All language subtitles for Jus.for.Laughs.40th.Anniversary.Special.2022.720p.WEB.h264-BAE

(laughter, applause)

- Four decades of laughs

From the world's biggest
comedy event.

Welcome to our star-studded
anniversary celebration,

Just for laughs 40.

We begin with great britain's
finest, jimmy carr.

- Thank you.

Sure, sure.
(applause)

Beautiful! Thank you.

Thank you! We made it.

Thanks very much, everyone.

(crowd cheering)

Being here for the 40th
anniversary of just for laughs

Is a dream come true,

For you, I'm guessing.

(laughter)

Though canada is not in
the strictest sense a monarchy,

You've shown your support
for the royal family

By also allowing yourselves
to be led

By the unqualified children
of former rulers.

(laughter)

(applause)

And don't get me wrong,
I love canada's current leader.

The world's most handsome,
inspirational,

Occasionally black
prime minister.

(laughter)

Yeah, it's true.

It's true.
Trudeau was so desperate

For canada to be diverse,

He was even willing
to do blackface.

Just for laughs began
40 years ago,

Of course, back then,
canada was run by trudeau,

And the white house
was inhabited by

An ancient senile man.

So much has changed.

Montreal is famous
for two things:

The just for laughs
comedy festival

And only being famous
for one thing.

(laughter)

The next act
is katherine ryan,

She's a canadian.
(cheering)

Yeah, yeah.

Now, katherine ryan proves
that women can be

Just as funny as men
and at a fraction of the cost.

I'm not slut shaming,

But katherine
is the only woman I know

To have completed tinder.

I'm joking. Katherine recently

Married her childhood
sweetheart.

Yeah. It sounds cute,
but really what happened was

She fucked literally everyone
she'd ever met

And had to go back round.

Please welcome my dear friend,
the hilarious katherine ryan!

(applause)

(indistinct chatter)

(♪)

- Oh...

Thank you!

Jimmy carr, everyone!

(crowd cheers)

Oh, gorgeous man.

When I look at jimmy carr's
new hairline,

I realize where kim kardashian's
old one went.

(laughter)

His laugh is the reason
his parents never tickled him.

Aw...

(applause)

Sad. It's very sad.

But it's wonderful to be back
in canada tonight.

Bonsoir, montréal!
How are you?

(cheering)

Oh, my goodness.

I enjoyed coming here last time,
I was a single lady,

I had the great privilege
of empowering a generation

Of young feminists

To say you don't have
to fit into the traditional

Shape of a family,

You are enough,
and then, as jimmy said,

Recently, I got married
like a stupid whore.

It was not my fault, I bumped
into my high school boyfriend.

He will always be my first love,

He will always be the second
dude I lost my virginity to.

And he was looking good,
also canadian.

And so, when I saw him,
I knew that I wanted

To bang him for a laugh.

That's right, for a laugh.

That's why everyone loves
canadian girls.

In my defence, I thought
he was already married.

(laughter)

But we got along so well
that he followed me back

To london where I live now.

A lot has changed in my life.

Now, we have two children
and one on the way.

I am factory
for straight white men.

(applause)

I'm disappointed in myself.

Until I met my high school
boyfriend and fell back

In love with him,

It was just my daughter violet

And me against the world,

For a decade, and she is 13 now,

So we're no longer friends.

"can't do that, mummy, can't say
that, can't wear that."

She criticizes my clothing,
like I'm not spending my life

Snatching crop tops
out of her wardrobe

So she doesn't leave my house

Dressed like a waitress
on epstein island.

That's my life now.

It's very difficult.

Is anyone else harbouring
a teenager?

(cheering)
ugh!

It's like having greta thunberg
in the house, isn't it?

How are you gonna save
the planet when you leave

Enough lights on
to land a plane, babe?

Everything I do is wrong.

"do you know what your problem
is, mum? You're a karen.

You're a karen."

I'm a karen? I'm...
I'm a very progressive person.

Karen, if you haven't been
called this in your own home,

Is a meme started in america.

You know, there'd be
a nasty lady, middle-aged,

Short blond haircut,

She'd be kicking off in a
walmart refusing to wear a mask,

Calling the police on
a black child's lemonade stand.

Now, you tell a child you own
to clean a room in your house,

You're a karen.
And you can't complain

About being called a karen,

'cause that's exactly
what a karen would do!

You just have to take it
like a bitch.

I really love the baby.
The baby is one year old.

He just turned one.
He is breastfed,

But he will only
take the milk in a bottle

Chilled in the fridge,

Probably due to the high white
wine content, I don't know.

I love my current husband
so much so far.

I love him so much so far.

Though my marriage
has been very oppressive.

As soon as I married,
I wasn't allowed

To see my friends anymore.

I couldn't go to work,
I had to cover my face,

I'd gone full taliban
overnight.

And I love him, but I haven't
been married that long.

See, I have a girlfriend
in london,

She's been married 30 years,

And she said something
that scared me.

She said, "katherine, the other
night I saw a funny-looking

Mole on my husband's back,

Decided not to tell him."

(laughter)

She's like, "we'll let those
chips fall where they may."

As a newly married woman,

I really hope
this is not my future.

I didn't think there were
female murderers, by the way.

But I see you ladies,
you're just very

Passive-aggressive
about it, aren't you?

Yeah, yeah, I slowly took
the vegetables out of his diet,

Upped the sodium, 12 short years
later, the house was mine.

Thank you so much, montréal,

It was so nice to come
see you again! Good night!

- Next. Please
welcome canada's own,

Russell peters.

- Thank you, why thank you!

Thank you.

Thank you, guys.

Bon sour! Um...

40 years of just for laughs.

I've been coming to this
festival for 26 years now.

And the first time
I played the festival,

They didn't pay me,
they didn't fly me in

And they didn't put me up.

I'm not even sure if
I was part of the festival,

In all fairness.

Anyway, look at me now,
I'm back year after year,

And trust me,
I make them pay now.

I do, I do.

(cheering)

There's a reason your tickets
weren't free, you know?

This montreal-born comedian's
success is an inspiration

To every canadian comedian
that if you're talented,

Work hard and have persistence,

That one day you too can be
introduced by me.

(laughter)

Please welcome my good friend
miss caroline rhea!

(♪)

(cheering)

- Hi, everybody!
How are you?

Hi!

It's so nice to be in montreal
since I am from montreal.

(cheering)
I know, it's very exciting.

I live in los angeles,
everyone always comes up to me,

They go, "oh, my god, your face
is so full, caroline,

What kind of filler do you use?
Is it restylane?"

I'm like,
"um, it's mostly fudge."

And uh, yeah.

With a little vanilla,
right here.

And then some rocky road.

I live in a 100-year-old house.

It's ridiculous, everything
is wrong with it.

I feel like a very sick old man
married me for my money.

Um, no, he's like
a very old man,

Like the foundation,
it's not hard anymore, okay?

(laughter)

There's barely any wood left.

It takes forever for any liquid
to come out of the pipes.

You know what I mean?
It's just like, come on!

So now that the pandemic
is sort of over,

I've decided I want
a full facelift,

So I went to a plastic surgeon,
they were like,

"did anyone recommend you?"
and I was like,

"yes, zoom."

And um...

'cause you know what happens
sometimes,

Women get like a second vagina
in their neck, I know,

That's terrible,

But they do!
And honest to god,

I'm not using the first one
enough to need a backup. I...

So, the plastic surgeon
literally goes like this,

He takes my stomach and then,
I swear to god,

He moonwalked for about
five feet.

He was just like this.

And he goes, "it's not gonna
snap back,

There is no elasticity."

I'm like, "well, could you just
walk it back,

'cause this is horribly
awkward, okay?"

I asked a doctor, I go,
"why does sex hurt so much,

Besides the fact that
I hate my boyfriend?"

And um, she said,
"because as you age, you know,

Your vaginal walls get thinner."

I go, "are you serious?
I exercise six times a week.

The only part of my body that's
getting thinner is my vagina?"

(laughter)

The only...
No one is seeing that!

No one is walking down
the street going,

"her vagina seemed much heavier
on television. It's tiny!

She's doing a kegel right now."

I get hit on by young men,
it's ridiculous.

I can't sleep with anyone
who could ask me if the cat

Was real from sabrina.

That's my rule. And I...

Yeah.

I have standards!

Anyway, this young guy
that I was going out with,

He was like, "I want you to send
me a picture of your boobs."

And I was like...
(laughter)

It was funny, right?
I know you all do it,

But it's a ridiculous
concept, okay?

So I said, I kept on saying,
"you want me to send you

A picture of my naked boobs?"

And he's like, "yeah."

Okay, so I sent him
my mammogram, and um...

Yeah, it got rid of his lump.
And it is...

It is so much more difficult

To take a good picture
of your boob

Than you can imagine.

Okay, men, I don't care what
you're thinking,

But honest to god...

Because, first of all,
if you take it up from up here,

You have like 18 chins,
you're like...

So I was like, okay, so then,
at first, I was like...

I lay on the bed.
The boobs were on the nightstand

In one second.

One second!

One was reading a book,
the other's making a phone call.

I was like, come on!

It was like bad children trying
to take a christmas card,

One was forward, one was back,
then they switched,

I was like, come on, girls!

Finally, I had to text him
and say,

"I'm sorry, I'm going to have
to send them one at a time."

(laughter)

Thanks very much, hometown!
Appreciate you!

(♪)

- Greetings, just for laughs!

Oh, I can't even believe
it's the 40th anniversary.

Uh...

I mean, my time in montreal

Just for laughs was
so incredible, because...

I'd never been
to montreal before

And I had no idea

That your delis are spectacular!

Why didn't anybody tell me that?

You know, I'm a young comic,
struggling.

If I had known I could've flown
north for corned beef,

For a pastrami, for a nosh,
for a knish...

Tremendous.

Thank you.

And thank you for the laughs.

But mostly,
thank you for the knish.

(♪)

(♪)

- Everyone knows that the road
to success in american comedy

Runs through canada
for some reason.

Does anyone understand why?
I'm confused.

Uh, no, no, it's an incredible
festival.

I got my start there at...
New faces, 20 years ago.

I can't thank the folks
at just for laughs enough.

It's the best comedy festival
in the world.

Uh, you all do an amazing job.

Thank you, thank you, thank you,
I will keep coming

For the rest of time.

Over to you, tommy!

- Thank you! It's uh...

I was always going
to be doing this.

You know, I was always gonna be
travelling around.

I lived in loads
of different places.

I'm travelling the world
as a stand-up comedian.

Standing the world
as a travelling comedian.

Travelling the world as
a stand-up comedian. Fucking...

Standing the travelling world...

(indistinct)

Yeah, yeah, it's all
falling apart now.

(laughter)

Look at the state of me.

I have a hairline
like the former yugoslavia.

It's breaking up into a series
of independent republics.

(laughter)

I don't care about my health.

I don't care.

Like every man in this room
over the age of 40

Has at least one thing wrong
with him that he's keeping

To himself
in the hope that over time,

It will clear up
of its own accord.

And I'm no different.

I've had a case of itchy hole
now for about nine months.

(laughter)

And it'll not get
the better of me, it'll not...

I'd rather die scratching
than give into it.

It'll not get
the better of me!

I've gone into the bathroom,

I've gone through
the wife's stuff

To see does she have a tube with
itchy hole written on it?

But she doesn't!

I've gone to the market
on a Saturday to ask

The mystery tramp from clare,

Does he have a special leaf
I could put on,

But he doesn't.

If you think I'm going
into a pharmacist...

And some pretty little woman
behind the counter...

And if you think
I'm going to her...

...And saying, "do you have
anything for an itchy hole?"

You've another thing coming.

She'd just about stopped herself
from laughing,

But she'd pressed the button
she has under the counter

And all the other pretty
little pharmacists

Will come trotting down...

To see who the filthy monkey is.

You get older, you have to get
certain procedures done.

Had to get me prostate checked.

You know, my wife was going on
and on and on and on about it.

Eventually, I said, "okay",
and I went down...

Went down to the local doctor,
she's a country girl.

She grew up on a farm.

She didn't wash her hands,
she spat in them.

(laughter)

She says, "come on, will we
horse into this?"

I says, "okay, okay."

She says, "drop the baggage."

So, I undid the belt,
took down the trousers

And the boxer shorts,

Stood there, stiff as a plank...

With me dignity
around me ankles.

Still... Butt cheeks clenched
tremendously.

Still maintaining some sort
of say over entrances and exits.

But she was a white witch and
she was working for the devil.

(laughter)

And she knew how to open me up.

(applause)

She says to me,
"lie up there on the bed."

You know, the bed they have
at the doctor.

So I lay up on the bed,
on me side,

Still stiff as a plank,

Butt cheeks clenched.

And then, as if it was the most
casual thing in the world,

As if there were going to be
no consequences to it at all,

She says, "now, tommy, just pull
your knees up to your chest."

Sure, it sounded harmless
enough, didn't it?

So off I went.

(laughter)

It was only when I got to her
desired destination

I realized how truly evil
she was.

'cause that just opens up

The whole shooting gallery
right there.

It's very hard
to defend yourself...

When you're holding your knees
up to your chest.

And then she got her finger...

She got her finger
and drove it into me.

Not even out of common courtesy
or manners

Did she spend a few minutes
just tickling me sphincter!

(laughter)

Just to get a bit
of a buzz going. No!

Straight in!

Straight in!

And when there
was her finger inside me,

She said one of the most
frightening things

I have ever heard in my life.

Her finger is in me
and she says,

"just accept it, tommy."

(laughter)

But I was so scared.

I said to myself,
"no, tommy, don't.

Don't just accept it."

So, I pushed her finger
back out again.

(laughter)

She must have thought it was
a game we were playing.

She drove it back into me!

I pushed it back out!

For the next half hour,

We're driving in, pushing out,
driving in...

Ah, it wasn't too bad
in the end, I suppose,

I kind of...

I go quite regularly now.

Montreal, it's been a pleasure
talking to you.

Thank you very much!

(applause)

(♪)

- Hi, I'm jimmy kimmel

And I would like to wish
a happy 40th anniversary

To just for laughs.

I first visited montreal
for the festival

Almost 25 years ago.
It was the most fun.

And it is the best comedy
festival in the whole world.

And I often wonder why
I was never invited back.

But happy anniversary.

And now, in french.

Bonjour.

Well, that's really all I know.

(♪)

- Please welcome
just for laughs veteran,
nikki glaser.

- I deserve that!
Thank you so much!

(cheering)

Thank you!

Thank you, thank you!
I deserve that.

Thank you, montreal.
It is so great to be back here.

Can you believe it has been
40 years since covid started?

It feels like... It seems like
100 actually. But this uh,

This year is
jfl's 40th anniversary.

It's 40 years old and just like
most 40-year-olds,

It's considering vaginal
rejuvenation surgery

And regrets not freezing
its eggs five years ago.

But about the festival,
not many people know the story

Of how the festival began.
So, the story is,

Back in the 80s, there was
a very enterprising young man

Name jean-guy
juste pour rire and...

(laughter)

Am I saying that right?
And he noticed

That a few of montreal's streets
just weren't under construction.

And he said,

"I think I know
a way to clog them."

So, he hired a handful
of acrobats and mimes

And he set them loose
on the road.

And the first festival was born.

And in the beginning,
the festival,

It was just a couple days long
and there was no english.

So in other words,
it was parfait.

Um, parfait is, of course,
french for "fancy yogurt."

But...
(laughter)

Today the festival
is a worldwide phenomenon

That boasts a line-up comprised
of the biggest names in comedy

Who don't already have
a better-paying gig,

And that's...
That means something.

And that's why I'm here,
actually,

Because carrot top
is in vegas, but...

And props to him for that,
literally.

I'm so excited
for this performer.

He worked as a painter
in Italy before opting

To pursue a career
in showbusiness,

Following, actually, in
the footsteps of michelangelo,

Who famously gave up painting
the sistine chapel

To become a ninja turtle.

So please welcome one
of the funniest people I know,

He puts the "gay" in gala,
it's matteo lane!

(cheering)

(upbeat music)

- Hello.
Bonsoir, montréal.

(cheering)

I've actually spent
a lot of time in montreal

And I really just wanted
to say something nice

About this beautiful city
and so, if you'll allow me,

I'd like to sing this song
to you.

(cheering)

Okay.

I feel like celine dion.

(soft music)

♪ I got the call ♪

♪ the call
I've been waiting for ♪

♪ the call to take me far away
from this hell ♪

America.

♪ the call to perform
international ♪

♪ the call to montreal ♪

(cheering)

♪ I was so excited to sing
and dance ♪

♪ in the north american version
of France ♪

♪ where everyone is really
nice and not withdrawn ♪

♪ after all it's the home
of celine dion ♪

♪ and oh I dreamed
of friendly people ♪

♪ who give me a cheer up
and oh ♪

♪ I pictured beautiful rivers ♪

♪ of fresh maple syrup ♪

♪ oh canada
was my answered prayer ♪

♪ and I never thought that I
would end up there ♪

♪ I feel so safe
'cause of medicare ♪

♪ I'm so glad I got the call ♪

♪ to montreal ♪

(cheering)

♪ I'm so happy
to leave my routine ♪

♪ to come to the land
of hot poutine ♪

♪ I don't understand
your thing with the queen ♪

♪ but I'm so glad
I got the call ♪

♪ to montreal ♪

(cheering)

♪ now we'll fast forward
to where I stand now ♪

♪ I've been coming to jfl
for six years wow ♪

♪ I bet you'd like to know
what I have to say ♪

♪ for my thoughts of montreal
on this day ♪

♪ it's charming ♪

♪ it's lovely ♪

♪ I'm sick of eggspectations ♪

♪ it's quirky ♪

♪ and whacky ♪

♪ I love tranna wintour ♪

♪ tim hortons
and bagels ♪

♪ cold winters and hockey ♪

♪ basically montreal ♪

♪ it's like cleveland
but you speak french ♪

♪ it's cleveland ♪

I'm kidding,
cleveland's gross.

♪ you're so much better
I love you ♪

♪ montreal ♪

♪ merci ♪

(cheering)

Merci, montréal.

Bonne nuit!
Grazie!

(cheering)

(soft piano music)

- Hey, just for laughs,
happy 40th anniversary.

Wow. Congratulations.
It's your girl wanda sykes here,

Just taking some time
from my vacation in cannes

Because I can.

(chuckling)

Don't pan, it's just a camera
person trying to do too much,

Ain't nobody asked you to pan.

Anyway, just want to say happy--
of course, that was alex.

But anyway.
Happy anniversary, I love you.

Thank you all for
so many great memories

And I can't wait to make more
of them with you.

Big love, muah!

Gros bisou, merci beaucoup.

And... Joyeux anniversaire!

(cheering)
quatorze.

(woman): Quarante.
- Quarante!

See, getting involved again.
(chuckling)

- Hello everyone!
It's me, trevor noah.

I just wanted to say
congratulations to you all

On the 40th just for laughs
festival.

It's an amazing accomplishment
for both the organizers

And the performers because,
you know,

Comedy doesn't always age well.

But your comedy festival has.

Yeah, but seriously,
don't let anybody see the jokes

In 20 years, just burn the tapes
for your own protection.

Uh, to the new faces,

I hope you can experience
what the festival is all about,

The love of performance
and stunting as hard as possible

On everyone back
in your local scene.

And to the networks and the reps
and the agents in attendance,

For the love of god,
buy something!

Don't just say,
"oh, I loved your set."

Get that person a deal or at
the very least, buy them a meal.

But seriously, congrats again,
good luck

And remember not to fill up
on poutine before your set.

I did that once.
It did not end well.

- Here's windsor's own,
dave merheje.

- Um, I know most of you
don't know who I am.

I'm here because I'm ethnic.

(laughing)

Russel peters is here
because he's russel peters.

I'm here because I'm lebanese.

Not even a dope lebanese,
I'm catholic,

Like nobody gives a shit.

(laughing)

Catholics...
Everybody thinks I'm muslim.

And they get jacked, they're
like, "yo, are you muslim?"

I go, "nah," and
then they just walk away.

(laughing)

And they're like, "you got this
beard though, man,

You got this beard.
You're muslim."

I go, "nah, I was just
depressed."

The truth is I was depressed and
I had sex with a girl

And she goes,
"I like this beard on you"

And I've kept it ever since.

I was like,
"I'm not going back."

I honestly just
want to say though,

From the bottom
of my heart, man,

Is that just for laughs,
you know, I watched

Just for laughs
when I was a kid, you know,

Lebanese kid and I got to be
in this festival in 2011

And ever since then, man,

I've been coming back and
I mean it from my heart that

They've helped my career
and they've helped elevate me

So I just want to say
I love you, because it's...

(applause)
I mean it, I love you.

So allow me to introduce
chris redd.

- Yeah!

(cheering)

What's up, montreal?

(cheering)

I don't know
why I'm like this.

I'm trying to figure it out,
I'm in therapy.

I thought therapy
was for white people.

And then I got a little money,
took my first vacation

And I realized, "oh, it's for
people with money. And time."

White people
just had that first.

I knew something was wrong
because I was living

The best day of my life.

I told myself if I ever made
a little money,

I want to live one day like
jay-z in the big pimpin' video.

And if you're not familiar
with that video,

Which I can tell
by some of your faces,

Absolutely not,
I'll break it down for you.

It's about one man, jay-z,
a little bit too old

To be rapping, in miami, having
the best day of his life.

He got champagne,
all his homies, money, cars,

Chains, booty everywhere,
and I love booty,

Especially when it's everywhere.
You know what I'm saying?

And I wanted to do that.
He was on a yacht, doing it all

And I'm like, "I'ma do that."
so when I made my first cheque,

I called on my homies
and I was like,

"yo, we're gonna do
the big pimpin' video."

They was like, "yeah!"
so we went down to miami,

I got all my homies,
got all the girls, the money.

We got a yacht.
I think it was a yacht.

I don't know yachts that well,

But it was a yacht to me
until somebody said,

"this ain't a yacht,
this a boat."

And I said, "walk the plank,
mother f..."

And then he... He's like,
"there ain't no plank on here"

And I pushed him.
I ain't never seen him again.

(laughing)

But it was the best day
of my life, man.

I was pouring champagne,
booty was everywhere,

I was crying real hard

And jay-z didn't do that
in the video at all.

Have you ever cried
next to a woman twerking
with all her might?

It ain't cool-looking,
you know what I mean?

"go ahead girl."

"what's wrong with him?"

So I asked my white friends

How they found their therapists,
you know.

And they were like,
"yo, it's like dating, chris.

Sometimes you gotta go
through a few

Until you find the one
that's right for you."

And that... That gave me
a lot of anxiety, you know
what I mean?

'cause what if I find
a therapist, a black therapist

Who can speak
to my life experience,
you know what I mean?

And we hit it off,
we have a great relationship

And then all of a sudden,
it gets rocky,

Like all relationships do.
Then we break up.

So I picked deborah.
White, 75, hair on her chin,

She don't know nobody I know.

(laughing)

You can have
all my secrets, deborah,

I'm triggered as hell, dog.

We do not run in the same
circles me and deborah.

My circle rappers, comedians,
degenerates.

Her circle? Dead, probably.
I don't know.

(laughing)

She was the first person
to tell me I had anxiety.

I have anxiety, adhd
and depression.

And I'm black in america.
It's a whole lot going on here.

But she was the first person
to tell me I had anxiety.

I said, "say something else
about me..."

"what you think this is,
deborah?"

She said, "deflecting."
I'm like, "you're right."

(laughing)

All my therapy sessions
have been over zoom

So I'm not sure
if my therapist has legs.

(laughing)

Now, I assume she has legs
because a lot of people

I know have legs, but I also
know there's a legless community

Because I'm not ignorant!

Wake up, sir.

There's no visual proof she has
legs, you know what I'm saying?

She's never walked
into a zoom, you know?

She started every zoom settled,
you know what I mean?

And there's no professional way
to ask a woman

If she has legs.

You can't even comment
on the legs they do have

When you see them.

I tried to trick her
one time on a zoom,

I tried to trick her, man.
I tried to act like

Somebody was in her house
so she'd get up to go check.

I was like, "ooh,
somebody's in there."

She's like, "ain't nobody
back there."

I'm like, "damn."

I meet her in three weeks
for the first time in real life

And if she don't have legs,
I have to act like I knew that.

We've all been there,
when you show up

And you see somebody they got
something you didn't expect,

You know the rules,
full eye contact,

Don't even look down,
don't even mention legs
until she mentions legs.

And my therapist
can't stand that joke.

(laughing)
thank you all very much!

(cheering)

(upbeat music)

- Hey guys, denis leary here,
happy anniversary,

The 40th anniversary of
just for laughs,

I can't believe it's been that
long and I want to personally

Thank you guys 'cause
you had me there in 1991

When nobody knew who I was and
it was a big success

And that led to no cure
for cancer opening off broadway

Two months later in new york

And selling out
from opening night,

Which really made my career
take off.

And two other career highlights
you gave me,

1997 I came back and I sang
the asshole song

With the leader of celine dion's
band on stage at the gala,

That was huge.

And the biggest,
maybe one of the biggest

Moments of my career,

In 2002, when I shared
the stage at the gala

With yvan cournoyer and
phil esposito,

My own mini summit series
reunion.

So thanks a lot, guys,
and thanks for letting me play

Ball hockey with you guys
whenever I come to montreal

'cause I believe
I'm a plus five.

(upbeat music)

(upbeat music)

- Next up,
a just for laughs favourite,
fortune feimster.

- Woo! Montreal,
you're beautiful.

Oh man, we have had a lot
of fun making jokes

At just for laugh's expense.

But she's a big girl,
she can handle it.

But it all comes
from a place of love.

On behalf of every performer
who's ever been fortunate enough

To have been part of
this festival, let me say this.

Nothing compares
to just for laughs.

It's the largest festival in
the world for a reason, right?

(cheering)
yes. That's right.

I made my first appearance
at this festival back in 2010

And I've been lucky enough to be
invited back several times since

With different jokes,
same haircut.

(laughing)

It never gets less special
to be here,

Making it one of the rare things
in comedy that ages well.

I can honestly say,
if not for just for laughs,

I would not be where I am today.

Because where I am today is on
this stage at just for laughs.

(laughing)

(cheering)

So from the bottom of my heart,
thank you.

Thank you just for laughs
for 40 years of comedy magic

And I'll see all of you
back here in 10 years

For the 50th anniversary show,

Which I am proud to announce,
I've been booked to appear on.

By me, just now.

(cheering)

So I'll see you in 10 years,
just for laughs.

I will be the one with
this haircut,

It will not change.

And now to close out our show,
we have a very special guest.

The only things more beloved
in this country

Than this next gentleman
are hockey fights and beer.

So please welcome
the og of canadian comedy,

The goat, rick mercer!

(cheering)

(upbeat music)

- Thank you.

Thank you very much.

Thank you very much!

I know what you're thinking,
my god, what happened to him?

The vaccine did this.

It is so great to be here
for the just for laughs

40th anniversary, what a legacy.

What a legacy!

(cheering)

40 years of creating laughs,

40 years of being on tv
six times a day,

Always after midnight.

But you know, we need
to laugh now more than ever.

I have never seen
our country so divided,

And you really notice it now
that things have opened up.

Extended families are getting
together for gatherings

Or getting together
at events like tonight

And someone's always saying,
"everything is gonna be fine,

As long as we don't talk
about politics.

Everyone's gonna get along
as long as no one brings up

Justin trudeau in front
of your uncle gary."

So, let's not talk about
politics.

Let's talk about something
less controversial.

Let's talk about religion.

Organized religion.

I'm talking about crossfit.

(laughing)

Do you know who's big
into crossfit?

Pierre poilievre.

Yes, the saviour of the canadian
conservative party,

Pierre poilievre.
He says he's doing crossfit

To help him prepare
to be prime minister of canada.

Because you never know
in a crisis

When you might have to flip over
a tractor tire in the driveway.

(laughing)

He's wanted to be prime minister
his entire life,

He's never done anything else
but politics.

In fact, there's no evidence

That he's ever actually
held a real job.

And by that, there's no evidence
he's ever done anything

That you or I
would consider work.

There's no evidence
that he ever washed dishes

Or waited tables
or delivered a newspaper

Or shovelled a driveway,

But he says work experience
is not important

Because he has life experience.

On his website he's...

The part where he talks about
his real-life experience,

He points out that he's a
long-time member of the legion.

Like he's served in
the military.

Look, I'm a big fan
of the legion,

But just to be clear,
anyone can join.

It's like costco.

Of course, pierre has strong
views on which fighter jet

Canada needs to protect
our sovereignty,

After all, he is a member
of aeroplan.

(laughing)

Of course, airports all over
the world now are in chaos,

All over the world.
But when it comes to chaos,

Toronto is now number one.

Now don't worry, montreal,

You were certainly in
the running for worst airport.

You came very close, but in
the end, toronto had you beat.

It's a great rivalry
between two storied airports,

Toronto and montreal.

It's like the habs
and the leafs.

And in the end, toronto
will always be the best

At being the worst.

(cheering)

But I tell you this,
I feel bad for pearson.

I feel bad for pearson,
not the airport, the man.

Lester b. Person,
canada's 14th prime minister,

He won the nobel peace prize,
for god's sake.

He solved the suez crisis.
He was loved wherever he went.

And now, all anyone says is
"god, I hate pearson!"

"pearson is awful! Everyone stay
away from pearson."

Used to be,
if you googled pearson,

You'd be reminded that
he gave us the flag,

That he got us
universal healthcare.

Google him now, you get page one
of the star saying,

"pearson killed my dog."

Having an airport named
after you is a terrible idea

If you're a politician.

So this is my proposal.
We stop naming airports

After politicians
who have done big things.

We name airports after
politicians who've done nothing,

Who just stick around
long enough to get their pension

And then sneak off
to the private sector

Under the cloud of scandal.

Then you can say,
"of course, I'm in a bad mood,

I just flew in
to denis coderre."

(cheering)

Astronauts have it
figured out.

They've got it figured out.

They get high schools named
after them.

They all do.

Chris hadfield has a school,
marc garneau has a school.

Even julie payette has a school.

Julie payette
who famously said,

"in space, no one can
hear you scream...

At the staff."

(applause)

But...

Do you know who I think they
should name the schools after?

The teachers.

In my book, the teachers
are the heroes.

Are they not?

I could never be a teacher,
especially these days.

In my days, teachers,
they just taught, right?

In the states now, they want
to arm the teachers.

Ever see a teacher
try to operate a vcr?

Do you remember that?

You'd be sitting in class,
dreading the fact that class

Was about to start
and the door would open

And the teacher would come in,
but he'd be coming in backwards

And he'd be dragging
that big metal rack

With a giant vcr
on the lower shelf...

And he couldn't drive
that thing,

It'd be banging off walls,

Knocking children
out of their seats,

Running over their little legs.

All he's trying to do was
show an episode

Of the nature of things
and children are getting maimed.

They can't arm teachers.

My god, I had a teacher
in grade 3,

Every time she wanted
a window open she would call

For an older boy in grade 6
'cause she couldn't operate

Anything with a latch.

"could someone get
a grade-6 boy in here,

I can't get this thing
out of my holster?"

But I would name schools
after teachers

Because a teacher in grade 10
changed my life.

If it wasn't for her, god knows
where I would have ended up.

And you know,
teachers never get the credit.

The only time teachers
get credit, believe it or not,

Is on awards shows.

Right? Actors love
to get up on stage

And get all emotional and say,

"I owe it all to miss brandon."

You never hear that
from people on the stand

Who are being sentenced
to 12 years in prison.

"why did I burn down city hall,
your honour?

I owe it all to miss brandon,

Who told me if I can dream it
I can do it."

Which is exactly what my teacher
told me and look at me now,

I'm at the 40th anniversary
of just for laughs.

(cheering)

And I...

Please god,
I will be at the 50th,

But I tell ya, next time,
I'm skipping pearson

And flying directly
into poilievre.

(laughing)

Well, ladies and gentlemen,
that is our show,

Thank you for being here and
for watching at home.

Happy anniversary,
just for laughs,

Have a good night.

(cheering)

Thank you very much.

(theme music)

Subtitling: Difuze