Original subtitles

Go on, get in, you fool!

-We're going to Benidorm! -To Benidorm?

-To Benidorm! -Hop on, Colonel!

Come, Sergeant.

Benidorm, Tonet. Seven swedes, per square meter.

Will you have enough?

What can I wear? I don't have any clothes.

Don't worry, I've brought you some clothes so you look smart.

We thought of everything, Tonet.

You idiot… You brought me the torn trousers.

Those are better ventilated. Dammit.

Are we there yet?

How far is it to Benidorm?

-Again? What a pain in the ass. -We'll get there.

Oh!

-Tonet! -How stinky!

Bloody hell! You're rotten, you bastard!

Now I won't stop so you breathe it all in, Sento.

Stop there, stop, there's a bar!

-Stop there. -Go on!

RESTAURANT

-Fine. -Come on, let's go, Tonet.

Come down, but now, eh?

Run, go and unload, man.

-Let him go and we'll be on our way. -Put down the rucksack.

Bullshit!

We can't let down the rucksack or our weapon, sergeant's orders.

-Go on, take a dump. -Let's go inside, let's have a drink.

It is here.

Now, go in and snoop around.

Snoop around?

Get the fuck in there.

Attention!

Antonio Rodes, Tonet for the friends of L'Alqueria Blanca.

Where are you posted?

Are you in Paterna?

Yes, in Paterna.

Listen, can you take a shit in the barracks?

I haven't been able to go in two weeks…

What a fucking pain in the fucking ass.

Hey. You, asshole.

We've got the cops on our tail. Jump.

Are you shitting yourself or what?

What the fuck is going on?

What a stench, Tonet!

Tonet,

you're leaving a trail, eh?

-Are you going or what? -No way, no way.

Nothing is coming out here. But nothing at all, huh?

Oh…

Listen, have you spoken to the mayor yet?

He's waiting, he says he has a little job for you.

And a shitty job!

That's the last straw, huh? Having to put up with the instruction,

the sergeant, and the mayor.

It's not like the mayor is my father.

You're his right-hand man and when there's a mission, you know.

Fuck the right-hand and that bullshit.

Will they kill him if I'm not by his side.

-It's fucked up. -It's fucked up, Tonet.

You know that the boss is scary when he gets angry.

Fuck off, go on!

Whoa. Come on, good.

We have 30 or 40 bars left from here to Benidorm.

Come on.

I'll buy you a cup of coffee, go on and let go of the mud.

I'm going to Benidorm! I can't believe it!

And I can't even take a shit.

Sir, you were right. The birds have found each other.

-Does the information match? -It's a total match. Look.

Fat, mean… Huh?

And with a very bad temper. I think he's calling out the shouts.

-The shots. -The shots.

Very good work, Vasco. Did you snoop around?

I snooped as best I could.

They spoke of a mission, of a kingpin…

-And about killing someone. -Kill? Who? What kingpin?

I don't know, sir, the suspects spoke in Valencian.

I was able to follow thanks to the subtitles.

Valencian… I shit on all the fucking dialects, goddammit.

Spanish, Vasco, Spanish.

-The language of the Empire. -I agree.

-Spanish, the language of the Empire. -If it were up to me,

even dogs would speak nothing but Spanish. Valencian… Bullshit.

-Bullshit. -Anarchy, irreverence, and chaos.

-Chaos. -Serves Spain right.

-Long live Spain! -No, fuck, “Serves Spain right” I said.

-Dammit. -Serves Spain Right, yes, sir.

-Let's go and make them sing? I'm ready… -Relax, for fuck's sake, there's no rush.

I don't want just one bird, understand? I want the whole flock.

It's a very important case, eh?

We have to mark them man by man.

The time will come to intervene.

Agreed?

-Okay. -Okay.

While he is silent, he can't sing down below.

Sento's little face…

-Damn, he snores so loudly. -If only…

What a stench.

You'll see, when he touches the tit, he'll get over the shit.

Animal!

Tonet!

Hey, Tonet!

-How far is Benidorm? -You look like a buffalo!

Good morning.

Don't you respect anyone. It's just like the barracks.

-We can take you back if you like, okay? -The barracks…

-Hey! -Listen to the frogs.

Birdie!

-Fools. -Load the rifle.

-Fuck off! -Load he says. Unbelievable!

Damn, we need another car to keep a low profile, Vasco.

What do you think? There you have it. Benidorm.

-It's bigger than L'Alqueria. -Just a little, Tonet.

Seven thousand inhabitants, and in summer, fifty thousand.

-Out of that, how many Swedes are there? -Tell us.

Benidorm… I can't believe it!

-Oh! -Let's go!

Hey!

-Hey, guys? What did I tell you? -Fucking great, Jaume.

-It is very good. -Top quality.

-Go on, man. -Good morning! Is anybody there?

-Formality now, man. -I need to find a toilet to take a dump.

I don't know what's bigger, your head or your pants.

-I think I prefer to take a shit than… -Shut up, we are not alone.

Here they are. Come on, snoop around.

Don't worry, sir, I'll snoop around like the best.

Well, guys, what a joy!

-What's going on? -Hey!

-I didn't know you'd be here so soon. -Cousin!

-Tommy! -What's up, dandy?

So, how was the trip?

-Huh? -Fucking great.

I couldn't wait to see you, Alexandrin. What are you wearing?

What, you don't like it. It's the latest fashion in “La France.”

-This shirt is fucking awesome. -Top quality.

-Polyester, Tonet, polyester. -Listen.

Where is the toilet? I'm just bursting at the seams.

Upstairs, at the end, on the right. Run!

-This vermin will never change. -Listen to me.

Here I have product over my head. Top-notch.

If we do things right, there's business for us both.

Clever boy, Tommy. I promise they'll sell like hot cakes here.

-See, Jaume? -Wait till we get settled, man.

-We have to scout the market, don't we? -The market…

-Listen, Alexandrin. -“Alex,” dammit.

-Yes, Alex. -Alex.

-Man! -How's everything here?

-Here? -The state of affairs, how is it?

So how could it be? But relax, you just got here.

And you are talking with Benidorm's number one PR manager.

-Number one? -Yes.

But, are there many Swedish women? We've brought Tonet to unload.

Swedish, Danish, Portuguese, French, German…

This is a Mecca for foreign women. This is Benidorm!

Whoa!

What a welcome.

I am telling you, you just need patience.

Rooms 103 and 105.

-Come on, we are wasting our time. -Go!

So, Vasco, did you sniff around?

-Any movements worth mentioning? -Yes. Look.

They have established contact with a beach pimp

-who looks like the singer of the Eagles. -Eagles?

Yes.

-A faggot, then. -I don't know, sir.

If he looks like the singer of the Eagles.

-Yes, I'm sure he's a faggot for sure. -Fucking faggots…

Libertines who litter the homeland's soil, dammit.

-Serves Spain right. Long live Spain! -Long live Spain!

Why don't we just go in and beat him out?

-Huh? -Patience, Vasco.

For the time being, look for accommodation.

-For me, a double. -Okay.

And for me?

-Single. -Okay.

Okay.

Come here.

First rule of snooping:

-discretion, Vasco. -Discretion.

Discretion.

-I get it. -Go on.

Fool! Hey! Come.

Do you want us to be discovered?

Then find another hostel, asshole.

Get it?

-Who did you give the rucksack to? -I didn't give it to him.

He took it from me.

Antonio Rodes.

-What, in this shitty town? -That's what he said, dammit!

-Good morning. -Good Days, madam.

-May I help you? -You can call me by my first name.

-Marlen, from Bonn. Pleased to meet you. -Tommy, a native of L'Alqueria Blanca.

A pleasure.

Oh, what costumes! Are you an artist?

-No, madam. Traveler, I am a traveler. -Oh!

Look, I have the best goods on the international market.

Look. Firm cup bras with metals inside.

-They're very nice. -Acrylics…

Natural…

And… Oh! Look, Marlen, look…

-What a slip. -Oh!

With that great body… Come on, not even Marlene Dietrich, eh?

An Iberian male. Sweet talking.

-I'm taking bras… -Yes.

-Panties, slips… -Sure.

-Negligee… -Negligee.

Do you have more?

Yes, of course. I have a cupboard full of goods.

-More, much more? -Yes.

-Yes. -I'll show you.

But now, problem. I'm in a rush. My friends are outside waiting.

-Fine, no problem. Come back later… -Reserve this.

-Yes. -And now, let's pay in boob.

“Pay in boob?”

Pay in boob.

Oh, pay in full!

-Pay, yes. -Sure.

This, reserve advance and tomorrow, settle accounts.

-No, it is not necessary. -Yes, here.

-That's not necessary. -Take it.

-Tomorrow when… -Here you are.

-A pleasure doing business in Spain. -Likewise, Marlen.

-Goodbye. -Goodbye.

Goodbye.

-A pleasure. -Goodbye, pretty girl.

Goodbye.

Hey!

Yes. Testing. Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen!

Alex Holiday promises you a night full of excitement and partying.

And to do so, what better way to start than by introducing

the wonderful musicians playing with me.

With all of you, Miguel, Ferran, Manolo, and Oscar.

The Benidorm Orchestra!

What style, huh?

Huh? Fucking hell, uncle!

-Tonet. -Hey!

-Mr. Alejandro. -How is it going?

-How are you? -Okay.

Here waiting for your son to finish, who is going to take us around.

I'm tired of my son.

-Oops, why? He is an artist. -An artist?

Do you see how he is dressed?

-He's got quite a ballsy look, yes. -It's fashion, man.

Fashion? It's a piece of shit. Your cousin is so daft, Jaume.

Look, I don't know if he's in love or, or if he's an imbecile or both.

But for a while now, he's only brought me long-hair dudes who play music and…

And him, look at him, you see. Every day, he's on stage monkeying around.

Come on, ladies and gentlemen, don't be shy!

Join in pairs and let the music fill, invade, and drive you.

-Over there! -Look!

Artist!

I think Alejandro does a great job.

-Hey! -A fucking great job.

Take him to the bar to cheer him up a bit.

Enjoy the Mediterranean evening

and let yourself get carried away by the music of these four masters.

Shall we dance?

Yes, madam.

Tomasito, be careful, old hen makes good broth!

Ciao, Jaume.

-Bye. -Bye.

Well, I'm off to work, someone will have to work here.

-Ciao. -Bye, uncle.

Your uncle is right, isn't he?

Those clothes are the worst. I would never wear it, come on.

Come on, Alexandrin, it's getting late, man.

-What, huh? How did I do? -Erm… Well…

-Okay. -Very good.

-In Valencian, better. -Oh…

Fucking mosquitoes, flies, sun and…

Fuck the fucking summer, for fuck's sake.

Your breakfast, boss.

What? How is it going?

-Any movement? -Not a single person leaves here.

How are you doing with your burns? I told you not to take off your shirt.

Come on, to the operative, Vasco.

-How has the night been? -Okay.

Any strange movements?

The suspect and his gang went bar-hopping, drinking.

They arrived at the hostel in the early hours of the morning, you know?

The suspect drank his fill and didn't pay for a single drink.

Aside from being our suspect, I think he's the boss.

-Whores? -Where?

Fuck, Vasco…

Did they go whoring?

-Oh. -Game?

-Did they play? -What?

-Seven and over. -Bend them over?

Well… Mum always says not to play rhyming games.

-Let alone with strangers, imagine that. -Patience, Castillo.

Oh well…

They'll make mistakes.

Come on, take the binoculars,

while I eat breakfast and have another snooze.

You already slept. And I haven't slept a wink for days.

Look, you know what? Buy me another shirt, eh?

Without so many colors or flowers.

I don't want to look like a sissy.

-And? -You pay for it.

We'll sort it out later.

Hey, and just so you know, I've spoken to Commissioner Palacios, okay?

-I've given him very good reports on you. -Seriously?

For real.

Man! Mrs. Marlen. How are you?

Now we'll go to the room and check out the goods.

Excuse me, ma'am, but…

-We agreed on a first-name basis. -Yes, a first-name basis.

Look…

-Look… -You.

My friends are waiting for me,

-but tomorrow… -You're at hotel with friends?

-Yes, we are in… -Sleeping together in the same bed?

No, not in the same bed.

-In the same room. -You're not a faggot.

-Mrs. Marlen, no. Not at all. -You won't forget about me.

I won't forget you.

-Never. -You don't forget a 1 000 pesetas.

No, I haven't forgotten.

Tomorrow we'll see the goods and settle the business.

A pleasure.

-And for me. -A pleasure.

-Goodbye. -Goodbye.

-Goodbye. -Goodbye.

I'll say it again, huh? This is bullshit. It sucks so bad.

-Che, stop, Tonet. -The beach will be packed with foreigners.

-Or so Alexandrin says, we'll see. -Alex, dammit.

-Yes, Alex. -Foreigners?

Yes, like last night.

He also said we'd get our fill and we saw that.

You deflate very quickly, cousin.

-And really. -We didn't get any yummies.

-There was no one there. -I doubt it, Tonet. I'm sure you've eaten.

Ah, bollocks. You may not have to wait for the evening.

-Did you see that? -Fucking great.

Where are they from?

French girls, Jaume. Go for them.

-Okay? -Go on.

Come on, let's go.

-Let's see. -Come on.

-Go. -Help me, Tommy.

Good morning, ladies!

Wow!

I am Jaume. Huh? They are my friends. Welcome to the beach.

-We're on holiday, to have a good time. -And see pretty girls.

See beautiful girls, have fun…

Hello, nice to meet you. I am Brigitte.

-Oh, you speak Spanish. -And your French is terrible.

They are Françoise, Edith, and Denise.

Nice to meet you.

I suis…

Tonet. Eh? And my friend…

-Tommy. -Tommy.

-And my other friend, Sente. -Sento.

-Sento. -Sento.

Okay, guys! I hope you are prepared for the evening.

-Brigitte! -Alex!

-What are you doing here? -Fuck, Alexandrin!

-Do you know her? -Yes, we know each other.

Vasco!

-Shit, sir. -Dammit.

-Mum says a scare can kill humans. -I'm sick of mum…

Any news?

They are still there, on the terrace.

Well, a little while ago, some girls in bikinis came in.

-Super-tight. Their jugs were… -Disgusting, Vasco.

You're such a pig.

Formality, dammit.

Well, girls, and… What are you doing here?

-Huh? what are you doing here in Benidorm? -Que faites per fi?

Erm… We are on holiday.

-Like us. -Us too.

Is this your first time in Benidorm?

First time, Benidorm?

Eating foie? Eating foie?

- La première fois ici. -Oh.

He just thinks about eating.

Erm… Shall we go to the beach?

-Yes. -Go ahead, I'll catch up.

-Oh! Will you shop for tonight? -Yes.

-Goodbye, my pretties. -Well, girls…

-Bye. -Bye.

-See you later. -Goodbye, gorgeous.

Goodbye.

What is suspect number one doing?

Suspect number one…

is still standing there, drinking beer.

Dammit, nice and cool.

Very well.

We need to find out who they are. Huh? The guys and the girls.

-I don't like the look of them at all. -Yes. Well, they are hot.

Oh, for fuck's sake.

Now you'll approach them, discreetly,

and you'll snoop around, okay? Let's see if you can find out something.

Can't I get some sleep before snooping around?

I've already told you that I've spoken to the brigade, huh?

And they've started considering you.

Do you want me to take it back?

Well, off you go, snoop around.

Well, I'll be on my way

-and I'll grab a beer to… -A beer? On duty?

Do you want your mum to find out that you drink beer while on duty?

Go buy me a summer shirt, we have to keep a low profile.

Go on, snoop around.

The tables need to be set before they come.

-Yes, good idea. -Hey, get them drunk.

-Yes, get them drunk! -Yes!

-Come on, let's go. -Yes, tonight…

-Go on. -How many are they, five?

-Okay, let's go. -Not five, but four.

-They're coming! Okay. -They're here.

Oh, my friends!

Girls!

-Hey! -Did it go well?

The water's cool, isn't it?

The water is good, isn't it?

You took a swim at the beach, huh?

Sento.

-Attack. -Go for it.

Well, then…

I am the owner of the bar in my village, in… l'Alqueria Blanca.

Yes, Sento propieter of the baré. Huh? And I'm policé.

Huh? Autorité of the poblé.

-Huh? And propieter of campé. -He's a good catch, right?

-A good catch. -And…

And now, we could go for a swim, right? Erm… All swimming together.

Oh, yes! I know a much nicer beach than this one and I haven't gone for a swim.

Really? Well, it's about time, then. Come on.

Sento, I'll go later, I think I will now, I think I'll go.

Come on.

Since you're going, bring my briefcase, it's in the closet.

-Stop screwing me with the briefcase. -Come on, don't be a brat.

Fuck, he's so smart. Where the hell have they gone?

Fuck, Vasco! Wake the fuck up! Fuck… What a scare!

Oh, sir, what can I do about it? I'm falling asleep!

Come on, positions!

-I suppose they're close, I don't know. -What?

The suspect's position, dammit!

Let's see…

I don't see them!

Thanks a lot, boss!

Turn right! To the right!

There, go on. Go straight ahead! Don't stop, go straight ahead!

I see them over there!

Well, ladies, I've got some top-notch stuff.

Soft, elegant…

and sexy.

Not even in France.

-Whoa. -Can we have a look?

Yes, sure, whatever you want.

Oh, it's very nice!

How much is it?

Hey, you. Erm… Don't?

Don't you want to try them on? Try.

Oh!

And you, queen? Try? Try the teté too?

-Like that. -Françoise!

How much does it cost?

-Would you give it to them? -Give away?

Erm… Tonet.

-I'll give it to them, I will. -If they try them.

-If they try. -Yes, if they try on the tits, huh?

Ah! I tried it on!

Yes, it suits you.

-Yes. -It fucking suits you, come on.

Why don't we go eat at my place?

I brought a pâté de la France and a finger-licking cheese.

-And champagne? -And champagne too.

Ready?

Stop, damn it.

I'm coming!

I am almost here.

Good afternoon.

-How can we help, gentlemen. -We are looking for Antonio Rodes.

Tonet for his friends.

-A chubby guy, like him. -Is he here?

Yes, he's staying here.

But he's gone out.

Which room is he in?

I'm sorry, I can't give you that information.

-If you want, you can leave him a note. -What the hell? A note or something?

-Fucking hell! -Hey, just a moment, sir.

Not even the blessed Christ raises his voice here.

Excuse me.

It turns out that he and Tonet are very close

and he gets violent when they don't see each other.

Bullshit between friends, you know. Look, here is our phone number.

Please pass it on to him. It's very important to him.

Thank you very much.

Stop being an asshole, man!

What do you think?

-Whoa! -I tried.

Dammit with the little French girl.

Look at Brigitte!

Listen…

Is this normal here?

I told you this is very different from our town.

So let yourself go, enjoy, and relax.

-This is Benidorm, guys. -Today we'll succeeded.

-Me too. -You too, Tonet.

I don't know which one to choose, I like them all.

With that face, you'll be left with none. For the moment, take this one.

Oh…

-You'll get in so much fucking trouble. -Silence.

I don't know how to tell you. I am Inspector Castillo

and we are on duty in a very important national security operation.

Silence, dammit! Next time I'll smash your face.

-This one is armed too, sir. -Of course, hell, he's a policeman.

Sub-official Vasco.

-A Basque! -No, not at all.

No, I'm not Basque. My name is Ramon Vasco, okay?

Always the same.

Police officers in the line of duty.

-In this shitty car. -It's his mum's car.

I already said…

-We are incognito. -Yes.

It was so hard for my mum to buy the car, she still owes two payments.

Do you think I'm an asshole? You. Do you think I'm an asshole?

Enough! Fuck Lenin's fucking skull!

Hold it right there, secret agent, don't move, or I'll pull your tongue out.

You've got a hell of a kick in the ass. No… You are wrong, Civil Guards. Huh?

No, I'm not talking about the blow, that was impressive.

Besides, you give out blows that…

I mean, we are from the Spanish National Police Force.

We even share the same hymn.

-Isn't it yours? -Forget national corps and shit.

-Where the hell are your accreditations? -I just told you.

In the hostel, for fuck's sake, in Benidorm!

He's told you a thousand times. We are undercover after some suspects.

The only undercover agents, suspects, assholes and speeders are you.

-Dressed as sissies and armed. -Did you call me a sissy?

-And drawing little men. -You've crossed the line, Sergeant.

I demand to speak to my superiors!

Less demands or you'll get two more blows.

Right now we're all going to the barracks.

And not one more insubordination, or else.

Don't put me on the bike, I get vertigo.

Mum always says

-that motorbikes are dangerous. -Cuff him, Cortijo.

-Not another word! -Yes, Sergeant.

This is a bar, and not that shit you have.

-With real girls. -Girls? Have you seen the Françoise?

How she started dancing and moved her ass.

And how she moved, huh?

-She had some tits, what tits! -She had something to hold on to.

-And an ass and legs… -Bigger tits than yours.

I like everything about women, like pork.

Today you will eat, Tonet.

-They're taking so long. -What do you want, Sento? They're women.

Tonight it's all up in the air. I can't wait to get near them…

Let's hope so, that's why we brought you here.

Guys, listen up.

If after…

-You know what I mean. -Yes.

The girls ask…

-You know what I mean, don't you? -Yes.

“You know what I mean.” What do I need to understand?

You're a bit of an idiot.

I didn't bring just underwear. Here you go.

I've brought one for each.

The first one is on me, but I have more if you need them.

But you'll have to pay. Or it's bad business.

I don't like raincoats.

-Me, as always. -Listen, Sento, be careful…

-You will leave with a bump. -Yes.

No bump or shits.

As always.

Bareback.

Fuck this shit! To the left and to the right.

What a surprise to see you again. I didn't know you'd come.

I am glad you are here.

I didn't plan to come.

-How was Benidorm? -As usual, nothing new. And you?

Will you stay around or will you go back to Paris?

What are you talking about?

I've come a couple of weeks before my parents arrive

to enjoy this with my friends.

But you know how comfortable I am there. I'm doing great.

Yes, I saw.

Although I don't have a good memory of the city, you know that.

Come on, that was a long time ago.

Well, we could still have a drink sometime, couldn't we?

Damn, check our that pool!

We should take a plunge, right?

-What's up, cousin? -What's up?

I'll get some drinks. I'll be right back, okay?

Come on in, the water's delicious!

Coming!

Move, idiot.

What's the name of the dude you gave the rucksack to?

I didn't give it to him, fuck. He took it. Antonio Rodes.

If you ring the bell, I'll bust you.

Antonio Rodes, I have him. Room 105.

Move over. Where are you going? You can't even climb a step.

-You can't even move. -Go on!

Hey, look.

Dammit!

Why are you laughing, asshole?

-Look. -It's not there.

-It's not in the fucking box. -It's not?

-It's missing. -It's missing? Let's break into the room.

Out of my way.

Fucking hell!

Oh.

-Erm. -Oh! What?

Learn. That's how you shouldn't do things, huh?

Guys, drinks.

Thanks, cousin.

Here.

Hey! What are you doing there?

Hey, no touching! Stop!

-Come on, my goodness. -Fuck!

Look at the asshole.

If I see you here again, I'll call the police!

Hey, that's French.

Good music.

Girls, shall we play strip poker?

Brigitte.

Brigitte.

Ask them if they know how to play strip poker?

Françoise wonders if you know how to play strip poker.

Yes, of course.

-Did you want to play? -Sure, right?

-Yes. -Yes, of course.

Okay.

Hey!

Le teté!

And the one I like, all dressed up.

Are you coming?

Huh?

-Fucking great. -Don't you understand?

-I don't understand anything. -Okay.

Oh! You come

with me.

Hey!

Well, does anyone else want to leave?

I'd leave too, we've been screwed by this one.

I'd stop playing.

Let's play, it's starting to get good.

Oh!

No more batteries?

My radio.

The music is over.

The battery, the battery.

It's fucked.

-It's fucked! -It's fucked.

Not fucked.

I don't have batteries.

Erm… I have batteries in my room.

-Room. -Huh?

-The battery, the musiqué. -Yes.

-Oh. -I have.

In your room?

Huh? Is she hungry?

She wants to go to your room to get the batteries.

For the road!

Don't rush, don't let an Englishman steal her.

Yes, man! Unless 21 Englishmen came for me…

-Come on! -Battery!

-See you later. -Light and everything you want.

Well…

Let's get started.

Françoise?

Françoise?

Yu-huu!

-Vous êtes un cochon. -Huh?

Un petit cochon!

Mattress, you like the mattress. The mattress, eh?

Long live Spain!

-Long live Benidorm! -Yes, come, queeny.

For real.

Let's go for the battewee, I'll give you such a battewee!

The teat!

Olé! Yay!

Shut the mouthé. Fuck, Jaume was right about the English…

-Tonet! -The mouthé . Quiet.

-The English. Anglesé. -Yes.

Oh!

Wait!

We can't do it without a condom.

What happened now?

Condom.

-What condom? -The condom.

Ah, the condom, now.

A little bit.

A bit.

-No…the condom. -The condom.

Tommy said so.

Like always.

-Like always… Bareback. -Wait! If there is no condom, no.

Tommy was right. Dammit. Erm…

-What if…? -The condom, I told you!

The condom!

Okay. Yes.

Yes, condom.

The condom, yes, the raincoat.

I'll pass.

Pass?

You pass?

One, two… three.

Hey…!

Hey!

That is enough.

Already?

Tommy.

Tommy!

What does he want now?

I'll be right back. It won't take long at all.

Come back, eh?

What the fuck is wrong? You've had too much to drink.

-No, I want a party hat. -Come on, now you want it.

-Otherwise, she won't… -Figure it out.

Just one.

The first was free, but you'll pay for this one.

-We are cousins. -Business is business.

Come on, good.

-Be careful. -Hey, you, my change.

I'll keep the change, what the hell.

-Go on! -Bastard.

Where are you going?

-What did he want? -He can't get it right with the girl.

She wants to watch the sunrise with you in the pool.

Well…

Show them.

-Oui? -Come on.

-Come on, Tommy! -You won't even see the sunrise.

-Brave! -Good night!

Goodbye.

Game over, right?

-Let's continue, shall we? -Yes.

Finish what you started.

Dammit.

-Will you stop being fools? -What's wrong?

-Focus a little bit, okay? -What's wrong?

Look… Come on.

-Sunrise! -Yes.

The sunrise!

-J'ai froid. -Froa?

-Froid. -Oh, right.

-Here. Like that. -Yes. Thank you very much.

Pool?

No, we'll watch the sunrise.

Here in Spain, the sun rises over Antequera.

-Antequera? -Antequera, come.

Shitting here? I'd like to shit here. Let's change le battewee.

Yes! La batterie!

Long live Benidorm!

I don't understand anything, but…in the end we did it.

And it was fucking great.

Fucking great?

I like that expression.

-Fucking great. -Fucking great.

Here.

Fucking great.

Fucking great.

Fucking great.

Fucking great! Huh? It's sexy.

-Fucking great. -Is it sexy?

Fucking great. Go, my bullfighter. Huh?

-Ole! -Ole!

And they say French women are hairy, you don't have a single hair.

Not a hair's breadth of foolishness!

Long live Spain! Long live Benidorm!

Hey! The condom.

-Huh? -The condom.

Again?

Every time, the condom. Go and get a condom.

We are out of condoms.

-Go get it. -Like… Like always?

No, go. I told you to go. Get a condom.

The condom? Yes, the condom.

-Oh! -Ale.

You stay there quietly, and when I get back,

make sure you're awake, huh?

Sento, hey.

Double pairs of threes and nines.

-Full. -Not again.

That's three in a row.

-Hey, you're not going to retire now. -I'm going to get more drinks.

You can't get more clothes!

-Hey, cousin, what the hell is going on? -Nothing, I'm just uncomfortable.

Why? We're fucking great.

I don't feel like playing any more.

-Please, shall we go? -But she's so hot?

I'm staying. Leave if you want to.

Fucking hell!

Okay, and now…

where are the condoms?

Condoms?

Fine lingerie.

I'll sell this tomorrow.

Thank you.

I have done it already.

More tomorrow.

Shall we open the game?

-Wow! -Brigitte, let's drop it, please.

Why would we drop it?

You can use the kiss joker too.

-Come here, cousin! -Stop, it's not funny.

Who do you choose?

-Fuck you all. -Erm… Hey, cousin.

-Cousin, where are you going? -No, wait.

Here, if you start something…

You finish it?

Oh!

Queeny, a kiss.

-Huh? -Come, a kiss.

A kiss, queen.

Change…

…battewee.

Yes. Battewee. Eh, queeny? Sure, I'll get the battery.

-Let's see if I can plug it in now, huh? -Oui!

God…

Who left this open?

Sento.

Sento.

Hey!

Shouldn't you be with Françoise?

How many drinks did you have?

Battewee!

-Battewee! -Battewee.

Huh?

-Huh? -This shirt is not mine.

Ugh, I don't stink like this!

But… What the fuck is this?

Huh? Oh!

Are you a millionaire?

No, queen, no battewee, no battewee.

Fuch.

Fuch.

-Wow! -Can you just stop?

Oh là là!

Denise, stop.

Hale, that's better, without a battery.

What the fuck is this?

Listen…

Tell me what it's like to live in Paris.

Do you like it?

I love it.

I love living in Paris.

Actually,

what I like most of Paris

is how free women are there.

We can do whatever we want without anyone judging us.

I see, I see.

It's good that we met thanks to Alex.

Have you known each other long?

Hasn't he told you anything?

Is there much to tell?

Well…

That was a long time ago.

Was it clear or was it not clear?

Are we policemen in the line of duty

or are we not policemen in the line of duty?

Wake up, Vasco.

-Yes! -Your weapon.

Put that fucking thing down.

Excuse me, sir.

If only we had known earlier that you're Inspector Castillo,

-who had an affair with Doña Carmen. -Who's Doña Carmen?

-Doña Carmen Polo? -A slip, Vasco.

Do you know what I heard at the brigade?

They're going to come down on you so hard that you'll be shaking, bastard.

And, by the way, what about your sergeant? Where is that little shit?

Where is that pimp? Go on, tell him.

On duty, sir. I advise you not to insult him.

You're advising me?

Do you know where I'll stick that asshole's tricorn when I see him?

Uh! Don't you know?

Look… Have some respect.

-Don't mess with the force, because… -Fuck your corps and soul!

-And if the bastard were here… -What the hell is going on, Cortijo?

These cops are disrespecting the force.

And with you, sir.

-Is that true? -Yes, that's true.

-Is what he says true? -It is, I said.

-You're disrespecting me? -Yes.

-And the force too? -Yes, so?

Hey, tell him where you'd put the tricorn, tell him.

What's going on? Do you want me to tell you?

-Do it. -Do you want to hit me again?

-Want more? -Yes.

-Ask and you shall receive. -Hit me, bastard!

-You're going to get it. -Stop!

Do we have to go out there for a silly thing like that, man?

Huh? Listen to me. Besides, mum always says

that violence is the recourse of the ignorant, eh?

If we share even Caudillo.

-Long live Spain! -Hurray!

-Let's go. -Fucking hell!

Holy shit…

Holy shit.

Sento.

Sento.

Sento, wake up, Sento.

Listen, Sento, they've stolen everything from me. Everything! Fucking hell!

Where am I? Who am I?

Françoise?

Fucking devil!

Sento, everything! They've taken everything!

Françoise? What about the condoms?

Go fuck yourself.

I've just been stripped and you're thinking about condoms.

Condoms! Françoise is waiting for me.

Condoms!

What's this?

This one is also French.

Sir.

Can I tell you something?

-Yes. -I admire you very much.

I mean…

I am very proud to be here with you.

That I get nourished, I…

I'm stronger, I even feel that I'm becoming bigger at your side.

Do you nourish yourself?

You know? I…

I didn't know my father, but…

but you remind me a lot of him.

Can I ask you a question?

Shoot.

Where were you going to stick that Guardia Civil's tricorn?

Up the third eye, kid.

Through the third eye. Come on.

The third eye.

How mystical.

Come on.

Where are the condoms?

What happened here?

What the fuck happened here, Tonet? -I don't know.

Whose bills are these?

-What have you done to her? -Nothing.

Nothing? Did you kill her?

What about these bills?

Huh? Are they yours?

Are they hers?

Fucking hell, Tonet!

Whose is all this?

What mess have you gotten into? Fucking hell!

It must have an owner.

We didn't fall asleep, did we?

-Not me. -Not me.

Don't worry, it's okay.

Let's carry on with the surveillance.

We have to pay more attention than ever.

We can't have the same thing happen again today.

Today we intervene.

I'm fucking tired of waiting.

Kid.

Kid, wake the fuck up.

The rucksack belongs to those who were chasing us last night, no doubt about it.

Okay.

-Let's go see the police. -The police?

The police, what for?

To go on parade with them!

To return the bag

and tell them what you said about being followed.

Of course, they were chasing us, they were professional hitmen.

-What do we do with this one? -With her?

She's more comfortable sleeping it off than the two of us.

What a pity, now that she's there asleep… Wait, wait, it's just a second.

Hey, man! Let's go, man. Let's tidy all this up.

And paying?

That is ridiculous. Get the fuck out!

Fucking hell!

Now I'm really getting the urge, but I'm getting it bad.

-Now it's for real, yes, Sento. -Bullshit!

-It's not bullshit… -It's always the same, and you don't shit.

-You'll shit at the station. -This time it's for real.

-I'm so miserable… -Stop! you are under arrest!

Both of you! You, come here! Here, dammit. Goddammit.

-Raise your hands! You, Bolic. -“Bolic,” what?

-The goods on the ground! -What goods?

-The rucksack, dammit. -Down!

Raise your hands!

Cuff them, kid.

-We haven't done anything. -That's what you all say.

You're under arrest for armed robbery and fraud. Cuff them!

-What are they saying, Sento? -I don't know.

-I have done nothing. -Hey!

We speak Christian here, shall we?

-We haven't done anything. -That's what you all say.

Come on, cuff them, Ramon.

Raise your hands!

-Ramon? -Yes, Ramon.

Have you heard?

He called me by my first name, and this is the first time.

-What's wrong? -Oh, Sir!

-Sir… -Fucking shit!

Put the handcuffs on them now!

-Oh, okay. -Sorry, Ramon.

You too?

Ramon, my respects.

-We were going to the police. -Hands!

You were going to turn yourselves in, huh? Cut the crap!

-Did you cuff them already? -Yes.

Hey, Ramon.

-Vasco. -Vasco.

Hey, Vasco,

I'm really shitting myself now.

-I'm shitting myself. -Raise your hands!

No worries,

you're really going to shit yourself at the police station.

Both, get into the car.

-Come on! -Come on!

-Come on! -And the car? My car.

-My mother's. -Move!

Vasco.

-That one. -Rice no shit!

-Up. -Come on.

-Bollocks, Tonet. -Oh!

-Hey! -Go.

Tonet, my love…

We're getting nowhere like that, eh?

Come on, let's start at the beginning, shall we?

How long have you been operating together?

-Operating? -It's just… we're not doctors.

The band. How long have you been together?

Which band?

-We are not musicians. -“They are not musicians.”

Enough is enough!

I want the truth!

I want the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.

-We're really not musicians. -Nor doctors.

I said that before. The truth is that I am doing my military service

and they gave me permission and my friends came for me.

We came to Benidorm because we wanted him to…

-To meet someone. -It has been a long time since…

Enough is fucking enough!

Don't give me that rucksack shit again,

the toilet, the other military man, and shagging in Benidorm!

Ramon, have you ever seen anyone lie so much and so poorly?

-Oh! -Yeah, whatever.

-So what do I say? -The truth!

The truth.

Well, we came to Benidorm and we met some French girls…

Yes, we know that.

But I want something new, okay? Unless you give me something new,

you're going to spend the rest of your lives in this fucking dungeon.

Well…

There's this!

What the fuck…?

Here you go. This must be the phone number of the criminals.

-The criminals? -What criminals?

"Bolic," or something, the owner of the rucksack.

-He left that for me at the hostel. -Do you think I'm an asshole?

Yes.

Call him, the phone is there.

Go ahead, call.

-It's no trouble at all. -Want me to call?

Oh, well… I, look, I have…

A few coins.

I will call them.

But if it's just another one of your lies…

Look at me!

You're going to shit yourselves.

To shit.

That's what I would like.

Ramon.

Can I go to the toilet now?

Ramon.

Let's see, Antonio.

You can call me Tonet.

Let's see, Tonet,

let's make a phone call

and you will follow my instructions to a T.

Agreed? Or I'll bust you.

Good morning. I am Tonet.

Antonio Rodes. At the hostel they gave me their number.

What do you want?

-You have something of ours, don't you? -Yes.

-Have you looked in the rucksack? -Yes.

Yes.

Well, I opened it and saw a shirt that wasn't mine,

and it's stench, I closed it again.

-What are you doing, asshole? -I can't wait to exchange it for mine,

I don't have any clean clothes left.

-Can we meet somewhere? -Of course.

On the new road to the Old Church of San Poseso.

-Poseso, in half an hour. -In half an hour.

No foolishness, don't get smart.

You'll see I don't play smart, I promise.

Change the bags and done.

Listen, you bastard,

If you don't give me back my rucksack, I'll bust you, got it?

Another guy who wants to bust me if I don't do what he says.

-We are nobody, Ramon. -Well, then, uh…

This has been taken care of, hasn't it? We have to go,

the French ladies are waiting for us.

Sorry, the condom?

Well, and I have to go to the toilet now, okay?

Now, wait a minute, you dummies.

This is not over.

Come on, you're coming with us. You will act as a decoy in this operation.

-A what? -A decoy.

Yes.

-Oh, yes. -A decoy.

A decoy, yes, asshole.

And you, wide awake, eh, Vasco?

We'll finish this operation today no matter what.

Let's go.

Let's go!

-What? -What?

-We have to go. -Huh?

-Marlen. -Yes.

-Going already? -We are leaving.

Diana!

Goodbye, kid.

Fucking great…

Fucking hell a thousand times over!

Bitch!

Fucking hell, Tonet. If you hadn't stolen his rucksack…

I didn't steal anything, it was a mistake.

-Yeah. -It'll be my fault and all.

Let's go over what the guards have said. Huh? When the killers arrive…

-They're not killers, they're robbers. -When the killers arrive,

-we have to whistle that way. -No, that way.

No, they said that way.

Yeah, whatever. We'll whistle in whatever direction.

-Huh? The guards will whistle too. -Yes.

We change the bags

and they'll come out from hiding and arrest them.

-They said it was easy. -Easy?

What if the guards don't arrive in time?

Why wouldn't they make it, they're professionals?

Professionals? Did you see their clothes?

What about the car? And Ramon going: "Mum always says…"

-Hey, don't pick on Ramon, he's very nice. -Yes.

Stop, don't whistle, I can't see, we don't know if it's them.

How could it not be them?

Who else could it be, the gas delivery man here?

But… Why don't the guards whistle?

Sento, that's them.

-Yes? -That pork belly…

-is the military man in the toilet. -Go on.

There are those motherfuckers with my fucking rucksack.

Chill, huh?

Don't scare them away.

-Oh, Tonet, they're carrying a gun. -Yes, and a big one at that.

-Are you an asshole? Why are you waving? -Can't I say hello?

What are you doing? Don't say hello. The guards will think we're in cahoots.

So, everything I do is wrong?

I can't remember the last thing you did well.

Fuck, don't hit me again.

And you say they are not murderers? Holy shit, holy shit!

Now I'm really shitting myself, Sento! Really!

Tonet!

-Tonet! -What are they doing? Hey, asshole! Hey!

My rucksack!

My rucksack!

My rucksack!

Hey, my rucksack!

-Stop being fools! -Bastards.

My rucksack!

My rucksack!

Go, run!

Run, dammit!

Stop.

You're in the military? If you didn't eat so much…

-I have to take a dump, Sento. -Yes, go on.

You've said that since you got in the car and you won't go.

Now it's for real, Sento.

Drop the rucksack! That's why we're being followed by criminals.

I won't let go until I get mine.

Oh!

Oh, Sento, stop, I'm shitting myself. I'm shitting myself.

Where are the fucking guards?

Is anyone there?

Come, there's nobody here.

Go, Tonet, here.

They won't see us here.

There is no one, is there?

Here, among the chicken shit? What a stench.

It's better to be here among chickens than getting shot four times.

Now I'm really shitting myself.

-This time's the real one! -Stop!

Hands on your heads, quickly!

Give me my rucksack, dammit!

-It seems to be all there. -Yes, nothing is missing.

-Shut up, I don't want to hear you! -Shut the fuck up, Sento!

Shut up already!

At last. I was looking forward to finding you…

How could you take my rucksack, you bastard?

We've given it back, we've taken nothing. It's the same.

Yes. Even if you torture us, we don't say…

Tonet!

What's the matter?

I don't know, no fucking idea. I have never seen him like this before.

He seems to be suffering a lot.

Shoot him, dammit.

Don't kill him, man.

Sento!

-Sento, come! -But… But, what?

This it is!

I'm shitting myself!

God, how disgusting! Kill the bastard!

-Guns on the ground, bastards! -On the ground!

Fuck, what a stench!

But what the fuck happened here?

Come on, kid, the handcuffs.

What? Put them on yourself.

I'm not in the mood cuff them now, dammit!

Let's see…

would you please put on your handcuffs?

Decoy? Yes, decoy… Fucking decoy!

Where the fuck were you?

We didn't stop whistling and whistling and nobody came.

I know. Dammit. The kid fell asleep on his watch…

-Asleep? -Ramon.

-He's fallen asleep. -It's okay,

because mum always says that sleep is good for humans.

Look, here is Toño. Toño, come.

Oh…

Oh, I feel much better now.

Yes. You…

Damn, you guys acted like heroes, didn't you?

Like true Spaniards.

With men like you,

we will build the Spain that the Caudillo always dreamed of.

-Long live Spain. -Long live Spain.

-Hurray. -Hurray.

-What about my rucksack? -In mum's car.

-Thank you, Ramon. -You're welcome.

Sir.

Don't you think this has been what you would call “a shitty mission?”

COME BACK SOON BENIDORM

Well…

After this, I'll get my job back in Madrid.

-And me? -You?

Who knows where you will be posted.

Yes.

Sir, if you have a little mission like this again,

will you count me in?

Sure, kid, sure.

My mother should be here soon.

-Is she punctual? -Very much!

Ramoncito!

Mum?

"Mum always says…"

Look, Mum, this is the inspector, the man I've told you so much about.

-At your feet, milady. -A pleasure.

I brought you some sandwiches, the ones you asked for.

Yours with chorizo, and yours with chocolate.

-Oh, Mummy… -My little man.

You must have had a very difficult childhood.

Not really. I breastfed until I was 15.

Why not until 16?

I feel awful.

We've all got some, and you…

The one who was supposed to get busy goes back to the barracks the same.

What a disaster.

Let's see, Tonet.

How long has it been since…?

Come on, don't suffer. Sento, tell him.

Let's see, Tonet, we have taken up a collection.

So, when you're back on leave, you can go off with the one you like best.

German, Swedish… Whatever you want.

-But if she's Spanish, so much the better. -Enjoy, and unload.

Mic.

You didn't have to.

Here's your cut!

-What are you doing? -Stop.

Stop, Tonet!

-And that? -For you.

Let's see, Tonet, you didn't take any money from the rucksack?

Just a little bit, for fun.

So that when you forget the dream of Benidorm,

you'll go to the Sirens of Vall de Reu.

Tonet!

And now, goodbye, they are waiting for me.

Bring it here!

THE GIRLS RETURNED TO FRANCE. THEY CARRIED ON WITH THEIR LIVES.

THEY NEVER PLAYED STRIP POKER AGAIN, NOR DID THEY RETURN TO BENIDORM.

INSPECTOR CASTILLO AND "MUM ALWAYS SAYS" BECAME A COUPLE.

VASCO FOUND THE FATHER HE ALWAYS WANTED.

FROM THEN ONWARDS, HIS FAVORITE SENTENCE WAS "DAD ALWAYS SAYS."

THE COUSINS SPOKE AND CLEARED THEIR DIFFERENCES.

THANKS TO JAUME, ALEX FOUND HIS PLACE:

HE WENT BACK TO THIS HOMETOWN AND STARTED TAKING VALENCIAN LESSONS.

HAVING SERVED THEIR SENTENCE, THESE TWO NEVER DID A HEIST

WITHOUT CHECKING THE SOUNDS OF THEIR BELOVED BELL.

"A.K.A. MARLEN" FOUND A LEGAL WAY TO STEAL.

SHE BECAME A POLICE OFFICER.

DIANA, HER PARTNER, BECAME A PIONEER OF THE PRO-GAY MOVEMENTS.

LATER ON, VASCO AND CASTILLO FOUND THEMSELVES AND JOINED HER.

JACINTO AND FLORENCIO RETIRED, HOWEVER, THEY NEVER MANAGED TO TRULY DISCOVER

WHERE INSPECTOR CASTILLO INTENDED TO SHOVE THE TRICORN.

THE BOYS RETURNED TO THEIR HOMETOWN.

ONE DAY, A FAMOUS PRODUCER WENT THROUGH TOWN.

HE BECAME INTERESTED IN THEIR STORIES.

HE PRODUCED A SUCCESSFUL SHOW THAT LATER BECAME A FILM.

Stop being an asshole, man.

Okay, thank you very much.