Original subtitles

Wooldoor: who's it gonna be?! Who's it gonna be?!

Wheeeeee!

Wooldoor: the producers decided to surprise one of us

With a visit from a family member.

I hope it's someone from my family

Like flagfred cheesewheel,

Lintsue brickshade, or prom-queen dumpsterbaby.

[speaking japanese]

Look, everyone! Someone's coming!

Clara: the second I saw the horse and carriage,

I just knew it had to be someone from my kingdom.

But when I saw it was the short carriage, my heart sank.

Why?! Why did she have to come?!

Oh, fuck me.

[garbled speech]

Um, everyone, this is my special cousin bleh.

Foxxy: no one knew clara

Had a mentally-challenged cousin, but it was cool.

The foxxy five used to perform for special needs kids,

And those people got hearts as big as they oversized foreheads.

"I am sam is a well-written and exceptionally well-acted tearjerker,"

Raves adam nayman of eye weekly.

What the shoebazzle was that?

She, um, only quotes reviews from the movie I am sam.

Huh? Hmm.

Well, this has been fun. Bye!

Well, i've never seen someone that slow go that fast.

Oh, yeah! Give it up!

Yeah!

[speaking japanese]

Oh, poor ling-ling. He's so disappointed his father didn't show.

Oh!

Oh, sweetie, i'm so sorry your father's not coming.

We still love ya! Don't we, toot?!

Fine!

[kiss]

Ling-ling, you taste so weird.

[giggling]

[giggling]

Let's go, bleh. The coast is clear.

But after this, no more potty breaks.

"I am sam plays like a made-for-tv weep--"

Shh!

I know it seemed like I was ashamed of my cousin,

But nothing could be further from the truth.

Aah! Foxxy: hey, clara!

What's up, girlfriend?

You know, none of us have really had a chance

To hang out with bleh yet.

Bleh? What's a bleh?

Is that one of your jive words like "emancipation"?

No, bleh your cousin.

Uh, clara? Why is the lamp drooling?

I guess to remind us to conserve electricity.

Clara, there is no reason to be embarrassed by your cousin.

Embarrassed? I'm not embarrassed.

Stop pretending bleh is a lamp.

She is not a lamp, clara.

She is a real person with real feelings.

Foxxy was probably right.

Damn that ms. Know-it-all!

I should have killed her when I had the chance.

Give me your hand!

First, give me the ring!

[kisses]

Xandir: it just didn't make sense.

When we licked ling-ling last time,

We got all [bleep]ed up.

But this time, nothing happened.

Well, we got a little aroused,

But not [bleep]ed up.

Uhh! What's the deal-e-o?

I don't feel anything. You?

Nothing.

[kisses]

Hmm. Maybe we have to eat ling-ling.

Why is it when something doesn't work,

Your first reaction is to eat it?

What?! What are you doing?

I couldn't find the remote.

You know, there is one person

Who can figure this out.

The professor! The professor!

[hums]

Ooh!

Aha! [whistle blows]

Got it. Hit the lights.

Here you see the african camel toad.

It secretes a hallucinogen

Whenever it's scared.

Ahh!

Yeah, that's--oh, I didn't know that.

When "cool" kids feel like catching a "buzz,"

They scare the amphibian and then lick its skin.

All the cool kids, you say?

Now take ling-ling, the asian trading card battle monster.

It creates a similar hallucinogen

Whenever it's disappointed.

Ahh! Oh, I want to be cool!

So, ling-ling was experiencing disappointment

Due to its father's absence,

Then, upon kissing ling-ling,

You became...[wacky noises] technically speaking.

So, only when ling-ling is disappointed, eh? Hmm.

[screaming] [alarm] [siren]

[bagpipes playing]

[harps playing]

[crickets chirping]

Oh! Don't look, but corky at 3:00.

Foxxy: it looked like I got through to the princess.

Clara would see that there ain't no reason to be ashamed of bleh.

We all adults.

Dude, let's egg the trainable.

Mind if we join you guys?

No, no, no. Of course not.

Don't be stupid.

[both snicker]

[eggshells crack]

Man, clara's cousin is so hot!

Damn! She's like retarded hot!

[whimpers] sam! Aah!

Clara: i'm really glad I brought bleh

Down to hang out with everyone.

They treated her like she was one of the gang.

I hadn't seen bleh have this much fun

Since they cancelled the pretty, shiny object show.

You sure you don't want to stay and play a few rounds?

Nah, it's getting late, and we don't want to intrude on guy time.

'night!

"I am sam works magic 'cause of penn,"

Raves lou lumenick of the new york post.

I go first. Whee!

Holy shit!

She is so hot!

Oh, spanky.

What? Oh. Ok.

[kiss]

Oh, that bleh, man.

I would totally dip my wick in that.

Listen, dude. No matter how hot she is,

You would not punch holes in a sped.

Oh, hell, yeah, I would.

I mean, she's the perfect girl.

All the sweater meat of a regular chick

And half the pillow talk.

[kiss]

Man, you're all talk.

Look, I got 20 large that says you won't sleep with her.

Make it 50 and you're on.

Oh, ha ha! Wheeeeeee!

Hey, if you're gonna be gay about this, you can't play.

Sorry.

[kiss]

Fine. 50 bucks says you won't have sex with bleh.

Easy money.

Captain hero is gonna show you guys

What being a real man is all about.

All: triple kiss!

[kisses]

[snarls]

[speaking japanese]

¶ ling-ling into battle go ¶

¶ fulfill destiny of the soul ¶

¶ all the children sing ¶

Kids: ¶ kill, kill, kill, kill, die, die, die ¶

¶ kill, kill, kill, kill... ¶

Wait, ling-ling. It's just us.

We're not really a 3-headed, acid-spitting needle monster.

[speaking japanese]

Oh.

Oh, no, ling-ling.

Instead of cheering you up,

We accidentally disappointed you.

Oh, poor baby.

Triple kiss!

Oh! Hee hee! [kisses]

[sighing and giggling]

[knocks]

Clara: I found it a bit odd

That captain hero wanted to take bleh out on a date,

And it was my responsibility

To make sure his intentions were pure.

So, captain hero, is it?

Oh. Heh heh! Yeah?

Coming to take my little bleh out

For a night on the town, eh?

You know, I don't know what'd I do

If anything happened to my little bleh.

Yes, ma'am. I mean, no, ma'am.

Son, do you know what it's like

To kill a man with your bare hands?

I do.

I...

Oh!

Here's bleh now!

¶ there she is... ¶

Wow! You look... Stunning.

"I am sam's dakota fanning is worth the price of admission."

[blow dart]

Ow! What the hell?!

A little added protection.

You'll get the antidote when I get my bleh back.

[all giggling]

Hey, ling-ling, you excited for christmas?

Too bad there's no such thing as santa claus!

I bet you're disappointed.

Oh.

[laughs]

Hey, look what I found in your ear!

Is it a quarter?

Oh, no! It's a tumor!

Oh.

[slurps]

[giggles]

Hey, ling-ling, you excited for christmas?

Oh, no! It's a tumor!

Oh.

[slurps]

¶ girly, girly, girly, girly... ¶

[bleh shouts happily and incoherently]

Captain hero: yes, I was confident

That by the end of the night, i'd have another notch on my utility belt

And 50 bucks in my pocket.

Then I realized something. Bleh...

She was really special,

But not like in a retarded way,

In a traditionally special way.

¶ did you ever know that you're my hero? ¶

Oh!

Ok!

¶ you're everything I wish I could be ¶

¶ I could fly higher than an eagle ¶

[both giggle]

Sam.

I don't like these things. They scare me!

¶ beneath my wings ¶

Eeeeeeh! Aah! Sam! ¶ oh, oh, fly ¶

¶ so high against the sky ¶

¶ so high I almost... ¶

Bleh, you are the wind beneath my wings.

"contrived, manipulative,

And shamelessly sentimental," raves peter travers from rolling stone.

Hey, ling-ling, I got a penny. No, I don't.

[licks dry fur]

[rattles]

[bam bam]

[licks dry fur]

Whoa, guys. Guys!

Ling-ling is totally kicked!

What?!

[pants]

[licks dry fur]

Don't hold out on me, man.

I need my fix. Come on! Please, man, come on!

What do you want? I'll do anything!

I'll suck your dick!

Ooh! Ooh, sam!

Hee hee! Shh!

Are you crazy? They'll hear us!

Captain hero: bleh and I got home way past midnight.

I was like, we are gonna get in so much trouble!

So, this was really fantastic.

Um, I, uh...Good night.

[kiss]

¶ girly, girly, girly, girly... ¶

Ahh!

Hey, super stud. Did you sleep with her?

Dude, back off!

I did not, as you so crudely put it...

"nail her in the stink tube."

It's not like that.

So you kids are taking it slow?

See what I did there? I--

You just don't get it, spanky.

Nobody gets it!

[wails]

[door slams]

Captain hero: I was lying in bed,

Replaying the date over and over in my head,

When there was a knock at the door. [knocks]

Who's there?

Bleh! What are you--

Listen, bleh, i'm not that kind of guy.

[pulls pants down]

Oh, my!

Oh, no, no, no...

Leave the helmet on.

Ahh.

Clara: that morning, I woke up feeling great.

Everyone had accepted me and my cousin,

And that was swell.

Oh, what a glorious day, isn't it, bleh?

Bleh?

Bleh?!

Captain hero! Clara, it's not what you think!

[gibberish]

Get up! Get up right now!

"I am sam reduces penn to a mugging embarrassment,"

Raves mike clark of usa today.

I don't care. Let's go!

Yeeeh...

Go back to your cage right now!

Spanky: well, look who's doing the limp of shame!

You bastard!

Captain hero: clara totally overreacted.

I mean, bleh was an adult,

And completely capable of making her own decisions.

Or not.

Still, I needed to sit clara down and explain what happened.

Clara, I never expected this to happen.

It's just that I have real feelings for her.

Well...

¶ there she is ¶

¶ she's a girl ¶

If that is the truth--

It is.

Then i'm truly happy for the two of you.

You're a good man, captain hero.

I knew I could trust you.

Here's the antidote.

[gulp]

Well, nice work, captain hero.

Here's the $50 I bet you to have sex with bleh.

[gasps]

Yeeeeeh!

Oh, um, I mean, uh...

Here is the $50 captain hero won off me

Because I bet him he would not have sex

With your special cousin bleh.

But he did, in fact, have sex with her.

Oh, yes, he did. For $50.

Oh, man. Saved it.

Captain hero, I forbid you to see my cousin ever again!

Uhh!

I would have been more pissed at spanky,

But you know, I just won $50!

[cash register bell] ah! Who's your daddy?

Ooh, I like the big one and that one over there

And...Ooh!

Yeah. Hell, yeah! [girls talking and laughing]

Ehhhh.

Ehhhh.

Ehhhh.

Oh, look at poor ling-ling.

We've licked the life out of it.

What should we do?

Poke it harder.

Uhh!

[gasps]

Look at me!

I've become the very thing I hate most.

A guy who pokes things with sticks?

Oh, we've abused ling-ling to the point where the little guy is just numb.

And for what?

To catch a buzz?!

I guess being cool just isn't worth it.

["what you already know" jingle plays]

Come on. We've got to make this right!

Sorry, wooldoor. You stay here

Until all that ling-ling is out of your system.

It's gonna be the hardest thing you've ever done.

Toodles!

[slam]

Aah! I can't take it!

[wacky noises]

Ha ha ha ha ha ha! Wooldoor: I can't take it!

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!

Captain hero: oh, sure, the money helped dull the pain,

But later, you know, when the stores are all closed,

Who do I have to share it with?

Bleh? No. Not anymore. Not anymore.

It just wasn't worth it, spanky!

Bleh, she-- she was special.

What are you-- what are you saying?

Oh, spanky, I love her.

Then go to her.

Xandir: we knew what we had done to ling-ling was wrong.

Hopefully, this was gonna

Make it up to that lovable,

Fortune cookie cat thing.

Ling-ling, there's a special warrior here to see you.

[japanese song playing]

[speaking japanese]

[speaking japanese]

Toot: sure, we have our issues,

But really, this is a house drawn together

With love.

[speaking japanese]

Yah! Uhh!

[slurping]

All right, clara, where is she?!

Hah! You're too late, captain jerko!

She left for the front door well over 2 minutes ago!

You'll never catch her! Never!

Oh. Oh, well.

I guess it wasn't meant to be.

Easy come, easy go.

Well, i'll be seeing you, clara.

Wait! Damn you! I've got to try!

Yahh!

Captain hero: bleh! Wait! I'm coming!

Dude, where are you--uhh!

Watch it, pig!

Go get her, man.

Uhh!

Watch it, hot black girl!

Go get her, man.

[muzak playing]

[blissful sighs and moans]

Oh, come on!

Bleh! Bleh! Bleh! Bleh!

Oh.

Bleh! Bleh, wait!

Listen, I don't know what clara told you,

But I love you.

Yehhhhhhhh.

[splat]

"one of the year's 10 best!"

"delivers in ways you never expected!"

Yes, well, maybe it wouldn't work out.

I mean, we come from different worlds.

I come from planet zebulon

And you come from a mom who drank when she was pregnant.

Well, farewell, my sweet.

Mwah!

Mnnnh deh nnnh.

Yeah! She kissed him!

She kissed him!

Ha ha! Ha ha!

Bleh, you nailed the dry-mouth from reality tv show!

Well, I guess I owe you that 50 bucks now.

Oh! 50 bucks! Yeah!

[cash register bell] ooh, yeah, who's your daddy?

I like the big one and I like the one over there. Ooh!

Yeah. Hell, yeah! [girls talking and laughing]

Bleh: sam, bye-bye!

Bye-bye, sam!

[choked up] bye.

Good-bye.

You ok, man?

I...Don't know if i'll ever be ok.

Yeah, i'm sorry.

Hey, you want to go grab a beer,

Spin it, and kiss whoever it points to?

No. Not now, spanky. Not now.

How about now?

Yeah. Ok.

¶ girly, girly, girly, girly girl ¶

¶ girl ¶

¶ girly, girly girl-- ¶