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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:04,480 Now, the hare hops around the tree. Now, the hare hops around the tree. 2 00:00:04,480 --> 00:00:06,280 And then she's startled! She jumps into the hole. 3 00:00:06,280 --> 00:00:08,000 And then she jumps into the hole. 4 00:00:08,000 --> 00:00:10,440 Put smoke in hole, wait with spear. 5 00:00:10,440 --> 00:00:11,640 Put smoke in the... No. What? 6 00:00:11,640 --> 00:00:13,880 Sorry. No, that's not... No. 7 00:00:13,880 --> 00:00:16,520 Oh, I'm just going to do a school knot. Not a proper knot, mate. 8 00:00:16,520 --> 00:00:17,680 Are you stressed? 9 00:00:17,680 --> 00:00:18,800 Don't be stressed. 10 00:00:18,800 --> 00:00:20,480 You can always go back to the gooseberry farm. 11 00:00:20,480 --> 00:00:22,240 Well, you weren't there when I left. Hm. 12 00:00:22,240 --> 00:00:23,960 Just think of the gate house. 13 00:00:23,960 --> 00:00:25,800 I'm very proud of you. Mm. OK? 14 00:00:25,800 --> 00:00:29,800 Aw! I remember my first day at the bank. Terrible tummy ache. 15 00:00:29,800 --> 00:00:31,040 Yes, my first day as CO, 16 00:00:31,040 --> 00:00:32,840 I must admit I had some butterflies. 17 00:00:32,840 --> 00:00:36,000 First time hunt mammoth, me be bricking it. 18 00:00:37,560 --> 00:00:39,480 What about you, Julian? Me? 19 00:00:39,480 --> 00:00:42,640 Well, can't say I've ever suffered from first day nerves. 20 00:00:42,640 --> 00:00:45,120 It's a bit short. Oh. That's how I used to do in school. 21 00:00:45,120 --> 00:00:47,720 Ooh, yes. what about school? What, Harrow? 22 00:00:47,720 --> 00:00:50,240 Nah! It was like a second home. 23 00:00:50,240 --> 00:00:52,080 Well, third home. We had a second home. 24 00:00:52,080 --> 00:00:54,600 Fourth if you count the one in Provence. 25 00:00:54,600 --> 00:00:57,360 University and so on? Er, same boys, really. 26 00:00:57,360 --> 00:00:59,400 Surely the first day in parliament must have been... 27 00:00:59,400 --> 00:01:01,080 Again - same boys, really. 28 00:01:01,080 --> 00:01:03,560 So you're saying you've never been in a situation 29 00:01:03,560 --> 00:01:05,200 where you felt out of your depth? 30 00:01:05,200 --> 00:01:07,240 Nah. Not that I can recall. 31 00:01:07,240 --> 00:01:08,480 Hm. 32 00:01:08,480 --> 00:01:10,560 WOMAN SOBBING, ECHOING: Oh, God, no! 33 00:01:10,560 --> 00:01:12,520 SIRENS WAIL 34 00:01:10,560 --> 00:01:12,520 999, what's your emergency? 35 00:01:12,520 --> 00:01:15,120 We think he's had a heart attack. No, he isn't breathing. 36 00:01:15,120 --> 00:01:16,760 Patient is unresponsive. 37 00:01:16,760 --> 00:01:17,920 Clear! 38 00:01:17,920 --> 00:01:19,520 DEFIBRILLATOR WHIRRING 39 00:01:19,520 --> 00:01:20,680 Terminating CPR. 40 00:01:20,680 --> 00:01:21,720 Hello? 41 00:01:23,560 --> 00:01:24,720 Lindsay? 42 00:01:24,720 --> 00:01:25,880 Lindsay! 43 00:01:28,920 --> 00:01:30,160 What the hell is going on?! 44 00:01:30,160 --> 00:01:31,360 They can't hear you. 45 00:01:31,360 --> 00:01:33,800 Oh! What? 46 00:01:33,800 --> 00:01:35,120 Uh! 47 00:01:35,120 --> 00:01:36,960 Oh, no... 48 00:01:36,960 --> 00:01:38,800 Oh... 49 00:01:38,800 --> 00:01:40,160 Oh, dear. 50 00:01:40,160 --> 00:01:41,720 Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! 51 00:01:41,720 --> 00:01:42,960 New guy! 52 00:02:03,880 --> 00:02:06,920 Alison, if I may, since Michael is at work today, 53 00:02:06,920 --> 00:02:09,040 I wondered if you might like to accompany me 54 00:02:09,040 --> 00:02:10,640 for a turn about the grounds? 55 00:02:10,640 --> 00:02:12,040 Actually, I can't because... 56 00:02:12,040 --> 00:02:14,720 Alison is spending the day with me today, Thomas. 57 00:02:14,720 --> 00:02:17,720 Dancing. She promised. I did, actually. 58 00:02:17,720 --> 00:02:19,320 I said we could make up a dance routine 59 00:02:19,320 --> 00:02:21,400 like I did with my friends at school. Mad. 60 00:02:21,400 --> 00:02:23,320 Well, I can help you devise your piece, 61 00:02:23,320 --> 00:02:26,000 provide an outside eye, constructive criticism... 62 00:02:26,000 --> 00:02:27,960 Thomas, I don't want you to... It's no trouble at all. 63 00:02:27,960 --> 00:02:30,080 No, I don't think... Shush now. Nay, nay, nay. 64 00:02:30,080 --> 00:02:32,480 Ugh! OK. OK. 65 00:02:33,880 --> 00:02:36,200 Knock 'em dead. Isn't he leaving? 66 00:02:36,200 --> 00:02:38,040 No, he's working from home, online. 67 00:02:38,040 --> 00:02:41,080 Mm! Working from home? Fascinating. 68 00:02:41,080 --> 00:02:42,920 You're going to be great. OK? 69 00:02:42,920 --> 00:02:45,240 Hello! I invented that look. 70 00:02:45,240 --> 00:02:46,440 Come on, Alison! 71 00:02:46,440 --> 00:02:47,800 OK. Let's start straight away. 72 00:02:47,800 --> 00:02:50,520 Alison! I was thinking that we could grow from a seed... Alison! 73 00:02:50,520 --> 00:02:52,920 ..into a flower... Alison! 74 00:02:52,920 --> 00:02:56,400 Ugh! There's womens on television talking about all sorts, 75 00:02:56,400 --> 00:02:57,920 giving their 'pinions freely. 76 00:02:57,920 --> 00:03:02,360 Loose Women, Mary. Awful programme. Yes, yes! Loose Womens. 77 00:03:02,360 --> 00:03:04,640 Me like Christine Lampard. 78 00:03:04,640 --> 00:03:06,280 Oh, I do fear for them, Alison. VEHICLE OUTSIDE 79 00:03:06,280 --> 00:03:10,360 If the menfolk catch them so wantonly expressing theirselves, 80 00:03:10,360 --> 00:03:12,560 the loud one... Coleen Nolan. 81 00:03:12,560 --> 00:03:15,080 Well, she will be ducked for sure. Mm. 82 00:03:15,080 --> 00:03:17,000 KNOCK AT DOOR Ooh! It's probably just a parcel. 83 00:03:17,000 --> 00:03:18,440 I'll be one sec, OK? 84 00:03:18,440 --> 00:03:19,840 KITTY: Ugh! 85 00:03:19,840 --> 00:03:22,080 You want play chess? 86 00:03:22,080 --> 00:03:23,120 Er... 87 00:03:24,280 --> 00:03:25,320 Not today, Robin. 88 00:03:27,480 --> 00:03:29,160 Then I will play with myself. 89 00:03:32,720 --> 00:03:34,400 Hi. Hello. 90 00:03:37,880 --> 00:03:40,040 Can I help you...? 91 00:03:40,040 --> 00:03:41,560 Er, yeah. 92 00:03:41,560 --> 00:03:42,840 Yeah? 93 00:03:42,840 --> 00:03:46,280 Um, sorry, you're Alison, aren't you? Yes. 94 00:03:46,280 --> 00:03:49,040 OK, well, my name's Lucy and, er... 95 00:03:49,040 --> 00:03:52,800 Well, it's...probably going to come as a shock. 96 00:03:52,800 --> 00:03:54,160 Oh, God. Erm... 97 00:03:56,200 --> 00:03:58,880 I'm just going to say it. I think I'm your half sister. 98 00:04:01,720 --> 00:04:05,080 Hi, everyone. Hello. Hi. 99 00:04:05,080 --> 00:04:08,280 Looking very smart, Mike. Loving the tie. 100 00:04:08,280 --> 00:04:11,040 I won't take too much of your time before you get cracking. 101 00:04:11,040 --> 00:04:13,280 All the stuff we went through in the induction meeting - 102 00:04:13,280 --> 00:04:14,520 there are no quotas. 103 00:04:14,520 --> 00:04:17,400 We are not a factory, you are not machines, OK? 104 00:04:17,400 --> 00:04:20,040 Having said that, keep the numbers up, stick to the script 105 00:04:20,040 --> 00:04:22,200 and don't ask open questions. Got it. 106 00:04:22,200 --> 00:04:24,920 Your job is to sign them up, not to hear their life stories. 107 00:04:24,920 --> 00:04:26,640 Excellent briefing. She's right, Michael. 108 00:04:26,640 --> 00:04:29,400 Quick in and out, like special forces. Carry on. 109 00:04:29,400 --> 00:04:32,800 I'll sometimes listen in and you can talk to me in the chat window. 110 00:04:35,800 --> 00:04:37,720 But please keep it to business. 111 00:04:37,720 --> 00:04:38,960 Ah. 112 00:04:38,960 --> 00:04:40,680 Is that a tongue sticking out? 113 00:04:40,680 --> 00:04:42,560 No, no, no. Does anybody have any last questions? 114 00:04:44,720 --> 00:04:46,640 It was just a summer thing, I guess. 115 00:04:46,640 --> 00:04:48,280 I don't think it lasted long. 116 00:04:48,280 --> 00:04:51,040 I don't like her. Just a holiday thing. Her eyes are too far apart. 117 00:04:51,040 --> 00:04:53,360 And she smells and she hit me. 118 00:04:53,360 --> 00:04:57,160 She can't! Well, she wanted to. She's a baddie. 119 00:04:57,160 --> 00:04:58,520 Then Mum found out she was pregnant 120 00:04:58,520 --> 00:05:00,080 and she didn't have an address for him, 121 00:05:00,080 --> 00:05:02,600 so just got on with it, I suppose. 122 00:05:02,600 --> 00:05:05,200 Do you take sugar? One, please. 123 00:05:05,200 --> 00:05:06,720 Same as me. 124 00:05:06,720 --> 00:05:07,880 THOMAS: Gosh! 125 00:05:07,880 --> 00:05:09,400 So alike. Huh! 126 00:05:09,400 --> 00:05:12,040 But, yeah, she tried the phone book and stuff... You all right, Thomas? 127 00:05:12,040 --> 00:05:14,200 If they'd had Facebook, it would have been different. Huh? 128 00:05:14,200 --> 00:05:16,280 Tea, one sugar. Well, that's what she said, 129 00:05:16,280 --> 00:05:18,640 but maybe she didn't want to find him. Who knows? 130 00:05:18,640 --> 00:05:21,320 It was only when I was 16 that my mum told me all this. 131 00:05:21,320 --> 00:05:22,800 I mean, chinny reckon! 132 00:05:22,800 --> 00:05:25,560 She sat me down and she said... You know, I had this myself. 133 00:05:25,560 --> 00:05:27,680 They show up out of the blue with some story about 134 00:05:27,680 --> 00:05:30,600 how you slept with their mother at the party conference in '74 135 00:05:30,600 --> 00:05:33,080 and how you should pay off their student debt. 136 00:05:33,080 --> 00:05:35,840 Did that really happen? Well, yeah, once or twice. 137 00:05:35,840 --> 00:05:39,000 And then I'm watching a documentary on TV 138 00:05:39,000 --> 00:05:42,200 and you come on and they show a photo of you with your parents 139 00:05:42,200 --> 00:05:44,000 and it's him. Oh! Gracious. 140 00:05:44,000 --> 00:05:46,640 I... I just couldn't believe it. 141 00:05:46,640 --> 00:05:49,240 All these years, all I've ever had was his name... 142 00:05:49,240 --> 00:05:51,120 I mean, where's the evidence?! 143 00:05:51,120 --> 00:05:52,360 ..and this photo. 144 00:05:52,360 --> 00:05:55,280 Oh, right. That's him, to be fair. Yeah. Same bloke. 145 00:05:55,280 --> 00:05:57,920 Is this when he was living in Cornwall? Yeah. 146 00:05:59,200 --> 00:06:02,360 Oh, my God. I'm sorry. I know it must be a bit of a bombshell. 147 00:06:02,360 --> 00:06:04,680 KITTY: We're meant to be having fun today, 148 00:06:04,680 --> 00:06:07,440 not listening to boring stories. 149 00:06:07,440 --> 00:06:10,400 Ugh... No, erm... Alison! No, no, it is. 150 00:06:10,400 --> 00:06:12,560 Hurry it up! 151 00:06:12,560 --> 00:06:15,280 Um, I could do your dance with you, Kitty, if you like. 152 00:06:15,280 --> 00:06:18,680 It's meant to be with Alison. Just until she's ready to take over. 153 00:06:18,680 --> 00:06:21,160 Fine! But we still need the music on. 154 00:06:21,160 --> 00:06:23,880 She's got a point, Alison. Erm... 155 00:06:23,880 --> 00:06:26,320 Do you...? Do you want to see my photos? 156 00:06:26,320 --> 00:06:27,960 Oh, my God, I'd love to. 157 00:06:29,520 --> 00:06:30,840 Follow me. Great. 158 00:06:30,840 --> 00:06:33,480 Oh! Whoa! That was close. 159 00:06:35,440 --> 00:06:37,880 HEATHER BUTTON: No, the fundraiser's over. 160 00:06:37,880 --> 00:06:40,240 He took his body away in an ambulance. 161 00:06:40,240 --> 00:06:42,160 Of course everyone's gone home. Heather! 162 00:06:42,160 --> 00:06:44,200 Heather! I just hope to God the press don't get hold of it. 163 00:06:44,200 --> 00:06:45,720 Something very strange is happening to me. 164 00:06:45,720 --> 00:06:46,880 Whoa! 165 00:06:46,880 --> 00:06:50,000 Oh, ha-ha-ha! Don't worry. 166 00:06:50,000 --> 00:06:51,360 You gets used to it. 167 00:06:51,360 --> 00:06:52,520 You don't! 168 00:07:02,080 --> 00:07:04,000 NEWS THEME 169 00:07:05,480 --> 00:07:06,760 Where be the women? 170 00:07:06,760 --> 00:07:08,880 REPORTER: Several arrests have been made in Watford today. 171 00:07:08,880 --> 00:07:11,240 They have been cleared out. The suspects have been remanded 172 00:07:11,240 --> 00:07:15,040 in custody and will face trial next month. If found guilty... Trial. 173 00:07:15,040 --> 00:07:17,000 A tr... Oh, dear! 174 00:07:17,000 --> 00:07:19,040 Oh, dear, oh, dear! 175 00:07:19,040 --> 00:07:22,480 ..both conmen in their late 30s. Oh, no, a trial! A trial! 176 00:07:22,480 --> 00:07:24,200 LINE RINGS 177 00:07:24,200 --> 00:07:25,360 Here we go. 178 00:07:25,360 --> 00:07:28,880 Remember your training. Stick to the script. You'll be fine. 179 00:07:28,880 --> 00:07:31,120 Hello. Hi there. My name's Mike. 180 00:07:31,120 --> 00:07:33,800 I'm calling on behalf of Spirited Life Insurance. Good. 181 00:07:33,800 --> 00:07:35,400 LINE GOES DEAD 182 00:07:33,800 --> 00:07:35,400 Hello? 183 00:07:35,400 --> 00:07:37,440 What? Oh. 184 00:07:37,440 --> 00:07:41,040 Better luck next time. Chin up. Here we go. Stand by. 185 00:07:41,040 --> 00:07:43,000 Hello? You're connected. That's a go for Michael. 186 00:07:43,000 --> 00:07:44,160 Hi there. My name's Mike. 187 00:07:44,160 --> 00:07:46,720 I'm calling on behalf of Spirited Life Insurance. Very good. 188 00:07:46,720 --> 00:07:48,400 Oh, I see. Hello. 189 00:07:48,400 --> 00:07:49,840 Hi. How are you today? 190 00:07:49,840 --> 00:07:50,960 Open question! 191 00:07:50,960 --> 00:07:52,120 Oh, I'm fine. 192 00:07:52,120 --> 00:07:54,880 Bit of a bad back, but I can't complain at my age. 193 00:07:54,880 --> 00:07:56,640 Come on. Oh, that doesn't sound very nice. 194 00:07:56,640 --> 00:07:59,480 Oh, it's agony, Mike. I've got painkillers, 195 00:07:59,480 --> 00:08:01,680 but I don't like to take them. No? 196 00:08:01,680 --> 00:08:03,360 Just stick to the script, man! 197 00:08:03,360 --> 00:08:05,680 Oh, give him a break. It's his first day. 198 00:08:05,680 --> 00:08:07,840 It's hardly breaking the Enigma code, is it? 199 00:08:07,840 --> 00:08:08,880 Like you could do better. 200 00:08:08,880 --> 00:08:11,280 Well, I really rather think I could actually, Humphrey. 201 00:08:11,280 --> 00:08:13,280 Yeah, I think I'd be employee of the month. 202 00:08:13,280 --> 00:08:14,600 Oh, all right, then. Prove it. 203 00:08:14,600 --> 00:08:16,960 I'll be the customer. What? No, come on. Go on. 204 00:08:16,960 --> 00:08:19,960 Ring-ring! Ring-ring! Oh, all right. 205 00:08:19,960 --> 00:08:21,520 Hello, Mr Cheese speaking. 206 00:08:21,520 --> 00:08:23,000 Right, right. Hello. 207 00:08:23,000 --> 00:08:25,400 I... Mr Cheese? That's a ridiculous name. 208 00:08:25,400 --> 00:08:27,440 How dare you insult my name? Who is this? 209 00:08:27,440 --> 00:08:29,440 No, no, I wasn't doing the thing just then. 210 00:08:29,440 --> 00:08:31,640 Wasn't doing what thing? Come on, I'm a very busy man. 211 00:08:31,640 --> 00:08:32,800 I've got chickens to feed. 212 00:08:32,800 --> 00:08:34,280 CLEARS THROAT 213 00:08:32,800 --> 00:08:34,280 Hello. Yes? 214 00:08:34,280 --> 00:08:37,320 I'm calling on behalf of Spirited Life Insurance. 215 00:08:37,320 --> 00:08:38,440 Hello. And I was... 216 00:08:38,440 --> 00:08:41,320 I was rather wondering whether... Sorry, it's a very bad line. 217 00:08:41,320 --> 00:08:42,440 I can hardly hear you. 218 00:08:42,440 --> 00:08:44,080 Hello? Hello? 219 00:08:44,080 --> 00:08:46,480 Hello? Hello? Hello? 220 00:08:46,480 --> 00:08:48,560 Hello. Hello? Hello? 221 00:08:48,560 --> 00:08:50,720 Hello! Hello. Yes, I'm calling... Hello? 222 00:08:50,720 --> 00:08:51,920 This is Graham Cheese. 223 00:08:51,920 --> 00:08:53,840 I'm afraid I can't get to the phone at the moment, 224 00:08:53,840 --> 00:08:56,520 but if you leave a message, I'll get back to you as soon as I can. 225 00:08:56,520 --> 00:08:58,680 Hello? Beep! 226 00:08:58,680 --> 00:09:01,800 Hello, yes, it's the Captain calling from Spirited Life Insurance. 227 00:09:01,800 --> 00:09:03,720 I was calling... Sorry. 228 00:09:03,720 --> 00:09:06,000 KITTY: Come on. We haven't got time for this. 229 00:09:06,000 --> 00:09:08,440 The photos are just in my bedside cabinet. 230 00:09:08,440 --> 00:09:11,880 Oh, my goodness, this place is huge! 231 00:09:11,880 --> 00:09:14,920 Erm, I think I'm just going to put some music on. OK. 232 00:09:14,920 --> 00:09:17,000 Not that one. Not that one. 233 00:09:17,000 --> 00:09:18,840 That one. OK. 234 00:09:18,840 --> 00:09:20,760 MUSIC: Saturday Night by Whigfield 235 00:09:20,760 --> 00:09:22,720 Haven't heard this in a while. 236 00:09:22,720 --> 00:09:24,200 Anyway, it's this way. 237 00:09:26,080 --> 00:09:28,920 THOMAS: It's strange. I really do feel as though we've met before. 238 00:09:28,920 --> 00:09:31,320 Right, come on, Pat! We're seeds. 239 00:09:31,320 --> 00:09:33,320 OK. All right. Seeds, is it? 240 00:09:33,320 --> 00:09:35,480 Grow... Grow... 241 00:09:35,480 --> 00:09:36,960 And leaves... 242 00:09:36,960 --> 00:09:39,000 BEEPING 243 00:09:36,960 --> 00:09:39,000 Hello? 244 00:09:39,000 --> 00:09:40,040 OK. 245 00:09:41,720 --> 00:09:43,200 Right! 246 00:09:43,200 --> 00:09:47,360 Mr Cheese, to recap your assets, you have your house, 247 00:09:47,360 --> 00:09:49,400 the circus in Bavaria, 248 00:09:49,400 --> 00:09:51,040 and you have 12 sons. 249 00:09:51,040 --> 00:09:52,840 13. What? 250 00:09:52,840 --> 00:09:54,400 She's just another one. Little boy. 251 00:09:54,400 --> 00:09:56,600 We're going to call him Cheddar. No, I'm sorry. 252 00:09:56,600 --> 00:09:57,760 This is all getting very silly. 253 00:09:57,760 --> 00:10:00,600 I'm not playing any more. Well, don't be like... Big family. 254 00:10:00,600 --> 00:10:02,640 May I ask what thought you've given to their inheritance? 255 00:10:02,640 --> 00:10:04,000 BOTH: Open question, Michael! 256 00:10:04,000 --> 00:10:05,800 CALLER: It wouldn't be straightforward for me. 257 00:10:05,800 --> 00:10:08,360 You see, I have a rather complicated family history. 258 00:10:08,360 --> 00:10:09,680 Oh, this is going to take a while. 259 00:10:09,680 --> 00:10:11,560 I see. And have you considered making a will? 260 00:10:11,560 --> 00:10:13,000 I'd have to start at the beginning. 261 00:10:13,000 --> 00:10:16,400 Well, we at Spirited... I was a foundling, you see? 262 00:10:16,400 --> 00:10:19,120 Left in a telephone box in Dublin. 263 00:10:19,120 --> 00:10:20,360 Wow. 264 00:10:20,360 --> 00:10:22,440 So it wasn't until years later 265 00:10:22,440 --> 00:10:25,160 that I really knew anything about my family. Blimey! 266 00:10:31,040 --> 00:10:33,440 So what was he like? 267 00:10:33,440 --> 00:10:35,000 Well, I wish I could tell you, 268 00:10:35,000 --> 00:10:39,440 but he passed away when I was five. Oh, of course. Sorry. 269 00:10:39,440 --> 00:10:42,960 No, erm... Well, my mum always said 270 00:10:42,960 --> 00:10:45,880 that he was the love of her life. 271 00:10:45,880 --> 00:10:49,760 He was funny and kind. 272 00:10:49,760 --> 00:10:51,720 He was a good cook. 273 00:10:51,720 --> 00:10:54,680 And, erm... What else? 274 00:10:54,680 --> 00:10:56,320 He.... 275 00:10:56,320 --> 00:10:57,800 Oh, he was a terrible dancer. 276 00:11:00,920 --> 00:11:02,760 Are you OK? 277 00:11:02,760 --> 00:11:04,600 Yeah, sorry, it's just... 278 00:11:04,600 --> 00:11:06,160 It's just a lot to take in. 279 00:11:07,240 --> 00:11:08,360 Yeah. 280 00:11:09,600 --> 00:11:10,840 It is. 281 00:11:13,720 --> 00:11:16,560 PAT, ECHONING: Steady, steady... 282 00:11:16,560 --> 00:11:18,240 It is a lot to take in. 283 00:11:18,240 --> 00:11:19,800 It certainly was for me. 284 00:11:19,800 --> 00:11:21,720 There's no such thing as ghosts. 285 00:11:21,720 --> 00:11:23,000 I'm having a bad dream. 286 00:11:23,000 --> 00:11:25,360 Yeah. I'm having a bad dream. 287 00:11:25,360 --> 00:11:27,960 I can assure you this is only too real. 288 00:11:27,960 --> 00:11:30,520 You never know. You might be lucky and get sucked off. 289 00:11:30,520 --> 00:11:31,600 Eh? 290 00:11:31,600 --> 00:11:33,440 I mean, you can't be real. 291 00:11:33,440 --> 00:11:35,840 You're all stereotypical ghosts, aren't you? 292 00:11:35,840 --> 00:11:37,520 You've got the old grey lady. 293 00:11:37,520 --> 00:11:41,000 Look at you and your joke shop arrow. Bloody cheek! 294 00:11:41,000 --> 00:11:43,280 Oh, and here comes the headless one. 295 00:11:43,280 --> 00:11:46,440 Yeah. Bravo! Very original. 296 00:11:46,440 --> 00:11:48,280 Well, I'm sorry I'm such a cliche. 297 00:11:48,280 --> 00:11:50,280 Argh! 298 00:11:50,280 --> 00:11:52,560 Wargh! 299 00:11:52,560 --> 00:11:53,920 All right, that's it. 300 00:11:53,920 --> 00:11:55,320 I've had enough of this. 301 00:11:55,320 --> 00:11:57,040 I'm getting out of here. 302 00:11:57,040 --> 00:11:58,080 Goodbye. 303 00:11:59,640 --> 00:12:03,160 He could have walked through those tables. Rookie error. 304 00:12:07,920 --> 00:12:09,520 Wait for it. 305 00:12:09,520 --> 00:12:11,400 And... 306 00:12:11,400 --> 00:12:13,320 Ha-ha-ha-ha! We've all done it. 307 00:12:16,960 --> 00:12:19,040 ROBIN LAUGHING 308 00:12:16,960 --> 00:12:19,040 Classic! 309 00:12:21,760 --> 00:12:24,840 Three. Come on. Let's go. 310 00:12:24,840 --> 00:12:25,920 Argh! Poor bugger. 311 00:12:25,920 --> 00:12:27,320 Four! 312 00:12:29,440 --> 00:12:30,480 Ah! 313 00:12:32,680 --> 00:12:33,720 Hurgh! 314 00:12:33,720 --> 00:12:34,760 21. 315 00:12:38,360 --> 00:12:39,440 Uh... 316 00:12:40,880 --> 00:12:41,920 Argh! 317 00:12:43,360 --> 00:12:44,400 42. 318 00:12:48,520 --> 00:12:49,960 Oh, eugh... 319 00:12:52,320 --> 00:12:54,280 67 and a half. 320 00:12:58,200 --> 00:12:59,400 Gah! 321 00:13:00,960 --> 00:13:02,640 Argh, why...? 322 00:13:02,640 --> 00:13:04,040 Two fat ladies, 88. 323 00:13:12,560 --> 00:13:15,120 No! Yes, it doesn't make sense, does it? 324 00:13:20,520 --> 00:13:22,400 See you later, losers! 325 00:13:22,400 --> 00:13:23,960 Argh... 326 00:13:23,960 --> 00:13:25,840 100! 327 00:13:30,400 --> 00:13:33,160 Oh, what is wrong with me? 328 00:13:33,160 --> 00:13:36,360 Why does my heart pound? Why do I ache so? 329 00:13:38,360 --> 00:13:39,960 Mary, what is your opinion? 330 00:13:42,000 --> 00:13:43,320 My... My 'pinion? 331 00:13:43,320 --> 00:13:46,120 Yes. As a woman. A Loose Woman? 332 00:13:46,120 --> 00:13:48,080 If you like. 333 00:13:48,080 --> 00:13:50,760 So, what ails me? 334 00:13:50,760 --> 00:13:54,400 Be there something new on thy plate? 335 00:13:54,400 --> 00:13:56,320 Go on. 336 00:13:56,320 --> 00:13:59,680 When I was three and twenty, my mother did grow fennel. 337 00:13:59,680 --> 00:14:01,840 Oh, how I loved it so! 338 00:14:01,840 --> 00:14:05,720 I ate noth but fennel for weeks, sparing the onions. 339 00:14:05,720 --> 00:14:08,920 But all the while, I did have a terrible time on the stool, 340 00:14:08,920 --> 00:14:10,400 but did not know why. 341 00:14:10,400 --> 00:14:11,960 'Twas the fennel, of course. 342 00:14:13,560 --> 00:14:15,760 Well, it isn't fennel. 343 00:14:15,760 --> 00:14:17,240 I can't eat anything. 344 00:14:17,240 --> 00:14:18,600 Unless... 345 00:14:20,480 --> 00:14:22,720 ..Lucy is my fennel. 346 00:14:24,520 --> 00:14:28,600 My God, you're right! I'm hopelessly in love with fennel. 347 00:14:28,600 --> 00:14:30,480 I must tell onions... Alison. 348 00:14:33,560 --> 00:14:37,520 And we fly to the left and we fly to the right 349 00:14:37,520 --> 00:14:40,160 and rainbow and down. 350 00:14:40,160 --> 00:14:45,360 Whoo! Right, I'm off to see what Alison's up to with that girl. 351 00:14:45,360 --> 00:14:47,560 Well, hang on, we've only just started. 352 00:14:47,560 --> 00:14:49,480 I could teach you a few moves, if you like. 353 00:14:49,480 --> 00:14:51,840 I was a regional dance finalist, you know. 354 00:14:51,840 --> 00:14:52,920 Erm... 355 00:14:54,360 --> 00:14:55,800 Oh... 356 00:14:55,800 --> 00:14:58,400 How about this, eh? Mashed potato. 357 00:14:59,920 --> 00:15:01,840 Easy. That's it. 358 00:15:01,840 --> 00:15:03,920 Now we're cooking spuds, eh? 359 00:15:03,920 --> 00:15:05,680 OK, let's try this one. 360 00:15:05,680 --> 00:15:06,840 Oh! 361 00:15:06,840 --> 00:15:09,760 That's right, don't forget to transfer your weight. 362 00:15:09,760 --> 00:15:11,240 I've got loads of moves. 363 00:15:11,240 --> 00:15:15,320 Dice it and dice it, dice it, dice it... 364 00:15:18,680 --> 00:15:19,880 Car wash. 365 00:15:19,880 --> 00:15:22,040 Right... Ooh! Oh! 366 00:15:23,480 --> 00:15:24,880 How about this? 367 00:15:24,880 --> 00:15:26,600 What can you see through your fingers? 368 00:15:26,600 --> 00:15:27,840 Nothing. Oh. 369 00:15:29,760 --> 00:15:31,640 Pop and pop and pop. 370 00:15:33,440 --> 00:15:34,680 Groovy! 371 00:15:34,680 --> 00:15:36,800 Shimmer, shimmer. 372 00:15:39,320 --> 00:15:40,840 Pinch and down. 373 00:15:40,840 --> 00:15:42,160 No, you can breathe! 374 00:15:42,160 --> 00:15:43,560 Breathe! 375 00:15:42,160 --> 00:15:43,560 GASPING BREATH 376 00:15:43,560 --> 00:15:44,960 That's it. And down. 377 00:15:44,960 --> 00:15:47,200 You be careful what you reveal to this young lady. 378 00:15:47,200 --> 00:15:48,880 Don't let her be seeing where you keep 379 00:15:48,880 --> 00:15:50,160 your papers, passport and so on. 380 00:15:50,160 --> 00:15:52,240 It's just down there on the right. Thanks. 381 00:15:52,240 --> 00:15:54,800 Before you know it, she'll be travelling the world 382 00:15:54,800 --> 00:15:57,440 all expenses paid - paid by you. What are you talking about? 383 00:15:57,440 --> 00:15:59,520 I had tickets for a luxury cruise. 384 00:15:59,520 --> 00:16:02,000 Trip of a lifetime, first class, upper decks, 385 00:16:02,000 --> 00:16:04,920 but I arrived in Southampton to find that apparently 386 00:16:04,920 --> 00:16:07,160 there was already a Lady Button aboard. 387 00:16:07,160 --> 00:16:09,720 Right. I'm certain it was a young lady that came to the house 388 00:16:09,720 --> 00:16:12,640 looking for a housekeeping vacancy when there wasn't one. 389 00:16:12,640 --> 00:16:16,480 Used my identity to cheat her way onto the Titanic. 390 00:16:16,480 --> 00:16:18,080 Hang on - the Titanic? Mm. 391 00:16:18,080 --> 00:16:19,360 The Titanic sank. 392 00:16:19,360 --> 00:16:20,920 Aren't you glad you weren't on it? 393 00:16:20,920 --> 00:16:22,800 People forget that before the iceberg, 394 00:16:22,800 --> 00:16:24,720 it was a perfectly pleasant trip. 395 00:16:24,720 --> 00:16:26,520 So you did go? 396 00:16:26,520 --> 00:16:28,320 No, I've seen the motion picture. 397 00:16:28,320 --> 00:16:32,240 Only you wouldn't catch me letting some American oik paint my breasts. 398 00:16:32,240 --> 00:16:34,160 I don't see how any of this is relevant. 399 00:16:34,160 --> 00:16:36,440 All I'm saying is beware. 400 00:16:36,440 --> 00:16:39,000 Be very ware... 401 00:16:39,000 --> 00:16:40,040 ..ry. 402 00:16:40,040 --> 00:16:41,560 TOILET FLUSHES 403 00:16:41,560 --> 00:16:43,080 You mark my words, young lady. 404 00:16:44,120 --> 00:16:46,520 Alison, there you are. Great, you too. Can you just not...? 405 00:16:46,520 --> 00:16:48,840 I'm afraid what I have to say may come as a shock to you. 406 00:16:48,840 --> 00:16:50,880 And it's not your fault. 407 00:16:50,880 --> 00:16:54,120 Our time together has been a paradise. 408 00:16:55,160 --> 00:16:56,680 Gah, this is hard. 409 00:16:56,680 --> 00:16:58,240 I know it's harder for you, 410 00:16:58,240 --> 00:17:02,320 but I cannot deny my heart has changed. 411 00:17:04,000 --> 00:17:06,120 And I must leave you. 412 00:17:06,120 --> 00:17:07,520 Mm. 413 00:17:07,520 --> 00:17:10,080 Metaphorically, of course. I'll still live in the house. 414 00:17:10,080 --> 00:17:11,520 Thanks. No problem. 415 00:17:14,080 --> 00:17:15,840 CALLER: While I was working in the home, 416 00:17:15,840 --> 00:17:18,880 I struck up a friendship with this particular lady, you see? 417 00:17:18,880 --> 00:17:21,000 We just connected. 418 00:17:21,000 --> 00:17:25,160 I used to talk to her when I brought lunch to her room and so on. 419 00:17:25,160 --> 00:17:28,640 And one day, she told me her greatest regret. 420 00:17:28,640 --> 00:17:30,000 What was it? 421 00:17:30,000 --> 00:17:32,120 It was that when she was a young girl, 422 00:17:32,120 --> 00:17:34,520 she had a baby she had to give up. 423 00:17:34,520 --> 00:17:35,840 GASPING 424 00:17:35,840 --> 00:17:38,120 And I still get goose bumps now remembering it. 425 00:17:38,120 --> 00:17:40,880 I knew. I just knew. She was...? 426 00:17:40,880 --> 00:17:43,880 Yes, she was my mother. She was the mother! 427 00:17:43,880 --> 00:17:45,480 That's incredible. 428 00:17:45,480 --> 00:17:48,040 Wow. I couldn't believe it myself, Mike! She was the mother! 429 00:17:48,040 --> 00:17:51,240 Extraordinary! And now, we're one big happy family. 430 00:17:51,240 --> 00:17:53,600 I've got seven grandchildren 431 00:17:53,600 --> 00:17:54,960 and another one on the way. 432 00:18:09,720 --> 00:18:11,440 Wonderful! 433 00:18:11,440 --> 00:18:14,240 It works so much better with your moves now. Thank you. 434 00:18:14,240 --> 00:18:17,400 SONG RESTARTS 435 00:18:14,240 --> 00:18:17,400 Again! What?! 436 00:18:17,400 --> 00:18:19,360 Don't you want to go and see Alison? 437 00:18:19,360 --> 00:18:20,880 Quick! Oh... 438 00:18:20,880 --> 00:18:22,160 Give over! 439 00:18:23,400 --> 00:18:27,520 Please, God, take pity on the Loose Women. 440 00:18:27,520 --> 00:18:31,000 Their husbands be so worried, dear Lord. 441 00:18:31,000 --> 00:18:32,440 Please send them... 442 00:18:32,440 --> 00:18:34,280 PRAYS SOFTLY 443 00:18:34,280 --> 00:18:36,080 It is done. 444 00:18:36,080 --> 00:18:37,400 What's done? 445 00:18:37,400 --> 00:18:38,520 The honourable thing. 446 00:18:40,680 --> 00:18:43,760 It was the right thing to do, was it not? 447 00:18:43,760 --> 00:18:46,040 I could not pretend I was not changed. 448 00:18:46,040 --> 00:18:48,800 After all, I've not felt this way since... 449 00:18:48,800 --> 00:18:53,480 Well, since Alison came into my life - so modern, so spirited, 450 00:18:53,480 --> 00:18:55,240 so charming. 451 00:18:55,240 --> 00:18:56,720 Was I hasty? 452 00:18:56,720 --> 00:18:57,840 Perhaps I love them both. 453 00:18:57,840 --> 00:18:59,160 No! Do I? 454 00:19:00,560 --> 00:19:03,400 Say something about fennel or something. 455 00:19:03,400 --> 00:19:04,640 Oh, fennel, yeah. 456 00:19:04,640 --> 00:19:06,760 Well, it's a root vegetable. 457 00:19:06,760 --> 00:19:08,760 Yes? Grows in soil. 458 00:19:08,760 --> 00:19:11,560 You've got the bulb, then you've got them lovely long shoots 459 00:19:11,560 --> 00:19:14,000 and very pretty flowers on the end. 460 00:19:14,000 --> 00:19:16,040 Thrives in well-drained soil. 461 00:19:16,040 --> 00:19:18,240 Well-drained... Bit like celery. Always loved celery. 462 00:19:18,240 --> 00:19:20,400 Same family as fennel, of course. 463 00:19:20,400 --> 00:19:21,760 Same family? 464 00:19:23,920 --> 00:19:27,200 Of course! How could I be so rash? 465 00:19:27,200 --> 00:19:30,880 It is Alison I see in Lucy! 466 00:19:30,880 --> 00:19:34,240 A reflection of the same creation, the same fair qualities. 467 00:19:34,240 --> 00:19:36,720 It does not mean I have stopped loving onions! 468 00:19:36,720 --> 00:19:38,440 Far from it. 469 00:19:38,440 --> 00:19:40,040 Thank you, Mary. 470 00:19:40,040 --> 00:19:42,680 Such insight into matters of the heart. 471 00:19:42,680 --> 00:19:44,800 Thank you again! Yep. 472 00:19:44,800 --> 00:19:45,840 You're welcomes. 473 00:19:47,800 --> 00:19:50,600 I was only speaking of vegetables, though. 474 00:19:50,600 --> 00:19:53,200 TV: Martine McCutcheon will tell us about her new album, 475 00:19:53,200 --> 00:19:55,800 plus we'll be discussing Meghan Markle's make-up routine... 476 00:19:55,800 --> 00:19:57,800 Oh! 477 00:19:57,800 --> 00:20:01,600 Praise be! They have been pardoned! 478 00:20:04,160 --> 00:20:06,000 They've been pardoned! 479 00:20:06,000 --> 00:20:07,440 The... 480 00:20:07,440 --> 00:20:10,520 CALLER: Goodness, I've been prattling on, haven't I? 481 00:20:10,520 --> 00:20:12,880 No, no! No, no. Not at all. Not at all, Anne. No, I won't hear it. 482 00:20:12,880 --> 00:20:16,200 It's fascinating, Anne. Maybe I get that from my mother. Who knows? 483 00:20:17,880 --> 00:20:21,280 Anyway, you wanted to talk to me about insurance? 484 00:20:23,800 --> 00:20:26,400 Mike? Well...actually, 485 00:20:26,400 --> 00:20:28,320 I don't work for the company any more. 486 00:20:28,320 --> 00:20:31,600 Oh? Yeah, I thought it might be a bit exploitative, so... 487 00:20:34,080 --> 00:20:36,160 ..I quit. Oh! Are you sure that's wise? 488 00:20:36,160 --> 00:20:39,640 Good for you, Mike. A man of principle. 489 00:20:39,640 --> 00:20:43,160 Yeah. Well, I suppose I'd better go, start looking for a new job. 490 00:20:43,160 --> 00:20:45,600 Well, I don't know if you'd be interested, but I know my niece 491 00:20:45,600 --> 00:20:47,880 has a position she needs to fill at her company 492 00:20:47,880 --> 00:20:50,560 and I think you could be just the ticket. Oh? 493 00:20:50,560 --> 00:20:53,880 She needs someone trustworthy... Well played, Michael. 494 00:20:53,880 --> 00:20:56,400 Just the ticket. Lucky git! 495 00:20:56,400 --> 00:20:57,960 Thanks so much for hearing me out. 496 00:20:57,960 --> 00:21:01,720 Oh, yeah. I know this must have come as a huge shock. 497 00:21:01,720 --> 00:21:04,320 Yeah, you can say that again. 498 00:21:04,320 --> 00:21:05,560 Can I give you my number? 499 00:21:05,560 --> 00:21:09,600 And that way, it's up to you if you want to get in touch. Yeah. 500 00:21:09,600 --> 00:21:12,840 Alison, there you are! Forget everything I said earlier. 501 00:21:12,840 --> 00:21:15,160 I'm sorry if I hurt you. 502 00:21:15,160 --> 00:21:18,920 I'd really like to get to know you, if you want that too. 503 00:21:18,920 --> 00:21:21,680 Yeah, I'd... You don't have to say anything now. 504 00:21:21,680 --> 00:21:23,160 You need time to think. 505 00:21:23,160 --> 00:21:25,200 Thank you. Bye for now. 506 00:21:25,200 --> 00:21:26,840 Bye! Bye. Bye. 507 00:21:29,200 --> 00:21:30,480 Goodbye. 508 00:21:30,480 --> 00:21:32,360 Forever, potentially. 509 00:21:32,360 --> 00:21:35,080 Which would be fine, because it's you I love, only you. 510 00:21:45,680 --> 00:21:47,080 Has she gone? 511 00:21:47,080 --> 00:21:49,880 How did it go? KITTY: Pat? Pat! 512 00:21:49,880 --> 00:21:51,160 Oh, no! Where did you go? 513 00:21:51,160 --> 00:21:52,680 She's a dance machine! 514 00:21:52,680 --> 00:21:54,160 She can't stop! 515 00:21:55,720 --> 00:21:57,880 BOTH: You are not going to believe what just happened... 516 00:21:57,880 --> 00:21:59,960 To me. What? Try me. 517 00:22:01,840 --> 00:22:03,920 I just said goodbye to someone who showed up to tell me 518 00:22:03,920 --> 00:22:06,640 she's my half sister. Yeah, yours is better. 519 00:22:06,640 --> 00:22:10,840 Apparently before he met my mum, my dad and her mum had a thing, 520 00:22:10,840 --> 00:22:14,320 then they split up and he didn't know she was pregnant. 521 00:22:14,320 --> 00:22:16,920 What? Yeah. 522 00:22:16,920 --> 00:22:18,880 Do you find that hard to believe? Well, yeah, 523 00:22:18,880 --> 00:22:21,160 but not after the story I just heard on the phone. 524 00:22:21,160 --> 00:22:23,760 Just cos something's crazy doesn't mean it can't be true. 525 00:22:23,760 --> 00:22:25,520 I find it all rather convenient. 526 00:22:25,520 --> 00:22:27,400 Wouldn't you agree, Julian? 527 00:22:27,400 --> 00:22:28,520 Julian? 528 00:22:29,640 --> 00:22:31,760 Julian? 529 00:22:31,760 --> 00:22:32,800 Julian. 530 00:22:34,720 --> 00:22:37,960 My name is Julian Fawcett 531 00:22:37,960 --> 00:22:39,560 and I'm a... 532 00:22:42,560 --> 00:22:44,440 Go on. You can do it! 533 00:22:45,760 --> 00:22:47,280 I'm a ghost. 534 00:22:47,280 --> 00:22:48,640 Well done. Well done. 535 00:22:48,640 --> 00:22:50,280 Feel better, eh? 536 00:22:50,280 --> 00:22:54,360 Take a seat. You'll find there is a fun side 537 00:22:54,360 --> 00:22:56,760 to being cut-off indefinitely from the life you lived 538 00:22:56,760 --> 00:22:58,440 and the people you loved. 539 00:22:58,440 --> 00:23:01,040 We were just about to play charades. 540 00:23:01,040 --> 00:23:03,520 Yeah. Not really my bag. 541 00:23:05,360 --> 00:23:06,440 Oh. 542 00:23:06,440 --> 00:23:08,880 Anyone want to play chess? 543 00:23:08,880 --> 00:23:09,920 Oh, yeah. 544 00:23:11,360 --> 00:23:14,040 Right. Do you know how? 545 00:23:14,040 --> 00:23:15,360 Could learn. 546 00:23:17,560 --> 00:23:19,040 Right. 547 00:23:19,040 --> 00:23:20,680 I suppose we've got time. 548 00:23:20,680 --> 00:23:23,080 Right, well, these little ones are called pawns. 549 00:23:23,080 --> 00:23:26,120 Prawn. And... Pawn. Prawn. 550 00:23:26,120 --> 00:23:27,760 LADY BUTTON, ECHOING: Julian? OK. 551 00:23:27,760 --> 00:23:30,200 Julian? What's that? 552 00:23:31,960 --> 00:23:36,880 No. Well, I mean, if I could accept that I was dead... 553 00:23:36,880 --> 00:23:39,560 I mean, I could except I can see dead people. 554 00:23:39,560 --> 00:23:41,640 Doesn't seem that far fetched at all. 555 00:23:43,920 --> 00:23:46,000 Looks like I have a sister. 556 00:23:46,000 --> 00:23:47,840 Yeah. 557 00:23:47,840 --> 00:23:48,880 Oh! 558 00:23:50,600 --> 00:23:52,200 How was your day? 559 00:23:52,200 --> 00:23:54,840 I quit. Oh. But then I got a better job. 560 00:23:54,840 --> 00:23:56,840 Oh, right. You have been busy. 561 00:23:56,840 --> 00:24:00,280 Kitty? No! I'm free now if you want me to take over. 562 00:24:00,280 --> 00:24:01,920 No, that's all right. 563 00:24:01,920 --> 00:24:03,520 Pat's my dance partner now. 564 00:24:03,520 --> 00:24:06,640 He taught me the mashed potato, the chicken dance 565 00:24:06,640 --> 00:24:08,280 and the banana split. 566 00:24:08,280 --> 00:24:10,160 That's a balanced meal. Delicious. 567 00:24:10,160 --> 00:24:12,800 Come on, Pat! We've got to polish our routine. 568 00:24:12,800 --> 00:24:14,280 Oh, God, no! 569 00:24:14,280 --> 00:24:17,320 Come on! No, mercy! No time to lose. Please, Kitty! 570 00:24:17,320 --> 00:24:18,600 And where have you been? 571 00:24:18,600 --> 00:24:21,200 Well, I've been with young Michael and Mr Cheese. 572 00:24:21,200 --> 00:24:23,840 I mean, Humphrey. No, I've learned a thing or two actually. 573 00:24:23,840 --> 00:24:27,440 There are times when one must go against the grain, 574 00:24:27,440 --> 00:24:31,600 make one's own decisions rather than simply following orders. Hm. 575 00:24:31,600 --> 00:24:33,600 CLOCK CHIMES 576 00:24:31,600 --> 00:24:33,600 Ooh, fetch the others. 577 00:24:33,600 --> 00:24:35,240 It's time for my talk of the day. 578 00:24:35,240 --> 00:24:36,840 Fanny, yes, Fanny! 579 00:24:36,840 --> 00:24:39,400 Thomas, Patrick, Mary, on me. 580 00:24:45,400 --> 00:24:47,120 Still fancy that game? 581 00:24:50,400 --> 00:24:52,360 So... 582 00:24:52,360 --> 00:24:55,000 ..prawn. Pawn. He goes dooka. 583 00:24:55,000 --> 00:24:56,560 Uh-huh? 584 00:24:56,560 --> 00:24:58,640 Prawn - dooka. 66847

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