Original subtitles

Anyway, I turned around to pick up my order and when I looked back, my laptop was gone.

It was so pretty. Titanium. It went with everything he has.

Hmm. It made me look thin and tall.

It had all of my work on it, all of my memos, my briefs... all of my e-mail!

Sweetie, calm down. It’s just a thing.

No object is that important.

It had your DVD in it.

Not Bring It On?!

So, what are you going to do?

You think you're gonna find it?

Well, of course.

We'll seal off all the bridges and tunnels.

We'll scramble a couple of F16s out of McGuire.

Do you think this man finds you funny, Officer?

Detective Hatch. I-- I didn't realize you were here.

Maybe I should leave so you can continue acting like a schmuck in front of two citizens from New York.

Come on. Get out of here.

Yes, sir.

I apologize for the officer.

He's picked up a little bit of an attitude since he's been a technical consultant on "NYPD Blue."

I'm Detective Hatch.

Uh, Will Truman.

What's the problem, Mr. Truman?

I got him the wrong muffin.

Yeah. I wanted the chocolate chip muffin. She got me raisin.

Why didn't you get him the chocolate chip, ma'am?

Well, I-- It--

Ok, it was the only one left, and I wanted it!

So I got Will the raisin and I bought the chocolate chip for myself, and I ate it in the ladies' room.

Are you happy now?!

I don't believe you! I've been talking about a chocolate chip muffin since I woke up this morning!

Oh, get a life, Will. It's a muffin!

And it was good.

Let's take it easy. Everybody's a little emotional here, what with the robbery and the muffin.

Why don't you take it easy on your girlfriend?

Hey, she's not my girlfriend. Ok?

My girlfriend wouldn't leave my laptop to eat a muffin in a bathroom stall!

My girlfriend also wouldn't be a girl.

Oh. Oh, I see.

Well, I guess, uh-- I guess I got everything here.

Is that your home number, Mr. Truman?

Yes. Look, is there anything I can do to help? Because I'll do it.

Well, uh, we need more victims like you to get involved.

Hey, this victim is totally willing to get involved.

That's exactly how his last personal ad read.

All right, well, I'll be in touch, and, uh, ma'am, you might want to keep that purse closed.

Oh, oh, right, because now this is a crime scene.

No, because your friend might see that you got two other chocolate chip muffins in there.

Jack, move your bunny slippers. I'm trying to work on my presentation.

Not really my problem.

Jack, inviting three hot guys over to your apartment for a "four-gy" does not qualify as group therapy.

I'm talking about actual therapy.

You know, at first I thought group would be a great way to meet guys. You know I love me some crazies.

But as it turns out, I actually have a problem.

Would you like to know what it is?

Get out.

I'm too much of a giver.

That's right. I give a little bit too much.

Always putting other people's needs before mine.

Well, no more! Before it used to be World, Jack.

Now it's Jack, World.

Hey, Jack world, how about you move your Jack feet before I kick your Jack ass?

Wow, you are toxic.

I think you need a little gay group therapy.

Oh, hey, poodle.

Hi, Kare. I'd love to stay and fondle, but Grace's mood ring is a filthy brown today.

Ok. One for the road?

Ok.

Hey, Kare, did you bring me that sample I asked for?

I sure did, honey.

Here you go.

Please, God, tell me that's not your urine.

Oh! Honey, of course it isn't.

It's Rosario's.

This puppy has gotten me out of more jail time than you'll ever know.

Was that not right?

Tile samples-- I needed you to bring my--

Ok. Ok. Ok, never mind.

Did you take the pictures of those stools I-- Wait!

Do not answer that.

Do not show me anything.

Knock knock. I thought it was rude to eavesdrop, so I just came in.

Oh, hey-- Hey, Val.

Isn't that the loon from upstairs that likes to beat you up?

Yeah. Get rid of her.

Ok. So, um, listen, Val...

I was just-- just bringing you your phone bill, 'cause they put it in my box.

Ok, don't come any closer!

The clump of hair that you ripped out... is just starting to grow back in.

Oh, come on, silly. I'm not like that anymore.

You are looking at a totally new me.

Why? You finally working as a team with the people in your head?

Well, kind of. Actually, I'm on this amazing new psychotropic drug.

I mean, sure, I have no sex drive and I'm always dizzy, but I think I could be a really good friend.

Here.

So what are you working on there, G-Dog?

Um, it's a meditation room for this client I'm trying to land.

Wow. That's nifty.

I'd sure love a room like that.

I'm surprised the court hasn't ordered you to be in a room like that.

Very funny!

You're ticklish.

See? You know what? I miss this! I miss this so much.

Well, Val, see, here's the deal.

We could have this--

If you were not this--

All right. Hey, can I take this?

'Cause some day you're gonna be really famous, and I can say that I knew you when.

Sure, but you know, Val, I really do need to get back to work.

Oh, sure. Yeah, I just wanted to come and let you know that I'm doing a lot better.

Is that your urine or mine?

I confess.

When I first started gay group therapy, I just thought it was a really great place to meet guys.

But now as I look around the room and I see you all looking back at me, I realize...

it's not such a great place to meet guys.

Gavin, the last time you shared,

you spoke about how your fear of rejection often leads you

to make up elaborate stories in order to spend time with the men you find attractive.

How's that going?

Well, I'm doing it again, you know, and it's killing me.

I--I met this really good-looking guy today at this coffee shop,

and instead of asking him out, I offered to help him find his stolen laptop.

Go on, Gavin.

Well, I don't know why I'm so shy with men.

You know, maybe it's because I came out so late in my life,

but, you know, why can't I just say, you know, "Hi, I'm Gavin. You want a cup of coffee? A chocolate chip muffin?"

Nah, I'm a mess.

Hmm, maybe a cookie will cheer you up, huh?

Want a little cookie? Hmm?

You know, I prefer the minis.

The cream-to-cookie ratio is just so much better for me. You know?

Uh, uh... you got something in your teeth.

Whatever.

No, really. Just stop it. This really freaks me out. I got--I got a thing about this, ok? So--

Seriously? This freaks you out?

Stop this now, all right? Just stop it! I told-- Stop! Doctor--

Jack! You know Gavin has problems with food in teeth.

Now kindly respect that.

Sorry, Gavin.

Weirdo.

Gavin, what do you think your next move should be with this guy?

Well, I like the guy. You know, I want to go out with him,

and I think I should be totally honest. I think I should stop all these stories and just tell him the truth.

A gay laptop-theft ring? You gotta be kidding me!

No, I'm afraid so. It looks like you're the latest victim.

Why would they want gay people's computers?

Well, for one thing, you know, they're organized,

very neat desktops, usually have a carrying case.

You can dress it up or dress it down.

Anyway, that's not the point. I've got a tip. I thought we could do some surveillance.

We?

Well, you said you wanted to get involved.

Yeah. No, I'd love to. I love police business.

You have terrific teeth-- Really clean.

Uh, let's go undercover.

Say, Saturday, eight-ish?

Great.

Undercover, wow. Hey, do I get to wear a wire?

Will we be in dark alleys with really wet streets?

I'm not afraid. I'm just thinking about footwear.

I'm actually thinking of this hot gay club on 14th Street.

You know, obvious target. Lots of laptop users there.

A club? You really think we're gonna find the perps there?

"Perps." That's very cute.

And I think the meditation room will end up being your favorite room in the house.

Oh, every room is my favorite now that my wife has left me.

Well, let me paint a picture.

Imagine yourself in an oasis of calm.

A place where the world shuts down and the noise stops.

Yes.

Exactly.

Your cares melt away as you step onto the heated stone floor.

Mmm, a warmth envelops you from within.

You lose yourself as you listen to the soothing trickle of the Japanese rock fountain.

Oh, which mingles harmoniously with the soothing trickle of the morphine drip.

Around you, cabinets full of pills await your every mood.

Your turn.

Medi-ta-tion room, not medi-ca-tion room.

You say "potato"...

Anyway, I hope you're getting a sense of what I'm trying to do.

Yeah, yeah, it's great. I'd go with it right now,

but I promised another designer that I would hear her ideas, too.

Maybe you know her? She works right next door.

Next door? When did a designer move into the--

Hey, neighbs.

Vince? Whenever you're ready, and I have a great idea for a meditation room.

Who's crazy now, huh, Grace?

I hate her. I hate Val, and I'm the kind of person who doesn't hate anyone!

You hate your sister.

Well, she's hateful!

But besides her, I don't hate anyone.

You hate your doorman.

Well, he calls me "kiddo" and clicks.

Besides my doorman and my sister, I don't hate anyone.

You hate Teri Hatcher.

Oh, who doesn't?!

Ok, fine! So I hate a lot of people, but I hate Val more!

She stole my ideas, then she has the audacity to come in here and ask to see my carpet samples?!

Oh, she was hitting on you?! Oh, God!

No, to use in her presentation and I told her no way is she borrowing my stuff. Over my dead body!

I think there's somebody back there stealing stuff!

I'm gonna hit her so hard!

Honey, no!

Just one in the face. It's the only thing she responds to.

No, no, no. Now come on. Come on. Come on. Come on. Now listen to me!

If there's anything I've learned from studying the ancient Chinese art of t'ai chi it's that if you do it in the morning,

a couple hours later you're gonna want to do it again.

You know what I’m talking about?

But if there’s another thing I learned, it’s that violence is never the answer.

You’re right. Of course, of course, you’re right.

Oh ho! Come on, come on now!

Now, the important thing is to blend in.

Remember, we are two gay laptop users on a date.

It's only a matter of time.

All right. Should I be wearing a bullet-proof vest?

Or, considering this is a gay bar, a bullet-proof leather vest?

No, you look fine, Will. You're doing the right thing.

If we had more people like you, we'd get some of that scum off the streets.

Now, look at me like you love me.

What? Oh! Oh, I see. Because the-- Right.

Ok, um... how's this?

I'm sorry. It's just--

you--you looked like you were buying it.

Did I?

You know, I'm kinda surprised that anybody would bring their laptop to a bar.

Hold my hand.

Sure.

You know, but I guess gay people are more likely to come straight from the office with their laptops,

have a few drinks, and that's when it happens.

That's a good observation. You'd make a hell of a cop--

Perceptive, intelligent.

You got a set of eyes like two inviting pools of chocolate pudding.

Well, we look for that on the force.

Love this song.

Got a good beat.

I guess that would make us "good beat" cops.

You wanna dance?

Oh! Oh, so that way we leave the laptops unattended.

Yeah, sure. Whatever.

Hey, that guy looks suspicious.

He's in a gay bar eating a hot dog without any irony.

You stay right where you are.

I'm gonna try to get a better view.

Oh, yeah. I can see a lot better from back here.

Oh, hey, honey. How you doing?

Great. I took all my anger towards Val and I put it entirely into my work.

Well, maybe not entirely.

I did make a crank call to Teri Hatcher.

That's so funny, Vince!

Hi, Grace.

Hey, G-Love.

Listen, I ran into Val in the lobby, and she had an interesting idea

to combine both of your presentations into the same meeting. What do you think, huh?

Wow. Well, um, you know, I'm not really one to combine things.

I mean, I can't even eat my peas if they're touching the meat, especially if the meat is crazy.

But--but if it will save you time, then let's do it.

Yeah, let's do it.

'Cause this woman has more talent in her little-boy breasts than you have in your whole body.

Ok, I have some sketches here for the living room.

I have some sketches, too, Vince, but unfortunately they're up here in the ol' kanoodle.

Ok. Why don't we now hear some ideas for the bedroom?

Ok. Well, first of all, I think what we need to do in here is to--

Create an intimate feeling.

And I thought--

One way we could accomplish that is to upholster the walls with a lovely silk moiré.

That will give the room a sense of luxury, and it will also absorb some of the sound.

Your other option, of course, is to cover the walls with--

Stop it.

You stop it!

You stop it! You're a nutjob!

You're a nutjob!

You're a nutjob!

Ladies, ladies!

Oh, ladies.

Vince, I think these two ponies need to be hosed down.

Come out in the hallway for a minute while I talk to them, ok?

Yeah, sure.

Thanks.

So what's the matter, Grace?

You can't compete with another designer who actually has a little talent?!

You stole my ideas, freak show!

Oh, puh-leaze!

You!

Ladies! Ladies! Ladies! Ladies!

Hey! Hey! Hey! Come. Come. Come. No, no, no, no.

Come on, ladies. Stop it!

Stop it right now, both of you!

Come here. Come here. Come here right now.

Oh! Come here. Ok. Whoa.

Now, listen to me! I'm ashamed of both of you.

If there is one thing that I have learned from studying the ancient Chinese art of t'ai chi...

is that violence is never the answer, but sometimes it is.

Is she out?

She's out.

Ok. Honey, you go get Vince. I'll get rid of the body.

Uh, should we maybe go--

We should keep dancing.

The number-one lesson when you're on a stakeout is never change your spot if it's good.

Hey, that's annoying.

Hang on. Let me just get this out.

Feel a little awkward.

It's been a long time since I slow-danced...

with a cop...

whose gun is poking me in the back...

I hope.

Yeah, you know, actually I could use a drink.

Oh, yeah, I'll get you one, honey.

Did--did you--

Did you just call me "honey"?

Uh, cop talk.

It's the way we talk at the precinct-- Honey, sweetie, Sarge.

I'll get you a drink.

Oh, my God! We need to talk.

When were you gonna tell me you were dating freaky teeth guy?!

"Freaky teeth guy"?

You have no idea what you're getting yourself into.

I'd help you, but it's not my problem.

Tell me about freaky teeth guy.

Let's see. We got spinach dip, chives, poppy seed bagel, and chocolate chip cookies. I--

Uh, you got anything else?

Oh, I'll just bring it anyway in case we change our minds.

You know, detective, I-- I have to confess.

Um... at one point tonight when I was with you, I kind of forgot we were even looking for my laptop.

I--I just felt like I was with you.

You know what I mean?

I know what you mean.

The Sarge at the precinct had an expression for it-- Chemistry.

But you're not even gay.

Guess I'm barking up the wrong tree.

You mean you're--

Yes, I am.

I'm not gonna lie about it anymore, because there's one thing--

Don't touch the dip.

Oh, I'm sorry. I just need to nosh when I'm nervous. Go on.

No, well, you know, the first time I saw you when this investigation began, I wasn't sure--

I'm not kidding about the dip.

Just--I just want a little bit.

All right, Will.

I want you to drop the bagel and step away from the dip.

Ok. Maybe just one cookie.

Why'd you do that?!

Problem, officer?

What's the matter, detective? Afraid you'll see some food in my teeth?

Just like you're afraid to ask guys out so you make up some crazy story in order to spend time with them?

Who told you that?

Let's just say I know a little bird who sang.

Who?!

There is no gay laptop ring, is there?

No.

And cops don't call each other "honey"?

No.

Or "sweetie"?

One does.

Will, this is new to me. You know, it's really hard. I've never dated before.

Oh, please! You've already done the hard part. You came out.

Now is when you're supposed to have a little fun.

Don't do this to yourself. Just go and ask a guy out. The worst he can say is no.

And even then you'll probably still get a little action. I mean, we are guys.

That's good advice, Will. Thank you.

So is there anything you want to ask me?

I don't think so, not with that crap on your teeth.

Take care.

Ok, huge news! Gather round!

Where's everybody?

Are you the only one here? Where's Will? Not here? Ok, that's fine. You'll do. Come on.

Hey, I was just watching a special:

"The Ten Greatest Bathrooms in the World." They were just about to do number two.

That sounded bad. Go ahead.

Ok.

As you know, this weekend, my new show opens at the Duplex,

and this year, I'm giving my fans something I know they're dying for.

Their money back?

Wait. I don't-- Was it-- I-- Was that a joke? 'Cause--that's fine. Ok.

Ok. This year, my show will feature...

Wait for it. Here it comes. Are you sittin'? It's on its way. Are you sittin'?

Just say it!

Magic.

Jack, I did not know that you know magic.

But of course.

When I was a kid, I used to lock myself in my room with handcuffs...

Wait. That's not my magic story.

Anyway, I can do it, and the reason I'm here is because I need a lovely assistant.

I'm flattered.

So I was thinking of asking Karen,

and that's why I'm here. I need your opinion. Is she a good assistant?

How do I put this?

She's as good an assistant... as you are an entertainer.

You're the best, Grace.

I'm thanking you in the program under the pseudonym "Citizens of New York."

Thank you.

Jack, where were you? You were supposed to go to the HRC dinner with me.

I know. I wanted to, but I just didn't have a cute little tank top and shorts to wear.

Uh, let me explain this again. It's HRC, the Human Rights Campaign, not HRC, the Health and Racket Club.

It's a gay and lesbian advocacy group.

Ok, uh, I'm gonna tell you guys again, ok? I didn't have a cute little tank top and shorts to wear.

Ok. Hey, G. Tell W about the magic. Get him up to speed. Thank you.

Do I care about any of that?

Absolutely not.

How was the dinner?

It was amazing.

2,500 gay men who care.

It's, uh... everything my life is lacking.

Ooh! Guess what I got at the silent auction?!

I won a photo session with Fannie Lieber.

No!

Oh, my God!

I know!

I love her!

She is so edgy. She's genius.

She once took a picture of Martha Stewart when she wasn't selling anything.

She looked so vulnerable.

I just--I just wanted to hug her, but...

but you couldn't, 'cause she's Martha Stewart, you know.

Well, anyway, here's the cool part. The picture is gonna appear in her next coffee table book.

All family portraits, and I'm thinkin' since my parents are splitting up,

and I haven't been able to sit on a couch with my brothers since the invention of the noogie, that... You and me.

What?

Hell. You're my family.

Ooh, Will, that's so sweet.

You win this huge thing at an auction, and you think of me? Do I have to kick in?

No.

Oh!

I--I won the family portrait at the HRC auction last week.

I beat out two lesbians with a Chihuahua.

Oh, great. People who've never been in front of a camera before. Joy.

Um, excuse me. Excuse me.

I've been professionally photographed.

Wait, uh, are you talking about that picture your dermatologist took of that freaky skin rash?

Will.

Yes, I am. Don't embarrass me!

Ow! Sorry!

Ok, look. Just so you know, this is a drug free environment, all right?

Fannie's about to get her 90-day chip, and we're all doin' our best to support her.

Me, I got 10 years under my belt... and nothin' to show for it but a clean carpet and an empty bed.

Well, uh, we're pretty much drug free.

I mean, I've got a Claritin... and he's got a Propecia.

That's for the rash comment.

Do me a favor, babe.

Get me a Red Bull and one of those candy necklaces.

You guys won the, uh, gay auction, huh?

Good for you. I love fags. I married three of 'em.

Wow. Lucky.

We--we are huge-- huge fans of your work.

I mean, I've gotta tell you, that picture of Bette Midler in the tub of baked beans...

It brought two of my favorite things together.

Hold on. I got to, uh, reload.

What is the deal with her? I thought she'd be so dynamic.

Instead, she's like sad clerk at Blockbuster.

"I'm sorry. We're outta Shrek."

Grace, I--I'm a model, so let me explain this to you.

Photographers are observers. they're-- they're low-key. They tend to fade into the background.

Whoo! I am in the mood for F-ing life!

What-- What happened to her?

I don't know, but we need to get a curtain like that for our house.

Do you believe in magic?

I do!

In a young girl's heart?

Music can free her whenever it starts. Magic.

And it's starting right now.

Good, 'cause I don't think I can wait any longer for some of that old Jack Daniels!

Jack magic.

Honey, you say "potato," I say, "vodka."

Now for my first trick, I will turn everyone in the audience gay.

Ala-kazam, ala-kum-hot, ala-kum-dum...

Poofter! You're all gay!

Didn't need any magic for that one.

Now for my next trick, I will ask my lovely assistant to step inside the magic box.

Uh-oh, I might be a little rusty.

I haven't done that since my junior year at Sarah Lawrence.

Here she goes.

Hocus...

Uh... Um, line?

Pocus!

Pocus!

Oh!

It's a little jack-- rabbit.

Ok.

Hocus...

Are you ready?

No. Oh!

Karen?

Yeah?

Are you ready?

Oh! Ok, ok, yeah.

Pocus!

JThank you. Thank you.

Now for my next trick, I'll need a volunteer, which would be a nice change of pace, seeing as they usually charge me.

Honey, honey! I just had an idea for a trick!

Oh, heh. An unscripted moment.

Almost as pleasant to behold as Liza's new bride.

Ok. Watch as I double the number of people in the audience.

Come on, strap one on me! I'm ready to shoot.

Wait, wait, wait. Before--before we start, I mean, is what I'm wearing ok?

Ok, the shirt's off.

Oh, hey. Ok, Will, she's takin' my pants off.

Oh, you're Jewish.

How could you tell that?

Cheap underwear.

It's ok. I love the Jews. I married three of 'em. Ok, let's go!

You are so hot. Oh, boy, you know, I bet boys and girls like you. Ok, let's go!

Uh, what about me?

What about you?

Oh! Oh!

Where's my Bull?!

Yeah. Uh... I--I meant more, like, I'm not crazy about my forehead.

Is there any angle you could shoot me from to kinda minimize that?

You know, I'm not in the business of minimizing foreheads.

I'm in the business of maximizing truth. You have a big forehead, and that's the truth.

Ok, now... ok, this is how we do it here.

I'm gonna give you some simple directions. You do exactly what I say. No questions.

Ok, let's have some music.

My bonnie lies over the ocean, my bonnie lies over the sea--

Not you! Crank it, come on!

Ok, gimme some shoulder. Let the arms go. Let the arms go.

All right. Ok. Shake it. Shake it. Shake it. Ok. All right. Ok. Ok, roll the head. Roll it.

Roll it. Ok. Jaw. Jaw. Lips. Chest. Chest. Chest.

Chest! Chest! You're not givin' it to me!

I don't have it to give!

Ok, ok, now, push your heads together. Push your heads together.

Lock knees. Lock knees. I'm gonna get a little lower.

A little lower. A little lower. A little lower.

Uh, Fannie?

Ms. Lieber?

Is she ok?

We should check.

That's it. We're done.

Wake me when David Geffen's dalmation gets here.

Ok. What the hell were you doin' goin' off book tonight?

What are you talking about? Honey, we killed!

I'm talkin' about that cruise ship comedy you did with your drink.

My show is planned down to the smallest detail.

From the arch in my eye, to the limp in my wrist, and you pulled some cheap comedy bit we've seen 1,000 times? God!

Oh, honey, who cares?

I was a big hit, and you know-- Oh, I had another idea for our next show.

You don't get to have ideas.

This show is called "That Old Jack Magic," not "That Old Assistant's Magic."

Oh! Old?!

Well, how do you know that? There are parts of me that were just a twinkle in a scientist's eye three weeks ago.

Besides, I was just trying to help.

You wanna help? Then remember your place. You're the assistant...

And let's not forget where that word comes from-- Latin, meaning "ass of an ant."

So keep your ideas to yourself and assist. It shouldn't be that hard. It's what you do. Get it?

I'm gonna be so mad when my mood elevators wear off.

Guess what I got?

A cold sore? Me too!

No... I got our photograph from Fannie Lieber.

Oh. I was--I was just-- I was totally just makin'... Fannie Lieber! Oh, my God! Yay!

Yeah.

That was so sweet of you to wait for me!

Well, you would have waited for me.

Sure. Ok.

Oh, my god, I love it! Look at me!

I'm gorgeous!

The hair, the cheekbones, the lips. It's all workin' for me...

And you look good.

I look awful! Why am I so mad? I look like an angry foreigner.

"Could you tell me, please, where is Times Square?!"

I--I--I don't want this in any book.

What? No! I mean, what are you gonna do?

You can't go back to Fannie Lieber and tell her that you want a re-shoot.

Since when are you afraid to tell people what you think?

You walked right up to Kevin Spacey and told him he owed you 9 bucks for K-PAX.

I think it went something like this: "Hey, Spacey! Pay it forward!"

Ok, fine. We'll go.

I just don't understand why I should be punished for being so photogenic.

Now for my next trick, I'm gonna ask my lovely assistant to get inside the box.

Get in the box.

No!

Get in the box!

All right!

Sarah Lawrence. Cheap lesbian joke. I'm in the box.

Magic.

Hocus...

Pocus.

Thank you. Thank you.

It's a jack rabbit. Ok, a jack rabbit.

Ok. Hocus...

Pocus!

Hocus pocus!

Karen, come through the false back in the box!

Hocus pocus!

Karen?

You stink.

Oh, look who's here. Oh, my god. I had such fun with you guys.

Oh, God. The attitude you get from people who matter.

And you... you were so--

So tell me. How'd you like the picture?

I loved it.

You loved it.

I loved it.

You loved it.

I loved it.

Did you love it?

I didn't love it.

You didn't love it.

Didn't love it.

You just lost a dry hump, buddy.

It's just, you know, we were thinking because we're gonna be in the book that, maybe we can get a better picture.

You know, one where I where I look like a happy American.

You know, like, "Times Square? Why, yes, it's this way."

Whoa. You know, I have been doing this for a long time.

I mean, I have shot rock stars, politicians, movie stars, my own vagina...

and this is the first time anyone has ever, ever asked me for a re-shoot.

Yeah, but the difference is, you know, it's not a big deal to those people, or--

or to your vagina, but, you know, to us, this is-- this is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.

Please?

All right. Damn it!

Why am I such a sucker for a gay guy who begs?

The story of my life, sister.

Hey, you.

What's up, doc? I'm just--

You know, I never really noticed before how bloodshot your eyes are.

Karen?!

No. No, that's crazy.

You're a rabbit...

Right?

Well, just in case...

I'm so sorry.

You have to understand that fame, like Toby’s new lover, is a rude, ugly, gay guy.

I let it go to my head.

I should have been-- I should have been grateful to have any of your ideas.

This is nice. Is this mink?

Wait a minute. This is weird. This is totally weird.

I mean, you're-- you're a rabbit. You're not Karen. Are you?

Oh, you goof, turn around.

Oh, my god, Karen, I'm so sorry about all those things I said. I--

Hey, honey, it's ok. It's ok. I heard everything, and...

anything I missed, I'll--I'll get from that cat.

Forgiven?

And forgotten.

Hey, look at that. An upper.

Honey, that's really good. How'd you do that?

Do what? That's just in your ear.

Hey, now, that's a photograph. Look at that handsome fella.

I don't think I've ever looked better...

and--and you look good.

We're goin' back, aren't we?

Come on, darling. Look at me like I'm a bucket of chicken.

I wanna see that mixture of desire and fear.

Fannie.

Uh... hi!

Hello!

Oh, balls. You two?

Anyway, about-- About our picture...

Look at me. I look all-- all puffy and mannish.

I'm like Puff, the magic drag queen.

I love mine.

Ready for my dry hump.

We need a re-shoot,

and you might as well say yes now before I-- I make my gay guy beg for it.

Ok, Cindy. Go get some dinner. There's water and cigarettes in the back.

Yes! Ok. Ok, here we go.

All right. Ass. Teeth. Ass. Teeth.

Stop. There's not gonna be any picture.

What? What do you mean?

When he looked grotesque, you redid his!

Wh-wh-wh-wh-whoa. "Grotesque?" You said I didn't look that bad.

Sweetie, we have no time to pretend.

Don't you guys have anything better to do than obsess about looking perfect in some photo?

I mean, don't you have lives?

Yes, we have lives. I just got TiVo.

And I am this close to learning how to use it.

Well, how about getting something real to focus on like a dog or a plant or an addiction? I mean, something.

Look, I know Grace, and having some plant is not gonna make her care any less about looking like H.R. Puffy-Face.

And a dog is not gonna make him care any less about looking repulsive.

Why do you have to dig?

I'm not digging.

You just called me repulsive.

I didn't call you "grotesque."

Oh, please! You're just splitting hairs now. Repulsive--

Just do something. Have a baby. I don't know. I don't care. Just get out of my life.

Hey, that's a good idea. Let's have a baby.

Sure. That would make one hell of a family portrait.

Hey, Grace, wanna have a baby right now?

Yeah! I think I'm ready! Let's do it!

That's the one.

Ok... What do you wanna see?

Mmm, how 'bout something French, like with two girls kissing?

No, nothing with subtitles. It's my day off. I don't feel like reading.

Hey, sweetie.

We're thinking about going to a movie. What do you wanna see?

Anything but a documentary. It's my day off. I don't wanna learn.

What's up with the wine?

Mrs. Friedman from downstairs gave it to me.

It's actually a wonderful story.

She and her husband were saving it for a special occasion,

but then he, uh, died before they had a chance to open it, so she gave it to me and said, "Make your own special occasion"

I guess that story's not so much wonderful as it is incredibly sad.

You know what else is incredibly sad?

Poor people with big dreams.

Actually, that's not so much sad as it is incredibly funny.

You know, we should do this.

We should save the wine for a special occasion.

You know, something where the four of us have all done something that we're incredibly proud of.

You know, we can wait 20 years if we have to.

Ah, screw it. Open it. I wanna have a buzz for the movies.

One step ahead of you.

I never gave a crap about Mr. Friedman.

You know...

I hope I don't have any regrets like that when I'm 75.

I know. How do you deal with it, Karen?

Oh! Oh, Wilma. I have so much money.

You know the one thing I really wanna do before i die?

Run the marathon.

It would be such a feeling of accomplishment.

Mile one, down. Mile 2, down. Mile 3, down. Mile 4, down--

All right!

You know what I've always wanted to do? Perform...

on the Broadway stage. The make up, the wigs, the costumes.

And then I'd walk to the theater.

You know... there is something I've been putting off for a long time.

And I've avoided it because...

well, frankly, it scares me a little.

I'm supposed to have a conjugal visit with Stan.

You know what?

We should do all of these things.

Oh, come on, honey, that's easy for you to say.

All you gotta do is run a lousy marathon.

Stan weighs 5,000 pounds. It's 26 miles just circling him!

No, I'm serious. I'm tired of talking about it all the time.

I am going to train for the marathon, and I am going to do it.

You know what, G?

I'm gonna audition for a Broadway play, because if I can't make it there, I can't make it anyplace.

Hey! I'm gonna boink my fat husband in prison.

Well, I need to drink to that.

Come on, Kar. What do you think we should get, facials or colonics?

Mmm, I don't know. Let's flip a coin for it. Heads or tails? So long!

Ah... well, you've been a little quiet.

Isn't there something you wanna do before it's too late?

Hell, there's something.

I... wanna have a baby, you know, I... I wanna have a child.

And you should someday.

You're gonna make a terrific father.

Yeah. But I wanna do it now.

And I wanna do it with you.

I guess you're one of those therapists that likes us to start.

I hate that. I mean, I-- I don't hate you, just your methods.

I don't know you well enough to hate you.

Not to suggest that if I did know you I would hate you, but I guess it is always a possibility.

I mean, if you said something hateful, I--

$4.00 a minute, Grace.

Ok. Let me just get you up to speed.

Um... Gay. Straight.

Gentile. Jew.

36. 29.

33!

24.

Sold.

W-w-we... We've been best friends for, like, 15 years, and we've always said that one day we'd have a baby together.

And I wanna do it now, and she's not so sure, and...

ever since I brought it up, she's been avoiding me, and we've been having stupid fights.

I haven't been avoiding you.

You have, too!

I--I--I come in the room, and you scurry behind the couch like a silverfish.

Do you have to go to the anti-Semitic place?

What are you talking about?

Silver fish? Silverberg? Gefilte fish?

We get it.

You see, this would be one of the stupid fights.

Rosie, hi. Listen to this.

They don't even let you turn the lights out.

I can't have sex with Stan if I can see him!

How am I supposed to have a conjugal watchin' that con jiggle?!

Yeah. Ok. Thanks, honey. See you back at the mans.

I'm in the nude for love. Scooba da boo, salami...

Just in case he forgets his way.

What the...? Wha...

A security camera?!

Oh, I cannot believe this!

Oh, whatever happened to privacy?

I am outraged. I'm appalled! I'm...

I'm turned on!

Hot jazz!

What's that you say?

Sure, he can dance, but can he sing?

Maria. I just met a "girl" named Maria,

and suddenly I've found how wonderful a sound can be.

"Maria," say--

All right, what does that mean right there? What's going on there?

'Cause that's in my sightline, ok?

You know, um, when they flash the red light at the duplex, that means they want the guy to get off the stage!

Oh, no, I'm not leaving. No, I'm not getting off this stage.

I--I--I'm gonna read for your play, and do you know why?

Because I want it to be a runaway hit!

Hey! Hey! You don't even know who I am!

You don't even know what I can offer!

Why, I could--I could be the next Sir Judi Dench or Dame Ian McKellen!

Do you really wanna be known as the producers who passed that up?

Oh, my god, it totally worked.

Ok, look. Um...

I don't know if I'm ready for this.

I mean, there's a lot of things I wanna do with my life, and I don't know if I can do it with a baby.

I wanna travel the world.

Anywhere. Everywhere.

You know, as long as it's clean and they speak English and it's safe.

You've just narrowed your world travel plans down to Denver.

Grace...

what is the problem?

What are you--what are you doing here? We've always talked about doing this.

I know--

And you're always making us stop in front of baby Gap to go, "aw!" at the little high tops.

And the-- and the little baby backpacks!

I mean, why would a baby need a backpack?

Maybe to carry stuff to his homies' cribs.

I don't know! Let's just have a baby and find out.

Come on, what's holding you back?

I don't know. It's just-- what?

I--I guess a part of me does wanna have a baby, but...

Grace, it's me. If there's something you wanna say, just say it.

I'm just not sure I wanna do it with you.

What are you...

What do you mean, you don't wanna do it with me?

For years we've talked about how we're gonna do this!

When my--when my friend Claire wanted my sperm so she could have a baby, you said no because it was your sperm!

You practically planted a flag in my testicles!

Well, that's because it is my sperm.

But it's my safety sperm.

You know, like the safety school?

You apply to college, and it's the one school you know you're gonna get into just in case everything else falls through.

You're saying my sperm is Florida State?

Look, it--it was a fallback position.

It was always the thing that I was gonna do if I didn't find Mr. Right, and...

I'm just not sure that I'm ready to give up on that yet.

Yeah, well, you know, you're probably right.

I mean, just 'cause it didn't work out with Danny or Nathan or Josh or Ben or Bill or Mark or Six-Toe or Unibrow...

doesn't mean it won't work out with that pizza guy you've been eyeing.

I'm sure you two will be very happy together with your three beautiful children: Pepperoni, Mushroom, and Extra Cheese.

That was mean.

You know, this is all very easy for you.

I have the kid. You're a dad. You're happy.

But who am I in all this? The mom of my gay roommate's baby?

That's not exactly the family I dreamed of.

Well, you--you think this is my dream?

I never thought I'd have a child this way! I assumed I'd be with a guy!

You know... Rick, and six years into the relationship,

when we got tired of running a bed and breakfast in Vermont, we'd decide to have a family.

Ok, well, what about Rick? Where is Rick?

Is he in the TV room where you spend every Saturday night?

Does he appear on the gay channel that you added and don't think I know about?

I mean, you sat here, and you listed my--my failures!

At least I have failures to list! At least I tried!

You haven't had a serious relationship in five years!

No, I haven't!

Well, then maybe you need to ask yourself why you want this baby.

Is it because you are so full of love? And there's no one in your life?

And so now you wanna make a little guy or girl to give it to?

So what? Isn't that a perfectly good reason to have a baby?

I mean, isn't it? Isn't it?

It isn't, is it?

So you're really going to watch us have sex?

Well, honey, it isn't going to be pretty.

The good news is, it isn't going to be long either.

And it should be pretty quick, too.

I like you.

Oh! Stanley?

Hi, sweetheart.

Oh, I know, it's been so long. I can't wait to run up and throw my arms two-thirds of the way around you.

So come on--

What?

What do you mean you're not coming? What happened?

You son of a bitch.

How could you do this to me?

Well, it's been fun, cammie, but I'm outta here.

The bastard used his library time to do a little insider trading.

They found out, now he's going to be in for a lot longer.

Why couldn't he use his library time to read the Bible,

or expose himself to the newbies like the rest of the boys on Cellblock Fat?

What?!

No, you listen.

I've been putting on a brave face for eight months...

well, eight months ago in Brazil I had one put on.

But do you think this has been easy for me?

Well, it hasn't.

But I thought you were getting out soon, so I held on so that we could start our lives over.

And then you go and do this.

Boy, you screwed up, Stan.

No, I don't--

no, I don't know if I can forgive you.

And I'll tell you something else, Mr. Walker...

I'm tired, and I don't know if I can do this anymore.

Did you know about this?

And you didn’t tell me.

You should be ashamed of yourself.

I guess I just got caught up in the romantic notion of what it would be like to have a baby with her, you know?

I mean, you'd be all gorgeous and pregnant and glowing and booby.

You know, and...

when you had the baby, I'd be in the delivery room.

When you were pushing and screaming at me to rot in hell, I would.

And we'd raise him with the values that were important to us.

Respect for other people's opinions...

except for, you know, ones that were different than ours.

On his first date with a girl--or a boy.

Or if it's a girl, a boy... or a girl,

we'd be home, all nervous and waiting, but acting like we weren't.

Then one day, when he went off to college, we'd wave good-bye and...

look at each other and say, "You know what? We did a good job."

I want to have a baby with you!

Let's see.

"Please, Mr. O'Shaughnessy, I'm begging you.

I can't stand out here any longer in this unbearable--

"heat."

Oh... it's hot.

"We need food or else I fear my family will perish, and my harp will break."

Oh. Oh, "heart."

"My heart will break."

I said, "harp will break." Did you hear that?

Harp!

Ok. Where was I? Let's see. Ok.

"Deirdre's got no milk for the wee one, and the oldest girl is dead."

Harp! I can't believe I said harp! That is the funniest...

I thought the "P" was a "T". That's so funny.

Ok...ok, wait.

"So please, I'm begging you, it's only a loaf of bread to you, but for us, it's life."

Let me--let me try that again.

"It's only a loaf of bread to you...

it's only a loaf of bread...

It's only..."

I'm just going to stop.

I just...

it's just, um...

This isn't...

It's me.

I'm not good, am I?

Wait, don't answer that, I already know.

All these years...

everybody keeps telling me.

Thanks for your time, though.

You can, um, put your red light on now, 'cause I--I'm done...

with all of this.

I'm not an actor.

Really, it's ok.

You can turn it on.

And scene.

I can't...

I'm so confused.

You--you want to have a baby now?

I do. Do you?

I don't!

What?

But the reason we're here is because you wanted to have a baby.

I did, but then you talked me out of it.

But then you talked me into it with all your talk about talking me out of it.

But you haven't talked me back into it with all your talk of--of--of--of--

Talk me back into it!

Oh, this is ridiculous.

We don't sound like two people who should be having a child.

This is something we should be sure of.

Yeah.

You're right. I mean, it's...

it's not like super-sizing a happy meal.

Yeah, 'cause that's always a yes.

Will, we can do this.

I don't see how I can. I mean, what if--

w-w-what if I am doing this for all the wrong reasons?

What difference does it make what your reasons are for wanting to love a child?

Isn't the most important thing the love part?

And as far as I'm concerned, if Mr. Right and the father of my child turns out to be two different people,

would that be so bad?

What?

We got a million reasons not to do this, but I...

I just keep imagining this kid in some cosmic waiting room...

and he's our kid.

And I'd really like to meet him.

Me, too.

Are we doing this? I mean, are we going to have a baby?

Oh, my god, I guess we are!

Oh, god...

Well, we have two minutes left.

Is there anything we haven't covered?

I don't know.

After something that huge, it's kind of hard to, uh...

She never cleans up, and it really bugs me.

It's just a response to his compulsiveness.

Everything in the refrigerator has to face forward.

How else are you going to know what it is, huh?

Say something!

Ok, you ready?

My top three choices for baby names.

If it's a boy: Caleb, Elijah, and Jonah.

Great. You have any choices that were popular after Noah built the ark?

Ooh, Noah.

Ok. Now, don't worry.

If you wanna go more modern, I also have Louis, Erik, and Sebastian.

And for girls, I've got Vanessa, Ursula, and Ariel.

They're good, right?

Yeah. They're also characters from The Little Mermaid.

What?

I'm surprised you didn't put down Flounder and Scuttle.

We're gonna make a baby!

I know!

But don't forget what we talked about last night.

We're not gonna tell anyone about this baby until I'm actually pregnant.

Well, what about our friends?

No. No. Our friends will just make stupid comments and have stupid opinions.

That's a little unfair.

Are there any Hobbits left in America?

I take it back. That's totally fair.

'Cause I was up all night thinking about what my new calling in life should be.

There's been quite a void since I abandoned my acting career.

I thought your acting career was the void.

I just need something.

Like a--like a new direction.

That way.

Ok, I'm late for work.

Look, uh, I made you a nice lunch.

Don't forget your juice-box for the gym, and just lock up after you steal things.

Hey. What's going on with you?

What do you mean?

You're all pinched and clinched, like a man with a secret.

Nothing, I j--

Well, I do have kind of huge news, but I promised Grace I would not tell.

Come on! What is it?! Please?!

I can't. Grace is gonna honor her promise, and I must do the same.

You two are having a baby?!

Isn't it incredible?

Oh, honey, it really is. And you know, with everything that's been going on with me lately,

Stan staying in prison,

me all alone in a house with 16 servants, most of whom don't even jump anymore when I shoot at their feet...

Well, your news really gives me something to smile about.

Karen, it's so good to see you smile.

Hell, it's good to see you exhibit any human attribute.

Wow. So you and Will are having a baby.

Ok, now, before you start judging and saying things like,

"he's gay," and, "that's weird," and, "you're so flat that Will's gonna have to breast feed..."

you should know that we are very serious about this.

Well, of course you are.

Breast feed. I'm funny...

So, where is this baby going to live?

Well, you know, in my office, in a file folder.

Under "O" for offspring.

Here with us! What do you think?

Well, isn't that all cozy. One big happy family.

What's wrong with you?

Is this because I'm gay?

You feel you failed somehow, and now you need to get a new baby and start all over again?

I'm gay. And you're not my baby.

It's just--it's just...

It's just that this new baby is gonna come, and he's gonna be cuter than I am,

and younger than I am, and he's gonna have a better job than I do...

Well, sure. But we'll still love you.

I don't know. It all sounds kinda crazy.

We'll still pay for you.

Yay, we're having a baby!

Yeah, I thought so...

Ok, now, remember, Karen. Not a word about...

Oh. John Goodman.

Yes, Karen. John Goodman.

Also try to avoid the subject of baby.

Hello.

Hi, kid. How's the wife?

Same old, same old.

I mean, I bust my hump 14 hours a day.

Is it too much to ask to have dinner waiting for me on the table when I get home?

Yeah.

You should get rid of her.

I hear she sleeps around.

Ok, guys. Dinner's ready.

What?

We'll make popcorn later, watch "Buffy." That's fine.

No! Don't tell Karen and Grace I told you about the baby.

The baby. I got you. Yes, of course.

This looks so great!

Thanks. How about a toast? Hmm?

To Will and Grace's baby!

I can't believe you told her!

I can't believe you told him!

He doesn't count; he doesn't listen.

She doesn't count; she's always buzzed.

Hey! Hey! Hey!

Hey, come on, now!

Where are we?

I'm sorry, what?

Kids. Kids. Come on, it doesn't matter.

You two are having a baby, and, well...

We think it's wonderful.

Thank you.

I do ask that after you have completed the act of making sweet, sweet love

that you get Will a one-way ticket back to Homoville before he gets too comfortable in 'Gina Heights.

We are not having sex.

Of course not.

What? Why not?

Because we...

Um, hold on. Jack?

Totally, yes.

Jack. Elliot?

Oh, yes. Of course. Elliot, yeah.

Um, listen. You can't be here right now.

We're about to have a very serious conversation that isn't appropriate for a child your age.

Well, can I listen at the door?

Yeah, I think that'll be fine.

Thank you.

Guys, nobody will be having any sex.

Sorry, Grace.

What?!

That better be a joke.

Well, once upon a time you were attracted to me.

Yeah, a thousand years ago.

Before I saw you pluck your eyebrows and go to bed with moisturizing gloves.

If anything, you're the one who wants to have sex with me.

What?!

I see the way you look at me when I shave my legs.

Well, that's because it happens so infrequently, I have to take a minute to figure out what you're doing.

Ooh, that was low.

She should say something about his fat chin.

Ok. Ok. Ok. Ok. Let's stop this.

Will, I don't want to sleep with you.

Well, I don't wanna sleep with you, either.

So I guess we'll be doing, what, insemination.

Works for me.

Ok, you guys. You know, ok. Just don't say it so casually, ok?

Do you even know what insemination involves?

Of course.

Yes, thank you.

No, not really.

Not exactly.

Well, do you know?

Uh, hello?!

His own son was the result of insemination.

So if anyone knows, I think I do.

Elliot!

Insemination.

The guy goes to this lab, where he deposits his sperm,

then the doctor puts it into this machine that spins it around to get the best sample.

The woman goes to another place, where her doctor waits for the sample to arrive from the lab.

Then the doctor inserts the sample with a syringe, and, hopefully, that results in fertilization.

Wow.

I know.

So clinical.

So impersonal.

I know.

It sounds perfect.

Yeah.

And I don't have to shave my legs.

You know, the female reproductive system is so amazing. It's a miracle, really.

So complex. So beautiful.

Yow! What is that thing?!

God! It looks like the bad guy in a science fiction movie.

Oh, please.

Like your stuff looks like a box full of kittens?

It don't.

Excuse me. Mr. Truman?

Yes.

We need to talk about your sperm.

I knew it.

It's the Jacuzzi at the gym. He boiled them, didn't he?

No. Actually, it's chowder.

Thank you. You see, Grace? It's chowder.

That's good, right?

No.

It's actual chowder. Corn chowder.

Smells good. Peppery.

Not gonna do you any good.

What are you--

Oh, my God, I grabbed the wrong bag. This is Jack's lunch.

Jack has our baby juice?

Look, don't worry.

I'm sure Jack is smart enough-- I better get down to Barney's right away.

Hurry. Save little Sheila.

No. We talked about that.

No Sheila. Sheila's a whore's name.

You know, he's right.

Sheila is kind of whorey, don't you think?

We haven't met. Hi, I'm Sheila.

I am so sorry, I just--I--I...

Oh, don't apologize. I am a whore.

Terry, you gotta help me.

I gotta find my calling.

What do you think my new career should be?

Well, what are you looking for?

I don't know.

Something that speaks to my interests, you know?

Hot fashion, hot guys, hot clothes, hot pants. Anything hot.

Well, uh, how about this job?

What are you trying to tell me, huh?

That what I've been hungering for this whole time has been right in front of my face?

It is right here.

If it were a snake, it would have bit me.

Terry, you're a genius!

Thank you.

If we were both women, I'd marry ya.

Oh, from now on, I'm gonna dedicate my whole life to retail.

But first, I'm gonna have a nice, hot cup of soup.

Freeze!

What?

Don't!

What?

You've got my sperm.

Come again?

We must have switched bags this morning. Here's your soup,

and I'll take my-- Tequila.

Wait!

What?

Don't!

Why?

You have Will's sperm!

Oh, dear lord! Where?! Ooh! Oh!

In this bag. Please tell me that you didn't drink your lunch yet.

Honey, I just got done drinking breakfast.

You gotta give the liver a little time to digest.

Oh, thank God.

Finally, I have what I need to make my baby....

Mop n' Glo.

Rosario, it's Will!

Look, I think your floor wax got mixed up with my...

Be careful. The floor is very sticky.

Oh!

Oh!

I know.

I guess were not gonna be able to do this today.

Oh! I'm so disappointed.

I was all ready to...

leggo of my eggo.

Meet me back at the apartment. We'll talk about it.

All right. I'll be there as soon as I can.

Grace, quit stealing medical supplies and get out of there.

You don't know me.

Ah, Smitty.

I'm having a little hubby trouble.

How about cheering me up with one of your jokes?

I'm afraid I'm not in much of a joking mood.

You see, my wife died Christmas, and I just haven't been myself since.

Ah, Smitty. You always know just what to say.

You have a very delightful chuckle.

Oh, thank you.

They're real, too.

Lionel Banks.

Lionel, like the train. Banks, like money. And you are?

Anastasia Beaverhousen.

Anastasia, like Russian royalty.

Beaverhousen, like...

where the beaver live.

Dynamite.

What brings you to this lush paradise, Miss Beaver...housen?

Oh...I don't know, really.

Just killing time, I suppose.

Waiting for something good to happen.

Interesting.

I was just doing the same thing.

Looks like my wait is over.

Well, well.

Where did you come from, Lionel?

Did the Smooth-Talking Gigolo Convention let out early?

Listen, why don't we continue this in my very comfortable suite upstairs?

I've got loads of cash, so time is no issue.

Mr. Banks, you think I'm a hooker?!

That body, those clothes, that voice? Yes.

Well...

As flattered as I am by that, I'm afraid I have to disappoint you.

You don't have sex for money?

No, I do not!

For jewels, for furs, for mixed securities, like a lady!

But for money? How dare you?!

A thousand apologies.

I don't suppose there's any way you might forgive me for my highly inappropriate gaffe and allow me to buy you a drink?

Well...

that's very kind of you, Mr. Banks, but

I don't think that's such a good idea.

Is there a problem, my sweet?

You're not married, are you?

Well, as a matter of fact...

no, I'm not.

This is so depressing.

I was so sure that by the end of the day today, I would be with child.

Instead, I'm just with doughnut.

Well, you're still ovulating, right?

Well, first thing tomorrow, we'll go down to the sperm bank, we'll start all over again.

Oh, gosh.

There's gotta be an easier way to do this.

I mean, there's what, five billion people in the world?

I know.

And Mia Farrow's got, like, four billion of 'em.

If there was only a way to make this all simpler.

You know?

Just cut out the middle man.

Yeah, I know.

Feels like there's this obvious solution that's just staring us in the face.

Oh, Karen, I'm so glad you got Will and Grace this hotel room to consummate their dysfunctional relationship.

Well, honey, I figured since he's gay and she's a handlebar mustache away from being gay herself...

A frilly hotel room makes perfect sense.

How do you figure?

Oh, honey...

I don't care.

You know, I'm really glad they're doing this.

Maybe once Will's done with her, he can quit comin' after me.

I swear, sometimes he gives me looks like I haven't seen since I was an altar boy at Saint Margaret's.

You know, honey, I got the same thing with Grace.

I'm telling you, that girl is running out of excuses to get near my breasts.

"Karen, pick up that phone."

"Karen, will you send this fax?"

"Karen, get your boobs away from my face."

Well, I brought something that no straight love-making experience would be complete without.

A little gay porn.

Honey, come on. Let's get into position. Come on!

Oh, here they are!

Oh!

Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it!

I haven't had two people cheering me to have sex since I brought a Jewish doctor home for Thanksgiving.

Oh, honey. I'm so excited for you.

Karen, get your boobs away from my face!

Wha--I--What'd I tell you?

Ooh! I can't wait! This is gonna be disgusting!

Hey, where's the zoom on this thing? I'm gonna need to make everything look bigger.

Ok.

Yeah.

So, here we are.

Time to make a baby.

A baby.

MBaby!

So...

Yeah.

Ok. Let's get started.

All right. Here we go.

Makin' a baby.

Doin' the deed.

Down and dirty.

This isn't working for me.

This isn't gonna be a problem, right? I mean, come on. I mean, we're friends.

We've seen each other naked a hundred times.

Cinchy. Right?

All right. Here we go.

Start goin'.

Yeah, that's me.

You know, we--we really don't need to kiss.

Kissing is not necessary.

Who needs kissing?

It--it seems--

I'm just gonna-- I'll just, uh--

take your shirt off.

You know what? I can do this with my shirt on.

True! True! That's...

You know what? I mean--I mean-- you don't need these.

If anything, these hurt the process, right?

Twist my arm!

Basically, all I really need is--is that... there.

Therein lies the problem.

Maybe... maybe we should just try a different approach.

Yeah, you know, we--we--we don't need the romance.

Let's just-- let's just get raw.

You know, let's get savage.

Ok. You know what? We should just--

we should just attack each other like animals, you know?

Just like, you know, paw at each other...

Right?

That's good.

Yeah? Paw at you.

Yeah... That's—

Hey. Show me what you got.

A little hot love paw.

Grace! What the hell are you doing?!

I was being raw and savage like you said!

Well, it's not working.

No wonder you have trouble keeping boyfriends.

They can't get insurance.

Ok, all right, that's it.

I am going into the bathroom and getting naked.

You get under the covers and get ready for action.

'Cause when I come out, we're gonna put that babymaker to work.

WILL: You do this for me...

and I'll-- I'll get you those leather pants you've been eyeing.

Oh, thank you so much.

Yeah. Listen, I'd love to give you a tip, but I don't seem to--

Oh, wait a minute. Here you go. Ok.

Why, Lionel Banks, you filthy old man.

I heard the bell.

Are my pizzas here?

Oh, no, no. Just some flowers for me.

Oh, good.

Are you dead?

Good one, Ro-Ro. That's a good one.

Who are they from?

Oh, uh, Stan. They're from Stan.

Yeah, he likes to celebrate...

Tony Roma's birthday.

Liar!

Tony's birthday is in the fall.

Come on, give me the card, come here.

No! No!

Give it to me! Give it to me!

No! No!

Come on.

Lady, don't think I won't go in there.

You wouldn't dare.

Yeah, you're right.

Well...

Oh! Oh, oh, oh. No! Stop! Don't!

To the right! Pinch it! Stop!

Who's Lionel Banks?

Uh, he's the new bass player in my Lynyrd Skynyrd tribute band.

Sweet home Alabama, where the skies are--

Lady...!

All right!

I met him in a bar, he flirted with me. He thought I was a whore.

Made me feel...

I don't know, special.

But it's nothing.

Then why aren't you wearing your wedding ring?

RAre you thinking about cheating with this man?

Abandoning Mr. Stan?

No! Yes! Maybe! I don't know! I--

Oh, my P'Zone is here!

Jack, as you may have heard, Dorleen's manager position has become available.

Yeah, what happened to her?

Rehab. Big fan of the nose candy.

Blow, snow, ice. All of it just hoovered right up the snout.

Any snootch...

We're looking for a new floor manager, and Tristan and moi would like to offer it to you.

Me?! Manager?!

No. Floor manager.

That's even better. It's a two-word title, like homecoming queen.

Come on, Grace. How long does it take to get undressed?

Just give me another minute!

Steal stuff later!

We don't need another scale.

I can't do this.

Why? What's wrong?

Will, you're my best friend.

I love you.

I love what we have together and...

I don't want it to change.

Sex changes things. It always does.

We'll end up not calling, being awkward together, sleeping with the other person's friends just to spite them.

Ok, I might be personalizing on that one.

All I'm trying to say is...

if we're gonna bring a baby into the world, there can't be any weirdness between us.

So, I don't think I can do it this way.

Are you mad at me?

Yeah... maybe a little.

Here they are, Jack. The keys to your new office.

Oh, my god. I've never had my own office before.

I will try to honor the legacy of the bipolar blow monkey who had it before me.

Oh, and Jack, uh, you got this message. Something about a voice-over audition this afternoon.

You're not really going to do this, are you?

Absolutely not!

Show business is a harsh bitch of a mistress

who kicked me in the gut one too many times until I heaved up the regret of a millions yesteryears!

Huh?

I quit the biz.

My ass belongs to Barney's now.

Smart lady.

Enjoy your new office.

My own orifice.

I've arrived.

Homo, I don't think we're in Barney's anymore.

Where am I?

You're in heaven, Jack.

So, are you God?

It depends on which bathhouse you pray at.

Oh...my...Cher!

You are God!

Chastity, Elijah. It all makes sense.

Wait a minute. If this is heaven, does that mean I've died?

Only the entertainer part of you, Jack.

That's why I sent for you.

The world needs you.

But I can't go back to performing.

I've already broken it to my fan.

I'm a retail queen now.

No, you're not, Jackie.

You're the little boy who used to dance naked in front of his mirror.

Who grew up and--

and became that sensitive young teenager who danced naked in front of his mirror.

And spent way too much time at the gym to become the young man who dances naked in front of his mirror.

Don't ever stop dancing, Jack.

Don't ever stop dancing.

Show business needs you.

But if it needs me, how come I keep getting rejected?

You know, don't talk to me about rejection, ok?

I mean, look how many times I've gone down in flames.

Remember, I lost the Oscar for Moonstruck.

But you won the Oscar for Moonstruck!

And don't you forget it.

And if that doesn't convince you...

Hit it, boys!

This is a different kind of love song,

dedicated to everyone.

Different kind of love song...

Stop it! Stop it!

You're hawking your album during my dream?!

Well, somebody's gotta pay for the fog and the dancing fairies.

Remember, Jack, follow your bliss.

Follow your bliss, Jack.

Follow your bliss.

Follow your bliss.

Uh, my bliss is this way.

Follow your bliss.

Follow your bliss.

Jack. Jack? Wake up!

What's going...

What's going on?

Robert just bitch-slapped Terry because he pulled on his weave.

You better get down to women's shoes, pronzo.

It's a festival of tears and queers down there.

I'm sorry, Ruben. No can do.

What? But you're the floor manager.

Not anymore.

I'm a professional actor, and I have a non-union voice-over audition to go to.

You know, they charge for the bath robes.

Well, just as well.

I never would have been able to cram it in there with the VCR and The Bible.

And to think, I missed a shot in the sack with that.

Yeah.

What are we gonna do about that?

Well, if we don't do it today, we'll have to wait another month.

It's so weird that your eggs have an expiration date, you know?

They're like... eggs.

Anyway, I figured we'd go back to the insemination plan.

So, I booked you into the sperm bank at 10:00.

We've got an appointment at my gyno's at 12:00.

And then, bing, bang, boom, we're pregnant.

Actually, not bang; just a bing and a boom.

So, you're still sure you want to do this?

Absolutely.

Ok, I know that I was a little freaked out before about waiting for Mr. Right, but it's a fantasy.

I mean, what am I waiting for, some guy to ride up on a white horse?

Grace...

Come with me and be my looove.

I fantasize about the guy, not the horse.

Ok, let's do a final check.

You've got the stuff,

I've got the place to put it,

and two Kit Kat bars for energy.

We're good to go.

Yeah.

Nothing can go wrong now.

What did you just say?

I said, "nothing can go wrong."

I can't believe you just said that! You put a ken ayina hora on it!

What did you just say?

You put a ken ayina hora on it.

A Jewish jinx. You jinxed it. Quick, quick. Knock on wood.

Don't. You're-- you're spitting on me!

Hey, cabbie, you wouldn't happen to have the guts of a young chicken and some kosher salt?

Does it have to be kosher?

All right, that's it. We gotta get another cab. Pull over.

What are you talking about?

I'm not driving to our fertilization in a jinxed cab.

What, does the next one have to be driven by a rabbi?

It wouldn't hurt.

Come on, come on.

I'm about to break the heart of a lovely man whose only crime is wanting to get in my pants.

Come on. Give me something to smile about.

Well, I'm not sure I can do that, ma'am.

You see, I'm getting laid off. Today's my last day, and I have seven kids to feed.

Not as good as the wife one, but-- but still...

Pretty damn funny.

Ahh, Ms. Beaverhousen.

I came as soon as you called.

Oh, well...

that's really none of my business, but I'm glad you could make it.

I'm going to cut right to the chase.

I got us the Presidential Suite.

The bed is turned, the bath is drawn,

and there's a handy Filipino fellow ready to attend to whatever needs that I can't meet.

Shall we?

I didn't come here for a rendezvous. I came here to tell you something.

When I said before that I wasn't married... I was lying. I am married.

Well, I appreciate your honesty.

And now, I'm going to be honest with you.

I don't care.

Huh? B--? What?

Here's the key to the room.

If you're not there in five minutes, I'm going to commence with what my house boy calls "the manila folder."

I hope I see you.

Thank God we got out of that jinxed cab.

Nothing can go wrong now.

Damn it! I ken ayina hora-ed myself!

We're gonna miss our appointment!

Ok, look, it's right across the park. I can run for it. Give me the bag, quick.

No, I'll run. I'm faster.

If you get there with the sperm, where are they gonna put it?

You take the bag.

Hey, wait, wait, wait!

None's going anywhere till I get paid.

I don't have to pay you. You crashed!

Just give me half.

I'm not giving you anything!

Come on, haggle with me!

Hi, Grace.

Hi, Jack.

Going to my audition.

Going to make a baby.

Good luck.

Good luck to you, too.

We're about to close. Where's your girlfriend?

I'd like to fill her to the rim with him and catch the bus to Atlantic City.

Look, she's gonna be here any minute.

Hi...

What happens? Find out this fall on the next exciting episode of--

Stop, stop. Uh, Mr. McFarland, what's with the voice?

This is how an announcer talks.

Ok, we'll call you.

Yes! Oh, my god. This is so exciting!