All language subtitles for Jacinta.2020.PROPER.WEBRip.x264-ION10

[ wind gusts, waves crash ]

ROSEMARY: Hey, Jacinta.

[ children laugh ]

WOMAN: Say hi.

CHILDREN: Hi!

ROSEMARY:
And these are the criminals.

They will never get out
from my jail.

BOY: Help me! Help me!
Let me out.

[ children shouting ]

RICH: That's the record button.
Yep.

ROSEMARY: Is that
what it's saying?

RICH: That's what it be saying.

Are you a silly-willy?

ROSEMARY: Yep.

JACINTA: My dad explained to me,

when you're an infant
and you cry,

your mom picks you up
and comforts you.

When I was an infant

my mom cried.

She picked me up for comfort.

[ somber music plays ]

♪♪

♪♪

[ indistinct conversations ]

[ TV plays indistinctly ]

♪♪

♪♪

- Should I put my hair up?

I never put my hair up.

Yes? No?

- What?

- Should I do the '90s thing?

Like this?

- Oh, my God.

- Hey, girl.

You looking kind of good!

What's your name?
[ laughs ]

- Stop. No.

JACINTA: I've been in
for eight months...

and I have a month
left of my sentence.

Thank you.

My first time
being incarcerated...

I think I was 15.

I'm 26,

and there hasn't been
many breaks in between.

WOMAN: Pitch five.

Get it! Yep!

[ indistinct conversations ]

- I'm trying not to be seen

because I've already been warned
at the window for talking.

And so if I'm seen,
I'm gonna get a write-up.

What are you doing, Ma?

I don't want to get caught
at your window.

ROSEMARY: Alright. I don't want
to get you in trouble.

JACINTA: Alright.
I love you, Mom.

ROSEMARY: I love you, too.

Are you still making it?

- Yep, at noon time.

[ indistinct shouting,
cheering ]

- Run! Run, Bridget!

- Go ahead!
- You flinched.

- Go ahead.

I only flinched 'cause
I didn't want to hurt you.

[ both laugh ]

- Save it.

[ women cheer ]

- You're a big baby, I swear.

[ laughs ]

- Abuse.

[ women cheering ]

I called my mother
a bitch once, right?

She smacks me in the mouth,
and I --

- I didn't smack you
in the mouth.

That ain't exactly --
Don't lie. Don't you lie.

You went...
You're like this.

You said,
"I should smash you, bitch,"

is what you said.

- She smacked me in the mouth.

- Tell the whole story.
- And cried.

- [ chuckles ]

JACINTA: Listen, Joanne,

she calls my mom at like
2:00 in the morning.

She's like,
"Your daughter ripped me off."

ROSEMARY: I remember that.
- "I'm gonna whoop her ass."

I hear my mom's truck coming,

flying down Pine Street
at fuckin' 2:00 in the morning,

blaring REO Speedwagon

Take It On The Run,
right? [ laughs ]

I'm like, "Yep,
here comes my mom."

So, she's up in --
- You weren't even there yet.

I was already there,
and I'm calling Jacinta,

and she said, "Mom, I'm gonna
be there in two minutes."

I'm pissed.

- I was in the alley
taking a couple of hits.

This girl peeps my mom
coming through the door.

She goes "Yeah.
Yeah, you, Rosemary."

My mom grabs her and starts
beating the fuck out of her,

like boom, boom, boom.

Stomps her, like,
a couple of times.

Just stomping this bitch, right?

She turns around.
She's like "Hey."

I'm like hey.

My mom stomps her one more time.

She goes,
"What are you going to do?"

- I'm like, uh...
WOMAN: Oh, my God!

- I'm like, what are you doing?

- I was like, "Well,
I was gonna hit her, Mom."

She stomps her again.
That was it.

My mom goes, "Let's go."
She goes, "Wait, wait, wait.

Run her pockets.
Run her pockets."

I was like,
"She gave me all her money.

I ripped her off, remember?"

She goes, "Oh, yeah. Let's go."

The first time I ever
got into a fight,

I got beat up really bad,

and I went home
crying to my mom,

and she was like, "Don't ever
come home like this again."

And she brought me back,
and she made me fight her again,

and I beat her up.

And I got this sense
of empowerment.

At this point, like, I knew.

And when I was beating her up,

I was going like this.
Like, I didn't --

I was afraid
she was gonna hit me again,

and my mom kept making me
look at her

when I was hitting her.

And once I got that
burst of empowerment,

I was like, "Yeah,
I'm never gonna let this go."

[ laughter ]

- Go.

WOMAN: Oh, man.

- Go ahead.
Let me give it to you.

Take it, Mom.
Take it.

- Oh, to me.
Is it my turn?

- Yeah.

[ both laugh ]

JACINTA: I could be having just,
like, a full storm of emotions

going on inside me.

My mom can just kind of look

and just be like,
"What's going on?"

I'm able to just tell her.

She knows about addiction.

She knows about incarceration.

She knows about...

everything.

- A man is facing
multiple charges

after police say they busted
him with a pound of pot.

Police say they found
those drugs during...

ROSEMARY: I did them
with a needle and thread.

I just sat there one day
and went like this.

I don't know why.

I was just young.

And then I got Jacinta's name
over here.

And then I've got Jacinta's
daughter's name over here.

EARNSHAW: How old were you
when you had your kids?

- I was 14 when I got pregnant
with Todd,

had him when I was 15,

and I was 16, 17
when I had Jacinta,

and 18 when I had my son, Shaun.

Then, I had a hysterectomy
due to a rape when I --

When I was 20,

I had a hysterectomy
due to a rape.

So I couldn't have
kids after that.

So got lucky that
I had my kids.

Those are my two boys,
Todd and Shaun,

and their two daughters.

That's my granddaughter,
Caylynn.

Jacinta here.
[ laughs ]

I feel that when she leaves,
it's, like...

is it goodbye?

[ voice breaking ] It kills me.

And with the heroin going on,

I keep saying to her,
"Jacint..."

I said, "You can't use,

because the addiction
is gonna suck you in,

and the heroin that people
are selling now is --

It's not heroin.

It's a -- It's a drug
that's gonna kill you."

So, it's like,

"I don't even wanna
see her leave."

I wish she could just
stay here...

[ sniffles ]

...and wait for me.

JACINTA: Crafts, just to help me
forget what's going on...

but I miss my daughter.

It says, "I love you yesterday,
tomorrow, and today.

Family together at heart,

even in distance never apart."

And I never send them.

I don't know why.

Sometimes, I just feel like
she's okay without me, though.

[ sentimental music plays ]

♪♪

♪♪

My mother has another
three years left

of her sentence.

I feel guilty.

There's really
no way to prepare

for leaving her.

[ insects chirping ]

WOMAN: Good luck.

- Thanks.

WOMAN #2: Be good.
Stay outta here.

ROSEMARY: Okay?

I love you.

JACINTA: I love you.

[ voice breaking ] Go, Mom.

ROSEMARY: You go.

Stay strong.

- I love you, Mom.

[ police radio chatter ]

Fucking stop it
from happening!

[ sobbing ]

OFFICER: You're almost out.

Don't do that.

- There they are.

OFFICER #2: Over there?
JACINTA: Yep.

OFFICER #2: Alright.
Good luck. Stay out of here.

[ engine starts ]

- You look good.
JACINTA: Thank you, you too.

- Damn.
RICK: Hey, baby.

- Hi, Daddy.

You okay?

- What are you crying for?
I'm going home now.

- I'm happy. I'm happy.
I'm happy.

JACINTA: You're excited.

RICK: Yeah.

- You look good.

[ radio plays indistinctly ]

DEEJAY: WYMZ, WYMZ HD,
South Portland.

- Do it again. Aaah!

THE ALLMAN BROTHERS: ♪ And when
it's time for leavin' ♪

♪ I hope you'll understand ♪

- I don't understand
these people around here.

What is wrong with
letting somebody in?

- It's not -- It's closed.

- It's not closed.

You just have to...

SHAWN: I can't do it.
JACINTA: Yeah, you can.

SHAWN: No, I can't.

- Just do it.

- Aw, man.

Jacinta...

I can't do it.
I can't do it.

- I felt it.
It was in.

SHAWN: Yeah, halfway.
Not the back.

You ready?
- Yeah.

- Oh, it went through.

- See?

- This is delicious.

It don't even
feel real, does it?

- It's a cinnamon bun.

No, I'm talking about being out.

- What are you talking about?

- I'm not talking
about the food.

WOMAN: Living room, office,

meditation room.

- It's so pretty.

WOMAN: Aw, thanks.

- And so this is the other
available spot,

and then this has its own entry
and staircase.

So you can choose
whichever room.

- I like this room right here.
- This one?

- Yeah.
- Okay. Yeah.

So, we'll just bring
your stuff up.

Is she going to be
okay with my daughter?

That's the only question
that I would have.

WOMAN: Katie?
She's right there. Ask her.

KATIE: Like, staying the night?
- I asked her today.

She doesn't really want
to stay the night right away.

So, it it probably --
if it would be,

it wouldn't be for a while.
KATIE: Yeah.

WOMAN: And then,
there's a sleeper couch

down here, too, if she did.

- Yeah, I mean,
that's fine, yeah.

- She said she would want
to come visit,

but... she was like, "Yeah, no.

I don't want to really
stay the night."

So, she's also kind of like,

"Well, I don't want
to get comfortable.

I don't even know
if you're gonna stay clean.

So I can't really --

WOMAN: Fair enough, right?
- Yeah.

WOMAN #2: We'll make sure
you stay clean out here.

JACINTA: [ chuckles ]
- Mama will make sure you do.

JACINTA: Thanks. Okay.

WOMAN: Yeah.

Tuesday night is house night,

so we have
our house meeting here,

where I meet
with all the residents.

We talk about any house issues,
assign chores,

whatever we need to do.
RICK: Yep.

- And then Friday night
is a mandatory AA meeting here

in Gorham that they all go to.
- Which we love.

WOMAN: Good.
WOMAN #2: I love that meeting.

WOMAN:
So, there's plenty of meeting.

WOMAN #2: Bye.

[ chuckles ]

[ engine starts ]
- She seems alright.

WOMAN #2: Yeah, she is.

She works here on Tuesday --
- So is this staffed at night?

- No.

Not at all.

- No, but there's cameras
every place, Jacinta.

- Dad, that's not what
I was thinking.

- Okay.
I'm just letting you know.

- You won't be doing anything

you'd be getting told on,
anyways.

- No, she won't 'cause
I'll kick her ass.

- No, that's not --
- Her brother will kick her ass.

- I will kick her ass.

RICK: Daddy can see everything.

- No, we all see everything.

[ TV plays indistinctly ]

- Yeah,
But I'm your star pupil.

- No one comes even closer.

I've been tutoring Franky
for the last 12 months.

WOMAN: Sometimes, you only get
one second chance, you know?

Then if you're go
and use again,

there may not be,

you know, a second chance,
'cause you may not live.

[ scoffs ]

A guy was telling me,
a friend that came out used,

and... she died

after being in county
for four months.

She used once, and she's dead.

She was only 27 years old,

leaving behind a 10-year-old son
and a 4-year-old daughter.

Yep.

[ camera shutter clicks ]

[ camera shutter clicks ]

JACINTA: Every other time
I've gotten out,

I use heroin.

Didn't miss a beat.

It's all I know.

I haven't seen my daughter
in 10 months.

I'm excited,

but I need to feel
strong enough.

[ music plays indistinctly ]

ANNOUNCER: A salute
to this great country

is coming up
a little bit later on,

plus the best
fireworks display.

We're glad you're here!

- Breaking all the rules.

WOMAN: Who?
- [ chuckles ]

ANNOUNCER: Bonnie Harrison
in car number 12.

Make some noise!

[ cheers and applause ]

- I'm with the sober house.

I had Caylynn when I was 16.

When she was just 3 years old,

I was at St. Audrey's Group Home
with Caylynn.

I was on like six or seven meds.

I had been on lithium
since I was 14 years old.

The youth center put me on it.

I got lithium intoxication.
My kidneys shut down.

They took me off
all my medications.

Coming off all those meds
was just too much.

I asked her grandmother,

"Can you just take Caylynn
for a little while

until I get my head together?"

Last thing I said to Caylynn is,
"I promise you,

I will be back for you."

Just promising myself,
go back for her,

go back for her,
go back for her.

10 years later,
my kid's still there.

You know, sometimes,
it scares me that, like,

I almost feel, like...

in my mind...

'Cause, like, I think,
"Oh, my God.

I've been out
for almost two weeks,

and I haven't gotten high."

That's amazing for me.

I've never done that.

WOMAN: Are you
proud of yourself?

- I am.
WOMAN: Good.

- But then, like,
I'm not capable of being strong,

so like...

WOMAN:
Why would you say that?

- Because it just doesn't
happen like that for me.

So it's like I'm waiting
for this bombshell,

and every day, it's like...

I'm just like, oh,
don't let it be today.

Like, don't let today
be that day.

WOMAN: When you're
constantly waiting

for the other shoe to drop,

it becomes a situation
of self-sabotage.

Every night,
before you go to sleep,

I want you to write

three to five things
that you're grateful for.

Okay?

[ dog barks ]

RICK: What are you doing here?

JACINTA: What are
you doing here?

This is my home.

RICK: Yeah, right!

[ both groan ]

Where's this new tattoo
you got there, sweetheart?

Nice.

- Does it hurt?
- Yeah [ laughs ]

RICK: You know what
her best tattoo is?

On her wrist,
"Daddy's Girl."

BILLIE: Is it?
- I've got to get it darkened.

Yeah, read it.

[ baby coos ]

[ chuckles ]
Hi, little guy.

What's up, buddy?

Puke all over me.

- Your brother was
holding him up like this.

Puked all down him
and didn't even phase him.

He's like, "Hey,
will you grab me something?"

And I'm, like,
about to puke myself.

- Listen, if I wanted
any shit from you,

I'd ask for it.

Yeah!

[ dogs bark ]

SHAUN: Me and my sister,
we kind of had it the same.

When I was 18,

I went to prison myself
for drinking and driving.

You know, she grew up here.

She was lucky to have

her biological father

be able to take care of her...

...'cause my mom's always
been off and running.

- Boy, I haven't been through
these drawers in forever.

That's Jacinta
when she was a baby.

EARNSHAW: When did you
and Rosemary split up?

[ sighing ] Oh...

Actually, we split up

before Jacinta was born.

And then we tried
to get back together,

and it didn't work out so well

because she was going through

whatever she was going through
at that time.

I used to go get Jacinta

and then, of course,
bring her back.

I wish I could really
remember the date

and how old she was
when I got custody of her.

Hmm.

[ music plays indistinctly ]

JACINTA: I love this song.

This used to be the biggest
crack house in town.

Freddy used to live here.

He was, like, my best friend,

but he was, like, the biggest
drug dealer around here.

Okay, this guy,
Chuck, right here,

the guy with
the black shirt on...

he runs for mayor every year.

He thinks all the prostitutes
are going to, like...

get together
and make him rich.

Keith!

You trying to get in trouble?

Why?

How you doing?
When did you get out?

I've been out for a while.

Awesome. You look
real nice, look at you.

Thank you.

Congratulations.

Thank you.
That's awesome.

[ horn honks ]

So where did you go?

You went down to the hood, drove
around. You talked to nobody?

- Honestly...

she don't need
to see those people.

She doesn't.

You know,
she's got so many friends that

they all did wrong,

and it seems like... bam.

I don't know.

I-I'm just glad
nothing happened.

I really am.

[ somber music plays ]

♪♪

♪♪

JACINTA: I have dreams.

The dreams are weird.

Like Caylynn behind a door...

...crying.

I hear Cay, but I can't --
can't see anything around me.

I try to get to her, and then
I go to touch the door knob,

and it's too hot.

I can't get to the other side.

And the nights
that I don't have dreams.

I wake up every hour.

And then once I wake up,
I can't sleep.

Hi Mommy.

JACINTA: Hi.

CAYLYNN: [ screams ]

- What's the matter?

- [ laughs ] I can't breathe.

- I thought you were stronger
than me.

- [ laughs ] Well,
not when I'm pinned down.

- Well, that was the point.

- [ screams ] Stop, Mom!

[ both laugh ]

- Are you still
stronger than me?

Are you still stronger than me?
- No.

- What?
- You're way stronger than I am.

- Say it again?
- You're way stronger than I am.

- Are you gonna kiss me?
- Yes!

- Promise?
- I promise.

- Alright.

Now kiss me.

Go like this.
Go like this.

There you -- No.

Tighten up.
There you go.

Bam.
- Bam.

- That's how you do it.
Straight on.

Bam.

- Bam.

- No, like this.

There you go.

Bam.

Do you like these ones?

- I like them better.

- Get them both.

Get them both.

WANDA: Why are getting that kind
of stuff during summer?

You're gonna be hot.

You're not gonna wear that.

- Mommy picked it out.
- She likes them.

[ chuckles ]

- You can wear them whenever,
I guess,

but you're gonna need shorts.

WANDA: John and I took Caylynn
when she was 3 years old.

They won't see each other
for years at a time,

and the minute they're together,

it's like they never
left each other, ever.

Caylynn's father is my son,
Eric.

He's currently incarcerated.

For her,
sometimes with her father,

it was awkward here and there
after not being around him.

Not with her mother.
It's never awkward.

It's just
an automatic connection

the minute they see each other.

When Jacinta
delivered Caylynn...

right after she had her,

I was thinking, "Oh, this
is gonna be an amazing mother."

'Cause she looked at me,
and she said,

"How do you love somebody
so much that you've never met?"

Just to have that much love
for your child...

How do you let that go?

I think I'm leaving
the sober house.

CAYLYNN: Why?

JACINTA: Because I want
to take a job, Cay.

- I don't want you to.
JACINTA: Why?

- 'Cause I think that
that's just...

a better place.

They are really trying
to help you there,

and you said it yourself,

that that was your choice
and nobody else's,

but that was a good choice,

and I don't know why
you're gonna quit.

I was hoping you'd stay there
for a while.

You have anything to say?

JACINTA: I understand what
you're saying, and...

I don't mind staying
at the sober house.

I just -- I --

Getting a job
and moving forward...

it's something
that I feel I need to do.

- Well, what if it doesn't work?

What if the sober house
is the only thing

that's keeping you

going the way
you're supposed to?

I don't know.
You can do whatever you want.

[ speaks indistinctly ]

- It's getting hot.

I don't know why
this thing is not working.

It's pissing me off, though.

- Mommy...

- What?

- It's okay.

Let's just move on
with our lives.

- I need my purse.

- ♪ My child,
it's gonna be alright ♪

- Can you go see if I have
a lighter in my purse?

- No.
- Please?

- No.
- [ chuckles ]

Can you go get me my purse?

- Over my dead body.

- Please?
- No.

- Alright.
I got to get my purse.

- No.
- Yeah.

- Over my dead body.

- I'm going to get my purse.
- No, you're not.

- Yeah, I am.
- Do you love me?

- Yes, but I'm still going
to get my purse.

- Why?

- 'Cause I need a lighter.

- Why?
- 'Cause.

- 'Cause why?

- You know, there's a...

house...

down on my road,

and it's a nice house,

and it's, like, empty.

You could maybe get it

if you save enough money.

- Oh, yeah?
- Yeah.

So that way,
whenever I wanted to see you,

just walk down.
- [ laughs ]

And we can have sleep-overs

all the time.

That would be fun.

[ chuckles ]

- I had good day.

- Me too.

WANDA: Remember that?

This is supposed to be put away
with my stuff.

- [ chuckles ]

- Do you?
- What's that?

- Yeah.
- What is it?

- Your mother got me that.

- Really?
- Yeah.

I think it was a Mother's Day
or something years ago.

It's for knickknacks.

- I love you.
- I love you, too.

Keep up the good work.

- Thank you.

- Please.

- Love you.

WANDA: I love you, too.

- Don't cry, baby.

CAYLYNN: [ crying ]

- I'm gonna see you Friday.

- Probably we'll see you Friday.

Thank you for coming up.
JACINTA: Bye.

[ sentimental music plays ]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

What are you doing?

Um, nothing.

[ chuckles ]

Nothing.
Um...

I am on my way to Gorham,

but I really, really want
to get high right now.

So...

[ chuckles ]

Like, five minutes.

Alright.

Alright. Bye.

EARNSHAW: What are you gonna do?

- I'm gonna get high.

You can't have that camera on.

You should
probably shut that off now.

[ car door shuts ]

Thanks for not leaving me.

I can't...

can't put myself
through this again.

I cannot believe I fuckin'

really went through with it.

Oh, my God.

[ voice breaking ] Like, I...

literally was, like,

talking myself out

of not talking myself out of it.

Like...

I don't get it.

I'm never gonna be a mom.

[ somber music plays ]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

I went to see my daughter,

and I just had so many emotions
going through me.

It's almost like

I was holding off to that point.

Alright.
Look, I did it.

Like, I made it to see her.

I'm not a bad person,

and I hear people
talk about people --

"Oh, this person got out.

She didn't even go see her kid.

She got high."

It's almost worse to go see them

and then get high
and not go back

than it is
to just not go at all.

Take it from me --
I used to get so mad at my mom.

Why'd you even come?

Why'd you even come?

WOMAN: What do you got
to say for yourself?

You've got a house full of women

that were scared to death
for you last night.

You can't come back
to the house.

You know that, right?

Did you think I was
gonna let you back in?

- I didn't...

I didn't know.

WOMAN: You didn't know.
Okay. Alright.

So we know that's not
gonna happen today.

[ dog barks ]

JACINTA: My boyfriend wants me
to move in with him.

Lucky's place is a safe option
because he don't use drugs.

- What happened?

- What do you mean
what happened?

- To your pants?
You bought them like that?

We met a month or two
before she went to jail,

and we got along
right from the start,

but she still had drug issues.

I would be like, "I'm done,"

but I wouldn't follow
through with

the, "I'm done."

She really is a great person

with a bad habit.

Everybody, "Listen, man.

She's a Geisinger.

Get the fuck out of there."

Once you get involved
with that family,

their reputation is that of,

you're gonna get taken.

The odds are, you're probably
gonna be getting arrested,

going to jail, you know?

And they're looking
at you going, "What?"

JACINTA: My mother's family,

the Geisingers,

pretty much were just known
for...

chaos and crime.

Drug dealers know us.

Cops know us.

Everybody in Portland knows us.

MAN: Don't blame him.
MAN #2: I'm not blaming him.

I'm blaming you.

MAN: Blame him.

TODD: Jacinta's my sister,

and Rosemary is my mother.

EARNSHAW: What are
your charges usually?

Drugs, guns, and burglary.

I got taken away from my mom
when I was 11,

but I was always running away
from group homes or

escaping
from the youth center.

When I was on the run,
my mom was the one

that would
always come and get me,

and I would stay there with her.

My Nana gave my mom
this big floor screen TV,

and my mom had
the guts taken out --

that way, when you pushed
the TV against the wall,

it looks like a regular TV
'cause you can't see inside.

So whenever the cops
or probation would come,

I'd get inside the TV,

and they would push it
against the wall,

and I would just sit in there
and watch, like,

the youth center staff
or her probation officer

talk to her, look,
search the house for me,

and the whole time I'm
sitting there,

watching them through the TV.

It's pretty funny.

That's my niece, Caylynn,
my sister's daughter,

and my sister.

Jacinta lived mostly
with her father.

I don't know how old she was
when she actually really started

to go to live with my mom.

But she was just so...

innocent.

My mom started hanging out
with the bad guys,

who sold drugs and did drugs.

That's when Jacinta
started to get involved

in the things that she was doing
and started doing drugs and

doing all of the stuff that

me and my mom was doing.

I was 16 when I first started
smoking crack with my mother.

Jacinta...

she looked up to me.

She seen me doing it.

When Jacinta came into the youth
center she was really young.

You were there then,
when she came in.

Yeah.

Can you describe that day?

[ scoffs ] No.

Uh, it sucked.

Um...

I think it was --

One of the hardest things I did
was seeing her in there...

and knowing the things that
went on there with people.

And that's when I realized that
I really fucked her life up.

All's Jacinta wanted,
always, was my mother,

and all Caylynn wants
is Jacinta.

I mean, what kid don't
want their parent?

- My family's fucked.
They're twisted,

But hers is, like,
fucking pretzel twisted.

You don't even know.

How long have you
known Jacinta for?

Since she was a baby.

If her mother's out,

Jacinta will do anything
in the world for her mother.

Anything in the world.

Why is that, Jacinta?

What are you thinking?

You don't?
Or you do?

You don't, but you do.

- I do, but I don't.

JACINTA: I just don't know
how to explain it...

honestly.

It just make things okay.

It's like that...

best friend that
never talks back, you know?

PHIL: Why are you shaking honey?

Look at me.

Come here, baby.

Look at me.

You okay?

What am I gonna do with you?

[ sentimental music plays ]

♪♪

JACINTA: My mother --
she always dressed so fancy,

and her hair was always done,

and I love the way she spoke.

I just picked up on everything,

every mistake she made,

and I loved it.

I loved the way she drove a car.

I would sit in the back seat,

and you could see both of us
in the rear-view mirror.

I would forget
that my reflection

was there, as well,

and I would stare right at her.

When I would look at myself,

just in the mirror by myself,

I would literally see her.

I wanted to be like her,

not that I wanted
to pick up her mistakes,

but, if that's what it took,

I was going to do it.

[ indistinct chanting ]

[ music plays indistinctly ]

JOHN: Alright, Caylynn.

CAYLYNN: When I go
to cheer practice,

my personal issues
just kind of go away.

It's not a sport for me.

It's more of a getaway.

WANDA:
Jacinta was a cheerleader.

I think a lot of things
Jacinta told Caylynn

that she's like to do

have now become things that
Caylynn is obsessed with.

[ cheers and applause ]

JOHN: Caylynn was telling me,

"I haven't heard
from my mother."

We've actually, you know,
blamed it on the drugs,

and we just say that's what --

why she does
the things she does.

- We always have told her,

"She loves you more
than anything.

She just doesn't even know
how to love herself."

CAYLYNN: I really
just want my mom.

Why isn't she staying around?

I'm feeling like...

it was my fault.

Maybe if I had
been a different person

she would've stuck around
a little longer.

[ TV plays indistinctly ]

BILLIE: I don't know
how Jacinta really feels,

but I know doing drugs,
she's blocking it all out.

I know that's a fact.

From one addict to another,
that's a fact.

It'll block everything out.

- Oh, shit.

BILLIE: Me and Jacinta
went to Lewiston one day.

She was using,
and then I asked her,

"Hey, can I get some of that
from you? Fuck it."

I gave her $20
and got a shot off of her,

and ever since then,

I've started to use
with Jacinta.

- I got it stuck.
[ both laugh ]

BILLIE: Her daughter
called Shaun last night.

Her daughter is hurt,

and I've been in
that situation, too.

I've chosen drugs
over both my kids.

I can't say anything different.

Come on, Jacinta.

[ cellphone rings ]

Oh, that's her.

Hey, I'm in front of Old Navy.

Do you see me?

Did you run out?

No.

Never run.

Never run.

- Not bad.

What do you think?

- Fucking right.

EARNSHAW: How did you
learn to shoplift?

JACINTA: Watching my mom.

I've been watching her since
I was in the fucking carriage.

She used to use
my fucking stroller.

[ both laugh ]

I'm my mom's ride or die.

I might've been,
like, 14 years old.

My mom got pulled over.

She, like, gave me a look
that like,

I knew that
something was wrong,

like I needed to start
looking for something.

I grabbed those
2 ounces of coke,

and I stuck them down my pants,

and I got out of the car,
and the cop goes,

"I need you to stay
in the vehicle."

And I was like,
"I have a kidney disease.

I have to go to the bathroom,"

and I brought those
into the bathroom

on the main turnpike.

My mom got arrested,

and then she called
from the jail,

and I was like,
"Mom, I hid that stuff."

We went back and picked it up,
like, four hours later.

It was still there.

Mm-hmm.

BILLIE: That's a ride or die.
There you go.

I felt like I made my mom proud.

- Yeah, I could see that.

You probably did.

[ women shouting ]

ROSEMARY: Some of the things

they couldn't
prove me guilty of.

Stealing clothes.
Stealing food.

They're saying that's me.

And my lawyer says, what?

EARNSHAW: Is that you? No.

- [ chuckles ]

Well, that's what a jury
would say, too.

EARNSHAW: Well,
what's the truth?

Is that you? No.

- Is it? You tell me.

If you was the jury,
what would you say?

EARNSHAW: I mean,
it's hard to tell.

It looks...
- There you go.

You have to be 100% sure
on a jury.

[ chuckles ]

My dad was here
in prison before,

and he's always been in and out

of drinking and doing drugs.

It's kind of hard to talk about,
but I was, you know, molested

and -- by my dad.

I'm gonna get teary-eyed.

EARNSHAW: That's okay.

ROSEMARY: I can remember
my sisters trying to, like,

hide me in closets and stuff,
trying to protect me.

I can remember hearing
my father's car

pull up late at night,

and they'd run and, like,
put me under that bed.

I can remember, like, hearing --

rolling under the bed.

[ somber music plays ]

When Jacinta got molested,

this guy was babysitting
when we went bowling.

I seen the signs afterwards
'cause she was always crying,

didn't want me
to leave her there,

and she was screaming,
like, "No, mommy!

No, mommy! No, mommy!"

And I can picture now, like...

why'd I leave her there?

So I lived, like,
in a lot of shame and guilt

and, you know,
resentment all my life.

I feel like living in all that
you can never move forward.

AMANDA: Have you ever done any
meditation or relaxation or...

- Yeah, I've done all that,
but when I get in this space...

- I'm saying before
you get this far,

like, take some self --
some time.

- Like, I can't -- I don't know
what to do with the feelings,

with the emotions that
are going through --

- So scattered thoughts,
basically?

- Yeah.

- 'Cause when your brain's
like that,

you just need to calm it down.

You need to quiet it, right?

- It's weighing on my mind
about Jacinta, her using.

I know I can't control it.

AMANDA: Mm-hmm. Yep.

You just gotta remember
she's 27 years old.

The more you separate,

you know...

the better for both of you.

It's a hard life.

[ voice breaking ] I know.

[ sniffles ]

[ cellphone rings ]

- Hello?

OPERATOR: You have
a call from...

- Rosemary.
OPERATOR:...confined at

a Maine Department
of Corrections facility.

You can do this.

Do it for yourself honey,
do it for Cay, please.

Please just try it.

I don't want to be sick, Mom.

Okay, you won't be sick,
they put you right on Suboxone.

Please get over the sickness
and get into the rehab.

- I thought you just said
they wouldn't let me be sick.

Huh? They're not going
to let you get sick, Jacinta,

they're going to
put you in detox.

You're a perfect girl, Jacint.

I'm proud of the daughter I got.

Underneath all that mess
there's a beautiful girl.

But your daughter's
starving for your love.

You need to stop, Jacint.

If not you're going
to end up dead.

You're supposed to be with
your daughter, you're not there.

Your kid's going to
end up without a mother.

It's been four months
since I saw my daughter.

I don't want Caylynn
to see me when I'm using,

but I know she wants to see me,

and I want to see her.

JOHN: Caylynn, Milky Ways?

Caylynn, why don't you guys
pick up your candy?

- That's my mom.

WANDA: You're mama...

[ indistinct conversations ]

- Persistent, huh?

- Whose baby?

- It's my brother Shaun's baby.

JOHN: That's your brother
Shaun's baby?

- Where's Uncle Shaun?
- Hi.

JACINTA: He didn't come, baby.

- Mommy, how long
are you staying?

WANDA: You got to go to bed
really pretty quickly.

It's already your bedtime now.

I'm gonna let you stay for
a short amount of time, but...

JOHN: I don't even like candy.

I'm just eating it.
- No, it's only 7:30.

I don't have to go
to bed for awhile.

[ indistinct conversation ]

- I don't have to go to bed.

- Gotta get some pictures,
bubba.

[ chuckles ]

Here, take a couple pictures
with mama.

[ sentimental music plays ]

♪♪

♪♪

[ indistinct conversations ]

JOHN: What did you get?

Where's the cheese balls?

- I don't have any.

[ indistinct conversations ]

♪♪

JACINTA: What you
got there, bub?

This is my baby.

CAYLYNN: Who?
- Ba-bay.

CAYLYNN: What did you say?
- I said, "This is my baby."

CAYLYNN: Who?
- You.

- Oh.

- Look at that butt.

- Stop!

- Where did you get all that?

You got that from me.
[ chuckles ]

WANDA: You're going
to be going to bed like,

real, real soon.

CAYLYNN: Where are you going?

- Get ready for bed.
- No, Mommy.

- Listen, stand up.

[ bird caws ]

JACINTA: I'm just done.

I'm exhausted.

Caylynn is over it.

You can only tell them
you're sorry so many times.

It's not even guilt anymore.
It's not even shame anymore.

I don't know.

I don't know what it is.

I don't want to do this anymore.

Cold sweats, nausea,
legs, everything.

Where's Lucky?

EARNSHAW: He's in the kitchen.

JACINTA: He said
he wouldn't leave.

Oh, fuck!

She has

told me

to take her phone away

not let her get in
contact with anybody.

Don't let her leave.

Don't give her a ride.

Has she ever tried to
detox like this before?

Well, it starts and then

'Fuck this, fuck this!'

JACINTA: In detoxing,
your muscles cramp.

You're restless.

The body aches.

Your temperature
can't get right.

You're just in hell.

I can't fucking do this.

I need something
to knock me the fuck out.

Ugh, fuck.

[ water running ]
[ groans ]

Ow.

WOMAN: Hello? Jacint?

Jacint? Jacinta?

JACINTA: Hmm?

WOMAN: Please go to
the hospital for tonight.

Baby, please do it for me.

JACINTA: [ groans ]

Please, baby.

- Hello?

Yeah.
Lucky.

She's going to go.

She's gonna go?

She is.

Okay.

- I can't do this.

- Okay.

I need to get on the floor.
I need to get on the floor.

I need to get on the floor.
Please.

- How you doing?

- Don't touch me.

Let's go. Baby, let's go.
Please, please.

- 10 more minutes.

WOMAN: Do you want me
to pay for the methadone?

You want to go
to the methadone tomorrow?

Or you want to just keep going
straight like this?

'Cause I can't have you
go back, Jacinta.

I can't have you go back
to this stuff,

I don't want you to go back,
Jacinta.

[ voice breaking ] I can't.
I can't do this.

- Have we the pleasure
of addressing

Mr. Scrooge or Mr. Marley?

- It's no pleasure to me, sir,

to be addressed
by either of you.

- This is probably

the easiest detox
I've ever been through.

I'm through it, Mom.

I'm through it.

Are you proud of me?

I won't, Mom.

I won't.

LUCKY: She detoxed for 3 days.

Now she wants to go spend
quality time with her father.

Basically, she takes off.

Goes starts up again.

Those three days...

were for nothing.

[ somber music plays ]

♪♪

♪♪

SHAUN: I know how smart she is.

I know what she can accomplish.

She's way smarter than me,

but, you know, let's face it,

Lewiston-Auburn is not
a good place to kick a habit.

There's nothing good
in Lewiston.

Lewiston is an old mill town.

Drugs.

Jacinta knows everybody.

She knows everybody.

RICK: Where is she now?

She's been gone 40 minutes
with the truck.

I hate this life.
I fucking hate it.

EARNSHAW: When you heard
that she was detoxing,

did you believe
it was going to happen?

- No.

Nope.

No.

No.

[ dog whines ]

MAN: What's the matter?
MAN #2: Did anyone notice

we had a thunderstorm
last night?

WOMAN: Yeah, we were just
saying how much...

RICK: Christmas used
to be a big thing.

Presents --

There's always one
hidden in the tree

that she'd have to find, yeah.

10:30, 11:00,
then we'd go to bed.

Then she'd wake up
the next morning,

and all the trees be cut.

"Santa did come!
Santa did come!"

Yeah.

I don't know.

We had a lot of good times.

- Then it just became
money in an envelope.

[ laughs ]

"Merry Christmas, kid."
- That wasn't very nice.

That's right.
What am I supposed to do?

- Mm-hmm.

- I don't know what the
hell to buy you. Here,

money in the envelope,

That's -- That's well put.

That's what it is.

[ Mariah Carey's All I Want
For Christmas Is You plays ]

- Christmas.

CAREY: ♪ I ♪

♪ Don't want a lot
for Christmas ♪

♪ There is just
one thing I need ♪

- I'm so excited for Christmas.

JOHN: Yeah, we know.

- I'm just -- I'm just
in that spirit, you know?

I just love it.
It's full of joy.

WANDA: As long as you're good,
you know,

'cause Santa Claus don't
get bad kids anything.

- Santa Claus...

can climb up the chimney
and walk on out.

JOHN: That ain't
the Christmas spirit.

[ sentimental music plays ]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

RICH: No, I never expected
this to happen,

honestly, growing up.

♪♪

♪♪

Over time when Rosemary asked
to see Jacinta, to visit,

I took Jacinta there
to visit Rosemary,

and I'd pick her up.

You know...

she's got to see her mother.

You know, can't keep them apart.

Started going sour
when she was, what, 10 or 11.

She wanted to move in
with her mother,

and Rosemary really
wanted her back.

Somehow, some way,
it got to the point where...

Jacinta can make up
her own mind.

And I don't know
what the age is,

whether it's 13 or 14
in the state of Maine.

If they want to stay
with their,

you know, their mother,
they can,

if they want to stay
with their father, so

that would've been
another fight in court

basically.

And it was like, "Okay, Jacinta.

Give it a shot.
See what happens."

CAYLYNN: I had letters
from my mom

circling around my room.

I remember my grandmother
had told me --

the one that I live with...

She had told me,
"I know you're sad now,

and I know it doesn't feel good,
but once you're older,

you're not gonna be sad anymore.

You're gonna be mad,"
and I didn't believe her.

I was like, "I'm never gonna
be mad at my mom or dad."

Like, I was a little kid,
and I didn't understand it.

But, um...

And, um...I started
to get angry with them.

My mom hasn't called me
in, like, three months.

If you don't want to be
a part of my life,

don't be a part of it.

JACINTA: Caylynn said,
"I can't take this.

It's the same old song.
'I wish we could.

Maybe we could.
Could we maybe.'"

I said, "Cay, baby,
what are you talking about?

Tell me more, princess."

"It's so hard to love
someone like this,

caught in a blizzard,

but my heart can't take
another civil war."

- Holy fuck.

- "The only thing you say
you care about is me.

We both know it's money,
drugs, and Lucky,

who you say you love,
but you don't.

So, stop taking me in your --

stop taking me
in your twisted lies

because I don't need them."

WOMAN: Jacinta...

You got to do this, honey,

if it means going to the middle
of fucking nowhere...

to a treatment center, like...

- She just wants me
to leave her alone.

[ chuckles ]

JACINTA: Caylynn has told me
she doesn't want to talk to me,

stay out of her life.

My baby knows how to make
the right decision.

I'm proud of her.

I know that if she keeps
that skill in her life,

protecting herself,

she's always gonna
have peace at heart.

Have I made the choice
to get high

instead of see my child?

Yes.

But it's not where my heart
ever wanted to be.

[ TV plays indistinctly ]

LUCKY: Susan...

- Hi, baby.

LUCKY: Hi.

Want a hit?

- Lucky!

Lucky was the man that was
gonna protect me and...

pull me out of it,
you know what I mean?

The non-addict is way up here,
and the addict's down here,

and they reach up for somebody
for help,

and instead of them
pulling you up,

you pull them down.

Yeah, I feel like I don't even
got a choice anymore.

Like...

I have -- I have to get high.

Like...

it's just what my life is.

[ somber music plays ]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

See the amount of this?

EARNSHAW: Mm-hmm.

JACINTA: That's pure fentanyl.

It's just extremely powerful.

BILLIE: Jacinta's died before.

Her dad told me he brought her
back to life.

He slapped the shit out of her
a few times.

She came out of it.

CAYLYNN: People have
tried talking to her.

She's tried counseling.

She's tried rehab,
prison, sober house.

She got kicked out
of the sober house.

She stopped therapy on her own.

She's went back to jail
several times,

and I've tried to explain to her
over and over and over.

It ju-- It goes in one ear
and right out the other.

I just don't know
what she should do.

[ somber music plays ]

♪♪

[ inhales sharply ]

- All we can do is hope...

that it ends.

'Cause I really don't see...

I really don't see it ending.

Not unless something
drastic happened to her.

You know?

♪♪

I have a caller.

She believes a
truckload of males

is outside the
house and is going

to break in and hurt her family.

They're outside the house now.

Do you know if any of them
have any weapons on them?

Yeah, someone
said he had a knife.

So who's in the house right now?

My dad's there, my brother's
there, his wife is there,

and their two
children are there.

Is somebody on
their way there yet?

Yep, we have a couple
of officers on the way.

[ sirens wail ]

GAGNON: Jacinta heard
a pocket dial

where they were talking about

busting into her dad's house.

Jacinta wasn't there.

She called 911.

Turned out,
it was some local people

that are suspected
of being drug dealers.

Jacinta stole $60,000
worth of drugs.

These guys were looking
to harm her.

I got a call
from Jacinta's father.

He heard people were out
to do harm to her.

Rick had given me
the information about

the vehicle
that Jacinta was driving.

- He asked me,
"How much does she have?

What did she steal?"
I said, "I don't know.

Honestly, I don't know.

You know, I just know
that these people

are after her because
she ripped them off.

Why she ripped them off,
I don't know."

Mm-hmm. I said, "I hope you
get her before they get her."

♪♪

♪♪

Yeah, this is the room, yeah.

That's what they said.

[ door opens ]

Oh, fuck!

No, no, I didn't know
that was in there.

I didn't know that was in here.

I swear to God, I didn't
know that was in here.

I'm going to read
you your rights, okay?

Before you say anything else.

You have the absolute
right to remain silent.

Do you understand that? Huh?
- Yes.

Anything you say can be used
against you in a court of law.

Do you understand that?
- Yes.

But the good thing is, your bail
is probably going to be so high

you won't have to worry
about those guys killing you.

- Can you call my dad?
- OFFICER: Okay.

JACINTA: Please?
[ sniffles ]

Alright Rick, you're on
speaker with Jacinta.

Hello?

Hi Daddy.

I love you.

I love you.

Daddy...

What?

I'm scared.

There's a lot here.

Oh boy.

I hate that sickness.

If they give me a bail, are
you going to get me out?

Yeah, if they give you a bail.

Rick.

Rick.

Yeah?
- To be honest,

she's probably going
to be safer if you don't

bail her out at this point.

Well, okay I
understand that too.

Yeah you're
probably right, yeah.

Absolutely.

Daddy?

Right now, you know that's
probably the safest thing.

The best thing.

I will not leave your side.

But 'Cint, you've got to
stop somehow, some way.

What about Caylynn Daddy?

[ sobs ]

I don't know.

OFFICER: Nobody in this room's
gonna hurt you, okay?

You are not free to leave, okay?

We're here t-t-to take
control of this, okay?

You're going down
the rabbit hole,

and we want
to pull you back out.

Does that make sense?

Okay.

Can we get you
something to drink?

- I'm okay.

OFFICER: Huh?
- I'm okay.

OFFICER: You're okay? You sure?

- Yeah.

OFFICER: Okay.

So why do you think
you're in here?

- Um...

'Cause of all the drugs?

- Mm-hmm.

Where have you been living?

Kind of everywhere.

- Kind of everywhere.
Why?

'Cause I don't want
to use at my dad's.

- Mm-hmm.
And why is that?

Because he doesn't deserve it.

[ cicadas humming ]

RICK: Whoever did it,
whatever was said...

I know what I told Nick --

what the car was and stuff.
BILLIE: Mm-hmm.

- He asked me,
did I know where she was?

I said, "No."
- Exactly.

- Bottom line is,
she's still alive,

So...I mean, she could be dead.

BILLIE: Yeah.
- So...

- You were worried.
- I don't -- I don't care.

- You weren't ratting her out.
You were worried.

But I would.
- No, I wanted her pulled over,

is what I told him.

BILLIE: Oh, geez.

You knew she had
all that shit on her.

- I know she had it on her.

Seem like you're directing it
like I ratted her out,

and I didn't rat her out.

- In a way, you kinda did.
- That's your opinion.

- But, I mean, that's --
- That's you're opinion.

- You didn't rat -- Yeah,
but I'm saying to you,

you didn't rat her out
to get her in trouble.

You ratted out -- her out
because you were scared.

Why are you in here right now?

Why are you in the hospital?

- 'Cause I was detoxing and...

NURSE: Had a seizure.

She just was going through
a bad detox.

- They caught me with...

2 ounces of heroin
and an ounce of crack.

[ somber music plays ]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

EARNSHAW: Can you tell me...
how you got all of that?

- Yeah. I, um...

I saw a drug dealer
open his safe,

and I saw the combination.

EARNSHAW: And...

I literally walked a ledge

across a roof this big.

If I didn't -- If I didn't die
getting there,

I was gonna die doing the drugs.

I didn't care.

[ sighs ]

[ TV plays indistinctly ]

BILLIE: 479 people
are talking about this post

of her being arrested.

A lot of people wrote
some nasty comments.

"Addiction or not,
you have choices."

"What a surprise.

Another scum-sucking
lowlife loser."

RICH: Jacinta's in this
situation because of Rosemary.

Had she never started
or did any crack

with her daughter
or her sons...

they wouldn't be there.

This wouldn't have happened.

Absolutely.

- When Jacinta was 15,

Rosemary put her out
on the street to suck dick

so Rosemary didn't have to.

You didn't know that?
You didn't know that?

EARNSHAW:
She didn't tell me that.

- Every time she's out,
them two run together.

[ buzzer blares ]

[ door opens, closes ]

OFFICER: Control.
Elevator 1B up to three, please.

[ radio chirps, door unlocks ]

EARNSHAW: Were you prostituting
at 15?

Did your mom...

kind of push you out there
a little bit?

- I don't think my mom
meant to hurt me.

She didn't know any better.

I...admire...

[voice breaking] my mom.

She's...

the strongest,
most beautiful woman

I've ever met in my life.

She just...

She wasn't taught...

...how to mother.

[ sniffles ]

CAYLYNN: I'm very upset
with my mom.

I ain't talked to her.

When she tried to call,
I kept declining it,

but she sent me letters,

basically, apologizing.

I haven't done to Caylynn
what my mom has done to me,

but I've done certain things,

like not be there
when I should be,

but I love Caylynn enough

to protect her from me

and my lifestyle.

But I think if
Caylynn was my age

and resented me,
it would kill me,

because all I wanted to
do was what was right.

I chose

to follow my Mom.

I chose to

let her do the
things she was doing

because I just wanted

just wanted to be with her.

[ buzzer blares ]

RICH: Hello?

JACINTA: Hello.
RICH: Hey, honey.

JACINTA: [ voice breaking ]Hey, Daddy.

RICH: What's wrong?

JACINTA: My lawyer just came in.

His words were, "There's
no other way to put it,

but you're in a world of shit."

RICH: What the hell
does that mean?

JACINTA: It's a mandatory
minimum of 15 years.

RICH: 15?!

JACINTA: Yeah.

RICH: Oh, my God.

JACINTA: He's gonna
try to fight this

as much as he can.

RICH: [ sighing ] Oh.

LAWYER: Based on the quantity
of the drugs,

she was looking
at substantial prison time.

But I think all
the parties involved,

including the prosecution,

realized the environment
she grew up in.

She's become a product
of her environment.

Originally, my goal

was to get her into treatment
out of the area.

During this whole time, though,
Jacinta was also asking me

to get a plea offer,
get a plea offer.

She wants to plead guilty
and I can't talk her out of it.

She doesn't want to stay
at the county anymore.

- Okay.

She's looking at
a four-year mandatory minimum.

JUDGE: Well, you haven't
really had a chance

to kind of develop your best,
you know, defense

or your best, what we call,
mitigation, in terms of why,

what the sentence
should be for you.

I'm really asking you
to consider

delaying your plea

until next month.

Frankly, your story is
a complicated story,

and it will take some time
for Mr. Lovascio

to try to convince
the prosecutor.

- I'm just tired.

JUDGE: Okay.
- I'm just tired.

JUDGE: I understand.
- I'm ready to get it over with,

whatever it is.
JUDGE: Okay.

- I'm still okay
with pleading guilty.

JUDGE: Okay.

[ somber music plays ]

♪♪

- Three years, four years,
it doesn't matter to me.

Not like it's changing
a significant amount.

I just feel bad for my family.

Like, they're sitting there,
like...

Do you know what I mean?
To them, it seems like a lot.

Just ready to go,
move on, let it go.

It happened.

JUDGE: Sit down.

On April 13, 2017, in Lewiston,

that you did intentionally
and knowingly traffic

in what you knew and believed
to be a scheduled drug,

which was, in fact, heroin.

LAWYER: I think it's a matter

of getting out of jail
and over to the prison

where she feels she has
a chance to see her mother.

JUDGE: So, ma'am,
do you understand that charge?

- I do.
JUDGE: And how do you plea?

- Guilty.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

I'd rather be inside than...

using and outside.

Yep.

If God gave me the choice,

"Jacinta, you could do
10 years in prison,

or you could do 10 years
as an addict,"

I'd do 10 years in prison.

In the back of my mind,
I'm always in prison anyway.

Doesn't matter.

[ sighs ]

[ click ]

- You can hear the little click.

- Hi!

- Hey, chubby.

- I know!

- How you doing?
- You look good.

- I do?
- You look good.

Yeah.
- I look chubby.

- Yeah, yeah.
- Oh, well.

- I'd rather see you that way
than skinny.

- I know.

- Why didn't I bring
my glasses in?

- Did you want me
to read it to you?

- Yeah.
- Okay.

It says, "Hi, Mommy.
I miss you so, so much.

I just want to say,
no matter what happens,

I am always gonna love you,
even if you're three hours away,

and I know you probably
want me to say stuff,

but instead, I want to write you
a song that reminds me of you.

If I'm the sun, you're the moon.

If I'm the words,
then you're the tune.

There are times
my world is crumbling

and the rain is crashing down,

but everywhere you are,
the sun comes up.

Even when you're gone,
I feel you close.

You'll always be the one
I love the most.

P.S., don't forget to blow me
a kiss to the stars, mwah."

- Aww, that's beautiful.
- Look at how much I've read it.

Like, you can literally
see through --

-[ laughs ]

-It's ripping, but...

I keep it in my pocket
every day.

- Really?
- Yeah.

- [ chuckles ]
- Every day.

So, in the beginning,
I had nothing better to do

than to let you film me.

And then when I got out,

I convinced myself
that I could --

this could be a documentary

about a success story.

Then when I started using,
I figured this is part of it.

Like, this is part of recovery.

Like, it doesn't
have to end here.

Like, I wasn't gonna give up.

And being back now,

it's a little depressing.
[ chuckles ]

That doesn't have
to be where it ends.

[ indistinct conversations ]

I've been here 13 months clean.

I'm stronger.
I'm healthier.

But I'm not done.

I could not get out today
and go back to Lewiston.

I know that my addiction

is way stronger than I am.

My soul is still alive,

and my willpower is strong.

I just want this
to be the last time.

I feel like this place
has brainwashed me

into feeling like my mom and I
are unhealthy.

When I got here,

they wouldn't let us be
housed together.

We didn't see each other.

EARNSHAW: You said
something about feeling

like you were chasing your mom
through the system?

- It's kind of like...

taking the first...

sentence they give you,

thinking you're gonna
see your mom.

And then you get here,

and they ship her out --

the next day.

[ TV plays indistinctly ]

- High-risk factors
that lead to offense --

hanging around
some family members,

stop working my program,
unhealthy situation,

going to the mall
with intents to steal.

Those are all just
different things...

...that would lead me
up to relapsing.

I had to make that
before I left the prison.

Had you ever done
a crime like that?

Stolen from drug dealers?

- Oh, hell yeah.

If I was out when she did that,

I would've been with her.

100%.

I'd have been doing time
with her right now.

Don't get me wrong.
It don't make me feel good.

I just know where...

where we stand together.

We have such a bond

that it's unhealthy.

It really was,

and it really still is.

When I got the news my daughter
was coming to the prison,

she's supposed to come up
to the women's center

where I was at,

but they kept me
and Jacinta apart.

Are you gonna try to separate
a mother and a daughter?

Are you serious?

Christ, she was
at the top of the hill,

and I'm at the bottom
of the hill of the prison.

I'm yelling up to her.

What are you saying

- I love you.

That was enough to let her know

I'm still thinking about her,
and she'd yell down to me.

We get caught, it's a write-up,
class A write-up --

communication between
another inmate.

But how do we do it healthy?

'Cause I'm not gonna
give up on my daughter.

Mark my words.

Three years --
that's when Jacinta is out.

You think she ain't gonna
come running to me?

[ sentimental music plays ]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

TODD: At the end of the day,
it's not my mom's fault,

you know, how we turned out.

I think my mom is confused.

I mean, I don't doubt
that she loves us, no.

But I think
what she knows of love

and what love really is --

two different things.

I was loving people
the way that she loved me,

giving them drugs
or going out stealing with them

and getting them nice clothes
or nice things.

That's the love that I got
from my mother, and...

that's when I realized
that she loved us,

but in the wrong ways.

Love is when you...

love someone enough
to make changes for them.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

CAYLYNN: She's my mom,
and I want to believe

that she's gonna get better.

But she has a problem,

and it's gonna take more
than prison to get over it.

OPERATOR: You are
receiving a call from...

- Jacinta.

OPERATOR: An inmate in...

OPERATOR #2:Maine Correctional Center.

Hello

Hi baby!

CAYLYNN: Hi, Mom.

What are you doing?

Watching T.V.

Yeah?

Can I ask you a question?

Ask me anything you want.

So you had eleven
years, doing what you want.

When you get out of there,

can it be my turn?

To have what I want?

[ police radio chatter ]

WOMAN: The form of research
that's most commonly done

to understand this is
called ethnomethodology.

Ethnomethodology is a way
of studying the assumptions

people make about the behaviors
that they engage in.

Who or what might be an agent
of socialization?

Who taught you something

that you needed to know
for later in life?

Your mother,
our family, right?

Our family is a huge agent
of socialization for us.

No, it's not, or whatever.
Does that kind of make sense?

I know it's a little bit weird,
but...

JACINTA: My mother is always
gonna be amazing to me...

...as sick as people
see it to be.

I can accept my mother

and her addiction
and her incarcerations,

her mistakes.

I just don't have
to be involved.

It's been three years
since I saw my daughter.

I can't believe
three years has gone by.

[ indistinct conversations ]

ANNOUNCER: Jacinta Hunt.

[ indistinct conversations ]

- I remember when
my mom was in jail...

she used to be like,

"I can't wait to smell
your hair," and...

I used to think
she was crazy.

[ voice breaking ] And...

...that's exactly

the things I think about.

And I think all the time

about the day that she left,

and I just kept
telling her like,

"Caylynn, I'll always
come back for you.

I promise, I'll always
come back for you."

And it's, like...

the one promise
I should've kept good on.

I guess it's not
necessarily too late,

but it kind of is.

CAYLYNN: My mom
has explained to me

when she first held me

the emotions that
went through her.

Giving me up,

she probably felt like...

she knew that she wasn't ready.

So she needed to let go,

and it must have been hard,
but...

it was selfless,

but it was also selfish
because she let go

because she knew
she couldn't stop.

Her not being able to stop,
for me, was selfish,

but what was selfless
was knowing

that I'd be safe somewhere else.

And I am, so...

[ sniffles ]

Yeah.

- This is her first furlough.

First time of the times,
she's been in prison

ever her having a furlough.

If she decides to take off,
I got my taser.

Brrrr!

Taser her. [ chuckles ]

- Hi, Daddy.

- Boy, you ready?
- Yeah, I am ready.

- I'm not going.

[ laughter ]

And we'll see
you back here at...

- 5:00.
- Five o'clock.

[ sentimental music plays ]

♪♪

Ehhh! [ chuckles ]

I'm so excited!

Come on!

[ chuckles ]

Ahh, I can't wait!

CAYLYNN: Do I know you?

[ laughs ]

Come here!

Oh, my God!

I missed you!
- I stopped eating my --

I stopped eating my fries
for you.

- No, you didn't.
You would've come in if you did.

Look at you!
[ both laugh ]

I love you so much!

I love you.

- [ sobbing ] You can't cry
'cause then I'll cry.

- You're so beautiful!

♪♪

♪♪

I'm sorry it's been so long.

- It's okay.

♪♪

- I can't believe it's real.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

I didn't send Caylynn with Wanda

because I didn't love her.

♪♪

I sent Caylynn with Wanda
because I did.

♪♪

Contrary to popular belief,

it takes a good mother to know

when they can't do what's right.

♪♪

♪♪

[ radio plays indistinctly ]

♪♪

♪♪

[ chuckles ]

[ laughs ]

Just like that.

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