Original subtitles

Brian: Hi.

The question I get asked, more than any other by far is,

what's it like to work with So-and-So.

The answers are often interchangeable general compliments

that give little, if any information

about the actual experience.

What is it really like to work with Sylvester Stallone?

Arnold Schwarzenegger?

Steven Segal?

What is it like to work with JCVD?

The title for this movie could have been WILT WW.

What's it like to work with...

This movie isn't going to tell you.

It's going to show you my impression of what it's like

to be on the set with So-and-So.

We've combined traits of these action stars and

a few others into one fictional character.

The great Vardell Duseldorfer.

His friends simply call him VD.

Much of what you're about to see, I actually witnessed.

And as they say on TV, the names have been changed

so the guilty won't sue you.

And so, to my aforementioned muses, thank you.

Now, let's find out what it's like to work with So-and-So.

Tara: Welcome to Excess Hollywood!

Studio singers: ¶Excess Hollywood

Tara: Lots of dirt, no cleanup!

Tara: I'm your host, Tara Grey.

Tara: On the comeback trail, the great Vardell Duseldorfer.

Tara: His adoring fans who often

contract his uberlong name to VD,

some things defy explanation.

But one thing is for sure, his fans do love him.

First VD fan: I love VD.

Second VD fan: I've been a fan of VD for 17 years.

Third VD fan: Keep it comin', stay off the hook,

stay hot with the people, this how we do it!

Fourth VD fan: To have VD is to love VD.

I've been a VD fan for 52 years.

Ralek: You can say what you want about Vardell,

but he got where he is because of one reason.

He's the great VD.

Redheaded child: My momma told me that VD was a disease.

Video guy: Duseldorfer, number, number one!

Tara: The embarrassed ubernatorial has wandered

once again in front of a camera.

Uzbekistan apparently wishes to play host to VD,

and welcomes him with open arms,

if not a nice, warm petri dish.

Tara: What might the Uzbekis expect?

Well, let's hear from some stars

who've had some experience with VD.

Mr. Kove?

Martin: I don't kiss and tell.

Especially when it involves something as personal as VD.

Tara: I know, how about a Herculean quote

from Mr. Kevin Sorbo himself.

Kevin: Working and Duseldorfer.

It's kind of an oxymoron.

Or a moron disguised as an ox.

No, don't, don't use that one.

I got a better one.

Working with Duseldorfer.

It was sort of like juggling water.

You never really get the balls in the air

and you have to clean up afterwards.

Nice shot, Kevin.

Tara: Who would have thought that

the former bodybuilder's small...

Time in office would be punctuated a maid escapade.

Tara: I was just trying to show her

how to work off the large fold of fat the tummy bellyflap.

And it just slipped in!

Yeah it was accident!

And poof, it made a baby!

Vardell: Fuck you, Tara.

Tara: We can support his support of moms,

and public breastfeeding.

Tara: More public breastfeeding!

More public breastfeeding!

Tara: But what about his bill to get goldfish,

yes, goldfish in every home?

Vardell: Not the goldfish!

Tara: Goldfish propagation

reduces the greenhouse gases and helps the children relax!

Vardell: You made goldfish dirty.

Tara: The movie that made him go into politics

in the first place was that Fascist Time Machine

wreck that detonated more than his fragile career.

Vardell: That was the director's fault!

Tara: So can dysfunction be dysfunctional?

Has the expendable actor, yes, expendable actor

passed his expiration date?

It's not looking good for our hero.

Possible movie trailer voice.

Thank you.

Will our hero make it out alive?

Oooo, you think it's easy to make a movie?

You sit there in your thong and your

air conditioner and you judge me!

I'd like to see you crawl through mud.

Sweat, work 20 hours a day.

I tell you, Hard Time on Mars will make more

money than you can count to!

I show you!

I show you!!!

I show you.

I did not retire, I got extension.

Old, young, old, young.

Retired.

Not retired.

You!

Will direct.

I will direct.

Studio singers: ¶Excess Hollywood

Tara: Can our favorite rehabinator rekindle

his past and extend his career?

Will he "be back?"

Will Hard Time on Mars be the spark VD needs?

Or just hard time?

Should we wish the Uzbekistanis luck?

Or send them penicillin?

Only time will tell.

Intercom voice: VD 10 yards and closing.

Quiet on the set!

our director Vardell Dusel-dorfer

has come to join us.

Vardell: Thank you!

Thank you!

Action!

Unidentified man: Nicely done, thank you.

Thank you very much.

VD?

What?

What're you doin' sir?

We need more rock.

What?

We need more rock.

Where?

There.

VD, you know, we have

set decorators that do that.

I like set decorating.

Yes, sir, so what about the fight?

What about it?

Can we lock it?

Vardell: Lock?

Lock means that we're not gonna change it.

Can we lock it?

We're not going to change it?

I don't know, are we?

I don't know.

I don't either.

Why did you let him direct?

Burton: He wouldn't do the film otherwise.

This is nice.

This is fun!

Burton: Get him to talk about his dick.

It scares him I think, it makes him insecure.

Maybe he'll cover by heaving and getting back to work.

Dick.

Burton: Dick.

Dick.

Burton: Dick, yes.

Wow my dick hurts.

Really?

You want me to rub it for you?

Maybe later,

maybe after the fight scene?

Yes!

I'm thinkin' about it.

Wow.

So, VD, what about

the fight, can we lock it?

I don't know.

Maybe you should teach me part of it.

The first part?

Yeah!

Okay.

Mark!

Let's get that fight going on.

Yeah, where's my saber ha ha!

Mark: Freeze.

Sir Jeffrey, would you mind if I take over?

Sir Jeffrey: Yeah, actually I would enjoy that.

Mark: Great, we'll call you when you're up.

Sir Jeffrey: I'll be working on my lines.

Mark: I need you to use and trust

the length of your sword.

Use and trust the length of my sword.

Mark: Yes.

It's kind of like the force.

Mark: Yeah, the force.

Think about keeping your hand in your pocket.

Okay, in my pocket.

Mark: Yes.

Okay, I can do that.

I can handle that.

I think we need the girl.

Mark: What?

Yeah, the girl.

Mark: No, she's knocked out.

Yeah, but she can wake up.

Mark: No, she's not supposed to wake up yet, VD.

No, she wake up, but she want to come to my aid.

Mark: No.

And knocks herself out!

- Mark: No. - It would be very funny!

Mark: VD, we're running out of time.

Get me Louie.

Sir...

Mark: VD...

Page Louie.

I would like the girl, please.

Mark: VD?

I want the girl.

Mark: Get me Maria.

VD, your chef, Louie.

Louie, what were those strips of things we had?

Louie: When?

Last week.

Louie: What day?

Tuesday.

Louie: That was the chicken.

No, it was not the chicken.

Louie: Maybe it wasn't Tuesday?

Maybe.

Louie: Wednesday?

I don't know, it was the strips of things

with maybe the light pesto.

Louie: No, the pesto was on the chicken on Tuesday.

Calamari!

Louie: Yes, calamari!

But that was Thursday.

With a lemon herb and a sesame oil.

It was Thursday.

Louie: Yes, Thursday.

Well I will have two strips of calamari al dente.

Louie: Yes, sir.

VD, Maria.

Maria.

How are you?

Maria: Good, how are you?

I'm very good now that you are here.

We have decided to add you into the fight.

Maria: Do I get to punch you?

...no.

Maria: Kick you?

No.

Maria:.

But you do get to slap me in the face

with your fair and ample bosom.

Maria:...okay.

Maria: VD, you okay?

Umm...

Maria: What happened?

Sometimes I see things.

Maria: What did you see?

It was large and warm, and it felt really good.

Maria: So, you're okay.

Yeah!

Maria: Okay.

Okay.

You know we have to do the fight sometime today!

Yes?

Why don't you show us the second part

of the fight Mr. Choreographer?

Sir Jeffrey: You will never get me.

The crystals are mine.

You'll never get me!

The crystals are mine!

You'll never get me ha ha!

God.

A word, if I may.

Burton: Sir Jeffrey, of course.

Let me know what I can do for you.

Sir Jeffrey: You will never get me, the crystals are mine.

Does the previous sentence have a ring of familiarity to it?

Burton: Sort of.

Sir Jeffrey: Shall we call it by its real name?

Burton: What?

Sir Jeffrey: Cliche.

Do you want me saying cliches?

Burton: No.

Sir Jeffrey: What exactly was it about this script

that made you want to make this movie?

Why don't you re-title the film and call it, The Cliche?

Then it can be a comedy and I can laugh about it.

Burton: What do you want to say?

Sir Jeffrey: I want the words to not be plagarized.

I want them to have something to say that vaguely resembles

my character, who is fucking religious by the way.

"The crystals are mine," what the fuck is that?

What did you pay for this script?

Burton: One hundred.

Sir Jeffrey: Hmmmm, a 100,000 dollar cliche.

Mark: VD!

You may want to stand clear.

Mark: Jesus!

Wafting!

Sir Jeffrey: In his pants right now, there is more

original color and content than in your script.

Stay!

Stay.

Wow.

Maria?

Did you see the size of that guy's bulge?

European men put it pointed up to make it look bigger.

Maria: American men put it down to make it look bigger.

No, they don't, it looks bigger up!

Maria: No, American men point it down

to make it look bigger.

No, it looks bigger up.

Maria: Down.

Up.

Maria: Down.

Up. Maria: Down!

Up. Maria: Down!

Up. Maria: Down!

Stop talking about dick.

Maria: Are you the only one who's allowed

to talk about it, Mr. Director?

Well maybe I am!

Louie: VD, I have the calamari!

It looks fantastic!

It is not as good as last week!

No, VD, sir, umm...

Louie...

Louie?

V...Louie?

Burton: 10 minutes, we are taking break.

Why don't we just make a movie about break?

Sir Jeffrey: At least it wouldn't be a cliche.

You should have budgeted for some star wranglers.

Burton: They have those?

Sir Jeffrey: Yes.

Complete with ropes and cattle prods.

Burton: Do you have their number?

There, yeah.

Yo.

VD and friends: Aaahh!

I could not do this without you guys.

I love you.

You guys always be there for me!

I promise, I will always be there for you.

What's your name?

Okay, we start today with a prayer and some meditation.

A little prayer.

5 minutes.

Quiet.

HEY!!!!!

TURN OFF THE CELL PHONES AND THE WALKIES!

Turn off the cell phones and the walkies!

AND THE CELL PHONES AND THE WALKIES!

JESUS!

Burton: What is this meditation costing me?

Five, ten thousand?

Okay, we go to work.

Yes, maybe now we can make some movie!

Lay down, lay down, lay down.

Quickly.

Okay.

Is that beautiful?

Is that so nice?

Okay, so, you need to wake up, you're asleep, you're asleep.

Sleep.

You wake up.

Okay, now, you got to g--, we need something

for her to hit me with.

How 'bout, a...

Rubber chicken.

Yeah?

Rubber chicken?

That would be funny!

Or better, you know, there's a lot of rubber chickens.

What about...

I think this is it.

Turkey neck!

Yeah?

Whup, turkey neck!

Huuuh!

Yeah what do you think?

Props!

Do you have a turkey neck?

Prop guy: I've got this lizard thing.

It is a lizard.

Prop guy: Yeah.

Does your lizard speak?

Prop guy: Not in my experience.

On Mars, a rubber lizard.

Prop guy: This is a big beef thing.

Maybe you could try that.

Does it hurt?

Prop guy: Well, you try.

Thanks.

Hahahaha!

Prop guy: Go ahead.

You like?

Yeah, that's good!

That doesn't hurt at all.

Yeah, hey come here!

Is this good?

Yeah!

What else do you have?

Prop guy: A wooden leg?

A peg leg?

Prop guy: Yeah, it actually belonged to my uncle.

I don't know if it will...

Prop guy: Jeez.

It doesn't work.

Prop guy: No, that's not gonna work.

Step back here for a second.

Prop guy: Some crabs?

That is a space crab!

Prop guy: Those are hard to get rid of.

Yeah?

Prop guy: Yeah.

What, umm...

A little aluminum missile.

Prop guy: A little aluminum missile.

An itty bitty little aluminum missile.

Prop guy: A little bitty tiny aluminum missile.

What do you think?

Maria: It's funny.

Hit me on the head with it.

Hey...

Man, Mark, you have a very big package.

What is that, kielbasa?

Maria: Are we fighting, or talking dick?

I guess I do talk about dick a lot.

Can we kiss and make up?

Maria: I would like that.

Did she say lick, she would lick that?

Maria: Like.

I would lick that, too.

I lick it.

Alright everybody, that's five minutes.

Make it six!

Okay, make it six.

Maria!

Something's happening!

Cradle the balls, work the shaft.

Paint: Cradle the balls, work the shaft.

Cradle, more cradle.

Crewman in orange: I just had an inspiration

for a new crew T-shirt.

Paint: Sure.

Maria: It's been about five minutes, baby.

Are you okay?

What do stupid doctors know, anyway?

Do you think they could wait maybe five more minutes?

I don't want them to think I went too quickly.

And maybe you could mess your hair up a little?

Maria: Don't worry, we'll have fun on the set.

I promise.

Crewman in orange: Two pools, 20 dollars each.

One, we get a shot of anything today,

Two we don't get a shot all day.

Vladimir: That is whack.

I'm in.

Prop guy: No shot.

Sir Jeffrey would like to speak with his director,

do you have a minute for him?

Sir Jeffrey, of course.

This way, sir.

Of course for Sir Jeffrey, I always have time.

Sir Jeffrey: VD, structurally, they're

doing a rather strange thing.

They're having a sub-villain killed after the main villain.

A sub-villain.

I'm a bad guy on a submarine.

Sir Jeffrey: No, no we don't have a submarine in the movie.

We have rocket ships.

Yes!

Sir Jeffrey: My character is a main villain, so

anyone who would work for a main villain

would be a sub-villain.

A smaller bad guy?

Sir Jeffrey: Exactly!

So, why would you kill a little bad guy

after you've just killed the biggest bad guy?

Because, he's a bad guy and he has to die.

Sir Jeffrey: Yes, but um, killing of the big villain,

that's the climax of the movie.

Climax, like, orgasm.

Sir Jeffrey: Exactly, right!

Yes, so after the orgasm, do you have foreplay?

No.

I just, take a nap.

Sir Jeffrey: Right.

Because the movie's over.

Right, I never watch the credits.

Sir Jeffrey: So, why would you kill a little bad guy

after you've just killed the big bad guy?

Because he is a bad guy.

Sir Jeffrey: Yes, but you see, umm, killing

of the little bad guys is the foreplay that leads up

to killing of the big bad guy, which is the climax.

I don't understand.

Sir Jeffrey: Okay, umm...

Action-adventure movies are really like romance movies.

The romantic hero identifies the beautiful girl,

chases after her, romances her, finally gets to have her.

...Climax!

Action-adventure hero, identifies the bad guy,

chases after him after some close encounters ,

finally the bad guy's caught and killed, climax!

So you see it's, it's almost like a love story.

But, I don't love the villain.

Sir Jeffrey: Well no, of course, but , but you know,

you still wanna fuck him.

I do?

Sir Jeffrey: Yes.

Where?

In the butt?

Sir Jeffrey: No!

Well then they...

Or they...

69?

Sir Jeffrey: No, it was a metaphor!

A metaphor.

Sir Jeffrey: You don't know metaphor?

Comes before meta-five.

Sir Jeffrey: It doesn't come at all.

It doesn't?

Sir Jeffrey: No.

So Jeffrey, could you explain please,

but with the smaller words.

Sir Jeffrey: Look, as the script is now, it's as though

you get to fuck the beautiful girl that you'be been

chasing after the whole movie, then you climb off her,

go into the next room, and fuck her ugly sister!

Does that make any sense?

Yes!

Sir Jeffrey: Why?

Because, if you can fuck the sister, you should.

Sir Jeffrey: But, she's ugly.

It's not the face you fuck.

Sir Jeffrey: Do you know the expression pearls before swine?

Yes.

Sir Jeffrey: Do you know what it means?

Yeah.

Don't feed pigs pearls because they could

choke on them and die.

Sir Jeffrey: Exactly.

Right.

Call it.

Yes?

VD, the crew wants to present you with a cake.

They do?

For our director.

Hey cake for everybody!

ha ha!

Cake cake cake cake I like cake.

Crowd: Congratulations!

I don't know what to say, I'm, I'm really very moved.

I know that having a crew like you guys

makes my job all the much easier, you guys

are fantastic, and I hope that we can always

work together forever, forever, yes.

Please, VD, blow out your candles.

Thank you.

Thank you very much.

Well.

Help me, I'm blind!

I'm blind!

No, no, it's okay, it's okay.

I'm cake-blind!

VD, VD.

VD, it's whipped cream and it's actually pretty good.

Well get it off of me!

Burton: Alright,

YOU'RE ALL FIRED!!!

GET OFF MY SET, ALL OF YOU!

Right now, you fire them right now!

Burton: VD, it was practical joke!

Nobody was hurt.

Get off of my set!

All of you!

You're all fired!

You're fired right now brother, right now!

Burton: It's pie in face, it's part of show business.

Bullshit!

Fire them!

Burton: We have to finish the movie!

No!

GET OFF MY SET NOW ALL OF YOU!

Alright, that's enough.

Not yet, not yet.

Stay here!

Hey, you stupid FX motherfucker.

Who's pissing their panties now?

Hasta la vista, maybe.

You want a retake?

Eat my lead.

Vaya con dios, baby.

Hey, it's pretty funny, a man

all covered in whipped cream firing a shotgun.

Yeah, funny, let's laugh!

Funny pie in the face man, come on let's all laugh!

Yah, yah, is funny.

All we need is some maybe nice tits,

then we really have a show.

That is pretty good you stupid FX motherfucker

that doesn't even know the sound of his own blanks?

Yippee kay-yay motherfucker!

Doesn't even know the sound of his own blanks.

Yoke's on you, ha!

Rub yourself, rub your boobies on me.

I feel something.

It's working!

It's working!

Okay.

Well that was fun while it lasted.

let's go!

Okay, it's working, yes!

Sir Jeffrey: Sophocles heard it long ago on the Aegean,

and it brought into his mind the turbid ebb and flow

of human misery.

Sir Jeffrey: Down the vast edges and

naked shingles of the world.

S-Sue, I was in the warm.

I saw the warm.

Thank you, my little fish.

Alright, time to get back to work, bring me.

Touch-ups, after rehearsal.

Okay, at this point in the fight,

get rid of the swords.

We're going to grapple mano a mano, yeah?

Okay.

By now, Darkwing has managed to get me in a sleeper hold.

But the last minute, I will overpower him and

him on the ground.

Mark: VD, nobody can get out of a sleeper hold.

Bull shit.

I do it all the time.

Mark: You said you wanted the fight to be realistic?

Nobody can get out of a sleeper hold.

I do it all the time, Mark!

Mark: It's gonna knock you out.

Ha ha ha ha.

Put one on me, come on, give it your best shot, stuntman.

Mark: Listen, let's continue the fight?

Are you afraid of the great VD?

You think I don't know what I'm doing?

You think I got this way from being photographed?

My chi will overpower your chi

and that is what you are afraid of.

Bring it on, stuntman.

Put your best move on me now.

Mark: VD, it's gonna knock you out.

Bullshit, do it.

Mark: Get the medic.

Tell him he's gonna need to revive VD.

Ha ha ha ha.

Burton: What's happening here?

One minute, I am proving a point

to the bullshit stuntman.

Burton: Ha, okay.

Don't do anything until I say go.

Are you ready?

Mark: Ready.

Go!

Mark: One.

Two.

Mark: Three.

Four.

Five.

Six.

Seven.

Eight.

Nine.

Medic?

Crap he pissed himself.

Medic: His pulse is good.

Alright, alright.

Get wardrobe in here to change his pants.

Hey, look.

VD wakes up, and he finds out that we know that

he pissed his pants, we're gonna kiss off the whole day.

Best Boy: I thought that's what we're doing already.

Come on, come on, pants, fly it on in here!

Paint: He stuffs his pants?

Vladimir: That is whack.

Paint: Has somebody got a magnifying glass?

A tattoo.

He got his Johnny tattooed.

Ivan: Man, what that would feel like.

Jam: No, no that's a rumor, man.

I don't believe that.

No.

Tattoo artist: It's definitely not a rumor.

Tattoo assistant: This is what he wanted.

Tattoo artist: It took about 2000 pricks on his porksword.

Patrick: On the tip of his...

Craig: His manhood?

Patrick: His manhood.

Craig: I hope he told you that.

I hope you did not...

Patrick: No!

I saw it.

He had a, he had a tattoo of like eagle's wings or

a talon going over the tip.

Craig: How did how did you happen to see it?

What was the circumstance?

Patrick: No, he just decided to show it to me.

Craig: So you kept your trousers up.

Patrick: I kept mine up.

Craig: He just, he gave you a quick visual,

and that was that.

Paint: Red talons on the left and blue talons on the right.

It's like, an eagle.

Very patriotic.

Ivan: Maybe he's wanting to fly.

Paint: No, I think if he wanted to fly it would be wings.

Get the pants on him, okay!

Mark!

Lay down next to VD.

We got a movie to make here, now.

When the medic hits VD with the smelling salts, okay,

I want you to roll over, like he's just

flipped you over his back and onto the floor, okay?

Hey look, with any luck, he'll believe this, too.

Alright, the rest of you.

When VD wakes up, all I want to hear is cheering.

Congratulations, hey you were great,

hey you're the best guy in the world,

Hey bullshit, blah blah blah blah blah.

Okay?

Alright.

You ready?

Mark: Yeah.

, action.

I tell you, you bullshit stuntman,

now you have met the great VD.

Who is the one with the, embarrass now, man?

Is it you?

Ho ho ho ho.

Mark: Yeah, VD, me.

Something smells like shit.

What, did somebody step on a barking spider?

General, please stop wafting in my direction.

When did I remember to forget to tie my shoes?

I have a great idea for the fight.

Um, the great VD is going to fly in the movie

like House of Frying Dragons.

Yes!

House of Frying Dragons, we're going to fly me.

VD, why would your character fly?

Cuz he is a spaceman.

Yes, but House of Frying Dragons was a fantasy.

Yeah, life is a fantasy.

Like Peter Pan.

Never grow up!

Never grow up, no way not sir, no not me!

I just thought of something.

What?

The first time i had jellybeans.

Louie!

Get me some jellybeans and take out all the yellow ones!

Louie: Jellybeans are on their way, captain.

Aye, aye!

Alright, back to work.

in here.

Paint: The design had to come from somewhere,

even if it was just his subconsious.

It's like a, that makes it even better,

a direct snapshot into his inner psyche.

I think he has color issues, what's the whole thing

with getting all the yellow jellybeans taken out?

Maybe he does not like lemon.

Paint: No, I think he has color issues.

I think that's least of issues.

Paint: Well, that may be.

What happened to you?

You used to be my best friend.

Johnny doesn't come out and play anymore.

That's better.

Hi, girls.

Look, she has a bottom like a little boy's.

¶ Space Cowboy by Matt Long

I love you.

10, no 15 minutes.

Then they will respect me!

Somebody needs to cum.

Woman in pink bra: Let me.

Are you recording this?

Soundman: Maybe.

The rockets are falling!

The rockets are falling!

That's a wrap!

Burton: I had to work with VD.

I am idiot!

schmuck!

We have to be out of here by midnight.

We still have three days' work left.

Emily, get him out of his trailer.

Do whatever it takes.

Just pretend that you're at the beach!

Emily: I want speak, to Mr. VD.

The great VD.

Ray: I made it work.

I've got VD's lines in this script.

And it works.

Burton: Okay.

We have to cut 10 more pages.

Ray: 10 pages?

Burton: Yes, yes.

Ray: Okay.

Is that enough?

Wait that's only seven?

Does that work for you?

Burton: Ray.

No no no, Ray, that's not what I mean.

What if the bad guy falls to his death?

Trips and falls.

Ray: By, by himself?

Burton: Yes.

It, it's logical, people trip and fall all the time.

Ray: No final fight scene, no dialog, no, no, no swords?

Burton: No, no.

Just trips, and falls.

Like life.

Life!

Ray: Well why don't we just have them kiss and make up?

They could walk out holding hands.

I'm sorry, I didn't mean to rape and kill your sister,

it was an accident.

That's okay because I live my life out of love now

and I want you to know that I love you too.

I forgive you!

Burton: Okay.

Ray: The bad guy and our hero could become the

poster children for anger management.

If we can make it work, you can, too!

Burton: Okay, I get point.

Ray: Burton, thanks for the job, really.

But I'm done.

I wish you luck.

Goodbye.

Yah!

Hewwo.

Ivan: I'm almost feeling sorry

for cards dealting to Burton.

He put everything to this picture.

Paint: Yeah, what an idiot.

Ivan: Well, VD's pictures still make money.

Paint: Not in America.

Did you know that his name, VD, in America is actually

a sexually transmitted disease?

Ivan: Really?

Paint: Yeah.

Yeah, yeah I think it's how you say it in Europe,

the whole W,V, Wagner, Vagner...

Ivan: Wagner, Vagner.

Paint: Yeah.

Yeah.

You know Emily, last time you were very angry with me.

I sent you flowers, chocolates, candy, wine.

And I even wrote you a poem and you did not respond to me

and it's my dying wish that I have the key to your heart.

I do not have the key, I cannot find the key.

And I just, I, I love you, Emily and I, I want your love.

Emily: You want see my...

Tits?

Yes.

Emily: Then you go set!

Work!

Yes.

Emily: No picture.

Emily, you know I have to have a picture.

Emily: No.

I'm kind of sleepy now, I have to,

I think I have to take a nap.

Whoa.

Emily: Wait!

She'll be back.

Burton: Emily?

What happened?

Emily: I am virgin.

Burton: He doesn't want your virginity.

Emily: He wants take picture.

Burton: Cover your face.

Emily: No!

Burton: 1,000 Euro!

2,000!

Emily: Two?

Thousand Euro?

Burton: Yes.

Emily: 3,000 Euro me, 3,000 more my family.

Emily.

Emily.

You are so beautiful.

No flower or the things that pop up out of the ground

in the spring can equal your beauty.

I, I love you.

I do.

Thank you Emily, at last my mirror is complete.

You will never forget this.

Emily: You come!

Almost, almost.

Am I such a bad boy?

My mommy, she breastfed me, I love breasts.

There is nothing in the world that

a good breast suck can't cure.

Am I such a bad boy?

Okay, umm, checklist.

Let's take it from where Maria doinks me on the head

with the little aluminum missile.

Maria: You know, maybe instead of hitting you,

I could help you.

What are you going to do if a woman doesn't have a gun?

You going to, blow kisses at him?

Maybe you beat him up with your batting of the eyelashes?

Is that what it is?

You know, I get great idea for your character

and you want to change it?

Is that it?

You want to be the director?

Is that it?

Maria: Sure, yeah this will be fun, yeah!

We bring in all the helpless girls and the great VD

can come and rescue them.

What are you doing?

Maria: Directing.

You, get off my set, stupido!

Get out of here!

You are stupido!

If only implants were brains, then you could be Einstein.

And then, you could direct.

Yes?

Get off my set!

I fire you!

Women!

Ivan: It's still hard to believe they're

not getting bad boy clause.

Paint: Unbelievable with his reputation.

And!

I hear he gets to choose his own call time.

Ivan: Who you have to fuck, choosing own call time?

Paint: Producer.

Ivan: No no no no, I mean in life?

Being dealting these cards?

Paint: That'd be the dealer, the dealer.

Yeah.

Ivan: The dealer, the dealer, the fucking dealer.

Paint: The fucking dealer.

Burton: VD I'm sorry, we cannot fly you,

we just don't have the time.

Mr Producer, you will make the time.

Burton: No no no no, we must shoot the fight scene as is.

As fight choreographer, you shoot the fight

the way I say it is in my contract.

Burton: You are the director and

the fight choreographer, but you aren't the set designer.

As the fight choreographer, the next part of the fight

is in the air, is what I say, you cheap Euro producer!

Burton: Hey!

You can't spend 5 Euro on a stunt?

I'll tell you what, you take this,

you go hock it for 10 Euro, and you build us a fucking set!

What is this piece of shit?

What is it, cardboard?

No, it's paper.

You give me 5,000,000 Euro, yeah?

You tell me this is 10,000,000 Euro movie.

Where's the other 5,000,00?

What did this cost?

One Euro?

I show you what I think of your set?

Precious set, I love you.

Shit shit shit!

My toe, get away from me!

Get away from me.

Finished...set...I am not finished!

Take that you stupid set!

I showing you, you fucking set!

Ha ha ha ha.

Shit.

I think I am stuck.

Hello?

Where's my grippers?

Where's my grippers?

Vladimir: That is whack.

I'm over here you know, hey, like hey!

Hey, I'm over here.

In here, hello?

I'm in the rock!

Video, come on,

Help me.

Excuse me?

What's happening out there?

Da, except I don't speak Russian!

I know you want to help.

Keep the producer away from me.

Keep him away from my butt.

Sir Jeffrey: Harry, are you awake?

I had to call and let you know that he's stoned,

he's drunk, he's high, he's wielding a knife,

I could get killed right now, he's so psycho.

He's just rammed his head into a fiberglass rock.

That's better!

Paint: Can I say it?

Ivan: No, is...no. Paint: I'm going to.

Ivan: Okay, go ahead.

Paint: Dickhead!

Soundman: Shouldn't you be out there giving him a hand?

Sir Jeffrey: So you're sending me back to the hotel

until you have ironclad assurances that I do not

have to do battle with um, a person

who is on drugs and alcohol.

Sir Jeffrey: Harry, wake up Harry.

Come on.

You have no idea!

There's a psychopath on the loose wielding lethal weapons.

You're supposed to be my agent,

standing in front of me and protecting me.

Sir Jeffrey: Here you are, off in America,

in a nice warm bed, and here I'm on a set with a psycho!

Hello?

Hello?

Sir Jeffrey: You voiceless, lawless, neutered coward.

Take that, you stupid rock!

Take that you stupid shit.

Burton: Hey, VD!

I've spoken to special effects, we're going to fly you.

I like the idea, it will give extra...

Now you like the idea?

Burton: Visual interest to...

You will be very happy that you have flown the great VD.

Sir Jeffrey!

Hey, let's run lines.

Leave us alone, we are rehearsing!

Emily: What he's doing?

Okay, you have the first line.

Sir Jeffrey: The crystals are mine.

The crystals are for the people.

Sir Jeffrey: The people are ignorant peasants.

They'll just piss away their money on tithes and beer.

I represent the people's beer.

Sir Jeffrey: Are you really going to say that?

I wrote that, I think it's funny.

Sir Jeffrey: There's beer on Mars?

There is now.

Sir Jeffrey: Why are you doing that with your voice?

I heard that when a director does that

it makes his voice low and gravelly.

Sir Jeffrey: Yes, but naturally your voice has

so much more color in it.

My voice has color?

Sir Jeffrey: In real life, you're so animated.

But when you act, you stick your voice down in one note.

I do?

Sir Jeffrey: Yes.

Why would you do that?

Because it sounds cool.

Sir Jeffrey: Yes, for a minute.

But you know, when you go to a concert, don't you want

to hear all the instruments, not just the tuba?

A tube of what?

Toothpaste?

Sir Jeffrey: Come on you know it's like, big brass horn?

Got a big bell on it?

The tuba!

Bom bom bom bom bom bom.

I lick the tuba!

Oops.

I said lick, so I have to, sorry.

Ha hahaha!

Sir Jeffrey: Do chicks dig that?

They go crazy.

Sir Jeffrey: Boy, you've had some breaks, haven't you?

A little luck has hit me on the head.

Among other things.

Sir Jeffrey: Is it true that you went down on

all those chicks in front of everyone at your birthday?

Of course.

Sir Jeffrey: Aren't you afraid of contracting something?

I never get sick.

Life, is the disease, and I am the cure!

Is your microphone on?

Disconnect the cable, I once knew a sound guy

who played me a tape once of crews, you know,

going at it in his trailer.

You know what he says when he's cumming?

Sir Jeffrey: What?

Crew: Awwww!

No mommy, no!

That's fucked up!

Sir Jeffrey: Quite.

You must now swear to me that you will never

tell a single soul what I'm about to tell you,

or I will hunt you down and kill you.

Sir Jeffrey: You have my solemn word as a gentleman.

Okay.

I will now tell you something about the great VD.

No one fucks the great VD.

You give me one pile of shit

I will give you 100 piles of shit.

Burton, he told me that we were making a 10,000,000 Euro

movie, he gives me 5,000,000 Euro, right?

What does he spend on this set, like 10 Euro?

This set will look like shit, I will look like shit.

I don't want them to release this movie.

Burton is out there right now eating his shit

and I am salting it.

As long as I do what I am doing, I am free

to leave here at midnight tonight.

Pretty brilliant?

Sir Jeffrey: But no one will ever

want to work with you again.

Bullshit, I got a three-picture deal waiting,

I could do a television series.

Sir Jeffrey: Really?

My aching vagina!

What's the matter?

Sir Jeffrey: Can I tell you a secret that if you tell

anyone else I get to kill you?

You have my word as a gentleman.

Sir Jeffrey: Your film is the only job I've been offered

in the last two years.

This job saved my house.

What?!

That is bullshit, fire your agent!

You are the best actor!

Sir Jeffrey: VD, there are a million good actors,

but very few stars.

You are a star.

I am just an actor.

Ha ha no, you are a star.

Sir Jeffrey: A minor twinkler, perhaps.

Only a few stars rise.

And you have got yours a long way up there.

Yeah my star did go up a little ways.

Yours could, too!

Sir Jeffrey: You know how when you meet some people,

you just want to rush up and hug them?

There's something about them you just

want to hold close to you?

And then there are other people who give you the creeps.

Okay.

Sir Jeffrey: You have this boyish quality about you.

It's adorable.

I am one of those people who give others the creeps.

No!

Sir Jeffrey: Who's playing the villain in the movie?

Who?

You.

Sir Jeffrey: Was that an accident?

No.

Sir Jeffrey: And it's okay.

Do I look sad?

It's been a great living, most of the time.

Do you want to get out of here?

Do you want to get out of this stinking set?

Sir Jeffrey: I want to go home.

I want to hold my children.

Then the great VD will fire you, too.

Let's do it on the set with more people around.

Maria wanted an audience.

Sir Jeffrey: She wanted you to fire her?

Yes she has to leave tomorrow and wanted to go shopping.

Sir Jeffrey: Really?

Yes.

She's going to buy me a present!

Sir Jeffrey: VD, that was great acting!

Really?

Well, thank you Sir Jeffrey.

Think of some really horrible things to say

about me, it will be all the more fun.

Sir Jeffrey: I think I could muster

a few things for the occasion.

I finally get to do some acting.

Yes, yes a performance is in order!

It's going to be fun, yes?

Sir Jeffrey: Yes!

Good!

Sir Jeffrey: VD, what a brilliant surprise.

It's been fun working with you.

Well not everyone has said that about me.

Thank you.

You see, I want to hug you.

Burton: I told you he hits for other team.

Emily: Baseball?

See you on the set, Sir Jeffrey.

Sir Jeffrey: You know what your problem is?

No one says no to you anymore.

When was the last time anyone said no to you?

When was the last time you said no to yourself?

What are you talking about?

Sir Jeffrey: What is a man if his chief good and

market of his time be to sleep and feed.

A beast no more.

The best part of you is not being fed.

Why not?

Sir Jeffrey: Because you've locked it away from yourself

and from everyone else with bars of coke and drugs.

It's not bars, it's lines.

Sir Jeffrey: Whatever!

It's drugs.

It's killing your discipline.

And you being a star, it's killing the discipline

of everyone around you.

You have too much power.

And everyone is afraid of losing favor with you,

or you're going to use your power against them.

Everyone is afraid to say no to you, but

all they have to do is just say no.

You want to say no to me?

Sir Jeffrey: Yes, everyone should say no to you.

Because you are an addict, and you belong in rehab.

You say no to me?

Sir Jeffrey: Yes, I say no to you.

You want to say no to me?

Sir Jeffrey: Yes.

You say no?

Sir Jeffrey: Yes.

No or yes?

Sir Jeffrey: I say no to you, and everyone else

should say no to you as well!

You want to say no to the great VD.

Ha ha, well, man of flowery words, then you are stupid.

Because no one says no to the great VD, especially

when VD is the director!

So I fire you!

Get off my set!

Sir Jeffrey: You think having to leave your

little playground here, your sandbox, is punishment?

Hey, don't let the door hit your

flowery dick on the way out.

Sir Jeffrey: You're not a hero, VD.

You're a movie star.

An icon.

That is not as substantial or deep as the

film your image is recorded on.

A vapid photon, glittering for an ignorant audience.

I pity, really pity your fans.

I wish they knew what an appalling effort it takes

to get your facade ready to be photographed.

A photograph of a facade that moves.

That is how I shall remember you.

You cannot hear my no, but you will hear the no

that life delivers you.

VD, you are the disease.

And you, and you alone are the cure.

I am the disease and I am the cure.

That was my line, he changed it.

He was joking.

Joke's on you.

Burton: VD, where are you going?

I'll be back.

Burton: We have to finish the movie.

People are supposed to say no to me,

you wanna say no to me?

Burton: Okay, umm, no, no!

You cannot leave set.

Fuck you.

Soundman:

You want to say no?

To me?

To the great VD?

You should say no to me.

What, did I get some on my face?

Burton: What, what, what are you doing?

My dick says no to me.

My dick says no to me.

Burton: Stop this!

Stop it!

Who is it?

Maria.

Maria: Hi.

Hi baby.

What are you doing here?

Maria: Well I wanted to get you something to remember me by.

Thank you, Maria.

I didn't think maybe you were gonna actually

go shopping for me.

What is it?

Maria: Well open it.

You didn't get this at a store.

Maria: No, I didn't.

Props had an extra one.

You like?

Awwww.

I love you.

Maria: Awww, honey you know it's not love, it's location.

I know.

But it's still sad to see you go anyway.

Maria: Aww, it was fun.

Yeah.

Maria: Bye.

Have fun.

I'll miss your tuckus.

Maria: I'll miss yours too.

Maria.

VD, I need you to focus, are you ready?

I was born ready.

Today is a good day to fly.

Today is a good day to fly.

Alright, here we go.

On three, two, one.

Look I am Superman!

Ho ho!

And once again, I have saved New York for the 47th time.

Wooo!

And I go woooooo....

That's a nice rocket.

Director.

Director.

Now do I look like a fish?

Am I the fish?

Woo!

And now, I'm Super, not yet I'm not Superman.

We got hung behind the rocket.

Okay.

Ivan: You think they can keep hoisting him

right out of building?

Paint: I think they have something

even better than even that planned.

Woo!

Whoa!

That was a little bit too fast there, Mark.

I'm a-spinning like that little thing with the horses,

the round one.

I, I think the balance is off.

I'm a-stuck-ed here.

Let's take me down.

Mark: Hey, yeah we're on it VD.

Bring it down!

It's uncomfortable.

I don't, I don't feel so good.

I feel all sweaty.

I told Louie I did not want the fish.

Mark: VD are you all right?

Okay I think I'm , I feel better actually I'm Okay.

But get me down.

God.

I don't feel so good.

God, my arm hurts, GET ME DOWN!

My arm!

Can we get him down?

VD, VD, here.

VD, talk to me.

Talk to me.

Mark: Get in here, come on come on come on!

Ivan: That was a puke smell.

Paint: I think I know what it is.

Ivan: What?

Paint: The the tattoo, the talons.

Ivan: Yeah?

Paint: I think it's a straight shot into his

subconscious, he knows.

Ivan: What?

Paint: He knows that he is controlled by his dick.

And his dick is controlled by some winged thing

in the sky that he has no control over, some

winged, whimsical beast that has pulled him

and yanked him and the talons are deep into his flesh,

and he can't control it, and it's like he's

telling his dick that he knows.

It's a concession of sorts.

He's conceding to his dick.

Ivan: He was blown out of his mind and

probably picked the wrong picture.

Paint: No, he knows.

It's a recognition of your own faults.

You know it actually takes a lot of, he may

have more insight than we think.

You know, God damn, the tattoo, I like it.

Son of a bitch knows!

He knows!

Mark: Can I get a gurney in here, please?

Medic: Let's go, move it in.

Here we go, here we go.

Get him off, get him off.

Let's go, let's go let's go!

Mark: How 'bout some help, Ivan!

Mark: We got it.

Medic: Clear!

Ivan: Do you believe in karma?

Paint: Well, yeah, but it's not often you get to see

the big wheel go all the way around in one lifetime.

Ivan: I know you're liking his tattoo, but

he shits on everybody.

His wife, his children, he probably shits on his own dog.

Burton: Hey, don't wrap up!

This is not a wrap!

We will shoot the scene with doubles.

Not today!

Burton: No no no!

Get his body off of here!

We are going to shoot the scene with...

Sue: No!

Paint: Now she says no.

Sue: NO!

NO!!!

What happen-ed?

I was, I was Peter Pan, and I was doing the flying,

and I saw Neverland, and Tinkerbell was calling,

and there was the fippy-fippy thing.

God my mouth tastes like shit, could I have some water?

Louie: Water!

Mark: Louie's supplying it.

Medic: VD please, just lay back down.

Thank you.

Medic: We gotta get you to the hospital.

What?

Medic: We gotta get you to the hospital.

We have a movie to make!

Medic: VD, you just had a heart attack!

What?!

Medic: You had a heart attack.

That is bullshit.

Whoa.

Sue?

Sue!

Okay.

Alright.

Alright, to the trailer!

Burton: VD, we must get this shot!

Medic: Does he listen to anybody?

No.

It's working!

¶1812 Overture by Tchaikovsky

Burton: Starring in the next movie

that I make, Salma Hayek.

Salma: Adios!

Burton: Salma, call me!

Burton: Yes, Mr. Duseldorfer directed much

of what you will see tonight, plus

he will direct the sequel, Hardest Time on Mars.

Starting next month.

Emily: He is a natural.

Behind and in front,

News 6 reporter: Vardell, Vardell!

Rude reporter: VD, tell us about rehab.

Paparazzi woman: VD, are you single?

You stay up all night thinking of that questions,

you you you you, you go to many colleges,

to think up questions like that to ask in front

of a man with a wife and a family?

I tell you this, we make movies.

Yes.

Man in crowd: You make great ones, Vardell!

You, you you you make opinions, which is like

that, that that joke, that everyone has one of

You use that to make a questions, too?

I tell you this, Mr. Reporter, your words

they will be read for a few day, Hard Time on Mars

will be watched forever!

I thought one of you geniuses would

ask me about rehab, so I prepared a little answer.

I tell you this.

Re, re, re-rehab, it's a little embarrassing but

like pie in the face, it's a part of show business!

Ha ha!

Burton: All part of show business!

Sir Jeffrey, stick with me, we just became

the photo op of the week.

Sir Jeffrey:!

You think I left rehab three times to get high?

Every time it made the front page!

Tell your lazy ass agent to send me a thank you.

Are you ready to do this?

Sir Jeffrey: Yes, all right.

Okay.

Ready?

Three, two, one.

Sir Jeffrey: There you are.

That's how we did Hard Time on Mars.

Hard Time on Mars!

¶ Hard Time on Mars by Gooding and Brian Thompson¶

Burton: VD, it's pie in face, it's part of show business.

It's pie in face, it's part of show business.

I , I don't know what to say I'm...

I'm really very moved.

Ian: The Greek salad olives and tomatoes.

Ian: Boss says you should come wit' us.

Ian: Hey Poncho, suck on this.

Hey you come to my restaurant, I get the best domates,

tzatziki, salad, you come with me, come on.