Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:00,869 --> 00:00:05,143
♪ Boo, boo, boo, boo ♪
2
00:00:05,177 --> 00:00:09,151
♪ Boo, boo,
boo, boo ♪
3
00:00:09,218 --> 00:00:13,193
♪ Boo, boo, boo, boo ♪
4
00:00:13,260 --> 00:00:17,201
♪ Boo, boo,
boo, boo ♪
5
00:00:17,268 --> 00:00:21,242
♪ Boo, boo, boo, boo ♪
6
00:00:21,276 --> 00:00:23,781
♪ Boo, boo,
boo, boo ♪
7
00:00:24,850 --> 00:00:25,919
Ooh!
8
00:00:25,952 --> 00:00:27,756
- Mommy!
- Aaaaaaah!
9
00:00:27,789 --> 00:00:29,425
- Duncan!
- Duncan!
10
00:00:33,834 --> 00:00:35,337
Wow, Mom's got
the big earrings.
11
00:00:35,404 --> 00:00:37,141
Dad's got his jeans
without the crotch ripped--
12
00:00:37,208 --> 00:00:38,310
must be going somewhere nice.
13
00:00:38,343 --> 00:00:40,147
We're having dinner
at DiMaggio's
14
00:00:40,180 --> 00:00:42,786
with Garrett and Bryce,
our friends.
15
00:00:42,786 --> 00:00:43,788
Where's Jing?
16
00:00:43,854 --> 00:00:45,290
Don't go. Play with me.
17
00:00:45,324 --> 00:00:47,228
You're too old for friends.
18
00:00:47,294 --> 00:00:48,898
Don't worry.
19
00:00:48,965 --> 00:00:50,000
Duncan's in charge.
20
00:00:50,067 --> 00:00:51,670
You're leaving?
21
00:00:53,774 --> 00:00:55,244
Who's gonna take care of me?
22
00:00:55,310 --> 00:00:57,414
Ugh, there's leftover mac
and cheese in the microwave.
23
00:00:57,448 --> 00:00:59,586
All you need to do
is press reheat.
24
00:00:59,620 --> 00:01:02,358
Whoa, whoa, you can't throw
a bunch of technical stuff
25
00:01:02,424 --> 00:01:04,596
at me on your way out the door.
26
00:01:04,630 --> 00:01:06,299
I am so screwed.
27
00:01:06,366 --> 00:01:08,036
Got a new hole
in your crotch, Dad.
28
00:01:08,069 --> 00:01:10,642
Damn it, I've had 'em on
five minutes.
29
00:01:12,512 --> 00:01:16,052
Now, if Jack has that hole in
his jeans, do not say anything.
30
00:01:16,119 --> 00:01:18,056
And there it is.
31
00:01:18,123 --> 00:01:20,828
Sorry we're late.
Our kids just make it
32
00:01:20,862 --> 00:01:22,832
impossible to get out the door.
33
00:01:22,899 --> 00:01:24,770
They're like helpless blobs.
34
00:01:24,836 --> 00:01:26,039
More like selfish parasites
35
00:01:26,105 --> 00:01:28,043
who suck the life out of you.
- Ah.
36
00:01:28,076 --> 00:01:29,478
See, I told you.
37
00:01:29,513 --> 00:01:31,917
He's been trying to talk me
into having kids.
38
00:01:31,984 --> 00:01:33,486
Oh, my God, you have to.
39
00:01:33,554 --> 00:01:36,660
They're gifts from heaven.
- No greater joy.
40
00:01:36,727 --> 00:01:37,729
Ah!
41
00:01:37,796 --> 00:01:39,231
So that's why you invited us
42
00:01:39,265 --> 00:01:41,837
to dinner--
you want my womb for surrogacy.
43
00:01:41,904 --> 00:01:43,473
The answer is yes.
44
00:01:43,541 --> 00:01:46,614
And all of my sperm is yours, gentlemen.
45
00:01:46,680 --> 00:01:50,020
We have plenty, but maybe
you could help me
46
00:01:50,053 --> 00:01:51,523
talk this guy into fatherhood.
47
00:01:51,590 --> 00:01:53,894
Eh, I'm just not ready
to give up my freedom,
48
00:01:53,961 --> 00:01:55,464
sleep, and white sofa.
49
00:01:55,497 --> 00:01:58,103
You're just afraid
you won't be good at it.
50
00:01:58,169 --> 00:02:00,207
I overheard
your Zoom therapy session.
51
00:02:00,240 --> 00:02:01,510
What? Wear earbuds.
52
00:02:01,543 --> 00:02:03,581
I know parenting
seems like a lot of work,
53
00:02:03,614 --> 00:02:06,252
but kids are only hard
for the first couple of years,
54
00:02:06,285 --> 00:02:09,225
and then they become
totally self-sufficient.
55
00:02:09,258 --> 00:02:11,462
Mom,
I can't find my left sock.
56
00:02:11,496 --> 00:02:14,402
Dunkie, say hello
to Garrett and Bryce.
57
00:02:14,435 --> 00:02:16,907
Hey.
Do you know where my sock is?
58
00:02:16,974 --> 00:02:20,147
I got you, buddy.
Comin' up.
59
00:02:20,213 --> 00:02:22,585
Oh, yep, there you go.
How's that feel?
60
00:02:22,619 --> 00:02:26,092
Like a shirt for my foot.
Thanks, Dad. You're the best.
61
00:02:26,125 --> 00:02:28,798
You had a spare pair of socks
on you?
62
00:02:28,864 --> 00:02:29,900
Ah, you're like Super Dad.
63
00:02:29,966 --> 00:02:31,135
That was impressive.
64
00:02:31,202 --> 00:02:34,241
Well, parenting's a snap when
you know what you're doing.
65
00:02:34,308 --> 00:02:37,247
Bryce, you can do a ride along
66
00:02:37,281 --> 00:02:39,218
with me
like that movie "Training Day,"
67
00:02:39,251 --> 00:02:40,988
but without the PCP and murder.
68
00:02:41,022 --> 00:02:42,191
That's a great idea.
69
00:02:42,257 --> 00:02:44,028
He can teach you everything
70
00:02:44,095 --> 00:02:45,832
you need to know
about being a dad.
71
00:02:45,865 --> 00:02:46,767
You should do it, hon.
72
00:02:46,867 --> 00:02:49,973
Experience the wonder
of children firsthand.
73
00:02:50,040 --> 00:02:52,712
Can't we just
get a fifth dog?
74
00:02:52,779 --> 00:02:54,248
Fine.
75
00:02:54,281 --> 00:02:57,121
Can I get another sock?
I stepped in lasagna.
76
00:02:57,154 --> 00:02:58,824
You already said yes.
77
00:03:03,801 --> 00:03:04,803
Get in.
78
00:03:04,903 --> 00:03:06,507
It's father-training day.
79
00:03:06,540 --> 00:03:08,209
Now?
I thought we were gonna do that
80
00:03:08,276 --> 00:03:09,513
on a weekend or something.
81
00:03:09,546 --> 00:03:11,416
I'm piloting a flight
in two hours.
82
00:03:11,482 --> 00:03:14,221
As a dad, you're gonna have
to get used to canceling things
83
00:03:14,288 --> 00:03:17,796
last minute.
- Fine.
84
00:03:19,165 --> 00:03:22,004
Hello, Delta?
It's Captain Sullenberger.
85
00:03:22,037 --> 00:03:23,440
No, the other one.
86
00:03:25,410 --> 00:03:26,680
Why do I have to learn things
87
00:03:26,714 --> 00:03:28,316
you already know
how to do for me?
88
00:03:28,349 --> 00:03:30,688
That lasagna sock
was a wake-up call.
89
00:03:30,722 --> 00:03:33,326
So I'm gonna do
a "Training Day" of my own.
90
00:03:33,393 --> 00:03:36,099
Welcome to
Annie's home ec class.
91
00:03:36,165 --> 00:03:38,938
Now stir, scoop,
blow, and taste.
92
00:03:39,004 --> 00:03:43,213
It's just mac and cheese.
I know what it tastes like.
93
00:03:43,246 --> 00:03:45,150
Oh, my God,
this is the best friggin'
94
00:03:45,217 --> 00:03:47,287
mac and cheese
I've ever had in my life.
95
00:03:47,321 --> 00:03:49,526
It's the same boxed
mac and cheese I always make.
96
00:03:49,593 --> 00:03:52,131
I think it's pride
you're tasting.
97
00:03:52,164 --> 00:03:54,736
Yeah, also,
you drown it in milk.
98
00:03:54,803 --> 00:03:56,072
It's basically soup.
99
00:03:56,139 --> 00:03:58,042
The point is,
you did it on your own.
100
00:03:58,042 --> 00:03:59,078
Why didn't you ever tell me
101
00:03:59,111 --> 00:04:01,449
that doing stuff for myself
would feel so good?
102
00:04:01,482 --> 00:04:04,890
I tell you that all the time.
Look at the fridge magnet.
103
00:04:06,259 --> 00:04:08,296
Yeah,
but you never read it to me.
104
00:04:08,363 --> 00:04:10,233
Never mind--
I'll do the dishes
105
00:04:10,300 --> 00:04:12,037
so we can start
our next lesson.
106
00:04:12,070 --> 00:04:13,473
No, I'll do 'em.
107
00:04:13,507 --> 00:04:16,379
I don't like people
messing with my kitchen.
108
00:04:20,387 --> 00:04:22,391
Uh-oh, pouty lower lip,
playdate gone wrong.
109
00:04:22,424 --> 00:04:24,495
Let's kick some parenting ass.
110
00:04:25,163 --> 00:04:26,466
I'm riding here.
111
00:04:26,499 --> 00:04:28,704
What's wrong, boo boo bear?
112
00:04:28,771 --> 00:04:30,173
What? Oh, me?
113
00:04:30,207 --> 00:04:32,679
What's wrong,
young, human child?
114
00:04:32,745 --> 00:04:36,352
Well, Joey says I can't hang
with the crew if I don't lose
115
00:04:36,419 --> 00:04:38,858
my baby training wheels.
Will you teach me to ride?
116
00:04:38,891 --> 00:04:41,462
Wow, Bryce, I thought you'd
be hit with something smaller
117
00:04:41,530 --> 00:04:43,399
like skinned knee
or hungry tummy,
118
00:04:43,466 --> 00:04:46,139
but bam,
straight to rite of passage.
119
00:04:46,205 --> 00:04:47,474
Jack, your hand's bleeding.
120
00:04:47,542 --> 00:04:49,813
Yeah, dad hands do that.
121
00:04:49,880 --> 00:04:51,115
Try and keep up, rookie.
122
00:04:51,182 --> 00:04:53,153
Mm.
123
00:04:53,253 --> 00:04:54,421
Hoopa.
124
00:04:54,488 --> 00:04:56,392
Don't let go.
Don't let go!
125
00:04:56,425 --> 00:04:58,429
We won't.
126
00:04:58,463 --> 00:05:00,868
Don't let go!
both: We won't!
127
00:05:02,972 --> 00:05:05,010
This happened on my watch.
128
00:05:05,043 --> 00:05:07,047
Boss, no!
129
00:05:08,449 --> 00:05:10,387
Don't let go!
both: We won't.
130
00:05:10,420 --> 00:05:11,857
Don't let go.
131
00:05:11,890 --> 00:05:13,226
I won't.
132
00:05:15,731 --> 00:05:18,269
Oakdale has
a Running of the Bulls?
133
00:05:18,303 --> 00:05:21,142
We were briefly
colonized by Spain.
134
00:05:21,209 --> 00:05:23,012
Ow!
135
00:05:23,046 --> 00:05:25,150
- Uh...
- Don't let go!
136
00:05:25,183 --> 00:05:26,920
both: We already did.
137
00:05:26,954 --> 00:05:27,789
Yay!
138
00:05:27,889 --> 00:05:30,928
Whoa, Jing's kissing
the sky over here.
139
00:05:30,962 --> 00:05:34,936
- I love you, Daddy!
- That's why we do it, Bryce.
140
00:05:35,003 --> 00:05:36,138
Try not to talk, sir.
141
00:05:36,239 --> 00:05:37,876
Clear!
142
00:05:39,713 --> 00:05:42,719
Okay, now, dadding a teenage
boy has its own set of rules.
143
00:05:42,785 --> 00:05:45,958
For example, never walk in
their bedroom without knocking.
144
00:05:46,058 --> 00:05:47,294
I'll show you why.
145
00:05:48,864 --> 00:05:49,699
Come on. Come on.
146
00:05:49,833 --> 00:05:53,206
- Hey, Dunker.
- Get out, I'm not finished!
147
00:05:53,239 --> 00:05:54,676
Oh, my God.
148
00:05:54,743 --> 00:05:57,114
Calm down--
I'm learning to sew
149
00:05:57,180 --> 00:05:58,651
and fix Dad's ripped crotches.
150
00:05:58,717 --> 00:06:00,320
It was a surprise
so I didn't have to
151
00:06:00,387 --> 00:06:01,322
buy you a birthday present.
152
00:06:01,389 --> 00:06:03,426
Wow, you did that yourself?
153
00:06:03,493 --> 00:06:04,863
You're really growing up, son.
154
00:06:04,863 --> 00:06:08,069
You teach 'em to fly,
sometimes, they soar.
155
00:06:08,136 --> 00:06:10,942
Thanks, Dad.
May I hug you?
156
00:06:11,008 --> 00:06:13,681
Like you have to ask.
157
00:06:13,714 --> 00:06:14,516
That was amazing, Jack.
158
00:06:14,583 --> 00:06:16,285
Once I knew he wasn't
masturbating,
159
00:06:16,352 --> 00:06:17,755
I really saw
the reward of parenting.
160
00:06:17,822 --> 00:06:19,526
I think I might
be ready for this.
161
00:06:19,559 --> 00:06:21,495
You won't regret it,
my friend.
162
00:06:21,530 --> 00:06:23,433
Toughest job you'll ever love.
163
00:06:23,466 --> 00:06:26,105
Hi, sweetheart.
- Don't talk to me!
164
00:06:26,172 --> 00:06:27,609
You suck! Everybody sucks!
165
00:06:27,642 --> 00:06:30,915
I hate my life
and yearn for death!
166
00:06:31,783 --> 00:06:34,623
Hey,
let's go hug Duncan again.
167
00:06:34,723 --> 00:06:37,562
- Get out!
- Oh, my God!
168
00:06:41,737 --> 00:06:44,308
This seems like a private
moment for you and Kimberly.
169
00:06:44,341 --> 00:06:45,845
Maybe I should go home
and have a vasectomy.
170
00:06:45,878 --> 00:06:48,283
Don't get snipped
just 'cause you're scared.
171
00:06:48,349 --> 00:06:49,418
You need to see this.
172
00:06:49,485 --> 00:06:50,554
We're gonna have a gentle talk
173
00:06:50,588 --> 00:06:53,727
between father, daughter,
and father's guy friend.
174
00:06:53,761 --> 00:06:56,767
Hey, girl, wanna dish?
Oh, don't mind Bryce.
175
00:06:56,800 --> 00:06:58,469
I'm just teaching him
how to parent,
176
00:06:58,537 --> 00:07:00,307
and he gonna teach me
how to fly a jet.
177
00:07:00,373 --> 00:07:01,510
I never said that.
178
00:07:01,543 --> 00:07:03,246
Tell us what happened.
179
00:07:06,452 --> 00:07:08,691
Oh, no, that's terrible.
180
00:07:08,757 --> 00:07:10,393
She says
Ashley, Brooke, and Courtney
181
00:07:10,460 --> 00:07:12,197
are bullying her again.
182
00:07:12,264 --> 00:07:13,567
The ABC girls?
183
00:07:13,634 --> 00:07:15,236
They got kicked off
of one of my flights
184
00:07:15,270 --> 00:07:16,540
for booing everyone in coach.
185
00:07:16,607 --> 00:07:20,948
You're kidding!
186
00:07:20,982 --> 00:07:23,887
She sat in apple juice and
now they call her Kimber-pee.
187
00:07:23,921 --> 00:07:26,292
Well, don't worry, honey.
I'll just call their parents.
188
00:07:28,731 --> 00:07:31,603
Um, she says she respects
189
00:07:31,670 --> 00:07:34,542
my opinion,
but is open to other ideas.
190
00:07:34,576 --> 00:07:37,147
No, I said you need to
keep your fat neck out of it.
191
00:07:37,214 --> 00:07:38,349
You can't stop these girls.
192
00:07:38,416 --> 00:07:39,485
They pick on so many people,
193
00:07:39,619 --> 00:07:42,324
they have a bully calendar
on their phones to keep track.
194
00:07:42,357 --> 00:07:43,594
Uh, if I could jump in...
195
00:07:43,661 --> 00:07:45,731
Careful,
you're still in training.
196
00:07:45,798 --> 00:07:47,702
Listen, I was a gay kid
in the '80s
197
00:07:47,735 --> 00:07:49,438
who was obsessed
with Hulk Hogan.
198
00:07:49,506 --> 00:07:51,442
I drew a handlebar mustache
on my face
199
00:07:51,510 --> 00:07:54,114
and wore a yellow leotard
on picture day.
200
00:07:54,181 --> 00:07:56,452
- Ew.
- Dang, brother.
201
00:07:56,520 --> 00:07:57,789
So I know
about being bullied.
202
00:07:57,855 --> 00:07:59,391
Really?
How'd you handle it?
203
00:07:59,425 --> 00:08:00,895
Uh, poorly.
204
00:08:00,961 --> 00:08:02,732
I ate a whole pie every night
while listening to the Smiths.
205
00:08:02,799 --> 00:08:04,769
But one day, my bullies and I
206
00:08:04,836 --> 00:08:07,875
ran into each other outside the
horrible middle school dynamic
207
00:08:07,909 --> 00:08:10,848
and got to know each other
for who we really are,
208
00:08:10,915 --> 00:08:14,188
and we all became friends.
- By the end of middle school?
209
00:08:14,254 --> 00:08:15,390
Oh, God, no.
210
00:08:15,457 --> 00:08:16,526
This is 20 years later
at a gay bar.
211
00:08:16,593 --> 00:08:19,164
Most '80s homophobia
was closet-driven.
212
00:08:20,433 --> 00:08:21,970
We can't wait that long.
213
00:08:22,004 --> 00:08:24,542
We have to show those girls
how cool you are now.
214
00:08:24,576 --> 00:08:26,045
Oh, I'll call and tell 'em.
215
00:08:27,815 --> 00:08:29,986
She says my fat neck
needs a better plan.
216
00:08:30,020 --> 00:08:32,525
Well, if anyone can come up
with one, it's you, Super Dad,
217
00:08:32,592 --> 00:08:35,598
and me, the guy who stranded
200 people at the airport
218
00:08:35,664 --> 00:08:38,002
just to push a girl on a bike.
219
00:08:39,839 --> 00:08:42,678
Mia, thanks for going along
with our top-secret plan
220
00:08:42,745 --> 00:08:46,920
to win over Kimberly's bullies,
or TSPTWOKB for short.
221
00:08:46,953 --> 00:08:49,358
Yeah, I saw the logo
on the T-shirt you made me.
222
00:08:49,425 --> 00:08:50,661
Can we get this over with?
223
00:08:50,728 --> 00:08:53,534
Okay, the ABC girls
hang out here every day,
224
00:08:53,567 --> 00:08:55,971
so Kimberly will run into them
any minute.
225
00:08:56,005 --> 00:08:57,642
Everybody got
their backstories straight?
226
00:08:57,709 --> 00:08:59,913
I am Chip, a recent divorcé
227
00:08:59,979 --> 00:09:02,652
trying to start again,
and I sleep in my car
228
00:09:02,652 --> 00:09:04,723
and I shower
in a bathroom sink.
229
00:09:04,756 --> 00:09:06,693
And I'm Darryl,
a washed-up rock star
230
00:09:06,760 --> 00:09:09,131
and recovering heroin addict
who did time for manslaughter.
231
00:09:09,198 --> 00:09:11,570
Working at this pizza place
isn't what I want, but it's
232
00:09:11,636 --> 00:09:13,707
what I need to get joint
custody of my son, Michael.
233
00:09:13,774 --> 00:09:15,911
Mia?
- Oh, this is my actual life,
234
00:09:15,945 --> 00:09:19,318
and I'm sad about it every day.
- Ooh, that's good!
235
00:09:19,351 --> 00:09:20,654
They're here. Places.
236
00:09:20,688 --> 00:09:22,759
We need a table.
My dad's rich.
237
00:09:22,825 --> 00:09:25,531
Sorry, it's gonna be
at least 30 minutes.
238
00:09:25,598 --> 00:09:26,833
Some old man
left his newspaper here
239
00:09:26,900 --> 00:09:29,004
if you wanna read it
while you wait.
240
00:09:29,071 --> 00:09:31,409
all: Aw.
241
00:09:31,475 --> 00:09:33,714
Oh, my God, Kimberly!
242
00:09:33,781 --> 00:09:37,722
Lovin' your whole vibe,
girl, as always.
243
00:09:37,789 --> 00:09:40,427
all: Hmm?
- Got the VIP booth for you.
244
00:09:40,493 --> 00:09:42,030
Thanks, Mia.
Oh, hey, guys.
245
00:09:42,063 --> 00:09:44,502
I didn't know you come here
every Thursday at 6:00 p. m.
246
00:09:44,569 --> 00:09:45,905
before spitting in the samples
at Sephora.
247
00:09:45,938 --> 00:09:47,875
Wait, you two
know each other?
248
00:09:47,942 --> 00:09:49,612
That's right,
and I'm a high-schooler,
249
00:09:49,679 --> 00:09:50,614
which is dope.
250
00:09:50,681 --> 00:09:54,254
My nose ring and I think
Kimberly is hella tight.
251
00:09:54,321 --> 00:09:55,558
Hey, you guys wanna join me?
252
00:09:55,624 --> 00:09:57,027
I got free pizzas
coming my way.
253
00:09:57,093 --> 00:09:59,999
Yeah, I give her free stuff,
and as stated before,
254
00:10:00,033 --> 00:10:02,605
I'm in high school,
which is fire.
255
00:10:02,672 --> 00:10:04,976
Yeah, sure, Kimberly!
That'd be cool.
256
00:10:05,009 --> 00:10:08,282
If my ex-wife and your
ex-bandmates could see us now,
257
00:10:08,316 --> 00:10:10,086
Darryl...
- True that, Chip.
258
00:10:10,153 --> 00:10:14,228
True... that.
259
00:10:15,230 --> 00:10:18,737
The Chipotle dumpster
was a wonderland today.
260
00:10:18,770 --> 00:10:20,741
How often do you find
a burrito bowl
261
00:10:20,774 --> 00:10:24,716
with guacamole still on top?
262
00:10:24,782 --> 00:10:26,653
What doesn't stink in here?
263
00:10:26,686 --> 00:10:29,124
I'm baking.
I made cucumber sandwiches,
264
00:10:29,158 --> 00:10:31,362
and there's cranberry scones
in the oven.
265
00:10:31,428 --> 00:10:32,732
Eat up, eat up.
266
00:10:32,798 --> 00:10:35,270
- Yo, you're baking?
- We have an oven?
267
00:10:35,303 --> 00:10:37,742
I thought that was a TV
that always burned my hand.
268
00:10:37,809 --> 00:10:40,714
These cucumber sandwiches
are bussin'!
269
00:10:40,748 --> 00:10:42,718
The cream cheese
isn't even rancid.
270
00:10:42,819 --> 00:10:44,756
How'd you learn
to do all this?
271
00:10:44,789 --> 00:10:46,560
My mom's been
teaching me home ec.
272
00:10:46,593 --> 00:10:48,029
Is she taking on
other students?
273
00:10:48,062 --> 00:10:50,968
You want my mom to teach you
to cook and clean?
274
00:10:51,001 --> 00:10:53,907
I want your mom
to teach me everything.
275
00:10:53,941 --> 00:10:56,646
Let's have scones
at the banquette.
276
00:10:56,713 --> 00:10:58,449
What the hell's a banget,
277
00:10:58,517 --> 00:11:00,588
and where's our pile
of dead raccoons?
278
00:11:00,654 --> 00:11:02,625
I re-homed them
into the trash.
279
00:11:02,658 --> 00:11:03,894
They weren't sparking joy.
280
00:11:03,927 --> 00:11:05,531
It's true--
we hadn't touched those
281
00:11:05,598 --> 00:11:07,902
dead raccoons in a year.
282
00:11:09,304 --> 00:11:11,877
Kimberly, I think because
I'm always glaring at you
283
00:11:11,910 --> 00:11:14,481
in disgust, I've never noticed
284
00:11:14,516 --> 00:11:15,818
your hair color
is really pretty.
285
00:11:15,885 --> 00:11:17,788
OMG, Brooke,
that is so sweet,
286
00:11:17,855 --> 00:11:19,592
and because you're
always glaring at me,
287
00:11:19,626 --> 00:11:21,362
I never noticed
how pretty your eyes are.
288
00:11:21,395 --> 00:11:23,266
JK, I totally noticed.
289
00:11:25,303 --> 00:11:26,873
Great JK.
290
00:11:26,940 --> 00:11:29,177
We are miracle workers, Jack.
291
00:11:29,211 --> 00:11:31,181
They should send us
to the set of "The View."
292
00:11:31,215 --> 00:11:33,954
Oh, I wanna know
everything they're saying.
293
00:11:33,987 --> 00:11:36,425
I wish I was one of the
six flies on their pizza.
294
00:11:38,630 --> 00:11:39,799
God, this place is gross.
295
00:11:39,832 --> 00:11:41,870
Come on. We're going in.
296
00:11:41,903 --> 00:11:44,542
Well, it looks like
you're all having a good time.
297
00:11:44,576 --> 00:11:45,544
Yes, we are. Bye.
298
00:11:45,611 --> 00:11:46,780
Can I tempt you with dessert?
299
00:11:46,846 --> 00:11:48,917
The Choco-pasta's to die for.
300
00:11:48,984 --> 00:11:51,322
Ew, do we look
like we eat dessert?
301
00:11:51,355 --> 00:11:54,228
Yeah, and aren't you too old
to be enjoying working here?
302
00:11:54,294 --> 00:11:57,802
No, I'm, uh--I'm--I'm just
trying get my life together
303
00:11:57,868 --> 00:12:00,440
to get custody of my son.
- That's lame.
304
00:12:00,473 --> 00:12:01,943
Your lame.
- You hear that?
305
00:12:01,977 --> 00:12:03,614
The dessert perv
with the man boobs
306
00:12:03,680 --> 00:12:05,517
doesn't have custody
of his son.
307
00:12:07,087 --> 00:12:09,759
His body is fine.
It's called "dad bod."
308
00:12:09,826 --> 00:12:11,896
It's a thing!
- And who's this loser?
309
00:12:11,963 --> 00:12:13,834
You look like
a tired mannequin.
310
00:12:13,867 --> 00:12:15,838
I thought your
generation didn't body shame.
311
00:12:15,905 --> 00:12:18,376
We body shame boomers, boomer.
312
00:12:18,409 --> 00:12:20,046
Boomers?
313
00:12:20,079 --> 00:12:22,952
This old guy's having
a heart attack--gross.
314
00:12:22,985 --> 00:12:24,789
Come on, Kimberly.
Let's go to Sephora.
315
00:12:26,960 --> 00:12:29,197
Sorry--but thank you!
316
00:12:29,264 --> 00:12:31,703
Once he wakes up,
clean the bathroom.
317
00:12:31,703 --> 00:12:33,974
Thanks, Darryl.
318
00:12:34,007 --> 00:12:36,846
A tired mannequin?
319
00:12:36,913 --> 00:12:39,484
That is absolutely you
in the morning.
320
00:12:39,552 --> 00:12:40,654
They made fun
321
00:12:40,721 --> 00:12:43,927
of your man boobs?
I love your man boobs.
322
00:12:43,994 --> 00:12:46,231
Bloopy, bloopy, bloopy, bloopy.
323
00:12:46,265 --> 00:12:49,171
It's not funny!
They really hurt our feelings.
324
00:12:49,237 --> 00:12:52,444
You helped Kimberly.
You should be proud.
325
00:12:52,477 --> 00:12:53,647
I know I am.
326
00:12:53,747 --> 00:12:54,749
Bloop.
327
00:12:54,782 --> 00:12:55,884
You're gonna let a bunch
328
00:12:55,951 --> 00:12:58,757
of mean girls emasculate you?
329
00:12:58,824 --> 00:12:59,993
Pathetic.
330
00:13:00,059 --> 00:13:01,997
Ooh, my sticky buns are done.
331
00:13:02,030 --> 00:13:04,769
You're grown men,
and they're 12.
332
00:13:04,802 --> 00:13:06,205
Let it go.
- I'm sorry.
333
00:13:06,305 --> 00:13:08,309
Jack could let it go.
He's a bigger man.
334
00:13:08,342 --> 00:13:11,549
But Darryl did not kick heroin
to put up with this.
335
00:13:11,616 --> 00:13:12,652
You're not supposed to be
336
00:13:12,685 --> 00:13:13,654
picking fights
with little girls.
337
00:13:13,754 --> 00:13:16,425
You're supposed to be training
Bryce to be a dad.
338
00:13:16,492 --> 00:13:17,695
"Training Day" is over.
339
00:13:17,762 --> 00:13:19,799
It's a different
Denzel movie now--
340
00:13:19,866 --> 00:13:21,603
"The Equalizer."
341
00:13:21,636 --> 00:13:23,740
I haven't seen this,
but I'm in.
342
00:13:23,774 --> 00:13:25,744
Ooh, this is gonna be ugly.
343
00:13:25,778 --> 00:13:27,748
The only thing worse
than a nasty tween girl
344
00:13:27,848 --> 00:13:29,719
is a pissed-off gay man.
345
00:13:29,752 --> 00:13:31,155
Top off your Pinots?
346
00:13:31,155 --> 00:13:33,794
Thank you,
my stuper student--
347
00:13:33,827 --> 00:13:35,931
super student.
Oof!
348
00:13:35,964 --> 00:13:38,336
Maybe I should
eat some crackers.
349
00:13:42,845 --> 00:13:46,251
Let's go reclaim our dignity.
350
00:13:46,318 --> 00:13:47,320
Damn it.
351
00:13:49,257 --> 00:13:50,828
Ah!
352
00:14:00,814 --> 00:14:01,816
Uh-oh.
353
00:14:03,887 --> 00:14:06,291
What is wrong with us?
They're kids!
354
00:14:06,325 --> 00:14:09,031
We should be able to take 'em.
- I'm sorry, wait.
355
00:14:09,097 --> 00:14:10,901
Did you think we were gonna
fight these little girls?
356
00:14:10,968 --> 00:14:13,005
No! Did you?
357
00:14:13,072 --> 00:14:14,642
I wish someone would.
358
00:14:14,675 --> 00:14:15,778
Why are you
in the boys' room?
359
00:14:15,844 --> 00:14:18,750
It's the only safe place
to hide from the mean girls.
360
00:14:18,817 --> 00:14:20,019
I thought you guys were all--
361
00:14:20,053 --> 00:14:21,856
"Oh, we're so close.
362
00:14:21,890 --> 00:14:23,025
"Let's braid
each other's hair and...
363
00:14:23,092 --> 00:14:24,529
"Verbally our father
364
00:14:24,595 --> 00:14:25,597
and his best friend!"
365
00:14:25,697 --> 00:14:28,002
I decided I just couldn't
hang with kids who said
366
00:14:28,069 --> 00:14:30,641
such hurtful things
to two men I love and admire.
367
00:14:30,708 --> 00:14:32,277
Uh-huh, what really happened?
368
00:14:32,343 --> 00:14:34,281
Fine.
They wanted me to bully kids
369
00:14:34,347 --> 00:14:36,251
with them, and when I said no,
they went back
370
00:14:36,285 --> 00:14:38,222
to calling me Kimber-pee.
- You know what?
371
00:14:38,255 --> 00:14:39,892
I do wanna beat up
those little girls.
372
00:14:39,959 --> 00:14:40,894
Looks like they have
373
00:14:40,961 --> 00:14:42,263
a full day of terror planned.
374
00:14:42,297 --> 00:14:43,633
I'm still synced
to their bully calendar.
375
00:14:43,700 --> 00:14:44,802
They forgot to take me off.
376
00:14:44,869 --> 00:14:48,342
So you know what they're
gonna do before they do it?
377
00:14:48,375 --> 00:14:51,816
That means we can stop every
mean thing they have planned,
378
00:14:51,883 --> 00:14:54,387
and no innocent kid
or full-grown man
379
00:14:54,421 --> 00:14:56,125
will ever have to
fear them again.
380
00:14:56,158 --> 00:14:58,129
Sounds like a plan to me!
381
00:14:58,129 --> 00:14:59,999
Lil Joey,
this isn't your school.
382
00:15:00,032 --> 00:15:01,402
I don't like
to take dumps there.
383
00:15:01,503 --> 00:15:04,307
Those tiny toilets can't hold
what Joey's got to give 'em.
384
00:15:04,408 --> 00:15:07,113
Hey, can one of yous
drop me off at the track?
385
00:15:12,858 --> 00:15:15,731
Operation Bully Block begins.
386
00:15:15,764 --> 00:15:17,133
I've got chills.
387
00:15:17,200 --> 00:15:19,972
Okay, 1:00 p. m.,
spray paint Wesley M.'s locker.
388
00:15:20,006 --> 00:15:23,647
Here they come--right on time.
389
00:15:27,220 --> 00:15:29,525
- Hmm.
- Hey, I read somewhere
390
00:15:29,559 --> 00:15:31,763
that kid's freaking cool.
391
00:15:31,830 --> 00:15:34,267
Yeah.
392
00:15:34,301 --> 00:15:36,506
Well, I had a good run.
393
00:15:48,797 --> 00:15:50,299
Mm-hmm.
394
00:15:53,339 --> 00:15:56,044
Timothée Chalamet?
What are you doing here?
395
00:15:56,111 --> 00:15:58,048
Asking you to dance.
396
00:16:02,958 --> 00:16:03,960
Huh?
397
00:16:09,371 --> 00:16:10,707
Oh!
398
00:16:10,774 --> 00:16:11,943
Waah!
399
00:16:11,976 --> 00:16:15,449
Whoo-hoo!
Oh.
400
00:16:16,953 --> 00:16:20,359
Who keeps blocking us?
My dad's rich.
401
00:16:20,426 --> 00:16:22,731
All right, let's see what's
on the bully calendar next.
402
00:16:22,798 --> 00:16:24,535
Hit Cooper with basketball.
403
00:16:24,602 --> 00:16:26,338
Oh!
404
00:16:26,371 --> 00:16:28,075
Okay,
didn't get to that one in time.
405
00:16:28,142 --> 00:16:29,912
Wait, there's something huge.
406
00:16:29,979 --> 00:16:31,081
"Friday, after gym class,
407
00:16:31,148 --> 00:16:32,618
our biggest,
meanest prank ever."
408
00:16:32,651 --> 00:16:35,323
Meaner than trying to drown
someone with a broken leg?
409
00:16:35,389 --> 00:16:36,759
We should call the police, Jack.
410
00:16:36,826 --> 00:16:37,895
I'm fearing for our lives.
411
00:16:37,962 --> 00:16:40,132
I thought
you wanted to be a dad.
412
00:16:40,233 --> 00:16:42,738
No, I'm on the fence.
I've been saying that.
413
00:16:44,909 --> 00:16:46,011
Feet up.
Feet up.
414
00:16:47,982 --> 00:16:49,852
Get out of the way!
415
00:16:49,919 --> 00:16:51,689
Humiliating defeat,
416
00:16:51,723 --> 00:16:52,958
life wasted.
417
00:16:52,992 --> 00:16:54,361
This place is filthy.
418
00:16:54,427 --> 00:16:57,467
Why aren't you wearing
the paper booties I put out?
419
00:16:57,535 --> 00:16:58,770
Sorry, Mom.
420
00:16:58,870 --> 00:17:00,841
That's some way to talk to me
421
00:17:00,874 --> 00:17:02,645
after I made you pumpkin bread.
422
00:17:02,678 --> 00:17:05,951
I'm tired of being overworked
and underappreciated.
423
00:17:06,018 --> 00:17:07,555
What do you want? Sex?
424
00:17:07,588 --> 00:17:10,126
I want you guys to clean up
after yourselves.
425
00:17:10,159 --> 00:17:13,198
- Okay, we're out.
- Grab the pumpkin bread.
426
00:17:19,110 --> 00:17:22,383
Oh, look at this
cute mother of pearl spoon
427
00:17:22,417 --> 00:17:25,724
and this dream catcher.
I think I'm gonna buy these...
428
00:17:25,791 --> 00:17:28,028
On Amazon later.
429
00:17:28,128 --> 00:17:31,502
Thank you!
Your store is so cute.
430
00:17:31,536 --> 00:17:34,207
Good thing I sell cocaine
out the back.
431
00:17:34,274 --> 00:17:37,313
There you are!
Mrs. H, we got a situation.
432
00:17:37,347 --> 00:17:40,386
Duncan's acting all
responsible, and it sucks!
433
00:17:40,419 --> 00:17:43,359
Sorry, Bex, but after
15 years of babying Duncan,
434
00:17:43,425 --> 00:17:45,831
I'm finally
enjoying some me time.
435
00:17:45,897 --> 00:17:47,233
I just almost bought something.
436
00:17:47,300 --> 00:17:48,603
Now, if you'll excuse us,
437
00:17:48,637 --> 00:17:51,441
Annie and I are off
to the desert to do ayahuasca.
438
00:17:51,475 --> 00:17:52,343
We are?
439
00:17:52,443 --> 00:17:53,914
You said I could
choose the next thing.
440
00:17:53,947 --> 00:17:55,283
We want Dirty D back,
441
00:17:55,316 --> 00:17:57,120
so we're asking you
to make like a mother
442
00:17:57,153 --> 00:18:00,092
and sacrifice your happiness
for a bunch of damn kids.
443
00:18:00,159 --> 00:18:03,165
No, I want Duncan to grow up
to be self-sufficient,
444
00:18:03,265 --> 00:18:04,267
and I wanna day drink.
445
00:18:04,334 --> 00:18:07,708
Ugh, we all do,
but if you don't get him back
446
00:18:07,775 --> 00:18:09,044
to being an incompetent goof,
447
00:18:09,144 --> 00:18:11,181
we're gonna cut
his tidy ass loose.
448
00:18:11,214 --> 00:18:12,216
So what's it gonna be?
449
00:18:12,250 --> 00:18:15,557
Do you want a helpless kid
or a friendless kid?
450
00:18:15,590 --> 00:18:16,726
Yikes.
451
00:18:18,596 --> 00:18:22,003
Gym lets out in 15 minutes,
and I can't find any signs
452
00:18:22,070 --> 00:18:23,072
of the biggest,
meanest prank ever.
453
00:18:23,172 --> 00:18:25,209
Did you check for super glue
on the toilet seats?
454
00:18:25,276 --> 00:18:26,980
- Duh, yeah.
- Did you inspect the shampoo
455
00:18:27,046 --> 00:18:28,783
for Nair and the lockers
for murder hornets?
456
00:18:28,817 --> 00:18:29,585
- Obvi.
- Did you check
457
00:18:29,652 --> 00:18:31,054
the tampon dispenser
for dynamite?
458
00:18:31,121 --> 00:18:33,058
- No!
- Ugh, you're not thinking
459
00:18:33,125 --> 00:18:35,697
like a 12-year-old girl.
Come on, Bryce.
460
00:18:37,066 --> 00:18:38,369
All right,
I'll do a dynamite sweep.
461
00:18:38,435 --> 00:18:40,707
You check the towels
for itching powder.
462
00:18:40,741 --> 00:18:42,076
Busted.
463
00:18:42,143 --> 00:18:44,280
Nuh-uh. You're busted.
464
00:18:44,347 --> 00:18:46,786
You're not pranking
anyone today.
465
00:18:46,819 --> 00:18:49,257
Uh-huh. Hello, police?
466
00:18:49,324 --> 00:18:51,395
There's two old creeps
in the girls' locker room.
467
00:18:51,461 --> 00:18:52,397
One barely fits in his shirt,
468
00:18:52,463 --> 00:18:55,336
and the other looks like
an alcoholic weatherman.
469
00:18:59,477 --> 00:19:01,448
Once the cops hear
our explanation,
470
00:19:01,481 --> 00:19:03,687
I think we'll still
be in trouble.
471
00:19:05,356 --> 00:19:07,327
Wow,
you were thirsty, Arthur.
472
00:19:07,360 --> 00:19:10,132
Dunkie, you know how much
I enjoy walking in your room
473
00:19:10,166 --> 00:19:12,403
and not gagging
from a wall of stench.
474
00:19:12,504 --> 00:19:14,174
- I do.
- But you gotta bring back
475
00:19:14,240 --> 00:19:16,011
the funk, Dunk.
- Huh?
476
00:19:16,078 --> 00:19:18,516
The truth is--
477
00:19:18,550 --> 00:19:22,023
I love housework
and miss doing it.
478
00:19:22,090 --> 00:19:23,560
Well, we can do it together.
479
00:19:23,626 --> 00:19:25,162
No, it must be me,
480
00:19:25,229 --> 00:19:26,498
and me alone.
481
00:19:26,566 --> 00:19:29,772
It is my identity.
I am nothing without it.
482
00:19:29,839 --> 00:19:31,241
Yeah, that's true.
483
00:19:31,274 --> 00:19:33,012
You don't have
a lot else going on.
484
00:19:33,112 --> 00:19:35,383
Oh, here.
485
00:19:35,416 --> 00:19:37,286
I was gonna clean
the toilet next,
486
00:19:37,320 --> 00:19:39,157
but I can see
how much it means to you.
487
00:19:39,224 --> 00:19:40,359
Thanks for taking the time
488
00:19:40,393 --> 00:19:42,030
to teach me
all those life skills, Mom.
489
00:19:42,096 --> 00:19:43,633
Aw, you're welcome, sweetie.
490
00:19:43,666 --> 00:19:46,271
Maybe I'll use them again,
but doubtful.
491
00:19:46,304 --> 00:19:47,473
The next woman in my life
492
00:19:47,541 --> 00:19:50,547
will probably wanna
take care of me too.
493
00:19:50,614 --> 00:19:53,052
I could be flying on ayahuasca
494
00:19:53,085 --> 00:19:54,154
in the desert right now.
495
00:19:54,254 --> 00:19:57,795
Well, looks like Darryl
and Chip are sex offenders.
496
00:19:57,828 --> 00:20:00,767
That's why you always have
backstories and fake IDs.
497
00:20:00,834 --> 00:20:03,540
How the hell did
those mean girls find us out?
498
00:20:03,573 --> 00:20:06,411
Maybe 'cause you kept peeking
around corners and high-fiving?
499
00:20:06,445 --> 00:20:07,614
Sorry I let you down, honey.
500
00:20:07,715 --> 00:20:10,554
I really wanted those girls to
see what a great kid you are.
501
00:20:10,587 --> 00:20:12,758
Don't need 'em.
I made real friends.
502
00:20:12,825 --> 00:20:13,626
Yeah.
503
00:20:13,693 --> 00:20:15,564
My mom says
you're too old for me,
504
00:20:15,597 --> 00:20:17,500
but she doesn't know
what you smell like.
505
00:20:17,568 --> 00:20:20,206
Besides, you got nothing
to feel bad about.
506
00:20:20,272 --> 00:20:21,809
I'm lucky to have a dad
who cares so much
507
00:20:21,876 --> 00:20:24,280
and a Bryce who would
definitely make a great father.
508
00:20:24,314 --> 00:20:25,550
I'm not afraid, Jack.
509
00:20:25,584 --> 00:20:28,188
I'm ready for the toughest job
I'll ever love.
510
00:20:28,222 --> 00:20:29,357
Oh!
511
00:20:29,424 --> 00:20:32,196
The crotch of my jeans,
it just ripped.
512
00:20:32,263 --> 00:20:34,769
Welcome to the club, Dad.
513
00:20:34,835 --> 00:20:35,771
Ah!
514
00:20:35,937 --> 00:20:39,444
This is your life now.
We'll never leave you alone!
515
00:20:39,477 --> 00:20:41,949
Let's kick tween ass.
516
00:20:48,295 --> 00:20:49,230
Good afternoon,
ladies and gentlemen,
517
00:20:49,330 --> 00:20:51,268
and welcome aboard.
I'm Captain Sullenberger,
518
00:20:51,334 --> 00:20:54,575
your pilot and new dad!
- I'm his husband. Me!
519
00:20:54,608 --> 00:20:57,280
Baby was my idea--
had to talk him into it.
520
00:20:57,346 --> 00:20:59,652
Will you guys
excuse me a minute?
521
00:21:01,154 --> 00:21:03,693
Okay, Bryce,
time to teach me to fly.
522
00:21:03,760 --> 00:21:05,463
- Still never said that.
- Come on, man.
523
00:21:05,496 --> 00:21:08,001
I Denzel'd you into daddyhood.
524
00:21:08,035 --> 00:21:11,074
Switch, switch!
- Okay.
525
00:21:11,108 --> 00:21:13,045
This is the thrust lever.
526
00:21:14,280 --> 00:21:16,318
Now take the wheel, and...
527
00:21:16,351 --> 00:21:17,788
we're lifting off!
528
00:21:19,525 --> 00:21:21,161
Don't let go. Don't let go.
529
00:21:21,228 --> 00:21:23,800
I won't.
My family's on this flight.
530
00:21:24,768 --> 00:21:27,975
Annie, kids,
I'm flying the plane!
531
00:21:29,410 --> 00:21:32,350
Whoa, I'll never let go!
36684
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.
Afrikaans
Albanian
Amharic
Arabic
Armenian
Azerbaijani
Basque
Belarusian
Bengali
Bosnian
Bulgarian
Catalan
Cebuano
Chichewa
Chinese (Simplified)
Chinese (Traditional)
Corsican
Croatian
Czech
Danish
Dutch
English
Esperanto
Estonian
Finnish
French
Frisian
Galician
Georgian
German
Greek
Gujarati
Haitian Creole
Hawaiian
Hungarian
Icelandic
Indonesian
Irish
Italian
Japanese
Kazakh
Khmer
Korean
Kurdish (Kurmanji)
Kyrgyz
Lao
Latvian
Lithuanian
Luxembourgish
Macedonian
Malagasy
Malay
Maltese
Maori
Mongolian
Myanmar (Burmese)
Nepali
Norwegian
Pashto
Polish
Romanian
Russian
Samoan
Serbian
Sesotho
Shona
Sinhala
Slovak
Slovenian
Somali
Spanish
Swahili
Swedish
Tajik
Thai
Turkish
Ukrainian
Urdu
Uzbek
Vietnamese
