All language subtitles for The Wounds We Cannot See (2017) - PTSD Documentary Movie

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you

you

you
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who am i

who am i
i'm adopted

i'm adopted

i'm adopted
i'm a

i'm a

i'm a
runaway i'm a

runaway i'm a

runaway i'm a
homeless person

i'm a drug addict an alcoholic

i'm a drug addict an alcoholic
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i'm a sailor i'm a victim

i'm a sailor i'm a victim

i'm a sailor i'm a victim
i'm a widow

i'm a widow

i'm a widow
i'm a divorcee

i'm a divorcee

i'm a divorcee
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i'm abused and an abuser

i'm abused and an abuser

i'm abused and an abuser
i'm

god

god
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[Applause]

[Applause]

[Applause]
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good days bad days

good days bad days

good days bad days
today started off good

today started off good

today started off good
because i've been

because i've been

because i've been
thinking about this and telling my story

thinking about this and telling my story

thinking about this and telling my story
and i see it clearer and more truth

and i see it clearer and more truth

and i see it clearer and more truth
comes to it where i don't have to beat

comes to it where i don't have to beat

comes to it where i don't have to beat
myself up anymore

myself up anymore

myself up anymore
so the work continues on a daily basis

so the work continues on a daily basis

so the work continues on a daily basis
it's not easy

it's not easy

it's not easy
you know they don't have a magic pill

you know they don't have a magic pill

you know they don't have a magic pill
and i've got to remind myself of who do

and i've got to remind myself of who do

and i've got to remind myself of who do
i want to be in this situation do i want

i want to be in this situation do i want

i want to be in this situation do i want
to remain a victim or do i want to be a

to remain a victim or do i want to be a

to remain a victim or do i want to be a
survivor from these situations and i

survivor from these situations and i

survivor from these situations and i
choose to be a survivor today

was adopted at birth

was adopted at birth
i was adopted into a very wealthy family

i was adopted into a very wealthy family

i was adopted into a very wealthy family
and we lived in a very

and we lived in a very

and we lived in a very
expensive new england town

expensive new england town

expensive new england town
near the water

near the water

near the water
mother was very overwhelmed

mother was very overwhelmed

mother was very overwhelmed
with

with

with
four children

four children

four children
my brother seemed to be striving with

my brother seemed to be striving with

my brother seemed to be striving with
his friends he was very social me i was

his friends he was very social me i was

his friends he was very social me i was
more

more

more
you know one one friend kind of girl

you know one one friend kind of girl

you know one one friend kind of girl
and

and

and
my sisters they kind of hung out

my sisters they kind of hung out

my sisters they kind of hung out
together

together

together
there were four of us and see leslie and

there were four of us and see leslie and

there were four of us and see leslie and
heather in that order and

heather in that order and

heather in that order and
shortly thereafter we got a dog heidi so

shortly thereafter we got a dog heidi so

shortly thereafter we got a dog heidi so
there were an awful lot of rules and

there were an awful lot of rules and

there were an awful lot of rules and
regulations were conservative

regulations were conservative

regulations were conservative
republicans

republicans

republicans
and

and

and
everything that comes along with that

everything that comes along with that

everything that comes along with that
back in the 70s and 80s

back in the 70s and 80s

back in the 70s and 80s
you know there was a lot of

elephant pants and hip huggers i wanted

elephant pants and hip huggers i wanted
to be a part of all that my father was

to be a part of all that my father was

to be a part of all that my father was
always wore a suit and tie to dinner

always wore a suit and tie to dinner

always wore a suit and tie to dinner
always dressed for dinner very formal

always dressed for dinner very formal

always dressed for dinner very formal
even summertime when we had dinner out

even summertime when we had dinner out

even summertime when we had dinner out
on the out on the porch

on the out on the porch

on the out on the porch
it was uh with candles

it was uh with candles

it was uh with candles
and he would at the very least wear a

and he would at the very least wear a

and he would at the very least wear a
blazer so it was always a very formal

blazer so it was always a very formal

blazer so it was always a very formal
occasion and nancy being nancy just

occasion and nancy being nancy just

occasion and nancy being nancy just
didn't um

didn't um

didn't um
didn't fit in with it the way the rest

didn't fit in with it the way the rest

didn't fit in with it the way the rest
of us did or

of us did or

of us did or
adapted to it the way the rest of us did

with the absence of dad going on

with the absence of dad going on
business trips and mom kind of being

business trips and mom kind of being

business trips and mom kind of being
alone and her trying to make her way in

alone and her trying to make her way in

alone and her trying to make her way in
society being the social light she was

society being the social light she was

society being the social light she was
there wasn't a lot of attention for us

there wasn't a lot of attention for us

there wasn't a lot of attention for us
kids

kids

kids
i remember one of my first memories as a

i remember one of my first memories as a

i remember one of my first memories as a
child

child

child
was being in the crib in this room

was being in the crib in this room

was being in the crib in this room
and just crying and crying and looking

and just crying and crying and looking

and just crying and crying and looking
at the door and no one coming through it

at the door and no one coming through it

at the door and no one coming through it
and that was one of my first childhood

and that was one of my first childhood

and that was one of my first childhood
memories was that crib

memories was that crib

memories was that crib
and that door

and that door

and that door
when someone said oh that's so wonderful

when someone said oh that's so wonderful

when someone said oh that's so wonderful
that those parents of yours adopted you

that those parents of yours adopted you

that those parents of yours adopted you
that they accepted you into their life

that they accepted you into their life

that they accepted you into their life
what good people they were

what good people they were

what good people they were
in my mind i'm thinking yeah that's

in my mind i'm thinking yeah that's

in my mind i'm thinking yeah that's
really nice that they adopted me

really nice that they adopted me

really nice that they adopted me
i'm very happy to have been adopted into

i'm very happy to have been adopted into

i'm very happy to have been adopted into
a

a

a
family but

family but

family but
why did my mother give me away why did

why did my mother give me away why did

why did my mother give me away why did
my father not want me

my father not want me

my father not want me
what was it about me that they didn't

what was it about me that they didn't

what was it about me that they didn't
love enough to keep me

love enough to keep me

love enough to keep me
why did they throw me away

why did they throw me away

why did they throw me away
who am i

my mother actually tried to take me back

my mother actually tried to take me back
to the orphanage

to the orphanage

to the orphanage
because she had found out after adopting

because she had found out after adopting

because she had found out after adopting
my brother and myself that she was

my brother and myself that she was

my brother and myself that she was
pregnant and she

pregnant and she

pregnant and she
was overwhelmed with the thought of

was overwhelmed with the thought of

was overwhelmed with the thought of
having three infants at one time and the

having three infants at one time and the

having three infants at one time and the
orphanage

orphanage

orphanage
said that

said that

said that
she could not return me

she could not return me

she could not return me
that i was not like a merchandise

that i was not like a merchandise

that i was not like a merchandise
and my mother had told me this at the

and my mother had told me this at the

and my mother had told me this at the
age of 12.

age of 12.

age of 12.
so i became very

defiant

defiant
and very

and very

and very
angry

angry

angry
when i was 12 or 13 i went up with some

when i was 12 or 13 i went up with some

when i was 12 or 13 i went up with some
friends

friends

friends
to go to a movie

to go to a movie

to go to a movie
and instead of going to the movie we

and instead of going to the movie we

and instead of going to the movie we
asked some men to

asked some men to

asked some men to
buy us some beer

buy us some beer

buy us some beer
and southern comfort

and southern comfort

and southern comfort
and they did and we went up to the

and they did and we went up to the

and they did and we went up to the
graveyard with these gentlemen

graveyard with these gentlemen

graveyard with these gentlemen
and we drank

and we drank

and we drank
and the police came and arrested us my

and the police came and arrested us my

and the police came and arrested us my
parents weren't there that weekend but

parents weren't there that weekend but

parents weren't there that weekend but
when they came home and they were just

when they came home and they were just

when they came home and they were just
disgusted with me

disgusted with me

disgusted with me
well i knew that guy

well i knew that guy

well i knew that guy
he had called we had exchanged numbers

he had called we had exchanged numbers

he had called we had exchanged numbers
well he was 21.

well he was 21.

well he was 21.
um

um

um
and we got together afterwards and we

and we got together afterwards and we

and we got together afterwards and we
had sex

had sex

had sex
and um

and um

and um
i had told my mother what had happened

i had told my mother what had happened

i had told my mother what had happened
and she called me promiscuous and very

and she called me promiscuous and very

and she called me promiscuous and very
easy

easy

easy
it was funny because

it was funny because

it was funny because
my two friends didn't get in trouble

my two friends didn't get in trouble

my two friends didn't get in trouble
they were like okay you learned your

they were like okay you learned your

they were like okay you learned your
lesson

lesson

lesson
they didn't get arrested

they didn't get arrested

they didn't get arrested
you know the charges were dropped

you know the charges were dropped

you know the charges were dropped
against them my father said no you need

against them my father said no you need

against them my father said no you need
to face your consequences oh they kept

to face your consequences oh they kept

to face your consequences oh they kept
the charges against me

the charges against me

the charges against me
the two guys

the two guys

the two guys
didn't get charged

didn't get charged

didn't get charged
so i was the only one

so i was the only one

so i was the only one
that had to go stand before a judge

that had to go stand before a judge

that had to go stand before a judge
when i went to court my mother was like

when i went to court my mother was like

when i went to court my mother was like
you know you need to take this girl i

you know you need to take this girl i

you know you need to take this girl i
don't know what to do with her they

don't know what to do with her they

don't know what to do with her they
actually gave me up

actually gave me up

actually gave me up
they said make her a ward of the state

they said make her a ward of the state

they said make her a ward of the state
we can't handle her

we can't handle her

we can't handle her
back then i don't think anybody realized

back then i don't think anybody realized

back then i don't think anybody realized
the damage that had been done

the damage that had been done

the damage that had been done
to this little girl

to this little girl

to this little girl
who who didn't know

who who didn't know

who who didn't know
and then to be bombarded

and then to be bombarded

and then to be bombarded
with such labeling

with such labeling

with such labeling
from her

from her

from her
own

own

own
family

family

family
from these

from these

from these
beautiful people that had adopted this

beautiful people that had adopted this

beautiful people that had adopted this
unwanted child

i went into the detention center

i went into the detention center
straight from this little

straight from this little

straight from this little
uptown

uptown

uptown
community high society upper middle

community high society upper middle

community high society upper middle
class

class

class
to the dregs

to the dregs

to the dregs
of

of

of
detention

detention

detention
i was put in foster homes

i was put in foster homes

i was put in foster homes
and they were

and they were

and they were
horrible

horrible

horrible
three or four

three or four

three or four
probably more

probably more

probably more
and they were wretched places

and they were wretched places

and they were wretched places
a lot of abuse neglect

a lot of abuse neglect

a lot of abuse neglect
you hear the worst of the worst well i

you hear the worst of the worst well i

you hear the worst of the worst well i
saw the worst of the worst

saw the worst of the worst

saw the worst of the worst
i saw it

i saw it

i saw it
i told people

i told people

i told people
people say you need to be quiet

people say you need to be quiet

people say you need to be quiet
you're just a child what do you know

you're just a child what do you know

you're just a child what do you know
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i felt better sleeping in the condos

i felt better sleeping in the condos

i felt better sleeping in the condos
i felt safer

i felt safer

i felt safer
one o'clock in the morning sleeping on a

one o'clock in the morning sleeping on a

one o'clock in the morning sleeping on a
bench in the boston commons safer there

bench in the boston commons safer there

bench in the boston commons safer there
than they did in a foster home

than they did in a foster home

than they did in a foster home
i was just so lost

i was just so lost

i was just so lost
so lost and abandoned

so lost and abandoned

so lost and abandoned
and i just felt like

and i just felt like

and i just felt like
you know there was nothing i could do or

you know there was nothing i could do or

you know there was nothing i could do or
say

say

say
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it was freezing cold and she ran away

it was freezing cold and she ran away
from home lived in subways in boston

from home lived in subways in boston

from home lived in subways in boston
and i know because my father and i went

and i know because my father and i went

and i know because my father and i went
looking for at night

looking for at night

looking for at night
down on tremont street

down on tremont street

down on tremont street
down on dartmouth and that was very hard

down on dartmouth and that was very hard

down on dartmouth and that was very hard
for uh

for uh

for uh
me

me

me
and my sisters

and my sisters

and my sisters
because

because

because
we were this prominent family in hingham

we were this prominent family in hingham

we were this prominent family in hingham
and to have a member of our family act

and to have a member of our family act

and to have a member of our family act
in such a way

in such a way

in such a way
was

was

was
was

was

was
just unheard of

just unheard of

just unheard of
and unfortunately then we became that

and unfortunately then we became that

and unfortunately then we became that
family

lorenzo's here

lorenzo's here
he'll cook me a full breakfast of eggs

he'll cook me a full breakfast of eggs

he'll cook me a full breakfast of eggs
when i'm by myself bagel or

when i'm by myself bagel or

when i'm by myself bagel or
frosted flakes

frosted flakes

frosted flakes
not very healthy but i've gotta

not very healthy but i've gotta

not very healthy but i've gotta
eat something to take my medicine i get

eat something to take my medicine i get

eat something to take my medicine i get
every single point and i have to take my

every single point and i have to take my

every single point and i have to take my
medicine if i don't

medicine if i don't

medicine if i don't
then

then

then
the anxiety and the depression

the anxiety and the depression

the anxiety and the depression
will kick in

will kick in

will kick in
like yesterday i was down for the count

like yesterday i was down for the count

like yesterday i was down for the count
all day it was just not a very good day

all day it was just not a very good day

all day it was just not a very good day
i can usually tell then i try to change

i can usually tell then i try to change

i can usually tell then i try to change
my mind about the day

my mind about the day

my mind about the day
today started off good and then i got

today started off good and then i got

today started off good and then i got
into a little quibble with lorenzo

into a little quibble with lorenzo

into a little quibble with lorenzo
which

which

which
automatically just threw me

automatically just threw me

automatically just threw me
to the left to the extreme when i should

to the left to the extreme when i should

to the left to the extreme when i should
just walk away i'd engage

just walk away i'd engage

just walk away i'd engage
so i'm practicing to try not to engage

so i'm practicing to try not to engage

so i'm practicing to try not to engage
you can't change if you think that all

you can't change if you think that all

you can't change if you think that all
your behaviors are appropriate you know

your behaviors are appropriate you know

your behaviors are appropriate you know
if you don't see anything wrong with

if you don't see anything wrong with

if you don't see anything wrong with
your behavior

your behavior

your behavior
then there's then of course you're not

then there's then of course you're not

then there's then of course you're not
going to change

going to change

going to change
but i know

but i know

but i know
that there's some i need some work done

that there's some i need some work done

that there's some i need some work done
on my behaviors

on my behaviors

on my behaviors
so i gotta get myself up and get

so i gotta get myself up and get

so i gotta get myself up and get
motivated

motivated

motivated
you know be that progress in motion

you know be that progress in motion

you know be that progress in motion
because i say that to myself a lot

because i say that to myself a lot

because i say that to myself a lot
i am progress in motion

i am progress in motion

i am progress in motion
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my father finally found me

my father finally found me

my father finally found me
he had found

he had found

he had found
had hired a

had hired a

had hired a
private investigator my dad came down

private investigator my dad came down

private investigator my dad came down
there and he grabbed my arm

there and he grabbed my arm

there and he grabbed my arm
and i just looked at him i could just

and i just looked at him i could just

and i just looked at him i could just
imagine

imagine

imagine
how i looked at him it must been just

how i looked at him it must been just

how i looked at him it must been just
pure hate

pure hate

pure hate
pure hate just looking at him and i

pure hate just looking at him and i

pure hate just looking at him and i
kicked him in the shin

kicked him in the shin

kicked him in the shin
and he let go of me and i ran

and he let go of me and i ran

and he let go of me and i ran
um

um

um
but i felt so horrible

but i felt so horrible

but i felt so horrible
i felt like

i felt like

i felt like
just that horrible daughter

just that horrible daughter

just that horrible daughter
that he had always thought i was

that he had always thought i was

that he had always thought i was
i turned around went back and i

i turned around went back and i

i turned around went back and i
apologized and they threw me in the car

sent me sent me to a mental hospital

sent me sent me to a mental hospital
and then we had to go to mclean's

and then we had to go to mclean's

and then we had to go to mclean's
hospital which

hospital which

hospital which
i didn't particularly enjoy at all

i didn't particularly enjoy at all

i didn't particularly enjoy at all
because there was so much

because there was so much

because there was so much
anger

anger

anger
and hatred

and hatred

and hatred
and nancy had a lot of it too

and nancy had a lot of it too

and nancy had a lot of it too
so that was very tough

so that was very tough

so that was very tough
but

but

but
you know we went because it was for

you know we went because it was for

you know we went because it was for
nancy

nancy

nancy
um

um

um
and we just wanted her to get better and

and we just wanted her to get better and

and we just wanted her to get better and
we wanted her to be okay and

we wanted her to be okay and

we wanted her to be okay and
perhaps maybe find out the reasons why

perhaps maybe find out the reasons why

perhaps maybe find out the reasons why
she was acting the way she was acting

she was acting the way she was acting

she was acting the way she was acting
and doing the things that she was doing

and doing the things that she was doing

and doing the things that she was doing
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it didn't work

it didn't work

it didn't work
therapy was hard this guy that ran the

therapy was hard this guy that ran the

therapy was hard this guy that ran the
joint wouldn't say a word you could talk

joint wouldn't say a word you could talk

joint wouldn't say a word you could talk
to him all night long he'd never say a

to him all night long he'd never say a

to him all night long he'd never say a
damn thing

damn thing

damn thing
it pissed my father off so much because

it pissed my father off so much because

it pissed my father off so much because
we didn't know what to talk about

we didn't know what to talk about

we didn't know what to talk about
and one night he said hey we've had

and one night he said hey we've had

and one night he said hey we've had
enough of this we come here once a week

enough of this we come here once a week

enough of this we come here once a week
and we come to this group and we don't

and we come to this group and we don't

and we come to this group and we don't
do anything

do anything

do anything
you know we've got a life

you know we've got a life

you know we've got a life
and i'm empathizing with my family for

and i'm empathizing with my family for

and i'm empathizing with my family for
having to come in here because of me

having to come in here because of me

having to come in here because of me
because i'm this person i'm this bad

because i'm this person i'm this bad

because i'm this person i'm this bad
person

person

person
and i remember my father standing up

and i remember my father standing up

and i remember my father standing up
and saying come on family let's go we're

and saying come on family let's go we're

and saying come on family let's go we're
gonna go out to dinner and we're gonna

gonna go out to dinner and we're gonna

gonna go out to dinner and we're gonna
we're gonna go have a good time for a

we're gonna go have a good time for a

we're gonna go have a good time for a
change and i stood up and he said oh no

change and i stood up and he said oh no

change and i stood up and he said oh no
you gotta stay here we're not gonna come

you gotta stay here we're not gonna come

you gotta stay here we're not gonna come
back

so i get up i go in my room

so i get up i go in my room
i start cutting myself

because it hurts

because it hurts
that bad

that bad

that bad
it was

it was

it was
about three days later

about three days later

about three days later
i ran home

i ran home

i ran home
and i told my dad i said dad don't leave

and i told my dad i said dad don't leave

and i told my dad i said dad don't leave
me there

me there

me there
please let me come home

please let me come home

please let me come home
please come home

please come home

please come home
i've never ran home before please let me

i've never ran home before please let me

i've never ran home before please let me
come home

i bagged him i

i bagged him i
bagged him

bagged him

bagged him
on my knees and i begged and i crawled

on my knees and i begged and i crawled

on my knees and i begged and i crawled
he finally after about 10 minutes of

he finally after about 10 minutes of

he finally after about 10 minutes of
this

this

this
he said okay

he said okay

he said okay
like it was nothing

like it was nothing

like it was nothing
so uh

so uh

so uh
we drove back to the

we drove back to the

we drove back to the
hospital and uh he checked me out with a

hospital and uh he checked me out with a

hospital and uh he checked me out with a
signature and it was done roller

signature and it was done roller

signature and it was done roller
um

um

um
it didn't bother me nearly as much as it

it didn't bother me nearly as much as it

it didn't bother me nearly as much as it
bothered my parents my sisters

bothered my parents my sisters

bothered my parents my sisters
it hurt them a lot and embarrassed them

it hurt them a lot and embarrassed them

it hurt them a lot and embarrassed them
a lot

a lot

a lot
but then she

but then she

but then she
you know floundered for a while and

you know floundered for a while and

you know floundered for a while and
tried community college and a couple of

tried community college and a couple of

tried community college and a couple of
other things and then the navy

other things and then the navy

other things and then the navy
that was probably one of the best things

that was probably one of the best things

that was probably one of the best things
she ever did

my father had been in the navy my uncle

my father had been in the navy my uncle
had been in the navy and we had a long

had been in the navy and we had a long

had been in the navy and we had a long
line of navy people well

line of navy people well

line of navy people well
troublemaker

troublemaker

troublemaker
attention seeker to the air force

attention seeker to the air force

attention seeker to the air force
they didn't want me

navy did maybe wanted me

navy did maybe wanted me
so i joined the navy

so i joined the navy

so i joined the navy
i went home that night

i went home that night

i went home that night
and i grabbed my my uncle's ensign coat

and i grabbed my my uncle's ensign coat

and i grabbed my my uncle's ensign coat
with all the

with all the

with all the
gold and the

gold and the

gold and the
ribbons took my

ribbons took my

ribbons took my
enlistment papers and put them in the

enlistment papers and put them in the

enlistment papers and put them in the
inside pocket

inside pocket

inside pocket
grabbed a bottle of gin like good

grabbed a bottle of gin like good

grabbed a bottle of gin like good
sailors do

sailors do

sailors do
dad came home and i said

dad came home and i said

dad came home and i said
you don't have to worry about me anymore

you don't have to worry about me anymore

you don't have to worry about me anymore
so he looked at him he said he'll never

so he looked at him he said he'll never

so he looked at him he said he'll never
make it boot camp was

make it boot camp was

make it boot camp was
very interesting

very interesting

very interesting
[Music]

[Music]

[Music]
there were about 80 of us to start

there were about 80 of us to start

there were about 80 of us to start
uh in this huge huge room of bunk beds

uh in this huge huge room of bunk beds

uh in this huge huge room of bunk beds
we all showered at the same time we all

we all showered at the same time we all

we all showered at the same time we all
ate at the same time we

ate at the same time we

ate at the same time we
ran with rifles we ran miles push-ups

ran with rifles we ran miles push-ups

ran with rifles we ran miles push-ups
everything we did after that was all

everything we did after that was all

everything we did after that was all
said and done

said and done

said and done
we dropped our number to about 60. i was

we dropped our number to about 60. i was

we dropped our number to about 60. i was
told that i was going to be staying

told that i was going to be staying

told that i was going to be staying
on the base and attending

on the base and attending

on the base and attending
another two more schools i was like well

another two more schools i was like well

another two more schools i was like well
what's up with that they're like oh no

what's up with that they're like oh no

what's up with that they're like oh no
you're here for a reason

you're here for a reason

you're here for a reason
you're going to a very

you're going to a very

you're going to a very
special squadron

special squadron

special squadron
very elite throughout it

very elite throughout it

very elite throughout it
i strived

i strived

i strived
i smiled i loved the exercise i loved

i smiled i loved the exercise i loved

i smiled i loved the exercise i loved
the orders i loved being told what to do

the orders i loved being told what to do

the orders i loved being told what to do
because i knew as long as i did what

because i knew as long as i did what

because i knew as long as i did what
they told me to do i was going to be

they told me to do i was going to be

they told me to do i was going to be
okay i wanted to be the all i could be i

okay i wanted to be the all i could be i

okay i wanted to be the all i could be i
had this

had this

had this
family now this big huge family and i

family now this big huge family and i

family now this big huge family and i
had this

had this

had this
work i had a direction i knew who i was

work i had a direction i knew who i was

work i had a direction i knew who i was
i was on my way this was gonna be it

i was on my way this was gonna be it

i was on my way this was gonna be it
this was my career this is all i've ever

this was my career this is all i've ever

this was my career this is all i've ever
wanted to be accepted

wanted to be accepted

wanted to be accepted
to be unified to

to be unified to

to be unified to
know what i was doing to have knowledge

know what i was doing to have knowledge

know what i was doing to have knowledge
of what i was doing to know the

of what i was doing to know the

of what i was doing to know the
direction i'm going you know it was all

direction i'm going you know it was all

direction i'm going you know it was all
laid out

laid out

laid out
my home base

my home base

my home base
was in brunswick maine and i checked in

was in brunswick maine and i checked in

was in brunswick maine and i checked in
there

there

there
and uh yeah there were 500 men

and uh yeah there were 500 men

and uh yeah there were 500 men
and 13 women

and 13 women

and 13 women
i was like okay i can do this because i

i was like okay i can do this because i

i was like okay i can do this because i
wasn't afraid because we were all

wasn't afraid because we were all

wasn't afraid because we were all
comrades this is my brethren this is my

comrades this is my brethren this is my

comrades this is my brethren this is my
these are my people these are my my

these are my people these are my my

these are my people these are my my
people didn't like me

people didn't like me

people didn't like me
my people didn't like me at all because

my people didn't like me at all because

my people didn't like me at all because
this was their squadron and this was the

this was their squadron and this was the

this was their squadron and this was the
boys club and i started reading books

boys club and i started reading books

boys club and i started reading books
and doing these tests and passing these

and doing these tests and passing these

and doing these tests and passing these
tests

tests

tests
so i ended up taking tests to become

so i ended up taking tests to become

so i ended up taking tests to become
logs and records

logs and records

logs and records
of the planes and there were eight

of the planes and there were eight

of the planes and there were eight
aircraft

aircraft

aircraft
and so i took the logs and records of

and so i took the logs and records of

and so i took the logs and records of
all the aircraft and this was a good

all the aircraft and this was a good

all the aircraft and this was a good
position usually held by a petty officer

position usually held by a petty officer

position usually held by a petty officer
and i held that position and i worked in

and i held that position and i worked in

and i held that position and i worked in
maintenance control and i handled all

maintenance control and i handled all

maintenance control and i handled all
the boards and every day i get up and i

the boards and every day i get up and i

the boards and every day i get up and i
do this and i go in early and i'd leave

do this and i go in early and i'd leave

do this and i go in early and i'd leave
late and i took care of everything and

late and i took care of everything and

late and i took care of everything and
my chief loved me and my commander loved

my chief loved me and my commander loved

my chief loved me and my commander loved
me and everybody loved me the air crews

me and everybody loved me the air crews

me and everybody loved me the air crews
loved me and i loved this one guy and

loved me and i loved this one guy and

loved me and i loved this one guy and
his name was james smith iii

his name was james smith iii

his name was james smith iii
and he was a cutie

and he was a cutie

and he was a cutie
and me and him started dating and we

and me and him started dating and we

and me and him started dating and we
loved each other

loved each other

loved each other
and it was the first kind of love i'd

and it was the first kind of love i'd

and it was the first kind of love i'd
ever experienced and was great and he

ever experienced and was great and he

ever experienced and was great and he
was sweety

was sweety

was sweety
we deployed to spain

we deployed to spain

we deployed to spain
and when we got to spain

and when we got to spain

and when we got to spain
they sent him to portugal for for a

they sent him to portugal for for a

they sent him to portugal for for a
brief deployment

brief deployment

brief deployment
and i was left in spain alone

and i was left in spain alone

and i was left in spain alone
this the hallway

this the hallway

this the hallway
in spain

in spain

in spain
um ran through the whole barrett

um ran through the whole barrett

um ran through the whole barrett
and it was pretty pretty nice better

and it was pretty pretty nice better

and it was pretty pretty nice better
than the last barracks i had been in but

than the last barracks i had been in but

than the last barracks i had been in but
there was a beer machine in the middle

there was a beer machine in the middle

there was a beer machine in the middle
of the

of the

of the
hallway

hallway

hallway
and you

and you

and you
when i was walking down there

when i was walking down there

when i was walking down there
to the machine

to the machine

to the machine
you put in your quarter

you put in your quarter

you put in your quarter
and you get your little beer your little

and you get your little beer your little

and you get your little beer your little
can of beer i remember going down there

can of beer i remember going down there

can of beer i remember going down there
to get my beer and

to get my beer and

to get my beer and
this guy popped out this navigator that

this guy popped out this navigator that

this guy popped out this navigator that
i knew i seen him every day

i knew i seen him every day

i knew i seen him every day
he said hey once you come in here you

he said hey once you come in here you

he said hey once you come in here you
know have a beer watch them tell me

know have a beer watch them tell me

know have a beer watch them tell me
whatever so i didn't think anything of

whatever so i didn't think anything of

whatever so i didn't think anything of
it by going in the room well when i got

it by going in the room well when i got

it by going in the room well when i got
in there i i realized there was no one

in there i i realized there was no one

in there i i realized there was no one
else in there

else in there

else in there
and i turned around the door closed

and i turned around the door closed

and i turned around the door closed
locked and i was attacked

locked and i was attacked

locked and i was attacked
i was raped

i was raped

i was raped
and

and

and
after

after

after
he did what he needed to do

he did what he needed to do

he did what he needed to do
and

and

and
um i laid there freaking out because

um i laid there freaking out because

um i laid there freaking out because
this was my brother and this was my

this was my brother and this was my

this was my brother and this was my
family this was people i could count on

family this was people i could count on

family this was people i could count on
and trust and these were this is my

and trust and these were this is my

and trust and these were this is my
family and this is

family and this is

family and this is
everything that i ever wanted and this

everything that i ever wanted and this

everything that i ever wanted and this
is my home and my people and this is my

is my home and my people and this is my

is my home and my people and this is my
world and this is my

world and this is my

world and this is my
and this is all of it

and this is all of it

and this is all of it
and this is everything that i've ever

and this is everything that i've ever

and this is everything that i've ever
wanted

wanted

wanted
and this is everything that i wanted in

and this is everything that i wanted in

and this is everything that i wanted in
my whole world

my whole world

my whole world
and my

and my

and my
my guy isn't here

my guy isn't here

my guy isn't here
and i'm all by myself

and i'm all by myself

and i'm all by myself
and i'm scared

and i'm scared

and i'm scared
and this guy's gonna kill me if i scream

and this guy's gonna kill me if i scream

and this guy's gonna kill me if i scream
and he looks at me says you're dismissed

and he looks at me says you're dismissed

and he looks at me says you're dismissed
you can go now

and i stagger

and i stagger
literally stagger

literally stagger

literally stagger
to my room as if i drank 10 of those

to my room as if i drank 10 of those

to my room as if i drank 10 of those
beers and i hadn't taken a sip

and i lock myself in that room and i

and i lock myself in that room and i
don't move for three days

don't move for three days

don't move for three days
and i cry

and i cry

and i cry
and i don't do anything i don't call

and i don't do anything i don't call

and i don't do anything i don't call
anyone i don't do nothing

anyone i don't do nothing

anyone i don't do nothing
and i think how easy and promiscuous i

and i think how easy and promiscuous i

and i think how easy and promiscuous i
was and what a troublemaker i am

was and what a troublemaker i am

was and what a troublemaker i am
and if i had only thought better

and if i had only thought better

and if i had only thought better
if i only had to walk down that hallway

if i only had to walk down that hallway

if i only had to walk down that hallway
and how could i have been so stupid

i'm thinking

i'm thinking
no one's going to believe me

no one's going to believe me

no one's going to believe me
i'm not going to be heard

i'm not going to be heard

i'm not going to be heard
things will get switched around

things will get switched around

things will get switched around
my wording will get switched i'll look

my wording will get switched i'll look

my wording will get switched i'll look
like the bad guy everything will change

like the bad guy everything will change

like the bad guy everything will change
you know and this was my first normalcy

you know and this was my first normalcy

you know and this was my first normalcy
of my life was the military

of my life was the military

of my life was the military
and i didn't want it to change you know

and i didn't want it to change you know

and i didn't want it to change you know
i'd already been jumping around all

i'd already been jumping around all

i'd already been jumping around all
these years i finally had some normalcy

these years i finally had some normalcy

these years i finally had some normalcy
and here was

and here was

and here was
this

this

this
chance of losing all that

chance of losing all that

chance of losing all that
james came back and

james came back and

james came back and
i told him

i told him

i told him
what had happened

i thought he wasn't gonna love me

i thought he wasn't gonna love me
anymore i was damn much good

anymore i was damn much good

anymore i was damn much good
[Music]

[Music]

[Music]
i was so scared i was gonna lose that

i was so scared i was gonna lose that

i was so scared i was gonna lose that
love

love

love
and it just seemed like he loved me more

and it just seemed like he loved me more

and it just seemed like he loved me more
he says go get married

he says go get married

he says go get married
and he took me to gibraltar

and he took me to gibraltar

and he took me to gibraltar
we agreed that we'll transfer

we agreed that we'll transfer

we agreed that we'll transfer
we won't have to do this and

we won't have to do this and

we won't have to do this and
back to work and i was getting things

back to work and i was getting things

back to work and i was getting things
mixed up and the multitasking wasn't

mixed up and the multitasking wasn't

mixed up and the multitasking wasn't
happening anymore and it was frustrating

happening anymore and it was frustrating

happening anymore and it was frustrating
and then i couldn't have make love to my

and then i couldn't have make love to my

and then i couldn't have make love to my
husband

husband

husband
and then i couldn't think i couldn't

and then i couldn't think i couldn't

and then i couldn't think i couldn't
feel good i was showering all the time

feel good i was showering all the time

feel good i was showering all the time
and i

and i

and i
felt bad and

felt bad and

felt bad and
things were happening to me and i didn't

things were happening to me and i didn't

things were happening to me and i didn't
know what it was

know what it was

know what it was
i had no idea what all this was i didn't

i had no idea what all this was i didn't

i had no idea what all this was i didn't
know what was happening to me

know what was happening to me

know what was happening to me
i saw my rapist every day i was stuck

i saw my rapist every day i was stuck

i saw my rapist every day i was stuck
behind that counter

behind that counter

behind that counter
my rippers came in winked at me

my rippers came in winked at me

my rippers came in winked at me
i jumped the counter took him off and

i jumped the counter took him off and

i jumped the counter took him off and
was gonna take his head off before my

was gonna take his head off before my

was gonna take his head off before my
chief came up behind me and grabbed the

chief came up behind me and grabbed the

chief came up behind me and grabbed the
mop

mop

mop
and i went directly

and i went directly

and i went directly
to

to

to
um admin

um admin

um admin
and filled out a request for captain's

and filled out a request for captain's

and filled out a request for captain's
mass

mass

mass
and i told the commander that i no

and i told the commander that i no

and i told the commander that i no
longer wanted to serve in his navy

longer wanted to serve in his navy

longer wanted to serve in his navy
[Music]

shipped back to

shipped back to
texas with my husband

texas with my husband

texas with my husband
my husband said she's out i'm out

my husband said she's out i'm out

my husband said she's out i'm out
and uh i went to texas

and uh i went to texas

and uh i went to texas
and i

and i

and i
was going from job to job

and i forget the day he bought me a

and i forget the day he bought me a
dress because i had all military clothes

dress because i had all military clothes

dress because i had all military clothes
you know he bought me a dress and i

you know he bought me a dress and i

you know he bought me a dress and i
remember crying

remember crying

remember crying
because he bought me this nobody bought

because he bought me this nobody bought

because he bought me this nobody bought
me clothes we had one credit card

me clothes we had one credit card

me clothes we had one credit card
and we had never used it and he did and

and we had never used it and he did and

and we had never used it and he did and
i was mad at him for using the credit

i was mad at him for using the credit

i was mad at him for using the credit
card

card

card
and

and

and
i just

i just

i just
broke down

broke down

broke down
but uh i got a job with that dress

but uh i got a job with that dress

but uh i got a job with that dress
and james was going to school working

and james was going to school working

and james was going to school working
for the water company we had it starting

for the water company we had it starting

for the water company we had it starting
to form this type of life

to form this type of life

to form this type of life
i was trying to kind of deal

i was trying to kind of deal

i was trying to kind of deal
not very well

not very well

not very well
our personal

our personal

our personal
life was kind of

life was kind of

life was kind of
but at least we were getting the outside

but at least we were getting the outside

but at least we were getting the outside
looking good

looking good

looking good
one day

one day

one day
got home got a phone call saying your

got home got a phone call saying your

got home got a phone call saying your
husband

husband

husband
um

um

um
broke his arm

broke his arm

broke his arm
and you need to come to the hospital so

and you need to come to the hospital so

and you need to come to the hospital so
madam i was gonna break his other arm

madam i was gonna break his other arm

madam i was gonna break his other arm
and that's why i kept thinking i'm gonna

and that's why i kept thinking i'm gonna

and that's why i kept thinking i'm gonna
tell them when i get there if you know

tell them when i get there if you know

tell them when i get there if you know
you broke this arm i'm breaking the

you broke this arm i'm breaking the

you broke this arm i'm breaking the
other one when we leave and i got there

other one when we leave and i got there

other one when we leave and i got there
and they said did you know his friend

and they said did you know his friend

and they said did you know his friend
what his friend's name was i said

what his friend's name was i said

what his friend's name was i said
was

was

was
and i all i heard was past tense i said

and i all i heard was past tense i said

and i all i heard was past tense i said
what are you talking about i said well

what are you talking about i said well

what are you talking about i said well
they were in a car accident

they were in a car accident

they were in a car accident
i said where's my husband they said he's

i said where's my husband they said he's

i said where's my husband they said he's
upstairs

upstairs

upstairs
and i went in there

and i went in there

and i went in there
and he he was asleep

and he he was asleep

and he he was asleep
and i was like you know honey you got to

and i was like you know honey you got to

and i was like you know honey you got to
wake up now you know the operation's

wake up now you know the operation's

wake up now you know the operation's
over

over

over
and he wouldn't wake up i started

and he wouldn't wake up i started

and he wouldn't wake up i started
screaming at him you know telling him

screaming at him you know telling him

screaming at him you know telling him
you know you don't have to put the

you know you don't have to put the

you know you don't have to put the
toothpaste on my toothbrush you know and

toothpaste on my toothbrush you know and

toothpaste on my toothbrush you know and
and uh yelling at him and and then

and uh yelling at him and and then

and uh yelling at him and and then
telling him how much i loved him and and

telling him how much i loved him and and

telling him how much i loved him and and
all that stuff and i couldn't get him

all that stuff and i couldn't get him

all that stuff and i couldn't get him
awake and the guy went up to him and he

awake and the guy went up to him and he

awake and the guy went up to him and he
whispered in here in his ear and he said

whispered in here in his ear and he said

whispered in here in his ear and he said
listen dude

listen dude

listen dude
if you don't open your mouth to put this

if you don't open your mouth to put this

if you don't open your mouth to put this
thermometer in it i'm going to turn you

thermometer in it i'm going to turn you

thermometer in it i'm going to turn you
over and shove it up your ass and his

over and shove it up your ass and his

over and shove it up your ass and his
eyes went bing

eyes went bing

eyes went bing
and he opened his eyes and he started

and he opened his eyes and he started

and he opened his eyes and he started
looking at me and these huge alligator

looking at me and these huge alligator

looking at me and these huge alligator
tears started just rolling down his face

tears started just rolling down his face

tears started just rolling down his face
and i swear that if he could have talked

and i swear that if he could have talked

and i swear that if he could have talked
he would have said i'm so sorry

three days later

three days later
i was in there with my mother

i was in there with my mother

i was in there with my mother
in her

in her

in her
collar

collar

collar
and uh because she was an episcopalian

and uh because she was an episcopalian

and uh because she was an episcopalian
minister

minister

minister
and uh

we i saw him and i watched them

we i saw him and i watched them
turn all the lights out and uh

turn all the lights out and uh

turn all the lights out and uh
walking out of there

walking out of there

walking out of there
and

and

and
the nurse said is she okay

the nurse said is she okay

the nurse said is she okay
and my mother looked at the lady and she

and my mother looked at the lady and she

and my mother looked at the lady and she
said she just watched her husband die

and we're walking out and it hit me when

and we're walking out and it hit me when
my mom said that

my mom said that

my mom said that
my husband just died

and

and
had she not said that i wouldn't even

had she not said that i wouldn't even

had she not said that i wouldn't even
realized it

realized it

realized it
i wouldn't even know

i wouldn't even know

i wouldn't even know
and i remember going to the funeral and

and i remember going to the funeral and

and i remember going to the funeral and
seeing nancy

seeing nancy

seeing nancy
and it was pretty much at that point

and it was pretty much at that point

and it was pretty much at that point
when she went off the grid again

when she went off the grid again

when she went off the grid again
um in a really bad way she was in and

um in a really bad way she was in and

um in a really bad way she was in and
out of shelters um

out of shelters um

out of shelters um
really very lost

so tomorrow

so tomorrow
i have to take a national safety course

i have to take a national safety course

i have to take a national safety course
because i screwed up driving

because i screwed up driving

because i screwed up driving
so i i'm already regretting tomorrow

so i i'm already regretting tomorrow

so i i'm already regretting tomorrow
i've gotten a ticket

i've gotten a ticket

i've gotten a ticket
too many times so i have to go take this

too many times so i have to go take this

too many times so i have to go take this
eight-hour course

eight-hour course

eight-hour course
at the community college

i just i don't want to do nobody wants

i just i don't want to do nobody wants
to do it but you know i've just got to

to do it but you know i've just got to

to do it but you know i've just got to
so i can work on getting my license back

so i can work on getting my license back

so i can work on getting my license back
but even then i i'm finding it difficult

but even then i i'm finding it difficult

but even then i i'm finding it difficult
to drive

to drive

to drive
i get really anxious and and driving i'm

i get really anxious and and driving i'm

i get really anxious and and driving i'm
not doing well so i've decided just to

not doing well so i've decided just to

not doing well so i've decided just to
kind of hang it up until i can

kind of hang it up until i can

kind of hang it up until i can
get that part of the anxiety under

get that part of the anxiety under

get that part of the anxiety under
control but i'm also thinking of going

control but i'm also thinking of going

control but i'm also thinking of going
in in-house for a program for

in in-house for a program for

in in-house for a program for
a month

a month

a month
because my symptoms have are

because my symptoms have are

because my symptoms have are
are getting high a little bit higher

i always thought that if i started

i always thought that if i started
crying i would never stop

crying i would never stop

crying i would never stop
so i didn't cry for a very long time

so i didn't cry for a very long time

so i didn't cry for a very long time
because i thought oh my gosh i'll just

because i thought oh my gosh i'll just

because i thought oh my gosh i'll just
never stop if i start it it'll it'll go

never stop if i start it it'll it'll go

never stop if i start it it'll it'll go
on forever

i do still num num my emotions

i do still num num my emotions
[Music]

[Music]

[Music]
and that's just something that i learned

and that's just something that i learned

and that's just something that i learned
to do

to do

to do
um in the last 25 years was i learned

um in the last 25 years was i learned

um in the last 25 years was i learned
how to numb out and not feel emotion

how to numb out and not feel emotion

how to numb out and not feel emotion
when i'm trying to do something and

when i'm trying to do something and

when i'm trying to do something and
sometimes it's a good thing but

sometimes it's a good thing but

sometimes it's a good thing but
sometimes not so good

sometimes not so good

sometimes not so good
because i stay in that numb mode

i ended up on the streets

i ended up on the streets
for a short period

for a short period

for a short period
i began shooting up um cocaine

i began shooting up um cocaine

i began shooting up um cocaine
called my mom said mom you know i'm lost

called my mom said mom you know i'm lost

called my mom said mom you know i'm lost
nowhere to go i have no money

i'm going to die

i'm going to die
i need to come home please take me home

i need to come home please take me home

i need to come home please take me home
and she said no dear i'm sorry you can't

and she said no dear i'm sorry you can't

and she said no dear i'm sorry you can't
come home

come home

come home
and

i ended up in a shelter

i ended up in a shelter
i did get a moment of clarity

i did get a moment of clarity

i did get a moment of clarity
[Music]

[Music]

[Music]
and knew that i couldn't do the drugs i

and knew that i couldn't do the drugs i

and knew that i couldn't do the drugs i
needed to do something

needed to do something

needed to do something
i signed up for

i signed up for

i signed up for
[Music]

[Music]

[Music]
the truck driving school

the truck driving school

the truck driving school
and um

and um

and um
i made it i made it to the truck driving

i made it i made it to the truck driving

i made it i made it to the truck driving
school just making it to the school was

school just making it to the school was

school just making it to the school was
an effort

an effort

an effort
and i met a good friend lorenzo there

and i met a good friend lorenzo there

and i met a good friend lorenzo there
and

and

and
[Music]

[Music]

[Music]
to the stage still my my best friend

to the stage still my my best friend

to the stage still my my best friend
we met in a

we met in a

we met in a
in a truck driving school in texas

in a truck driving school in texas

in a truck driving school in texas
i think back in the 90s

i think back in the 90s

i think back in the 90s
i believe

i believe

i believe
and we both graduated from that school

and we both graduated from that school

and we both graduated from that school
and we went on to drive trucks

and we went on to drive trucks

and we went on to drive trucks
commercially she ended up taking off

commercially she ended up taking off

commercially she ended up taking off
with some other driver

with some other driver

with some other driver
and

and

and
i didn't hear for her for a little while

i didn't hear for her for a little while

i didn't hear for her for a little while
then i heard from

then i heard from

then i heard from
her and she had some issues

her and she had some issues

her and she had some issues
we had some problems drug problems

we had some problems drug problems

we had some problems drug problems
mainly i ran carpet from georgia

mainly i ran carpet from georgia

mainly i ran carpet from georgia
in a freezer truck out to california

in a freezer truck out to california

in a freezer truck out to california
picked up fruit ran fruit up to new york

picked up fruit ran fruit up to new york

picked up fruit ran fruit up to new york
to the market

to the market

to the market
and then

and then

and then
empty down in georgia pick up more

empty down in georgia pick up more

empty down in georgia pick up more
carpet run out of california and up

carpet run out of california and up

carpet run out of california and up
fruit up to new york empty to georgia

fruit up to new york empty to georgia

fruit up to new york empty to georgia
pick up more carpet and same thing

pick up more carpet and same thing

pick up more carpet and same thing
and i finally at one point i

and i finally at one point i

and i finally at one point i
i grabbed a partner in georgia and i

i grabbed a partner in georgia and i

i grabbed a partner in georgia and i
said i gotta stop in texas

said i gotta stop in texas

said i gotta stop in texas
um and you can catch me on the loop back

um and you can catch me on the loop back

um and you can catch me on the loop back
around he said okay that's fine

around he said okay that's fine

around he said okay that's fine
well he came back to pick me up in texas

well he came back to pick me up in texas

well he came back to pick me up in texas
while i was partying down got to tell

while i was partying down got to tell

while i was partying down got to tell
you i was just partying down

you i was just partying down

you i was just partying down
and i told him next loop pick me up on

and i told him next loop pick me up on

and i told him next loop pick me up on
his way up to new york he got stopped

got put in jail

got put in jail
they found cocaine all along the bottom

they found cocaine all along the bottom

they found cocaine all along the bottom
of the truck

of the truck

of the truck
he was arrested for trying to get

he was arrested for trying to get

he was arrested for trying to get
taking cocaine over state lines and was

taking cocaine over state lines and was

taking cocaine over state lines and was
under a million dollar cash bond only

under a million dollar cash bond only

under a million dollar cash bond only
to this day he is still in jail he

to this day he is still in jail he

to this day he is still in jail he
called up the company to find out where

called up the company to find out where

called up the company to find out where
my truck was coming through they said

my truck was coming through they said

my truck was coming through they said
well you're supposed to have been on

well you're supposed to have been on

well you're supposed to have been on
that one and they hung up on me

that one and they hung up on me

that one and they hung up on me
i of course went head straight back into

i of course went head straight back into

i of course went head straight back into
the drugs to avoid those feelings of

the drugs to avoid those feelings of

the drugs to avoid those feelings of
distress

distress

distress
of somebody's out to get me the

of somebody's out to get me the

of somebody's out to get me the
impending doom there's a contract

impending doom there's a contract

impending doom there's a contract
there's nobody cares you know i can't

there's nobody cares you know i can't

there's nobody cares you know i can't
tell anyone um you know

tell anyone um you know

tell anyone um you know
who's gonna listen to me

who's gonna listen to me

who's gonna listen to me
all that came back up again

all that came back up again

all that came back up again
and i ended up lit um staying in a horse

and i ended up lit um staying in a horse

and i ended up lit um staying in a horse
stall um

stall um

stall um
the people that owned the horses knew i

the people that owned the horses knew i

the people that owned the horses knew i
was there

was there

was there
um shooting up

um shooting up

um shooting up
and i called lorenzo

and i called lorenzo

and i called lorenzo
my friend

my friend

my friend
and i said i'm dying

and i said i'm dying

and i said i'm dying
i'm dying and i need your help

i'm dying and i need your help

i'm dying and i need your help
and he immediately brought him and his

and he immediately brought him and his

and he immediately brought him and his
partner in that big old truck

partner in that big old truck

partner in that big old truck
and

and

and
they grabbed me from the horse stall and

they grabbed me from the horse stall and

they grabbed me from the horse stall and
threw me in the back of that that cab

threw me in the back of that that cab

threw me in the back of that that cab
and handcuffed me

and handcuffed me

and handcuffed me
yeah i'm going anywhere

yeah i'm going anywhere

yeah i'm going anywhere
and took me to san antonio where his

and took me to san antonio where his

and took me to san antonio where his
mother

mother

mother
took care of me and said a beautiful

took care of me and said a beautiful

took care of me and said a beautiful
spanish

spanish

spanish
nurse nursery rhymed to me and washed me

nurse nursery rhymed to me and washed me

nurse nursery rhymed to me and washed me
and i cried

and i cried

and i cried
[Music]

[Music]

[Music]
that human contact

that human contact

that human contact
i needed so bad

i needed so bad

i needed so bad
and that love and that acceptance from a

and that love and that acceptance from a

and that love and that acceptance from a
woman

woman

woman
[Music]

[Music]

[Music]
it's beautiful

it's beautiful

it's beautiful
i called her my mom

i called her my mom

i called her my mom
she was my mom

she was my mom

she was my mom
and we got to stay there for a while and

and we got to stay there for a while and

and we got to stay there for a while and
i cleaned up my app for a little bit and

i cleaned up my app for a little bit and

i cleaned up my app for a little bit and
she fed me and

she fed me and

she fed me and
[Music]

[Music]

[Music]
lorenzo started working at flower shops

lorenzo started working at flower shops

lorenzo started working at flower shops
he'd bring flowers home to me and

he'd bring flowers home to me and

he'd bring flowers home to me and
it wasn't long before it was

it wasn't long before it was

it wasn't long before it was
something inside me

something inside me

something inside me
was hurting so bad

was hurting so bad

was hurting so bad
and i was crying and i couldn't sleep

and i was crying and i couldn't sleep

and i was crying and i couldn't sleep
and

and

and
my mind would race and i was so anxious

my mind would race and i was so anxious

my mind would race and i was so anxious
and depressed and

and depressed and

and depressed and
memories of james and the navy and the

memories of james and the navy and the

memories of james and the navy and the
childhood and

childhood and

childhood and
all this stuff and fighting and drama

all this stuff and fighting and drama

all this stuff and fighting and drama
and these feelings of why am i why is

and these feelings of why am i why is

and these feelings of why am i why is
this happening to me why me

this happening to me why me

this happening to me why me
you know this happened so long ago

you know this happened so long ago

you know this happened so long ago
because i know

because i know

because i know
now

now

now
through the va and what they've done

through the va and what they've done

through the va and what they've done
that you know there's a diagnosis

that you know there's a diagnosis

that you know there's a diagnosis
involved that i know that there was

involved that i know that there was

involved that i know that there was
something crazy going on and that i

something crazy going on and that i

something crazy going on and that i
needed help and i reached out and asked

needed help and i reached out and asked

needed help and i reached out and asked
for somebody to say i said look here

for somebody to say i said look here

for somebody to say i said look here
there's something wrong with this and i

there's something wrong with this and i

there's something wrong with this and i
need to find out what it is and what i

need to find out what it is and what i

need to find out what it is and what i
can do about it because i don't like who

can do about it because i don't like who

can do about it because i don't like who
i am i don't like that i'm going to jump

i am i don't like that i'm going to jump

i am i don't like that i'm going to jump
down somebody's throat the next time

down somebody's throat the next time

down somebody's throat the next time
they say something crazy because i go

they say something crazy because i go

they say something crazy because i go
crazy

crazy

crazy
and i'm going to hurt someone or myself

and i'm going to hurt someone or myself

and i'm going to hurt someone or myself
and i don't want to i don't want to be

and i don't want to i don't want to be

and i don't want to i don't want to be
that person and it wasn't going to get

that person and it wasn't going to get

that person and it wasn't going to get
better it was getting worse

better it was getting worse

better it was getting worse
um

um

um
and they said and

and they said and

and they said and
but it took longer

but it took longer

but it took longer
you know um

with lorenzo

with lorenzo
you know it wasn't about getting to the

you know it wasn't about getting to the

you know it wasn't about getting to the
va it was about

va it was about

va it was about
let's get some money so we can keep a

let's get some money so we can keep a

let's get some money so we can keep a
roof over our house because

roof over our house because

roof over our house because
it wasn't about okay let's go to therapy

it wasn't about okay let's go to therapy

it wasn't about okay let's go to therapy
now it wasn't about that it was about

now it wasn't about that it was about

now it wasn't about that it was about
let's get some money so we can buy some

let's get some money so we can buy some

let's get some money so we can buy some
bread and butter and how did you do that

bread and butter and how did you do that

bread and butter and how did you do that
i went and prostituted

i went and prostituted

i went and prostituted
and uh and how did i do that how was i

and uh and how did i do that how was i

and uh and how did i do that how was i
capable of doing that by doing drugs

capable of doing that by doing drugs

capable of doing that by doing drugs
because i sure wasn't going to do it

because i sure wasn't going to do it

because i sure wasn't going to do it
clean

clean

clean
i sure would and lorenzo sure didn't

i sure would and lorenzo sure didn't

i sure would and lorenzo sure didn't
like the idea of me doing it period

like the idea of me doing it period

like the idea of me doing it period
i just i couldn't take anymore

i just i couldn't take anymore

i just i couldn't take anymore
i'd gone up into

i'd gone up into

i'd gone up into
trimming this little car that we had

trimming this little car that we had

trimming this little car that we had
up into what was known as the potter's

up into what was known as the potter's

up into what was known as the potter's
field

field

field
in texas where

in texas where

in texas where
people went and buried

people went and buried

people went and buried
they're dead

they're dead

they're dead
they didn't have the money to bury them

they didn't have the money to bury them

they didn't have the money to bury them
legitimately

legitimately

legitimately
i went up there i took a hot shot

i went up there i took a hot shot

i went up there i took a hot shot
um of cocaine up there with me and uh

um of cocaine up there with me and uh

um of cocaine up there with me and uh
that's what i was gonna do i was gonna

that's what i was gonna do i was gonna

that's what i was gonna do i was gonna
die in this potter's field and that was

die in this potter's field and that was

die in this potter's field and that was
gonna be the end and

gonna be the end and

gonna be the end and
it was just going to be over

when i went to do this

when i went to do this
this policeman that had known me

this policeman that had known me

this policeman that had known me
for many years

for many years

for many years
had put me in and out of jail for

had put me in and out of jail for

had put me in and out of jail for
protective custody

pulled up

pulled up
and came to my window

and came to my window

and came to my window
and just looked at me and i cried

and just looked at me and i cried

and just looked at me and i cried
and i broke down and i cried while i'd

and i broke down and i cried while i'd

and i broke down and i cried while i'd
thrown that needle out and didn't have

thrown that needle out and didn't have

thrown that needle out and didn't have
it and

it and

it and
i cried and he was just like nancy i've

i cried and he was just like nancy i've

i cried and he was just like nancy i've
never seen you cry before never i've

never seen you cry before never i've

never seen you cry before never i've
never seen you cry well you know what's

never seen you cry well you know what's

never seen you cry well you know what's
going on here what is this

going on here what is this

going on here what is this
and i was like i just i'm done i'm over

and i was like i just i'm done i'm over

and i was like i just i'm done i'm over
i just want this to end you know

i just want this to end you know

i just want this to end you know
[Music]

[Music]

[Music]
i don't want to feel like this anymore

i just remember feeling

i just remember feeling
you know

you know

you know
i've tried

i've tried

i've tried
and uh

and uh

and uh
it doesn't i can't stop feeling like

it doesn't i can't stop feeling like

it doesn't i can't stop feeling like
this and it won't go away even when i do

this and it won't go away even when i do

this and it won't go away even when i do
the drugs it's only temporary it's first

the drugs it's only temporary it's first

the drugs it's only temporary it's first
second

second

second
but it just comes back

but it just comes back

but it just comes back
and he said i swear to god i'll get you

and he said i swear to god i'll get you

and he said i swear to god i'll get you
help i swear to god i'll get you help

help i swear to god i'll get you help

help i swear to god i'll get you help
he says i'll do it i'll do it you got to

he says i'll do it i'll do it you got to

he says i'll do it i'll do it you got to
find that needle and that's the only way

find that needle and that's the only way

find that needle and that's the only way
we can do it

we can do it

we can do it
so picture this

so picture this

so picture this
being this

being this

being this
big huge cop

big huge cop

big huge cop
and uh we used to call him porky

and uh we used to call him porky

and uh we used to call him porky
and he answered to it did you mind

and he answered to it did you mind

and he answered to it did you mind
so me and this big cop porky are out

so me and this big cop porky are out

so me and this big cop porky are out
there

there

there
looking through the grass that's this

looking through the grass that's this

looking through the grass that's this
tall around you know

tall around you know

tall around you know
shallow graves

shallow graves

shallow graves
looking for that stupid needle

looking for that stupid needle

looking for that stupid needle
and we can't find it

and we can't find it

and we can't find it
it's gone

it's gone

it's gone
and uh

and uh

and uh
he said told me to uh

he said told me to uh

he said told me to uh
turn around

turn around

turn around
and uh it did

and uh it did

and uh it did
and

and

and
somehow amazingly this little bag of

somehow amazingly this little bag of

somehow amazingly this little bag of
cocaine with just a little residue in

cocaine with just a little residue in

cocaine with just a little residue in
there that one mine came up

there that one mine came up

there that one mine came up
and he said i'm gonna put you under

and he said i'm gonna put you under

and he said i'm gonna put you under
arrest for

arrest for

arrest for
this

that's not my english

that's not my english
i'm gonna put you under arrest for this

i'm gonna put you under arrest for this

i'm gonna put you under arrest for this
and i'm gonna ask that the court

and i'm gonna ask that the court

and i'm gonna ask that the court
help you with your addiction

help you with your addiction

help you with your addiction
and she you know because she has a lot

and she you know because she has a lot

and she you know because she has a lot
of fortitude to overcome what she

of fortitude to overcome what she

of fortitude to overcome what she
overcome mean you know and but what they

overcome mean you know and but what they

overcome mean you know and but what they
say you know god don't give you no more

say you know god don't give you no more

say you know god don't give you no more
than you can

than you can

than you can
handle is that they're saying

handle is that they're saying

handle is that they're saying
you know most of the bad things i i know

you know most of the bad things i i know

you know most of the bad things i i know
i don't want to say because

i don't want to say because

i don't want to say because
it's just you know those i like to

it's just you know those i like to

it's just you know those i like to
forget

forget

forget
and you can't

and you can't

and you can't
live forward if you keep looking behind

live forward if you keep looking behind

live forward if you keep looking behind
you

you

you
things started getting really good and

things started getting really good and

things started getting really good and
hence moving into a business field and

hence moving into a business field and

hence moving into a business field and
working with the

working with the

working with the
um

um

um
starting to

starting to

starting to
go into the aaa

go into the aaa

go into the aaa
and the nas and the getting the sobriety

and the nas and the getting the sobriety

and the nas and the getting the sobriety
behind my back and then venturing into

behind my back and then venturing into

behind my back and then venturing into
owning my own business and wrapping that

owning my own business and wrapping that

owning my own business and wrapping that
around the aaa and doing the conferences

around the aaa and doing the conferences

around the aaa and doing the conferences
around the united states

around the united states

around the united states
and taking that business

and taking that business

and taking that business
from

from

from
just a towny thing to a state thing

just a towny thing to a state thing

just a towny thing to a state thing
to a national thing

to a national thing

to a national thing
to an international recording business

to an international recording business

to an international recording business
called beneficial tapes and cds

called beneficial tapes and cds

called beneficial tapes and cds
all about

all about

all about
o a a-a-n-a-o-a-g

o a a-a-n-a-o-a-g

o a a-a-n-a-o-a-g
a

a

a
i can give you all the anonymous

i can give you all the anonymous

i can give you all the anonymous
programs and i had 5500 tapes or so the

programs and i had 5500 tapes or so the

programs and i had 5500 tapes or so the
woman that had the company she made 8

woman that had the company she made 8

woman that had the company she made 8
000 a year

000 a year

000 a year
within two years i took that company

within two years i took that company

within two years i took that company
from eight thousand a year to a hundred

from eight thousand a year to a hundred

from eight thousand a year to a hundred
and two thousand a year

and two thousand a year

and two thousand a year
i kept pushing those emotions down and

i kept pushing those emotions down and

i kept pushing those emotions down and
numbing myself out through

numbing myself out through

numbing myself out through
meetings and other people's problems and

meetings and other people's problems and

meetings and other people's problems and
the business and just kept kept

the business and just kept kept

the business and just kept kept
distracting myself and i stayed sober

distracting myself and i stayed sober

distracting myself and i stayed sober
and clean for six years

and clean for six years

and clean for six years
and i put lorenzo to the back

and i put lorenzo to the back

and i put lorenzo to the back
[Music]

[Music]

[Music]
because he was stuck

because he was stuck

because he was stuck
he didn't want to move forward he was

he didn't want to move forward he was

he didn't want to move forward he was
stuck where he was at he didn't want to

stuck where he was at he didn't want to

stuck where he was at he didn't want to
change he just wanted to stay right

change he just wanted to stay right

change he just wanted to stay right
where he's at and i didn't want that i

where he's at and i didn't want that i

where he's at and i didn't want that i
wanted i wanted the house i wanted the

wanted i wanted the house i wanted the

wanted i wanted the house i wanted the
cars i wanted the money i wanted to feel

cars i wanted the money i wanted to feel

cars i wanted the money i wanted to feel
good i wanted i wanted to be

good i wanted i wanted to be

good i wanted i wanted to be
not high class not middle class i just

not high class not middle class i just

not high class not middle class i just
wanted to be

wanted to be

wanted to be
okay

okay

okay
but i always had

but i always had

but i always had
something gnawing at me

something gnawing at me

something gnawing at me
you know and people were asking me to

you know and people were asking me to

you know and people were asking me to
speak

speak

speak
and i'd stand up there with that smile

and i'd stand up there with that smile

and i'd stand up there with that smile
and inside it was like i just wanted to

and inside it was like i just wanted to

and inside it was like i just wanted to
rip the microphone away and just

rip the microphone away and just

rip the microphone away and just
oh i just i was just filled with

oh i just i was just filled with

oh i just i was just filled with
grief and

grief and

grief and
pain and here i am just one day at a

pain and here i am just one day at a

pain and here i am just one day at a
time one day at a time and i'm like oh

time one day at a time and i'm like oh

time one day at a time and i'm like oh
my god would this day just get over whip

my god would this day just get over whip

my god would this day just get over whip
oh and tomorrow like a deal again

oh and tomorrow like a deal again

oh and tomorrow like a deal again
another day

another day

another day
are you kidding

are you kidding

are you kidding
me and i'm dying inside and i'm crying

me and i'm dying inside and i'm crying

me and i'm dying inside and i'm crying
myself to sleep and i'm waking up going

myself to sleep and i'm waking up going

myself to sleep and i'm waking up going
oh my god do i really have to get out of

oh my god do i really have to get out of

oh my god do i really have to get out of
bed again

bed again

bed again
how many more times am i going to do

how many more times am i going to do

how many more times am i going to do
this

this

this
and my mom dies

and my mom dies

and my mom dies
[Music]

i'm [ __ ] believable

i'm [ __ ] believable
my mom died

my mom died

my mom died
and i go out of my head

and i go out of my head

and i go out of my head
i uh

overdosed

overdosed
a week or so later

a week or so later

a week or so later
and uh came to

and uh came to

and uh came to
and um

and um

and um
started walking

started walking

started walking
um

um

um
to a pay phone

to a pay phone

to a pay phone
not realizing i was walking on

not realizing i was walking on

not realizing i was walking on
black

black

black
hot tar

hot tar

hot tar
texas sun midday

got to the phone and i called lorenzo

got to the phone and i called lorenzo
and uh told me he needed to come get me

and uh told me he needed to come get me

and uh told me he needed to come get me
what had happened

what had happened

what had happened
um

um

um
by the time he got there other people

by the time he got there other people

by the time he got there other people
had called the ambulance i was screaming

had called the ambulance i was screaming

had called the ambulance i was screaming
laying on the ground

laying on the ground

laying on the ground
ambulance immediately took me to the

ambulance immediately took me to the

ambulance immediately took me to the
hospital

hospital

hospital
to my burnt the bottom of my feet so bad

to my burnt the bottom of my feet so bad

to my burnt the bottom of my feet so bad
that i wasn't going to be walking for a

that i wasn't going to be walking for a

that i wasn't going to be walking for a
while

while

while
um

um

um
i was placed on the flight deck a mental

i was placed on the flight deck a mental

i was placed on the flight deck a mental
ward at the va hospital

who had

who had
seen me a couple of times for the

seen me a couple of times for the

seen me a couple of times for the
depression or an overdose or so i've

depression or an overdose or so i've

depression or an overdose or so i've
always

always

always
left

left

left
um

um

um
va me

va me

va me
you mean veteran something military

you mean veteran something military

you mean veteran something military
something no oh i'm gonna have it

something no oh i'm gonna have it

something no oh i'm gonna have it
um

and uh so

and uh so
i wheeled around in there for

i wheeled around in there for

i wheeled around in there for
a month i think i'm not even sure how

a month i think i'm not even sure how

a month i think i'm not even sure how
long and they put me in a

long and they put me in a

long and they put me in a
sober program

sober program

sober program
there were other girls there so that

there were other girls there so that

there were other girls there so that
made me okay

made me okay

made me okay
with it the business was pretty much

with it the business was pretty much

with it the business was pretty much
crap by now

crap by now

crap by now
um

um

um
so i just figured what the heck i'll

so i just figured what the heck i'll

so i just figured what the heck i'll
just

just

just
go along with whatever anybody says

go along with whatever anybody says

go along with whatever anybody says
i didn't care anymore

i didn't care anymore

i didn't care anymore
i just signed up

i just signed up

i just signed up
um for information class on

um for information class on

um for information class on
clean energy so

clean energy so

clean energy so
the training i think is like six weeks

the training i think is like six weeks

the training i think is like six weeks
and then they give you a

and then they give you a

and then they give you a
um on the job training for six months

um on the job training for six months

um on the job training for six months
um so

um so

um so
that would be cool um just trying to get

that would be cool um just trying to get

that would be cool um just trying to get
back in the work field but

back in the work field but

back in the work field but
i'm not sure if it's going to hype give

i'm not sure if it's going to hype give

i'm not sure if it's going to hype give
it quite nervous at work even after

it quite nervous at work even after

it quite nervous at work even after
being there for a while

being there for a while

being there for a while
something will happen and in my head i

something will happen and in my head i

something will happen and in my head i
just make it so huge

just make it so huge

just make it so huge
um to the point where i don't even want

um to the point where i don't even want

um to the point where i don't even want
to go to work anymore

to go to work anymore

to go to work anymore
it's

it's

it's
but i want to try and fight that i know

but i want to try and fight that i know

but i want to try and fight that i know
what my

what my

what my
past behaviors have been now after

past behaviors have been now after

past behaviors have been now after
looking at it so hard

looking at it so hard

looking at it so hard
that there i i know in my mind what and

that there i i know in my mind what and

that there i i know in my mind what and
on paper

on paper

on paper
what i it is i want to change about that

what i it is i want to change about that

what i it is i want to change about that
this uh

this uh

this uh
[Music]

[Music]

[Music]
course doesn't even start for another

course doesn't even start for another

course doesn't even start for another
um two months so i'm hoping i can

um two months so i'm hoping i can

um two months so i'm hoping i can
do enough paperwork and coping skills to

do enough paperwork and coping skills to

do enough paperwork and coping skills to
to really do this

so i showed up to the sober house and um

so i showed up to the sober house and um
this huge guy

this huge guy

this huge guy
we're talking like six six six seven

we're talking like six six six seven

we're talking like six six six seven
open the door big beautiful guy

open the door big beautiful guy

open the door big beautiful guy
opened his door and he said

opened his door and he said

opened his door and he said
we have been waiting for you

we have been waiting for you

we have been waiting for you
welcome

welcome

welcome
and i was like

and i was like

and i was like
this looks like a nice place i knew that

this looks like a nice place i knew that

this looks like a nice place i knew that
emotionally i was very weak

emotionally i was very weak

emotionally i was very weak
and i think glenn saw that and um

and i think glenn saw that and um

and i think glenn saw that and um
and he seemed to really want to you know

and he seemed to really want to you know

and he seemed to really want to you know
be there for me he seemed to be

be there for me he seemed to be

be there for me he seemed to be
he got a job and quickly we

he got a job and quickly we

he got a job and quickly we
got a little trailer and

got a little trailer and

got a little trailer and
we started living there and about six

we started living there and about six

we started living there and about six
months into the relationship we did get

months into the relationship we did get

months into the relationship we did get
married very it was very quick

married very it was very quick

married very it was very quick
the next day he seemed very

the next day he seemed very

the next day he seemed very
off um things had changed very

off um things had changed very

off um things had changed very
drastically

drastically

drastically
within two weeks he started abusing me

within two weeks he started abusing me

within two weeks he started abusing me
the first

the first

the first
abuse was i was in the shower and he had

abuse was i was in the shower and he had

abuse was i was in the shower and he had
said something to me it was very i can't

said something to me it was very i can't

said something to me it was very i can't
remember what it was but

remember what it was but

remember what it was but
i had said something in return

i had said something in return

i had said something in return
and he

and he

and he
swung the curtain open grabbed me by

swung the curtain open grabbed me by

swung the curtain open grabbed me by
my hair and slammed my head into the

my hair and slammed my head into the

my hair and slammed my head into the
tile in the shower

tile in the shower

tile in the shower
and i couldn't a few times and i and i

and i couldn't a few times and i and i

and i couldn't a few times and i and i
was just dumbfounded that this had just

was just dumbfounded that this had just

was just dumbfounded that this had just
happened and i ended up

happened and i ended up

happened and i ended up
in the shower i remember kind of

in the shower i remember kind of

in the shower i remember kind of
coming too

coming too

coming too
i knew i was awake

i knew i was awake

i knew i was awake
and i was

and i was

and i was
i never lost consciousness or anything

i never lost consciousness or anything

i never lost consciousness or anything
and i remember just being there and the

and i remember just being there and the

and i remember just being there and the
water was freezing freezing cold and i

water was freezing freezing cold and i

water was freezing freezing cold and i
was cuddled up in a little ball in the

was cuddled up in a little ball in the

was cuddled up in a little ball in the
in the shower just in so much fear

in the shower just in so much fear

in the shower just in so much fear
so this kind of abuse started happening

so this kind of abuse started happening

so this kind of abuse started happening
more and more i called my sister

more and more i called my sister

more and more i called my sister
and she kind of was like what's going on

and she kind of was like what's going on

and she kind of was like what's going on
nancy are you doing drugs and i was like

nancy are you doing drugs and i was like

nancy are you doing drugs and i was like
no not at all you know something's

no not at all you know something's

no not at all you know something's
happening i don't you know i don't know

happening i don't you know i don't know

happening i don't you know i don't know
why he's acting this way

why he's acting this way

why he's acting this way
and she told my father my father would

and she told my father my father would

and she told my father my father would
call glenn and he'd say

call glenn and he'd say

call glenn and he'd say
i don't know what she's talking about

i don't know what she's talking about

i don't know what she's talking about
you know nancy come here what are you

you know nancy come here what are you

you know nancy come here what are you
talking about i said you know what you

talking about i said you know what you

talking about i said you know what you
did and he goes nancy i never did that

did and he goes nancy i never did that

did and he goes nancy i never did that
he was telling my family that i was

he was telling my family that i was

he was telling my family that i was
doing drugs again

doing drugs again

doing drugs again
i actually was still trying to do little

i actually was still trying to do little

i actually was still trying to do little
pieces of my business just locally

pieces of my business just locally

pieces of my business just locally
um

um

um
and inevitably um he convinced me to

and inevitably um he convinced me to

and inevitably um he convinced me to
sell the business

sell the business

sell the business
so now i had no income

so now i had no income

so now i had no income
so i was very isolated now and then he

so i was very isolated now and then he

so i was very isolated now and then he
started bringing home cocaine to me

started bringing home cocaine to me

started bringing home cocaine to me
and um so now i was being abused i was

and um so now i was being abused i was

and um so now i was being abused i was
being kept i was isolated i did not talk

being kept i was isolated i did not talk

being kept i was isolated i did not talk
to my family anymore

to my family anymore

to my family anymore
he was

he was

he was
he was filling my family

he was filling my family

he was filling my family
with information that was totally untrue

with information that was totally untrue

with information that was totally untrue
we moved and now we're out in the middle

we moved and now we're out in the middle

we moved and now we're out in the middle
of nowhere

of nowhere

of nowhere
it's five miles to the nearest store

it's five miles to the nearest store

it's five miles to the nearest store
my neighbor is

my neighbor is

my neighbor is
three miles away

three miles away

three miles away
and we're living on five acres

and we're living on five acres

and we're living on five acres
i start calling lorenzo and telling him

i start calling lorenzo and telling him

i start calling lorenzo and telling him
what's happening

what's happening

what's happening
he doesn't believe it

he doesn't believe it

he doesn't believe it
but he starts visiting during the day

but he starts visiting during the day

but he starts visiting during the day
when

when

when
my husband was at work and he's starting

my husband was at work and he's starting

my husband was at work and he's starting
to see bruises

to see bruises

to see bruises
now i'm starting to be strangled

now i'm starting to be strangled

now i'm starting to be strangled
to pass out

to pass out

to pass out
um if his dinner's not done he

um if his dinner's not done he

um if his dinner's not done he
you know if it's not cooked right

you know if it's not cooked right

you know if it's not cooked right
i'm getting slapped if i

i'm getting slapped if i

i'm getting slapped if i
fight back and being strangled

fight back and being strangled

fight back and being strangled
um one time i i ran down the street

um one time i i ran down the street

um one time i i ran down the street
after being coming to after being

after being coming to after being

after being coming to after being
strangled and i had grabbed his phone

strangled and i had grabbed his phone

strangled and i had grabbed his phone
and called the police

and called the police

and called the police
and they picked me up

and they picked me up

and they picked me up
and brought me back to the trailer

and brought me back to the trailer

and brought me back to the trailer
and they arrested both of us

and they arrested both of us

and they arrested both of us
because he said that i had hit him

because he said that i had hit him

because he said that i had hit him
and i just was like i could not believe

and i just was like i could not believe

and i just was like i could not believe
that they had arrested me

that they had arrested me

that they had arrested me
um so i learned to keep my mouth shut

um so i learned to keep my mouth shut

um so i learned to keep my mouth shut
and take the abuse

so i found a little ranch that

so i found a little ranch that
transported horses in and out of the

transported horses in and out of the

transported horses in and out of the
country

country

country
and i wanted to be a ranch hand

and i wanted to be a ranch hand

and i wanted to be a ranch hand
and they said yeah we'd love to hire you

and they said yeah we'd love to hire you

and they said yeah we'd love to hire you
on

on

on
get in the way to the ranch and taking

get in the way to the ranch and taking

get in the way to the ranch and taking
care of the horses

care of the horses

care of the horses
was my uh escape

finally

finally
one day

one day

one day
i called my brother

i called my brother

i called my brother
i told him i said this is what's

i told him i said this is what's

i told him i said this is what's
happening

happening

happening
and i need someone to believe me

and i need someone to believe me

and i need someone to believe me
and i need you to believe me because

and i need you to believe me because

and i need you to believe me because
nobody else will nobody believes that

nobody else will nobody believes that

nobody else will nobody believes that
this is happening he's got everybody

this is happening he's got everybody

this is happening he's got everybody
convinced my brother tricked my ex

convinced my brother tricked my ex

convinced my brother tricked my ex
in a conversation

in a conversation

in a conversation
and

and

and
anyway my ex

anyway my ex

anyway my ex
admitted to abusing me

admitted to abusing me

admitted to abusing me
and my brother hung up on him and called

and my brother hung up on him and called

and my brother hung up on him and called
me and he said i'm so sorry i didn't

me and he said i'm so sorry i didn't

me and he said i'm so sorry i didn't
believe you

believe you

believe you
and my heart losing out of my heart i

and my heart losing out of my heart i

and my heart losing out of my heart i
felt so vindicated

and i felt so loved and he said i love

and i felt so loved and he said i love
you so much come home please come home

you so much come home please come home

you so much come home please come home
just get away from there walk away just

just get away from there walk away just

just get away from there walk away just
leave everything

leave everything

leave everything
[Music]

[Music]

[Music]
but i ended up

but i ended up

but i ended up
in brockton va hospital

in brockton va hospital

in brockton va hospital
in a program that's called the woman's

in a program that's called the woman's

in a program that's called the woman's
integrated treatment and recovery

integrated treatment and recovery

integrated treatment and recovery
program

program

program
which dealt with

which dealt with

which dealt with
addiction

addiction

addiction
as well as a dual with a dual diagnosis

as well as a dual with a dual diagnosis

as well as a dual with a dual diagnosis
um they had

um they had

um they had
diagnosed me with post-traumatic stress

diagnosed me with post-traumatic stress

diagnosed me with post-traumatic stress
disorder

disorder

disorder
as well as

as well as

as well as
substance abuse

substance abuse

substance abuse
i met the criteria for full-blown

i met the criteria for full-blown

i met the criteria for full-blown
post-traumatic stress disorder had this

post-traumatic stress disorder had this

post-traumatic stress disorder had this
been treated directly after the attack

been treated directly after the attack

been treated directly after the attack
i would have just had

i would have just had

i would have just had
some stress

some stress

some stress
if i had said something

if i had said something

if i had said something
25 years earlier they might have been

25 years earlier they might have been

25 years earlier they might have been
able to treat the stress from the

able to treat the stress from the

able to treat the stress from the
traumatic event and it may not have

traumatic event and it may not have

traumatic event and it may not have
turned

turned

turned
to a disorder they may have been able to

to a disorder they may have been able to

to a disorder they may have been able to
take care of it then and so i've been

take care of it then and so i've been

take care of it then and so i've been
battling this underlying thing this

battling this underlying thing this

battling this underlying thing this
whole time that one thing is like

whole time that one thing is like

whole time that one thing is like
something's wrong in here something's

something's wrong in here something's

something's wrong in here something's
wrong

wrong

wrong
i knew there was something wrong i knew

i knew there was something wrong i knew

i knew there was something wrong i knew
it wasn't just the alcohol i knew it

it wasn't just the alcohol i knew it

it wasn't just the alcohol i knew it
wasn't i was

wasn't i was

wasn't i was
i was avoiding something there was

i was avoiding something there was

i was avoiding something there was
something in my world and i didn't know

something in my world and i didn't know

something in my world and i didn't know
what it was and this is what it was and

what it was and this is what it was and

what it was and this is what it was and
they finally told me

they finally told me

they finally told me
they went through all types of criteria

they went through all types of criteria

they went through all types of criteria
for bipolar and schizophrenia and

for bipolar and schizophrenia and

for bipolar and schizophrenia and
um

um

um
a borderline personality disorder and

a borderline personality disorder and

a borderline personality disorder and
and just all these different tests and

and just all these different tests and

and just all these different tests and
oh my god and they finally said we got

oh my god and they finally said we got

oh my god and they finally said we got
it

it

it
and this lady came in and she knelt down

and this lady came in and she knelt down

and this lady came in and she knelt down
next to my chair and she grabbed my hand

next to my chair and she grabbed my hand

next to my chair and she grabbed my hand
and just that human touch

there's not one hand touching my hand i

there's not one hand touching my hand i
was like that's all i had oh i just

was like that's all i had oh i just

was like that's all i had oh i just
wanted someone to touch me and hold me

wanted someone to touch me and hold me

wanted someone to touch me and hold me
right and just touch my hand

right and just touch my hand

right and just touch my hand
and that human contact alone was just i

and that human contact alone was just i

and that human contact alone was just i
just i just wanted someone to let me

just i just wanted someone to let me

just i just wanted someone to let me
know that i'm still here

know that i'm still here

know that i'm still here
and she touched my hand and it didn't

and she touched my hand and it didn't

and she touched my hand and it didn't
matter what she was gonna say to me

matter what she was gonna say to me

matter what she was gonna say to me
and i was like okay i'm actually a

and i was like okay i'm actually a

and i was like okay i'm actually a
person i was like oh my god someone's

person i was like oh my god someone's

person i was like oh my god someone's
touching me

touching me

touching me
and it was a nice touch and it felt so

and it was a nice touch and it felt so

and it was a nice touch and it felt so
good

good

good
to have somebody touch me

it was worthy

it was worthy
of a touch

and she said you have post-traumatic

and she said you have post-traumatic
stress

it's become a disorder

it's become a disorder
and these are your symptoms

and these are your symptoms

and these are your symptoms
and she handed me

and she handed me

and she handed me
a sheet

a sheet

a sheet
[Music]

[Music]

[Music]
and it showed all these symptoms and i

and it showed all these symptoms and i

and it showed all these symptoms and i
just like check check check check check

just like check check check check check

just like check check check check check
check check check check check

check check check check check

check check check check check
and i was like oh my god that's me

and i was like oh my god that's me

and i was like oh my god that's me
that's so me and i was like okay what do

that's so me and i was like okay what do

that's so me and i was like okay what do
i do

i do

i do
immediately

immediately

immediately
my

my

my
mind was like if i got all this i know

mind was like if i got all this i know

mind was like if i got all this i know
she's trying she's gonna say there's a

she's trying she's gonna say there's a

she's trying she's gonna say there's a
way to get to cope with this

i'm julie lovely and i'm the executive

i'm julie lovely and i'm the executive
director of wild hearts therapeutic

director of wild hearts therapeutic

director of wild hearts therapeutic
equestrian program

equestrian program

equestrian program
and we run a program specifically for

and we run a program specifically for

and we run a program specifically for
veterans that have ptsd tbi or mst and

veterans that have ptsd tbi or mst and

veterans that have ptsd tbi or mst and
it's called wild hearts horses for

it's called wild hearts horses for

it's called wild hearts horses for
heroes we start out the program

heroes we start out the program

heroes we start out the program
with a herd observation so usually what

with a herd observation so usually what

with a herd observation so usually what
we do is we watch the horses interact

we do is we watch the horses interact

we do is we watch the horses interact
with each other and how they communicate

with each other and how they communicate

with each other and how they communicate
how they establish their hierarchy

how they establish their hierarchy

how they establish their hierarchy
we learn about their body language and

we learn about their body language and

we learn about their body language and
then we start with grooming

then we start with grooming

then we start with grooming
so we really we emphasize leadership

so we really we emphasize leadership

so we really we emphasize leadership
and

and

and
building trust and establishing a

building trust and establishing a

building trust and establishing a
partnership with our horses

partnership with our horses

partnership with our horses
if you have

if you have

if you have
ptsd

ptsd

ptsd
or have you been

a victim of military sexual assault

a victim of military sexual assault
to not

to not

to not
to go and get help there's help out

to go and get help there's help out

to go and get help there's help out
there if you reach out for it

there if you reach out for it

there if you reach out for it
and you know that's probably the hardest

and you know that's probably the hardest

and you know that's probably the hardest
part

part

part
but you know go out there and try to get

but you know go out there and try to get

but you know go out there and try to get
some help

some help

some help
and nancy did and it changed her life

there have been times where i

there have been times where i
thought about you know

thought about you know

thought about you know
ending it ending the pain

ending it ending the pain

ending it ending the pain
and uh going to the other side

and uh going to the other side

and uh going to the other side
and

and

and
the fact is that if i do that they'll

the fact is that if i do that they'll

the fact is that if i do that they'll
put him down and i don't want that to

put him down and i don't want that to

put him down and i don't want that to
happen

happen

happen
because nobody has the

because nobody has the

because nobody has the
time or the patience to deal with them

time or the patience to deal with them

time or the patience to deal with them
but

but

but
i don't plan

i don't plan

i don't plan
to kill myself anymore because i know

to kill myself anymore because i know

to kill myself anymore because i know
when i start the plan in my head it just

when i start the plan in my head it just

when i start the plan in my head it just
makes it

makes it

makes it
so huge

so huge

so huge
so if the thought

so if the thought

so if the thought
comes oh well i'll just end it

comes oh well i'll just end it

comes oh well i'll just end it
i need to stop it from there and say

i need to stop it from there and say

i need to stop it from there and say
okay wait a second i got dogs you know i

okay wait a second i got dogs you know i

okay wait a second i got dogs you know i
gotta pay a

gotta pay a

gotta pay a
mortgage um

mortgage um

mortgage um
you know what my life is pretty good and

you know what my life is pretty good and

you know what my life is pretty good and
i have to remind myself not to go

i have to remind myself not to go

i have to remind myself not to go
forward to the next step of planning

forward to the next step of planning

forward to the next step of planning
because when you get into planning

because when you get into planning

because when you get into planning
that's a very dangerous that's i call

that's a very dangerous that's i call

that's a very dangerous that's i call
that my hot spot

that my hot spot

that my hot spot
i do believe that there's been some form

i do believe that there's been some form

i do believe that there's been some form
of intervention every time

of intervention every time

of intervention every time
so

so

so
call it angels call it fate call it god

call it angels call it fate call it god

call it angels call it fate call it god
call it whatever you want to but

call it whatever you want to but

call it whatever you want to but
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i think i'm a miracle

i think i'm a miracle

i think i'm a miracle
so anyway i just gotta face my fears

so anyway i just gotta face my fears

so anyway i just gotta face my fears
um and just keep realizing what's

um and just keep realizing what's

um and just keep realizing what's
rational what's irrational what's a

rational what's irrational what's a

rational what's irrational what's a
delusion

delusion

delusion
you know

you know

you know
and really think about being very

and really think about being very

and really think about being very
mindful

mindful

mindful
about just about everything

who am i

who am i
i'm a runaway

i'm a runaway

i'm a runaway
i'm a homeless person

i'm a homeless person

i'm a homeless person
i'm a foster kid i'm a sailor i'm a

i'm a foster kid i'm a sailor i'm a

i'm a foster kid i'm a sailor i'm a
victim

victim

victim
i'm a widow

i'm a widow

i'm a widow
i'm a divorcee

i'm a divorcee

i'm a divorcee
i'm a drug addict an alcoholic

i'm a drug addict an alcoholic

i'm a drug addict an alcoholic
i'm abused and an abuser

i'm abused and an abuser

i'm abused and an abuser
i'm not oh god i just can't freaking

i'm not oh god i just can't freaking

i'm not oh god i just can't freaking
seem to get this let me do it this time

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so

so

so
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