Original subtitles

Ok

- Let's get started - All right

Here we go

Makin' a baby

Doin' the deed

Down and dirty

This isn't working for me

This isn't gonna be a problem, right? I mean, come on

I mean, we're friends

We've seen each other naked a hundred times

Cinchy Right?

All right

Here we go

- Start goin' - Yeah, that's me

You know, we-- we really don't need to kiss

- Kissing is not necessary - Who needs kissing?

It--it seems--

I'm just gonna-- I'll just, uh--

take your shirt off

You know what? I can do this with my shirt on

True! True! That's...

You know what? I mean--I mean--

you don't need these

If anything, these hurt the process, right?

Twist my arm!

Basically, all I really need is--is that...

- ...there - Yeah

There in lies the problem

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Ok Maybe...

maybe we should just try a different approach

Yeah, you know, we--we-- we don't need the romance

Let's just-- let's just get raw You know, let's get savage

Ok

You know what? We should just--

we should just attack each other like animals, you know?/ Ooh...

You know, just like paw at each other... / Ooh, now...

- Right? - That's good

- Yeah? Paw at you - Yeah... That's?

- Show me what you got - A little hot love paw

- Whoa! - Ah!

Grace!

What the hell are you doing?!

I was being raw and savage like you said!

Well, it's not working

No wonder you have trouble keeping boyfriends

They can't get insurance

Ok, all right, that's it

I am going into the bathroom and getting naked

You get under the covers and get ready for action

'Cause when I come out we're gonna put that babymaker to work

You do this for me...

and I'll--I'll get you those leather pants you've been eyeing

Oh, thank you so much

Wow Yeah. Listen

I'd love to give you a tip but I don't seem to--

Oh, wait a minute

Here you go Ok. Yeah

Why, Lionel Banks you filthy old man

Ooh...

I heard the bell

- Are my pizzas here? - Oh

no, no Just some flowers for me

Oh, good Are you dead?

Good one, Ro-Ro

Who are they from?

Oh, uh, Stan They're from Stan

Yeah, he likes to celebrate...

Tony Roma's birthday

Liar!

Tony's birthday is in the fall

- Come on, give me the card - No!

- Give it to me! - No!

- Give it to me! - No!

- No! No! - Come on

Lady, don't think I won't go in there

You wouldn't dare

Yeah, you're right

Well...

No! Stop! Don't!

To the right! Pinch it! Stop!

Who's Lionel Banks?

He's the new bass player in my Lynyrd Skynyrd tribute band

Sweet home Alabama

- where the skies are-- - Lady...!

All right!

I met him in a bar he flirted with me

He thought I was a whore

Made me feel...

I don't know, special

But it's nothing

Then why aren't you wearing your wedding ring?

Are you thinking about cheating with this man?

- Abandoning Mr. Stan? - No! Yes! Maybe!

I don't know! I--

Oh, my P'Zone is here!

Jack, as you may have heard

Dorleen's manager position has become available

Yeah, what happened to her?

Rehab

Big fan of the nose candy

Blow, snow, ice

All of it just hoovered right up the snout

Any snootch...

We're looking for a new floor manager

and Tristan and moi would like to offer it to you

Me?!

Manager?!

No

Floor manager

That's even better

It's a two-word title like homecoming queen

Come on, Grace How long does it take to get undressed?

Just give me another minute!

Steal stuff later!

We don't need another scale

I can't do this

Why? What's wrong?

Will, you're my best friend

I love you

I love what we have together and...

I don't want it to change

Sex changes things It always does

We'll end up not calling being awkward together

sleeping with the other person's friends just to spite them

Ok, I might be personalizing on that one

All I'm trying to say is...

if we're gonna bring a baby into the world

there can't be any weirdness between us

So, I don't think I can do it this way

Are you mad at me?

Yeah...

maybe a little

Here they are, Jack The keys to your new office

Oh, my god

I've never had my own office before

I will try to honor the legacy of the bipolar blow monkey

who had it before me

Oh, and Jack, uh you got this message

Something about a voice-over audition this afternoon

You're not really going to do this, are you?

Absolutely not!

Show business is a harsh bitch of a mistress

who kicked me in the gut one too many times

until I heaved up the regret of a millions yesteryears!

Huh?

I quit the biz

My ass belongs to Barney's now

Smart lady Enjoy your new office

My own orifice

I've arrived

When you're standing on the edge of nowhere

there's only one way up

So your heart's gotta go there

and through the darkest nights you see the light shine bright

when heroes fall in love or war

they live forever

This is a song for the lonely

Can you hear me tonight?

For the broken hearted battle scared

I'll be by your side

This is a song for the lonely

Oh

Homo, I don't think we're in Barney's anymore

Where am I?

You're in heaven, Jack

So, are you God?

It depends on which bathhouse you pray at

Oh...my...Cher!

You are god!

Chastity, Elijah It all makes sense

Wait a minute

If this is heaven does that mean I've died?

Only the entertainer part of you, Jack

That's why I sent for you

The world needs you

But I can't go back to performing

I've already broken it to my fan

I'm a retail queen now

No, you're not, Jackie

You're the little boy who used to dance naked in front of his mirror

Who grew up and--

and became that sensitive young teenager who danced naked

in front of his mirror

And spent way too much time at the gym to become the young man

who dances naked in front of his mirror

Don't ever stop dancing, Jack Don't ever stop dancing

Show business needs you

But if it needs me how come I keep getting rejected?

You know, don't talk to me about rejection, ok?

I mean, look how many times I've gone down in flames

Remember, I lost the Oscar for Moonstruck

But you won the Oscar for Moonstruck!

And don't you forget it

And if that doesn't convince you...

Hit it, boys!

This is a different kind of love song

dedicated to everyone

Different kind of love song

Stop it! Stop it!

You're hawking your album during my dream?!

Well, somebody's gotta pay for the fog and the dancing fairies

Remember, Jack follow your bliss

Follow your bliss, Jack Follow your bliss

Follow your bliss

Uh, my bliss is this way

Follow your bliss

Follow your bliss

Jack

Jack? Wake up!

What's going...

Oh

What's going on?

Robert just bitch-slapped Terry because he pulled on his weave

You better get down to women's shoes, pronzo

It's a festival of tears and queers down there

I'm sorry, Ruben

- No can do - What?

But you're the floor manager

Not anymore

I'm a professional actor

and I have a non-union voice-over audition to go to

You know, they charge for the bath robes

Well, just as well

I never would have been able to cram it in there

with the VCR and The Bible

And to think, I missed a shot in the sack with that

Yeah

What are we gonna do about that?

Well, if we don't do it today we'll have to wait another month

It's so weird that your eggs have an expiration date, you know?

They're like... eggs

Anyway, I figured we'd go back to the insemination plan

So, I booked you into the sperm bank at 10:00

We've got an appointment at my gyno's at 12:00

And then, bing, bang, boom we're pregnant

Actually, not bang just a bing and a boom

So, you're still sure you want to do this?

Absolutely

Ok, I know that I was a little freaked out before about waiting for Mr. Right

but it's a fantasy I mean

what am I waiting for some guy to ride up on a white horse?

Grace...

Come with me and be my looove

I fantasize about the guy not the horse

Ok, let's do a final check

You've got the stuff

I've got the place to put it and two Kit Kat bars for energy

- We're good to go - Yeah

Nothing can go wrong now

What did you just say?

I said, "nothing can go wrong."

I can't believe you just said that! You put a ken ayina hora on it!

What did you just say?

You put a ken ayina hora on it

A Jewish jinx You jinxed it

Quick, quick Knock on wood

- Ptoo! Ptoo! - Don't. You're--

you're spitting on me!

Hey, cabbie, you wouldn't happento have the guts of a young chicken

and some kosher salt?

Does it have to be kosher?

All right, that's it We gotta get another cab

- Pull over - What are you talking about?

I'm not driving to our fertilization in a jinxed cab

What, does the next one have to be driven by a rabbi?

It wouldn't hurt

Come on

Ah, Smitty...

I'm about to break the heart of a lovely man

whose only crime is wanting to get in my pants

Come on

Give me something to smile about

Well, I'm not sure I can do that, ma'am

You see, I'm getting laid off Today's my last day

and I have seven kids to feed

Not as good as the wife one but-- but still...

Pretty damn funny

Ahh, Ms. Beaverhousen

I came as soon as you called

Oh, well...

that's really none of my business but I'm glad you could make it

I'm going to cut right to the chase

I got us the Presidential Suite

The bed is turned

the bath is drawn

and there's a handy Filipino fellow ready to attend to whatever needs

that I can't meet

- Shall we? - Ah. Ah, ah, ah, ah

I didn't come here for a rendezvous I came here to tell you something

When I said before that I wasn't married...

I was lying I am married

Well, I appreciate your honesty

And now, I'm going to be honest with you

I don't care

Huh? B--? What?

Here's the key to the room

If you're not there in five minutes

I'm going to commence with what my house boy calls

"the manila folder."

I hope I see you

Hmm

Hmm....

Thank God we got out of that jinxed cab

Nothing can go wrong now

Damn it! I ken ayina hora-ed myself!

We're gonna miss our appointment!

Ok, look, it's right across the park

I can run for it Give me the bag, quick

No, I'll run I'm faster

If you get there with the sperm where are they gonna put it?

You take the bag

Hey, wait, wait, wait!

None's going anywhere till I get paid

I don't have to pay you You crashed!

Just give me half

- I'm not giving you anything! - Come on, haggle with me!

- Hi, Grace - Hi, Jack

- Going to my audition - Going to make a baby

- Good luck - Good luck to you, too

We're about to close

Where's your girlfriend?

I'd like to fill her to the rim with him and catch the bus to Atlantic City

Look, she's gonna be here any minute

Hi...

Hmm...

What happens?

Find out this fall on

- the next exciting episode of-- - Stop, stop

Uh, Mr. McFarland what's with the voice?

This is how an announcer talks

Ok, we'll call you

Yes! Oh, my god This is so exciting!

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