All language subtitles for The.Rockford.Files.S02E03.Gearjammers.Part.I.DVDRip.XviD-SAiNTS

(GASPS)

(CHOKING)

Hungry.

(BURPS)

Hungry.

Bye-bye.

(WHISPERS)
It's unbelievable.

It's bad news.
I can tell.

Tell it to us straight. We can take it.

It can't be true.

Who died?

I did. I died and went
to heaven, Aunt Elsa.

Have you been
drinking?

That was Monumental
Pictures in Hollywood, Dad.

They want to buy my book.

Your textbook?

He's been
drinking.

Fright and Fraud:

An Ethno-biocentric Morphogenesis
of the Mephisto Fallacy?

You mean Satan's Sex
Slaves. We did a rewrite.

The producer has
left Los Angeles.

He should be here tomorrow.

And I owe it all
to you, Aunt Elsa.

If you hadn't
helped me jazz it up,

it would be just another
forgotten academic treatise.

How thrilling!

How weird.
How much?

The money isn't important.

Do you realize what this
could do for my career?

Let's get back to the money.

This could launch me
out of academic obscurity

and into the public eye.

I wouldn't be just another
mythology professor,

I'd be a celebrity.

Like Carl Sagan,

Jonas Salk,

Norman Cousins.

Daffy Duck.

Daffy...

This could really put
the university on the map.

Students would enroll just
to be on the same campus

as the great scholar,
Dr. Lan Matheson.

But what sort of advance
are we talking about?

It was a textbook.

It is a probing, intellectual
exploration of evil

that bridges the boundary between
academia and popular literature.

Something to read in the
privy, besides the post.

Dad!

There's something
not right about this.

Only that it hasn't
happened much sooner.

So everybody get ready.

Our lives are
about to change.

MAN ON TV: Say, hallelujah.

Your eternal soul
will be revitalized.

(SINGING) She's lucky,
lucky Lucky, lucky, lucky

Well, like it?

Don't you have
any respect?

Your husband's barely
cold in the grave,

and you dress up like
the whore of the Pentagon.

Well, it's black,
isn't it?

And it's the
whore of Babylon.

Sorry. Guess I don't know
as much about whoring as you.

Too bad John wasn't
more of a man,

then I wouldn't
have had to learn.

Don't you dare talk
like that about my son.

Let's face it,
Mother dear,

John's loafers would never
have touched the ground...

Lies!

...if he hadn't been tied
down with your apron strings.

You ungrateful bitch!

After he left you
this house...

And you as a roommate.
Some inheritance.

If you'll excuse me,

I'm gonna go and find something
your beloved son could never give me.

You'll burn in hell.

(LAUGHS)

Hi, honey, I'm home.

(SCREAMS)

Yes, I will definitely
need a corner office.

And a leather couch
is an absolute must.

I think I'll put my
private bath over there.

That's the
department library.

Every university
has a library, Randi.

How many have the world's
most acclaimed mythologist?

Don't you think you're getting
just a little bit ahead of yourself.

Yes, you're right.

I'll simply switch offices with
the department chairman instead.

I mean, it's too big
for her anyway.

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

STEVENS: Dr. Matheson,
can I have a word with you?

That was quick. The news
must have traveled fast.

I wonder if she
brought her keys.

Do come in, Dr. Stevens.
Chairman Stevens.

What an unexpected
pleasure.

You know, before I came here,
my life was meaningless.

But your book...

It's given me a reason
to go on living.

I think I'm going to
tell all my friends

that they have to
take your class.

(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)

Dr. Matheson, do you
remember a conversation we had

before I left
for my sabbatical?

Was that the one in which
you told me I must either

publish a book
or find a new job

before you returned
from the Middle East?

That's the one.

Then this...

(CLEARS THROAT)

...must be the book.

I'm familiar with it.

IAN: I wasn't sure. It's not expected
to show up on the bestseller charts

until next Sunday.

Not only am I familiar
with your book,

but I consider it a disgrace to this
department and to our profession.

A disgrace?

But the critics say
it popularizes mythology,

makes it accessible
to the common man.

So does the average
Dracula movie.

But we're not in the business of
popularization here, Dr. Matheson.

We are scholars.

At least, most of us are.

You don't even know
what you're talking about.

This is a work
of scholarly research.

"She had felt
tender caresses before,

"but nothing as sweet as the gentle
stroking of Satan's scaly claw."

Funny. I don't see a footnote
explaining how you researched that.

It's called literature.

What I was trying to do was make
the study of mythology less arcane,

more understandable,
more enjoyable.

Well, I think
it's going to work.

No, it's not.

Because you're going to
recall every copy.

But I couldn't do that,

even if I wanted to.

Then I hope this book
makes you very wealthy,

because you won't be receiving a
salary from this university anymore.

She didn't bring her keys.

I heard.

Did you hear her say I didn't
know what I was talking about?

I mean, she wouldn't know a
mythological creature if she saw one.

She has.

You are not a monster.

Every month,
I turn into a werewolf.

Ten years into that university,
this is how they thank you.

Despicable.

I'm sure they'll
come to their senses.

Forget it. You'll be able
to buy and sell those losers

with your share of the
opening weekend's box office.

Do you think so,
Aunt Elsa?

The opening weekend tallies for every
horror film during the last 10 years.

What's your sudden interest
in my son's financial status?

A deep and abiding
sense of family loyalty.

And 10 percent.

The best agents
can command 15.

Why, you old hag!

(DOORBELL RINGS)

I'll get it.

Tell 'em we're
all booked up.

Lan Matheson?
Yes.

Charlie Beaudine.
Monumental Pictures.

Thanks.

My word, it's only 8:00! You couldn't
have landed more than an hour ago.

To tell you the truth, I came
directly from the airport.

I can't have those sharks at Universal
beating me to the book of the decade.

"The book of the decade"?
Really?

What can I say? I read
it and I was moved.

Of course, I was traveling 600 miles
an hour over the Atlantic at the time.

(LAUGHS)

You didn't actually read it
until you got on the airplane?

Actually,
I just skimmed it.

But it was an in-depth
and a very thoughtful skim.

I'm flattered.

The studio has big plans for
this project, Matheson. Big plans.

Big?

Big.
How big?

Stallone is reading the
coverage of the summary.

That's big.

I had a Paramount
spy on my tail.

Shook him off
at Piccadilly Circus.

IAN: Welcome to London.
Come and meet the family.

Everybody,
this is Charlie Beaudine,

the producer
I was telling you about.

I can't tell you how
happy I am to be here.

We want a percentage of
distributor's gross off the top,

and moreover,
we'd like very much...

(GROANS)

Outstanding!

Give the man a chance
to say no first.

You worm!

She's drunk. She crazy. In
fact, she's a complete stranger.

Now, somebody call the police
and get this lunatic removed.

Lan...
Randi!

What a pleasant surprise.

Have you lost weight?

Pig.

Is this any way to
treat the man you love?

Yes, is this
any way to...

Wait a minute.

You make me sick.

Do you two know
each other?

Vaguely.

Intimately.

Oh, this is great.

(DOOR OPENS)

My dead husband has
risen from the grave!

Professor, you've
got to help me.

You're absolutely right.
What?

Our ad says we investigate
the supernatural.

I think
this qualifies.

Well, he smells!

I mean, he's rotting
right in my house.

LILY: Come on, hurry up, now!
We haven't got a second to waste.

Poor old Randi, she just
can't take her liquor.

(GROANS)
Nice to see you.

We'll chat first thing
in the morning.

We'll do breakfast.

Come on now!

(GROANING)

So, I suppose you will be on one of
those fancy corporate expense accounts?

Triple platinum gold card.

Welcome to the Matheson
Bed and Breakfast.

Thanks a lot.

We hope
you enjoy your stay.

What is that smell?

That's him. That's my husband.
He's in the living room.

Interesting bit
of irony there.

Look, could you please
try to take this seriously?

Why? I know better than
to believe tabloid prattle

like this " I married
a zombie" story.

Then why are we here?

To get you away
from Charlie Beaudine

before you screw up
my deal.

Your deal? Oh, my
God, you don't think...

(LILY SCREAMS)

Hungry.

So much for tabloid
prattle, huh?

I could be wrong.

(SCREAMS)

(GLASS SHATTERS)

Hungry.

IAN: Randi!

(GROWLS)

Hungry.

(GROANS)

Oh, yeah? Try me, huh. I'm delicious.

Yummy, yum-yum.

Randi, don't.

Attaboy! Come on,
it's chow time, baby.

(SCREAMS)

(EXCLAIMS)

Hungry.

ELSA: I pinned him
down to the mat.

But he's trying to squirm
out of the subsidiary rights.

The cad.

We haven't even discussed
the merchandizing yet.

The weasel!

And if he thinks he's getting anything
before we've had a fat advance,

he's not.

Do you know,

I'm beginning to think he's more
interested in Randi than he is in my book.

(CAR HONKING)

Now...

IAN: Now this is
more like it.

ELSA: I'll say.

What a marvelous
morning.

I'm starved. You haven't
had breakfast yet, have you?

I was saving myself.

Good thinking. You're getting
a bit of a gut there, champ.

You might be better off
with a tasty vitamin shake.

In fact, why don't
you have mine?

What about the limo?

Think she'll like it?

You!

I tried to be Mel Gibson, but
I'm just too doggone handsome.

Get out of here
before I kill you.

She never was
a morning person.

Look, seriously.
I came to make amends.

I thought you came to
buy my book for the movie.

I'm ambidextrous.

How can you even face me
after what you did?

What did he do?

I'm a slug. I'm a worm. I'm a swine.

Keep going.

All I want is a chance
to say I'm sorry

and to show you how much
I still care about you.

I mean, look at it
from my point of view.

I would,

but it's very hard to see
anything from under a rock.

Look, you still have to
have breakfast, right?

Yeah.

Why not try
a tasty vitamin shake?

Why don't we discuss our
differences over Dom in the limo?

Caviar omelets
at The Wellington?

The Wellington?

Double platinum
gold card.

Triple platinum gold.

Triple platinum
gold card?

Yeah, I've come a long way
from where I was.

From where we were.

I'm not the same guy. I would really
like a chance to prove that to you.

Well, I suppose a little champagne
and caviar never hurt anybody.

I'll go pop the cork.

You don't wanna leave with
him, that man is slime.

Isn't that the same man
who wants to buy your book?

Exactly.
Have you read it?

I read the coverage
of the summary.

Aren't you
forgetting something?

It's the '90s, darling, women
can make their own decisions.

I'm talking about
the living dead.

So can they.

How can you eat
breakfast with him

when you know there's a
corpse walking the street?

Because if
I don't eat breakfast,

there will be two corpses
walking the street.

Maybe three if you don't let go of me.

Ciao.

(PEOPLE CHATTERING)

Don't think some fancy brunch is gonna
move you up the evolutionary scale.

I know how hard it's gonna
be for you to forgive me.

Or a lousy bunch
of roses.

I'm gonna have to regain
your trust all over again.

Or a cheap
bottle of wine.

And the only way
for me to do that

is to reveal to you
my innermost feelings.

Or a bunch of smelly food.

But...

It's a good start.

RANDl: A little
bit more. Thanks.

(CLEARS THROAT) Sir.

What will you
be having?

Oh, yes...

Right.

Toast.

Toast?

Yes.

And water.

Water.

Tap water.

I feel like
slumming it today.

You're succeeding.

It's quite simply the finest
privately owned Babylonian artifact

available in the
United Kingdom today.

Or, I dare say,
the world.

Don't exaggerate,
Andre.

Looks like
a paperweight.

I do assure you, Sir Robert, that this
is a rarity of the highest caliber.

A genuine Assyro-
Babylonian artifact.

Legend has it that it is
one of three lightning bolts

that crowned the
staff of Gilgamesh.

Only two are known
to be in existence today.

Legend has it.

That jacks the price
up another million.

Don't be difficult,
darling.

I've had my eye on this
piece for six months.

You said the same thing about
the Serbo-Croatian nutcracker.

A million two
that cost me.

And what are you
doing with it now?

Makes a delightful
paperweight.

(WHISTLES)

Hey!

(SCREAMS)

Exquisite, isn't it?

(SCREAMS)

Halt!

Go away, you horrible little man!

(WOMAN SCREAMING)

I say!

Get out!
Get out of here!

And I've regretted it
every day,

every hour,
every minute since.

Really?

As I recall,
your last words were,

"I'm too young to die."

CHARLIE:
I was overwrought.

You were engaged to me.

I loved you, Charlie.

I loved our life together,

I loved the future
we were gonna have.

And then,
you walked out on me.

And you took
that all away.

When I looked at you,
the only future I saw

was a balding guy
with a big paunch,

three slobbering kids, and
a paneled station wagon.

I wanted a Porsche,
I wanted a Malibu Beach home.

I wanted triple
platinum gold.

Well, you got
what you wanted.

Yeah. What I thought
I wanted.

What I really
wanted was you.

But by the time I realized
that, you'd already gone.

How do you think I felt when I
found out you'd flown off to England?

Relieved?

I don't know. I thought if I got out of
the country, then I could forget about you.

Did you?

No.

(CRASHING)

(WOMAN SCREAMING)

(GUN FIRES)

(GROWLING)

You!

He's dead.

Again.

(SIRENS BLARING)

Waiter, check please.

You sure know how to
attract deadbeats.

(BELL RINGING)

Gilgamesh!
Gilgamesh!

How could you?

The police said the bandits made off with a
lightning bolt from the staff of Gilgamesh.

Do you know
what that means?

I'm an adult. I can
make my own decisions.

I can see who I want,
when I want.

Gilgamesh stole the staff, which was
crowned with three golden lightning bolts,

from Utnapishtim, the Lord of the
Underworld, who ruled the dead with it.

I don't need your permission and
I don't need you to chaperone me.

I'm your student.

That doesn't
give you the right

to interfere with
my personal life.

Over the centuries,
the staff was broken.

Two of the bolts
have been found.

One is in the British Museum,
and the other was just stolen.

Are you listening to me?

Ah! Without all three
lightning bolts,

the staff could
raise the dead,

but not make them whole.

Someone has
the staff of Gilgamesh.

I want to know why you were
following me and I want to know now.

Randi, there are more
important things...

Not to me,
not now.

Why were you
following me?

It was a coincidence.

I go to The Wellington
all the time.

You couldn't afford toast
at The Wellington.

As it so happens, the toast at
The Wellington is quite affordable.

And tasty, too.

Admit it.

You were spying
on me.

I just didn't
want you to get hurt.

Don't you see?

He's just
manipulating you

to get a better deal
on my book.

CHARLIE: News flash,
bucko.

I came for Randi.

Your book just
paid my airfare.

If you'll excuse me,

I've got a date
at the cemetery.

Fun guy.

Lan, wait!

You didn't have to
do that.

He's a big boy,
he'll get over it.

You snake!

You lied to him!
You used him!

Yeah, I did.
And I'd do it again.

What was I supposed
to do, Randi?

Call you?
Write you a letter?

You never would
have seen me.

You haven't
changed at all.

I've been wrong
about a lot of things,

but leaving you
tops the list.

Must have been a big list.

It was the biggest mistake
I ever made in my life.

I shouldn't have
tricked him.

Or me.

No, certainly not you.

I was desperate.

I love you.

And I would do anything
to get you back.

(WIND HOWLING)

(GASPS)

Sorry, I didn't
mean to scare you.

Make yourself
comfortable.

This is a delightful place.
Remind me not to get buried here.

Well, look at
the bright side.

At least you wouldn't
have to stay long.

Now, there were four
corpses at the robbery scene,

and all four were buried
here in the last few weeks.

I'm sorry
about your book.

I had no idea.

It's okay.

Probably would have
made a lousy movie anyway.

But it's not important.

It is important to me.

And I know it is to you.

I'd never do anything
to hurt you, you know.

I know.

I also know that somebody
is raising the dead.

And if my hunch is right,
whoever is responsible

is gonna need
replacements.

If it gets any colder,
he's gonna have to raise us.

(CLEARS THROAT)

(CLEARS THROAT)

(CHAIN RATTLING)

So, why didn't you ever
tell me about Charlie?

You never asked.

I came to England
to forget about Charlie.

Last thing I wanted to do was
talk to my professor about it.

Surely we're more to each
other than student and teacher?

I mean, you are to me.

At least.

By the time it would have made any
difference, I'd been bitten by a werewolf.

And?

And...

It's hard enough to find a guy
to chain you up every month

and watch you turn into
a raging maniac

without bringing up
the topic of old boyfriends.

I suppose so.

Oops!

Hey...

I value our friendship
more than anything.

Even though you've got the
coldest hands of anybody I know.

I'm not holding
your hand.

You're not?

No.

Well, then whose hand
am I holding?

(YELPS)

What do
we do now?

What do you mean, "What do we
do now?" This was your hunch.

Yes. But I never
thought I was right.

Oh.

Randi, come back.

IAN: Ouch! You're stepping on my hand!

RANDl: I wouldn't have to
if you moved a little faster.

What's
your hurry?

In fact, let's come
back tomorrow.

Ha-ha.
Just keep moving.

RANDl: What do you
think that light is?

IAN: Maybe we should ask one
of these nice dead people.

Ow!

(RANDI SHUSHING)

IAN: Are you sure
you wanna do this?

How powerful is the staff of Gilgamesh?

Apparently, even incomplete,
it can raise the dead.

But they continue to rot.

If the staff is whole,
the myth says

it can restore the dead
completely to life.

Oh. Is that all?

Is that all?

What do you want it to do?
Sing and dance as well?

I want something
that'll cure me.

So you can go off
with Charlie?

Wait, stop!
I didn't mean that!

Wait! Randi, wait!

Randi, come back!
Come back!

Shh!

Look.

ZOMBIES: Hungry.

Hungry.

Hungry.

Hungry.

RANDl: That woman.
Isn't that...

It couldn't be.
It's your department head!

IAN: Oh, my God!

Samantha Stevens
is a witch!

How come
I didn't know that?

Ow!

STEVENS: Ah, Dr. Matheson.

And his student.

What a pleasant surprise.

Lan...

Hello.

So, you found
the staff of Gilgamesh?

It really exists.

You noticed.

Not everything in mythology is a myth.

Amazing what you can
discover on a sabbatical.

Yes, isn't it?

Well, it looks great,
you know.

It does wonders
for the room.

Sorry to
disturb you.

Yes, quite.

We've obviously caught
you at a bad time.

We'll just be on our way.

Don't be ridiculous,
Doctor.

Now that you've come,

you simply must
stay for dinner.

(LAUGHS EVILLY)

ALL: Hungry!

Hungry!

(RANDI SCREAMS)

Soon, I will have dominion

over the whole
world of the dead.

I'll be able to
restore them to life

to do my bidding.

I don't think she was satisfied
being the department head.

You'll need the
third bolt for that,

and it's in the British
Museum, heavily guarded.

Against the living.

She's got
a point there.

Don't argue with me,
Doctor.

I'd hate to have my
friends eat something

that disagreed with me.

(SCREAMS)

Oh, no!

(LAUGHS EVILLY)

(SCREAMS)

Get them!
Get them!

Get them!

(SCREAMING)

(SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY)

(EXPLOSION)

(COUGHS)

God! What happened?

She should have
known better.

What, than raise the dead?

Than to use fire
around formaldehyde.

Embalming fluid.

Extremely flammable,
you know.

Now I do.

Come on,
let's get out of here.

Yes.

Just in time, lan, your
breakfast's going cold.

Oh, I haven't got time
to eat breakfast, Mum.

I've got to
get to the university.

What's the rush?

Breakfast is the most
important meal of the day.

It fortifies you
for your labors.

It seems my labors
are about to increase.

The Head of the Mythology
Department has deserted her post.

Someone has to
fill the void.

You snake!

So how many bodies do you have
to step on to get to the top?

Plenty, believe me.

Where's Randi?

Oh, she and Mr. Slime
went sightseeing.

Ah!

Well, ask her to
pop by the university

if she can find
a spare moment.

(GIGGLING)

What?
I think it's me.

Yeah. It'll go
over big in LA.

Why don't you come back
with me? See for yourself.

Hey, what is it?

Randi, every time I mention
Los Angeles, the lights go dim.

Look, we're having a great
time. Why ruin it, huh?

Because I want you
to come back with me.

I can't.

Is it him?

It's more than that.

Okay, fine. No problem.
I'll stay.

You'd give up the Porsche, the Malibu Beach
house, and the triple platinum gold card?

(CLEARS THROAT) Oh...

(CHUCKLES)
I didn't think so.

Randi!

A Historical Deconstruction
of the Gilgamesh Myth,

by Dr. Lan Matheson.

The Curse of Gilgamesh,

by Dr. Lan Matheson.

Flesh-Eating Maniacs
of Armageddon,

by Dr. Lan Matheson.

Yes.

STEVENS: That has
a nice ring to it.

Doesn't it, though?

Randi, tell me...

You shouldn't start writing
your book just yet, Dr. Matheson.

It needs an ending.

Oh, it has one.

A happy ending.

Welcome to the
next world, Doctor.

My world.

Randi, if it's the accent,
I'll talk funny.

If it's the food, I'll
have it flown in every week.

Just please,
come back with me.

I can't leave. Period.

You mean you don't
want to leave?

You mean,
you don't want me.

Look, can we just
talk about this later?

Sorry.

Help me!

(GASPING) Please!

Oh, my God.

Lan! Lan! Oh, my God!

Lan, no!

Lan!

No, no, please no!

Do something!
Call somebody!

No!

No, please!

No, lan, don't...

(SOBS)

I think you should
listen to him.

No.

There's really no
reason for you to stay.

I'm not leaving.

You came here
to study with lan and...

And lan's gone.

Staying here will only
remind you of that.

Go home.
Where you belong.

Where you can forget.

I don't want to forget.

And I'm not leaving.

Well, I think I'll go help
the ladies with the tea.

Charlie says there's a flight
to Los Angeles this afternoon.

You could make it.

In 10 hours, you'll be
back with your family again.

If you want me out then I'll go.
I'll find somewhere else to live.

But I am not leaving.

I'm not going.
Not now, not ever.

So let's just
drop it, okay?

There's a full moon coming.
Doesn't anybody realize that?

Okay, Randi,
you've made your point.

The discussion is over. We
won't talk about it anymore.

Agreed?

CHARLIE: Here you go.

Thanks.

(CLOCK TICKING)

What the...

It's for the best,
isn't it?

She was getting hysterical.

She'll thank us for this.
I know she will.

CHARLIE: Rest easy.

We're doing the right thing.

By this time tomorrow, she'll be on a
beach in Malibu in my tender loving care.

Uh, her legs?

She loved lan, you know.

Trust me.
This is the right thing.

Why the devil was she so
concerned about the full moon?