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1
00:00:00,500 --> 00:00:05,400
Hello to you and thanks for joining.
This is exciting, isn't it? Eh?
2
00:00:05,435 --> 00:00:07,205
Now, let me get you up to speed.
3
00:00:07,240 --> 00:00:10,680
Previously in my life,
my mother tried to marry me off...
4
00:00:10,715 --> 00:00:16,560
LOUDSPEAKER: Someone please
marry my daughter.
5
00:00:16,595 --> 00:00:18,525
I'm not asking for money.
6
00:00:18,560 --> 00:00:21,680
I'm literally giving her away.
7
00:00:21,715 --> 00:00:23,245
LAUGHTER
8
00:00:23,280 --> 00:00:27,280
She was upset because I'd just
told her how I blew my inheritance.
9
00:00:27,315 --> 00:00:29,885
I bought a joke shop.
10
00:00:29,920 --> 00:00:35,080
No, I love it. Although I am worried that hiring
my oldest friend to manage it was a mistake.
11
00:00:35,115 --> 00:00:38,480
And that is how we will
take this franchise global.
12
00:00:38,515 --> 00:00:40,285
It's a bit much, isn't it?
13
00:00:40,320 --> 00:00:43,160
I mean, we're just
a little shop that sells...
14
00:00:43,195 --> 00:00:44,760
SQUEAKING
15
00:00:45,560 --> 00:00:47,420
Shush and submit.
16
00:00:47,455 --> 00:00:49,280
KLAXON SOUNDS
17
00:00:50,480 --> 00:00:56,360
And today I'm over-excited because apparently
Gary Preston's back from his travels. He's lovely.
18
00:00:56,395 --> 00:00:58,725
But I always make
a cockup if I see him.
19
00:00:58,760 --> 00:01:02,800
Well, there's never any cockup
involved, if you see what I mean.
20
00:01:02,835 --> 00:01:04,680
How naughty!
21
00:01:06,720 --> 00:01:09,080
Oh, but the last time I saw him...
22
00:01:10,040 --> 00:01:11,480
Got to dance to this one.
23
00:01:14,720 --> 00:01:18,440
# Stop right now
thank you very much
24
00:01:18,475 --> 00:01:22,160
# I need somebody with a human touch
25
00:01:22,195 --> 00:01:25,525
# Hey you, always on the run
26
00:01:25,560 --> 00:01:29,960
# Got to slow it down baby,
got to have some fun. #
27
00:01:36,960 --> 00:01:38,725
Say nothing.
28
00:01:38,760 --> 00:01:41,640
We'll speak no more of
and let's crack on with the show.
29
00:01:53,000 --> 00:01:54,960
Morning, Stevie. Afternoon.
30
00:01:54,995 --> 00:01:57,005
It's nearly lunchtime.
31
00:01:57,040 --> 00:01:59,960
Oh, the trains are a nightmare.
It was a hellish journey.
32
00:01:59,995 --> 00:02:01,000
You live upstairs.
33
00:02:02,520 --> 00:02:05,605
There were leaves on the carpet.
34
00:02:05,640 --> 00:02:08,080
That's a good one.
What's up with you?
35
00:02:08,115 --> 00:02:09,965
It's delivery day!
36
00:02:10,000 --> 00:02:13,520
Right, you can make a start
with the chocolate penises.
37
00:02:13,555 --> 00:02:14,880
Pff!
38
00:02:15,880 --> 00:02:17,365
Sorry. Every time!
39
00:02:17,400 --> 00:02:19,440
They're like willies, but chocolate.
40
00:02:22,000 --> 00:02:26,640
Stevie, they're funny.
They're like willies but chocolate.
41
00:02:26,675 --> 00:02:28,125
Nothing from you.
42
00:02:28,160 --> 00:02:31,000
Quite realistic, aren't they?
Not really, no.
43
00:02:31,035 --> 00:02:32,997
Aren't they?
44
00:02:33,032 --> 00:02:34,925
LAUGHTER
45
00:02:34,960 --> 00:02:36,525
Can we just concentrate?
46
00:02:36,560 --> 00:02:41,680
But it's nearly lunchtime. I'm meant to
be having a reunion lunch with the girls.
47
00:02:41,715 --> 00:02:43,165
You hate the girls.
48
00:02:43,200 --> 00:02:44,565
I know. But as Tilly says,
49
00:02:44,600 --> 00:02:47,680
when you're dumped in
a boarding school dorm aged nine,
50
00:02:47,715 --> 00:02:50,405
you'll bond for life,
even if you hate each other.
51
00:02:50,440 --> 00:02:54,600
Or in my case, get embarrassed being out
with people with public school nicknames.
52
00:02:54,635 --> 00:02:59,405
In my class, Milly, Tilly, Bella,
Bunty, Hootie, Pussy, Puggle and Podge.
53
00:02:59,440 --> 00:03:05,360
No, you're right. I'm not going. Good girlie. Work,
not shirk. Or do you want our business to fold?
54
00:03:05,395 --> 00:03:06,485
My business.
55
00:03:06,520 --> 00:03:08,440
Right, I'll get it.
56
00:03:10,680 --> 00:03:12,240
Could you sign there, please?
57
00:03:13,520 --> 00:03:15,360
There you go, sir.
58
00:03:15,395 --> 00:03:17,400
LAUGHTER
59
00:03:21,640 --> 00:03:24,000
Did he just call me sir?
60
00:03:24,035 --> 00:03:26,325
He just called me sir.
61
00:03:26,360 --> 00:03:28,605
It's fine when
they're not really looking,
62
00:03:28,640 --> 00:03:32,440
notice the height, call me sir, look
up, "Oh sorry, madam". That happens.
63
00:03:32,475 --> 00:03:37,280
He looked straight at me, still
thought sir was the right option.
64
00:03:37,315 --> 00:03:41,640
Right, that's it. As a girl,
I am going to my girlie lunch.
65
00:03:41,675 --> 00:03:44,200
Tell you what,
why don't you get these out?
66
00:03:44,235 --> 00:03:45,400
Honk! Honk!
67
00:03:46,360 --> 00:03:47,400
That might help.
68
00:03:47,435 --> 00:03:48,965
Miranda.
69
00:03:49,000 --> 00:03:50,680
Good morning, Mum. How are you?
70
00:03:50,715 --> 00:03:52,605
Are you engaged yet?
71
00:03:52,640 --> 00:03:55,805
Not since you asked last night, no.
72
00:03:55,840 --> 00:03:59,080
And I said "Good morning, Mum.
How are you?" Don't get emotional.
73
00:03:59,115 --> 00:04:01,677
We're not Spanish.
74
00:04:01,712 --> 00:04:03,596
So, news just in.
75
00:04:03,631 --> 00:04:05,335
Call me Fiona Bruce.
76
00:04:05,370 --> 00:04:07,040
BOTH: Fiona Bruce.
77
00:04:08,280 --> 00:04:12,400
Benji has at last split up
from that ghastly fish woman.
78
00:04:12,435 --> 00:04:14,965
Right, I've said it before,
I will say it again.
79
00:04:15,000 --> 00:04:19,320
I'm not marrying my cousin. It didn't stop
Uncle John and Aunt Liz. They're very happy.
80
00:04:19,355 --> 00:04:21,520
Yes, but their son isn't.
81
00:04:21,555 --> 00:04:23,325
Far too fussy.
82
00:04:23,360 --> 00:04:27,520
This is Surrey. No-one minds.
83
00:04:27,555 --> 00:04:28,765
Such fun.
84
00:04:28,800 --> 00:04:32,600
This isn't our delivery.
This is a load of baby stuff.
85
00:04:32,635 --> 00:04:34,520
This very much
needs sorting out.
86
00:04:34,555 --> 00:04:36,400
Right. I'm off.
87
00:04:37,360 --> 00:04:40,365
Well, my lunch is very important.
88
00:04:40,400 --> 00:04:43,360
It's what us elegant girls
about town do.
89
00:04:43,395 --> 00:04:45,360
Don't you mean elephant girls?
90
00:04:45,395 --> 00:04:49,165
I amuse myself.
91
00:04:49,200 --> 00:04:54,760
Well, at least I'm not too small that I
can't get on all the rides at Thorpe Park.
92
00:04:57,000 --> 00:05:00,200
Well, at least I don't have to
go to specialist clothes shops.
93
00:05:00,235 --> 00:05:02,520
Where are those jeans from?
(Big And...) Sorry?
94
00:05:02,555 --> 00:05:04,965
Big And Long. Yes.
95
00:05:05,000 --> 00:05:09,440
Well, doesn't mean
I can't be feminine.
96
00:05:09,475 --> 00:05:11,800
Look at that. Yeah, working it.
97
00:05:17,000 --> 00:05:18,800
It's all about the recovery.
98
00:05:22,160 --> 00:05:24,840
APPLAUSE
99
00:05:28,760 --> 00:05:31,685
How can a man
think a woman is a man?
100
00:05:31,720 --> 00:05:37,240
I mean, I do have a penis,
but that's chocolate. Actually...
101
00:05:37,275 --> 00:05:40,040
That would look wrong in
public, wouldn't it? Em...
102
00:05:43,360 --> 00:05:45,120
LAUGHTER
103
00:05:50,880 --> 00:05:52,640
No way. It's Gary Preston.
104
00:05:54,040 --> 00:05:56,440
OK. Calm. Compose myself.
105
00:05:56,475 --> 00:05:57,960
Smile.
106
00:06:03,760 --> 00:06:08,000
Miranda? Hi. How are you?
107
00:06:08,035 --> 00:06:09,280
Are you OK?
108
00:06:11,280 --> 00:06:13,520
You look like you're in pain.
109
00:06:15,600 --> 00:06:17,605
No, no, I'm fine.
110
00:06:17,640 --> 00:06:19,360
It's just trapped wind.
111
00:06:23,280 --> 00:06:26,040
Ah, that's better.
112
00:06:29,040 --> 00:06:30,645
So, Gary, what are you doing here?
113
00:06:30,680 --> 00:06:33,600
I work here. I'm the new chef.
Started last week.
114
00:06:33,635 --> 00:06:36,237
Oh, wow, my shop's next door.
No way!
115
00:06:36,272 --> 00:06:38,840
It's great to see you.
It's been ages.
116
00:06:38,875 --> 00:06:41,120
LAUGHTER
117
00:06:46,920 --> 00:06:48,600
Have you been eating chocolate?
118
00:06:48,635 --> 00:06:50,080
Well...
119
00:06:52,160 --> 00:06:55,600
To be precise, it's
actually coc... co... cockolate!
120
00:06:55,635 --> 00:06:59,125
So, how was Malaysia?
121
00:06:59,160 --> 00:07:01,485
Yeah, great.
It's good to be back, though.
122
00:07:01,520 --> 00:07:04,220
Really? Well, you know,
you can have too much fun.
123
00:07:04,255 --> 00:07:06,920
Thought I'd come back
and settle down. Be sensible.
124
00:07:06,955 --> 00:07:08,457
Joined a gym yesterday.
125
00:07:08,492 --> 00:07:09,986
The one round the corner?
126
00:07:10,021 --> 00:07:11,480
Yeah, do you go? Loads.
127
00:07:11,515 --> 00:07:12,560
Never.
128
00:07:14,160 --> 00:07:17,000
Yeah, no, I'm really into
keeping fit, Gary.
129
00:07:17,035 --> 00:07:19,240
Great. What's your sport? Gymnastics.
130
00:07:23,240 --> 00:07:25,645
That's it.
131
00:07:25,680 --> 00:07:27,920
I'll work with that.
I am a gymnast, Gary.
132
00:07:27,955 --> 00:07:31,400
Wow. Wow indeed. I mainly do ribbons.
133
00:07:35,720 --> 00:07:37,605
LAUGHTER
134
00:07:37,640 --> 00:07:41,320
You might have seen me at
the last Olympics, actually.
135
00:07:41,355 --> 00:07:42,885
Although I wasn't on telly much
136
00:07:42,920 --> 00:07:46,560
cos you will have noticed that a
lot of gymnasts are quite manly,
137
00:07:46,595 --> 00:07:47,925
have no curves or breasts.
138
00:07:47,960 --> 00:07:50,960
That's one category, not mine.
I'm in the bustier section.
139
00:07:50,995 --> 00:07:53,537
It's less televised.
140
00:07:53,572 --> 00:07:56,045
It's only in widescreen.
141
00:07:56,080 --> 00:08:00,080
Gymnasts, busty is the category.
142
00:08:04,520 --> 00:08:06,120
(What am I doing?)
143
00:08:10,160 --> 00:08:11,365
Right.
144
00:08:11,400 --> 00:08:14,460
Right. Good.
Well, I'd better get back to work.
145
00:08:14,495 --> 00:08:17,520
The new job and everything.
Let's catch up soon.
146
00:08:17,555 --> 00:08:19,845
Great. Lovely. OK.
147
00:08:19,880 --> 00:08:22,400
Well, that all went very well,
I thought.
148
00:08:23,920 --> 00:08:27,000
Luckily I enjoy living alone.
149
00:08:35,200 --> 00:08:36,800
APPLAUSE
150
00:08:39,320 --> 00:08:41,800
Carl... Can't talk now. I'm working.
151
00:08:41,835 --> 00:08:45,365
Oh, wish me luck. Girls' lunch.
152
00:08:45,400 --> 00:08:48,565
I have to go. Here she is. Oh, look.
153
00:08:48,600 --> 00:08:52,280
Utmost curiosity! Tilly.
Best B forever.
154
00:08:52,315 --> 00:08:53,720
THEY SCREAM
155
00:08:55,360 --> 00:08:56,720
Kissingtons.
156
00:08:56,755 --> 00:08:58,357
BOTH: Mwah!
157
00:08:58,392 --> 00:08:59,976
And... Fanny!
158
00:09:00,011 --> 00:09:01,525
Queen Kong.
159
00:09:01,560 --> 00:09:03,800
I prefer Miranda, if that's OK.
160
00:09:03,835 --> 00:09:06,040
Oh, no, it has to be Queen Kong.
161
00:09:06,075 --> 00:09:07,717
You look exactly the same.
162
00:09:07,752 --> 00:09:09,360
You're the Empress of Kong.
163
00:09:11,240 --> 00:09:13,120
You're Kongoleezza Rice.
164
00:09:14,520 --> 00:09:17,920
TEXT MESSAGE ALERT
Oh, hang on. Bear with. Bear with.
165
00:09:22,440 --> 00:09:23,600
Bear with.
166
00:09:25,920 --> 00:09:27,085
Back.
167
00:09:27,120 --> 00:09:28,520
So, what's new?
168
00:09:28,555 --> 00:09:30,005
Well...
169
00:09:30,040 --> 00:09:31,760
TILLY SCREAMS
170
00:09:31,795 --> 00:09:33,317
FANNY SCREAMS
171
00:09:33,352 --> 00:09:34,840
MIRANDA SCREAMS
172
00:09:38,440 --> 00:09:41,205
Oh, hideola. Poor Kongers.
173
00:09:41,240 --> 00:09:43,420
No, I'm really pleased for you both.
174
00:09:43,455 --> 00:09:45,600
Marriage and babies,
it's not for me.
175
00:09:45,635 --> 00:09:47,245
It's only what my mother wants.
176
00:09:47,280 --> 00:09:50,920
Seriously, though,
is your mother coping OK? She's fine.
177
00:09:50,955 --> 00:09:52,800
SHE SOBS
178
00:09:57,200 --> 00:10:01,840
So, Queen Kong, we're
arranging this shopping bonanza.
179
00:10:01,875 --> 00:10:04,437
Oh, girls' shopping trip, yay!
180
00:10:04,472 --> 00:10:06,965
Will you come with? Marvellismos!
181
00:10:07,000 --> 00:10:12,000
I've only got limited windows, so I think we should
probably go somewhere boutiquey, quite small...
182
00:10:12,035 --> 00:10:14,040
TILLY AND FANNY MUMBLE
183
00:10:29,760 --> 00:10:33,400
So, I suggest we meet just there
tomorrow afternoon,
184
00:10:33,435 --> 00:10:34,760
shall we say four?
185
00:10:34,795 --> 00:10:36,560
Brillo pads!
186
00:10:37,480 --> 00:10:39,680
Where are we going?
I didn't quite catch it.
187
00:10:39,715 --> 00:10:41,360
Wedding dress shopping.
188
00:10:41,395 --> 00:10:44,005
Kill me!
189
00:10:44,040 --> 00:10:45,365
Right, ladies.
190
00:10:45,400 --> 00:10:48,160
What can I get for you? Madam?
191
00:10:48,195 --> 00:10:51,097
Madam! Brilliant, thanks, Gary.
192
00:10:51,132 --> 00:10:54,000
Stevie, Stevie, Stevie, Stevie!
193
00:10:54,035 --> 00:10:57,205
Stevie! Stevie! Stevie!
194
00:10:57,240 --> 00:10:59,120
I won't stop! Stevie, Stevie!
195
00:10:59,155 --> 00:11:01,045
A little bit busy!
196
00:11:01,080 --> 00:11:04,560
I just saw Gary,
he's working next door. No way! And?
197
00:11:04,595 --> 00:11:08,925
I told him I was an Olympic gymnast.
198
00:11:08,960 --> 00:11:13,440
Why? You know when you get nervous
socially, you end up lying to impress? No.
199
00:11:13,475 --> 00:11:15,325
Exactly, we all do it.
200
00:11:15,360 --> 00:11:18,125
So, what's going on in here?
201
00:11:18,160 --> 00:11:20,405
They haven't
taken the baby stuff back.
202
00:11:20,440 --> 00:11:23,760
I've been on hold for over an hour.
Listen to the hold music.
203
00:11:23,795 --> 00:11:26,125
BANJO MUSIC PLAYS
204
00:11:26,160 --> 00:11:30,480
It's continuous. I'm going insane. And we've
had a double delivery of chocolate penii.
205
00:11:30,515 --> 00:11:31,885
Pfff!
206
00:11:31,920 --> 00:11:33,440
KLAXON SOUNDS
207
00:11:34,480 --> 00:11:36,405
You've never known how to have fun.
208
00:11:36,440 --> 00:11:38,485
Well, some of us
like to focus on work.
209
00:11:38,520 --> 00:11:42,280
Get round here and help
me tidy tidy, please.
210
00:11:42,315 --> 00:11:44,280
You can't get these in... Oh!
211
00:11:45,800 --> 00:11:48,685
Before you put the lid on. Oh!
212
00:11:48,720 --> 00:11:52,760
It's quite a nice shock though,
isn't it?
213
00:11:52,795 --> 00:11:54,800
Hello.
THEY SCREAM
214
00:11:56,440 --> 00:11:59,440
Sorry, didn't mean to scare you.
That's fine, Gary.
215
00:11:59,475 --> 00:12:02,317
You remember Stevie?
Stevie, it's Gary.
216
00:12:02,352 --> 00:12:05,160
We thought you'd
come out of Miranda's box.
217
00:12:08,840 --> 00:12:10,445
Wow, you seem busy.
218
00:12:10,480 --> 00:12:12,205
Things are obviously going well.
219
00:12:12,240 --> 00:12:17,760
Yeah, yeah. Put simply, I'm
deeply successful. So, look around.
220
00:12:17,795 --> 00:12:21,085
So, I'm a cock magnet. Shoot me.
221
00:12:21,120 --> 00:12:26,480
Look, I just popped in to ask, you're not with
anybody, or married or anything at the moment?
222
00:12:26,515 --> 00:12:27,965
Yep, yep, of course, yeah.
223
00:12:28,000 --> 00:12:31,360
Oh, really? Kids? Yeah, got two.
224
00:12:31,395 --> 00:12:33,240
There's Orlando...
225
00:12:34,280 --> 00:12:36,720
Orlando and, er...
226
00:12:36,755 --> 00:12:37,960
Bloom.
227
00:12:40,240 --> 00:12:41,805
You?
228
00:12:41,840 --> 00:12:45,680
No, still single. Me too. You just
said you're married?
229
00:12:45,715 --> 00:12:47,257
Divorced now.
230
00:12:47,292 --> 00:12:48,800
And the kids?
231
00:12:48,835 --> 00:12:49,920
Dead.
232
00:12:51,240 --> 00:12:52,720
Really? What happened?
233
00:12:52,755 --> 00:12:54,320
They froze.
234
00:12:56,200 --> 00:12:58,900
They froze to death, Gary.
235
00:12:58,935 --> 00:13:01,565
It's a funny story, actually.
236
00:13:01,600 --> 00:13:08,085
Not funny, ha ha. But, funny in
that it's almost unbelievable.
237
00:13:08,120 --> 00:13:14,140
We were on holiday in the Himalayas at the
base camp of Everest, and they were just running
238
00:13:14,175 --> 00:13:20,160
around in shorts and T-shirt, and I kept saying,
"Put your coat on, you'll catch your death!"
239
00:13:20,195 --> 00:13:22,200
And they did.
240
00:13:23,800 --> 00:13:25,765
None of that's true, is it? No.
241
00:13:25,800 --> 00:13:30,360
You know when you get nervous socially
and you end up lying to impress?
242
00:13:30,395 --> 00:13:33,165
No. Exactly, we all do it.
243
00:13:33,200 --> 00:13:37,080
Right, well, I just wanted to ask,
do you fancy...? Yes.
244
00:13:37,115 --> 00:13:39,040
I haven't said anything.
245
00:13:39,075 --> 00:13:40,560
I'll do whatever.
246
00:13:42,920 --> 00:13:47,000
Do you fancy grabbing a bite later? I'm
not working, it would be good to catch up.
247
00:13:47,035 --> 00:13:49,605
We could go to the
restaurant, free food.
248
00:13:49,640 --> 00:13:52,340
Don't worry, it's not a date,
it's just a thing.
249
00:13:52,375 --> 00:13:55,040
INDIAN ACCENT: I do like,
I do like very much!
250
00:13:58,320 --> 00:14:00,680
Why am I doing an Indian accent?
251
00:14:02,560 --> 00:14:05,440
Cool, great. I'll pop in
when I've finished my shift.
252
00:14:05,475 --> 00:14:07,200
Great, OK.
253
00:14:07,235 --> 00:14:08,720
Ciao.
254
00:14:10,480 --> 00:14:13,240
Froze to death?!
255
00:14:14,400 --> 00:14:17,205
Orlando and Bloom?!
256
00:14:17,240 --> 00:14:19,480
I've got a date! I've got a date!
257
00:14:19,515 --> 00:14:21,357
I've got a date!
258
00:14:21,392 --> 00:14:23,165
Oh, what to do?
259
00:14:23,200 --> 00:14:24,725
OK, what would the girls do?
260
00:14:24,760 --> 00:14:27,200
Shopping, of course.
Something to wear.
261
00:14:27,235 --> 00:14:29,805
I'll Trinny and Susannah myself.
262
00:14:29,840 --> 00:14:33,280
I couldn't do it with them, because
I'd have to punch them in the face.
263
00:14:34,920 --> 00:14:37,560
I hate those kind of programmes.
264
00:14:37,595 --> 00:14:40,165
"Welcome to I'm OK, You're Obese."
265
00:14:40,200 --> 00:14:42,960
I know what I'd do
if I had one of those shows.
266
00:14:42,995 --> 00:14:47,005
Excuse me, hello?
267
00:14:47,040 --> 00:14:52,120
Right, let's have a look at you. Well, I wouldn't
wear that top, but you look comfortable, are you?
268
00:14:52,155 --> 00:14:53,725
Yes. Do you like it?
269
00:14:53,760 --> 00:14:57,040
Yeah. Do you care that
others may not like it? No.
270
00:14:57,075 --> 00:14:59,765
Brilliant, then wear that then, bye.
271
00:14:59,800 --> 00:15:01,880
Come on, come on.
This is going really well.
272
00:15:01,915 --> 00:15:03,920
APPLAUSE
273
00:15:05,840 --> 00:15:08,005
Where are you going?
274
00:15:08,040 --> 00:15:10,085
I've got to get something to wear.
275
00:15:10,120 --> 00:15:15,120
How often do I have a date?
Never, it's my first one.
276
00:15:15,155 --> 00:15:20,325
First one
of the many others I have also had.
277
00:15:20,360 --> 00:15:24,920
I thought he said it wasn't a date. He said it
was a thing, that's code for a date, isn't it?
278
00:15:24,955 --> 00:15:27,005
Well, just don't scare Gary off, OK?
279
00:15:27,040 --> 00:15:29,005
And you can help me
before you go shopping.
280
00:15:29,040 --> 00:15:33,485
We've had another delivery of baby stock,
the hen night stock is still not here
281
00:15:33,520 --> 00:15:39,360
and I'm not enjoying telling the delivery company
we're still missing fluffy handcuffs and love eggs.
282
00:15:39,395 --> 00:15:42,600
Degrading, so no
shoppy-shoppy until you tidy-tidy.
283
00:15:42,635 --> 00:15:44,720
I'm fairly sure that's racist.
284
00:15:48,840 --> 00:15:51,800
I can see you!
That was your fault, get out.
285
00:15:53,680 --> 00:15:56,525
Look, don't you want to achieve?
286
00:15:56,560 --> 00:16:02,080
I always think big, and then
I think small. Heather Small.
287
00:16:02,115 --> 00:16:03,645
I ask myself...
288
00:16:03,680 --> 00:16:07,880
# What have you done today
to make you feel proud? #
289
00:16:12,680 --> 00:16:14,765
What are you going to say? Fine, I'd
say,
290
00:16:14,800 --> 00:16:18,520
"Heather, Heather Small, you were
excellent on Strictly Come Dancing."
291
00:16:18,555 --> 00:16:20,645
She was, wasn't she?
292
00:16:20,680 --> 00:16:25,205
And today, I helped my lovely little
friend by putting the boxes away.
293
00:16:25,240 --> 00:16:31,080
Thank you. And not in the
kitchen/workstation/break area/my personal space.
294
00:16:31,115 --> 00:16:32,565
Slash!
295
00:16:32,600 --> 00:16:38,920
Good word. Sorry... Stevie, I wouldn't. Good,
because I wouldn't put them in your flat/...
296
00:16:38,955 --> 00:16:41,960
Slash!...Personal space.
297
00:16:41,995 --> 00:16:43,645
No, exactly.
298
00:16:43,680 --> 00:16:46,960
So, I wouldn't do that to you.
299
00:16:55,320 --> 00:16:57,805
Hi!
300
00:16:57,840 --> 00:16:59,045
Forgot to say
earlier,
301
00:16:59,080 --> 00:17:03,560
I'm just going to the baby shop to get a present
for cousin Georgina's christening tomorrow.
302
00:17:03,595 --> 00:17:06,960
Very anti-social to have it on
what I call a weekday.
303
00:17:06,995 --> 00:17:08,805
It's a weekday.
304
00:17:08,840 --> 00:17:11,880
It's not just what
you call a weekday.
305
00:17:11,915 --> 00:17:14,365
It is a weekday.
306
00:17:14,400 --> 00:17:18,480
That's such an annoying
"what I call" phrase.
307
00:17:20,160 --> 00:17:22,440
Shall I get you
something to give them?
308
00:17:22,475 --> 00:17:24,685
I didn't even know
there was a christening.
309
00:17:24,720 --> 00:17:29,600
I don't know what I'm going to
get them. Such an ugly baby.
310
00:17:29,635 --> 00:17:32,520
Your father suggested a balaclava!
311
00:17:32,555 --> 00:17:35,005
Such fun.
312
00:17:35,040 --> 00:17:40,640
Right, well I must dash, I'm off to meet
someone for a spot of what I call tea.
313
00:17:40,675 --> 00:17:43,457
It is tea, it just is tea.
314
00:17:43,492 --> 00:17:46,240
Stevie? I've tidy-tidied.
315
00:17:48,000 --> 00:17:50,245
Right, clothes shops.
316
00:17:50,280 --> 00:17:52,925
I've been to Big and Long, nothing.
317
00:17:52,960 --> 00:17:55,720
Just because people are
taller or bigger than average,
318
00:17:55,755 --> 00:17:58,480
why do we have to shop in
patronisingly named places?
319
00:17:58,515 --> 00:18:01,237
What's next? Lanky and Sweaty?
320
00:18:01,272 --> 00:18:03,960
Swallowers and Amazonians?
321
00:18:03,995 --> 00:18:06,120
Huge and Gross?
322
00:18:12,560 --> 00:18:14,400
Dress to 48 chest,
323
00:18:14,435 --> 00:18:16,205
shoes to 14...
324
00:18:16,240 --> 00:18:19,200
Big sizes for once, perfect!
325
00:18:27,400 --> 00:18:28,565
Hi.
326
00:18:28,600 --> 00:18:30,805
Hi. How can we help you?
327
00:18:30,840 --> 00:18:35,960
I'm looking for something flattering
for me, and really feminine.
328
00:18:35,995 --> 00:18:41,080
Because, this might sound ridiculous
but, I often get called "Sir".
329
00:18:41,115 --> 00:18:43,365
I know, embarrassing.
330
00:18:43,400 --> 00:18:47,440
And, I'm going out tonight and I
really don't want it to happen then.
331
00:18:48,960 --> 00:18:50,445
I hear you.
332
00:18:50,480 --> 00:18:54,280
Right,
let's have a look at you, shall we?
333
00:18:54,315 --> 00:18:58,077
Well, you're naturally very feminine.
334
00:18:58,112 --> 00:19:01,840
You're lucky.
Shapely, ladylike curves.
335
00:19:04,880 --> 00:19:07,565
As for these...
336
00:19:07,600 --> 00:19:14,520
Astonishing! I've seen quite a few in my
time, but these are frankly something else.
337
00:19:14,555 --> 00:19:17,617
Thank you.
Nice hair, where did you get it?
338
00:19:17,652 --> 00:19:20,680
My father's side.
Oh, never heard of them.
339
00:19:22,480 --> 00:19:24,485
It's not going to take much.
340
00:19:24,520 --> 00:19:29,325
Heads will turn, and not
in a pointing and staring way.
341
00:19:29,360 --> 00:19:33,540
I always knew I could pull it off, but I just
didn't know what clothes would suit me best.
342
00:19:33,575 --> 00:19:37,720
Well there's no point in wearing jeans and
T-shirt, is there? You might as well be a man!
343
00:19:37,755 --> 00:19:42,040
Well, let's
sort you out for tonight, young lady!
344
00:19:42,075 --> 00:19:44,440
Lady!
345
00:19:46,080 --> 00:19:48,360
Stevie, I've got an
outfit, are you ready?
346
00:19:48,395 --> 00:19:50,680
Just give me a second.
347
00:20:02,240 --> 00:20:04,965
So, how do I look? Hang on.
348
00:20:05,000 --> 00:20:07,520
Oh sorry, I didn't
realise we had anyone here.
349
00:20:07,555 --> 00:20:09,040
That is no problem.
350
00:20:09,075 --> 00:20:11,605
Wow!
351
00:20:11,640 --> 00:20:16,640
Can I just say, you look gorgeous.
Thank you.
352
00:20:16,675 --> 00:20:20,525
It is amazing, so feminine.
353
00:20:20,560 --> 00:20:23,880
Oh, stop it.
Seriously, you could pass.
354
00:20:23,915 --> 00:20:29,960
Really? Pass? Brilliant. I passed.
355
00:20:31,400 --> 00:20:33,840
Miranda, why are you
dressed as a transvestite?
356
00:20:38,440 --> 00:20:40,200
I'm so sorry. I thought...
357
00:20:40,235 --> 00:20:42,240
Just get out please.
358
00:20:45,600 --> 00:20:47,525
You know, don't worry,
359
00:20:47,560 --> 00:20:52,600
didn't he just say that you looked
gorgeous and feminine?
360
00:20:52,635 --> 00:20:55,845
As a man, Stevie.
361
00:20:55,880 --> 00:21:00,520
For a man he thought I was
gorgeous and feminine. A man.
362
00:21:00,555 --> 00:21:03,365
A man!
363
00:21:03,400 --> 00:21:05,445
Are you laughing?
364
00:21:05,480 --> 00:21:08,000
There is nothing funny here.
365
00:21:09,680 --> 00:21:13,480
There isn't because I wear normal
everyday clothes and get called "Sir".
366
00:21:13,515 --> 00:21:16,720
I actually make an effort,
I am a transvestite.
367
00:21:22,400 --> 00:21:24,700
Hi.
368
00:21:24,735 --> 00:21:26,965
Hi.
369
00:21:27,000 --> 00:21:30,320
Did we say it was
fancy dress tonight?
370
00:21:30,355 --> 00:21:32,217
This isn't fancy dress.
371
00:21:32,252 --> 00:21:34,045
Yes, it is fancy dress.
372
00:21:34,080 --> 00:21:37,320
I was trying on our new range of...
373
00:21:37,355 --> 00:21:39,897
Transvestite costumes.
374
00:21:39,932 --> 00:21:42,440
How does that help?
375
00:21:42,475 --> 00:21:44,045
I don't know,
376
00:21:44,080 --> 00:21:46,280
I don't know, I'm panicking.
377
00:21:46,315 --> 00:21:47,800
You're panicking?
378
00:21:49,960 --> 00:21:53,220
It'll be fine, just be yourself.
379
00:21:53,255 --> 00:21:56,480
What an appalling piece of advice.
380
00:21:59,520 --> 00:22:02,205
Shall I come back?
381
00:22:02,240 --> 00:22:05,085
Two seconds, I'll just get changed.
382
00:22:05,120 --> 00:22:09,880
Miranda, I cannot believe
you filled my personal space.
383
00:22:09,915 --> 00:22:12,640
This is not the time,
that is not what it sounds.
384
00:22:12,675 --> 00:22:14,680
I'll be two seconds.
385
00:22:23,520 --> 00:22:26,960
I'll just get "chang-ee".
386
00:22:30,640 --> 00:22:34,365
How did you end up being a chef? Just
picked it up when I was travelling.
387
00:22:34,400 --> 00:22:38,520
Worked in a lot of restaurants, really
got into it. I've found what I want to do.
388
00:22:38,555 --> 00:22:41,760
That's great. Your parents must be
pleased with that, how is your mum?
389
00:22:41,795 --> 00:22:45,800
Still frantically trying to find
me a wife. My mum is the same.
390
00:22:45,835 --> 00:22:47,680
What, trying to find you a wife?
391
00:22:47,715 --> 00:22:49,360
Finding me a wife.
392
00:22:51,680 --> 00:22:53,845
Just to be clear,
393
00:22:53,880 --> 00:22:58,360
she wants me to find a husband
because I am a woman.
394
00:22:58,395 --> 00:23:00,640
Right.
395
00:23:02,040 --> 00:23:06,960
Exactly, it's not just marriage,
it's the desperation to have kids.
396
00:23:06,995 --> 00:23:11,045
I know, I don't have that
desperate urge to breed.
397
00:23:11,080 --> 00:23:16,040
I'm up here, if we did have that
desperate urge to breed, we could...
398
00:23:17,080 --> 00:23:19,440
(Why?!)
399
00:23:22,080 --> 00:23:23,600
He's gone up.
400
00:23:27,480 --> 00:23:32,020
The number of woman who turn 30 and
suddenly they're obsessed with babies.
401
00:23:32,055 --> 00:23:36,560
So boring. I have a fairly normal,
healthy interest in children but...
402
00:23:44,000 --> 00:23:46,160
It's getting late. Bye.
403
00:23:51,000 --> 00:23:53,325
HORN BLARES
404
00:23:53,360 --> 00:23:55,085
You ruined my chances last night.
405
00:23:55,120 --> 00:23:58,920
Turns out a flat full of baby stock
isn't an aphrodisiac.
406
00:23:58,955 --> 00:24:01,560
Gary was in your flat? Was he lost?
407
00:24:02,920 --> 00:24:08,920
Sorry. I just didn't think he'd come back and you
shouldn't have put it all in my personal space.
408
00:24:08,955 --> 00:24:13,240
I'm sorry. Everything
seems tidy-tidy in here now.
409
00:24:13,275 --> 00:24:15,565
They've finally picked up
the extra penii.
410
00:24:15,600 --> 00:24:21,320
I've had a call from the baby shop and that stuff
upstairs is theirs and they have got our hen night stuff.
411
00:24:21,355 --> 00:24:27,760
Miranda, you are in a street
with some very dodgy businesses.
412
00:24:27,795 --> 00:24:31,725
That baby shop,
I've just come from the christening.
413
00:24:31,760 --> 00:24:36,040
Marjorie gave a silver-encrusted
rattle, Victoria an engraved mug,
414
00:24:36,075 --> 00:24:41,697
I presented what I thought
was a lovely toy rabbit,
415
00:24:41,732 --> 00:24:47,320
turns out it was a
battery-operated rabbit... toy.
416
00:24:49,120 --> 00:24:51,560
Worst thing was the baby loved it.
417
00:24:55,880 --> 00:24:58,085
Couldn't prise it off him.
418
00:24:58,120 --> 00:25:04,560
It was absolutely,
what I call, mortifying.
419
00:25:08,920 --> 00:25:12,680
What are you doing?
I am being nonchalant for Gary.
420
00:25:12,715 --> 00:25:14,240
Good luck.
421
00:25:17,560 --> 00:25:22,365
Miranda. Hello, Gary,
that is weird seeing you here.
422
00:25:22,400 --> 00:25:27,440
I work here. Isn't that weird, of all
the restaurants I could have popped into.
423
00:25:27,475 --> 00:25:30,405
I work here and you know that.
It is all very weird.
424
00:25:30,440 --> 00:25:35,085
Look, I was going to come and see you
later, I should apologise about last night.
425
00:25:35,120 --> 00:25:39,520
I shouldn't have stormed off without you
explaining everything. There was a stock mix-up.
426
00:25:39,555 --> 00:25:43,920
You don't need to explain, but you do need
to let me take you out for a drink later.
427
00:25:43,955 --> 00:25:45,645
OK.
428
00:25:45,680 --> 00:25:50,120
Great. Was there anything else? Did you want
to order some food? Do you do wedding cakes?
429
00:25:51,120 --> 00:25:53,325
No, no!
430
00:25:53,360 --> 00:25:57,440
That was a joke. That was the worst
kind of joke I could have made.
431
00:25:57,475 --> 00:25:59,560
You know I am not into
all that stuff, don't you?
432
00:26:07,000 --> 00:26:08,805
Sorry I'm late.
433
00:26:08,840 --> 00:26:11,445
Wow, you look great.
434
00:26:11,480 --> 00:26:15,400
I'm amongst friends so
I can be honest. Shush!
435
00:26:15,435 --> 00:26:19,285
I don't think I have
ever felt more beautiful.
436
00:26:19,320 --> 00:26:22,480
You have to try one on, it's
the most amazing experience.
437
00:26:22,515 --> 00:26:24,565
Better than anything horse.
438
00:26:24,600 --> 00:26:26,400
A bit weird with no engagement ring.
439
00:26:26,435 --> 00:26:28,765
Hello, sir.
440
00:26:28,800 --> 00:26:31,000
Right, I
would like to try one on, please.
441
00:26:31,035 --> 00:26:32,565
Really?
442
00:26:32,600 --> 00:26:38,080
Oh, sorry, yes,
I think we may have something. Size?
443
00:26:38,115 --> 00:26:39,760
10.
444
00:26:41,920 --> 00:26:43,680
Tenty!
445
00:26:45,280 --> 00:26:47,765
I'm a size 20.
446
00:26:47,800 --> 00:26:50,840
I think we have one in a "tenty"!
447
00:27:00,800 --> 00:27:04,365
I'm amongst friends
so I can be honest.
448
00:27:04,400 --> 00:27:06,640
I don't think I have
ever felt more beautiful.
449
00:27:08,320 --> 00:27:10,565
Really? No.
450
00:27:10,600 --> 00:27:14,685
I look like I've had a
chiffon-based anaphylactic shock.
451
00:27:14,720 --> 00:27:19,040
It would be a nightmare if my mother
walked past and fainted with joy.
452
00:27:21,040 --> 00:27:22,360
No!
453
00:27:37,280 --> 00:27:41,160
This is almost getting ridiculous.
Gary!
454
00:27:41,195 --> 00:27:43,645
Come back.
455
00:27:43,680 --> 00:27:47,320
I am not desperate.
What are you scared of?
456
00:27:47,355 --> 00:27:53,720
Gary! Gary, come back.
457
00:27:53,755 --> 00:27:59,960
Gary! Gary!
458
00:28:25,080 --> 00:28:28,120
Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
459
00:28:28,155 --> 00:28:31,160
E-mail: subtitling@bbc.co.uk
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