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1
00:00:02,458 --> 00:00:05,827
Ah, Captain.
You're at my desk.
2
00:00:05,828 --> 00:00:07,590
Just what I wanna see
first thing in the morning.
3
00:00:07,597 --> 00:00:09,499
You're three minutes late,
Peralta.
4
00:00:09,500 --> 00:00:12,101
Not my fault.
I had a plumbing problem.
5
00:00:12,135 --> 00:00:13,236
[Musical ringtone]
6
00:00:13,237 --> 00:00:15,746
[Groans]
7
00:00:15,747 --> 00:00:17,749
Which reminds me,
I'm gonna need
8
00:00:17,750 --> 00:00:20,385
a new
departmentally issued phone.
9
00:00:20,419 --> 00:00:22,354
Oh, come on, really?
I'm a few minutes late,
10
00:00:22,355 --> 00:00:23,773
so you're gonna call me out
in front of everyone?
11
00:00:23,791 --> 00:00:25,817
Good idea.
Everyone?
12
00:00:25,830 --> 00:00:28,572
Gather round, so I can call out
Peralta in front of you.
13
00:00:28,606 --> 00:00:31,784
Okay, fine.
I was three minutes late.
14
00:00:31,785 --> 00:00:33,522
I'm sorry for doing
one thing wrong.
15
00:00:33,556 --> 00:00:36,035
- Oh, it's more than one thing.
- Uh-oh.
16
00:00:36,059 --> 00:00:37,161
Let's start
with the Kristov murder.
17
00:00:37,162 --> 00:00:38,465
It was
an amazing solve.
18
00:00:38,466 --> 00:00:39,735
I got him to confess
in 20 minutes.
19
00:00:39,736 --> 00:00:41,172
You also mislabeled
the evidence,
20
00:00:41,173 --> 00:00:43,212
so that confession
is worthless
21
00:00:43,246 --> 00:00:44,985
if the sergeant
hadn't caught your mistake.
22
00:00:44,986 --> 00:00:46,888
Here are three cases
with sloppy paperwork.
23
00:00:46,923 --> 00:00:48,692
Here are two pictures.
24
00:00:48,693 --> 00:00:50,328
One is your locker.
25
00:00:50,363 --> 00:00:53,371
The other is a garbage dump
in the Philippines.
26
00:00:53,372 --> 00:00:58,113
Can you tell
which is which?
27
00:00:58,114 --> 00:01:00,517
- That one's the dump?
- They're both your locker.
28
00:01:00,551 --> 00:01:02,086
Gah, I should've guessed that.
He's good.
29
00:01:02,087 --> 00:01:05,489
This folder is labeled
"undies, dirty."
30
00:01:05,524 --> 00:01:07,525
So I won't confuse it
with "undies, clean."
31
00:01:07,560 --> 00:01:09,362
Also, who cares
about all these rules?
32
00:01:09,398 --> 00:01:11,933
I have more felony arrests
than any other Detective here.
33
00:01:11,967 --> 00:01:14,536
You also have more mice
living in your desk
34
00:01:14,537 --> 00:01:16,538
than any other Detective.
35
00:01:16,539 --> 00:01:18,573
[Gasps] Algernon.
[All aw]
36
00:01:18,574 --> 00:01:20,577
You guys,
Algernon's back.
37
00:01:20,611 --> 00:01:23,814
Get rid of the mouse,
and get your act together now.
38
00:01:25,750 --> 00:01:27,786
He's grumpy.
39
00:01:50,461 --> 00:01:52,263
Okay, detectives,
let's get started.
40
00:01:52,297 --> 00:01:55,400
Santiago, where are we
with the Jay street drug bust?
41
00:01:55,434 --> 00:01:57,502
There are 12 keys of coke
unaccounted for,
42
00:01:57,503 --> 00:01:59,304
but we just got a warrant to
search the dealer's apartment.
43
00:01:59,305 --> 00:02:01,105
Good.
Take Boyle and Diaz.
44
00:02:01,140 --> 00:02:02,874
Dream team.
45
00:02:02,875 --> 00:02:05,944
Peralta, brief us
on the vandalism case.
46
00:02:05,945 --> 00:02:07,678
Well, there's no easy way
to put this, sarge,
47
00:02:07,679 --> 00:02:10,615
but someone has been painting
wieners on squad cars.
48
00:02:10,616 --> 00:02:11,949
[Laughter]
49
00:02:11,950 --> 00:02:13,785
And apparently,
they won't stop
50
00:02:13,819 --> 00:02:15,521
until there's a penis drawn
on every cop car in Brooklyn.
51
00:02:15,555 --> 00:02:18,358
Oh, that's what
he's been drawing.
52
00:02:18,359 --> 00:02:20,694
But what are those little
round things at the bottom?
53
00:02:20,695 --> 00:02:21,695
That's the butt.
54
00:02:21,730 --> 00:02:23,465
The butt?
55
00:02:23,500 --> 00:02:26,302
I assume you have a plan
to catch this gentleman.
56
00:02:26,303 --> 00:02:28,338
Did you just
say "genital-man"?
57
00:02:28,339 --> 00:02:30,843
Because if so, kudos,
and yes, I have a plan.
58
00:02:30,844 --> 00:02:33,315
I'm gonna plant
a decoy squad car as bait.
59
00:02:33,349 --> 00:02:37,319
Meanwhile, I'll be waiting
in an undercover vehicle here.
60
00:02:37,320 --> 00:02:40,023
He's already tagged
three U/C vehicles.
61
00:02:40,024 --> 00:02:42,728
He can clearly spot 'em.
You should take my minivan.
62
00:02:42,729 --> 00:02:44,600
- A minivan?
- A-ha!
63
00:02:44,601 --> 00:02:46,002
[Laughter]
64
00:02:46,003 --> 00:02:49,506
You all got a problem
with my minivan?
65
00:02:49,507 --> 00:02:51,909
'Cause my wife
doesn't like it either.
66
00:02:51,910 --> 00:02:54,010
She wanted an SUV,
but those things roll, man.
67
00:02:54,011 --> 00:02:55,779
They roll!
68
00:02:55,780 --> 00:02:57,413
That's a good idea, sergeant.
We'll take the van.
69
00:02:57,414 --> 00:02:59,047
We?
You're coming with me?
70
00:02:59,048 --> 00:03:01,850
Sir, with all due respect,
I don't need backup.
71
00:03:01,851 --> 00:03:04,517
It's not backup.
It's babysitting.
72
00:03:04,552 --> 00:03:07,784
- Babysitting.
- A-ha!
73
00:03:07,785 --> 00:03:08,785
[Indistinct chatter]
74
00:03:08,786 --> 00:03:10,187
Oh, look at this.
75
00:03:10,188 --> 00:03:12,288
The drug dealer
got a B.A. in art history
76
00:03:12,289 --> 00:03:13,956
from Brooklyn college.
77
00:03:13,957 --> 00:03:14,957
Interesting, huh?
78
00:03:14,958 --> 00:03:16,790
How's that interesting?
79
00:03:16,791 --> 00:03:19,261
Well, it's surprising
because you would think
80
00:03:19,262 --> 00:03:21,968
he had studied... drugs.
81
00:03:21,969 --> 00:03:23,806
I studied
art history too.
82
00:03:23,807 --> 00:03:25,707
- Also not interesting.
- Excuse me.
83
00:03:25,708 --> 00:03:28,040
I know I'm just
a lowly civilian administrator,
84
00:03:28,041 --> 00:03:29,974
but I couldn't
help overhearing
85
00:03:29,975 --> 00:03:32,542
you're looking
for some missing drugs?
86
00:03:32,543 --> 00:03:34,710
As it turns out,
my friend here, Carlene,
87
00:03:34,711 --> 00:03:38,113
is a psychic,
and she's ready to help you.
88
00:03:38,114 --> 00:03:39,714
I do palms, tarot,
89
00:03:39,715 --> 00:03:42,152
and I have a degree
in numerology from the Internet.
90
00:03:42,153 --> 00:03:43,922
- Ugh.
- Really, Gina?
91
00:03:43,923 --> 00:03:45,989
- A psychic?
- What? She's the real deal.
92
00:03:45,990 --> 00:03:48,123
E.G., last week,
she predicted
93
00:03:48,124 --> 00:03:50,760
I would have
a sensuous encounter
94
00:03:50,761 --> 00:03:52,396
with a guy named Mark.
95
00:03:52,397 --> 00:03:54,635
And I did.
96
00:03:54,636 --> 00:03:57,772
[Rock music]
97
00:03:57,773 --> 00:04:00,942
Is anyone here
named Mark?
98
00:04:00,943 --> 00:04:02,277
You're good.
99
00:04:02,278 --> 00:04:05,015
Okay, she's had visions
which, frankly,
100
00:04:05,016 --> 00:04:06,750
science cannot account for.
101
00:04:06,751 --> 00:04:09,352
Also, she can get you
amazing deals
102
00:04:09,353 --> 00:04:11,087
on ladies' footwear.
103
00:04:11,088 --> 00:04:14,288
She's assistant manager
at Leonard's designer shoes.
104
00:04:14,289 --> 00:04:17,825
Vision.
The drugs are in a location.
105
00:04:17,826 --> 00:04:19,694
I see the color blue...
She sees blue.
106
00:04:19,695 --> 00:04:21,262
And yellow.
107
00:04:21,263 --> 00:04:24,798
And I see the letter
"L", "R", "S", "T", "W", "E",
108
00:04:24,799 --> 00:04:26,498
and "B."
109
00:04:26,499 --> 00:04:28,598
So basically, everyone's
first eight guesses in hangman?
110
00:04:28,599 --> 00:04:30,431
Thank you, Carlene.
111
00:04:30,432 --> 00:04:33,602
Your entire life
is garbage.
112
00:04:33,603 --> 00:04:35,471
So Holt's coming
on my stakeout now?
113
00:04:35,506 --> 00:04:37,872
I made a mixtape with
some very explicit rap on it,
114
00:04:37,873 --> 00:04:39,775
and now I can't sing along.
You made a mixtape?
115
00:04:39,776 --> 00:04:41,142
Yes, I still listen
to cassettes.
116
00:04:41,143 --> 00:04:42,641
This guy is all over me.
117
00:04:42,642 --> 00:04:44,308
I mean, a Captain
on a minor vandalism case?
118
00:04:44,309 --> 00:04:45,610
It's insane.
119
00:04:45,644 --> 00:04:47,546
What's insane
is how you refuse
120
00:04:47,547 --> 00:04:48,881
to get with the program.
121
00:04:48,882 --> 00:04:50,349
There is a new sheriff
in town, Jake.
122
00:04:50,350 --> 00:04:52,215
Well, I like
the old sheriff.
123
00:04:52,216 --> 00:04:54,015
I mean, McGintley wouldn't care
about a messy desk
124
00:04:54,016 --> 00:04:55,582
or all these stupid rules.
125
00:04:55,616 --> 00:04:58,384
(All) Tase, tase, tase, tase, tase...
Hey!
126
00:04:58,385 --> 00:04:59,785
What the hell's
going on here?
127
00:04:59,786 --> 00:05:01,353
Science experiment.
128
00:05:01,354 --> 00:05:03,322
I wanna see what happens
if I taser this cantaloupe.
129
00:05:03,323 --> 00:05:04,725
Okay.
130
00:05:04,726 --> 00:05:06,462
(All)
Tase, tase, tase, tase, tase...
131
00:05:06,463 --> 00:05:08,064
Ah!
132
00:05:08,065 --> 00:05:10,470
[All oh]
133
00:05:10,471 --> 00:05:13,341
Yeah!
[Cheers and applause]
134
00:05:13,342 --> 00:05:15,544
And McGintley wouldn't care
if I was three minutes late
135
00:05:15,545 --> 00:05:18,480
'cause he was always
an hour late and hungover,
136
00:05:18,481 --> 00:05:20,249
and he would let you do
literally anything you want
137
00:05:20,250 --> 00:05:21,551
if you gave him
a hamburger.
138
00:05:21,552 --> 00:05:22,754
Did he let you play
your mixtape?
139
00:05:22,755 --> 00:05:24,490
Okay.
That's very funny.
140
00:05:24,491 --> 00:05:26,925
Get an iPod, man.
141
00:05:26,926 --> 00:05:28,159
Mixtape.
142
00:05:28,160 --> 00:05:29,693
I just want
to apologize
143
00:05:29,694 --> 00:05:31,828
for my fellow
Detective's behavior.
144
00:05:31,829 --> 00:05:36,332
Okay, my granny
also had the gift.
145
00:05:36,333 --> 00:05:39,598
I feel
that I will die soon.
146
00:05:39,599 --> 00:05:42,668
She was right.
She died two years later.
147
00:05:42,669 --> 00:05:46,504
Your sincere belief in my gift
means a great deal.
148
00:05:46,539 --> 00:05:48,438
Vision.
149
00:05:48,439 --> 00:05:50,639
The woman you love,
the one you work with,
150
00:05:50,673 --> 00:05:52,574
the scary one
with the black hair...
151
00:05:52,575 --> 00:05:53,976
- Rosa.
- Yes?
152
00:05:54,010 --> 00:05:55,377
She doesn't
love you back.
153
00:05:55,412 --> 00:05:57,413
She will never
love you back.
154
00:05:57,414 --> 00:05:58,681
Say "thank you," Charles.
155
00:05:58,682 --> 00:06:00,349
She just told you
your future.
156
00:06:00,350 --> 00:06:01,751
Thank you.
157
00:06:08,859 --> 00:06:11,395
You left without me.
You were late again.
158
00:06:11,430 --> 00:06:14,299
Well, I had to put on
my undercover minivan disguise.
159
00:06:14,300 --> 00:06:16,701
Say hello
to Harvey Norgenbloom,
160
00:06:16,702 --> 00:06:19,739
CPA, recently divorced
father of two
161
00:06:19,740 --> 00:06:22,874
with a dark sexual secret.
162
00:06:22,875 --> 00:06:25,210
- What's your cover?
- Angry Captain.
163
00:06:25,245 --> 00:06:28,481
Okay, so you do not like
my ensemble.
164
00:06:28,482 --> 00:06:30,448
I'm just concerned
that you may find it hard
165
00:06:30,449 --> 00:06:32,984
to pursue a criminal on foot
while wearing man sandals.
166
00:06:32,985 --> 00:06:35,390
But the sandals
define Harvey.
167
00:06:35,391 --> 00:06:38,495
He's a sandals guy.
168
00:06:38,496 --> 00:06:40,329
[Sighs]
169
00:06:40,330 --> 00:06:42,096
Captain, why the babysitting?
Why are you micromanaging me?
170
00:06:42,097 --> 00:06:43,995
You think I wanna be
sitting here with you
171
00:06:43,996 --> 00:06:45,230
instead of running
my precinct?
172
00:06:45,231 --> 00:06:46,900
Yes.
It was a rhetorical question.
173
00:06:46,901 --> 00:06:48,603
I've spent
the last 12 years
174
00:06:48,604 --> 00:06:50,173
fighting
for my first command,
175
00:06:50,174 --> 00:06:51,744
and I'm not gonna
let you screw it up
176
00:06:51,745 --> 00:06:53,580
because you refuse
to take your job seriously.
177
00:06:53,581 --> 00:06:55,982
Hey, I do take
my job seriously.
178
00:06:55,983 --> 00:06:57,817
I put away bad guys.
That's what matters.
179
00:06:57,818 --> 00:06:59,352
Well, so does doing
your paperwork,
180
00:06:59,353 --> 00:07:00,985
showing up on time,
wearing proper footwear.
181
00:07:01,020 --> 00:07:02,754
That's on Harvey.
That's not me.
182
00:07:02,755 --> 00:07:04,155
Well, so here's
the deal.
183
00:07:04,156 --> 00:07:05,656
You're gonna have
a superior officer
184
00:07:05,657 --> 00:07:07,759
babysitting you
on every one of your cases.
185
00:07:07,760 --> 00:07:09,194
And when you show me
that you can do your job...
186
00:07:09,195 --> 00:07:12,367
Every part of your job...
Perfectly,
187
00:07:12,368 --> 00:07:14,940
then I'll back off.
188
00:07:14,941 --> 00:07:18,175
Okay.
Counteroffer.
189
00:07:18,176 --> 00:07:21,975
I give you 50 bucks, and you
let me do whatever I want.
190
00:07:23,212 --> 00:07:25,014
Fine.
We'll do it your way.
191
00:07:25,015 --> 00:07:26,282
From this point on,
I'll do
192
00:07:26,283 --> 00:07:28,718
every part
of the job perfectly,
193
00:07:28,719 --> 00:07:30,455
perfecter than perfectly.
194
00:07:30,456 --> 00:07:33,293
It's "more perfectly."
You said that imperfectly.
195
00:07:33,294 --> 00:07:36,560
I was testing you.
You did perfectly.
196
00:07:36,561 --> 00:07:38,459
Quick update
on the tagger situation...
197
00:07:38,460 --> 00:07:41,526
He is currently spray-painting
our van right now.
198
00:07:41,527 --> 00:07:43,829
Police, freeze!
199
00:07:43,830 --> 00:07:45,730
Ow, ow, ow.
200
00:07:45,731 --> 00:07:47,331
Sandal down.
201
00:07:47,332 --> 00:07:49,698
Lost a sandal.
NYPD, freeze!
202
00:07:49,732 --> 00:07:52,132
I'm here.
203
00:07:52,133 --> 00:07:53,630
You're busted.
204
00:07:53,631 --> 00:07:55,032
Already got him.
We got him.
205
00:07:59,106 --> 00:08:01,940
Oh, hey, Captain.
206
00:08:01,941 --> 00:08:05,977
Hi, so I was able to procure
that $50 after all,
207
00:08:05,978 --> 00:08:07,778
and my offer
still stands.
208
00:08:07,779 --> 00:08:09,713
Let me do whatever I want,
and the $40...
209
00:08:09,714 --> 00:08:11,949
That's how much
I actually have... is yours.
210
00:08:11,950 --> 00:08:14,555
No? Fair enough.
I only had 30 anyway.
211
00:08:14,556 --> 00:08:16,123
Well, I guess
in order to get you
212
00:08:16,124 --> 00:08:17,758
to stop micromanaging me,
I'm gonna have to get back
213
00:08:17,759 --> 00:08:20,060
to the most important piece
of police work there is:
214
00:08:20,061 --> 00:08:21,461
Writing a perfect report.
215
00:08:21,496 --> 00:08:23,196
Good, I'm anxious
to read it.
216
00:08:23,231 --> 00:08:26,736
And I'm anxious to restore
my status as a lone wolf.
217
00:08:26,737 --> 00:08:30,141
[Howls]
218
00:08:30,142 --> 00:08:31,476
Anything else, Detective?
219
00:08:31,510 --> 00:08:32,944
Yeah, I'm gonna do
one more.
220
00:08:32,945 --> 00:08:35,413
[Howls]
221
00:08:35,447 --> 00:08:37,482
Lone wolf.
222
00:08:39,912 --> 00:08:41,085
He's digging me.
223
00:08:41,119 --> 00:08:42,753
[Clicks tongue]
224
00:08:42,754 --> 00:08:44,920
Hey, sarge, do you know
where we keep the glitter?
225
00:08:44,954 --> 00:08:46,920
Just wanna make sure
this report for the Captain
226
00:08:46,954 --> 00:08:48,086
is extra sparkly.
227
00:08:48,120 --> 00:08:49,420
What are you doing,
Peralta?
228
00:08:49,455 --> 00:08:51,188
Look, if I have to do things
his way,
229
00:08:51,189 --> 00:08:52,523
I'm gonna do them
my way.
230
00:08:52,524 --> 00:08:54,491
[Laughs]
Okay, man.
231
00:08:54,492 --> 00:08:56,661
It was nice working with you.
[Laughs]
232
00:08:56,693 --> 00:08:58,393
I'm not scared of him,
okay?
233
00:08:58,428 --> 00:09:01,031
I'm not scared
of anyone.
234
00:09:01,032 --> 00:09:02,832
Oh, also, the tagger drew
a penis on your minivan.
235
00:09:02,833 --> 00:09:04,666
I'm sorry.
Please don't chase after me.
236
00:09:04,700 --> 00:09:07,213
What?
There's a penis on my minivan?
237
00:09:08,337 --> 00:09:10,772
High ceilings,
three bedrooms.
238
00:09:10,773 --> 00:09:13,177
Why does every perp
have a nicer place than I do?
239
00:09:13,208 --> 00:09:15,310
You know what they don't
teach you at the academy?
240
00:09:15,311 --> 00:09:16,432
It's better to be
a criminal.
241
00:09:16,446 --> 00:09:19,817
Oh, no.
The cabinets are blue.
242
00:09:19,818 --> 00:09:21,621
Tacky.
Not a deal breaker, though.
243
00:09:21,622 --> 00:09:22,990
I'd just repaint it.
244
00:09:23,024 --> 00:09:24,859
The psychic predicted
the drugs
245
00:09:24,860 --> 00:09:26,140
would be found
in something blue.
246
00:09:26,161 --> 00:09:29,296
[Slow motion]
I see the color blue.
247
00:09:29,297 --> 00:09:31,299
She also made this really
depressing prediction
248
00:09:31,300 --> 00:09:32,634
about my life.
249
00:09:32,635 --> 00:09:35,671
[Slow motion]
She will never love you back.
250
00:09:35,705 --> 00:09:38,410
And if she's right
about where we find the drugs,
251
00:09:38,411 --> 00:09:39,611
that means she's right
about the other thing.
252
00:09:39,645 --> 00:09:41,880
- Uh-huh.
- Kitchen.
253
00:09:44,851 --> 00:09:47,021
- Whoa.
- Jackpot.
254
00:09:47,022 --> 00:09:49,226
There's way more
than 12 keys in here.
255
00:09:49,227 --> 00:09:50,394
Where was it?
256
00:09:50,428 --> 00:09:52,163
Baseboard,
behind the hamper.
257
00:09:52,197 --> 00:09:53,998
What color
was the hamper?
258
00:09:53,999 --> 00:09:54,998
- Green.
- Yes.
259
00:09:54,999 --> 00:09:56,332
The clothes hamper
was green.
260
00:09:56,333 --> 00:09:59,404
The clothes hamper was green!
261
00:09:59,438 --> 00:10:01,206
Drinks on me.
262
00:10:01,240 --> 00:10:03,140
[Laughs]
You're weird.
263
00:10:03,175 --> 00:10:05,009
[Engine starts]
264
00:10:05,010 --> 00:10:07,678
Sorry this is
taking so long.
265
00:10:07,679 --> 00:10:08,879
Still writing up
my report.
266
00:10:08,913 --> 00:10:10,582
Pretty detailed.
267
00:10:10,616 --> 00:10:12,784
Hey, Gina, can you look up
what the humidity was
268
00:10:12,785 --> 00:10:15,187
about an hour ago and also
what moon cycle we're in?
269
00:10:15,188 --> 00:10:18,492
No, sorry.
Don't feel like it, no.
270
00:10:18,527 --> 00:10:21,695
Thanks, Gina.
271
00:10:21,696 --> 00:10:23,531
And now to you.
What's your name?
272
00:10:23,532 --> 00:10:25,400
My name is
banana fartman, md.
273
00:10:25,435 --> 00:10:26,769
I don't believe you.
274
00:10:26,804 --> 00:10:28,904
Come on, man.
Just tell me who you are.
275
00:10:28,905 --> 00:10:30,238
I need to fill
this thing out perfectly,
276
00:10:30,239 --> 00:10:32,007
so my boss
will get off my back.
277
00:10:32,042 --> 00:10:33,343
Are you a minor?
How old are you?
278
00:10:33,377 --> 00:10:35,278
I'm 610.
I'm a highlander.
279
00:10:35,279 --> 00:10:37,146
Okay, you know what?
I'm gonna put that in there.
280
00:10:37,147 --> 00:10:39,382
And then you're gonna be tried
as an adult highlander.
281
00:10:39,383 --> 00:10:41,584
And they're gonna cut
your head off.
282
00:10:41,585 --> 00:10:42,786
Is that what you want?
283
00:10:42,820 --> 00:10:45,057
I hate to be the bearer
of bad news,
284
00:10:45,058 --> 00:10:47,228
but your psychic
friend's predictions
285
00:10:47,229 --> 00:10:48,898
about the drug case
were wrong,
286
00:10:48,899 --> 00:10:50,970
which means all
of her predictions are wrong.
287
00:10:51,004 --> 00:10:54,072
Mm-mm. No way.
She's never wrong.
288
00:10:54,073 --> 00:10:56,106
We found the cocaine
behind a green hamper.
289
00:10:56,107 --> 00:10:58,144
Never said green
or the letter "H."
290
00:10:58,178 --> 00:11:01,251
Mm-hmm, she said
"blue" and "yellow," Charles.
291
00:11:01,252 --> 00:11:03,486
I don't know if there's
any kindergarteners present,
292
00:11:03,487 --> 00:11:05,922
but those two colors combined
make green.
293
00:11:05,923 --> 00:11:09,727
She also mentioned
the letters "L" and "B,"
294
00:11:09,761 --> 00:11:13,066
and another name
for a hamper is...
295
00:11:13,100 --> 00:11:16,103
Lady bin?
296
00:11:16,104 --> 00:11:17,205
Laundry basket.
297
00:11:17,206 --> 00:11:18,942
Oh, little boo-boo.
298
00:11:18,976 --> 00:11:21,346
Can you go be depressed
over there?
299
00:11:21,347 --> 00:11:23,848
You're bumming out
my whole area.
300
00:11:23,882 --> 00:11:26,082
Baby, I've got
some bad news.
301
00:11:26,116 --> 00:11:30,954
Someone painted a giant penis
on our minivan.
302
00:11:30,955 --> 00:11:33,723
No, you cannot have
an SUV now.
303
00:11:33,724 --> 00:11:36,126
Those things roll, baby.
They roll!
304
00:11:36,127 --> 00:11:38,296
Hey, look at this.
305
00:11:38,297 --> 00:11:40,200
Your prints were
on file.
306
00:11:40,201 --> 00:11:43,374
Nice to meet you,
Trevor Podolski.
307
00:11:43,375 --> 00:11:48,646
Oh, Podolski, just like deputy
police commissioner Podolski.
308
00:11:48,647 --> 00:11:52,719
Your father is deputy
police commissioner Podolski.
309
00:11:52,720 --> 00:11:55,189
I'm not sure
how things work here,
310
00:11:55,190 --> 00:11:58,260
but does that mean
that your career is in my hands?
311
00:11:58,261 --> 00:12:00,998
Okay, you know what?
312
00:12:00,999 --> 00:12:02,167
Yes.
313
00:12:06,734 --> 00:12:08,868
20.2 kilos.
314
00:12:08,869 --> 00:12:10,169
I feel like
we could round up to 21.
315
00:12:10,203 --> 00:12:13,573
Or we could round down
to 20,
316
00:12:13,574 --> 00:12:17,243
take the extra 0.2,
sell it to our friends.
317
00:12:19,214 --> 00:12:20,983
[Giggles]
318
00:12:20,984 --> 00:12:23,252
I'll call the D.A.
Rosa, you log this in.
319
00:12:23,253 --> 00:12:24,854
Charles, maybe watch Gina.
320
00:12:24,855 --> 00:12:26,022
[Laughs]
321
00:12:26,057 --> 00:12:27,223
So what are
you doing tonight?
322
00:12:27,258 --> 00:12:30,194
Nothing.
What about you...
323
00:12:30,195 --> 00:12:31,530
Are doing tonight?
324
00:12:31,564 --> 00:12:34,370
Nothing.
325
00:12:34,404 --> 00:12:35,738
Carlene.
326
00:12:37,507 --> 00:12:40,242
Whelp, I hope you find
something to do.
327
00:12:40,243 --> 00:12:42,045
[Chuckles]
328
00:12:42,046 --> 00:12:45,415
I'm gonna pee.
That's what I'm doing tonight.
329
00:12:45,416 --> 00:12:47,851
No.
330
00:12:47,852 --> 00:12:49,253
[Sighs]
331
00:12:49,288 --> 00:12:51,889
Deputy commissioner's son, huh?
[Sighs]
332
00:12:51,924 --> 00:12:54,724
His decision to target cop cars
makes a lot more sense now.
333
00:12:54,725 --> 00:12:56,091
We gotta let him walk,
right?
334
00:12:56,126 --> 00:12:57,725
He defaced
nine police vehicles,
335
00:12:57,726 --> 00:12:59,025
and you caught him
red-handed.
336
00:12:59,026 --> 00:13:01,057
Why would you let him walk?
[Chuckles]
337
00:13:01,058 --> 00:13:03,959
Captain, I did all the work
on this perfectly.
338
00:13:03,960 --> 00:13:07,028
I mean, my report
has over 25 pages
339
00:13:07,029 --> 00:13:09,866
of meticulous research,
diagrams, and maps.
340
00:13:09,867 --> 00:13:12,772
I even put an "about the author"
section on the back.
341
00:13:12,806 --> 00:13:15,242
I did everything
you asked me to do,
342
00:13:15,276 --> 00:13:16,710
but this is
above my pay grade.
343
00:13:16,711 --> 00:13:18,245
You gotta make the call.
344
00:13:18,246 --> 00:13:21,714
You're the arresting officer.
It's your call.
345
00:13:21,715 --> 00:13:23,916
I told you to do
every part of your job,
346
00:13:23,917 --> 00:13:26,386
and making this call
is part of your job.
347
00:13:26,387 --> 00:13:29,891
- Yeah, but you think I should process him.
- Mm-hmm.
348
00:13:29,892 --> 00:13:31,626
Well, if I do,
the deputy commissioner
349
00:13:31,627 --> 00:13:33,161
could ruin my career,
and I'll end up on the streets
350
00:13:33,162 --> 00:13:35,064
selling my beautiful body
for a can of beans.
351
00:13:35,065 --> 00:13:36,767
Mm-hmm.
352
00:13:36,768 --> 00:13:39,905
Has anyone ever told you
you look exactly like a statue?
353
00:13:39,906 --> 00:13:41,273
Yes.
354
00:13:41,274 --> 00:13:44,977
Man, you were totally right
about the cocaine,
355
00:13:44,978 --> 00:13:46,913
and you were also right
about Rosa.
356
00:13:46,914 --> 00:13:48,648
Who's Rosa?
The woman I...
357
00:13:48,682 --> 00:13:50,616
The woman who doesn't
love him back.
358
00:13:50,617 --> 00:13:52,084
Oh.
Yes, that woman.
359
00:13:52,085 --> 00:13:53,852
You know, it can be a burden
to always know
360
00:13:53,853 --> 00:13:55,353
what's gonna happen
in the future.
361
00:13:55,354 --> 00:13:56,921
Don't get out
of the chair.
362
00:13:56,922 --> 00:13:59,325
I just had a vision
of you leaving this chair
363
00:13:59,326 --> 00:14:00,960
and getting
seriously injured.
364
00:14:00,994 --> 00:14:02,494
Oh, my God.
365
00:14:02,529 --> 00:14:04,628
I should probably wheel you
back to your desk.
366
00:14:04,662 --> 00:14:06,763
That is a great idea.
Wheel you off a bridge.
367
00:14:06,764 --> 00:14:08,264
[Laughs]
I'm kidding.
368
00:14:08,265 --> 00:14:10,597
♪ Oh, you're alone
369
00:14:10,598 --> 00:14:13,101
♪ Uh-oh, you're alone
for life ♪
370
00:14:13,102 --> 00:14:15,105
So here are my options.
371
00:14:15,106 --> 00:14:17,707
One, I process
Podolski's kid,
372
00:14:17,708 --> 00:14:19,475
he fires me, and I spend
the rest of my career
373
00:14:19,476 --> 00:14:22,313
as a Detective, third grade,
which is literally pathetic.
374
00:14:22,314 --> 00:14:25,086
No offense, Hitchcock.
None taken.
375
00:14:25,120 --> 00:14:27,290
Option two,
I let him walk,
376
00:14:27,291 --> 00:14:28,525
and I spend the rest
of my life with Holt
377
00:14:28,526 --> 00:14:30,460
as my babysitter.
378
00:14:30,461 --> 00:14:32,295
Honestly, when I think about
spending the rest of my life
379
00:14:32,296 --> 00:14:33,796
with a babysitter,
380
00:14:33,797 --> 00:14:36,232
she's kind of a cute blonde
named Erica,
381
00:14:36,233 --> 00:14:37,702
and she always has
pizza money
382
00:14:37,703 --> 00:14:39,071
and lets me stay up as late
as I want.
383
00:14:39,072 --> 00:14:40,675
How old are you
in this scenario?
384
00:14:40,676 --> 00:14:42,745
Anyway, the point is
Holt cares more
385
00:14:42,746 --> 00:14:45,314
about whether I
"do my job right"
386
00:14:45,315 --> 00:14:47,017
than whether I have a job
at all.
387
00:14:47,018 --> 00:14:48,386
So I'm taking suggestions.
388
00:14:48,387 --> 00:14:50,256
I say piss off Holt,
389
00:14:50,257 --> 00:14:52,258
so we get to watch your career
end right in front of us.
390
00:14:52,259 --> 00:14:54,093
Okay, thank you
for that, Santiago.
391
00:14:54,094 --> 00:14:55,562
I'm gonna put you down
for "don't arrest,"
392
00:14:55,563 --> 00:14:57,064
and I'm also going
to put your phone number
393
00:14:57,065 --> 00:14:58,567
on every urinal
in Rikers.
394
00:14:58,568 --> 00:15:01,037
Don't arrest him.
Just smack him. Hard.
395
00:15:01,038 --> 00:15:02,505
With a phone book
on a body part
396
00:15:02,506 --> 00:15:04,004
no one can see,
you know what I'm saying?
397
00:15:04,005 --> 00:15:05,906
So you're suggesting
police brutality?
398
00:15:05,907 --> 00:15:08,109
Ha, ha, I guess so, yeah.
Why?
399
00:15:08,110 --> 00:15:10,111
- Hey, Scully.
- Yeah?
400
00:15:10,112 --> 00:15:11,682
You want this collar?
Paperwork's all done,
401
00:15:11,683 --> 00:15:14,351
and it's perfect.
The Podolski kid?
402
00:15:14,352 --> 00:15:16,186
Are you kidding?
I just gave him my lunch.
403
00:15:16,187 --> 00:15:19,055
Okay.
Boyle, what do you think?
404
00:15:19,056 --> 00:15:21,190
I don't know, man.
I'm lost.
405
00:15:21,191 --> 00:15:23,290
The universe is
a cruel and vexing puzzle.
406
00:15:23,291 --> 00:15:25,623
I-I'm at the whim
of the cosmos.
407
00:15:25,624 --> 00:15:28,361
All right, I'm gonna put
you down for "bummer,"
408
00:15:28,362 --> 00:15:32,898
and you can hang out in
that category all by yourself.
409
00:15:32,899 --> 00:15:34,599
Hey, everyone.
410
00:15:34,600 --> 00:15:38,369
Hey, Jake, there is a very sexy,
angry official here,
411
00:15:38,370 --> 00:15:40,204
deputy commissioner Podolski.
412
00:15:40,205 --> 00:15:42,975
He's asking for you.
Very angry.
413
00:15:42,976 --> 00:15:46,778
Elderly, sexy, furious.
414
00:15:46,812 --> 00:15:50,114
Well, my career
is over.
415
00:15:50,115 --> 00:15:52,714
See you at the bottom,
Hitchcock. No offense.
416
00:15:52,715 --> 00:15:55,813
No, none taken.
417
00:15:57,280 --> 00:15:58,547
Deputy commissioner.
418
00:15:58,548 --> 00:15:59,647
Where's my son?
419
00:15:59,648 --> 00:16:01,316
He is at my desk,
420
00:16:01,317 --> 00:16:03,821
enjoying a nice glass
of bubbly water
421
00:16:03,822 --> 00:16:06,058
and some chocolate I was saving
for a special occasion.
422
00:16:06,059 --> 00:16:07,729
Hey, Peralta,
when you're done,
423
00:16:07,730 --> 00:16:09,900
can you help me wrap up
this massive cocaine bust
424
00:16:09,901 --> 00:16:12,502
I just pulled off?
Thanks.
425
00:16:12,503 --> 00:16:15,071
Oh, deputy commissioner,
didn't see you there.
426
00:16:15,072 --> 00:16:16,672
Sorry for interrupting.
427
00:16:16,673 --> 00:16:18,340
Amy Santiago.
428
00:16:18,341 --> 00:16:19,908
[Sighs]
429
00:16:19,909 --> 00:16:22,078
Trevor, what'd you do
this time?
430
00:16:22,079 --> 00:16:23,313
Nothing.
431
00:16:23,347 --> 00:16:25,549
There you have it.
He said he did nothing.
432
00:16:25,584 --> 00:16:28,184
So I caught him red-handed
doing nothing?
433
00:16:28,185 --> 00:16:29,184
I'm saying maybe
it's a possibility
434
00:16:29,185 --> 00:16:30,650
you made a mistake.
435
00:16:30,684 --> 00:16:32,118
You know, normally,
I would agree with you,
436
00:16:32,119 --> 00:16:34,021
but I've been
pretty detail-oriented
437
00:16:34,022 --> 00:16:35,123
the last few hours.
438
00:16:35,124 --> 00:16:36,660
You might not
understand this,
439
00:16:36,661 --> 00:16:39,098
but Trevor is
a special kid.
440
00:16:39,099 --> 00:16:41,832
He makes straight "A"s.
He's going to Duke next year.
441
00:16:41,833 --> 00:16:43,934
Lacrosse scholarship.
Oh.
442
00:16:43,935 --> 00:16:46,705
Sometimes, boys
just need to be boys.
443
00:16:46,706 --> 00:16:49,811
You do realize
he did thousands of dollars
444
00:16:49,812 --> 00:16:51,846
worth of property damage,
though,
445
00:16:51,847 --> 00:16:53,481
to police vehicles.
446
00:16:53,482 --> 00:16:55,449
Look, I think
we can all agree
447
00:16:55,450 --> 00:16:57,552
that I'm ordering you
to let this slide
448
00:16:57,553 --> 00:16:59,189
because nothing happened.
449
00:16:59,190 --> 00:17:01,193
This is officially
out of your hands.
450
00:17:01,194 --> 00:17:04,633
Would you actually mind
just checking out my report?
451
00:17:04,634 --> 00:17:05,834
It's pretty thorough,
452
00:17:05,835 --> 00:17:08,335
and I spent over an hour
on fonts.
453
00:17:08,336 --> 00:17:09,502
Kinda snazzy, so...
454
00:17:09,503 --> 00:17:11,302
Oh, thank you.
455
00:17:11,303 --> 00:17:12,469
I'll get right to it.
456
00:17:12,470 --> 00:17:14,638
Thanks.
Trevor, let's go.
457
00:17:14,639 --> 00:17:17,341
Have a good one.
458
00:17:24,785 --> 00:17:26,786
Choo.
459
00:17:26,787 --> 00:17:27,887
Yes.
460
00:17:27,922 --> 00:17:29,522
What's up with the chair?
461
00:17:29,523 --> 00:17:32,991
Um, Carlene predicted
if I get out of this chair,
462
00:17:32,992 --> 00:17:35,327
I'd get badly hurt,
so I'm not chancing it.
463
00:17:35,361 --> 00:17:39,263
Oh, man.
There's no pudding cups left.
464
00:17:39,264 --> 00:17:41,465
Ah!
What'd you do that for?
465
00:17:41,499 --> 00:17:44,833
There.
Now you're hurt in this chair.
466
00:17:44,834 --> 00:17:46,301
You can get hurt anywhere,
Boyle.
467
00:17:46,302 --> 00:17:48,137
And if you do,
it won't be
468
00:17:48,138 --> 00:17:52,076
because some shoe salesman
predicted it.
469
00:17:52,110 --> 00:17:55,116
You make
your own destiny.
470
00:17:59,353 --> 00:18:02,487
Well, we don't have to worry
about Podolski's son anymore.
471
00:18:02,522 --> 00:18:04,389
The case is officially
out of my hands.
472
00:18:04,390 --> 00:18:05,556
No charges filed.
473
00:18:05,557 --> 00:18:07,160
Why is there yogurt
on this?
474
00:18:07,194 --> 00:18:08,895
The deputy commissioner
threw my report
475
00:18:08,896 --> 00:18:10,630
in Terry's trash can,
476
00:18:10,631 --> 00:18:12,296
and he'd been eating
yogurt earlier.
477
00:18:12,331 --> 00:18:15,264
Terry loves yogurt.
478
00:18:15,299 --> 00:18:17,667
Something wrong?
Kinda, yeah.
479
00:18:17,701 --> 00:18:19,404
I called six precincts
about this kid.
480
00:18:19,405 --> 00:18:21,207
He's been brought in
a dozen times.
481
00:18:21,208 --> 00:18:23,244
Theft, vandalism,
drunken disorderly,
482
00:18:23,245 --> 00:18:24,678
but he's never
been processed.
483
00:18:24,679 --> 00:18:27,511
His daddy comes in
and bails him out every time.
484
00:18:27,512 --> 00:18:28,878
He's a lucky little jerk.
485
00:18:28,879 --> 00:18:30,511
No, I wouldn't say
he was lucky.
486
00:18:30,512 --> 00:18:32,079
I feel bad for this kid.
487
00:18:32,080 --> 00:18:34,047
I mean,
what kind of father
488
00:18:34,048 --> 00:18:35,415
cares so little
for his son
489
00:18:35,416 --> 00:18:38,720
that he lets him get away
with everything?
490
00:18:38,721 --> 00:18:40,688
Well, he's someone else's
problem now.
491
00:18:40,689 --> 00:18:44,490
Like you said,
it's out of your hands.
492
00:18:44,491 --> 00:18:45,491
All right, I see
what you're trying to do,
493
00:18:45,492 --> 00:18:47,156
but it's not gonna work.
494
00:18:47,157 --> 00:18:48,992
I'm not going to arrest him.
I'm going to arrest him!
495
00:18:48,993 --> 00:18:51,362
- You want backup?
- Yes.
496
00:18:51,363 --> 00:18:54,532
[Siren wails]
497
00:18:56,518 --> 00:18:58,755
What is this?
You can't do this.
498
00:18:58,756 --> 00:19:00,223
Get that thing
outta here.
499
00:19:00,257 --> 00:19:01,591
Excuse me, sir.
500
00:19:01,592 --> 00:19:03,627
Trevor Podolski,
you're under arrest
501
00:19:03,628 --> 00:19:05,363
for vandalism
and destruction of property.
502
00:19:05,364 --> 00:19:06,798
What... dad!
What are you doing?
503
00:19:06,799 --> 00:19:08,001
I told you
to back off, Peralta.
504
00:19:08,036 --> 00:19:10,173
First off,
the name's Santiago,
505
00:19:10,174 --> 00:19:12,210
Detective Amy Santiago.
506
00:19:12,211 --> 00:19:14,111
Second, I'm arresting
your son,
507
00:19:14,146 --> 00:19:18,713
which, as I say it aloud,
seems like an unwise choice,
508
00:19:18,714 --> 00:19:20,549
but it's the one
I'm making.
509
00:19:20,550 --> 00:19:22,752
Once again,
my name is Amy Santiago.
510
00:19:22,787 --> 00:19:25,024
You're being stupid, Peralta.
Don't be stupid.
511
00:19:25,025 --> 00:19:26,860
I can make
your life miserable.
512
00:19:26,894 --> 00:19:29,631
Commissioner, please don't talk
to my Detective in that Tone.
513
00:19:29,632 --> 00:19:31,198
If you have a complaint,
you can take it up with me.
514
00:19:31,232 --> 00:19:34,833
You just made yourself
a very powerful enemy, Holt.
515
00:19:34,834 --> 00:19:37,568
I'm gonna be watching you,
both of you, like a hawk.
516
00:19:37,569 --> 00:19:38,669
You're gonna have to try
a little harder
517
00:19:38,670 --> 00:19:40,205
if you wanna scare me.
518
00:19:40,206 --> 00:19:42,507
I've been an openly gay cop
since 1987,
519
00:19:42,508 --> 00:19:45,576
so you're not the first
superior officer to threaten me.
520
00:19:45,577 --> 00:19:47,411
You know
how I'm still standing here?
521
00:19:47,412 --> 00:19:49,313
'Cause I do my job,
522
00:19:49,314 --> 00:19:51,917
and I do it right.
523
00:19:51,918 --> 00:19:53,320
Damn, son!
524
00:19:53,321 --> 00:19:55,288
Don't say "son."
Sorry.
525
00:19:55,323 --> 00:19:57,023
Deputy commissioner,
if you wanna pick Trevor up,
526
00:19:57,057 --> 00:19:59,892
he'll be
at the nine-nine.
527
00:19:59,893 --> 00:20:02,257
Let's go, fartman.
528
00:20:03,993 --> 00:20:05,694
Carlene was wrong, Gina.
529
00:20:05,695 --> 00:20:08,398
Rosa said it herself...
I'm in charge of my own destiny.
530
00:20:08,399 --> 00:20:10,068
That means she wants me
to make a move.
531
00:20:10,103 --> 00:20:12,238
Mm, but Carlene
was also right.
532
00:20:12,239 --> 00:20:14,674
You did get hurt
'cause Rosa punched you.
533
00:20:14,675 --> 00:20:16,341
And the fact that Rosa
punched you
534
00:20:16,342 --> 00:20:17,742
means she does not
like you.
535
00:20:17,777 --> 00:20:20,509
No, no, she punched me
to prove Carlene wrong.
536
00:20:20,544 --> 00:20:22,510
Move.
537
00:20:22,511 --> 00:20:23,878
Oh, wait,
I take it back.
538
00:20:23,879 --> 00:20:25,679
She definitely is
into you.
539
00:20:25,680 --> 00:20:28,817
So much chemistry.
I know, it's crazy.
540
00:20:28,851 --> 00:20:30,353
All right, let's get
this meeting started.
541
00:20:30,354 --> 00:20:31,522
I'm not late.
I'm here.
542
00:20:31,523 --> 00:20:35,531
[Alarm beeping]
543
00:20:39,138 --> 00:20:41,606
Right on time.
544
00:20:41,607 --> 00:20:43,542
You're out of uniform,
Peralta.
545
00:20:43,543 --> 00:20:45,612
Baby steps, Captain.
546
00:20:45,613 --> 00:20:48,432
Baby steps.
39833
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