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1
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HORSE WHINNIES AND SNORTS
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Whether Elizabeth's spies
knew about the letter
3
00:00:14,080 --> 00:00:31,080
is still a matter
of much conjecture.
4
00:00:31,080 --> 00:00:34,160
JULIAN: Hello!
5
00:00:34,160 --> 00:00:36,680
Where's she been hiding?
6
00:00:36,680 --> 00:00:37,960
She's not dead, Julian.
7
00:00:37,960 --> 00:00:40,640
The good ones never are.
8
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It's just a costume.
9
00:00:41,800 --> 00:00:43,480
They're making a documentary -
History's Greatest Plots.
10
00:00:43,480 --> 00:00:44,920
Apparently, there was a coup
planned here back in the day.
11
00:00:44,920 --> 00:00:47,200
Hey, look, that wasn't a coup,
per se.
12
00:00:47,200 --> 00:00:50,080
That was an informal discussion
with some parliamentary colleagues
13
00:00:50,080 --> 00:00:52,480
about Maggie's leadership style.
14
00:00:52,480 --> 00:00:56,240
You know? She's not talking
about the '80s, mate.
15
00:00:56,240 --> 00:00:57,800
Look at her! What plot
she talk abutt? About? Dunno.
16
00:00:57,800 --> 00:01:00,320
That's just what they told us.
I thought you might know.
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00:01:00,320 --> 00:01:04,080
ROBIN GRUNTS
It's possible
18
00:01:04,080 --> 00:01:06,200
Elizabeth's forces simply
happened upon the plotters...
19
00:01:06,200 --> 00:01:08,320
BUZZING
Oh!
20
00:01:08,320 --> 00:01:10,880
SHE SQUEALS
21
00:01:10,880 --> 00:01:12,040
GHOSTS LAUGH
One for the bloopers!
22
00:01:12,040 --> 00:01:13,200
..Elizabeth's forces simply
happened upon the plotters...
23
00:01:13,200 --> 00:01:16,120
What?
24
00:01:19,000 --> 00:01:21,840
Do you know, I don't think
I've ever seen you laugh. Yeah.
25
00:01:21,840 --> 00:01:22,960
I asked the producer
if they'll name-check the house
26
00:01:22,960 --> 00:01:26,920
and he just stared at me blankly,
so...
27
00:01:26,920 --> 00:01:29,480
That's the producer over there,
Mike.
28
00:01:29,480 --> 00:01:32,400
Oh. Well, then I asked some guy.
29
00:01:32,400 --> 00:01:34,400
Er, do you mind? Some of us are
trying to learn something here.
30
00:01:34,400 --> 00:01:36,400
..regarded by many
as a martyr, a mastermind,
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a hero, and perhaps
the most important person ever
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00:01:39,920 --> 00:01:43,520
to have walked these grounds.
33
00:01:43,520 --> 00:01:46,920
Is it me? Sounds like me.
34
00:01:46,920 --> 00:01:48,280
Which is why the history books
echo with the name
35
00:01:48,280 --> 00:01:50,640
Sir Humphrey Bone.
36
00:01:50,640 --> 00:01:53,600
Oh. Huh. Hmm.
37
00:01:53,600 --> 00:01:55,200
Heavens! Why, I think she means...
38
00:01:55,200 --> 00:01:57,240
ALL: Oh.
39
00:01:57,240 --> 00:02:00,880
Oh, it's fallen off again!
40
00:02:05,760 --> 00:02:07,360
Humphrey? Where is he?
41
00:02:07,360 --> 00:02:09,480
It's just such an incredible place.
42
00:02:09,480 --> 00:02:11,520
You can almost hear the history
echo from the walls.
43
00:02:11,520 --> 00:02:32,920
Yeah, it's almost like...
44
00:02:32,920 --> 00:02:35,120
HUBBUB
..it doesn't shut up!
45
00:02:35,120 --> 00:02:37,360
And there's a Stuart facade,
46
00:02:37,360 --> 00:02:38,560
and the Dutch gable, and the...
47
00:02:38,560 --> 00:02:40,720
High-end B&B? In the gatehouse,
48
00:02:40,720 --> 00:02:42,400
opens next spring. Tell your
friends. We could probably
49
00:02:42,400 --> 00:02:44,400
do a discount...
We're really, really lucky
50
00:02:44,400 --> 00:02:46,400
to have found - well, been given -
this place.
51
00:02:46,400 --> 00:02:49,000
Actually, we did wonder
if you'd be up for talking about
52
00:02:49,000 --> 00:02:51,080
your family connection
to the house on camera.
53
00:02:51,080 --> 00:02:53,120
Who? Me?
54
00:02:53,120 --> 00:02:55,680
I-I-I-I... I've never been
on camera.
55
00:02:55,680 --> 00:02:58,360
Well, have a think about it.
56
00:02:58,360 --> 00:02:59,880
Yeah. She'll think about it.
57
00:02:59,880 --> 00:03:03,840
Are you mad?
58
00:03:03,840 --> 00:03:05,920
Context? The interview.
59
00:03:05,920 --> 00:03:07,920
To make the gatehouse a guest house,
we need ghosts. Guests.
60
00:03:09,400 --> 00:03:10,440
And this is free publicity, so...
No, forget it.
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00:03:10,440 --> 00:03:11,960
I'm not going on telly.
Why? What are you so scared of?
62
00:03:11,960 --> 00:03:14,520
Going on telly!
63
00:03:14,520 --> 00:03:17,400
Oh, you'd be great. No!
The camera would love you.
64
00:03:17,400 --> 00:03:19,800
Just tell your story,
name-drop the house, and...
65
00:03:19,800 --> 00:03:21,040
..oh, you could wear a top
with our logo on it.
66
00:03:21,040 --> 00:03:22,920
We don't have a top
with our logo on it.
67
00:03:22,920 --> 00:03:24,800
Hmm. We don't have a logo.
68
00:03:24,800 --> 00:03:26,880
Hmm. I'll call Obi.
He'll do us a quick logo.
69
00:03:26,880 --> 00:03:28,600
Oooh...
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00:03:28,600 --> 00:03:29,880
Bad moonah on the rise.
71
00:03:29,880 --> 00:03:32,840
Dust cover sun.
72
00:03:32,840 --> 00:03:34,480
Birds fall. Crop fail.
73
00:03:34,480 --> 00:03:37,760
Something wicked this way come.
74
00:03:37,760 --> 00:03:40,080
BARKING
Bitches? Bitches!
75
00:03:40,080 --> 00:03:42,800
Oh, that explain it.
Anybody home?
76
00:03:42,800 --> 00:03:46,000
Ah, Annabel!
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00:03:46,000 --> 00:03:49,160
ALL: Alison.
78
00:03:49,160 --> 00:03:51,760
I was hoping I'd catch you.
LADY BUTTON: Humphrey?
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00:03:51,760 --> 00:03:54,400
Humphrey! Humphrey!
80
00:03:54,400 --> 00:03:55,760
Humphrey? Humphrey!
81
00:03:55,760 --> 00:03:57,640
Humphrey!
MARY: Head bit?
82
00:03:57,640 --> 00:03:59,560
Humphrey? I'm just saying,
personally speaking,
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00:03:59,560 --> 00:04:01,760
I can't remember ever seeing you
properly laugh.
84
00:04:01,760 --> 00:04:04,120
That's absolute nonsense.
I laugh all the time.
85
00:04:04,120 --> 00:04:06,880
Why, only the other evening,
Fanny and I were in stitches
86
00:04:06,880 --> 00:04:10,040
while recalling
the satirical skewering
87
00:04:10,040 --> 00:04:12,440
of socio-political institutions
in The Mikado.
88
00:04:12,440 --> 00:04:15,520
Isn't that right, Fanny?
Mm? The Mikado?
89
00:04:15,520 --> 00:04:17,640
Oh, hilarious skewering of
socio-political institutions.
90
00:04:17,640 --> 00:04:20,120
Hysterical. Side-splitting.
Riotous. Agreed.
91
00:04:20,120 --> 00:04:22,400
I concur. So I hope that puts
this matter to rest. Carry on.
92
00:04:22,400 --> 00:04:24,960
Humphrey! Head? Humphrey?
93
00:04:24,960 --> 00:04:27,320
Humphrey!
94
00:04:27,320 --> 00:04:32,200
Neither of you laugh!
95
00:04:32,200 --> 00:04:34,280
KITTY: Found it!
96
00:04:34,280 --> 00:04:35,640
Him! Him, sorry.
97
00:04:35,640 --> 00:04:36,960
You didn't tell us you were famous.
Am I? Ooh, that's nice.
98
00:04:36,960 --> 00:04:38,200
Am I a painter?
99
00:04:38,200 --> 00:04:40,480
She means the plot, mate.
The Catholic plot.
100
00:04:40,480 --> 00:04:45,040
Oh, that.
101
00:04:45,040 --> 00:04:46,360
You always said your death
was just a misunderstanding.
102
00:04:46,360 --> 00:04:48,760
Well, in a way, yeah.
103
00:04:48,760 --> 00:04:50,280
Certainly wasn't, erm...
straightforward.
104
00:04:50,280 --> 00:04:53,280
What, one chop?
105
00:04:53,280 --> 00:04:54,520
Well, it sounds pretty
straightforward to me,
106
00:04:54,520 --> 00:04:57,120
but then I was burned alive, so...
107
00:04:57,120 --> 00:04:58,680
All right, now, steady on, Mary.
Steady. Steady.
108
00:04:58,680 --> 00:05:00,720
Well... I mean more that
the circumstances were...
109
00:05:00,720 --> 00:05:02,280
..complicated.
110
00:05:02,280 --> 00:05:04,400
I could tell you about it if you
like. Well, if you wouldn't mind.
111
00:05:04,400 --> 00:05:07,640
That would be wonderful, yes.
We've got all day.
112
00:05:09,040 --> 00:05:10,400
Well...
113
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Yum! Yum, yum, yum, yum!
114
00:05:21,480 --> 00:05:23,520
Ooh, thank you.
115
00:05:23,520 --> 00:05:24,600
HUMS TO HIMSELF
116
00:05:27,400 --> 00:05:31,040
Bon matin?
117
00:05:31,040 --> 00:05:33,000
Did you sleep well?
Er, dormir...bon?
118
00:05:34,040 --> 00:05:35,240
Cos it gets quite draughty
down your end of the, um...
119
00:05:35,240 --> 00:05:36,840
Do you want a bit of brekkie? Boeuf?
Bit of brekkie, Sophie?
120
00:05:36,840 --> 00:05:40,840
SIGHS
Oh, la la.
121
00:05:40,840 --> 00:05:45,320
Qu'est ce qu'il veut maintenant?
122
00:05:45,320 --> 00:05:47,800
Erm, I was just wondering
if there might be
123
00:05:47,800 --> 00:05:49,440
something you might fancy doing.
124
00:05:49,440 --> 00:05:50,800
Not with me. Not with me.
125
00:05:50,800 --> 00:05:54,400
No, erm, I meant more for you.
126
00:05:54,400 --> 00:05:56,680
Like a hobby.
Oh, c'est insupportable.
127
00:05:57,840 --> 00:05:59,760
Something that might make you
a bit more...
128
00:05:59,760 --> 00:06:02,480
..joyeux?
129
00:06:02,480 --> 00:06:04,680
Uh, tapestry? Maybe?
130
00:06:04,680 --> 00:06:06,360
Or you could learn some English?
131
00:06:06,360 --> 00:06:07,760
Or there's archery,
132
00:06:09,040 --> 00:06:12,160
or you could learn a bit of English.
133
00:06:12,160 --> 00:06:14,560
It doesn't matter, actually.
134
00:06:14,560 --> 00:06:16,000
Livres.
135
00:06:16,000 --> 00:06:18,720
Me leave?
136
00:06:20,680 --> 00:06:22,240
I live here. Livres.
137
00:06:24,080 --> 00:06:25,480
Salon de lecture?
138
00:06:26,760 --> 00:06:28,120
Oh, like a reading group!
139
00:06:28,120 --> 00:06:30,200
Yeah, great idea.
You could use the chart room
140
00:06:32,560 --> 00:06:34,400
up in my end if you wanted.
141
00:06:37,240 --> 00:06:40,120
And maybe in winter,
you could learn a bit of English.
142
00:06:40,120 --> 00:06:42,680
It is...ugly language.
143
00:06:42,680 --> 00:06:44,080
It is AN ugly language,
but, yes, well done. Very good.
144
00:06:47,160 --> 00:06:49,720
KITTY: Humphrey?
145
00:06:51,000 --> 00:06:54,960
Humphrey?
146
00:06:58,240 --> 00:07:01,800
Humphrey? Sorry.
147
00:07:04,200 --> 00:07:05,600
It's not someone I've thought about
in a very long... What about jokes?
148
00:07:09,040 --> 00:07:11,000
Do you like jokes?
149
00:07:11,000 --> 00:07:13,320
Hmm.
150
00:07:13,320 --> 00:07:16,680
Oh, I don't think we ever lent you
a champagne bucket,
151
00:07:16,680 --> 00:07:18,040
cos, well, we don't own
a champagne bucket.
152
00:07:18,040 --> 00:07:19,920
Well, you do now.
153
00:07:19,920 --> 00:07:22,240
Oh, a film crew!
154
00:07:22,240 --> 00:07:24,120
How surprising.
155
00:07:24,120 --> 00:07:25,640
I'm surprised.
156
00:07:25,640 --> 00:07:27,200
Though, now I think of it,
I do remember Jan from the shop
157
00:07:27,200 --> 00:07:28,920
mentioning something
about a documentary, was it? Oh.
158
00:07:28,920 --> 00:07:30,880
Lucky I dropped by!
159
00:07:30,880 --> 00:07:34,720
I do feel lucky. I imagine they
could use a little local knowledge,
160
00:07:34,720 --> 00:07:38,560
fill in the gaps in their research.
161
00:07:38,560 --> 00:07:40,360
I'm not sure that you...
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00:07:40,360 --> 00:07:44,640
..care what I say, or know my name.
Hello there!
163
00:07:44,640 --> 00:07:46,480
Barclay Beg-Chetwynde,
local landowner slash historian.
164
00:07:46,480 --> 00:07:48,080
Urgh. He hasn't changed, has he?
165
00:07:48,080 --> 00:07:51,160
Arrogant, sleazy,
and entirely self-serving.
166
00:07:51,160 --> 00:07:55,320
Can you believe I used to associate
with that type?
167
00:07:55,320 --> 00:07:58,240
SNORTS
168
00:07:58,240 --> 00:08:01,440
So I've done a lot of...
169
00:08:01,440 --> 00:08:04,200
Hello. See that?
170
00:08:04,200 --> 00:08:06,440
I spy Harry Heart Attack.
171
00:08:06,440 --> 00:08:08,400
Those three-bottle lunches
finally catching up with him, eh?
172
00:08:09,560 --> 00:08:11,400
Ha-ha-ha-ha!
Ha-ha-ha-ha...
173
00:08:11,400 --> 00:08:13,720
Oh, no.
174
00:08:13,720 --> 00:08:17,480
Alison!
175
00:08:17,480 --> 00:08:20,240
You have to get him out of here
right now.
176
00:08:20,240 --> 00:08:22,000
What are you talking about?
177
00:08:22,000 --> 00:08:24,000
Barclay is on the verge
of a heart attack.
178
00:08:24,000 --> 00:08:25,880
Trust me, I know the signs.
179
00:08:25,880 --> 00:08:27,120
What if he carks it right there
and doesn't move on?
180
00:08:27,120 --> 00:08:29,280
We could be stuck with him forever.
181
00:08:29,280 --> 00:08:30,760
I think you're getting a bit
carried away. Which means
182
00:08:30,760 --> 00:08:33,400
you could be stuck with him, too.
183
00:08:33,400 --> 00:08:35,000
Every day.
184
00:08:35,000 --> 00:08:37,640
For the rest of your life.
185
00:08:37,640 --> 00:08:40,400
Oh, no.
186
00:08:40,400 --> 00:08:42,040
Lovely strip of land at the end of
the drive there once belonged to me.
187
00:08:42,040 --> 00:08:43,920
Ahh.
188
00:08:43,920 --> 00:08:45,200
No way. OK, what about 4:30?
189
00:08:45,200 --> 00:08:49,720
Can you do it by 4:30?
It's not about the deadline.
190
00:08:49,720 --> 00:08:51,080
I'm just not doing black text
on a white T-shirt.
191
00:08:52,080 --> 00:08:54,560
I'm an artiste.
192
00:08:54,560 --> 00:08:56,960
What? Would you ask Michelangelo
to touch up your skirting boards?
193
00:08:56,960 --> 00:09:00,280
Depends on his prices.
And if he could do it by 4:30.
194
00:09:00,280 --> 00:09:01,680
Here's what I'll do -
custom vector logo,
195
00:09:01,680 --> 00:09:04,760
three-colour digiprint
on a high-weave cotton blend!
196
00:09:04,760 --> 00:09:07,120
Sounds great. Thanks, man.
Owe you one.
197
00:09:07,120 --> 00:09:09,600
And you'll credit me on air, right?
198
00:09:09,600 --> 00:09:13,200
I mean, if they ask about the top.
199
00:09:13,200 --> 00:09:15,680
Oh, they'll ask about the top!
200
00:09:15,680 --> 00:09:17,200
That's a fact!
201
00:09:17,200 --> 00:09:18,880
And the priest says, "I know!
That's why I painted it gold."
202
00:09:18,880 --> 00:09:22,200
That is offensive to at least
five different religions.
203
00:09:22,200 --> 00:09:24,160
There are only three in it.
204
00:09:24,160 --> 00:09:28,800
Give over.
It's just a harmless bit of fun.
205
00:09:31,120 --> 00:09:33,800
You haven't heard
me jumbo jet joke yet.
206
00:09:33,800 --> 00:09:35,160
There's a nun, a gorilla
and a paed...
207
00:09:35,160 --> 00:09:37,360
Do you mind?
I'm baring my soul here.
208
00:09:37,360 --> 00:09:40,200
You're making this very slow
and painful.
209
00:09:40,200 --> 00:09:42,960
Unlike his execution. Oh!
210
00:09:42,960 --> 00:09:45,560
Now, where was I?
211
00:09:45,560 --> 00:09:47,720
Oh, yeah.
212
00:09:47,720 --> 00:09:50,080
Book club.
213
00:09:50,080 --> 00:09:51,760
Bonjour. Good to, er, see you.
Bonjour again.
214
00:09:51,760 --> 00:09:53,360
Ca va?
215
00:09:53,360 --> 00:09:54,680
Happy reading.
What book is it this week?
216
00:09:56,600 --> 00:10:00,200
Quel livre?
217
00:10:01,960 --> 00:10:03,960
Le Printemps d'Yver,
Contenant Plusieurs Histoires
218
00:10:03,960 --> 00:10:07,120
Discourses en Cinq Journees
219
00:10:07,120 --> 00:10:08,320
en Une Noble Compagnie
au Chateau du Printemps.
220
00:10:08,320 --> 00:10:10,960
Well, don't tell me how it ends.
221
00:10:10,960 --> 00:10:12,240
Je voulais vous remercier.
Pour m'avoir laisse faire ca.
222
00:10:12,240 --> 00:10:14,520
Je me sens un peu mieux.
223
00:10:15,720 --> 00:10:17,320
Ssh...
224
00:10:22,400 --> 00:10:27,320
Moi...
225
00:10:27,320 --> 00:10:28,840
..joyeux.
226
00:10:28,840 --> 00:10:30,520
Thank you. You're welcome.
227
00:10:30,520 --> 00:10:31,560
DOOR CLOSES
228
00:10:32,600 --> 00:10:33,760
Well, don't just stand there.
We have much to do.
229
00:10:35,720 --> 00:10:38,200
We've received word from Queen Mary.
230
00:10:40,960 --> 00:10:42,240
She approves of your plan,
but only if we can act quickly.
231
00:10:46,440 --> 00:10:48,520
There are spies everywhere.
232
00:10:49,520 --> 00:10:52,200
We cannot delay.
233
00:10:52,200 --> 00:10:55,720
Then Monday it is. We get Elizabeth
on her way to chapel.
234
00:10:55,720 --> 00:10:57,520
By this time next week, the true
Queen will sit on the throne.
235
00:10:57,520 --> 00:10:59,040
Death to Queen Bess.
ALL: Death to Queen Bess.
236
00:10:59,040 --> 00:11:02,640
What about him?
237
00:11:02,640 --> 00:11:05,560
He knows nothing.
238
00:11:05,560 --> 00:11:08,720
Famously.
239
00:11:10,080 --> 00:11:11,200
THEY CHUCKLE
240
00:11:13,200 --> 00:11:14,440
He is a good man.
241
00:11:14,440 --> 00:11:16,200
So the plan is to conceal
our blades here by the colonnade...
242
00:11:16,200 --> 00:11:18,200
Well, fancy that! Young filly there
seems to think I might have
243
00:11:18,200 --> 00:11:19,520
some useful insights -
her words, not mine.
244
00:11:25,320 --> 00:11:28,120
Well, mine, but she nodded.
245
00:11:30,280 --> 00:11:33,920
Wants to get me on camera.
246
00:11:33,920 --> 00:11:37,320
And you're not, like,
nervous about...?
247
00:11:37,320 --> 00:11:39,200
Ah-ah-ah!
248
00:11:39,200 --> 00:11:41,320
What I... What I mean by that is...
249
00:11:41,320 --> 00:11:44,280
Tell the old guff to go and die
on his own property.
250
00:11:44,280 --> 00:11:46,360
He's got enough of it.
Are you OK?
251
00:11:46,360 --> 00:11:48,200
Me? Yes. Fit as a fiddle. In fact,
252
00:11:48,200 --> 00:11:50,400
I'm on a bit of a health kick.
253
00:11:50,400 --> 00:11:52,360
After 20 years
of no exercise whatsoever,
254
00:11:52,360 --> 00:11:55,440
I've just taken up squash.
255
00:11:55,440 --> 00:11:57,800
Yeah, that'll do it.
What is squash?
256
00:11:57,800 --> 00:12:01,200
So, we've got a few more shots
to grab in the Rose Garden
257
00:12:01,200 --> 00:12:03,160
and then we'll be back to do
the interviews.
258
00:12:03,160 --> 00:12:05,840
If you're both happy and...
Marvellous!
259
00:12:05,840 --> 00:12:08,640
Yeah. I'll go and rehearse.
There's no need
260
00:12:08,640 --> 00:12:10,920
to prepare anything, really.
261
00:12:10,920 --> 00:12:12,680
Best to keep it natural.
Conversational.
262
00:12:12,680 --> 00:12:15,040
Of course. Of course.
263
00:12:15,040 --> 00:12:16,560
Amateur.
264
00:12:16,560 --> 00:12:18,880
You have got to get him out of here!
265
00:12:18,880 --> 00:12:20,280
I meant to say, Zara, there's
a stunning view of the house,
266
00:12:20,280 --> 00:12:22,480
er, from just...
just past that fence.
267
00:12:22,480 --> 00:12:26,200
I thought it might make a nice
background for Barclay's interview.
268
00:12:26,200 --> 00:12:29,840
OK. I'll take a look.
269
00:12:29,840 --> 00:12:32,280
Yeah, yeah. Just PAST the fence.
270
00:12:32,280 --> 00:12:35,520
Just outside the grounds.
Outside. Outside.
271
00:12:35,520 --> 00:12:37,040
Outside. Did you say outside?
272
00:12:37,040 --> 00:12:38,800
Yeah, I think she got it.
273
00:12:38,800 --> 00:12:41,600
Barclay Beg-Chetwynde,
local historian.
274
00:12:41,600 --> 00:12:43,600
Friend of the house.
275
00:12:43,600 --> 00:12:44,960
Barclay Beg-Chetwynde,
Button House spokesman.
276
00:12:47,080 --> 00:12:50,880
What's he doing here?
277
00:12:50,880 --> 00:12:52,000
Cheg-Betwynde. Beg-Chetwynde.
278
00:12:53,520 --> 00:12:57,400
He just appeared. Like posh Batman.
279
00:12:59,360 --> 00:13:00,720
Well, he's in there saying
he's our spokesman. Yeah, well,
280
00:13:00,720 --> 00:13:02,400
he spoke to Zara and they want
to film a bit with him now.
281
00:13:02,400 --> 00:13:05,000
What? Yeah. Can't let him speak for
us! You've got to do the interview.
282
00:13:05,000 --> 00:13:07,680
Oh, pile on the pressure.
283
00:13:07,680 --> 00:13:10,200
It's just, I know that you can do
it. You're the face of Button House.
284
00:13:10,200 --> 00:13:13,080
Because you know what you've got?
285
00:13:13,080 --> 00:13:14,760
Inner strength?
286
00:13:14,760 --> 00:13:17,640
I was going to say a branded
sweatshirt coming, but...
287
00:13:17,640 --> 00:13:19,240
But inner strength. OK.
288
00:13:19,240 --> 00:13:20,520
Yeah? Love you.
289
00:13:20,520 --> 00:13:22,920
Is it your oral skills?
290
00:13:22,920 --> 00:13:24,320
Excuse me? That worry you,
about the interview?
291
00:13:24,320 --> 00:13:27,520
I just don't want to be on camera,
like public speaking.
292
00:13:27,520 --> 00:13:29,640
I understand entirely.
293
00:13:29,640 --> 00:13:32,440
I remember my first confabulation
on Button FM.
294
00:13:32,440 --> 00:13:36,120
Stammering like
a chicken-hearted clown.
295
00:13:36,120 --> 00:13:37,840
But I found my voice, Alison,
and I can help you find yours.
296
00:13:37,840 --> 00:13:41,040
OK?
297
00:13:41,040 --> 00:13:45,120
OK.
298
00:13:45,120 --> 00:13:49,680
How dare you?
299
00:13:50,960 --> 00:13:52,640
I'll have you know
I've got my entertainers badge.
300
00:13:52,640 --> 00:13:54,400
I just hadn't sewn it on yet.
301
00:13:54,400 --> 00:13:55,760
The same with my sewing badge.
302
00:13:55,760 --> 00:13:58,880
I'm simply saying that
the reason you so rarely see us
303
00:13:58,880 --> 00:14:01,080
reduced to fits of hysteria
is because in present company,
304
00:14:01,080 --> 00:14:03,120
we're seldom given cause.
All right, then.
305
00:14:03,120 --> 00:14:06,000
Why don't you make us all laugh,
show us how it's done?
306
00:14:06,000 --> 00:14:08,800
I'll handle this, Fanny.
307
00:14:08,800 --> 00:14:11,360
Right. Now.
I just remember thinking,
308
00:14:11,360 --> 00:14:14,400
"Well, it must be
a pretty good book,
309
00:14:14,400 --> 00:14:15,640
"cos they've been in there
for ages."
310
00:14:15,640 --> 00:14:17,680
Farewell. Au revoir.
Er, bon...to see you all.
311
00:14:17,680 --> 00:14:19,560
Take care.
312
00:14:19,560 --> 00:14:21,880
HUMS TO HIMSELF
313
00:14:21,880 --> 00:14:25,360
Oh, someone forgot their...
314
00:14:26,840 --> 00:14:27,880
Oh!
315
00:14:33,040 --> 00:14:34,720
Oh, no.
316
00:14:37,840 --> 00:14:40,200
The butler burnt the butter
but the bacon bore the brunt.
317
00:14:40,200 --> 00:14:41,760
The butler burnt the butter but
the bacon bore the brunt.
318
00:14:50,920 --> 00:14:52,200
The butler burnt the butter
but the bacon bore the brunt.
319
00:14:53,920 --> 00:14:56,280
The butler burnt the butter
but the bacon...
320
00:14:56,280 --> 00:14:58,240
Something amusing?
Sorry. It's just,
321
00:14:58,240 --> 00:15:00,520
it's hard to think of you
in a sort of, well, teacher role.
322
00:15:00,520 --> 00:15:02,880
Ah, I see.
323
00:15:02,880 --> 00:15:04,800
Because of the frisson.
324
00:15:04,800 --> 00:15:07,960
The frisson?
The frisson between us.
325
00:15:07,960 --> 00:15:09,840
I know it is difficult, Alison,
but while you are under my tutelage,
326
00:15:09,840 --> 00:15:11,400
you really must pretend
there is no frisson.
327
00:15:11,400 --> 00:15:13,840
Thomas, there is no frisson.
328
00:15:13,840 --> 00:15:17,840
That's the spirit.
329
00:15:17,840 --> 00:15:20,160
Now, then, your turn.
330
00:15:20,160 --> 00:15:21,480
The butler... The butler
burnt the butter and the butter...
331
00:15:22,680 --> 00:15:24,120
BUTler. The butler burnt the
butter... What's a budler?
332
00:15:25,440 --> 00:15:26,720
Bu-t-t-t. Big but. Big but.
That's it.
333
00:15:26,720 --> 00:15:30,480
VIBRATES LIPS
334
00:15:30,480 --> 00:15:33,600
MUFFLED: Welcome to Button House.
That's it.
335
00:15:33,600 --> 00:15:35,560
I know it feels strange
but it really strengthens...
336
00:15:35,560 --> 00:15:37,520
Shaking everything.
337
00:15:37,520 --> 00:15:39,280
VIBRATES LIPS
338
00:15:39,280 --> 00:15:41,240
I am a confident
and beautiful young woman.
339
00:15:41,240 --> 00:15:43,000
I am a confident woman...
And I deserve to be on television.
340
00:15:43,000 --> 00:15:45,280
Welcome to Button House.
Hands at our sides.
341
00:15:45,280 --> 00:15:48,040
We're not a seagull.
342
00:15:48,040 --> 00:15:50,520
Thomas is terrific and I wish...
Thomas is terrific and I wish...
343
00:15:50,520 --> 00:15:52,560
..we were betrothed.
..we were... No.
344
00:15:52,560 --> 00:15:53,880
It's just an exercise.
345
00:15:53,880 --> 00:15:56,520
Fine, we'll do something else.
346
00:15:56,520 --> 00:15:58,240
And the quartermaster says,
"You may have paid the bill,
347
00:15:58,240 --> 00:16:00,160
"but I'm still the PATE familias."
348
00:16:00,160 --> 00:16:02,280
Because he'd had the pate.
349
00:16:02,280 --> 00:16:05,400
The pate! Do you see?
350
00:16:05,400 --> 00:16:09,200
It's very clever.
351
00:16:11,120 --> 00:16:12,640
She didn't laugh.
352
00:16:12,640 --> 00:16:13,880
You didn't laugh.
353
00:16:14,840 --> 00:16:16,240
Nobody laughed. Yes.
354
00:16:16,240 --> 00:16:17,560
Long, fancy words don't make
something funny.
355
00:16:17,560 --> 00:16:18,960
I find I often laugh most
at the simplest things.
356
00:16:18,960 --> 00:16:20,880
Duly noted.
357
00:16:20,880 --> 00:16:23,720
Like someone else laughing. Oh, yes.
358
00:16:23,720 --> 00:16:26,640
Laughter is contagious.
359
00:16:26,640 --> 00:16:28,000
What? Oh, no! Oh, no, no.
Not in a bad way, Kitty.
360
00:16:28,000 --> 00:16:29,760
No, just that laughter
breeds more laughter.
361
00:16:29,760 --> 00:16:31,560
Preposterous. Balderdash.
362
00:16:31,560 --> 00:16:34,840
SHE LAUGHS
363
00:16:34,840 --> 00:16:37,840
HE CHUCKLES
364
00:16:37,840 --> 00:16:40,160
THEY LAUGH
365
00:16:41,880 --> 00:16:43,960
PHONE RINGS
366
00:16:45,280 --> 00:16:46,640
What's up? About this top.
I've been...
367
00:16:50,600 --> 00:16:53,440
Haven't you done it yet?
Impact-wise, we could wrap the text
368
00:17:01,240 --> 00:17:04,520
around the trunk and...
I don't care if you potato-print it
369
00:17:04,520 --> 00:17:07,200
on a bin bag, as long as
it says Button House
370
00:17:07,200 --> 00:17:10,480
and it's here by 4:30, yeah?
All right, all right, I'm on it!
371
00:17:10,480 --> 00:17:13,040
This sweater
is my Sistine Chapel roof.
372
00:17:13,040 --> 00:17:15,120
Ceiling. Is it? Good.
373
00:17:15,120 --> 00:17:18,040
Because I just googled the roof
and I weren't blown away.
374
00:17:18,040 --> 00:17:21,200
UPROARIOUS LAUGHTER
375
00:17:21,200 --> 00:17:23,440
LAUGHING: I can't help myself!
376
00:17:23,440 --> 00:17:26,720
ALL GASP FOR BREATH
377
00:17:29,200 --> 00:17:33,320
Anyway, where was I?
378
00:17:42,840 --> 00:17:44,240
About to die. Oh, yeah.
379
00:17:46,640 --> 00:17:48,600
If you can calls that dying.
380
00:17:54,600 --> 00:17:56,200
Bonne nuit, Sophie.
381
00:17:56,200 --> 00:17:58,680
What have you done?
382
00:17:58,680 --> 00:18:00,440
OUTSIDE: Halt! Her Majesty's Guard.
We have to go.
383
00:18:03,000 --> 00:18:04,440
Go? What?
384
00:18:12,880 --> 00:18:14,560
You want to live, we must go.
385
00:18:14,560 --> 00:18:17,360
OUTSIDE: Who do you think you are?
386
00:18:17,360 --> 00:18:18,800
Humphrey!
387
00:18:18,800 --> 00:18:21,200
I'll hold them off as long as I can.
388
00:18:21,200 --> 00:18:22,840
THUDDING
Quoi?!
389
00:18:22,840 --> 00:18:24,560
This isn't the life
you signed up for. Go!
390
00:18:25,760 --> 00:18:27,280
Have another one.
391
00:18:27,280 --> 00:18:29,000
Well, go!
392
00:18:29,000 --> 00:18:31,960
HAMMERING ON DOOR
Open this door!
393
00:18:31,960 --> 00:18:33,760
Show yourself!
394
00:18:33,760 --> 00:18:35,240
HAMMERING ON DOOR
395
00:18:35,240 --> 00:18:37,360
Open up!
396
00:18:37,360 --> 00:18:39,080
Ahh!
397
00:18:40,640 --> 00:18:42,280
Keep going!
398
00:18:42,280 --> 00:18:44,160
PRESENTER: ..beheaded on the spot
for high treason,
399
00:18:44,160 --> 00:18:45,200
so heinous was his crime,
400
00:18:47,640 --> 00:18:48,880
with Mary's orders
still in his hand.
401
00:18:48,880 --> 00:18:51,640
Sir Humphrey Bone,
mastermind of the Bone Plot,
402
00:18:51,640 --> 00:18:53,840
and martyr to it.
403
00:18:53,840 --> 00:18:57,280
SWORD UNSHEATHES
404
00:18:57,280 --> 00:19:01,000
At least, that's how...
405
00:19:01,000 --> 00:19:02,640
CAPTAIN CLEARS THROAT
406
00:19:02,640 --> 00:19:04,720
For valiance.
407
00:19:08,360 --> 00:19:10,040
Yes. Quite right.
Well said, that man.
408
00:19:10,040 --> 00:19:11,560
Fair do's, actually. Fair do's.
409
00:19:12,640 --> 00:19:14,040
It's a horrible way to go.
Easy for you to say, isn't it?
410
00:19:14,040 --> 00:19:16,480
You barely even feels an arrow.
411
00:19:16,480 --> 00:19:18,360
You what?
412
00:19:18,360 --> 00:19:21,680
We should tell Alison
what we've learned.
413
00:19:21,680 --> 00:19:23,360
Yes. And she can tell
the television people.
414
00:19:23,360 --> 00:19:24,840
ECHOING: This isn't the life
you signed up for!
415
00:19:24,840 --> 00:19:27,840
Go!
416
00:19:27,840 --> 00:19:30,600
In the name of Her Majesty,
open this door!
417
00:19:37,520 --> 00:19:39,680
HAMMERING ON DOOR
418
00:19:39,680 --> 00:19:40,960
SHOUTED ORDERS
419
00:19:44,320 --> 00:19:46,920
Oh, God.
420
00:19:46,920 --> 00:19:49,240
What am I doing?!
421
00:19:49,240 --> 00:19:51,160
YELLS
422
00:19:54,600 --> 00:19:56,560
Ha! Oh!
423
00:19:56,560 --> 00:19:57,880
Ah! Yes! Yes!
424
00:20:01,720 --> 00:20:04,320
God, oh, God, oh, God, oh, God...
425
00:20:09,560 --> 00:20:11,120
Her Majesty's Guards!
426
00:20:17,600 --> 00:20:19,400
Show yourself!
427
00:20:24,280 --> 00:20:26,280
DOOR OPENS
428
00:20:31,200 --> 00:20:32,840
No sign of him, sir.
429
00:20:32,840 --> 00:20:34,640
Why is it always bad news
with you?
430
00:20:42,120 --> 00:20:43,560
It's not always... It's never, "Oh,
I've found him, he's through here."
431
00:20:50,960 --> 00:20:52,320
I found that priest hole once.
There was no priest in it.
432
00:20:53,760 --> 00:20:55,440
That was just a hole.
433
00:20:55,440 --> 00:20:58,080
SHUFFLING
434
00:20:58,080 --> 00:21:00,160
God, I love this house.
435
00:21:00,160 --> 00:21:01,440
BLADES CLASH, SQUELCH
436
00:21:03,440 --> 00:21:05,360
Whoopsy-daisy.
437
00:21:05,360 --> 00:21:21,680
I might say I did that. I would.
438
00:21:21,680 --> 00:21:23,200
See, this is why I won't have swords
in the house. Yeah.
439
00:21:24,200 --> 00:21:25,600
Well, you've got kids, haven't you?
440
00:21:33,080 --> 00:21:35,440
Bad day?
441
00:21:39,160 --> 00:21:41,320
SCREAMS
442
00:21:46,320 --> 00:21:49,440
Hey. Well, I think we're almost
ready to do the interviews,
443
00:21:49,440 --> 00:21:51,520
if you... Yeah, about that. I don't
know what Mr Deg-Chegwin told you,
444
00:21:51,520 --> 00:22:04,080
but he's not actually
anything to do with Button House.
445
00:22:04,080 --> 00:22:05,400
He's just a sort of
mean local weirdo.
446
00:22:05,400 --> 00:22:06,920
Actually, that's not fair.
No, that is fair.
447
00:22:06,920 --> 00:22:10,080
So, yeah, we'd rather he wasn't
associated with the house
448
00:22:10,080 --> 00:22:13,400
because, to be honest, I'm worried
about how he comes across on TV.
449
00:22:13,400 --> 00:22:15,880
OK. It's just that
I got the impression
450
00:22:15,880 --> 00:22:18,320
your wife wasn't all that keen
to do an interview.
451
00:22:18,320 --> 00:22:20,240
You're kidding! She can't wait.
I'm telling you,
452
00:22:20,240 --> 00:22:23,120
she's a natural.
453
00:22:23,120 --> 00:22:25,600
Er...
454
00:22:25,600 --> 00:22:27,720
So the house is, um... Um...
455
00:22:27,720 --> 00:22:30,480
..like, my connection, um...
456
00:22:30,480 --> 00:22:33,160
Um. ..to the family. Um...
457
00:22:33,160 --> 00:22:35,000
Um, um, um...
458
00:22:35,000 --> 00:22:36,800
You see, if we can just...
Babe! You're up next.
459
00:22:36,800 --> 00:22:38,960
What, now? We need more time,
damn you! Already?
460
00:22:38,960 --> 00:22:41,240
Can't Barclay go first?
No, he's been canned.
461
00:22:41,240 --> 00:22:43,920
Apparently an anonymous source
told them what he's like
462
00:22:43,920 --> 00:22:45,240
and they were like... Mike.
What? He's bad PR and you know it.
463
00:22:45,240 --> 00:22:47,160
How did he take it?
464
00:22:47,160 --> 00:22:49,840
Um... "Um...!" They're all at it.
Give me five minutes
465
00:22:49,840 --> 00:22:53,160
and I'll let you know. Wish me luck.
466
00:22:53,160 --> 00:22:55,960
No, no, no. Wait, wait, wait, wait.
467
00:22:55,960 --> 00:22:58,720
I'll do it.
We need to be gentle with him
468
00:22:58,720 --> 00:23:00,400
and then we need to get him
out of here real quick.
469
00:23:00,400 --> 00:23:03,280
HORN TOOTS
470
00:23:03,280 --> 00:23:04,840
Obi!
471
00:23:04,840 --> 00:23:06,400
Oh, we're finished here, are we?
472
00:23:06,400 --> 00:23:08,720
Hey, see? It's a masterpiece!
473
00:23:08,720 --> 00:23:11,680
Yeah, yeah. Give it to me.
474
00:23:11,680 --> 00:23:13,440
Why are you wearing it?
Because it looks sick.
475
00:23:13,440 --> 00:23:14,760
Right. We're ready for Alison,
just up by the fence there.
476
00:23:14,760 --> 00:23:16,400
Fence? What fence? Just up by the...
477
00:23:18,240 --> 00:23:21,360
She thought the view was quite good.
No, no, no.
478
00:23:21,360 --> 00:23:22,560
I mean, there's much better spots
nearer the house, like by the sign.
479
00:23:24,360 --> 00:23:26,600
So you can see the house.
By the sign?
480
00:23:26,600 --> 00:23:29,800
It's just we're all set up
over there now.
481
00:23:29,800 --> 00:23:31,880
But...but maybe we'll come
and grab something here a bit later.
482
00:23:31,880 --> 00:23:34,520
I'm thrilled to fill in a tiny part
of its rich and varied history.
483
00:23:34,520 --> 00:23:38,720
Yes, that'll do it. Right,
once more. Get it in the old memory.
484
00:23:38,720 --> 00:23:41,200
Oh, God. Is he still here?
485
00:23:41,200 --> 00:23:43,760
Hello there.
486
00:23:43,760 --> 00:23:47,600
What? Me?
May I just say
487
00:23:48,920 --> 00:23:54,160
what an honour it is to be joining
you here in this wonderful house?
488
00:23:55,280 --> 00:23:59,120
Oh, God, no.
489
00:23:59,120 --> 00:24:01,320
I'm thrilled to fill in a tiny part
490
00:24:01,320 --> 00:24:02,600
of its rich and varied history.
491
00:24:02,600 --> 00:24:05,200
It's happened!
492
00:24:05,200 --> 00:24:08,920
Alison!
493
00:24:08,920 --> 00:24:10,400
Ah, perfect.
494
00:24:10,400 --> 00:24:13,160
Knock, knock. Hi, how are you?
495
00:24:13,160 --> 00:24:15,920
How are you?
496
00:24:15,920 --> 00:24:17,280
Yes, fine, raring to go.
497
00:24:17,280 --> 00:24:19,360
GRUNTS
498
00:24:19,360 --> 00:24:21,360
Er, right.
499
00:24:21,360 --> 00:24:23,960
It's just...
500
00:24:23,960 --> 00:24:25,040
Do you want to sit down?
501
00:24:25,040 --> 00:24:26,880
No!
502
00:24:26,880 --> 00:24:28,000
Really? OK.
503
00:24:28,000 --> 00:24:29,880
The thing is, talking again
to the documentary guys,
504
00:24:29,880 --> 00:24:32,120
it seems now they want
to focus more on people
505
00:24:32,120 --> 00:24:33,360
who actually lived...live
in the house.
506
00:24:33,360 --> 00:24:34,640
Oh, dear.
507
00:24:34,640 --> 00:24:36,000
So I wore a new shirt for nothing.
508
00:24:36,000 --> 00:24:40,680
Been bally baking in it all day,
509
00:24:40,680 --> 00:24:44,440
and talk about itchy!
510
00:24:44,440 --> 00:24:47,440
Well, that explains it.
511
00:24:49,600 --> 00:24:50,760
Yes, it does.
512
00:24:50,760 --> 00:24:52,920
Oh, that's much better.
513
00:24:52,920 --> 00:24:56,200
Yeah.
514
00:24:56,200 --> 00:24:57,840
Breathe, but don't gasp,
and don't gabble. No ums and ahs.
515
00:25:01,000 --> 00:25:03,520
If you need to pause, pause,
but don't show you're pausing.
516
00:25:03,520 --> 00:25:04,920
Look, I know that you mean well,
517
00:25:04,920 --> 00:25:06,640
but it's me they want to talk to,
518
00:25:06,640 --> 00:25:08,160
not some drop-out from the
Thomas Thorne Finishing School.
519
00:25:17,360 --> 00:25:20,960
So will you please just stop talking
and accept that you're a better poet
520
00:25:20,960 --> 00:25:24,120
than you are a teacher?
And that is really saying something.
521
00:25:24,120 --> 00:25:26,480
Confident, eloquent, composed.
522
00:25:26,480 --> 00:25:28,000
My work here is done.
523
00:25:28,000 --> 00:25:30,640
Damn your eyes. You're welcome.
524
00:25:30,640 --> 00:25:33,560
It was inherited
through my dad's side, but he died
525
00:25:33,560 --> 00:25:36,040
when I was young and my mum
passed away more recently.
526
00:25:40,800 --> 00:25:45,040
So with no living relatives,
the house has become a kind of
527
00:25:45,040 --> 00:25:46,560
link to my ancestors
through the ages.
528
00:25:47,680 --> 00:25:49,440
It's like having family
all around me.
529
00:25:53,000 --> 00:25:55,840
Can you give us any more information
about...? Could you smile?
530
00:25:55,840 --> 00:25:58,880
But with your voice.
Say Button House.
531
00:25:58,880 --> 00:26:01,640
Alison! ..every bit as fascinating
as your journey... I warned you!
532
00:26:01,640 --> 00:26:04,760
I did warn you!
SHOUTING, INTERVIEWER CONTINUES
533
00:26:04,760 --> 00:26:07,400
Pull the top down!
ALL TALK AT ONCE
534
00:26:07,400 --> 00:26:10,400
You're doing very well,
just block it out.
535
00:26:10,400 --> 00:26:13,520
Try not to hesitate...
I warned you!
536
00:26:13,520 --> 00:26:17,480
Alison! Emergency!
537
00:26:17,480 --> 00:26:20,400
INTERVIEWER: Alison?
Er...
538
00:26:21,960 --> 00:26:24,560
Er...
539
00:26:24,560 --> 00:26:27,440
ALISON ON TV: ..literally
a phone call saying,
540
00:26:27,440 --> 00:26:29,640
"You now own this house."
541
00:26:29,640 --> 00:26:31,440
It was inherited
through my dad's side,
542
00:26:31,440 --> 00:26:34,000
but he died when I was young and
my mum passed away more recently.
543
00:26:35,840 --> 00:26:36,960
Aw. So with no living relatives,
544
00:26:36,960 --> 00:26:38,880
the house has become a kind of
link... Oh, can't see the logo!
545
00:26:38,880 --> 00:26:39,960
Lose the thing! Lose the thing!
546
00:26:39,960 --> 00:26:42,280
It's like having family
all around me.
547
00:26:42,280 --> 00:26:45,320
Aw! That's nice.
548
00:26:45,320 --> 00:26:47,880
I think this is where I...
549
00:26:47,880 --> 00:26:51,000
Well, the brick...
The brick frontage
550
00:26:51,000 --> 00:26:53,320
is, er...it was a brick front
551
00:26:53,320 --> 00:26:54,960
added to what is, er,
what was a Tudor house.
552
00:26:54,960 --> 00:26:57,000
FANNY: What does that say?
What is a Butt Ho?
553
00:26:57,000 --> 00:26:59,840
Are you the Butt Ho?
554
00:26:59,840 --> 00:27:01,760
..it was brick,
it had a brick facade.
555
00:27:01,760 --> 00:27:03,440
Oh, my... Obi!
556
00:27:03,440 --> 00:27:07,000
CLEARS THROAT
557
00:27:07,000 --> 00:27:09,520
..which is now what we now see now
on Button House.
558
00:27:09,520 --> 00:27:11,360
Well, thanks, everyone.
559
00:27:11,360 --> 00:27:13,320
But there's much more to this place
than just structural issues.
560
00:27:13,320 --> 00:27:14,920
ALL GROAN AND BOO
561
00:27:14,920 --> 00:27:16,000
For one thing, it's haunted!
562
00:27:16,000 --> 00:27:19,760
And I'm turning it off.
No, no, wait.
563
00:27:19,760 --> 00:27:22,240
Oh! Hang on a sec.
564
00:27:22,240 --> 00:27:26,160
I think this is my cameo.
565
00:27:26,160 --> 00:27:29,160
Ooh!
566
00:27:29,160 --> 00:27:31,120
Watch the vase.
567
00:27:31,120 --> 00:27:32,720
Wait for it...
568
00:27:32,720 --> 00:27:34,040
THEY CHEER
569
00:27:34,040 --> 00:27:36,440
CAPTAIN: Bravo!
570
00:27:36,440 --> 00:27:37,720
It's like he's famous.
571
00:27:37,720 --> 00:27:39,720
Can I have your autograph?
You got a pen?
572
00:27:39,720 --> 00:27:41,320
But one thing's for certain -
when it came to the Catholic cause,
573
00:27:42,680 --> 00:27:45,280
Sir Humphrey Bone was a man prepared
574
00:27:45,280 --> 00:27:46,920
to stick his neck out.
575
00:27:46,920 --> 00:27:48,840
Oh-ho! Oh! Oh-ho!
576
00:27:48,840 --> 00:27:51,080
THEY LAUGH
577
00:27:51,080 --> 00:27:53,880
Oh, very good!
42259
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