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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:01,000 --> 00:00:03,738 As many intelligent people know, aliens are all around us. 2 00:00:04,250 --> 00:00:06,274 This is the story of a band of four such explorers. 3 00:00:06,893 --> 00:00:10,083 In order to blend in, they have assumed human form. 4 00:00:10,584 --> 00:00:12,308 This is the high commander. 5 00:00:12,707 --> 00:00:14,979 He has assembled an elite team of experts. 6 00:00:15,425 --> 00:00:16,904 A decorated military officer. 7 00:00:17,594 --> 00:00:19,247 A seasoned intelligent specialist. 8 00:00:19,704 --> 00:00:22,354 and...well, they had an extra seat. 9 00:00:23,593 --> 00:00:25,932 The people of Earth sometimes divide against each other, 10 00:00:25,967 --> 00:00:28,248 based on national origin or skin colour. 11 00:00:28,422 --> 00:00:31,297 Of course no-one else in the Galaxy, can tell them apart. 12 00:00:33,000 --> 00:00:39,074 Advertise your product or brand here contact www.OpenSubtitles.org today 13 00:01:01,167 --> 00:01:02,165 Oh, I've been there 14 00:01:03,281 --> 00:01:05,496 and there, and I've been there. 15 00:01:06,021 --> 00:01:08,796 Wow! The long, boring stories you must have. 16 00:01:10,274 --> 00:01:13,168 Well I have another destination for you, Tommy.... high school. 17 00:01:13,587 --> 00:01:15,700 Why? I finished my education, 18 00:01:15,701 --> 00:01:17,891 when you were nothing but a snot-nosed gas ball. 19 00:01:18,843 --> 00:01:21,173 Hey that sounds like a very dangerous assignment Dick. 20 00:01:21,208 --> 00:01:23,504 Shouldn't I take that on? - No. We have to try to assume, 21 00:01:23,505 --> 00:01:25,368 the roles of a regular human family. 22 00:01:25,369 --> 00:01:27,562 Since Tommy's the adolescent, he'll have to go to school. 23 00:01:27,563 --> 00:01:30,960 And you will explore the lifestyle of a young adult woman. 24 00:01:30,961 --> 00:01:33,470 And I, as the benevolent father figure, 25 00:01:33,471 --> 00:01:35,073 will provide the major source of income, 26 00:01:35,074 --> 00:01:36,388 and give you cute nicknames. 27 00:01:37,797 --> 00:01:39,348 Dick? - What is it, kitten? 28 00:01:43,563 --> 00:01:45,257 What's my role in the family? 29 00:01:45,258 --> 00:01:46,926 Harry, we have been through this. 30 00:01:46,927 --> 00:01:49,613 You're the brother who tries hard, 31 00:01:49,614 --> 00:01:51,946 but still doesn't have the nerve to move out on his own. 32 00:01:51,947 --> 00:01:54,050 But we love your pluck and determination. 33 00:01:54,051 --> 00:01:55,822 But I can do more. 34 00:01:55,823 --> 00:01:58,828 You see? That's the pluck that we love. 35 00:01:58,829 --> 00:02:02,638 Now, let's just be the warm human family that we are. 36 00:02:02,639 --> 00:02:04,480 After you. - Why are you doing that? 37 00:02:04,481 --> 00:02:06,677 Well, I've seen men do it all the time. 38 00:02:06,678 --> 00:02:08,732 Apparently, women don't know how to operate doors. 39 00:02:09,982 --> 00:02:11,150 Well, I do. 40 00:02:11,151 --> 00:02:14,905 Oh, Dick, I've thought of a job for myself. 41 00:02:14,906 --> 00:02:16,541 I can catalog the dangers, 42 00:02:16,542 --> 00:02:18,372 that surround us on this planet. 43 00:02:19,324 --> 00:02:21,777 For example, getting your fingers crushed 44 00:02:21,778 --> 00:02:22,896 in a car door. 45 00:02:24,587 --> 00:02:25,436 Ow. 46 00:02:26,723 --> 00:02:29,362 Ow. Ow. 47 00:02:33,430 --> 00:02:35,014 Why are you listening to the serpent? 48 00:02:37,426 --> 00:02:38,183 Don't eat the fruit. 49 00:02:39,242 --> 00:02:40,406 Don't eat the fruit ! 50 00:02:43,102 --> 00:02:44,379 Women. 51 00:02:46,897 --> 00:02:49,766 Dean Sumner's office called. You parked in his space. 52 00:02:49,767 --> 00:02:51,100 I know. It's so much closer than mine. 53 00:02:52,157 --> 00:02:54,733 Move it, lady! - And your sister's here. 54 00:02:54,734 --> 00:02:57,370 Sally, I thought I left you at home. - You forgot your shoes. 55 00:03:00,240 --> 00:03:01,710 Hey, what's with the guy in 114? 56 00:03:01,711 --> 00:03:04,406 Every time I walk by, he follows me and talks to me. 57 00:03:04,891 --> 00:03:07,438 I think somebody has an admirer. 58 00:03:07,873 --> 00:03:09,245 Great. Now can we talk about me? 59 00:03:10,637 --> 00:03:12,629 Sally, are you seeing anyone now? 60 00:03:13,030 --> 00:03:14,388 I'm looking at you, aren't I? 61 00:03:15,679 --> 00:03:18,925 For god's sakes, he's trying to ask you on a date. 62 00:03:18,926 --> 00:03:21,228 A date. It's a perfect opportunity. 63 00:03:21,229 --> 00:03:22,516 You'll go. - No, I won't. 64 00:03:22,551 --> 00:03:25,611 Trust me, I know what's best. Why are you treating me like this? 65 00:03:25,612 --> 00:03:27,325 Like what? - Like this? This? There! you just did it. 66 00:03:27,326 --> 00:03:28,126 I don't know what I'm doing. 67 00:03:28,190 --> 00:03:29,983 You're acting as if I can't make decisions for myself. 68 00:03:30,018 --> 00:03:32,969 I am second in command. One of us has to experience sex, 69 00:03:32,970 --> 00:03:34,277 and I'm getting nowhere with her. 70 00:03:36,984 --> 00:03:38,918 Well, why didn't you say so? 71 00:03:38,919 --> 00:03:40,812 If sex is so important, you and I could do it 72 00:03:40,813 --> 00:03:42,381 right here on the desk, get it out of the way. 73 00:03:44,324 --> 00:03:45,144 Okay. 74 00:03:46,750 --> 00:03:49,969 I'll leave you clampetts alone to your banjo lesson. 75 00:03:55,777 --> 00:03:57,935 When beetles fight these battles in a bottle with their paddles, 76 00:03:57,936 --> 00:03:59,878 and the bottle's in a poodle and the poodle's eating noodles, 77 00:04:01,464 --> 00:04:02,943 they call this a muddle puddle tweetle poodle 78 00:04:02,944 --> 00:04:04,428 beetle noodle bottle paddle battle." 79 00:04:07,684 --> 00:04:08,937 This man is a genius. 80 00:04:11,904 --> 00:04:14,579 Well, if it isn't our proud little student. 81 00:04:14,580 --> 00:04:15,886 What did you learn on your first day? 82 00:04:15,887 --> 00:04:17,696 I'm wearing the wrong kind of sneakers, 83 00:04:17,697 --> 00:04:19,226 and girls only like seniors. 84 00:04:19,854 --> 00:04:22,529 And, man, you can't compliment anybody in the shower. 85 00:04:25,343 --> 00:04:27,328 You see, and you thought you knew everything. 86 00:04:28,128 --> 00:04:30,899 Sally, you're going to be late for your date! 87 00:04:30,900 --> 00:04:32,881 I just don't know what to wear! 88 00:04:38,035 --> 00:04:38,985 Is this appropriate?. 89 00:04:41,162 --> 00:04:43,054 Come on, men. What do I even do on a date? 90 00:04:43,055 --> 00:04:45,052 Oh, I've been reading about it. I'll walk you through it. 91 00:04:45,115 --> 00:04:47,527 Yeah yeah I'll be your date. - You're not doing anything, 92 00:04:47,528 --> 00:04:49,247 until you've done your homework, old man. 93 00:04:49,282 --> 00:04:50,967 Oh, so you guys get to talk about sex, 94 00:04:50,968 --> 00:04:53,345 while I make an Aztec village out of macaroni? 95 00:04:54,315 --> 00:04:55,375 This is fair. 96 00:04:56,724 --> 00:04:58,492 Okay, Harry, you're brad, 97 00:04:58,493 --> 00:05:01,147 and the two of you are at a romantic restaurant. 98 00:05:01,528 --> 00:05:02,323 Here. 99 00:05:04,589 --> 00:05:05,877 Okay, now go ahead. 100 00:05:07,017 --> 00:05:08,004 I don't know what to do. 101 00:05:09,268 --> 00:05:11,913 Gaze into his eyes the way Dr. Albright 102 00:05:11,914 --> 00:05:13,283 gazes into mine. You know... 103 00:05:17,964 --> 00:05:20,184 That's perfect. Now, break the ice 104 00:05:20,185 --> 00:05:22,224 by telling him something personal about yourself. 105 00:05:22,225 --> 00:05:24,394 Well, uh, brad... 106 00:05:25,328 --> 00:05:28,727 once every lunar cycle, my uterine lining sloughs itself, thereby.. 107 00:05:28,728 --> 00:05:30,593 whoa, whoa, whoa! 108 00:05:30,594 --> 00:05:31,927 Oh, oh! 109 00:05:37,956 --> 00:05:39,108 That may be too personal. 110 00:05:40,508 --> 00:05:42,044 It does. One minute, I'm fine.. 111 00:05:42,045 --> 00:05:43,789 ..and the next, my uterus starts throbbing.. - Hey! 112 00:05:49,910 --> 00:05:51,460 You know, there is something to be said for keeping.. 113 00:05:51,495 --> 00:05:53,245 some mystery in a relationship. 114 00:05:53,679 --> 00:05:55,205 When do I get to touch your breasts? 115 00:05:57,563 --> 00:05:58,854 Right before you die. 116 00:06:00,229 --> 00:06:01,208 Fair enough. 117 00:06:02,787 --> 00:06:04,511 Ow, ow, ow, ow. 118 00:06:05,682 --> 00:06:07,518 Rainbows, daisies, 119 00:06:07,519 --> 00:06:10,461 snowflakes, that girl. 120 00:06:12,650 --> 00:06:14,303 My boys. 121 00:06:18,923 --> 00:06:20,740 She's swallowed a tiny monkey. 122 00:06:22,283 --> 00:06:25,282 So, lieutenant, give us a full report on your assignment. 123 00:06:25,283 --> 00:06:28,329 He was wonderful. He thinks I'm wonderful. 124 00:06:28,330 --> 00:06:30,386 He asked me where I'd been all his life. 125 00:06:30,387 --> 00:06:32,654 You didn't tell him? - All the coordinates. 126 00:06:33,228 --> 00:06:35,294 Thank goodness he didn't believe me, so I didn't have to kill him. 127 00:06:36,494 --> 00:06:39,482 What happened after dinner? - Well, he wanted to sleep with me. 128 00:06:39,683 --> 00:06:43,030 I wanted sex, but since he was tired I let him go home.- Damn. 129 00:06:43,031 --> 00:06:44,053 But... 130 00:06:45,880 --> 00:06:47,050 the good news is... 131 00:06:48,771 --> 00:06:50,133 he's gonna call me. 132 00:06:54,251 --> 00:06:56,677 I wish I could meet a guy like that. 133 00:07:01,772 --> 00:07:04,030 Come on, sport, I'll drive you to school. 134 00:07:05,661 --> 00:07:07,290 Bite me. - Bite me, what? 135 00:07:08,133 --> 00:07:09,562 Bite me, daddy. 136 00:07:11,101 --> 00:07:11,923 That's better. 137 00:07:13,226 --> 00:07:14,385 See you tonight, slugger. 138 00:07:14,905 --> 00:07:17,640 No, you won't 'cause I'll be out with brad, 139 00:07:18,422 --> 00:07:19,435 having fun. 140 00:07:22,662 --> 00:07:24,266 All right, good job. 141 00:07:25,605 --> 00:07:27,001 Come on. Let's keep it moving, Solomon. 142 00:07:27,002 --> 00:07:30,002 Climb the rope. - Yeah. What's at the top of the rope? 143 00:07:30,337 --> 00:07:32,378 Your self-respect is at the top of the rope. 144 00:07:33,144 --> 00:07:35,357 Run this by me again. I climb up there, 145 00:07:35,495 --> 00:07:37,183 and then I...? 146 00:07:38,685 --> 00:07:39,840 You climb down! 147 00:07:41,410 --> 00:07:43,968 And this gives me self-Respect because...? 148 00:07:43,969 --> 00:07:45,762 Okay, look, you don't want to climb the rope, 149 00:07:45,763 --> 00:07:47,063 you can go sit over there with the girls. 150 00:07:50,751 --> 00:07:52,532 So, if I don't climb the rope, 151 00:07:52,803 --> 00:07:54,695 then I sit with the girls. - That's right. 152 00:07:55,408 --> 00:07:57,915 Now help me out here 'cause I'm not seeing the downside. 153 00:08:06,411 --> 00:08:08,363 Must you make such a racket?! 154 00:08:12,736 --> 00:08:13,515 Okay, 155 00:08:14,605 --> 00:08:17,167 you've bossed me around for the last time. 156 00:08:20,604 --> 00:08:22,989 Oh, I'm sorry I blew up like that. 157 00:08:36,517 --> 00:08:37,158 There he is. 158 00:08:38,802 --> 00:08:39,704 There he is. 159 00:08:40,412 --> 00:08:41,406 There he is. 160 00:08:42,444 --> 00:08:45,247 You know, what goes on outside this office 161 00:08:45,248 --> 00:08:47,258 is really none of my business. - There he is. 162 00:08:48,848 --> 00:08:50,724 Just because I set Sally up with brad 163 00:08:50,725 --> 00:08:53,354 doesn't mean you're under any obligation to tell me how it went. 164 00:08:53,355 --> 00:08:56,067 There he is. - I'm not even curious. 165 00:08:56,068 --> 00:08:57,085 Mm-hmm, right there. 166 00:08:58,279 --> 00:09:00,119 Sally's date? Start talking. 167 00:09:00,582 --> 00:09:03,620 Well, what can I say? In her own words, it was wonderful. 168 00:09:03,816 --> 00:09:06,517 mm-hmm. - She overate, and he found her charming. 169 00:09:06,518 --> 00:09:08,759 Mm-hmm. - In fact, he's going to call her. 170 00:09:09,691 --> 00:09:10,734 Hmmm. 171 00:09:13,121 --> 00:09:14,044 What? 172 00:09:19,150 --> 00:09:20,076 Orange juice. 173 00:09:22,255 --> 00:09:24,163 Ahhh! Nontoxic. 174 00:09:27,474 --> 00:09:28,643 Tabasco. 175 00:09:30,592 --> 00:09:32,732 Ahhh! Also nontoxic. 176 00:09:33,875 --> 00:09:35,794 He said he'd call. - Yes, I know. 177 00:09:35,795 --> 00:09:37,975 He promised. He said he'd call. 178 00:09:37,976 --> 00:09:40,010 That changes everything. - I can take more pain 179 00:09:40,011 --> 00:09:43,076 than the rest of you put together , but right now I just feel so... 180 00:09:43,335 --> 00:09:44,300 icky. 181 00:09:45,454 --> 00:09:47,624 Damn it, Dick, give me some pain I can define. 182 00:09:47,625 --> 00:09:49,767 I am not going to jam your hand in the toaster again. 183 00:09:51,506 --> 00:09:53,686 You just can't imagine what it feels like, Dick. 184 00:09:54,866 --> 00:09:56,136 It's like he reached in, 185 00:09:56,476 --> 00:09:58,691 pulled all the bones out of my body. 186 00:10:03,979 --> 00:10:05,412 My god! What are you doing? 187 00:10:08,301 --> 00:10:10,039 Apparently, I'm leaking. 188 00:10:13,106 --> 00:10:14,333 Well, stop it! 189 00:10:18,235 --> 00:10:19,271 All right, commander. 190 00:10:24,619 --> 00:10:25,384 Wine cooler. 191 00:10:26,991 --> 00:10:29,592 Ahhh! I could go either way. 192 00:10:32,053 --> 00:10:33,364 Lieutenant, we need to talk. 193 00:10:33,365 --> 00:10:35,210 This is all your fault. I didn't want to be the woman. 194 00:10:35,211 --> 00:10:36,168 You made me be the woman. 195 00:10:36,169 --> 00:10:38,132 You're a decorated veteran. I thought you could handle it. 196 00:10:38,133 --> 00:10:41,049 Well, I can't. This is hard. 197 00:10:41,050 --> 00:10:44,900 Please, don't. No no, Please don't. 198 00:10:44,901 --> 00:10:47,343 It went so great. Brad said he liked me. 199 00:10:47,344 --> 00:10:49,434 Why won't he phone? 200 00:10:50,844 --> 00:10:51,644 There, there. 201 00:10:54,329 --> 00:10:56,513 Maybe he can't call. Maybe his phone is out. 202 00:10:56,514 --> 00:10:58,776 Maybe he injured himself running with scissors 203 00:10:58,777 --> 00:11:00,902 or used a dry cleaning bag as a toy. 204 00:11:02,828 --> 00:11:03,714 Dick... 205 00:11:04,466 --> 00:11:07,706 I've lost all feeling in the left side of my body. 206 00:11:09,442 --> 00:11:12,686 Could somebody please call 1-1-6? 207 00:11:13,050 --> 00:11:14,536 Do not touch that phone! 208 00:11:14,891 --> 00:11:16,631 Oh, dad! - Now what is it? 209 00:11:16,632 --> 00:11:19,243 My teachers want to talk to you about my attitude, 210 00:11:19,244 --> 00:11:20,846 as if I have an attitude. 211 00:11:21,801 --> 00:11:23,005 This is just perfect. 212 00:11:23,006 --> 00:11:25,920 I try to mold us into a family that will blend in, 213 00:11:25,921 --> 00:11:27,765 and what do I get? A surly teenager, 214 00:11:27,766 --> 00:11:30,451 a sister obsessed with a man, and a brother who drinks too much. 215 00:11:30,900 --> 00:11:32,889 Is there another family in the whole world like this? 216 00:11:33,290 --> 00:11:34,451 I don't think so. 217 00:11:37,136 --> 00:11:38,566 Frankly, I can't take it anymore. 218 00:11:38,567 --> 00:11:39,866 Me neither I'm outta here. 219 00:11:39,867 --> 00:11:41,590 I have got to find out what happened to brad. 220 00:11:41,591 --> 00:11:44,180 "Induce vomiting". There's an idea. 221 00:11:46,765 --> 00:11:48,589 If anybody needs me, I'll be in the garage... 222 00:11:50,029 --> 00:11:50,988 putting up peg board. 223 00:12:01,204 --> 00:12:02,939 Hello, brad. - Sally. 224 00:12:04,494 --> 00:12:05,935 I've come to check your phone. 225 00:12:13,228 --> 00:12:14,755 Sally, please, calm down. 226 00:12:15,869 --> 00:12:17,533 No, you may not maim Harry. 227 00:12:18,611 --> 00:12:20,291 I don't know, find someone on the street. 228 00:12:22,950 --> 00:12:25,371 Trouble at home? - No. Why would you say that? 229 00:12:26,208 --> 00:12:28,192 He didn't call, did he? - Not yet. 230 00:12:28,718 --> 00:12:30,013 hmm. 231 00:12:31,479 --> 00:12:34,465 I just wish Sally had some woman friends to turn to. 232 00:12:34,866 --> 00:12:37,037 Are you asking for my help? - Are you offering it? 233 00:12:37,038 --> 00:12:39,050 How can I be offering if I don't know what you're asking? 234 00:12:39,051 --> 00:12:41,715 Why would I ask? I don't need help. - Then I'm not offering. 235 00:12:41,716 --> 00:12:42,571 Fine with me. 236 00:12:44,112 --> 00:12:45,908 You can't say it, can you? 237 00:12:47,607 --> 00:12:50,565 Help me! 238 00:12:50,566 --> 00:12:53,189 I don't know what to do. I can't stand to see her like this. 239 00:12:54,084 --> 00:12:55,630 There, that wasn't so hard. 240 00:12:55,631 --> 00:12:57,174 Then you'll help? - No. 241 00:12:57,877 --> 00:12:59,700 Can't you just take her out tonight and talk to her? 242 00:12:59,701 --> 00:13:02,044 You don't have to go alone. Nina would be happy to join you. 243 00:13:02,045 --> 00:13:03,120 Ooh, I'm sorry, 244 00:13:03,121 --> 00:13:05,598 tonight's the night I'm having my eyes gouged out. 245 00:13:06,876 --> 00:13:08,288 Can't you reschedule it? 246 00:13:09,000 --> 00:13:11,066 Put yourself in her position-- you go out on a date, 247 00:13:11,067 --> 00:13:13,801 you have a wonderful time, various arousing stimuli 248 00:13:13,802 --> 00:13:15,492 fly back and forth across the table, 249 00:13:15,493 --> 00:13:18,648 and then he doesn't call. How would you repair yourself? 250 00:13:19,157 --> 00:13:21,376 I'd get good and toasted and call him filthy names. 251 00:13:21,929 --> 00:13:24,782 Yes, great. Now go and do that with Sally. 252 00:13:25,206 --> 00:13:26,083 You're buying. 253 00:13:26,106 --> 00:13:27,942 Oh, of course. 254 00:13:29,645 --> 00:13:31,633 Oh, she's way more upset than that. 255 00:13:37,788 --> 00:13:39,522 Dr. Solomon, let me be blunt. 256 00:13:39,927 --> 00:13:41,835 Tommy seems to have a problem with authority. 257 00:13:42,169 --> 00:13:43,822 Only Tommy refused to climb the rope. 258 00:13:44,060 --> 00:13:45,180 What was at the top of the rope? 259 00:13:50,979 --> 00:13:53,381 If he were my boy, I'd warm up his little bottom. 260 00:13:54,991 --> 00:13:57,269 You're the one who didn't want him sitting with the girls, right? 261 00:14:03,096 --> 00:14:06,065 I think he's just jealous because I've done so much better than he has. 262 00:14:06,066 --> 00:14:09,429 Dr. Solomon, nobody ever said being a father is easy. 263 00:14:09,430 --> 00:14:13,234 You're telling me. Some of you must have children, 264 00:14:13,952 --> 00:14:15,728 as frightening as that thought is. 265 00:14:17,056 --> 00:14:18,074 What do you do? 266 00:14:18,075 --> 00:14:21,270 You need to set a good example for your son to live up to. 267 00:14:21,271 --> 00:14:24,206 Since when did my son become my responsibility? 268 00:14:24,753 --> 00:14:26,911 You're the ones who are falling down on the job. 269 00:14:26,912 --> 00:14:28,440 You're supposed to be educating him. 270 00:14:28,778 --> 00:14:31,468 Knowledge is the only chance this planet has for survival. 271 00:14:31,469 --> 00:14:34,370 One day you're going to have to find someone to pull your collective butts, 272 00:14:34,371 --> 00:14:36,633 out of the cosmic pliers, and all you'll have to pick from, 273 00:14:36,634 --> 00:14:38,039 is a bunch of rope climbers! 274 00:14:38,656 --> 00:14:40,327 Dr. Solomon, I think you're avoiding 275 00:14:40,328 --> 00:14:43,068 the real problem.. the home environment. 276 00:14:43,069 --> 00:14:44,249 Well, of course I'm avoiding it. 277 00:14:44,635 --> 00:14:46,085 It's full of crazy people. 278 00:14:52,107 --> 00:14:55,574 Oh, come on, Sally. I know you're in a lot of pain, 279 00:14:55,575 --> 00:14:58,117 but holding it in isn't going to do you any good. 280 00:14:58,271 --> 00:15:01,286 You've got to let it out. Come on, open up. 281 00:15:09,786 --> 00:15:10,924 That really helped. 282 00:15:11,547 --> 00:15:14,406 This can't be the first bad date you've ever had. - Well... 283 00:15:14,996 --> 00:15:17,044 a couple of years ago, a friend set me up, 284 00:15:17,045 --> 00:15:20,441 and my date turned out to be this giant, slimy yolk sac. 285 00:15:20,442 --> 00:15:22,984 Yeah, I've been there. - Who hasn't? 286 00:15:23,502 --> 00:15:26,865 I once dated this chemistry professor, Dr. Abrams. 287 00:15:26,866 --> 00:15:29,045 Oh, god, she's starting with the A's. 288 00:15:29,249 --> 00:15:32,317 He invited me to portage lakes for a romantic weekend, 289 00:15:32,318 --> 00:15:34,684 and then just never showed up. 290 00:15:35,091 --> 00:15:36,774 Did you kill him? - No, no. 291 00:15:36,775 --> 00:15:39,663 I don't believe in violence. Violence doesn't do you any good. 292 00:15:40,604 --> 00:15:42,175 However, a gas tank full of sugar 293 00:15:42,176 --> 00:15:44,098 and a flaming bag of dog poop will. 294 00:15:46,579 --> 00:15:48,218 And you take that orally? 295 00:15:51,666 --> 00:15:53,993 Tommy, your teachers seem to think 296 00:15:53,994 --> 00:15:56,045 I'm not acting enough like a father to you. 297 00:15:56,500 --> 00:15:59,097 You're not my father. - Well, that's true, 298 00:15:59,098 --> 00:16:01,226 but I want to try to act like one. 299 00:16:02,379 --> 00:16:04,803 Fine. What do fathers and sons do together? 300 00:16:04,804 --> 00:16:06,843 Oh, they do this. 301 00:16:10,566 --> 00:16:11,709 Yes, I've seen that. 302 00:16:12,951 --> 00:16:13,902 Aw. 303 00:16:18,451 --> 00:16:20,231 Excellent. We're roughhousing. 304 00:16:20,819 --> 00:16:22,168 Son. 305 00:16:44,603 --> 00:16:46,345 This has taken a wrong turn somewhere. 306 00:16:47,542 --> 00:16:48,720 I've got a better idea. 307 00:16:49,210 --> 00:16:51,344 We can do what the guy downstairs does with his son. 308 00:16:52,085 --> 00:16:54,073 They watch Tv for 18 hours straight. 309 00:16:54,074 --> 00:16:57,061 Yes, it's the classic male-Bonding ritual. 310 00:16:59,103 --> 00:17:01,277 Oh, look, Monday night football. 311 00:17:01,278 --> 00:17:03,043 all right! 312 00:17:05,176 --> 00:17:06,108 What is it? 313 00:17:07,972 --> 00:17:09,631 Isn't there someplace where people can just have 314 00:17:09,632 --> 00:17:11,904 meaningless sex with various partners? 315 00:17:12,200 --> 00:17:14,112 Yes, it's called the '70s. 316 00:17:16,029 --> 00:17:17,752 Well, how late is it open? 317 00:17:18,703 --> 00:17:21,041 Hey, check out the bartender. 318 00:17:22,143 --> 00:17:24,199 Ooh, god's gift to women. 319 00:17:24,509 --> 00:17:26,127 I hope he kept the receipt. 320 00:17:32,032 --> 00:17:34,230 Oh, get a load of 321 00:17:34,231 --> 00:17:37,415 the guy in the vest. - I hope he kept the receipt. 322 00:17:40,823 --> 00:17:43,299 See, Sally, you are not the problem. 323 00:17:43,300 --> 00:17:46,556 Guys are jerks. You're just never gonna find the perfect man. 324 00:17:46,557 --> 00:17:48,960 Yeah, the perfect man would have, 325 00:17:48,961 --> 00:17:51,677 Bill Gate's money, Jimmy Smit's ass. 326 00:17:51,678 --> 00:17:54,953 Liam Neeson's shoulders, Michael Jordan's thighs, 327 00:17:55,354 --> 00:17:56,474 and we need a brain. 328 00:17:56,475 --> 00:17:57,842 Oh ho, no we don't. 329 00:17:59,428 --> 00:18:02,129 Yeah, you're right, then he'd think like a man. 330 00:18:02,463 --> 00:18:05,333 See, Sally, there's just no dealing with the opposite sex. 331 00:18:06,445 --> 00:18:09,994 Yes, yes, the opposite sex. 332 00:18:10,847 --> 00:18:12,216 I didn't do anything wrong. 333 00:18:12,822 --> 00:18:14,007 It's men. 334 00:18:14,008 --> 00:18:16,771 They're a completely opposite sex. 335 00:18:17,377 --> 00:18:20,052 They hunt. We gather. They sweat. We glow. 336 00:18:20,053 --> 00:18:21,636 They shake. We wipe. 337 00:18:22,975 --> 00:18:25,333 You, your sexual organs 338 00:18:25,334 --> 00:18:27,509 are in total diametric opposition to mine. 339 00:18:27,510 --> 00:18:30,640 Well, hey, so can I give you a call sometime or...? 340 00:18:30,641 --> 00:18:33,371 Oh, yeah, I'll be waiting by the phone. 341 00:18:36,384 --> 00:18:38,561 Have we poisoned her? - No... 342 00:18:38,562 --> 00:18:40,962 now she's a buxom, leggy, 343 00:18:40,963 --> 00:18:42,780 pouty-lipped bitch with attitude. 344 00:18:43,702 --> 00:18:45,940 I think she'll do just fine. 345 00:18:50,208 --> 00:18:52,287 Hello, brad. - S-Sally. 346 00:18:56,185 --> 00:18:57,480 I came here to tell you 347 00:18:57,481 --> 00:18:59,954 that I understand your limitations. 348 00:19:01,451 --> 00:19:02,901 I expected too much. 349 00:19:03,653 --> 00:19:06,553 I'm so sorry. All the best. 350 00:19:09,093 --> 00:19:10,469 Got your knob. 351 00:19:14,014 --> 00:19:15,458 Hasn't tonight been great? 352 00:19:15,951 --> 00:19:18,721 Just us boys drinking beer, yelling like idiots, 353 00:19:18,722 --> 00:19:20,531 emitting various gasses. 354 00:19:21,349 --> 00:19:22,639 Oh! Oh, look. 355 00:19:23,129 --> 00:19:24,690 They're doing that thing again. 356 00:19:24,982 --> 00:19:29,325 Ohhhhhhh oh yeah ! 357 00:19:32,790 --> 00:19:34,368 Sally's back. - Party's over. 358 00:19:34,369 --> 00:19:37,139 thank god. - Sally, you're smiling. 359 00:19:37,737 --> 00:19:40,254 You're fixed. - No, Dick, 360 00:19:40,700 --> 00:19:42,694 I'm not fixed because I was never broken. 361 00:19:43,616 --> 00:19:46,507 I'm supposed to be this way. I'm a woman. 362 00:19:46,508 --> 00:19:50,084 Yes, and...? - Tell me, Dick, what kind of shampoo do you use? 363 00:19:50,416 --> 00:19:51,123 I don't know. 364 00:19:51,124 --> 00:19:53,632 Exactly, and do you feel the urge to have, 365 00:19:53,633 --> 00:19:55,636 an eight-pound screaming larva, 366 00:19:55,637 --> 00:19:57,747 rip its way out of your lower abdomen? 367 00:20:00,642 --> 00:20:02,315 No, I think I can do without that. 368 00:20:03,164 --> 00:20:05,239 You see, here, you and I, 369 00:20:05,240 --> 00:20:07,119 are completely different life-forms, 370 00:20:07,120 --> 00:20:09,538 and it's just some sick cosmic joke 371 00:20:09,539 --> 00:20:10,974 that we have to share a planet. 372 00:20:12,126 --> 00:20:13,534 You know, I've been thinking about your assignment, 373 00:20:13,535 --> 00:20:15,636 maybe it wasn't fair of me, making you the woman. 374 00:20:16,086 --> 00:20:16,937 I'm all right. 375 00:20:17,593 --> 00:20:20,494 I can handle the mood swings, the emotional issues, 376 00:20:20,495 --> 00:20:22,969 the catcalls, the punitive underwear, 377 00:20:23,753 --> 00:20:25,983 because, frankly, when I think of the alternative... 378 00:20:28,323 --> 00:20:30,164 I just have to laugh. 379 00:20:40,885 --> 00:20:42,084 Mother earth. 380 00:20:42,583 --> 00:20:43,853 Father time. 381 00:20:45,826 --> 00:20:48,582 Lady luck. - Gentleman's quarterly. 382 00:20:50,507 --> 00:20:53,066 Daughters of the American revolution. 383 00:20:53,067 --> 00:20:54,520 Son of Kong. 384 00:20:56,347 --> 00:20:58,930 Fairy godmother. - The godfather of soul. 385 00:21:02,309 --> 00:21:03,828 Mississippi. 386 00:21:08,369 --> 00:21:09,500 Mister sippi. 387 00:00:0,500 --> 00:00:2,00 www.tvsubtitles.net 388 00:21:10,305 --> 00:21:16,531 Support us and become VIP member to remove all ads from OpenSubtitles.org29347

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