All language subtitles for She Wolf of London (1990) - S01E15 - Curiosity Killed the Cravitz.eng

MAN: Jarred, time to
practice your piano!

JARRED: Okay, I'm coming!

(DOG BARKING)

WOMAN: John, don't get dirty.
We're leaving in about two minutes.

Good morning!
Good morning, Mrs. Cravitz.

GIRL:17, 18, 19...

Don't stop!

MAN: We'll just meet you
down there.

You're almost there!

...28, 29...

(CHILDREN LAUGHING)

BOY: Mommy,
can I go out and play?

Oh, hi, Mark.

Can I borrow a cup of sugar?

I know, I know. I'm eating like a
pig, and I should control myself.

But this divorce has
totally stressed me out.

My sweet tooth is raging.

Sugar?

Have a heart.

Here you go, dear.

And all we ask in return
is just a piece

of your incredible
triple chocolate layer cake.

Deal. Thanks heaps, guys.
You're dream neighbors. Bye.

Six, seven, eight, nine.

Honey, you're behaving
like a zombie.

(FLY BUZZING)

Hungry, I guess.

Well, have something to eat.

Hmm.

GIRL: Twenty-three...

I wanted brown sugar.

Go ahead!

Oh, my...

(SIGHS)

What a glorious day.

It's easy for you to say. You weren't
up all night baying at the moon.

Well,
look on the bright side.

You've got four weeks
freedom from your curse.

We could start with lunch in Hyde Park
and then a long walk through the West End.

What about your classes?

Remain in a stuffy classroom on a
day like today? You must be joking.

Besides, mythology has no
relevance in the modern world.

What? I'm a werewolf.

How can you say that
mythology is irrelevant?

Actually, I didn't.
The university did.

They've announced the gradual
" phasing out" of my department.

So that's it.

So that's what?

This sudden urge to be
footloose and fancy-free.

It's fear.
It's spontaneity.

Come on. Aren't you just
a little bit worried?

Why should I be?
I'm a professor of mythology.

There will always
be a job for me.

Yeah, right.

(HUMMING)

(SIGHS)

Grave digger!

Burger chef!

Sexual surrogate!

RANDl: Now, there's an idea.

I'm over-qualified.

Let me see that.

Besides, I still have a job.

The university is phasing
out the department,

it could take months,
maybe years.

You could become a
full-time author instead.

Oh, great, another relative
sponging off my pension.

That's all I need.

(PHONE RINGING)

I'll get it.

Hello? Matheson house.

ELLEN: Thank God! Space
aliens have invaded my block!

Randi, it's for you.

Hello, this is Randi.

Randi, it's me, Ellen Cravitz!

Ellen! How are you?

I was right.

It's so good to hear your voice after
writing so many letters. What's up?

Look, no one believes me!
No one will listen!

What has that jerk Fred done now?
Not another bad alimony check?

I'm living next door
to space aliens!

The Bradys are from
another planet!

Ellen, you think people who drive
a Volvo are from another planet.

I told you not to
move to suburbia.

I'm serious.
The Bradys are lizards!

Today, Northridge,
tomorrow, the world!

This is their beachhead! I have
pictures. I have recordings.

(LOUD CRASH)
They're... No!

No! No! No!

(ELLEN SCREAMING)

Ellen?

(GROWLING)

No! No! No! No! No!

Ellen?

Ellen, what's the...

Trouble?

That was my friend
Ellen from college.

She said that space aliens
are invading Los Angeles.

Who'd know the difference?

Socks, socks, socks.
Oh! No clean socks.

Well, don't try and stop me.

I'm going to California,
and that's final.

Randi...

I have a non-refundable
plane ticket,

Ellen's sister says that I can stay
at Ellen's place, so it's all set.

I don't think you
understand what...

Ellen is my friend, so that makes it my
responsibility to find out what happened.

No one's denying that.
In fact...

There won't be another
full moon for a month.

So that'll give me plenty
of time to get back,

and if not,
I'll make other arrangements.

Randi, you won't have to
make other arrangements.

I do have to. So stop
trying to talk me out of it.

I have no intention of trying
to stop you from going.

You don't?

I don't.

Oh.

It doesn't bother you
at all to see me go?

Not at all.

Hmm.

Because I'm going with you.

Well, I didn't know you had
such strong feelings about me

that you can't
bear to see me go.

I just can't bear
the thought of my script

gathering dust on a shelf
at Monumental Pictures.

I'm simply going to rescue it.

Oh.

Oh, well, I won't be
seeing much of you anyway,

because I'll be
so busy networking.

Oh...

(SIGHS)

Oh, come on, Randi.
I'll work you in.

(CAR HONKING)

We'll miss you, son.
And you, too, dear.

We won't be gone forever.

We'll be back
in a couple of weeks.

If you survive
the earthquakes.

What's wrong with
holidaying in England?

At least our ground
stays in one place.

And so have I for too long.

It's time to see a
little bit of the world.

Hollywood. Malibu.
The Universal Studios tour.

The beaches. The babes. The bikinis.

Muscle Beach.

Don't forget my autographed
picture of Adrian Zmed.

(CAR HONKING) I won't.
Oh! There's the cab, bye!

Bye, Julian!
Bye!

Mum. Aunt Elsa.

Goodbye, Son.

Dad.

(CRYING)

There, there, dear.
It's all right.

I've got this strange feeling
they're not coming back.

Of course they are.

And if they don't, we've got
two more rooms to rent out.

(SOBBING)

RANDl: You know, you're
taking the dismantling

of the mythology department
pretty casually.

IAN: Look,
our experiences together

have proved that everything
I was teaching is wrong.

It isn't mythology,
it's fact.

I'm not sure I can go on
teaching knowing the truth.

Well, then what are you
gonna do?

Oh, I don't know. Perhaps I'll
join the ranks of the idle rich.

Then we'd better
look the part.

Not a bad spot. Maybe I'll rent a little
beach house when my movie deal hits.

Your movie deal. Come on, we both
know this movie deal is a crock.

Why don't you just
admit why you're here?

I have meetings to take,
lunches to do, people to meet.

People to meet?

Sure. Why do you think
I rented this at the airport?

Unbelievable. Wouldn't it be easier
just to say you're here to be with me?

Hello? Monumental Pictures? Skip
Seville, please. Lan Matheson here.

He's the executive in
charge of my picture.

Did anyone ever tell you,
you have Garbo's eyes?

Oh, come on! You can't
fool me for a second.

You expect me to believe you've turned into
a Hollywood phony after just 20 minutes?

I adjust quickly.

(LAUGHING) Skip has been
replaced? How unfortunate.

Well, may I speak
to his replacement, please?

They sold the studio.
Skip's gone.

I guess he couldn't adjust.

Yes, I'll hold. You never
know when change will strike.

You have to be
ready to roll with it.

You mean like finding out you've been
cursed to turn into a werewolf once a month?

I mean, like battling supernatural
creatures you never believed existed

to find a cure for a curse
you never believed was real.

You adjusted pretty quickly.

See?

Hello? Mr. Okugawa?
Lan Matheson here.

(SIGHS)

How could Mr. Okugawa
not know who I am?

He must have been
living in a cave.

Or he's an alien
from another planet.

Could you try to
be serious about this?

Ellen's neighbors, the
Bradys, could be alien beings.

Now we both know the
unbelievable can be true.

If I didn't know that
before, I certainly do now.

Do people really live here?

Yes, we do.

Remember,
we're married.

Got it.

You're the old ball and chain.

So, this is suburbia.

MARK: Heavenly, isn't it?

It's like another world, but then
you'd know that better than me.

You must be the new neighbors.
I'm Mark Brady.

He's Mark Brady.

I'm lan Matheson and
this is my wife, Edna.

Edna?

You can call her " Poopsie."

Well, where's your stuff?

In transit.
Might not be here for days.

Weeks.
Months.

So, which floor plan is this?

Excuse me?

Well, is it plan 23A, the rustic
three-bedroom standard, or is it plan 27D,

the three-bedroom
Mediterranean?

Well, I...

You don't mind if I
just take a peak do you?

I just love a good floor plan.
Excuse me.

Isn't she adorable?

Interesting decor.

Oh!

I thought you were the plumber. These
pesky roots are clogging up all our pipes.

I am sorry for intruding like
this. I'm your new neighbor.

IAN: Edna.

And I'm her hubby,
lan Matheson.

What a lovely home
you have.

So, which floor plan is it,
Poopsie?

Well, it's a 27D,
of course.

The one with the
sunken living room.

Thank heavens. That's a load off my
mind. I shall sleep easier tonight.

Pleasure meeting you.

(CLEARS THROAT) Edna?

We are undercover.

Otherwise, we would have barged
into their home and searched it.

Instead of using
the subtle approach.

Those people are not normal.

My thought exactly.

It is?

A normal person would have
hit you with the wrench.

All these years my mother's
been telling me to get married.

Now I know what
I've been missing.

I've got my slippers, I've got my
paper, and my dinner is on the way.

Mmm.

Macaroni and cheese,
straight from the box.

One of my all-time,
all-American favorites.

Is this really necessary?

We have to
maintain appearances.

I mean, what if the Bradys start
peering through our window, Poopsie?

Look, don't call me Poopsie.

And don't even think
of calling me Enid again.

It's Edna. If we're going to catch these
aliens, we have to keep our stories straight.

You're laughing now.

Yes, I am.

But explain to me why
I couldn't find any pictures

or recordings of these aliens
anywhere in this house.

Perhaps it's because
they're not in the house.

Exactly.

Perhaps it's because they don't exist at
all, except in your friend's imagination.

They killed Ellen.

(MICROWAVE BEEPING)

If she believed that the Bradys
are space aliens, then they are.

And I'm gonna prove it.

(SIGHS)

Ah! Married life.

(FIRE ALARM BUZZING)

IAN: That sound can
mean only one thing.

(SIGHS)
Breakfast must be ready.

(ALARM STOPS)

It's unbelievable. They don't
care who sees what they're doing.

Skinny-dipping?

They're putting a satellite dish
right there in their backyard.

They're shameless.

So I like my pancakes crispy.

The way they were
meant to be.

Any juice?

Fridge.

They're obviously establishing
contact with their mother ship.

Perhaps they just want
better television reception.

Pulpy. Fresh squeezed.

I like to chew my juice.

Makes a beverage into a meal.

Well, you're a bit dapper for
a house husband, aren't you?

Skip landed on his feet.

Not an easy trick for a snake.

He called while you were
browning the pancakes.

He runs a network now.

Are you really gonna go
through with this charade?

Well, he says he has a place
for me on prime time.

Doing what?

He didn't say.

My guess is I'll be exploring
the world of mythology.

Or starring in a sitcom
with a wise-cracking alien.

Perhaps we can cast
one of the neighbors.

I'll look into it.

Good. Keys, keys, keys.

Cheerio, Poopsie.
Bye.

Have a good day.

WOMAN 1: Take that load, too.

WOMAN 2: Do you need the rake?
MAN 1: Good, spread it around.

MAN 2: Yeah.

WOMAN 2: I'll bring it out.

Now what do you think?

I think you better get
out the plunger and pray.

These roots are clogging
the whole neighborhood.

Bye, Poopsie.

So this is your international
television empire.

Channel 89 is the hottest new
independent in the LA market.

Sort of a bare-bones
operation.

(LAUGHS) Exactly.

Low overhead, high visibility.

In its first week,
Count Phil's Creature Theater

nearly matched the share of
Channel 74's Bass Fishin' with Bo.

Yeah,
there's only one problem.

You can't count
on fickle viewers?

No, I can't count
on the Count.

Phil's a little flaky.

Last week, he spent the entire program
with his hand in Vampirina's cleavage.

Yeah,
we're looking for someone

to step into his fangs.

Count lan?

Play your cards right, kid,
I'll make you a king.

A crowning career opportunity.

Yeah, so what do you say?

There's a cape waiting out
there with your name on it.

As flattering as it is, I must
decline. I'm just visiting.

I see. You didn't come to la-la
land just to take my studio tour.

I'm keeping an
eye on a friend.

Oh, I see. And your hands,
and your lips and your...

(LAUGHS) We're just friends. Actually,
we're a bit more than friends.

Close, intimate friends.

Close intimate friends
scorch sheets, pal.

I kid. But seriously, wouldn't
you like your own TV series?

Well, if I did, it would be a forum for
the discussion of mythological issues.

A talk show.

Yes, where I'd interview
innovators of the field. Scholars.

Devil worshipers.
Researchers.

Hermaphrodites. Academics
of the highest order.

Women with big hooters.

Good to see we're on
the same wavelength.

I love it! I'm getting hot flashes
here. This has got everything.

It's got hype,
horror and hooters.

Essential ingredients for
socially-responsible television.

Now, all we need is a name.

The lan Matheson Show
has a nice ring to it.

No, no, no, something hip. Something
flashy. Oprah. Geraldo. Lan.

Lan just doesn't work. Have you
ever thought of changing your name?

No.
All right. Try Stryker.

Walk with it, roll with
it, see how it plays.

Maybe take it to dinner
and ask it to dance?

Yeah. Have your
girl call my girl.

We'll do breakfast.

Breakfast is for losers.

We'll take a pre-dawn surf
meeting. Bring your board.

Cowabunga.

(CLATTERS)

(MEOWS)

Oh, my...

Ellen was right.

(RUMBLING)

(SCREAMING)

(SCREAMING)

Randi?

I'm home.

I'm in here, honey.

That's a new look for you.

I found this new recipe
for meatloaf supreme.

The secret is in a can
of cream of mushroom soup.

Imagine that.

I can't wait to try it.

Now you, sit down
while I bring you a drink.

(EXHALES)

How was your day?

Oh, I rooted around the
closet for a few hours.

How was yours?

Top-notch.

(SIGHS)

I've been here
one day already

and had my first offer
of stardom.

(BUZZING)

You know...

I think I could get to
like living in California.

Cheers.

(MAN SCREAMING)

WOMAN: Please.

Please.

Waiting for communications
from your home planet?

(CHUCKLES) Waiting for Who's the
Boss? That Italian guy is a riot.

That satellite dish is for
interstellar communications, isn't it?

Do you have any idea how bad
television reception is down here?

Now we get 650 stations.

Now we get The Facts of Life
17 times a day.

You aren't aliens?

They're evil trolls from
the center of the Earth.

We are human beings!

At least we were until a
wizard turned us into trolls.

And banished us
to the Earth's core.

So, what's the problem?

How would you like to
live down here for centuries?

How would you like
to eat earthworms?

Well, that would depend on
if I was a troll or not.

(SNARLS)

It's taken us a thousand years
to dig our way to the surface,

and to develop
the Transformamatic.

Thanks to a few
stolen vacuum tubes,

some photocopier components

and just a smidgen
of plutonium,

we don't have to
be trolls any longer.

Come inside.

Showtime!

Get over there,
and get out of my way!

(SCREAMING)

A thing of beauty.

Certainly an improvement.

Now we can walk amongst
you without being noticed.

And take over the world?

World, schmorld.
All the Big Macs we can eat.

Crystal-clear
television reception.

Suburban track homes
for the taking.

A pretty slave or two.
What more does a troll need?

A good skin cream?

Then again, world domination,
that's not a bad idea.

Good move, ace.

I like the sound of that one.

And we'll kill anyone
who gets in our way!

(WATCH BEEPING)

Facts of Life is on.

It's a big decision.

Do I choose fame,
sunny skies, a new name?

Or do I stick with the foggy
West End, academic obscurity

and the warmth of
the family hearth?

But, more importantly,
what do you intend to do?

Perhaps you should re-evaluate
your academic goals.

You're a werewolf, do you
really need a mythology degree?

What do you think?

I think it's time for dessert.

Will I like it?

Yes, it's smashing.

(DOORBELL RINGS)

I'll get it.

(KNOCKING AT DOOR)

Is it Halloween already?
Randi, fetch the sweets.

(SCREAMS)

You call that sweet?

(EXHALES)

You are a remarkable
judge of character.

I take it back.

(CHANTING)

(CROAKING)

We have to talk.

(CHUCKLES)

(GROWLING)

Why haven't you
tried to escape?

To where? We could be anywhere
in a thousand miles of tunnels.

Besides,
they'll try to kill us.

I'm Baldrik Exmachina.

Grand Wizard of
the Glowing Oracle.

But the magicians of the Glowing
Oracle disbanded thousands of years ago.

I keep fit.

Which is more than
I can say for you.

(LAUGHS)

Indeed. Nobody's perfect.

Take for instance those poor
folks with forked tongues.

They aren't people.
They're trolls.

Somehow they've learned how to
transform themselves into anyone.

So that isn't my friend Randi
hopping around the living room?

It's one of those evil gypsies
I turned into trolls

and exiled into the
center of the Earth.

Ah, that's a relief.

They were supposed to
stay down there forever.

Oh, well,
we all make mistakes.

Just turn them into frogs and rescue my
friend, and it'll be our little secret.

(LAUGHS)

That's easier said than done.

But, uh, well, I've got to be face
to face with them to accomplish it.

Well, why didn't you
show up a week ago?

Well, I didn't sense they
had escaped until yesterday.

Oh, I only hope
I'm not too late.

Let's get this over with.

Where are we going?

"There's too much crime
in the city," he says.

"Let's get away from the dirt
and the danger," he says.

"Let's start a new life
in the suburbs," he says.

How was I supposed to know there
were trolls in California, honey?

I knew we never should
have left New York City.

Would you two
stop arguing, please?

Oh, goodie.

Little Miss Mary Sunshine has
another pearl of wisdom for us.

We have to stay together if we're
going to be united against the trolls.

Shh! They're
gonna hear you.

Let them hear me!
Let them all hear me!

Look, are you crazy?
You wanna get us killed?

Listen up, trolls.
We've had enough.

And we're not going
to take this anymore!

(SNARLS)

What's going on here?
Everybody get back to work.

No! We're not slaves.
We're human beings.

I'd like to let you know that
she's speaking only for herself.

Listen, if you've
seen our television,

you know this, the human
spirit is indomitable.

And you could chain us,
but you can't chain our souls.

And no matter what you do,
we will be free!

So, everybody,
throw down your tools!

(TROLLS SNARLING)

Throw them! Throw down your
tools. Now what do you say?

I think you're
absolutely right.

She is?

She is?
I am?

You are. Yeah, you are.

The human spirit
is indomitable, yeah,

and it was wrong of me
to make you all my slaves.

ALL: Yeah! Yeah!

I have decided
to kill you instead.

(TROLL LAUGHING)

That's two, Einstein.

It's yabba-dabba-doo time!

I command thee back, knave!

Baldrik!

Lan!

Hi, honey, I'm home. These must
be the new neighbors. Lan Matheson.

I see you've met Poopsie.

This is no time
for jokes.

Nonsense.
You watch this.

I should have destroyed you eons
ago, but pity stayed my hand.

Who is this guy?

Long story.

Have mercy on us,
we're harmless.

Not in this form, you're not.

But you will be when
you are all, uh, frogs!

Frogs!

Uh-oh.

Uh-oh?

Baldrik, good to see you.

(CACKLES)

This long story,
does it have a happy ending?

Not anymore.

All right, all right. Come
along. Inside, inside, yes!

Inside, yes!
Yes! Won't hurt a bit.

Always wanted
a beard like that.

(LAUGHS)

My turn! My turn!

(ELECTRICITY SURGING)

Oh, that feels great.

(LAUGHING)

You didn't know your magic
wand doesn't work underground?

Well, I never had a chance
to do it underground.

Well, you could have
read the manual.

Now, now, don't argue. You
have to learn to get along.

You're going to be together
down here for a very long time.

See how you like
eternal damnation.

Mere iron bars can't restrain
the indomitable human spirit.

That's why once we're above, we're
sealing these caverns, forever.

Brilliant.
Are you two related?

If you manage to escape
this cell, doubtful.

And if you dig your way
to the surface, impossible.

It won't matter. It'll be our
world then. I have this now.

And no manual.

I'll wing it.

Have a pleasant eternity.

Anyone bring
a deck of cards?

This is not at all
how I imagined California.

Well, that's all right, I
never thought moving to England

would mean becoming a
werewolf, battling ghosts

and witches, zombies.

(SIGHS)

Well, you just can't trust
tourist brochures anymore.

But if I had to
do it all again,

I don't think
I'd do anything differently.

Not even the curse?

Well, maybe the curse.

But not if it meant
that we couldn't be together.

To say you changed my life
would be an understatement.

You wouldn't be here now
if it wasn't for me.

You saw through me?

I always have.

Then you know how
I feel about you?

Well, I wouldn't mind
hearing it just to be sure.

If I had to do it
all over again...

Oh, I am gonna
throw up.

Can't you do something, bonehead?

Like what?

Wait a minute.

Didn't the magicians
of the Glowing Oracle

entertain themselves
with small feats of magic?

Well, there was this old parlor
trick we used to do for laughs.

Well, I think we could
do with a few laughs.

I'm not sure I even
remember how it goes.

(CHANTING)

Ow.

(CHANTING)

Oh, I get it. All the other
wizards were laughing at you.

(CHANTING)

Ha!

A key.

Good man!

WOMAN: Thank God.
MAN: Thank you.

MAN: Get out of here.

Come on. Let's get up there
and kick some troll butt.

That's the first intelligent
thing you've said.

MAN: All right! All right!
Give me a hand.

Uh-oh!

Not bad for a troll
who's winging it, huh?

We're gonna be
in here forever.

You got a trick
for this?

BALDRIK: I'm afraid not.

MAN: We gotta get out of
here. Come on, stay close.

WOMAN: Yeah.

IAN: Do you have an idea?

You're gonna love it.

(LOUD MUSIC PLAYING)

(CHATTERING)

(MOUTHING)

This is the last earthworm
I'll ever eat.

Think again.

No hard feelings?

None at all.

(FROGS CROAKING)

Say, I don't suppose I could
convince you to transform them

into something
a bit more appealing?

Like what?

Oh, I don't know.

Perhaps something
in a very daring bikini?

IAN: Do you swear there
was nothing vindictive

about turning me
into a worm?

No, of course not.
It was just...

It was just a way
to get through the dirt.

Well, it did give me
the opportunity to see

what it's like being
a Hollywood producer.

Gee, I'm gonna miss suburbia.

(SIRENS BLARING)

Not half as much
as it's going to miss you.

So, lan...

Do you think we're a
failure as a married couple?

Perhaps we just need
a little more practice.

What sort of exercise
did you have in mind?

FIREMAN 1: You okay in there?

FIREMAN 2: Check it out.
Let's go.

Head upstairs.

Let's go.
Yeah, I guess so.

Practice makes perfect.

IAN: So you're saying that Merlin
was not a mythical articulation

of the society's repressed anxiety over
the oppressive expression of Catholicism?

I'm saying Merlin was a jerk,

always borrowing wands
and never returning them.

And he had no idea how to
host a good virgin sacrifice.

Did anyone ever tell you,
you have Garbo's eyes?

Many times.

Anyone ever tell you,
you have Bacall's hips?

That's a first.

And so that's
our show for today.

I'd like to thank our guest,
Baldrik Exmachina,

Grand Wizard of the Glowing
Oracle, for joining us.

My pleasure.

Remember, if you've encountered the
supernatural, tackled the bizarre

or delved into the unreal,
we want to hear from you.

I'm Dr. Lan Matheson
bidding you adieu.

Thank you.

You know, you could be
my head of development.

I'm leaving town.

Oh, not on my account.

Well, it's certainly
a strong incentive.

And you thought a lively debate
about mythology would be dull.

Well, I got to admit.
The old coot was pretty good.

Next time, can you find
a coot with hooters?

I'll roll with it, walk
with it, see how it plays.

(LAUGHS)

I love this man.

(PURRING)

Next time?
Who is he kidding?

Look, we gotta hurry
or we'll miss our flight.

Hey, why rush?

You wanna miss the plane?

I was thinking
we might stay for a while.

Stay?

It beats waiting for the
university to phase me out,

and besides, think how many
people we can reach with this show.

People who might just
lead us to your cure.

You'd give up your
professor's robes for me?

Oh, why stop there? I'll
take off anything you like.

But I'd never graduate.

True,
but we'd be together.

Assuming you're willing
to stay, of course.

I take that as a yes.

Oh, I don't know.

I think you should wine and
dine me, just to play it safe.

Oh, I always play it safe.
Where to?

I don't know.
It'll be an adventure.

No doubt.