All language subtitles for Baby.Baby.Baby.2015.WEBRip.x264-RARBG eng

(MAN AND WOMAN MOANING)

Let's try something different.

(GIGGLES)

That look in your
eyes is scaring me.

I got two words for you.

Yeah?

Handcuffs.

That's just one word.

(BOTH MOANING)

(BED CREAKING)

The key fell in the grate.

I'm sorry.
It's not my fault.

No, that doesn't matter.

It's not about that.

Then what is it about?

(SIGHS) It's about you.

♪ Here we go again

♪ It's all the same

♪ A familiar scene

♪ But we call it
by a different name.

♪ It's an alibi
of innocence

♪ We worked so hard
for it all

♪ To just make sense

♪ But it won't make sense

♪ When it falls apart
the pieces fit

♪ But you won't see it
till you're blinded

♪ You can let it go

♪ Or hold it tight

♪ When you lose your life
you will find it

♪ Oh, la de de da de de da

♪ Oh, la de de da de de da

♪ Oh, la de de da da

♪ Another day begins

♪ Oh, it's nothing new

♪ Lessons come to me
dressed in deja vu

♪ I thought
I had it all... ♪

SYDNEY: Someone once said,

"It's better to
have loved and lost

"than not to
have loved at all."

I wanna punch
that guy in the face.

It's a pretty trippy thing

when your girlfriend
breaks up with you

when she's naked
and handcuffed to a bed.

It's something that
really makes you think.

And the thing I kept
thinking about was, "Why?"

Not, "Why did she
break up with me?"

But, "Why do I get in relationships
in the first place?"

A year later, I was still
asking the same question.

And then I met Sunny.

J.B.: You think dogs are
smarter than people?

SYDNEY: I think
I like them more.

J.B.: We run around trying to pay
our rent, stressed out about

the price of gas,
pussy and cars.

Not necessarily in that order.

Right.

Meanwhile, look at Herman.

Look at your boy.

Just licking the mess out
of his own dick. Yeah.

If he's not smarter, he's
definitely more flexible.

I mean,
look at the way these dogs

interact with each other.
No bullshit.

Look at these two.

(J.B. MIMICS MALE DOG)
"Well, hello."

(MIMICS FEMALE DOG)
"Oh, hi."

"I'm gonna fuck you."

"I expect nothing less.
What do you think?"

"It's a little gamey."

"Well, that's just rude,
isn't it?"

"Who am I kidding?
Tell me how good I am."

(MIMICS FEMALE DOG MOANING)

"I'm done. Bye."

"Bye."

Holy shit.

Look at that.

Hi.

All right.

Taking into account
the fact that

you're desperate
and super pathetic,

I'm gonna give you exactly
five seconds to make a move

before I take over this
operation and make it my own.

SUNNY: Sweet, sweet thing.

Yes. Hi, you sweet thing.

You are so cute.

You're so cute.

One, one thousand.
Two Mississippi.

Three and four and...
All right. Okay.

What do I do?
Use the dog.

SUNNY: Hi.

Hi there, sweetie.

Hi. Hi.

Yeah.
(CHUCKLES)

Is he yours?

Yeah, he's mine.

This one and, uh,
the one over there,

treating his body
like a candy store.

That's Herman.
(LAUGHS)

And, uh, what's this one's name?

This one is named Grandma.

Grandma?

Grandma has balls.

SYDNEY: Yeah, yeah, I know,
Grandma has balls.

No, I just, uh, I like the name.

I thought it'd be funny
to say things like,

"Grandma shit on
the floor again,"

or "I put Grandma
in his cage again."

So, what does that
make you, great grandpa?

That's me, great grandpa.

No, I'm, uh, Sydney. Hi.

Sunny. Hi, Sunny.
Nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you.

I'm sure that you have
some kind of absolute rule

that you never break that
when you're, you know, hiking

or without your friends, or when
you're wearing shorts or something,

that no matter what,
under any circumstance,

you don't give out
your phone number,

but I think you should
give me your phone number,

and I think you should
let me take you out.

Really?

I do.
And why is that?

Because I'm a nice guy,

and because I have a
nice physique, you know.

I eat right, and I have a
strict calisthenic routine,

(CHUCKLES)

and I promise to take you out on a
really nice old-fashioned date.

What do you say? Let me
take you out for a drink,

and, uh, I'll try not
to say anything stupid?

"Alcohol gives you infinite
patience for stupidity."

Sammy Davis, Jr. said that.

Really?
Mmm-hmm.

Okay, so you're available or...

(CHUCKLES) Yes.

SYDNEY: It's scary to
put yourself out there.

We all remember when
we got our first scar

the first time love burned us.

For Roger, it was fifth grade,
Wednesday, lunch period.

Meatloaf day.

Growing up, Roger Waldman
was one of those kids

that needed just a little more
attention than everyone else.

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

Ironically,
it was at this moment,

as he was seeking the love
and attention of his peers

that love first found him.

Roger, can I talk to you?

Yeah.

Megan Hernandez.

Rumor had it
she was an epic slut.

Roger. Roger, do you
know Cathy Kramer?

He had no idea who she was.

Uh, yeah.

Well, she likes you.
Do you like her?

He was 12.

He got a hard-on
if he wore sweatpants.

Yeah. Yeah, I really,
really like her a lot.

Well, she wants you
to ask her out.

Really?

Okay.

Uh, so, Cathy, do you
wanna go out with me?

Okay.

So she wasn't what he expected,

but she was willing.

And that was enough.

Um, you wanna share my brownie?

Okay.

Do you want me to throw
your tray away for you?

(WHISPERS)

She was a real keeper.

Roger?
Hey.

Cathy doesn't wanna go out
with you anymore.

She thinks you're
moving way too fast.

Roger's first love didn't
even make it to recess.

I shouldn't have
drunken all that!

(BELL RINGING)

(RETCHING)

♪ I wanna be normal

♪ I wanna do
normal people things

♪ See what a
normal day brings

♪ Looking around

♪ Learn to be grateful

♪ I'd like to make friends
and settle down

♪ I could paint
gray or overtone

♪ But gray brings me down

Hey.
Hi.

Come on in.

I just need one more minute
to finish getting ready.

Okie-dokie.
Okay.

SYDNEY: This is
a really nice house.

You could live here,
and if you need extra cash,

you could sell crack.

I know it's a mess,
but I love it.

You know, Henry Miller
used to live here.

Is that true?

Well, he bought it
for his girlfriend.

At least, that's what
the landlord told me.

Either way, it's super cheap.

Is it free?

How long
have you lived in L.A.?

I moved here about eight
years ago from Pittsburgh.

Oh, really?

I'm from Philly.
Why did you leave the Burgh?

Pittsburgh is
kind of like Newark

without the cultural advantages.

It's a Johnny Carson quote.

SYDNEY: What, did you buy a
quote book from, like, 1973?

If you quote Vinnie Barbarino,

I'm not taking you to dinner.

SUNNY: No, I collect
stupid quotes.

I have a whole journal
full of them.

My grandpa used to do it,
and then, when he died,

I just kind of
kept the thing going.

SYDNEY: For some reason, when my
grandfather died, he left me his toupee.

I guess he was
really proud of it.

It did look pretty good.

Anyway, who did these paintings?

I did.

Wow.

You look amazing.

And I love your paintings,
they're really great.

Thank you.

Is that what you do,
you're a painter?

Well, it's what I like to do.

But, you know, I'm a bartender.

I get it.
Yeah.

I'm having a little trouble getting
somebody to show these in town.

Confidence is
a bit low so, you know,

I'm willing to take
all the compliments you got.

Well, your hair looks very nice.

I love the color yellow
in that painting over there.

You're very tall, you have a
nice smile, very pleasant aroma.

Your hygiene in general
seems way above average.

Am I doing good?
Wow.

Thank you. Yeah, that's great.
You want some more?

Sure. Bring 'em. Okay. I'll tell
you on the way to dinner. Okay.

Let me see what I can think of.
I like this date already.

I like your dress.
I like your purse.

Your attitude
needs some adjustment.

SUNNY:
So, do you do this often?

SYDNEY: I've never
been here before.

My friend suggested it.

He said he thought
it would be fun,

but I'm beginning to think,
for a long time now,

that he may be an idiot.

(CHUCKLES)

So, you're not a gun guy?
You don't own a gun?

Oh, no, no, no.
I'm too volatile.

I'd probably
wind up shooting myself

'cause I had a bad audition
for, like, a soap commercial.

Jesus.

(GUNSHOT)

Okay, this is like a psychotic
bowling alley, is how I see this.

They're like,
"You're on lane seven,

"here's a gun,
here's some bullets,

"try not to shoot yourself in the
face, try not to shoot anyone else."

I think we should go.
What do you think?

No. We're here.
I wanna shoot guns.

I wanna shoot guns, too.

I wanna fire my sidearm at that

fat Tom Selleck
over there. All right.

(SUNNY LAUGHS)

Come on. You can do it.

Nice shot.

Yeah. I'm done.

You're up.

Okay.

Let's see it, Sundance.

That's amazing.

You shot every single thing
out there except the target.

(CHUCKLES)
You're a miracle!

SUNNY: You know, what I love
about Los Angeles is that

every single cliche you ever
heard about it is true.

That is very true.
(PHONE RINGING)

Hello, it's Felipe.

Pablo. Yeah.

SYDNEY: Where does
he even get his bill?

(BOTH CHUCKLE)

(INDISTINCT TALKING)

So, um, did you always
want to be an actor?

I wanted to be an actor
who did, like, good stuff

like Pacino kind of stuff,
or like Shakespeare.

Instead, I, uh, kind of became
like the Oscar Mayer wiener guy,

(LAUGHS)
stuff like that, you know?

Can't be that bad, come on.

Yeah, I do a lot of commercials.

And, uh, I basically get paid

to make a fool of myself,
you know.

It's kind of brutal at points.

Well, I completely understand

because I cannot wait till I don't
have to serve drinks anymore,

and can just paint
full time, you know?

Yeah. I know
what you mean.

Before I came to
pick you up tonight,

I actually,
uh, wrote a short story.

Okay. What was
the story about?

The worst first date ever.

(CHUCKLES)

And what happens on this date?

The guy dies.

Wow. So, I guess I'm really
lucky that I got dinner then.

You are.
You're lucky you got dinner.

(LAUGHS)

So I'm paying,
is what you're telling me.

Yes, I was gonna
tell you in a bit.

Great. That's fantastic.

What?

How are you still single?

I'm difficult.

How long ago was
your last breakup?

Almost a year. Yours?

Exactly a year.

Did you get your heart broken?

Why don't we just skip that chat

and assume we're both
slightly damaged goods?

Broken heart's
a rite of passage.

No one gets away scot-free.

True that.

SYDNEY: The beginning of a
relationship is a game.

We may not want to
play it, but we do.

The one guy
who tried not to play,

he got burned pretty bad.

This is the story

of Jean-Pierre
and Ms. Evelyn Zingerelli

of Boca Raton, Florida.

(KNOCK ON DOOR)

Everything was
perfect through dinner.

The wine was sweet,
the prime rib was prime,

and Jean-Pierre
a perfect gentleman.

(INHALES
AND EXHALES SHARPLY)

But when the early bird
special dessert arrived,

things took a turn.

Evelyn, I would like to ask you,

do you believe
that men and women

must always play games
with one another?

Or can it be more honest
and true to our nature?

(LAUGHS) I'm too old
to play games.

Then I will go on.

Evelyn,

I wish to enjoy
the wonder of your body

and let you explore mine.

Jean...

I took three Viagras
this afternoon.

And now I am as hard

as a stale Stromboli!

(LAUGHS)

We are animals.

We want to fuck like animals.

I wish to drink
your sweet nectar.

I want your hands upon...

SYDNEY:
Evelyn just sat there

too stunned to speak,
too shocked to move.

Jean-Pierre continued
with his disgusting imagery

and his elaborate
sexual desires.

And then...

Oh!

Jean-Pierre died of a
Viagra-induced heart attack,

and Ms. Evelyn Zingerelli
was left to pay the bill.

For her remaining years, Evelyn
was haunted by the date.

But she could never ignore that little
voice that whispered, "Perhaps."

Perhaps Jean-Pierre
had been right

and this game between the sexes

was a game that did
not need to be played.

It's really, really funny.

Seriously, thank you
so much for reading it.

It means a lot to me.

I'm just glad it didn't suck.

I once went on
a date with this musician,

this gorgeous, gorgeous musician.
He was built like a...

I get it, he was nice-looking.
(SUNNY CHUCKLES)

Well, then he
played me his demo.

Oh, boy.

Any time I tried to say
anything, he would shush me

'cause he really wanted me to vibe
out to his really shitty music.

I remember,
when it was all over,

I ended up looking at him
and I thought to myself,

"I have never
been less attracted

"to anyone
in my entire life."

So, you're saying you're,
like, super attracted

to me because I'm so talented?

(LAUGHS)

Well, let's just say that I'm willing
to go on another date with you,

which is more than I can say
for the gorgeous musician.

Who said I wanted to go
on another date with you?

(SUNNY LAUGHS)

♪ Is it better to be
honest and be unknown?

♪ Will we break from this
addiction if we come home?

♪ This is the last straw

♪ This is
the ninth life, my friend

♪ Let's fall in love
(INAUDIBLE)

♪ All over again

♪ And if it's love
that you want

♪ Just tell me
the where and the when

♪ We've been fighting since the
time we heard the bell ring

♪ And we've wiped the living
daylights from our face

♪ Is this the last round?

♪ Am I the right man,
my friends? ♪

SYDNEY: Reminds me
of my ex-girlfriend.

SUNNY: That was his lover
of many, many years.

SYDNEY:
Was a nice-looking lady.

Hmm.

You know, he used to say he knew

he wasn't in love
with people anymore

when they became more contorted
and ugly in his paintings.

This must've been right,

right at the end.

(SUNNY CHUCKLES)

His father was a painter.
Don Ruiz.

He, uh, taught art in Malaga,
where Picasso grew up.

He painted pigeons.

When Picasso was 11,

he was already a great artist.

And his father's eyesight
was getting worse and worse.

One day, he was
having trouble painting

the tiny little feet
on the pigeons,

and before he left to go
teach his class that day,

he asked his
11-year-old son, Pablo,

if he could help him
with the pigeons' feet.

He went off, taught his class,

and when Don Ruiz got home,

he saw what his son had done.

And it was so magnificent,

so beautiful that

he quit painting forever.

Is that true?

Mmm-hmm.

I bet you have
a killer quote by Picasso.

"It took me four years
to paint like Raphael,

"but it took me a lifetime
to paint like a child."

SYDNEY: This little piggy
went to Las Vegas

and won $3,000 on a nickel slot,

but then lost it all in an
awkward sexual encounter

with an overweight prostitute.
(CHUCKLES)

This piggy developed adult
chickenpox and got very, very sick.

This little piggy here

drowned, but the police
do not suspect foul play.

These little piggies
have really shitty luck.

Yes, they do.

But not this piggy.

This one went wee-wee...

Stop it! (LAUGHING)

wee, all the way home.

Okay. So tell me,

what about this little piggy?

SYDNEY: All they say is they're
looking for character types.

Which basically means, bring in
as many weirdos as you can find.

If I'm still going on
commercial auditions

when I'm 50,
you have to kill me.

Thank you for coming.

I just wanna see what the hell
it is you do at these things.

Well, I go in there, and I dance
like a kind of meat puppet.

They give me some embarrassing shit
to do, and I basically rape myself.

Hey, Sydney.

Jesus, Devin!
What happened, man?

Ah, crushed it, man.
(CHUCKLES)

Guess they'd never
seen anything like it.

But, you know,
I've been so hot lately.

You know, I just booked
this Pizza Hut national,

and I got a couple
of Coke spots running,

and I'm up for
a co-star on NCIS.

I'm talking
about your neck, man.

Oh, yeah, that. I got into a skiing
accident, broke a couple of bones.

C2, C3.

You okay?

Yeah, man. Never been busier.
Work's been great.

I actually gotta jet to the Valley
right now for a Taco Bell audish.

Break a leg in there.

What was that?

This is my life.
(CHUCKLES)

You wanted to see? It's dark. It's dark.
Jesus. It's dark.

DIRECTOR: Sydney Greenbaum.

Okay.

DIRECTOR: Profiles, please.

DIRECTOR: Great. So it's
Chevy Summer Sales event

and you are Chevy's
new team mascot, okay?

So, you're leading the team of
cars onto the field, all right?

You're gonna charge through
this locker room here,

you're gonna jump
through this hoop

and then a team of cars
are gonna drive out

into the field
after you, all right?

Real simple. Got it?

You actually want me
to jump through the hoop?

Like a mascot.
You jump through the hoop,

and then you jump
up and down. Cool?

You want me to do
a tap dance, too?

Sure, man, yeah.

Make it your own.
Whatever you gotta do.

Action!

(WHOOPING)

Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!
Yeah! Yeah!

Chevy!

Cut!

Good, good, real good.

Uh, we'll do it again.

A little more energy, okay?

And what happened
to the tap dance?

TODD: Look,
if I want your opinion,

I'll tell it to you, all right?

(LAUGHING)

But I think that's why
my wife and I

have such a great relationship.

We have this agreement
to always fight fair.

It's like a contract.

They really do. They have
an excellent relationship.

They know how to communicate.

It's great seeing you, man.

It's really nice
to see you, too.

Yeah. So, what's the story

with this, what's going on?

SYDNEY: We've been together
for three months now.

Three months?
Okay. What do you do?

I'm a painter.
I'm sorry?

A painter.

(LAUGHS)

I'm sorry. Come on, that's
even worse than an actress.

A painter and an actor.

(LAUGHS)

I hope you guys have
separate bank accounts,

not that there'll
ever be anything in them.

Listen, one bit of advice.
Slow it down.

Enjoy this, right?
The courting?

This whole thing, no reason
to rush into anything.

You're young,
you think you know.

Trust me, you don't know, right?

I know.
I'm married 11 years.

Yeah, 11 years.
It's unbelievable.

I'm not saying
this isn't gonna work.

It is unbelievable.

This just might work.
But just take your time.

Enjoy.

SUNNY: Excuse me.

You okay?

I'll be right back. Yeah, I'm
just gonna run to the restroom.

You sure?
Yeah.

Bro.
Yo.

You're killing me right now.

What are you talking about?

You either hear it
from me or from a judge.

SYDNEY: I know that my friend
was being an asshole.

And I want you to be able
to feel how you wanna feel.

I want you to be able
to say what you're thinking.

Every relationship
I've ever had,

I've always felt like I was

walking on eggshells, you know?

Like, I never knew
what I was gonna say or do

that was gonna spin someone
out, cause them to get upset.

Even when it had nothing to do
with me, I would try to fix it.

Okay, that's my thing.

And I've never felt that
eggshell thing with you, ever.

Until tonight.

Well, it wasn't
about you, you know?

That's just how I react.

When I get upset, I clam up.

But, Sydney, I can't be responsible
for your insecurities.

I know that.
I'm not asking you to be

responsible for my insecurities.

I just think it's important
for us to make this work,

that we should know the areas that
could be problem areas, you know?

My shit and your shit,
where they don't line up

and where it could
flare up, that's all.

Yeah.

Yeah, okay.

Okay?

I feel like that was amazing,

like that was very
grown-up, you know?

Didn't that feel
grown-up to you?

It was pretty
grown-up of us.

Very adult.

God.

We're so mature.

I'd like to think so.

Yeah?
Mmm-hmm.

Then we can do this.

Ruff! Ruff!

(SUNNY GROWLS)

SYDNEY: What is that
supposed to be?

SUNNY: It's a hand monster.

Do you wanna go
to the park, babe?

Sunny?

Sunny!

♪ If I never met you baby

♪ I'd be dull
I'd be long gone now

♪ On our way again

♪ You're the only one
I wanna long to

♪ It don't matter,
we can work it out

♪ I'm coming all over,
I'm coming all over

♪ Out of the faces
in the crowd

♪ You won me all over,
you won me all over

♪ Yeah, you

♪ Yeah, you

SYDNEY:
So, you give me a title,

and I tell you what
the movie's about.

SUNNY: Got it. Okay.

"Baby, baby, baby."

SYDNEY: That's a good title.

SUNNY: I know.

SYDNEY: "Baby, baby, baby"
is about this guy

living in Los Angeles,

and then one day he meets
this beautiful woman,

and she's just got this
awful personality,

it's just terrible.
(LAUGHS)

And she's got the best smile
he's ever seen in his life.

And they both throw
away all their bullshit

and their baggage,
and they fall in love.

I don't know,
it sounds kinda boring.

You didn't let me finish.
You see,

'cause what makes "Baby,
baby, baby" so special

is it's a true story.

SYDNEY: I love you.

SUNNY: I love you, too.

Baby, baby, baby.

SYDNEY: The baby thing
kinda freaks me out.

SUNNY: Yeah, I know.

Sometimes I think that
if you don't have children,

then you get to
be one, you know?

I'm not saying I wanna
have them now or anything.

I'm just wondering
what you think of kids.

Well, I think they're
small with big heads.

You know, they usually
are kind of smaller,

and I guess their heads
are kind of bigger.

They usually come in
sets of two or four.

'Cause, you know, single
children are awful people.

And with three, you get a
middle child that's troubled.

I'm a middle child.

Case in point.

You're an only child.

I'm awful.

What if you had
a baby that was a, uh,

ginger, like me?

Ooh. Hmm...

Well, I mean, if I had a ginger
girl, it would be fabulous.

Fire-red hair, bright
green eyes, very cute.

Beautiful.
Yeah.

But, a ginger boy,

I'd throw him in a sack
and drown him in the river.

Really? You wouldn't
give him away

to some sweet couple
trying to have a baby?

I'd be way too scared
that he'd come back

when he was older
seeking revenge.

I mean, there's nothing more
dangerous than a vengeful ginger.

Better to drown him.

Hmm.
That's good thinking, too.

You should write
a book on parenting.

Perfect.

(EXHALES)

I'm not sure I understand
why I gave up

my apartment to move into this crack den.
(CHUCKLES)

I thought you said you
were excited to fix it up.

No, I'm very
excited to fix it up.

It's just, now that I'm looking

at the full extent of its, uh,

fucked-up-ed-ness...

So, what are you saying?

I think you
should break up with me

and you should
start seeing Bob Vila.

What I think is that you are freaked
out about moving in together

and it has absolutely nothing
to do with this place.

How could you say that?

Because you're freaked out
about moving in together.

Okay, (STAMMERING) I'm a little
scared about moving in together,

but that's because,

when you move in with someone,

it turns into,
like, a science experiment.

You're being
observed all the time.

Okay, first of all,

you're not moving in
with someone,

you're moving in with me.

Second of all, could we
have had this conversation

maybe before you
gave up your apartment?

Listen to me.
I wanna move in with you,

but I have moments
where it's scary, right?

And you just called me on one.

(STUTTERS) And that's why
I wanna move in with you,

because you call me
on stuff like that.

But that's why I'm afraid
to move in with you,

because you do stuff like that.

Does that make sense?
This is gonna be fun.

Yeah.
Mmm-hmm.

(MUSIC PLAYING)

SYDNEY: She came out first.

I came out a minute later.
Smooth as hell.

No one knew a thing.

Congratulations on being
a mile-high member.

Yeah. Yeah,
it's a pretty big deal.

Hmm.

Now it's my turn.

I'm scared. Okay.
Okay.

Have you ever been with more
than one guy at the same time?

Don't ask me that.

Jesus Christ.
You better talk, woman.

I was in college, and there was

a lot of drugs
and alcohol involved.

Right. Do you really
wanna hear this?

I really don't wanna talk about it.
Come on.

Go on, I'm a big boy,
I can handle it.

What, two guys?

No, it was more than two.

More than two? How many?

You know, let's just drop it.

No, no, no. I'm not gonna drop it.
I need to know.

And that's the game.
How many?

Five.

Five?
Mmm.

Five?
Yeah.

Five disgusting frat boys
at the same time.

Okay, they weren't frat boys.

They were in the art department.

Oh, right, of course.

They were in the art department.

I was drunk, I was on ecstasy.

I felt awful about it when it was
happening. I was embarrassed.

I still am. I've never... I've
never talked about it with anyone.

Five. You know, five is an
entire starting basketball team.

I'm sorry, were they
a basketball team?

We promised not to
judge each other.

That was your rule, by the way.

I'm not judging. I'm just...
I'm judging a little bit.

It's not like
they all came in me!

What? What part of
your brain do you feel like

that is supposed to
make me feel better?

In the same part of my brain

that should be telling that
you're a total asshole!

(EXHALES)

I shouldn't have told you.

No, I'm glad you told me.
I prefer the truth.

But I think you should give me

a little room to react here.

That's pretty hardcore.

Was it like...

No. No,
it wasn't like that,

because there were
two more dudes involved.

That's great. Thank you.
Makes me feel better.

You're welcome.

(MUSIC PLAYING ON SCREEN)

You think it's this cold
in the North Pole?

Aren't you from the East Coast?
Yeah.

But I've lived here too long.

I got soft.
Hmm.

You want me to warm you up?

You sure you don't wanna invite
the neighbors over first?

See if they wanna join in on it?

Fuck you, Sydney!

I'm never telling you
anything again.

Oh, come on.

I'm sorry. I mean,
it was definitely my fault.

I shouldn't have asked
that stupid question.

You told me you were grateful

for everything in my past

because it made me who I am

and brought me to you!

That was before I knew you were
the Jezebel of Pittsburgh.

I'm so sorry.

That wasn't fair.
I don't wanna talk about it.

Well, we don't
have to talk about it.

We never have to
talk about it again.

You know, that was a
messed-up time in my life

and a really painful experience,

and you're just
throwing it in my face.

I didn't mean to.

I really didn't.

If I'm honest, the truth is

it actually kinda turns me on.

Oh, my God! Please.

SYDNEY:
You know why they put

those little ribbons
on hotel toilets?

They're there to make you think

no one's ever been there before.

But trust me,
they've been there.

Oh, yeah. They have
definitely been there.

Karl and Susie had only
been dating for a year

when they decided
to move in together.

He was making good money
at the firm now,

and her cooking blog
was really taking off.

So they figured,
"Why not take a chance?"

Where do you want this one?

Oh, just in the corner there.

What's in there?

My baggage.

What do you mean?

You know, my baggage
that I brought with me.

What are you doing?
It's a big box.

You need some help?

No, I'm good.

Who's this?
Oh.

Evan Lazarus,
my sixth grade boyfriend.

I let him feel me up
in the auditorium,

and he told
the whole school about it.

She had great tits.

I mean, I still have
nice tits. I have great tits.

What the hell is he doing here?
It's my baggage.

Bonjour.

Who's this clown?

(LAUGHS)

Hi.

Pierre?

Hi. I met him the first
time I went to Paris.

He, um, was the
best lover I ever had.

I compare you to him
every time we have sex.

I know it's not fair,
but I just can't help it.

It was so good.
Mmm.

A woman is a delicate flower,

and you must always
water a flower from the top,

never the bottom.
Yeah.

And they will open just
like a beautiful rose.

You're a lucky man.
Mmm.

Thanks for the watering tip.

Hello.

My first lesbian experience.

Hi. Who...

My old boss.

The basketball team.
(CHUCKLES)

Basketball team.
Come on in, guys.

And the coach.

Very good student.

Professor.
I really wanted an A.

Oh, I felt
really bad for that one.

My best friend's dad.
That was a low moment.

That's it!

No, not the lacrosse team?

No, no. That's...
Just basketball?

Yeah.
And the coach.

This is exciting.

Mmm, for who?

For us, because,
like, I don't know,

now you know
everything about me.

Hey, where do you want this one?

Oh, you can just leave
it right there actually.

Or put it on the side.
Thanks. I'll take care of it.

What's that?

Oh, like, uh,

towels and stuff.

SUNNY: He makes me laugh.
You know,

but at the same time,
he's an amazing person.

As long as you're happy.

I am.

It's just,
he's a little insecure.

It's kind of like he always needs
everybody to like him all the time.

Needs a lot of attention.

Actors, man.

Either they have an extra
gene, or they're missing one.

(CHUCKLES)

But, at the same time,

I love being with him.

And he makes me laugh.

Yeah. You said that already.

(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)

SYDNEY: Sorry.

Sorry about that.
Excuse me.

Sorry. Thank you.

Excuse me.

(INDISTINCT TALKING)

(LAUGHS)

Hey.

Oh, hey, Sydney.

This is
Sebastian Kurtz-Wuhler.

Hello.
Hi. Nice to meet you.

Sebastian, he owns
the Kurtz-Wuhler Galleries.

You know, the ones I'm constantly
going on and on about?

I mean, they're kind of
the biggest in the world.

You exaggerate.

Yes, they are.
(CHUCKLES)

Well, congratulations.
That's great.

Thank you. It is my passion.

And, uh, what is your costume?

I'm a naked guy in a barrel.

Why?

'Cause I lost all my clothes
in a poker game,

or it's the Old West.

It doesn't matter. I'm a naked
guy in a barrel, right?

Sebastian was just actually telling
me this hilarious story (CHUCKLES)

about this swimming goat.

Yes.

I mean...
(BOTH LAUGHING)

Swimming goat.
It's just an anecdote

from my family's
vineyard in Espana.

Vineyard?

It's a small vineyard. Can you
believe that? It's amazing.

My grandfather used to grow
wine grapes around his sukkah.

They're pretty good,
too, I think.

Hmm.

Let me just get this
out of the way for you.

Hey, babe.

Jesus.

Okay. It was nice
meeting you.

Yeah, nice to meet you, too.

Sunny, a pleasure meeting you.

Pleasure was all mine.

I look forward to
seeing your work sometime.

Thank you.

Wow.

Kind of a...

I have to get back to work.

Talk to you in a bit.

L'chaim, cowboy.
Nice barrel.

What you got under there?

Oh! Just an incredibly
small penis.

(MUSIC PLAYING)

Let me drop some
knowledge on you, okay?

I have three very simple rules

for Halloween costumes for men.

One, you gotta look good.

You gotta feel sexy or whatever.

Two, you gotta
be comfortable. And C,

you gotta have easy,
quick access to your bits.

Whether that's to make water
or sow the seeds of love.

And you, my friend, have broken
all three of those rules.

Women, on the other hand,
they just have one rule,

and that's that
it has to be slutty.

The costume's gotta be slutty.

With or without cat ears.

Look at that, slutty nurse.

Hi.

Slutty girl from
Gatsby who golfed.

Slut... I don't
even know what that is.

That's a loofah.

That's a good costume, man.

Hey, babe.

I need to get scrubbed later.

Now. I need to
get scrubbed now.

He's kind of
a big deal, isn't he?

It's my biggest dream to show
at one of his galleries.

You think you're
too beautiful for me.

What?

It's just you are so
beautiful and so wonderful.

And I'm like this sick mantis.

Praying mantis.

Yeah.

Or, um, E.T., you know, when he's
all sick and dying by the river,

and he's flaky and white.

(LAUGHS)

Then tell me,
what are you so afraid of?

This ending.

"I have loved the stars too fondly
to be fearful of the night."

Galileo.

Galileo never met you.

♪ I just want you

♪ To love me

NARRATOR ON TV:
Don't be this guy.

Be that guy.

Don't be this guy.

Ooh, ooh, come here. Come here, it's me.
Be that guy.

Don't be this guy.

Be that guy.
(SUNNY CHUCKLES)

Don't be this guy.

It's really funny.

Be that guy.

It's awful.
It's humiliating.

I'm like the before picture.

Oh, come on. You're adorable.
You're cute.

I don't wanna do
these commercials anymore.

I've been thinking about it.

I wanna focus on my writing.

What do you think?

I think that's great.

I was reading this New Yorker
short story the other day,

and I was like,
"Okay, this is good,"

but it's not like,
you know, I wanna change

my religion or anything,
you know?

And that's The New Yorker. And
I thought, "I could do that."

Well, then that's
what you should do.

"Be bold and mighty forces
will come to your aid."

Basil King.

I have no idea who that is.

(CHUCKLES)

I was thinking about
it the other night.

I was just like,
"I should do this."

Then I fell asleep
and I dreamt I got

eaten by a school
of clown fish. Yeah.

You know,
I, uh, once had this dream

that I was sitting across from
my mom at the dinner table,

and all of a sudden, she
just rips open her chest,

pulls out a rib

and starts screwing me with it.

I think we should break up.
(LAUGHS)

I don't think we should
see each other anymore.

I think you need to...

It was horrible! I couldn't talk
to my mom for, like, three months.

I wonder if it
was worse to have it

than to have you tell
me about it, honestly.

(LAUGHS)

It's bad news, man.

You still love me, right?

Yeah, yeah, sure.

I'm gonna pull out my rib

and take care of you in a second.
(LAUGHS)

Why would anyone want duck
for Thanksgiving?

I'm a turkey man.

I like at 3:00
in the morning,

you come down for leftovers,

and you take a little cold
turkey, a little cold stuffing,

a little cold mashed potatoes,

a little cold cranberry, gravy,

you smoosh it between two of
those King's Hawaiian rolls,

and you shove it in your face
in your underpants.

(LAUGHS)

I like that.
That's what I like.

I've never had one of those.

Well, you're not
a patriot like me, so...

COURTNEY: Sydney?

Hey.

Hey, how are you?

I'm amazing.

Wow. That's, uh, great.
I'm happy to hear that.

Yeah, I'm having a terrific
time in my life right now.

Oh.

How are you?

Uh, I'm great. I'm great.

You know, pregnant.

I guess it's good that
you're not just fat, right?

(CHUCKLES) Yeah, yeah.

Hi, I'm Sunny.

Courtney.

Oh, right, yeah. Courtney,
this is, um, Sunny.

Sunny, this is Courtney.

Yeah.

So, how's the, um, acting?

It's good. I kind of
took a break from it.

I'm focusing on my writing
right now a lot.

Is it going well?

Oh, yeah, it's amazing.

It's really going...
And we moved in together,

and that's really nice also.
It's really good.

I'm happy for you, Sydney.

It was really great seeing you.

Yeah, it was amazing
to see you. Really amazing.

Yeah, okay.

Well, um, I hope you guys have
a really nice Thanksgiving.

Yeah. You, too. And
also congratulations.

Yeah, also congratulations.

What?

"Amazing"?

Really?

May your stuffing be tasty,
may your turkey plump.

May your potatoes,
gravy nary a lump.

May your yams be delicious
and your pies take the prize,

and may your Thanksgiving
dinner stay off your thighs.

ALL: Oh!

(LAUGHTER)

All right.
Down there, J.B.

I love you, man.

I love you, too. I love your face.
I love your neck.

(CORK POPS)
(WOMAN YELPS)

I don't drink.

The plan is for
everyone to stay clothed

the whole night.
SYDNEY: The whole night.

I can do it.
I can do it. I'm not...

Please.

Sunny, what's the story
with you and the...

No, I don't eat gluten.

SUNNY: I'm so sorry.

So sorry.
That was so rude of me.

(LAUGHING)

Classy. SYDNEY: That's
what I like, class!

I told you!
My friend is a classy man.

I don't eat animals.

Nice that people
celebrate the annihilation

of a race and
the stealing of their land.

(ALL LAUGH)

That's our thing.

Seriously.

In January at
the Los Angeles Gallery.

And we'd like to
present a new artist.

And we agree that we would
be most happy to have you.

(CHUCKLES)

Wait, are you serious?

Yes, of course.

I don't even know what to say.

You must say yes.

Um, yes, of course!

(BOTH LAUGH)

No, believe me, it's a
smart move on my part.

It's incredible.

SUNNY: My own show.
It's incredible, yeah.

I... Oh, my God. Thank you.

That's great.

(LAUGHS)
And I thank you.

How cool is this guy?

SYDNEY:
Your girl seems really nice.

J.B.: She's tall and thin.

I met her in
a woodworking class.

You're taking woodworking?
What? No.

No?
No.

What the hell was with that Sebastian guy?
He's the worst.

No. Man's a sweetheart.

You know where he went? He
went to get better champagne.

And he invited me skiing.

Apparently, he's got a
sick chalet up in Mammoth.

SYDNEY: Of course he does.

And she just loves
a guy with an accent.

I don't know, man. Lately, I feel
like there's been this, like,

growing distance between us.

Whoa, brother.

You gotta take a step back.

Take three steps back.

Because if you're chasing it, I guarantee
you, it's running away from you.

Yeah, that's easy to say, but,
okay, we're living together.

You know what I mean?
I mean, I'm in.

She's not in as far as I am.

In every relationship, you've
got the lover and the loved,

and the loved always has
the upper hand, my man.

I think it is
a beautiful tradition, um,

this, um,
taking a moment to express

the things for
which you are grateful.

Um...

We did not do it
when I was growing up.

But every year, I go and
build houses and schools

for the impoverished
children of Namibia.

That trip always reminds me

that I must live in
a place of gratitude.

Because it is so
important to remember that

you cannot be grateful only
for one day, for one meal.

J.B.: Hear, hear, man.
SUNNY: Hear, hear.

Cheers. J.B.: You brought
that home quite nicely.

I'm sorry. So, what exactly is
it that you're grateful for?

For this moment
and for your kindness.

That's nice. That's really nice.
That is beautiful.

Thank you.
That is beautiful.

Well, I guess I'm thankful
that we're all here.

And I'm not talking about
this house, either, you guys.

I'm talking about here.
I'm talking about being alive.

Starting with our great, great,

great grandparents
meeting and fucking

and our parents.

Coitus. Filthy.

Loveless.

You change one tiny grain of
sand in that entire equation,

(KISSES) none of us
is even a thought.

Now, I'm also thankful for this
one's background in dance.

Cecilia, um,
what are you grateful for?

Oh, I prefer to keep my
gratitudes to myself. Thank you.

(THUNDER RUMBLING)

SUNNY: He didn't have any
plans for Thanksgiving.

Besides, he's great.

And he's giving me
my own show, which,

I mean, do you understand
how huge that is for me?

I'm just surprised
that Mr. Wonderful

didn't have a million
Thanksgiving invitations.

And you give me shit about how
I act when I see Courtney.

Courtney's your
ex-girlfriend!

What the hell does she
have to do with anything?

You turn into a schoolgirl
around this guy.

It's gross.

(GARGLING)

Yeah, and sure, he's rich,
and he's, uh, charming,

and he's successful,
and he's funny,

but, you know,
he's got an art gallery.

You take all that away,
really, what has he got?

Okay, in case you
didn't realize, Sydney,

I'm going to bed
with you, not Sebastian.

It's just frustrating
to see your girlfriend

flirting with a geriatric case.

Oh, my God!
I was not flirting with him!

Plus, you know, you've been
drinking like every day lately.

Okay, okay, it's Thanksgiving.
Give me a fucking break.

Yeah, I know. And yesterday,
it was Wednesday,

and the day before
that it was Tuesday,

and I think before that, Monday.

So explain this to me, okay?

What is it exactly
you're upset about?

The fact that you think
that I'm an alcoholic now

or that I was
flirting with Sebastian?

I'm not upset!

I'm just frustrated because...
You're frustrated.

You know, you live with someone,

and you start to see
things that you go,

"Okay, that can
improve that person,

"that can improve the
relationship," and so you...

You call them out.

Okay, well, I'll be
sure to call you out

tomorrow morning on
all of your bullshit.

SUNNY: Don't fucking
try it, Sydney.

I mean it.

(FOOTSTEPS)

(CHUCKLES SOFTLY)

Oh, my God.

I told you.

That is amazing.

Mmm.

You're not getting this back.

Okay.
(CHUCKLES)

SYDNEY: Was at this party and we had
a big fight. I was so miserable.

So I said to myself, "You take a
picture of yourself right now."

And I said, "You remember
how miserable you are."

"So, in six months,
when you're like,

"'I gotta get her back!
I gotta get her back, '

"you look at that picture and you
remember how miserable you were."

So I did it. Six months later, I'm
exactly where I said I was gonna be.

I look at the picture.

I say to myself, "I don't
look miserable at all."

(SIGHS)

God, this is so relaxing.

You sure this is mud?

I don't think this is mud.

You just don't
know how to relax.

I didn't realize
that submerging yourself

in warm fecal matter
was relaxing.

Hey, coming here was
your idea, remember?

No, I'm really glad
we came here.

I wanted to do something
nice for your birthday.

I'm having a really good time.

(CHUCKLES)
Yeah, you look it.

Are you ready for
your placenta facial?

Yeah.

I'll be right back.

Thank you.

(LAUGHS)

I have mud in crevices
I didn't even know I had.

SUNNY: You hope it's mud.

You hope it's mud.

What you doing?

Just working on some
stuff for the show.

What's this?

It's a hockey stick.

Oh, baby.

I got you the kind you like.

And I thought you could
just take it anywhere.

It's perfect.

Yeah, you like it?

Oh, I love it.

You do?
I do. You're so sweet.

Happy birthday.
Thank you.

I got something else
for you, too.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah.
What is that?

(KISSING)
(CHUCKLES)

Syd.

Sunny.

Syd.
Sunny.

Syd, stop please.

What?

I just... I don't...

I don't feel like...

I really need to finish
this right now, okay?

And I really wanna relax.

Yeah, that's what
I wanna do, too.

I wanna relax.
Let's relax.

(SIGHS) Syd, no, I'm serious.
I'm serious.

I...

I wanna fool around later, okay?

Yeah.

But right now, I really need to
finish this, and I wanna be mellow.

Sure.

Plus, I think that treatment
gave me a bit of a headache.

Another headache, huh?
You okay?

Yeah.
Well, I've been exhausted.

I've been working five
nights a week at the bar

and then doing this all day.

I'm rundown,
I'm exhausted, I'm tired.

But that's it, okay?

Sure.

I was just trying to be cute.

Hey.

You are cute.

And sweet.

Will you just lay with me?

Yeah.

Sure.

Whatever you want.

Thank you.

(EXHALES)

SYDNEY: When you give
your heart to someone,

all it takes is one look,

and they can turn your entire
world to black and white.

(TICKING)

Stan and Genevieve Taft
met in college.

They fell in love
and they got married.

But lately,
Stan had noticed a shift.

Genevieve seemed distant,
withdrawn.

It seemed that
her love for him was fading.

Maybe there was another man.

Or maybe their love
had just run its course.

Stan began to panic.

He began to grow insecure.

And as he got more
and more insecure,

he began to notice a very
strange thing happening.

At first, it seemed impossible.

But then it was undeniable.

Stan was shrinking.

The more she pulled away,
the more insecure he got.

The more insecure he got,
the more he shrank.

And the more he shrank,
the more she pulled away.

(INAUDIBLE)

One Friday afternoon, he came
home to find an empty house.

She was gone, and there was
nothing he could do to change it.

And that was the end of
the Incredible Shrinking Stan.

SUNNY: Smidge higher
than the rest of them.

You know what I mean? I kinda
want it to be the focal point.

That's okay.

You know, or we can even just
lower the ones on the side.

Hey, you.

SUNNY: Hey!

Looks amazing in here.

It's like a real art show.

Right?

Is that a painting of me?

No.

Looks like me.

It's an amalgamation of a
bunch of different people.

Looks like a ugly-ass,
twisted version of me.

To me.

Way to be egocentric.

No, I'm just remembering the
story you told me about Picasso

when he started
falling out of love

with people, they got uglier...

Well, it's not you, okay?

How's Sebastian doing?

You know what, Sydney,
I'm really busy right now,

so maybe we could just
do this a little bit later?

What? I'm just asking,
how is he?

Can you stop
being such an asshole?

Oh, really? I didn't realize
it was an asshole thing to do

to support your girlfriend
while she tries

to make her dreams a reality.
I'm sorry.

It is when you
make it all about you.

Hey, guys, who does that
painting look like to you?

To me, it looks like a Georges
Braque imitation, only more surreal.

Not the painting, the guy in
it, who does that look like?

I thought it was a cat.
Sydney.

SEBASTIAN: Sydney.
Oh, this clown.

Hey, Sebastian, how are you?
Hey, Sydney.

I'm very well, thanks.
How are you?

I'm good. I'm good.

Can I ask you a question real quick?
Sydney, don't.

No, no, no, real quick.

Um, who does that
painting look like to you?

Sunny told me
it was a painting of you.

She did? She said that?

I think it is very beautiful.

What I said is it's an
amalgamation of a bunch of people,

and you're one of them, yes.

Yes, no, to me you said that.

To the most interesting man
in the world over there,

you said just
it is a painting of me.

Sebastian, I am so sorry.

Would you mind
giving us a second?

Yeah, I'm sorry, too.
Sorry. Nice to see you.

Guys, would you mind?
Thank you. Sure.

See ya, fellas.

So what, Sydney, honestly?

It's my work.
It's my painting.

You know, in your stories, you
make me seem like this cold bitch.

Well, you know,
if it quacks like a duck.

Oh, and by the way, this
whole thing with Sebastian?

There's a word for people who
flirt with somebody to get ahead.

Are you calling me a whore?

Well, that depends on
if you fucked him or not.

(DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES)

Oh, baby.

SYDNEY: Are you fucking
kidding me?

MAN ON TV: I don't even know who's
payin' me, and I don't want to know.

What's the difference?

Didn't it occur to you
why they want you to do it?

Certainly it did, but that
makes them suckers, not me.

I'm the guy
who's gettin' it made.

Listen, Sheriff, a man
can stand for so much

and no more.
(DOOR OPENS)

Now, before the war, I
drifted and drifted and ran.

Always lost in
the great big crowd.

Hey.
Hey.

You wanna talk?

I think that's
a good idea, don't you?

I've been feeling
really far from you lately,

and that makes me very insecure.

And I do stupid shit, okay?

And if you wanna
paint me like that,

of course you should be able
to paint me like that.

Can we talk?

I mean, really talk.

If you tell me that you love me,

but you're not in love with me,

I'm just telling you right now,
I'm gonna have a freak-out.

I'm gonna freak out right now.
No!

I just don't think
I love you anymore.

Love is like faith, you know?

You can't fake it. You
either have it or you don't.

You don't have some special quote
for ripping a guy's heart out?

"Breaking up is hard to do."

Really?

You suck.

♪ Kissin', kissin', kissin'

♪ I miss your kissin'

♪ Do-doo

♪ I miss your
warm and tender lips

♪ I miss your kissin'

♪ Do-doo

♪ That tingled
through my fingertips

♪ I went away

♪ Do-doo, do-doo

♪ So far away

♪ Do-doo, do-doo

♪ This longing

(SONG PLAYING ON LAPTOP) ♪ In
my heart just makes me say

♪ Just makes me say

♪ I miss your kissin'

What the fuck is this?

It's a video I cut together.
I'm gonna send it to her.

No. No, man, you're
not gonna send her this.

What are you doing?
Yes, it's gonna make her cry.

Why do you wanna make her cry?

(SIGHS)

The words "I don't
love you anymore," hey,

you can't take those back.
That's what she said, okay?

That ends the show, man.

That's game over.

I'm so angry at her.

Good.

Good. That means
you're already past denial.

Now you just gotta figure out
bargaining and, uh, depression,

and I think there's some...
There's a few other stages.

And then you're in the clear.

Come hit with me.

Yes.

Spinalingading. Dong.

Let's go.

I wish I could get her back so
that I could break up with her.

Well, that sounds reasonable.

I wish I knew that the last time
we fucked, that was the last time.

That sounds logical.

I wish she got hit
by a fucking train...

That sounds a little crazy.
That's crazy talk, man.

Listen, go write something.

Go sleep with
a waitress or a barista,

anyone in the food
service industry.

Get your confidence back,
you know?

Start feeling
like yourself again.

Feeling good.

I'm sorry, man. That was way too hard.
I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

SYDNEY: They say heartbreak actually
leaves little tiny tears on your heart,

and there's no doctor in the
world that can help you.

Well, maybe there's one.

Well, Mr. Carlin,
that wasn't so bad, was it?

Okay, what's the word, Doc?

All in all,
your health seems fine.

Yeah?

But it appears you've
developed a heart condition.

A heart condition! Oh, my God!
What? What is it?

Well, a protective shell
has formed around your heart.

A shell?

Yeah.

It's a result of past trauma.
It's not uncommon.

Is it dangerous?

Well,

it might keep you from living
a full and complete life.

Well... It can lead to
depression, solitude,

and, in extreme cases, the
adoption of many, many cats.

Oh, my... (GASPS)
But that's just in women.

Have you gone through
a break-up recently?

Yes, I have
just a few months ago!

Uh-huh.

I'm gonna write
you a prescription.

Now, I must warn you,
it is a bit experimental.

What is it?

Let me show you.

You should take her three times a day.
Excuse me?

I also recommend
walks on the beach with her,

candlelit dinners, weekend getaways,
and the occasional argument.

(CHUCKLES) It is my
hope that Gisela here

will penetrate that
wall that has formed

around your heart and open it up

so that you may live
a full and complete life.

Really? It's amazing how far
medical science has come.

Yeah, but I must warn you again,

she comes with
potential side effects.

(SPEAKING FRENCH)

Is this covered by my insurance?

No, baby.

It's cash only.

(INAUDIBLE)

(DOORBELL RINGS)

Hey, Sydney.

Wow. That's a real baby
you got there.

(CHUCKLES) Yeah.

You seem really happy.
That's good.

Yeah.

You don't.

What's going on, Syd?

Did you break up
with that pretty girl?

Yeah, we broke up and...

Can I ask you a question?
You'll answer me honestly?

I'll try.

Is there
something wrong with me?

There's something
wrong with all of us.

But am I more fucked-up?

Like, when we were going out.

I keep watching myself make the
same mistakes over and over again.

And there's nothing more
frustrating than watching yourself

and I know
I'm making the mistakes,

and I still can't
do anything about it.

What are you looking for?

How'd you get here?

Is it just because you never had

your heart broken,
you can just...

Oh, God. Of course
I've had my heart broken.

When we broke up,
my heart was destroyed.

Really? You remember
that you broke up with me?

Yeah, I know, Syd.

But it sucks on
both sides, believe me.

I feel like I come to these
relationships with my head bowed

waiting for someone to just chop my
neck, like I'm doing it on purpose.

(BABY CRIES)
Syd, I'm sorry. I...

You know, he's gotta eat.

I'm gonna take off.
Oh, no.

Why don't you stay?

Jake will be home soon,
and you can finally meet him.

No. And we can all
have dinner, yeah.

No, I definitely think
I'm gonna skip that one.

Okay.

(BABY FUSSES)

Hey. Hey, baby.

One last question.

Um, this baby here,

there's, uh, no way that he...

I had him almost two years
after we broke up, Sydney.

Do the math.

I was never good at math.
Yeah.

Thanks.
Yeah.

SYDNEY:
Bentley was a happy mantis.

He had a great job,
he kept himself in shape.

And when he met Tatiana, he knew
he had found his soul mate.

She had six long legs,
big, beautiful eyes,

and this sense of humor
that was just irresistible.

He loved her.

But sometimes, it seemed
that his love wasn't enough,

and that just made
him hold on tighter.

One day, Bentley came home
from a hard day's work,

and he found
Tatiana waiting for him.

She had this
strange glint in her eye.

That night, the two made love.

It was beautiful.

And when they finished,
Tatiana, she pulled him close,

she looked him
square in the eyes

and then she began
to eat his head.

And as his last breath
escaped him, he wondered,

"Did he bring this
on himself?"

Of course, he would never be
able to answer that question.

He had no head.

That spring, Tatiana gave
birth to 107 baby mantises.

"Twenty-seven survived."
(PEOPLE LAUGHING)

And, uh, that's the end of the
story, so thank you guys so much.

Thank you. We sell any books?
Yeah, man.

Yes, we did.
We sold one copy, my friend.

Doing good. Yeah.
Crushing it.

I gotta bounce. Gotta pick up this
chick that works at the Planetarium.

Let me ask you this.

Her little name tag says "NG" on it.
How would you say that?

I don't think there's a name there.
I think it's just silent.

I think you just nod to her.

You're a weird guy.

Mmm.

SUNNY: Sydney?

Hey. I, uh, didn't know
you were doing a reading.

I just came in for a coffee,
and I heard your voice.

Decaf, soy latte, two pumps of
vanilla, lots of whipped cream?

Actually, back on the caffeine.

Life's too short for decaf, huh?

So, how have you been?

And please don't say "amazing,"
even if you have been.

Definitely not amazing,
but I'm not too bad, either.

You look great, of course.

How are you?

Amazing. (CHUCKLES)

I loved your story,
it was so funny.

Can I ask, am I
the devouring lady mantis?

Tatiana the mantis
is an amalgamation

of a bunch of different people.

Right.

Well, whatever it is,

I'm glad you got published.

Sorry if I got a little bit Stalkery
McStalksalot a few months back.

It was a tough couple of months.

Yeah.

Here, take a book.

Oh, I already have one.

I'm excited to read
the whole thing.

Oh, you're the one
who bought it.

You wanna finish the rest
of your coffee with me?

This is "Flower Petal."

(EXHALES)

"Take it Take it all, woman

"I am man,
and man must be strong

"In the depths of your wetness
Is where I belong

"An oil well sprang forth

"The world
covered in my tar..."

It's called The Vanity Press,

and you have to pay to get
your own work published.

That's okay.
I mean, it's still in print.

You can touch it.

It's really what matters, right?

Yeah.

What about you?

(EXHALES) Um...

Well, I quit the bar.

It was about time.

Way past due.

The show did really well, and
I sold a lot of paintings,

so I just quit the next day.

I have another one
coming up in Spain, actually.

I leave next week.

Spain?
Mmm-hmm.

With Sebastian, huh?

Yup. It's his gallery.

I have to ask you.

Sebastian and you,
when we were dating,

did you, um...

He's gay, Sydney.

Sebastian's gay?

(CHUCKLES SOFTLY)

That explains
why he invited J.B.

to his ski chalet, I guess, huh?

I wonder if I should be offended
I never got the invite.

(CHUCKLES)

Spain, huh?
That's really cool.

Yeah, I'm pretty
excited about it.

You should be.

I didn't mean to hurt you.

It just

changed.

Oh, I have to go.

It was really good seeing you.

I think it was really
good to see you, too.

Bye.

Hasta luego.
Have a good time in Spain.

(BELL CHIMING)

(INDISTINCT TALKING)

SYDNEY: Remember that guy who said
it's better to have loved and lost?

Well, I still wanna
punch that guy in the face.

But the truth is he's right.

Because in spite
of all the bullshit,

in spite of the desperation
and the pain,

when it's great,
when it's really great,

it's all worth it.

WOMAN: Excuse me.

Hi. Sorry,
I don't wanna bother you.

I just wanted to tell you
your story is hilarious.

I laughed my arse off.

You are really funny.

I don't suppose
you wanna join me?

♪ Sister's got a future

♪ Mama's got a heartbreak

♪ Girl, I curse
the day I met you

♪ Never felt lonely

♪ When I headed this way

♪ Roll out of bed and go

♪ Break up, we go away,
and then we make up

♪ We're gonna go
wherever it may take us

♪ Awake

♪ Here we go

♪ Awake

♪ Here we go, here we go

♪ Awake

♪ Here we go

♪ Awake

♪ Here we go
Here we go again

♪ Faces on the posters

♪ Head is in the lampshade

♪ Ever since the day
I met you

♪ No one's ever known me

♪ At least not
ever this way

♪ Take a step
on the winding road

♪ Leave him another day
'cause we can't stop

♪ Feeling the tidal wave
start to shake us

♪ Awake

♪ Here we go

♪ Awake

♪ Here we go, here we go

♪ Awake

♪ Here we go

♪ Awake

♪ Here we go
Here we go again

♪ We all started out now

♪ Didn't know where to go

♪ We'll never know,
we'll never know

♪ We'll walk through the park
to pave an easy road

♪ I'll get you home,
I'll get you home

♪ We're gonna go forever,
we're awake

♪ Here we go

♪ Awake

♪ Here we go, here we go

♪ Awake

♪ Here we go

♪ Awake

♪ Here we go
Here we go again ♪