Original subtitles

- ♪ MTV ♪

- Coach Stefanski said we're a shoe-in to win district,

as long as no one gets COVID or an STD.

- Honey, I just finished that off.

Is there more?

Shelly? Shelly?

- Oh, yes, of course.

- Feeling overwhelmed,

like you just need a little help to get through the day?

[soft music]

- Hey, I heard pills.

Everything okay?

- When your pill habit gets in the way of your regular life,

isn't it time to say enough?

[pills rattling]

- [grunts]

What's going on?

Pills?

- No, just watching a Brené Brown Ted Talk

and masturbating.

- Mom, you're scaring me.

- It doesn't have to be this way.

There's help.

The abuse of prescription drugs has grown exponentially

the past few years, particularly among women

because of the pandemic and "Euphoria."

But now there's Silent Release,

a prescription bottle made entirely of felt.

And not only is the bottle quiet,

the pills are coated in marshmallow.

So there are no telltale noises to give away

your precious, sacred secret.

You take lots of loud-ass pills.

Soft on the outside,

so you can feel soft on the inside

of your brain.

You deserve to feel exactly how you need to feel

just to get through this endless crawl

of a day and pointless garbage existence

that's wasted on you.

Silent Release,

if a pill falls in a felt bottle

and you don't hear it, were you ever sad?

♪ ♪

- Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!

- Ma'am? - [laughs]

- Ma'am, you doing okay?

- I'm in a commercial.

- Oh. - [laughs]

- You taken anything today?

- I'll never tell.

- Who are you talking to?

- Get in this ball pit, girl. [laughs]

- Okay, thank you, oh.

[upbeat spacey music]

♪ ♪

- Big pharma has made billions getting Americans

hooked on opioids, and hopefully,

one of them sees this and is like, oh, cool.

Here's a way we can make even more money.

♪ ♪

- Tonight on "Married a Monster,"

it was a storybook romance

that turned into a MacBook nightmare.

- I wish I would have done more.

I wish I would have said more.

- Little did Amy know that her seemingly perfect husband,

Jeff, was harboring a dark secret.

- I heard about this happening to other women,

and I thought they were pathetic.

Like, that could never happen to me.

- I came home from work early because it

was someone's birthday at the office,

and those make me uncomfortable.

And I caught him red-handed at his laptop.

He just looked up at me and said,

like it was nothing...

- Hey, babe.

Bitcoin is up 4%.

- And that was the moment my whole world fell apart.

- Oh, God, oh, no.

- And I knew that he was into crypto.

- Every day, thousands of women across the globe

find out their husband is, like, really into crypto.

Just, like, way too into it.

Amy found herself just another part

of this gruesome statistic.

- At first, it wasn't so bad.

He would just find ways to wedge Dogecoin

into the conversation.

But then pretty soon, he was saying things like,

be your own bank, or when Lambo, or TLT.

- Think long-term.

- I mean, I always suspected Jeff was a bit off.

On their first date, he took her to see 21 Pilots.

But never in a million years did

I think he would subject her to a rant about the blockchain

every ten minutes.

- Things finally came to a head on date night.

- Ethereum actually has a lot more utility

than Bitcoin, which is just a store of value.

But Ethereum does face some real competition

from Cardano, Tezos, Solana.

And what that means is...

- By the time he used DeFi

as an abbreviation for decentralized finance,

I knew that I had married a monster.

- Hey, babe. Have you seen my Nano?

My cowallet?

Candlesticks are going crazy right now,

and my MetaMask is offline, so--

- No. - Oh, shit.

Cardano is going to the moon.

HODL! [laughs]

I don't see what the big deal is.

Crypto paid for this house.

- But at what cost, Jeff?

At what cost?

- About 7,100 tron, which is a total shit coin,

but that was just a degen play,

and I only sold it because of FUD.

- Fear, uncertainty, and doubt.

- Help me.

- The final straw came when Amy went into the attic

to find her November pants and found something

that will haunt her nightmares forever,

a homemade server farm for mining crypto coin.

- No, no, no!

- I'm just grateful we never had kids.

- We have two kids.

- Mommy! - Mommy, Mommy!

- I'm thinking about putting their college fund

into some NFTs, maybe a few CryptoPunks.

both: Mommy, Mommy!

- [wails]

- Next time on "Married a Monster"...

- I walked up the stairs to our bedroom,

and he was there doing it.

He was reading Elon Musk's autobiography.

- My good friend, Rachel Feinstein,

is married to a firefighter.

- All firefighters love crypto and "kesh."

That's how they pronounce cash.

And for some reason, they only trust

the most visible and invisible forms of money.

[upbeat spacy music]

- Well, Amy, thanks for coming in.

You know, since your mom and dad's estate

passed control of their large stock portfolio over to you,

I thought we could walk through it together.

- Yeah, absolutely.

And if I could, I just want to preface this.

I would love to just say that my parents

were a little old-school.

- Mm.

- You know, I just-- and I don't want

to say anything bad about anyone

who just died in a fire.

But we just didn't really see the world in the same way.

So yeah, as I said in my email, I just--

I would love to invest in companies

that are a little more ethical, sustainable, you know?

- Mm-hmm.

- And I just have to say that I would

love if my parents' money could be a force for good.

- Absolutely, absolutely.

We can divest from those industries.

- Good, great. - No problem.

- I can sleep at night. - Yeah.

Of course, doing so will be less profitable.

- Oh my gosh, I get that. Of course.

Yeah, but you can't really put a price

on doing the right thing.

- Mm-hmm. - You know?

It's like the future of humanity

is literally in the balance, so...

- Mm. - Yeah.

Mm.

But when you say less profitable, like,

how much less profitable are we talking about?

- Well, the portfolio was set up to support you comfortably

into the foreseeable future.

- Yeah.

- So if we cut out the traditional industries

and go heavy into renewables,

you may have to supplement the income.

- Of course, and what do you mean by supplement?

Like, supplement how?

- Well, presumably by getting a job.

- Yeah.

Me getting a job?

- Well, yeah, you.

- Okay, okay, yeah.

- You got it?

- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

You know what?

I feel like maybe I was being a little harsh.

I came in here on my high horse.

Maybe I should just kind of settle down a little bit.

Let me just look at the list of the things

that I said I wanted to get out of because I don't even--

fracking.

I know I said I don't want to invest in fracking,

but what even is-- what even is fracking really?

What is it? - Right.

Fracking is the process where oil companies extract oil

and gas by injecting liquid at high pressure

into subterranean rock.

- Yeah, you know what? Enough said, I'm sold.

So take fracking off the shit list

because I'd like to frack.

I'd like to frack on.

- Very well.

- And so does that sort of get me back to a place

where I wouldn't have to work?

- No, not even close.

- Okay, opioids.

I know I said I wanted to move away from opioids,

but you know what, I feel like, you know,

the Sacklers apologized, right?

If we're looking at this in a glass half-full kind of way,

they said they were sorry.

They took their names off of libraries and all that.

So it's like they're kind of back on the right side

of history, right?

So opioids are probably... [clicks tongue]

Okay? - Mm-hmm.

So it feels like, maybe take a beat,

leave things as is.

- Yeah, but you know what?

Now that we're really getting into this,

I feel like maybe my parents didn't go far enough.

Like, they were pretty, you know, conservative.

I mean, what did they really even know?

It's like they died in that fire that I didn't start.

So I think that we should try to make

as much money as possible as quickly as possible.

You know, so I can, like, live, you know, and not have to be,

like, working or whatever you mentioned

because I really can't, really can't.

- Well, yeah, there's high risk,

high reward companies that we could definitely look at.

- Yes, this is what I'm talking about,

like Elon Musk's, like, the monkey thing

where they "Terminator" your brain or whatever.

- Neuralink, yeah, I mean, that's a moonshot, for sure,

giving the human brain a digital interface.

And he's definitely a high-growth guy.

But I don't know how comfortable you are.

There have been allegations of harassment.

- But you know, you don't get to Mars

by being everybody's friend, right?

You know, there's no rapists or racists on Pluto.

So let's go there.

- [laughs]

Nobody's going to Pluto, but I get your point

about the space rape.

- Okay, now what's the thing where--

where's the place where the women are all, like,

superhot, and they're, like, really good at vodka?

- Are you talking about Russia? - Yes, Russia.

I'd like to get involved

in those state-sponsored troll farms.

Is that something that we could maybe

get our foot in the door, you know?

- Those aren't really businesses.

That's a disinformation campaign largely aimed

at Western democracies.

So aiding that would be criminal at best

and most likely treasonous.

- I feel like you're giving me a yellow light on this one.

- No, no, no. - Yeah!

- No, no, no. - You are!

Let's just keep our eye on it, you know?

Let's be open to that, all right?

Let's not, you know, be like my parents,

burned to a crisp, making conservative decisions.

I like that. - Done.

- And just slide into my DMs with any sort of ideas

about how I can be my generation's Mother Teresa,

you know, other than the ways I'm already doing it.

So well, I think we got a plan.

If you need anything, I'll be at H&H.

That last scene was just documentary footage

from my life.

- We just put a camera in the room with Amy

and her portfolio manager, and we left.

I'm seeing this for the first time just like you.

[upbeat spacey music]

- Welcome, Kloopr shareholders,

to our annual meeting.

Please welcome Kloopr CEO, Jason Kirk!

- Good afternoon, and thank you for joining us

after what can only be called another banner year

for Kloopr!

[cheers and applause]

What a year.

I want to start by addressing the elephant in the room,

recent comments made on the Kloopr platform

by Ron "Raw Dog" McQuaid.

Let me be clear.

Kloopr has a zero-tolerance policy for hate speech.

On the other hand, it is important that we stand back

and stand by free thinkers like McQuaid, especially when--

and this is important--

they make us so much money.

I mean, that's--yeah.

Now to all of those who were offended by McQuaid's

hurtful, hilarious remarks, we want to assure you

that Kloopr does not support or stand by any comments,

jokes, haikus, or single-frame cartoons

that disparage the LGBTQ community,

the disabled community, the BDSM community,

and whatever this is.

Everyone--am I right?

Everyone, everyone deserves respect.

Having said that,

we also ask that everyone respect the fuck tons

of cash that Raw Dog McQuaid and his program,

69% Raw, make for this company.

And I'm talking, like, Scrooge McDuck swimming

in his building sized vault of oversized gold coins

fuck tons.

Wait.

That is not to say that we don't have standards.

No, if you say something offensive,

and you don't make us money, we will be picking apart

those words like they're late-night texts

from the hottest boy in high school.

If you generate a million in revenue,

we will bravely defend your right

to say vaccines cause sterility against the rabid

Sarah Lawrence women's studies woke mob witch hunters

that are trying to dismantle the notion of freedom itself.

If you're anywhere in between, it depends on what else

is happening that day.

Having two sets of standards, double if you will,

that is the kind of forward thinking

that sets Kloopr apart.

Let's be honest. Let's just be honest.

Look, we live in complicated times.

It is hard to satisfy everyone who can give us money,

but I think that we have come up

with a common ground solution.

I am happy to introduce Kloopr Canceled.

Oh, that's right.

Kloopr will now bundle all of our most problematic voices

into a premium subscription service

that allows us to fully monetize

their problematic-ness while,

at the same time, signaling our virtues.

Now, listen to this.

Canceled will include content from ethno cartoonist

Jalen Stump, dirty limericist Torv Cuspule,

border enthusiast Dirk Cumley, Teflon rapist Shep Honky,

frank masturbater Dorvin Clink,

and, of course, our golden goose himself,

Ron "Raw Dog" McQuaid.

God bless his soul.

Thank you for supporting Kloopr.

In summation, money, good.

No money, bad.

Hurt people? Okay, if money.

Thank you, and money.

[cheers and applause]

Thank you.

- Obviously, none of that scene applies

in any way to the current CEO of Paramount+,

whoever that is.

- Basically, if you're a CEO that has ever paid us

or ever will pay us, this scene was not about you.

[upbeat spacey music]

- Okay, let's begin.

Who can tell me what 90% of gynecology is all about?

Paul? - Looking at vaginas.

- You'd think so, but no.

Lacey? - Making the patient feel safe.

- Nope. Jo, you want to take a stab?

- Yes, prescribing cranberry juice to me for my UTIs.

- Also no.

All right, you may want to write this down

because if you don't get this, you may as well toss

your speculums right now, okay?

90% of being a gynecologist is knowing how long

to wait before entering an exam room

after you told the patient to undress.

What do I mean?

Well, you're about to find out.

In these exam rooms, I've left a few women waiting

for varying amounts of time.

Who wants to get their hands dirty?

- I'll try.

- Lacey, let's go.

- Ms. Humphrey, hi, I'm Lacey, and I--

- Oh, I--sorry. Shoot, fuck.

Just one second.

- Oh!

I'll come back.

I don't know what happened. - It's okay.

Can anyone tell me what went wrong here?

- We didn't look at the vagina.

- Close, but completely off.

We told the patient to undress, and then we entered

the exam room too soon.

- [sighs]

- You see, when you come into the room too soon,

it doesn't afford the patient enough time

to undress and hide their underwear

between their pants and shirt for some reason,

and then to either text their best girlfriend,

"At gyno, FML," or to quickly Google,

"Can the gynecologist tell that I masturbated last night?"

- Ah.

- You see, affording time to the patient for things

like this is a critical aspect of gynecology.

Who wants to go next?

- Fuck it. I'll go.

- All right.

[soft music]

- All right, Miss Carson.

Let's see that vagina.

- I have 900 IUDs in my pussy.

I took all the shots. I took all the shots!

I took all the shots!

- Oh, my God, what the hell? That wasn't hot.

That wasn't hot at all.

I went through medical--

- You bet your fat, dumb dick that wasn't hot

because we let too much time pass between telling her

to get naked and coming back into the exam room.

When you leave a patient alone in a gynecological exam room

for too long in a flimsy paper nightgown

that feels like it's gonna disintegrate,

they get bored and antsy.

They'll start going through your things.

They'll eat your snacks.

- That's why she was holding those potatoes.

- Exactly.

I like to eat a whole raw potato as a snack.

And obviously, she found it.

Good work, Lacey.

- Thanks. - Jo, you're up.

- [sighs]

[tense music]

♪ ♪

No, I can't do this. I can't do this.

- Come here. - I don't want--

I don't want-- - You've got this, okay?

- No, no, can I just throw some cranberry juice

in the room and call it a day?

- No, look at me.

Look at me. - Okay.

- That woman in there needs you to look at and into her vagina

with the most uncomfortable tools possible.

- Okay.

- And sure, none of us want to do this.

- I do.

- Except Paul, but, you know,

straight male gynecologists are weird.

I'm gay, so I find it just as troubling as you.

Now, Jo, that woman has been in there for nine minutes.

I want you to go into that room when your head,

your heart, and your vagina tells you it's time.

♪ ♪

- [mouthing]

- Ms. Wilson, hi.

I'm Dr. Reese, and I will be performing your exam today.

- Wonderful.

- I knew you could do it.

- [sighs] Thank you, Doctor.

- No, no, no. Go finish your exam, Doctor.

- Right.

Oh, how do I insert the speculum?

- Oh, it doesn't matter. Just shove it in.

It's gonna suck regardless.

Bye.

- I know I have a tiny part in this scene,

but Tim Meadows is the funniest person

who was ever on "SNL," I believe.

And I needed him to be this doctor.

- She was so right.

Tim was way better than she would have ever been.

Thanks, Amy.

[upbeat spacey music]

- Here's another song from, you guessed it, Ron.

Ron.

[upbeat music]

- ♪ My wife buys me clothes, and I wear them ♪

♪ My wife buys me clothes, and I wear them ♪

♪ My wife buys me clothes ♪

♪ And I wear them ♪

♪ My wife buys me clothes ♪

♪ We make a good team with our wardrobe ♪

♪ My wife buys me clothes, and I wear them ♪

♪ My wife buys her clothes, and she wears them ♪

♪ My wife also buys all the kids' clothes ♪

♪ My wife also does all the scheduling ♪

♪ And earns a lot of money running her own business ♪

♪ I'm in a men's league for kickball ♪

♪ My wife buys me clothes ♪

♪ Check out my clothes ♪

Oh, hey, so I just texted you a list of some stuff

that I need for the wedding that we're going to in Hawaii

or wherever, like, because I spilled

some maple syrup and waffles

on those expensive pants that you bought me.

- I'm slammed.

Can you handle it?

- What?

- Did you really not hear me?

- Oh, no, it's cool. I can do it, yeah.

♪ Me buy me clothes ♪

♪ Uh, Amazon, me buy me clothes ♪

What size am I?

♪ Me buy me clothes ♪

UK something, size five?

♪ Me buy me clothes ♪

♪ Me buy me clothes ♪

♪ Me buy me clothes ♪

- I don't know what happened. Oh, fuck.

- Let's take a--fuck.

- I took all the shots!

- That was nice

- Thank you. I'm a mom.

[soft music]

♪ ♪

- It's so easy.

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