Original subtitles

o, no, you're not wrong

That really is a maniacal killer clown

trying to smash my head in with a brick on a stick

So how did I find myself in this situation? You ask

Well, for that I'm gonna need to take you back

You ever been on holiday

and you're just trying to drink in some sunshine,

knock back a beer or 12,

only to have your own little slice of Shangri-la drowned out

by a gyrating colony of gurning pillheads?

Well, I have

I blame those iPod shuffling DJ dickheads like this one here

Can I have some noise?

These spirals are fucking shit Give me something better, something bigger

Don't think that's a good idea, boss

There's too much gas pressure It could be dan

Do it now DJ Remy doesn't like to be kept waiting

Whatever

- We're good to go - The fucking time

Who's ready for some big bands?

Can we have a liftoff? In three, two, one

So when this particular DJ dickhead's promoter

decided to put a bounty on his head

because he signed with the competition,

I was more than happy to oblige

Yeah, it's a dirty job

But in case you've forgotten

I'm happy to get my hands

bleeding filthy for the right price

And if there's one thing I think we can all agree on,

is that some arseholes really do deserve to die

Needed to keep my head down after what happened back in London

So I grabbed my fake passports, and dicky credit cards, rode straight to Heathrow

and hopped on the first flight to anywhere,

which turned out to be Malta,

which was great for a bit of the old soul searching

I've got to confess, though,

I was a bit pissed off when I found out

that Maltesers weren't even from here,

and they don't even bleedin' sell 'em

This is Malta!

Which is bullshit

But, that aside, I bloody love this little Mediterranean jam

The sun always shines The beer flows freely

And with the Middle East, Europe, and North Africa just a puddle jump away,

I can bump someone off in Dubai,

and be back home before match of the day starts

♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

♪ Aa, aa, aa, aa ♪

Oh, okay

I had a feeling it was going to be tonight

So let's fucking have it!

Good Yeah

Whoa, whoa, whoa, Jesus Christ,

it's a brand new TV, it is still okay! Hold it!

Still got eight episodes of Bake Off to watch

- Hiyah! - Flamingo!

Flamingo, flamingo!

Jesus Christ, Siu-ling!

You're paid to smash me up, but not the apartment

I mean, look at the state of this place It's a rotten mess

You need to say the safe word sooner

if you want me to stop You think I can read

your mind or something?

You stupid!

This is Siu-ling

Now she might look pretty sweet and innocent at first glance

But, as you can see, she's got some serious anger management issues,

and a right bloody sting in her tail

Add to this, she's probably

the best martial artist I've ever tangled with

Hey, get off me!

I first met her when she was

a waitress at the local dive bar

Now, apparently, she grew up

on the main streets of Hong Kong

and is a descendant of the great Wong Fei-hung

Skilled in more martial disciplines than I've had hot dinners

If she gets out of the wrong side of bed in the morning,

there's no telling what damage she's capable of

Excuse me

How much they're paying you here?

Wanna a raise?

I don't speak Cantonese

What are you saying? Say it in English

Motherfucker!

You need to speak up, Fallon You know the deal

You don't say "Flamingo," I don't stop

And I thought we agreed, right, no nut shots

Do you remember that? Well, what did you do?

You tried to put them up into orbit And what else did you do?

You smashed the bleeding vase off my pots

Look at the bloody TV You're out of your mind?

Defense, you idiot! You need to defend yourself at all times

Don't touch me

Well, look, you're going to have to help me clean this place up,

because I can't do it on my own, haven't got time

What? You clean it yourself

I'm not your maid I'm not here

to clean your dirty sheets

I come here to fight That's it!

Now, where is my money, gweilo?

Fine

Good, fine

Probably see you middle of next week, then, yeah?

Maybe Or maybe you'll see me sooner

You never know Bye-bye

I gotta be honest I lost my fair share of sleep

over what I did to my mates back in England

I sometimes wonder if me taking a weekly kicking from Siu-ling

isn't just another training session and more like me paying penance

for all that guilt I'm holding on to

Get the fuck out of my pub

Ah, well, that was then This is now

I'm better off alone anyway

It's me, myself, and fucking I from now on

No mates, no birds,

no disgruntled assassin father figure,

and no one to let me down or get in my way

- Just leave - Let go of me!

Ge get his legs

Someone Leave me alone!

Fred?

Fry tonight!

Shit

Looks like you pissed down the wrong alley, Fred

Mike! What are you doing here?

- I think you're right - Come on

Oh!

Lucky you turned up when you did

- I was just about to do the other two - Yeah, looked like it

So why don't you tell me what you're doing in the middle

of Malta, Fred? Setting people on fire?

Oh, did you clock that cheeky little gizmo I came up with?

- Yeah, it was all right, that - That meathead got toasted

Yeah Then the other two started kicking the shit out of you

Very smooth that was, mate So what are you doing back there?

Getting handsy with the birds or something?

No, nothing like that

I was looking for someone

Looking for someone? Eh, you're looking for me

- Did Big Ray send you? - No!

I didn't even know you was here I

- Don't you be lying to me, Fred - No, for good

I, I don't speak to Big Ray no more

Nobody does

- Ain't you heard? - Heard what?

Ray lost the Oasis

No one wanted to hire us after you killed Milton and all the others

It's funny, but people stop calling

when your firm gets a reputation

for lobbing off the heads of its clients

Don't guilt trip me on that one All right, Fred?

Pete and Milton had it coming

And, well, the rest of them

didn't give me much choice, did they?

You you could have handled it a little bit better

Probably right

- So Big Ray must be fuming then, yeah? - Well, you could say that

I don't know where your head was at that time,

but I think I'm beginning to understand it a bit better

Mike

I have fallen in love

- You what? - Yes

I'm in love I met this girl

She's the most beautiful girl in the world

She's like an angel

Her name is Leylo

Oh

Pretty Where'd you meet her?

Well, that's it Technically, I haven't actually met her yet,

but we've been chatting online

Internet, Fred My God, you have changed

Yeah Finally plucked up the courage to go online

and Leylo emails me back the very next day

Oh, just out of the blue like that, was it?

Well, that's how love works, right?

It's a scam, mate

That's what Big Ray said, and you're both wrong

It's a bloody scam I bet she asked you for money, didn't she?

- What makes you say that? - Because it's a bleedin' scam, you dope

Tell me you didn't give her any, please

Oh, you bloody well did, didn't you? You stupid tit

All right, come on

We've got to get you out of there before the cops turn up

Eh, downstairs, mate

We've got the games room, Jacuzzi down there,

bedrooms over there,

foosball, pool, satellite TV,

all you need

Lovely, Mike

You always did like nice, shiny things

Ah, you know me, mate I'll tell you what, though

You should have seen it the other day It was a right bloody mess

God, I really need to invest in a sponge coffee table

[And shrieks]

Shitzer, this ain't the time

What the hell? You brought backup

- Stop it! - Argh!

I will kill you

Flamingo! Flamingo!

Argh!

Flamingo!

Jesus Christ

Hasn't been a week already, has it? Aah

No, but you did so poorly last time,

I thought you needed extra training

Thankfully, just a coffee table

was the only casualty this time

Oh! And you're a guest, eh, Fred?

What the bloody hell is going on?

Who is this?

Siu-ling, this is my old mate, Fred

Fred, meet Siu-ling

Oh, sorry I, I thought he brought you in to even up the odds

Nice to meet you, Fred

I'm a bit confused here

Is she a mate or is she trying to kill you?

A little bit of both actually

Um, Siu-ling helps me decompress

after a decent shift, if you know what I mean

Fallon is a good martial artist

He trains with me and I make him better

Look, uh,

me and Fred have got a bit of catching up to do,

so, um, I'll tell you what,

call that one a draw, and I'll see when it's time for the next ruck, yeah?

Sorry about your face, Fred

Oh, that's all right

Nice to meet you

See you

Listen, you can stay here tonight

'cause the police are probably scouring the streets

looking for a little pudgy specky tosser

with the pocket flame thrower

But, after that, you're gone

There's no need to be like that, Mike

I'm looking for Leylo, my lover

- And I could really do with your help - She's a scam, mate, right?

She's a scam which only lonely bastards like you fall for How much did you pay her?

Fifty grand, give or take

Fifty grand, you stupid twit!

She needed it for the visas

and the plane tickets

She got on a flight from Haiti,

and she hasn't been seen since,

until one of my old stool pigeons saw her in a club over here

Luckily, you were there to help me out

Lucky, my asshole, mate I get the feeling that this is a bad bleedin' omen

An omen is somewhere in between opportunity and wisdom, Michael

Look, I ain't got time for this, all right?

I'm behind on a job, and I, I need to get my head around it

Well, let me have a butchers

A problem shared is a problem halved

I might be able to help you out

Meet Mr McEllif

A self-professed hermit

Never leaves the house, nor day or night,

but he does, however, water his lovely flowers

once a day at noon without fail

Didn't take Fred long to tap into his high-tech security system

Let's see if this works

Bleedin' hell!

That couldn't have gone any better

Did you see the way his head bounced along, along my balls?

Oh, mate, that was exquisite

Cheers! It's great to be back in the saddle again

- Hmm - So, anything else in the pipeline that you need me?

- Well - Hang on a minute, Fred

I didn't say you could stay

But we make a good team

Well, I've been pretty busy lately

You know what, it turns out there's more people

that need killing in this corner of the world

than I can keep up with

So I can stay then, Mike

How could I mind? I mean, look at him

I wouldn't trust most people as far as I could frame,

but Fred's as honest as the day is long

Well, as honest as any killer can be

- All right You can stay, for a bit - Yes!

And don't you be telling Big Ray

- Of course not -'Cause you know what's going to happen

if he finds out we're working together again

- He wouldn't be happy, would he? - No

All right, cool It looks like you're gonna have

to get your test pilot cap on again, mate,

because you're gonna need to sing for your supper

- How about poison nuts? - Mm

Here we go then, mate

Yes

♪ It's a romance It's a fine bromance ♪

♪ The boys are back in town ♪

♪ It is a beautiful thing It's real cool thing ♪

♪ Buddies won't let you down ♪

♪ Every day is Christmas Forever holidays ♪

♪ The boys are back in town ♪

♪ Always happy hour The bar never closes ♪

♪ Buddies won't let you down ♪

Flamingo! Flamingo!

I need to get some sleep, don't I?

♪ times are here to stay ♪

♪ I would not have it any other way ♪

♪ Sun's over shining Impeccable timing ♪

♪ You know that every cloud has a silver lining ♪

♪ You're always up with a crack I know ♪

I can't believe I'm going to say this,

but for the first time, in a very long while,

if you saw my face, you might actually think I was happy

Life was turning out to be pretty sweet

Having Fred around was decent

We were as thick as thieves again,

and taking down marks like they were going out of fashion

Come on Just think of that lovely, happy tingling

Oh, fuck!

Please, no, Mike You cut up on a bit of fun

I thought I was gonna actually have to chug him

He was a very good kisser, though

♪ You're always up with a crack ♪

- Nice one - ♪ I know you've got my back ♪

With business booming, and Fred wanting to test his new game plan

somewhere a bit more private, we found a nice little pad,

decided to drop a few quid on an HQ

Well, kind of

This is the shambles, as Fred started calling it

after one too many failed test runs, which was apt really,

because it's also an English term for a slaughterhouse

- This is our lab - I think we're rolling

Where he trials all of his new techniques

and where I can have a bash of seeing

if they're actually going to work in the real world

Come on, Fred

Oh, yes! Yes!

Whoa, what a shot!

Nice one, mate

- Ready? - I'm ready

Three, two, one

Give yourself a bit Move back

- All right Ready, then? - Yeah

Three, two, one Go

Ooh! Oh!

Ooh

Oh, shit

Blow it out, Fred

Fred, the fire extinguisher's back here

Fred, there's a fire extinguisher

Just get out of the way! Move out of the way!

Whoa-ho!

I told you there was a fire extinguisher over there

You want to set the whole place on fire?

Her tits are hanging out

Oh, yeah

Yeah, I think that's it

Yeah?

Filming then, Fred? Yeah?

Ready? This is how you separate the men from the boys

Three, two, one

Oh, fuck me

Now, why is it not working?

The flame's on Why is it not working?

Might be all right on bonfire night,

but as an accident

Oh, shut up, Fred

Flipping hell I'm gonna have to find the receipt now

You could always use it to strip paint

Fuck off!

One, two,

three

I told you it wasn't gonna work

No pain, no gain, eh, mate

I don't understand it

I calibrated that trigger perfectly

It's slapdash, Fred, right, like, most of the things

you come up with Some of them are good

Most of them, like this one over here, they're shit

It's like those suits over there Be honest with me, Fred

You really think that they're going to work?

They will work

I've whittled the detonating cable down to a fine thread,

and put it into the seams

I put C4 flakes in the lining,

a blasting cap in one of the buttons,

and a receiver in the other button

- So you have to do is dial it in - Fred

- And boom - Fred, it's not gonna work, okay?

It's not going to get the yield It's gonna singe him a little bit at best

Come on Please

Wait a minute

I think we got a job coming in

Oh, yeah?

Wha

Have a butchers

Reject that right now

Why?

Never bite the hand that feeds you, mate

And what hand might that be?

You ever heard of the Zuuzer?

- No - No? Well, you bloody well should have done

Mean as fuck

Old Testament Cosa Nostra

Headed up by some nutbag witch

with a reputation as severe as a hairline

Proper wrath of Hades stuff that, mate

So a mix of Cosa Nostra and ancient Greek

- Don't sound ideal to me - No, it ain't, but, uh,

pays the bills, doesn't it? See that lad there?

That is Mrs Zuuzer's reprobate kid

Mm Talk about making a rod for your own back

I'll tell you what Whoever accepts that job

has got brass balls bigger than their brains

I'd be surprised if anyone touches that

So you want me to reject it then?

Absolutely Get rid of it

Flamingo Flamingo

Coffee, Fred?

Oh, yes, please

Can I have one as well?

Did that sort out your postmurder tension?

You know something?

We'd get a lot more jobs done

if you didn't have to have a ruck after every shift

Can't you just crack one out and be done with it?

I tried that, though, Fred, it doesn't work

I spit in yours

Ow

Thanks

Pretty girl

She's the love of my life, Siu-ling

She's gone missing

Missing? Where?

I wish I knew

Then she wouldn't be missing

I had a friend like her She went missing too

But she eventually turned up working in some dirty sex club against her will

That would never happen to me

A friend of mine thought he saw her in a place like that

I know someone who helps girls like that

- I will ask around - Really, Siu-ling? That would be brilliant

Her name is Leylo,

- and she is - A bleedin' scam is what she is

Oh, bollocks!

I will help if I can, Fred

Thanks, Siu-ling

- Nice one - See you later, pok kai, guys

You let her beat you up then, yeah?

Nah, nah, she's legit, mate, right? Eyes in the back of her head

And she knows about eight different forms of animal kung fu

It's like having a scrap in a zoo

You are allowed to forgive yourself, you know that

- What? - For what happened in London

You're carrying all that guilt

You wanna let go of it

Otherwise you'll drown in it

Uh, I'll tell you what

The only thing I'm guilty of is being stupid enough

to get back into business with you

- If that rubber ducky here doesn't pay off - It'll work

Yeah? Well, make sure it does, 'cause we're leaving in an hour

It's all primed and ready to go

Good

Miserable bastard

- Hello - Evening, sir

Sorry to bother you I, I was just wondering if you knew

in which city King Edgar of England

was crowned back in 973 A D

What the fuck was that?

Ow What the the bloody hell's going on?

Where are we?

So you are the famed

Accident Man?

No, mate

I think you might have me confused with somebody else

Where were you last Thursday night?

Last Thursday night

Oh, yeah, that's right

Watching your mom try not to swallow a tongue, I think

You fucking mule!

We made you and your knickyknacky very wealthy

Show some respect

Knickyknacky?

Jesus Christ, mate Is that all you've got?

Okay

- This is fun to you, no? - Yeah, it's pretty funny, mate,

'cause you hit like a bleedin' Teletubby

There you go, mate That's it

Get stuck in, why don't you? Come on!

Enough with this toxic masculinity

We know exactly who you are,

since one of my loyal soldiers sacrificed himself

so that we may draw you out

Hang on a minute

You let one of your own team members die

just to get a face-to-face with me?

I'm flattered

I have to hand it to you both

That bathtub ploy was ingenious

Oh, you liked that, yeah?

Fred's idea that was

Quite innovative

Just another day at the office, Mrs

Zuuzer

Oh, fuck Mike?

- Wrath of Hades - That's right, mate Yeah

I take it by your friend's palpitations

that you are aware of our reputation

We know who you are

Good for you

And how about this little gentleman?

Do you know who he is?

Spoiled little runt by the looks of it

Unfortunately, you are not far from the truth

This is my son Dante

He was raised well,

educated in the finest schools,

tutored in the ways of the world

But with all that behind him, he still managed to spiral

into this pathetic drug-addled delinquent mess

you see before you now

- I love you too, Mama - Quiet!

So you two have never seen him before?

Never

Dante has decided

to rinse his premium breeding,

and doors I've opened for him into the gutter,

all in the name of following some quixotic dream

of becoming a pop star

Something he is adamant he can achieve,

even though he has the voice of a snared animal

Mama, how dare you?

Quiet! Or I'll have you gagged and whipped

♪ But don't pay 'cause it might ♪

Every night he defies me, getting paralytic,

snorting cocaine out of whores' backsides,

and raping everyone's ear drums

To salt the wounds of all of his filthy dispositions,

Dante also smokes

It was that vulgar addiction, which last week proved problematic

Dante's team escorts him outside the karaoke bar

every 12 minutes, so he may poison his lungs

along with the rest of his eroding innards

I told you smoking would be the death of you, didn't I?

Yeah, well, before you said it was

when I kept kissing the cat on the mouth

This

was no accident

Although it was played out to look like one

Something of your speciality

Our people look into it

They tell us the gas pipe was tampered with in that sewer

Wasn't me

That job did come in, but,

- but we rejected it - Yeah, we did

Was it last Thursday, you say?

We got an alibi

That was your birthday, wasn't it, mate?

- Twenty-one again - That's right

Actually, I think we were in one of your clubs, to be honest

Your security cameras can probably clear us

Coincidence, huh?

What's the name of that club again, Fred?

The Sparkling Clap

Sparkling Clown That was it Yeah

Even sounds like a bloody yeast infection

You know the one, the one with the big heifer singing on the stage

Your missus, I'm guessing

Ow

You all right, mate?

Hurt yourself, did you? Bloody hell

You really are all flash and no bash

So I guess that puts you in the clear

- I think so, yeah - For now

It would seem that a spineless corporate CEO out of Scandinavia

has put out a contract on my son

We never thought anyone would be stupid enough to

And since you are a very capable contractor,

only someone like you would have the skills to find out who this assassin is

I need you to hunt down whoever that may be,

and I want you to kill them

I'd rather lick a crackhead's scabby elbow

Very well If you do not, we will kill your friend

What?

Go on, kill him then I don't give a shit

Don't test my resolve, Mr Fallon

- Oh, please crack on I couldn't care less - Ah

This joke's been doing my head in for years

You know what? You'd be doing me a favor

Go on, mate, do him

Mike! No Why?

Armando, on tre

Uno

Due

- Tre - All right, fine, fine I'll do it for triple the faith

You'll do it for his life This is simple

Intercept and kill whoever is trying to take my figlio from me,

and you can have your concubine back

What the fuck does that mean?

Yeah Cheers, lads

Much as I'd like to cut my losses

and get the hell out of here,

I couldn't do that to Fred

And, you know, what makes this whole situation even more weird

is that botched hit did have me written all over it

What the bleeding hell am I gonna do? I need a pint

How'd you find me, Ray?

- Listen, Ray - You know what really twist my knickers?

You put your faith in a foreign boozer, just like this one

who claim to serve a classic full English breakfast

and they end up serving you pig swill like this

Take this bugger

Yeah?

Looks decent enough

And you trust that it's gonna be wholesome, nutritious,

tasty as fuck

But then you dig a little deeper beneath the surface

and actually take a bite

and you realize

it's a treacherous, classless, fucking let down

just like you

But I'm ravenous, so c'est la vie

I heard that you've got a nice little earner guy around down here

I don't know what you mean, Ray

Dear, Ray, I hope you're well

I just wanted you to know that I'm doing okay

So no need to worry, me and Mike

- For fuck's sake - And to be fair to Fred,

he didn't actually say where here was

But that numpty jots his note down on a napkin

from the Black Bull bar, Valletta

Oh, it's just a side thing we got going on down there

It's not like we're breaking the bank or anything

P S We are breaking the bank!

Well, you know what Fred's like, right? He exaggerates

Nothing we've got going on down here

- is going to bother you - Bother me?

You having a laugh?

You have bothered me No, scratch that

You fucking ruined me

Do you think anyone would hire us after what you did?

No need to answer that 'cause the answer is a fucking obvious no!

You left me with five fifths of fuck all

And to think

that you had the stones to start contracting again

You destroyed what took me decades to build

For that

you're gonna pay

Well, I'll pay for your full English, then, shall I?

You're gonna pay for more than that

You brought me out of retirement

I'm actually down here for a gig

And the fact that here happens to be Malta

and I can "catch up" with me mates

it's actually a little brucie bonus

It was you, wasn't it?

Eh, that botch Zuuzer kid job?

That was you, right?

Not like you to miss, Ray

Yeah, well, like I said, a bit rusty

Made mistakes like I did back in London

Should've just shot the cunt

Old school

Listen, Ray, you need to bail on this Zuuzer kid job, right?

They thought it was me that tampered with that gas line 'cause you tried

to make it look like an accident

Now they've got Fred held hostage

Anything happens to that kid, they're going to kill Fred

Well, that's not my problem, is it?

He's your mate now, not mine

- Come on - You both made that abundantly clear

I don't know why you took the job in the first place

Anyway, if you've done your due diligence,

you would've known why we passed on it

Why everybody fucking passed on it

He's the heir to the Zuuzer family, for God's sakes

Well, a mark's a mark, a job's a job

And I ain't scared of any crime family from the arse end of nowhere

- You should be - Well, I fucking ain't

There was a time

when we didn't give two shits who the mark was?

- Well, that was before your little hissy fit - The only thing you need

to give a shit about right now is Mrs Zuuzer,

'cause she will slit Fred's throat if you don't call off this hit

You haven't heard, have you?

- Heard what? - Well, the client has upped the bounty by

fucking loads

I ain't the sole contractor anymore

What are you talking about? To who?

Everyone worth their salt

Criminal crop just landed on Maltese soil

- You're fucking joking - Called us all in for a briefing

I can't remember a client ever being arrogant enough to do that

But I guess money talks

Pays 50 grand just to turn up in person

One by one, uh, step up,

load our bank details into the computer

It's a massive nine million euros

to the lucky sod who gets the job done

That's 7,675,056 pounds sterling in real money

We're talking about who would you say?

Oyumi wasn't there, was he?

Oh, he was there

Yeah

So, no need to kill personally on this one, eh,

'cause Oyumi is a bona fide fucking ninja

If he's seen your name, you won't see him coming

So looks like Fred's fucked,

because if I don't do it, you can rest assured one of the others will

Ray, please, you need to help me with this one

I ain't helping you with fuck all

So stay out of my way

And when I've snuffed out this little runt,

we'll get back to what you owe me

Whatever we've got going on can wait because

What's that?

It turns out that little twerp

has already got a fucking tracking device on him

Client's sending over the link now

So you better get your skates on

'Cause there's a proper game on

♪ Let's slip off to a sand dune ♪

♪ Real soon ♪

♪ Kick up a little dust ♪

♪ Come on ♪

♪ We gotta see some more friends ♪

♪ At a party, tucked away ♪

You prick!

♪ Come on till the ♪

Oi, turn the music off Get him off the stage

What are you doing here?

Easy, lads I come in peace We're all on the same team

But you need to get him out of here quick

We don't need your help, you English prick

Yeah, you do actually, mate, 'cause this tone-deaf joke's got a tracking device on him

There's a gaggle of assassins about to turn up, kill every last one of you

Of course he has, you idiota It's in his watch

How else do you think we keep track of him, huh?

He had it since he was a bambino

Look, it's a burning fuse now, mate

You need to get rid of it Ditch it

Oh!

Who the fuck do you think you are, eh, dickhead?

You're the fucking hired help

This watch, eh, is a classic, one of a kind

I would die before I take it off

So you fucking arsehole

- Take the watch and destroy it - What the fuck did I just

- Good call - Who the fuck do you all think you are?

Last shot I mean, you fucking

Aah!

Oh! Problem is solved

Freya Du Preeze, the Angel of Death

Recruited in Johannesburg by Interpol,

and trained in the dark arts by those who think James Bond is a Muppet

Freeze

You got to stop it

- Freya - Fallon

- Been a while - More like five years I reckon

Russia, wasn't it?

You stole that dirty politician from here

I know what it's like

First come, first served

Hmm I've always respected you, Fallon

You're a damn good assassin

But there was a choice between killing you

or nine million in my bank

I'm afraid that's no choice at all

This one's personal to me, Freya

So as a professional courtesy,

I'll need to ask you to fuck off

I can't fuck off

But I can fuck you up

Okay, Freya

Really nice seeing you again

Maybe you should call it a day, don't you?

I see

Jesus Christ!

Well, move your fucking head then

No, please! Please

Please Please!

Oh, fuck

Oh, fuck!

What the fuck, what

Oh, God

What the fuck is going on?

Come here

Mr Fallon, do you have my son?

I've got him here Pretty proper kicked off back there,

and your entire security team got wasted

- Is he okay? - Oh, he's fine Yeah

Apart from the fact he just decided to swallow his own watch

So unless I cut it out of his guts, he's going to be a walking target

till he pinches off his next loaf

When was the last time you took a shit?

None of your business, cafone

Is that my mama? I want to talk to her

Mama

I need you to protect my son at all costs Do you understand?

Listen, right, I ain't a fucking babysitter, okay?

I'm a professional killer

And with all due respect, Mrs Zuuzer,

your son is an absolute squats Me and him ain't gonna jell

Mama, this asshole just punched me in the face

You don't need to get along

You just need to neutralize the threats and keep him alive

You're lucky I don't kill this prick myself

If you ever want to see your friend again, you won't make that mistake

Bring him back to me in one piece

Do we have a deal, Mr Accident Man?

All right, fine

Then it's done

- Come here - What are you doing?

Take me to my mama She's the only one who can protect me

Listen to me, you idiot Your mummy just hired me to protect you, okay?

So do as you're fucking told

You're, you're, you, you, you are a fucking ugly troll

Anybody ever tell you that, yeah?

You like a fucking melted Ben Affleck

I'm going to tell my mama how you treat me

You're going to pay for your actions

She knows exactly how to treat a man like you

And if you strike me one more

Jesus

What the fuck are you doing here

around the county to buy a fucking shampoo?

Shut up!

- Laxatives You got any? - Yeah

- Well, give it to me Come on, let's go - Here

- What the fuck are you doing, you - Shut up!

Ugh

You What the fuck you

In one end, out the other, eh, mate?

Just take me home, boy

You call me boy one more time, I swear to God, I'm gonna kill you myself, right?

And I'll worry about killing your old git of a mother when the time comes

- You understand? - Take me to my mama!

Take me to my mama! Take

- You got a backway out of this place? - Yeah There

Come here Let's go

- Keep moving! - Where's my mother?

Please, just give me five minutes I can't breathe

I've got asthma probably Please

- Hello, are you listening to me? - Oh, shut up! Shut up!

Now, this is the great Yendi

Born in Ghana, named after the town he was abandoned in

He sells himself as a soddin' vampire,

but essentially he's just a fucking butcher

This is Freya's blood!

Most of it

B positive

Always try to be, pal

Foolish boy,

B-positive is rare

Only about eight percent, but not the rarest

What type are you, Rocky?

Last time I checked, high bloody octane, mate

Please, kill him and my mama will make you rich

It does not work like that

It works the way I say it works

- Ow! - Stay there

I'm looking forward to killing him

But I will savor that one till I'm done with you

- Get up - Fuckin

This way Here

Fuck this!

Up there Get up there

- Get up there - Push me Fuck it

Let's do that Push me

- Fucking get up, you dum-dum - I'm fucking trying

Push!

- Use your arms, get up - I'm using my arms

Do you think I'm using my teeth?

I'm going to taste your blood

Help! Help!

Dum-dum, where are you?

There's a fucking maniac with an ax trying to kill me

- Somebody get - Hey! Oi!

Come here

All right, get in there

And you stay in there if you know what's good for you

- Look, I'm scared of this - It's okay

Let me know how this tastes

Nice and tasty?

AB negative

the rarest and finest of them all

What, me or you?

I am unique

At less than one percent

You are common dirty boy

Huh

Shall I finish you off then?

No

Go on, then

Off your pop

Oh Is he dead?

He is now

So what now, eh?

Eh, so what are we doing now, idiota?

Idiota I guess that that means idiot

Why don't we put that on the same list as "boy"?

I'm handling things Come here

Siu-ling, when you get this message, I need you to do me a favor

There's a karaoke bar off Strait Street I need you to pick up my bike

This whole place was drilled into the side of a cliff,

so these walls are as thick as my skull

I think it's gonna buy some time till we figure out what to do

with that homing beacon you swallowed

I see

I like what you've done with the place

You sit there

Right

That is for puke, piss, shit,

whatever else you feel like pushing out

Are you insane? I'm not going in a bucket

- I have rights - You lost your rights

when you decided to swallow that classic, you dimwit

And if you think I'm letting you out of my sight,

you need to think again

So anyway

I know your mom might think it's irrelevant to us, laymen,

but you mind explaining to me why five of the world's best assassins

are all lining up to take you out?

She must have pissed off some people in some very high places

Do you think of my mama ever tell me anything?

She's a tyrant with thugs and gangsters

So imagine what it's like growing up with her

It's like being raised by a fucking scorpion

Well, you think you had it bad?

You haven't got a clue, mate, right?

Imagine if the bloody Terminator was your surrogate father

You don't know who you're talking about

All I know is, nobody who ever crosses my mother,

crosses her twice

My mother is so mean,

even the Devil would send her soul back

- My mother - My mother Shut up!

Jesus Christ, I wish I hadn't flaming asked

Can I Can I have water please?

No

Please

Oh, I'm not safe with you

You are a magnet for psychos

Oh, I'm a magnet? No, no, no

I'm not the one with a GPS signal

wafting out of my arsehole, mate, that's you

You better hope that they don't get to me Otherwise, your friend

he's going bye-bye

Look, it's gonna be a very long day, okay?

And I don't particularly want to have to listen to you blathering on

You know what? I hear that your digestive system works

three times as fast once you're asleep So

Maybe you should get some kip

It's the middle of the day

I'm not tired yet

Oh, okay

Stunning, isn't it?

It's lovely

Fantastic

color palette

Saint Anthony

Performer of Miracles

Ah Oh, right

It is believed that back in the day

when Saint Anthony was walking the streets of Padua,

he saw a man fall from a tall tower

Saint Anthony commanded him to stop

and the man remained suspended in the air

His life was saved

That's very interesting

The reason I'm telling you this

is that if today

an annoying, bespectacled little man,

were to fall from a great height,

I don't know if Saint Anthony would be around

to perform such a miracle

I don't know quite what you mean

What she means, little man, is that we've lost Dante's signal

This isn't very good news for you

Mike'll get the job done

You don't know him like I do

Your faith in your partner is admirable

I can respect that

- But if your man does not bring back my boy to me - He will

He will

You better pray that he does, my little friend

This place ain't watertight And if this pillar

can't drop the kids off to the pool anytime soon,

we could get overrun

Oh, here we go

Looks like we have our first guest to the party

Thought you said it was a Flamingo situation and then you grabbed me

- What the hell! - I thought we said, no nut shots

And I told you to protect them at all times

- I found your bike by the karaoke club - Oof

Dude, did you get hit by a bum? Was that you?

Hey, hey, where you going?

What is this place?

Just somewhere me and Fred get a bit of work done

- Don't worry about it - You mean where you kill people?

I'm sorry, what?

You think I am stupid like you?

I know what you do

- Really? - Yes

All right

That doesn't bother you?

No I figured you only kill people who deserve it

Oh, yeah, yeah They, uh, they definitely all deserved it

Maybe I should join you

How about it, Fallon? You think I can kill someone?

You know what, Siu-ling?

With your temperament, yeah,

I think you probably could

But once you go down that road, there's, there's no coming back from it, all right?

I don't think you want to do that Let's go

Why?

Are you in trouble?

I'm a better fighter than you Let me help

You're not a better fighter than me

But you know what? You're a good friend

And even though all you seem to do is scream obscenities in my face

and knee me in the bollocks

I don't want to see you get hurt So come on

We need to go

Well, look who it is Silas, The San Francisco Strangler

Apparently, this Brad Pitt wannabe used to be a model,

but when a photographer made the fatal mistake of calling him fat,

Silas strangled him to death and has never looked back since

He's as vicious as a viper, with a grip like an anaconda

Bravo That was beautiful

- Is this pok kai a friend of yours? - We're not friends yet

- But it's a lovely day for it, isn't it? - Lovely day for what?

For choking overprivileged little piggies

None of those here, mate

We both know there's at least one

And I'm going to huff and puff

and strangle that little porky pig

You know what, man? I'm not sure that's how the rhyme goes

But why don't you do me a favor?

Take your flash ass mac and your shit jeans

and piss off before you get your head kicked in

Tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk

- I heard you were arrogant - I heard you were a throbbing twat

So I'm guessing both rumors were true

Now, now, there's no need for language like that

Which brings us back to Poco Poco, The Killer Clown

Now, they say he was born in a brothel

and is as tightly wound as a Jack in the Box

just one handle crank away from snapping

I thought this guy was supposed to be an urban myth,

but he looks pretty real to me

So now there's a clown

- I don't like clowns, Fallon - Uh

♪ Is it something I said? I knew she was dead ♪

♪ I could have just billed her Instead I just killed her ♪

♪ Oh, it's Poco Poco the Clown ♪

♪ Dee-dum, dee-dum dee-dum dee-dum ♪

♪ Bee-bumpy, bumpy bumpety-bum ♪

Bum!

- Oh, piss off, mate - Oh!

Well, cover me in honey and release the hounds

Do you know what I like to do with pesky little boys like you?

Beat them

Yeah, I bet you do, you weirdo

Shut up

Enough!

Get lost, clown

This is my prize

That's it

Adiós

And for you, you're dead

The same with your little girlfriend

But it won't be a swift death

Oh, no It'll be nice and sexy,

one where I really get to know her

You know the type, Fallon I'm going to take

a great

Well, that's one less horse in the race, eh, kids

So, where's the birthday boy?

I bet he's so excited that Poco's at his party

Ow! Ow! Ow!

You are a sneaky little thing, aren't you?

I think he broke my septum

Bitch!

I almost felt that

Yeah, I heard about your condition, you freak

Is that true, then?

You really can't feel any pain?

None whatsoever

Congenital insensitivity to pain

Isn't this one for the archives?

God

If, if you lick it, I'll let you squeeze my nerves

Ooh

Painful?

Painful?

No

How about that? Come on

You must have felt that one

I did feel that

- Hmm - And it felt

good

Come here

Is that all you've got, you dirty pighead?

Oh, mercy

You witch!

What? Your little pinky hurting?

You're tougher than you look, you little dragon

Go God Gesù

I'm sorry for every bad thing I ever done

God!

Yeah!

Oh! Ah!

Oh-ho-ho

♪ Come on! ♪

♪ Come on! ♪

♪ Come on! ♪

♪ Come on! ♪

♪ Come on! ♪

♪ Like something like this ♪

♪ Touch the ♪

- ♪ One, two, three ♪ - ♪ Look at me ♪

- ♪ Four, five, six ♪ - ♪ Got new tricks ♪

Come on then

- ♪ Four, five, six ♪ - ♪ Got new kicks ♪

You fucking mop!

♪ I'm in love with the biff, bang, pow ♪

♪ Don't know when and don't know how ♪

♪ I'm in love with the biff, bang, pow ♪

♪ We just smashed the TV screen ♪

- ♪ One, two, three ♪ - ♪ Fuck yourselves! ♪

- ♪ Four, five, six ♪ - ♪ Fuck yourselves! ♪

- ♪ One, two, three ♪ - ♪ Check the crowd ♪

- ♪ Four, five, six ♪ - ♪ Get back here ♪

♪ I'm in love with the biff, bang, pow ♪

♪ Don't know when and don't know how ♪

♪ I'm in love with the biff, bang, pow ♪

♪ Don't know when and don't know how ♪

♪ I'm in love with the biff, bang, pow ♪

♪ I'm in love with the biff, bang, pow ♪

♪ I'm in love with the biff, bang, pow ♪

♪ Don't know when and don't know how ♪

♪ I'm in love with the biff, bang, pow ♪

♪ Don't know when and don't know how ♪

♪ I'm in love with the biff, bang, pow ♪

Mm

Oh, for fuck's sakes, Fred

Ooh

Huh

Nice

Now, that

that must have fucking hurt

♪ Bup-tee-dee, bup-tee-dee ♪

See you

Oi, dummy Get down here We need to go

Siu-ling, you all right?

Where is he?

I choked him

I think he's dead

Oh, okay Okay

And how did that feel?

Pretty good

I done it

I shit it out!

No!

Oyumi

Bollocks!

I'd think very hard about your next move, mate

If you so much as fucking flinch, I'll torch the both of you

Why would you do that?

Because I'm a fucking sore loser That's why

So it is true

The famous Accident Man, once a great hunter

has now become a bodyguard

- You think you're fast enough? - Try me

I could slit his throat and your little courtesan's

before you could even blink

This thing spits out napalm like an 80-year-old man's piss pipe

No telling where it's gonna go, but please be my guest

Come here

I wonder if I could kick your ass

No dirty tricks, no accidents

Just you and me in a martial combat

- I will fuck you in the lungs, you piece of shit! - Stay out of this, Siu-ling

Eh, listen, mate

You want a crack at the title?

Be my guest

You better leave him breathing, though

You do that, we can go round and round right now, if you fancy it

Very well

This one is going nowhere

- I'll take this fool - No

You're gonna pay for that

No, I don't think so

So this is what it feels like

to be a loser

Whoo! Hoo-hoo

Mike-san

are we done?

Disappointing

Uh, we ain't done, mate

We ain't done

You know what?

I never took a kicking I didn't learn from

So why don't we try that again, yeah?

Very well

Try to keep up this time

Game over,

Accident Man

Well, that's enough of that

Ray

Ray

Get out here, you bastard!

Ray, don't do him, please What about Fred?

What about him? Collateral damage, eh

Just like the other Oasis members back in London you murdered

Like you give a fuck

I said, get out of here, you little shit

Look, I don't blame you for being pissed off at me

- All right? I don't blame you - Pissed?

You ruined me

Everything I worked my whole life for

gone because of you

And once I kill this little piece of shit,

I won't need anybody because I'll have my millions to keep me company

Yeah, maybe

You'll still be a miserable old bastard, won't you?

- Yeah? - Get out of my way

or, I swear to God, I will blow your fucking head apart here

No, you won't You wouldn't do it in London,

you're not gonna do it now, are you?

- Don't test me, boy - Look,

I'm sorry about what happened in London, okay?

I'm sorry about that

But you're gonna have to take some responsibility for that

because you're the one that brought me up since I was a kid

Yet you rioted

And in the words of the immortal bard,

"How sharper than a serpent's tooth

is the scorn of a thankless child "

Grateful is what you should be

- Without me, you'd be nothing - No, it's because of you

that I'm a fucking asshole, all right?

It's because of you that I don't have any mates,

and I keep people at a distance

because you brought me up to not give a shit

about anyone by myself, didn't you?

So the only reason I am the way I am is because of you

And you know what?

Since I bumped into Fred,

and I found out what it's like to, to have a real mate

in your life, someone you actually care about,

it made me realize that you were full of shit

- You what? - Yeah, you heard

You're wrong to think that having mates around was bad for you,

and I was an idiot to listen to you

Oh, no, no, no You're an idiot if you don't

We're killers, son That's where it has to be That's what it takes

Is it what it takes, though? Because I know we're not meant to have

a moral compass and all that shit,

but even killers need mates, right?

People that you care about You need family

You need people that give a shit about you

Because I'll tell you what, if you don't have that

well, then you're gonna just be a fucking miserable old bastard, aren't you?

Like you

You're not gonna shoot me, Ray?

And you're not gonna let Fred die either

Get out of here

God!

Nice speech

How long have you been working on it?

Since you threw me out of London

Hand over that tracking device in case there's any more Muppets after you

On second thoughts, just chuck it out, will you?

That was

the only nice gift my mama ever gave me

Yeah, I know

That's what we have to protect in order to keep Fred alive

What a parlor wank

Well

we better get this scrote back to his mommy

and get our little finicky bugger back, eh?

Yeah

Yeah

Now,

we can't send you back to your old dear

covered in your own shit and

can we now, you abominable creature?

Get yourself cleaned up and put on a fucking suit

Oh, no, those are Fred's suits

Really?

Fallon?

Shit! Siu-ling?

Siu-ling

You okay?

My head hurts

What happened to that pok kai?

That's a fucking horror show Did you do that?

Yeah

Well, kind of

Not bad Not bad

What happened to your face?

Be nice to your mom

My mom is gonna be so angry

when she finds out how you treat me

You and your assassin friends

kicking me around like a fucking football

I reckon she'd be more angry about the fact

that you shit yourself live on CCTV, don't you?

Show her footage, if you want

- You wouldn't dare - Wouldn't I?

Anyway, calm down

Don't want you shitting yourself again

We feared the worst after we lost the signal

Well, your little soldier was a big boy and, uh, went potty, didn't you?

Can you please do something about him?

Look at the fucking state of me

Since we are here, I presume

you have taken care of all our problems

Hello? Hello? Can you hear me?

- Ciao, Mama - Ciao, Dante

- Well - Mama!

Tito!

Another word from you, figlio,

and I will take care of you myself

I'm sure that nine million euros would help me with my grief

So?

Well, thanks to me, he's safe as houses

Now, we've got rid of that tracking device,

and those assassins have popped their clogs

All of them?

That one we know about, yeah

What about the others?

I can't worry about things

we don't know about yet, can I, you stupid book?

I have to say I'm impressed, Mr Fallon

For a man who we only trusted to crash a car or two,

you have truly outdone yourself

So bravo to you, signore

You know what, Mrs Zuuzer,

hearing you say that makes everything worthwhile

Sarcasm suits you,

but your egotism will be the death of you

I'll be sure to see to that

if I ever see your face again

I've heard that one before

I do not doubt it

How are we doing, Finicky?

All right, Mike

Nice weekend?

Not really, mate, no

So, uh, should we get on with it?

What, he, what, he just gets to leave, does he, huh?

This fucking ape?

He, uh, he, he beat me like a dog

He abused me, threatened to kill me

He said some pretty fucking terrible things

- about you as well by the wa - Basta!

Cuccia!

Come on

Come on, Fred

What are you looking at, you fucking pleb?

You all right, mate?

Yeah?

We'll call it a day, then, yeah?

We had an agreement, which I'll honor,

but show me the respect I deserve

Leave this island,

and go and play with your little mishaps elsewhere

Be happy to

Come on, Fred

What? That's it? What, you're gonna let him walk away?

Yeah, yeah bye, you fucking twat!

Mama

Ray, what are you doing here?

- Did you get my note? - Yeah, he got the note

Glad to see you made an effort, Fred

Anyway, first things first

Let's see if your Savile Row skills

are up to scratch, shall we?

Oh, is this one of mine?

Fuck you!

- Yes! - I can't believe that

I told you it'd work

Mate, I thought it was a crap idea,

but that scored like bleedin' Beckham

I'll never doubt you again, buddy

Not just a hatrack, eh, Mike

No, mate

All right, get in, lads Get in

And then she fell off her barstool

Hey, Fred, there's someone here to see you

It's me, Leylo

Is that really you, Fred?

- Oh, my dear, sweet friend - Ooh

Come here

Oh, fuck me sideways

So Fred finally met the love of his life,

and they lived happily ever after

Did they? Bollocks! Lasted about a fortnight

And when she realized Fred was a stone-cold killer, she scapered

He got over it, though Big Ray decided to put his differences aside

And with the nine million from the Zuuzer job,

we parlayed that into a new outfit

and the world was our oyster

So, it was on to the next chapter,

which, for a guy like me,

is probably gonna be a fucking belter

Flaming! Flamingo!

♪ I saw her smiling My knees got weak ♪

♪ I feel like the beast that's ready to breed ♪

♪ I should have known you're the best I've seen ♪

♪ Oh, my God this can't be real ♪

♪ All I want is somebody like you ♪

♪ And you can be ♪

♪ is three words from you ♪

♪ Gimme your love ♪

♪ Gimme your love ♪

♪ Just gimme your love ♪

♪ Just gimme your love ♪

Quiet!

♪ Everybody's got something to say ♪

♪ They're pulling out their dossiers ♪

♪ They've really only thought halfway ♪

♪ But they have got a public to sway ♪

♪ All you've gotta do is nail your cadence ♪

♪ They'll put you on the national stations ♪

♪ With all of the other sensations ♪

♪ But now we've got a situation ♪

♪ Every time you lose your patience ♪

- ♪ I've got, I've got ♪ - ♪ My resolution ♪

- ♪ We've got, we've got ♪ - ♪ Our execution ♪

- ♪ You've got, you've got ♪ - ♪ You've got ♪

♪ To mass produce your revolution ♪

- ♪ I've got, I've got ♪ - ♪ My resolution ♪

- ♪ We've got, we've got ♪ - ♪ Our execution ♪

- ♪ You've got, you've got ♪ - ♪ You've got ♪

♪ To mass produce your revolution ♪

♪ Here we are living rag and bone ♪

♪ And you're living in your model home ♪

♪ With everything covered in chrome ♪

♪ Sitting on top of your marble throne ♪

♪ Well, isn't that a beautiful fragrance ♪

♪ That you'll sell to all your patrons ♪

♪ And then you'll make a tiny donation ♪

♪ But now we've got a situation ♪

♪ Every time you lose your patience ♪

- ♪ I've got, I've got ♪ - ♪ My resolution ♪

- ♪ We've got, we've got ♪ - ♪ Our execution ♪

- ♪ You've got, you've got ♪ - ♪ You've got ♪

♪ To mass produce your revolution ♪

- ♪ I've got, I've got ♪ - ♪ My resolution ♪

- ♪ We've got, we've got ♪ - ♪ Our execution ♪

- ♪ You've got, you've got ♪ - ♪ You've got ♪

♪ To mass produce your revolution ♪

♪ We don't get cash When we get paid ♪

♪ We get dental, health and life as a trade ♪

♪ Everyone's telling me that no one is safe ♪

♪ I think I'll run away ♪

♪ I think I'll run away ♪

- ♪ I've got, I've got ♪ - ♪ My resolution ♪

♪ Our execution ♪

♪ You've got to mass produce your revolution ♪

- ♪ I've got, I've got ♪ - ♪ My resolution ♪

- ♪ We've got, we've got ♪ - ♪ Our execution ♪

- ♪ You've got, you've got ♪ - ♪ You've got ♪

♪ To mass produce your revolution ♪

- ♪ I've got, I've got ♪ - ♪ My resolution ♪

- ♪ We've got, we've got ♪ - ♪ Our execution ♪

- ♪ You've got, you've got ♪ - ♪ You've got ♪

♪ To mass produce your revolution ♪