All language subtitles for Reginald.the.Vampire.S01E01.WEBRip.x264-ION10

Get your skanky ass
away from me.

Hit the bricks.

Easy!

Dumb bitch.

How you doin'?

Nice night.

Cool breeze.

Man, you know you didn't have
to treat her like that.

I mean, sure, yeah,
sometimes love can be cruel,

but it's
an unnecessary byproduct.

It's not the point
of the damn thing.

I'm gonna count to ten.

Then I'm gonna bounce you
off the damn asphalt.

One, two, three--

You a meat eater?

I'm keeping a close eye
on my cholesterol.

I heard carnivores had
a higher load in their blood.

What the hell does my blood
gotta do with anything?

I'm just trying
to watch what I eat.

What?

Thank you, everyone!

Thank you, everyone,
thank you very much.

Hello, Akron, Ohio!

I can't hear you!

There we go.

Today is not only the first day
of the rest of your lives,

but it is the best day,
because today,

we are going to learn
how to get what you want

out of the life
that you are living.

But you can't get what you want

if you don't know what it is,
can you?

crowd: No, you can't!

Tell me what I want.

You want Sarah
to love you back!

Yes, exactly.

But it is not easy.

It's a journey.

And before I reach
my destination,

there's a secret
that I have to learn.

crowd:
What's the secret, Reginald?

Tell us!

If you always do
what you've always done,

you'll always get
what you've always got.

If you always do

what you've always done,

you'll always get
what you've always got.

If you always do
what you've always done,

you'll always get
what you've always got.

Hey, Regi-world.

Regi-round.

Regi-wide, comin' through.

You know
eventually fat-shaming

will lose its punch, right?

I'm so fat,
I have my own zip code.

I'm so fat that my favorite
necklace is the food chain.

I'm so fat
that when I step on the scale,

it says "To be continued."

I'm so fat
that when I go to the beach,

Greenpeace shows up
to shove me in the ocean.

I'm so fat--
- Yeah, I got it.

Super funny.

I'm about to die laughing
from how funny you are

about being obese.

I'm so fat,
that when I--

Hi, Sarah.
- Hey, Reginald.

Never.
No chance.

"Um, no, thank you, Reginald.

I don't like you like that."

Forever.

Welcome to Slushy Shack.
How can I help you?

Welcome to Slushy Shack.
How may I help you?

You don't have to say that
every time, you know.

Crazy thing.

Actually, I--I do.
It's in the manual.

There is no manual,
and we both know it.

I'll get a Chocoholic Blast,

but I want you to add just
a pinch of Tropical Coconut

in there with it,
but not too much

or I get a weird aftertaste
in my mouth.

- An exact pinch.
- It's just an expression.

But imagine taking a pinch
of slushy with your fingers

and adding it into my slushy,
but use a spoon

to add the same amount instead.

Got it.
Right away, Claire.

See you tomorrow night,

like always.

"What's the Story,
Morning Glory?"

Oasis, nice.

- "What's the Story"--
- "Work Bitch." Britney.

"I'm So Bored in the USA."
The Clash.

"We're Gonna Have
to Get Out of This Place."

Ooh, in my
"Little Red Corvette"?

"Shut Up and Drive."

Ooh, "Bad Together."

"Drunk in Love."

Because Queen Bey is--

- Awesome.
- Yeah.

Sorry to interrupt.

Can I get a Sour Apple Scream?

Sorry, we were just--

Talking in song titles.

"I Like That."

Janelle Monáe, yeah.
- Janelle Monáe. Nice.

All right, I'm on break.

Uh, we're all out
of Sour Apple Scream, actually.

It's quite popular.

Pineapple Surprise?

Oh, it's my favorite.

Have we met before?

Nah.

No, it's, uh--
it's my first time.

Welcome to the Slushy Shack.

How may I help you?

Give me a minute.

I'll think of something.

Mmm.

Yeah, so the executive training
program is, uh, designed

to give candidates like me
hands-on experience

with day-to-day
franchise operations.

Right.

Hey, Reginald.

Third snack already?
- Oh.

Give it a rest, Todd.

Dear God,

and/or grown-up baby Jesus...

whatever down payment was made
before I was born,

whatever was promised,

I want a refund.

Every cent,
or I will report you

to the Better Business Bureau

or the Pope

and possibly the Mormons,

if they turn out
to be relevant.

I was promised so much
that I did not receive.

The marketing was deceptive.

And, sure, I may not exactly
know how it all works--

like, what life is handed out
to who and why,

but I'm beginning to think
a mistake was made

pretty obviously
not in my favor.

And as a result,
I'm not satisfied.

And you know what?

in addition to a refund,

I'd like a personal apology.

I would also like
bugless summers

and less active sweat glands

and someone to talk to
outside of the Slushy Shack.

And, like, maybe,

just one time, once...

a lucky break.

Whoa!

You scared me half to death.

Where did you even come from?

I didn't even hear you coming.

What's your name?

Reginald Andres.

Call me Maurice.

Hi, Maurice.

You know, I read once
that self-directed talk

is a healthy instinct.

It assists in stimulating,

directing,
and evaluating actions.

I--I was asking for things
that I don't have.

Yeah, like a prayer.

I'm an atheist, actually.

I'm not.

How much did you hear?

I believe everyone deserves
a refund,

someone to talk to,

bugless summers, too.

Closing time.
Grab a mop!

You really like her,
don't you?

Her name is Sarah.

Maybe you should do something
about that.

Ask her out.

Take her to dinner and a movie.

Funny.
You know, you'd like Todd.

He has the same kind of jokes.

You're afraid.

Unlike most men,
I know my limitations.

Truth, Reggie?

Everybody gets
to write their own story.

Okay,
I like a good fortune cookie

as much as the next guy, but--

Listen to me.

Go back in there.

Do not be afraid.

Ask Sarah
if she has plans Friday night,

because if she doesn't,

you think it'd be fun
if the two of you went out.

Maybe to dinner and a movie.

If she says no, that's okay.

Just say, "Cool.
Maybe next time."

But if she says yes,

you smile
like you mean it,

totally comfortable
with your good luck,

and you say, "Great.
Friday. You and me."

"You and me" is a promise,
not a description.

You need to communicate that
to her.

And then you walk away,

like you just did the one thing
you were always meant to do.

Good luck, kid.

About time.

- Hey, Sarah.
- Hey.

Are you busy Friday night?

Uh, Friday?

No. No, I'm not busy.

I think it would be fun
if we went out.

Maybe dinner and a movie.

Sure.
I--I would like that.

Great.
Friday.

You and me.

You busy Saturday night?

'Cause I think
it'd be even more fun if--

Not a chance, Todd.

Cool.
Completely understand.

Yes!

Ah!

Ooh!

If you always do
what you've always done,

you'll always get
what you've always got.

If you always do
what you've always done,

you'll always get
what you've always got.

If you always do
what you've always done,

you'll always get
what you've always got.

I was hoping
you'd show up again.

Hey, Reggie.
What's up?

We need to have
a very serious talk right now.

How's that?

I have a date
with Sarah Kinney tomorrow.

Well, that's
a positive development.

You asked her out,
and she said yes.

That's the thing
I don't understand.

That she said yes?

It's like I was there,

and not there
at the same time.

Like, there was
a physical barrier

between my perception
of the moment

and the moment itself.

Like I was Reginald
and not Reginald

at the same time.

Okay, okay. Yeah.

You might be
overthinking things.

It's just dinner and a movie.

Which,
under normal circumstances,

is no big deal, right?

But seeing as how
I've never been on a date,

it's a very big deal!

Hang on.

Not even once?

Okay, okay.

Uh, where does Sarah live?

Uh, Magnolia and 40th?

All right, um,
meet me at Saint Franks

an hour before your date.

Do you think an hour's
long enough to prepare me?

I--I mean,
I'm a quick study, sure,

but, I mean,
we're talking about an arena

in which
I have zero experience.

Hey, do you trust me?

Completely,
but I have no idea why.

I'll tell you what to do,

every step,
and then you'll do it.

I'ma get a slushy now.

Cool.

Cool, cool, cool. Yeah.

You're a good-looking guy.
I mean, tell me,

how have you never
been on a date before?

Are you serious right now?

All right, I get it.
You're a big guy, but--

Size matters.

That's pretty funny.

It does.
I mean, I've never really had

the chance to work
on my dating skills

'cause I never
really had dates.

And loneliness was
sort of my natural habitat.

And girls aren't exactly...

attracted to guys like me.

Maybe they don't know
the real you.

It feels like they have

a pretty good idea.

Hey, 47 minutes
till your first date.

Yeah, I'm gonna need
about ten more of these.

Listen.

Shit.

As you wish.

No, no, no.
Not you, Reggie.

- Are they friends of yours?
- Not even a little bit.

Look, I need to handle this
real quick.

It shouldn't take long.

46 minutes
till my first date.

On the clock.
Got it.

They seem nice.

What's your name?

Re--Reginald Andres.

Nice to meet you, Reginald.

I'm Moira.

Moira, stop that shit, now.

Is he yours?

Reggie,
meet Moira, Penelope,

LeBron, and Isaac.

They need a couple minutes
of my time.

Oh, more than a couple,
I think.

Maurice has been bad.

LeBron and Isaac need to chat
with me out back.

How's that sound with you,
Reggie?

I--I'll be right here.

Moira and Penelope
will remain here.

Oh, that's--that's not
a problem for me.

Reggie,
it's best if you come with us.

Okay.

I'll miss you.

Reggie, let's go.

Maurice Miller,
for your defiance,

for your impertinence, look.

Look.

Get that shit outta here.

Reggie. Reginald.

Reggie. Reginald. Reginaldo.

Bonsoir, ma petit bouchée.

You smell amazing.

Do you wanna be ours?

We're happy to share.

When you say share,
what do you mean?

Leave him alone!

Damn it, Reggie.

Go away!

Maybe just a taste
before we depart.

How--how did you...

Pick's wooden.

Do you think
you can tell Sarah

I'm gonna be late for the date?

You can use my cell.

No, I can fix this, Reggie.

Okay, but I--I can't do it
without your say-so.

The decision has to be yours.

Decide?

That's right.

Decide to die now,
a few moments early.

Why would I do that?

So I can save you.

- Okay.
- Okay.

Okay. Okay.

I had the weirdest dream
last night.

- No, you're not dreaming.
- Right.

Right, right.

I get it.
I know what's happening here.

I'm still dreaming.

Like, this is the first dream
I woke up from,

and now I'm in the second one,
like it's a sequel, right?

Nah, it's not a sequel.

Of course you'd say that.
You're a projection

of my unconscious mind.

Whoa, wait a minute.

I'm not dreaming.

I'm lucid dreaming.

This can't be my blood.

I'd be dead.
- Yeah, you would be.

- You brought me here.
- Couldn't stay at the bar.

Cops were on their way.

I'm not dreaming, am I?

No.

Saint Franks.

In the alley.

Moira, Penelope, LeBron, Isaac.

I mean,
Isaac is ashes now, but...

while I was dealing with that,
Moira and Penelope got to you.

Look, Reggie,

you were gonna die, man.

I asked you if you wanted
to live and you said--

Okay.

Ooh.

But what did they want
from you?

A Regional Director sent them
with a list of complaints.

Possible sanctions.

Are--are you in sales?

Reggie, you know what I am, man.

But what did they want
from me?

Moira and Penelope like
to play with their food.

Oh, no.

No.

Vampires are not real.

They're just a story.
- Look,

you're a mother------- vampire, man.

You're undead.

You can never die.

Never grow old.

I mean, you can't die

unless someone stakes you
in the heart

or you get stranded in the sun,
but that's very, very unlikely.

Can I still eat pizza?

Yeah, go for it.
You can eat pizza.

- What about ice cream?
- Ice cream, too.

So my taste buds still taste?

I think you're putting
a little too much emphasis

on the pizza and the ice cream
right now.

But if my digestive system
works the way it did before--

Your taste buds still taste.

But what they wanna taste
most of all is blood.

It's the only thing
that nourishes you.

Every day?

No, your body will tell you
what it needs.

I'm a mother------- vampire.

Yes.

Yes, that's the spirit.

- Undead.
- Completely.

I will never age
and never grow old.

All right, now you're
just repeating what I said.

Superspeed.
Vampires have that, right?

Yeah, I mean,
some cases, but it--

I'm a mother------- vampire.

We're gonna have to workshop
that catchphrase.

Superspeed!

Whoo!

I'm a mother------- vamp--

- Do not try that again, man.
- Yeah, no shit.

Why am I breathing?
Why am I sweating?

I'm supposed to be dead.

Well, the thing
that makes us vampires,

it alters the functions
of every system.

All right,
that's how we can heal so fast.

But our organs,
they still work the same.

It's basically
just an acceleration

of your essential nature.

Okay, I was fast before.

Now I'm, like, fast-fast.

And I was strongish,
and now I'm crazy strong.

You get it.
- Wait.

Did you say superfast healing?

I have that, so that's cool.

Yeah, that's cool,
but, um...

look, the, uh...

the enhancements
of every vampire

are relative
to the condition they're in

at the time of their change.

Because the body
they die with...

is the body
they'll have forever.

Whoa, wait.

What?

I'm like this forever,

and I can't
do anything about it,

and you didn't say anything
until now?

Yeah.

Dieting isn't an option.

But was it ever?

You know what I mean.

No dieting,
all right, but look,

we got other problems, okay?

Given your shape and size--

You can say "fat."

I'm not afraid of the word.

Okay, fat. Yeah.

Being a fat vampire,

that's gonna cause
some problems

within the vampire community.

Oh, like with your friends
that I met in the parking lot?

Yeah.

Yeah, they were assholes
before they died.

Vain, bigoted,
fat-shaming bullies.

I'm not unfamiliar
with the attitude.

Okay. Okay.

So then you understand why
we gotta keep this all low-key

until I can figure out
the consequences.

Are you saying
that I may not be welcome

in the vampire community?

That they pose a threat to me?

Some things never change.

I'm gonna be like this forever.

If you always do
what you've always done,

you'll always get
what you've always got.

That's a mouthful.

Henry Ford said it.

Yeah?

Well, Henry Ford believed

Jews invented jazz
to corrupt America, so--

Point taken.

Sun's coming.

Time to go home.

I'm okay.

I'm okay.

I'm okay.

I'm okay.

I'm okay.

Ow.

Long story--

So, Reginald,
how was the big date?

Sarah's got
the late shift tonight, right?

Dinner and a movie.

That was the deal, right?

You and...

Sarah.

God, you know what
I can't figure out is

why would she waste her time
on an obvious loser like you?

I mean, unless this is like

one of those
Make-A-Wish pity parties.

Or maybe Sarah's just
a loser like you.

Keep her name
out of your mouth.

I don't care what you think
about me,

but if you ever talk shit
about Sarah again--

Take it easy, Reg.

Just kidding around.

Didn't mean any of it.

Freak!

Mmm.

Mmm, mmm.
- Oh, my.

What am I seeing here?

Binge eating disorder,
also known as BED,

is a life-threatening condition
usually accompanied

by debilitating guilt
and shame.

The good news is that there are
effective treatments,

starting with psychotherapy.

My Aunt Joyce

suffered from BED.

Therapy helped her to address
the physical, biological,

interpersonal,
and cultural forces

attributing to her condition.

I'm gonna give you the name
of her therapist.

Now, insurance is going
to be a nightmare,

and too bad you don't live
in the Netherlands.

But the important thing is

that you get
the help that you--

Reginald?

So on a scale of one
to "what the----,"

good or bad day?

Does it look like I'm having
a good day right now?

- Well, hope springs--
- Eternal?

I get it.

Like the eternal hunger
burning me inside.

I can't look at people
without seeing their veins

or smelling their blood.

- Well, they're food.
- They are not food to me.

What made you think
coming into work tonight

was a good idea?

I missed my date with Sarah
because I was being turned

into an undead creature
of the night.

I wanted to say I'm sorry.
- You need to feed, man.

Or else everyone you see

is gonna look like
a damn blood bag.

You understand me?

But I don't wanna
kill anyone.

You don't have to.

All right?
Drink what you need.

Make them forget you drank.

Just glamour yourself
some dinner.

Listen to me.

Sorry, not feeling it.

Dude, this was just
for demonstration purposes.

Vampires can't glamour
other vampires, all right?

Now you try.

Listen to me.

Nah.

No, you gotta
lean into it more.

Say it like you mean it.

- Listen to me.
- Mm.

There you go.

Look, you got this, man.

Just tap into that big brain
of yours.

How do you know
I have a big brain?

Dude, I'm your maker.

I know everything about you.

One more thing.

Until you feed,

everyone you know is at risk.

Sarah is at risk,

and I know you don't want that.

I'd rather step into the sun.

So you owe her
more than an apology.

We both know it.

What happened to you?

I thought
you were working tonight.

We need to break up.

I didn't know
we were together.

I mean,

we can't see each other anymore.

We never did see each other, though.

I don't wanna go on a date
with you anymore.

And it was a mistake to ask you
in the first place.

Okay.

Sure. Whatever.

I knew it was you
without even looking.

I'm your maker, man.

We share blood.

That's a powerful connection.

Look, wherever you are...

I know where you are.

Whatever you're feeling,

I feel it too, Reggie.

My mom and dad moved
to Hawaii.

They love the sun.

I'm never gonna see them again,
am I?

Probably not.

Did you ever see
your parents?

Yeah.

Just once.

My mom's this force
of nature.

She's the reason I got
my bachelor of science degree

in business administration.

She thought it could open
any door for me.

And the Slushy Shack
was just--

was just supposed to be
research for a term paper.

Two years later,
I'm still here.

But you stayed, huh?

Student loans are
the undead loans of loans.

They're eternal.

Yeah.

I didn't like my life much.

It was problematic
in a lot of ways, but...

I think I'm gonna miss it,
and I don't think

that feeling's ever gonna
go away.

It will, Reggie.

Trust me.

One day, your old life,
it's just gonna seem like...

Like a dream you had.

One of those lucid ones.

Are you 100% sure about that?

Yeah.

100%.

Look, a lot of these kids
never had breakfast

before we started the program.

Every grocer
in the neighborhood donates.

You need to donate.

- Angela.
- Yeah, let me call you back.

What happened there,
young soldier?

Kids wrenched open a hydrant,
playing in the water.

Cop roughed 'em up
for no good reason at all.

Guess I took exception to that.

Looks like it.

Yeah.

Yeah, wrong end
of a nightstick, what I get.

Why don't you and I
go out tonight?

Talk about what it is
that you get.

Hey, what were those, uh--
the cocktails we had?

- Mai tais.
- Yeah, yeah.

Yeah,
they got cool little umbrellas.

What is it that you want, Maurice,

out there in the world?

What is it that you want?

Justice.

And how's that going for you?

Well, how do you think?

What if I told you there was
another way to fight?

A way to break
those mother-------.

I'd want you to tell me
exactly what it was.

And then I'd break 'em.

It's a change, Maurice.

And I can do that for you.

If you give me your permission.

Is this change
something you did?

It is.

And when'd you do that?

Huh?

Let's just say

this isn't my first revolution.

Wait, what?

Angie.

Look, Angie, you didn't need
to tell me some story

if all you wanted was sex.

I'm not asking for sex, Maurice.

Well, I'm getting
some seriously mixed vibes

right now.
- Do you want to fight?

I said that. Clearly.

Do I have your permission?

Look, do what you gotta do,
but I think you're confused

what's happening here.

Do I have your permission?

Ahh.

I think I like
your origin story

better than my origin story.

What happened to Angela?

I don't wanna talk
about Angela.

Did she teach you
how to live like this?

Nah.

No, I had to learn that
on my own.

Is that a rule?

- Why?
- Well, I'm hoping

you'll teach me.

Yeah.

I can do that.

I'm also hoping
you'll be my friend.

Look, Reggie,
I got rules about friends.

Sooner or later, you know--
- Please.

Yeah.
Yeah, I can do that, too.

That night
behind the Slushy Shack...

were you going to feed on me?

Yup.

Why didn't you?

I don't know, man.

I guess I'm a--
a sucker for true romance.

We should have told her
last night.

She will not be pleased.

It's not our fault.

Maurice killed Isaac.

Off with his head.

She will understand.

And she will make him suffer.

We summoned Maurice,
as you requested.

But he ignored your command.

So I ate his companion.

- Maurice killed Isaac.
- Isaac is very much dust.

His companion tasted
of Cornish pasty.

You ate his companion?

I was hungry.

Well, did you dispose
of the body?

Maurice chased us away.

There was no time.

So you just left evidence
of your hunger

for others to find.

I fear no living man
or woman.

Do you fear me?

Justice dispensed.

Justice deserved.

- Spare us.
- Please.

Please.

Tell me about
Maurice's companion.

Page 44.
"Post-Grammy win,

a new world is opening up
for Megan Thee Stallion."

Oh.

Page 62.

"By late 1979,
Prince and the Revolution

start to play
their first club showcases."

Page 377.

Maurice.

You won't believe
what I can do.

Hi.

This may come
as a surprise to you,

and it probably interferes
with your plan

to break up with me,

even though
we were never together.

But I gave it some thought,

and I reject
your imaginary breakup

and think
that you and I need to have

an open and honest conversation

about what's going
on between us.

Because I know
how you look at me

when you think I'm not looking.

But what you don't know
is how I sometimes...

look at you.

Can I come in now, please?

- Okay.
- Okay.