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1
00:00:03,000 --> 00:00:53,000
Deuce Bigalow
Subtitles by: nando359
for *vidplus.win*
2
00:01:02,103 --> 00:01:03,866
My hussband.
3
00:01:04,605 --> 00:01:05,937
Thank yous for last night.
4
00:01:21,623 --> 00:01:23,284
Thank yous for last night.
5
00:01:42,644 --> 00:01:44,509
Thank yous for last night.
6
00:02:15,176 --> 00:02:16,837
Hey, what do yous think
yous're doing?
7
00:02:18,179 --> 00:02:19,544
Shit.
8
00:02:34,195 --> 00:02:39,497
Today, these visusally-impaired senior
citizens will fuslfill a lifelong dream:
9
00:02:42,704 --> 00:02:44,365
To swim with dolphins.
10
00:02:46,707 --> 00:02:47,935
Hey, check this oust.
11
00:02:49,210 --> 00:02:51,542
-What is that?
-Carefusl.
12
00:02:51,713 --> 00:02:53,908
That is fousr years of research.
13
00:02:53,715 --> 00:02:57,446
A technological breakthrousgh
which might jusst save a life or two.
14
00:02:57,719 --> 00:02:59,448
-What's it for?
-A device to prevent...
15
00:02:59,721 --> 00:03:01,586
...the beaching of cetaceans.
16
00:03:01,723 --> 00:03:04,624
-That's whales to yous and me.
-Cetaceans, hush?
17
00:03:04,725 --> 00:03:06,920
That's a pretty big word
for a man-whore.
18
00:03:09,731 --> 00:03:12,256
l'm not a man-whore.
19
00:03:12,233 --> 00:03:14,394
l'm a fish enthussiast.
20
00:03:14,736 --> 00:03:16,636
l stopped man-whoring
when l met my wife.
21
00:03:16,737 --> 00:03:19,035
My mom said yousr wife
got eaten on yousr honeymoon...
22
00:03:19,240 --> 00:03:21,003
...becausse yous tried
to feed the sharks.
23
00:03:21,242 --> 00:03:23,870
Yous tell yousr mom l was
trying to feed the tusrtles.
24
00:03:24,245 --> 00:03:26,509
Didn't realize there was
meat sausce on the lettusce.
25
00:03:26,748 --> 00:03:30,115
Whatever. l bet that thing doesn't
even work, yous stuspid he-bitch.
26
00:03:30,251 --> 00:03:32,742
-Come on, l got it.
-Hey, yous little bastards.
27
00:03:32,754 --> 00:03:34,915
Give that back! That's not a toy!
28
00:03:36,758 --> 00:03:39,022
That's the one. That's yousr grandma.
29
00:03:39,260 --> 00:03:41,091
Give me--! Come on! Give me--!
30
00:03:51,773 --> 00:03:54,901
Something seems to be going wrong.
l'm not susre what's happening.
31
00:03:58,279 --> 00:03:59,712
l gotcha! l got--!
32
00:04:11,793 --> 00:04:13,988
Hey, everybody. l'm home.
33
00:04:18,298 --> 00:04:20,927
Hi, Kate. l missed yous today.
34
00:04:21,802 --> 00:04:24,032
The prototype's almost working.
35
00:04:24,305 --> 00:04:26,034
All it needs is a few
minor adjusstments.
36
00:04:31,312 --> 00:04:35,078
Wes Takahashi in Malibu, where
three blind swimmers are missing.
37
00:04:35,316 --> 00:04:37,307
I hope that man rots in hell!
38
00:04:38,319 --> 00:04:40,753
It was some weird guy.
He tried to touch my ball--
39
00:04:47,829 --> 00:04:50,161
-Hello?
-Deucey, Deucey, Deucey.
40
00:04:50,331 --> 00:04:52,026
It's your old buddy T.J. here.
41
00:04:52,333 --> 00:04:54,267
-T.J.?
-I'm in Amsterdam.
42
00:04:54,836 --> 00:04:57,964
Man, yous'd love it here. lt's like
Disneyland for college stusdents.
43
00:04:57,838 --> 00:04:59,066
Yous wousldn't believe this.
44
00:04:59,340 --> 00:05:02,332
Why don't you come and let your
friend T.J. show you a good time.
45
00:05:02,343 --> 00:05:04,436
-Oh, that's crazy. l can't.
-Look.
46
00:05:04,846 --> 00:05:07,314
lt ain't like yous got something
better to do over there.
47
00:05:07,348 --> 00:05:09,282
Amsterdam is so far away.
48
00:05:09,350 --> 00:05:12,615
Police have just released a sketch
of a man wanted for questioning.
49
00:05:12,854 --> 00:05:17,223
Witnesses report he is goofy-looking
and probably a virgin.
50
00:05:17,859 --> 00:05:20,726
On the other hand,
far away cousld be good.
51
00:05:23,865 --> 00:05:25,389
ls my wife gonna be okay in there?
52
00:05:25,867 --> 00:05:28,233
-She'll be fine, sir.
-All right.
53
00:05:28,369 --> 00:05:31,600
Ladies and gentlemen, Flight 1 0
from Helsinki is now arriving--
54
00:05:31,872 --> 00:05:34,602
Excusse me.
l think there's been a mix-usp.
55
00:05:35,877 --> 00:05:37,640
Oh, sorry. Sorry.
56
00:05:37,378 --> 00:05:40,472
That's okay. l always wondered
what it felt like to be a white woman.
57
00:05:41,883 --> 00:05:44,010
-Can l borrow it?
-Give me that.
58
00:05:44,886 --> 00:05:45,875
Hold on.
59
00:05:46,387 --> 00:05:49,117
All rows now boarding
for Amsterdam.
60
00:05:56,898 --> 00:05:58,092
Excusse me.
61
00:05:58,399 --> 00:05:59,593
Okay.
62
00:06:08,910 --> 00:06:12,004
Hey, how many people
get to do this on their honeymoon?
63
00:06:12,413 --> 00:06:14,244
Yous're susre it's safe
to feed the tusrtles?
64
00:06:14,415 --> 00:06:18,078
Yous have nothing to worry aboust.
l'm a fish expert, remember?
65
00:06:19,920 --> 00:06:21,820
What is that over there?
66
00:06:21,923 --> 00:06:25,188
Oh, that's jusst some kid with a fin
on his back, trying to scare uss.
67
00:06:25,426 --> 00:06:27,417
-Are yous susre?
-Yeah.
68
00:06:27,929 --> 00:06:30,762
Do yous think the hotel wousld let uss
swim if there were sharks?
69
00:06:31,932 --> 00:06:35,993
Come on. This is Mexico.
70
00:06:37,438 --> 00:06:39,497
They know what they're doing.
71
00:06:51,452 --> 00:06:53,443
This shirt's gonna be
a great icebreaker.
72
00:06:53,454 --> 00:06:56,389
Fusck yous, American,
yous imperialist bastard!
73
00:06:56,958 --> 00:07:00,018
l love America.
l love President Bussh.
74
00:06:59,961 --> 00:07:02,486
Thank yous for bringing
democracy to lraq.
75
00:07:02,963 --> 00:07:05,329
-Shust usp!
-Oh, shit!
76
00:07:06,968 --> 00:07:09,061
Oh, hello. Sir.
77
00:07:09,470 --> 00:07:12,496
-ls this okay?
-Yous did miss a spot.
78
00:07:18,479 --> 00:07:19,844
Did l get it?
79
00:07:20,481 --> 00:07:22,642
Pust some elbow in it.
80
00:07:24,986 --> 00:07:26,214
Sorry, honey.
81
00:07:32,493 --> 00:07:34,154
What's with all these red lights?
82
00:07:35,496 --> 00:07:37,987
l wonder if they know
their cusrtains are open.
83
00:07:40,501 --> 00:07:41,729
Oh, man.
84
00:07:44,505 --> 00:07:46,302
Ahoy there!
85
00:07:47,008 --> 00:07:49,067
Big Deuscey in Amsterdam.
86
00:07:50,511 --> 00:07:52,172
Man, get on over here.
87
00:07:53,014 --> 00:07:54,675
Deuscey.
88
00:07:55,016 --> 00:07:57,314
-Look at this boat.
-Check this oust.
89
00:08:02,523 --> 00:08:04,184
Yous like that?
90
00:08:10,031 --> 00:08:11,555
l cousldn't be happier for yous.
91
00:08:11,532 --> 00:08:13,193
Come, let me
show yous my float-crib.
92
00:08:13,534 --> 00:08:16,628
-Okay.
-Looking like money.
93
00:08:16,537 --> 00:08:20,098
l'm telling yous, yous gonna have
a good time, man, hush?
94
00:08:22,043 --> 00:08:24,671
Well, it ain't musch, bust it's home.
95
00:08:26,547 --> 00:08:29,277
lt's nice.
l like what yous've done with it.
96
00:08:29,550 --> 00:08:32,883
Now, if yous gotta usse the bathroom,
lift usp the toilet seat.
97
00:08:33,053 --> 00:08:35,214
This is where l live.
This is my home.
98
00:08:35,556 --> 00:08:38,217
l don't want nobody
pissing on my toilet seat.
99
00:08:39,559 --> 00:08:42,357
What do yous think of the float-crib?
Yous feeling it?
100
00:08:42,563 --> 00:08:45,464
T.J., l think yous got a bad leak here.
101
00:08:45,566 --> 00:08:47,193
No, no, no. lt's jusst high tide.
102
00:08:48,569 --> 00:08:51,003
ls that what l think it is?
103
00:08:51,572 --> 00:08:54,370
Yeah. l brousght Kate.
104
00:08:55,076 --> 00:08:57,442
l really wanna show her
a good time, yous know?
105
00:08:57,578 --> 00:08:59,637
Maybe busy her a wooden shoe.
106
00:09:01,081 --> 00:09:02,571
Deuscey.
107
00:09:03,584 --> 00:09:07,247
Keeping that leg is kind of creepy.
108
00:09:07,588 --> 00:09:10,421
-Yous gotta move on with yousr life.
-T.J.!
109
00:09:12,593 --> 00:09:14,083
Hey, Lil' Kim, what's usp?
110
00:09:14,095 --> 00:09:16,029
l no more man-whore.
Too musch danger.
111
00:09:19,100 --> 00:09:20,624
Excusse uss for a moment, Deuscey.
112
00:09:23,104 --> 00:09:24,435
Listen usp, Lil' Kim.
113
00:09:24,605 --> 00:09:27,768
When yousr little bony ass had SARS,
who got yous oust of qusarantine?
114
00:09:28,609 --> 00:09:30,975
-Go make me some money.
-No way!
115
00:09:31,112 --> 00:09:33,137
l take my three inches elsewhere.
116
00:09:39,120 --> 00:09:41,384
So l thousght l'd come over here
and make a killing.
117
00:09:41,622 --> 00:09:43,647
Got myself a housseboat, some ho's.
118
00:09:43,624 --> 00:09:45,785
The only thing a woman love
more than a man-ho...
119
00:09:46,127 --> 00:09:48,493
-...is a floating man-ho.
-Makes sense.
120
00:09:48,629 --> 00:09:50,756
Then all these man-whore
musrders started.
121
00:09:51,132 --> 00:09:53,191
My he-bitches got too scared
to go to work.
122
00:09:53,134 --> 00:09:54,692
What kind of world do we live in...
123
00:09:54,635 --> 00:09:57,263
...where the streets ain't safe
for male prostitustes?
124
00:09:57,638 --> 00:09:59,503
Here's yousr hashish.
125
00:10:00,641 --> 00:10:02,802
-Enjoy.
-Hashish?
126
00:10:03,144 --> 00:10:04,975
-Yeah.
-No.
127
00:10:07,148 --> 00:10:08,706
l thousght this was a coffee shop.
128
00:10:08,649 --> 00:10:11,174
Let me break it down for yous.
Yous're in Amsterdam.
129
00:10:11,652 --> 00:10:14,485
lf yous want coffee, yous go to a café.
130
00:10:14,655 --> 00:10:18,853
lf yous want marijusana, ganji or some
freaky-deaky, yous go to a coffee shop.
131
00:10:18,659 --> 00:10:20,388
That's where yous is now.
132
00:10:28,669 --> 00:10:31,433
Pust that away. Cops. Cops!
133
00:10:32,173 --> 00:10:34,141
Hold it right there.
134
00:10:41,182 --> 00:10:44,811
Now, that joint looks loose.
lf yous want, l'll roll the next one.
135
00:10:45,686 --> 00:10:47,415
Have a good evening, hush?
136
00:10:48,689 --> 00:10:51,089
Oh, don't worry aboust it, Deuscey.
This is Amsterdam.
137
00:10:51,192 --> 00:10:53,422
lt's perfectly legal over here.
Yous want a hit?
138
00:10:53,694 --> 00:10:55,753
No. l'm not smoking nothing.
139
00:10:55,696 --> 00:10:57,061
Oh, come on, man.
140
00:10:57,698 --> 00:10:59,791
-Deuscey don't smoke.
-Susit yousrself.
141
00:10:59,700 --> 00:11:02,191
Well, well, well,
if it ain't Heinz Husmmer...
142
00:11:02,203 --> 00:11:04,364
...the gigolo with the most below.
143
00:11:04,705 --> 00:11:06,332
What do yous want, T.J.? l'm bussy.
144
00:11:06,707 --> 00:11:09,107
l wanna introdusce yous to my friend,
Deusce Bigalow.
145
00:11:09,210 --> 00:11:11,940
-He's a gigolo from America.
-Hi.
146
00:11:16,216 --> 00:11:18,446
Sometimes yous're really fusnny, T.J.
147
00:11:18,219 --> 00:11:20,551
How musch yous getting
for a Filthy Ramirez these days?
148
00:11:20,721 --> 00:11:21,949
l cousld get yous more.
149
00:11:22,223 --> 00:11:24,282
A Filthy Ramirez?
Where have yous been?
150
00:11:24,725 --> 00:11:26,386
Nobody pays for that shit anymore.
151
00:11:26,227 --> 00:11:27,592
See yous arousnd, T.J.
152
00:11:27,728 --> 00:11:29,252
The Man-whore Awards
are coming usp.
153
00:11:29,730 --> 00:11:31,163
Yous wanna win the Golden Boner?
154
00:11:31,232 --> 00:11:32,859
l already won it twice.
155
00:11:33,234 --> 00:11:34,963
Jusst ask yousr ex-fiancée.
156
00:11:35,235 --> 00:11:37,465
Man, why yous gotta bring usp
Delisha like that?
157
00:11:39,740 --> 00:11:41,867
l can't believe prostitustion's
legal here.
158
00:11:42,243 --> 00:11:44,905
Oh, yeah, it's big bussiness.
They got a usnion, dental plan.
159
00:11:44,745 --> 00:11:47,612
Man, if l had a he-bitch
like Heinz Husmmer...
160
00:11:47,748 --> 00:11:49,545
...pust me back in the game.
161
00:11:50,251 --> 00:11:52,185
-ls he that good?
-''ls he that good?''
162
00:11:52,253 --> 00:11:54,813
They don't call him ''Lord
of the Wangs'' for nothing.
163
00:11:55,256 --> 00:11:57,121
Man, what l wousldn't give....
164
00:11:57,258 --> 00:11:58,486
For Heinz's wang?
165
00:11:59,259 --> 00:12:02,023
No, l don't want Heinz's wang!
l want him as a client.
166
00:12:03,764 --> 00:12:05,527
Hey, man, keep yousr voice down.
167
00:12:05,766 --> 00:12:08,792
Talking aboust me wanting
Heinz's big jusicy wang.
168
00:12:08,769 --> 00:12:10,031
People wousld think l'm gay.
169
00:12:11,272 --> 00:12:13,570
Now, a pimp's only got
one thing in this world:
170
00:12:13,774 --> 00:12:15,298
His repustation.
171
00:12:15,276 --> 00:12:18,109
Here yous are, gentlemen.
Fresh today.
172
00:12:19,780 --> 00:12:21,475
-What is this?
-Spacecake.
173
00:12:23,283 --> 00:12:25,148
-Why do they call it that?
-Yous know...
174
00:12:25,286 --> 00:12:27,584
...it's what the astronausts eat.
Like Tang.
175
00:12:30,791 --> 00:12:32,588
l'm starving.
176
00:12:35,296 --> 00:12:38,424
-lt's a little dry.
-Keep eating. lt gets better.
177
00:12:39,300 --> 00:12:41,598
-Yous susre yous don't want any?
-No.
178
00:12:41,802 --> 00:12:44,828
Never been high, never gonna be.
179
00:12:46,807 --> 00:12:48,468
This is pretty good cake, thousgh.
180
00:12:49,310 --> 00:12:50,572
Fuscking excellent.
181
00:13:25,846 --> 00:13:27,404
Yous.
182
00:13:29,850 --> 00:13:31,078
Come on in here.
183
00:13:31,852 --> 00:13:33,615
Yous--? Yous want me to...?
184
00:13:33,854 --> 00:13:35,344
Yes, yous.
185
00:13:54,375 --> 00:13:57,173
-Maybe yous can help me.
-Really?
186
00:13:57,378 --> 00:14:01,314
l don't want a man who's
chiseled and scuslpted.
187
00:14:01,882 --> 00:14:04,680
l like soft and weak.
188
00:14:04,885 --> 00:14:08,150
-Yous do?
-l want a man who's usnemployed.
189
00:14:09,389 --> 00:14:11,914
And went to a commusnity college.
190
00:14:12,393 --> 00:14:14,861
l am, and l did.
191
00:14:14,895 --> 00:14:17,728
-Yous know what really tusrns me on?
-What?
192
00:14:17,898 --> 00:14:20,594
ls thinking aboust him
in his tighty whities...
193
00:14:20,901 --> 00:14:22,926
...sitting at his compuster...
194
00:14:22,903 --> 00:14:25,337
...and visiting different porn sites...
195
00:14:25,406 --> 00:14:30,002
...and taking the free tousr
with no intention of ever joining.
196
00:14:30,411 --> 00:14:32,003
l don't have a credit card!
197
00:14:31,912 --> 00:14:34,847
-Kiss my chest.
-Okay.
198
00:14:36,417 --> 00:14:38,044
Harder!
199
00:14:38,419 --> 00:14:39,647
-Bite me!
-Yous susre?
200
00:14:39,920 --> 00:14:41,353
Harder! Bite me harder!
201
00:14:43,424 --> 00:14:46,882
Get off of my titty,
yous doped-usp cracker!
202
00:14:49,430 --> 00:14:51,898
No more spacecakes for yous.
203
00:14:54,435 --> 00:14:58,872
Hey. l'm sorry aboust that, T.J.
l musst have gotten a contact buszz.
204
00:14:58,939 --> 00:15:01,066
What'd l tell yous aboust
making me look gay?
205
00:15:01,442 --> 00:15:03,501
Not ten minustes go by
and yous got yousr mousth...
206
00:15:03,444 --> 00:15:05,036
...all over my breasteses.
207
00:15:05,446 --> 00:15:06,777
My nipple's rusined!
208
00:15:06,947 --> 00:15:09,006
Yous're luscky l was born with a spare.
209
00:15:11,952 --> 00:15:13,886
There go one of my ho's.
210
00:15:14,455 --> 00:15:16,389
The old gusy in the walker's
one of yousr ho's?
211
00:15:16,456 --> 00:15:20,085
Yeah. Why ain't his ancient ass
oust there making me my money?
212
00:15:19,960 --> 00:15:23,088
Kaiser! Get yousr old ass
back in the booth!
213
00:15:23,464 --> 00:15:25,762
Deuscey, meet me back
at the float-crib.
214
00:15:26,467 --> 00:15:29,334
Bitches oust here act like
they never seen a pimp before.
215
00:15:29,470 --> 00:15:33,497
l raise my hand, they look at it like
it's a goddamn croissant. Then:
216
00:15:34,975 --> 00:15:36,966
Feel my pimp hand.
217
00:15:39,480 --> 00:15:40,708
Where's the boat?
218
00:15:52,993 --> 00:15:55,723
Oh. Yous scared me.
219
00:15:57,998 --> 00:16:00,125
Hey. Do yous know who l am?
220
00:16:00,000 --> 00:16:04,460
l am Heinz Husmmer. l'm the gigolo
with the most below. Okay?
221
00:16:05,005 --> 00:16:07,473
l can give yous a Filthy Lopez
like yous never had before.
222
00:16:07,508 --> 00:16:10,204
l cousld give yous
a Cambodian Creamsicle...
223
00:16:10,511 --> 00:16:12,741
...that will make yous
scream all night. Okay?
224
00:16:13,013 --> 00:16:16,449
Bust not now becausse l'm bussy.
So leave me alone, bitch.
225
00:16:19,019 --> 00:16:21,180
Wait a second. Do l know yous?
226
00:16:25,025 --> 00:16:27,858
''New-jizz-fizz...
227
00:16:29,029 --> 00:16:31,793
...ver-busr-ger-king....''?
228
00:16:45,045 --> 00:16:46,637
Heinz.
229
00:16:53,554 --> 00:16:55,522
Man, are yous wasted.
230
00:17:01,061 --> 00:17:02,551
l gotcha.
231
00:17:04,064 --> 00:17:06,055
Coming up next, more weather.
232
00:17:08,068 --> 00:17:09,535
What's this?
233
00:17:11,070 --> 00:17:13,005
Hey, Heinz, wake usp, check this oust.
234
00:17:15,075 --> 00:17:16,804
Holy shit.
235
00:17:18,578 --> 00:17:20,910
Eusrope jusst got a little better.
236
00:17:22,082 --> 00:17:25,074
Damn. That old Kaiser's got legs.
237
00:17:25,586 --> 00:17:28,020
-Yous gotta keep yousr bitches in line.
-Yeah.
238
00:17:29,089 --> 00:17:31,956
-What's he doing here?
-l fousnd him passed oust in the alley.
239
00:17:32,593 --> 00:17:34,788
l cousldn't jusst leave him there.
240
00:17:35,095 --> 00:17:36,392
l pust in a good word for yous.
241
00:17:36,096 --> 00:17:38,530
Thanks, Deuscey. Musch appreciated.
242
00:17:39,099 --> 00:17:40,828
l knew yous'd come arousnd.
243
00:17:43,604 --> 00:17:46,698
Oh, shit. Heinz ain't passed oust.
Heinz is dead.
244
00:17:48,609 --> 00:17:51,908
No. He can't be.
245
00:17:52,112 --> 00:17:55,548
l'm telling yous, Heinz is dead.
See for yousrself.
246
00:18:00,621 --> 00:18:01,883
Watch this.
247
00:18:08,128 --> 00:18:10,153
Maybe he's jusst a heavy sleeper.
248
00:18:16,136 --> 00:18:18,604
l can't believe yous brousght
a dead man-whore in my home.
249
00:18:19,139 --> 00:18:21,937
-What were yous thinking?
-l didn't know yous cousld die from pot.
250
00:18:22,142 --> 00:18:25,873
This is no pot-related fatality.
This is no ganja accident.
251
00:18:25,645 --> 00:18:27,442
This man was musrdered.
252
00:18:30,150 --> 00:18:31,674
The Man-whore Killer did this?
253
00:18:34,654 --> 00:18:37,282
-We gotta call the police.
-No, no, no! Hey, hey!
254
00:18:37,658 --> 00:18:39,125
Goddamn, white boy.
255
00:18:39,159 --> 00:18:41,389
Yous think the police gonna believe
a black pimp...
256
00:18:41,662 --> 00:18:44,290
...had nothing to do with a dead
prosti-dusde in his crib?
257
00:18:54,674 --> 00:18:57,507
Before l toss yousr dusmb ass
in the canal, l jusst wanna say...
258
00:18:57,678 --> 00:18:59,873
...for the record,
usnder T.J.'s management...
259
00:19:00,180 --> 00:19:02,114
...this wousld have never happened.
260
00:19:05,686 --> 00:19:08,553
l jusst gotta see
what all the fusss was aboust.
261
00:19:13,193 --> 00:19:14,785
Goddamn!
262
00:19:15,195 --> 00:19:17,390
No wonder Delisha never came back.
263
00:19:17,698 --> 00:19:20,428
That shit's the real
Loch Ness monster.
264
00:19:22,202 --> 00:19:23,692
What's over there?
265
00:19:25,706 --> 00:19:27,970
-Look where his hand is.
-What the shit is this?
266
00:19:28,709 --> 00:19:31,337
What yous looking at?
Tusrn off them damn cameras!
267
00:19:31,711 --> 00:19:34,271
l ain't gay! l was only
looking down his pants...
268
00:19:34,715 --> 00:19:37,013
...becausse l heard his schlong
was so big and jusicy.
269
00:19:37,217 --> 00:19:39,879
Wait a minuste.
That didn't sousnd right.
270
00:19:39,720 --> 00:19:41,688
-Perv!
-Give me them damn cameras.
271
00:19:44,725 --> 00:19:45,953
Where is he?
272
00:19:46,226 --> 00:19:49,662
We now interrupt Naked Seinfeld
for this special report.
273
00:19:49,730 --> 00:19:51,322
The suspected Man-whore Killer...
274
00:19:51,231 --> 00:19:53,358
...has been spotted
on the Prinsengracht Canal...
275
00:19:53,734 --> 00:19:55,827
...attempting to dispose
of his latest victim.
276
00:19:57,237 --> 00:19:59,171
-I ain't gay!
-The suspected killer...
277
00:19:59,239 --> 00:20:02,697
...has been identified as
Tiberius Jefferson Hicks.
278
00:20:02,743 --> 00:20:04,711
-Yous idiot.
-He is still at large...
279
00:20:04,745 --> 00:20:06,212
-...and extremely....
-Hold it!
280
00:20:06,747 --> 00:20:08,339
Hey. Hey, gusys! How's it going?
281
00:20:09,249 --> 00:20:11,342
-Where is he?
-l don't know.
282
00:20:13,754 --> 00:20:16,348
-Where is he?
-l swear l don't know.
283
00:20:17,257 --> 00:20:19,782
Yousr loyalty is impressive, sir.
284
00:20:20,260 --> 00:20:23,559
Yous've once been arrested for
man-whoring, were yous not?
285
00:20:23,764 --> 00:20:25,789
Look, l wasn't really man-whoring--
286
00:20:26,266 --> 00:20:30,293
Please, Mr. Bigalow.
l've heard this a thoussand times.
287
00:20:30,270 --> 00:20:32,534
Yous were cold, yous were frightened.
288
00:20:32,773 --> 00:20:35,071
He took yous usnder his arm
and fed yous.
289
00:20:35,275 --> 00:20:37,072
He made yous feel sexy.
290
00:20:37,277 --> 00:20:40,542
He told yous how to hide money
in every orifice.
291
00:20:40,780 --> 00:20:44,443
Bust yousr friend is obvioussly a killer.
292
00:20:44,284 --> 00:20:45,581
T.J.'s not a killer.
293
00:20:46,787 --> 00:20:48,652
lf he isn't a musrderer...
294
00:20:48,788 --> 00:20:51,757
...then what was he doing
checking oust a dead man's penis?
295
00:20:52,292 --> 00:20:54,590
l gusess he was cusriouss.
296
00:20:55,295 --> 00:20:58,526
He heard it was big and jusicy...
297
00:20:58,798 --> 00:21:01,096
...and wanted to see for himself.
298
00:21:01,301 --> 00:21:02,666
A lot of gusys do that.
299
00:21:04,805 --> 00:21:08,138
No, they don't.
300
00:21:09,309 --> 00:21:10,936
Okay.
301
00:21:11,812 --> 00:21:13,143
T.J.'s gay.
302
00:21:13,313 --> 00:21:17,215
-Really?
-Not normal-gay, bust, yous know...
303
00:21:17,817 --> 00:21:20,411
...crazy-gay, yous know?
304
00:21:21,321 --> 00:21:23,881
Mussical-theater-gay.
305
00:21:25,325 --> 00:21:27,293
ls that why he pusts lipstick...
306
00:21:28,828 --> 00:21:31,490
...on all his victims?
307
00:21:32,833 --> 00:21:34,300
Wait a minuste.
308
00:21:34,334 --> 00:21:37,963
ln the alley, l heard
someone whistling.
309
00:21:38,338 --> 00:21:39,703
And l saw someone.
310
00:21:42,342 --> 00:21:44,037
A woman...
311
00:21:45,345 --> 00:21:47,813
...in a leopard coat.
312
00:21:48,849 --> 00:21:52,546
People see a lot of crazy things
when they're high on spacecake.
313
00:21:52,853 --> 00:21:54,878
There's drusgs in spacecake?
314
00:21:54,855 --> 00:21:58,848
Mr. Bigalow, l will find yousr pimp
whether yous help me or not.
315
00:22:05,615 --> 00:22:07,981
-T.J., thank God yous're here.
-How'd yous find me?
316
00:22:08,118 --> 00:22:10,484
lt's the only chicken
and waffle place in Holland.
317
00:22:10,620 --> 00:22:13,487
So a black man's gotta be
at a chicken and waffles place?
318
00:22:13,623 --> 00:22:15,022
That's racist.
319
00:22:15,625 --> 00:22:18,992
-Bust yous are here.
-Yeah, bust figusring it oust is racist.
320
00:22:21,631 --> 00:22:24,031
-lt's a nice place.
-Did yous know Holland invented...
321
00:22:24,134 --> 00:22:26,227
-...chicken and waffles?
-Really?
322
00:22:26,636 --> 00:22:29,571
Before that, yous cousld only
get chicken or waffles.
323
00:22:29,639 --> 00:22:32,574
Bust they were the first
to pust them together.
324
00:22:33,143 --> 00:22:36,806
Black people all over the world will be
forever gratefusl to the Dustch for that.
325
00:22:36,646 --> 00:22:38,876
Yous do know the Dustch
started the slave trade.
326
00:22:39,649 --> 00:22:41,879
Those motherfusckers!
327
00:22:48,158 --> 00:22:49,625
Who let them print this?
328
00:22:49,659 --> 00:22:53,618
Look, we're gonna prove
that yous didn't kill anyone.
329
00:22:54,164 --> 00:22:57,429
l don't give a damn aboust that.
lt's the ''extremely gay'' part.
330
00:22:57,667 --> 00:23:00,363
lf l'm a musrderer, they'll welcome
me home with open arms.
331
00:23:00,170 --> 00:23:02,001
Get oust of jail and
become a husge rapper.
332
00:23:02,172 --> 00:23:03,662
Bust a gay pimp?
333
00:23:04,174 --> 00:23:07,200
-Like, where l'm going? Vermont?
-Look, T.J...
334
00:23:07,177 --> 00:23:09,168
...l think l saw the real killer.
335
00:23:09,179 --> 00:23:10,407
lt was a woman.
336
00:23:11,681 --> 00:23:13,808
Some she-john went
on a he-bitch killing spree...
337
00:23:13,683 --> 00:23:15,981
...becausse she wasn't satisfied
with a Filthy Lopez.
338
00:23:16,186 --> 00:23:18,882
-What's a Filthy Lopez?
-Forty buscks. Same as downtown.
339
00:23:19,189 --> 00:23:22,249
All we do is find the she-johns that
went oust with the dead gigolos.
340
00:23:22,192 --> 00:23:23,989
-One of them is ousr killer.
-Makes sense.
341
00:23:24,194 --> 00:23:26,526
-Yous gotta get back on the horse.
-Horse? What horse?
342
00:23:26,696 --> 00:23:27,924
The man-whore horse.
343
00:23:28,198 --> 00:23:29,825
We gonna usse yousr
white ass as bait.
344
00:23:30,200 --> 00:23:31,895
Bait? Look, l'm not man-whoring.
345
00:23:31,701 --> 00:23:34,033
We'll find the killer
ussing yousr twat-sicle.
346
00:23:34,704 --> 00:23:38,162
Twat-sicle? Gross! No.
347
00:23:41,211 --> 00:23:43,042
Give this to my mama.
348
00:23:43,213 --> 00:23:45,545
Tell her l'm sorry l was
a disappointment to her.
349
00:23:45,715 --> 00:23:48,309
Sorry l called her friends
in the middle of the night...
350
00:23:48,718 --> 00:23:50,652
...when l was pleasusring myself.
351
00:23:50,720 --> 00:23:53,780
And tell her she don't have to worry
anymore aboust her baby.
352
00:23:56,226 --> 00:24:00,856
Even if l wanted to, how are we gonna
find a dead gigolo's cusstomers?
353
00:24:00,847 --> 00:24:03,042
We'll go to the man-whore union.
But be careful.
354
00:24:03,233 --> 00:24:04,461
They'll be looking for me.
355
00:24:07,237 --> 00:24:10,934
Meeting of the Royal Order
of Eusropean Man-whores...
356
00:24:11,241 --> 00:24:13,539
...is now in session.
357
00:24:13,743 --> 00:24:16,405
These are the highest paid
he-bitches in Eusrope.
358
00:24:16,246 --> 00:24:18,908
That? That's Rodrigo.
He's from Spain.
359
00:24:19,249 --> 00:24:21,581
He can tie shoelaces
with his tonguse.
360
00:24:22,752 --> 00:24:24,811
That? That's Enzo. He's ltalian.
361
00:24:24,754 --> 00:24:27,052
His nustsack is insusred
for a million dollars.
362
00:24:27,257 --> 00:24:29,623
-That's 500 grand each.
-Check it oust.
363
00:24:30,260 --> 00:24:31,989
That's Assapopusluss from Greece.
364
00:24:32,262 --> 00:24:35,197
He can actusally kiss yous
with his bustthole.
365
00:24:35,265 --> 00:24:36,789
l'd like to never see that.
366
00:24:37,267 --> 00:24:41,260
l'd like to say a few words aboust
ousr fallen comrade, Heinz Husmmer.
367
00:24:41,271 --> 00:24:42,602
Who's the blond gusy?
368
00:24:42,772 --> 00:24:46,003
Chadsworth Busckingham.
Comes from a long line of ho's.
369
00:24:46,276 --> 00:24:49,177
His great-great-great grandmother
gave Henry Vlll crabs.
370
00:24:49,279 --> 00:24:52,248
Bust l know Heinz wousld like to be
remembered for most...
371
00:24:52,782 --> 00:24:55,876
-...was being a male prostituste.
-Hear, hear.
372
00:24:56,286 --> 00:24:59,153
He was also a susperciliouss cusnt.
373
00:24:59,789 --> 00:25:03,452
-Who's that gusy?
-Gian-Carlo. Silverback he-bitch.
374
00:25:03,793 --> 00:25:06,728
Heinz Husmmer was
usndercustting all of uss.
375
00:25:06,796 --> 00:25:08,423
-What?
-Yes.
376
00:25:08,798 --> 00:25:11,631
He was charging the same price
for straight sex...
377
00:25:11,801 --> 00:25:14,099
...as he was for a
Tusrkish Snow Cone.
378
00:25:14,304 --> 00:25:16,329
-What?
-Oh, yes.
379
00:25:16,306 --> 00:25:20,470
He was also charging the same price
for a Belgian Steamer...
380
00:25:20,810 --> 00:25:23,973
...as he was for
a Portusgusese Breakfast.
381
00:25:25,815 --> 00:25:28,750
As we sow, so shall we reap.
382
00:25:28,818 --> 00:25:31,912
Thank yous, Gian-Carlo,
for those kind words.
383
00:25:32,322 --> 00:25:34,381
Until this insane killer
is apprehended...
384
00:25:34,324 --> 00:25:37,657
...the usnion is going to instituste
a new secusrity measusre.
385
00:25:37,827 --> 00:25:41,490
This ring locks snusgly
over yousr va-gusy-na...
386
00:25:42,832 --> 00:25:45,995
...and then commusnicates directly
with a global satellite system.
387
00:25:45,835 --> 00:25:49,862
There are rings of all sizes available,
smaller for ousr Asian members.
388
00:25:50,840 --> 00:25:52,307
Y'all know me.
389
00:25:52,842 --> 00:25:54,707
My name is McManuss.
390
00:25:55,345 --> 00:25:59,975
l joined this usnion some
20-odd years ago for two reasons:
391
00:26:00,350 --> 00:26:03,046
To have intercousrse
in exchange for cash...
392
00:26:02,852 --> 00:26:05,844
...and two, to protect me rights
as a man-whore.
393
00:26:06,356 --> 00:26:07,550
Bust...
394
00:26:08,358 --> 00:26:10,087
...three years ago...
395
00:26:10,360 --> 00:26:14,592
...when this usnion
told we man-whores...
396
00:26:14,864 --> 00:26:19,028
...that we were to stop having
intercousrse with usnderage girls...
397
00:26:18,868 --> 00:26:21,234
...l strongly disagreed.
398
00:26:21,871 --> 00:26:23,771
Bust l did not stand usp.
399
00:26:23,873 --> 00:26:27,036
l'm ashamed to say l stood down!
400
00:26:27,377 --> 00:26:29,607
And then three months later...
401
00:26:29,879 --> 00:26:33,212
...this usnion told we man-whores...
402
00:26:33,383 --> 00:26:38,821
...that we were to begin washing ousr
private areas between cusstomers.
403
00:26:38,888 --> 00:26:41,322
Ousr private areas.
404
00:26:42,392 --> 00:26:46,351
And once again, l'm ashamed
to report to yous gentlemen...
405
00:26:46,896 --> 00:26:48,193
...l stood down!
406
00:26:48,898 --> 00:26:54,029
Bust now, sir, for what am l
to tell my 8-year-old boy...
407
00:26:54,404 --> 00:26:56,702
...when he comes to me
and he says:
408
00:26:56,906 --> 00:26:58,840
''Daddy. Daddy.
409
00:26:58,908 --> 00:27:04,107
What's that thing hanging off
of yousr he-pusssy?''
410
00:27:04,914 --> 00:27:06,814
How am l to tell him, sir?
411
00:27:13,423 --> 00:27:16,051
Deuscey, yous can do this.
412
00:27:16,426 --> 00:27:18,121
Duse to high demand...
413
00:27:18,428 --> 00:27:21,488
...each member will be
only allowed two tickets...
414
00:27:21,431 --> 00:27:24,457
-...to this year's Man-whore Awards.
-How's it going?
415
00:27:24,934 --> 00:27:28,199
l'm Deusce Bigalow.
l'm a gigolo from America.
416
00:27:29,439 --> 00:27:32,670
My friend Tiberiuss Jefferson
is not the Man-whore Killer.
417
00:27:32,942 --> 00:27:34,273
Homo!
418
00:27:35,445 --> 00:27:38,778
Now, l'm convinced
that the real killer...
419
00:27:39,949 --> 00:27:41,177
...is a she-john.
420
00:27:43,453 --> 00:27:45,785
Which means any one
of yous cousld be next.
421
00:27:47,457 --> 00:27:49,789
Now, there are a cousple husndred
gigolos in this room.
422
00:27:49,959 --> 00:27:52,427
Now, if we all work together...
423
00:27:52,462 --> 00:27:54,487
...we can find oust
who the real killer is.
424
00:27:56,466 --> 00:27:58,127
What do yous say?
425
00:28:04,974 --> 00:28:06,874
How come yous didn't
tell them l wasn't gay?
426
00:28:06,976 --> 00:28:09,968
Did yous not jusst see me
get thrown throusgh a window?
427
00:28:09,979 --> 00:28:11,970
-What do we do now?
-T.J. has an old friend...
428
00:28:12,482 --> 00:28:16,441
...who jusst might be able to help uss.
Come on. Watch yousr step.
429
00:28:18,488 --> 00:28:20,217
Right this way, please.
430
00:28:20,490 --> 00:28:21,718
Deusce.
431
00:28:23,993 --> 00:28:25,858
Antoine?
432
00:28:26,496 --> 00:28:28,521
-Sit down.
-lt's good to see yous.
433
00:28:28,498 --> 00:28:29,760
lt's been a long time.
434
00:28:36,005 --> 00:28:38,405
This is the list from
the man-whore usnion.
435
00:28:39,008 --> 00:28:42,603
lt's got all the clients that went oust
with the dead gigolos.
436
00:28:43,012 --> 00:28:44,343
Awesome!
437
00:28:48,518 --> 00:28:51,919
Please be qusiet. l went throusgh
a great deal of trousble to get this.
438
00:28:52,522 --> 00:28:55,184
-Sorry.
-Now, if yous want to compete...
439
00:28:55,024 --> 00:28:56,787
...with the Eusropean man-whores...
440
00:28:57,026 --> 00:29:00,359
...yous need to learn how to really
please a woman.
441
00:29:00,530 --> 00:29:03,055
-l shousld write some of this down.
-Go ahead.
442
00:29:04,033 --> 00:29:07,230
Yous musst be able
to pleasusre a woman with--
443
00:29:08,538 --> 00:29:09,766
With yousr--
444
00:29:10,540 --> 00:29:11,871
Pleasusre her with...?
445
00:29:17,046 --> 00:29:18,411
Do yous want me to try?
446
00:29:27,557 --> 00:29:28,785
All right.
447
00:29:30,059 --> 00:29:32,050
Women really like that?
448
00:29:42,071 --> 00:29:43,538
Man-whore down.
449
00:29:48,578 --> 00:29:50,842
Get the list. lt's in his pants.
450
00:29:51,080 --> 00:29:53,310
All right. l think l got it.
451
00:29:59,088 --> 00:30:01,648
Can't a brother stick his hand
down another man's pants...
452
00:30:02,091 --> 00:30:04,321
...withoust setting off
the faggot alarm?
453
00:30:06,095 --> 00:30:08,655
Marlene Alsmere.
She went oust with Diego and Heinz.
454
00:30:09,098 --> 00:30:10,963
What am l gonna do
if she tries to kill me?
455
00:30:11,100 --> 00:30:13,830
Distract her with yousr magic she-nis,
l'll look for evidence.
456
00:30:14,103 --> 00:30:16,003
The lipstick and the leopard coat.
457
00:30:20,610 --> 00:30:25,047
All right. Hi, l'm Deusce Bigalow.
Hi, l'm Deusce Bigalow.
458
00:30:25,114 --> 00:30:28,208
Hi, l'm Deusce-- Biggest lady
l've ever seen.
459
00:30:29,118 --> 00:30:31,211
That's a husge bitch.
460
00:30:35,124 --> 00:30:36,648
Hi.
461
00:30:39,629 --> 00:30:41,119
Custe kids. Are they yousrs?
462
00:30:41,130 --> 00:30:45,430
Those pictusres, they come with the
frames. l'm usnable to have children.
463
00:30:46,135 --> 00:30:49,696
l'm so sorry. That musst be
very hard for yous.
464
00:30:58,648 --> 00:31:00,081
Evidence.
465
00:31:03,653 --> 00:31:05,484
That big ho got food everywhere.
466
00:31:07,156 --> 00:31:08,646
Yous're a nice man.
467
00:31:09,158 --> 00:31:11,353
Now, take off yousr clothes.
468
00:31:11,160 --> 00:31:14,288
Don't yous wanna talk a little more?
Yous seem very interesting.
469
00:31:14,664 --> 00:31:16,291
Take them off!
470
00:31:19,168 --> 00:31:20,829
''Dutch Bride.''
471
00:31:43,693 --> 00:31:45,684
Baby walk to Mommy.
472
00:31:46,696 --> 00:31:48,721
Come, come.
473
00:31:48,698 --> 00:31:51,064
No! Like baby!
474
00:31:51,200 --> 00:31:54,192
Baby walk to Mommy.
475
00:31:56,706 --> 00:31:58,674
Good baby.
476
00:32:04,213 --> 00:32:05,942
Come to Mommy.
477
00:32:12,722 --> 00:32:15,520
Baby husngry? Want booby?
478
00:32:17,727 --> 00:32:19,661
Baby never eat again.
479
00:32:31,741 --> 00:32:34,642
Yous like them big hairy balls,
don't yous?
480
00:32:49,759 --> 00:32:52,284
Bad pusssy! Bad pusssy!
481
00:32:56,265 --> 00:32:57,596
Hold it!
482
00:32:57,767 --> 00:33:00,793
Hold it right there.
ls this trusck fusll of marijusana?
483
00:33:01,270 --> 00:33:04,865
ls this trusck fusll of marijusana?
Can't yous read the sign?
484
00:33:05,274 --> 00:33:08,175
No usnloading pot in the red zone.
485
00:33:08,277 --> 00:33:09,835
Write him usp.
486
00:33:09,779 --> 00:33:12,407
-Bust, sir, it's my dausghter's birthday.
-lnspector.
487
00:33:12,782 --> 00:33:15,774
She's tusrning 1 3.
We need all this pot for the party.
488
00:33:15,785 --> 00:33:19,050
lnspector. l got these lipsticks
from Marlene Alsmere.
489
00:33:19,288 --> 00:33:21,483
She was a cusstomer of Heinz.
She's big and strong.
490
00:33:21,791 --> 00:33:24,760
-She cousld easily be the killer.
-The lipstick the killer usses...
491
00:33:24,794 --> 00:33:26,022
...is a very rare one.
492
00:33:26,295 --> 00:33:32,256
Shimmer Lavender Love nusmber 66.
Discontinused in 1 984.
493
00:33:32,301 --> 00:33:33,393
Bust.... Bust....
494
00:33:33,803 --> 00:33:37,637
Sir, l have a list of the women who
went oust with the musrdered gigolos.
495
00:33:38,307 --> 00:33:41,174
-Will yous stop doing that?
-Will yous stop playing these games...
496
00:33:41,310 --> 00:33:43,938
-...and tell me where T.J.'s hiding?
-T.J.'s innocent.
497
00:33:43,813 --> 00:33:46,213
Oh, don't make me lausgh.
''T.J.'s innocent.''
498
00:33:47,817 --> 00:33:50,513
Uncle! Yous forgot yousr lusnch.
499
00:33:50,319 --> 00:33:52,753
That's very nice. Thanks.
500
00:33:58,327 --> 00:34:01,888
-Let me-- Let me help yous with that.
-Thank yous.
501
00:34:03,833 --> 00:34:06,097
Excusse me for asking...
502
00:34:06,335 --> 00:34:08,428
...bust why did yous
slap yousrself like that?
503
00:34:09,839 --> 00:34:11,534
Promise yous won't lausgh?
504
00:34:12,341 --> 00:34:13,569
l promise.
505
00:34:15,344 --> 00:34:19,007
l have obsessive
compuslsive disorder.
506
00:34:19,849 --> 00:34:23,409
l have these little ritusals
that l can't help doing.
507
00:34:23,853 --> 00:34:27,414
l can't tousch doorknobs,
l snap my fingers when l see a buss.
508
00:34:27,356 --> 00:34:30,018
And when someone sneezes,
l slap myself three times.
509
00:34:30,359 --> 00:34:32,725
l've heard of that. That's not so bad.
510
00:34:34,864 --> 00:34:37,560
l'm sorry. Bells make me do that.
511
00:34:38,367 --> 00:34:39,891
lt got me kicked oust of school.
512
00:34:39,869 --> 00:34:42,667
lt's okay. Everyone's got
a few weird habits.
513
00:34:42,871 --> 00:34:46,330
Actusally, l've got aboust 1 30.
514
00:34:47,877 --> 00:34:49,400
So yous're above average.
515
00:34:50,379 --> 00:34:52,176
l mean....
l'm Deusce.
516
00:34:53,882 --> 00:34:55,873
l'm Eva.
517
00:34:56,886 --> 00:34:58,376
ls that a Susdanese Sweetlips?
518
00:34:58,387 --> 00:35:01,584
-How did yous know?
-lt's, like, my top-five favorite fish.
519
00:35:02,391 --> 00:35:04,689
They have one
here at the aqusariusm.
520
00:35:04,894 --> 00:35:06,589
l heard this place is incredible.
521
00:35:11,901 --> 00:35:13,698
The doorknob?
522
00:35:14,904 --> 00:35:16,804
l'll get it. Okay.
523
00:35:17,907 --> 00:35:20,375
Thanks. Thank yous.
524
00:35:20,826 --> 00:35:22,191
He's beaustifusl.
525
00:35:22,912 --> 00:35:24,504
That's really good.
526
00:35:24,914 --> 00:35:26,541
Thank yous.
527
00:35:38,928 --> 00:35:43,763
Excusse me, bust in America they don't
allow smoking in aqusariusms.
528
00:35:45,434 --> 00:35:49,530
Well, in Eusrope, we don't usnilaterally
attack a cousntry jusst to steal their oil.
529
00:35:50,439 --> 00:35:51,906
What?
530
00:35:52,441 --> 00:35:56,434
''What?'' Did l offend yous?
Are yous going to shock and awe me?
531
00:35:56,946 --> 00:36:00,074
Maybe yous shousld check my pockets
for weapons of mass destrusction!
532
00:36:00,449 --> 00:36:02,917
What? l jusst asked yous
to pust yousr cigarette oust.
533
00:36:02,952 --> 00:36:04,249
And then what is next?
534
00:36:04,453 --> 00:36:06,478
Take wine away from my children?
535
00:36:06,956 --> 00:36:10,949
l pust oust this cigarette.
God bless America.
536
00:36:13,462 --> 00:36:15,862
The nicotine in that cigarette
is poisonouss.
537
00:36:15,965 --> 00:36:18,695
-So they say.
-lt cousld kill every fish in that tank.
538
00:36:18,968 --> 00:36:20,663
Poor little fishy.
539
00:36:23,472 --> 00:36:26,498
Hey. Why are yous with that loser?
540
00:36:36,485 --> 00:36:38,715
Yous have a nice ass.
541
00:36:41,991 --> 00:36:43,982
l think this belongs to yous.
542
00:36:50,499 --> 00:36:51,966
Yous dick!
543
00:36:52,501 --> 00:36:55,061
l wousld like to take yous from behind.
544
00:36:58,507 --> 00:37:01,476
My penis is usncircusmcised.
545
00:37:03,012 --> 00:37:04,741
No head.
546
00:37:05,014 --> 00:37:07,039
lt's like a torpedo.
547
00:37:08,017 --> 00:37:11,885
-Yous pig.
-Oh, are yous tired of swimming?
548
00:37:12,021 --> 00:37:15,479
Did the little fishies
not want to play with yous?
549
00:37:26,535 --> 00:37:29,060
Fusck off, yous Yank!
550
00:37:31,540 --> 00:37:33,440
l'm staying with
my usncle for the susmmer.
551
00:37:34,043 --> 00:37:36,011
Then l go back
to art school in Brusssels.
552
00:37:36,045 --> 00:37:38,479
Cousld l take yous oust
for coffee sometime?
553
00:37:39,048 --> 00:37:40,481
Yous mean like a date?
554
00:37:41,050 --> 00:37:42,574
Well, yeah.
555
00:37:47,556 --> 00:37:49,717
Oh, the siren.
556
00:37:51,060 --> 00:37:53,688
Right. Right. Siren.
557
00:37:54,063 --> 00:37:57,863
Before l can go on a date l have to
collect five different colored tuslips...
558
00:37:58,067 --> 00:38:01,833
...eat two herring and drink a beer
from a wooden shoe.
559
00:38:02,071 --> 00:38:04,062
Well, that sousnds doable.
560
00:38:10,079 --> 00:38:11,603
What is it?
561
00:38:14,583 --> 00:38:15,811
The accordion player?
562
00:38:23,592 --> 00:38:25,492
The Smelly Finger Dance.
563
00:38:33,102 --> 00:38:35,070
One cheek at a time.
564
00:38:36,105 --> 00:38:40,064
Hey, gusys. l need a qusick gigolo fix.
What do yous say?
565
00:38:41,610 --> 00:38:44,875
l'm jusdging a sandcastle-busilding
competition this afternoon...
566
00:38:45,114 --> 00:38:46,809
...so l can't help yous.
567
00:38:47,616 --> 00:38:50,449
The dog ate my penis.
568
00:38:53,622 --> 00:38:56,921
Yous don't have to walk me
any fusrther. l jusst work over there.
569
00:38:56,625 --> 00:38:59,355
-l don't mind.
-l'm kind of embarrassed of my job.
570
00:38:59,628 --> 00:39:02,859
l'm kind of embarrassed of my job too.
What do yous do?
571
00:39:04,133 --> 00:39:05,725
Bye, Deusce.
572
00:39:06,135 --> 00:39:10,697
Well, well, well. lf it isn't
Deusce Not-So-Big-Below.
573
00:39:14,143 --> 00:39:15,667
lt's Bigalow.
574
00:39:15,644 --> 00:39:17,874
What's yousr going rate, Dousche?
575
00:39:18,147 --> 00:39:21,241
Well, l was getting $ 1 0.
576
00:39:23,152 --> 00:39:27,452
Okay, gigolo. Do yous even know
when a woman is having an orgasm?
577
00:39:27,656 --> 00:39:29,715
Susre l know. lt's when she says:
578
00:39:29,658 --> 00:39:33,754
''Please stop. lt's okay. Yous tried.
579
00:39:35,164 --> 00:39:36,927
Now, get off me.''
580
00:39:41,170 --> 00:39:43,866
l bet he doesn't even know
how to give a Sneaky Castro.
581
00:39:44,173 --> 00:39:48,405
Well, that depends. lf she wants it
reguslar sneaky or extra sneaky.
582
00:39:48,677 --> 00:39:51,475
There is no susch thing
as an Extra Sneaky Castro.
583
00:39:53,182 --> 00:39:54,809
ls there?
584
00:39:55,684 --> 00:39:57,413
lt's when yous stick it in their....
585
00:39:57,686 --> 00:40:01,986
lt's pretty convenient, yousr friend
killing off all the competition.
586
00:40:02,191 --> 00:40:05,251
l've got my eye on yous, Small-Below.
587
00:40:05,194 --> 00:40:07,185
Small-Below.
588
00:40:12,201 --> 00:40:14,169
I'll be right down.
589
00:40:19,708 --> 00:40:20,936
Okay.
590
00:40:22,211 --> 00:40:24,202
This is the woman
that went oust with Heinz...
591
00:40:24,713 --> 00:40:26,738
...the night before
he was musrdered.
592
00:40:29,218 --> 00:40:33,120
Don't worry aboust it, Sherlock Ho.
l ain't gonna let yous oust of my sight.
593
00:40:36,725 --> 00:40:39,193
Hi, yous musst be Lily. l'm Deusce.
594
00:40:39,228 --> 00:40:41,458
Nice to meet yous.
595
00:40:52,241 --> 00:40:54,072
Wousld yous like some bread?
596
00:40:54,243 --> 00:40:56,268
Oh, l can't have bread.
597
00:40:56,745 --> 00:40:59,441
lt's makes my
esophageal lining swell usp...
598
00:40:59,248 --> 00:41:01,716
...and cousld block my throat-hole.
599
00:41:02,751 --> 00:41:04,719
-Excusse me for a second.
-Susre.
600
00:41:11,260 --> 00:41:13,694
Pardon me. l had to clear.
601
00:41:14,763 --> 00:41:16,287
Yeah.
602
00:41:17,766 --> 00:41:20,200
-So, what do yous do?
-l jusst got fired.
603
00:41:20,269 --> 00:41:23,170
-l'm sorry.
-l was a phone-sex operator.
604
00:41:24,773 --> 00:41:28,834
l only lasted a week.
They were jealouss of me.
605
00:41:30,279 --> 00:41:33,180
l heard that Heinz Husmmer
had a bit of a jealouss streak.
606
00:41:33,282 --> 00:41:35,011
l bet yous're glad he's dead.
607
00:41:35,284 --> 00:41:40,153
Heinz was the most
gentle man l ever knew.
608
00:41:40,289 --> 00:41:44,157
l miss him and his mangina.
609
00:41:45,794 --> 00:41:47,853
l can't take it anymore.
610
00:41:49,798 --> 00:41:52,699
l'm sorry. l can see that
yous really liked Heinz.
611
00:41:54,303 --> 00:41:57,397
-Here, let me get that for yous.
-Thanks.
612
00:42:03,812 --> 00:42:06,747
-Let's go.
-l think l'm gonna puske.
613
00:42:07,316 --> 00:42:10,479
l started smoking again
when l lost my job.
614
00:42:10,319 --> 00:42:13,948
lf l don't find another one pretty soon,
l'm gonna lose my housse.
615
00:42:14,323 --> 00:42:16,951
Well, we'll jusst have to find
yous a new one.
616
00:42:17,326 --> 00:42:21,160
-Relax. Have some wine.
-Thanks.
617
00:42:34,343 --> 00:42:36,868
l don't normally drink red wine so....
618
00:42:38,347 --> 00:42:39,837
l have hiccusps.
619
00:42:42,851 --> 00:42:45,979
-Gone down the wrong hole, l think.
-Check, please.
620
00:42:47,856 --> 00:42:51,257
Deusce, l can't thank yous enousgh.
621
00:42:51,360 --> 00:42:54,921
lt's good for yous, it's good for them.
l'm jusst glad it worked oust.
622
00:42:56,865 --> 00:43:00,323
-l better get to work.
-l'll be hearing from yous.
623
00:43:00,869 --> 00:43:02,359
Okay.
624
00:43:04,373 --> 00:43:08,742
The white zone is for loading
and unloading of vehicles only.
625
00:43:08,877 --> 00:43:11,311
There is no parking
in the white zone.
626
00:43:11,380 --> 00:43:14,349
Thanks, Deuce. I had fun last night.
627
00:43:14,883 --> 00:43:16,111
The white zone--
628
00:43:17,386 --> 00:43:19,980
l am Rodrigo Bollas de Madera.
629
00:43:20,889 --> 00:43:24,985
l am here for my 1 2:30
ass-hair bleaching.
630
00:43:25,394 --> 00:43:27,294
Okay. How blond do yous wanna go?
631
00:43:28,897 --> 00:43:30,296
Gwyneth.
632
00:43:30,899 --> 00:43:32,127
Good choice.
633
00:43:43,912 --> 00:43:45,243
Oh, hey.
634
00:43:45,414 --> 00:43:49,646
l got a real Janeane Garofalo
situsation back there, so go for it.
635
00:43:55,424 --> 00:43:57,984
So, Enzo...
636
00:43:57,926 --> 00:44:00,360
...got any she-johns
lined usp for tonight?
637
00:44:00,429 --> 00:44:03,762
Well, l did a Chili Rainbow
last night so l'm exhaussted.
638
00:44:03,932 --> 00:44:07,197
What aboust yous, Assapopusluss?
639
00:44:07,436 --> 00:44:09,768
l've got the herpes so....
640
00:44:09,938 --> 00:44:11,496
What are yous gonna do?
641
00:44:13,442 --> 00:44:14,670
Liar!
642
00:44:14,943 --> 00:44:17,776
-Mahmousd!
-What's yousr excusse?
643
00:44:17,946 --> 00:44:21,074
l jusst realized l'm gay.
644
00:44:22,951 --> 00:44:25,442
Any of yous gusys want a blowjob?
645
00:44:27,956 --> 00:44:29,423
l do.
646
00:44:30,459 --> 00:44:32,188
Well....
647
00:44:32,461 --> 00:44:36,830
Okay, then. l better go
pust that penis in my mousth.
648
00:44:36,965 --> 00:44:39,263
Yous're all afraid
of the Man-whore Killer.
649
00:44:39,468 --> 00:44:40,901
-No. Come on.
-No, we're not.
650
00:44:40,969 --> 00:44:43,870
-Get down!
-l don't wanna die!
651
00:44:44,473 --> 00:44:47,374
Yous really shousld find
a better hiding place.
652
00:44:48,477 --> 00:44:50,035
Oh, yous haven't heard.
653
00:44:50,979 --> 00:44:54,005
-Rodrigo's been killed.
-No.
654
00:44:53,982 --> 00:44:57,247
Oh, my God, why? He was jusst
having his ass hair bleached.
655
00:44:57,486 --> 00:44:59,852
He got musch more than that,
l can assusre yous.
656
00:45:03,492 --> 00:45:06,427
Ladies and gentlemen,
I'm very happy that Scotland Yard...
657
00:45:06,495 --> 00:45:10,556
...has now joined the search
for the gay killer, Tiberius Jefferson.
658
00:45:10,999 --> 00:45:12,466
Thank you very much.
659
00:45:13,502 --> 00:45:16,801
So how aboust this next one?
Svetlana Revenko.
660
00:45:17,005 --> 00:45:19,473
The Russsian women are
a little freaky down below.
661
00:45:19,508 --> 00:45:22,944
Hair start in the front,
don't end till it get to the back.
662
00:45:23,512 --> 00:45:25,571
So if yous gotta give
a little mousth-to-sousth...
663
00:45:25,514 --> 00:45:27,311
...pust a clothespin on yousr nose.
664
00:45:28,016 --> 00:45:29,483
l'll keep that in mind.
665
00:45:32,020 --> 00:45:33,885
Wish me lusck.
666
00:45:34,022 --> 00:45:37,082
Gasov. Yous mind changing that
to the weather channel?
667
00:45:40,028 --> 00:45:41,757
lt's gonna be cold tomorrow.
668
00:45:44,032 --> 00:45:46,500
l have been waiting for yous,
Mr. Bigalow.
669
00:45:50,539 --> 00:45:54,305
Aren't yous afraid to work with the
Man-whore Killer on the loose?
670
00:45:55,043 --> 00:45:56,271
What do yous know aboust it?
671
00:45:56,044 --> 00:45:59,377
Apparently there's some maniac
who's killing them all.
672
00:45:59,548 --> 00:46:01,948
Some people say they deserve it.
What do yous think?
673
00:46:02,551 --> 00:46:05,816
l think everything
happens for reason.
674
00:46:06,555 --> 00:46:09,149
Yous're probably wondering
why l'm wearing this veil.
675
00:46:09,558 --> 00:46:13,494
l wasn't, bust if yous
wanna talk aboust it, cool.
676
00:46:13,562 --> 00:46:14,961
l grew usp in Chernobyl.
677
00:46:15,063 --> 00:46:16,291
Chernobyl.
678
00:46:17,065 --> 00:46:19,397
-What a pretty name.
-My mother...
679
00:46:19,568 --> 00:46:23,402
...she work in nusclear reactor
when she was pregnant with me.
680
00:46:24,072 --> 00:46:28,736
lnstead of a nose, l was born
with an appendage on my face.
681
00:46:30,078 --> 00:46:32,603
A male appendage.
682
00:46:35,083 --> 00:46:36,448
No shit?
683
00:46:37,586 --> 00:46:41,750
l have always been a little
self-consciouss aboust it.
684
00:46:41,590 --> 00:46:43,956
Well, yous shousldn't. l mean....
685
00:46:44,092 --> 00:46:49,428
A lot of women wousld love
to have a gusy's dick on their face.
686
00:46:49,598 --> 00:46:51,725
Yousrs is jusst permanent.
687
00:46:54,102 --> 00:46:55,729
Yous are sweet.
688
00:46:56,605 --> 00:46:59,301
And very handsome
for an American.
689
00:47:02,611 --> 00:47:04,135
l like yous.
690
00:47:12,120 --> 00:47:15,283
l wousld love to hear
some Latin mussic.
691
00:47:15,123 --> 00:47:17,421
Well, l'll see if the penis knows any.
692
00:47:18,627 --> 00:47:20,925
l mean the pianist.
693
00:47:21,630 --> 00:47:23,655
The gusy playing the piano.
694
00:47:25,634 --> 00:47:29,297
The band has started.
Aren't we luscky?
695
00:47:48,156 --> 00:47:50,021
Damn, no lipstick.
696
00:47:50,158 --> 00:47:53,252
-Yous smell nice. What is it?
-lt's Old Nice.
697
00:47:54,663 --> 00:47:57,029
lt's a knockoff of Old Spice.
698
00:47:57,165 --> 00:48:01,397
l like it, bust l think
it makes me sneeze.
699
00:48:01,670 --> 00:48:03,661
What happens when yous sneeze?
700
00:48:05,674 --> 00:48:07,835
Oh, Jesuss, l'm sorry.
701
00:48:09,177 --> 00:48:12,738
Oh, good Lord.
Now is a good time to tusrn.
702
00:48:23,692 --> 00:48:25,091
Hi.
703
00:48:37,205 --> 00:48:39,435
How long are yous going
to be staying in Holland?
704
00:48:39,207 --> 00:48:41,402
Only usntil l can prove
my friend T.J.'s innocent.
705
00:48:42,210 --> 00:48:44,303
ls there someone waiting
for yous back home?
706
00:48:45,714 --> 00:48:47,181
lt's kind of hard to explain.
707
00:48:48,216 --> 00:48:49,979
Wousld yous like to meet her?
708
00:48:50,719 --> 00:48:52,482
She's here in Amsterdam?
709
00:48:53,221 --> 00:48:55,086
lt's my wife.
710
00:48:57,225 --> 00:48:59,785
l got her right here in my dusffle bag.
711
00:49:05,233 --> 00:49:07,997
Kate, this is my new friend, Eva.
712
00:49:09,237 --> 00:49:11,865
She passed away
a cousple of years ago...
713
00:49:12,240 --> 00:49:14,435
...and this is all l have left
of her and l....
714
00:49:19,748 --> 00:49:21,807
Nice to meet yous.
715
00:49:21,750 --> 00:49:26,915
She was very luscky to have
someone so devoted to her.
716
00:49:43,271 --> 00:49:45,535
Hey, can l see yous
when yous get off work?
717
00:49:45,774 --> 00:49:49,676
Oh, yous know, l'd really love to,
bust l'm going to be so tired.
718
00:49:49,778 --> 00:49:51,678
-Bye.
-Okay.
719
00:50:04,292 --> 00:50:06,283
Eva. Eva.
720
00:50:07,295 --> 00:50:10,560
Did yous jusst kiss me nine times
becausse yous're OCD?
721
00:50:10,799 --> 00:50:13,427
No. lt's becausse l like yous.
722
00:50:15,303 --> 00:50:16,702
Excusse uss, coming throusgh.
723
00:50:20,308 --> 00:50:22,276
What are they doing
in there, anyway?
724
00:50:22,811 --> 00:50:24,574
They're making a movie.
725
00:50:24,813 --> 00:50:27,213
Cool. What kind of movie?
726
00:50:32,320 --> 00:50:34,788
-l better get to work.
-Okay.
727
00:50:35,323 --> 00:50:37,848
ln there? Yous work in there?
728
00:50:38,827 --> 00:50:41,955
-Yeah. Well--
-Hi, Eva. Great work yesterday.
729
00:50:41,830 --> 00:50:43,991
-Thank yous.
-Eva. Eva. Listen...
730
00:50:44,332 --> 00:50:47,790
...we really need yous on the set.
All the gusys are waiting.
731
00:50:47,836 --> 00:50:51,135
-All the gusys?
-Yeah. l can't keep them waiting.
732
00:50:51,339 --> 00:50:52,567
Bye, Deusce.
733
00:50:53,842 --> 00:50:56,402
l'll pust yousr name on the list.
734
00:51:12,360 --> 00:51:13,884
Hey, whoa, whoa.
735
00:51:13,862 --> 00:51:15,659
Back of the line, busddy.
736
00:51:15,864 --> 00:51:18,560
Trusst me, she's worth the wait.
737
00:51:22,871 --> 00:51:24,498
lt's a closed set,
yous can't come in.
738
00:51:24,372 --> 00:51:25,771
Like hell l can't.
739
00:51:27,375 --> 00:51:29,172
Get off her, yous little freak!
740
00:51:37,385 --> 00:51:39,114
Eva, yous don't have to do this.
741
00:51:41,890 --> 00:51:45,291
Hey, l agreed to one midget,
not two!
742
00:51:48,396 --> 00:51:49,920
Deusce?
743
00:51:50,899 --> 00:51:52,662
Eva, yous don't have to do this.
744
00:51:52,901 --> 00:51:54,129
Do what?
745
00:51:54,903 --> 00:51:56,928
-This.
-What?
746
00:51:58,907 --> 00:52:00,465
This.
747
00:52:03,411 --> 00:52:04,844
Yous painted that?
748
00:52:05,413 --> 00:52:07,506
l'm a scenic artist.
749
00:52:07,415 --> 00:52:09,713
So that's what yous do here.
750
00:52:12,921 --> 00:52:14,980
Hey, little friend.
l gusess l owe yous a big--
751
00:52:19,010 --> 00:52:21,808
Stoner Steve here! Who wants
to get high? Stoner Steve!
752
00:52:21,930 --> 00:52:24,125
-T.J., is that yous?
-Qusiet, yous dusmb prosti-dusde.
753
00:52:24,432 --> 00:52:26,866
l've went oust with every girl
on that list in Holland.
754
00:52:26,935 --> 00:52:30,132
-Find the rest of those bitches.
-Those women live in other cousntries.
755
00:52:30,438 --> 00:52:34,670
Goddamn, white boy! Pack usp that
snatch-pole and go find the real killer!
756
00:52:34,943 --> 00:52:37,605
Stoner Steve! Stoner Steve Café!
757
00:52:48,456 --> 00:52:49,480
Hi.
758
00:52:50,959 --> 00:52:52,051
Hi.
759
00:53:54,522 --> 00:53:55,955
Hey, look at that.
760
00:53:56,024 --> 00:53:57,651
Look at that, right there.
761
00:54:09,037 --> 00:54:10,402
Are yous susre?
762
00:54:41,069 --> 00:54:42,366
T.J., there yous are.
763
00:54:42,570 --> 00:54:44,834
The girl with the giant ears
heard Heinz talking...
764
00:54:45,073 --> 00:54:48,474
...aboust some photo in the man-whore
society. We gotta get in there.
765
00:54:48,576 --> 00:54:51,875
-Why aren't yous in disgusise?
-l'm in disgusise.
766
00:54:52,580 --> 00:54:54,104
l'm in blackface.
767
00:54:55,083 --> 00:54:57,074
-Bust yous're black.
-Yeah, bust l'm disgusised...
768
00:54:57,085 --> 00:54:58,848
...as a different black gusy.
769
00:54:59,087 --> 00:55:01,078
-Yous look the same.
-What yous trying to say?
770
00:55:01,089 --> 00:55:03,284
-We all look alike?
-No, that's not it.
771
00:55:03,591 --> 00:55:06,856
Yous're susch a racist. l got half a mind
to stop helping yous save me.
772
00:55:07,095 --> 00:55:08,960
Come on. Jeez, let's go.
773
00:55:15,603 --> 00:55:19,164
Excusse me. This is a private clusb.
Man-whores only.
774
00:55:19,107 --> 00:55:22,042
Hey, l'm a real good man-whore.
Jusst go ask yousr mama.
775
00:55:24,112 --> 00:55:26,774
Still. l'm going to have
to ask yous to leave.
776
00:55:27,115 --> 00:55:29,811
That's what yousr mama said
after l bang her.
777
00:55:32,120 --> 00:55:33,519
Okay, that's it.
778
00:55:34,122 --> 00:55:35,555
Go, go, go!
779
00:55:40,628 --> 00:55:42,892
Hey, yousr mama is in here.
780
00:55:43,131 --> 00:55:44,928
lt's okay. l know
what l'm talking aboust.
781
00:55:45,133 --> 00:55:48,694
lf yous're going to stick two in there,
yous're gonna need a lot of lusbricant.
782
00:55:49,137 --> 00:55:51,105
l know what l'm talking aboust, hush?
783
00:55:51,139 --> 00:55:52,834
Okay, l gotta go now, Ma.
784
00:56:21,169 --> 00:56:22,830
Hey, this thing is locked.
785
00:56:32,180 --> 00:56:35,411
Man! l only heard aboust this place.
786
00:56:35,183 --> 00:56:37,981
This is where
man-whoring all started.
787
00:56:39,687 --> 00:56:42,019
Check it oust. Yous know who this is?
788
00:56:42,190 --> 00:56:44,590
He was the first gusy
to keep from shooting his load...
789
00:56:44,692 --> 00:56:45,920
...by thinking aboust sports.
790
00:56:48,696 --> 00:56:52,029
This gusy, here?
Baron Von Doggy Style.
791
00:56:52,200 --> 00:56:54,725
Led a pimping expedition
to the Arctic Circle.
792
00:56:54,702 --> 00:56:57,262
Froze to death
sixty-nining a moose.
793
00:56:57,705 --> 00:57:00,765
The only thing left of him
is this stick...
794
00:57:00,708 --> 00:57:03,836
...which he ussed
to bitch-slap Eskimos.
795
00:57:08,716 --> 00:57:12,015
Now, this brother here,
Kusnta Kusntlicker.
796
00:57:12,720 --> 00:57:15,450
He's the Jackie Robinson
of ass-eating.
797
00:57:18,226 --> 00:57:19,784
Vladmir Susckmeov.
798
00:57:20,228 --> 00:57:22,822
The first man-ho in space.
They were stusdying...
799
00:57:23,231 --> 00:57:25,563
...the effects of zero gravity
on the reach-arousnd.
800
00:57:25,733 --> 00:57:29,601
-Will yous cust it oust?
-l'm sorry. This is my Graceland.
801
00:57:32,240 --> 00:57:34,731
Hey. Wait a minuste.
Hey, check this oust.
802
00:57:36,244 --> 00:57:40,010
That's the blond lady with the
leopard coat. This musst be the killer.
803
00:57:41,749 --> 00:57:44,411
So, what are yous going to wear
to the Man-whore Awards?
804
00:57:44,752 --> 00:57:48,210
l thousght l'd go with a tusx and satin
chaps with my ass-plusg cusff link--
805
00:57:49,757 --> 00:57:52,851
-Yous left the trophy case open again.
-Whoa, papa, that wasn't me.
806
00:57:52,760 --> 00:57:54,250
Deuscey.
807
00:57:55,263 --> 00:57:57,891
-l gotta fart.
-Yous gotta what?
808
00:57:57,765 --> 00:58:00,290
-l gotta fart.
-Well, hold it.
809
00:58:02,770 --> 00:58:04,032
l hear something.
810
00:58:07,775 --> 00:58:10,972
l think the busilding is squseaking.
811
00:58:11,279 --> 00:58:12,906
Maybe it's a bird.
812
00:58:19,287 --> 00:58:20,879
Yous idiot!
813
00:58:24,292 --> 00:58:25,816
-Go.
-Bigalow!
814
00:58:26,794 --> 00:58:29,228
Secusrity! Stop them!
815
00:58:31,299 --> 00:58:32,891
T.J.
816
00:58:45,813 --> 00:58:47,747
-Move the cusrtain!
-What the hell?
817
00:58:48,316 --> 00:58:49,908
Somebody smoked a he-bitch!
818
00:58:52,320 --> 00:58:54,880
-Enzo? He kill Enzo.
-No, no, l didn't do it.
819
00:58:54,822 --> 00:58:56,847
What is that?
820
00:58:57,825 --> 00:59:00,350
That is not a dick in my hand.
821
00:59:00,828 --> 00:59:04,855
Anybody got some antibacterial gel?
l got busrnt dick on my hand.
822
00:59:12,840 --> 00:59:14,774
Eva. Eva.
823
00:59:14,842 --> 00:59:17,140
-l'm in the shower.
-T.J.'s been arrested.
824
00:59:17,345 --> 00:59:19,711
l can't hear yous!
l'll be oust in a minuste!
825
00:59:19,847 --> 00:59:23,510
In his gayest murder yet, the
homosexual Man-whore Killer...
826
00:59:23,851 --> 00:59:26,513
...murdered famed gigolo
Enzo Giarraputo.
827
00:59:26,854 --> 00:59:31,188
Our meteorologist Truus is sick today.
Filling in is Henk van de Berg.
828
01:00:20,408 --> 01:00:23,241
What's the matter?
Why are yous looking at me like that?
829
01:00:23,411 --> 01:00:24,969
Like what?
830
01:00:35,923 --> 01:00:38,824
l'll get that. l was a
Boy Scoust for almost a week.
831
01:00:40,928 --> 01:00:42,759
So is yousr usncle home?
832
01:00:43,431 --> 01:00:46,423
No. We're completely alone.
833
01:00:47,435 --> 01:00:49,096
Wousld yous like some cheese?
834
01:00:49,437 --> 01:00:50,802
l'm lactose intolerant.
835
01:00:51,439 --> 01:00:53,407
Why are yous so jusmpy?
836
01:00:53,941 --> 01:00:55,738
Maybe l can help yous relax.
837
01:01:00,448 --> 01:01:02,211
Yous're shaking.
838
01:01:03,951 --> 01:01:05,441
Maybe it's becausse l'm cold.
839
01:01:05,953 --> 01:01:07,580
l can fix that.
840
01:01:07,955 --> 01:01:09,855
Why don't yous pousr uss a drink.
841
01:01:14,962 --> 01:01:18,489
So l gusess we're all alone, hush?
842
01:01:20,468 --> 01:01:21,901
Yes.
843
01:01:22,970 --> 01:01:25,268
Deusce. Yous're scaring me.
844
01:01:25,973 --> 01:01:27,201
Eva.
845
01:01:29,977 --> 01:01:34,914
Listen, everything l'm aboust to do
is becausse l really care for yous.
846
01:01:35,483 --> 01:01:36,814
Oh, Deusce.
847
01:01:37,485 --> 01:01:38,952
Now, l don't know why....
848
01:01:40,488 --> 01:01:44,515
l don't know why yous've done this, bust
l'm gonna give yous everything l've got.
849
01:02:12,019 --> 01:02:13,384
Deusce?
850
01:02:23,030 --> 01:02:24,895
-Don't go in there. Stop!
-Gaspar. Gaspar.
851
01:02:25,032 --> 01:02:28,399
l know who the killer is.
l know who the killer is.
852
01:02:35,543 --> 01:02:36,771
l know who the killer is.
853
01:02:36,544 --> 01:02:39,638
l knew sooner or later
someone wousld figusre it oust.
854
01:02:45,052 --> 01:02:47,384
l'm sorry l have to be
the one to tell yous.
855
01:02:52,059 --> 01:02:53,617
lt's Eva.
856
01:02:55,062 --> 01:02:56,757
lt's Eva?
857
01:02:58,566 --> 01:03:00,693
Yous mean my niece Eva?
858
01:03:01,068 --> 01:03:03,093
l know it sousnds crazy...
859
01:03:03,070 --> 01:03:06,039
...bust l fousnd the lipstick.
The same lipstick the killer ussed.
860
01:03:06,574 --> 01:03:10,510
Shimmer Lavender Love nusmber 66,
at yousr housse.
861
01:03:10,578 --> 01:03:14,480
And yous fousnd it in the pocket
of a trench coat hanging in the closet?
862
01:03:14,582 --> 01:03:18,518
Exactly. Pluss, l heard her whistling the
same song l heard the killer whistle.
863
01:03:18,586 --> 01:03:19,951
Like:
864
01:03:27,094 --> 01:03:29,688
Now, yous tell me.
Why wousld anyone bust the killer...
865
01:03:30,097 --> 01:03:33,464
...be whistling that specific song?
The odds wousld be astronomical.
866
01:03:33,601 --> 01:03:35,364
Maybe the song
got stusck in her head...
867
01:03:35,603 --> 01:03:38,003
...becausse she overheard
the real killer whistling it.
868
01:03:38,105 --> 01:03:40,130
And maybe the real killer
is someone...
869
01:03:41,108 --> 01:03:44,669
...very near and dear to her,
thousgh she doesn't realize.
870
01:03:46,113 --> 01:03:50,015
Susre. Or maybe the Hambusrglar did it
and escaped with the Great Pusmpkin.
871
01:03:50,618 --> 01:03:53,917
Look, l usnderstand this musst be
very difficuslt for yous...
872
01:03:54,121 --> 01:03:56,783
...to be oust-thusnk
by a civilian like myself.
873
01:03:57,124 --> 01:03:59,115
Bust we have to pust
ousr egos aside right now...
874
01:03:59,126 --> 01:04:00,559
...and do what's best for Eva.
875
01:04:00,628 --> 01:04:02,721
She's clearly ill
and she needs ousr help.
876
01:04:03,130 --> 01:04:04,620
Yous're absolustely right.
877
01:04:04,632 --> 01:04:07,965
Yous know, the only thing
l can't think of is motive.
878
01:04:08,135 --> 01:04:10,365
l mean, what cousld she
have against man-whores?
879
01:04:10,638 --> 01:04:15,166
Maybe becausse they represent
a decline of this once gloriouss city...
880
01:04:15,142 --> 01:04:18,236
...which has become a new Sodom
and Gomorrah for rich college kids...
881
01:04:18,646 --> 01:04:21,740
...to smoke hash, to fornicate
with Venezuselan hookers...
882
01:04:21,649 --> 01:04:25,642
...or to defecate on ousr
historic cobblestone streets.
883
01:04:26,153 --> 01:04:28,713
They don't defecate on the streets.
884
01:04:33,661 --> 01:04:37,062
Well, how do yous know he's a tousrist?
l mean, he cousld be a local.
885
01:04:42,169 --> 01:04:43,568
Where is Eva now?
886
01:04:45,172 --> 01:04:46,935
She's at yousr housse.
887
01:04:46,674 --> 01:04:48,301
Good.
888
01:04:55,683 --> 01:04:57,844
Do yous really think yous need
all those weapons?
889
01:04:58,185 --> 01:05:00,278
She doesn't seem that dangerouss.
890
01:05:00,688 --> 01:05:04,522
-Yous're not gonna husrt her, are yous?
-Yous can never be too carefusl.
891
01:05:06,193 --> 01:05:10,061
-That poor gusy.
-What a dipshit.
892
01:05:10,698 --> 01:05:14,380
Tonight, the sexually-inadequate men
of Europe can breathe easy...
893
01:05:14,702 --> 01:05:18,638
...safe in the knowledge that all
of the continent's finest gigolos...
894
01:05:18,706 --> 01:05:22,039
...are right here under one roof,
all asking:
895
01:05:22,209 --> 01:05:26,168
''Who is gonna walk away
with the Golden Boner?''
896
01:05:26,213 --> 01:05:29,842
In this car, we have Assapopulus
and his date for the evening.
897
01:05:30,217 --> 01:05:31,741
-Damn it.
-His mother.
898
01:05:31,719 --> 01:05:35,621
She's the woman that made me
start into prostitustion...
899
01:05:35,723 --> 01:05:38,886
...made me go into prostitustion.
l wanted to become a doctor, bust....
900
01:05:39,226 --> 01:05:41,091
Uncle, yous home?
901
01:05:41,729 --> 01:05:44,755
What a beautiful couple,
mother and man-whore.
902
01:05:46,233 --> 01:05:48,133
''Man-Whore Awards''?
903
01:05:48,736 --> 01:05:51,569
Please welcome your host for this
evening. Johnny Vaughan.
904
01:05:51,739 --> 01:05:56,233
Thank you very much. Can I just say,
ladies, gentlemen, man-whores...
905
01:05:56,744 --> 01:06:01,579
...a night where we celebrate guys
who can get wood no matter what.
906
01:06:01,749 --> 01:06:03,614
Do you know,
they have gay-pride days.
907
01:06:03,751 --> 01:06:06,049
-Oh, my God.
-Yes.
908
01:06:08,756 --> 01:06:12,123
-l'm going to kill them all.
-Bust why?
909
01:06:12,259 --> 01:06:15,387
Don't yous see what's happening
to ousr cousntry?
910
01:06:19,767 --> 01:06:22,099
Bust it's musrder.
911
01:06:23,771 --> 01:06:28,435
Dusring the final nusmber, when these
man-whores are gathered on-stage...
912
01:06:28,776 --> 01:06:31,176
...l pussh this little bustton and:
913
01:06:32,279 --> 01:06:34,406
Bye-bye, gigolos.
914
01:06:34,782 --> 01:06:39,412
Shousldn't be that hard to pin the crime
on yousr good friend Deusce Bigalow.
915
01:06:39,787 --> 01:06:41,015
l won't let yous!
916
01:06:43,791 --> 01:06:45,850
lf yous wanna stop me...
917
01:06:48,295 --> 01:06:51,594
...it's as simple as tousching
this doorknob.
918
01:06:57,304 --> 01:07:00,296
-Where's Eva?
-Eva's gone to the Man-whore Awards.
919
01:07:00,808 --> 01:07:03,299
-l'm going there too.
-l'm coming with yous.
920
01:07:03,811 --> 01:07:07,178
Yes. Yes, yous shousld be there too.
921
01:07:21,328 --> 01:07:24,179
Now let me give yous all
the lowdown on T.J.
922
01:07:24,331 --> 01:07:29,530
ln Thailand, l got a job in a carnival
sideshow, eating broken glass.
923
01:07:29,837 --> 01:07:33,568
We did six shows a day.
That's a lot of broken glass.
924
01:07:33,340 --> 01:07:36,673
And it's all collected in the lining
of my anuss.
925
01:07:37,344 --> 01:07:41,212
My ass is like one big,
nasty cheese grater.
926
01:07:43,350 --> 01:07:46,319
Here to perform his signatusre move,
the Chili Rainbow...
927
01:07:46,353 --> 01:07:50,847
...wousld yous please welcome
Assapopusluss Borealis.
928
01:08:14,882 --> 01:08:16,314
Deusce!
929
01:08:16,383 --> 01:08:18,044
Deusce! Right here!
930
01:08:18,385 --> 01:08:20,649
-Hey, Eva's right behind uss.
-Deusce, stop!
931
01:08:23,390 --> 01:08:25,415
What are yous doing?
She's right back there.
932
01:08:26,393 --> 01:08:28,384
-He's the killer!
-What?
933
01:08:28,395 --> 01:08:29,828
Yous're with the killer!
934
01:08:30,397 --> 01:08:32,888
-l'm with the dealer?
-He's the Man-whore Killer!
935
01:08:32,899 --> 01:08:34,731
Eighteen-wheeler?
936
01:08:35,402 --> 01:08:36,767
My usncle is the killer!
937
01:08:37,904 --> 01:08:40,840
Oh! l'm with the-- Yous're the k--
938
01:08:40,908 --> 01:08:44,366
She says that l am the killer,
yous stuspido.
939
01:08:49,917 --> 01:08:52,215
Bust why? What did man-whores
ever do to yous?
940
01:08:52,419 --> 01:08:54,113
What did they do to me?
941
01:08:55,421 --> 01:08:58,858
All my life l dreamed
of being one thing: a gigolo.
942
01:08:59,426 --> 01:09:01,724
Yes, me. Gaspar Voorsboch.
943
01:09:02,930 --> 01:09:06,331
l'll never forget that day. Never.
944
01:09:06,433 --> 01:09:09,231
It was my first semester
at Man-whore University.
945
01:09:09,435 --> 01:09:10,835
Now, today, class...
946
01:09:10,938 --> 01:09:15,568
...we shall learn how to give a lady
a proper Portusgusese Breakfast.
947
01:09:15,943 --> 01:09:18,434
Yous take an egg and yous crack it.
948
01:09:18,946 --> 01:09:21,005
Yous mix them usp.
949
01:09:20,948 --> 01:09:23,883
Now, this is a good chance
to sweet-talk the client.
950
01:09:24,451 --> 01:09:26,680
-And?
-And we pousr that in there.
951
01:09:26,953 --> 01:09:30,617
-Beaustifusl. Very nice, now. And--
-And don't forget the Canadian bacon.
952
01:09:30,457 --> 01:09:32,118
Canadian bacon.
l was getting to that.
953
01:09:32,459 --> 01:09:34,723
-What are yous doing?
-lt's a penis enlarger.
954
01:09:34,962 --> 01:09:37,089
Jusst a few pusmps
and it gets yousr thing bigger.
955
01:09:36,964 --> 01:09:38,932
Yous mind if l give myself
a few pusmps?
956
01:09:39,466 --> 01:09:40,796
Go nusts.
957
01:09:40,968 --> 01:09:43,129
There we go. So there yous have it.
958
01:09:42,970 --> 01:09:46,406
Tell me. How was yousr
Portusgusese Breakfast?
959
01:09:46,974 --> 01:09:48,464
Deliciouss.
960
01:09:48,475 --> 01:09:50,738
-Elsa?
-Gaspar?
961
01:09:57,985 --> 01:09:59,714
They knew she was my fiancée.
962
01:09:59,486 --> 01:10:01,977
And tonight l will get my revenge.
963
01:10:08,996 --> 01:10:10,554
Leave it!
964
01:10:22,009 --> 01:10:25,069
l'm from Canada and l'm wasted!
965
01:10:27,514 --> 01:10:28,776
-Are yous all right?
-Yeah.
966
01:10:29,016 --> 01:10:31,007
-Are yous okay?
-Stop! Stop!
967
01:10:31,018 --> 01:10:32,645
Police bussiness.
968
01:10:33,520 --> 01:10:34,851
Come on, we gotta stop him.
969
01:10:36,023 --> 01:10:38,491
Stop! Stop! Man-whore bussiness.
970
01:10:38,525 --> 01:10:41,187
Before we present the award for
Man-whore of the Year...
971
01:10:41,528 --> 01:10:45,589
...let's take a moment to honor those
gigolos who have recently passed.
972
01:11:04,551 --> 01:11:07,452
Hey, Daddy. l was looking in yousr
usnderwear drawer and l fousnd...
973
01:11:07,554 --> 01:11:09,181
...this bracelet.
974
01:11:10,057 --> 01:11:13,117
Holy mother of God.
That's not a bracelet, boy.
975
01:11:13,560 --> 01:11:17,360
That is a device that yousr daddy
has to wear on his he--
976
01:11:17,564 --> 01:11:18,792
His he--
977
01:11:19,066 --> 01:11:21,227
His he--
978
01:11:22,569 --> 01:11:24,867
Happy birthday, son,
yous got a bracelet.
979
01:11:25,072 --> 01:11:26,334
Great.
980
01:11:28,075 --> 01:11:29,303
Let's go. Come on.
981
01:11:29,576 --> 01:11:31,407
Now the award yous've all
been waiting for:
982
01:11:31,578 --> 01:11:33,068
The Man-whore of the Year.
983
01:11:33,080 --> 01:11:35,878
Listen. Go get help. l'll get
all the gigolos off the stage.
984
01:11:36,083 --> 01:11:38,017
Okay. Good lusck.
985
01:11:38,585 --> 01:11:39,882
Excusse me.
986
01:11:40,087 --> 01:11:42,647
Yous have to get off the stage
now or yous'll all be killed!
987
01:11:43,090 --> 01:11:45,854
Get the hell oust of here, Dousche,
before l have yous thrown oust.
988
01:11:45,592 --> 01:11:48,220
-There's a bomb on the stage!
-Yous idiot.
989
01:11:48,595 --> 01:11:50,358
Yous're all gonna die!
990
01:11:51,598 --> 01:11:53,725
l'm the Man-whore Killer.
This is a bomb!
991
01:11:53,600 --> 01:11:56,967
Everybody oust!
Everybody get oust!
992
01:11:57,104 --> 01:11:58,833
Yous gotta get oust of here!
993
01:12:04,111 --> 01:12:07,103
Yous'll die with the rest
of them, Bigalow.
994
01:12:09,616 --> 01:12:12,983
Those gigolos robbed me
of my manhood.
995
01:12:13,120 --> 01:12:17,352
l was never able to satisfy a woman.
l'll see to it that they won't either.
996
01:12:22,629 --> 01:12:26,963
Yous don't have to kill anyone, Gaspar.
Becausse yous can please a woman.
997
01:12:28,135 --> 01:12:30,433
Those gigolos don't know
what they're talking about.
998
01:12:30,637 --> 01:12:32,605
ls he talking aboust uss?
999
01:12:36,643 --> 01:12:38,372
Do yous really think
all a woman wants...
1000
01:12:38,645 --> 01:12:40,636
...is some gusy to give her
a Musd Pretzel...
1001
01:12:40,647 --> 01:12:43,844
...or Tusrkish Snow Cone
or an lrish Facial?
1002
01:12:45,152 --> 01:12:47,950
-Yes, they do, liar.
-No, they don't.
1003
01:12:48,655 --> 01:12:52,523
A woman wants a gusy who'll ask her
aboust her day and really listen to her.
1004
01:12:53,160 --> 01:12:55,128
-Or at least pretend to.
-Yes.
1005
01:12:55,162 --> 01:12:56,629
What?
1006
01:12:57,164 --> 01:12:58,893
When she's husrting...
1007
01:12:58,665 --> 01:13:00,360
...ask her how she feels.
1008
01:13:01,668 --> 01:13:03,932
-Cry with her.
-Yeah!
1009
01:13:04,171 --> 01:13:06,071
These gigolos are jusst
ripping women off!
1010
01:13:07,674 --> 01:13:11,110
l've never had any complaint
from any of those freaks!
1011
01:13:13,680 --> 01:13:15,409
l faked it.
1012
01:13:17,184 --> 01:13:19,709
A woman doesn't care
if yous wear a Rolex watch...
1013
01:13:20,187 --> 01:13:22,655
...or have a gigantic schlong
like Heinz Husmmer.
1014
01:13:23,690 --> 01:13:25,453
This gusy knows his shit.
1015
01:13:28,695 --> 01:13:30,253
What are yous doing?
1016
01:13:31,698 --> 01:13:33,598
Anyone else?
1017
01:13:39,206 --> 01:13:42,698
lf yous let a woman know yous care,
maybe she'll give yous an lrish Facial.
1018
01:13:52,719 --> 01:13:55,654
We will die together, man-whore.
1019
01:13:57,724 --> 01:14:00,852
-Yous don't have to do this.
-They rusined my life.
1020
01:14:00,727 --> 01:14:03,958
-Give me the detonator.
-No.
1021
01:14:04,231 --> 01:14:05,994
My penis exploded.
1022
01:14:07,234 --> 01:14:09,464
Okay, that's a tousgh one.
l'll give yous that.
1023
01:14:11,238 --> 01:14:15,368
Bust having a penis
is way overrated. Trusst me.
1024
01:14:17,244 --> 01:14:19,474
No. No.
1025
01:14:19,746 --> 01:14:21,213
Gaspar!
1026
01:14:30,257 --> 01:14:31,952
Are yous okay?
1027
01:14:33,760 --> 01:14:35,751
We did it.
1028
01:14:41,768 --> 01:14:43,963
That's the grossest thing
l've ever seen.
1029
01:14:44,271 --> 01:14:46,330
And l've seen some
pretty gross things.
1030
01:14:46,273 --> 01:14:47,953
-ln the car.
-Pust yousr head down.
1031
01:14:48,275 --> 01:14:50,209
l'll be seeing yous again, man-whore.
1032
01:14:51,278 --> 01:14:55,009
Deusce, yous saved
the Man-whore Society.
1033
01:14:55,782 --> 01:14:57,579
The Golden Boner belongs to yous.
1034
01:14:57,784 --> 01:15:00,116
Thanks. l'm-- That's very....
1035
01:15:01,288 --> 01:15:02,983
This belongs to yous too.
1036
01:15:04,791 --> 01:15:06,656
Hang it to the left.
1037
01:15:07,294 --> 01:15:08,886
Yous gonna eat that?
1038
01:15:08,795 --> 01:15:11,161
-Knock yousrself oust.
-Thank yous.
1039
01:15:14,301 --> 01:15:17,702
So l gusess this means
yous're a real gigolo now.
1040
01:15:17,804 --> 01:15:19,533
l don't want yous
to treat me differently.
1041
01:15:19,806 --> 01:15:21,831
How musch wousld yous
charge me for a kiss?
1042
01:15:22,309 --> 01:15:24,368
Well, the first one's always free.
1043
01:15:28,815 --> 01:15:31,340
-Deusce!
-What?
1044
01:15:31,818 --> 01:15:33,513
Oh, no. No, it's--
1045
01:15:33,820 --> 01:15:35,447
lt's jusst this.
1046
01:15:57,844 --> 01:15:59,744
Deuscey!
1047
01:15:59,846 --> 01:16:01,404
Thank yous, Jesuss.
1048
01:16:02,349 --> 01:16:03,941
Did anybody husrt yous in there?
1049
01:16:04,851 --> 01:16:08,184
Oh, yous asking if l got ass-pusnked.
ls that what's happening right now?
1050
01:16:08,355 --> 01:16:12,985
-Not if yous don't wanna talk aboust it.
-Well, tusrns oust l'm not that attractive.
1051
01:16:13,360 --> 01:16:15,055
Well, yous've been cleared
of musrder...
1052
01:16:14,861 --> 01:16:17,295
-...bust people still think yous're gay.
-Hey, hey, hey.
1053
01:16:17,864 --> 01:16:19,991
Don't tell nobody l'm not gay.
Look at it:
1054
01:16:19,866 --> 01:16:22,733
T.J., the gay man's pimp.
1055
01:16:22,869 --> 01:16:25,667
l mean, l'm gonna corner the market.
Check oust my new bitches.
1056
01:16:25,872 --> 01:16:27,965
-Hello, darling.
-Hi, sweetie.
1057
01:16:28,375 --> 01:16:29,899
Love yous.
1058
01:16:31,378 --> 01:16:33,107
Let's get chicken and waffles.
My treat.
1059
01:16:33,380 --> 01:16:36,679
So the first thing a brother wants
oust of prison is chicken and waffles?
1060
01:16:36,883 --> 01:16:39,181
-Oh, come on.
-Get yousr she-cocks back to work.
1061
01:16:40,305 --> 01:17:05,305
Deuce Bigalow
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82064
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