Original subtitles

Isaac: That's great news, Bill. Sensational.

We'll treat him very well.

I say, we'll treat your client very well, Bill.

T ake care. Heh heh heh heh!

-- We got him? -- How much do you love me?

-- We got him? -- I'm asking you right now at this very moment --

-- how much do you love me? -- lsaac?

We...got...him.

-- We got him?! -- We got him!

-- We got him?! -- We got him!

-- [ Gasps ] -- We got him!

Christian Patrick right here in our studio.

It's not remote?

In our studio tomorrow night at 1 1 :00!

I am so hot for you right now.

-- You know who ESPN's got? -- No.

I don't either, but it's not Christian Patrick.

We gotta promote the hell out of this, lsaac.

I know.

-- I mean, you gotta get on the phone with Promotions right now. -- I will.

Get them out of bed! It's moving day.

-- It's a big day. -- I mean, this is a coup, Isaac.

We need it promoted!

What, do I look like I just sailed in from Minskapinsk?

No, you don't, but you've gotta stop using Yiddish expressions.

They work for me!

[ Chuckling ] Not as much as you think.

-- I'm thinking seriously about doing it. -- I wouldn't.

I'm thinking seriously about it.

-- What do you think? -- I wouldn't.

-- Guys? -- No.

It's not a good idea.

I wouldn't do it.

I want this now. This is important to me.

I'm an adult, and I wanna grow a goatee.

-- Danny. -- Dana.

-- How much do you love me? -- I wanna grow a goatee.

Very, very bad idea. How much do you love me?

I think it would look good.

I think you'd look like Colonel Sanders.

How much do you love me?

A little less than I did before the "Colonel Sanders" thing.

We got Christian Patrick.

-- Seriously? -- Tomorrow night.

Remote from the locker room?

In the studio, my clean-shaven friend.

In the studio -- 5 minutes.

Oh, we gotta promote the hell out of this.

Ah, do I look like I just sailed in from Minskapinsk?

I really couldn't say, but I still think we should promote this interview.

-- Yes! -- Good job.

[ Gasps ] Natalie!

Yes, ma'am.

How much do you love me, right now, this very second?

-- What did I do? -- Nothing.

I'm asking how much this very second --

You know what? Never mind.

Tomorrow night...

you are going to go out to the Meadowlands and do a pre-interview.

-- Since when do we do pre-interviews? -- Since we booked Chris Patrick.

-- You're kidding. -- No.

Seriously?

Tomorrow night, we are gonna win our time slot in 14 major markets

for the first time since we went on the air.

Does this strike you as something I'm inclined to joke about?

-- No. -- See?

But you're not generally inclined to joke about much of anything at all.

Yes. But if I were, this wouldn't be it.

-- Right. -- Now, what does that mean?

-- What does what mean? -- Are you saying I don't have a sense of humor?

-- Dana, I -- -- Never mind.

You'll interview him right after the game tomorrow, then hustle on back.

I need you here 90 minutes before showtime.

-- You sure you don't want Jeremy? -- I want you.

-- Jeremy knows the NFL. -- So do you.

-- Not like Jeremy. -- You'll do fine.

Show me a list of the questions, and don't play softball.

This man is a convicted felon,

and he's talking to us and nobody else,

-- so let's make it count, you got it? -- Yeah.

This show's lived in third place long enough, Natalie.

It's moving day!

-- Dana, you are wired. -- Yes, I am!

Plus...I have a terrific sense of humor.

I know lots and lots of jokes.

People say that about you.

Good. Go.

"SportsCenter"...

"Fox Sports News"...

and here comes "Sports Night,"

Ied by Dana Whitaker in the number-3 car.

I'm talking to myself, and that can't be a good sign.

A lot of great and distinguished men have worn goatees.

I'll give you $100 if you don't start naming them for me.

-- King Tut. -- Thank you.

-- Sigmund Freud. -- Dan, Casey.

Galileo is another.

Uh, I've just been on a conference call

with Patrick's agent and his lawyer.

Ah, and here come the guidelines.

5 minutes and 30 seconds total.

Casey will ask a question with a follow-up,

then Dan, and so on.

Mary Pat Shelby?

Off limits.

How off limits?

Completely off limits.

-- Totally off limits? -- Entirely off limits.

No questions about Mary Pat Shelby.

Really?

We're just gonna talk about football.

How 'bout something like this --

Chris, what were you thinking

when you punched your girlfriend in the face

and threw her down that flight of stairs?

I'm sorry, I meant,

"How the heck did you catch that pass against the Raiders?"

No, that would be a bad thing to do.

And you make this agreement two hours before the show?

It was the only time!

You are getting played like a fiddle, and I'm serious.

I am not getting played. I got beat.

-- Damn right you got beat. -- I know. I got beat.

You promote the thing nonstop, all day, all night,

then they get you to agree to this nonsense

at the eleventh hour, when there's no chance you'll pull it.

You got beat like a drum.

Something was better than nothing, and we needed this.

Yeah, and Patrick's people need to show

-- their guy can still sell sneakers and soda. -- [ Cup rattles ]

And when the whole thing's over...

we hop in the shower, and they leave the money on the night table.

Plus, we get to show Mary Pat Shelby

that unless she can catch 80 passes in a season,

the world couldn't honestly give a damn

about her concussion and broken jaw.

I don't think I need a civics lesson from you, Casey.

Well, I think you need one from somebody, Dana,

'cause you're doing a big thing badly.

I'm aware of the moral questions posed by this,

but I'm also aware of the fact

that this is a third-place show that doesn't deserve to be.

But I can't educate viewers to that fact

unless they're watching us in the first place.

So... your pedantic scolding aside,

I'll do anything,

short of a "wet T-shirt" contest to get us there,

and these days,

the "wet T-shirt" contest isn't looking so bad to me.

-- You see what I'm saying? -- I wasn't really listening.

I was handicapping the odds of something falling on your head when you were talking.

Oh.

These are the guidelines.

-- Hey, you wanna get involved with this? -- I so don't.

Thank you.

-- Didn't you used to care about these things? -- Yes.

-- And it wasn't that long ago that you did. -- No.

-- I mean, it was, like, yesterday. -- Right.

Now, when I say "yesterday," I'm not speaking metaphorically.

I mean it was yesterday.

What happened to your values?

I find that maintaining them is a lot of work.

I take a day off every now and then.

-- You take a vacation from doing the right thing? -- Yeah.

I don't loot storefronts or anything,

but once in a while, when l consider the effort it takes

to diligently adhere to a moral compass,

I take myself out of the lineup and I rest for the next game.

I swear, you could run for Congress and win.

-- Not with a goatee. -- Yeah, that's true.

[ Telephone ringing ]

-- Hey. -- Oh, hey.

-- How did it go? -- I didn't know anyone was using the room.

I'm pretty much done.

I was just gonna put the voiceover on

the N.C. State/Clemson package.

-- You wanna see it? -- No, let's do it later, okay?

I need to get the pre-interview notes together for Dana.

-- What happened to your wrist? -- What?

-- What happened to your wrist? -- Oh, God, yeah.

-- It got jammed in a thing. -- Is it all right?

Yeah, I got it jammed in the door by accident in the van.

-- It was my own -- I closed it, and I wasn't thinking -- -- It looks pretty sore.

Yeah. No. It's fine.

I once got an lndian burn that looked like that.

My sister Louise tied me to a tree.

[ Laughs ] Why did your sister Louise tie you to a tree?

That's a perfectly fair question,

but I honestly couldn't tell you.

I'm gonna find another room.

-- I should call and ask her. -- Yeah!

All right, first of all...

a priest, a minister, and a rabbi walk into a bar.

-- What are you doing? -- I'm telling a joke.

A priest, a minister, and a rabbi walk into a bar --

Don't do it.

-- Why? -- lt'll end badly for you.

-- I can tell a joke. -- No, you can't.

-- You've seen me tell jokes. -- You telegraph your jokes.

I don't telegraph my jokes.

You do it with a satanic grin.

Ooh, Satan's another one.

-- Another what? -- Goatee. -- That's right.

-- You see? -- Plus, he can tell a joke.

Who thinks Danny should grow a goatee?

-- No. -- No, I don't like it. Not one bit. -- No.

There it is. 20 through 30 --

do we have the film on the Rangers and the Red Wings?

Toulouse-Lautrec.

Are you just gonna keep naming people with goatees?

-- As they come to me. -- It actually presents a lighting problem.

A lighting problem?

People, we need to focus for a minute.

Yes, the goatee.

-- A lighting problem? -- It would be a bit of a lighting problem.

-- Folks -- -- I have a hard time believing

that my growing a goatee is gonna cause any kind of lighting problem, guys, all right?

Hey, these guys still haven't figured out how to light your nose.

Can I get a flag on that play, please?

20 through 30 -- 40, we go to Pebble Beach --

Excuse me, Dana.

I'm sorry, but I have to get some people on the phones.

-- What's going on? -- I'm not sure yet.

But there's a story coming out of the Meadowlands.

A maintenance worker, a custodian,

or somebody witnessed Christian Patrick

in an otherwise empty locker room

exposing himself to a woman.

What does the woman say?

We don't know who the woman is,

but if she was in there, it's likely she's press.

He exposed himself?

The thing is...he may have done more than that.

The witness says he saw Patrick grab the woman's arm...

and there was some kind of struggle.

-- Her arm? -- Yes.

-- Wait. He grabbed her arm? -- Well, we're getting a lot --

Could it have been her wrist?

-- Yes, but -- -- Son of a bitch.

What's with him?

It was Natalie.

[ Door closes ]

Ohh.

[ Door opens ]

Um...[Clears throat] everybody else...

work the phones.

I'm fine.

-- Is it just your wrist? -- I'm fine.

Did he hurt you anyplace else?

He didn't hurt me.

-- Natalie. -- Dana. -- Put this on.

Keep it on top like this. Don't put it underneath.

It's not swollen.

It will be.

Put the ice on, Natalie.

Natalie...

he's gonna be here soon.

We'll have a car come, pick you up, take you home.

Why do I need to go home?

It's gonna be uncomfortable for you when he gets here.

Am I being fired?

Don't be ridiculous. He's saying --

Then I'd like to stay.

I'm the senior associate producer here.

I've got a show in 38 minutes.

I'd like to be allowed to do my job.

[ Sighs ] Of course you can stay.

Why don't we all get back to work?

[ Door opens ]

Marsha, get me someone from Legal,

and you'd better call J.J. at the network.

Isaac, Christian Patrick's in the lobby

with Bill Evans and David Burke.

Put Patrick in the greenroom and have Evans and Burke sent to my office.

Natalie's in the edit bay. Bring Patrick around the back.

This is a whole new ballgame.

-- It is? -- Yeah.

-- It's a whole new ballgame? -- Casey --

Because we only agreed not to discuss Mary Pat Shelby,

but we never agreed not to discuss any further acts of violence.

Is that why it's a whole new ballgame?

Listen!

You pompous jackass!

I am closer to Natalie than anybody in this world, and I'm also a woman,

so don't imply that I'm somehow insensitive to what's happened here.

But...there happens to be

an exclusive story sitting in the greenroom

that's gonna be wildfire whether we light the match or not.

It happened. It's news.

I can't decide not to pursue it just 'cause it happened to us!

Not only that, I think Natalie deserves to have her story told.

Don't use the last part.

What?

You had me till the last part.

-- What do you -- -- Of course it's a legitimate news story,

and it would be embarrassing if we weren't the ones to break it.

But Natalie didn't seem at all to me anxious to have her story told.

And speaking as a friend, I think it's wrong of you to use that.

I am not rationalizing, Danny. I am saying what I believe.

That's fine, but in a minute, you're gonna have to float an argument by Isaac,

and I'm just saying... you had me till the last part.

[ Telephones ringing ]

You're right.

Natalie doesn't want the story to get out anyway.

You know what? It's a whole new ballgame.

[ Sighs ]

I thought you were taking a break from moral accountability.

-- I threw in one for nothing. -- Hmm.

Man: We're not gonna let Chris Patrick walk into an impromptu interrogation.

If it's not tonight, then it's tomorrow morning.

We don't know what happened. We don't know if anything --

We know Natalie has a mark on her wrist the size of a charm bracelet,

and we know we have a live interview with your client.

-- [ Sighs ] -- Well, talk to us.

Despite a mountain of fairly immutable evidence,

I'm prepared to believe

that what happened to Natalie didn't happen to Natalie,

and I'm confident

I can persuade Natalie to see it the same way.

What's the catch?

Mary Pat Shelby.

What do we get? What do you get?

Natalie will deny reports

that she was sexually assaulted in an empty locker room,

and I'm including league security as well as press inquiries.

In exchange, I get a 5-minute interview with Patrick,

in which Mary Pat Shelby is fair game.

You do what I'm telling you, and your client stays off "America's Most Wanted."

-- And you get your ratings. -- Yes, I do.

We'll talk to Chris.

Do it now.

[ Door opens ]

What was that about?

It's not important.

I can't be shielded like this, Jeremy.

I need to know what's going on around here.

Dana cut a deal with Chris Patrick's people.

There aren't gonna be any questions about what happened.

And we get Mary Pat Shelby?

-- Yeah. -- Dana knows what she's doing.

-- Yeah, she does. -- Listen --

-- Are you happy with that? -- Yes.

-- Natalie... forget about the show. -- She did the smart thing.

-- Look... -- She thinks it's what you want.

You can go to her right now, Natalie.

It wouldn't be as bad as you think.

Yes, it would.

-- Natalie -- -- Yes, it would!

Private conversations in the corridor,

secret meetings in lsaac's office,

"We'll have a car take you home"?

I'm already out of the loop.

-- It's just tonight. -- No, it's not.

This is a soundproof room,

and I can still hear the phones ringing out there.

They're on the scent,

and they're all calling to talk to me.

I have a journalism degree from Northwestern.

I started out as a summer intern.

I worked my way up to senior associate.

Tomorrow, I'd be a cocktail-party joke.

So it'd actually be every bit as bad as I think.

Yeah.

If you don't mind, I really have this work to do.

Isn't there anything I can do for you?

No.

[ Sighs ]

Hey, I'm looking for the men's room.

Down the hall to your right.

Thanks. Chris Patrick.

Get your hand out of my face.

Did I say something funny?

[ Sighing ] I'm 6'4," 230 pounds...

bench-press 3 bills, run a 4.4 40.

[ lnhales sharply ]

What, do you want to dance with me, Junior?

You touch her again, I'm gonna have you killed.

Do you understand what I'm saying?

I'm gonna pay someone $50 to have you killed.

Well, let me tell you something...Skippy.

By the look in her eyes when she got a load of me...

...seemed pretty impressed.

[ lndistinct conversation ]

[ Door opens ]

Hey.

Hey.

What are you doin'?

There's just, uh...

Nothing.

The network says intend-to-view tracking puts us in 4.2 million homes.

It's a landslide.

Hmm.

Well, you're about to take us into the big-time, Dana.

You deserve credit for that.

I sent her there on purpose.

I sent her there instead of Jeremy

'cause I knew how Patrick felt about women in a locker room,

and I thought I could... provoke a more...

a better response to the questions.

I sent her there on purpose.

I know.

Does she? Does Natalie know?

Of course she knows.

She learned from you.

It was the right thing to do.

Does she know that I sold her?

Dana, Natalie wouldn't complain if her hair were on fire.

[ Chuckles softly ]

She wants what's best for the show.

And she knows that I know.

What's that?

That you tend to do the right thing.

[ Voice breaking ] Oh.

[ Sighs ]

Hey.

Hey.

How's your wrist?

It's fine. My wrist is fine. My wrist is fine.

I know it's hard to think of things to say to me right now,

but if people would stop asking about my wrist, I'd really appreciate it.

My wrist is fine.

Cool.

Wait. [ Sighs ]

Yeah?

-- What were you gonna say? -- Nothin'.

You came in here to say something.

I came in to ask you about your wrist.

-- No, you didn't. -- It's what everybody's doing.

-- You're not everybody. -- I can work on that.

[ Sighing ] You came in to say I shouldn't keep quiet.

No. Actually, you caught me on my day off.

You're not gonna tell me to be strong?

It hasn't been my experience that you need to be told that.

We all remember a Boston Globe reporter who was strong, Danny.

There isn't a female sports journalist

that didn't learn their lesson from it.

I would imagine.

She had death threats.

The FBl had to open her mail.

Every loser who knew how to dial a phone

is calling talk radio, saying, "She was a bitch

who shouldn't have been where she was in the first place."

And when it was all said and done,

she had to pack up her life and move to the other side of the planet.

Nat, I have absolutely no problem

with you going along with Dana and taking a pass.

Mm-hmm.

The only reason I came in here...

was to tell you this --

no matter what you decide... you've got friends.

And this is what friends gear up for.

[ Door closes ]

This is insane.

Oh! Jesus! I'm so sorry!

I'm so -- I'll -- I'll help you later.

[ Panting ]

-- Kim! -- Yeah, right here.

Um...I need you to cut a new intro.

Blow off 30 and, um, give it to me in 2 minutes.

-- [ Telephones ringing ] -- I need all hands now!

-- Uh...Elliott! -- What do you need?

I need graphics in the control room.

Uh...Jeremy!

I need you to create 5 minutes. Can you do that?

-- Are we? -- Yes.

-- Absolutely. -- Thank you.

Um...

[ lndistinct conversations ]

[ Panting ]

-- lsaac. -- Yeah?

[ Clears throat ] We did a big thing badly.

I know.

Can I try and fix it?

Go.

Excuse me, everybody!

Can I have your attention, please?

[ Sighs deeply ]

This interview's off.

-- Yes! -- What? -- Why?

I want to thank you for coming down,

but we're gonna do a show now, and I need you to clear the studio.

Let's go. Move it.

-- You can't do this, lsaac. -- It's done.

You're all gonna be the laughingstock of broadcast news.

We're pretty much used to that by now.

Dave: Three minutes to air.

Folks, I'm pretty sure I heard my boss ask you all to leave the building.

This is a third-place show on a fourth-rate network.

Yeah, but that's all gonna change once I grow a goatee.

He's just crazy enough to do it, too.

Get your things.

[ lndistinct conversations ]

We've got two minutes!

Have a good show.

Hey.

Hey.

How you doin'?

Jeez.

[ Chuckling ] Yeah.

A lot of fuss about nothin', huh?

I'll say.

I mean...

maybe I came on to you a little.

No big deal, right?

Do you remember how much you wanted to play

professional football when you were a kid?

Yeah.

That's how much I wanted to be a sports reporter.

I was just there doing my job.

But tomorrow the sky's gonna fall down on both of us,

'cause as soon as my show comes down at midnight,

I'm going over to the 23rd precinct,

and I'm swearing out a warrant for your arrest.

Chris.

Yeah.

Right now, this second... how much do you love me?

[ Sighs ] I'm sorry.

Dan: Good evening. From New York City,

I'm Dan Rydell alongside Casey McCall.

Those stories, plus...

-- I am so sorry. -- It's okay.

...controversies in the PAC-1 0 and the SEC.

What can I do?

Casey: Goalies get into the action in the NHL...

Tell me a joke, Dana.

...there's no place like home.

Dan: All that coming up after this.

You're watching "Sports Night" on CSC, so don't go away.

[ Rock music plays ]