All language subtitles for Saturday.Night.Live.S44E01.Adam.Driver.480p.x264-mSD

♪♪♪
[ Cheers and applause ]

Hi.
Hello.

I'm Harris faulkner.
And we're halfway through the

kavanaugh hearing.
It's a special coverage we at

fox news are calling whoah-oh.
Judge kavanaugh himself is about

to appear so let's go live to
the senate hearing room where

two of the oldest white people
I've ever seen are about to run

a circus.
[ Banging ]

Order.
Order.

We're calling this hearing back
to order.

That's right.
We're back from lunch.

I had soup.
And I had soup as well.

It was too hot.
Now we just heard some very

moving testimony from Dr. Ford.
I listened to her and I kept a

very open mind and that's why I
already voted yes for kavanaugh

before she even said a word.
Now we've heard from the alleged

victim, but now it's time to
hear from the hero, judge

Brett kavanaugh, who I'm been
told has been shadow boxing in

the men's room for the last
45 minutes.

Judge kavanaugh.
[ Applause ]

Judge kavanaugh.
What?

Are you ready to begin?
Oh, hell you.

Let me tell you this I'm going
to start at an 11, I'm going to

take it to a 15 real quick.
First of all I showed this

speech to almost no one.
Not my family, not my friends,

not even p.J. Or Tobin or squee.
This is my speech.

There are others like it but it
is mine.

I wrote it myself last night
while screaming into an empty

bag of doritos.
I'm here tonight because of a

sham.
Political con job orchestrated

by the Clintons, George soros,
Cathy griffon, the gay mafia and

Mr. Ronan Sinatra.
Now I'm usually an optimist, I'm

a keg is half full kind of guy.
But what I've seen from the

monsters on this committee makes
me want to puke and not from

beer.
Dr. Ford has no evidence, none.

Meanwhile, I've got these.
I've got these calendars.

These beautiful, creepy
calendars.

About lifting weights with p.J.
And squee and donkey Donald

Doug.
We don't care about squee or

donkey dong Doug, do you?
You just want to humiliate me in

front of my wife.
My parents, and Alyssa freaking

Milano.
Well guess what?

I'm not backing down you sons of
bitches.

I don't know the meaning of the
word stop.

To quote my hero,
Clint eastwoods character in

"grand Torino," get the hell off
my lawn.

Now let's do this.
Okay.

Well, I'm hard as hell.
Senator feinstein, you want to

fight this monkey first.
Judge kavanaugh, are saying

that all the claims of Dr. Ford,
Mrs. Ramirez and Mrs. Swetnick

are false?
Doy.

Then if you have nothing to
hide, would you agree to an

independent FBI investigation
into the allegation?

Asked and answered.
I wanted a hearing the next day.

The next day.
Okay, that in no way answers

my question.
Would you agree to an FBI

investigation?
You want a real

investigation, then just look at
my --

look at my calendars.
And you're going to see that

every night I was lifting
weights with pj and squee and

handsy Hank and gang bang Greg.
But you know the liberal media

is going to find some way to
spin.

Okay, can we vote now?
No.

No.
Senator hatch.

I just wanted to point out
that democrats in this committee

have acted like cowards.
Now if you'll excuse me, I'd

like the hide behind the female
prosecutor we've hired to actads

a human shield.
Hi.

Okay.
I have got about 4,000 loose

papers on this weird little baby
desk that they set up for me.

Okay, first all of -- hello.
My name is Rachel Mitchell.

I'm here mostly for Twitter and
although everyone will

constantly be referring to me as
a female prosecutor, you really

can just call me a straight up
prosecutor.

Now before we begin --
your time is up.

Okay.
Well, I'm already regretting

this, okay.
Okay.

Senator klobuchar.
Okay.

Okay.
Here we go.

Now, judge kavanaugh would you
say that in high school you were

a frequent drinker?
Look, I like beer.

Okay.
I like beer, I like beer.

Boys like beer, girls like beer.
I like beer.

I like beer.
So I asked if you drank in high

school and you said I like beer
10 times.

That leads me to the next
question.

Did you ever drink too many
beers?

You mean was I cool?
Yeah.

All right then.
Tell me this, judge, did you

ever drink so much that you
blacked out?

I don't know.
Did you?

Huh?
Huh?

Did you ever black out?
Excuse me?

Sorry.
Sorry.

I didn't mean that.
I think I just blacked out for a

second.
I accept your apology, judge.

And can I just ask, is that
Alyssa Milano behind you?

She is really good at finding
the lens.

Okay.
Order.

Order.
Senator tillis.

Thank you.
I would also like to yield my

time to the female assistant --
oh, sorry would you prefer

stewardess?
Okay, I cannot believe that I

flew here on southwest for this.
Okay.

Now judge kavanaugh did you have
the definition of sexual

behavior in front of you?
Yes.

Okay.
Could you please read it to

yourself and while you do, could
you look at the piece of paper

like you hate it and could you
also squint and make your mouth

into the tiniest little mouth
we've ever seen.

[ Laughter]
Okay.

I read it.
Okay.

Now having read that --
time's up.

Very cool, very cool.
Senator booker, are you

ready to speak?
I will not dignify this

hearing with words.
I will just show you one

expression I call the booker
look.

Ookawhi.
Thank you, senator booker.

Senator Kennedy from Louisiana.
I only have one question for

you.
I want to look in frontf ogod

and answer honestly, that beer
you like to drink, we talking

foreign or domestic?
>>

I drink American beer.
You like drinking Heineken on

us.
I drink American beer.

No further questions!
This guy checks out.

I give the rest of my him to
miss frizzle.

Okay.
Well, now I got to make this

quick --
that's it.

Okay.
Damn it.

Senator whitehouse.
Yes.

I'd just like to ask judge
kavanaugh about his year book.

Oh, year book?
We gotta talk about a year book

right now?
Yeah, judge kavanaugh what is

booping?
It's flatulence, I was 16.

Could you use boop in a
sentence?

Yeah, sure.
I passed out from drinking, then

I booped so loud I woke myself
up.

What about devil's triangle?
It's a drinking game.

Eskimo brothers?
Drinking game.

Eiffel Tower with Dougie one
nut?

That was a possible trip to
France that did not pan out.

Judge kavanaugh, my staff
just googled all these terms and

they clearly refer to sex.
Well that's impossible

because I didn't have sex for
many, many, many years.

All I did was drink a lot and
not think about having sex at

all.
I was the proudest, drunkest

virgin you've ever seen.
And everyone can relate to that.

Okay.
Now I object.

Okay, Lindsey Graham.
I have been waiting for you

and shake my finger and get rid
of this tomato for 15 minutes

and I know I'm supposed to shut
up because I'm a single white

male, 5'10" uncut.
But I

will not shut up because this is
a bunch of c-r-a-p, crap.

This ain't no trial.
There ain't no due process.

Do you know what this is, judge
kavanaugh?

Do you know what this is?
Is this a real question?

This is.
Hell.

That's what that is.
It's hell.

Is this hell to you, judge
kavanaugh?

It's pretty bad.
It's horrific.

And for what?
You don't just beat bill cosby

and then suddenly you're not
anymore.

Okay, you don't have to
compare me to bill cosby.

No, you are him.
Imagine this man in handcuffs

like cosby.
Please stop saying

bill cosby.
Put this man on the supreme

court right now.
No votes, no discussion.

You give him a god damn robe and
you let him do whatever the hell

he wants.
Because this right now, this is

my audition for the Trump
cabinet.

Andallo -- also a regional
production of "the crucible"

trust me when I say I was good.
All right.

All right.
I think we've heard more than

enough.
Ranking member feinstein, would

you like to say something in
closing.

I just have one final
question for judge kavanaugh.

After all of this, do you really
think you have the right

demeanor and temperament to be a
supreme court justice?

I went to Yale.
I worked my butt tough to get

here.
I busted my buns.

I lifted weights.
Every day.

With with Tobin, pj and squeak
and donkey dong Doug.

And yeah, we had a couple
thousand beers along the way,

especially my good friend Mark
judge who can't remember huge

chunks of his life but is
somehow my key witness.

You think I'm angry, you're damn
right I am.

But you think I'm angry now, you
just wait till I get on that

supreme court because then
you're all going to pay.

Give me a can of water.
And live from New York it's

and live from New York it's
"Saturday night."

[ Cheers and applause ]
♪♪♪

Announcer: It's
"Saturday night live"!

With --
Beck Bennett,

aidy Bryant,
Michael che,

Pete Davidson,
Mikey day,

Leslie Jones,
Colin jost,

Kate McKinnon,
Alex moffat,

Kyle mooney,
cecily strong,

kenan Thompson,
Melissa villasenor.

Featuring --
Heidi gardner,

ego nwodim,
Chris redd,

musical guest --
kanye west.

And your host --
Adam driver.

♪♪♪
ladies and gentlemen --

ladies and gentlemen --
Adam driver.

For subtitling services, contatct:
Waqas.Zahoor89@gmail.Com

thank you, thank you very
much.

Thank you, thank you.
Thank you.

I'm Adam, designated driver, and
this is the season premier of

"Saturday night live."
Which is exciting.

Which is exciting.
Which is exciting.

But the only thing about host
thing first show back is all

everyone wants to do is talk
about their summer, which is

fine, which is fine but honestly
this is about me I'm afraid of

small talk.
Oh, hey my dude.

How was your summer?
Oh, you know.

It was good.
I worked a little.

I travelled a little.
Oh, my god, is this really

happing?
Is she really describing her

whole summer?
Of course she worked a little

and traveled a little.
That's what every freakin' idiot

does.
Oh, no, she paused.

Quick laugh and smile a little.
[ Laughter ]

Anyway we're so happy to have
you back.

I'm great for it to be back.
You hang in there, man.

Anyway, one big spoiler about
"star wars."

Adam, what's up my man?
How was your summer?

It was good.
How was your summer?

Oh, it was petty good.
I worked a little.

I travelled a little --
you know what Beck?

[ Bleep ] You.
Are you really doing this, dude?

And I got married this summer
so I'm a big boy now.

Adam you know how it feels to be
a big boy?

Yeah, well I'm also married
and I was a marine.

Oh, okay, wow.
Me go back to the little boy

table.
Okay.

Hey, what's up, Adam.
Welcome back man?

You have a fun summer, dude?
Oh, so, so, so, so fun.

And you?
Well you know I worked a

little and I travelled a little
bit too.

Work hard, play hard.
You know what I'm saying?

Am I right?
Don't hit kenan.

Whatever you do, don't hit
kenan.

You worked so hard on your anger
issues, don't blow it on live

TV.
It's a funny story.

Yeah, so funny.
[ Laughter ]

Yo, is Adam driver going to
hit me?

He looks like he's going to go
all kinds of weird on my ass.

♪♪♪
okay, anyway.

Break a leg tonight.
Oh, I will.

Oh, I need them.
Okay, where was I?

Oh, right.
Ewoks are real.

I can tell you where to find
them.

You have to take a plane into
traver city, Michigan.

Yo what up?
How was your summer bro?

Did you work a little and travel
a little?

You know what, I did, Pete.
How was your summer?

You don't want to hear about
my summer.

No.
Actually, you're the one person

whose summer I actually want to
hear about.

We got great show for you
tonight.

We're going to work a little and
travel a little.

Kanye freakin' west is here.
So stick around.

Oh, and hey, kids, why not
smoke a cigarette during the

commercial break.
Because we're back.

[ Cheers and applause ]
♪♪♪

Let's play some fortnite
squad.

Slow boy, you got a mic?
Yeah, what up, let's get that

victory royal.
Hell yeah, all right, who

else on the squad?
Um, William mctavish 1972, you

there?
Yes, hi, this is

William mctavish.
Fyi, I've never played this game

before.
My 11-year-old son miles love it

and I want to learn how to play
so fortnite can be a fun,

bonding activity we do together.
Well, it's so easy, you just

run around and try to kill the
other squads.

There's like dances you can do
and stuff too, it's fun.

Okay, excellent.
My son plays with his step

father, Rick, and I'd like to be
better than Rick as soon as

possible.
Cool.

Okay.
So which character am I

controlling?
You're the blonde guy.

Okay, got it.
I am the blonde man.

He looks very outdoorsy.
Yeah, I guess.

All right, let's loot up and go
over to tilden.

And Mr. Mctavish, do you need
help?

I need help.

What am I doing?
You're running at wall.

Turn around, sir, come over
to us.

All right, gentleman.
Here I come.

Sir, just so you know, you
can walk forward.

All right, one thing at a
time, boys.

Okay, what do I do now?
One would be to stop doing

that.
There's someone directly in

front of me.
Yeah, that's me.

Yeah, instead of that, go
over to the loot chest and open

it up.
There's guns inside.

Okay, hold on.
There are guns in this game?

My ex-wife and Rick should have
asked before letting miles play

this, right?
I don't know.

Sir, I'm only 15.
I shouldn't be weighing in on

your marital situation.
But maybe open that loot chest.

All right, got it.
Am I doing it?

No.
You're jumping.

Push "y."
Oh, okay.

I got it now.
No, you don't, Mr. Mctavish.

Look at your guy.
He's running in a tight circle.

Just push "y."
Okay, hold on.

Just let me figure this out.
Okay, there.

Got it.
Got it.

No, you're back in that wall
again.

Why you like the wall so much?
Sir, just go to the chest and

press the "y" button on your
controller, please.

Okay, okay, okay.
One moment.

Okay.
I did it.

I have a firearm.

I see another squad heading
our way right now.

Let's do it.
Let's get a fortnite.

What am I doing?
>>

that's one of those dances
you can do but now is not the

time, man.
Oh, this is a riot, son.

Look at him go.
Those are here.

William mctavish, help us.
Just shoot these guys.

My guy's a good dancer.
Damn it, and we're all dead.

We didn't get one kill.
Well, we can't go out like

that.
You guys want to squad up and go

play again?

All right.
One quick game and then I got to

get back to rehab.

So we're back at "snl," which
is great.

It's my sixth season.
Sometimes I still feel like

people don't know who I am.
At the end of last year I

thought maybe it's finally
happing.

En the this summer happened.
"Snl" Pete Davidson has

confirmed that he and Ariana
grande are engaged.

This year's going to be lit.
Get here, brother.

Love you, man.
Hey, Lauren.

Hey, Kevin.
Feel like this year I've got

to make a statement.
So I'm going to change things up

a bit.
Okay.

You sure you want to do this?
Yeah.

Okay.
Here we go.

What up?
Why you so late, man?

What does it matter, bro?
I was just doing my thing.

By the way that shirt's
actually pretty lit.

I love this, bro.
People are finally starting to

take me seriously.
Then all I need is a hot

celebrity boyfriend and that's
fine by me.

You guys are going to write me
into your sketches, y'all got to

write my girlfriend in too.
You know Wendy Williams.

We adopted a pig.
Swag.

Yo o, cutty, y heard you were
hanging out.

How come you didn't hit me back?
I guess I was just busiy.

Yeah, busy.
Don't you know ib have like

mental problems?
Me too.

You want to come ought me?
Chill.

Y'all want to settle this, do it
the "Saturday night live' way,

cool?
Cool.

Cool.
♪

Gentleman, choose wisely.
♪

Guys, guys, guys, guys, as
host of the show I think I have

to ask you not to do this.
You don't belong here.

Now fight.
♪

I'm going to enjoy this.
Why are we doing this, man?

I don't want to fight you.
Really?

Yeah, man.
We're friends.

♪
ha-ha.

[ Laughter]
Well, it looks like we're

friends again.
And I guess I learned it

doesn't matter how you look or
how popular you are, it's just

about having fun.
Yeah, what's that?

Doctor says I'm going to die
a little later.

So how are you all enjoying
the new dominico gourmet coffee

drink?
I love it.

Yeah, this americano is
delicious.

I mean, I'll say it until the
day I die, dominico's knows

coffee.
I'm a bit of a coffee snub

and I have to say dominico's
nailed it.

Yeah, they really did.
Well, I'm glad you folks feel

that way because what if I told
you that the delicious coffee

drinks you're sipping on aren't
actually from a specialty coffee

shop?
What?

What's happening?
But they're actually coffee

from burger king new cafe
gourmet bk Joe coffee.

What the hell?
What, this coffee is from

burger king?
Look, damn, I guess I'll be

going to burger king a lot more
often.

Well hold the phone brother,
because I guess I just don't get

it.
You're telling me that I was

just drinking a delicious cup of
dominico's coffee with my new

wife and a bunch of puds walk
out with burger coffee and now

you're telling me we were
tringing bk Joe the whole time?

Sorry brother but I guess I just
don't get it.

Well, you actually do get it
because that's exactly what just

happened.
And you're not alone.

Nine out of 10 customers say
they can't tell the difference

between bk Joe and the fancy
stuff.

Well, I can tell this is
dominico's.

But the fun thing is is that
you actually drank bk Joe.

Well, probably everyone else
bought the bk Joe but mine

wasn't.
I'm a dominico's girl.

My new wife is a dominico's
girl.

Sure but the coffee is bk
Joe.

And get this, it costs just
$1.99.

$1.99.
You better take that back, you

pervert.
Whoa, no need for that.

You fed my new wife this
garbage?

Huh, this burger juice?
How dare you, a day after our

wedding.
You came here the day after

your wedding?
I can't believe I drank that

burger coffee.
Oh, my god.

I think I'm going to be sick.
Baby, baby, give me your purse.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Wait, I'm sorry.

You guys think that the coffee
is made from burgers?

It's not.
It just comes from burger king.

Excuse me?
Burger king?

What the happened to bk Joes?
Be real brother, are you him?

Is he bk?
Because I know it's not her.

What?
Bk Joe is not a person.

Why do I trust anything you
say?

You've lied about everything
else.

Oh wait, let me guess this isn't
even dominico's coffee.

It's not.
I've said that several times.

I've -- right now.
You know I'm -- right?

Don't try me, bk.
What about the Batista?

Is the Batista real?
I think you mean barista.

Batista, are you living real?
Oh, you got me.

I am a paid actor but I did used
to work at a Starbucks.

Is what a clown, because
that's what you are.

Okay, I know why you're all
doing this.

You're jealous of me, okay,
because people have been jealous

of me my whole life.
You guys have been jealous of me

since I walked into this
dominico's because you could

never get a man like this.
I can't go through this again,

not at a dominico's.
Ma'am, dominico's is not a

real place.
This was set built for a shoot.

I don't care where this
coffee came from, I love it.

Okay, look.
I'm only telling you this

because I'm the only nice and
honest person here but when you

say that, you sound poor.
You sound desperate and you

sound poor and when this movie
comes out, you're going to want

to kill yourself and I'm just
trying to be nice.

I'm sorry you think this is a
movie for burger king?

You see this?
This is you.

I'm so turned up so much.
I love you too.

I kill for you.
And you will.

Mmm, mmm, mmm.
Mmm, mmm, mmm.

Jesus.
Well, it feels like we're not

going to use any of this footage
so you can all go home.

Thank you.
All right, come on baby,

let's go.
Baby, don't forget the purse.

Can we stop at burger king?
I hear there's dominico's now.

This is brought to you by bk
Joe from burger king.

Bk, burger king and Joe is
coffee.

I dont know.
A frat party?

I should be studying.
Can come on live a little.

Welcome to the fun house,
nerds.

Homecoming weekend.
Well, Hank, this will be a

night we'll never forget.
Wow, this place crazy.

Look around, freshman nothing
we do tonight matters.

No consequences.
Sorry, guys.

Turns out we couldn't get beer
but we got cocaine.

♪ Everybody wang chun tonight ♪
wow, two girls kissing.

I live for this stuff, boys.
Hey, agnus, I got you a

present.
Me either.

You know, have you heard that
the guch kissed Agnes the

hagness?
Oh, that guy is such a

skeeze.
Yeah, stay away from him.

Hey, everybody.
People are going to be talking

about this party for the rest of
our lives and when they do,

remember that I,
Andrew gucherman said this,

memorize these nuts.
♪ everybody have fun tonight

everybody have fun tonight ♪
yeah, that was the '80s.

So how serious are the charges?
[ Applause ]

Ladies and gentlemen, kanye
west.

[ Applause ]
They have the fake orgasms.

Today ♪
♪ hey, I wanna cum

you're such a freaky girl
I love it

I love it ♪
♪ you're such a freaky girl

I love it
I love it

you're such ♪
♪ a freaky girl

I love it
love it, love it ♪

♪♪♪
♪ ghost

then I --
up on her cousin

or her sister ♪
♪ I don't know

nothin' ♪
♪ uh-uh, woo

like a lighter ♪
♪ we ignant

all this water
on my neck ♪

♪ look like I fell
when I went fishin'

fell
so much diamonds ♪

♪ on my bust down
ooh, --, what's the time

where we at
me and smoke ♪

♪ purpp sippin' drank
ayy

ooh, --
she take lines ♪

♪ lines
you're such a freaky girl

I love it, scoop ♪
♪ you're such a freaky girl

I love it
I love it

you're such a freaky girl ♪
♪ when the first time

they ask you if
you want sparklin' ♪

♪ or still
you acting like

you been drinkin'
you're such a ♪

♪ I'm a real freak
I need a real freak

whoop
I'm a real freak

♪ I need a real freak
whoop

I'm a real freak
I like a real freak

♪ whoop
I'm a real freak

I need a real freak
whoop ♪

♪ I'm a real freak
I need a real freak

I'm a sick --
I like -- ♪

♪ I'll buy you a sick truck
I'll get you

that nip-tuck
I'll get your nip-tuck ♪

♪ I'm up in the
how you start a family ♪

♪ the condom slipped up
I'm a sick --

I'm inappropriate
I like hearin' stories ♪

♪ I like that
I wanna hear more

--
send me some more ♪

--, you triflin'
bitch

♪ you're such a freaky girl
I love it

I love it
you're such a freaky girl ♪

♪ I love it
I love it

'cause you know
in the old days ♪

♪ they couldn't say the
-- they wanted to say

they had to fake orgasms
and -- ♪

♪ we can tell -- today
hey, I wanna cum ♪

♪♪♪
[ Cheers and applause ]

It's weekend update with
Colin jost and Michael che.

♪♪♪
announcer: It's

"weekend update" with Colin jost
and Michael che.

Hello, hello.
Good evening everyone.

Welcome to "weekend update.
I'm Michael che.

And I'm Colin jost.
Judge Brett kavanaugh and

Dr. Christine blasey Ford
appeared Thursday in front of

the senate judiciary committee.
It was a classic debate of she

said, she yelled.
This and his testimony, I guess

kavanaugh thought the hearing
was about whether he was cool in

high school.
We drank beer.

I liked beer.
Still like beer.

I worked out with other guys at
Tobin's house.

We drank beer, we liked beer.
Working out, lifting weights.

Just to meet up and have some
beers.

I got to say, you're not
really helping yourself in a

drunken assault case when you
yell about how much you liked

drinking and how strong you were
at the time.

Pretty much the only ones who
kept their composure in the

entire hearing were the woman
being questioned and the women

Republicans had to hire to talk
to the woman being questioned.

Now, I know on an optics level,
I understand why the Republicans

did that.
But if you're not the right

person to ask questions at a
senate hearing, maybe you're not

the right person to be a
senator.

I just want to remind
everybody that all that yelling

and crying happened at a job
interview.

I mean typically when you're
asked about a sexual assault and

your drinking problem at job
interview, you don't get the

damn job.
I don't know if Mr. Kavanaugh

has a history of assault or if
he actually has a drinking

problem.
But I do know that he might.

And you shouldn't be on the
supreme court if you might.

I mean you shouldn't be on the
people's court if you might.

Sometimes might is enough.
Okay?

Like you can't board a plane if
you might be a terrorist.

We can't have sex if you might
have dated Charlie sheen.

And then, of course, there
are his calendars.

You know, I have to say, if you
have calendars from 1982, it

does not just prove you're
innocent.

It does prove you're a hoarder,
you know when most people throw

out their calendars from 1982?
1983.

Also if you're drinking a bunch
and you keep a calendar, it's

probably to help piece together
what happened in your life.

He kept a calendar the same way
the guy in "momento" got

tattoos.
Now, to be fair to

judge kavanaugh, it's insane
that he has to answer questions

about his high school year book.
If you looked into anyone's high

school year book, there would be
something super embarrassing.

Like I regret that my senior
quote was a smash mouth Lyric.

And I very much regret that my
hair style was "the Rachel."

But it they do ask about your
year book, why would you lie?

Which reminds me that devil's
triangle is not a drinking game.

But speaking of drinking games,
if you took a shot for every

time kavanaugh lied about his
year book, you'd be as drunk as

Brett kavanaugh was in the
summer of '82.

You know, these hearings, I
learned a lot about what happens

at white prep schools.
And I'm sending my kids to a

black school where it's safe.
Of course this is a big deal.

Because the supreme court judge
a lifetime job and sadly that's

more importedant to congress
than the concerns off thankful

country.
Kavanaugh could be the deciding

vote on issues concerning the
very people he makes feel

unsafe.
It would be like letting the

coyote decide on road runner
rights.

Also, why does it have to be
him?

You can't just pick another dude
from the illuminati lizard

meetings?
Are Republicans so pro life that

you don't even have a plan b for
this?

Now President Trump on
Friday ordered the FBI to

conduct a new investigation into
kavanaugh.

He said the FBI should probably
drop everything else and only

investigate this one thing
because after Dr. Ford 's

testimony in this new FBI
investigation, kavanaugh

basically has two strikes
against him or as kavanaugh

thinks of it, doseque.
Thinks of it, doseque.

And there comment is current
justice Ruth gader ginsburg.

Oh, justice.
♪ I'm never going to give you up

never going to let you down ♪
♪ never going to turn around and

retire ♪
so what tid you think of the

kavanaugh hearing?
These guys are going nuts.

Crying and yelling and laughing
and both.

And ay-yi-yi.
It was unhinged.

And I know unhinged.
You should see my joints, Colin.

My x-rays look like the gate at
a haunted house.

Seriously, Colin.
This guy thinks his conformation

hearing was unfair.
My confirmation was they threw

me in a river to see if I'd
float.

And I did.
I floated on top like a little

water bug.
You got Lindsey Lohan Graham out

there getting all messy like
we're at party in mykonos.

Hey, Lindsey, are you herbie?
Because you look fully loaded.

And that's a gins-burn.
♪ ♪

So, justice, what to you
think is going to happen now?

He's probably going to get
confirmed.

And now the Republicans want to
do a whole FBI investigation so

they can go ahead and vote yes
anyway.

Hey, Jeff flake, you can borrow
a pair of my panties since

you're so concerned about
covering your own as.

That's a gins-burn.
♪ ♪

That energy.
What did you think about

kavanaugh's calendars?
You mean the portrait of the

judge as a young d-bag?
Spell bounding.

You want to see my calendar from
1982?

This ought to ebe fun.
Turn 100.

Break glass ceiling.
Shut up.

Do lapse in a bird bath.
Now here's my calendar from

today.
That's it.

That's all I got to do.
I've been alive so long I'm

restarting my life cycle, like
cicada.

I'm going through puberty again.
I got all sorts of feelings

about "riverdale."
Cole sprouse is looking like a

snack to me.
Hey, jughead, why don't you come

over and put your head on my
jugs.

And check out my heart murmur
while you're that.

That's a slow gins-burn what.
♪ ♪

How do you feel about
potentially sharing the bench

with a potential justice
kavanaugh?

You know what, I'm thrilled.
We're gonna be very welcoming.

The guy likes drinking games so
much we got one planned for him.

It's called quarters.
It's when me and sotomayor put a

roll of quarters in a sock and
beat the hell out of him.

I'm kidding.
I'm kidding.

I would never be able to lift a
roll of quarters.

That's a self gins-burn.
♪ ♪

Ruth bader ginsburg,
everyone.

Everyone.
A new report from the u.N.

Shows last year Columbia saw a
record number of cocaine

production.
The previous record was held by

Bobby brown's sneeze.
The Philadelphia flyers are

being mocked online for their
new team mascot, which is a

7-foot tall fuzzy creature named
gritty with a orange weird,

googly eyes and I assume a dime
bag of mostly stems.

And this is an interesting fact,
fwrity was the first mascot ever

based on the crayon drawings of
a 5-year-old who saw his parents

murdered.
Murdered.

Well, according to a new
study --

you owe ome an apology.
Hey.

You oh me an apology.
I am not a cheater.

I have never cheated in my
entire life.

Leslie, I told you we're not
going to do the Serena Williams

bit.
You are a liar and a thief.

Say you sorry.
You will never work at the news

desk afwn.
Again.

The story is three weeks old.
You will not take this from

me.
Look, Colin I spent all summer

getting my body in Serena shape
so I'm going to play Serena on

TV like look at me, look at me.
Yas, yas.

Ookay, okay.
Back to Serena.

I want an apology.
Leslie --

don't talk to me.
Oocan cay.

Okay.
Serena Williams everybody.

This moment is for Naomi
Osaka.

Osaka.
Hey hey hey.

Bill cosby was sentenced -- bill
cosby was sentenced for three to

10 years in prison.
You know what really bothers me

about bill cosby if I can be
serious.

He made a show called "the cosby
show" and it was about a guy

named cliff huxtable.
Isn't that weird?

A woman in Chicago was
scammed out of more than $11,000

by a Bruce Springsteen
impersonator she saw online.

One way to tell that someone is
not the real Bruce Springsteen

is that he asked to borrow
11,000 dlfr.

$11,000.
I mean "Frazier" is about

"Frazier."
"roseanne" is about roseanne.

"Seinfeld" is about Seinfeld.
And "the cosby show" is about

cliff huxtable?
Am I the only one bothered by

this?
All right, fine.

Take the rapist's side.
Dunkin' donuts announced

that it will change its name to
just dunkin' the other half of

its name had to be amputated due
to diabetes.

That was the oh.
Researchers in Hong Kong are

report thing first ever case of
a human contracting rat

hepatitis.
Now hes to the inform every rat

he's ever slept with.
And here to talk about how

he spent his summer, Pete
Davidson.

Hi, Colin.
So my summer.

Do I need explain or I can just
get into it?

You got engaged to Ariana
grande.

I did.
Thank you.

I got engaged and no one could
believe it and I can't believe

it and I get it, she's number
one pop star in the world and

I'm that guy from "snl" everyone
thinks is in desperate need of

more blood.
Well, congratulations.

I know it's been kind of crazy.
You remember when that whole

city pretended that kid was
Batman because he was sick?

That's what this feels like.
Have you been enjoying all

the attention?
I hate it.

It's awful.
I'm so scared.

I got death threats.
It's Malcolm X, Martin Luther

king and Pete Davidson are all
people who have gotten death

threats.
And I assumed I would find out

about it like how they do in
movies like the government's in

your living room with head sets
and detectives in suits and

they're like sir, we have a
situation.

I was leaving my building and my
door man said, yo, man, somebody

trying to kill you.
Now if you don't mind me

asking.
What's the prenup situation?

Obviously I wanted one.
So god forbid we split up and

she takes half my sneakers.
No, look, I'm totally

comfortable being with a
successful woman.

I think it's taupe.
I live at her place.

She pays 60 grand for rent and
all I have to do is stock the

fridge.
Well, the man doesn't always

have to be the bread winner in a
relationship.

God damn right, Colin.
He does not.

Last night I switched to birth
control with tick tacks.

I believe in us and all but I
want to make sure that she can't

go anywhere.
Well, she put a song on her

new album and it was called Pete
Davidson.

That seems like a very amazing
thing to do.

Sick.
And what have you done for

her?
I mentioned the fridge thing,

right?
Also love her very much.

You know loyalties for the Pete
Davidson song, like if we break

up which we won't and we will
but but we won't and there will

be a song called Pete Davidson
playing at speakers in Walmart

and I'll be working there.
I'm Colin jost.

I'm Michael che.
♪ ♪

And in my opinion, that's
how we make the fire go away.

Oh, wow, thank you wow.
To continue our career day

presentations, we'll turn it
over to malikay's father.

I hear he's super old.
Is that true?

I dont know.
He's a dad.

Dads are old.
I don't know, he's a dad.

Dads are old.
Greetings, children.

I'm mordecai's father.
Hello, boy.

You look well.
Look at your father, boy.

Look upon your father with
pride.

I'm looking at you, geez.
All right.

Mr. Parnassus, why don't you
tell us about what you do for a

living?
Can you hear me now,

children?
So, my occupation is of much

importance.
For 82 years, I have been an oil

man.
A "barren," some have called me.

Now what does an oil barren do?
And the answer?

Crush your enemies.
Grind their bones into dirt.

Make them regret they were ever
born.

Oh, sick!
Wow, right into the dirt.

So, if the kids want to pursue a
career in oil, what kinda traits

would serve them well?
Well, oil is not for the

weak.
It is the earth's milk, and only

the strong may suckle at
mother's teat.

Do you hear me, boy?
Only the strong.

Look at your father.
Look at me.

Look at him, mordecai.
Dad, this is embarrassing.

One man came close to
breaking me.

H.r. Pickens.
He did not succeed.

For I crushed him into the
ground.

Who is h.R. Pickens?
Exactly.

Hey, Samantha, let's stop it,
okay?

Yes.
Well, Mr. Parnassus, the oil

business, it must be pretty
lucrative, right?

Oil has little to do with
profit, ma'am.

Oil is about domination of the
spirit.

Allow me to demonstrate.
Children, point to the weakest

in your class, and we shall ruin
their spirit, as I've ruined the

spirit of h.R. Pickens so long
ago.

Word.
You are weak like

h.r. Pickens.
Feel this, boy.

Understand the pain.
You think I was always the

picture of strength I am now?
No, dad, you couldn't get out

of bed for a week 'cause the
mattress was too soft.

Mind over flesh, boy.
I was born seven months too

early.
Incubation technology was still

in it's infancy.
So, they placed me into a cast

iron pot inside a pizza oven
until I was ripe enough to walk.

My bones never hardened, but my
spirit did.

Be strong, and crush your
enemies.

Well, this has been
outstanding, Mr. Parnassus, but

unfortunately we are starting to
run out of time.

Oh, boo.
So, does anyone else have any

questions for mordecai's dad?
Yeah, yeah.

I get that you're an oil barren,
but what do you actually do?

So, perhaps I was not clear.
Luckily, I brought a visual aid

which will illuminate the ins
and outs of the oil industry.

♪♪♪
oh.

This dead bird represents
those who will wish you ill.

Once proud, flying high above
the earth in bloody defiance of

her 50 gifts and now you will
throw her down, noced and

defeated.
Oww.

Look.
I married your granddaughter,

filled her belly with my
festering seed and sired a boy.

He is my fateful revenge, h.R.
Dad, come on.

I want to be you when I grow
up.

And so, you shall.
Now, children.

I was asked to bring a healthy
snack, so join me in the hall

for swine livers and Capri suns.
All right, kids.

Go out and eat those pig guts.
[ Cheers and applause ]

♪♪♪

Once again, kanye west.
[ Applause ]

♪ We got love love love you
better believe it ♪

Turn the music up in the
speakers in the house.

Turn it up.
Make some noise, y'all.

♪ I got black love and marriage
yeah they going to say you can ♪

♪ have it but I'm like don't
kill the messenger ♪

♪ we going to kill the stigma ♪
♪ not about what you got it's

about love ♪
self love is the best love when

you going to ♪
♪ take the off ♪

♪ tea parties over don't need
makeup to dress you up ♪

♪ I gave birth on the bathroom
floor I hope this greets you ♪

♪ throw your hands up play catch
with the honeys ♪

♪ love is the new money ♪
♪ I'm just dealing with the

homeys ♪
♪ homey's where the heart is ♪

♪ I'm just dealing with the
homeys home is where the heart

is ♪
♪ love love love you better

believe it ♪
we got love love love you better

believe it ♪
♪ I love in abundance love is

the new money ♪
♪ I'm mentally wealthy I'm

I'm fresh out of onyx ♪
♪ I'm playing with had honeys ♪

♪
balling I'm ballen ♪

♪ love is the new money love is
the new money ♪

♪ that's my frequency love is
the new wave ♪

♪ play catch with the honeys
love is the new money I'm just

chilling with the homey ♪
♪ home is where the heart is ♪

♪ love is the new money I'm just
chilling with the homeys ♪

♪ home is where the heart is
throw your hands up ♪

♪ we got love love love you
better believe it ♪

♪ we got love love love you
better believe it ♪

♪ dance with the honeys love is
the new money play catch with

the honeys ♪ love is the new
money ♪

♪ I'm chilling with the homeys
home is where the heart is ♪

♪ love is the new money I'm just
chilling with the homeies ♪

♪ home is where the heart is ♪
♪ equality, you keep your focus,

you keep your sense of love and
you keep your sense of purpose.

Those are integral.
You know, they're key.

Happiness.
A lot of people define success

differently.
For me you can have everything.

Just have all the money in the
world but if it's not enjoyable,

if it's not sustainable.
If you can't be a person of

integrity while having all of
these things, what does it

matter?
What does it mean?

The value is internal.
Your value is internal.

♪
[ Applause ]

♪

♪♪♪
♪♪♪

A couple of league of the
south announcements.

They have been selling
confederate flag blankets.

All proceeds go to the troops.
And there's been some complaints

about our fantasy football
league.

We're going to go ahead and say
you can pick black players on

your team.
So that's going to help things

out a lot.
Now Jim has something important

to say.
Oh, friends, you've seen it.

It's been over a year since we
marched on charlottesville and

things haven't gotten better.
More foreigners coming in.

More strangers who don't respect
our way of life.

We're losing our culture and I
will not sit quietly.

You with me?
Okay.

All right.
So tonight, I have a plan.

A grand vision.
If they're going to keep coming

here, then we're going to go
someplace else.

Our own place for our own
people.

All right, no immigrants, no
minorities.

An aguarian community where
everyone lives in Harmony

because every single person is
white.

Yes, sir.
I know that place.

That sounds like Vermont.
Vermont?

No, sir.
What I'm talking about is a

place purely for caucasians,
where even the folks who wash

the dishes and pick the fruit
are white.

Oh, yeah, that's Vermont.
Excuse me, are you new here?

Yeah, I'm originally from up
north.

Oh, whoa, whoa.
No, no, don't worry, I'm from

Boston.
Okay, okay, good, good.

I've been to Vermont many times
and it's just like what you're

saying.
I'm sorry but you don't seem

to understand.
What I'm proposing is a whole

new society going back to a time
when a white man can take the

things that he grew from the
ground and trade them with

another white man who grew
things from the ground.

That's the farmer's market
and they're all over Vermont.

Damn it, this ain't some
yankee commune.

The place I'm envisioning is a
paradise.

Country stores.
Yep.

We've got covered Bridges.
Oh, yeah.

The kind of place where you
can drive around in an old car

and wave to folks on porches
having breakfast.

Yeah, I'm sorry, I saw that
last week in Vermont.

Yeah, well, okay, well be
that as it may, no one wants to

move to Vermont, right?
I don't know.

It sounds kind of nice.
Are there lots of dogs running

around wearing bandanas?
Of course they are.

We're getting off track.
You know how we were going to

go to colonial williamsburg
again?

Maybe we should go to Vermont.
Come on.

You want colonial williamsburg.
It's things as it should be.

I know, Jim, but this place
sounds nice.

Pancakes on the porch.
Spiked apple compost, the leaves

change colors but the people
never do.

Why wouldn't we want to go?
And I just found an airbnb in

shelburne and listen to this.
Cozy, eight bedroom farmhouse,

vaulted ceiling, two way
fireplace, fly fishing and off

road nearby.
That's a Caucasian paradise

y'all.
All right.

Okay everybody, wrap it up.
All right, your little

confederate pity party got an aa
meeting here in 10 minutes.

Hold on, William, you ever
been to Vermont?

Vermont, why would I want to
go there?

There's no hip-hop on the radio,
people paying to run around in a

corn maze not black man for
miles.

Hell no.
All right,

thanks to Matt Damon,
Rachel dratch, Gianna Taylor,

lil' pump, this audience, this
cast, the writers, Lauren, once

again, kanye west.
[ Cheers and applause ]

♪ Some day
some day

some day I'll ♪
♪ I wanna wear

a starry crown ♪
♪ some day

some day I wanna lay down
like god did on Sunday ♪

♪ some days some days
I remember this

on Sunday ♪
♪ back way way way

hey hey way way ♪
♪ some day

I'm not going to please
everybody ♪

♪ some day some day hey ♪
♪

That's gonna please
everybody ♪

♪ someday I wanna put
the red dot

on everybody ♪
♪ some days

I do what
I wanna ♪

♪ fina smokin
marijuana

some day ♪
♪ I've been tryin

to make you love me ♪
♪ but everything

I try just takes
you further from me ♪

♪ some days
we gon get

pissed off ♪
♪ some day

we gon
set it off ♪

♪ baby don't you
bet it all

on a pack of
fentanyl ♪

♪ you might think
they wrote you off

they gon have to
rope me off ♪

♪ one day the drama'll
be gone

and I'll be
your favorite song ♪

♪ sometimes I take
all the shine

talk like I drank
all the wine ♪

♪ years ahead
but way behind

I'm on one two
three four five ♪

♪ no half-truths
just naked minds

this ain't what
they had in mind ♪

♪ but maybe some day some day ♪
♪ I've been tryin

to make you love me ♪
♪ but everything I try

just takes you
further from me ♪

♪ oh once again
I am a child ♪

♪ I I let go
of everything

that I know yeah ♪
♪ of everything

that I know yeah yeah ♪
♪ and nothing

hurts anymore
I feel kinda free ♪

♪ we're still
the kids

we used to be ♪
♪ I put my hand

on the stove ♪
New York City, I want y'all

to put your hands together, like