Original subtitles

(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)

Turn off that infernal noise.

(MUSIC STOPS) Scientific research.

It's making me sick.

Really? How sick? Can you tell me exactly when it happened?

I wanted to vomit the moment you came in.

Dad!

Very interesting.

Does the phrase, "Drink Satan puke," mean anything to you at all?

Yes, it means the belt for you, you impudent little...

It's a new project he's working on for school.

Are you encouraging this?

It's my science project.

I'm listening to all my music backwards.

(GRUNTS)

Isn't it bad enough played forwards?

I wanna hear the secret messages.

You know, like, "Drink Satan puke."

"Kill, rape, mutilate."

It's called backward masking.

I mean, some people actually believe that this music

is exerting a psychological subliminal influence on people.

Mmm. Warping our minds.

I could have told you that.

It began with The Beatles.

I could have told you that, too.

(DOORBELL RINGING)

I'll get it.

(BANGING ON DOOR)

MR. MATHESON: Now who could that be?

All right, all right, I'm coming, I'm coming!

You gotta help me! You gotta help me!

Is this your ad? Well, yes.

Then you must help me. You must help me!

Good God, man, get a grip on yourself!

How about a nice, soothing cup of tea?

Look at me!

What do you see?

A lunatic.

What do you see?

A senior citizen.

With no fashion sense.

That's my problem.

Surely, you could find a friend to shop with you.

You don't understand.

I'm Ernest Wallengren,

and I'm only 27-years-old.

(GROANING)

(SIRENS WAILING)

(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)

Is there someone you'd like us to contact for you?

I called an escort.

She came to me so beautiful.

We were making love...

Friends, family, anybody.

I saw my face, I was old. I'm old.

I screamed. The knocking on the door...

Where do you live? Just give me a street.

She was gone out of the window. I was old.

Help me. Help me!

Don't worry. You're in good hands now.

The doctors here are first-rate.

Weird, isn't it?

Not particularly.

I find it rather sad, actually.

Poor disturbed, old man, all alone in the world,

seeks out a warm face in the classified ads.

But he said he was 27-years-old.

Aren't you the least bit curious?

I'm sure he was 27-years-old.

Ninety years ago.

Excuse me, is that man your friend?

Well, I guess he is now.

Well, he's obviously had a coronary seizure.

But we won't know how serious it is until we've run some tests.

Do you have any idea how we can contact his family?

None at all.

Oh!

I'm sorry to hear that. We really must find a relative.

Unfortunately, his personal possessions gave us no help at all.

All he had was a hotel key and a stolen wallet.

How do you know it was stolen?

DOCTOR: Doesn't look like him.

RANDl: " Ernest Wallengren."

That's the same name he gave us.

You don't think...

No, I don't.

You don't, either.

Do you?

No, but...

I wonder.

You wonder?

Wonderful.

Your investigation is a waste of our time.

We're not investigating anything.

We are simply...

Returning a room key to its rightful owner.

Which we could have done far more easily

by simply dropping it in the nearest letterbox.

And the wallet?

Shouldn't we have just dropped that in the nearest letterbox as well?

You're not fooling anyone.

You're just dying to find out whether that old coot is actually a young coot.

This is an errand of mercy, that's all.

You didn't have to come along. You could have stayed home, you know.

Oh, and miss the look on your face when you met the real Ernest Wallengren?

Hardly.

(CLEARS THROAT)

Can I help you?

We have a room key for number 219.

And we wanted to know if...

If we have any messages.

Certainly.

Sorry, Mrs. Wallengren.

Mmm.

Thank you.

But... Wait a minute. Hmm?

Where do you think you're going?

To our room, darling.

Are you coming?

You've done all right for yourself with that one.

But what makes you think she is Mrs. Wallengren.

They're all Mrs. Wallengren to me, sir.

Naturally. But you and I have never met.

How did you know that I was Ernest Wallengren?

We do know about Room 219, sir.

(CLEARS THROAT) Are you coming, or shall I start without you?

Hold on, dear.

Thanks. Got to run.

Funny how he thought we were married.

Funnier than you know.

Never really thought about it,

but I suppose I shouldn't be surprised.

After all, we've gone through a lot more together than most married couples.

There's no disputing that but...

Then again, we're closer than most married couples.

I mean, after all, how many wives let their husbands

chain them up every month?

Not a lot, but, Randi...

I guess it's because we have such a strong connection

that we send out a vibe to the whole world, you know, that says,

"These two belong together."

People pick up on that vibe, you know,

and they realize how special it is.

It's kind of sweet.

Well, don't you think so?

Randi...

(SIGHS)

He thought you were a hooker.

I knew that.

Randi, don't...

Randi, don't go in there, you don't...

(WOMAN MO ANING ON TV)

MAN ON TV: Hey baby, you try this.

My, Ernest, what big teeth you have.

Randi, come out of there. You don't know what kind of man...

(WOMEN CHATTERING ON TV)

(WHIP CRACKING ON TV)

(WOMEN MO ANING ON TV)

MAN: What great hair you've got.

I knew there was more to English television than Masterpiece Theatre.

WOMAN: You mean like this?

MAN: Yeah, baby...

(RANDI CHUCKLES)

Randi, this is called breaking and entering.

Not with a key.

It's only an entering.

We can't get much more than two years for that.

Oh, joy!

Ah-ha!

Now, in a normal hotel, this would be a Bible.

You know, in this hotel room, that probably is the Bible.

Let's see.

"Escort service."

Uh-oh.

Notice things?

Too many.

He's got five of them circled.

He's got stars and exclamation points by their phone numbers.

I wonder what these little smiley faces mean.

Oh, look, now we know what kind of man Ernest Wallengren is.

Can we please leave?

Look, we know he's a smut hound.

And the question is, is he a 30-year-old smut hound

or is he a 90-year-old smut hound?

No, the question is what business is it of ours?

But...

Wait, wait, wait.

Ah-ha!

"Ah-ha" again. Now what?

A pornographic gelatin mold?

Nope.

Ernest's wig collection? Nope.

A life-size inflatable party girl?

Proof.

Remember what he was wearing?

I think, perhaps, we should pay a visit

to that old gentleman in the hospital.

Yes.

(HEART MONITOR BEEPING)

Hi, Ernest.

Long time.

You! Me.

I came to finish what we started.

It wasn't very nice of you to leave a poor girl hanging like that.

Get away from me.

You don't want me to do that.

Get out.

Of course.

If that's what you really want,

there's nothing I can do about it.

I can't do anything to you.

If you don't want me to.

(BREATHING HEAVILY)

So all you have to do

is not want me.

Maybe you're right.

You're not really up to this.

Maybe I should go.

Unless of course...

(HEART MONITOR BEEPING RAPIDLY)

You want me.

(ERNEST WHIMPERING)

(SIZZLING)

(HEART MONITOR STOPS BEEPING)

(SIZZLING)

The first thing we have to find out is which girl he was with

when he turned into an old man.

No, the first thing we have to find out is

if he's just nothing but a crazy old coot

who found a room key and used it to steal a wallet and some clothes.

You're still not convinced?

You mean you are?

Don't you find it a bit odd that someone would break into a hotel room

and steal two pieces of different suits?

I find it odd that anyone would buy those two suits to begin with.

Ah, Dr. Matheson, Miss Wallace.

Come to see our mystery guest?

If he's up to it.

Oh, yes, he's shown remarkable improvement.

Well, physically at least.

But still insisting he's 27-years-old?

Insisting is an understatement.

Please, if you can find out anything about him...

Well, that's what we're here for.

Excuse me.

IAN: Whew!

(CLEARS THROAT)

Mr. Wallengren?

You have some friends to see you.

Whoever you are.

Hi, Ernest. It's Randi and lan.

We've come to help you.

Ernest, there's no sense in playing games.

The doctor told us that you've made remarkable...

Improvement.

I've got it!

I've got it, I've got it.

This time I'm sure.

Not another brain-eating spirit rat, I hope.

Okay, so my last guess was a little off.

And what about the marrow-sucking algae nymph?

I know, I know. But this time I'm certain.

Ernest Wallengren was killed by a succubus.

(CLEARS THROAT)

"A sexually ravenous creature,

"who uses her awesome erotic powers

"and radiant eyes

"to seduce her prey."

You're right.

There's no question about it.

This vile beast must be stopped at all costs.

And I'm just the man to do it.

Starting with dinner at the Chelsea, maybe a show.

I wouldn't rush into anything.

You're forgetting I'm armed with a master's degree,

years of intense research and a superior intellect.

Not to mention natural charm.

(SIGHS)

Keep reading.

"The succubus sucks the life out of her helpless victims

"during the act of lovemaking."

That doesn't sound so bad to me.

"Thereby ensuring her immortality,

"along with the gruesome demise of her victims."

Hmm. Well, she can forget about dinner.

What a wretched creature!

Not nearly as wretched as her victims.

You're really convinced our man Wallengren is the victim of a succubus?

Part of me isn't.

But that is the part of me that isn't quite certain

that I was actually bitten by a werewolf.

Just because we don't understand what killed him,

that doesn't make it supernatural.

Perhaps there is a rational explanation for this.

Like what?

Well...

Look, if we can understand these creatures,

we can stop them.

Then maybe we'll be one step closer to solving my problem.

All right.

Let's assume we're dealing with a succubus.

It can't hurt.

It says here, there's only one way to kill a succubus.

You have to catch her in the act

and perform the ancient ritual.

And what's that?

First, you will have to sprinkle her with magic herbs.

Me?

Then, you will have to recite the sacred chant.

Me?

And then you will have to do the ancient Riticaylie dance of death.

(CHANTING GIBBERISH)

(LAUGHING)

Me?

(WHISTLING)

RANDl: Why me?

Because one of us has to be the bait.

And frankly, I can't imagine a succubus being attracted to you.

Yes. Yes, 10:00 will be fine.

Room 219.

Blonde or brunette?

Doesn't matter to me.

Just as long as she knows where the action is.

Bye-bye.

Well, that's the last one.

Four escorts from four different services.

And the first one will be arriving any moment now.

Lan.

What?

"Where the action is?"

These are escorts, guides, companions.

You're supposed to go places together.

Just don't go too far.

Randi, this is work.

Hard, demanding, demeaning work.

Well, that explains my part.

All you have to do is jump out of the closet, at the right moment,

and vanquish the monstrosity.

I'm the one taking all the risks.

Yeah, you look petrified.

I stand up well to adversity.

That's what I'm afraid of.

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

(WHISPERING) Wish me luck.

(BANGS ON DOOR)

Hi, I'm Mindy.

Of course.

Come in.

This is so thrilling.

Already?

Meeting new people, going to fascinating places,

and doing exciting things.

I'm so glad you enjoy your work.

I'm really a people person.

Getting To Know You is my favorite song of all time.

Mine, too.

So, what do you want to do?

Well, you can start by showing me around.

Any place in particular?

A guided tour.

All the, uh...

Popular sights.

(ZIPPER OPENS)

(GASPS)

(GRUNTS)

Um...

(CHANTING GIBBERISH)

Who's this, your wife?

(GROANS)

Ooh!

I've seen kinky couples before but you two, you're disgusting!

You don't...

(GROANS)

IAN: Oh! Oh.

(GROANING)

(CHUCKLING)

I don't know what kind of girl you think I am!

I told you I had the hard part.

You didn't get half of what you deserved.

Oh!

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

Uh-oh.

Now, try to be more professional this time.

I'll come out swinging.

(KNOCKING CONTINUES)

The meter's running, Romeo.

Yes.

Right. Come in.

Something the matter with you?

War wound.

ESCORT: I get a lot of that.

So keep your medals in your pocket,

I don't give veteran discounts,

and I don't take traveler's checks.

A rate card?

You don't order food without looking at the menu first, do you?

How delightful.

Well, let's dispense with these details.

Wait, wait, wait. Wait a minute.

Don't you find yourself overcome with a mad desire to kiss me?

Not unless you have a mad desire to pay me.

Well, actually, I haven't really...

Cheapskate.

Ooh, you do have a way with women.

(CHUCKLES)

Maybe I was wrong.

Perhaps it is the marrow-sucking algae nymph we're looking for.

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

I am not getting back in that closet.

Think of science.

I am suffocating in there.

Think of humanity.

My legs are asleep.

Think of the fun you are having.

Fun?

Fun.

(SIGHS)

Come in.

We're going to have a marvelous evening together.

I'm lan.

I'm Robin.

I want you.

IAN: Me, too.

(GRUNTS)

(BREATHING HEAVILY)

I want you now.

(IAN GASPING)

(RANDI GRUNTS)

(ROBIN SCREAMS)

(CHANTING GIBBERISH)

Go, go, go...

(ROBIN SCREAMING)

(ROBIN GRUNTING)

(SCREAMING)

I think we got her.

Yeah.

Well, aren't you going to congratulate me?

IAN: I don't feel so good.

Oh, God.

Lan.

It's no use.

You'll never get out.

You foolish mortal!

What makes you think mere iron bars

can hold a superior, unearthly being like me?

Oh, just a hunch.

My sisters will come. They won't let you hold me.

Let them come.

Hell, they can bring their cousins for all I care.

You're not going anywhere.

Let me out!

Okay.

Is this a trick?

No, it's a trade.

A trade?

I want you to give my friend his youth back.

(CHUCKLES)

His youth for your freedom. What's so funny about that?

What did you have for lunch today?

Steak and kidney pie. What does that have to do with anything?

If a cow came up to you

and asked for her organs back,

wouldn't you laugh?

You can rot down here.

(SNORING)

Well, she was no help.

But she did say something about sisters.

So I think there's more where she came from.

And if there are, then maybe...

What?

You look just like somebody I used to know

when I was young.

Funny. Seems like it was just yesterday.

It was yesterday. Lan. Please, try to remember.

Oh, yes. The succubus.

Ooh, what a kiss!

I can remember that. Have you seen my glasses?

You don't wear glasses.

You are a young man.

Young, strong, vital, handsome.

Nice words.

If I was 30 years younger, I'd take those as an invitation.

You are 30 years younger.

Now, listen, there may be a way out of this.

The way I see it is that if we can...

lan! (EXCLAIMS)

Where's the fire?

Ooh. You're a pretty little thing.

You're not my daughter, are you?

(KNOCKING ON DOOR) ELSA: Yoo-hoo.

Knock-knock.

Aunt Elsa!

Oh, I heard noises. I didn't know you had company.

And such handsome company, too.

Yes. This is Professor Magloo.

Yes, he's a colleague of lan's and he'll be staying here for a few nights,

while the two of them work closely on a few projects.

Very closely.

He can stay here for the rest of his life, as far as I'm concerned.

How do you do, Professor Magloo?

Who? That's you.

Magloo. Oh... Oh.

By the way, have you met my daughter?

He's had a rough night.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Well, perhaps tomorrow we could have a little...

Yes. Yes, we could.

Good night.

ELSA: Good night.

(SNORING)

(SNORTS)

Oh, Randi.

Yes? Yes, I'm here.

Randi.

I just had the most... Most terrible dream.

Oh.

I dreamt I was old.

It's okay.

Go to sleep. I'm right here.

Looks like I'm not the only one with a curse.

RANDl: I can't find this book.

I've collected thousands of books on mythology.

Each one is a gold mine of witchcraft, folklore, potions and spells.

Why, the cure for old age is as easy as baking a cake.

Every little detail is right there in that book.

Well, it would help if you could remember which one.

It's a big, fat black book.

Or maybe it's a little, thin brown one.

(SIGHS)

I'm certain it was bound.

I'll be 70 by the time we find it.

(KNOCKING ON DOOR) Well, I'm fairly certain.

ELSA: Professor?

Would anybody like a cupcake?

Aunt Elsa, what are you doing here?

Oh, just bringing a batch of my fresh, piping hot cupcakes,

like I do every Wednesday.

It's Thursday.

And Thursday.

Wouldn't do for Professor Magloo to leave town

without sampling my cupcakes.

My favorites.

They are? Ooh!

I'm sneaking a batch into the opera tonight in my handbag,

if you'd care to join us?

Oh, I'd love to.

Work, work, work, work, work, work.

Yes, he just can't get enough of this scholarly research.

And he'll be exhausted by the time he gets home.

Oh... In fact,

he won't be home until late. Very, very late.

Randi, I... Thank you. No, no.

Thank you. Bye. We'll see you.

It was definitely a tiny, green book.

No, red.

That's it, no question about it, red.

(CLEARS THROAT)

It's hopeless.

Or maybe it was blue.

You know, I never realized what an attractive woman my aunt is.

(EXCLAIMS)

I don't recall putting a" Help Wanted" sign in the window.

Then again, you aren't here for that, are you?

No.

You don't look like a spurned lover,

or a cast-aside wife, either.

That would require repeat business,

which you obviously don't have.

You the head lady around here?

I'm Isadora, the " head lady." What do you want?

50 years, give or take a few.

The years one of your girls sucked out of my friend. I want them back.

You're very bold.

What is this, not even a little protest?

You're not going to tell me I'm crazy?

You're not gonna say you're running some kind of innocent escort service?

That's not my style.

Ordinarily, I'd slit your throat

and toss your corpse into the river.

So what's stopping you?

I have walked this continent

for 300 years.

The human beings who've confronted me have all cowered in fear,

muttering inane chants and useless prayers to their deaths.

But you, you face me with only rage, not a hint of terror.

That makes you either extraordinarily courageous

or as inhuman as me.

How would you like your tea, one lump or two?

Two.

You drink tea?

One of my enduring passions.

Right up there with sucking the life out of businessmen, huh?

A woman's got to live. Besides, hardly anyone ever misses them.

Most of them are single, Ionely.

And we give them the greatest night of their lives.

And their last.

Unless, of course, they're interrupted,

in which case you just leave them very old.

Like your friend, perhaps?

Robin didn't return last night.

But I suspect you already know this.

You want her back, give my friend his youth.

And what if we concede to your demands?

Am I to trust that you will forgive and forget?

Let's just say,

I know what it is to be cursed.

Cure my friend, and I'll set Robin free.

9:00 tonight, bring him here.

You are a unique woman. We must get to know each other better.

After all this unpleasantness is over, of course.

I have so few friends.

(CHUCKLES)

(SNORING)

(DISTORTED MUSIC PLAYING)

Satan is...

(SIGHING) What? Satan is what?

(DISTORTED MUSIC PLAYING)

Satan is late. Yes!

No. Come on... Give me it.

Satan is...

Come to me.

(GRUNTS)

Hmm?

(SIGHS)

It's been so long since I had a virgin.

(CHANTING GIBBERISH)

(SCREAMS)

(GROANS)

(SCREAMING)

(GROANING)

(SCREAMING)

(GROANING)

(SCREAMING)

(GROANING)

RANDl: Professor?

I have great news!

I just struck a deal with the top succubus.

They'll give you your youth if we give them their sister.

You'll be your foxy little self again before your parents get back from the opera.

I'm afraid there's one small problem with your plan.

Oh, don't worry, Aunt Elsa'll get over it.

But will she?

RANDl: Oh, God.

Oh, God.

Did it work? Am I young?

Not yet.

I don't know how much time I have left.

Soon, I promise. Just hang on.

I called the succubi, and I told them that you were too ill to move.

Well, at least you didn't have to lie to them.

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

Hello. Good evening.

What a delightful bed and breakfast you have here.

Here's our card, in case your guests ever get Ionely.

I don't think so. Right this way.

Oh, please allow me to introduce myself.

Cork it, Pops. Uh, follow me, ladies, right this way.

RANDl: Watch your step.

I haven't seen medieval decor like this since... Since the Middle Ages.

You do have secrets.

It reeks in here.

She's probably decomposing.

She? Uh, she's barely holding up.

Rot, seepage, moisture. Age does take its toll, you know.

Tell me about it.

(CLEARS THROAT) Shall we?

She's in there.

ISADORA: Robin?

Uh...

After.

(CHUCKLING)

(PANTING)

(IAN MOANS)

(ALL MOANING)

(BOTH MOANING AND GRUNTING)

Hey.

Oh...

(RANDI GRUNTS) What's going on in here?

RANDl: Come on, come on, come on.

Lan, lan, lan?

Lan.

Yes! Let's get out of here.

Oh, ladies, ladies, ladies.

(METALLIC CLANGING)

(MOANS)

More. More!

(EXCLAIMING)

More, more!

Hurry up!

(BOTH PANTING)

IAN: Yes, yes, yes, yes.

RANDl: Jesus! Come on!

(IAN GRUNTS)

Men. That's all they can think about.

You go in there.

(GRUNTING) Go!

Where am I?

Shh!

What's going on? Shut up!

Am I young again?

Not for long.

(BOTH SHRIEKING)

(BOTH SCREAMING)

Stay put. (IAN GRUNTS)

(BOTH SCREAMING)

(ISADORA SCREAMING)

My eyes, my eyes.

No!

(SCREAMS)

Leave her! She's mine!

(ISADORA SHRIEKS)

(SCREAMING)

Get back, back! Back! Get back, you!

Back, back!

(BOTH SCREAMING)

(BOTH GROANING)

(IAN COUGHING)

(RANDI EXCLAIMS)

RANDl: Ew!

I guess there's more than one way to kill a succubus.

A remarkable and timely discovery.

But there... There must be easier ways

to become teacher's pet.

(CHUCKLES)

Yeah.

There you are. We all woke up and you were gone.

I couldn't sleep.

There's been one small detail that's been nagging me all night.

Where have you been?

Oh, I've been helping Julian with his paper.

After his " dream" last night,

he's convinced that subliminal messages are corrupting our minds.

(SIGHS)

Ah-ha!

Got it!

The Complete Book of the Succubi.

I don't think you'll be needing that again.

Oh, not as long as you're around.

So, was it all you dreamt it would be?

What?

Growing old with me.

Well, let's just say that I'd consider doing it again,

if we could take our time about it.

All the time in the world.

What's wrong?

(CLEARS THROAT) Nothing.

Look, um...

I just don't think I'm quite ready for this.

Yet.

(WHISPERING) And may not be for another 50 years.