Original subtitles

Oh shit.

Oh, no, no.

Is my phone covered on your insurance?

No.

Why would it be?

Are you drunk?

You look drunk.

No

We've got some family news.

Are you with Bunny?

No, I don't know where Bunny is.

OK.

We're gonna have to try something else.

So, I've got some news, Meg.

OK.

Sara's pregnant.

Oh, dude, I'm sorry.

How far along is she?

Wasn't a mistake, Meg.

We're very happy about it.

Oh, shit, right.

Yeah, so what you think then, Meg?

You'll be an auntie.

You'll be Auntie Meg.

Yeah.

Oh shit!

Bollocks! - Are you pleased?

No!

Thanks a bunch, Meg.

Screw you, world.

Ow.

Ouch. Ow.

Ouch.

Well, this is just, frankly just baffling.

I've never had to do this before,

but I'm gonna have to ask that we stop having sex.

Um, that's OK.

I'll tell you what...

I'm in town for a couple of weeks.

Why don't we swap numbers?

Here you go.

Give me a call when you're feeling better, Bunny.

Oh, will do, handsome.

Who was that?

Just some incredibly hot guy that I

couldn't have sex with because it was too painful.

Emotionally?

Physically.

Probably down to the fact that I haven't had of shit in a week.

Prunes?

All-Bran?

A doctor?

But I'll see needy people, and they make me sad.

Bunny, something terrible happened.

You've broken your laptop and your phone.

Yeah.

But something even more devastating.

Sara's pregnant.

Is she keeping it?

That's what I said.

Yes.

Auntie Meg.

Now, there's a boner killer if ever I heard one.

I know.

My little brother is married and procreating,

and all I have to show for myself is a mostly

fictitious CV and a sponsored dolphin who,

frankly, I don't think exists.

But your troll collection is incomparable.

Cheers, mate.

Have you seen Laura?

No.

Call her.

I'll call her.

Yeah, both of them just stopped

working on the same day.

Let's start with the laptop.

Did you spill something in this?

Doubt it.

Someone definitely did.

Oh, well, um, I did lend it to a friend.

Does your friend like drinking red wine?

What?

She is an absolutely cunny, mate.

Right.

Let's take a look at the phone.

Oh.

I think we both know that that's piss.

Well, it could be anything. - It's...

Yeah, yeah, no, that's piss.

Yeah.

Lazy bowels?

Take these laxatives, and when you have a movement,

you'll need to retain a stool sample

and bring back that back.

So you want me to put my turd in this pod,

And then give it back to you?

Yes.

Oh, how awful.

And you'll need to avoid everything on this list.

Sugar, caffeine, alcohol...

But it's a list of everything that's nice.

Yes.

Just avoid eating or drinking anything nice.

That.

Should do it.

Oh.

Morning.

We thought you'd been kidnapped.

Well, I did.

Meg thought you'd fallen asleep on the night bus again.

Toilet cubicle.

Saw Gary on Instagram with some slag...

Went on a rampage.

- Who were you even out with? - Me mum.

She's still going.

Just got a text from her calling me boring.

Am I boring?

Just don't feel like drinking anymore.

I'm gonna detox for it.

Seriously?

Yeah.

Oh, yea, well this is just perfect,

because I'm off the sauce, too.

Let's all detox together.

We can go to a hot yoga, can meditate, we can make recipes

from Gwyneth Paltrow's blog.

That sounds shite.

But yeah, I will save money and look amazing in skinny jeans.

I will not let Gary win this break up.

Yeah, and if I'm not constantly drunk,

then I'll stop breaking all my things.

It's time to binge on being sober.

Sober binge.

Mhm.

Stretch.

Stretch, Meg.

And lengthen.

Whoopsie.

Oh, fuck's sake.

Done.

We're signed up.

Wahey!

Well, got through one whole day of detox,

and we've signed up to the mud marathon

with the intention of actually doing it.

It's "mara-thun."

We're smashing it, guys.

So what should we do to distract ourselves tonight, team?

Ooh, I know.

We can make healthy soups for the week

and freeze it in batches.

I'm off out.

Yeah, me too.

Got a hot sex date with corner shop guy.

You better then?

No, I'm still bunged up, but I got some painkillers,

so I'm gonna power through.

Not a phrase to be used in relation to sex, surely.

Look, I just need some Penny P, mate.

You know when you just need the pen, and nothing else will do?

Yeah.

It's too fucking painful because my bowels

are backed up.

Ahh, I mean that is some extraordinary detail, isn't it?

Even for family.

I guess he'll just have to eat me out

if the worst comes to the worst.

If the worst comes the worst, yeah.

What about you, Laura?

Turns out when I were lashed,

I went on a Tinder rampage.

Now I've got a fistful of killer offers from fit blokes.

Feel like it will take my mind off not boozing.

So you're going on a sober Tinder date.

Yikes.

I'm going to pick a really healthy

looking one who probably doesn't drink.

What are you gonna do, Meg?

Not sure.

I'll think of something cool to do.

It's lovely to have you with us on a Saturday night.

Oh, no thank you.

I'm not drinking.

You're not pregnant, are you, Meg?

Hmph.

Thank God.

Not sure the world's quite ready for that yet.

So why are you really here, Meg?

What was canceled?

Oh, you didn't get stood up did you, love?

Internet dating... it's very harsh, isn't it?

They come in, take one look at you,

and leave if you're not conventionally attractive.

Nobody stood me up, thank you.

Nothing was canceled except my invitation

to this family dinner, clearly.

No, Meg, we just didn't want to rub it in.

Rub what in?

The news.

What would you be rubbing in, exactly?

Because I'm doing fine.

We just didn't want you to feel, um, not inferior...

- Inadequate. - No.

Lonely.

No.

Oh, uh, aimless. - Yes, that's the one.

That's it! Yes.

That's it.

Would an aimless person be doing a marathon in two weeks?

It's "mara-thun."

You're doing a marathon?

Well, it's not actually a marathon,

but it's like a marathon, except it's actually harder.

Ow.

Ouch. Ah.

Are you OK? - Yup.

Do you want me to stop?

No. Keep going.

OK.

Oh, just, just...

I'm really not comfortable with this.

It just doesn't sound very consensual.

No, no, no, it's fine.

I'm just, um, really sensitive down there.

Maybe it's because I'm so small, and you're so big.

Well, what if I just kept to the outside area?

Played in the garden, as it were?

Oh, by all means, you can play in the garden

as much as you like.

Just don't bring the ball into the house?

OK.

Oh.

Oh my, oh my...

Suppose that'll do.

Woo.

I'm not being funny, but It's just great to meet

a fellow fitness fanatic.

We don't need booze to have a great time.

What people don't realize is that alcohol

is just empty calories anyways.

I'll tell you what is funny.

I could hardly lift a 20-pound dumbbell,

so I had to work on my strength without hitting the weights.

But now I can bench three by ten sets of 110 pounds.

That is funny.

So what's your favorite weight?

Oh, God.

Oh, thank you, yoga.

Oh no.

My poo.

I forgot my poo.

I haven't lost my room key.

I never had one in the first place.

It's his room.

I was his guest.

What What room number?

I don't know.

OK, what name?

Yeah, I don't know.

I can't help you if you don't know the name of the person

you shared a room with.

Look, I really need to get back into that room quite

urgently.

It's a medical matter.

Can't your agency just call him on his mobile?

Agency?

Oh, how rude!

It's not like that, thanks.

I just need to take something from his room

without him noticing.

Then I definitely can't help you.

I left him a poo in a cup, guys...

A poo in a cup.

Yeah, there's no way of styling that out.

Detoxing is a nightmare.

I know what you mean.

Have you seen how shit Leeds is in the sober light of day?

I'm not being dramatic.

I am starting to think, without booze, what's

the point in life?

Not a successful date then?

Oh no, I shagged him.

He's a personal trainer, Meg so I'm not gonna pass

up an opportunity like that.

What did you do last night, Meg?

I stayed in with my parents.

You cracked then?

No, actually.

I told my parents we're doing the mud marathon in two weeks.

It's "mara-thun."

We actually signed up for that, didn't we?

Yeah, I mean they didn't believe me, obviously.

They said we were lazy millennials who

couldn't commit to anything.

They're right, of course.

Yes, but wouldn't it be nice to prove them wrong?

Think of the Instagram followers.

I do keep imagining how jealous Gary

would be if I got even fitter.

And we could do it for charity.

And then boast about it afterwards.

Should we do it?

I know who can help us.

Let's go.

Ah.

Ah.

Agh!

Why?

Bloody hell, Meg.

Are you all right?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Vomiting is just a completely natural side

effect of exercise, apparently.

I have got tell you, Meg, people

have been asking after you.

And for once I've been able to tell them the truth.

Huh.

Right, well, that's good, isn't it?

This is Terry from the Yorkshire Business Board.

And we want to sponsor you

ladies, ten grand if you'll be willing to run

for the children's charity we're affiliated with.

Sounds Sounds a bit Savile.

Yes, thank you, Terry.

We would love to do that.

My secretary will be in touch.

Hey, Meg, this might work out all right for me in all,

you know.

Might be my way onto the board.

I owe you one.

Uh, did he just say children's charity?

Oh God, that sounds like a lot of presh, Meg.

I might bail.

Am I?

Yeah, I'm bailing.

Uh, no!

You can't bail.

I have a very painful medical condition, actually.

What, selfishness?

Sorry, Meg, but FYI, having sluggish bowels

is no laughing matter.

Look, Bunny, whenever I think of not doing something hard,

I think of the profile pic.

This is a belter.

Oh, it's Oh, it's going to look totally apocalypto chic.

Mud's sexy.

It reminds men of when women just

crawled around on the ground.

Yes.

Come on.

Cheers.

You've made us really proud for a change.

Stop saying for a change.

We're not actually staying for our pudding,

but you three can have whatever you want.

And we'll see you bright and early at the start line,

all right. - Bye.

See you later.

Bye now.

Night.

Aw.

That's nice.

Oh, shit, Laura, don't look now.

Gary's just walked in. - Shit.

Shit!

Distract me.

Three of those.

Uh.

Er, uh.

Pretend I said something funny.

Louder!

Both of you.

Ha!

He's coming, he's coming, he's coming.

He's here.

He's here.

Hello, Laura, girls.

Hi, Gary.

Hi.

You look nice, Laura.

Yeah, I know I do.

Why are you dressed so smart?

Been in court?

- I'm on a date. - Pfft.

Ha!

Where is this minger.

No, serious, have you been working out?

Because I saw it on Facebook, you're

doing a marathon, something.

It's harder than a marathon, actually.

And yeah, I work out every day now.

I've got a personal trainer.

Very personal, if you know what I mean.

I'm boning him.

And I've stopped drinking.

It's just empty calories.

This is just a coffee.

Well, lovely to see you all.

Excuse me.

Excuse me.

Ugh.

Who the fuck does he think he is?

Lord fucking Downton Abbey or something?

I thought you handled that really well.

- Did I? - Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You were so cool.

So cool.

Cheers.

I'm... I'm nailing this break-up.

Oh, you're nailing it.

She's nailing it.

Should get another round of these cold coffee things.

Mmm.

All right, well, let's just drink these quickly.

And then we have to go to bed.

Although I don't feel tired.

I actually feel amazing.

Yeah, me too.

Must be all the exercise and the caffeine.

Or the booze.

The what now?

The booze.

It's vodka.

Uh, you said these were coffees.

Yeah, coffee and vodka.

What do you think an espresso martini is?

Booze, mate.

Fucking rocket fuel.

No, you're joking.

Shit.

I thought you knew.

One more for the road?

What are we doing?

This is our youth, Meg!

This is our youth!

Six, seven, eight, nine.

Oh, no.

I can't do this.

I'm bailing.

No, you can't.

Everybody's here.

Look.

Even the kids from the charity.

We've got to do this.

Fucking Gary showed up.

I've gotta do it now.

Here.

Was that vodka?

We can't run it drunk.

Can we?

It's the only way.

Power through.

Oh!

You little fucker.

Go on, Meg!

Look at her go, yeah.

Oh, yeah!

Oh, ow!

Ahh!

Ugh!

Ahh!

Ooh.

Ahh!

You all right there, Meg?

Around the bend.

Come on!

Bunny!

I'm sorry.

It's really loosened things up.

Make it stop.

Oh, look.

Come on, Meg!

Come on!

Ha!

Serves you right, dickhead.

Ouch.

You hurt my knee.

Oh.

Where are the loos? Where are the loos?

That way.

That way.

She started it.

Oh.

You still look fit, though.

Ugh.

Laura.

Laura!

Bunny!

Hey, you.

What are you doing here?

I came in seventh.

I saw you at the start line and thought I'd wait.

You didn't give me a chance to say goodbye last time.

I know.

I'm so, so sorry about the...

What?

- The thing that I left. - Did you leave something?

I had to run off to work.

Maybe the cleaners have got it.

Do you want me to call the hotel and ask?

No!

God, thank God, thank God.

I'm so sorry.

I just need to just...

Hey, I've got the hotel room for one more night.

We can get some champagne, and...

I'd love to.

I just have can you just give me two minu...

- Wait. - Mm.

Mm.

Mm.

Ah!

That's not mud, is it?

Ugh.

Oh.

Ew.

Champagne.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

Let us never speak of this again.

None of it.

Apart from this bit.

You got there in the end.

Well done.