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1
00:00:01,814 --> 00:00:04,301
I was friends with one of
the snakes on Medusa's head.
2
00:00:04,385 --> 00:00:06,440
I ghost wrote a novel
for Herman Melville.
3
00:00:06,524 --> 00:00:09,178
I own a Valentino
the Bear Beanie Baby.
4
00:00:09,262 --> 00:00:11,048
The lie is ghost wrote
a novel for Melville.
5
00:00:11,132 --> 00:00:13,319
Wrong.
Never owned a Valentino,
6
00:00:13,403 --> 00:00:14,889
but I wish
I jumped on that craze
7
00:00:14,973 --> 00:00:16,158
early on like my cousin.
8
00:00:16,242 --> 00:00:17,795
Now, he owns a farm
in Gloucestershire.
9
00:00:17,879 --> 00:00:18,764
- Hey.
- Hey.
10
00:00:18,848 --> 00:00:20,200
How was school?
11
00:00:20,284 --> 00:00:21,903
I got a B-plus on
my "Call of the Wild" essay.
12
00:00:21,987 --> 00:00:24,976
Ms. Rainy says I have
"wild dog" in me, like Spitz,
13
00:00:25,060 --> 00:00:26,646
but I know I'm more
of a Buck babe.
14
00:00:26,730 --> 00:00:28,015
Oh, Ms. Rainy's back.
15
00:00:28,099 --> 00:00:29,218
Well, proves my point.
16
00:00:29,302 --> 00:00:30,721
This country is cool
with lady pedos.
17
00:00:30,805 --> 00:00:33,226
- How was work?
- Bill Jr. is getting a divorce.
18
00:00:33,310 --> 00:00:34,896
- The guy with a giant head?
- Mm-hmm.
19
00:00:34,980 --> 00:00:36,833
It's like his ears are in
different time zones.
20
00:00:36,917 --> 00:00:38,336
Ugh, it's enormous.
21
00:00:38,420 --> 00:00:39,873
It's like the defense budget,
but a head.
22
00:00:39,957 --> 00:00:41,108
- [chuckles]
- Tacos for dinner?
23
00:00:41,192 --> 00:00:42,411
Tacos are fine.
24
00:00:42,495 --> 00:00:44,582
Herman wanted the line
to be "Ishmael's my name,
25
00:00:44,666 --> 00:00:45,584
don't wear it out."
26
00:00:45,668 --> 00:00:48,189
I was like
"You're a fucking dumb-ass."
27
00:00:48,273 --> 00:00:49,324
Chrissy, come on.
28
00:00:49,408 --> 00:00:51,095
What'd I say about
dirty dishes?
29
00:00:51,179 --> 00:00:52,164
Not to leave them
in the sink.
30
00:00:52,248 --> 00:00:54,001
- Yeah, well, what's this?
- Not mine.
31
00:00:54,085 --> 00:00:55,671
- Erwin?
- Oh, no, no, no.
32
00:00:55,755 --> 00:00:57,240
I've been as clean
as a house cat.
33
00:00:57,324 --> 00:00:59,278
Besides, no way I'm losing
potty privileges again.
34
00:00:59,362 --> 00:01:00,581
I didn't even use
a dish today.
35
00:01:00,665 --> 00:01:02,418
Had a bowl of Coco Poofties
for brekkie.
36
00:01:02,502 --> 00:01:03,754
You had eggs.
It could be yours.
37
00:01:03,838 --> 00:01:05,724
Well, I'm not the one
who drops turkey slices
38
00:01:05,808 --> 00:01:07,662
behind her bed and doesn't
notice until the cockroaches
39
00:01:07,746 --> 00:01:08,530
move in, so...
40
00:01:08,614 --> 00:01:10,701
Um, you leave ogre intestines
41
00:01:10,785 --> 00:01:11,903
hanging in the garage.
42
00:01:11,987 --> 00:01:12,939
The rats love that stuff.
43
00:01:13,023 --> 00:01:14,409
The smell wards off creatures
44
00:01:14,493 --> 00:01:16,312
who are trying to kill
my daughter.
45
00:01:16,396 --> 00:01:17,748
Use a dish, wash it after.
46
00:01:17,832 --> 00:01:18,851
It's really not my dish.
47
00:01:18,935 --> 00:01:20,554
I'm gonna have to get
this place fumigated
48
00:01:20,638 --> 00:01:22,023
- for the third time this month.
- We got an ETA on the tacos?
49
00:01:22,107 --> 00:01:24,863
Isn't it kinda weird that an
anarchist who rewires
50
00:01:24,947 --> 00:01:27,267
street meters because she
doesn't believe in paying
51
00:01:27,351 --> 00:01:29,639
for parking is obsessed with
house rules?
52
00:01:29,723 --> 00:01:31,108
Obsessed?
53
00:01:31,192 --> 00:01:32,645
Sweetie, look around.
Do I have a choice?
54
00:01:32,729 --> 00:01:35,316
It's just like, at Dad's,
we don't even use dishes.
55
00:01:35,400 --> 00:01:37,220
We eat raw plankton
out of skulls.
56
00:01:37,304 --> 00:01:39,291
Okay.
Well, we live in suburgatory.
57
00:01:39,375 --> 00:01:40,594
Your choice, not mine.
58
00:01:40,678 --> 00:01:41,963
And here,
we take out the trash.
59
00:01:42,047 --> 00:01:43,467
We do laundry. We clean dishes.
60
00:01:43,551 --> 00:01:45,704
Maybe you fixate
on things like dishes,
61
00:01:45,788 --> 00:01:48,142
because you have no life
outside of me and this house,
62
00:01:48,226 --> 00:01:49,344
- you know?
- All right.
63
00:01:49,428 --> 00:01:50,881
Well, we've all made
some great points.
64
00:01:50,965 --> 00:01:52,885
Um, no life? Okay.
65
00:01:52,969 --> 00:01:54,288
Yeah. Loosen up.
66
00:01:54,372 --> 00:01:55,491
- Find a hobby.
- Well, you know what?
67
00:01:55,575 --> 00:01:56,927
I could take up cross-stitch
68
00:01:57,011 --> 00:01:59,298
if you weren't out taking
Kraken carriage joy rides
69
00:01:59,382 --> 00:02:00,868
and destroying realms.
70
00:02:00,952 --> 00:02:02,137
What's that supposed to mean?
71
00:02:02,221 --> 00:02:04,174
Contribute to
the normal life you wanted
72
00:02:04,258 --> 00:02:05,811
or accept that
you're not cut out for it.
73
00:02:05,895 --> 00:02:09,719
Because you are becoming more
like the devil every day.
74
00:02:09,803 --> 00:02:11,188
I'd rather be like him.
75
00:02:11,272 --> 00:02:13,460
He enjoys life, embraces mess.
76
00:02:13,544 --> 00:02:15,263
He's not bitter all the time.
77
00:02:15,347 --> 00:02:18,286
Maybe if you were more like him,
I'd like you more.
78
00:02:20,692 --> 00:02:21,676
Huh.
79
00:02:21,760 --> 00:02:22,812
I-I ever tell you guys
about the time
80
00:02:22,896 --> 00:02:25,383
- I pooped myself at an equinox?
- Okay.
81
00:02:25,467 --> 00:02:26,586
- Don't clean the dish.
- Great.
82
00:02:26,670 --> 00:02:27,588
Thank God.
83
00:02:27,672 --> 00:02:28,690
It was in Zumba
during "Despacito."
84
00:02:28,774 --> 00:02:29,626
You know what?
85
00:02:29,710 --> 00:02:30,661
Fuck dishes altogether,
right?
86
00:02:30,745 --> 00:02:31,763
- Come on.
- Yeah, no, no, no.
87
00:02:31,847 --> 00:02:33,266
Fuck the laundry.
88
00:02:33,350 --> 00:02:35,704
Let's get a little
down and dirty, huh?
89
00:02:35,788 --> 00:02:37,942
I had to take a shower
with my clothes on.
90
00:02:38,026 --> 00:02:40,681
So you're gonna act like
a teen in a John Hughes movie
91
00:02:40,765 --> 00:02:42,852
because I hurt your
big mommy feelings?
92
00:02:42,936 --> 00:02:45,290
Hey, I'm just taking a page
from the Devil's handbook, baby.
93
00:02:45,374 --> 00:02:48,329
That's what you wanted, right?
94
00:02:48,413 --> 00:02:49,499
Where are you going?
95
00:02:49,583 --> 00:02:51,402
To eat Coco Poofties
in my room,
96
00:02:51,486 --> 00:02:53,440
away from the psycho bitch.
97
00:02:53,524 --> 00:02:55,611
Wouldn't a more fitting meal
for a gross, messy demon
98
00:02:55,695 --> 00:02:57,648
be these high-protein roaches?
99
00:02:57,732 --> 00:03:01,656
You and your dad eat them fried
or � la mode?
100
00:03:01,740 --> 00:03:02,658
Fine. Okay.
101
00:03:02,742 --> 00:03:04,194
We're doing this.
ERWIN: We don't have to.
102
00:03:04,278 --> 00:03:05,396
You wanna know how
we do it at Dad's,
103
00:03:05,480 --> 00:03:07,067
good old-fashioned demon style?
104
00:03:07,151 --> 00:03:08,737
I'd fucking love to.
[glass shatters]
105
00:03:08,821 --> 00:03:10,306
We throw pickles on the floor.
ERWIN: I just bought those
106
00:03:10,390 --> 00:03:11,843
- pickles.
- Then we lick it up
107
00:03:11,927 --> 00:03:13,112
with our lizard tongues.
108
00:03:13,196 --> 00:03:14,549
[otherworldly warbling]
109
00:03:14,633 --> 00:03:16,486
Oh, honey, you seem upset.
110
00:03:16,570 --> 00:03:17,788
Isn't this what you wanted?
111
00:03:17,872 --> 00:03:20,059
Or should I go back to
sacrificing my happiness
112
00:03:20,143 --> 00:03:21,763
- for your selfish needs?
- Oh, no.
113
00:03:21,847 --> 00:03:22,932
I love this change.
114
00:03:23,016 --> 00:03:24,969
In fact, I'll make you dinner.
115
00:03:25,053 --> 00:03:26,338
How's about rat?
116
00:03:26,422 --> 00:03:28,543
They're diseased, rabid,
and hate-filled, like you.
117
00:03:28,627 --> 00:03:30,881
Oh, that's funny,
because roaches are like you.
118
00:03:30,965 --> 00:03:32,785
You know, they eat human flesh?
ERWIN: Really?
119
00:03:32,869 --> 00:03:34,522
Even if you feed them,
care for them,
120
00:03:34,606 --> 00:03:35,991
they'll chew right through you.
121
00:03:36,075 --> 00:03:38,062
How 'bout we eat buffet style?
122
00:03:38,146 --> 00:03:39,097
Yeah!
123
00:03:39,181 --> 00:03:41,001
[spell casting]
124
00:03:41,085 --> 00:03:42,872
Oh, I love a buffet.
125
00:03:42,956 --> 00:03:45,076
ERWIN: Buffets are cesspools
for... oh, oh, God.
126
00:03:45,160 --> 00:03:47,380
Whoa.
127
00:03:47,464 --> 00:03:49,485
DARLENE: Hey, Laura,
I have an insane hangover.
128
00:03:49,569 --> 00:03:50,721
Do you have any pickles?
129
00:03:50,805 --> 00:03:52,257
Oh. They're on the floor.
Okay.
130
00:03:52,341 --> 00:03:53,560
Oh, hey, Darlene,
131
00:03:53,644 --> 00:03:55,631
have you met the chill
new fuhrer in town?
132
00:03:55,715 --> 00:03:57,668
Say hi to the demon
that lives in my house.
133
00:03:57,752 --> 00:03:59,304
Oh, jeez,
I haven't felt this uneasy
134
00:03:59,388 --> 00:04:00,607
since my divorce attorney
135
00:04:00,691 --> 00:04:01,876
asked me to read her screenplay.
136
00:04:01,960 --> 00:04:03,714
Darlene, get out of here.
Chrissy: Uh, no.
137
00:04:03,798 --> 00:04:05,350
You can do whatever you want,
Darlene.
138
00:04:05,434 --> 00:04:06,519
ERWIN:
Go. Definitely go.
139
00:04:06,603 --> 00:04:07,988
You're like
a roided out toddler.
140
00:04:08,072 --> 00:04:10,461
The only thing you're good at
is breaking shit.
141
00:04:10,545 --> 00:04:12,465
I'm the destroyer?
Right, right.
142
00:04:12,549 --> 00:04:13,600
After what you did
to your friend?
143
00:04:13,684 --> 00:04:15,771
Don't you fucking go there.
144
00:04:15,855 --> 00:04:16,906
Oh, what?
145
00:04:16,990 --> 00:04:18,209
Don't talk about how you
turned your best friend
146
00:04:18,293 --> 00:04:20,380
into a fucking blob monster?
147
00:04:20,464 --> 00:04:21,516
You asshole!
148
00:04:21,600 --> 00:04:23,520
- Oh, God! Ladies!
- Okay.
149
00:04:23,604 --> 00:04:25,123
You wanna be
a full-blown demon?
150
00:04:25,207 --> 00:04:26,426
I'll treat you like one!
151
00:04:26,510 --> 00:04:27,762
Bring it on, bitch!
152
00:04:27,846 --> 00:04:28,964
This is war!
153
00:04:29,048 --> 00:04:30,634
[spell casting]
154
00:04:30,718 --> 00:04:32,203
Oh, I think
I just wet myself.
155
00:04:32,287 --> 00:04:33,640
Equinox all over again.
156
00:04:33,724 --> 00:04:39,468
[dramatic orchestral music]
157
00:04:42,709 --> 00:04:43,727
So then, I said "Lighten up.
158
00:04:43,811 --> 00:04:45,263
What is this,
a fricking funeral?"
159
00:04:45,347 --> 00:04:47,802
It was, but still.
160
00:04:47,886 --> 00:04:49,839
Whoa. Cool.
161
00:04:49,923 --> 00:04:51,810
And that's why
I'm signing this bill to
162
00:04:51,894 --> 00:04:54,047
shut down Italian restaurants
that have lied to me
163
00:04:54,131 --> 00:04:56,185
about their wait time.
164
00:04:56,269 --> 00:04:57,353
Oh, shit!
165
00:04:57,437 --> 00:04:58,289
I gotta see what
they're feeding on.
166
00:04:58,373 --> 00:05:03,633
[dramatic music]
167
00:05:03,717 --> 00:05:05,403
CHRISSY: Bite her. Bite her.
168
00:05:05,487 --> 00:05:06,706
Ladies, please.
169
00:05:06,790 --> 00:05:08,543
Please, let's just
take a breath,
170
00:05:08,627 --> 00:05:09,879
with a gas mask or something,
171
00:05:09,963 --> 00:05:11,115
'cause it smells like shit
in here.
172
00:05:11,199 --> 00:05:12,350
Stay out of this, Darlene.
173
00:05:12,434 --> 00:05:14,054
[spell casting]
174
00:05:14,138 --> 00:05:17,260
[shouting] Hey!
Watch where you're poking me!
175
00:05:17,344 --> 00:05:19,932
CHRISSY: My roaches are gonna
eat your rats' heart out.
176
00:05:20,016 --> 00:05:23,907
And my rats are going to
rain hellfire on your roaches.
177
00:05:23,991 --> 00:05:26,980
Rats, turn her room into
a fucking poop palace.
178
00:05:27,064 --> 00:05:29,519
No! Roaches, to our room.
179
00:05:29,603 --> 00:05:32,023
If they touch my stuff,
I'll torch your weed.
180
00:05:32,107 --> 00:05:33,092
You don't know
where it all is.
181
00:05:33,176 --> 00:05:34,629
Don't rest easy, old woman.
182
00:05:34,713 --> 00:05:35,898
This shit ain't done.
183
00:05:35,982 --> 00:05:37,033
It's only just begun.
184
00:05:37,117 --> 00:05:38,537
Oh, don't you fucking
rhyme with me.
185
00:05:38,621 --> 00:05:39,772
Well, then bend the knee.
186
00:05:39,856 --> 00:05:41,375
- Or would you rather flee?
- Ahh!
187
00:05:41,459 --> 00:05:42,445
Climb a tree.
CHRISSY: Ahh!
188
00:05:42,529 --> 00:05:43,513
I hope you don't have to pee.
189
00:05:43,597 --> 00:05:45,216
She'll tire herself out.
190
00:05:45,300 --> 00:05:47,421
Roaches,
kill every rat on site.
191
00:05:47,505 --> 00:05:50,059
- Protect my stuffies!
- ...to Mackamagee?
192
00:05:50,143 --> 00:05:52,498
Hot dogs. Get your hot dogs.
193
00:05:52,582 --> 00:05:53,767
I should call my husband.
194
00:05:53,851 --> 00:05:54,769
He loves
mother-daughter fights.
195
00:05:54,853 --> 00:05:55,904
Hey, 20 bucks on the kid?
196
00:05:55,988 --> 00:05:57,340
We've got six grand
on the mom.
197
00:05:57,424 --> 00:05:58,677
She's a cold-blooded
psychopath.
198
00:05:58,761 --> 00:06:00,614
Oh, God.
Thanks for coming so quick.
199
00:06:00,698 --> 00:06:02,383
I know you're still torn up
about Chrissy
200
00:06:02,467 --> 00:06:04,221
turning you into
a conjoined Stay Puft man.
201
00:06:04,305 --> 00:06:05,624
Yeah.
202
00:06:05,708 --> 00:06:06,860
At first, I was gonna
ignore your text.
203
00:06:06,944 --> 00:06:08,530
But then, I woke up
in the fetal position
204
00:06:08,614 --> 00:06:09,932
with an intense pang of guilt.
205
00:06:10,016 --> 00:06:12,103
So I came here.
What's happening now?
206
00:06:12,187 --> 00:06:14,241
Laura and Chrissy both
retreated to separate parts
207
00:06:14,325 --> 00:06:15,309
of the house
where they're working on
208
00:06:15,393 --> 00:06:16,646
their next plans of attack.
209
00:06:16,730 --> 00:06:18,349
So we gotta talk them
off the ledge
210
00:06:18,433 --> 00:06:19,619
before things go any further.
211
00:06:19,703 --> 00:06:20,687
We do?
212
00:06:20,771 --> 00:06:22,157
If they walk themselves
to the ledge,
213
00:06:22,241 --> 00:06:24,127
don't you think they should
find their own way down?
214
00:06:24,211 --> 00:06:25,497
No way.
As their friends,
215
00:06:25,581 --> 00:06:27,033
it's our job
to be waiting below
216
00:06:27,117 --> 00:06:29,705
with a giant trampoline
so they bounce when they fall,
217
00:06:29,789 --> 00:06:32,310
instead of explode
into a bloody mess.
218
00:06:32,394 --> 00:06:33,547
Okay.
219
00:06:33,631 --> 00:06:35,417
But let's not jump
to conclusions.
220
00:06:35,501 --> 00:06:36,920
It might not be as serious
as you...
221
00:06:37,004 --> 00:06:38,990
[shrieking]
222
00:06:39,074 --> 00:06:42,631
Soldiers, I've gathered you
all here today for a purpose.
223
00:06:42,715 --> 00:06:45,637
No longer shall I live
under the hand of a tyrant.
224
00:06:45,721 --> 00:06:47,541
She may be a stone-cold bitch
225
00:06:47,625 --> 00:06:49,612
with a seemingly unbreakable
shell,
226
00:06:49,696 --> 00:06:52,116
but even that devil dog,
Spitz, in "Call of the Wild"
227
00:06:52,200 --> 00:06:53,385
had his weak spot.
228
00:06:53,469 --> 00:06:57,728
He had no imagination,
no cunning, like Buck, the hero.
229
00:06:57,812 --> 00:06:59,732
We will psychologically
break her.
230
00:06:59,816 --> 00:07:02,136
We will bite down on her leg.
231
00:07:02,220 --> 00:07:03,807
She will beg for mercy.
232
00:07:03,891 --> 00:07:06,412
And we will give her none!
233
00:07:06,496 --> 00:07:07,748
We are Buck!
234
00:07:07,832 --> 00:07:11,388
And we will defeat her!
235
00:07:11,472 --> 00:07:13,510
?? ??
236
00:07:44,939 --> 00:07:46,492
LAURA: My estimation,
she takes a bowel movement
237
00:07:46,576 --> 00:07:47,761
every three hours.
238
00:07:47,845 --> 00:07:49,582
Let's lock off the bathroom,
people.
239
00:07:51,452 --> 00:07:53,607
Ah, yes.
240
00:07:53,691 --> 00:07:56,111
Prima, Hilda, you've done well.
241
00:07:56,195 --> 00:07:57,113
You're the adult...
242
00:07:57,197 --> 00:07:58,883
Shouldn't you
take the high road?
243
00:07:58,967 --> 00:08:00,687
If I allow her
to bulldoze me,
244
00:08:00,771 --> 00:08:02,925
the little power I have over her
will vanish.
245
00:08:03,009 --> 00:08:05,664
I'll become nothing more
than a limp, wet chode.
246
00:08:05,748 --> 00:08:09,304
She must...
She will bend the knee.
247
00:08:09,388 --> 00:08:12,811
I hate to admit it,
but I am rock hard right now.
248
00:08:12,895 --> 00:08:14,615
CHRISSY:
Where the fuck is my phone?
249
00:08:14,699 --> 00:08:16,586
Back down,
Chrissy Feinberg,
250
00:08:16,670 --> 00:08:18,523
or I delete
your Shitsta account.
251
00:08:18,607 --> 00:08:20,594
CHRISSY:
I'll never back down, hag!
252
00:08:20,678 --> 00:08:21,529
[phone chimes]
LAURA: Deleted!
253
00:08:21,613 --> 00:08:22,498
CHRISSY: [shrieks]
254
00:08:22,582 --> 00:08:23,867
You bitch!
255
00:08:23,951 --> 00:08:25,470
Say goodbye to your weed!
[crowd cheering]
256
00:08:25,554 --> 00:08:26,973
MAN: I'm gonna fuck this weed!
257
00:08:27,057 --> 00:08:28,008
That's it!
258
00:08:28,092 --> 00:08:30,414
Your phone's gonna
see you in hell.
259
00:08:30,498 --> 00:08:31,883
[gunshot]
260
00:08:31,967 --> 00:08:34,254
Her mom is stone cold,
and I respect and love it.
261
00:08:34,338 --> 00:08:36,559
- Gut-wrenchingly iconic.
- We love a bitch.
262
00:08:36,643 --> 00:08:37,695
I stand corrected.
263
00:08:37,779 --> 00:08:39,364
Things are sufficiently
heated up.
264
00:08:39,448 --> 00:08:40,834
Time for action.
265
00:08:40,918 --> 00:08:43,005
Ooh, since inside's
a germ-riddled kill zone,
266
00:08:43,089 --> 00:08:45,510
we're gonna mediate
the situation from out here.
267
00:08:45,594 --> 00:08:47,046
I did get high school
guidance counselor
268
00:08:47,130 --> 00:08:48,450
on an online career quiz.
269
00:08:48,534 --> 00:08:50,821
We just need to wait for the
rest of our party to get here.
270
00:08:50,905 --> 00:08:52,190
- The rest of our...
- Boom shakalaka,
271
00:08:52,274 --> 00:08:53,593
you trick-ass hoes.
272
00:08:53,677 --> 00:08:55,062
- Daddy's here.
- No.
273
00:08:55,146 --> 00:08:57,701
- You called him to help?
- Desperate times, hun.
274
00:08:57,785 --> 00:08:59,505
But he always has
ulterior motives.
275
00:08:59,589 --> 00:09:00,607
I learned my lesson with him.
276
00:09:00,691 --> 00:09:02,276
Ha! You sure did.
277
00:09:02,360 --> 00:09:04,949
And once Chrissy offs her mom,
which, by the looks of it,
278
00:09:05,033 --> 00:09:07,888
she will,
nothing's standing in the way
279
00:09:07,972 --> 00:09:10,427
of good old Maximus Dawnus.
280
00:09:10,511 --> 00:09:12,196
I'm just gonna make sure
it's a lock.
281
00:09:12,280 --> 00:09:13,767
Toodle-oo, double dongs.
282
00:09:13,851 --> 00:09:15,804
Okay, Mr. Mephistopheles
isn't helping.
283
00:09:15,888 --> 00:09:18,042
But no sweat, because this
is gonna be easier than...
284
00:09:18,126 --> 00:09:20,965
CHRISSY: Hey, fuckwad!
Check out V-Bone.
285
00:09:24,839 --> 00:09:26,826
Guess you can't drive away
from this problem!
286
00:09:26,910 --> 00:09:28,262
MAN: Skidang!
WOMAN: Girls got puns.
287
00:09:28,346 --> 00:09:30,801
Well, good luck getting
anywhere now, freeloader.
288
00:09:30,885 --> 00:09:33,072
I'm gonna burn all your
stuffies, starting with Maude!
289
00:09:33,156 --> 00:09:35,877
CHRISSY: You touch her,
I'll torch your Tempur-Pedic!
290
00:09:35,961 --> 00:09:38,683
[uplifting rock music]
291
00:09:38,767 --> 00:09:43,392
?? ??
292
00:09:43,476 --> 00:09:44,895
What the fuck do you want?
293
00:09:44,979 --> 00:09:46,966
[sighs] Okay. Cool.
Uh, we got their attention.
294
00:09:47,050 --> 00:09:48,135
So we could just...
[feedback blares]
295
00:09:48,219 --> 00:09:49,304
Um, hi.
296
00:09:49,388 --> 00:09:50,272
It's me, Bennigan.
297
00:09:50,356 --> 00:09:51,409
LAURA: Yes, we know.
298
00:09:51,493 --> 00:09:52,511
Right. [Chuckles]
299
00:09:52,595 --> 00:09:53,980
Hi, Chrissy.
300
00:09:54,064 --> 00:09:54,982
Hey, Bennigan.
301
00:09:55,066 --> 00:09:56,084
Um, okay.
302
00:09:56,168 --> 00:09:58,122
First things first,
are you injured?
303
00:09:58,206 --> 00:10:00,359
- BOTH: No.
- You're doing great, sweetie.
304
00:10:00,443 --> 00:10:02,798
Um, well,
I'm still mad at you, Chrissy,
305
00:10:02,882 --> 00:10:04,468
for obvious reasons.
306
00:10:04,552 --> 00:10:06,405
But I don't want you
to get hurt.
307
00:10:06,489 --> 00:10:08,008
I... I think that'd suck.
308
00:10:08,092 --> 00:10:08,977
[crowd awws]
309
00:10:09,061 --> 00:10:10,614
MAN:
Short speech, but effective!
310
00:10:10,698 --> 00:10:12,818
Yeah. Hi, gals. Darlene here.
311
00:10:12,902 --> 00:10:14,455
So you wanna rip each
other's heads off.
312
00:10:14,539 --> 00:10:15,857
It's what happens with family.
313
00:10:15,941 --> 00:10:17,895
I mean, one time
my eldest son Trevor
314
00:10:17,979 --> 00:10:20,066
got so mad after I told him
he couldn't watch
315
00:10:20,150 --> 00:10:22,336
"Sex, Lies, and Videotape"
that he ran away
316
00:10:22,420 --> 00:10:24,875
and I found him playing craps
with Duncan Sheik...
317
00:10:24,959 --> 00:10:28,148
The point is, it's difficult
between you two right now,
318
00:10:28,232 --> 00:10:29,919
but you love each other.
319
00:10:30,003 --> 00:10:31,522
Remember that time
you helped your mom
320
00:10:31,606 --> 00:10:33,092
get all those leeches
off of her?
321
00:10:33,176 --> 00:10:36,632
After she purposely used them
to infiltrate the PTA moms?
322
00:10:36,716 --> 00:10:38,803
Yep!
She says she puts me first?
323
00:10:38,887 --> 00:10:41,041
Bullshit!
She's Hitler with boobs.
324
00:10:41,125 --> 00:10:41,876
She's Titler!
325
00:10:41,960 --> 00:10:43,078
And now you're putting down
326
00:10:43,162 --> 00:10:44,982
your Jewish heritage?
So cool of you.
327
00:10:45,066 --> 00:10:46,318
CHRISSY: What heritage?
328
00:10:46,402 --> 00:10:48,723
You said Elijah was a waste
of good wine.
329
00:10:48,807 --> 00:10:50,076
LAURA: I stand by that.
330
00:11:34,064 --> 00:11:36,853
SATAN: Time for the escalator
to escalate.
331
00:11:36,937 --> 00:11:38,456
Hey, dipshit.
It's Satan.
332
00:11:38,540 --> 00:11:40,827
Tell me where I can find the
worst shit on Laura,
333
00:11:40,911 --> 00:11:42,998
something that'll make Chrissy
go fucking nuts,
334
00:11:43,082 --> 00:11:45,269
or I'll crawl into your brain
and rewire it,
335
00:11:45,353 --> 00:11:47,206
so every time
you touch your butthole,
336
00:11:47,290 --> 00:11:49,445
it feels like
you're covered in lava.
337
00:11:49,529 --> 00:11:51,131
Ah, fuck.
338
00:11:54,505 --> 00:11:55,524
Ladies, look.
I have two daughters,
339
00:11:55,608 --> 00:11:56,692
two wives, a mother,
340
00:11:56,776 --> 00:11:58,228
and multiple
close female friends.
341
00:11:58,312 --> 00:12:01,234
So how about you both stop
torturing yourselves
342
00:12:01,318 --> 00:12:02,571
and eat something?
343
00:12:02,655 --> 00:12:04,408
Why don't you remember the
time that you peed your pants
344
00:12:04,492 --> 00:12:05,410
in front of the whole town?
345
00:12:05,494 --> 00:12:06,512
CHRISSY: Shut up, old man!
346
00:12:06,596 --> 00:12:08,783
Uh, thank you, Mayor.
MAN: He's a genius.
347
00:12:08,867 --> 00:12:11,221
Come on, you're being too hard
on each other.
348
00:12:11,305 --> 00:12:12,991
Chrissy, I know your mom cares
about you
349
00:12:13,075 --> 00:12:14,762
more than anything in the world.
350
00:12:14,846 --> 00:12:16,532
She infiltrated the PTA
351
00:12:16,616 --> 00:12:18,937
to show you those moms
didn't have doodoo on her.
352
00:12:19,021 --> 00:12:20,607
And Laura,
Chrissy cares about you
353
00:12:20,691 --> 00:12:22,076
more than you realize.
354
00:12:22,160 --> 00:12:23,746
She's a teenage Antichrist.
355
00:12:23,830 --> 00:12:27,053
Every day she chooses to fight
her nature and stay with you.
356
00:12:27,137 --> 00:12:29,090
Look, Chrissy, Darlene is
right about the PTA moms.
357
00:12:29,174 --> 00:12:31,161
I did that for you, mostly.
358
00:12:31,245 --> 00:12:33,733
- I always put you first.
- Okay, you put me first once.
359
00:12:33,817 --> 00:12:34,802
Great.
360
00:12:34,886 --> 00:12:36,004
But don't get a big head
about it.
361
00:12:36,088 --> 00:12:38,275
A big head, like
Bill head, big fucking...
362
00:12:38,359 --> 00:12:39,344
Big head... big bitch?
363
00:12:39,428 --> 00:12:41,214
[laughs, snorts]
That wasn't a laugh.
364
00:12:41,298 --> 00:12:43,018
That wasn't a fucking laugh.
Don't look at me.
365
00:12:43,102 --> 00:12:44,287
Now, we're getting somewhere.
366
00:12:44,371 --> 00:12:46,826
Time to hit 'em them some
'roke to clinch them.
367
00:12:46,910 --> 00:12:48,061
["Islands in the Stream"
playing]
368
00:12:48,145 --> 00:12:50,366
Oh, classic.
?? Islands in the stream ??
369
00:12:50,450 --> 00:12:51,969
Listen up, cucarachas.
370
00:12:52,053 --> 00:12:54,307
Sounds like we're a song away
from a mother-daughter
371
00:12:54,391 --> 00:12:55,710
"Shallow" duet,
372
00:12:55,794 --> 00:12:57,179
so we don't have much time.
373
00:12:57,263 --> 00:12:59,217
We're entering the lair
of the wicked witch
374
00:12:59,301 --> 00:13:00,921
to obtain
a heavily-guarded weapon
375
00:13:01,005 --> 00:13:02,958
of mass emotional destruction.
376
00:13:03,042 --> 00:13:06,197
So get your thoraxes in gear
so we can end this war
377
00:13:06,281 --> 00:13:08,636
in your disease-riddled favor.
378
00:13:08,720 --> 00:13:10,674
All right, get in there, guys.
379
00:13:10,758 --> 00:13:13,830
[dramatic music]
380
00:13:16,736 --> 00:13:18,105
SATAN: Second wave!
381
00:13:19,709 --> 00:13:21,394
SATAN:
Ignore the dead!
382
00:13:21,478 --> 00:13:24,702
?? ??
383
00:13:24,786 --> 00:13:27,240
SATAN:
Bring it home, boys!
384
00:13:27,324 --> 00:13:34,237
?? ??
385
00:13:38,479 --> 00:13:40,049
What's this?
386
00:13:42,120 --> 00:13:44,708
"I think I've found a way
to solve all my problems."
387
00:13:44,792 --> 00:13:47,681
[ominous music]
388
00:13:47,765 --> 00:13:51,288
?? ??
389
00:13:51,372 --> 00:13:52,524
CHRISSY: Laura?
390
00:13:52,608 --> 00:13:53,493
Laura, where are you?
391
00:13:53,577 --> 00:13:54,561
LAURA: I'm here.
392
00:13:54,645 --> 00:13:55,830
I'm right here.
393
00:13:55,914 --> 00:13:57,166
Look, things got
out of hand, okay?
394
00:13:57,250 --> 00:13:59,337
But I'm ready to call it quits
if you are.
395
00:13:59,421 --> 00:14:01,542
"Got the two pounds
of Sphinx flesh, check.
396
00:14:01,626 --> 00:14:03,145
Baryonic matter, check."
397
00:14:03,229 --> 00:14:04,415
Wha... where did you get...
398
00:14:04,499 --> 00:14:06,251
"With this Posterum spell,
I can go back
399
00:14:06,335 --> 00:14:08,556
"and forget I ever met
that sick bastard,
400
00:14:08,640 --> 00:14:09,758
forget I ever had a kid."
401
00:14:09,842 --> 00:14:10,961
Okay, let me explain.
402
00:14:11,045 --> 00:14:12,330
"Forget I ever had a kid"?
403
00:14:12,414 --> 00:14:14,435
- What is this?
- That? What is that?
404
00:14:14,519 --> 00:14:15,937
That is just
my journal from when
405
00:14:16,021 --> 00:14:17,306
I was in a very dark place,
406
00:14:17,390 --> 00:14:19,010
drinking lots of tequila.
None of it's real.
407
00:14:19,094 --> 00:14:21,247
Tell me about this
Posterum spell, now.
408
00:14:21,331 --> 00:14:23,085
It was just some silly spell
this old which sold me
409
00:14:23,169 --> 00:14:24,688
when you were four
and we were on the ferry
410
00:14:24,772 --> 00:14:25,824
from Thunder Bay to Waukesha.
411
00:14:25,908 --> 00:14:27,527
I'm sure you're too young
to even remember.
412
00:14:27,611 --> 00:14:28,997
And the spell?
413
00:14:29,081 --> 00:14:31,167
It... you know, it was supposed
to reverse time
414
00:14:31,251 --> 00:14:33,973
and take me back to before
I ever met your father.
415
00:14:34,057 --> 00:14:36,111
And before you ever had me.
416
00:14:36,195 --> 00:14:37,914
Well, technically, yeah, but...
417
00:14:37,998 --> 00:14:39,585
Erase me from your life
418
00:14:39,669 --> 00:14:42,089
so you could start a new life
without me.
419
00:14:42,173 --> 00:14:43,125
That's putting me first?
420
00:14:43,209 --> 00:14:44,461
At the time,
I thought I was doing
421
00:14:44,545 --> 00:14:46,064
what was best
for the both of us.
422
00:14:46,148 --> 00:14:47,299
We'd been on the run for years,
423
00:14:47,383 --> 00:14:49,404
living off of beans
and food scraps.
424
00:14:49,488 --> 00:14:50,473
You were starving.
425
00:14:50,557 --> 00:14:52,310
- Jesus fuck.
- But the spell didn't work.
426
00:14:52,394 --> 00:14:54,047
So yay.
And... and I regret...
427
00:14:54,131 --> 00:14:56,184
You actually tried?
428
00:14:56,268 --> 00:14:58,623
Why would you even try,
429
00:14:58,707 --> 00:15:00,427
on your own fucking daughter?
430
00:15:00,511 --> 00:15:01,562
- I...
- Why?
431
00:15:01,646 --> 00:15:02,631
- I...
- Why?
432
00:15:02,715 --> 00:15:05,386
Because your birth
felt like my death.
433
00:15:06,589 --> 00:15:07,941
I mean, no.
434
00:15:08,025 --> 00:15:09,478
I didn't... I didn't mean that.
435
00:15:09,562 --> 00:15:12,517
You evil fucking cunt!
436
00:15:12,601 --> 00:15:15,490
[exciting music]
437
00:15:15,574 --> 00:15:17,343
?? ??
438
00:15:20,984 --> 00:15:22,437
SATAN: Incoming.
439
00:15:22,521 --> 00:15:24,708
This is what I'm talking about,
baby.
440
00:15:24,792 --> 00:15:27,481
[growling]
441
00:15:27,565 --> 00:15:28,883
I feel alive!
442
00:15:28,967 --> 00:15:30,620
Ow!
443
00:15:30,704 --> 00:15:33,225
Here comes daddy.
444
00:15:33,309 --> 00:15:34,661
WOMAN: Oh, my God!
WOMAN: Shit!
445
00:15:34,745 --> 00:15:36,599
So this is how it ends,
446
00:15:36,683 --> 00:15:38,569
with a bang, not a whimper.
447
00:15:38,653 --> 00:15:40,072
Huh, TS Eliot was wrong.
448
00:15:40,156 --> 00:15:41,960
Well, at least he was good
in "Road House."
449
00:15:44,832 --> 00:15:47,754
[dramatic music]
450
00:15:47,838 --> 00:15:50,994
?? ??
451
00:15:51,078 --> 00:15:54,184
[shrieking]
452
00:16:30,724 --> 00:16:33,378
Fuck you!
453
00:16:33,462 --> 00:16:36,251
You robbed me of a childhood
and fucked me for life.
454
00:16:36,335 --> 00:16:37,854
You did it out of spite.
455
00:16:37,938 --> 00:16:39,257
I hate you!
456
00:16:39,341 --> 00:16:40,511
[shrieks]
457
00:16:43,583 --> 00:16:47,607
[eerie music]
458
00:16:47,691 --> 00:16:52,568
[ethereal laughter]
459
00:16:54,505 --> 00:16:55,423
Wait.
460
00:16:55,507 --> 00:16:57,326
I don't... how does this...
SATAN: [chuckles]
461
00:16:57,410 --> 00:16:59,465
Nothing a little divine
intervention couldn't fix.
462
00:16:59,549 --> 00:17:01,100
I told you.
I told you it was a bad idea
463
00:17:01,184 --> 00:17:02,102
- to invite him.
- Listen,
464
00:17:02,186 --> 00:17:03,706
I was giving him a shot.
465
00:17:03,790 --> 00:17:04,675
Everyone has layers.
466
00:17:04,759 --> 00:17:05,810
I don't.
467
00:17:05,894 --> 00:17:08,014
Later, losers.
468
00:17:08,098 --> 00:17:09,618
This family keeps showing us
who they are
469
00:17:09,702 --> 00:17:12,022
and somehow we keep expecting
something different from them.
470
00:17:12,106 --> 00:17:13,459
People can change, Benny.
471
00:17:13,543 --> 00:17:15,229
Clearly, this family can't.
472
00:17:15,313 --> 00:17:16,765
And ever since they moved here,
473
00:17:16,849 --> 00:17:18,669
it feels like I've been living
in service of their lives.
474
00:17:18,753 --> 00:17:20,339
Even when we have our own thing
going on,
475
00:17:20,423 --> 00:17:23,412
they find a way to make it
about them.
476
00:17:23,496 --> 00:17:25,182
You know what? You're right.
477
00:17:25,266 --> 00:17:26,619
Screw this. Hey.
478
00:17:26,703 --> 00:17:28,656
How about we go
enact our independence
479
00:17:28,740 --> 00:17:30,827
on the karaoke machine
at Gumbo Sheena's?
480
00:17:30,911 --> 00:17:32,062
[chuckles] Sold.
481
00:17:32,146 --> 00:17:33,131
But dibs on "Total Eclipse."
482
00:17:33,215 --> 00:17:35,470
Bonnie Tyler's my girl.
483
00:17:35,554 --> 00:17:36,472
- [both chuckle]
- That's fine.
484
00:17:36,556 --> 00:17:38,643
I prefer
"Holding Out For a Hero."
485
00:17:38,727 --> 00:17:40,747
[ominous music]
486
00:17:40,831 --> 00:17:43,519
[ethereal chuckle]
487
00:17:43,603 --> 00:17:44,555
Chrissy?
488
00:17:44,639 --> 00:17:45,690
Come out and let's talk.
489
00:17:45,774 --> 00:17:47,026
Okay?
490
00:17:47,110 --> 00:17:49,464
The spell was a moment
of desperation.
491
00:17:49,548 --> 00:17:50,567
It was stupid.
492
00:17:50,651 --> 00:17:52,571
I honestly thought
it was the only way out.
493
00:17:52,655 --> 00:17:54,307
I was so young and rash,
494
00:17:54,391 --> 00:17:56,377
but I worked my ass off
to help us survive
495
00:17:56,461 --> 00:17:59,050
and be your protector.
496
00:17:59,134 --> 00:18:01,722
CHRISSY:
Wow. How selfless of you.
497
00:18:01,806 --> 00:18:03,993
Mind mess 'em ups!
498
00:18:04,077 --> 00:18:04,995
Laura.
499
00:18:05,079 --> 00:18:07,383
[grunts]
500
00:18:13,530 --> 00:18:15,917
So I haven't been the
perfect mom, but I'm trying.
501
00:18:16,001 --> 00:18:17,353
CHRISSY: "I'm twying."
502
00:18:17,437 --> 00:18:19,023
I chose this life
with you every day.
503
00:18:19,107 --> 00:18:20,092
I chose to sacrifice...
504
00:18:20,176 --> 00:18:21,495
CHRISSY: Sacrifice?
505
00:18:21,579 --> 00:18:23,365
What did you sacrifice exactly,
506
00:18:23,449 --> 00:18:25,335
an internship
at a slaughterhouse?
507
00:18:25,419 --> 00:18:26,705
Slaughterhouse? No.
508
00:18:26,789 --> 00:18:28,509
Oh, but I was an apprentice
at a kill shelter.
509
00:18:28,593 --> 00:18:30,279
CHRISSY:
Your life was going nowhere.
510
00:18:30,363 --> 00:18:31,448
Chrissy, please.
511
00:18:31,532 --> 00:18:34,605
If anything, I define you.
512
00:18:36,542 --> 00:18:38,094
And you hate me for it.
513
00:18:38,178 --> 00:18:41,669
- No. No!
- Admit it!
514
00:18:41,753 --> 00:18:43,573
I hate myself, okay?
515
00:18:43,657 --> 00:18:46,679
For being resentful and unhappy
with my life when I shouldn't.
516
00:18:46,763 --> 00:18:49,518
I'm a shit person.
I failed us.
517
00:18:49,602 --> 00:18:51,956
I failed you.
518
00:18:52,040 --> 00:18:54,293
I've been trying to fake my way
through motherhood,
519
00:18:54,377 --> 00:18:56,130
but the truth is
I'm not cut out for it.
520
00:18:56,214 --> 00:18:57,767
And I'm afraid I never will be.
521
00:18:57,851 --> 00:19:00,824
[sobbing]
522
00:19:08,272 --> 00:19:11,695
CHRISSY: [sobbing]
523
00:19:11,779 --> 00:19:13,248
[wood creaking]
524
00:19:30,884 --> 00:19:36,110
[groaning]
525
00:19:36,194 --> 00:19:39,083
[hopeful music]
526
00:19:39,167 --> 00:19:46,314
?? ??
527
00:20:04,719 --> 00:20:05,821
[sighs]
528
00:20:25,727 --> 00:20:27,279
MAN: All right, everyone,
pack it up.
529
00:20:27,363 --> 00:20:30,236
[indistinct chatter]
530
00:20:31,973 --> 00:20:36,164
Um, I think I'm gonna head
to Dad's for a bit.
531
00:20:36,248 --> 00:20:37,634
Yeah, cool.
532
00:20:37,718 --> 00:20:39,220
Cool.
533
00:20:55,119 --> 00:20:56,839
Oh.
No, don't worry about me.
534
00:20:56,923 --> 00:21:00,012
I just dug myself out,
for fuck's sake!
535
00:21:00,096 --> 00:21:02,951
[calm instrumental music]
536
00:21:03,035 --> 00:21:09,949
?? ??
537
00:21:20,804 --> 00:21:23,058
I was cruel to my wife.
I admit it.
538
00:21:23,142 --> 00:21:25,997
I used to think because
I could throw things farther,
539
00:21:26,081 --> 00:21:27,700
grow hair in more places,
540
00:21:27,784 --> 00:21:29,838
I deserved to climax
and she didn't.
541
00:21:29,922 --> 00:21:33,044
Now, I know my hatred of her
and all women
542
00:21:33,128 --> 00:21:35,082
came from a fear of rejection,
543
00:21:35,166 --> 00:21:37,487
as a man and a sexual performer.
544
00:21:37,571 --> 00:21:39,624
Born out of,
not to sound cliche,
545
00:21:39,708 --> 00:21:42,396
a toxic relationship
with my mother.
546
00:21:42,480 --> 00:21:43,899
And I can say this
across the table
547
00:21:43,983 --> 00:21:46,104
to a woman I've just met,
because, recently,
548
00:21:46,188 --> 00:21:48,709
I was liberated from my hatred
of all women,
549
00:21:48,793 --> 00:21:51,782
my ire distilled
into a singular object,
550
00:21:51,866 --> 00:21:54,621
the little girl
who got my dick shot off.
551
00:21:54,705 --> 00:21:57,292
Decimating her soul
is my life's purpose.
552
00:21:57,376 --> 00:21:58,863
And yes, I don't have a dick,
553
00:21:58,947 --> 00:22:00,933
but if we choose
to take things further,
554
00:22:01,017 --> 00:22:04,741
I believe my metal replacement
won't disappoint.
555
00:22:04,825 --> 00:22:06,678
How would you feel
about dessert?
556
00:22:06,762 --> 00:22:08,716
Eh, it's her loss, really.
557
00:22:08,800 --> 00:22:11,812
Not everybody's ready for a man
who's so set on his goals.
558
00:22:11,897 --> 00:22:13,024
Still, glad I went.
559
00:22:13,108 --> 00:22:15,228
You miss 100% of the shots
you don't take,
560
00:22:15,312 --> 00:22:17,450
and I'm done not taking shots.
561
00:22:19,588 --> 00:22:23,111
After all,
as Lil John and LMFAO said
562
00:22:23,195 --> 00:22:26,085
"Shots, shots, shots, shots,
shots, shots."
563
00:22:26,135 --> 00:22:30,685
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