Original subtitles

[Music]

[Music] you

you

you [Music]

who am i

who am i i'm adopted

i'm adopted

i'm adopted i'm a

i'm a

i'm a runaway i'm a

runaway i'm a

runaway i'm a homeless person

i'm a drug addict an alcoholic

i'm a drug addict an alcoholic [Music]

[Music]

[Music] i'm a sailor i'm a victim

i'm a sailor i'm a victim

i'm a sailor i'm a victim i'm a widow

i'm a widow

i'm a widow i'm a divorcee

i'm a divorcee

i'm a divorcee [Music]

[Music]

[Music] i'm abused and an abuser

i'm abused and an abuser

i'm abused and an abuser i'm

god

god [Music]

[Music]

[Music] [Applause]

[Applause]

[Applause] [Music]

[Music]

[Music] good days bad days

good days bad days

good days bad days today started off good

today started off good

today started off good because i've been

because i've been

because i've been thinking about this and telling my story

thinking about this and telling my story

thinking about this and telling my story and i see it clearer and more truth

and i see it clearer and more truth

and i see it clearer and more truth comes to it where i don't have to beat

comes to it where i don't have to beat

comes to it where i don't have to beat myself up anymore

myself up anymore

myself up anymore so the work continues on a daily basis

so the work continues on a daily basis

so the work continues on a daily basis it's not easy

it's not easy

it's not easy you know they don't have a magic pill

you know they don't have a magic pill

you know they don't have a magic pill and i've got to remind myself of who do

and i've got to remind myself of who do

and i've got to remind myself of who do i want to be in this situation do i want

i want to be in this situation do i want

i want to be in this situation do i want to remain a victim or do i want to be a

to remain a victim or do i want to be a

to remain a victim or do i want to be a survivor from these situations and i

survivor from these situations and i

survivor from these situations and i choose to be a survivor today

was adopted at birth

was adopted at birth i was adopted into a very wealthy family

i was adopted into a very wealthy family

i was adopted into a very wealthy family and we lived in a very

and we lived in a very

and we lived in a very expensive new england town

expensive new england town

expensive new england town near the water

near the water

near the water mother was very overwhelmed

mother was very overwhelmed

mother was very overwhelmed with

with

with four children

four children

four children my brother seemed to be striving with

my brother seemed to be striving with

my brother seemed to be striving with his friends he was very social me i was

his friends he was very social me i was

his friends he was very social me i was more

more

more you know one one friend kind of girl

you know one one friend kind of girl

you know one one friend kind of girl and

and

and my sisters they kind of hung out

my sisters they kind of hung out

my sisters they kind of hung out together

together

together there were four of us and see leslie and

there were four of us and see leslie and

there were four of us and see leslie and heather in that order and

heather in that order and

heather in that order and shortly thereafter we got a dog heidi so

shortly thereafter we got a dog heidi so

shortly thereafter we got a dog heidi so there were an awful lot of rules and

there were an awful lot of rules and

there were an awful lot of rules and regulations were conservative

regulations were conservative

regulations were conservative republicans

republicans

republicans and

and

and everything that comes along with that

everything that comes along with that

everything that comes along with that back in the 70s and 80s

back in the 70s and 80s

back in the 70s and 80s you know there was a lot of

elephant pants and hip huggers i wanted

elephant pants and hip huggers i wanted to be a part of all that my father was

to be a part of all that my father was

to be a part of all that my father was always wore a suit and tie to dinner

always wore a suit and tie to dinner

always wore a suit and tie to dinner always dressed for dinner very formal

always dressed for dinner very formal

always dressed for dinner very formal even summertime when we had dinner out

even summertime when we had dinner out

even summertime when we had dinner out on the out on the porch

on the out on the porch

on the out on the porch it was uh with candles

it was uh with candles

it was uh with candles and he would at the very least wear a

and he would at the very least wear a

and he would at the very least wear a blazer so it was always a very formal

blazer so it was always a very formal

blazer so it was always a very formal occasion and nancy being nancy just

occasion and nancy being nancy just

occasion and nancy being nancy just didn't um

didn't um

didn't um didn't fit in with it the way the rest

didn't fit in with it the way the rest

didn't fit in with it the way the rest of us did or

of us did or

of us did or adapted to it the way the rest of us did

with the absence of dad going on

with the absence of dad going on business trips and mom kind of being

business trips and mom kind of being

business trips and mom kind of being alone and her trying to make her way in

alone and her trying to make her way in

alone and her trying to make her way in society being the social light she was

society being the social light she was

society being the social light she was there wasn't a lot of attention for us

there wasn't a lot of attention for us

there wasn't a lot of attention for us kids

kids

kids i remember one of my first memories as a

i remember one of my first memories as a

i remember one of my first memories as a child

child

child was being in the crib in this room

was being in the crib in this room

was being in the crib in this room and just crying and crying and looking

and just crying and crying and looking

and just crying and crying and looking at the door and no one coming through it

at the door and no one coming through it

at the door and no one coming through it and that was one of my first childhood

and that was one of my first childhood

and that was one of my first childhood memories was that crib

memories was that crib

memories was that crib and that door

and that door

and that door when someone said oh that's so wonderful

when someone said oh that's so wonderful

when someone said oh that's so wonderful that those parents of yours adopted you

that those parents of yours adopted you

that those parents of yours adopted you that they accepted you into their life

that they accepted you into their life

that they accepted you into their life what good people they were

what good people they were

what good people they were in my mind i'm thinking yeah that's

in my mind i'm thinking yeah that's

in my mind i'm thinking yeah that's really nice that they adopted me

really nice that they adopted me

really nice that they adopted me i'm very happy to have been adopted into

i'm very happy to have been adopted into

i'm very happy to have been adopted into a

a

a family but

family but

family but why did my mother give me away why did

why did my mother give me away why did

why did my mother give me away why did my father not want me

my father not want me

my father not want me what was it about me that they didn't

what was it about me that they didn't

what was it about me that they didn't love enough to keep me

love enough to keep me

love enough to keep me why did they throw me away

why did they throw me away

why did they throw me away who am i

my mother actually tried to take me back

my mother actually tried to take me back to the orphanage

to the orphanage

to the orphanage because she had found out after adopting

because she had found out after adopting

because she had found out after adopting my brother and myself that she was

my brother and myself that she was

my brother and myself that she was pregnant and she

pregnant and she

pregnant and she was overwhelmed with the thought of

was overwhelmed with the thought of

was overwhelmed with the thought of having three infants at one time and the

having three infants at one time and the

having three infants at one time and the orphanage

orphanage

orphanage said that

said that

said that she could not return me

she could not return me

she could not return me that i was not like a merchandise

that i was not like a merchandise

that i was not like a merchandise and my mother had told me this at the

and my mother had told me this at the

and my mother had told me this at the age of 12.

age of 12.

age of 12. so i became very

defiant

defiant and very

and very

and very angry

angry

angry when i was 12 or 13 i went up with some

when i was 12 or 13 i went up with some

when i was 12 or 13 i went up with some friends

friends

friends to go to a movie

to go to a movie

to go to a movie and instead of going to the movie we

and instead of going to the movie we

and instead of going to the movie we asked some men to

asked some men to

asked some men to buy us some beer

buy us some beer

buy us some beer and southern comfort

and southern comfort

and southern comfort and they did and we went up to the

and they did and we went up to the

and they did and we went up to the graveyard with these gentlemen

graveyard with these gentlemen

graveyard with these gentlemen and we drank

and we drank

and we drank and the police came and arrested us my

and the police came and arrested us my

and the police came and arrested us my parents weren't there that weekend but

parents weren't there that weekend but

parents weren't there that weekend but when they came home and they were just

when they came home and they were just

when they came home and they were just disgusted with me

disgusted with me

disgusted with me well i knew that guy

well i knew that guy

well i knew that guy he had called we had exchanged numbers

he had called we had exchanged numbers

he had called we had exchanged numbers well he was 21.

well he was 21.

well he was 21. um

um

um and we got together afterwards and we

and we got together afterwards and we

and we got together afterwards and we had sex

had sex

had sex and um

and um

and um i had told my mother what had happened

i had told my mother what had happened

i had told my mother what had happened and she called me promiscuous and very

and she called me promiscuous and very

and she called me promiscuous and very easy

easy

easy it was funny because

it was funny because

it was funny because my two friends didn't get in trouble

my two friends didn't get in trouble

my two friends didn't get in trouble they were like okay you learned your

they were like okay you learned your

they were like okay you learned your lesson

lesson

lesson they didn't get arrested

they didn't get arrested

they didn't get arrested you know the charges were dropped

you know the charges were dropped

you know the charges were dropped against them my father said no you need

against them my father said no you need

against them my father said no you need to face your consequences oh they kept

to face your consequences oh they kept

to face your consequences oh they kept the charges against me

the charges against me

the charges against me the two guys

the two guys

the two guys didn't get charged

didn't get charged

didn't get charged so i was the only one

so i was the only one

so i was the only one that had to go stand before a judge

that had to go stand before a judge

that had to go stand before a judge when i went to court my mother was like

when i went to court my mother was like

when i went to court my mother was like you know you need to take this girl i

you know you need to take this girl i

you know you need to take this girl i don't know what to do with her they

don't know what to do with her they

don't know what to do with her they actually gave me up

actually gave me up

actually gave me up they said make her a ward of the state

they said make her a ward of the state

they said make her a ward of the state we can't handle her

we can't handle her

we can't handle her back then i don't think anybody realized

back then i don't think anybody realized

back then i don't think anybody realized the damage that had been done

the damage that had been done

the damage that had been done to this little girl

to this little girl

to this little girl who who didn't know

who who didn't know

who who didn't know and then to be bombarded

and then to be bombarded

and then to be bombarded with such labeling

with such labeling

with such labeling from her

from her

from her own

own

own family

family

family from these

from these

from these beautiful people that had adopted this

beautiful people that had adopted this

beautiful people that had adopted this unwanted child

i went into the detention center

i went into the detention center straight from this little

straight from this little

straight from this little uptown

uptown

uptown community high society upper middle

community high society upper middle

community high society upper middle class

class

class to the dregs

to the dregs

to the dregs of

of

of detention

detention

detention i was put in foster homes

i was put in foster homes

i was put in foster homes and they were

and they were

and they were horrible

horrible

horrible three or four

three or four

three or four probably more

probably more

probably more and they were wretched places

and they were wretched places

and they were wretched places a lot of abuse neglect

a lot of abuse neglect

a lot of abuse neglect you hear the worst of the worst well i

you hear the worst of the worst well i

you hear the worst of the worst well i saw the worst of the worst

saw the worst of the worst

saw the worst of the worst i saw it

i saw it

i saw it i told people

i told people

i told people people say you need to be quiet

people say you need to be quiet

people say you need to be quiet you're just a child what do you know

you're just a child what do you know

you're just a child what do you know [Music]

[Music]

[Music] i felt better sleeping in the condos

i felt better sleeping in the condos

i felt better sleeping in the condos i felt safer

i felt safer

i felt safer one o'clock in the morning sleeping on a

one o'clock in the morning sleeping on a

one o'clock in the morning sleeping on a bench in the boston commons safer there

bench in the boston commons safer there

bench in the boston commons safer there than they did in a foster home

than they did in a foster home

than they did in a foster home i was just so lost

i was just so lost

i was just so lost so lost and abandoned

so lost and abandoned

so lost and abandoned and i just felt like

and i just felt like

and i just felt like you know there was nothing i could do or

you know there was nothing i could do or

you know there was nothing i could do or say

say

say [Music]

it was freezing cold and she ran away

it was freezing cold and she ran away from home lived in subways in boston

from home lived in subways in boston

from home lived in subways in boston and i know because my father and i went

and i know because my father and i went

and i know because my father and i went looking for at night

looking for at night

looking for at night down on tremont street

down on tremont street

down on tremont street down on dartmouth and that was very hard

down on dartmouth and that was very hard

down on dartmouth and that was very hard for uh

for uh

for uh me

me

me and my sisters

and my sisters

and my sisters because

because

because we were this prominent family in hingham

we were this prominent family in hingham

we were this prominent family in hingham and to have a member of our family act

and to have a member of our family act

and to have a member of our family act in such a way

in such a way

in such a way was

was

was was

was

was just unheard of

just unheard of

just unheard of and unfortunately then we became that

and unfortunately then we became that

and unfortunately then we became that family

lorenzo's here

lorenzo's here he'll cook me a full breakfast of eggs

he'll cook me a full breakfast of eggs

he'll cook me a full breakfast of eggs when i'm by myself bagel or

when i'm by myself bagel or

when i'm by myself bagel or frosted flakes

frosted flakes

frosted flakes not very healthy but i've gotta

not very healthy but i've gotta

not very healthy but i've gotta eat something to take my medicine i get

eat something to take my medicine i get

eat something to take my medicine i get every single point and i have to take my

every single point and i have to take my

every single point and i have to take my medicine if i don't

medicine if i don't

medicine if i don't then

then

then the anxiety and the depression

the anxiety and the depression

the anxiety and the depression will kick in

will kick in

will kick in like yesterday i was down for the count

like yesterday i was down for the count

like yesterday i was down for the count all day it was just not a very good day

all day it was just not a very good day

all day it was just not a very good day i can usually tell then i try to change

i can usually tell then i try to change

i can usually tell then i try to change my mind about the day

my mind about the day

my mind about the day today started off good and then i got

today started off good and then i got

today started off good and then i got into a little quibble with lorenzo

into a little quibble with lorenzo

into a little quibble with lorenzo which

which

which automatically just threw me

automatically just threw me

automatically just threw me to the left to the extreme when i should

to the left to the extreme when i should

to the left to the extreme when i should just walk away i'd engage

just walk away i'd engage

just walk away i'd engage so i'm practicing to try not to engage

so i'm practicing to try not to engage

so i'm practicing to try not to engage you can't change if you think that all

you can't change if you think that all

you can't change if you think that all your behaviors are appropriate you know

your behaviors are appropriate you know

your behaviors are appropriate you know if you don't see anything wrong with

if you don't see anything wrong with

if you don't see anything wrong with your behavior

your behavior

your behavior then there's then of course you're not

then there's then of course you're not

then there's then of course you're not going to change

going to change

going to change but i know

but i know

but i know that there's some i need some work done

that there's some i need some work done

that there's some i need some work done on my behaviors

on my behaviors

on my behaviors so i gotta get myself up and get

so i gotta get myself up and get

so i gotta get myself up and get motivated

motivated

motivated you know be that progress in motion

you know be that progress in motion

you know be that progress in motion because i say that to myself a lot

because i say that to myself a lot

because i say that to myself a lot i am progress in motion

i am progress in motion

i am progress in motion [Music]

[Music]

[Music] my father finally found me

my father finally found me

my father finally found me he had found

he had found

he had found had hired a

had hired a

had hired a private investigator my dad came down

private investigator my dad came down

private investigator my dad came down there and he grabbed my arm

there and he grabbed my arm

there and he grabbed my arm and i just looked at him i could just

and i just looked at him i could just

and i just looked at him i could just imagine

imagine

imagine how i looked at him it must been just

how i looked at him it must been just

how i looked at him it must been just pure hate

pure hate

pure hate pure hate just looking at him and i

pure hate just looking at him and i

pure hate just looking at him and i kicked him in the shin

kicked him in the shin

kicked him in the shin and he let go of me and i ran

and he let go of me and i ran

and he let go of me and i ran um

um

um but i felt so horrible

but i felt so horrible

but i felt so horrible i felt like

i felt like

i felt like just that horrible daughter

just that horrible daughter

just that horrible daughter that he had always thought i was

that he had always thought i was

that he had always thought i was i turned around went back and i

i turned around went back and i

i turned around went back and i apologized and they threw me in the car

sent me sent me to a mental hospital

sent me sent me to a mental hospital and then we had to go to mclean's

and then we had to go to mclean's

and then we had to go to mclean's hospital which

hospital which

hospital which i didn't particularly enjoy at all

i didn't particularly enjoy at all

i didn't particularly enjoy at all because there was so much

because there was so much

because there was so much anger

anger

anger and hatred

and hatred

and hatred and nancy had a lot of it too

and nancy had a lot of it too

and nancy had a lot of it too so that was very tough

so that was very tough

so that was very tough but

but

but you know we went because it was for

you know we went because it was for

you know we went because it was for nancy

nancy

nancy um

um

um and we just wanted her to get better and

and we just wanted her to get better and

and we just wanted her to get better and we wanted her to be okay and

we wanted her to be okay and

we wanted her to be okay and perhaps maybe find out the reasons why

perhaps maybe find out the reasons why

perhaps maybe find out the reasons why she was acting the way she was acting

she was acting the way she was acting

she was acting the way she was acting and doing the things that she was doing

and doing the things that she was doing

and doing the things that she was doing [Music]

[Music]

[Music] it didn't work

it didn't work

it didn't work therapy was hard this guy that ran the

therapy was hard this guy that ran the

therapy was hard this guy that ran the joint wouldn't say a word you could talk

joint wouldn't say a word you could talk

joint wouldn't say a word you could talk to him all night long he'd never say a

to him all night long he'd never say a

to him all night long he'd never say a damn thing

damn thing

damn thing it pissed my father off so much because

it pissed my father off so much because

it pissed my father off so much because we didn't know what to talk about

we didn't know what to talk about

we didn't know what to talk about and one night he said hey we've had

and one night he said hey we've had

and one night he said hey we've had enough of this we come here once a week

enough of this we come here once a week

enough of this we come here once a week and we come to this group and we don't

and we come to this group and we don't

and we come to this group and we don't do anything

do anything

do anything you know we've got a life

you know we've got a life

you know we've got a life and i'm empathizing with my family for

and i'm empathizing with my family for

and i'm empathizing with my family for having to come in here because of me

having to come in here because of me

having to come in here because of me because i'm this person i'm this bad

because i'm this person i'm this bad

because i'm this person i'm this bad person

person

person and i remember my father standing up

and i remember my father standing up

and i remember my father standing up and saying come on family let's go we're

and saying come on family let's go we're

and saying come on family let's go we're gonna go out to dinner and we're gonna

gonna go out to dinner and we're gonna

gonna go out to dinner and we're gonna we're gonna go have a good time for a

we're gonna go have a good time for a

we're gonna go have a good time for a change and i stood up and he said oh no

change and i stood up and he said oh no

change and i stood up and he said oh no you gotta stay here we're not gonna come

you gotta stay here we're not gonna come

you gotta stay here we're not gonna come back

so i get up i go in my room

so i get up i go in my room i start cutting myself

because it hurts

because it hurts that bad

that bad

that bad it was

it was

it was about three days later

about three days later

about three days later i ran home

i ran home

i ran home and i told my dad i said dad don't leave

and i told my dad i said dad don't leave

and i told my dad i said dad don't leave me there

me there

me there please let me come home

please let me come home

please let me come home please come home

please come home

please come home i've never ran home before please let me

i've never ran home before please let me

i've never ran home before please let me come home

i bagged him i

i bagged him i bagged him

bagged him

bagged him on my knees and i begged and i crawled

on my knees and i begged and i crawled

on my knees and i begged and i crawled he finally after about 10 minutes of

he finally after about 10 minutes of

he finally after about 10 minutes of this

this

this he said okay

he said okay

he said okay like it was nothing

like it was nothing

like it was nothing so uh

so uh

so uh we drove back to the

we drove back to the

we drove back to the hospital and uh he checked me out with a

hospital and uh he checked me out with a

hospital and uh he checked me out with a signature and it was done roller

signature and it was done roller

signature and it was done roller um

um

um it didn't bother me nearly as much as it

it didn't bother me nearly as much as it

it didn't bother me nearly as much as it bothered my parents my sisters

bothered my parents my sisters

bothered my parents my sisters it hurt them a lot and embarrassed them

it hurt them a lot and embarrassed them

it hurt them a lot and embarrassed them a lot

a lot

a lot but then she

but then she

but then she you know floundered for a while and

you know floundered for a while and

you know floundered for a while and tried community college and a couple of

tried community college and a couple of

tried community college and a couple of other things and then the navy

other things and then the navy

other things and then the navy that was probably one of the best things

that was probably one of the best things

that was probably one of the best things she ever did

my father had been in the navy my uncle

my father had been in the navy my uncle had been in the navy and we had a long

had been in the navy and we had a long

had been in the navy and we had a long line of navy people well

line of navy people well

line of navy people well troublemaker

troublemaker

troublemaker attention seeker to the air force

attention seeker to the air force

attention seeker to the air force they didn't want me

navy did maybe wanted me

navy did maybe wanted me so i joined the navy

so i joined the navy

so i joined the navy i went home that night

i went home that night

i went home that night and i grabbed my my uncle's ensign coat

and i grabbed my my uncle's ensign coat

and i grabbed my my uncle's ensign coat with all the

with all the

with all the gold and the

gold and the

gold and the ribbons took my

ribbons took my

ribbons took my enlistment papers and put them in the

enlistment papers and put them in the

enlistment papers and put them in the inside pocket

inside pocket

inside pocket grabbed a bottle of gin like good

grabbed a bottle of gin like good

grabbed a bottle of gin like good sailors do

sailors do

sailors do dad came home and i said

dad came home and i said

dad came home and i said you don't have to worry about me anymore

you don't have to worry about me anymore

you don't have to worry about me anymore so he looked at him he said he'll never

so he looked at him he said he'll never

so he looked at him he said he'll never make it boot camp was

make it boot camp was

make it boot camp was very interesting

very interesting

very interesting [Music]

[Music]

[Music] there were about 80 of us to start

there were about 80 of us to start

there were about 80 of us to start uh in this huge huge room of bunk beds

uh in this huge huge room of bunk beds

uh in this huge huge room of bunk beds we all showered at the same time we all

we all showered at the same time we all

we all showered at the same time we all ate at the same time we

ate at the same time we

ate at the same time we ran with rifles we ran miles push-ups

ran with rifles we ran miles push-ups

ran with rifles we ran miles push-ups everything we did after that was all

everything we did after that was all

everything we did after that was all said and done

said and done

said and done we dropped our number to about 60. i was

we dropped our number to about 60. i was

we dropped our number to about 60. i was told that i was going to be staying

told that i was going to be staying

told that i was going to be staying on the base and attending

on the base and attending

on the base and attending another two more schools i was like well

another two more schools i was like well

another two more schools i was like well what's up with that they're like oh no

what's up with that they're like oh no

what's up with that they're like oh no you're here for a reason

you're here for a reason

you're here for a reason you're going to a very

you're going to a very

you're going to a very special squadron

special squadron

special squadron very elite throughout it

very elite throughout it

very elite throughout it i strived

i strived

i strived i smiled i loved the exercise i loved

i smiled i loved the exercise i loved

i smiled i loved the exercise i loved the orders i loved being told what to do

the orders i loved being told what to do

the orders i loved being told what to do because i knew as long as i did what

because i knew as long as i did what

because i knew as long as i did what they told me to do i was going to be

they told me to do i was going to be

they told me to do i was going to be okay i wanted to be the all i could be i

okay i wanted to be the all i could be i

okay i wanted to be the all i could be i had this

had this

had this family now this big huge family and i

family now this big huge family and i

family now this big huge family and i had this

had this

had this work i had a direction i knew who i was

work i had a direction i knew who i was

work i had a direction i knew who i was i was on my way this was gonna be it

i was on my way this was gonna be it

i was on my way this was gonna be it this was my career this is all i've ever

this was my career this is all i've ever

this was my career this is all i've ever wanted to be accepted

wanted to be accepted

wanted to be accepted to be unified to

to be unified to

to be unified to know what i was doing to have knowledge

know what i was doing to have knowledge

know what i was doing to have knowledge of what i was doing to know the

of what i was doing to know the

of what i was doing to know the direction i'm going you know it was all

direction i'm going you know it was all

direction i'm going you know it was all laid out

laid out

laid out my home base

my home base

my home base was in brunswick maine and i checked in

was in brunswick maine and i checked in

was in brunswick maine and i checked in there

there

there and uh yeah there were 500 men

and uh yeah there were 500 men

and uh yeah there were 500 men and 13 women

and 13 women

and 13 women i was like okay i can do this because i

i was like okay i can do this because i

i was like okay i can do this because i wasn't afraid because we were all

wasn't afraid because we were all

wasn't afraid because we were all comrades this is my brethren this is my

comrades this is my brethren this is my

comrades this is my brethren this is my these are my people these are my my

these are my people these are my my

these are my people these are my my people didn't like me

people didn't like me

people didn't like me my people didn't like me at all because

my people didn't like me at all because

my people didn't like me at all because this was their squadron and this was the

this was their squadron and this was the

this was their squadron and this was the boys club and i started reading books

boys club and i started reading books

boys club and i started reading books and doing these tests and passing these

and doing these tests and passing these

and doing these tests and passing these tests

tests

tests so i ended up taking tests to become

so i ended up taking tests to become

so i ended up taking tests to become logs and records

logs and records

logs and records of the planes and there were eight

of the planes and there were eight

of the planes and there were eight aircraft

aircraft

aircraft and so i took the logs and records of

and so i took the logs and records of

and so i took the logs and records of all the aircraft and this was a good

all the aircraft and this was a good

all the aircraft and this was a good position usually held by a petty officer

position usually held by a petty officer

position usually held by a petty officer and i held that position and i worked in

and i held that position and i worked in

and i held that position and i worked in maintenance control and i handled all

maintenance control and i handled all

maintenance control and i handled all the boards and every day i get up and i

the boards and every day i get up and i

the boards and every day i get up and i do this and i go in early and i'd leave

do this and i go in early and i'd leave

do this and i go in early and i'd leave late and i took care of everything and

late and i took care of everything and

late and i took care of everything and my chief loved me and my commander loved

my chief loved me and my commander loved

my chief loved me and my commander loved me and everybody loved me the air crews

me and everybody loved me the air crews

me and everybody loved me the air crews loved me and i loved this one guy and

loved me and i loved this one guy and

loved me and i loved this one guy and his name was james smith iii

his name was james smith iii

his name was james smith iii and he was a cutie

and he was a cutie

and he was a cutie and me and him started dating and we

and me and him started dating and we

and me and him started dating and we loved each other

loved each other

loved each other and it was the first kind of love i'd

and it was the first kind of love i'd

and it was the first kind of love i'd ever experienced and was great and he

ever experienced and was great and he

ever experienced and was great and he was sweety

was sweety

was sweety we deployed to spain

we deployed to spain

we deployed to spain and when we got to spain

and when we got to spain

and when we got to spain they sent him to portugal for for a

they sent him to portugal for for a

they sent him to portugal for for a brief deployment

brief deployment

brief deployment and i was left in spain alone

and i was left in spain alone

and i was left in spain alone this the hallway

this the hallway

this the hallway in spain

in spain

in spain um ran through the whole barrett

um ran through the whole barrett

um ran through the whole barrett and it was pretty pretty nice better

and it was pretty pretty nice better

and it was pretty pretty nice better than the last barracks i had been in but

than the last barracks i had been in but

than the last barracks i had been in but there was a beer machine in the middle

there was a beer machine in the middle

there was a beer machine in the middle of the

of the

of the hallway

hallway

hallway and you

and you

and you when i was walking down there

when i was walking down there

when i was walking down there to the machine

to the machine

to the machine you put in your quarter

you put in your quarter

you put in your quarter and you get your little beer your little

and you get your little beer your little

and you get your little beer your little can of beer i remember going down there

can of beer i remember going down there

can of beer i remember going down there to get my beer and

to get my beer and

to get my beer and this guy popped out this navigator that

this guy popped out this navigator that

this guy popped out this navigator that i knew i seen him every day

i knew i seen him every day

i knew i seen him every day he said hey once you come in here you

he said hey once you come in here you

he said hey once you come in here you know have a beer watch them tell me

know have a beer watch them tell me

know have a beer watch them tell me whatever so i didn't think anything of

whatever so i didn't think anything of

whatever so i didn't think anything of it by going in the room well when i got

it by going in the room well when i got

it by going in the room well when i got in there i i realized there was no one

in there i i realized there was no one

in there i i realized there was no one else in there

else in there

else in there and i turned around the door closed

and i turned around the door closed

and i turned around the door closed locked and i was attacked

locked and i was attacked

locked and i was attacked i was raped

i was raped

i was raped and

and

and after

after

after he did what he needed to do

he did what he needed to do

he did what he needed to do and

and

and um i laid there freaking out because

um i laid there freaking out because

um i laid there freaking out because this was my brother and this was my

this was my brother and this was my

this was my brother and this was my family this was people i could count on

family this was people i could count on

family this was people i could count on and trust and these were this is my

and trust and these were this is my

and trust and these were this is my family and this is

family and this is

family and this is everything that i ever wanted and this

everything that i ever wanted and this

everything that i ever wanted and this is my home and my people and this is my

is my home and my people and this is my

is my home and my people and this is my world and this is my

world and this is my

world and this is my and this is all of it

and this is all of it

and this is all of it and this is everything that i've ever

and this is everything that i've ever

and this is everything that i've ever wanted

wanted

wanted and this is everything that i wanted in

and this is everything that i wanted in

and this is everything that i wanted in my whole world

my whole world

my whole world and my

and my

and my my guy isn't here

my guy isn't here

my guy isn't here and i'm all by myself

and i'm all by myself

and i'm all by myself and i'm scared

and i'm scared

and i'm scared and this guy's gonna kill me if i scream

and this guy's gonna kill me if i scream

and this guy's gonna kill me if i scream and he looks at me says you're dismissed

and he looks at me says you're dismissed

and he looks at me says you're dismissed you can go now

and i stagger

and i stagger literally stagger

literally stagger

literally stagger to my room as if i drank 10 of those

to my room as if i drank 10 of those

to my room as if i drank 10 of those beers and i hadn't taken a sip

and i lock myself in that room and i

and i lock myself in that room and i don't move for three days

don't move for three days

don't move for three days and i cry

and i cry

and i cry and i don't do anything i don't call

and i don't do anything i don't call

and i don't do anything i don't call anyone i don't do nothing

anyone i don't do nothing

anyone i don't do nothing and i think how easy and promiscuous i

and i think how easy and promiscuous i

and i think how easy and promiscuous i was and what a troublemaker i am

was and what a troublemaker i am

was and what a troublemaker i am and if i had only thought better

and if i had only thought better

and if i had only thought better if i only had to walk down that hallway

if i only had to walk down that hallway

if i only had to walk down that hallway and how could i have been so stupid

i'm thinking

i'm thinking no one's going to believe me

no one's going to believe me

no one's going to believe me i'm not going to be heard

i'm not going to be heard

i'm not going to be heard things will get switched around

things will get switched around

things will get switched around my wording will get switched i'll look

my wording will get switched i'll look

my wording will get switched i'll look like the bad guy everything will change

like the bad guy everything will change

like the bad guy everything will change you know and this was my first normalcy

you know and this was my first normalcy

you know and this was my first normalcy of my life was the military

of my life was the military

of my life was the military and i didn't want it to change you know

and i didn't want it to change you know

and i didn't want it to change you know i'd already been jumping around all

i'd already been jumping around all

i'd already been jumping around all these years i finally had some normalcy

these years i finally had some normalcy

these years i finally had some normalcy and here was

and here was

and here was this

this

this chance of losing all that

chance of losing all that

chance of losing all that james came back and

james came back and

james came back and i told him

i told him

i told him what had happened

i thought he wasn't gonna love me

i thought he wasn't gonna love me anymore i was damn much good

anymore i was damn much good

anymore i was damn much good [Music]

[Music]

[Music] i was so scared i was gonna lose that

i was so scared i was gonna lose that

i was so scared i was gonna lose that love

love

love and it just seemed like he loved me more

and it just seemed like he loved me more

and it just seemed like he loved me more he says go get married

he says go get married

he says go get married and he took me to gibraltar

and he took me to gibraltar

and he took me to gibraltar we agreed that we'll transfer

we agreed that we'll transfer

we agreed that we'll transfer we won't have to do this and

we won't have to do this and

we won't have to do this and back to work and i was getting things

back to work and i was getting things

back to work and i was getting things mixed up and the multitasking wasn't

mixed up and the multitasking wasn't

mixed up and the multitasking wasn't happening anymore and it was frustrating

happening anymore and it was frustrating

happening anymore and it was frustrating and then i couldn't have make love to my

and then i couldn't have make love to my

and then i couldn't have make love to my husband

husband

husband and then i couldn't think i couldn't

and then i couldn't think i couldn't

and then i couldn't think i couldn't feel good i was showering all the time

feel good i was showering all the time

feel good i was showering all the time and i

and i

and i felt bad and

felt bad and

felt bad and things were happening to me and i didn't

things were happening to me and i didn't

things were happening to me and i didn't know what it was

know what it was

know what it was i had no idea what all this was i didn't

i had no idea what all this was i didn't

i had no idea what all this was i didn't know what was happening to me

know what was happening to me

know what was happening to me i saw my rapist every day i was stuck

i saw my rapist every day i was stuck

i saw my rapist every day i was stuck behind that counter

behind that counter

behind that counter my rippers came in winked at me

my rippers came in winked at me

my rippers came in winked at me i jumped the counter took him off and

i jumped the counter took him off and

i jumped the counter took him off and was gonna take his head off before my

was gonna take his head off before my

was gonna take his head off before my chief came up behind me and grabbed the

chief came up behind me and grabbed the

chief came up behind me and grabbed the mop

mop

mop and i went directly

and i went directly

and i went directly to

to

to um admin

um admin

um admin and filled out a request for captain's

and filled out a request for captain's

and filled out a request for captain's mass

mass

mass and i told the commander that i no

and i told the commander that i no

and i told the commander that i no longer wanted to serve in his navy

longer wanted to serve in his navy

longer wanted to serve in his navy [Music]

shipped back to

shipped back to texas with my husband

texas with my husband

texas with my husband my husband said she's out i'm out

my husband said she's out i'm out

my husband said she's out i'm out and uh i went to texas

and uh i went to texas

and uh i went to texas and i

and i

and i was going from job to job

and i forget the day he bought me a

and i forget the day he bought me a dress because i had all military clothes

dress because i had all military clothes

dress because i had all military clothes you know he bought me a dress and i

you know he bought me a dress and i

you know he bought me a dress and i remember crying

remember crying

remember crying because he bought me this nobody bought

because he bought me this nobody bought

because he bought me this nobody bought me clothes we had one credit card

me clothes we had one credit card

me clothes we had one credit card and we had never used it and he did and

and we had never used it and he did and

and we had never used it and he did and i was mad at him for using the credit

i was mad at him for using the credit

i was mad at him for using the credit card

card

card and

and

and i just

i just

i just broke down

broke down

broke down but uh i got a job with that dress

but uh i got a job with that dress

but uh i got a job with that dress and james was going to school working

and james was going to school working

and james was going to school working for the water company we had it starting

for the water company we had it starting

for the water company we had it starting to form this type of life

to form this type of life

to form this type of life i was trying to kind of deal

i was trying to kind of deal

i was trying to kind of deal not very well

not very well

not very well our personal

our personal

our personal life was kind of

life was kind of

life was kind of but at least we were getting the outside

but at least we were getting the outside

but at least we were getting the outside looking good

looking good

looking good one day

one day

one day got home got a phone call saying your

got home got a phone call saying your

got home got a phone call saying your husband

husband

husband um

um

um broke his arm

broke his arm

broke his arm and you need to come to the hospital so

and you need to come to the hospital so

and you need to come to the hospital so madam i was gonna break his other arm

madam i was gonna break his other arm

madam i was gonna break his other arm and that's why i kept thinking i'm gonna

and that's why i kept thinking i'm gonna

and that's why i kept thinking i'm gonna tell them when i get there if you know

tell them when i get there if you know

tell them when i get there if you know you broke this arm i'm breaking the

you broke this arm i'm breaking the

you broke this arm i'm breaking the other one when we leave and i got there

other one when we leave and i got there

other one when we leave and i got there and they said did you know his friend

and they said did you know his friend

and they said did you know his friend what his friend's name was i said

what his friend's name was i said

what his friend's name was i said was

was

was and i all i heard was past tense i said

and i all i heard was past tense i said

and i all i heard was past tense i said what are you talking about i said well

what are you talking about i said well

what are you talking about i said well they were in a car accident

they were in a car accident

they were in a car accident i said where's my husband they said he's

i said where's my husband they said he's

i said where's my husband they said he's upstairs

upstairs

upstairs and i went in there

and i went in there

and i went in there and he he was asleep

and he he was asleep

and he he was asleep and i was like you know honey you got to

and i was like you know honey you got to

and i was like you know honey you got to wake up now you know the operation's

wake up now you know the operation's

wake up now you know the operation's over

over

over and he wouldn't wake up i started

and he wouldn't wake up i started

and he wouldn't wake up i started screaming at him you know telling him

screaming at him you know telling him

screaming at him you know telling him you know you don't have to put the

you know you don't have to put the

you know you don't have to put the toothpaste on my toothbrush you know and

toothpaste on my toothbrush you know and

toothpaste on my toothbrush you know and and uh yelling at him and and then

and uh yelling at him and and then

and uh yelling at him and and then telling him how much i loved him and and

telling him how much i loved him and and

telling him how much i loved him and and all that stuff and i couldn't get him

all that stuff and i couldn't get him

all that stuff and i couldn't get him awake and the guy went up to him and he

awake and the guy went up to him and he

awake and the guy went up to him and he whispered in here in his ear and he said

whispered in here in his ear and he said

whispered in here in his ear and he said listen dude

listen dude

listen dude if you don't open your mouth to put this

if you don't open your mouth to put this

if you don't open your mouth to put this thermometer in it i'm going to turn you

thermometer in it i'm going to turn you

thermometer in it i'm going to turn you over and shove it up your ass and his

over and shove it up your ass and his

over and shove it up your ass and his eyes went bing

eyes went bing

eyes went bing and he opened his eyes and he started

and he opened his eyes and he started

and he opened his eyes and he started looking at me and these huge alligator

looking at me and these huge alligator

looking at me and these huge alligator tears started just rolling down his face

tears started just rolling down his face

tears started just rolling down his face and i swear that if he could have talked

and i swear that if he could have talked

and i swear that if he could have talked he would have said i'm so sorry

three days later

three days later i was in there with my mother

i was in there with my mother

i was in there with my mother in her

in her

in her collar

collar

collar and uh because she was an episcopalian

and uh because she was an episcopalian

and uh because she was an episcopalian minister

minister

minister and uh

we i saw him and i watched them

we i saw him and i watched them turn all the lights out and uh

turn all the lights out and uh

turn all the lights out and uh walking out of there

walking out of there

walking out of there and

and

and the nurse said is she okay

the nurse said is she okay

the nurse said is she okay and my mother looked at the lady and she

and my mother looked at the lady and she

and my mother looked at the lady and she said she just watched her husband die

and we're walking out and it hit me when

and we're walking out and it hit me when my mom said that

my mom said that

my mom said that my husband just died

and

and had she not said that i wouldn't even

had she not said that i wouldn't even

had she not said that i wouldn't even realized it

realized it

realized it i wouldn't even know

i wouldn't even know

i wouldn't even know and i remember going to the funeral and

and i remember going to the funeral and

and i remember going to the funeral and seeing nancy

seeing nancy

seeing nancy and it was pretty much at that point

and it was pretty much at that point

and it was pretty much at that point when she went off the grid again

when she went off the grid again

when she went off the grid again um in a really bad way she was in and

um in a really bad way she was in and

um in a really bad way she was in and out of shelters um

out of shelters um

out of shelters um really very lost

so tomorrow

so tomorrow i have to take a national safety course

i have to take a national safety course

i have to take a national safety course because i screwed up driving

because i screwed up driving

because i screwed up driving so i i'm already regretting tomorrow

so i i'm already regretting tomorrow

so i i'm already regretting tomorrow i've gotten a ticket

i've gotten a ticket

i've gotten a ticket too many times so i have to go take this

too many times so i have to go take this

too many times so i have to go take this eight-hour course

eight-hour course

eight-hour course at the community college

i just i don't want to do nobody wants

i just i don't want to do nobody wants to do it but you know i've just got to

to do it but you know i've just got to

to do it but you know i've just got to so i can work on getting my license back

so i can work on getting my license back

so i can work on getting my license back but even then i i'm finding it difficult

but even then i i'm finding it difficult

but even then i i'm finding it difficult to drive

to drive

to drive i get really anxious and and driving i'm

i get really anxious and and driving i'm

i get really anxious and and driving i'm not doing well so i've decided just to

not doing well so i've decided just to

not doing well so i've decided just to kind of hang it up until i can

kind of hang it up until i can

kind of hang it up until i can get that part of the anxiety under

get that part of the anxiety under

get that part of the anxiety under control but i'm also thinking of going

control but i'm also thinking of going

control but i'm also thinking of going in in-house for a program for

in in-house for a program for

in in-house for a program for a month

a month

a month because my symptoms have are

because my symptoms have are

because my symptoms have are are getting high a little bit higher

i always thought that if i started

i always thought that if i started crying i would never stop

crying i would never stop

crying i would never stop so i didn't cry for a very long time

so i didn't cry for a very long time

so i didn't cry for a very long time because i thought oh my gosh i'll just

because i thought oh my gosh i'll just

because i thought oh my gosh i'll just never stop if i start it it'll it'll go

never stop if i start it it'll it'll go

never stop if i start it it'll it'll go on forever

i do still num num my emotions

i do still num num my emotions [Music]

[Music]

[Music] and that's just something that i learned

and that's just something that i learned

and that's just something that i learned to do

to do

to do um in the last 25 years was i learned

um in the last 25 years was i learned

um in the last 25 years was i learned how to numb out and not feel emotion

how to numb out and not feel emotion

how to numb out and not feel emotion when i'm trying to do something and

when i'm trying to do something and

when i'm trying to do something and sometimes it's a good thing but

sometimes it's a good thing but

sometimes it's a good thing but sometimes not so good

sometimes not so good

sometimes not so good because i stay in that numb mode

i ended up on the streets

i ended up on the streets for a short period

for a short period

for a short period i began shooting up um cocaine

i began shooting up um cocaine

i began shooting up um cocaine called my mom said mom you know i'm lost

called my mom said mom you know i'm lost

called my mom said mom you know i'm lost nowhere to go i have no money

i'm going to die

i'm going to die i need to come home please take me home

i need to come home please take me home

i need to come home please take me home and she said no dear i'm sorry you can't

and she said no dear i'm sorry you can't

and she said no dear i'm sorry you can't come home

come home

come home and

i ended up in a shelter

i ended up in a shelter i did get a moment of clarity

i did get a moment of clarity

i did get a moment of clarity [Music]

[Music]

[Music] and knew that i couldn't do the drugs i

and knew that i couldn't do the drugs i

and knew that i couldn't do the drugs i needed to do something

needed to do something

needed to do something i signed up for

i signed up for

i signed up for [Music]

[Music]

[Music] the truck driving school

the truck driving school

the truck driving school and um

and um

and um i made it i made it to the truck driving

i made it i made it to the truck driving

i made it i made it to the truck driving school just making it to the school was

school just making it to the school was

school just making it to the school was an effort

an effort

an effort and i met a good friend lorenzo there

and i met a good friend lorenzo there

and i met a good friend lorenzo there and

and

and [Music]

[Music]

[Music] to the stage still my my best friend

to the stage still my my best friend

to the stage still my my best friend we met in a

we met in a

we met in a in a truck driving school in texas

in a truck driving school in texas

in a truck driving school in texas i think back in the 90s

i think back in the 90s

i think back in the 90s i believe

i believe

i believe and we both graduated from that school

and we both graduated from that school

and we both graduated from that school and we went on to drive trucks

and we went on to drive trucks

and we went on to drive trucks commercially she ended up taking off

commercially she ended up taking off

commercially she ended up taking off with some other driver

with some other driver

with some other driver and

and

and i didn't hear for her for a little while

i didn't hear for her for a little while

i didn't hear for her for a little while then i heard from

then i heard from

then i heard from her and she had some issues

her and she had some issues

her and she had some issues we had some problems drug problems

we had some problems drug problems

we had some problems drug problems mainly i ran carpet from georgia

mainly i ran carpet from georgia

mainly i ran carpet from georgia in a freezer truck out to california

in a freezer truck out to california

in a freezer truck out to california picked up fruit ran fruit up to new york

picked up fruit ran fruit up to new york

picked up fruit ran fruit up to new york to the market

to the market

to the market and then

and then

and then empty down in georgia pick up more

empty down in georgia pick up more

empty down in georgia pick up more carpet run out of california and up

carpet run out of california and up

carpet run out of california and up fruit up to new york empty to georgia

fruit up to new york empty to georgia

fruit up to new york empty to georgia pick up more carpet and same thing

pick up more carpet and same thing

pick up more carpet and same thing and i finally at one point i

and i finally at one point i

and i finally at one point i i grabbed a partner in georgia and i

i grabbed a partner in georgia and i

i grabbed a partner in georgia and i said i gotta stop in texas

said i gotta stop in texas

said i gotta stop in texas um and you can catch me on the loop back

um and you can catch me on the loop back

um and you can catch me on the loop back around he said okay that's fine

around he said okay that's fine

around he said okay that's fine well he came back to pick me up in texas

well he came back to pick me up in texas

well he came back to pick me up in texas while i was partying down got to tell

while i was partying down got to tell

while i was partying down got to tell you i was just partying down

you i was just partying down

you i was just partying down and i told him next loop pick me up on

and i told him next loop pick me up on

and i told him next loop pick me up on his way up to new york he got stopped

got put in jail

got put in jail they found cocaine all along the bottom

they found cocaine all along the bottom

they found cocaine all along the bottom of the truck

of the truck

of the truck he was arrested for trying to get

he was arrested for trying to get

he was arrested for trying to get taking cocaine over state lines and was

taking cocaine over state lines and was

taking cocaine over state lines and was under a million dollar cash bond only

under a million dollar cash bond only

under a million dollar cash bond only to this day he is still in jail he

to this day he is still in jail he

to this day he is still in jail he called up the company to find out where

called up the company to find out where

called up the company to find out where my truck was coming through they said

my truck was coming through they said

my truck was coming through they said well you're supposed to have been on

well you're supposed to have been on

well you're supposed to have been on that one and they hung up on me

that one and they hung up on me

that one and they hung up on me i of course went head straight back into

i of course went head straight back into

i of course went head straight back into the drugs to avoid those feelings of

the drugs to avoid those feelings of

the drugs to avoid those feelings of distress

distress

distress of somebody's out to get me the

of somebody's out to get me the

of somebody's out to get me the impending doom there's a contract

impending doom there's a contract

impending doom there's a contract there's nobody cares you know i can't

there's nobody cares you know i can't

there's nobody cares you know i can't tell anyone um you know

tell anyone um you know

tell anyone um you know who's gonna listen to me

who's gonna listen to me

who's gonna listen to me all that came back up again

all that came back up again

all that came back up again and i ended up lit um staying in a horse

and i ended up lit um staying in a horse

and i ended up lit um staying in a horse stall um

stall um

stall um the people that owned the horses knew i

the people that owned the horses knew i

the people that owned the horses knew i was there

was there

was there um shooting up

um shooting up

um shooting up and i called lorenzo

and i called lorenzo

and i called lorenzo my friend

my friend

my friend and i said i'm dying

and i said i'm dying

and i said i'm dying i'm dying and i need your help

i'm dying and i need your help

i'm dying and i need your help and he immediately brought him and his

and he immediately brought him and his

and he immediately brought him and his partner in that big old truck

partner in that big old truck

partner in that big old truck and

and

and they grabbed me from the horse stall and

they grabbed me from the horse stall and

they grabbed me from the horse stall and threw me in the back of that that cab

threw me in the back of that that cab

threw me in the back of that that cab and handcuffed me

and handcuffed me

and handcuffed me yeah i'm going anywhere

yeah i'm going anywhere

yeah i'm going anywhere and took me to san antonio where his

and took me to san antonio where his

and took me to san antonio where his mother

mother

mother took care of me and said a beautiful

took care of me and said a beautiful

took care of me and said a beautiful spanish

spanish

spanish nurse nursery rhymed to me and washed me

nurse nursery rhymed to me and washed me

nurse nursery rhymed to me and washed me and i cried

and i cried

and i cried [Music]

[Music]

[Music] that human contact

that human contact

that human contact i needed so bad

i needed so bad

i needed so bad and that love and that acceptance from a

and that love and that acceptance from a

and that love and that acceptance from a woman

woman

woman [Music]

[Music]

[Music] it's beautiful

it's beautiful

it's beautiful i called her my mom

i called her my mom

i called her my mom she was my mom

she was my mom

she was my mom and we got to stay there for a while and

and we got to stay there for a while and

and we got to stay there for a while and i cleaned up my app for a little bit and

i cleaned up my app for a little bit and

i cleaned up my app for a little bit and she fed me and

she fed me and

she fed me and [Music]

[Music]

[Music] lorenzo started working at flower shops

lorenzo started working at flower shops

lorenzo started working at flower shops he'd bring flowers home to me and

he'd bring flowers home to me and

he'd bring flowers home to me and it wasn't long before it was

it wasn't long before it was

it wasn't long before it was something inside me

something inside me

something inside me was hurting so bad

was hurting so bad

was hurting so bad and i was crying and i couldn't sleep

and i was crying and i couldn't sleep

and i was crying and i couldn't sleep and

and

and my mind would race and i was so anxious

my mind would race and i was so anxious

my mind would race and i was so anxious and depressed and

and depressed and

and depressed and memories of james and the navy and the

memories of james and the navy and the

memories of james and the navy and the childhood and

childhood and

childhood and all this stuff and fighting and drama

all this stuff and fighting and drama

all this stuff and fighting and drama and these feelings of why am i why is

and these feelings of why am i why is

and these feelings of why am i why is this happening to me why me

this happening to me why me

this happening to me why me you know this happened so long ago

you know this happened so long ago

you know this happened so long ago because i know

because i know

because i know now

now

now through the va and what they've done

through the va and what they've done

through the va and what they've done that you know there's a diagnosis

that you know there's a diagnosis

that you know there's a diagnosis involved that i know that there was

involved that i know that there was

involved that i know that there was something crazy going on and that i

something crazy going on and that i

something crazy going on and that i needed help and i reached out and asked

needed help and i reached out and asked

needed help and i reached out and asked for somebody to say i said look here

for somebody to say i said look here

for somebody to say i said look here there's something wrong with this and i

there's something wrong with this and i

there's something wrong with this and i need to find out what it is and what i

need to find out what it is and what i

need to find out what it is and what i can do about it because i don't like who

can do about it because i don't like who

can do about it because i don't like who i am i don't like that i'm going to jump

i am i don't like that i'm going to jump

i am i don't like that i'm going to jump down somebody's throat the next time

down somebody's throat the next time

down somebody's throat the next time they say something crazy because i go

they say something crazy because i go

they say something crazy because i go crazy

crazy

crazy and i'm going to hurt someone or myself

and i'm going to hurt someone or myself

and i'm going to hurt someone or myself and i don't want to i don't want to be

and i don't want to i don't want to be

and i don't want to i don't want to be that person and it wasn't going to get

that person and it wasn't going to get

that person and it wasn't going to get better it was getting worse

better it was getting worse

better it was getting worse um

um

um and they said and

and they said and

and they said and but it took longer

but it took longer

but it took longer you know um

with lorenzo

with lorenzo you know it wasn't about getting to the

you know it wasn't about getting to the

you know it wasn't about getting to the va it was about

va it was about

va it was about let's get some money so we can keep a

let's get some money so we can keep a

let's get some money so we can keep a roof over our house because

roof over our house because

roof over our house because it wasn't about okay let's go to therapy

it wasn't about okay let's go to therapy

it wasn't about okay let's go to therapy now it wasn't about that it was about

now it wasn't about that it was about

now it wasn't about that it was about let's get some money so we can buy some

let's get some money so we can buy some

let's get some money so we can buy some bread and butter and how did you do that

bread and butter and how did you do that

bread and butter and how did you do that i went and prostituted

i went and prostituted

i went and prostituted and uh and how did i do that how was i

and uh and how did i do that how was i

and uh and how did i do that how was i capable of doing that by doing drugs

capable of doing that by doing drugs

capable of doing that by doing drugs because i sure wasn't going to do it

because i sure wasn't going to do it

because i sure wasn't going to do it clean

clean

clean i sure would and lorenzo sure didn't

i sure would and lorenzo sure didn't

i sure would and lorenzo sure didn't like the idea of me doing it period

like the idea of me doing it period

like the idea of me doing it period i just i couldn't take anymore

i just i couldn't take anymore

i just i couldn't take anymore i'd gone up into

i'd gone up into

i'd gone up into trimming this little car that we had

trimming this little car that we had

trimming this little car that we had up into what was known as the potter's

up into what was known as the potter's

up into what was known as the potter's field

field

field in texas where

in texas where

in texas where people went and buried

people went and buried

people went and buried they're dead

they're dead

they're dead they didn't have the money to bury them

they didn't have the money to bury them

they didn't have the money to bury them legitimately

legitimately

legitimately i went up there i took a hot shot

i went up there i took a hot shot

i went up there i took a hot shot um of cocaine up there with me and uh

um of cocaine up there with me and uh

um of cocaine up there with me and uh that's what i was gonna do i was gonna

that's what i was gonna do i was gonna

that's what i was gonna do i was gonna die in this potter's field and that was

die in this potter's field and that was

die in this potter's field and that was gonna be the end and

gonna be the end and

gonna be the end and it was just going to be over

when i went to do this

when i went to do this this policeman that had known me

this policeman that had known me

this policeman that had known me for many years

for many years

for many years had put me in and out of jail for

had put me in and out of jail for

had put me in and out of jail for protective custody

pulled up

pulled up and came to my window

and came to my window

and came to my window and just looked at me and i cried

and just looked at me and i cried

and just looked at me and i cried and i broke down and i cried while i'd

and i broke down and i cried while i'd

and i broke down and i cried while i'd thrown that needle out and didn't have

thrown that needle out and didn't have

thrown that needle out and didn't have it and

it and

it and i cried and he was just like nancy i've

i cried and he was just like nancy i've

i cried and he was just like nancy i've never seen you cry before never i've

never seen you cry before never i've

never seen you cry before never i've never seen you cry well you know what's

never seen you cry well you know what's

never seen you cry well you know what's going on here what is this

going on here what is this

going on here what is this and i was like i just i'm done i'm over

and i was like i just i'm done i'm over

and i was like i just i'm done i'm over i just want this to end you know

i just want this to end you know

i just want this to end you know [Music]

[Music]

[Music] i don't want to feel like this anymore

i just remember feeling

i just remember feeling you know

you know

you know i've tried

i've tried

i've tried and uh

and uh

and uh it doesn't i can't stop feeling like

it doesn't i can't stop feeling like

it doesn't i can't stop feeling like this and it won't go away even when i do

this and it won't go away even when i do

this and it won't go away even when i do the drugs it's only temporary it's first

the drugs it's only temporary it's first

the drugs it's only temporary it's first second

second

second but it just comes back

but it just comes back

but it just comes back and he said i swear to god i'll get you

and he said i swear to god i'll get you

and he said i swear to god i'll get you help i swear to god i'll get you help

help i swear to god i'll get you help

help i swear to god i'll get you help he says i'll do it i'll do it you got to

he says i'll do it i'll do it you got to

he says i'll do it i'll do it you got to find that needle and that's the only way

find that needle and that's the only way

find that needle and that's the only way we can do it

we can do it

we can do it so picture this

so picture this

so picture this being this

being this

being this big huge cop

big huge cop

big huge cop and uh we used to call him porky

and uh we used to call him porky

and uh we used to call him porky and he answered to it did you mind

and he answered to it did you mind

and he answered to it did you mind so me and this big cop porky are out

so me and this big cop porky are out

so me and this big cop porky are out there

there

there looking through the grass that's this

looking through the grass that's this

looking through the grass that's this tall around you know

tall around you know

tall around you know shallow graves

shallow graves

shallow graves looking for that stupid needle

looking for that stupid needle

looking for that stupid needle and we can't find it

and we can't find it

and we can't find it it's gone

it's gone

it's gone and uh

and uh

and uh he said told me to uh

he said told me to uh

he said told me to uh turn around

turn around

turn around and uh it did

and uh it did

and uh it did and

and

and somehow amazingly this little bag of

somehow amazingly this little bag of

somehow amazingly this little bag of cocaine with just a little residue in

cocaine with just a little residue in

cocaine with just a little residue in there that one mine came up

there that one mine came up

there that one mine came up and he said i'm gonna put you under

and he said i'm gonna put you under

and he said i'm gonna put you under arrest for

arrest for

arrest for this

that's not my english

that's not my english i'm gonna put you under arrest for this

i'm gonna put you under arrest for this

i'm gonna put you under arrest for this and i'm gonna ask that the court

and i'm gonna ask that the court

and i'm gonna ask that the court help you with your addiction

help you with your addiction

help you with your addiction and she you know because she has a lot

and she you know because she has a lot

and she you know because she has a lot of fortitude to overcome what she

of fortitude to overcome what she

of fortitude to overcome what she overcome mean you know and but what they

overcome mean you know and but what they

overcome mean you know and but what they say you know god don't give you no more

say you know god don't give you no more

say you know god don't give you no more than you can

than you can

than you can handle is that they're saying

handle is that they're saying

handle is that they're saying you know most of the bad things i i know

you know most of the bad things i i know

you know most of the bad things i i know i don't want to say because

i don't want to say because

i don't want to say because it's just you know those i like to

it's just you know those i like to

it's just you know those i like to forget

forget

forget and you can't

and you can't

and you can't live forward if you keep looking behind

live forward if you keep looking behind

live forward if you keep looking behind you

you

you things started getting really good and

things started getting really good and

things started getting really good and hence moving into a business field and

hence moving into a business field and

hence moving into a business field and working with the

working with the

working with the um

um

um starting to

starting to

starting to go into the aaa

go into the aaa

go into the aaa and the nas and the getting the sobriety

and the nas and the getting the sobriety

and the nas and the getting the sobriety behind my back and then venturing into

behind my back and then venturing into

behind my back and then venturing into owning my own business and wrapping that

owning my own business and wrapping that

owning my own business and wrapping that around the aaa and doing the conferences

around the aaa and doing the conferences

around the aaa and doing the conferences around the united states

around the united states

around the united states and taking that business

and taking that business

and taking that business from

from

from just a towny thing to a state thing

just a towny thing to a state thing

just a towny thing to a state thing to a national thing

to a national thing

to a national thing to an international recording business

to an international recording business

to an international recording business called beneficial tapes and cds

called beneficial tapes and cds

called beneficial tapes and cds all about

all about

all about o a a-a-n-a-o-a-g

o a a-a-n-a-o-a-g

o a a-a-n-a-o-a-g a

a

a i can give you all the anonymous

i can give you all the anonymous

i can give you all the anonymous programs and i had 5500 tapes or so the

programs and i had 5500 tapes or so the

programs and i had 5500 tapes or so the woman that had the company she made 8

woman that had the company she made 8

woman that had the company she made 8 000 a year

000 a year

000 a year within two years i took that company

within two years i took that company

within two years i took that company from eight thousand a year to a hundred

from eight thousand a year to a hundred

from eight thousand a year to a hundred and two thousand a year

and two thousand a year

and two thousand a year i kept pushing those emotions down and

i kept pushing those emotions down and

i kept pushing those emotions down and numbing myself out through

numbing myself out through

numbing myself out through meetings and other people's problems and

meetings and other people's problems and

meetings and other people's problems and the business and just kept kept

the business and just kept kept

the business and just kept kept distracting myself and i stayed sober

distracting myself and i stayed sober

distracting myself and i stayed sober and clean for six years

and clean for six years

and clean for six years and i put lorenzo to the back

and i put lorenzo to the back

and i put lorenzo to the back [Music]

[Music]

[Music] because he was stuck

because he was stuck

because he was stuck he didn't want to move forward he was

he didn't want to move forward he was

he didn't want to move forward he was stuck where he was at he didn't want to

stuck where he was at he didn't want to

stuck where he was at he didn't want to change he just wanted to stay right

change he just wanted to stay right

change he just wanted to stay right where he's at and i didn't want that i

where he's at and i didn't want that i

where he's at and i didn't want that i wanted i wanted the house i wanted the

wanted i wanted the house i wanted the

wanted i wanted the house i wanted the cars i wanted the money i wanted to feel

cars i wanted the money i wanted to feel

cars i wanted the money i wanted to feel good i wanted i wanted to be

good i wanted i wanted to be

good i wanted i wanted to be not high class not middle class i just

not high class not middle class i just

not high class not middle class i just wanted to be

wanted to be

wanted to be okay

okay

okay but i always had

but i always had

but i always had something gnawing at me

something gnawing at me

something gnawing at me you know and people were asking me to

you know and people were asking me to

you know and people were asking me to speak

speak

speak and i'd stand up there with that smile

and i'd stand up there with that smile

and i'd stand up there with that smile and inside it was like i just wanted to

and inside it was like i just wanted to

and inside it was like i just wanted to rip the microphone away and just

rip the microphone away and just

rip the microphone away and just oh i just i was just filled with

oh i just i was just filled with

oh i just i was just filled with grief and

grief and

grief and pain and here i am just one day at a

pain and here i am just one day at a

pain and here i am just one day at a time one day at a time and i'm like oh

time one day at a time and i'm like oh

time one day at a time and i'm like oh my god would this day just get over whip

my god would this day just get over whip

my god would this day just get over whip oh and tomorrow like a deal again

oh and tomorrow like a deal again

oh and tomorrow like a deal again another day

another day

another day are you kidding

are you kidding

are you kidding me and i'm dying inside and i'm crying

me and i'm dying inside and i'm crying

me and i'm dying inside and i'm crying myself to sleep and i'm waking up going

myself to sleep and i'm waking up going

myself to sleep and i'm waking up going oh my god do i really have to get out of

oh my god do i really have to get out of

oh my god do i really have to get out of bed again

bed again

bed again how many more times am i going to do

how many more times am i going to do

how many more times am i going to do this

this

this and my mom dies

and my mom dies

and my mom dies [Music]

i'm [ __ ] believable

i'm [ __ ] believable my mom died

my mom died

my mom died and i go out of my head

and i go out of my head

and i go out of my head i uh

overdosed

overdosed a week or so later

a week or so later

a week or so later and uh came to

and uh came to

and uh came to and um

and um

and um started walking

started walking

started walking um

um

um to a pay phone

to a pay phone

to a pay phone not realizing i was walking on

not realizing i was walking on

not realizing i was walking on black

black

black hot tar

hot tar

hot tar texas sun midday

got to the phone and i called lorenzo

got to the phone and i called lorenzo and uh told me he needed to come get me

and uh told me he needed to come get me

and uh told me he needed to come get me what had happened

what had happened

what had happened um

um

um by the time he got there other people

by the time he got there other people

by the time he got there other people had called the ambulance i was screaming

had called the ambulance i was screaming

had called the ambulance i was screaming laying on the ground

laying on the ground

laying on the ground ambulance immediately took me to the

ambulance immediately took me to the

ambulance immediately took me to the hospital

hospital

hospital to my burnt the bottom of my feet so bad

to my burnt the bottom of my feet so bad

to my burnt the bottom of my feet so bad that i wasn't going to be walking for a

that i wasn't going to be walking for a

that i wasn't going to be walking for a while

while

while um

um

um i was placed on the flight deck a mental

i was placed on the flight deck a mental

i was placed on the flight deck a mental ward at the va hospital

who had

who had seen me a couple of times for the

seen me a couple of times for the

seen me a couple of times for the depression or an overdose or so i've

depression or an overdose or so i've

depression or an overdose or so i've always

always

always left

left

left um

um

um va me

va me

va me you mean veteran something military

you mean veteran something military

you mean veteran something military something no oh i'm gonna have it

something no oh i'm gonna have it

something no oh i'm gonna have it um

and uh so

and uh so i wheeled around in there for

i wheeled around in there for

i wheeled around in there for a month i think i'm not even sure how

a month i think i'm not even sure how

a month i think i'm not even sure how long and they put me in a

long and they put me in a

long and they put me in a sober program

sober program

sober program there were other girls there so that

there were other girls there so that

there were other girls there so that made me okay

made me okay

made me okay with it the business was pretty much

with it the business was pretty much

with it the business was pretty much crap by now

crap by now

crap by now um

um

um so i just figured what the heck i'll

so i just figured what the heck i'll

so i just figured what the heck i'll just

just

just go along with whatever anybody says

go along with whatever anybody says

go along with whatever anybody says i didn't care anymore

i didn't care anymore

i didn't care anymore i just signed up

i just signed up

i just signed up um for information class on

um for information class on

um for information class on clean energy so

clean energy so

clean energy so the training i think is like six weeks

the training i think is like six weeks

the training i think is like six weeks and then they give you a

and then they give you a

and then they give you a um on the job training for six months

um on the job training for six months

um on the job training for six months um so

um so

um so that would be cool um just trying to get

that would be cool um just trying to get

that would be cool um just trying to get back in the work field but

back in the work field but

back in the work field but i'm not sure if it's going to hype give

i'm not sure if it's going to hype give

i'm not sure if it's going to hype give it quite nervous at work even after

it quite nervous at work even after

it quite nervous at work even after being there for a while

being there for a while

being there for a while something will happen and in my head i

something will happen and in my head i

something will happen and in my head i just make it so huge

just make it so huge

just make it so huge um to the point where i don't even want

um to the point where i don't even want

um to the point where i don't even want to go to work anymore

to go to work anymore

to go to work anymore it's

it's

it's but i want to try and fight that i know

but i want to try and fight that i know

but i want to try and fight that i know what my

what my

what my past behaviors have been now after

past behaviors have been now after

past behaviors have been now after looking at it so hard

looking at it so hard

looking at it so hard that there i i know in my mind what and

that there i i know in my mind what and

that there i i know in my mind what and on paper

on paper

on paper what i it is i want to change about that

what i it is i want to change about that

what i it is i want to change about that this uh

this uh

this uh [Music]

[Music]

[Music] course doesn't even start for another

course doesn't even start for another

course doesn't even start for another um two months so i'm hoping i can

um two months so i'm hoping i can

um two months so i'm hoping i can do enough paperwork and coping skills to

do enough paperwork and coping skills to

do enough paperwork and coping skills to to really do this

so i showed up to the sober house and um

so i showed up to the sober house and um this huge guy

this huge guy

this huge guy we're talking like six six six seven

we're talking like six six six seven

we're talking like six six six seven open the door big beautiful guy

open the door big beautiful guy

open the door big beautiful guy opened his door and he said

opened his door and he said

opened his door and he said we have been waiting for you

we have been waiting for you

we have been waiting for you welcome

welcome

welcome and i was like

and i was like

and i was like this looks like a nice place i knew that

this looks like a nice place i knew that

this looks like a nice place i knew that emotionally i was very weak

emotionally i was very weak

emotionally i was very weak and i think glenn saw that and um

and i think glenn saw that and um

and i think glenn saw that and um and he seemed to really want to you know

and he seemed to really want to you know

and he seemed to really want to you know be there for me he seemed to be

be there for me he seemed to be

be there for me he seemed to be he got a job and quickly we

he got a job and quickly we

he got a job and quickly we got a little trailer and

got a little trailer and

got a little trailer and we started living there and about six

we started living there and about six

we started living there and about six months into the relationship we did get

months into the relationship we did get

months into the relationship we did get married very it was very quick

married very it was very quick

married very it was very quick the next day he seemed very

the next day he seemed very

the next day he seemed very off um things had changed very

off um things had changed very

off um things had changed very drastically

drastically

drastically within two weeks he started abusing me

within two weeks he started abusing me

within two weeks he started abusing me the first

the first

the first abuse was i was in the shower and he had

abuse was i was in the shower and he had

abuse was i was in the shower and he had said something to me it was very i can't

said something to me it was very i can't

said something to me it was very i can't remember what it was but

remember what it was but

remember what it was but i had said something in return

i had said something in return

i had said something in return and he

and he

and he swung the curtain open grabbed me by

swung the curtain open grabbed me by

swung the curtain open grabbed me by my hair and slammed my head into the

my hair and slammed my head into the

my hair and slammed my head into the tile in the shower

tile in the shower

tile in the shower and i couldn't a few times and i and i

and i couldn't a few times and i and i

and i couldn't a few times and i and i was just dumbfounded that this had just

was just dumbfounded that this had just

was just dumbfounded that this had just happened and i ended up

happened and i ended up

happened and i ended up in the shower i remember kind of

in the shower i remember kind of

in the shower i remember kind of coming too

coming too

coming too i knew i was awake

i knew i was awake

i knew i was awake and i was

and i was

and i was i never lost consciousness or anything

i never lost consciousness or anything

i never lost consciousness or anything and i remember just being there and the

and i remember just being there and the

and i remember just being there and the water was freezing freezing cold and i

water was freezing freezing cold and i

water was freezing freezing cold and i was cuddled up in a little ball in the

was cuddled up in a little ball in the

was cuddled up in a little ball in the in the shower just in so much fear

in the shower just in so much fear

in the shower just in so much fear so this kind of abuse started happening

so this kind of abuse started happening

so this kind of abuse started happening more and more i called my sister

more and more i called my sister

more and more i called my sister and she kind of was like what's going on

and she kind of was like what's going on

and she kind of was like what's going on nancy are you doing drugs and i was like

nancy are you doing drugs and i was like

nancy are you doing drugs and i was like no not at all you know something's

no not at all you know something's

no not at all you know something's happening i don't you know i don't know

happening i don't you know i don't know

happening i don't you know i don't know why he's acting this way

why he's acting this way

why he's acting this way and she told my father my father would

and she told my father my father would

and she told my father my father would call glenn and he'd say

call glenn and he'd say

call glenn and he'd say i don't know what she's talking about

i don't know what she's talking about

i don't know what she's talking about you know nancy come here what are you

you know nancy come here what are you

you know nancy come here what are you talking about i said you know what you

talking about i said you know what you

talking about i said you know what you did and he goes nancy i never did that

did and he goes nancy i never did that

did and he goes nancy i never did that he was telling my family that i was

he was telling my family that i was

he was telling my family that i was doing drugs again

doing drugs again

doing drugs again i actually was still trying to do little

i actually was still trying to do little

i actually was still trying to do little pieces of my business just locally

pieces of my business just locally

pieces of my business just locally um

um

um and inevitably um he convinced me to

and inevitably um he convinced me to

and inevitably um he convinced me to sell the business

sell the business

sell the business so now i had no income

so now i had no income

so now i had no income so i was very isolated now and then he

so i was very isolated now and then he

so i was very isolated now and then he started bringing home cocaine to me

started bringing home cocaine to me

started bringing home cocaine to me and um so now i was being abused i was

and um so now i was being abused i was

and um so now i was being abused i was being kept i was isolated i did not talk

being kept i was isolated i did not talk

being kept i was isolated i did not talk to my family anymore

to my family anymore

to my family anymore he was

he was

he was he was filling my family

he was filling my family

he was filling my family with information that was totally untrue

with information that was totally untrue

with information that was totally untrue we moved and now we're out in the middle

we moved and now we're out in the middle

we moved and now we're out in the middle of nowhere

of nowhere

of nowhere it's five miles to the nearest store

it's five miles to the nearest store

it's five miles to the nearest store my neighbor is

my neighbor is

my neighbor is three miles away

three miles away

three miles away and we're living on five acres

and we're living on five acres

and we're living on five acres i start calling lorenzo and telling him

i start calling lorenzo and telling him

i start calling lorenzo and telling him what's happening

what's happening

what's happening he doesn't believe it

he doesn't believe it

he doesn't believe it but he starts visiting during the day

but he starts visiting during the day

but he starts visiting during the day when

when

when my husband was at work and he's starting

my husband was at work and he's starting

my husband was at work and he's starting to see bruises

to see bruises

to see bruises now i'm starting to be strangled

now i'm starting to be strangled

now i'm starting to be strangled to pass out

to pass out

to pass out um if his dinner's not done he

um if his dinner's not done he

um if his dinner's not done he you know if it's not cooked right

you know if it's not cooked right

you know if it's not cooked right i'm getting slapped if i

i'm getting slapped if i

i'm getting slapped if i fight back and being strangled

fight back and being strangled

fight back and being strangled um one time i i ran down the street

um one time i i ran down the street

um one time i i ran down the street after being coming to after being

after being coming to after being

after being coming to after being strangled and i had grabbed his phone

strangled and i had grabbed his phone

strangled and i had grabbed his phone and called the police

and called the police

and called the police and they picked me up

and they picked me up

and they picked me up and brought me back to the trailer

and brought me back to the trailer

and brought me back to the trailer and they arrested both of us

and they arrested both of us

and they arrested both of us because he said that i had hit him

because he said that i had hit him

because he said that i had hit him and i just was like i could not believe

and i just was like i could not believe

and i just was like i could not believe that they had arrested me

that they had arrested me

that they had arrested me um so i learned to keep my mouth shut

um so i learned to keep my mouth shut

um so i learned to keep my mouth shut and take the abuse

so i found a little ranch that

so i found a little ranch that transported horses in and out of the

transported horses in and out of the

transported horses in and out of the country

country

country and i wanted to be a ranch hand

and i wanted to be a ranch hand

and i wanted to be a ranch hand and they said yeah we'd love to hire you

and they said yeah we'd love to hire you

and they said yeah we'd love to hire you on

on

on get in the way to the ranch and taking

get in the way to the ranch and taking

get in the way to the ranch and taking care of the horses

care of the horses

care of the horses was my uh escape

finally

finally one day

one day

one day i called my brother

i called my brother

i called my brother i told him i said this is what's

i told him i said this is what's

i told him i said this is what's happening

happening

happening and i need someone to believe me

and i need someone to believe me

and i need someone to believe me and i need you to believe me because

and i need you to believe me because

and i need you to believe me because nobody else will nobody believes that

nobody else will nobody believes that

nobody else will nobody believes that this is happening he's got everybody

this is happening he's got everybody

this is happening he's got everybody convinced my brother tricked my ex

convinced my brother tricked my ex

convinced my brother tricked my ex in a conversation

in a conversation

in a conversation and

and

and anyway my ex

anyway my ex

anyway my ex admitted to abusing me

admitted to abusing me

admitted to abusing me and my brother hung up on him and called

and my brother hung up on him and called

and my brother hung up on him and called me and he said i'm so sorry i didn't

me and he said i'm so sorry i didn't

me and he said i'm so sorry i didn't believe you

believe you

believe you and my heart losing out of my heart i

and my heart losing out of my heart i

and my heart losing out of my heart i felt so vindicated

and i felt so loved and he said i love

and i felt so loved and he said i love you so much come home please come home

you so much come home please come home

you so much come home please come home just get away from there walk away just

just get away from there walk away just

just get away from there walk away just leave everything

leave everything

leave everything [Music]

[Music]

[Music] but i ended up

but i ended up

but i ended up in brockton va hospital

in brockton va hospital

in brockton va hospital in a program that's called the woman's

in a program that's called the woman's

in a program that's called the woman's integrated treatment and recovery

integrated treatment and recovery

integrated treatment and recovery program

program

program which dealt with

which dealt with

which dealt with addiction

addiction

addiction as well as a dual with a dual diagnosis

as well as a dual with a dual diagnosis

as well as a dual with a dual diagnosis um they had

um they had

um they had diagnosed me with post-traumatic stress

diagnosed me with post-traumatic stress

diagnosed me with post-traumatic stress disorder

disorder

disorder as well as

as well as

as well as substance abuse

substance abuse

substance abuse i met the criteria for full-blown

i met the criteria for full-blown

i met the criteria for full-blown post-traumatic stress disorder had this

post-traumatic stress disorder had this

post-traumatic stress disorder had this been treated directly after the attack

been treated directly after the attack

been treated directly after the attack i would have just had

i would have just had

i would have just had some stress

some stress

some stress if i had said something

if i had said something

if i had said something 25 years earlier they might have been

25 years earlier they might have been

25 years earlier they might have been able to treat the stress from the

able to treat the stress from the

able to treat the stress from the traumatic event and it may not have

traumatic event and it may not have

traumatic event and it may not have turned

turned

turned to a disorder they may have been able to

to a disorder they may have been able to

to a disorder they may have been able to take care of it then and so i've been

take care of it then and so i've been

take care of it then and so i've been battling this underlying thing this

battling this underlying thing this

battling this underlying thing this whole time that one thing is like

whole time that one thing is like

whole time that one thing is like something's wrong in here something's

something's wrong in here something's

something's wrong in here something's wrong

wrong

wrong i knew there was something wrong i knew

i knew there was something wrong i knew

i knew there was something wrong i knew it wasn't just the alcohol i knew it

it wasn't just the alcohol i knew it

it wasn't just the alcohol i knew it wasn't i was

wasn't i was

wasn't i was i was avoiding something there was

i was avoiding something there was

i was avoiding something there was something in my world and i didn't know

something in my world and i didn't know

something in my world and i didn't know what it was and this is what it was and

what it was and this is what it was and

what it was and this is what it was and they finally told me

they finally told me

they finally told me they went through all types of criteria

they went through all types of criteria

they went through all types of criteria for bipolar and schizophrenia and

for bipolar and schizophrenia and

for bipolar and schizophrenia and um

um

um a borderline personality disorder and

a borderline personality disorder and

a borderline personality disorder and and just all these different tests and

and just all these different tests and

and just all these different tests and oh my god and they finally said we got

oh my god and they finally said we got

oh my god and they finally said we got it

it

it and this lady came in and she knelt down

and this lady came in and she knelt down

and this lady came in and she knelt down next to my chair and she grabbed my hand

next to my chair and she grabbed my hand

next to my chair and she grabbed my hand and just that human touch

there's not one hand touching my hand i

there's not one hand touching my hand i was like that's all i had oh i just

was like that's all i had oh i just

was like that's all i had oh i just wanted someone to touch me and hold me

wanted someone to touch me and hold me

wanted someone to touch me and hold me right and just touch my hand

right and just touch my hand

right and just touch my hand and that human contact alone was just i

and that human contact alone was just i

and that human contact alone was just i just i just wanted someone to let me

just i just wanted someone to let me

just i just wanted someone to let me know that i'm still here

know that i'm still here

know that i'm still here and she touched my hand and it didn't

and she touched my hand and it didn't

and she touched my hand and it didn't matter what she was gonna say to me

matter what she was gonna say to me

matter what she was gonna say to me and i was like okay i'm actually a

and i was like okay i'm actually a

and i was like okay i'm actually a person i was like oh my god someone's

person i was like oh my god someone's

person i was like oh my god someone's touching me

touching me

touching me and it was a nice touch and it felt so

and it was a nice touch and it felt so

and it was a nice touch and it felt so good

good

good to have somebody touch me

it was worthy

it was worthy of a touch

and she said you have post-traumatic

and she said you have post-traumatic stress

it's become a disorder

it's become a disorder and these are your symptoms

and these are your symptoms

and these are your symptoms and she handed me

and she handed me

and she handed me a sheet

a sheet

a sheet [Music]

[Music]

[Music] and it showed all these symptoms and i

and it showed all these symptoms and i

and it showed all these symptoms and i just like check check check check check

just like check check check check check

just like check check check check check check check check check check

check check check check check

check check check check check and i was like oh my god that's me

and i was like oh my god that's me

and i was like oh my god that's me that's so me and i was like okay what do

that's so me and i was like okay what do

that's so me and i was like okay what do i do

i do

i do immediately

immediately

immediately my

my

my mind was like if i got all this i know

mind was like if i got all this i know

mind was like if i got all this i know she's trying she's gonna say there's a

she's trying she's gonna say there's a

she's trying she's gonna say there's a way to get to cope with this

i'm julie lovely and i'm the executive

i'm julie lovely and i'm the executive director of wild hearts therapeutic

director of wild hearts therapeutic

director of wild hearts therapeutic equestrian program

equestrian program

equestrian program and we run a program specifically for

and we run a program specifically for

and we run a program specifically for veterans that have ptsd tbi or mst and

veterans that have ptsd tbi or mst and

veterans that have ptsd tbi or mst and it's called wild hearts horses for

it's called wild hearts horses for

it's called wild hearts horses for heroes we start out the program

heroes we start out the program

heroes we start out the program with a herd observation so usually what

with a herd observation so usually what

with a herd observation so usually what we do is we watch the horses interact

we do is we watch the horses interact

we do is we watch the horses interact with each other and how they communicate

with each other and how they communicate

with each other and how they communicate how they establish their hierarchy

how they establish their hierarchy

how they establish their hierarchy we learn about their body language and

we learn about their body language and

we learn about their body language and then we start with grooming

then we start with grooming

then we start with grooming so we really we emphasize leadership

so we really we emphasize leadership

so we really we emphasize leadership and

and

and building trust and establishing a

building trust and establishing a

building trust and establishing a partnership with our horses

partnership with our horses

partnership with our horses if you have

if you have

if you have ptsd

ptsd

ptsd or have you been

a victim of military sexual assault

a victim of military sexual assault to not

to not

to not to go and get help there's help out

to go and get help there's help out

to go and get help there's help out there if you reach out for it

there if you reach out for it

there if you reach out for it and you know that's probably the hardest

and you know that's probably the hardest

and you know that's probably the hardest part

part

part but you know go out there and try to get

but you know go out there and try to get

but you know go out there and try to get some help

some help

some help and nancy did and it changed her life

there have been times where i

there have been times where i thought about you know

thought about you know

thought about you know ending it ending the pain

ending it ending the pain

ending it ending the pain and uh going to the other side

and uh going to the other side

and uh going to the other side and

and

and the fact is that if i do that they'll

the fact is that if i do that they'll

the fact is that if i do that they'll put him down and i don't want that to

put him down and i don't want that to

put him down and i don't want that to happen

happen

happen because nobody has the

because nobody has the

because nobody has the time or the patience to deal with them

time or the patience to deal with them

time or the patience to deal with them but

but

but i don't plan

i don't plan

i don't plan to kill myself anymore because i know

to kill myself anymore because i know

to kill myself anymore because i know when i start the plan in my head it just

when i start the plan in my head it just

when i start the plan in my head it just makes it

makes it

makes it so huge

so huge

so huge so if the thought

so if the thought

so if the thought comes oh well i'll just end it

comes oh well i'll just end it

comes oh well i'll just end it i need to stop it from there and say

i need to stop it from there and say

i need to stop it from there and say okay wait a second i got dogs you know i

okay wait a second i got dogs you know i

okay wait a second i got dogs you know i gotta pay a

gotta pay a

gotta pay a mortgage um

mortgage um

mortgage um you know what my life is pretty good and

you know what my life is pretty good and

you know what my life is pretty good and i have to remind myself not to go

i have to remind myself not to go

i have to remind myself not to go forward to the next step of planning

forward to the next step of planning

forward to the next step of planning because when you get into planning

because when you get into planning

because when you get into planning that's a very dangerous that's i call

that's a very dangerous that's i call

that's a very dangerous that's i call that my hot spot

that my hot spot

that my hot spot i do believe that there's been some form

i do believe that there's been some form

i do believe that there's been some form of intervention every time

of intervention every time

of intervention every time so

so

so call it angels call it fate call it god

call it angels call it fate call it god

call it angels call it fate call it god call it whatever you want to but

call it whatever you want to but

call it whatever you want to but [Music]

[Music]

[Music] i think i'm a miracle

i think i'm a miracle

i think i'm a miracle so anyway i just gotta face my fears

so anyway i just gotta face my fears

so anyway i just gotta face my fears um and just keep realizing what's

um and just keep realizing what's

um and just keep realizing what's rational what's irrational what's a

rational what's irrational what's a

rational what's irrational what's a delusion

delusion

delusion you know

you know

you know and really think about being very

and really think about being very

and really think about being very mindful

mindful

mindful about just about everything

who am i

who am i i'm a runaway

i'm a runaway

i'm a runaway i'm a homeless person

i'm a homeless person

i'm a homeless person i'm a foster kid i'm a sailor i'm a

i'm a foster kid i'm a sailor i'm a

i'm a foster kid i'm a sailor i'm a victim

victim

victim i'm a widow

i'm a widow

i'm a widow i'm a divorcee

i'm a divorcee

i'm a divorcee i'm a drug addict an alcoholic

i'm a drug addict an alcoholic

i'm a drug addict an alcoholic i'm abused and an abuser

i'm abused and an abuser

i'm abused and an abuser i'm not oh god i just can't freaking

i'm not oh god i just can't freaking

i'm not oh god i just can't freaking seem to get this let me do it this time

[Music]

[Music] so

so

so [Music]