All language subtitles for Welcome.To_.Flatch.S01E12.480p.WEB_.h264

It's my birthday
in five minutes,

so I'm just looking to see
if any of my followers

in Europe or Asia
gave me any b-day shout outs,

'cause for them
it's tomorrow--

or is it yesterday?

It's confusing.
I don't know.

This is why
I won't time travel. Ever.

We always say we're gonna
stay up till midnight

and watch me blow out a candle,

but Shrub never makes it.

Sleepy pie.

Oh, got one.

"Happy Birthday
from China Wok.

An extra fortune cookie
on any order over 20 bucks."

Sweet. Okay, gifts already
pouring in. Let's go.

Did I make it to midnight?

No.

Wait, did you draw something
on my face again?

No.

Okay, good.

Okay, so we're not,
like, camping-camping. Gross.

But today is not
just my birthday, okay.

It's also the day
before Manic Monday.

Which means my two
favorite days of the year

are on the same day.

Manic Monday is basically

when Merwin's Department Store
out on Highway 17

sells all of their overstocked, damaged,

and lost and found items
for a dollar.

Mm-hmm.
The day before, people camp out

for hours just to get
a good spot in line.

Usually I go with my dad,

but this year he said he's busy
at the Christmas tree farm

and couldn't make it.

So I'm bringing Shrub.

You know,
'cause it can get rowdy

and you need a human shield

and someone, to like,
to hold your place.

It is my responsibility
to step in for Kelly's dad.

I mean, not having him here
is gonna be really tough.

So I just want to make today
very special for her.

Kelly can be a bit
of a birthday-zilla,

so that's why I'm carrying
my Sour Patch Kids, or SPKs

on me to keep her calm.

I mean, I'm excited.
I mean, this is my first year

and I have my eye
on a Hot Doggie Deluxe.

It cooks hotdogs
three different ways

and one way
doesn't even use heat.

Okay, like the shopping
is cool,

but the real fun
is a pre-event today. Okay?

There's like
parking lot fights,

you roast Pop Tarts on sticks,
peeing in Snapple bottles.

- Yeah, oh, classic.
- I always miss.

And then also,
you can take bribes

so people can cut you in line.

That's where I got
this sweatshirt, actually.

Bus doesn't come until 8:00,

so I had to arrange a ride.

Wait, did you give me
a birthday limo or something?

- No.
- Sure, you didn't.

No, Kelly, no.
I need you to hear me, okay.

Do not get your hopes up.
There's not a limo coming.

Okay.
There's not a limo coming.

- No, there's not.
- I'm just gonna close my eyes

'cause something's in them.

Ow! And then
open them dramatically.

Seriously, there's not
a limo coming.

Don't do this.

- Hi.
- Open your eyes, dude.

Hope you like show tunes!

Yeah!

So a lot has happened.

Jimmy and I broke up.

But on the bright side,

I'm considering a job offer
from the "Dayton Sentinel."

I'm torn because
they're an amazing paper,

and they adore me,
and I love the praise.

But Flatch readers tell me
when I'm wrong or when I suck.

And I appreciate their honesty.

Yeah, like I said, I'm torn.

Ooh, I'm late for work.

Oh. How's my outfit?

I'm meeting Joe
later for lunch.

Don't give you that look.
We're just friends.

I'm really happy
with where

things are going
with me and Cheryl.

I think we figured out
how to be just friends.

And I'm okay with that.

After all, lunch is the most
platonic meal of the day,

dessert being the sexiest.

Just one spray.

Are you going under
the speed limit right now?

Yep. I get motion sickness.

We can't hit full speed
until my Dramamine kicks in.

You're a couple
of lucky duckies that we are on

our way to the D&D Convention.

Dropping you off is no problem.

Dungeons and Dragons
is huge for us.

I'm leading one of the games
this weekend and boy,

do I have an adventure lined up
for my little warlock.

Oh, Grandma.

It's Dungeon Master to you.

No, I can't take it anymore!

Please stop the car.
I know a shortcut to Merwins.

Just please,
pull over right now.

Are you sure?
Because I do not want

to miss the guy who fries eggs
on his truck engine.

I'm sure.

Bye, Kelly.
Happy birthday.

Yes, thank you.

Do you know where you're going?

I don't know,
does a fox have stripes?

I don't think so.

Okay, well, that doesn't matter

'cause I know where I'm going.

If I see a Melon Head Twin,
I swear to God, dude.

I wouldn't be caught dead
in the woods out by highway 17.

They are haunted
by the Melon Head Twins.

So the Melon Head Twins
are these two twins

that were being experimented
on at a nearby orphanage.

One night, an experiment
went horribly wrong

and their heads grew
to the size of watermelons.

They became violent and burned
the whole place down,

killing everyone
who ever hurt them.

Then they escaped
into these woods.

Oh, my God. Can we talk about
something else please?

Shrub's just sensitive
because growing up,

everyone said he looked like
a Melon Head Twin.

No. It's not that
I had a melon head.

It's just the rest of my body
hadn't grown in yet.

So you're scared of them?

No.
Why, are you?

No.

It's been happening for days.
It is driving me crazy.

I'm gonna call
the maintenance guy.

Oh, voicemail.

I bet the lights work
in Dayton.

"Hi, this is Cheryl.
Cheryl Peterson.

Cheryl Peterson from the paper.

Hope you have a subscription.

Anyway. There's been something
going on with my lights.

I was wondering if you could
come by and take a look.

Okay. Talk soon.
Love you. Bye."

Hey, ready to go?

Yeah, let me
just grab my purse.

So what's been
going on with you?

Anything new in Cheryl's world?

You know, the usual.
Nothing major, whatsoever.

I'm not lying to Joe
about the job or Jimmy.

I'm just omitting
until I know what I want to do.

- What just happened?
- I don't know.

Probably something electrical.

Hey, Nadine.
Are your lights on the fritz?

Mine have been
flickering all week.

Oh. Oh, you don't have
to worry about that.

It's just Franny.

She's the ghost
who haunts your office.

This week's the anniversary
of her death.

- What?
- Yes! I love ghosts.

When I was a boy
we had a ghost kid

in our house named Jeremiah.

We were friends.

Until we both had a crush
on the same girl.

Ghosts? Well, I don't believe
in ghosts.

I'm a reporter.
I need hard evidence.

Mm, well, Franny is real.

In 1887, she uprooted her whole
life and moved to this town,

just to be with a man.

Yep, she's the first
and last woman

to run this newspaper
before you.

She died alone with no family.

- I'm sure she had friends.
- No.

All she had was the paper.

So now she's stuck here
to haunt our offices forever.

Ooh! Oh, did you feel that?

- No.
- A cold breeze.

She's here.

Oh, Joe, you're standing
next to the air vent.

But it's not on, Cheryl.
It's not on!

Oh, yeah. Yeah, it is.

This birthday
officially sucks.

Just a little bit
further, Kel.

Huh?

That's it. That's it.
There we go.

Hey, why aren't you
giving me reds?

Red SPK's are Kelly's favorite.

They're for emergencies only.

That's the mixed
freight to Toledo.

We have to go that way.

Ever since I was a kid,

I could tell what train
it was

based on the whistle.

My dad taught me.

He used to make bets on me
getting it right.

There's commuter,
freight, and general.

And I know them all.

What can I say? It's a gift.

The Manic Monday line is
probably already doing the wave

and tossing
the beach ball around.

Dude, we're
almost there, okay.

How much longer? Huh?

Okay, Kel, look--

We're getting lost,
aren't we?

- Just a little bit, okay.
- Ohh!

No, no, no!

Oh, my God.
Not even a single bar.

It's like a black hole
out here.

My dad wouldn't have ever
gotten us lost.

We would have been there
by now,

racing pickles
on the escalator for coupons.

Kel, Kel,
come here, come here, huh?

Wait, the red ones.
Why would I do that?

It's convertible,
which is efficient.

Because it's small

and it leaves no footprint
in my place.

- Hmm?
- Is everything okay?

I thought you'd be more excited
about me

introducing a futon
into my life.

Oh, sure.

How old do you think she was?

- Who?
- Franny.

- The ghost?
- Do you think she got

the opportunity
to leave this town

and didn't take it
and now she regrets it?

Why are you so concerned?

I just feel like
she's my kindred spirit.

Don't be ridiculous.

I mean, just because
you both ran the newspaper

doesn't mean
you're the same person.

I don't know, Joe.
Maybe you're right.

Trust me. I--

Mandy, what are you doing here?

You're supposed to be
watching the office.

Hold on, aren't the three
of us having lunch?

- Oh.
- What?

You told me to put lunch
on the calendar.

Yeah, I meant my calendar.
Not both of ours.

Ohh. I guess we're still
finding our work language.

Don't worry. We'll be each
other's work wives soon enough.

You all right?
You look whiter than usual.

A ghost is haunting
her office.

Oh, Franny?

That lonely, sad old woman
who died with no family?

Yeah, okay, we get it.

I just--there's probably more
to Franny than her sadness.

We should see if Nadine
has any old journals.

Or we could just ask Franny.

- How?
- A seance.

Yes!

Not many people know this,
but I'm a ghost whisperer.

- Like a medium?
- Yeah.

Like Whoopi in Ghost.
I'd do anything to have Swayze

crawl up inside me
and possess this body.

Mm.

I don't know.

Oh, c'mon, Cheryl.
Let's do it.

Okay. But not because
I believe in it or anything.

But it might be a good story.

Maybe we'll be able to connect

with my childhood ghost, Jeremiah.

I'd love to apologize to him
for kissing Kori Knickleson.

- He was so jealous.
- Nope, nope.

I don't do kids.
They're freaky.

I don't want no The Ring
popping off in there.

The sun is going down,
so we decided to set up camp

before it gets dark.

That way we can
conserve our energy

and make it to Merwins
in the morning.

Tonight, I'm gonna set up
a super dope campsite

and make sure that Kelly's
birthday is still super fun.

Oh, it's happening.
It's happening.

Kelly, Kelly, Kelly--aah, ow.
That's a splinter.

We gotta hang up our stuff
to keep it away from bears.

Nailed it!

You know,
this is all your fault.

You got me lost
and you ruined my birthday.

Yeah, more like
I'm the only person

trying to celebrate
your birthday, Kelly.

- That is not true.
- Oh, it's not?

I had a ton of options, okay.

You know what? I'm leaving you
here where you belong,

'cause you are
a Melon Head Twin.

So, I heard you're doing a
seance in my office without me.

Oh, no, no. I just didn't
think seances were your thing.

Oh, well, Dylan's bonding
with the baby all night

slash watching basketball.

So I finally have
the night off.

And I'm your first choice.

No, my first choice is busy

getting a Maltipoo
off Craigslist.

But I figure you're the closest
thing I have to a co-worker.

So, you'll do.

Oh, thank you, I think.

Plus I really want
to ask Franny

some historical questions
about Flatch.

Well, this is turning
into quite a party.

And it's sweet that
I'm your second choice.

Cheryl, no.

My second choice
has hemorrhoids.

Absolutely not.
You're so funny.

Okay, so I'm like legit lost,

like, no real cameras
or anything.

But honestly,
I'm way less worried about me.

Like, Shrub can't survive
on his own.

He went missing for three days
when he was ten.

We had a milk carton
out and everything.

Turns out he was trapped
in a corn maze.

When they found him he was
trying to eat his way out.

Damaged him for life.

Now whenever we go to cookouts
I have to go in first to see

if they're serving corn on a--

Did you hear that?

First rule of horror films,

always stick with the funny,
unassuming guy.

He never gets killed.

Joke's on Kelly because she is
the dumb blonde who dies

right after the unfairly
stereotyped black guy.

No more help from Shrub.

In fact,
I'm done caring about her.

Unless this is a slasher film,
and then the dumb girl

lives to the end
and the funny guy dies first.

- What is that?
- Oh, my God.

It's the Melon Head Twins!

Oh, oh.

Hey, you good?

You sounded really scared.

Me? What? I'm good.
I came to check on you.

Oh, no. Yeah, yeah, I'm good.

- Good. Good.
- Good. Good.

- Where the hell were you?
- Yeah, wh-what?

- What's this?
- Ghost book.

- What's this?
- Ghost candles.

Ghost food?

That's an Oreo, idiot.

All right, y'all,
come on, circle up.

All right, so, first off,

we have to invite the ghost in.

- Okay? Come on.
- Oh.

Gentle Franny,
please come and join us.

Oh!

This is a safe space.
You can be yourself.

Let your freak flag fly, girl.

Whoa!

- Oh!
- Ow!

What was that?

What do you mean,
"What is that?"

You're the ghost whisperer.

Shouldn't you know?

I've whispered before,
but this is the first time

they've whispered back.

Oh, no. Okay, you know what?

I'm good. Y'all got it.

I'ma catch y'all later.

Oh, no, no, no. Mm-mm.

Don't worry.
I have experience with ghosts.

I can handle this.

Do you know Jeremiah?

About four feet tall,
blond hair,

he wears a white dressing gown?

If you see him,
can you tell him, "I'm sorry."

No, we should be asking
important questions.

Like, why is the post office
door yellow?

Or do you know
who planted the apple tree

in the center of town?

Is that a "No?"

I wouldn't want them
to go to waste.

I'm sorry that I got us lost
and ruined your birthday.

Yeah, you should be.

This is when you apologize
to me

for calling me a Melon Head.

I'm sorry.

Did you hear that?

Kelly just apologized.

That, like,
literally never happens.

God, that--
feels like my birthday.

- Did you hear that breathing?
- No.

There it is again.

Kelly, that's me.

Well, stop.
You're a creepy breather.

I can't just stop breathing.

That wasn't me.

- It's the twins!
- Oh, my God!

Oh my God!

Hey!
Are you okay?

There's no time!
Leave her behind.

I don't see anything in here
about how to deal with this.

I mean, the first half
is the screenplay of Ghost,

and the second half is hollowed
out with her passport in it.

Okay, that's it.
Let's talk.

Editor to editor,
woman to woman.

I know it must have been hard
to be alone.

I understand what that's like.

I actually moved here
to be with someone, too

and it didn't work out.

Awkward.

And I actually recently
started dating someone else.

And that didn't
work out either.

But you know, who cares?
Who needs 'em?

- Oh, wait, you broke up with--
- Shh!

I mean, sure,
I wish they made

a pupu platter for one.

Or that I didn't have
to buy a special brush

to lotion my own back.

But we're not alone.

We have the paper.

And I love the paper,
probably as much as you did.

I mean, yeah,
there are bigger papers,

but we're the eyes and ears
and voice of Flatch.

And when that many people
depend on you,

you can never be alone.

So don't worry, 'cause
the paper is in good hands.

And you can visit anytime.

Oh, wait.

Is it true that you killed
all three of your husbands?

What? She's a black widow?

Allegedly.
That's why she was alone.

All three of her husbands
were poisoned

but she was never convicted.

So crazy, right?

You guys heard her say that
she's not dating anyone, right?

I fixed the problem
with the light.

What problem?

You left a message
about lights flickering.

I love you, too, by the way.

Oh, that's a long story.

It's not that long.

You said you love me
on my voicemail and--

Just move along, okay.

Turned out to be
a bad switch.

I was banging on the floor

just to let you guys know
that I'm almost done.

Oh, thank you.

Hey, if you ever need
any work done around here,

you can call me.

The name's Franny.

Just kidding.

Oh, my gosh!

I heard you guys
having a seance

and I just thought
I'll have some fun.

Yeah, we got really spooked.

It was really crazy.

Hey, let us in!

Wow.
What are you guys doing here?

- Chasing us--
- Lost in the woods--

We hitched a ride with a felon.

Hopped a fence,
borrowed a bike, got a flat.

Saw your light.

The Melon Head Twins
are, like, right behind us.

The Melon Head Twins?

Ghosts of twins
who live in the woods.

That sounds like
an urban legend.

No. The Melon Head Twins?
That's some real

So I officially
turn the job down.

Bigger is not always better.

And besides, great stories
are hard to come by.

Lucky for me,

Flatch is weird enough
to have lots of 'em.

Franny agrees.

I knew my dad would
come through

with a gift for me.

He's, like, really good to me.

Best birthday ever.

And to think, Shrub
almost completely ruined it.

That's the 12:30 commuter
to Chicago.