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Buongiorno...
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which is Italian for hello.
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Chic. Which is French for... cheek?
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So, how are you? Had a good week?
Lovely.
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Well, back to me.
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Now, previously in my life, I tell my mother I'd be happy not to marry, which I think she was fine with.
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We calmed her down but she regularly attempts to set me up
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with aristocratic squires at her literary themed parties.
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No, they're worse than they sound.
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Last year, Last Of The Mohicans.
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Darling, this is Quentin.
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Hello, Miranda. We last met at a tennis tournament in Tunbridge.
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Taramasalata?
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I fear another party's looming, so I'm stressed -
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that way when little things get to you.
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Right, calm and on with the show.
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Morning! Morning! Oh, Stevie, what are you doing? What have you done?
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It's not even 10am and I can already talk to Ms Heather Small.
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# What have you done today to make me feel proud? #
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I'll tell you, Heather, I've done a marketing display...
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Right, can I have word? Oh, would you like my counsel? I would, sir.
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Go ahead, caller. You're not invited to this meeting, Heather. Goodbye. Goodbye. Thank you.
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I shall explain this as clearly and professionally as I can.
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Valentine's Day makes me go...
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We've got a lovely relationship that we're showing off about, have we?
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"Oh, I'm so in love." Get out!
Get out! Get out! Get out!
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I don't know who St Valentine was, but I hope he died alone, surrounded by couples.
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Right, this is going. What?! Before it reminds Mum I'm still single
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and a themed party definitely rears its ugly head.
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Can't you get out of them?
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I'm notoriously bad at excuses, you know that. Particularly with Mum.
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She'll just use her beloved phrase, "Such fun!" to shut me up.
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What's your standard excuse?
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I just panic and say, "I can't I'm going to the cinema."
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What if someone asks you to the cinema and you don't want to go?
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I go to the cinema with them.
37
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Well, I mean, I can't say, "I can't go to the cinema," because I'm going to the cinema, can I?
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Are you an actual idiot?
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Sorry?
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What do you use? Oh, well, I say, "My niece is ill and I have to help."
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Oh, that's brilliant. I know, I am particularly clever.
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If your Mum does set you up just look at it as good dating practice.
43
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Might help with Gary. Gary and I are just friends. Really.
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It's easier. And, anyway, I don't need help with dating.
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I've been on loads of dates.
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So, you know, don't doubt me, Stevie. I am a smooth operator.
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That took me ages!
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Well, I'm stuck in it now and it's all your fault.
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That took me ages and ages and ages and ages and ages...
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Oh, for heaven's sake.
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Darling, it was mortifying at the wedding on Saturday.
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The bride didn't throw her bouquet, just passed it to Miranda while someone shouted, "As if!"
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But I am determined to find you someone and so -
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drum roll, please - I am hosting
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a Pride And Prejudice themed party.
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Next Friday. The only day Edmund de Tory can do.
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Wait, Mum, Mum! Did you say Friday?
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Oh, I, I definitely can't make Friday.
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Why not? Well, it's my daughter's first birthday.
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You don't have a daughter. I don't have a daughter.
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I am voting in the House of Commons.
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You're not an MP. I'm not an MP.
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Eh, I'm washing my shoes.
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I tell you what it is. I am baking a hedgehog for Tony Benn's anniversary.
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I just... I can't. I get in a panic.
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It's a condition. I'm sweating.
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Oh, hello. Mum, listen, I don't want...
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Such fun. No, I don't think... Such fun.
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Such fun. Such fun. Such fun. Such fun. Such fun. Such fun!
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I told you!
It's so effective and so annoying.
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Why can't she hear - I don't want to get married?
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Oh. Thank you. I mean, everyone else knows I hate the idea of intimacy.
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I hate the idea of somebody knowing everything about me.
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I mean, I don't want somebody knowing that I'm not even 40
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and already I have a pair of shoes specifically for driving.
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Do you really? No.
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I mean, maybe Edmund isn't that bad.
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I'll look him up. How do you spell de Tory?
79
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Tory, as in T-O-R-Y.
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Has friends called Hugo and Biffy and pretends to like hoodies.
81
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Ooh, satire. Stylish.
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Is it definitely too early for a mojito?
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Miranda, it's half past ten in the morning! Course not, come on.
84
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Clive no, no. Slippery slope.
85
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Miranda, why don't you ask your Mum to have the party here?
86
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Clive and I can keep an eye on you.
87
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And, to be honest, I could do with the business.
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I can't believe how much takings are down since you went on a diet. Ha-ha
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Oh, not joking.
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No, Gary, look, it can't go ahead.
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Please. Pretty please.
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Fine. I wouldn't have got out of it anyway.
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Thank you. And maybe this Edward's not that bad...
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No, no, no. Sorry, not Edward...
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Edmund. Edward - normal person.
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Edmund - weird person. Mund.
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Right, well maybe this Mund isn't that bad after all.
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Although he'll definitely be a man that does sports manoeuvres.
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You know, sports mimes.
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Men that can't help themselves suddenly practising a sport move - a bit of golf. Ah!
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That, for me, is the main difference between men and women.
102
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Men feel the need to announce their manlihood by a quick, er, sport move. Women don't do that, do they?
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You don't suddenly find women going, "Hoovering, missed a bit."
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"Take your shoes off, dear.
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"And Febreze."
106
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Well, hopefully, being set up will give you much-needed practice in the dating department.
107
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Why do people keep saying this?
I'm fine with the dating.
108
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All right. Pretend you're in a club and approach Gary.
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OK. Right.
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There's music, I'm feeling it.
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It's a bit camp, but we'll go with it.
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Hi! Hi. How are you?
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Miranda, problem.
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I found Edmund de Tory online.
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Photo... Oh, what is that?
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I literally can't tell which way up that photo's meant to be.
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Face down surely.
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High five.
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Not good enough for the five.
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Recent profile update.
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"Any fillies want a ride, I don't mean a horse."
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Imagine what I'll turn into if I end up with him? It's not funny.
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I mean, bare minimum, living on a country estate,
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with a black Labrador called Jasper, pronounced Jaaasper.
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Jaaasper. Come here. Heel!
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Jaaasper. Will you put that down?
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Argh! No, no!
128
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Oh, I'm so sorry. I think he thinks your toddler's a pheasant.
129
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Jaaasper! Walkies!
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Right, party's off.
131
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What?! Come on, I need the business.
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Tough. Come on, think of an excuse. Emergency walk? Emergency walk.
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Long way up, short way down. Go!
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Ok, task - excuse. Let's workshop this.
135
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Umm... a family member is dying.
136
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Not really going to work on my family.
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You're working?
Something she'd believe.
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Gym class? Something she'd believe.
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Joined WeightWatchers?
Something she'd believe.
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A date? Something she'd believe.
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Hi, I'm looking for something for my niece's party.
142
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Not now, customer. Sorry, we're on me.
143
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Um, oh, actually, hang on.
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If you had to think of an excuse to get out of a party, what would you say?
145
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Oh, er, I usually say, and I know it's awful, um...
146
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"Sorry, my mother's ill."
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I can't tell my mother my mother's ill. Have you thought this through?
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To be fair, I didn't know the circumstances.
149
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Hopeless. Can you leave, please?
150
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You can't ask a customer to leave. I can if he's annoying me.
151
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No, I'm happy to go. He's happy to go. No, stay.
152
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I'd rather go. See?
Only because you bullied him.
153
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Stay and browse. No. Stay and browse!
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Please, please, don't, don't hurt me.
155
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Come on, let's get back to task excuse, yeah?
156
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Let's do the thinking rubber bands.
157
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Good idea. Actually, you can do pitch in. That'd be very helpful.
158
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We don't do the thinking caps here, we do the thinking rubber bands.
159
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Okay, so, erm, sit down. That's it. OK.
160
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Now, you pop it on your head and you see what springs to mind, OK?
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You ready? And go.
162
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Ooh! Anything? No. No. Ooh! Ooh.. Nothing. Nothing.
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You definitely got nothing?
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No. To be fair, I don't understand the world I've just walked into.
165
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How am I going to get out of it?
166
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Hey, relax. Yeah, you know, stress is not good for the body.
167
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Why don't you go for a nice massage?
168
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No. The last time I got stuck in the head hole. It wasn't relaxing.
169
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What about yoga?
I'm not allowed back.
170
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And breath in.
171
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And let it all out. Well, it's my mum, you see.
172
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She's never listened and it winds me up.
173
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Doesn't she realise I'm 34, with my own life to lead?
174
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Oh, no, it's Tilly. That's all I need. Miranda?
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I know you hate being set up,
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but... No, Tilly. Sssh. I have found you someone tremendulent.
177
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He's an ex-Army doctor. "Dreamboat Charlie".
178
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You would not be punching below your weight. He's a total nudulator.
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I don't know... Very sexy. Sexy.
180
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He's literally just come back from La Grande Pomme,
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where he's entre nous made a shed of Johnny Cashingtons. Huh?
182
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He's made a lot of money in New York. Right.
183
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And, sorry, bear with.
184
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Bear with. Bear with. Bear with.
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Bear with. Back.
186
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Yes, and he's seen a photo
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and he's still interested.
188
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That's a photo of you!
189
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Miranda, why don't you go on a date with him? Then Penny might cancel the party. No, I'm sorry.
190
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I hate being set up. I can't.
191
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Oh, that is a major pity - and his friend, Colonel Shame!
192
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You know where I am if you change your mind.
193
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Ciao, bella. Emberg!
194
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What part of not wanting to be set up do people not understand?
Here we go.
195
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I hate to be anywhere that involves flirting, which,
196
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let me tell you, at 6 foot 1, is not easy. No-one's ever taller than me.
197
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I spend my time lowering the height with the forward knee bend.
198
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"How do you do, sir?" Trouble is your arms are suddenly
199
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disproportionately long, which is weird and moving off becomes tricky.
200
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They ask me for a drink, I have to follow like this.
201
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I mean, imagine that!
Hey, calm down. Have you ever thought about listening to whale music?
202
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Oh, whale music!
What a load of bollocks.
203
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Oh, that's nice!
204
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OK. Yes, I get in a dating state. But that's boarding school for you.
205
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Starved of male company for years, still now when a bloke says, "Hi," I think, nice spring wedding.
206
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I mean, essentially, I'm not fussy when it comes to men, my mother's choices aside. I have three rules.
207
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Firstly, they're straight.
208
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Secondly, they're aged between 18 and 65.
209
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Thirdly - quite particular this one -
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I can't abide a high pitched voice.
211
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You know, it's the David Beckham complex.
212
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They look great, say something, and the magic's gone.
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Hi, I'm Miranda.
214
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Nice to meet you.
215
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So, what brings you here?
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Brrr! Brrr! Brrr! Brrr!
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Hello? It's the new Nokia.
218
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"An emergency at home," you say?
219
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This is all Mum's fault.
220
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A "Pride and Prejudice" party? And if I hear "Such fun!" one more time.
221
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Miranda! I tried to stop her.
222
00:13:33,715 --> 00:13:36,840
No, she'll want what I call "a party update".
223
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So, the Mr Darcy look-alike is happy to arrive dry and we can moisten him ourselves.
224
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The flowers... No, Mum, please stop.
225
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I... I definitely can't make Friday.
226
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Why not? Erm, well,
227
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Stevie's little niece is seriously ill.
228
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Oh, I'm sorry. That's awful.
229
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And I've said I'll do a shift that night, so...
230
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Why can't Stevie look after her?
She can't, can she? No, she can't.
231
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Why not? You'd have to ask her.
232
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That's you. Oh, yes.
233
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So, why can't she? She's, I'm...
234
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umm... going to the cinema.
235
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Surely the child is more important?
The film is...
236
00:14:19,635 --> 00:14:21,320
Very important... important.
237
00:14:21,355 --> 00:14:23,840
What is it?
It's... umm... It's...
238
00:14:24,920 --> 00:14:28,280
It's Ice Age 3 - Dawn Of The Dinosaurs.
239
00:14:28,315 --> 00:14:30,720
Not important enough. Not important enough.
240
00:14:30,755 --> 00:14:32,320
It's, um...
241
00:14:32,355 --> 00:14:34,160
It's Citizen Kane. Good.
242
00:14:34,195 --> 00:14:36,280
Citizen Kane. Yeah.
243
00:14:36,315 --> 00:14:40,680
It is an important film, but I should have thought your family would come first.
244
00:14:40,715 --> 00:14:43,640
Yes, Stevie. That's really insensitive of you to ask me
245
00:14:43,675 --> 00:14:46,520
to look after your niece so you can go to the cinema!
246
00:14:46,555 --> 00:14:48,720
Oh, well, good. So we're all on.
247
00:14:48,755 --> 00:14:50,800
Oh, goody
248
00:14:50,835 --> 00:14:56,080
Wait. Penny, it must be a massive effort to host a party just to set Miranda up.
249
00:14:56,115 --> 00:15:00,440
Particularly when she's already got a date. With a doctor.
250
00:15:00,475 --> 00:15:03,240
Oh, no, darling, that's called an appointment.
251
00:15:05,280 --> 00:15:08,200
No, no. An Army doctor. Really?
252
00:15:08,235 --> 00:15:10,280
Yeah. Friend of Tilly's. Really?
253
00:15:10,315 --> 00:15:13,280
Oh, what we save from the party we put towards the wedding.
254
00:15:13,315 --> 00:15:16,080
Good luck, darling. Don't say, "Such fun."
255
00:15:16,115 --> 00:15:20,360
Well, if it annoys you that much, no I won't. Such fun.
256
00:15:20,395 --> 00:15:23,840
Such fun! Ha! Ooh, a double!
257
00:15:25,360 --> 00:15:29,440
What did you do that for? You know I don't want to go on a date.
258
00:15:29,475 --> 00:15:31,880
Well, it's the ticket out.
259
00:15:31,915 --> 00:15:33,320
And he might be nice.
260
00:15:33,355 --> 00:15:35,360
Argh!
261
00:15:37,320 --> 00:15:39,800
Hellooo! Oh, hello. You look nice.
262
00:15:39,835 --> 00:15:42,960
Thank you, please, very much, please, thanks very to you.
263
00:15:42,995 --> 00:15:46,160
I'm meeting someone. Yes, I know. Your mum just called.
264
00:15:46,195 --> 00:15:49,960
She's cancelled the party. She was going to spend a shedload here.
265
00:15:49,995 --> 00:15:51,920
Don't blame me. It was her idea.
266
00:15:51,955 --> 00:15:54,720
I'm just meeting the man of my dreams. And here I am.
267
00:15:54,755 --> 00:15:59,120
Oh, ha-ha-ha Listen to my genuine laughter.
268
00:16:02,360 --> 00:16:04,120
So, who is this man of your dreams?
269
00:16:04,155 --> 00:16:08,120
A friend of Tilly's. She said he'd be wearing a red carnation, so look out...
270
00:16:08,155 --> 00:16:10,600
A friend of Tilly's?
Yes, OK, he might be awful.
271
00:16:10,635 --> 00:16:13,760
Can we have a signal, just in case I need help? How about...
272
00:16:18,360 --> 00:16:22,200
Clive, it's got to be something subtle I can slip into a social situation.
273
00:16:22,235 --> 00:16:25,080
How can I make this seem natural on a date?
274
00:16:25,115 --> 00:16:28,840
All right, calm your plimsolls. Why don't you ask me for more sauce?
275
00:16:28,875 --> 00:16:32,160
And then I can say, "The kitchen's on fire. Everybody out."
276
00:16:32,195 --> 00:16:35,480
Perfect. I mean, I'm sure I won't need it. She said he was lovely.
277
00:16:53,400 --> 00:17:00,000
Oh, hello. Well, hello, Totty.
278
00:17:00,960 --> 00:17:02,840
Enchante, what?
279
00:17:19,120 --> 00:17:21,440
So, Charlie, tell me.
280
00:17:21,475 --> 00:17:24,040
The nickname, "Dreamboat".
281
00:17:24,075 --> 00:17:25,440
How did that come about?
282
00:17:25,475 --> 00:17:28,280
It's the name of a floating brothel.
283
00:17:28,315 --> 00:17:33,080
To cut a bloody funny story short, I went in, with a few needs...
284
00:17:33,115 --> 00:17:35,160
Ooh, ooh, could it be shorter?
285
00:17:35,195 --> 00:17:39,000
There was this girl, we were in a cubicle... Really short. Like you.
286
00:17:39,035 --> 00:17:40,880
The boat sank. There we go.
287
00:17:42,600 --> 00:17:47,320
You know, I was sceptical, but blimey, Tilly got this right, what?
288
00:17:47,355 --> 00:17:51,440
Because she knows I fancy women I wouldn't necessarily beat in a fight.
289
00:17:54,920 --> 00:17:57,840
Oh, where's the little fellow gone?
290
00:17:57,875 --> 00:17:59,520
Erm, what can I get you?
291
00:17:59,555 --> 00:18:03,080
Booze. That should do it, eh?
292
00:18:03,115 --> 00:18:05,560
Whatever you recommend. OK.
293
00:18:05,595 --> 00:18:07,240
Booze!
294
00:18:07,275 --> 00:18:11,040
I bloody love crisps, don't you?
295
00:18:15,755 --> 00:18:18,600
Right, here's some wine. Thank you, Clive.
296
00:18:18,635 --> 00:18:22,560
Clive, I was wondering if I could have some more sauce?
297
00:18:22,595 --> 00:18:25,640
You haven't ordered yet.
298
00:18:27,160 --> 00:18:31,920
Clive, I just have a feeling I might need some more sauce.
299
00:18:31,955 --> 00:18:35,480
I just think you might need some menus!
300
00:18:35,515 --> 00:18:40,120
Don't you often wonder if food could talk what it would sound like?
301
00:18:40,155 --> 00:18:43,000
Hi, I'm an olive!
302
00:18:43,035 --> 00:18:44,440
It's a bloody funny game.
303
00:18:44,475 --> 00:18:47,200
Gorgeous! Get off!
304
00:18:47,235 --> 00:18:49,120
Clive. Clive.
305
00:18:53,000 --> 00:18:55,440
Gary, how's the kitchen?
306
00:18:55,475 --> 00:18:57,000
It's not on fire, is it?
307
00:18:58,080 --> 00:19:00,680
Er, no, no, the kitchen's fine. Why?
308
00:19:00,715 --> 00:19:03,600
No reason, you bastard. No reason at all.
309
00:19:03,635 --> 00:19:08,360
Listen, I know we've not even eaten yet, but I'm feeling chemistry.
310
00:19:08,395 --> 00:19:11,160
Would you be on for coming back to mine for a bit of
311
00:19:11,195 --> 00:19:12,960
pumpy de rumpy?!
312
00:19:15,880 --> 00:19:17,480
Oh!
313
00:19:20,120 --> 00:19:23,080
Silly me!
I appear to have spilt my drink.
314
00:19:23,115 --> 00:19:25,280
Excuse me for one second, please.
315
00:19:28,480 --> 00:19:30,280
Oh!
316
00:19:30,315 --> 00:19:33,440
I'm going to kill you both. Come here. Come.
317
00:19:35,960 --> 00:19:39,800
Morning. Oh, dear, pyjamas in the work place?
318
00:19:39,835 --> 00:19:43,000
It was really bad. I'm still in shock.
319
00:19:43,035 --> 00:19:45,960
Tilly's already told Mum I'm not interested in Charlie,
320
00:19:45,995 --> 00:19:47,840
so the party, and set up, are back on.
321
00:19:47,875 --> 00:19:51,160
You do know you might have to go, don't you? I know.
322
00:19:51,195 --> 00:19:56,480
The only way of not being set up is if you were already engaged
323
00:19:56,515 --> 00:20:00,240
and, well, I mean this in the nicest, most well-meaning way possible,
324
00:20:00,275 --> 00:20:04,120
but that is not going to happen in 24 years, is it? Let alone 24 hours.
325
00:20:06,120 --> 00:20:07,640
I'm not that bad.
326
00:20:09,440 --> 00:20:11,320
Hi. Oh, hi.
327
00:20:11,355 --> 00:20:14,640
When I'm naked in bed and I roll over, my breasts clap.
328
00:20:19,040 --> 00:20:22,160
Hi, I never got anything for my niece's party.
329
00:20:22,195 --> 00:20:23,840
Do you think this is a good time?
330
00:20:23,875 --> 00:20:25,720
There never seems to be a good time.
331
00:20:25,755 --> 00:20:29,320
Oh, can you ask Miranda for her hand in marriage? What?!
332
00:20:29,355 --> 00:20:32,920
If you pretend you're together, problem solved. Oh, that's good.
333
00:20:33,960 --> 00:20:38,560
Hi! When I'm naked in bed and roll over, my breasts... No, not helping.
334
00:20:38,595 --> 00:20:42,640
I only came in for indoor fireworks. I know it's weird, customer.
335
00:20:42,675 --> 00:20:46,120
I'm calling you that as it would be odder if I found out your name now.
336
00:20:46,155 --> 00:20:53,000
But if you don't pretend to marry me, I might become Miranda de Tory, this is my husband Ed-MUND. OK?
337
00:20:53,035 --> 00:20:55,280
This is what you'd wake up to every morning.
338
00:20:55,315 --> 00:21:00,120
Again, not helping. Very rude. Who wouldn't want some of this, eh?
339
00:21:00,155 --> 00:21:02,520
This of a morning? Do you like it?
340
00:21:02,555 --> 00:21:03,920
Little sheep, ha!
341
00:21:07,120 --> 00:21:09,360
I can't. For a start, I'm already married.
342
00:21:09,395 --> 00:21:13,040
Oh, well, just end it. Is that too much to ask? To a man. I'm gay.
343
00:21:13,075 --> 00:21:16,560
Oh, really? Oh, right. You don't believe me? Well, Mum would.
344
00:21:16,595 --> 00:21:19,760
She thinks anyone still single on the verge of 40 is a lesbian.
345
00:21:20,640 --> 00:21:22,560
Oh, hello. Hello.
346
00:21:22,595 --> 00:21:24,200
That's good. That's very good.
347
00:21:24,235 --> 00:21:27,840
If you come out, there's a chance your mother will never talk to you again.
348
00:21:27,875 --> 00:21:30,480
This plan has no downside.
349
00:21:33,440 --> 00:21:35,840
# I'm coming out
350
00:21:35,875 --> 00:21:37,640
# I want the world to know
351
00:21:37,675 --> 00:21:40,200
# Got to let it show
352
00:21:40,235 --> 00:21:43,320
# I'm coming out I want the world to know... #
353
00:21:43,355 --> 00:21:46,360
Uh, customer. Just us. Sorry. Always just us.
354
00:21:47,320 --> 00:21:52,360
Ah, Mum. Listen, I've got something to tell you. Put your pen down.
355
00:21:52,395 --> 00:21:55,520
You don't need to arrange the party or set me up because,
356
00:21:55,555 --> 00:21:59,000
well, I am glad you are sitting down. Because the thing is...
357
00:22:00,200 --> 00:22:01,280
.. I'm gay.
358
00:22:01,315 --> 00:22:02,520
I knew it.
359
00:22:03,920 --> 00:22:06,160
Gary, you owe me 50 quid.
360
00:22:09,160 --> 00:22:14,200
Oh, darling, I am, what I call, thrilled.
361
00:22:14,235 --> 00:22:16,600
This is fantastic news.
362
00:22:16,635 --> 00:22:19,600
What? I always had my suspicions and kept hoping.
363
00:22:19,635 --> 00:22:24,000
You bat for the other side and all this time I didn't think you batted for anyone.
364
00:22:24,035 --> 00:22:29,840
But who knew your wicket was being thoroughly knocked by a bowler with no balls?
365
00:22:29,875 --> 00:22:32,960
And I understand the lure. We've all been the way of the lily.
366
00:22:32,995 --> 00:22:35,880
What? Belinda and I had a fun time at school.
367
00:22:35,915 --> 00:22:41,080
La, la, da, da! Sorry, eh, Gary, sorry, party's off.
368
00:22:41,115 --> 00:22:42,880
What?! Miranda's a lesbian.
369
00:22:42,915 --> 00:22:45,280
Well, why don't we make it a coming out party?
370
00:22:45,315 --> 00:22:46,960
Ooh!
371
00:22:49,600 --> 00:22:51,560
That's a splendid idea.
372
00:23:01,040 --> 00:23:03,840
Gary. You... Sorry, I didn't think she'd say yes.
373
00:23:03,875 --> 00:23:08,120
Just because you want the business. You are something that I'm too nice to say.
374
00:23:08,155 --> 00:23:11,920
Party's on, party's off. It's almost like I'm in some kind of farce.
375
00:23:13,560 --> 00:23:16,080
Listen, Mum, I'm not ready for a coming out pa...
376
00:23:16,115 --> 00:23:19,720
Darling, it's 2009, deal with it. I've already got the dress theme -
377
00:23:19,800 --> 00:23:22,720
simply "famous lesbians throughout history".
378
00:23:22,755 --> 00:23:26,480
That's a room full of people dressed as either KD Lang or Sandi Toksvig.
379
00:23:26,515 --> 00:23:29,720
No, I tell you what. We've got the Pride And Prejudice outfits -
380
00:23:29,755 --> 00:23:33,000
let's do Tipping The Velvet. This is going really badly.
381
00:23:33,035 --> 00:23:35,440
We'll have to find you a suitable partner.
382
00:23:35,475 --> 00:23:37,760
Don't set me up. Is there someone?
383
00:23:37,795 --> 00:23:41,000
Yes. Erm...
384
00:23:41,035 --> 00:23:42,480
Stevie.
385
00:23:42,515 --> 00:23:46,120
Oh, your father and I had hoped for something rather better than that.
386
00:23:46,155 --> 00:23:48,760
But on the plus side, he owes me 50 quid.
387
00:23:50,280 --> 00:23:51,920
Oh, I've just had a thought.
388
00:23:51,955 --> 00:23:54,760
Gary, I'll come back later to discuss everything.
389
00:23:54,795 --> 00:23:58,200
Darling, before they close, I seem to remember the National Trust
390
00:23:58,235 --> 00:24:02,560
do life membership discounts for lesbians. Come on!
391
00:24:02,595 --> 00:24:04,520
I hate you. And I hate you.
392
00:24:09,880 --> 00:24:13,080
De-de-de-de-de! Can you please explain what's going on now?
393
00:24:13,115 --> 00:24:18,560
I thought you were coming out. Why is this still Pride And Prejudice?
It's not. OK, here's the thing.
394
00:24:18,595 --> 00:24:22,600
We're an item, Mum's hosting us a Tipping The Velvet-themed coming out party,
395
00:24:22,635 --> 00:24:24,480
we're members of the National Trust
396
00:24:24,515 --> 00:24:27,920
and can book our civil partnership there at a 10% discount.
397
00:24:27,955 --> 00:24:31,480
You've got me life membership to the National Trust?
398
00:24:31,515 --> 00:24:35,160
You're definitely focussing on the wrong bit.
399
00:24:35,195 --> 00:24:38,600
Everybody! They're here!
What are we going to do?
400
00:24:38,635 --> 00:24:42,720
We'll just have to get on with it. Come on, lesbian role play.
401
00:24:44,600 --> 00:24:46,120
Hurrah for the lesbians!
402
00:24:49,840 --> 00:24:54,080
Stevie, stop acting the couple. This is going to get creepy and complicated.
403
00:24:54,115 --> 00:24:56,200
Sorry? Are you ashamed of me?
404
00:24:56,235 --> 00:25:01,840
What? I think you'll find your family would be amazed, nay, mightily impressed with me on your arm.
405
00:25:01,875 --> 00:25:04,560
Look at me! I'm a hot fox. Stevie.
406
00:25:04,595 --> 00:25:06,560
Suddenly I'm not good enough for you.
407
00:25:06,595 --> 00:25:09,040
You do know you're not really a lesbian?
408
00:25:10,840 --> 00:25:13,400
This is all your fault. You know that? Sorry
409
00:25:13,435 --> 00:25:16,320
I don't know what I'm doing here. I'm supposed to be at my niece's.
410
00:25:17,480 --> 00:25:19,160
Everything all right, darling?
411
00:25:19,195 --> 00:25:22,080
Just going to check on the Lesbian Blancmange.
412
00:25:31,440 --> 00:25:32,480
Deliberate.
413
00:25:37,000 --> 00:25:38,680
So you've seen Edmund Dettori?
414
00:25:38,715 --> 00:25:41,000
Such a shame. I thought he was perfect.
415
00:25:41,035 --> 00:25:43,200
That is Edmund De Tory?
416
00:25:43,235 --> 00:25:45,240
But he doesn't have a weird face.
417
00:25:45,275 --> 00:25:48,280
Oh, Dettori. D-E-T-T-O-R-I.
418
00:25:48,315 --> 00:25:49,560
Italian, yes.
419
00:25:51,120 --> 00:25:54,480
Right! That's it. Everybody!
Can I have your attention, please?
420
00:25:54,515 --> 00:25:56,200
Just a short announcement.
421
00:25:56,235 --> 00:25:58,200
This will come as a shock to some,
422
00:25:58,235 --> 00:26:00,760
particularly as this is a coming out party,
423
00:26:00,795 --> 00:26:03,200
but it turns out, the thing is, I'm straight.
424
00:26:03,235 --> 00:26:06,280
Aw!
425
00:26:11,960 --> 00:26:16,960
Darling, you are a what I call, "nightmare", but I still love you.
426
00:26:16,995 --> 00:26:22,560
Now please allow me to do all what I wanted to do in the first place and introduce you to Edmund. Go on then.
427
00:26:22,595 --> 00:26:23,960
Good luck.
428
00:26:25,280 --> 00:26:26,440
Oh, wow, Mr Darcy.
429
00:26:26,475 --> 00:26:29,320
You look better than I've ever imagined in that.
430
00:26:32,000 --> 00:26:33,960
Miranda? Better go.
431
00:26:33,995 --> 00:26:36,360
Yes, of course. To meet the man of your dreams.
432
00:26:36,395 --> 00:26:38,480
Edmund?
433
00:26:38,515 --> 00:26:40,120
This is Miranda.
434
00:26:40,155 --> 00:26:43,160
Nice to meet you. Thank you very much for coming, please.
435
00:26:43,195 --> 00:26:47,520
And thank you for organising a wonderful night.
436
00:26:51,920 --> 00:26:55,800
Um, sorry, have you got something stuck in your throat?
437
00:26:55,835 --> 00:26:57,560
A little quiche or something?
438
00:26:57,595 --> 00:26:59,280
No, I'm fine, thank you.
439
00:27:03,480 --> 00:27:06,080
Good night, everyone!
Miranda, you can't leave.
440
00:27:06,115 --> 00:27:07,880
This is your party. Such fun. No...
441
00:27:07,915 --> 00:27:11,040
Such fun. Such fun. Such fun.
442
00:27:11,075 --> 00:27:14,240
Such fun. Such fun. Such fun. And Run!
443
00:27:42,600 --> 00:27:45,640
Not fun. Not fun. Not fun. Not in any way fun.
444
00:27:57,440 --> 00:28:00,480
Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
445
00:28:00,515 --> 00:28:03,520
E- mail subtitling@bbc. co. uk
37180
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