Original subtitles

♪ The Great North, here we live, oh, oh ♪

♪ Here we'll stay, oh, whoo ♪

♪ From longest night to longest day ♪

♪ In the Great North. ♪

(cheering)

WOLF: I guess this is goodbye.

I'll always love you, Honeybee. Always.

Wolf, it's just a quick trip to Fresno.

But I'll love you forever, too, and I'll say your name

whenever I look up at the stars, and I'll see you in two days.

I wish I could come with you, but Dad and I

have some emergency maintenance to do on the boat.

The sonar is being a bo-nar.

And I'd love to help, but you know Jerry and I

have never missed my parents' annual Halloween party.

-Not once. -I get it.

It's your favorite holiday.

And you're my favorite husband.

I know there's literally no competition,

but thank you so much for saying that.

Mwah.

Santiago.

-Mind if I join you? -Not at all.

I'm headed to San Diego.

My mother escaped from her assisted living facility.

I'm so sorry. I hope you find her.

Oh, no. The facility is here.

I'm leaving town so I won't run into her.

Well, I'm headed to Fresno with my brother

for my family's Halloween party tonight.

It's a huge bash. Everyone in Fresno comes.

Even the mayor. He's awful, but he comes.

Me and Jerry wouldn't miss it for the world.

CLERK: Attention, everyone.

There's a major storm offshore.

All outbound planes are now grounded

-for the next 24 hours. -(gasps) Oh, no.

Hey. Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

Uh, sorry to bother you, but I got to get home.

Is there any flight out of here that I can take?

Nothing I can do, sweetie. I don't control the weather.

(whispers): The birds do.

-Okay. -(phone rings)

-Jerry. -Hey, Honeybee, I...

I was just about to call you. Our flight is canceled.

All flights are canceled. Are you here?

No, I hadn't left yet. Dang.

I guess I won't come now. I'll just go back to playing

Halloween Simulator on the computer.

Bye, Honeybee.

(sighs) Poor Jerry. He sounded so upset.

I, too, am bummed out.

I've been practicing my drink cart order all morning.

"Water with ice, please." And now for nothing.

Good morning, Ham. Ready to crush it?

Oh, right. I forgot Dad lets you eat

as much candy as you want on Halloween.

Yeah, and I'm crushing it.

Moon, you've got to pace yourself.

-Can it, Beef. -Okay.

According to the shipment tracker, our costumes are...

one stop away.

I honestly forget what a new costume feels like.

We've been recycling old ones for so long.

I can't believe I've had to be Slimer from Ghostbusters

for the last five years.

But not this year.

Teen Halloween is about getting some,

and I'm not talking about candy.

-(chuckles) -And I've always been that ghost

made out of an Alvin and the Chipmunks sheet,

but, boy, do I love the one I ordered.

I'll be serving up a mug of hot look

as Gunther from Friends.

I was happy to use the little bit of extra cash

we had this year to get new ones.

I raked the neighbors' leaves for enjoyment,

but they insisted on paying me.

Except Vera, who had me charged with leaf theft.

(shouts) They're here!

Hello, I believe you have our costumes.

I don't know. I'm not allowed to look in the box.

That would be a felony. Sometimes I shake 'em,

-but not all the time. -Wait, is that it?

There are more. Aren't there more?

That's it. And there's a storm coming through,

so we're not expecting anything else today.

Ugh, that's so disappointing.

Yeah, we all have disappointments.

I wanted to knock on your door a minute ago,

but you opened it before I could.

Okay, that doesn't really seem like the same to me.

You don't know how much I love knocking.

Okay, all right, whatever. Bye. Thank you.

Hmm. I don't think anyone ordered this.

It appears to be a cat costume.

-Dibs. Mine. -Moon, no.

It's a sexy cat costume,

and I've had to be Slimer my whole life, so I get it.

It's a cute cat costume, and I need it.

The cuter I am, the more candy I get.

I lost the green hat to my pumpkin costume

and I've worn it so many times, it's brown.

No one wants to give candy to a brown circle, Judy.

I need it. Crispin is already coincidentally going

as a laser pointer.

Cats love those little things.

It can be a couples costume.

Honestly, I want it, too.

Yeah, what a cool reason

to drink milk out of a bowl on the floor.

How about we play rock paper murder for it?

-Let me get a knife. -I'm sure we can figure this out

without Moon killing every single one of us.

I know, Dad, how about you decide?

We can all try it on and you can choose who gets to wear it.

Yeah, you can be our judge.

Like Alaska Supreme Court Justice Dana Fabe.

My God, she handled that snowman trespassing case with grace.

Sure, I'll watch all of my children model a unitard

and then pick who gets to keep it.

-What a perfect day. -(brakes screech)

Wait, do you hear that? Maybe our costumes made it after all.

Thanks for the ride, Santiago. Good luck hiding from your mom.

I will need it. She is a most skilled hunter.

Honeybee, what are you doing here?

All flights out were canceled due to an offshore storm.

Oh, no. But you've never missed a Halloween with your family.

I know. I've done a lot of crying since I found out.

I went through all of Santiago's glove box napkins,

then I blew my nose into a bumper sticker

and it got stuck to my face.

Again? Oh, man.

Oh, I guess that means Jerry doesn't get to go either?

Nope. And he's really sad about it.

I guess I'll try to look on the bright side

and join in on your Halloween traditions.

What time is your spooky Halloween feast?

Oh, we usually just have Hamburger Helper.

I guess it's spooky how much it makes you go to the bathroom.

Then what? We hit a haunted house?

We have a scary movie night?

Watch the Hell Toy franchise

where that doll eats children?

Possessed Patsy stays eating.

Most of the time we just trick-or-treat

for a few hours at the mall.

Do they have zombies or anything there?

Last year there was a middle-aged guy

dressed as a Power Ranger.

That sort of freaked me out.

Well, let's at least get some decorations up around here.

We already decorated.

Did you see the pumpkin on our porch?

I guess my family goes a little harder

than yours for Halloween.

Halloween is the only thing that everyone in my family loves.

I never got into the curtain shop like my parents are,

we all have wildly different taste in music,

but when Halloween comes around,

my family turns into the Gilmore Girls.

We share the same passions, we talk really fast,

and we spend an unhealthy amount of time with each other.

-(sighs) It's the best. -Is there anything I can do?

You know what? I think I'm gonna sit this Halloween out.

I'm just gonna go take a nap.

-(cackles) -(shouts)

I must be tired. I'm seeing things.

(clears throat) Hello.

(screams) Possessed Patsy?

The cursed doll who eats children

from my favorite horror movie franchise Hell Toy?

That's me. But tonight I play a bigger role.

I'm the Ghost of...

(demonic voice): Halloween Past.

-(giggles) -Sorry, I never know

when Zandack the Underlord will speak through me.

(laughs) Sorry, I know I'm supposed to be scared,

but it really makes me giggle.

You won't be laughing when I munch your entrails.

(giggles) May I have a juice box?

-(laughs) Uh, you want apple or grape? -Grape.

So you're the Ghost of Halloween Past?

-Like from A Christmas Carol? -(laughs): No.

This is a completely original, unrelated idea.

I'm here because you lost your Halloween way.

I've been summoned to take you on a journey

to reveal to you the true spirit of Halloween.

Yeah, that also sounds like A Christmas Carol.

It's not A Christmas Carol, Honeybee.

Okay, fine. Let's do this thing.

-This is Halloween Past. -There's me. Can I see me?

HONEYBEE: I mean, I can see me, but can that me see me?

No one in the memory can see us.

Or help you when I skewer your eyeholes with kebabs

and serve you to Satan.

(laughs): I'm not gonna do that.

The Underlord says a lot of crazy stuff.

-Sorry. -Don't apologize, Possessed Patsy.

Women should be allowed to be themselves in the workplace.

HONEYBEE: Aw, Dad's getting the fake blood ready.

And, look, Mom just walked in with a bag of bones.

Louis, you got to see what I got from the medical supplier.

Some of these femurs look extremely real.

Granny Shaw is hanging the cobwebs.

(gasps) But, wait, where is your brother?

Oh, he's outside carving pumpkins.

That's always been his thing.

See, we all have our little jobs we do

when getting ready for Shaw-o-ween.

It's our annual party.

It's the only day of the year my parents close the curtain shop.

This is only the beginning of what shall be revealed

over the course of five more memories.

Five? No. We can just stop here.

But I have a lesson for you to learn.

I think I got it already.

You're showing me that I shouldn't skip Halloween

just because of some storm.

And when I wake up, I'll go to the mall

and trick-or-treat with the Tobins or whatever.

Lesson learned. I won't be a Halloween humbug.

But seeing more memories of my family

will only make me sadder right now.

Okay, so that's what the lesson is?

You think you're smarter than an ancient possessed plaything?

Burn in hell.

Oh, sorry, I didn't mean to offend...

No, no, no, no, no, no, it's fine.

No one trusts women to do their jobs.

We can get going. I have a bunch of nightmares

I have to do tonight, so that's actually great for me.

Sorry, Patsy.

You'll be sorry when I eat your toes

like mini corn dogs.

HAM: Okay.

I have the costume on. What am I supposed to do?

Right. The rules. Uh...

Please come down the stairs,

make a straightforward statement

of why you should have it, and...

Oh, and sing a quick song about it.

-Uh, sure, okay. -Ham, hit it.

Oh, I'll hit it.

♪ My lover Crispin said ♪

♪ He'd be a laser pointer for Halloween ♪

♪ Then this cat costume came ♪

♪ And I knew it was meant to be ♪

♪ With tail and kitty paw gloves ♪

♪ Tonight we'll have nine loves. ♪

I'm convinced. Ham should get it.

What? No!

Dad, we all get a turn.

Right. Well, then, I'm unconvinced.

Oh, wow.

-What a weird dream. -GUY FIERI: Tell me about it.

-(screams) -I love hearing about dreams.

Once, the Barefoot Contessa told me all her dreams

were about boots. Really makes you think.

Guy Fieri? I must still be dreaming.

I appear when you need me, Honeybee. I'm your Guy.

Oh, no, I'm embarrassed you're seeing my tiny kitchen.

I bet your kitchen is huge and has a mechanical bull in it

that you use to mix up your dips.

Don't be silly, Honeybee.

I keep my mechanical bull in my rec room like a normal person.

Now we better get going.

Tonight I'm more of a ghost than a host.

The Ghost of Halloween Present.

Now keep an open mind. Things might look like a trash can,

but lift the trash can up? Nachos.

Okay, what we're gonna see here

is the moment Jerry called you when you were at the airport.

He's picking up his phone.

All right. Here goes.

GUY: And now he's hesitating.

No. I don't want to watch it.

I hate seeing my brother sad.

Honeybee. Hey.

-We're not done here. -But I'm done. I get it.

I should invite my brother to join me and the Tobins

for Halloween this year. That's the lesson, right?

Well, sort of. But I also have a bunch more stuff

to say to you, and I was excited

when I got the script for this dream.

Later, I get to do an accent.

Maybe you could make me some Mac Daddy Mac n' Cheese

to help me feel better.

Honeybee, I'm a ghost, we're standing in a hallway.

I don't have the ingredients. I mean, think things through.

-Sorry. -I am recording a song

for my dirt bike in my free time, though.

I could sing you a little to calm you down.

Oh, no, I'm good...

♪ Your brakes, your engine ♪

♪ Your perfect little wheels ♪

♪ I'll wrap you in a tortilla ♪

♪ And I'll eat you as a meal ♪

♪ When I'm riding my dirt bike, I feel like a boss ♪

♪ Life on the open road ♪

♪ Now, that's the real Donkey Sauce... ♪

And then I do a sax solo.

(imitates saxophone)

-What do you think? -It's uh... um... getting there.

(hissing)

JUDY: Ah, crap. He looks frickin' adorable.

That's why I must have this.

The cuter the costume, the greater the candy haul.

I must have more candy!

Is it just me, or are his pupils vibrating?

Moon, why don't you just tell me why you need the costume

and then have one glass of water?

Never! ♪ Watch me go from door to door ♪

♪ Getting candy, getting more ♪

♪ It's never enough, never enough ♪

♪ Won't stop till I hit the floor. ♪

(snoring)

Well, we knew this was coming.

He made it to 2:00 p.m. this year.

I'll take him up for a nap and come back as a cat.

Oh, be sure to leave a couple mini Snickers in his pillow case

for when he wakes up.

It's very dangerous for him to go cold turkey.

The cat's out of the bag.

This costume fits me purr-fectly. (chuckles)

I'm obviously the pick of the kitty litter.

Oh, wait, actually, I guess that would mean

that I'm like a poop.

But maybe I'm like a cool sexual poop who...

No. You know what? Never mind. No, no, no, no.

I'm just gonna do my statement now.

Oh, I thought that-- That wasn't your statement?

All right, okay, here we go.

♪ Well, here's a little story I'd like to tell ♪

♪ About a big green costume you know so well ♪

♪ It looks really stupid and it smushes my face ♪

♪ And absolutely no one wants to go to third base with Slimer. ♪

How would you even do that? Like, where is third base

on that guy? You know what I mean?

Judy, stop. You can have the costume.

Sounds like you're going through a lot.

What? No. I haven't even gone yet.

Oh, right. I forgot that my married adult son

also wants this cat costume.

Being a talent show judge is hard.

Howie Mandel makes it look so effortless.

-(front door opens) -(all gasp)

I'm back. And to answer your first question,

I have no idea how I got outside,

but I feel refreshed and I'm ready for more candy.

(screams)

Don't be alarmed. It's just your friendly neighborhood

Grim Reaper of death.

Okay, you still look alarmed. We can work through this.

So, you're the Ghost of Halloween Future.

-How did you know? -I've seen this movie

and the remake and the Muppets version.

Why are you all surprised I know this stuff?

Literally everyone knows this story.

Well, I'm here because I have a lesson to teach you.

Right. Okay. So far,

I know that I should still celebrate Halloween today,

and I should invite my brother so he doesn't feel left out.

Let's see what else you've got to add, Grim.

Why are we back at my brother's place?

But is it your brother's place?

Whoa. Why is Cheesecake here? And why is he naked?

-And where is my brother? -New Mexico.

That's where he lives now. Cheesecake took over his lease.

Ooh, look at that, big sale at Vodka World.

Now, where are my pants?

We're in the future, remember? And today is Halloween.

So, Jerry moved away,

and he doesn't even visit me on Halloween?

I said I'd invite him to the festivities today.

What the heck?

The answer you seek lives within me,

so let me show you who I am.

-Can you hold my scythe? -Sure.

(gasps) Girl, you're me?

Wait, I'm the answer? Oh...

Patsy said you guys were showing me the true spirit of Halloween,

and the true spirit is me.

I can't just join in on the Tobin traditions.

I have to bring my family's party--

Shaw-o-ween-- to Lone Moose.

Nope, that's not exactly the lesson...

Oh, she's gone. Damn, that girl stole my scythe.

Ah! What day is it? Oh, good, it's still Halloween.

I can fix this. Ooh, and J.Lo shut down the red carpet

in a barely there skort?

(groans) Can't read that now. Later, later.

Let me begin.

♪ I walk like a cat, I jump like a cat... ♪

-(grunting) -(other groaning)

-Son, you okay? -Oh, my back.

I don't want it. I don't want the cat.

Guys, I have to save Hallo...

Wolf, why are you on the floor in a cat costume?

Oh don't worry about me. What's up?

I don't have to go to Fresno to feel the Halloween spirit

because the spirit lives within me.

I'm gonna throw my own Shaw-o-ween party

-here at the house tonight. -Incredible.

What should-- Aah!-- we do?

Oh, you guys don't have to do anything.

-This is my area of expertise. -Perfect, because

I cannot move. (laughs) Good luck, my spooky sweetie.

-(groans) -Okay, Dad, time to choose.

-Who wins the cat costume? -Hmm.

You were all really convincing. I need time to decide.

I'll take the costume to my room and give it a think.

Oh, my.

♪ The winner is me. ♪

-Wait, you get the costume? -Dad, no!

-Fetch my hammer. -I'm sorry, children,

but for certain reasons that I cannot disclose,

the costume chose me.

Is it 'cause your ding dong looks great in that cat leotard?

What? No. I... Look out.

Dang. Can't believe he got us with "look out."

(sighs) Well, slimed again.

Time to go stuff a pack of hot dogs in my mouth.

♪ Saving Halloween, saving Halloween ♪

♪ Gettin' stuff for the party 'cause I'm saving Halloween. ♪

Hey, Jerry. Come to the Tobins as soon as you get this message.

I'm gonna save Halloween,

and you don't have to move to New Mexico.

WOLF: I wonder what Honeybee's

up to in there. I think we're in for a real treat,

it's been a long time.

It's like she doesn't even care how cold we are out here.

That's how into Halloween she is.

I hope there's something spooky,

like a pipe-cleaner spider hanging from the ceiling.

Aw, Honeybee, I love your costume. What are you?

I'm muffin butt trouble. Get it?

I'm a muffin with hemorrhoid cream.

Because I've got butt trouble.

Wait, where is the muffin's butt?

Great question, but let's table it for now

because I can't wait to show you what I've done.

And now, for the first time in Lone Moose, Shaw-o-ween.

(Tobins whimpering)

WOLF: Oh, gonna barf.

What are these eyeballs made out of?

Eyeballs. From the meat market.

(gags) Hey. Cool.

I have a new worst moment.

-Isn't it fun to be this scared? -(phone ringing)

Ooh, it's Jerry. Jerry, hi.

Kids, get the kerosene.

We're burning this terrifying house down right now.

Great news, Jerry. I brought Shaw-o-ween to Lone Moose.

Um, wh-what are you talking about?

We're having Mom and Dad's party at the Tobins.

-Hurry up and get here. -Actually... I can't come.

What? But I did it. The Tobins' house

looks exactly like our parents' house usually looks.

You don't have to be sad anymore. Why aren't you coming?

Oh, just because. Don't worry about me. Have fun, Honeybee.

Jerry's not coming? Huh.

What am I missing?

I have to go back to the guest house to take another nap.

I need to see those ghosts again

and figure out what's up with my brother.

Thank God I can nap on command. Ever since I was hypnotized

by that magician on my 12th birthday,

I just have to whisper "Camelback" and...

(snores) I-I'm up. Off I go.

Got to go back to sleep and figure out why Jerry

doesn't want to come to my Halloween party.

(whispers): Camelback.

Honeybee, what do you want? This is our break.

We were watching a clip of J.Lo shutting down the red carpet

with a barely there skort.

Yeah, I'm definitely checking that out later,

but, guys and Guy,

I know you were trying to show me something earlier

and I got it wrong, so show me

all the things I said to skip last time.

Oh, so now you want me to do the job

I'm more than qualified for?

How about I jump rope

with your large intestine?

I'm sorry I rushed you guys.

I thought I knew what point you were making.

Well, haunted dolls have feelings, too.

Do you want me to whip you up a snack, Patsy?

I want buttered noodles.

Guys, please, let's go.

We're back at my parents'? Oh, I remember this party.

One of the best nights of my life.

Maybe for you, but look.

Oh, Jerry, can you give me a hand?

-(screaming) -(Ruth laughing)

-I gave you a hand. -Why?!

Wait, Jerry is upset? Why is Jerry upset?

Let's see another year.

Now, this is a sad one.

My grandmother actually passed away the day before Halloween,

and we decided to have the party anyway as her funeral

because she loved Halloween so much.

This is your grandma's real funeral?

(chuckles) Sure is.

Keep an eye on Jerry here, too, Honeybee.

-Gotcha. I'm alive. -(screaming)

-Happy Halloween. -(laughs) -Why?!

I got you guys, too. See? It was all a joke.

Why is she...? Why would you guys...?

No offense, but your family's really creeping me out,

and I'm a haunted doll who eats children.

I never noticed how upset Jerry gets.

My turn. Let's preheat this oven back to Halloween Present.

Playing Halloween Simulator on the computer.

Bye, Honeybee.

Yes! Did you hear that, Pumpky?

I finally get to have a nice Halloween.

We can be happy.

(gasps) Jerry didn't want to go to Fresno at all.

You missed stuff in my part, too.

And so that's how I ended up moving here to New Mexico,

to avoid ever having to spend Halloween

with my sister or my parents again.

Our family is scattered to the winds on Halloween,

and it is all my fault.

Totally your fault.

I got to fix this. But how?

You know, Honeybee, there are nights

where we've had to shut down one of my restaurants

due to flavor overload.

You want flavor, but if you have too much flavor,

then you've got Aunt Beverly passing out

from sheer delight, and then no one's having fun anymore.

Maybe it's time to consider serving your brother

a Halloween that's just a little less smothered

in my signature Cumin Lime Mojo sauce.

Yes, that's it. Thank you, Guy Fieri.

Let's wake up.

Hey, Jerrybee.

Thank you for agreeing to come. The party's about to start,

but I won't make you stay

or look at all the decorations inside.

-Is this a trick? -No.

I realized that me and the rest of our family

have always pushed all this scary stuff on you,

and it freaks you out. I know how much you hate Halloween.

But I don't hate Halloween. I just hate

our family's version of Halloween.

I'm a Hallo-weenie, okay? And I don't like getting scared.

Why have you never told me this?

Well, I always wanted to get into it with you guys,

but this being my first year away from home,

I thought maybe instead of being terrified,

I could spend Halloween just being Jerry.

Jerrified. And the truth is,

I was never even going to come to the airport today.

That's what I was calling to tell you this morning.

Shaw-o-ween is behind me now.

Well, it makes me kind of sad,

but I'd be sadder thinking I was scaring the crap out of you

every year and, as a result, you'd move to New Mexico.

-What? -Oh, never mind,

it's just something Guy Fieri showed me.

-What?! -Nothing. So, tell me,

What would your perfect Jerrified Halloween be?

Well, I was gonna do a Halloween movie night.

Twitches with Tia and Tamera Mowry.

Then Devil Wears Prada.

Devil Wears Prada isn't a Halloween movie, Jerry.

The way Miranda Priestly acts in an office environment

chills me to the bone.

And, Honeybee, this kind of judgment

is why I didn't want to tell you this stuff.

You're right, you're right. Here, I got you something.

-I thought we could carve them together. -(gasps)

-(Honeybee gasps) -JERRY: Uh... Oh, no. Who is this dude?

-Die! -(Jerry screaming)

-Die! -No, no, no, no, no!

(screams) Why, why, why, why?

I-I'm just a Halloween-o-gram. Please calm down.

I was sent by a Ruth and Louis Shaw.

Our parents got me again?!

Why?! Oh, I'm not safe anywhere!

Thank you for your time, sir. I loved it.

-(panicked breathing) -Jerry. Jerry. You got to calm down.

You know what? Why don't you just stay out here

and greet the party guests as they arrive?

I think I know some other people who would join you.

Wolf, Beef, guys.

WOLF: Sorry, we were hiding from your decorations.

Yeah, I'm kind of realizing today that not everybody

likes to do Halloween the way I do.

-You guys want to keep Jerry company out here? -Hi, Beef.

Great costume. Since when did they put the tail in the front?

(giggles)

Don't worry, babe. I'll tone it down next year.

Oh, no, no, no, you're definitely going to Fresno

next year, my Casper the Lovely Ghost.

This was terrifying,

and we did not enjoy it.

Here's my kind of decorations.

-A light up-sign. It says "boo." -Ugh.

And here's my Frankenstein candy bowl.

You press the bolts on his neck and Skittles come out.

-I hate it. -This is kind of scary.

-It's a ghost and a bat. -Why are they holding hands?

They're in love.

And look, my coat rack is a skeleton.

It looks like he's waving. Hi, Honeybee.

I think I'm gonna throw up.

We should find out if you're adopted.

This Dracula sings

"Disturbia" by Rihanna.

-Please don't press that button. -Oh, I'm pressing it.

-I'm pressing it. Pressed. -No, no!

♪ Time to get Jerrified. ♪

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