedabra!

Wayne!

- What, what, where am I, where am I?

- Not Harry.

Um,

I want to say Wayne?

- Headmaster, but you're...

Am I--

- I'm afraid that must be the case.

- Oh.

Where are we?

- To be honest, I'm not sure.

It's more of a thing for Harry.

- Of course it is.

Headmaster, this is so unfair!

I just watched some of my friends die, and now me?

What was even the point?

I won't be remembered for anything.

No one will know my name, I'm just some unnamed dead kid

at a school battle.

Potter's battle.

He gets to be the hero.

He gets everything I ever wanted.

Why did I have to be so unimportant?

- Wayne, it's easy to feel as if you're only

a secondary character in someone else's grand story.

But that does not mean, however,

that there's not another story out there

that's all about you,

Where you're the most important person

in the entire world,

the hero.

Now, we're all important, Wayne,

and we're all unimportant.

We're all heroes in some way, to someone.

As for your story, I think it was pretty cool.

- So there's not some big surprise

and I'm gonna open my eyes right where I died--

- I'm afraid not.

- I was finally good at magic.

- There's only one kind of magic any of us need, Wayne,

some magic that will let you live on.

It's the greatest magic there is.

Love.

And on that note, um,

I really hate to do this,

but I am expecting someone.

- Oh.

- So, you know, if you could-- - Oh, yeah, right, okay.

- Possibly.

- Headmaster, just one more thing.

Did I really spend seven years at wizard school

to find out you believe love is the greatest magic there is?

- Yes.

See for yourself.

- Huh.

Okay.

- Wow!

A train station.

Oh, I'm dead.

Yay!

- And that is how Wayne Hopkins, student, died.

You probably know the rest of the story.

The Boy Who Lived lived again, he vanquished evil--

- Expellidermus!

No!

- But now, at least, you know a slightly different story,

the story of the Puffs.

You know, I think eventually,

we all find that little part of us, the Puff.

You know, maybe it's there in the moments

where you lose your keys, or momentarily forget

how old you are, or maybe it's that part of you

that works hard, the part that remains loyal and true,

despite whatever terrifying monsters are thrown your way,

the part that plays fair, even when life is anything but.

Maybe there's a Puff there.

Now, one last question.

Where do I fit in to all this?

Well, you'll get that answer in our obligatory segment,

Nineteen Years Later.

- Now, remember, what's our number one rule?

No time traveling.

- That's my boy, young Scorpius!

- Holy shit, Megan, you are never going to believe

what Potter named his new kid!

- Wait, where's Wayne?

- Oh, I thought you had him.

- Not this again, did we leave him at my mom's?

- Mm-mm.

Wayne!

Wayne!

- Mum, Dad!

Mum, Dad.

I'm scared to go to school.

- I'll be honest with you, Wayne, you should be.

When I was there, if it wasn't an evil teacher,

it was a giant snake, or soul-sucking security guards.

One year, there was a sports tournament.

Someone died.

Oh, you'll be fine.

Just remember, through it all,

no matter if you're a Brave, a Smart,

students who always speak like they're about to throw

a glass of white wine in your face,

or a Puff, don't worry about it too much.

It's just what some hat thinks.

- And hey, Wayne, what's three times four?

- I don't know.

- Yeah, well, don't worry about that either!

There's no math class.

Yeah, not still bitter about that.

Just worry about the wizarding.

- But what if I'm bad at being a wizard?

- Oh, son, you are named after someone

who started out as one of the worst wizards ever.

Now, you've got a train to catch.

- Ooh, I like trains!

Ew, Mum, gross!

- Okay, you ready for this?

New kid name, Albus Severus.

- Oh, I can beat it, Scorpius.

- No, man, these people have no idea how to name children.

Ooh, have you seen Potter?

That new ministry job he's got has him so overworked.

I feel bad for the guy.

- What?

- I feel bad for his family, his youngest kid.

It's like he's cursed, he is a Cursed Child.

Parts one and two.

Now playing internationally.

- What are you talking about?

- I don't know, I'm tired!

Hey, what house do you think he'll get sorted into?

- I have a pretty good idea.

♪ Lift up your cups ♪

♪ When you're in town ♪

♪ If you're a Puff ♪

♪ Never put it down ♪

♪ Lift up your cups ♪

♪ If you're a Puff ♪

♪ Yeah, you work hard ♪

♪ Don't let them put you down ♪

♪ Lift up your cups ♪

♪ If you're in town ♪

♪ If you're a Puff ♪

♪ Never put it down ♪

♪ Lift up your cups ♪

♪ If you're a Puff ♪

♪ Yeah, you work hard ♪

♪ Don't let them put you down ♪

♪ Take a potion drink, take a butter drink ♪

♪ Take a fire drink, take a pumpkin drink ♪

♪ Take a butter drink, it's a field trip ♪

♪ Take a butter drink, take a butter drink ♪

♪ Ooh, loyalty ♪

♪ Hard work ♪

♪ Other things ♪

Yo!

What's up, buttholes?

Yeah, Zach Smith in the house!

Hey!

I know you!

♪ Lift up your cups ♪

You're Turds McGee!

Burn!

So you dorks want to play sports, aka:

♪ Meet some hot ladies! ♪

Ow!

Speakin' of meeting hot ladies, I'm in love.

Yeah, she's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen.

Only problem is she's a mermaid.

I was wanderin' around drunk one time on that bridge,

I looked in the lake, and I saw her, Aquafina.

I go there and I visit her and I throw her treats.

But she's been telling me that her home has been messed up

because people have been littering in the lake!

And I know who it is.

It's this jerk!

Yeah, you're always throwing

your Mountain Dew bottles in there, Code Red, or whatever.

Who even drinks that stuff?

Hey, man, that's her home!

We have recycling bins!

We don't care that we're a magic school, we still recycle!

What if I went over there and pissed all over your house?

Yeah, exactly.

Respect!

All right, let's start these tryouts!

All right, that's enough, give me that, yoink!

I'm gonna go take a dump in your living room.

All right!

These tryouts are over, and guess what.

You,

you made the team.

- Really? - Nope, loser!

Ha-ha, I got you!

You just got got!

The rest of you, you definitely made the team!

- Really? - Nope, losers!

Ha-ha, look at you, you're all happy, and now you're sad,

sad, just like Aquafina is 'cause her home is destroyed

'cause of this jerk!

This is a one-man team, Zach Smith!

Yo!

What's up, buttholes?

Yeah, Zach Smith in the house!

Parkour!

I know you.

You're Turds McGee!

Burn!

So you, dorks want to play sports, aka:

♪ Meet some hot ladies ♪

Yow, parkour!

That's right!

Not only do I run these tryouts and sports,

I'm a trained parkour artist,

and I know how to do dance fighting, Capoeira.

Parkour!

All right, let's start these tryouts.

All right, that's enough!

Give me that, yoink!

These tryouts are over, and guess what,

you,

you made the team. - Really?

- Nope, loser, I got you!

You just got

got, ha-ha!

The rest of you, you definitely made the team.

- Really? - Nope, losers, ha-ha!

Now you're all happy, now you're sad,

just like I am 'cause I'm out of breath.

All right, this is a one-man team!

Zach Smith!

Parkour!

- Pay attention.

Sometimes, when a, um,

wizard loves a witch very, very much...

Ask your parents.

The birds,

the bees.

Lily.

- Hey!

Do you want to see my invisibility cloak?

I use it to sneak around the school

and break all sorts of rules.

Sometimes I steal books, and hey, Wayne,

it fits two.

Wink, wink.

Wink, wink, wink.

Bye, Wayne.

♪ My name is Harry and I'm invisible ♪

Hey!

Do you remember in year two,

when that teacher got rid of all of my bones?

My arm looked like this.

Now I have new bones, new bones!

Bye, Wayne.

Hey, Cedric, love your bones.