Original subtitles

Oh, you know you're gonna get it 'cause it's

hot right now, hot right now.

Turn it up right now.

Put your hands in the air if you want it right now.

Hey oh, hey oh, hot...

Sorries I'm late.

Bus driver wouldn't let me on. - Why not?

'Cause I didn't have the fare.

I need a break, Meg.

I need to win the lottery, or do a kiss

and tell, or have a bad accident,

get a compensation pay out.

Well, we can all dream, Laura.

Sorry, taxi was late.

You can't afford taxis.

It was Hugh's idea.

Oh?

We needed a bit more time in bed.

I'm ever so sore.

Nice.

Why are you sore?

Well, Meg, when two people love each other very much...

OK, you don't love him.

Excuse me, yes, I love Hugh.

Ha, thanks, I love you, too.

You can't love him.

You've only just met.

When you meet him, you'll understand.

He's sexy, and sweet, and generous.

He's taking all for lunch today.

Really?

Oh, hello, green eyed monster Klaxon.

I'm not jealous.

Come on.

I know you haven't had a boyfriend in tres ages.

It's not a big deal.

It's just a dry patch.

It's a fucking desert, mate.

When was the last time you had some pen?

Pen?

Pen.

Penny P. Penetration.

When was the last time an actual penis

went in your vagina?

- Bunny! - Answer.

I don't know.

It's 10, 12...

- Days? - No.

Weeks?

No, Laura.

Fucking hell.

10 years? - Months.

Why are you missing out months?

Oh, right.

10 month.

10 month?

Well, actually, I think it's more like 12.

Look, honestly, it doesn't bother me.

It's the least of my worries at the moment.

You need to get back on the horse, Meg.

I think there are more important things for me

to get back on, actually, like career ladders,

and a course of Prozac.

Priorities, Meg.

12 months?

Yeah, you know, after a while it seals itself up.

It's not a piercing.

Oh, god.

This thing is slicing me in two.

Camel toe check?

Uh, affirmative.

It's borderline pornographic, mate.

Can't believe no one's wanted to shag you for 12 months.

It's a choice!

I don't want to be one of these sluts who

just sleeps with anyone, no offense to you guys.

I know how you feel.

I'm picky, too.

Hm.

You want me to show you how to pick up lads, I will.

It's a piece of piece.

Can I just say, I'm not desperate.

So I might not seal the deal very often,

but flirting is my forte.

Is it?

Famously.

OK, guys, we need up to 1,000 entries for the big draw

and then we can all go home.

Can we?

You all right, Meg?

Big time.

Don't worry about me, hot stuff.

That's a nickname that I have for you.

Let's just stick with Josh.

Anyway, as I was saying, today is the big draw.

So we needs lots of entrants in to win the car.

So you're just asking people if they want to enter.

Meg was actually wondering if you wanted

to enter her for the big draw.

No, that's not allowed.

I can't enter Meg.

You can't enter Meg?

No, of course not.

So you... you definitely don't want to enter Meg.

Trust me, it's not worth it.

Uh, if I find any of you cheating,

you'll find yourselves working elsewhere.

Doesn't bear thinking about.

And you must wipe down these..

You don't know what germs the general public

are harboring... swine flu, bird flu, mad cow, AIDS.

Malcolm, you can't catch AIDS from a..

Let's just keep things nice and tidy around here.

You're tidy.

- Sorry? - Nothing.

I didn't say anything.

Flirting is your forte.

OK, that wasn't my best work.

Maybe he's just not into lanky weirdos.

- You're aiming too high, Meg. - Come on.

He's like, a seven.

Exactly.

You're a six, max.

You could be a seven, but you lose

points for being desperate. - What?

Think of it this way, right?

Did Katie Price go through a dry patch

then just snap up Peter Andre like that?

No.

She had to sift through Dane Bowers and Ace on "Gladiators"

first.

Right.

Everyone does a dry run, Meg.

OK, well a dry run does sound a bit more fun

than a dry patch.

What, so I need to aim low, like what, a six?

Five?

Four? Really?

Seriously, mate.

The lower the better.

I mean, I do see the logic.

Well, no time like the present.

Come on. Not here.

I'm dressed like a shit "Kill Bill."

Meg, this is Leeds City Center.

The place is teeming with low-hanging fruit.

Get picking.

Oh, target!

Target approaching.

Oh my god, I know him.

He used to be my halls at uni.

Who is he?

- He's called Sweaty Tom. - Oh, god.

Course he is.

Oh, yeah, Meg.

That's perfect lower grade shit, easy.

Tom!

Hi!

Oh, hey, Bunny.

What are you doing here?

I'm just visiting family in Harrogate.

We just came up the M1.

But mum accidentally came off early, so we

went for a sandwich in Thirsk.

I just had ham. - Oh, yeah, Meg.

That's definitely a five.

I was going to have to have cheese but...

Look at that sweat.

I don't really like cheese.

Brilliant And he's talking about sandwich fillings.

I prefer just to eat the ham.

He's perfect.

I'm going in.

It was quite nice.

Hi.

You shouldn't have.

Actually my auntie just died.

Yikes.

Sorry, Tom.

This is my cousin, Meg.

Pleased to meet me.

And not Laura.

OK, so, hit me.

What do you want to talk to me about?

Ask me anything.

You studied law, didn't you, Tom?

Law?

Law?

How's the law?

I don't know.

I did art. - Oh?

Picasso.

Chop me ear off.

Van Gogh.

So, Tom, what are you doing tonight?

What am I doing tonight?

Well, actually, my mate's DJing at a house party.

OK, good.

Meg would like to come to that.

Really?

Right.

OK.

You'd love that, wouldn't you?

So text Bunny the address and we'll meet you there at 8:00.

OK.

It's a date.

Or is it?

Casual.

Cas.

See later, then.

Did you see me?

Did you see me punching below my weight?

You're right.

It does feel good.

Possibly interest you in a car...

Is it a man or a woman?

Hang on. It's a man.

- Man. - All right.

Philips Goldfield.

No.

Excuse me sir, may I interest you in our competition today?

Get fucked, princess.

- Yep, will do. - Is it a politician?

- Yes. - Well, I'm not playing then.

I don't know who that is.

Whoa, Laura, you've done loads.

I've only got one.

Just my job.

So watch and learn.

All right, do you want to win a car?

You'll have to speak up, love.

Car.

Do you want it.

Yes, please.

Fill this in then.

OK.

And don't forget your bank details.

What'd she say?

Bank, details, for the prize money, I expect.

OK.

The aren't any prize money.

It's a 6 pound entry charge.

And make sure you sign it.

Speak up, love.

Nothing.

On your way.

Come back for the draw.

Easy.

This is not cricket.

Hi, could we get a menu, please?

- Ah, Meg, this is Hugh. - What?

- What? - Hi, Meg.

And that's Laura.

So, Hugh, what do you do?

I'm retired.

And it's more a case of who do I do at the moment.

Let's order some food.

Oh, have whatever you like.

It's on me.

I've got some coupons to use up.

I'm not hungry anymore.

Have you taken your tablet?

Well remembered.

One before lunch.

Arthritis.

Right

So, Meg, Bunny tells me you've got a date tonight.

Who's the lucky chap?

Well he's called Sweaty Tom.

He's really dull.

He's only about a five.

He's basically idea.

Meg's on a dry run.

It's just a kind of temporary measure.

You know, filler.

- So to speak. - Hugh!

Sorry.

Gosh, I have to say, I'm learning.

I had no idea girls did that.

Yeah, they do.

Sometimes they don't even realize when they're doing it.

Give a light.

Help the aged in there, Bunny.

You don't understand.

He's kinky as fuck.

He gets all fifty shades in the bedroom.

Well, he's definitely very gray.

Look, I really love him.

He's my boyfriend.

Boyfriend?

Pensioner friend.

- So I'm dating an older man. - Old man.

You're dating an old man.

He's not old!

He has a walking stick.

It's a staff!

And you are ageist!

OK, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls,

without further ado, draw time!

Right, and the winner Zara Debenhams?

Zara Debenhams?

Do I have a Zara Debenhams?

She must have gone home.

Can I still do the photo?

Oh, um...

Yeah.

Yeah.

"Northern Lights" magazine this, Meg.

Take a picture of me having my picture taken so I can

use it as my profile picture.

Right, Professor Megan, that gentleman over there

is a doctor.

And yes, you can catch AIDS from a..

If the was inserted into the anus of an AIDS victim

and was then inserted into the mouth of a healthy person, who

just so happened to have an open wound on the mouth,

such as a cold sore.

Case closed.

Meg, you're team leader, aren't you?

Uh, yes.

And I have the extra eight pounds a month to prove it.

Great.

We need you to take the car to the winner's house.

You can take somebody with you.

Ah, right.

I see.

Shall we?

I need to stay here.

Yeah, I know.

This looks like one of those villages people

go to on their gap years.

You have reached your destination.

God, what a dump.

Laura, that's your mum's house.

My mum?

Oh, yeah.

That's mad.

I didn't even realize.

Laura, no.

Tell me you didn't.

Surprise!

I did! I won it!

I won the car!

Oh, darling, that's wonderful!

Congratulations!

Laura, no.

This is fraud!

We'll go to prison!

Oh my god, I'm aiding and abetting fraud.

Don't be such a sore loser, Meg.

I won it.

Let's go to the party in it.

Bunny, tell her!

I said well done.

You cannot take this car.

Technically this is joyriding!

Meg, I am not a criminal!

Oh, look.

There's Sweaty Tom.

Ah, you moron.

Tom!

Tom!

Tom!

Hi.

Is this the car from the shopping center?

No, you're dreaming, mate.

Get off our backs about it.

Whose party is this?

Dunno.

My mate's a DJ.

Should be fine.

Is it fancy dress?

No.

Then why are all these people dressed as children?

Is that alcohol?

Yep.

Oh, this party's out of control.

Is it?

Who even are you?

I can't believe randoms are here.

It's OK.

I'm with Tom.

Who, the sweaty guy?

Yeah, I was at uni with him.

Oh my god.

That must mean you're like, 21.

No, actually, I'm 24.

Wow.

That's so creepy.

You're so old.

I have to tweet that.

Well, you're a sad virgin, probably.

I'm 15.

At least I don't have a massive camel toe.

My mum shrunk them when she did my washing for me!

What the hell?

I'm looking for Bunny.

Hello, you!

I am out of here.

Do you mind?

You're kind of killing the vibe.

She's in a retirement home.

What is wrong with people?

It's so ageist. - Well, yes.

But I don't think it's just that.

I mean, I used to teach some of this lot, too.

What do you mean, too?

Oh, I was worried you hadn't realized.

Hi, Rasheen.

Bunny, don't you remember me?

No.

I was your teacher.

At?

Dillard Junior.

Oh?

What, primary school?

Well, no wonder I don't remember.

Such a small world.

So you don't think it's weird?

Um, no, why?

Is it weird?

Not to me.

You always were a naughty girl.

OK, I think it might be weird.

I'm just going to go check with the girls.

Back in a sec.

See me at the end!

So.

So.

Here I am.

Yeah.

Here you are.

Here we both are.

Sorry, am I making you nervous?

No, uh, I always sweat like this.

Cool.

Look, I, uh, just want to say, whatever you're thinking

about us, not to put too fine a point on that,

but uh, don't think I wouldn't, you know, just 'cause

of the whole six five thing.

I'm just going to get a drink.

You've got a full one here!

Meg, I need a word.

OK, so, if you were sleeping with someone,

and you thought that you loved them,

and then you found out that they were your old primary school

teacher, what would you do?

Oh my god, Huh?

Mr. Morris?

He's from Dillard Junior!

I knew I recognized him.

I don't remember him.

Well, you never turned up.

I was just going to ask if you thought it was creepy.

Laura, what do you think?

The beacon of morality.

I feel physically sick.

It's a bit Hugh-tery mate.

Hugh-tery.

So, what's the verdict?

Creepy.

It's monumentally creepy.

Why do people always say this?

You sound just like the PTA.

It is not creepy to take an interest in young people,

especially if the feeling is mutual.

Hm.

I mean, I suppose it was creepy

that I chose to run netball club,

like it was creepy that I did a gym knicker check.

There is nothing creepy about having your favorites,

watching them ripen, then contacting them online

once they're of legal age.

Yeah.

Can you leave now, Mr. Morris.

Isn't it illegal, though?

Should we report him to the police?

Uh, no, technically it's not illegal, not like say,

stealing a car.

Everyone nick's stuff from work, Meg.

Besides, it's just a driving offense.

Cars.

People don't nick cars from work, Laura.

This is a criminal offense.

It's called Grand Theft Auto.

No, Meg.

That's a computer game in America, not real, obviously.

The most we'll get is points on our licenses.

Our licenses?

No, this is your scam.

I'm not prepared to be an accessory to your crime, Laura.

Or should that be Zara Debenhams?

Why are you being such a boner about it?

No offense, but this is total scambodia.

Fine.

I'll sort it out meself, then.

God, call yourself mates.

- Unbelievable. - I know.

Where's she going? I need a lift.

I need to shower. I feel dirty.

Oh, whoa, wait.

Don't go.

Look, Tom doesn't seem interested, at all, in anyway.

But flirting is your forte.

Well, I must be rustier than I thought.

You can't even pull a five?

Oh em Jesus, Meg, I am humiliated for you.

OK, look, I need tips, a quick fix.

What do I talk to him about?

He's a bloke, Meg...

Playstation, football, lesbians.

Just be cool.

Playstation, football.

Right, back on the horse.

Neigh.

Noo.

Oh.

Hi.

So, what were you doing in there then, just being fit?

Oh, is that all up now?

I mean, I do like watching people puke.

But it's no playing football, do you know what I mean?

You play football?

Which position?

Well, I think it's more of a spectator sport, isn't it?

Oh, right, yeah.

Who do you support?

Britain.

When they're playing.

That last match... plonker.

But I do prefer to unwind on, say, the Playstation.

Oh, yeah?

Big time gamer.

I do actually play the Sims a lot.

Do you want to see my impression of a Sim?

No.

You fucking geek.

Um, got to go and do something else.

Lesbians!

Where?

I was just remembering because I've had loads

of girl on girl experiences.

Really?

Who with?

Bunny.

We do it all the time.

I'm just constantly licking her out.

Aren't you two related?

Just cousins.

Is that OK?

Shall we take it upstairs?

Yeah.

Sorry about this.

It's just my ex-boyfriend still lives here.

I thought you said you were a lesbian.

I am now.

That could be why we broke up.

So that's why I live here in a loft,

like Anne Frank, a lesbian, famously.

Sorry.

Do you mind if we don't tell anyone about it?

Why, have you got a girlfriend?

No, but it's just, you know, one must know.

Why?

Well, I wouldn't want people to find out.

What?

But I'm punching below my weight.

OK, then.

Uh, excuse me, yes I am.

Because I haven't had sex in 12 months.

And you're just a sweaty horse.

Right.

Is this a sexy role play thing?

Get out of my loft!

Loft

OK, going.

Actually, my hands are kind of wet.

Have you got a towel.

I'll see myself out then.

Hi Mark.

Hi Meg.

Hi Mark.

Have you been crying?

No.

Can I uh, help you with absolutely anything at all?

You've got some stuck to your cheek.

Do you want to come in?

No.

Tell me you took the car back.

Not exactly.

Bernard!

Oh!

Look!

Swiped some wine on the way out, naughty.

Bottle opener?

Mark's room.

Begs you not me.

I know how to open it with a lighter.

Oh, no.

That's beer.

Oh, you tit!

Sink!

Bunny, put the plug in!

I think this is how the French do it.

So, tell us about the dry run, Meg.

Sweaty room?

Oh, oh, it was very sexy.

Bloody pair of animals, we were.

- Nothing happened did it? - No.

Oh, this is a new low.

Um, hang on, she stole the car.

True.

That was not a great move.

Sorry, coming from the girl who's been shagging

her primary school teacher.

Let's take the piss out of Meg again.

Um, I've just been rejected by a man whose face

resembles a water fountain.

I think I've had the piss taken out of me enough.