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1
00:00:02,345 --> 00:00:04,017
Eww, no! No.
No, no.
2
00:00:04,141 --> 00:00:05,557
Dad, we hate those.
3
00:00:05,609 --> 00:00:07,058
Yeah, that's why I get them,
4
00:00:07,144 --> 00:00:08,777
because then they last longer.
5
00:00:08,862 --> 00:00:11,229
If I get the ones you like,
they'll be gone in a day.
6
00:00:11,281 --> 00:00:13,448
That's really depressing.
7
00:00:13,534 --> 00:00:15,567
I know, my mom did
the same thing.
8
00:00:15,652 --> 00:00:18,370
Sorry.
9
00:00:24,912 --> 00:00:26,461
(sighing)
10
00:00:28,215 --> 00:00:31,466
You okay, Daddy?
Yeah, I'm okay.
11
00:00:31,552 --> 00:00:34,002
Do you have to poop right now?
12
00:00:34,087 --> 00:00:35,136
Dad, just go in the store.
13
00:00:35,222 --> 00:00:37,088
They'll let you.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
14
00:00:37,174 --> 00:00:38,295
No, I'll make it, it's okay.
15
00:00:38,342 --> 00:00:40,425
Daddy can't poop in public.
16
00:00:40,511 --> 00:00:41,510
(cashier) Do you know
the price of this?
17
00:00:41,595 --> 00:00:42,427
It doesn't have a price tag.
18
00:00:42,513 --> 00:00:43,762
It's okay, we don't need it,
19
00:00:43,847 --> 00:00:44,980
don't need it, don't need it.
No, I love those.
20
00:00:45,065 --> 00:00:46,097
It'll only take a second
to check the price.
21
00:00:46,149 --> 00:00:47,015
No, please don't,
please just, let's--
22
00:00:47,100 --> 00:00:48,099
Daddy!
23
00:00:48,151 --> 00:00:49,267
Just get candy, get candy.
24
00:00:49,353 --> 00:00:50,685
Cool.
Hey!
25
00:00:50,771 --> 00:00:54,439
You get candy,
get some candy, I don't care.
26
00:00:54,525 --> 00:00:55,774
Okay, that's enough, please,
that's enough.
27
00:00:55,826 --> 00:00:57,859
We-- That's--
Stop there, okay?
28
00:00:57,945 --> 00:00:58,733
You don't want any of this?
29
00:00:58,853 --> 00:01:01,008
Just take this shit, this...
30
00:01:01,570 --> 00:01:03,503
Thank you very much,
thank you very much.
31
00:01:03,623 --> 00:01:06,079
Sorry, I love you. Bye. Let's go, let's go.
But...I...
32
00:01:07,788 --> 00:01:08,753
Come on, come on,
come on, come on.
33
00:01:08,789 --> 00:01:11,590
Please, please.
Please hurry.
34
00:01:11,625 --> 00:01:13,291
(exhaling sharply, groaning)
35
00:01:13,343 --> 00:01:15,093
Come on.
Let's go.
36
00:01:19,550 --> 00:01:22,183
Lookin' nervous.
37
00:01:22,269 --> 00:01:24,469
(girls giggling)
38
00:01:24,521 --> 00:01:25,804
Are you-- are you okay?
Are you okay, Daddy?
39
00:01:25,856 --> 00:01:26,855
Okay, okay.
I'm gonna make it,
40
00:01:26,940 --> 00:01:27,889
I'm gonna make it,
I'm gonna make it.
41
00:01:27,975 --> 00:01:29,391
Yeah? Okay.
(grunting)
42
00:01:29,476 --> 00:01:31,726
(breathing heavy)
43
00:01:31,812 --> 00:01:33,144
Daddy, please, just run.
44
00:01:33,196 --> 00:01:34,946
I can't run,
it'll make it worse.
45
00:01:37,868 --> 00:01:39,150
Dad!
Oh!
46
00:01:39,202 --> 00:01:40,402
Come on!
(groaning)
47
00:01:40,487 --> 00:01:41,767
Dad, oh, my God,
go in this deli.
48
00:01:41,788 --> 00:01:42,871
No, no, no...
Hurry up, come on, Daddy!
49
00:01:42,956 --> 00:01:43,989
Yes, go in the deli.
Okay, okay, okay.
50
00:01:44,074 --> 00:01:44,990
Go! Just go in, okay?
All right.
51
00:01:45,042 --> 00:01:46,575
Hurry up, go!
Oh!
52
00:01:46,660 --> 00:01:47,742
(groaning)
53
00:01:47,828 --> 00:01:49,327
Better than a tree, right?
Come on.
54
00:01:49,413 --> 00:01:50,412
(groaning)
55
00:01:50,497 --> 00:01:51,830
Okay.
Sir...
56
00:01:51,882 --> 00:01:52,998
can I please use your bathroom?
57
00:01:53,050 --> 00:01:54,583
No, no, no bathroom.
58
00:01:54,668 --> 00:01:56,501
I'll buy some--
I'll pay you $20.
59
00:01:56,553 --> 00:01:58,003
No, there's no bathroom.
60
00:01:58,055 --> 00:01:59,087
Where do you go?
61
00:01:59,172 --> 00:02:00,305
Sir, please.
Please!
62
00:02:00,340 --> 00:02:01,306
My dad has to go
really, really bad.
63
00:02:01,341 --> 00:02:02,724
It's poo-poo!
No!
64
00:02:02,809 --> 00:02:03,842
Please, you don't understand.
65
00:02:03,894 --> 00:02:04,759
Please, listen,
it's an emergency!
66
00:02:04,845 --> 00:02:05,927
It's an emergency!
No.
67
00:02:06,013 --> 00:02:08,730
You don't understand.
No poo-poo here!
68
00:02:08,815 --> 00:02:10,982
You're mean!
You are a mean man!
69
00:02:11,018 --> 00:02:12,017
Okay, okay, okay.
No.
70
00:02:12,102 --> 00:02:14,686
You're a little white bitch.
71
00:02:14,738 --> 00:02:16,271
Come on.
72
00:02:16,356 --> 00:02:19,024
All right.
(groaning)
73
00:02:19,076 --> 00:02:20,241
Come on, be strong.
You can do it!
74
00:02:20,327 --> 00:02:21,526
Don't look back, come on.
75
00:02:21,612 --> 00:02:22,911
I--
Come on, you can make it, let's go.
76
00:02:22,996 --> 00:02:23,912
(groaning)
It's just poo-poo.
77
00:02:23,997 --> 00:02:24,918
Come on, Dad.
(groaning)
78
00:02:24,948 --> 00:02:26,247
Come on!
Go!
79
00:02:26,333 --> 00:02:27,532
You can do it, Daddy,
you can do it.
80
00:02:27,618 --> 00:02:29,367
(groaning)
You can do it.
81
00:02:32,005 --> 00:02:33,121
Police, police!
82
00:02:33,206 --> 00:02:34,589
What's the problem?
Help my daddy!
83
00:02:34,675 --> 00:02:36,875
He has to take a huge poo
and no one will help him.
84
00:02:36,960 --> 00:02:38,209
I can't help you.
85
00:02:38,295 --> 00:02:39,761
Jane!
Keep going, Daddy.
86
00:02:39,846 --> 00:02:41,129
Come on, Daddy,
it's only two more blocks!
87
00:02:41,214 --> 00:02:43,214
(groaning, grunting)
88
00:02:43,266 --> 00:02:44,716
What are you--
what are you doing?
89
00:02:44,801 --> 00:02:46,184
(Jane) Come on!
90
00:02:46,219 --> 00:02:47,552
I'm not gonna make it.
91
00:02:47,604 --> 00:02:48,553
(Lilly) What?
92
00:02:48,639 --> 00:02:51,022
I know I'm not gonna make it
93
00:02:51,058 --> 00:02:52,607
and I'm in a lot of pain.
94
00:02:52,693 --> 00:02:54,109
Oh, my God.
Oh, Daddy!
95
00:02:54,194 --> 00:02:56,811
Oh, yeah.
Daddy! No, Daddy!
96
00:02:56,897 --> 00:02:57,946
Jane, come on.
97
00:02:58,031 --> 00:02:59,147
Just go, just go.
No, Daddy!
98
00:02:59,232 --> 00:03:00,198
Jane, be strong.
Go down the block!
99
00:03:00,233 --> 00:03:01,232
Daddy!
Jane, be strong!
100
00:03:01,318 --> 00:03:02,317
Just get away from me.
Daddy!
101
00:03:02,402 --> 00:03:03,535
Jane, let him go!
Daddy, no!
102
00:03:03,570 --> 00:03:04,986
Just go way, way--
Don't look at me!
103
00:03:05,072 --> 00:03:05,987
Don't look at me!
We have to be strong!
104
00:03:06,073 --> 00:03:07,038
Daddy!
Jane, come on!
105
00:03:07,074 --> 00:03:08,123
I love you!
Daddy!
106
00:03:08,208 --> 00:03:09,207
Let him go, let him go.
107
00:03:09,242 --> 00:03:10,325
No!
Let him go.
108
00:03:10,410 --> 00:03:11,650
It's gonna be okay, Jane, okay?
109
00:03:11,712 --> 00:03:13,352
It's gonna be okay.
You have to be strong.
110
00:03:20,934 --> 00:03:31,653
Sync & corrections by honeybunny
www.addic7ed.com
111
00:03:38,472 --> 00:03:39,671
(Louie) All right,
thanks a lot, you guys.
112
00:03:39,740 --> 00:03:42,490
You're very nice.
(cheering and applause)
113
00:03:45,445 --> 00:03:47,245
Good job.
114
00:03:48,532 --> 00:03:50,248
Let's hear it
for Louie C.K.
115
00:03:50,283 --> 00:03:53,168
(cheering and applause)
116
00:03:57,124 --> 00:04:01,459
Wow, that-- I was in
the American Car Awards.
117
00:04:01,511 --> 00:04:03,094
(audience chuckling)
118
00:04:03,130 --> 00:04:05,213
And, uh, it was good.
119
00:04:05,298 --> 00:04:07,465
I'm supposed to, uh--
Thanks for coming.
120
00:04:07,551 --> 00:04:08,633
(man) Louie, Louie.
121
00:04:08,685 --> 00:04:10,018
Hey, Matchy, what's up?
122
00:04:10,103 --> 00:04:11,302
Hey, buddy, can you
help me out with something?
123
00:04:11,388 --> 00:04:13,521
What do you need?
Look, I got an open mic.
124
00:04:13,607 --> 00:04:14,806
It's supposed to start right now.
Yeah?
125
00:04:14,891 --> 00:04:16,524
Ralphie was gonna host it.
He's a-- he's a no-show.
126
00:04:16,610 --> 00:04:17,475
Can you--
can you host it for me?
127
00:04:17,561 --> 00:04:18,810
No, no, no, no, no.
128
00:04:18,862 --> 00:04:20,278
Come on, come on, it's easy.
What's the problem?
129
00:04:20,313 --> 00:04:22,147
You-- you do ten minutes,
you run the lottery,
130
00:04:22,199 --> 00:04:23,398
you give everybody
five minutes each,
131
00:04:23,483 --> 00:04:24,949
and then you, eh, you go home.
132
00:04:24,985 --> 00:04:26,701
(sighing) I can't do it.
133
00:04:26,787 --> 00:04:27,952
I gotta go,
I got somewhere to go.
134
00:04:27,988 --> 00:04:29,589
Where you gotta go?
I gotta go somewhere.
135
00:04:29,656 --> 00:04:31,706
(sighing) All right, I'll--
I'll give you 500 bucks.
136
00:04:31,792 --> 00:04:32,991
400 bucks!
137
00:04:33,076 --> 00:04:35,794
You just said 500.
Yeah, that was before.
138
00:04:35,829 --> 00:04:37,962
Before? It was barely--
It was almost after.
139
00:04:37,998 --> 00:04:39,798
Come on.
500 bucks.
140
00:04:39,833 --> 00:04:42,383
I'll do it, but you
give me 500 bucks.
141
00:04:42,469 --> 00:04:45,336
All right, fine, 500.
(handling bills)
142
00:04:45,422 --> 00:04:47,088
All right, 400.
(distant laughter)
143
00:04:47,174 --> 00:04:48,694
Really, why?
You ruined the 500 for me.
144
00:04:48,759 --> 00:04:49,641
Just give me 400, it's okay.
145
00:04:49,676 --> 00:04:50,892
All right, here.
Thanks.
146
00:04:50,977 --> 00:04:52,393
Here.
Great, okay.
147
00:04:52,479 --> 00:04:54,395
Don't-- don't put
two girls on in a row.
148
00:05:02,856 --> 00:05:05,824
You guys are here
for the, uh, open mic?
149
00:05:05,859 --> 00:05:07,358
All right.
150
00:05:07,410 --> 00:05:09,527
Okay, here's how
it's gonna work.
151
00:05:09,579 --> 00:05:11,362
We're doing a lottery.
(all groaning)
152
00:05:11,448 --> 00:05:12,831
That's what we're doing.
153
00:05:12,866 --> 00:05:15,200
I wish there was a camera
on the inside of my head
154
00:05:15,252 --> 00:05:17,368
and the inside
of all of your heads,
155
00:05:17,420 --> 00:05:20,371
and we could project it
onto the wall...
156
00:05:20,423 --> 00:05:22,373
over each other,
157
00:05:22,425 --> 00:05:24,209
and then we wouldn't have to
do anything.
158
00:05:24,261 --> 00:05:26,795
(laughter)
159
00:05:28,882 --> 00:05:30,799
Have a good night.
Thanks for coming.
160
00:05:30,884 --> 00:05:34,190
(cheering and applause)
161
00:05:34,716 --> 00:05:36,880
Lisa Swanson.
162
00:05:37,000 --> 00:05:39,336
Okay.
163
00:05:40,143 --> 00:05:41,893
Dorothy Shammel.
164
00:05:41,945 --> 00:05:44,896
(woman) You're not supposed
to put two women on in a row.
165
00:05:44,981 --> 00:05:45,980
(sighing)
166
00:05:47,651 --> 00:05:48,900
Good evening,
ladies and gentlemen.
167
00:05:48,985 --> 00:05:50,702
Welcome to the Comic Strip.
168
00:05:50,737 --> 00:05:52,287
Tonight is open mic night
169
00:05:52,372 --> 00:05:55,573
with your host,
Louie C.K.!
170
00:05:55,659 --> 00:05:58,493
(light applause)
171
00:06:02,249 --> 00:06:03,414
Hey!
172
00:06:03,500 --> 00:06:05,583
(applause)
All right!
173
00:06:05,635 --> 00:06:07,552
Thank you very much.
Welcome!
174
00:06:07,587 --> 00:06:10,004
Thank you for being here
for open mic night, everybody.
175
00:06:10,090 --> 00:06:11,890
Uh, I-- I don't know--
how many of you--
176
00:06:11,925 --> 00:06:13,675
I'm not even gonna ask.
177
00:06:13,760 --> 00:06:15,426
Open mic night
is where we--
178
00:06:15,478 --> 00:06:17,679
It's a--
Anybody can get on stage.
179
00:06:17,764 --> 00:06:20,431
Doesn't that sound great?
Um...
180
00:06:20,517 --> 00:06:22,183
These are new comedians.
181
00:06:22,269 --> 00:06:23,749
They're doing
about five minutes each.
182
00:06:23,770 --> 00:06:24,819
These are people
who, uh--
183
00:06:24,905 --> 00:06:26,821
Some of them have never
done it before.
184
00:06:26,907 --> 00:06:28,857
Uh, and that's it.
We're gonna--
185
00:06:28,942 --> 00:06:30,742
And we're gonna have fun.
It's fun, right?
186
00:06:30,777 --> 00:06:32,660
You gonna support
these... people?
187
00:06:32,746 --> 00:06:33,862
These-- Okay...
(light applause)
188
00:06:33,947 --> 00:06:36,748
Thank you for that.
So, let's start our show
189
00:06:36,783 --> 00:06:39,334
with our first
terrified young fellow.
190
00:06:39,419 --> 00:06:41,286
Please welcome
Mr. Mike Bocchetti.
191
00:06:41,338 --> 00:06:42,453
Give him a hand, please.
(light applause)
192
00:06:42,505 --> 00:06:44,789
Let's hear it
for Mike Bocchetti.
193
00:06:44,841 --> 00:06:46,361
Thank you, Louie.
Yeah, good luck, man.
194
00:06:47,961 --> 00:06:49,594
Hi, guys.
How are you?
195
00:06:51,514 --> 00:06:54,265
Most of the women I have sex
with are all the same.
196
00:06:54,301 --> 00:06:56,050
They're plastic.
197
00:06:56,136 --> 00:06:58,353
Uh, excuse me?
Yeah?
198
00:06:58,438 --> 00:07:00,471
Hi, I'm Bart Folding,
I'm up next.
199
00:07:00,523 --> 00:07:01,773
Bart, right.
200
00:07:01,808 --> 00:07:03,191
Okay.
What's wrong?
201
00:07:03,276 --> 00:07:05,310
Could you watch me?
202
00:07:05,362 --> 00:07:06,527
What?
203
00:07:06,613 --> 00:07:08,947
Could you watch me
and then give me a critique?
204
00:07:08,982 --> 00:07:10,648
Oh, dude, I don't--
205
00:07:10,734 --> 00:07:11,649
Please.
I don't know.
206
00:07:11,735 --> 00:07:12,935
It would--
it would mean a lot.
207
00:07:12,953 --> 00:07:14,319
(laughing awkwardly)
208
00:07:14,371 --> 00:07:15,904
You-- you don't--
you don't--
209
00:07:15,989 --> 00:07:17,405
(Mike) I gotta go, guys. You
were amazing, thank you.
210
00:07:17,490 --> 00:07:19,540
Oh!
Sorry.
211
00:07:19,626 --> 00:07:22,243
(light applause)
212
00:07:22,329 --> 00:07:24,629
Mike Bocchetti!
213
00:07:24,664 --> 00:07:26,798
Give him a hand.
214
00:07:26,833 --> 00:07:29,000
Okay, ladies and gentlemen,
please welcome a fella
215
00:07:29,085 --> 00:07:31,552
who I-- I gather
he's new at this,
216
00:07:31,638 --> 00:07:34,923
so give him a little help,
make him feel good, please.
217
00:07:35,008 --> 00:07:36,841
Ladies and gentlemen,
Mr. Bart Folding!
218
00:07:36,893 --> 00:07:38,843
Give him a hand!
Bart Folding!
219
00:07:38,895 --> 00:07:41,896
(light applause)
220
00:07:45,685 --> 00:07:48,794
I'd-- I'd like to tell you
about my childhood...
221
00:07:49,190 --> 00:07:52,448
Even though it was very painful.
222
00:07:52,568 --> 00:07:56,529
I used to urinate in my bed.
223
00:07:57,664 --> 00:08:00,865
And my mother would beat me
224
00:08:00,917 --> 00:08:03,835
for urinating in my bed...
225
00:08:03,870 --> 00:08:06,871
and then, so, from then on,
226
00:08:06,923 --> 00:08:09,040
I would urinate it--
in it more.
227
00:08:12,128 --> 00:08:16,214
I don't think
my mother... loved me.
228
00:08:22,222 --> 00:08:23,604
Hey.
Excuse me.
229
00:08:25,525 --> 00:08:27,976
Hi.
Hey.
230
00:08:28,061 --> 00:08:29,060
Bart.
Yeah.
231
00:08:29,145 --> 00:08:31,896
Can you, uh, give me
your critique?
232
00:08:31,982 --> 00:08:33,815
Oh... uh...
233
00:08:33,900 --> 00:08:35,783
You said you would.
234
00:08:35,869 --> 00:08:37,402
Well...
235
00:08:39,967 --> 00:08:42,040
All right, come on.
Come on.
236
00:08:45,745 --> 00:08:47,745
So...
(sighing)
237
00:08:49,416 --> 00:08:51,799
I don't know-- I don't know
what to tell you, Bart.
238
00:08:51,885 --> 00:08:53,968
I'm not funny?
239
00:08:54,054 --> 00:08:56,754
Well, it--
it's tough, but...
240
00:08:58,141 --> 00:08:59,424
No, you're not.
241
00:08:59,509 --> 00:09:00,842
You're not funny.
I mean, not--
242
00:09:00,927 --> 00:09:03,011
not on stage, anyway.
243
00:09:03,096 --> 00:09:04,762
Okay, okay. (stammering)
What do I change?
244
00:09:04,814 --> 00:09:06,597
Is it--
is it my jokes or--
245
00:09:06,649 --> 00:09:09,067
Jokes? See, I--
That's the thing, I don't--
246
00:09:09,102 --> 00:09:11,986
I don't really know that
those were really jokes.
247
00:09:12,072 --> 00:09:13,938
Like, when
you talked about--
248
00:09:13,990 --> 00:09:15,857
about wetting the bed on stage,
249
00:09:15,942 --> 00:09:17,575
did you think
that would be funny?
250
00:09:17,610 --> 00:09:20,161
Well, in comedy,
you're supposed to tell
251
00:09:20,246 --> 00:09:22,447
the truth, right?
252
00:09:22,499 --> 00:09:26,284
You know, just be,
like, honest about stuff.
253
00:09:26,336 --> 00:09:28,786
Yeah, but...
254
00:09:28,838 --> 00:09:30,955
You gotta--
But it has to be f--
255
00:09:31,041 --> 00:09:32,790
It has to-- You have to
start with what's--
256
00:09:32,876 --> 00:09:34,208
What makes you laugh.
257
00:09:34,294 --> 00:09:35,510
What makes me laugh?
258
00:09:35,595 --> 00:09:37,045
Yeah, you, what makes you laugh.
259
00:09:37,130 --> 00:09:38,379
That's where you start.
When you think about
260
00:09:38,465 --> 00:09:40,225
what to talk about
on stage, you start there.
261
00:09:40,300 --> 00:09:42,133
What is--
what's funny to you?
262
00:09:42,218 --> 00:09:43,801
Buster Keaton, Lucille Ball.
263
00:09:45,939 --> 00:09:47,889
Okay...
264
00:09:51,694 --> 00:09:55,029
Okay, listen...
you can't do this.
265
00:09:55,115 --> 00:09:57,231
The Comedy.
You can't do it, Bart.
266
00:09:57,317 --> 00:09:59,817
I'm sorry, and I--
267
00:09:59,869 --> 00:10:01,069
You're a nice kid
268
00:10:01,154 --> 00:10:02,286
and I appreciate that
you're so earnest,
269
00:10:02,322 --> 00:10:04,622
I really do, but--
270
00:10:04,657 --> 00:10:07,177
And I would never-- I would
never normally say this,
271
00:10:07,536 --> 00:10:08,736
because it's not my right.
272
00:10:08,856 --> 00:10:11,715
but I like you, so I gotta...
I have to tell you.
273
00:10:11,835 --> 00:10:13,149
You're not gonna be a comedian.
274
00:10:13,416 --> 00:10:14,882
I mean it, never.
275
00:10:14,968 --> 00:10:17,502
And...
you gotta get out.
276
00:10:17,587 --> 00:10:19,137
You gotta save yourself
some pain.
277
00:10:19,172 --> 00:10:21,889
I can't quit.
Never.
278
00:10:21,975 --> 00:10:23,508
I-- I'll die first.
279
00:10:23,560 --> 00:10:26,344
I love comedy.
280
00:10:26,396 --> 00:10:28,012
Oh, shit.
281
00:10:28,064 --> 00:10:29,180
Is there anything
you can tell me
282
00:10:29,232 --> 00:10:31,149
that'll make me better?
Anything?
283
00:10:32,485 --> 00:10:33,851
(Louie sighing)
284
00:10:35,271 --> 00:10:37,822
Talk in a funny voice, maybe.
285
00:10:37,857 --> 00:10:39,107
A funny voice?
286
00:10:39,192 --> 00:10:40,908
Yeah, you know,
like a squeaky...
287
00:10:40,994 --> 00:10:42,577
funny, high voice or something.
288
00:10:44,030 --> 00:10:46,114
Listen, I gotta go.
289
00:10:46,199 --> 00:10:47,915
Uh, good luck, really.
290
00:10:48,001 --> 00:10:50,034
And, uh...
291
00:10:51,287 --> 00:10:53,121
Okay, Bart.
Good, uh...
292
00:10:53,206 --> 00:10:56,207
good, uh...
good-- good stuff.
293
00:10:56,259 --> 00:10:57,125
(softly) Yeah.
294
00:10:58,342 --> 00:10:59,558
Dude...
295
00:10:59,643 --> 00:11:01,476
I'll go see the arty
movie thing with you,
296
00:11:01,528 --> 00:11:04,312
but I just suspect that
it's gonna be boring.
297
00:11:04,365 --> 00:11:05,565
Well, there's no point in going
298
00:11:05,566 --> 00:11:07,816
if you're gonna be
like that about it.
299
00:11:07,868 --> 00:11:10,285
Okay.
Okay, how about this?
300
00:11:10,320 --> 00:11:11,486
(child's voice) Gee, Mister!
301
00:11:11,538 --> 00:11:13,288
Can we go, please,
see the French
302
00:11:13,323 --> 00:11:16,041
black and white movie
about divorce, can we?
303
00:11:16,126 --> 00:11:18,744
Huh?
That'd be swell!
304
00:11:18,829 --> 00:11:21,046
All right, forget it.
Let's just not go.
305
00:11:21,131 --> 00:11:23,632
(laughing) Oh, my God!
306
00:11:23,667 --> 00:11:26,885
Okay, how about instead of
being a little baby,
307
00:11:26,970 --> 00:11:28,970
you be a big, fat man
308
00:11:29,006 --> 00:11:31,339
and you convince me
we should go.
309
00:11:31,425 --> 00:11:33,175
Stand up for your stupid ideas.
310
00:11:33,260 --> 00:11:35,177
Make a case.
311
00:11:35,262 --> 00:11:37,062
Okay, well, I didn't
go to college.
312
00:11:37,147 --> 00:11:39,848
And so I'm educating myself,
and it's an ongoing--
313
00:11:39,900 --> 00:11:42,601
it's an ongoing thing
in my life.
314
00:11:42,686 --> 00:11:45,020
Why didn't you go to college?
315
00:11:45,072 --> 00:11:46,905
I was a bad student.
316
00:11:46,990 --> 00:11:49,691
Really?
317
00:11:49,743 --> 00:11:52,411
Yeah, I hated school.
318
00:11:52,496 --> 00:11:55,197
Like, I remember
this one time...
319
00:11:55,249 --> 00:11:59,000
when I was in the third grade.
320
00:11:59,036 --> 00:12:00,368
I wanted to learn--
I don't want to hear this.
321
00:12:00,454 --> 00:12:02,954
Please.
It sounds long.
322
00:12:03,040 --> 00:12:05,674
But...
I was gonna--
323
00:12:05,709 --> 00:12:06,958
All right, you've had enough.
324
00:12:07,044 --> 00:12:09,845
Let's go see your smarty-faced
French movie thing.
325
00:12:09,880 --> 00:12:11,713
♪
326
00:12:11,833 --> 00:12:15,075
_
327
00:12:15,195 --> 00:12:18,364
_
328
00:12:25,881 --> 00:12:27,946
Oh, this doesn't suck
at all, does it?
329
00:12:28,031 --> 00:12:30,282
Okay, let's go.
330
00:12:30,367 --> 00:12:31,783
No, stupid.
331
00:12:31,869 --> 00:12:33,468
What?
332
00:12:33,537 --> 00:12:34,820
Let's make the most of it.
333
00:12:34,905 --> 00:12:37,122
What are you--
what are you doing?
334
00:12:37,207 --> 00:12:38,573
What are you doing?
I'm not doing anything.
335
00:12:38,659 --> 00:12:41,126
You are.
What?
336
00:12:41,211 --> 00:12:43,578
(unzipping)
337
00:12:43,664 --> 00:12:45,380
You're gonna do
a Pee-wee Herman in here.
338
00:12:45,415 --> 00:12:47,132
What-- what?
339
00:12:49,052 --> 00:12:51,586
Okay, get started.
340
00:12:51,655 --> 00:12:53,922
Go ahead.
341
00:12:53,974 --> 00:12:54,973
(whistling)
342
00:12:55,058 --> 00:12:56,341
I'm not doing that in here.
343
00:12:56,426 --> 00:12:57,726
Yes, you are.
344
00:12:58,896 --> 00:13:01,263
No, I'm not.
345
00:13:01,315 --> 00:13:03,532
You are.
346
00:13:03,600 --> 00:13:04,566
I'm what?
347
00:13:04,601 --> 00:13:06,985
You're gonna do it.
348
00:13:07,070 --> 00:13:09,070
I'm gonna do what?
349
00:13:11,141 --> 00:13:13,108
Say it.
350
00:13:13,160 --> 00:13:14,743
Tell me what you want me to do
351
00:13:14,778 --> 00:13:16,111
and I'll do exactly that,
352
00:13:16,163 --> 00:13:18,613
but you have to say it.
353
00:13:23,854 --> 00:13:25,720
Suck my... dick.
354
00:13:31,762 --> 00:13:34,129
Oh, my God!
(both laughing)
355
00:13:34,214 --> 00:13:36,131
Jesus!
356
00:13:36,183 --> 00:13:38,345
Come on, put your dick away.
357
00:13:39,553 --> 00:13:41,970
Let's go eat, 'cause
we're not "this" anymore.
358
00:13:42,055 --> 00:13:43,638
This is not--
No.
359
00:13:45,142 --> 00:13:46,057
(zipping)
360
00:13:53,603 --> 00:13:54,722
I love this place.
361
00:13:54,808 --> 00:13:57,025
I love, like, old,
Italian-y places.
362
00:13:57,828 --> 00:13:59,878
If you, uh, go in the bathroom,
363
00:13:59,963 --> 00:14:01,129
there's a gun behind the toilet.
364
00:14:01,165 --> 00:14:03,999
(opera playing in background)
365
00:14:04,084 --> 00:14:06,334
Do you wanna have
a sleepover tonight?
366
00:14:06,420 --> 00:14:08,503
Yeah, I really do.
367
00:14:10,057 --> 00:14:11,923
Your place or mine?
368
00:14:13,844 --> 00:14:15,310
What?
369
00:14:15,345 --> 00:14:17,062
What did your face do now?
370
00:14:17,147 --> 00:14:18,513
Well...
(clearing throat)
371
00:14:20,684 --> 00:14:22,584
What if they're the same place?
372
00:14:23,987 --> 00:14:25,020
Oh, hi.
373
00:14:25,105 --> 00:14:27,272
Uh, can we get
some more of that oil
374
00:14:27,357 --> 00:14:29,407
with the red pepper
in it, please?
375
00:14:29,493 --> 00:14:30,609
Certo, signora.
376
00:14:30,694 --> 00:14:33,445
Thank you!
377
00:14:33,530 --> 00:14:34,830
Don't you love this place?
378
00:14:34,865 --> 00:14:37,365
Mm.
379
00:14:37,417 --> 00:14:38,667
It's so good.
380
00:14:38,702 --> 00:14:41,503
Have you ever been to Paolo's
in the East Village?
381
00:14:41,538 --> 00:14:44,539
That's hardcore,
but this is really good.
382
00:14:44,591 --> 00:14:46,758
(flatly) Yeah, I have.
383
00:14:46,844 --> 00:14:48,310
Do you remember
how much fun it was,
384
00:14:48,378 --> 00:14:50,929
like, a few seconds ago...
385
00:14:51,014 --> 00:14:53,615
and now that you said that,
386
00:14:53,684 --> 00:14:56,885
it's all tight
in the chest and scary?
387
00:14:56,954 --> 00:14:59,187
So are you glad
that you said that now,
388
00:14:59,256 --> 00:15:01,623
about moving in together?
389
00:15:01,692 --> 00:15:02,774
Okay, so what,
are we supposed to
390
00:15:02,860 --> 00:15:04,025
never say anything scary?
391
00:15:04,061 --> 00:15:05,360
Yes, exactly.
392
00:15:05,395 --> 00:15:06,561
Why?
393
00:15:06,647 --> 00:15:09,698
Because scary is fun-ruining,
and I like fun.
394
00:15:09,733 --> 00:15:11,214
Do you like fun?
395
00:15:11,501 --> 00:15:13,011
No, I don't. I don't like fun.
396
00:15:13,131 --> 00:15:16,092
Well, I think you're a liar,
because you like me
397
00:15:16,212 --> 00:15:17,514
and I'm fun.
398
00:15:18,008 --> 00:15:19,124
So what, I'm not fun?
399
00:15:19,209 --> 00:15:20,325
No!
400
00:15:20,410 --> 00:15:21,827
Not at all.
401
00:15:21,912 --> 00:15:24,546
That is why I have to
make fun of you,
402
00:15:24,581 --> 00:15:26,248
because you are not fun.
403
00:15:26,333 --> 00:15:28,750
That's my job, to make you fun
404
00:15:28,836 --> 00:15:31,920
by making fun of you.
Do you see?
405
00:15:32,005 --> 00:15:33,555
Okay...
406
00:15:33,590 --> 00:15:34,756
Louie.
But--
407
00:15:34,842 --> 00:15:37,843
Remember, when we used
to be friends,
408
00:15:37,928 --> 00:15:42,676
before we were this
whatever-y couple, sex thing?
409
00:15:43,100 --> 00:15:46,268
Okay, so now we're this...
410
00:15:46,320 --> 00:15:49,821
and because I'm smart,
this is fun.
411
00:15:50,991 --> 00:15:51,940
(tapping on table)
412
00:15:52,025 --> 00:15:54,576
But believe me,
Louie, this is it.
413
00:15:54,611 --> 00:15:56,528
This is the best.
414
00:15:56,613 --> 00:15:58,580
Dude, think about it.
415
00:15:58,615 --> 00:16:00,782
You were married,
you got divorced.
416
00:16:00,834 --> 00:16:03,201
I had a kid with a guy,
it was awful.
417
00:16:03,287 --> 00:16:04,920
Didn't we learn anything?
418
00:16:04,955 --> 00:16:06,087
Well, what did you learn?
419
00:16:06,123 --> 00:16:07,789
There's more than
one way to be together.
420
00:16:07,875 --> 00:16:10,542
Do all roads have to
lead to ruin?
421
00:16:10,627 --> 00:16:13,929
Ruin?
Yes, ruin.
422
00:16:13,964 --> 00:16:19,384
Friends, sex, love, marriage,
divorce, ruin, okay?
423
00:16:19,469 --> 00:16:20,685
How about another road?
424
00:16:20,771 --> 00:16:26,024
Friends, sex, love,
Italian food...
425
00:16:26,109 --> 00:16:30,312
have your own places,
schtoop another person,
426
00:16:30,397 --> 00:16:34,149
friends, not to have to.
427
00:16:34,201 --> 00:16:35,317
I mean to choose to,
428
00:16:35,402 --> 00:16:38,536
to always make a new choice
to be together.
429
00:16:38,622 --> 00:16:40,238
Are you fucking
somebody else?
430
00:16:41,825 --> 00:16:43,074
That's what he hears.
431
00:16:43,160 --> 00:16:44,709
Louie!
What?
432
00:16:44,795 --> 00:16:46,912
How many couples
who were married,
433
00:16:46,997 --> 00:16:50,599
that you know,
had an awful divorce?
434
00:16:50,667 --> 00:16:52,334
Most.
Okay.
435
00:16:52,386 --> 00:16:54,502
And so, how many
of those couples,
436
00:16:54,554 --> 00:16:56,137
if they hadn't married,
437
00:16:56,206 --> 00:16:59,507
would still be together,
or at least still be friends?
438
00:16:59,593 --> 00:17:01,226
(sighing) See, now I'm scared.
439
00:17:01,311 --> 00:17:02,510
Why?
440
00:17:02,562 --> 00:17:03,595
Because, you're gonna
find somebody else
441
00:17:03,680 --> 00:17:04,913
and I'm gonna lose you.
442
00:17:04,982 --> 00:17:06,514
But, stupid, you don't have me.
443
00:17:06,600 --> 00:17:08,650
We're just closer
than we were before.
444
00:17:08,685 --> 00:17:10,452
I'm not yours
and you're not mine.
445
00:17:11,588 --> 00:17:13,455
But, guess what?
446
00:17:13,523 --> 00:17:16,024
I love you, right now.
447
00:17:16,109 --> 00:17:19,527
And tonight, we're gonna
have a sleepover.
448
00:17:19,613 --> 00:17:21,162
And then, tomorrow,
449
00:17:21,198 --> 00:17:22,914
we're gonna be in our own places
450
00:17:23,000 --> 00:17:25,951
and use our own showers and play
with all our own things.
451
00:17:27,481 --> 00:17:28,554
And then what?
452
00:17:28,901 --> 00:17:30,109
I don't know.
453
00:17:30,728 --> 00:17:32,204
But I do know
454
00:17:32,254 --> 00:17:33,646
that if we move in together,
455
00:17:33,766 --> 00:17:37,478
nobody is gonna love
anybody anymore, guaranteed.
456
00:17:38,181 --> 00:17:39,631
You know this.
457
00:17:39,716 --> 00:17:41,516
Don't you know this?
(sighing)
458
00:17:41,551 --> 00:17:44,719
Yeah, I do and...
(sighing)
459
00:17:44,805 --> 00:17:46,354
I don't know why I'm on
this side of the argument.
460
00:17:46,390 --> 00:17:49,291
I guess I just--
I just feel insecure.
461
00:17:49,359 --> 00:17:51,693
So?
That's all right.
462
00:17:51,728 --> 00:17:53,028
What's wrong with that?
463
00:17:53,063 --> 00:17:54,896
Well, so what do you want to do?
464
00:17:54,948 --> 00:17:57,399
I want to keep being two people
465
00:17:57,484 --> 00:17:58,817
who have a good time together
466
00:17:58,902 --> 00:18:00,618
and do dirty stuff sometimes.
467
00:18:00,704 --> 00:18:03,121
I mean, does it
have to be all in?
468
00:18:03,206 --> 00:18:05,156
All inclusive?
469
00:18:05,242 --> 00:18:08,410
Can't we just be, like...
a la carte?
470
00:18:09,830 --> 00:18:11,413
A la carte?
471
00:18:11,465 --> 00:18:12,747
Don't you want
to stick your dick
472
00:18:12,833 --> 00:18:14,916
in a bunch of ladies'
strange holes?
473
00:18:15,002 --> 00:18:16,801
Jesus Christ.
474
00:18:16,887 --> 00:18:18,253
Don't you?
475
00:18:18,305 --> 00:18:19,554
Well, do you want to--
476
00:18:19,589 --> 00:18:21,923
Yes!
477
00:18:24,261 --> 00:18:26,511
Wow.
478
00:18:26,596 --> 00:18:28,396
Look at that lady over there.
479
00:18:32,436 --> 00:18:34,235
Which one?
480
00:18:34,271 --> 00:18:36,321
(laughing) What do you--
what do you mean which one?
481
00:18:36,406 --> 00:18:37,439
Look at her.
482
00:18:37,491 --> 00:18:40,025
Look at the meatballs
under her neck.
483
00:18:40,110 --> 00:18:41,776
I mean, don't you want
to go over there
484
00:18:41,862 --> 00:18:44,662
and lick 'em and schmaltz
485
00:18:44,748 --> 00:18:46,164
all over them
and just be like...
486
00:18:46,249 --> 00:18:47,782
(sputtering)
487
00:18:47,834 --> 00:18:49,284
(kissing sounds)
488
00:18:49,336 --> 00:18:50,835
"Oh, I love you
best, lefty."
489
00:18:50,921 --> 00:18:53,755
(kissing sounds) Mmm.
490
00:18:53,790 --> 00:18:57,625
(woman singing opera)
491
00:18:59,000 --> 00:19:05,074
Everyone is intimidated by a shark. Become
a Card Shark AMERICASCARDROOM.COM
492
00:19:13,060 --> 00:19:15,393
See, I don't have tits
like that,
493
00:19:15,479 --> 00:19:18,396
so when you want tits
like that, you go elsewhere.
494
00:19:18,482 --> 00:19:19,814
A la carte.
495
00:19:19,900 --> 00:19:22,867
This is genius.
496
00:19:22,953 --> 00:19:25,370
(sighing) Look...
497
00:19:25,455 --> 00:19:28,289
you're about two years away
from a sharp decline
498
00:19:28,325 --> 00:19:32,160
in your looks
and bone-ability.
499
00:19:32,245 --> 00:19:34,379
And, me too.
500
00:19:34,464 --> 00:19:36,831
Not as much as you,
though, so...
501
00:19:36,883 --> 00:19:40,969
I mean, let's not waste what
we got left on each other.
502
00:19:46,788 --> 00:19:48,463
***
503
00:19:49,895 --> 00:19:51,242
Okay.
504
00:20:02,692 --> 00:20:05,193
Are you okay?
Yeah.
505
00:20:05,278 --> 00:20:07,695
Yeah, I'm just trying
to think of...
506
00:20:07,781 --> 00:20:09,531
what jokes I'm gonna do tonight.
507
00:20:12,836 --> 00:20:14,169
(Louie) I've been doing
comedy for a long time.
508
00:20:14,204 --> 00:20:16,671
I travel around the country.
I do comedy in other cities.
509
00:20:16,706 --> 00:20:18,226
I was in North Carolina
once and, uh...
510
00:20:18,258 --> 00:20:19,174
(woman) Yeah, man!
511
00:20:19,209 --> 00:20:20,508
I don't remember what town.
512
00:20:20,544 --> 00:20:21,709
It was like, you know...
513
00:20:21,761 --> 00:20:23,461
(speaking gibberish),
North Carolina,
514
00:20:23,547 --> 00:20:25,713
or something like that.
(laughter)
515
00:20:25,799 --> 00:20:28,216
(speaking gibberish)
516
00:20:28,301 --> 00:20:30,018
(laughter)
517
00:20:30,053 --> 00:20:33,021
North Carolina!
518
00:20:33,056 --> 00:20:36,107
Woo!
(speaking gibberish)
519
00:20:36,193 --> 00:20:38,393
(laughter)
520
00:20:38,445 --> 00:20:39,806
That's in South Carolina,
actually.
521
00:20:39,813 --> 00:20:42,230
(laughter)
522
00:20:42,282 --> 00:20:45,116
♪
523
00:20:50,407 --> 00:20:52,307
(Jimmy Fallon, on TV) My next
guest is a young comedian
524
00:20:52,375 --> 00:20:54,659
who has made a huge splash in
the scene just in the last week.
525
00:20:54,744 --> 00:20:56,105
Everybody's talking about
this guy.
526
00:20:56,163 --> 00:20:57,996
Please welcome Bart Folding,
ladies and gentlemen!
527
00:20:58,081 --> 00:21:00,999
(cheering and applause)
(fanfare playing)
528
00:21:08,825 --> 00:21:11,292
(squeaky voice)
I used to urinate in my bed.
529
00:21:11,361 --> 00:21:15,463
(laughter)
530
00:21:15,532 --> 00:21:19,067
My mother would beat me
for urinating in my bed.
531
00:21:19,135 --> 00:21:21,035
(laughter)
532
00:21:21,104 --> 00:21:23,638
Then I urinated in it more!
533
00:21:23,707 --> 00:21:26,374
(laughter)
(cheering and applause)
534
00:21:39,449 --> 00:21:49,772
Sync & corrections by honeybunny
www.addic7ed.com
534
00:21:50,305 --> 00:21:56,929
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