Original subtitles

- What is this place? - Oh, it's just a hotel.

Hotel?

It's just a hotel.

By the station.

It's convenient.

- Convenient? What for? - Well...

The north of England.

- You do say the most ridiculous things. - Why are you laughing?

- I don't know. - Are you happy?

- I laugh when I'm hungry, too. - Oh.

- Well, if you'd rather eat... - Oh, no.

You look so big in that overcoat. Like a house.

- I'll take it off. - Not yet.

- No one knows we're here? - No, of course not.

I'm out for a long business lunch with a textile buyer.

And I'm having an open continental sandwich in the coffee bar.

And I'm saying, "Well, gentlemen,

"what about a large smoked salmon on the Commissioners of Inland Revenue?"

What if they look for us in those places?

They wouldn't find us.

- We've disappeared. We don't exist. - Just for an hour.

- Or longer. - Oh, no, I can't.

Business lunches stretch out endlessly.

Can't spend much time on an open continental sandwich.

- What? - Still...

They're quite good though, those sandwiches.

You look so small in that overcoat.

What do I look like?

A child in the park on a snowy morning.

You don't think I'm the sort of girl who comes to a place like this?

Of course not.

Well, why am I here?

- My fault. - No.

- That must be the sort of girl I am. - You're not!

And what about you?

Is this how all your lunch hours are passed, with some girl or other?

And perhaps you have to sneak out of the office at 4:00

for a great enormous high tea.

I've never been here before.

- Honestly? - Honestly.

I'm sorry.

Oh, I love you.

Say it again.

I love you.

- How long? - Well...

Since the day you arrived at the office.

Thank you.

Bit of new'?

Art school, if you ask my opinion. Well, they present no problems.

- Girls. - What?

- I said, "girls". - Oh, yeah.

Well, they can't spell, they can't type. They make £15 a week,

which took me the best part of my life to rise up to and what use are they?

Will you please tell me that, number two?

Oh, yes, they can read their horoscopes all day.

They fill their desks with wet towels and flannels and toothpaste.

They bung up the toilet with tea leaves. They burst into tears

if you so much as mention the fact that they're half an hour late.

- What earthly use they are... - Excuse me.

Hmm.

Well, hello, you're going to brighten up our wallpaper.

What do you care for? Penguin biscuit, Choc'Roll?

- Not really. - Care for a cup of tea?

Thank you.

I think I'm being got something, actually.

Well, would you have liked a ham sandwich?

I'm not hungry.

Hello.

Excuse me.

- You settling in all right, miss, urn... - Yes. Yes, thank you.

I'm Chief of Personnel.

It's my job to look after the health and happiness of you young ladies.

And I get paid for doing it. Amazing isn't it?

- From art school, aren't you? - Essex Technical.

I thought so. It's a funny thing, in Personnel

we can always tell the ones that hail from art school.

- More poise, more experience of life. - Have they?

Hmm. I suppose it's all the parties they've lived through.

Gives them that relaxed expression.

- Well, I didn't go to many parties. - Smoke?

Well, I thought we weren't allowed to...

Oh, we can relax the rules and regulations once in a while,

-in special cases. - Excuse me, sir.

- Your tea. - Thank you.

- You're Harris's number two, aren't you? - That's right.

I thought you types were meant to have tea served in the office.

Well, we relax rules and regulations once in a while.

Hmm, well, don't forget to come up to Personnel

anytime anything is worrying you,

any trivial little thing,

and we can chew it over in the privacy of the office.

Thank you. There's nothing worrying me.

Mmm-mmm.

Mmm.

I thought you types had tea in your office?

To tell you the truth, I'm glad to get out of there.

Oh, and honour us with your presence.

I'm only a number two on the executive side.

Still, you do have your own hat stand.

- You know a lot, don't you? - Not everything.

I don't know where the print room is.

Don't you, really?

No, the supervisor said to me,

"Go down to the print room, dear, and chase them up on a Spanish lvy."

And I just said, "Yes". And now I'm stranded.

- Finished your tea? - Yes.

- I'll show you where it is. - Thank you.

It's a bit, um, tricky on your own.

Eh, dolly, dolly, dolly, dolly. What you're doing down here, then?

The new one. Hey, what about me, then?

- Hey, come on. - Who are you, dolly?

-Isn't she lovely? - Beautiful.

Something funny?

What are you doing with that Spanish Ivy, growing it?

You'll have it tomorrow.

- I'll tell the supervisor then? - Yes.

- Promise for tomorrow? - Yes, yes.

This way, miss.

-I'm glad you came with me. - I beg your pardon?

I'm glad you came.

Well, printers are like that. They can't help it.

- Still, I'm glad you came. - I can't hear a word you're saying.

I'm glad you came with me!

You tired?

A bit.

I did 24 new colourings on Spanish Ivy today with roses.

They work you hard.

Fiddling things, roses, especially in bud.

Where do you live?

- Are there any more at home like you? - What?

That's what that stupid designer asks me every day.

Well, I didn't ask you that.

No, you're different.

Am I?

Well, then where do you live?

- In a haven. - Where?

Hostel for offlce workers, Bloomsbury Square. The Happy Haven.

Better known as the morgue.

- What's that like, then? - Not bad.

In at 11:00. No smoking on Sunday.

No telly after 10:00 and no boyfriends past the games room on pain of death.

- Have you got a boyfriend? - Not particularly.

I like reading, going to the pictures.

Well, I can't get out in the evenings.

Oh.

It's just not very convenient for me to get out.

-It's all right. - No, I'll tell you...

I'll tell you how I spend my evenings.

You wouldn't believe how I have to spend my evenings.

- Wouldn't I? - No.

She's gotten hold of so many labour-saving devices,

I have to spend all night with a screwdriver in my hand,

keeping them in order.

- She's your... - Yes.

Dishwasher, ironer, Vegmaster.

And then now she's gotten hold of an electric polisher that lights up.

What's the idea behind that, then?

To spot the dust.

Well, I mean, if there's only two of you,

what's the point in keeping the place humming like a factory?

I expect you're right.

Of course, in the daytime, well,

I'm more my own master then.

It's nice, this garden.

Yes, they keep it very nice.

Look at those flowers. Straight as soldiers.

She'll never have any.

- The untidiness would drive her... - I never asked you.

No, you didn't.

- What are they anyway? - What?

- Well, those flowers. - Geraniums.

- Make a good wallpaper. - Don't even speak of it.

Who invented walls anyway?

- You've settled in now, haven't you? - What do you mean?

Well, I mean, in the offlce. I mean, you're more happy.

Yes, yes.

What do they call this place?

- Well, the Embankment Gardens. - Mmm-hmm.

They get very friendly here, in the Embankment Gardens, don't they?

Well, probably they've got nowhere else to go.

- Why did you give him such a lot? - Just to celebrate.

I'm going to Ealing. You?

Gower Street, it's the other direction.

- Beautiful. - What?

- Those roses. - Fiddling things.

Not going out?

I wasn't hungry. What about you?

Well, I wasn't hungry either.

Must be very satisfying.

What must be very satisfying?

Well, to be able to paint as well as that.

Oh, I expect you could if you had the practice.

- Go on, have a try. - No, I couldn't do that.

Go on. I would've said you were artistic, looking at you.

No, no, no.

I used to make up stories though, when I was a kid.

- Go on. - Mmm. I used to write them down even.

Don't get time for that. Not nowadays.

But they said I had imagination, for a kid.

I bet you did.

- You care for a walk? - All right.

- Doesn't she ever go out for lunch? - On a diet.

I didn't think it'd be like this, Amalgamated Wallpaper.

Didn't you?

Not when I came for the interview.

It's a building riddled with intrigue and romance.

Hey hey hey!

Now, what I suggest to start with is

prawn cocktail, or smoked salmon, or Pété Maison.

- Go on. - Followed very quickly by scampi.

So, well, anyway the fish course.

And then?

What about Duck é l'Orange?

- The what? - It's duck with oranges.

And some vino. Mustn't forget the vino.

Something not too heavy for the middle of the day.

Oh, it is a celebration.

Oh, I think you're entitled to much more on your birthday.

Am I?

I think you're entitled to

a candlelit dinner, champagne in a bucket.

Well, the full floorshow at least.

- It's very nice here. -lt's not bad, is it?

I've been here once or twice before. It's very handy for business lunches.

They know me here, actually.

There's no hurry.

We haven't got all that much time.

- Many happy returns of the day. - Thank you.

- You've never asked. - What?

- How old I am. - How old are you?

- Well, guess, go on. -16.

Thank you.

No, no.

25.

Thank you. I'm 24.

And I'm 37.

-It's not too bad. - Don't you think so, really?

Halibut's off.

Well, we don't want halibut.

We don't want anything to do with halibut, do we?

- Now, what have you got to start with? - Soup of the day.

- What? - Soup of the day.

Well, I'll have that.

Well, all right.

- Now, what about the main course... - Steak pie.

Well, that's it then, isn't it?

Two steak pies, veg goes with it. Drinks?

Yes.

Well, do you have a very light red wine?

No.

- What wine do you have then? - Beaujolais.

- Is that dry? - I wouldn't know, I never touch it.

Well, look, all right. We'll have half a bottle of that, then.

I'm afraid this place has gone down the hill a bit since I was last here.

It doesn't matter.

- You have very nice eyes. - Have I?

Hmm, they're very honest. They look as if they'd never tell a lie.

Well...

Not unless it was absolutely necessary.

- Let me see your hand. - What for?

I'm very good at reading hands.

What an endless life.

- That's funny. - What?

Not much to have passion.

Hands can be very misleading.

Many happy returns!

We're not interrupting anything, are we?

- Sheila's got engaged! - Oh, he actually did it!

We came to celebrate but there's no table.

Well, then sit down. Well, sit down anyway.

- You sure you don't mind? - No.

Well, it is a big table.

We came to get away from the canteen food.

Well, so did we, actually.

Martin said we could be engaged if it wasn't for that wife he's got.

This is Sylvester on the isle of Wight.

He's a bit uh...round the edges.

He looks very strong.

She's a drag, that wife of Martin's. He keeps saying I should meet her.

He gets these super legs of his 'cause he bicycles such a lot.

And what about those bunny rabbits we had to do today.

Those bunny rabbits, floxy foxies, baby elephants...

You know a lot about wine, don't you?

Well, it's hardly room temperature, is it?

I haven't measured it, dear.

- Sylvester loves wine. - Beaujolais.

Why don't you give Sheila a glass?

Sol told her honestly,

I said, "Bunny rabbits on wallpaper went out with the ark."

I said, "Why not try bulls like Picasso?"

But you never get her to be contemporary.

- Super wine. - Yes, it is, isn't it'?

- L think bulls will be pleasant. - Bulls or goats?

You got a match? I'd love to do something really idiotic with goats.

You never told me whether you liked my ring.

Sylvester went to three shops before he chose it.

He says it matches the colour of my eyes. Do you think it does?

Box of matches.

- On your own? - Well, that's what it amounts to.

- You're sure this is enough for you? - Enough for what?

- For lunch. - Yes, I don't really care about lunch.

It's better in the evenings.

What?

The pictures.

I'm sorry.

It's all right.

Now observe the emotional structure.

But particularly notice the interrelationship of form.

Now, the painters of this erotic school of Flemish painting

used the figure not as form, but as figure.

Now, this delicate study in human relationship

reflects a passion and an excitement

which, alas, is often too rare in this 20th century.

Wilkinson.

Excuse me, sir, you're interrupting the lecture.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Now, this is an exquisite scene,

set in a pure romantic landscape.

But above all it is a scene of human happiness.

It's a big town.

I mean, it has seven million inhabitants.

Seven million.

There's no end to it. Stretches as far as the eye can see.

It certainly does that.

Look at all those new building projects.

Redevelopment. Think what's invested in all that lot.

Millions.

- Well, there must be somewhere. - What?

Well, where we could go.

You'd think there would be.

I love you.

Say it again.

I love you.

If I was to find somewhere,

would you go in your lunch hour?

Would you?

Yes.

Hey, you. What do you think you're up to?

Come back! Come here!

Can I help you at all?

Oh, yes.

Why, you have the Rotarians lunching here next month?

Yes, we always help out the Rotarians.

Yeah.

Will you be with some?

No. Not on that occasion.

I'm a member naturally, yes. I have been for years.

But nevertheless, not on that occasion.

- Oh, dear, dear, dear, dear, dear. - My friends will be there.

Yes, most of my good friends.

- Well, that is, I... - Six passengers...

They recommended this hotel to me.

They said they always got very good service here.

They said it was very sympathetic.

Well, that's very kind of them.

Oh, I've heard they always got every kindness from your own good self.

- Yeah, I've heard that. - I try to do my best...

I'm sure, what they said. Their very words.

So, um, when I was faced with this problem...

What problem?

Well, it's more of a family matter, as it so happens.

- Your family'? - Yes, that's right.

You see, well, it's a question of accommodation but,

it's rather complicated.

Well, we do lot of family accommodation in this hotel.

Yes, that's what I heard.

Well, it might take a little time to explain.

Well, come along to my private office, Mr...

Smith. Harcourt Smith.

Harcourt Smith.

Yes, we do a lot for the Rotary.

Splendid organisation.

Have you ever spoken?

Taxi!

You see, I was faced with this terrible problem.

- How could a man and a... - Girl.

-...without any kind of luggage... - Well, we've got no luggage.

...come here just for the lunch hour?

- Your only free time. - Yeah.

So, I told...

Well, I told her a very good story.

- Story? What story? - Mmm.

I said we needed the room for an hour's good talk.

Well, couldn't we do that in the lounge?

No, there's no privacy.

- Well, what about at your place? - No.

I told her I had the most terrible landlady, a real dragon.

Wouldn't allow visitors of the opposite sex.

I said she even put up a notice about it in the hall.

- You told the manageress that? - Yeah.

Well, she was sorry for me when I told her that I couldn't use

my digs for our little talk.

- Talk? - Hmm.

Well, what are we going to say for all this length of time?

Nothing.

Well, wouldn't that be letting her down?

We've got the room, that's all that matters.

Hmm, it's not all that sordid, really.

Look at that wallpaper. Plenty of repeats.

- Yes, it's Windsor. - That's not Windsor, it's...

- What? -lt's Edinburgh, the keep.

No, it's not. It's Windsor. You can tell by that flag that keeps turning out.

Please! If there's one thing I do know, it's wallpaper.

Oh, what does it matter?

Let's make ourselves at home, take off our coats.

It's cold.

I'll light the fire.

Oh, they don't take shillings.

- Damn! -l'll look.

Would it take sixpences? I know I've got two sixpences.

Now you've lost your money.

- It doesn't matter. -l'll give it back to you.

- It couldn't matter less. - You'll be short of a coffee.

- No, really. - Here you are. Sixpence, sevenpence...

I don't want your money!

I thought I'd just pop up and see if you had everything you wanted.

Oh.

Oh, that's very nice of you. Isn't that nice, dear?

Oh, I just wanted to make sure you were comfortable.

Perfectly comfortable, thank you very much.

You're cold.

I suppose a journey does make you cold, doesn't it?

- A what? - Long journey by train.

I was just trying to light the gas fire, but, uh, short of a shilling.

Oh, I'll have to see what I can do to help you.

- Raining much up your way, was it? -My way?

- Yes. - Which way?

No, I think the lady is referring to the north of England, dear.

- The what? - Just a smattering of rain

up north this morning.

- Didn't you say that, dear? - I don't know.

I expect the train was going too fast for her to notice.

- An express? - That's right.

Well, they can be fast. Was it the Scotsman?

- Why? - Was what?

The Flying Scotsman.

My little nephew collects engine numbers.

Oh, many the time he's seen the Flying Scotsman

standing at the end of the platform, puffing and blowing.

- Yes. Would you like a cup of tea? - Not at all.

- Wouldn't you? - Well, I wouldn't...

Isn't that husbands for you?

Never appreciate the plain and simple fact that what we ladies need

after a long, cold train journey, is a nice homemade cup of tea.

But she had an early lunch on the train.

That doesn't take the place, dear, does it?

- What of? - A cup of tea.

Now, I won't take no for an answer.

- All right. - Well, just a very quick cup then.

Right.

Which one of us has gone out of our minds?

It was a story I told, to get the room.

- Well, go on. - Why?

Well, I've got a right to know who I am, haven't I?

Well, what difference does it make'?

Makes a difference to me.

All right. Well, I said you were my wife

and I said that you'd just come up for the day.

That's why we shan't be overnight. And that's why there's no luggage.

My wife's just coming up, I said, for the day trip.

- Where have I come from? - What?

- Where have I come from, for the day? - What's it matter?

Well, she's coming back again, isn't she?

How could I stand there, talking to her, and drink her tea,

and not even know where I've come from?

I think you better tell me all about it.

I mean, honestly, I'm confused myself at this moment.

Well, I had to think of somewhere, so I hit on, um, Scarborough.

Where?

Scarborough. Y mks.

You said I lived up there?

Yes, and you made a trip up to see me, so that we could talk.

- To see you? - Yeah.

I explained it was such a long way up north

that, well, you couldn't make the journey very often.

All right.

What reason did you give her for not living in Scarborough too?

What's the matter with you? Can't you stand the climate?

Are you delicate or something?

- No, I said I've got digs in London. - Thank you very much.

No, it's one of those separations that can't be helped, you see.

Now, they moved me down here to the London office.

Well, we've got this house in Scarborough...

So you're there. Only temporary, of course.

- Is that the way to treat a wife? - You're not my wife.

That's one consolation.

Look, I'm in love with you, remember?

That's all that matters. They were just things I had to say.

- I suppose so. - Oh, will you stop worrying then?

- Why? - Look, we're alone, really alone.

We've got this place all to our own two selves.

Now, drink that down, and you'll feel the benefit.

- You must be worn out. - She's not very tired.

They are a strain. On a long journey, they can...

What are?

I know the tricks they get up to. Running up and down the corridor.

Poking their nose into the first class,

playing with the chickens in the guard's van,

getting themselves locked up in the oohjar.

It's like a sort of dream.

Oh! Never seen London before, have they, your little lot?

Their first Tube and double-decker?

If l know anything, it'll be the Chamber of Horrors for you, this afternoon.

Will it?

Do you know what my little Bobby does on a long journey?

How can I possibly tell?

- Have you finished your tea? -lt's hot.

- Well, you don't want it? - I might as well finish it.

On a long journey, young Bobby takes out his box of crayons,

chalks the marks of an infectious disease on his face

-before the journey commences. - What for?

To ensure privacy in the compartment.

- Oh, does it work? - Nine times out of 10.

- And if not... - Yes?

If not, he can make it pretty sticky for those who do venture in.

But why I was telling you about the Chamber of Horrors, was this.

When his cousins come on a visit from the north,

it's always down the stairs at Madame Tussauds

that they make their first port of call.

Ours don't like that sort of thing. Have you finished your tea, darling?

They don't like Madame Tussauds?

Nervous, gentle children, weak on history.

You'll want to take the cup and saucer, won't you?

- Our children. - Our what?

Our two little headaches, darling.

We wouldn't be without them for the world.

- Our two? - Well, after the little girl,

your husband must've been thrilled to get his boy.

Congratulations.

Well, um, time's getting on, isn't it?

Oh, yes, I mustn't sit here chattering with you all day.

Pleasant as it is. Oh, dear me, no.

Your youngsters will be excited though, won't they?

Seeing Auntie again.

- Who's Auntie? - Just someone I told her about.

- What a lot you told her! - To get the room.

- I suppose so. - Because I honestly love you.

All the same...

I do seem to have a whole lot of relatives I never knew existed.

- Why aren't the children with us? - Ah!

What do you mean, "Ah"?

Well, that needed a bit of explanation.

- I should think it did. - Had me floored to start with.

- Go on. - But then I thought...

Well, there's really no reason why I shouldn't have a relative of some kind.

So I invented Auntie. She's my, uh, elder sister.

- Lives near the Heath. -ls that a good thing?

Well, I said it was a godsend.

She's kindly offered to look after the children.

- They're with her now? - Well, she's quite capable.

A hospital matron, that's what she used to be.

I should think they must be

totally confused in their tiny little minds.

- Confused? - Utterly bewildered.

- Why? - For God sake, what's it all about?

Those tiny little children are woken out of their beds

at what must have been a cruelly early hour in Scarborough,

and dragged all the way to London,

only to be dumped with some ex-matron of an aunt

while we scurry off to a small private hotel.

And another thing about those children, where are they going to spend the night?

- Well, I... I did say... -Go on.

- You can't mean... - You did, you want to get back.

- To Scarborough? - Well, after all, it is your home.

Um, only temporary, of course.

Scarborough... Scarborough...

Scarborough, 4-3-9-8-5, early closing Wed.

London... 203 miles!

That's 406 miles a day

you would laughingly see me travel with two tiny children,

who'd be dropping asleep by the time we reached home.

And supposing we couldn't find a taxi...

I don't think you're fit to have children.

I haven't got any...

Haven't I given birth to them and all that?

All you can think of doing is sending them on long, exhausting,

and pointless journeys practically the whole length of British Isles.

- Will you please... - Three lives you've got in your hands.

- Three! - I was desperate!

Then why couldn't you come up at the weekend?

- Well? - They put up the fares.

- That's a good excuse. - What?

- Very convenient excuse. - Look, who do you think I am?

I don't know what you do to these shirts...

I mean, I'm not the Commissioner of Transport, I don't decide the policy

-of the railways. - All right, then!

All right.

What's going on in that office of yours?

What do you mean, what's going on?

Well, I don't suppose it's staffed entirely by men, is it?

No.

No, there are a few girls in the drawing office.

- Oh, you never talk about them. - Well, there's nothing to say, really.

What have you put that on for?

- I mustn't forget my train. - Well, the clock's going.

I don't trust it.

Well, of course you can't miss your train, can you?

You've got to see all those girls get to work safe and sound on Monday morning.

Look, I'm telling you, I have no communication with them.

The executive side get tea in our office,

and the girls have theirs by a trolley in the corridor.

- You mean you never meet them? - Only in passing.

- They've been on about the fence again. - What?

Diane's rabbit got through into Mr Plumstead's garden.

- He's going to get on to the council. - Well, I'll see to it.

He said you said that last year. He's lost all his best chrysanthemums.

- Look, I said I'll see to it. -"Why don't you ask your husband?"

And I said, "Oh, he's not here long enough to unblock a drain."

I said I might as well go to evening classes, plumbing and carpentry.

Look, I'll give it a full day the next time I'm out.

What are they? Art students?

- What are what? - Those girls in the drawing office.

Yeah, some of them went to art school.

I read an exposure on art schools last Sunday.

- Look, they're very nice girls. - Mmm-hmm.

They're very well educated, some of them.

Well, that makes it worse, doesn't it?

Makes what worse?

Well, the things they get up to at art school, on government grants.

Listen. Some of them may have been to art school...

I don't deny that. But now they are very, very quiet girls.

Some of them have to be in by 11:00 at night.

- In where? - In their hostels.

Oh! The hostels.

Yes. Very strict they are in those places.

Well, you certainly seem to know a lot about their private habits.

Oh, they chat with us sometimes in the tea break.

- In the what? - Over a cup of tea.

I thought you said the executive side had tea in their offlce.

Oh, for God's sake.

Well, the next time you want to go out into their corridor

to talk to a lot of girls with long hair and black stockings, ask them.

Ask them what?

Ask them if they'd like to do your shirts for you.

I've got to be going.

-I'm sorry, love. - That's all right.

Oh, it's just being stuck out here in Scarborough.

Well, we're on a housing list in London.

Priority.

Any year now.

It's just we've got no choice.

Well, being out here at the end of a long, cold railway line,

well, I naturally get to thinking.

What?

That you're cultivating your friendships in the office.

I told you we hardly ever see them.

- You'll be late for your train. - Oh, yeah.

Going to see them before you go?

Oh, yes, of course.

Well, goodbye then.

- I might ask you to come up next time. - What?

I might fix you up with an outing to London.

I can't leave the children.

Well, we'll arrange something. It might be important.

What do you mean? Oh, for heaven's sake...

-I'll send you a postcard. - What do you mean?

Mummy.

Mummy.

- Can I have an ice-cream? - Shh. I'm trying to listen.

The charge will be three shillings and sixpence.

Will you have the money ready, please?

I want an ice-cream.

All right. All right.

Have you got the money ready?

Yes. Yes, I have.

Ronnie, bring that shilling back here.

- But you said I could! - Give back the money like Mummy said.

It's not fair.

Look, Ronnie, that's all the change I've got.

- Now, bring it back here. - All right, Mummy. I'll make him.

Ronnie! Ronnie!

I beg your pardon?

Oh, just a moment.

I got a token. Can I put it in for you?

- Oh, thank you sweetie. Oh, Susan. - You need the money now.

Daddy, Daddy, it's a rabbit!

Give me that. Thank you.

I want to tell Daddy about the rabbit!

- We promised we would though! - Stop it!

Poor Elvis, he's been sick, Daddy. Twice, sick.

I think he's going to have a baby.

I'll do it.

Wasn't that a silly thing to do?

Will you please try and reconnect me?

London, central, 7-5-5-0.

- London, central, 7-5-5-0. - There's no need to be nervous,

he's kind to children.

Extension 307, please.

- Engaged. Will you wait? - Mes.

So long as they don't show their fear.

Then he's liable to get very vicious.

- Look, will you please take him away? - Through now.

Is that you, darling?

He's been sick, Daddy. Twice, poor old Elvis.

How are you, Daddy?

Will you take him away?

- Go and get your comic. - What did you say?

Look, I got your postcard. What do you want to talk about then?

I want you to come up to London.

When?

Well, I thought... On Tuesday.

-I've got the comic. - Stop.

What did you say that for?

Not you.

Well, look, can you come up?

What about the kids?

Well, bring them, too.

Auntie will be glad to look after them. it's just for the day.

What do you want to talk about?

I thought we might meet at a hotel I've found.

It's called the Durbar, private, residential,

near the station. A taxi will take you there.

It's convenient for the north of England.

But what do you want to talk about?

Well, I'll tell you when I see you...

Three minutes. Do you wish extra time?

Yes, no. Please, please tell me.

I'll see you on Tuesday. Now, you catch the 6:00 a.m.

it arrives at 11:30. it's quite a decent train.

Please.

All right then.

"So the poor, old bug jumped back into the water.

"And there was the naughty earwig sitting

"safe and sound on Grandma's feet, patiently.

"'I'm cold,' said the earwig."

Shh. Look, stop it, can't you?

-I'm amusing you. - You're not.

Why are we going to London?

"Hello", said the earwig.

Oh, shut up about that silly old earwig.

- Would you like a biscuit? - It isn't silly!

- Yes, please. - All right. Then sit properly.

It's a lovely story.

All right, darling. We know. We just don't all want to hear it.

- That's all. - Who don't all want to hear it?

- All the people. - Oh, them.

Why are we going to London?

- Would you like a drink? - Yes, please.

What's that place?

- Grantham. - Oh? How far?

I think it's about two hours.

- Two hours. - But why are we going to London?

- To see your Auntie. - We don't like Auntie.

She sort of crackles when she walks.

Look, now, you'll have a lovely time at your Auntie's.

No, we won't.

Well, what are you and Daddy going to do?

Well, it seems like we're going to talk.

Look at you. What's your Auntie going to say now?

The child's sopping wet.

We had an accident.

Well, he'll have to go right upstairs and change.

I should have thought you would have known what that can lead to.

Well, they were up early. They were a bit tired.

Bronchitis and pneumonia before you can say Jack Robinson,

with complications.

They do look tired, I must say.

- We've had a very long journey. - Well, I won't ask you in.

I'll have plenty to do looking after these.

I'll go through their mending, of course.

They're mended perfectly well, thank you.

Of course. It's too much to expect anyone to darn a pair of knickers

when there's all this free entertainment in the home.

I know what it is nowadays.

Sit and watch television while all our underclothes fall to pieces.

They've had all new ones, I can assure you.

They have to, of course, when they get past mending.

No wonder your husband looks worried.

He wants to talk to you, doesn't he?

- That's what he said. -lt's none of my business.

I told him that the first day he ever married you.

I won't interfere, I told him.

We've all got to work out our own salvation.

I'll be back for them as soon as I can.

Don't hurry yourself.

Give me time to tidy these youngsters up a bit.

First of all,

we can all do with a good scrub behind the ears,

can't we?

Why couldn't we talk at Auntie's?

Well, the manageress did raise that.

I'm raising it, too.

- Of course, it was out of the question. - Why?

Well, Auntie wouldn't have entertained me like that.

- Oh, wouldn't she'? - I mean, it takes all sorts.

What's wrong with Auntie?

- Why did she treat me like that? - Like what?

Like I was a nasty mess in the outpatients'.

Well, there's no point in digging up that old buried hatchet.

- Which? - Well, you see...

You and Auntie never exactly hit it off.

Oh'?

I told the manageress that

Auntie refused to come to our wedding.

Oh, did she?

And since then, well,

there's been a bit of an east wind blowing between you.

Auntie? Who does she think she is?

No, it wasn't your fault. I told the manageress.

Look, it's just one of things that happens in all families.

You certainly did your best. I give you all the credit.

Who does she think she is?

Ex-matron indeed! What's that?

Florence Nightingale? Madame Curie?

What's her great achievement?

Rolling up some royalty in a blanket bath'?

Being present at the removal of a so-called appendix

for a so-called film star

in a nameless nursing home in Golders Green?

I know those type of matrons. Heartless!

Knit and gossip ail night, drink cocoa in the face of death.

Snob, refusing to attend the reception my father can ill afford.

She's not real.

She's real to me.

- Now, listen... - Snobs!

That's the one thing we can't tolerate in my family, thank God.

There's one type of person that just seems to me so low,

that I couldn't get any lower if I got down on my stomach

-and wriggled under the door. - But look, all I'm trying to say...

My father's been an ordinary bus driver for 20 years

and there's only one type of person that he wouldn't give house room to

in any circumstances, and that's a snob!

Also, he can't put up with the Welsh.

Look. Look, all I said was

that Auntie had old-fashioned ideas.

- You mean you told her? - What?

Well, about us in the lunch hours.

- Where have you got me now? - Where have you got yourself?

I found a shilling for you.

There. Now, who's got a match?

There now.

That makes it more cosy and home-like, doesn't it?

Oh, dear.

You won't be using all that shillings worth now, will you?

Oh, well, you can be good Samaritans to the next occupants.

Oh, a nice fire is nice to talk by.

Oh, and you'll be wanting to get on with your discussion.

Yes.

Well,

if you'll let me have the change.

- We had two sixpences. - We put them down the slot.

I've only got ninepence change after that taxi.

Well, you asked me to get the shilling, I distinctly heard you.

Well, yes. We did.

Well, naturally, I thought you had the change to give me for it.

I've got a pound note.

That's not very convenient.

How can I change a pound note at short notice?

I don't know.

I had to send out for that shilling.

- We've given you a shilling already. - What?

My two sixpences straight down the slot with no result at all.

- Oh, really'? - Well, you can't expect

to get any more out of me.

Me? I'm not making a penny out of it.

That goes straight to the North Thames Gas.

With the price of the room, add on two shillings for gas?

I've never had any complaints before.

How much was the room? Well, tell me. How much'?

- Well, two guineas. - For an hour?

It's no concern of mine if you have to leave after an hour.

Two guineas an hour, that's 48 guineas a day

for a broken-down old bed and peeling wallpaper

and a gas fire that's daylight robbery.

And the use of the chiming clock and the ABC of trains.

Ha! We're in the wrong business.

I knew it didn't pay to be creative.

I've been 25 years in this area,

as manageress of this private hotel.

And I've never heard words like that spoken to me before.

Well, it's about time.

And what about that little nephew of yours?

What about him?

Playing round the stations, going round all the telephones

and pressing the button Bs I should think, most likely.

I've a very good mind to...

- There's a law about people like you. - I tried to give you a warning...

Well, some people work for their living.

...because I was sorry for you and you'd had a train journey.

Look, take this pound note.

Please, please don't bother to come back with the change.

"Peeling wallpaper."

Let me tell you, I've had government officials

sleep in this very room.

Indian gentlemen,

and very nicely spoken.

"Peeling wallpaper."

Only, I was sorry for the fix you and your husband were in.

I agreed to take you for the hour.

He wanted to talk to you, you see, about a very important matter.

And well he might.

I thought she'd never go.

- Well, she's gone now. - We've only got 15 minutes left.

- I know. - Won't you take off your coat?

- I dread it. - Why?

If anyone says, "I want to talk to you", I get this sick feeling,

I start to shake, that's what happens.

Ever since I've been a child, it's been the same since I can remember.

The head designer may say, "I'd like a word with you this afternoon."

And my father said, "Be home early next Wednesday afternoon.

"We've got something to talk over."

And I just start to sweat in the palms of my hands.

And whatever they've got to say, I don't want them to say it, so please,

please, I don't want you to talk to me!

I'm not going to talk to you.

- What? - There's nothing to worry about.

Why did you say that then?

Say what?

That you wanted me

for a serious talk.

- Listen. - No!

We've got so little time, and if this goes wrong...

- What? - Well, what have we got left?

It seems I've always got the children...

Don't you understand? You can't...

You're the only one I care about. It's true.

And I sit at home with the labour-saving devices

and the bright red hang-it-yourself wallpaper

and that Scandinavian lampshade,

I just think about you all the time.

And now we've won ourselves this bit of time. Please...

Don't waste it.

No.

I did love you.

- What were you going to say? - Nothing.

But it must have been something of great importance.

I told you, it was nothing.

But you're not the sort of man to bring a woman all this way

just to discuss the weather, are you?

I never even thought...

Hour after hour, through that long journey,

the thought going round and round and round in my head,

“What's he got to say?

“What's so bad it can't be said on the telephone?"

Do you think I've had much sleep since you told me?

Do you care?

- Don't you understand? - Not yet.

You haven't told me yet. Let's face it now.

- Let's get it out of the way at last. - There's nothing to say...

Or are you the sort of man who'd bring his wife

all this way to tell her something of great importance

and then shut up as tight as an oyster?

- No, of course not. - Coming to look at you,

I think that's the sort of man you might be.

I'm not. Listen...

Because it can only be one thing, can't it?

For me to have come all this way to hear it,

it can only be one logical thing.

- What? - What's the matter with you?

Do you want me to say it for you?

- Well, if you know what it is... - Well, of course I know.

Are you scared now? Don't you dare to tell me?

Well, of course. I don't know what you're talking about.

It was all right once in a while, wasn't it?

Coming up every other weekend when you were feeling jealous

to get your shirts mended, when you had no one else to do it for you.

It's not true.

But now there is someone else, isn't there?

Someone from your place of employment with no ties,

like two tiny children trailing around after her.

- Well, go on, say it! -lt's not. I can't.

Be kind, try and put it nicely.

"It's no one's fault. We weren't really suited.

"We just drifted apart.

"L just wasn't cut out to be a husband."

Well, that's true anyway!

All right.

It's all over. It's finished. I'll give you your freedom!

We're not going to be married any more!

That's not part of the story.

Oh, yes, it is.

It had to end somehow, didn't it?

Can you think of another ending?

There must be one somewhere.

I've got to be getting back.

It's all over, isn't it?

You should never have explained our presence.