Original subtitles

("I Love Lucy" theme song playing)

ANNOUNCER: And now, "I Love Lucy."

(applause)

Oh, honey, what a show!

That scene where the girl sacrificed herself

to save the whole village-- well, it was just wonderful.

Isn't that great?

Yeah, and weren't those Scotch costumes colorful?

The men in the kilts and the bagpipes and the sword dance!

Oh, gee, I enjoyed it.

Yeah, I did, too.

Ricky, I've got an idea!

No!

You don't even know what it is.

Oh, yes, I do.

You want to go to Scotland

and look up your mother's relatives.

You think you're so smart.

That wasn't it at all.

That was the farthest thing from my mind.

All right, what was your idea?

Well, why can't we go to Scotland?

I promised Mother that, that I'd look up

some of the McGillicuddy clan.

Maybe bring back a bolt of the family plaid, you know.

Just forget it.

Oh, why, honey? No.

(knock at door) Scotland isn't very far.

Come in!

It wouldn't take very long to go to Scotland.

Hi, honey! Oh, hi, hi!

We waited up to see how you like the show.

Oh, I just loved it!

What is that?

Well, it's a dragon. I bought it

to take home for little Ricky.

I thought it was something different.

Well, it's different all right.

Well, I have never seen anything like this before.

Really? Well, when I was a kid,

they had toy dragons.

ETHEL: Do you think it'll scare little Ricky?

Oh, no, he'll love it.

Ethel, how would you like to go to Scotland?

Scotland!

Yeah.

Yeah, she wants to go to Scotland

to look for some of her mother's relatives.

Look, honey, Scotland is a big place.

You can't just get off the train and walk up to someone

and say, "Take me to the nearest McGillicuddy."

I know just where to look.

My great-great-great-grandfather was Angus McGillicuddy.

He lived in the wee town of Kildoonan in Northern Scotland.

It's between Golspie and Ullapool.

Oh, you must have made that up.

I did not. Now, look, all I want to do

is send a wire up there

and see if any of our relatives are still around.

All right. I'd like to hear you

explain to the operator about Gillhooly

between Galespie and Babalu and the Cranafranz.

Aa-ah!

Hello, uh, I'd like to send a telegram, please.

Good night, honey.

Good night, baby.

(makes kissing sounds)

(chuckling)

Angus McGillicuddy.

(laughing harder)

What's so funny about Angus McGillicuddy?

Oh, nothing, nothing.

It's a very ordinary, everyday name.

I know a hundred of them.

You should talk.

I'll bet your great-great-great- grandfather's name

was probably Enchilada Ricardo.

All right, good night.

'Night.

Oh, you take the high road

And I'll take the low road...

(mimics bagpipes playing song)

Lucy, turn off those bagpipes!

(song fading out)

Now go to sleep.

Aye, laddie!

Good night.

Hoot mon!

(townspeople murmuring)

Calm yourselves, my friends, calm yourselves!

Mayor Ferguson, is there noo way

to save our happy home?

Noo, there's noo way.

As you're all aware,

the ferocious dragon comes to Kildoonan every 30 years

to eat a McGillicuddy, and for the first time in our history,

there's not a single member of old Angus McGillicuddy's clan

left to throw to the monster.

(music begins) Then we must flee.

Aye! It's either flee or dee.

Tis nae a braw bricht nicht tonicht!

TOWNSPEOPLE: 'Tis nae, 'tis nae

There's a terrible two-headed dragon

Who can swallow with either head

If he dinna' fill his toupe wi' McGillicuddy soup

He'll ruin Kildoonan instead

TOWNSPEOPLE: Ruin Kildoonan instead!

Ruin Kildoonan instead!

Ah, to find a McGillicuddy would take a bonnie wizard!

There's nary a man o' bonnie clan

They're all in the dragon's gizzard

TOWNSPEOPLE: All in the dragon's gizzard

All in the dragon's gizzard.

(all wailing)

ALL: Nae a braw bricht nicht!

(applause)

Pardon me, but are you the mayor?

Aye. Who are you?

Oh, well, I'm Lucy,

the great-great- great-granddaughter

of Angus McGillicuddy.

McGilli...

Do you hear that, lads?

She's a McGillicuddy!

(all cheering)

Well, golly, what a welcome!

I didn't know you'd be this glad to see me!

Lucy McGillicuddy, you look good enough to eat!

(laughter)

Well!

How can we be sure the lass is a real McGillicuddy?

Oh, I am, I am.

Cross my heart and hope to dee.

Well, then you can prove it.

Let us see you do the Sworrrd Dance!

The Sworrrd Dance?

Aye. You can dance it, aye?

Aye.

TOWNSPEOPLE: Aye.

Ay-ay-ay.

Bring out the swords!

On with the Sword Dance!

Come along, Lucy.

(bagpipes and drums playing)

(song ends)

(music resumes)

(music stops abruptly)

(drumroll)

(drumroll)

(bagpipes begin playing)

(bagpipes and drums playing)

(cymbals clashing)

(moans of disappointment)

Well, I am a McGillicuddy.

Aye, that you ar-r-e!

There never was a McGillicuddy could dance worth a hoot!

Oh!

Aye, do you know what that means, lads?

Ha, ha, ha!

A McGillicuddy is here!

(all cheering, music begins)

When you meet a McGillicuddy

Coming through the rye

Then you've got a real buddy

Who for you would die!

TOWNSPEOPLE: There's nothing a McGillicuddy would not do for ye

Do you want her shirt, her kilt, her cat?

Ha, ha!

She'll give you that

That's me!

Give a cry! Hiye!

A cry! Hiye!

A cry and a yell and a cheer

Give a cry and a yell and a hoot and a hiye

A McGillicuddy is her-r-e!

ALL: Give a cry and a yell and a hoot and a hiye

A McGillicuddy is here!

(piano playing)

Oh, 'tis very nice to see a McGillicuddy face

Even though it nae may be very long around this place

If you're a McGillicuddy,

you're a heck of a regular fella.

Yeah, well, my mother was a Cuddy

and my father was a Megillah.

There's nothing a McGillicuddy would not do for ye

If it's feed you need or a friendly chat

She'll give you that

That's me!

Give a hoot A hoot

Give a hoot A hoot

Give a hoot and a yell and a cheer

Give a hoot and a yell and a cry and a hiye

A McGillicuddy is here

ALL: Give a hoot and a yell and a cry and a hiye

A McGillicuddy is here!

(piano playing)

You make me feel so welcome

You really have the knack

And though I've not been here before

I su-r-re am glad I'm back!

(amicable laughter)

Some cousins of my mother's

Are they around here yet?

The McGillicuddy brothers?

Aye.

Ha, ha, ha!

Hail fellas-- well et!

(laughter)

Ther-r-e's

ALL: nothing a McGillicuddy would not do for ye

I'd give you my Davy Crockett hat

My shillings, my fillings

My cricket bat

My candied yams, my brandied quince

My TV antenna, my henna rinse!

To save us strife

TOWNSPEOPLE: She'll give us her life!

That's me!

(drum beating with footsteps)

That's me?

Give a yeoww! Yeoww!

Burrr! Burrr!

A yeoww and a burrr And a cheer

Give a yeoww and a burrr and a burrr and a yeoww

A McGillicuddy is here!

LUCY: Give a yih and a hih and a who and a wha'

A McGillicuddy was h-h-here

TOWNSPEOPLE: A McGillicuddy is here

A McGillicuddy is here

A McGillicuddy is here

A McGillicuddy is here

A McGill-i-cuddy is here!

(song ends)

All right.

Take her to the inn and fatten her up!

She looks a wee bit bony.

Come along, me bony lassie.

What do you mean, fatten me up?

What's the matter with everybody?

You were just so glad to see me a minute ago!

Aye, that we were, and that we are.

Well, what about a hut and hoo

and a what and a burrr and all that stuff?

Oh, take her away!

(clamoring)

Aye, here comes Scotty MacArdo,

and he's in a terrible dither!

Mayor!

Aye, Scotty.

Mayor!

Mayor, I'm in a terrible dither.

I just saw the dr-r-agon.

No!

When did he arrive?

Last nicht.

Last nicht?

Last nicht.

I could see him because there was a bra bricht

moonlicht nicht last nicht.

We must flee!

R-r-run! R-r-run!

Not so fast! not so fast!

Hold your britches.

What britches?

The one you wear under your kilts.

You're supposed to wear britches?

Scotty, Scotty, we found a McGillicuddy.

A real McGillicuddy?

Aye, aye.

And I hereby assign you to keep an eye on her

till we can throw her to the dragon tomorrow.

Aye.

She's in the inn, and do not let her oot.

Aye.

ALL: A McGillicuddy is here.

A McGillicuddy is here.

A McGillicuddy is here.

A McGillicuddy is here.

RICKY (sotto voce): A McGillicuddy is here.

A McGillicuddy is here.

Are you a McGillicuddy?

That's right.

My name is Lucy.

I'm sorry, Miss Lucy.

I kinna let you pass.

Why not?

I'm your bodyguard.

I'm Scotty MacTavish MacDougall MacArdo.

You're Scotch?

Aye.

My great-great- great-grandfather

sailed to Scotland with the Spanish Armada.

Perhaps you've heard of him-- Enchilada Ricardo.

Why are you lookin' at me like that,

Scotty MacTavish MacDougall MacArdo?

Lucy, you gaha maha pihee face.

"I gaha "maha pihee face"?

I believe I'm in love with ye.

With me?

Aye.

Little old heather-pickin' me?

It was love at firrrst sight.

But woe is me!

What's the matter?

You're in grave danger.

Why?

They're going to throw a McGillicuddy

to the dragon tomorrow.

They're going to throw me to a dragon?

Aye.

Every 30 years, they throw a McGillicuddy

to the two terrible two-headed dragon for his dinner.

No wonder I'm the last of the McGillicuddys!

I'm in love with the dragon's dinner

The dragon's embraceable dinner

I'll swear my love will e'er be true

I'll serve ye with all me heart

But the hungry dragon will serve ye, too

He'll serve ye a la carte

He'll serve me a la carte?

He'll serve ye a la carte

I'm in love with the dragon's dinner

And the dragon's a drag on me!

I'm in love with the dragon's dinner

The dragon's embraceable dinner

My bonnie chick, you'll always be

You'll fill my every need

But woe is me

I hate to see my chicken fricasseed

"Your chicken fricasseed"?

My chicken fricasseed

You're the stew in the dragon's dinner

And the dragon's a drag on me

Maybe a nip of heather mist

would put ye in the mood?

Well, that would be a novel twist

even the stew would be stewed.

But when that dragon starts to eat,

I'll really get his goat.

I'll kick and I'll scratch and I'll drag my feet

all the way down his throat!

I'm... in love with the dragon's dinner

The dragon's embraceable dinner

Our weddin' day we ne'er will see...

Or our kids that might have been

Kith and kin we ne'er will be...

So kith me while you kin!

So kiss me while you kin!

And kiss me once again

I'm in love, I'm in love

I'm in love, I'm in love

I'm in love, I'm in love

I'm in love, I'm in love

I'm in love with the dragon's dinner

And the dragon's a drag on me!

Why does it always have to be a McGillicuddy the dragon eats?

Oh, that's life, lassie.

It's nature's way.

Cats eat mice,

dogs eat bones,

cows eat grass,

and dragons eat McGillicuddys.

Well, let's you and I go and have a talk

with this terrible two-headed dragon.

Maybe it'll listen to reason.

Well, wha' ha' we got to lose?

Let's go.

(growling and grunting)

(sneezing)

(honking)

I wish you'd get over that cold.

It's driving me crazy!

Aah!

Gee, I haven't eaten in 30 years.

Boy, am I starved!

Me, too!

Mmm... Won't it be good to sink our teeth

into a nice, fresh McGillicuddy?

Aye, yummy, yummy, yum!

How will we have it this time?

How about a McGillicuddy burger?

Nah, no.

Well, what about McGillicuddy foo yong?

Oh, no!

Why not?

Well, we only eat once every 30 years.

You know how that Chinese food is--

you eat it and a year later, you're hungry.

Well, I still want a McGillicuddy foo yong.

Well, I don't!

Well, I do!

Well, I don't! I do!

Well, I don't! I do!

Oh, who ever said two heads are better than one?

Aah...

(music begins)

Two heads are nae better than one, than one

They're not even better than none, than none

So pity a two-headed dragon

Two heads are nae better than one

Hoot mon! Hoot mon!

Whenever I come to a fork in the road

My heads have a terrible fight

My right head wants to go to the left

And my left wants to go to the right!

I want to go this way!

I want to go that!

You see, we could never agree.

Oh, I wish we had another head

to be the referee!

Hoot mon! Hoot mon!

However, there's one good reason

for an extra head to keep.

When I'm too tired to stay awake,

I sing myself to sleep.

Sleep gently, sweet dragon

Just close your wee eyes

And dream of a dinner

Of fresh people pie

The dragon is dreaming

In slumber so deep...

Now get up!

Why did you wake me up?

Because I want to sleep and you...

I don't want you sleeping.

I want to sleep. Oh....

LADY DRAGON: Shh!

I think I hear somebody coming!

Fee, fi, foe, fuddy,

I smell the blood of a McGillicuddy!

Ha!

(growling and snarling)

(roaring)

Hi.

Hi!

Hi. (snapping): Hi!

LADY DRAGON: Oh, one of them must be a McGillicuddy.

Who are you?

I'm Scotty MacArdo.

Well, then she must be...

Yeah, yeah, I'm tomorrow's blue plate special.

Why do you always have to eat a McGillicuddy?

Eat me.

Oh, no, we couldn't do that.

Spanish food gives us heartburn.

Well, then I guess tomorrow

you're... you're really going to... eat me.

(ravenous growling)

(wolf whistle)

What are you whistling at?

Get a load of those drumsticks!

I kinna let you go, Lucy.

I will fight the dragon with my bare hands.

You'll fight the dragon for me?

For bonnie Annie Lucy,

I will lay me doon and dee.

(music begins)

There are moments in a maiden's life

when her days are pure as bliss.

But the moment of them all,

the moment I'll recall,

the blissest of the bliss is this.

For today you will slay me a dragon,

my darling, my hero,

I'm thrilled.

Ah.

It's like we're in a fairy tale,

except you'll probably get killed.

But for 32 bars, let's sing and act merrily.

Life is ours...

Temporarily.

(upbeat music playing)

TOWNSPEOPLE: It's time for romance, so darling let's dance

The dragon waltz

Your life is nill till you know the thrill

Of the dragon waltz.

A dragon's no hoax, he gobbles up folks

Like chocolate malts.

But come what may, let's live for today

ALL: And the dragon waltz.

A lock of your hair

And darling, please swear

Your love's not false

Take this hanky from me...

Aw...

And this brand-new LP.

Xavier MacCougat!

(cymbals clash)

ALL: And the dragon

The dragon

The dragon waltz.

(dragon growling viciously)

The dragon is coming!

MAYOR: Throw the McGillicuddy to it!

No, no, no!

(ravenous growling)

No, no, I don't have to be eaten!

No, no, I don't have to be eaten!

Scotty said he would fight the dragon for me!

Didn't you, Scotty?

Well...

What do you mean, "well"?

You just said for bonnie Annie Lucy,

you would lay you down and die.

I said no such thing.

I said I'd lay me doon and dee.

Well, that's what doon and dee means.

Are you kiddin'?

Go on now, Scotty. Now, come on.

You go. No!

I hope she's nice and tender!

No, no, no! Nice and tender!

(harp plays arpeggio)

What's the matter?

You coward!

(closing flourish playing)

("I Love Lucy" theme song playing)

ANNOUNCER: The original lyrics were by written Larry Orenstein,

original music by Elliot Daniel

the choreography by Jack Baker.

"I Love Lucy" is a Desilu Production.

Lucille Ball and Desi Arnaz

will be back next week at this same time.