All language subtitles for LOOKING - VOEN STEN

(WATER LAPPING)

(SEAGULLS SCREECHING)

(PLANE ENGINE ROARING)

(I GET NERVOUS
PLAYING OVER EARPHONES)

First time here?

Me?

No, I used to live here.

For almost 10 years.

And you left?

Yup.

So what brings you back?

I'm here for a wedding.

- Yours?
- (CHUCKLES)

No.

So is it good to be back?

Ask me in a couple of days.

Fair enough.

(INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS)

PATRICK: Thank you.

(OVERLAPPING CHATTER)

AGUSTÍN: Look who's ambled into town.

- Hey, boys.
- I can't... I love that you're late.

I don't think you've ever been late.

Maybe I'm finally becoming fashionable.

- I love your beard. Hey.
- Hey.

I told you nine months is all it takes
to make a new man out of him.

- Stop it, stop it.
- No, we need more lift!

- So masculine.
- I can't believe we came here.

- How long has it been since we've been here?
- Uh, my 23rd birthday.

I had sex with the waiter,
and you threw up in that toilet over there.

Oh, good times.

Fuck, it is so good to see you guys.

You, too.

I'm sorry I've been so bad lately.

It's just that work has been super hectic,

and it doesn't help
that I deactivated my Facebook.

But that's not an excuse.

Don't worry. It's all going fine.

Fine?

Last Tuesday, there was a line
all the way down the block.

- That's amazing.
- It's getting there.

And he promised me tonight
he wouldn't check the window, not even once.

- Maybe just once.
- No. No, you swore.

Not even a fuckin' text, okay?

Okay. Jesus.

How's the Art Institute?

Oh, these punk art school brats,
they have no respect for the equipment,

but I can almost pay rent now,

- so, that's something.
- Oh, almost.

Mmm.

- My balls are here.
- Mmm.

Wait, so what is the plan for tonight?

- What's going on?
- Oh.

- First up is Li Po for Chinese Mai Tais.
- What?

- We haven't been there in a million years.
- I know.

- Doris and Malik are gonna meet us there.
- Oh, nice.

- How are they?
- They're good, I think.

He hasn't thrown her out,
so that's something.

They went to Hawaii recently, I know that.

Richie and Brady are coming, too.

What?

You invited them?

- No, I'm kidding.
- (LAUGHTER)

Don't worry, seriously.

I think, actually,
it's gonna be nice to see them,

both of them.

In fact, I actually made a pact with myself,
on the plane,

that I was gonna try and make
a real effort with Brady.

- That's good, 'cause he's actually pretty cool.
- When he's not drunk.

- Just sayin'.
- Yeah.

Wait a second.

- We gotta raise a glass.
- Mmm.

To the new, grown-up Agustín.

Actually, to all of us, really,

for finally finding something
close to adulthood, right?

- Close to it.
- Close, yeah.

- BOTH: Yeah.
- It took us long enough, that's for sure.

- Cheers.
- BOTH: Cheers.

- Would you stop eating my balls?
- I love your balls.

- No, stop.
- I can't get enough of your balls.

(LAUGHTER)

(MUSIC PLAYING)

Yeah, here we are.

- Oh, my God, nothing has changed.
- Oh, my God! You guys!

- Hey!
- Hey, stranger!

- DORIS: Hey! I know!
- How's it going?

DORIS: I'm good. I'm good. Yay!

- Hey, it's so good to see you.
- How are you, sir?

Since you've been gone,
I've been embracing my heterosexuality.

- Yeah, she has.
- Oh, my God, I went on a wine tour, a course.

Yeah, but she got thrown off
for getting wasted.

- Okay, okay.
- Oh, my God. We get couples' massages.

- Nice!
- We got book club.

I had, like, dinner parties
where I kind of cook a little bit.

Which we don't get invited to, but, you know.

Oh, you'd come if I invited you?

Probably not. There's only so many times
I can hear you talk about the Container Store.

- I love the Container Store!
- I know you do.

- Oh, would you rather me talk about poultry?
- No, no, no.

Wait. Do I hear the ding-dong
of wedding bells?

Oh, God.

Are the two of you gonna follow Agustín
down the aisle?

- Yeah, right.
- Mmm-hmm. Sorry, Disney princess.

No, that dream's not happening.

- I'm embracing my heterosexuality...
- That's right.

- ...but I'm not insane.
- So that's a no?

Malik and I made a very important
commitment to living in sin, okay?

Yeah. We're living in sin. We embrace the sin.

- Absolutely.
- Sunday morning, we're not in church.

Marriage is for the gays, all right?

And you poor fucking bastards,

- you can have it. It's a magical time!
- Aw!

- (LAUGHTER)
- Yay!

- Aw, that was the best news ever!
- Yeah!

DORIS: Congratulations!
ALL: Whoo! Cheers!

(CHEERING)

- Hey!
- Hi! How's it going? My God!

- How you doing? Congrats.
- Thanks, man.

PATRICK: Hey, Brady!

- The prodigal son returns.
- Hi. It's good to see you.

Thank you, man. Likewise.
Thanks for coming.

Hey there. How's it going?

- Good. How are you?
- Good. Doing well.

- Nice, nice.
- Yeah, yeah.

- Hi, Kyah. Hi.
- Hi.

- I am so the new Patrick of the group.
- Oh!

(LAUGHTER)

- Hello.
- Hi.

- How are you guys?
- I'm good. Hi.

Oh, my God. We're all back together!

- Oh, hi. Oh!
- Hi.

Patrick, how is it going?

I want to hear about...
Tell us about what your life...

I don't know. Well, how's Boise?

Well, it's Denver, not Boise.

- (LAUGHTER)
- Same thing, same thing.

But it's good. It's really good.
I'm loving work,

and I'm finally the head
of my own department,

so that's been a long time coming, yeah.

- That's fantastic.
- No more cage-fighting homos?

No more otters versus owls?

- Is that the video game?
- Wow. Not at work at least, no.

What is it you're actually doing?

I've asked, but nobody seems to know.

We're actually... We're developing

- this virtual reality video game...
- MALIK: Uh-huh.

- ...where humans have mated with aliens...
- Yes.

...and they've created a super race
with special abilities.

- MALIK: I'm in. I'm so in.
- Yes! It's actually a really cool game.

- Can I have one?
- PATRICK: Absolutely!

Of course you're in. Anything alien, sold.

But what is there to do in Salt Lake City?

- What do you do?
- RICHIE: Denver.

- In Denver, too. What do you do in Denver?
- Thank you.

God damn it, sorry.

BRADY: You don't miss it here?

I mean, I miss you guys.
I miss the people for sure.

But in a lot of ways, the cities are very similar.

It's the same small-batch coffee,

the same Korean meatballs,
except people there are

a little less, you know, San Francisco.

- In the way... In the way the people...
- Oh, my God, no, come on.

No, you know, in the way that people
in San Francisco can be annoying.

- You know what I'm talking about.
- I totally get it.

Are there any gays?
Are there any gays in Denver?

Yeah, there's a lot of gays. It's a big city.

And Patty's been making the most of being

- the single cowgirl in town, right?
- I have. I have.

Is it like Brokeback Mountain?

Are you just, like, having sex
with Jake Gyllenhaal?

(LAUGHTER)

No, but I, uh... I broke this back-mountain

a couple of times, if you know what I mean.

- What?
- Yes, yes, yes, yeah.

PATRICK: I did, I did.

- Girl, you've changed.
- (LAUGHTER)

I can't believe I have this stupid bag.

Oh, God.

Your hair looks good.

(CHUCKLES) Thank you.

- Kept it short, huh?
- I did, yeah.

- Short on the...
- Yeah.

Short on the sides.

PATRICK: It's good to see you.

You, too.

Sorry I was so incommunicado,

but it just felt like the right thing to do
while I got settled, and then...

You don't need to explain.

Yeah, but I left... I left so suddenly
without much of an explanation.

You did what you had to do.

I did.

So, don't sweat it.

All right.

So what's it like being back home

so close to your folks?

Well, I'm near home. I'm not at home,

and that, uh, 50-minute car ride
makes all the difference.

- Ah.
- But, uh,

it's been pretty positive.

I never thought that I could actually be there

and be myself, so that feels like progress.

- Well, that's good.
- Yeah.

And how's your mom?

She's all right.

It's probably helpful that I was there
and only semi-judgmental about her choice

- to drop my dad.
- Mmm.

How are you about the divorce?

- Me?
- Yeah.

I'm 30. (CHUCKLES)

I don't think that matters.

(SOFT CHUCKLE)

You know, she actually dumped the guy

- that she left my dad for...
- Oh, my God.

...and now she's having sex

- with her therapist, Dr. Sapperstein.
- Oh, really?

Yeah.

She really likes
making a fucking mess of things.

But then, uh,

like mother like son, I guess.

I'm saying nothing.

(CHUCKLES)

So, I...

I finally followed your advice
and tried to work things out with my dad.

Good.

Yeah, it turns out that advice totally sucked.

- Oh, shit. Really?
- Yeah.

I tried to honor the fact
that he would never be

completely happy with who I am

and try to find a common ground, but...

There was none?

- Turns out he is a raging homophobe.
- (SIGHS)

It's like him trying to understand me

undermines everything
he thinks about himself, so...

Oh, God.

Do you think he'll ever come around?

He's a proud fucker, so probably not.

- Well, if I'm like my mom, then...
- (CHUCKLES)

- Shut up.
- (CHUCKLES)

But Brady has been really cool
about the whole thing.

He's been, um, super supportive,

- so that's helped.
- Good.

What about the barber truck?

I've been hearing amazing things.

That's going really well.

And you don't miss Willy's?

Yeah, but it's also good
to be doing my own thing.

Actually, Agustín did a really great job
with the paint work on it.

He's really good.

I can just picture you cruising down Valencia,
luring people into your truck for a fade.

- Mmm.
- It's kind of perfect.

- (LAUGHS)
- Sometimes I want to drive to Reno

and start doing perms
in some casino parking lot.

- What?
- Just to do something different, you know?

Oh, my God, that would be, like,
the best reality show ever.

Or maybe the worst.
It's basically the same thing.

(BOTH CHUCKLE)

You should come by sometime.
See me in action.

Yeah, I'd like that.

And if not, you know, this trip,
then the next one for sure.

Patty! Hi!

- Hi.
- There they are.

- Hey.
- We thought we'd lost you.

I know. It's this bag.

Agustín has totally convinced me.

- I'm pro-marriage now, sorry.
- Traitor.

- Yeah, you fucking traitor.
- Wanna get married?

Right now?

Mmm, maybe not right now.

Come on!

Come on, babe.

You all right?

- I'm good.
- Good.

- How are you feeling?
- I'm good. I'm a little tired.

- You gonna sing?
- Yeah!

- Oh, good.
- What are you gonna sing?

- What are we gonna sing together?
- (LAUGHTER)

PATRICK: Let's do this.

All right.

I love that you've chosen
all of our old haunts.

Yeah, I felt like I needed to return

to the scenes of my crimes,
like, one more time.

You're not dying.

I know, but this whole "getting married" thing
is making me feel all...

I don't think that the air quotes are necessary.

- ...nostalgic.
- Oh, shit.

- Bride to be.
- (CHUCKLES)

You made it.

Come on, of course.

Ooh! Ms. Murray!

- Hello!
- Hello!

- Oh, yes.
- Oh, my.

- How's it going?
- Yeah, good.

You what, you took
the Concorde in from Paris,

- n'est-ce pas?
- Mais oui. Yes.

It's so good to see you. What a surprise.

What are you ladies drinking? I'm buying.

- Something cheap and strong.
- Yeah, that's like you.

- Like? Oh, okay, all right.
- I'm kidding.

- I'll take it.
- I'm kidding.

(LAUGHS)

Whoa! So you guys are friends now?
Like, actual friends?

- Yeah.
- Who reached out to who?

Well, I felt like I needed to close that chapter

before I opened the new one,
so, yeah, I called him up.

- I thought I told you.
- No, it's great.

I mean, he's always been a good guy.

Yeah, you know, and just because
it didn't work out

doesn't mean it couldn't
turn into something new.

Plus, Eddie's cool with it.

- Of course he is. He's the best.
- He's the best.

Look, uh, B-T-dubs,
you and I are singing, too.

- Oh, no. No, no, no.
- Yeah.

- No, come on, for old time's sake.
- No, no, no.

- Listen, I love you, but bad things happen...
- Please!

- ...when I get behind a microphone.
- No, no, badass things happen!

- No!
- Please?

(BOTH SINGING BROKEN WINGS)

Oh, my God!

(LAUGHTER)

Why isn't he making eye contact with me?

- He should be looking at me.
- DOM: I can't handle this.

Sing to me!

Wait, wait. I remember,
I remember, I remember.

I think... I think his exact words were,

"I'd rather seal up my butt-hole
and never suck

"another cock again rather than get married."

"I can't believe that gay people
are so fucking desperate to be straight.

- "They shouldn't be called 'gay' anymore."
- Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.
Did I really sound that annoying?

- Yes.
- BRADY: I want that Agustín back.

Nah, trust me you don't. He was a total cunt.

Ooh, I miss the cunty Agustín.

He was so fun at parties and stuff.

You've become one of those gay guys
you've always hated.

Soon you'll be adopting babies
and going on family cruises

with all the other Stepford homos.

Hey, leave him alone.

Yeah, yeah. Don't listen to them, Agustín.

I think that what you're doing is amazing.

- It's okay, Patty. I can take it.
- You know I'm kidding.

You know I'm messing around with you.

- I'm thrilled for you and I think that, uh...
- Thank you.

...Eddie is a shining light
of awesomeness in your life,

and you're doing it for the right reasons,

so what's there not to love?

Thank you, Frank.

Aw, that was beautiful.

Just don't fuck it up, all right?

Yeah, like,
stay away from rent boys for starters.

(LAUGHTER)

Okay.

I know that I said I wouldn't,
but fuck it, let's do this.

- We're gonna sing?
- Yes, we're gonna sing.

- Can I finally be Dusty?
- Yes, you can!

- Oh, my God, let's do it!
- Let's do this!

DOM: "I will never suck a cock again."

FRANK: That's my advice.
Stay away from rent boys.

Right?

AGUSTÍN: This was actually
the first club me and Patty

- ever came to in the city.
- Yes.

- That's also where me and Patty hooked up.
- True.

- Ha. Yes, it was.
- Ooh, hold on a second.

Muscle Mary and Goody Two-shoes?

- Get the fuck outta here, there's no way.
- "Goody Two-shoes"?

- Really?
- I didn't know you guys hooked up.

- Oh, yeah.
- Yes, yes, but it was a long time ago,

and we do not need to go back there.

- Uh, yeah, we do.
- Come on.

- No, we do not!
- ALL: Story, story, story!

Uh, once upon a time,
there was a pretty princess called Patty.

He was all by himself, poor lonely baby.

Totally wasted
and dancing to Britney, remember?

Yeah. Mmm-hmm. I do.

And I'm assuming we've all seen
Patty's drunk dancing.

- Uh-huh.
- I have.

- Oh.
- Yeah? What's it like?

- Enthusiastic.
- (LAUGHTER)

Did you guys fuck?

(LAUGHTER)

I wouldn't say "fuck."

It was more like side-by-side jerking off,

although, I do remember
almost giving you a blowjob.

Oh, I remember you licking the sides

but refusing to put the tip in.

- (LAUGHTER)
- What can I say?

- I was very disease-phobic in those days.
- It's true.

I had a lot of self-loathing back then.

- Back then?
- Aw, come on.

That was a joke! That was a joke!

Well, I'm glad you cried on my shoulder

and I didn't put my dick in your butt
'cause look where we are now.

(CHUCKLES) That's true.

- Right?
- Yeah.

- Hey, faggots!
- (CHEERING AND LAUGHTER)

Oh, my God, I am so glad you came in for this.

He never would have did it
without his maid of dishonor.

I wouldn't have missed this for the world,
are you kidding?

- Please.
- And this is my friend, Jake.

He's my oldest and dearest from Chicago.

I'm trying to get him to move here,
so, please, play nice with others!

Hi.

Oh, Jake, I want you to meet Dom. Dom?

- Hey.
- Hi.

He saw your pic,
and he really wants to taste your chicken.

- Eddie. Shh.
- (LAUGHTER)

Okay.

- What?
- What was that?

He's cute! You've literally
had nothing for months.

- Exactly.
- Plus, from what Eddie says,

he has the most beautiful penis
in all of Illinois.

Ooh.

- Oh, shit!
- Come on, baby, dance with me.

Our last time as single boys.

Come on! A nice Midwestern girl.

What?

He's really cute!
I feel like you should go for it!

- You're as bad as Doris!
- Oh, come on. What's the harm?

In a little... Wait, wait, wait, I gotta pee.

Okay.

Hey, I wanna see you guys
on the dance floor later.

Both of you.

- Tequila! Tequila?
- Yeah!

- Tequila?
- DORIS: I wanna dance on the bar!

(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)

RICHIE: Hey.

Last time I was here, I was in a leather vest.

Oh, I remember.

That seems like a long time ago.

Yeah, it does.

I'm glad you left, you know?

- What?
- Well, you know what I mean.

It...

It took a lot of guts,

and it seems to have done you a lot of good.

You think?

Sometimes you gotta leave things behind
so you can move forward.

I got you a tequila.

Oh, good! Thank you!

Well, you haven't tasted it yet.
It's the cheap stuff.

(CHUCKLES)

- Cheers.
- Cheers!

(PIECE OF ME PLAYING)

- Oh, that is the cheap stuff!
- Get your ass on the dance floor!

How can I resist the call of Britney?

(LAUGHS)

You coming?

Uh, I think I need another drink first,

but looking forward to seeing your moves!

- You all right seeing him?
- I can't hear you!

Richie!

It's fine!

- Let's just dance!
- Okay!

- It's Britney, bitch!
- It's Britney, bitch!

Holy fuck! That is...

Wow, you're really good at that.

I've been training.

I think I want you to fuck me.

Hmm?

We don't have to if you don't want to.

- Don't you wanna fuck me?
- Yeah.

Well, then do it. All right?

Okay.

Oh, fuck, you feel so good.

Oh, yeah. Can you...
Hey, yeah, can you put the brakes on a bit?

Yeah, sorry. Is it hurting?

- Don't flatter yourself.
- Oh.

No, I just don't wanna cum too...

Okay, it's way too late for that.

- Oh, shit.
- Just go faster.

- Okay.
- Faster.

- (GROANS)
- Yes.

Oh, fucking... Fucking hell.

Oh, yeah.

- Oh, shit. Oh, shit.
- (GROANS)

- Oh, Jesus Christ, fuck me.
- (GROANS)

Harder, harder, harder.

Oh, fuck! Fuck, I'm gonna cum.

- Okay.
- Oh, yeah.

Fuck.

- Oh, yeah.
- Oh! Oh, fuck.

- Oh, fuck.
- (GROANS)

(BOTH GROANING)

(BOTH PANTING)

(CHUCKLES)

So how do you like it at Zynga?

Uh, you get free Reese's Pieces,
so what's not to love?

Oh, that's how they get you, all that sugar.

But you gotta watch out.
You don't want to get stuck in their flytraps.

Is that why you left MDG?

Something like that.

Oh, come on, spill the beans.

Okay, fine. I was in
a relationship with my boss.

But after we broke up, going into the office

was like that movie Saw

except without the cute guy
chained to the wall.

(BEEPING)

It wasn't Kevin Matheson, was it?

What?

Oh, my God, it was, wasn't it?

Why do you say that?

I just... I know he works there and he's gay.

Ugh, that's why I hate this fucking city.

It's so small.

Please don't tell me
that you had sex with him?

No, no, but I would.

Oh, God, those ears.

I would tug on those babies.

(STUTTERS) But I did interview
with him though, back in January.

- Oh, my God. For my job.
- Oh, my God.

(LAUGHS)

Anyway, I didn't get it.

I, uh, I heard he hired
some 19-year-old muscle queen from LA.

(CHUCKLES)

Of course he did.

Uh, I take it you two don't talk.

- You and Kevin.
- Talk? No.

But he, uh, he paypals me
every now and again

for this game we designed together.

- Ah. Cha-ching.
- Oh, I wish.

I would so happily give up those $90

just so I don't see his name in my inbox.

So why don't you?

You have to bury your dead real good,

you know, so they don't
come back and haunt you.

Who made you so fucking wise?

What? I'm 22.

I've had my fair share of boyfriends.

(CHUCKLES) Really? At 22?

You must have started pretty young.

Uh, sixteen.

You had a boyfriend
when you were 16 years old?

Yeah.

He's quite butch, isn't he? Kevin.

He's not so butch
when he's got his legs in the air.

Is he a hungry bottom?

- Super hungry.
- Oh, fuck yeah. That's awesome.

So is he why you left San Francisco?

(SCOFFS) Kevin? No.
He's not getting full credit for that.

Then why did you leave?

A lot of different reasons.

To be honest,

I sort of made a mess
of this other relationship

with someone else I was with.

Hmm, I'm sensing a theme.

(CHUCKLES) Yeah, exactly.

And after Kevin,
I sort of realized what an idiot I'd been,

but it was too late then.

That ship had sailed.

I'm sorry.

No, don't be.
It was actually the best thing for both of us.

And the truth is,
even if that ship hadn't sailed,

I probably would have found a way to sink it
before it left the harbor anyway.

- So off you went.
- Yes.

- (COUGHS)
- So then I just... I went to Denver

and I swore myself
off relationships completely in the process,

which was probably better for everyone
in the long run.

But it was also

about just being tired
of my life not moving forward, you know?

Or at least not moving in the right direction.

Going away was about
pressing the reset button

and starting over.

Do you know what I mean?

Sure, yeah.

And so?

So what?

Did it work?

The reset, did it work?

(SOFT CHUCKLE)

(NO MORE TANGLES PLAYING)

(FOOTSTEPS)

Hey, lazy bones.

(GROANS) Hi.

Could have slept in your old bed.

I thought... Wasn't that Jake guy in there?

No, of course not.

Okay.

Thank you.

And Agustín's at Eddie's place.
You could have slept in his room.

I'm not getting in those sheets.

- Hmm. I don't blame you.
- (CHUCKLES)

What time is it?

It's the afternoon.

- I gotta get to work.
- Hmm.

You can come if you want.

Yeah. I wanna see the window.

That way you can tell me all the dirty,
disgusting things you did to that poor child.

Mmm.

(SIGHS)

I rimmed him, he rimmed me,

I fucked him, he fucked me.

It was very democratic.

I gotta say, I am loving
all this sex-positive sex

you've been having lately. Huh?

You're sure it doesn't make me a slut?

But does it make you feel positive?

Most of the time.

Well, there you go.

But then afterwards...

I don't know.

What happened?

Nothing happened.

Then what?

I don't know. Maybe it's that

I went away to Colorado and everything was
out of sight and out of mind,

and now I'm back and then there it all is.

There what is?

- Everything I thought I dealt with.
- Like what?

Do you think I should
see Kevin while I'm here?

Oh, God, why would you even
think about doing that?

I don't know, just to close the chapter?

Bury the dead?

See if he's gotten fat and gross?

Just assume he's gotten
fat and gross and move on.

You're right.

- I am. Trust me.
- Totally, man.

Oh, my God!

- I forgot that you have a parklet!
- Yeah!

- Holy shit, it looks so good!
- Right?

If this doesn't mean you've made it,

- I don't know what does. You have a parklet.
- Hey.

- Hi.
- Hi.

What, is it Bring Your Daughter to Work Day
or something?

- What are you doing here?
- What are you doing here?

Well, I came to talk to you.
I didn't come to talk to you.

- Go home.
- I'm sorry. I can go home.

No, it's fine. Fine. Please.

Um, does anybody, first of all, have a donut?
I'm starving.

And what do you do for a hangover?

And I want to throw up.

PATRICK: And he was totally into Dom, too.

- He was? Great.
- Yes.

- And was he nice?
- He was very nice.

Oh. So did you fuck him?

Is he gonna move in with ya?

Help you clean the grease stains
off your aprons?

Uh, no. No to both of those.

And do we really need to have
this conversation again?

Again? We're having it again?

How can that be?
I haven't seen you in months.

- I saw you last night.
- Aw, it didn't count.

Well, that was before you ran home
for a hot bubble bath and an early night.

Yeah, well, I don't get to stay out the all hours
just enjoying myself anymore.

Uh, it never used to stop you.

Um, not that I'm taking Doris' side here,

but why didn't you have sex with Jake?

He lives in Chicago. It would just be sex.

Mmm.

I want to keep my focus clear.

I don't want to complicate things right now.

(SCOFFS) Complicate things.

Doesn't mean you gotta turn into, like,

- Sister Dominic of the Tenderloin.
- That's it!

That should be the name
for the second window.

- (PATRICK CHUCKLES)
- Are you kidding me?

This is so what he's like, Patrick!

This is what I have to deal with.

The only thing he ever thinks about is work.

DOM: Well, is that so bad right now?

I think that all we're saying is
it's okay to have a little fun.

- Yes.
- Get your hands on some skin

- that doesn't belong to a plucked chicken.
- Ew.

Okay, listen.

I appreciate the concern.

I do.

But I'm fine.

You know, finally I know what it is that I want,

and better still,
I can actually see a way of getting it.

I've got some purpose.

And you think sex could risk that?

- Yeah, or maybe even a relationship?
- Very possibly.

I don't... God, I don't...

I don't want to sound like some kind of...

One of those, I don't know,
gross, coupled-up,

- relationship evangelist things...
- And yet...

But you liked being with Lynn.

Yes, of course I did.

But that's not what I want right now.

I don't want to compromise

and relationships take a lot of compromise.

- Can I say one thing?
- Would it matter if I said no?

This... This has happened.

It's working. You're all good.
You're not gonna fuck it up.

It's not suddenly gonna turn to shit.

All right? And believe me, I know the feeling.

But I'm not my mom.

All right? And you're not your dad.

- (PHONE RINGING)
- Shit. I'm sorry.

You... Am I being too...

Oh, whatever. (SIGHS)

- (SIGHS)
- Hey.

Uh, yeah.

Yeah, I could do that.

Yes.

Yes, yes. Yeah, I'll meet you there.

Uh, yes, I will meet you there right now.

Okay. All right, I'll see you soon.

Bye.

Okay.

Does anybody want to
come with me to Indian Rock?

I think that Agustín might be having a crisis.

Oh, fuck, no.

- Not in a million years do I want to do that.
- (LAUGHTER)

Oh, God.

- I have to go.
- You're on your own.

- Okay. Good luck.
- Good luck.

- Good luck.
- Yeah.

Mmm. You're so gonna get laid
smelling like that. Bye.

(CHUCKLES)

Oh, good, Patrick, we're together again.

PATRICK: What happened?

You seemed so calm yesterday.

AGUSTÍN: Yeah, I was calm,

but then I woke up this morning with this,

like, pain in my stomach

like I had an ulcer that was about to burst.

PATRICK: Well, it's a stressful thing
you're doing, getting married.

AGUSTÍN: I guess.

PATRICK: I mean, you're getting committed
to somebody else.

That's a big thing.

AGUSTÍN: I don't think
your choice of vocabulary is helping.

Do you love him?

Do I love him?

Yeah. Do you love Eddie?

I always used to say
that love is a social construct

that doesn't really exist.

I didn't believe you then
and I don't believe you now.

Okay, so what is it?

(SCOFFS) Christ, don't ask me.

Seriously, how would you define it?

Okay, let me ask you a different question.

Does the idea of being with Eddie
make you happy?

Like, the two of you
getting old and gray together,

- smoking weed to ease the arthritis?
- (CHUCKLES)

Yeah, that thought does make me happy.

Why?

- Why?
- Yeah.

I don't know. I...

- I like his beard.
- (CHUCKLES)

I like his hat collection, I like that

whenever I have someone
I want to bitch about

or there's something funny that I see,

he's the person I want to tell.

He's my best friend, I guess.

I'm oddly jealous
that I'm no longer your best friend.

Okay, he's my best friend
that I want to have sex with.

Also, he has a huge penis.

Isn't that everything?

I mean, not the penis part obviously,
but the other stuff?

Maybe if you just focus on that,

this won't seem like such a big deal.

Right?

(SIGHS)

Actually, I don't even think
this is about Eddie.

This isn't like some Runaway Bride moment

where I feel like there's someone else
out there for me.

Then what is it?

Remember when we first came here?

- After we started college?
- Of course.

We talked about our big life plan.

Among other things.

If you'd told me then that a decade later,

I'd be working at the Art Institute
as a shop manager

and getting hitched to a man, I...

What did you know about anything
in those days?

I mean, we couldn't even
get married back then.

You heard those guys last night.

- Frank, especially him, Dom, Brady...
- Ugh.

Don't listen to anything Brady says.
He's like a

blog that nobody reads but in human form.

But those guys were right. I...

I used to think that
I would be like Keith Haring

or Robert Mapplethorpe,
but instead, I've become

Neil Patrick Harris, only not as cool

'cause I can't tap dance.

You could learn.

Ugh, I'm being serious, Patty.

I'm not who I thought I'd be,
and that's tough for me to take.

I've become everything
that I've rallied against

for years very loudly.

Well, you're allowed to change.

Especially when you've found something
that works for you.

But what happens if I get married
and I freak out?

Not about Eddie, but about me.

What happens if I can't cope
that this new me is so far

from who I thought I'd be
that I fuck everything up?

What happens if I hurt Eddie?

I don't want to do that to him.

(STUTTERING) I can't... I can't do that to him.

What makes you think you'll do that?

Because it's what I do, for fuck's sake!

Before you know it, I'll be on a...

On the phone with CJ, and I'll get him
and a couple of other rent boys to fuck Eddie

just so I could feel better about myself.

I doubt that very much.
I think you learned your lesson there.

(CHUCKLES)

Did I?

(SIGHS)

You know what I love

over the last couple years?

When you found that
something didn't work for you,

you somehow found a way to fix it,

and that made you happy.

- Right?
- I suppose.

I mean, you are happier now
than you've ever been.

Not in this particular moment,
obviously, but who cares

if you aren't who you thought you were
gonna be when you were 18 years old.

You have had 10 years of experience

to figure out what it is you really need.

That's well said.

And you know what?

This is not a Katherine Heigl movie.

Fuck her. This is your
Sigourney Weaver Alien trilogy.

(LAUGHS)

- You've got so much left to go.
- (GROANS)

You could even start up
your art practice again.

- Oh, no, that's a scary thought.
- (CHUCKLES)

Scarier than the alien.

- (BOTH CHUCKLE)
- That's true.

Forget I said the last part,
but you know what I mean.

I miss you.

I miss you, too.

(SIGHS)

(SIRENS WAILING)

Oh, my God, we're just like Julianne Moore

and Annette Bening in
The Kids Are All Right.

(MUFFLED LAUGH) Totally!

Who am I?

Annette Bening, obviously.

"You're sleeping with him, aren't you?"

(LAUGHING)

Dom,

do you think things would have been different
for me if I came out when I was 16?

- Different how?
- I don't know, just different.

More adjusted,
like Jimmy from the other night

or better at being in relationships maybe.

I thought you didn't want a relationship.

Yeah, well, maybe I was kidding myself
just a little bit.

- At least you admit it.
- (CHUCKLES)

So what do you think?

Well, I may not be the best person
to ask about relationships

since my history is with a meth-head
and an old dude in love with a dead guy...

- (CHUCKLES)
- ...but maybe it's not worth thinking about.

You can't go back in time.

You know, maybe everything
would have taken

a very different turn if you had managed
to shoehorn your dick into my butt

- all those years ago.
- Oh, God, seriously?

Yeah.

I would have gotten over
my anal sex fear a lot earlier.

Probably a lot of other fears, too.

Remember in that movie 2012
when California sank into the Pacific?

- You really think it would have been that bad?
- Yes.

And plus, we never would've
become best friends

and that would have been a real shame.

That's true.

I am glad that you're my best friend now.

Especially since Agustín's out of the picture.

(CHUCKLES)

So what if we got together now?

Sure.

I don't want a relationship,
but for you, I'll make an exception.

Oh, come on. (COUGHS)

- It's not the worst idea in the world.
- It's up there.

- You just said we're best friends, all right?
- Yeah.

And that is the perfect basis
for a relationship.

- Says who?
- Says Agustín.

What the hell does he know?

I mean,

we don't make each other sick, like,

physically, right?

Or do I make you sick?

That depends on what I've eaten.

I don't know. I mean,

maybe this has been staring us
in the face the whole time.

You are actually scaring me right now.

No, listen, we understand
and accept each other's flaws.

Your work is important to you
as mine is to me.

We like the same movies.

- I mean, on paper, it's...
- (LAUGHING)

Would you stop laughing?

On paper, it sounds totally right.

You are not being serious.

(CHUCKLES)

- Not really.
- Okay, good.

But it would be nice, wouldn't it?

To

suddenly find something by mistake
that makes sense.

That

makes it all

easier.

(MUFFLED CHUCKLES)

- What just happened?
- I kissed you.

- Why?
- I just... I don't know.

I was just... I felt like it.

I wanted to see if you were right.

Okay.

And you looked a little sad, so...

(BOTH CHUCKLE)

How did it feel?

- A little bit weird, if I'm honest, yeah.
- Right?

- Yeah.
- Yeah? Like kissing your brother?

Yeah. Oh, God.

- I can't believe we did that.
- Oh... Oh, my God.

- Oh...
- I think maybe I'm a little stoned.

- Yeah, me, too.
- Okay. Good.

Oh, we should sleep.

(CHUCKLES)

I'm sorry I made you make out with me.

Well, you did say you wanted me
to have some fun.

So fun.

(BOTH CHUCKLE)

- Go again?
- (LAUGHTER)

Oh, God.

It's so hard to know

- if you're doing the right thing, isn't it?
- Yes.

(SIGHS)

So what's the answer?

Oh, fuck knows.

Although maybe you were right this morning.

About what?

About closing the chapter.

It's so easy to let the past
make a mess of the present.

You should try not
to let that happen, just FYI.

(BIRDS WARBLING)

(CELL PHONE CHIMES)

(CELL PHONE CHIMES)

(CLICKING KEYS)

(HORNS HONKING)

(INDISTINCT ANNOUNCEMENT ON P.A.)

(SIREN WAILING)

Well, this is a surprise.

- You're blond.
- Yeah, I'm blond.

- (CHUCKLES)
- You had your hair cut, too.

You look well.

(CHUCKLES) You didn't need to dress up.

Yeah.

Agustín's getting married today,
actually, so...

- To Eddie? Fuck.
- Yeah.

Well, I'd never put money on that lasting.

Yeah, well, love is
a mysterious game, I guess.

Yeah.

You look well, too, by the way.

Thank you.

So should we just stand here
and tell each other how well we look

or should we go get that coffee
and explain why you texted me?

- Let's do that.
- Okay.

- I'm thinking this way.
- Yeah.

- Cool?
- Yes, let's do it.

Cool.

So, how's Denver?

I love what you guys are doing there.

- It's good.
- Yeah?

- Yeah.
- I hear you're finally heading your own team.

That's a good thing.

That's something that should have happened
a long time ago.

- Thanks.
- A word of advice though.

Don't go falling for any of your subordinates.

(CHUCKLES)

I'll try my best.

How's MDG?

And Owen?

- I haven't really...
- Talked to him? Yeah, I know.

- Yeah.
- He's good. He's been promoted.

Oh, Meredith, she finally came out.

What?

I'm kidding.

Here.

Thank you.

You look different.

Not completely different, but...

Well, I lost a little weight.

- Maybe it's that, right?
- Maybe.

I've piled on the pounds.

Jon finally embraced my love of fried chicken.

Jon?

Oh, yeah, we got back together.

- Really?
- Mmm-hmm.

Oh, does that surprise you?

I don't know.

Maybe not.

Do you know, in many ways,
what happened between us,

it was a good thing.

- The breakup...
- BARISTA: The large filter, solo, black?

Yeah, that's me. Thank you.

I mean, the whole thing,
it just made me think deeply

about what I wanted, what I needed
in a relationship to make it work.

So, in many ways, I'm quite thankful

that you came into my life and fucked it up

because it's better now.

(CHUCKLES)

I don't really know how to answer that.

Jon and me are actually...

We're actually really good.

We had some therapy,

which I would highly recommend for you.

- You're not the first person to suggest that.
- Not surprising.

And then we came to fully understand

our wants and our needs.

You know, you've been here too long.

You're even starting
to sound like an American.

- Yeah, well...
- BARISTA: Small ecstatic iced coffee?

Thank you.

And now if I meet Chris Pratt
down at Fitness First,

I can jerk him off to my heart's content,
and that's completely fine.

Well, I'm happy for you.

- Oh?
- And Jon. And Chris Pratt.

Ah. Well, I don't 100% believe that.

No, I...

It's not like I ever wanted you to be miserable.

I'm...

(SIGHS)

I'm glad it's worked out for you.

Mmm-hmm.

Shall we sit?

Yeah.

Basically, I want to hand over
all the rights to you for the app.

Okay.

Well, we didn't need to meet for that.

I know, but this...

It's better to do it like this.

I mean, I could have a guy
draw up a document,

- but I feel like...
- Well, what if it makes a fortune?

It's hardly Minecraft.

Okay, but it could still
end up making us some money.

"Stereotyped, cliché-ridden dross."

Or my personal favorite,
"What the fuck is the point?"

Mmm-hmm.

Why do you read what people say?

- Don't you?
- Yeah, but I don't care.

Anyway, making money was never the point.

What was the point?

I just...

(SIGHS)

I feel like it doesn't make sense
for us to do it anymore

together.

Okay, I'm going to ask you something.

- Okay.
- Were you ever actually in love with me?

Yes.

I think so.

I mean,

- I certainly loved the idea of us.
- 'Cause I could have made it work.

I could've.

When I said I wanted to be
monogamous with you, I meant it.

I didn't want you to make a promise
you couldn't keep.

Fuck you. How'd you know I wouldn't keep it?

Anyway, that's not why we broke up.

- We just weren't right for each other.
- No, no, no.

- How do you know that?
- I just did. I...

- I do.
- But you didn't even try.

You didn't even try. You moved in one day,
you moved out the next.

You didn't even fucking unpack.

- Listen, I admit that I handled that horribly...
- Yes.

...but I apologize for that.

And,

(SIGHS)

isn't it better to quit
rather than drag out something

that you know won't work?

Okay, well, in a nutshell,
there's your problem.

- What is?
- You, you, you.

You quit, you run away.

You don't take risks, ever.

What are you talking about?
I moved in with you.

No, no, no. Patrick, the risk

would have been trying to make it work.

The risk would have been putting in
the hard graft to make it work.

Now, I don't want to seem like a cunt,
but you are a coward.

Oh, I don't think that's fair.

I couldn't trust you anymore.

And I... (SCOFFS)
I don't know what hard graft means,

but I don't think I've been a coward at all.

Okay, well, I think the facts tell
a very different story.

Would a coward have moved
to a different city?

A new job? Left everything behind?

(CHUCKLES)

You basically moved home.

And are you sure you didn't run away
and not move away?

They're two very different things.

And what next?
What next for Patrick Murray? Huh?

When that doesn't work out,
I'll bet you a million dollars,

you're already looking for the next thing.

You are.

I know you.

You run away and you are a coward.

You were a coward with me.

- You were a coward with Richie.
- Enough, Kevin.

- You hit a few potholes in the road...
- Jesus.

...and instead of trying to navigate through it,
you slam your brakes on,

you start crying
and you run the other direction.

Look, I did not come here

to get nailed to the cross
or to get us both upset.

So why did you come here then?

Huh? Honestly, and please,
please don't use the app as an excuse.

- I came here to close a chapter.
- (SCOFFS)

To see if we could move forward from this.

Oh, what, become friends?
Is that what you want?

Cool. Why don't you come over to my house

and then we can all have a barbecue,

me, you, and Jon?

Do you...

I mean, do you really think

that you and me could ever be friends?

No.

Sadly.

Sorry. I really didn't want it to be like this.

I shouldn't have texted.

No, I mean, it's good, isn't it?
It's a good thing.

And it needed to be done.

Just, um, draw up the contract. I'll sign it.

Thinking about it, it's probably
the right thing for me, too.

Kevin,

do you honestly think we would've worked?

I'd liked to have given it a try.

Look, I wasn't gonna tell you this,

but seeing as I'm gonna make
a fortune off One Up Him...

Tell me what?

I know of a, uh, job position coming up here
that you'd be good for, in SF.

At MDG?

I don't...

Well, don't worry. I'm not going to be there.

Jon and I are moving to London.

- Really?
- Yeah.

He got a job offer there,

and I've been missing home a lot.

Are you done with San Francisco?

So, if that's something
that you'd be interested in,

I can make it happen,
but I do have to warn you,

Owen will hate you,

but he would also love to have you back.

Why would you do that for me?

Seriously. After

everything?

Well, because despite everything, Patrick,

I just want you to be happy, man.

Why?

Why?

'Cause I love you.

Look, don't stay in Denver.

Come back. And you can take that
from someone who moves around

to constantly avoid dealing with things.

It never works,
but I think you know that already.

Look, if you're interested, just e-mail me.

We don't need to talk again.

One last hug?

(SIGHS)

Oh, shit.

(HORN BLARING)

(CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKING)

Hey, sorry I'm late.

- There was trouble on the, uh...
- That's okay. Are you okay?

- Yeah, I'm fine. Are you good?
- Yeah. I'm good.

- Good.
- Don't worry.

- Where's Eddie?
- Mmm.

He's using the toilet for, like, the 11th time.

- I'm getting married to an old lady.
- Mmm.

Oh, where the fuck is he?

Hurry up. huh?

- We're gonna lose our spot in line.
- Have you seen it up there?

It's like every fucker in the city
is getting married.

I nearly got run over
by a stampede of bridesmaids.

- Why don't we have bridesmaids?
- You have us.

- Yeah.
- I'm Italian for Christ's sake.

This is gonna be the smallest Italian wedding
in the history of time.

Okay, this is just paperwork.

We're gonna party tonight.

Yeah? Then why am I wearing this?

Like wearing what?
You're not wearing a wedding dress.

Maybe I should be.

And maybe we should be
getting married in a church, giving thanks

- to the great white man in the sky for our love.
- That's not what I said.

Look, we're not doing this for other people.

We're not doing this for our parents.

We're not doing this for people
we don't give a fuck about.

We're doing this for us.
That's what we discussed.

Well, shouldn't my mother at least be here?

Otherwise, why are we doing this?

I mean, what is this? (CHUCKLES)

Oh, my God.

Why are we doing this at all?

Okay, can we at least check in?

I have to toilet again,
and this time, it's not pee.

No, no, no. Hold it in, okay?

You have a powerful sphincter.
Come on. Vamos.

All right, uh... I'll meet you guys up there.

- Jake, can we get Mama on FaceTime?
- Yes, yes, yes.

I got this.

We should man the exits.
Eddie is surprisingly fast.

He's not gonna do that, is he?

Mmm, he's had that look in his eyes before.

I think Agustín's gonna figure it out.

Yeah, where were you?

Uh, nowhere.

- So why do you look so...
- I look fine.

Shit, I need to pee now.

- Really?
- So do I.

What?

I really do.

Okay, well, you guys pee
and I'll meet you up there.

- Yeah.
- All right.

(SIGHS)

WOMAN:...by the state of California,

I pronounce you partners for life.

Now, you may kiss.

(LAUGHTER)

- (CHEERING)
- MAN: That's great.

Thank you so much.

Thank you...

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

(FOOTSTEPS)

Oh, hello.

Sorry, I think that we're next.

Are you Rankin or Lanuez?

Oh, no, I'm not getting married.

It's my friends, but, uh,
they'll just be a minute.

They're, uh...

- Last-minute nerves?
- (SIGHS)

Something like that.

Well, it's very common.

I wouldn't worry.

Those two have been together for 45 years.

That's amazing.

Yes, it is. (CHUCKLES)

- Can I ask you something?
- Of course.

How long have you been doing this?

A very long time,
but some people would say too long.

(CHUCKLES)

And, uh,

are you able to tell if it's gonna work or not?

Uh, sometimes, uh,

maybe I can tell who wants it more
than the other one.

- Yeah.
- Or, you know,

who's gotten real and whose head
is still in the clouds,

who's willing or unwilling to, um, adapt.

And

do you really think
that people can change for each other?

I prefer adapt to change.

It's, uh, a little more realistic.

Plus, I read somewhere that every part of us

has something to do with
the part that came before.

Every new part is... Does that sound corny?

It's... Well, it works for me. (CHUCKLES)

Maybe that's why we keep
making the same mistakes.

(LAUGHS) Probably.

How long have you been married?

Oh, uh... Uh...

Between you and me, not married.

But your ring.

It's a prop.

Nobody wants a fat trainer at the gym.

- You know what I mean?
- (CHUCKLES)

Okay.

You okay? You all set?

Yes.

- Lanuez?
- I got her.

- Oh, it's my mom!
- MOTHER: Agustín!

- Say hi!
- Hi, Mama!

Hi!

I'm sorry, I think we'll just be
one more minute.

- Sure. Take your time.
- Okay. Thank you.

- Thank you. Appreciate it.
- Is everything all right?

- It is now.
- What'd you say?

Let's just say he's a big
Sigourney Weaver fan,

- so, thank you for that.
- Oh, it's my pleasure.

That's what, uh, maids of dishonor are for.

I just told him that this marriage can be

whatever we want it to be.

Yeah, exactly.

I mean, it's not like
you're just gonna suddenly be

- monogamous and move to the suburbs.
- Well, no.

And that I love him, and he loves me.

So, what's the worst that could happen?

Doesn't work out, it doesn't work out,
but at least we tried.

Yeah.

Let's fucking do this.

Oh.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

- Yeah, you got it all done, right?
- Yeah.

Great. Perfect.
And if you would just take a look at that,

make sure we're saying
everything we want to say.

Yeah, yeah, I'm good.

- Hey, Mama.
- WOMAN: Edward, you have chosen

Agustín to be your partner in life.

Will you strive to love and respect him always,

be honest and kind,
and stand by him whatever may come?

I do.

Agustín, you've chosen Edward
to be your partner in life.

Will you strive to love and respect him always,

be honest and kind,
and stand by him whatever may come?

I do. Yes.

(BOTH CHUCKLE)

And do you both promise
to make the necessary adjustments

in your personal and professional lives

in order that you may live
in a harmonious relationship together?

- We do.
- EDDIE: We do.

WOMAN: Inasmuch as you, Edward,
and you, Agustín,

have pledged your love to each other

in front of these witnesses,

by the power vested in me
by the state of California,

I pronounce you partners in life.

- Mmm.
- Ah!

- Now you may kiss.
- (LAUGHTER)

(WHISTLES)

- MOTHER: I can't believe it!
- (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

Oh, my God.

EDDIE: Now what?

Uh, now we get drunk
and we take a lot of fucking drugs.

Sorry, Mom. Sorry, Mom.

- (LAUGHTER)
- Let's do this!

Surreal!

This is crazy!

- Yeah, let's do this!
- (MUSIC PLAYING IN CLUB)

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

You look great! You look so good!

Congratulations.

- You guys look amazing.
- Thank you.

- Hi.
- Hi.

- EDDIE: Hey, how you doing?
- Good. How are you?

- EDDIE: Really good. Good to see you.
- Good to see you.

- Hey.
- Hey, there.

How'd it go?

- It was really sweet.
- What's up, Malik?

Thanks for coming, man. I really appreciate it.

- Agustín didn't freak out?
- (CHUCKLES)

- Yesterday, but not today.
- Ah.

Eddie though, that was a close call.

- Really?
- Yeah.

It's so easy to disregard

all of this, all this, like,
being able to get married stuff

and what it means,
but when we were in city hall today,

in public, in front of total strangers...

I don't know.

In a few years,
this is all just gonna be normal.

Right? It'll just be a way of life,

and that's great, but, wow, now for us,

and for all those people that came before us,

you know, that actually had to
struggle against something,

just pretty fucking incredible, right?

It is.

And you can't help but feel... (SIGHS)

I don't know, validated.

Even though I know
we shouldn't need that validation.

Because just because you feel
you shouldn't need something,

it doesn't mean you don't.

- Hi, Pattycakes!
- Hey!

Mmm.

- Sorry I didn't get you one.
- It's okay.

What are we talking about?

Just how great it is.

- Them getting married.
- Mmm.

Champagne? Yeah?

- Yeah!
- Let's do this!

- Whoo!
- (CHEERING)

Hey, man, can I please get a tequila?

Thank you.

Hey, have you seen Dom?

Uh, yeah, he's around here somewhere.

Ugh.

I've been... I've already...
I made a round. Oh, God.

I so know that look.

Weddings are awful, aren't they?
They're horrible.

You have to take solace in knowing that
it's gonna end in divorce, guaranteed.

Malik seems to be enjoying himself.

I know! (LAUGHS)

He's dancing with a bunch of bears!

Oh, no. Should I be worried?

Are you sure you don't want to
lock that down with a wedding ring?

- He's total beefcake.
- Oh, God.

Wedding rings don't do shit, all right?

Babies, on the other hand,
so much harder to flush down a toilet.

You gotta really...

- What?
- ...work out. What?

What? Oh, my God. What?

I'm so drunk, y'all. What'd I say?

- Oh, my God.
- Oh, my God, are you...

I'm not. No, no, no. No!

I'm not... You think I'm pregnant?

No, I'm not. I wouldn't be drinking if I was.

Well, then again, if I was my mother,
I would be, right?

Oh, my gosh, you are, aren't you?

No, I'm not, okay?

But okay, Sherlock Homo.

You got... Malik and me,
we are talking about having a baby, yes.

- Doris, this is incredible news!
- (LAUGHS)

- Oh, God, is it?
- Yeah!

That I'm becoming this big, old cliché
is incredible news?

Cliché? No, if you want to have a baby,
you want to have a baby, right?

Yeah, I guess.

Oh, my God, does Dom know?

No. I was gonna tell him yesterday,

but then you ruined it.

- Oh, my...
- Get a second...

- I haven't. Oh, God. Okay.
- What?

- Tell him now.
- No!

- What?
- Tell him!

Oh, shit. Take it easy, okay?

- You're making... (STUTTERS) I... Nothing!
- (LAUGHS)

It's just Malik and me are...
We're talking about having a baby,

- which probably...
- What?

I may not even be able to have one, okay?

'Cause I'm old. There's gonna be nothing
but sand pouring out of me, who knows.

- Are you kidding me?
- And if we have one, it's gonna have

- his weird chest hair and my overbite.
- Are you kidding me?

No, I'm not kidding. No.
We are talking about it.

- Yeah.
- Okay.

- Unfortunately, that's...
- Wow, I...

- Where it's going...
- I can't...

I'm gonna be an uncle?

- Yep, you're gonna be a gunkle.
- Why didn't you tell me?

Just... I don't know, I just...

But why wouldn't you tell me that?

I don't... Because I guess I...

Because I thought that
if I was gonna have a baby

in my life, I honestly thought

I was gonna have one with you,
and I'm not going to

be having one with you.

Doris...

- I know it's stupid...
- This is better!

- Oh!
- It's so much better!

All right, you're spilling your beer
all over me, too.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

- Okay.
- That's just fucking amazing.

Yeah. Oh, the miracle of life.

Okay, listen,
I'm not gonna get married though, all right?

So, don't bring that up. I believe that's such...

I'm gonna... It's gonna be a bastard child.

That's what we want,
and for God sakes, please let it be a gay baby.

- I want a gay baby.
- Well, with you as its mother,

the poor fuck doesn't have a choice.

Right? I know.

But before I ruin my life,
I wanna do some drugs tonight,

- pretend we're 25.
- Fuck yes!

Handsome Jake has some, uh, moon rocks.

- "Handsome Jake"?
- Are you up for it?

- Yes, I'm up for it.
- Yeah.

Handsome Jake is, kind of,
weakening my resolve.

- Okay.
- Okay, all right, yes.

This evening is going to take a little turn.

- Yes!
- I thought it was gonna be a nightmare.

Wonderful. All right, let's do it.

Let's do it.

(DORIS CLEARS THROAT)

DORIS: Hey.

Also, this does not last forever,
this feeling you're having.

I know exactly what you're feeling, too.

This whole misery thing, it passes. It does.

If you want it to, it will, okay?

I'll talk to you later.

(AUTOMATIC PLAYING)

Patty!

- PATRICK: Hey, can I cut in?
- Yeah!

All right.

Oh, wow.

(CHEERING)

We have to tell our kids everyday

- that they are beautiful...
- (CHEERING)

...that their lives do matter,

that they deserve to be healthy,

and happy, and safe, and loved.

- (CHEERING)
- And that's what Eddie does.

Eddie does that every day
when he goes to work,

and that's why I love you, Eddie.

I'm proud of you,

I'm so happy that you found a man...

(LAUGHTER AND CHEERING)

...and thank you for inviting me
to be part of this tonight.

Now, where are those maids of dishonor?

- (CHEERING)
- Patrick, get your skinny ass up here.

MAN: That's great.

(CHEERING CONTINUES)

Okay.

Oh!

Okay, you beautiful boys, here we go.

Uh, I think everybody in this room can agree

that this, on one hand,
is the most surprising thing in the world,

but at the same time,
it makes total sense, am I right?

- (CHEERING)
- We love you, Patty!

PATRICK: No, this isn't about me.

I'm not gonna make this speech about me.

- Never gonna happen!
- Aw!

I wanna talk about Agustín.

(SIGHS)

We have been friends,
uh, for a very long time,

and there are a million reasons
why I love you,

but one of them, one of the biggest ones,

is that you are

always have been incredibly committed
to making the most of your life.

And even when you fuck up,
and we all fuck up, right?

- CROWD: Yes!
- Yes, we all fuck up.

You keep going despite any sort of doubts
that you might have

and you keep trying
to find the things that work for you,

and you found Eddie.

- Right?
- (CHEERING)

And... Yes.

And it is really clear that you two
are absolutely crazy about each other,

while at the same time,

being incredibly realistic
about what that means

and both being really committed

to figuring out how to make that work.

- (CHEERING)
- And I...

- I just think that that is...
- CROWD: Aw!

DORIS: Patrick!
AGUSTÍN: You're cute!

...amazing! And so,
before I start openly weeping,

let's raise a cheap cocktail
to Agustín and Eddie!

(CHEERING)

To Eddie and Agustín!

(CROWD GROANS)

PATRICK: That too, that too.

And now, everybody,
please welcome to the stage

my fellow maid of dishonor, Jake!

(CHEERING)

JAKE: Patrick, thank you. That was beautiful.

(MUSIC PLAYING)

Excuse me.

Hey, guys.

A better speech than last time.

Couldn't really have been any worse, right?

No, probably not.

Yeah, I need another drink.
Will you buy me another drink?

I don't have any cash left.

- Really? You don't think you've had enough?
- Oh, come on.

Come on. Big gay wedding, right?

I want to get super drunk,

so I can forget about
how dull we've all become.

Aren't you already super drunk?

Less of the nagging,
'50s housewife please, okay?

We aren't married.

Oh, I always thought you'd be the wife.

You'd look so good in an apron.

What was that?

(CHUCKLING) It was just a joke.

You called him a nagging wife and I...

- You would expect me to be the wife.
- Brady.

It was just a joke, that's all.

Is your femmephobia a joke all of a sudden?

- Brady...
- What? I'm kidding.

No, it's okay, it's okay. You can say it.

It's not like it's the, uh,
first time you've implied

that I'm everything that's wrong
with the gay community.

Okay, I said you and Kevin were, not you.

- Although...
- What are we talking about?

- Ooh!
- About Patrick being a shitty gay!

- RICHIE: Brady, what the fuck? Stop it!
- Oh, God!

I love it when gays argue
with other gays about being gays.

- Oh, it's fine.
- That's awesome.

Brady thinks he's the grand minister of queer.

The leader of the gay thought police.

Uh, it's called having a brain
that thinks about things.

- Sorry if I want us to be a little better.
- Okay, both of you, enough.

Wow. Okay.
It's a little frustrating that sometimes

Brady thinks there's only one way to be gay,
and that way is his way.

I'm just sick of people like you

giving us a bad name, okay?

You would think that if there was such a thing
as "us," there'd be a little more solidarity.

Well, maybe you don't deserve it.

- Brady, seriously, what the fuck?
- I will never understand

why you're so intent on making me feel bad

because I can't live up to some ideal

that I'll never live up to
because it just isn't who I am!

If you feel bad,

that's probably not my fault.

- Enough, okay?
- I'm sorry. Richie, you're right. I'm sorry.

Brady, I apologize, okay?

And I promise to read more of your articles

and hope that one day, I can finally learn

how to be gay
and be as perfectly adjusted as you!

Yeah, fuck you!

- Fuck you back!
- RICHIE: All right, that's it. We're out of here.

BRADY: Why are you taking his side?

- I'm not.
- Then why does it feel like you are?

- This has nothing to do with sides.
- Yeah.

Then what is it about then?

This is about you being too drunk,
and this is a party for Eddie and Agustín,

and it has nothing to do
with how you feel about Patrick.

- Well...
- Or how he feels about you, for that matter.

Typical that you would take his...

You wanna be with him?

- What?
- Is that what this is?

After all the shit he's put you through?

- Okay, you know what? We're out of here.
- Because I can guarantee,

he will do nothing but break your heart again.

Okay?

That your plan?

What?

You wanna fly in here on your private jet

and steal my fucking boyfriend?

Of course not.

Let's get the fuck out of here.

You're not gonna come, are you?

RICHIE: Come on, let's go.

- Are you okay, bud?
- He was just jealous.

What?

Everyone can see
there's something between you guys.

There's nothing between us.
We don't have anything,

yet I have managed
to fuck things up for him again.

Okay, that was totally not your fault.

I could have just shut the fuck up.

- Why can't I ever just shut the fuck up?
- Oh, shit, girl. You all right?

Hey, wait a second, you have a private jet?

How come you're so fucking ashamed
that you have a private jet?

That's a legitimate question.

All right, let's just stop this, okay?

I didn't come here
to just ruin everybody's weekend.

- Patty, you don't have to say that...
- I do, I do, I do.

- Let's just dance. Can we please just dance?
- ALL: Yes! Yeah! Okay!

Let's just all make our way to the dance
floor and dance, all right?

- DORIS: Come dance.
- Let's do it.

Sorry, sorry...

(SIGHS) Fuck.

(HOOD PLAYING)

- I should tell you something.
- What?

I'm thinking about leaving San Francisco.

What do you mean?

I've been thinking about it for a long time.

- Me and Brady were even talking about it...
- Do you mean, like...

Actually leaving, like, for good?

You did it.

You had the guts to do it.

Yeah, but I...

I think I was just running away.

Who cares?

Sometimes running away
is exactly what you need to do.

But you were born here. This is your home.

I mean, you've always been here.

Exactly.

Everyone else gets to come here
and start new.

I've...

I've never had that.

Where are you gonna go?

I have some family in Texas.

What are you gonna do in Texas?

I can take the truck. I can work.

At least there, I might get to do more
than just fades and hipster bullshit.

(CHUCKLES) Better not go to Austin then.

(CHUCKLES)

You know, it's...

It's funny or ironic or something

that you're thinking about leaving because

just today, I, uh...

I was offered a job back here.

Shit.

What?

I don't want you to do that.

What?

Come back here.

I need to do this, and I...

I don't need the temptation to stay. I...

I gotta get my head straight 'cause right now,

it's all over the fuckin' place.

There's so much that I need to sort out.

Like what?

I've been in a relationship
for a year with a guy

that I wasn't in love with.

I think...

Right now, I just need to be alone.

I get that.

(STAMMERS) I...

I totally get that. I get your desire to be alone.

I mean, it's...

That's what I've just done
for the last nine months.

But at the same time,

being back here, I've realized

that being alone isn't all it's cracked up to be.

Yeah, well,

we aren't the same person.

Well, we're not that different either.

I mean, wouldn't you like to be with someone
while you work through your shit?

Someone who understands you,

- someone who cares about you?
- Pato.

I mean, that way
you have someone to hang out with, right?

- You against the world.
- (CHUCKLES)

You got someone

to make out with.

(CHUCKLES)

Someone to sit on the sofa
and eat take-out with.

Someone to... (SIGHS)

Get old and gray and...

(CHUCKLES)

...I don't know, watch The Goonies with.

- (IMITATES SLOTH) Hey, you guys.
- (LAUGHING)

Oh, my God!

- You saw it!
- Yeah.

- Twice.
- You saw it twice?

- Well, you must've liked it.
- (BOTH CHUCKLE)

Okay, so...

(SIGHS)

What are we gonna do?

(CHUCKLES)

This is insane.

I just broke up with Brady
not even two hours ago.

- I can't do this now.
- I know, I know, I know.

And if you want me to shut up, I will,

but if that's the case,

then why did you come back tonight?

Why did you...

Why'd you come back to the EndUp?

What are you suggesting we do?

- I'm not going to Denver, that's for sure.
- (LAUGHS)

And I really need to get out of here.

Then...

How about I come to Texas?

- What?
- Yeah.

Yeah, I'll come with you

or I'll go there after you've gotten settled.

And do what? You have a job in Denver.

You have another job lined up here.

Yeah, well, I can work remotely.

I'll do my own thing.
I've always wanted to do that.

(STUTTERS) They...

- Do they have computers in Texas?
- (BOTH CHUCKLE)

And what happens
when you've sobered up, huh?

When the wedding's over,

and you've lost this, you know,
sense of romance?

Is that what you're scared of?

Of course I am.

- I have met you.
- (SCOFFS)

What happens when you freak out?

Again?

I am so sick of taking care of people.

I just...
(STAMMERS) I don't want to do that again.

I don't need you to take care of me, Richie.

Okay? I don't.

I just...

I want to be with you

while you

figure out whatever it is
you need to figure out.

You told me once that
you were this close to falling in love with me.

I was in love with you back then.

I'm in love with you now,

except...

I was afraid of that feeling.

I'm not afraid anymore.

What happens if it doesn't work out? Hmm?

What do we do then?

Well, if it doesn't work out,
it doesn't work out,

but at least we tried.

Do you want to try?

(KNOCKING)

- Come in here!
- Hello!

AGUSTÍN: Come on!

- Come on in here!
- (BOTH CHUCKLE)

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

EDDIE AND DORIS: That's my paper plate.

- (LAUGHTER)
- All right.

- Hi.
- Hi, guys.

- Hey.
- Hello. Welcome.

You know, this city drives me
freaking crazy sometimes,

but right now, I think it feels like
the best place in the world.

- Mmm-hmm.
- Yes, it does.

My God, these eggs are disgusting.

- But they are so good.
- Right?

- What is that? Is that the moon rocks?
- Maybe.

- Patty, I think you should come back.
- Mmm.

- Huh? What do you think, guys?
- Yes.

- Yes!
- Mmm-hmm.

Come back down from the mountains
and live with us happily ever after.

(CHATTER CONTINUING)

Oh, my God. You've got like two courses.

DORIS: I'm gonna eat half of this
and then I'm gonna send it back.

(I'LL BE YOUR SHELTER PLAYING)