Original subtitles

So I'm still killing it at the car lot.

Same.

Since Shrub can't drive, I've been helping out

by driving the dirty cars up for him to clean.

To detail. I'm a detailer.

I'm honestly surprised

everyone's cool with Kelly hanging around.

Yes. I am currently being paid in donuts,

but it's cool,

because donuts turn into energy,

which turns into ideas to make money.

You know?

For me, it's never been about working hard.

It's about working smart.

Dude, okay, they're not mammals.

- Whales lay eggs. - No--

They're, like, a delicacy in Japan.

Read a book sometime, for real.

Okay.

Hey, Kelly. Hey, Shrub.

Hey.

Do you guys know what's going on?

The big "No Credit, Bad Credit" sales event is coming up.

So the cameras are setting up

for the commercial shoot tomorrow.

Cool.

Okay, so the Parneys run these epically chaotic,

terrible, amazing,

like, legendary horrible commercials.

They're deranged and perfect; we're obsessed.

Like, completely.

They're like a five-car pileup

starring Dylan's whack-job dad.

I can't believe it.

I never thought I'd see one get filmed.

Dude, this is probably the best thing

that has ever happened to us.

No offense.

Dylan and I are here to rehearse

because we're starring

in the commercial this year.

So we'd actually better go get inside.

Oh, yeah. Bye, guys. We'll see you in there.

Oh my God!

Jimmy and I are road-tripping to Cleveland.

We are both nominated for the Regional Ohio

Journalist Awards.

Same category, actually.

"Best Investigative Reporting."

I did an exposé on the girls' volleyball team

down at County High.

They deflated the balls to win the playoffs.

And Jimmy is nominated for his takedown

of a Pockton City Council member.

Excited to see what happens.

And also, I think a little friendly competition

can be quite sexy in a relationship.

I can just drive at the halfway point.

Um, no, that's okay. I got it.

Yeah, but I want to.

Eh, it rejuvenates me to stay behind the wheel.

- We'll see. - Ah, we'll see.

I have been an efficiency machine

these past few weeks.

I wrote all my sermons for the next month.

I winterized my roses.

I even got my plantar warts removed.

From a real doctor this time.

Yeah, my schedule's been real light

since Shrub and Kelly started working at the car lot.

What a change.

Seems like it was just yesterday

that they were jumping out of closets in clown masks

and locking me out of my own phone.

Memories.

So yeah, I mean, I'm still the low man.

So I do get punted most of the bodily fluids stains.

But other than that, I'm just stoked to finally let my craft

and my art come first.

Like, I've done 50 cars now.

And each one, I'm not even kidding,

feels just as special as the first one.

I mean, not to be, like, whatever,

but you bond with these cars, you know?

You nurture them.

You do everything that you can to make them great.

And then before you know it,

they're fleeing the nest, like a bird

going off to bird community college.

And...

- Mallet. - Boss.

I've got an assignment for you.

- Hit me. - You're detailing

the car for the ad, decal and all.

Linda, if this is a prank,

you've gone too far.

You're ready.

And frankly, I'm blown away by your talent.

The things that you can do with a vacuum

and a squeegee should be illegal.

Also, my osteoarthritis is acting up.

So apparently there's just a table of free food

on real TV sets.

I don't know why you guys never hook us up like that.

Huh?

- If I say he's out, he's out. - Okay.

What was that about?

Parney is a maniac.

If he keeps firing extras,

we're not gonna have enough bodies to fill the background.

- I'm a body. - What?

And a mind too. A powerful one.

But I'd be a great extra

because I-- you could put me anywhere.

I only have good angles. Look.

Okay, fine.

What?

Oh my God!

I'm gonna be famous.

Thank you so much for this opportunity.

Youth outreach.

I realize there must be hordes of young Flatchians

that might need my help.

My mind immediately went to Mickey.

He seems like such a nice guy,

and even though Shrub and Kelly are always razzing him,

he spends a lot of time with them.

I bet he's jonesing

for a little companionship these days.

Whoa, Mickey, nice threads!

Oh, uh, thank you.

It's for a war re-enactment.

We're--it's the 210th anniversary of the Flatch Five.

But Len's brother won Sade tickets on the radio,

so he had to bail.

So we might have to cancel.

Can't do the Flatch Five with just four.

It's called the Flatch Five for a reason.

- I'm in. - Oh. No, I didn't--

If you'll have me.

Okay, uh, how about you meet us in Auburndale field

in about an hour?

Costume provided; snacks will not be,

so eat before or bring your own period-appropriate rations.

And so I said, "That's your byline?

More like bye line."

I had to do it. I gave it back to him.

Well, well, well, if it isn't the old so-and-sos

from the Dayton Sentinel.

Everyone, guard your sources.

Jimmy Jameson, you wily bastard.

We didn't think we'd see your face here

after you swept last year.

Hmm, well, what can I say?

I'm addicted to writing brilliantly.

And also diet pop.

Oh, and this very special person is Cheryl.

- Nice to meet you. - Hello.

You're Cheryl Peterson?

Everyone here is talking about you.

Your piece is amazing.

- Mm-hmm. - CHERYL: Thank you.

Wait, aren't you two up for the same category?

- That's right. - Well...

Uh-oh, Jimmy!

You're in trouble this year.

Someone's going down.

- We'll see you in there. - Take him down.

Mm-hmm.

Oh, come on. So exciting.

Sorry, no cameras allowed.

I've been working on this car for seven hours straight.

No bathroom breaks.

Those are astronaut numbers.

But, you know, I'm not complaining.

I legit cannot believe that Linda

is letting me do this at all.

Greetings, fellow countrymen.

Oh, hey, everyone,

let's give a warm welcome to Father Joe,

AKA Horace Mattheson,

fifth regiment corporal and noted hemophiliac.

I'm happy to be here.

I am quite honored to welcome you

to our gathering.

Did I miss the battle? I drank two protein shakes

on my way over here, and I'm more than ready to run

and do some hand-to-hand combat.

Fight?

Colonel Mayhill, who is this interloper?

I'll kill him with my bare hands.

Stand down, soldier.

There won't be any fighting today.

See, the Flatch Five were the group of soldiers

left behind to watch the regiment's bags.

Oh, really?

So, like, no storming the enemy?

- No mud crawling? - On the contrary.

Today is about honoring the quiet moments.

Come, give it a try. Watch the bags.

You see, these were the actual bags used in 1810.

Oh, cool.

Sit. Reflect.

Ope, nope. Stop.

But you said to watch the bags.

Just feel.

And the winner

for Best Microregional Weekly Feature

goes to Cheryl Peterson.

CHERYL: Ah!

I won! I won! Can you believe it?

Oh my--I forgot to kiss Jimmy.

Oh, whatever. He won't care.

Where is he? Have you seen him?

I--I need a drink.

Me, too, because I won!

Yep, I know. I know.

Yes!

Please, sir, I know my credit is dreadful.

But can't you put me in one of your many

reasonably priced automobiles?

My kids and I may need to live in it someday.

I'm sorry, ma'am, but there's nothing I can do.

Our amazing deals only apply

to our financially responsible customers.

Cut.

It's a big year for me.

Doug finally gave me a real role I can sink my teeth into.

Yeah, usually, he just casts me as "girl who points to car."

So yep, that's me doing it.

Oh, icons.

Oh, well, yeah.

I really don't mean to backseat direct,

but is it possible for the extras to stop overacting?

I'm just--I'm really inspired by your vision

and I don't want anything to distract from it.

Yeah, guys, stop overacting.

Yeah, fine, fine. That's--that's fine.

We'll just take it from Dylan's line.

Yeah.

And... action.

Miss, what's your credit score?

That bad, huh?

Please, sir. I know my credit is dreadful,

but couldn't you please put me in one of your many

reasonably--Kelly! Are you kidding?

Cut.

Oh my God, is that Kelly Mallet?

- Get over here. - Sorry, Doug, sir.

Kelly Mallet. You know, your old man

once tried to buy a car off of me using counterfeit euros.

Uh, those euros were actually proven to be legitimate.

But they did only equal 80 bucks.

Wait a second.

Oh, yeah, this is a good idea. This is a good idea.

Okay, Nadine, sweetie, you're out.

Kelly Mallet, you are in.

You are my new customer number one.

What?

Thank you so much, Mr. Parney.

I will not let you down.

- I'm f--I'm fired? - Oh, Nadine, calm down.

Come on. You can have Kelly's part.

And if the gown still fits,

you can, you know, point at all the cars.

Okay, here we go. Let's go. All right, come on.

Don't ever.

Give me that Mallet energy.

Thank you.

Day two. We are looking to each other

not only as brethren, but perhaps as sustenance.

Bored? No, no, not at all.

It's just that I was hoping to bond with Mickey

through play, you know.

Get in the mud, do a little roughhousing.

But I'm having a little trouble

figuring out the Flatch Five vibe.

Horace, where are you going?

I was just gonna gather some wood

for the Flatch Five fire.

Why aren't you limping?

Everyone knows that Horace Mattheson sustained

an injury to his right leg.

And because he had hemophilia,

he was never able to heal.

And Mattheson was missing his right eye

from a musket mishap.

And wood gathering was Private Emerson's job.

And that's me.

I'll help.

What are you doing? Are--are we racing?

Yes! Winner!

Oh, Shrub just detailed this car.

Look at it. It looks great. He must be so psyched.

Horace. Horace.

This is a no phone zone, buddy.

Not gonna warn you again.

- Eeny, meeny, miney, moe. - Eeny, meeny, minnie, moe.

Eeny, meeny, miney, moe.

All right, folks.

Let's make room for the vehicle.

Clear the road.

Vehicle coming through. Let's go.

Winner in the house.

- Oh. - Boom.

Looks like you are not the only game in Ohio

regional micro-subscription papers anymore, Jimbo.

Ah, you know, I--I have a headache.

Uh, I--I should go find some aspirin.

- I'll be right back. - Okay.

I'll see you in a sec, hon.

Hey.

We couldn't convince you to come work with us, could we?

Seriously?

We will set you up real nice in Dayton.

Yeah, there's even a Chipotle in our complex.

Why don't we start by buying the lady a drink?

- Huh? - Oh, I should wait for--

Um... oh, screw it.

Tonight, I am drinking like print media.

Like it's going out of style!

- Hey! - Oh!

- Shots, please! - You got it.

Can't you put me in one of your reasonably priced cars?

Okay? My kids and I could live in it someday.

I'm sorry, ma'am, but there's nothing I can do.

Our amazing deals only apply

to our financially responsible customers.

Cut. Cut. Cut. Cut.

- Hey, hey, hey, once again... - Oh, my God.

I need you to just stay out of the shot.

- I'm not in your shot, dude. - Okay.

While we're stopped, can somebody please tell me

whose butt I have to kiss

to get my son to behave like a believable car salesman?

I am an actual car salesman, Dad.

Please. Please. I was--I was--stop. Stop.

- Kelly. - Yeah?

I need you to play this sadder.

Okay. I think Belinda--

that's my character's name-- she's, like, less sad.

I see her more as resilient.

Okay, I like that instinct, but I'm talking sad.

- Okay. - Okay? Like, sad.

Down on your luck. Down.

- Down. - Okay, you got that?

You work with what you got. All right?

- Got it, boss. - Okay, good. Here we go.

Hey, how about some ghost stories?

I'm great at this, I swear.

I remember when my grandpappy

took me down here to this very field.

- Back then-- - What's with your voice?

And why are you limping on the wrong leg?

Hey, Father Joe, can you come here?

Um...

it pains me to say this, but I think the Flatch Five

needs to be the Flatch Four today.

We're just kind of a low-octane crew,

and it seems like you're looking

for a little more action.

Uh, also, Len says you ate some of his walnuts.

Wait. Are you kicking me out?

Is this part of it? It is.

Are you talking to me or Horace right now?

The regiment has spoken.

Fine.

I'm gonna take my goodwill

and my sense of adventure elsewhere.

I'll take the hat.

Thank you.

Jimmy and his little baby headache

never made it back to the bar.

But those Dayton people are so cool.

You know, they offered me a job?

Ah, can you believe?

They also offered me nachos, which I love more than jobs.

And I love--I love you guys.

I love you guys.

You're always filming, you little cutie.

Ope, nope. You can't come in here.

All right. Love you. Good night.

Oh, you're up...

and playing video games.

Well, you cheated in the license plate game.

I did not cheat.

I saw Hawaii.

Why is that so hard to believe?

And then you fake a headache

instead of celebrating me.

Oh my God, you're just a sore loser.

I'm not a loser. I'm a winner!

Wrong! I'm the winner!

Ah, pish-posh.

Dry your tears and tell me, the Credit Lord, what ails you.

Your Royal Highness, please take pity on a wretch like me

and set me up with a reasonable auto loan.

Okay, that's just wrong.

That's wrong. Okay, Kelly.

Mm.

I want you to think pennilessness.

Coupon clipping.

Free cafeteria lunches.

Mallet sad.

Okay? Let's go. Here we go.

You're doing great, Kelly.

Okay, Doug's entrance. And action.

Pish-posh.

Dry your tears and tell me, the Credit Lord, what ails you.

Ah, Your Royal Highness!

Please take pity on a wretch like me

and set me up with a reasonable auto loan!

Well, you're in luck, my child.

Because now during Parney Auto Mall's No Credit, Bad Credit

Sale event, I'm looking to help all the lowly,

wanton citizens of Flatch get into cars,

even those as low, low, lowly as yourself.

You've fallen right into my trap.

Yes, I may have bad credit, but I also have millions!

- That's right. - What?

I'm a diamond heiress.

And I've come to expose the evil corporation,

Parney Auto Mall. And it's elitist owner.

Cut! Dylan, dude, you're in the way of the decal!

I'm going to law school.

What is the matter with you? What is your name?

You're a Mallet.

You're the human embodiment of No Credit, Bad Credit.

How dare you talk to a millionaire like that?

Don't you know who her father is?

I got it, Dylan. Hey, dude. Guess what.

I may be a little cash-ily challenged right now,

but at least I'll never be a sad,

mean old man like you.

Okay? I'm a winner, kay?

And I'm not gonna take any of this disrespect anymore.

- Uh-oh. - I quit.

Yeah, you quit? You're fired.

Well, joke's on you,

because I never technically worked here.

Oh, joke's on you.

Now I don't have to pay you severance.

- Boom! - SHRUB: Hey! Hey!

Get your hands off of that car!

What is wrong with you?

Look at that car. Whose car is that?

That's my car. All of these cars are my cars.

And guess what I get to do. Huh?

- I get to do that! - SHRUB: No!

Yeah, baby.

Get this freak off my lawn.

You know, I thought this was a place that respected cars.

A place that respected art. But I was wrong.

When it comes to business, all this man cares about

is money and getting clients and selling cars; that's it.

That's called running a business.

Yeah, well, this is called, "You make me sick."

I quit.

Me, too.

Stay strong, Dylan. Mallets out!

Oh, uh, yeah, well, things got a little heated last night.

But I think we got to a good place.

We're gonna take some time apart.

There's lots that I liked about the relationship.

You know, the riddles,

the race to do the crossword,

bubble baths.

But we're both really competitive,

and I think that's just too explosive for me.

So we can still be friends.

Can never have too many friends.

Or free hotel lotions.

I'm gonna take some time apart from tequila too.

Ultimately, yeah, I'm glad we're out of the rat race.

Same. I mean, who wants to be a rat?

Other than Ratatouille, obviously.

I mean, that guy freakin' loved being a rat.

Yeah, and now I'm finally freed up

to find a job that, like, pays me to be me.

I think, for sure, it's gonna be acting.

Yeah, and honestly, I would rather be broke

than ever compromise myself for my art again.

I mean, newsflash, my integrity is not for sale.

- Hey, guys. - Hey.

What are you doing here? Day off from the car lot?

Yup. Today, tomorrow...

Forever and ever and ever.

What the heck happened?

There may have been, you know,

a little bit of a scene,

and we were maybe escorted off property.

Seriously?

How could the two of you manage to behave so poorly,

they'd ask you to leave?

You gotta learn to be more low-octane.

Maybe we will if they stop treating us like chumps.

- Yeah. - Yeah.

Okay, come to the office tomorrow,

and we can talk about it.

Why are you limping?

...who bite deeply into the necks of their victims.

Dude, don't hog the cashews.

Give me some.

- One. - Oh, my God, dude, it's on.

It's on.

And tell me,

the Credit Lord, what ails you.

Oh, take pity on a lowly wretch like me...

You did it way better.

And set me up with a reasonable auto loan.

Well, you're in luck,

because now, during Parney Auto Mall's...

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait!

Wait!

Shrub, that's you. That's you.

Oh my God. That's me.

That's you on TV! That's you on TV!

Oh my God.

Look at that baby shine.