All language subtitles for Columbo - S07E03 - Make Me a Perfect Murder (1978)

COLUMBO: (SINGING)
I looked over Jordan
and what did I see

Coming for to carry me home

A band of angels
coming after me

Coming for to carry me home

Yankee Doodle went to town
A- riding on a pony

Put a feather in his cap
and called it macaroni

In a cavern, In a canyon

(POLICE DISPATCHER ON RADIO)

Excavating for a mine

Lived a miner, forty-niner

And his daughter Clementine

COP ON RADIO:
15-12,
I've got a siren.

COP 2 ON RADIO:
15-14,
meet me on Tech 2.

(POLICE SIREN WAILING)

Roger, go ahead 15-12.

I'm at Riverside and Laurel.
My ETA is one minute.

Proceed to Magnolia
and Hollywood Way.
Stay on Tech 2.

(POLICE SIREN WAILING)

(HORN BLARING)

15-14 I've got a
reckless driver in front of me
approaching the intersection.

Roger 15-12.
I am eastbound on Magnolia
from Riverside.

He's driving a white
or a gray early model...
Look out!

(HORN HONKING)

(TIRES SCREECHING)

(CRASHING)

I think I hurt my neck.

(MOOD Y JAZZ PLAYING)

KAY: Where are
the gun effects?

PRODUCER:
Bring 'em up, fellas.

MAN: Looking for it.

KAY: The music's too big.

Okay, now,
when he gets into the alley,

what I want to hear is
just the pulse track
on the music.

Let's take it from the top.
Okay, John?

Everything's okay with me.
I'm just the producer.

MAN: Going back, Allen.

Kay, you're a very busy lady.

Why don't you get
out of the grease pit
and let me dub the film?

Because you boys
at the studio get
to have all the fun.

While we, over at the network,

all we get to do
is pay for these pictures

and try to let you know
what we want
and how we want it.

How's that for a massage?

(BIRDS TWITTERING)

(TYPEWRITER CLACKING)

(PHONE RINGING)

So how's
the picture look?

Getting there.
Like pulling teeth.
Hmm.

Lunch?
Mmm-hmm. Shrimp Salad.

Peace.

Peace.
He in?

Yeah, meeting.

MAN 1: But New York
is getting a little anxious.

MAN 2: Do you really
have to tell me that?

Gentlemen.
Kay.

Hello.

MARK: Let me worry
about New York.

Clay Gardner, what's he
really gonna cost us?

Henry, did you check
his agent out?

You want a price
on Clay Gardner? His agent
just smiles and smiles.

Did you see the final dub?

Don't we wish.
At that studio,
another three days.

Let me put it this way.
Can I show The Professional
to the New York bunch,

and will I want to?

Yes, you can show it
and yes, you will want to.

You heard that Kay Freestone
guarantees a 40 share.

Okay, friends,
thank you much.

KAY: Jonathan, fill me in.

I ran the network
demographics on the six
Clay Gardner movies.

Believe it or not,
his strongest appeal...

(DOOR SLAMMING)

(BUZZING)

Yes, Madge.

Mr. Flanagan
in New York, on three.

Hello, Mark.

MARK: Hello, Frank,
how are you? How's that
great New York weather?

Well, how do you think?
It's still snowing.

I hate to tell you this but
I went sailing yesterday.

Mark, how tough would
it be to give up sailing
in the winter?

What did you have
in mind, Frank?

New York.

For how long?

Long as you want. Forever.

FRANK: It'll be out
Tuesday, definite.

(SINGING) Hated California
It's cold and it's damp

(HUMMING)

(BIRDS CAWING)

Hey! Breakfast!

Happy Sunday.

Well, Saturday wasrt
too shabby.

You can read me
the funnies.

Frank Flanagan called.
I got New York.

The whole damn network.

Baby, we did it,
we did it, we did it.

When do we leave?

I want you to stay here, Kay.

Your job!

You are giving me the job?

What's going on here?

I can't give you
the West Coast, babe.

Well, now.

I thought
I'd earned something.

At what you do, Kay,
you're the best there is.

You're the very best.

But you don't make decisions.

You make guesses.
There's a difference.

Guesses just aren't
good enough.

But you'll learn.

Right.

Right.

I'm learning already.

Don't make it
any tougher than it is.

(LAUGHING)

Poor baby.

Here I am worrying
about myself.

Poor, precious Mark suffering
through the awful truth.

Farewell, my dearest,
the time has come.

Great secret lovers.

Super corporate team.

But onward and upward.

Whoop-dee-doo.

Kay in the end all we
really owe each other is
a little bit of affection.

Nobody was keeping tabs,
were they?

So much for overtime,
so much for double time,
so much for playtime.

MARK: Kay.

You wanna sue me?

Shoot me?
That make you feel better?

Right through the heart.
Make me a perfect murder,
babe.

Kay.

You were supposed to find
these out there.

A 450SL.

The silver one.

It's the one
you always wanted.

It's still at the
dealer showroom. But it's
registered in your name.

You can drive it home.

The license plate says,
"Kay #1."

Well, that's a comment
from the management.

Goodbye, Kay?

Sit up, Lieutenant.

I want you to relax.

Tilt your head back.

What... What are you gonna do?

Just give your neck
a little adjustment.

What do you mean
by adjustment?

Don't worry, Lieutenant,
it won't hurt at all.

I'll tell you, Sam, I don't
think it hurts anymore.

It won't hurt at all.

Sam, it already
doesn't hurt at all.

Relax. Relax.

(CRACKING)

KAY ON RECORDER: You have
one minute and 20 seconds.

(CLOCK TICKING)

You have one minute
and 10 seconds.

You have one minute.

You have 50 seconds.

You have 40 seconds.

You have 30 seconds to go.

You have 20 seconds.

You have 10 seconds left.

Nine seconds. Eight.

Seven. Six.

Five. Four.

Three. Two.

One. Out.

Oh, hello, Kay.

(TYPEWRITER CLACKING)

Sorry, Jonathan.

I'm going to need all those
Clay Gardner demographs
first thing in the morning.

Kay, that's gonna
take all night.

Well, unless you'd like
to explain your troubles
to Mr. Flanagan,

you'd better plan
on spending the night.

Condolences, Junior.
Comes with the territory.

FRANK: Well, who says
Clay Gardner's ready
to do TV?

PETE: Just once I'd like
to sit down to a hot meal.

MARK: At $7 million
a season,

let's just say
he might be tempted.

His agent take the hook yet?
No, I'm still setting it.

Planes don't count.
That's toy food.
It's really up to Frank.

What do you think, Pete?

Before, I got to be a VP...
Now I put it between bread.

We'll still
come out of it.

Do you really want to lay out
that kind of cash, Frank?

If we start paying $7 million,
every actor we have
will wanna renegotiate.

Clay Gardner isn't
every actor.

Thank God.

(ALL LAUGHING)

Mr. Flanagan, gentlemen.

Kay.
Hi, Kay.

Soon as you've had
your ice cream and cookies,
we'll go to the movies.

All right, guys, let's go.
This way, gentlemen.

That's right.
What have you got?
I hope I'm gonna see you guys
in my office later.

ALL: We'll see you later.

Mark.

Let's roll the dice
on Clay Gardner
before I change my mind.

You got it.

FRANK: Pete, listen,
we're gonna go with Gardner.

So, first thing tomorrow
set up a negotiating session.
I'll call Herbie Stone.

You all right?
I'm fine.

No, I mean really.

I mean, I'm really fine, Mark.

Good.

He can handle it.

Well, this picture is
very much a Kay Freestone
effort, I understand.

Oh, yes. You'll find
little flecks of my blood
on each and every frame.

Gentlemen,
I'll be in the booth.
Enjoy yourselves.

ALL: Thank you.

Frank, do you really think

that William Morris will
cave-in that much
on the price?

A million at least. You got to
be kidding it's seven.
Nobody believes seven.

Evening, Walter.

Hi, Kay.

VIP time, huh?
Oh, it's murder.

You got all nine reels here?

Ninety minutes,
nine reels.

Okay.

You watching
back here again, huh?

Walter,

I wrestled this bloody film
through that nutty studio
for six months.

If you so much as make
one mistake in a changeover,

I'll kill you.

Yowsah, Miss Freestone.

Your film is gonna go
through this gate

at the incredible rate
of 90 feet per minute.

You just watch
this little old counter here.

And no sooner will this first
reel finish up when I will see

two little flashes of light
out there

in the upper right hand corner
of your lovely picture.

And then I will,
with lightning speed,

switch over to this
projector right here.

And not only will your
big-shots not know
that I have switched a reel,

they'll not suspect
one little old thing.

Bravo.

Kay, roll when
you're ready.

All right. Okay.

What's this called?

The Professional.
Mmm.

(PROJECTOR WHIRRING)

Good luck.

Thanks, I'll need it.

(MOOD Y JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING)

(EXHALING)

Frank,
has Standards and Practices
seen this yet?

(SHUSHING)

WALTER: Changeover.

Flash.

Go.

Couldrt have done it
better myself.

(POLICE SIREN WAILING)

Marius?

Not exactly the family hour,
is it?

Walter, where are
those other reels?

What other reels?

Screen tests that I ordered
for Broad Land. Flanagan
might want to see them.

Oh, somebody goofed. They must
still be down in Shipping.

Well, you better go get them.
Four reels.

Well, there's a changeover
coming in about two minutes.

I'll take care of the
changeover. You just get those
reels for me, please.

KAY ON RECORDER:
You have four minutes.

You have three minutes
and 50 seconds.

You have three minutes
and 40 seconds.

You have three minutes
and 30 seconds.

You have three minutes
and 20 seconds.

You have three minutes
and 10 seconds.

(SIGHING)

You have three minutes.

You have two minutes
and 50 seconds.

(PHONE RINGING)

Finished already?

Yes.

Finished.

Honey, wait a minute,
wait a...

You have two minutes
and 10 seconds.

Mark?

You have two minutes.

You have one minute
and 30 seconds.

You have one minute
and 20 seconds.

You have one minute
and 10 seconds.

You have one minute.

You have 50 seconds.

You have 40 seconds.

You have 30 seconds.

You have 25 seconds.

Twenty seconds.

You have 15 seconds left.

You have 10 seconds.

Nine.

Six.

Five.

Four.

Three. Two. One.

Make the changeover okay?

Like a champ.

All right.

Well, how's it going?

Well, no one's left yet.

(GUN FIRING)

How long are they gonna
keep putting that stuff
on television?

(ON SPEAKER)
Kay, would you come
in here a minute?

What?

I'll be right in.

KAY ON SPEAKER:
Walter, no more
picture tonight.

(MUSIC STOPS)

Kay, I'm so terribly shocked.
I'm so sorry.

Yeah, we're all very sorry.

I'm sure he'd be
the first one to say

there's no disrespect
in our just doing our jobs.

What is there for today?

They asked for you
in Mark's office.

Soon as you came in.

Kay, steady, love.

Good morning, madam.

Lieutenant Columbo, Homicide.

And you're Miss Freestone?

Yes, Lieutenant.

No disrespect intended, madam,

but that's where
Mr. McAndrews was lying,
just like that.

When he was shot, that is.

Is there any way
I can be of help,
Lieutenant?

I don't believe so, madam.
Nice of you to offer.

We think it's a whiplash.
The doctors are making tests.

I'm so sorry.

No, I... I meant, is there
any way I can help you
with your investigation?

Oh, the investigation.
Yes, madam, I think there is.

Now, I understand that
you worked very closely
with the victim.

Yes, I was
his executive assistant.

Yes, madam.

And would you agree
that these were his glasses?

They look like them, yes.

Then would you mind coming
through that door, madam?

Excuse me?

If you would just go out
and come through that door,
please.

(DOOR CLOSING)

Come on in, madam.

COLUMBO: Come on in.

Stop right there, madam.

Now, if you'll just hold out
your arm.

Where?

Just point it at me, madam.

Like you were
holding a pistol.

Thank you very much, madam.

My father wore glasses
just like these.

And when I was a youngster,
I used to like to put them on.

Made me feel like a grown-up.

There's something
I wanted to ask you
about Mr. McAndrews, madam.

An item that I found
here on his desk
a little piece of paper.

Well, it will turn up.

My mother used to grab
the glasses off me.

"They're bad for your eyes,"
she used to say.

You know, in those days,
everything was bad
for your eyes.

Not wearing mittens was
bad for your eyes.

Wearing rubbers in the house,
that'd strike you blind
on the spot.

I don't know what I did
with that damn paper.

Well, it will turn up.

That must be
very uncomfortable.

madam?

Oh, this? Well, it's better
than a gallstone.

Did you ever have
a gallstone, madam?

Whew!

No, I don't think so.

If there's nothing else,
Lieutenant...

I've got 12 men searching,
Lieutenant. Is that enough?

As many as you can get,
Sergeant.

We haven't found
the weapon, madam.

We think it still might be
on the premises.

I know there was a paper
on this desk.

Oh, Sergeant Burke,
this is Miss Freestone.

She was Mr. McAndrews'
executive assistant.

Found you.

I think you're wanted
in your office. Something
about Mr. Flanagan.

Oh, thank you.

Lieutenant, I think there's
something you should see.

Would you mind
coming with me?

Certainly, madam.

Keep searching, Sergeant.

BURKE: Yes, sir.

We lost a hell of a lot more
than manpower.

No, they don't know
anything yet.

(KNOCKING)

Yes, I'll be staying around
until we can get the pieces
back together.

Kay, I hope
I didn't take you away.

You all right?

Your men have everything
they need, Lieutenant?

Well, it's
very confusing, sir.

I mean, there were
only so many people
in the building last night.

You and your people,
Miss Freestone
and the projectionist

and the young man
working next door.

Every single one of them is
accounted for.

With your terrific security
and all,

no one else could get in
or out of the building.

So the question is,
who killed Mr. McAndrews?

That's why I want you to look
at these, Lieutenant.

You personally won
this award yourself,
madam?

Indeed she did, Lieutenant.

"For Best
Documentary Production."

Well, you certainly are
a very clever woman, madam.

That's why she's with us.

Very clever indeed.

Let's just say
I work like an ox.

Please sit right here,
Lieutenant.

Thank you, madam.

FRANK: Kay.

Under the circumstances,
I'm gonna ask
something of you.

We'd like you to help us
by taking over
all of Mark's duties,

at least for
the time being.

Of course. Anything I can
do to help, Mr. Flanagan.

Good. I knew
I could count on you.

You can start by
locking up Clay Gardner
in The Broad Land.

Oh, Mr. Flanagan,
I wanted to talk to you

about The Professional,
the film last night?

I think we should talk
about that some other time.

Good luck, Lieutenant.

Oh, thank you, sir. I'm sure
it'll be off in a few days.

I call it weird, madam.

All these crazy crank letters.

Have you ever
told the police
about these threats?

Yes, I certainly have.

You'll notice
that the network gets blamed
for everything that's going,

be it communism,
fascism, atheism,

abortion, sex, violence.
You name it.

Up, down or in the middle.
It's all the same thing.

"Support decency
or we'll kill you."

Signed in blood.

So, naturally,
when this happened,

it occurred to me...

That one of these nuts
slipped in here
and killed Mr. McAndrews?

Well, other attempts
have been made,
twice on Mr. Flanagan.

I don't think so, madam.

Not in this case.

Granted, there's
a lot of nuts running around,
some of them dangerous.

Not in this case.

You seem very sure,
Lieutenant.

That's because Mr. McAndrews
recognized his murderer.

He knew the person
who shot him.

I find that very hard
to believe.

I don't wanna
distress you, madam,
but there's no doubt about it.

I know I had
that paper somewhere.

Why is there
no doubt about it?

We know the angle
of the bullet, madam.

We know that the murderer
didn't shoot from the door.

He entered the office.

I'd say he was
18 feet in by the time
he pulled the trigger.

Well, why couldn't a stranger
be 18 feet into a room?

Well, let me
put it to you
this way, madam.

If you were alone
in a room at night,
lying on a couch,

and a stranger entered,

wouldn't you take
a good look at him?

Wouldrt you wanna see
what he looked like?

Yes.

That's the point, madam.

Mr. McAndrews didn't bother
to take a really good look.

It's these glasses, madam.

He had them up here
on his forehead
when he was shot.

When the murderer came
into the room.

So Mr. McAndrews
must've known exactly
who that person was,

or he would've
pushed them down,
like this.

Because with these
type corrections, madam,
these bifocals,

this is the only way
that Mr. McAndrews
could see his killer.

If the killer was
a stranger, that is.

Which he couldn't have been.

But I'll keep
your theory in mind.

Interesting, isn't it,
how you can work
these small things out

if you just think about it?

Like you got a tiny voice
whispering right in your ear,

trying to tell you who did it.

You're a very attentive
listener, Lieutenant.

Oh, yes, madam.
Why that's all
we got to go on.

Listen and look,
look and listen.

(PROJECTOR WHIRRING)

WALTER: You see, you watch
your counter for the blip

and then you stand by
for the blip.

You mean to tell me
that all these years,

every time I took
Mrs. Columbo
to the theater,

those flashes were
on the screen?

They have been on the screen
even before Mrs. Columbo,
Lieutenant.

The upper right hand corner.

In a regular theater?
A regular theater.

If I go to the movies tonight,

8:30, down the block,
a dollar and a half,

and I walk in and sit down
and watch the movie,

you mean to tell me

that I will see
those flashes
on the screen?

Right.

That goes to show you,
you learn something new
every day.

Now, the flashes tell
the projectionist

when he's supposed
to change his reel.

All right,
all right, watch.

Flash.

Now, you tell me
when you see
the second one.

Flash.

Mr. Mearhead,

I would say
you did that
like an artist.

Listen, you wanna
see art, Lieutenant?

Lieutenant,

this is art.

Isn't that remarkable?

You did that yourself?

That I did, sir.

When I was a kid,
I used to build
model airplanes.

I'd start them
but I could never
finish them.

I'd always wreck them.

Miss Freestone,

she made the changeover
last night

when you went out for
The Broad Land screen tests?

Yeah, about two minutes
after I left.
I checked that counter.

You checked the counter,

Miss Freestone,
she changed the projector.

Did Miss Freestone make
the splice, too?

What splice?

You mean
the film didn't break?

Isn't this one of
those editor's gloves?

Right. I mean,
she could've
fixed the film

if anything happened,
but nothing happened
to the film.

You see,

I use these gloves
because of the glue.

Well, thank you
very much, sir.

Do you think it would be
asking too much

if I took
one of these things
for my nephew?

Sure, help yourself.

The kid's 15-years-old

and he sold all his
stereo stuff to make
eight-millimeter movies.

When I was a kid
in my neighborhood,
we had heroes.

DiMaggio, Rizzuto...

You know who he's
got on the wall?

Francis Ford Coppola.

(EXCLAIMING)

Sorry, madam.

Excuse me, Lieutenant.

Oh, Walter, you can send
those test reels back
to Shipping anytime.

Oh, those tests, madam,
the tests, they've already
gone back to Shipping.

I spoke to
the gentleman in charge.

Oh.

Fine, then.

COLUMBO: madam. madam.

About those tests that
you sent out for last night.

Those were tests
for a new series
called The Broad Land?

Yes, Lieutenant,
they were talent tests.

Yes, well there's something
that I don't understand,
madam,

and maybe I should...
I probably should...

Lord knows I'm not the
brightest guy on the force.

Another detective, he could
cut right through all this.

I understand, Lieutenant.
Just ask your questions.

That's the problem, madam.

When I ask the questions,
I know I'm putting you
on the spot.

It's perfectly all right,
Lieutenant.

It's your job.
I appreciate that.

Thank you very much, madam.
If only more people
felt that way.

The question is...

Mr. Flanagan says that he

already approved Clay Gardner
to star in that new series.

So I had to ask myself,
if he already approved him,

why would you wanna
show him more tests?

You see my problem, madam?

Yes, I do, and I wondered
exactly the same thing myself.

Did you?
Mmm-hmm.

This time I think you're
listening to the wrong little
voice in your ear, Lieutenant.

I was just
following instructions.

Mr. Flanagars instructions?

Mr. McAndrews' instructions.

Written instructions, madam?

Verbal instructions,
Lieutenant.

I see.

Well, we certainly can't ask
Mr. McAndrews, can we?

(ELEVATOR DINGING)

I'm afraid I do
have to go,
Lieutenant.

COLUMBO: Oh, madam.

Excuse me, madam.

I know you're pressed.

I don't wanna hold you up.

Can we walk and talk?

Let's.

I know that Mr. McAndrews
was an important executive,

and I know that CNC is
a big television network.

But I have no idea
what he did all day

and night, from what
I can see around here.

Well, I can hardly speak
for his nights, Lieutenant.

I didn't mean
to imply, madam.

His days were mostly
like mine. We run
a fire department around here.

Do you want to look
at some of the flames?

Flames, madam?
Yes,

mostly we put out fires.

LUTHER: Nancy,
monitor two.

NANC Y: One, please.

LUTHER: Thank you,
sweetheart.

Yeah, now, that's the angle
I want for the third position.

MAN: Looking nice kids.
Looking very good.

Start from the top
and I'll watch it up here.

Oh, Kay, we've
already lost two hours.

Where is she?
Luther will tell you.

Oh, Lieutenant,
I'll be busy for a minute.
Just help yourself.

Don't worry about me, madam.

(SHUSHING)

Luther?

LUTHER: Coming down.

You can take
a break now,
Nancy. Thanks.

NANCY: All right, everybody,
five minutes, please.

Where are we?

Replace her, Kay.

Valerie?

She's never gonna make it.
Not a live show.
Not in this world.

Oh, come on,
we're on tomorrow night.

She's terrified,
she's hysterical.

She's losing her mind.
I mean, she doesn't
even understand

that this is not an
MGM sound stage
20 years ago.

She hates the blocking,
she hates the camera,
she hates me.

You, I don't know about.

Look, a few times a day
she'll have a nice rush
of confidence for 10 minutes

and then she'll remember
it's a live show, bite one
of the dancers on the leg

and run to
her dressing room
and hide.

Aside from all that,
her work is lousy.

Where is she?

Dressing room.

Luther, is she on anything?

Oh, please.

COLUMBO: You mean
it's gonna be live TV,
just the way it used to be?

TECHNICAL DIRECTOR:
A little bit better,
Lieutenant, we hope.

This is where the director
will sit. Here, sit down.

This is a
technical director's
console.

Does that bother you?

(STAMMERING)
That's just whiplash.

I mean,
I think it's a whiplash.

My doctor thinks
it's a whiplash.

The chiropractor, he thinks
I just got a bad massage.

And my wife's osteopath,

he thinks it might be
a back problem.

It doesn't look
like a back problem.

That's what
the orthopedic man said.

Listen, all these screens
for just one show?

That's a line monitor.
That's what's
going on the air.

Preview monitor is what
the director wants up next

and those are what
the four cameras see.

I do the switching.

Hey, all these beautiful
machines in here,

all these buttons to push.

I know it costs millions

and I know that everybody
works very hard. But I gotta
tell you the truth.

To me, it looks like fun.

It is, but I wouldn't
swear to it in court.

And Miss Freestone,

she understands
all about this, too?

I'll tell you about that.
If there's one thing worse

than a television lady who
thinks she knows everything,

it's a television lady
who knows everything.

I'll see you later,
Lieutenant.

(WHISTLING THIS OLD MAN)

(INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING)

(SWEEPING
INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING)

(SLOW
INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING)

Valerie.

KAY: Val, it's Kay.

Whose side are you on?

Whose do you think?

Prove it.

You can keep
the key to my apartment.

Oh, Kay. Give me a hug.

Oh, I thought you'd
never get here.

Did Luther get over
his snit yet?

How about yours?

Big deal.

I tried to tell that genius
where to put my key light
and the roof fell in.

Big man from New York.

Luther's very good.
He's the best in the business
for live shows.

He'll make you look
like a million.

A million years old.

Is that how you feel?

Want your key back?

Val, are you clean?

Oh, my God.

I look like a junky, huh?

I've had no booze,
no pills,

no sniff and no smoke.

Except these damn things,
that's all.

(SOBBING)

Can you look at me, babe?

How scared are you?

I'm terrified.

I can't do it, Kay.
I just don't know
how to do it anymore.

I don't know what you
have to do.

Sing, dance, be funny
in front of 40 million people.

I'd do it myself
if I had the time.

Come on.

LUTHER: And then we'll go
to four after the crane shot.

Luther.
Mmm?

Take a look at this.

What's that?

LUTHER: Oh, boy.

Eddie, give me
a tight two-shot on Kay
and Valerie, would you?

Valerie Kirk.

Valerie Kirk?
Wait till I tell my wife.

Hey, boss, you
want a willing worker?

Well, what are
we waiting for?

And the lighting
is terrific.

I don't believe it.

What are you waiting for?
Let's go to work.

Anything else, maestro?

Yeah. How about
walking on water?

Oh, yeah.

LUTHER: Valerie, I'm coming
right down. Wait for me.

(CAR DOOR CLOSING)

(CRASHING)

madam?

Lieutenant, you frightened me.

Oh, I'm sorry, madam.

Your secretary said
you were coming here.

I'll just take that.

Are you supposed
to take that off?

Well, I thought
I'd cheat for a while.

An hour won't hurt.
What do you think?

I think you're
very attractive
without it,

but that's not
a medical opinion.

Well, I'll tell you, madam,
it's the nicest opinion
I've heard yet.

She said, your secretary,

that you used to live here.

Yes.

My mother raised three of us
in this place.

I guess nothing sends you
scurrying back to your roots

like somebody else's
death, does it?

Oh, I thought, madam,
now that you have
this new, important job

you might have paid
a visit just to see
how far you've come.

Excuse me. I'll just
get another chair.

May I, madam?

Let's dine by candlelight,
Lieutenant.

That'd be very nice,
madam.

You know, I always knew
this place was small

but I never realized
it was quite this tiny.

Four of us cramped in here.
Never a chance to be alone.

I took a trip
a few years ago.

Took Mrs. Columbo back
to the house where I grew up.

It looked all shrunken.

I had five brothers
and one sister,
Miss Freestone,

and that was
really terrific.

There was always someone
around for company.

We were never lonely.

You're a very special man,
Lieutenant.

You accept things
as they are.

I try to change them.

That's to your credit, madam.

Your success
and ambition and all.

Now, I'm supposed to ask you
questions about all that.

You're supposed to?

Well, nobody told me to,
but that's the way I'm
supposed to do my job.

They're certainly
not personal.

Whenever anyone says
it's not personal,

that's exactly
when it's very personal.

It's not by choice, madam.

Sometimes I get all tense
when I have to do it.

Well, then that's
your problem, Lieutenant.

We have to do
something to relieve
some of that tension.

Oh. Be careful, madam.

I won't touch your neck.
Just relax.

(GROANING)

That's a real relief.

What I wanted
to ask you, madam,

would you have gotten
this new job,

in charge of
West Coast production,

if Mr. McAndrews
hadrt been murdered?

Go on, madam.
You're not hurting me.

No. I don't think
Mark would have
given me the job.

May I ask, madam,
why you say that?

He never mentioned it.

Now the fact is,

he never mentioned it
to any of his executive staff.

But you were
his main assistant.

Perhaps Mr. Flanagan
had objections.

Well, I don't mean
to pin you down, madam,

but it was Mr. Flanagan
who gave you your promotion.

Yes.

But it's not a permanent
promotion, Lieutenant.
Remember that.

Well, Mr. Flanagan told me

that it would have been okay
with him if the murdered man
had given you the job.

Then it was Mark's decision.

I hear those little voices
going around in your ear,
Lieutenant,

asking could I possibly
have miraculously

murdered Mark for his job?

Oh, no, madam.
I don't think that at all.

You were up
in the projection booth.

And I don't think people
kill people for just a job.

Even an important job
like yours.

A little lower down, madam,
if you don't mind.

Either there was
no motive at all,

like in these crazy kind of
murders that you read about
in the newspaper,

or there was
a very good motive.

One that makes terrific sense.

And that's what keeps
going around in my mind.

The motive.

No, I couldn't think
those thoughts about you,
Miss Freestone.

Not as long as all you had
with Mr. McAndrews

was a business relationship.

Well, I'm sure
you've checked that out
with the executive staff,

haven't you, Lieutenant?

Not by choice, madam.

I wish I could help you,
Lieutenant.

You have, Miss Freestone.

I'm gonna try sleeping tonight
without this thing.

Well then,
if you'll forgive me.

I've had enough
of my olden times.

Yes, madam.

How do you like that?

I almost forgot again.

That item that I found
on the victim's desk.

The one that I lost.
Well, I found it again.

It was a slip of paper.

Like a note that he was
making to himself.

Some numbers
and the capital letter "K."

Take a look at this, madam.
Maybe you can help me.

COLUMBO: You see
the capital letter "K"

and the numbers 280,

450 with
a circle around it,

240 and 230.

Now, the "K"
with those numbers.

Does that mean anything
to you, madam?

Not a thing.

No.

You see, the numbers part,

I think that they form
some kind of a pattern.

I think they got
something in common

and it's right on the tip
of my tongue but
I can't put my finger on it.

You can't help me?

Sorry.

Well, thanks a lot anyway.

What's your
first name, madam?

Katherine.

But they call you Kay.

Yes.

And there's this capital
letter "K" on the note.

Yes.

Does that
ring a bell, madam?

No.

Nothing at all?

No, no help at all.

In this case, the "K"
must simply be a "K."

Can't blame me
for trying, madam.

COLUMBO:
You see, Mrs. Columbo,

she never
believed the doctor
right from the start.

She claimed
I was sleeping in a draft.

Well, last night she insisted
upon closing the windows.

Well, I woke up this morning,
I tell you, Sergeant,

my neck felt terrific.

That's very good,
Lieutenant.

I was getting so desperate

that I was gonna go to this
clinic where my brother-in-law
goes for his back problem.

What they did,

they said they had to
deaden the nerves in his nose.

His nose, Lieutenant?

His nose.

They stuck a needle
in his nose.

Sticking right out
of his nose, like this.

That's how he had
to walk around,
with a needle in his nose.

What do you think of that,
Sergeant?

That's very interesting,
Lieutenant.

I think so, too.

Don't let me hold you up,
Sergeant. You go ahead.

Yes, sir.

(PROJECTOR WHIRRING)

Mr. Mearhead?

Oh, hi, Lieutenant.
Come on in.

I just wanted to say that
I dropped the glove off
for my nephew.

He figures it'll improve
his editing 100%.

Well, you tell him
he ought to become
a surgeon.

That way he won't have
to see so much blood.

You got any opinions
about violence
on television?

Well, I work nights a lot.

I wanna tell you something.
The other night, I come back
from Film Shipping

and the first thing
I see is some guy
blowing his brains out.

I mean,
you think that's right?

I got a change coming up.

You know, it's crazy,
Mr. Mearhead,

but since I've been
hanging around here I think
I've become a button freak.

Buttons and switches.
Mmm-hmm.

You don't suppose
I could try to make one
of these changeovers myself?

I don't see why not.
All it is, is a writer
watching an old movie.

All right, when you see
your first flash, buttons up.

Button up.
Round before your dowser.

Dowser up.

On your second flash,
Lieutenant,

button here,
button there, press.

Button, button.
Dowser down.

Down on dowser.
Left light off.

So, on the first flash,
buttons up?

Buttons up.

And the dowser up.

WALTER: Flash coming up.

COLUMBO: First flash.

Flash up.

Second flash coming up.

Second flash. Now the buttons
go on the flash or before?

Did I miss?

It goes on the flash,
Lieutenant.
On the flash.

There it is.
On the flash.

Okay.

What happened?

WRITER ON SPEAKER: Walter,
we lost our film in here.
What's going on?

Walter, can you hear me?
What the hell are you
playing at in there?

Walter.

Sorry. Excuse me.

Lieutenant.

Lieutenant! Lieutenant!

Can I talk to you?

Certainly, Sergeant.

Can we go in here?

I'd rather not.

(WHISPERING)

(BIRDS CAWING)

(DOORBELL RINGING)

McAndrews?
Uh-huh.

Got anything to go?

No, nothing to go.

All right. Hold on.

I heard your
promises last night
and the night before.

Now, out of the carousel
location by midnight tonight.

Kay, Luther's on one.
You have to talk to him.

What it is
is a 90-minute melodrama.

Now, you get that on tape
tonight, by midnight,

or I am personally coming
out there to pull the plug.

It's about Valerie.

Yes, Luther.

Valerie is gone.

What do you mean, she's gone?

I mean she's gone.
Gone is gone.
Up the chimney.

Nobody's seen her since we
finished the dress rehearsal
on the USO number.

And we go on the air
in three hours
and 20 minutes.

(GRUNTING)

Well, did she leave
the building? Has anyone
checked with the guards?

Kay, she left the building.
She's at your place.
Line four.

I'll get right back
to you, Luther.

Valerie?

She's gone.

I'll get her back.

I'll get her back.

Valerie.

Val!

Valerie!

Did you call, madam?

You call me, "Madam,"
but never call me,
"Late for dinner."

(VALERIE LAUGHING)

Come on.

Don't you touch me.
I don't want to!

I have to do the show.
I'm gonna do the show.

Luther's scared.
Luther's so scared.

Valerie's gonna do it live!

(VALERIE GROANING)

Kay, please.

Sure.

Please.

I hurt myself.

Me, too, kiddo. Me, too.

I told you I couldn't do it!

Nobody listens.

They'll listen when I sing.

They'll listen when I sing.

They'll listen when I sing.

(VALERIE MOANING)

Please, give me a hug.

No more hugs.
We're fresh out of hugs.

I tried.

I'm just not good anymore.

Anymore.

Mr. Ames, please.

Henry, Valerie Kirk's at my
apartment. She won't be able
to make the show tonight.

It doesn't matter right now.

Look, just get control
of yourself.

We'll put in something else.
We'll put in a picture.

What else have we got?

Run The Professional.
It's the right length.

I got it made, didn't I?

Just tell the press that
she fell down some stairs
and hurt her leg.

What did you do?

What all good girls do.
The best I can.

Come on.
Give us a hug.

I really did it to you,
didn't I, Kay?

I mean, I really did it.

It doesn't matter.
It's only a show.

I've got a million
of them, kiddo.

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

Closed.

You promised.

What?

You promised.

Closed.

What?

Promised what?

My television set.

Lieutenant Columbo.

You brought it in
this morning.

(BELL DINGING)

Yeah, I wanted it for tonight
but I had to work late.

I'm working late myself
on your television set.

Well, you see, sir,

working nights, I don't get
to see much television.

Mrs. Columbo,
she does a lot of reading

and she takes a lot
of night school courses.

So the real TV fan
in the house, that's my dog.

(MOOD Y JAZZ PLAYING ON T. V.)

Boy, you got it going.
That's terrific.

He likes television.
He can't get enough of it.

You see that.
You like that?

He like it?

Yes, sir,
I think he likes it.

How do you know he likes it?

He never saw nothing yet
he didn't like.

Well, if he didn't like it,
how would you know
he didn't like it?

Well, he would look
very bored, sir.

All droopy and listless.

I'll tell you the
reason that we wanted
to see TV tonight is,

we wanted to see
the second half of
The Valerie Kirk Show.

Not on.

Not on?

I said it's not on.
This is the channel.

They got something else
on instead.

Something called
The Professional.

Oh, The Professional.

Would you believe
I know the lady
that made that show?

Not a bad picture. Spy stuff.

Spies. Your favorite.

You gonna start that again?

Come on, we gotta...
Up where the view is here.

All right, move over.
That's it.

There, are you comfortable?

Come on, up here
where you can see.

Is that all right?

(GUN FIRING ON T. V.)

Sorry, Lieutenant.
Still not right.

Not bad, sir.

Not bad at all.

You just keep working.

I could fix you up
with a terrific new one.
Under $400.

Your dog would love it.

No.

I gotta buy a new
bumper for my car,

maybe a new pair of shoes.

I think I'll pass.

Okay with you?

It's okay with him.

If it's okay with him,
it's okay with me.
Good night, Lieutenant.

Good night, sir.

Not bad.

Not bad at all.

(BELL DINGING)

JONATHAN: New York.

Average rating 5.4,
average share 9.3.

Los Angeles, a little worse.
You want the numbers?

No, and I don't want
a hatpin in the ear, either.

We should probably get
the nationals by tomorrow.

All right, it comes
with the territory, Junior.

KAY: Wendy,
you still on Flanagan?

He's been out all day.
I'll keep trying.

What time did the carousel
location wrap up last night?

They didn't.

Get me that genius Benjamin.

(COLUMBO STRIKING A MATCH)

Lieutenant.

You're working rather late
tonight, aren't you?

Yes, madam.

Working late like
a television executive.

That's a very impressive
desk, madam.

You could run the world
from a desk like that.

The world doesn't count.
Just the West Coast.

Through for the day, madam?

No. Not quite.

Mr. McAndrews,

he wasrt married?

He wasrt married.

Was he ever married, madam?

I don't know.

Engaged?

Engaged?

Engaged, madam.

I don't know.

What about women?

Did he run around a lot?

MADGE: Kay.

Can I help you?

Yes, I'll be moving
in here tomorrow.

Would you please
call the beach location
and let them know

that I'm coming
out there tonight?
And then that would be all.

Okay. Good night.

I was asking, madam,
if he ran around
with a lot of women.

I don't know.

He must've had companions.

Would you say

that women found
Mr. McAndrews attractive?

I'm sure
his secretaries did.

You, personally,
did you find him
attractive?

Yes,

Mark was
a very attractive man,

in his way.

You're an attractive man,
in your way, too.

I guess
I told you that.

Yes, madam.

Please sit down.

Now, I ask people questions
and they answer.

Now, I ask them
the same question
another time

and they answer
in a different way.

That's not because
they're lying, madam.

I know that
and I appreciate that.

There's been a death.

People are in shock,
confusion.

People misremember.

They misspeak themselves.

Have I said something wrong?

Well, let's go all over again.

You said you knew nothing
about how Mr. McAndrews
spent his nights.

That had nothing
to do with you?

Mmm-hmm.

Sometimes we dined together
if we worked late.

And dates, girls.

Maybe somebody he lived with.

We never asked each other.

Well, that holds
with what you said before.

But I'm surprised, madam.

And I don't mind telling you,
I find it all very troubling.

Because I was
at Mr. McAndrews'
house yesterday.

The beach house.

And some cleaning
was delivered,

some slacks and this blazer.

And that's the problem, madam.

This blazer.

You see, I noticed
that the buttons are
on the wrong side.

It buttons right over left,

the wrong side
for a mars jacket that is,

because this is
a womars blazer.

There's a tailor's
label in it.

And I checked on that.
This jacket was made for you.

It's your jacket.

Would you like to try it on,
madam?

No.

Well, since you were sending
your cleaning out

from Mr. McAndrews' house,

I can only assume...

All right, Lieutenant.

You've done very good work.
You've caught me in a lie.

I would say so, madam, yes.

Well, the corporation being
what it is,

Mark and I didn't feel
it would be very discrete

to advertise
our relationship.

Now, you can understand
that, can't you?

Yes, madam,
I can understand that.

But being discrete
with the police,
that's something else again.

Is it so really important
to the police?

Well, you might have been able
to tell us things.

Now, we're gonna have
to talk about that.

All right.

I'm due on location now,

so perhaps we can talk
about it later on tomorrow.

As you say,
you're not racing
the clock and I am.

I guess
another day won't make
that much difference.

And I promise not to
change my address

or renew my passport
or leave town

or ever tell another lie.

Well, you werert even
under oath, madam.

But what we have here,

it's a matter
of civic responsibility.

All the way down, madam?

All the way down.

I mean, if everybody kept
their little secrets
from the police,

we'd be forever getting
to the bottom of our cases.

My goodness.

I'm not supposed
to do this in the elevator.

Excuse me?

I was talking about
cooperation, madam.

I had a case once.
A man was cheating on his wife

and he was
a very important witness,

but he was afraid to tell me.

I understand.

I hope you do, madam.

I apologize, Lieutenant.
I hope you forgive me.

Well, it's not
my place, madam.

Oh, just so we have
a meeting of minds.

Oh, about that note,
the one that was
on Mr. McAndrews' desk.

The one with
all the numbers on it,

the 450, the 280,
the 230, the 250.

Nothing to worry about, madam.

It came to me. Those were
just some automobile models,

different kinds
of Mercedes cars.

So I guess, Mr. McAndrews,
he must have been in
the market for a new car.

Arert you coming, madam?

No, there's a phone call
I forgot to make.

Good night, Lieutenant.

Good night, madam.

(GRUNTING)

(GROANING)

(ELEVATOR BELL RINGS)

Good night.

GUARD: Miss Freestone,

a young fellow from
the agency left it.

I was supposed
to give you these.

I don't know anything
about it.

(ENGINE STARTING)

(TIRES SQUEALING)

(TIRES SCREECHING)

(CAROUSEL MUSIC PLAYING)

KAY: This...

And this.

And these two pages.

It only hurts
for a little while, boys.

And they'll never miss
what they don't know.

Now, at least you're back
on schedule for tonight.

Where's the AD?

Kay, got a minute for me?

Mr. Flanagan. Of course.

All right if we
sit in the car?

If you like.

Oh, Carl.

Does this bother you?

No, not at all.

I want to talk about
some of the difficulties
you've been having.

Valerie Kirk.

I understand she's
a close personal friend.

Yes, that's true.

I also understand that
her director tried to warn you
about her incompetence.

That's also true.

Well, we'll put that aside.

The decision to use
The Professional

as a replacement
for Valerie's show,

I'm sure you know
the ratings were very poor.

Well, under
the circumstances...

Well, you created
the circumstances.

Now, Kay,

nobody knows better than you
that The Professional cost us
$1,600,000,

including a second run.

Now, you wasted the first one.

You threw away
an impressive film.

I was under the impression
that you didn't like
that film at all.

You had no right
to make an assumption
about what I like.

We'll... We'll
put that aside, too.

I've also been told
that you're...

You're planning to...

To move into Mark's
office tomorrow.

Why not?

I'll be needing more space.

The office comes with the job.

But you don't, Kay.

Nobody ever told you
that your present duties
were permanent.

Also, I question your taste

in leaping so quickly
behind a dead mars desk.

Well, I seem to have made
quite a big hit.

All in all.

Now, you don't have to rush
looking for a new position.

We'll, let's say,
make it official
at the end of the month?

I'll try to consult you
in the press release.

Do you expect hysterics?

I hope not.

I'm as tough as you are.

I'll survive.

And you'll want me back.

I hope so.

(ENGINE STARTING)

Let's go to
the party, Carl.

MAN: Dinner break,
one half hour, folks.

(CAROUSEL MUSIC CONTINUES)

Excuse me.

I'm looking for
Miss Freestone.

Search me.
We're on dinner break.

(CAROUSEL MUSIC
PLAYING LOUDLY)

Miss Freestone!

COLUMBO ON T. V:
Miss Freestone,
madam, are you here?

Miss Freestone.

We're very busy
where I am, Lieutenant.

You're going to
have to forgive me.
We have problems.

Too many problems
to speak now.

KAY ON SPEAKER: So I'm sorry,
you'll have to forgive me.

I can't speak right now,
Lieutenant.

Oh, I get it.

The cameras.

Oh, you're up
in that control place.

You can see me
on those big screens?

I'm right.
You can see me.
Right, madam?

Lieutenant, can we speak
tomorrow at the office?

No, I... I'll call you.

I definitely promise
I'll do that, Lieutenant.
I'll call you.

Well, it's very important
that we talk tonight, madam.

I'm afraid that's impossible.

I'm afraid
I'll have to insist, madam.
I really have to do that.

I can't accept that.

I can't speak now!

Please bear with me, madam.

It has to do with the car.

The 450SL,
the silver one that's
registered in your name.

The one that
Mr. McAndrews bought. That's
all very puzzling, madam.

And there are other things.

There's your picture,
The Professional,

and this connection
with whoever murdered
Mr. McAndrews.

And there is a connection.
I'm pretty sure of that,
madam.

I'm afraid it's necessary.

I know you're under
a lot of pressure, madam,

but there are these things
that we should talk
about tonight.

I don't like to have to talk
to you this way, madam.

I know how you feel.

But it's very hard
not being able to see you.

(KAY SCREAMING)

madam?

I told you
I have work to do,
Lieutenant.

This show needs a lot of work.

The script needs work.

madam,

like I asked you before,
this new job you got,

would you have it
if Mr. McAndrews hadrt
been murdered?

No.

I already told you,
I don't think so.

I don't think so either.

Is that why he
bought you the car?

Sort of a parting gift
considering your relationship,

like he was
getting rid of you?

I find that very intrusive,
Lieutenant.

And I don't think
you have a right.

Oh, I have the right, madam.

But I understand
your feelings.

Please, keep bearing
with me, madam.

Sit down.

You know,
maybe it was fate.

But I came within 30 seconds

of not seeing your
TV movie The Professional.

But I did see it, madam.

And I noticed
something very peculiar.

So peculiar that I
had the projectionist
run it again today.

And that Technical Director
that I met,

he made this up for me
on television tape.

It's your movie, madam.

The part where the fella's
in the hotel room and he's
gonna shoot himself.

Now, the Technical Director
told me

that there would be
an eject button, blue.

Yes.

And a slot right here.

And an RT button one.

Here.

There it is madam.

(MOOD Y JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING)

Now, we'll just
watch this together, madam.

There it is now, there.

There he is.
He's by the sink.

And there he's washing.

There, right there,
you see the flash?

Yes, Lieutenant,
it's a cue blip.

And now the second one.

There. There's
the second cue.

Now that's the cue
for the projectionist
to make his changeover.

Am I right, Miss Freestone?

Yes, Lieutenant,
I'm very impressed.

Excuse me, madam.
I don't mean to interrupt.

Right there, that high shot
where the mars lying
on the hotel bed.

That's where
the new reel begins.

Just watch it, madam.

(GUN FIRING ON T. V.)

And there, that's where
the man commits suicide.

And that's what
the projectionist saw

right after he got back
from the shipping room.

That's what Mr. Mearhead
told me.

He came back into the booth,
looked up and he saw
a man blowing his brains out.

You had to make the changeover

right before
Mr. Mearhead got back
from the shipping room.

Not a few minutes earlier,

not sometime before,

like he thought.

I'm afraid, in this case,

Walter must be confused,
Lieutenant.

He checked
the footage counter
before he left.

You must've fooled him
about that, madam.

What I think,

I think you changed
the footage counter

to place yourself
in the projection booth
at the time of the murder.

But really, madam,

you had time enough
to leave the booth and get
to Mr. McAndrews' office.

Just enough time.

Because when you rushed back
to make the changeover,

that's when you must've
dropped this glove

by the projector.

It's Walter's glove.

Walter's projection booth.

I don't think you have
a case against Walter.

No, madam. Not the way
he kept that booth,
so immaculate and all.

I don't see him
just throwing a glove
on the floor.

And the lab says
that this glove has
powder burns on it.

And then there's the gun.

Mr. McAndrews' gun,

the gun that murdered him.

The one that you put
on the elevator.

Our people found it
this afternoon.

And then we took a second gun,

one that looked like this gun

and we put it
back on the elevator.

But we put it
where it could be seen

as if the continuous movement
of the elevator had jiggled it

so now it became visible.

Watch this, madam.

That's a TV picture of where
we placed the second gun,

just before you got on
the elevator with me, madam.

There it is. Now, there...

That's the way it looked

right after you got back on
the elevator and came off it.

And you'll notice,

there is no gun.

Not anymore.

Because you got rid of it.

But this gun...

This is the gun that
you murdered him with.

I see.

I'm sure you do, madam.

It's very odd.

They say there's
a great sense of relief

that comes when
something like this is over.

I don't feel that at all.

Quite the opposite.

Will you be taking me?

Yes, madam, into town.
After that...

After that, I think
I know what will happen.

I'll fight.

I'll survive.

I might even win.

Yes, madam.

Should we turn this off,
madam?

It doesn't matter.

Yes, madam,
the power shortage.

I think I know
the right button.

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