Original subtitles

- ♪ MTV ♪

[upbeat music]

- Hi.

You have quite the pep in your step.

- We're taking our daughter's soccer team to

to regionals today.

We're so proud.

- I thought it might have something to do

with the new GM Amana you're driving.

It's an all-American car for an all-American family

like yours.

- Hello, there.

Who's this?

- This is my daughter, Jasmine.

- Oh.

OK.

- Kids love the Amana, too.

From the smartphone-compatible seat-back monitors

to the rear personal climate controls.

The Amana makes those long road trips a breeze.

- Looks like Jasmine's friend loves the Amana, too.

- Oh, no.

This is my son.

- Oh, that makes sense.

- Kobe.

- Interesting name.

Not what I was expecting, but I can handle it.

Just like the Amana can handle snow and rain with its

state-of-the-art four-wheel drive and antilock--

so your daughter's adopted then, right?

- Yeah. Oh. Hi, honey.

- Whoa. What the fuck? Who's that?

- My husband.

- How is he Black?

- He was born Black.

He loves the Amana, too, especially the leg room.

His legs are so long and thick.

- Cool. That's cool.

I'm cool with all of this.

- You sure, dude?

You sound weird.

- In fact, we designed the car with him in mind,

with all peoples in mind.

From extra leg room to the-- I'm sorry.

How did you two meet?

- In college.

- Right.

So like football player and cheerleader?

- I majored in Eastern philosophy.

- Yeah, and I was a cheerleader,

but can we just focus on the Amana?

It's dual air bags on both driver and passenger side,

360-degree surround-view camera, auto-dimming mirrors.

- Don't forget the fast USB charging.

- Wasn't that a British accent?

Are you messing with me?

The Amana also comes with heads-up display.

Speaking of heads-up display, I'd love

a heads-up on your history.

- Fine.

I had an unplanned pregnancy when I was young.

I decided to keep the baby.

And after Mark and I got married, we adopted Jasmine.

- That's the Asian girl?

- You can just say "girl."

We've always tried to celebrate and embrace

our family's diversity. All right.

So let's go, everyone.

- The GM Amana--

it's a whole new car for a whole new America.

You know, I actually dated a Black girl once.

- Dude, don't.

♪ ♪

You have a question? - Nope.

[dramatic music]

♪ ♪

- Exactly, which is why I think...

[indistinct chatter]

- Aww.

[upbeat music]

Ew. Get a room.

[sighs]

[indistinct chatter]

Awww.

♪ ♪

Ugh.

Awww.

♪ ♪

Awwww.

Awwww!

♪ ♪

Ahh!

[applause]

- Yeah, me, too.

This is so nice.

Hi.

- I like this. - You like it?

[leaf blower whirring] - Yeah. We'll take it.

[laughter]

- Awwww.

- Uh-uh. - Awwww!

- Never mind. - Never mind.

♪ ♪

- Awww.

Awww.

[groans]

Awwww.

Awwww.

Aww. Awww.

- Excuse me, hi. Excuse me. - Hey.

- Hi. - Awww.

- Can we talk to you?

- Yeah, of course. - Yeah.

What-- what is your problem?

You think that we're cute?

Like, you can treat us like we're little bunny rabbits

because we're gay?

Why do you do that?

What is that?

That "awww"?

- You look like my dead son.

both: Awwww.

[together] Awwww.

- When one of our writers, Jeremy Beiler,

told me about experiencing the "aww" phenomenon as a gay man,

I thought, I have almost definitely been this woman.

- It's sort of like when you see

toddlers playing with a tea set, you're like, awwww.

They're pretending to drink real tea.

Isn't that so cute?

[dramatic music]

[siren chirps]

- All right, everybody. Y'all know the drill.

- All right. Everybody, calm down.

I'm going to get us out of this.

- Fuck you, Derek!

I don't even know what roll we on, yo.

And these cops can be the kill-the-niggas kind.

- OK, OK, listen, we ain't got that much time.

Dave. Dave!

Listen to me.

Reach into that side compartment slowly.

- Why are you moving? - Roe, relax.

It's going to work. It's going to work.

Slowly.

- Privlage?

- Put that on your face, neck, and hands right now.

Right now, face, neck, and hands.

- In that order? - What? Hell, no!

- Just do it, Dave!

This is life and death, Monroe!

Just spray the shit!

God damn!

- Quick, quick, quick, quick.

He coming, coming.

Come on.

- Let me see your hands!

Let me see your hands, you--

oh.

[chuckles]

- Hey. - How are things?

- Hi. - Hi.

- How you doing?

Great, I hope.

- Yeah.

Is everything OK, Officer?

- Yeah, I-- I--

I caught you guys, uh, doing a 60 in a 55.

- Oh.

- So where are you snow bunnies going in such a hurry?

- Uh, I--

I just came back from a smorgasbord in-- in Vermont.

- Oh, and I was at a-- a Bruno Mars concert at Equinox.

- And I-- I can't even remember where I've been,

because I've just been eating so much mayo.

- [laughs] And now we're going home to watch "Selling Sunset,"

so... - Yeah, and do rosé Pilates.

- Yeah, rosé Pilates.

- Those are some interesting outfits you girls have on.

Are y'all, uh, white lady rappers, or lesbians, or--

- Oh my god. Are you profiling us?

- No.

No, no, no, no.

- You better not be profiling us.

- Do you know who my father is?

- Uh, do I smell weed in this car?

- Sadly, Officer, yes, yes, it is.

- But if you let us go, then we promise never to do it again.

- Yeah. Yeah.

I can do that. Right?

We all smoke a little weed, right?

- [chuckles]

- Makes the sex better.

[crickets chirping]

I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding. I'm kidding.

[laughter]

I'm one of the good ones.

- That's funny.

- Yeah.

Besides, you're-- you're white ladies.

You're fine.

- Wow.

Racist piece of-- mm.

You know what?

We're-- we're actually a little lost.

And so if you could just point us back

in the direction of the city.

- Yeah, yeah, you just want to make a U-turn.

I-90's about 3 miles back.

But hey, listen, be careful, OK?

[whispering] Because I saw some Black people

walking around back there.

- Well, thank you so much, Officer.

- And we'll be sure to assume that they're

criminals, like you did.

Bye.

Piggies can kiss my ass!

Whee!

- Privlage was born from a joke that I do onstage

about how white women cry.

And I figured, like, how can we bottle up their tears

and sell them on a bigger platform?

- To be completely fair, I've been arrested

more times than Derek.

- The title, "Privlage--" strictly Yamaneika.

- What would y'all do without me?

You welcome.

[dramatic music]

- Is your bacon cruelty-free?

Don't answer that.

[laughs] I just--

I'll have the bacon avocado toast.

But you know, just, no avocado or toast.

- And I will have

the egg white special, please.

Yum.

- Oh, and can we have two more mimosas, girl?

- Yas.

- Yas, bitch.

Work all day.

Oh my god.

Is that a new blood diamond?

- Yes.

Listen, I have some really incredible news.

- Oh my god.

Are you not infertile anymore?

- No, I still am. - Ugh.

- My gardener--

- Josh?

- No, the other one-- the inside gardener.

- Your cleaning lady?

- Yes.

- Oh.

- OK, so her niece is becoming-- drumroll--

her nephew!

He's trans.

Which basically means I have a really close trans friend.

[ominous music]

- Wow.

It's-- this is so great.

So woked.

- He's actually coming over tonight

to give a TED Talk to my kids about the importance

of acceptance.

- Oh, god. Yeah.

That's--

- Oh, are you OK?

- Uh-huh.

Yeah, I just--

- I mean, I'm sure you also have

a really close trans friend.

I-- I don't need to brag. - Oh my god.

Yeah. Me?

Trans friends?

Yes.

Brag away, because of course I have trans friends.

I can't believe I haven't introduced you.

Did I not introduce you to the th-th-th-th-th...

- Do you mean, they-them?

- Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

[laughs] Um, they're, um-- the protons they use are they,

them, her, it's, that's, and those.

Hers is so brave.

- Oh, she's so brave. - Yeah.

- Yeah, you would love them.

- You should bring "therm" over tonight for drinks

or whatever that does.

- Yeah, good.

- Mm-hmm.

- [panting]

Trans.

Trans.

Trans?

Trans? Trans?

Trans?

Oh, god. Trans.

Trans? Trans?

Trans? - Black!

- Trans! - Black!

- Trans! - Black!

- Trans! Trans.

- Black. - Trans?

- Black? - Trans?

Trans. - Black?

- Trans. Trans.

- Black. - Trans!

Trans? - Black!

- Trans! - Black!

- Shit!

[sobbing]

- Hey.

Are you OK?

- Will you be my friend?

- Sure.

- [laughs] Yes. Yes.

OK, great.

OK. OK.

[upbeat music]

♪ ♪

Hey, Trans?

- Anne. - Tranne?

- No. Anne. Anne.

- Trans Anne.

Feel like going to a party with me tonight?

There'll be another you there.

And I really want my friends to see me with you.

- [scoffs] You know, I'm not a fashion accessory.

OK?

You know what? Um, I'll see you later, psycho.

- Oh. - All right?

- Wait, wait, wait.

Trans Anne.

Listen.

Can I say something?

OK.

I'm afraid of trans people.

Not, like, as people.

Just, I'm afraid that I'll say the wrong pronoun or verb,

and-- and-- and then I'll look stupid, and--

and I'll be embarrassed.

- Wow.

That must be really, really hard on you.

- Thank you.

Yeah.

So would you mind just--

going back?

- Go back where?

- To before you were trans, silly.

- So you would rather I not live my life authentically,

in my true identity that I know I am with every fiber

of my being, just so you cannot be

embarrassed for two seconds?

- Yes.

Thank you.

- OK, you know what?

Um, I'm going to go.

Um.

You're a monster, and, uh, I'll pray for you.

- I'll just bring a Black friend.

[chuckle] Black?

[light piano music]

Black friend?

- What I love about this scene is,

it really shows the microprejudices

that trans people face.

It isn't just the outright hate

but these little patronizing things that we see.

- What I love about this is that it shows how important

it is that I have a trans friend.

[dramatic music]

- You really think we can get 500 grand for this place?

- The neighbor's just sold for 480,

and our place is so much nicer.

[doorbell rings]

Oh, shit.

That's the real estate agent.

Take this.

Spray your face, spray your neck, spray your arms.

- In that order? - Just do it, Reggie.

[doorbell rings]

Hi! - Hi.

- Welcome.

Thank you for coming.

Come on in.

- Thank you.

Oh, wow. Oh. - Thank you for coming.

- I'm Amina.

- I'm sorry? - Bridget.

- Right. That makes more sense.

I'm sorry, I didn't get yours.

- Michaela.

- Ah, perfect.

You have an absolutely beautiful white home.

I'll bet you I can get you at least 600 for it.

Ow. This is so sweet.

I'm such a fan of lesbians.

Ah, all right. We'll get this on the market,

and we'll probably have a best and whitest by tomorrow--

huh, that's an interesting birthmark.

- Oh, um, I was a child of divorce, and there was a--

- Thank you so much for coming.

We really appreciate your time, and we

will wait for your call. - Oh.

- Thank you. Thank you, bye.

We look forward to hearing from you.

- Top of the day. - Bye-bye.

Whew. That was close.

You must have missed a spot.

- Privlage is the shit.

[laughs] I'm going to go interview to be an NFL coach.

- Privlage, made from white women's tears.

[dramatic music]

[militaristic music]

- We landed the Atlantis orbiter in Cape Canaveral

today at 0700 hours GMT.

The crew and I are glad to be back on terra firma.

And we thank you all for the warm welcome.

Now, we have some time for questions.

[indistinct chatter]

- Flight Director Duke Howard, can you

describe the minutes that led to the failure

of the heat shield?

- First Officer Mike Cassell and myself

noticed our re-entry system was reporting abnormalities.

At that point, we knew we'd have to do

an EVA to repair the shield.

- First Officer Cassell, how did

you keep your calm when you had to breach the pressure lock?

- Well, this is what you train for.

And I knew we had an incredible support team

on the ground in Houston.

- This question is for Amy.

- Oh.

Yeah, I'm Systems Engineer Amy Lane.

- Amy, how do you balance such a rigorous and stressful

career with motherhood?

- Oh, I don't have children.

- Oh, jeez, my mistake.

In that case, how do you balance

such a rigorous and stressful career

with planning to have children or searching for a partner

to make kids with?

- Uh, I actually don't want kids.

[all gasp]

- What?

- You gay?

- Um, so no questions pertaining

to how I reconfigured the solar thrusters?

- Flight Director Howard, how does

it feel to receive the Medal of Bravery from the president?

- Mmm.

It's the honor of my life to serve my country.

- Thank you for your service.

- Yeah.

- And for Ames, was it painful

when the effects of zero gravity combusted

your baby-making parts?

- Excuse me? - Oh.

Earlier, you said you didn't want children

like a normal woman, and I was trying

to figure out a reason why, and I guessed it was gravity or--

I don't know-- a space alien bit off

your vagina uterus tubes?

Whatever. I'm not a scientist.

I'm just a reporter.

- All right, this is nobody's business,

but I just don't want kids.

My focus has always been on my career,

and children aren't a part of that.

OK?

- Oh, like Queen Latifah.

- Well, you say that now, but you'll change your mind when

the right guy comes along.

- Pretty sure I won't.

- We're all rooting for you, girl.

- OK, well, don't.

The life of an astronaut actually entails a lot more--

- Oscar Isaac.

- I'm sorry?

- Come on.

Don't tell us you wouldn't have kids with Oscar Isaac.

- Oh, he'd definitely be the right guy.

I bet he'd even be willing to babysit the kids.

- And he was in "Star Wars," so he

can talk about space with you.

- I don't think it should be called babysitting

if it's your own children.

- Hey, hey, guys, please show Officer Lane some respect.

She's at the top of her field,

and that can be intimidating to guys trying to smash.

[together] Ohh.

- It all makes sense when you think about it.

It's just so sad.

- What? No. Feel sad?

Why? My life is great.

All right? I-- I teach at MIT.

I fly F-16s.

I just went to fucking space, OK?

The thing beyond the sky?

I have a great life! I want this!

- Ma'am.

- This is the life I want!

Oh my god!

- We're the space police.

You're in violation of space law.

You need to go with us. - Why?

Because I don't want children?

- No, for vehicular manslaughter.

- Oh, yeah.

- This scene started as two different ideas.

Jeremy pitched a female astronaut

not being taken seriously, and Georgie

pitched a woman that doesn't want kids

who's treated like a criminal.

- Amy suggested we merge the two ideas.

So I guess you can say Jeremy and I are the parents

of this scene, and no one needs to ask me when I'm

going to have kids anymore.

- I don't care for children.

[dramatic music]

- Hi.

I'm activist Amy Schumer.

If you're anything like me,

you're a dedicated liberal and working mother.

When I started looking at preschools,

I heard a lot of like-minded parents wanting to explore

a progressive curriculum.

Many parents wanted to address critical race theory,

because they heard it was good.

School directors said it refers

to some advanced theories

about systematic racism and that kind of stuff.

And most developmental experts think we should teach children

in ways that are consistent

with their intellectual capacities.

But I say that's a cop-out.

No age is too young to face the brutal unabridged truth

about the white supremacy we live in.

That's why I founded my own preschool, Amy's Garden,

a critical race theory garden.

Our infant room begins at six days old.

Newborns learn where their hands are and the entirety

of Isabel Wilkerson's "Caste."

At Amy's Garden, we employ infant sign language

to communicate such important concepts as "more," "milk,"

and "Reconstruction and the rise of the Jim Crow South."

In the toddler room, little ones choose such activities

as playing farmers' market,

learning ABCs, and a simulation

of hiding under a table in Nazi Germany.

Field trips are arranged to visit such locations

as the Holocaust Museum, Yad Vashem in Jerusalem,

and complex sociological lectures at the 92nd Street Y.

- Open your eyes to the realities, Gus.

- And Amy's Garden is an amazing community.

You're going to meet all kinds of parents--

people in finance, people in the arts married to people

in finance, people in finance married to other people

also in finance, and a Black couple

married to each other in finance,

and obviously, Audra McDonald.

If this sounds like something for you,

get your application in ASAP,

because with six slots, it's basically impossible

to get in, unless you're part of my general social circle,

in which case, it's very easy,

unless I'm mad at you that week.

Amy's Garden-- this country was meant for everyone.

Let's start living that way.

Tuition $50,000 per semester per child

does not include blocks or snacks.

This one was tricky, and we talked about it a lot

in the writers' room.

We didn't want it to be taken the wrong way.

- Yeah. Before you go to Twitter,

just know the staff is uniformly

in favor of social justice.

- But sometimes you need to make fun of rich white people

who are taking it too far.

[dramatic music]

And now, another song by your favorite of mine--

Ron Weiner.

[upbeat music]

- ♪ Went to a party on a Saturday night ♪

♪ Potluck dinner, cooked my pasta up right ♪

♪ But nobody ate the stuff I brought ♪

♪ Nobody ate the stuff I brought ♪

♪ Nobody ate the stuff I brought ♪

♪ They just kept walking away ♪

♪ And you say, but did that feel OK? ♪

♪ No, it did not ♪

♪ 'Cause I did not feel part of the party ♪

♪ ♪

♪ So next time you're out at parties and such ♪

♪ Where people bring food ♪

♪ But there's one they don't touch ♪

♪ Know that was made by someone who tried ♪

♪ A real human being with feelings inside ♪

♪ And think of that before you pass on by ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Think about it ♪

♪ Somebody made that food ♪

- You OK? - Uh-huh. Yeah, why?

- Just-- - Are you OK?

- I'm so good. - Oh.

- I'm, like, the best I've ever been.

- No, 'cause you look amazing.

- I--

- But, like, a little tired, and I'm worried about you.

- Oh my gosh, you know, it's just 'cause I,

like, lost so much weight.

[laughter]

- Did we catch his name? I feel like he's--

- No. - OK.

- No. - Waiter?

- Yeah.

Thank you.

- Waiter?

[rhythmic clapping, drumming]

[laughter]

- You know I love a drum circle.

- OK.

- [sighs]

[laughter]

- Settle.

[chuckles] Just talking to the women in the room.

OK.

- The room had some great notes for this scene,

but hand to god, I didn't listen to any of 'em.

- It's so easy.

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