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1
00:00:03,669 --> 00:00:06,233
I'm thinking about
using the bathroom.
2
00:00:06,318 --> 00:00:08,991
Go for it.
It's a no-brainer!
3
00:00:09,075 --> 00:00:11,255
Wow, this one's
brand-new.
4
00:00:11,340 --> 00:00:14,130
Hold my purse.
I'm gonna christen this puppy.
5
00:00:14,341 --> 00:00:17,276
Get it, girl!
Drop one on 'em, Mama!
6
00:00:18,435 --> 00:00:19,685
Whoa, whoa!
7
00:00:19,770 --> 00:00:22,889
The boys forgot
to chain this up.
8
00:00:22,973 --> 00:00:25,225
They know my mom's
visiting next week.
9
00:00:25,309 --> 00:00:27,977
Dammit, she deserves
a fresh one!
10
00:00:30,915 --> 00:00:32,499
You journaling
right now, Steve?
11
00:00:32,583 --> 00:00:34,301
I'm working on an essay
about my dad
12
00:00:34,385 --> 00:00:36,036
for a contest
in English class.
13
00:00:36,120 --> 00:00:39,773
I'm focusing on Stan Smith
the softball star.
14
00:00:39,857 --> 00:00:41,175
Love that.
15
00:00:41,259 --> 00:00:42,242
You have a title yet?
16
00:00:42,326 --> 00:00:44,110
I'm thinking...
17
00:00:44,194 --> 00:00:45,712
"My Dad."
18
00:00:45,796 --> 00:00:47,647
Wow.
19
00:00:47,731 --> 00:00:50,280
I'm pretty sure
I love that.
20
00:00:50,365 --> 00:00:53,653
Just look at him, Klaus...
Totally in his element.
21
00:00:53,737 --> 00:00:56,190
Yeah, I don't like chicken
in my pasta, either.
22
00:00:56,274 --> 00:00:57,591
Switch it up.
23
00:00:57,675 --> 00:01:00,849
The picture of a ballplayer.
24
00:01:00,989 --> 00:01:03,985
Let's go, let's go, let's go,
let's go, let's friggin' go.
25
00:01:09,153 --> 00:01:11,205
Time, blue.
26
00:01:13,758 --> 00:01:15,409
Stay down on that ball!
27
00:01:15,493 --> 00:01:17,744
Hey, it's okay,
short memory, right?
28
00:01:17,828 --> 00:01:19,880
But don't up
like that again.
29
00:01:22,900 --> 00:01:23,884
Safe!
30
00:01:26,436 --> 00:01:27,954
It's only
the second inning.
31
00:01:28,038 --> 00:01:28,889
Not for us.
32
00:01:28,973 --> 00:01:30,490
Yes, it is!
33
00:01:33,311 --> 00:01:36,275
♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪
34
00:01:36,360 --> 00:01:39,865
♪ I got a feelin' that
it's gonna be a wonderful day ♪
35
00:01:39,950 --> 00:01:42,302
♪ The sun in the sky
has a smile on his face ♪
36
00:01:42,386 --> 00:01:46,673
♪ And he's shinin' a salute
to the American race ♪
37
00:01:48,726 --> 00:01:52,130
♪ Oh, boy, it's swell to say ♪
38
00:01:52,215 --> 00:01:54,848
♪ Good... ♪
♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪
39
00:01:54,932 --> 00:01:55,932
Aah!
40
00:01:57,401 --> 00:02:00,254
♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪
41
00:02:00,570 --> 00:02:03,398
Webster's dictionary
defines "hero"
42
00:02:03,483 --> 00:02:07,061
as a mythological figure
of great strength or ability.
43
00:02:07,145 --> 00:02:10,731
I define hero as my dad...
"...I define hero as my dad.
44
00:02:10,815 --> 00:02:13,133
My dad is strong.
My dad is good.
45
00:02:13,217 --> 00:02:15,869
My dad could hit a ball
very far.
46
00:02:15,953 --> 00:02:19,205
If my dad raced your dad,
he'd win.
47
00:02:19,289 --> 00:02:20,807
Because he's a winner.
48
00:02:20,891 --> 00:02:24,478
Because he's my dad."
49
00:02:24,562 --> 00:02:25,545
Steve...
50
00:02:25,629 --> 00:02:27,081
Yes, Dad?
51
00:02:27,165 --> 00:02:29,616
This essay is so bad.
52
00:02:29,700 --> 00:02:31,952
It's robotic, zero artistry,
53
00:02:32,036 --> 00:02:33,954
"maudlin drivel"
comes to mind.
54
00:02:34,038 --> 00:02:35,155
What a dick.
55
00:02:35,239 --> 00:02:37,691
I wanna know more
about Stan the man.
56
00:02:37,775 --> 00:02:39,693
The guy behind the uniform.
57
00:02:39,777 --> 00:02:41,027
I'll tell you what!
58
00:02:41,111 --> 00:02:43,297
Why don't you shadow me
at the CIA?
59
00:02:43,381 --> 00:02:45,299
Really? Wow, thanks!
60
00:02:45,383 --> 00:02:47,049
Hey. Don't push it.
61
00:02:49,053 --> 00:02:52,038
Oh, my God. I can't believe Dad!
What a jerk!
62
00:02:52,122 --> 00:02:54,240
He just has
high standards...
63
00:02:54,324 --> 00:02:56,376
Can I see your essay?
64
00:02:56,460 --> 00:02:58,645
Whoa...
aren't you a little old
65
00:02:58,729 --> 00:03:00,447
to worship Dad like this?
66
00:03:00,531 --> 00:03:02,849
I don't worship Dad...
67
00:03:02,933 --> 00:03:06,720
You just think if he
"fought a Tyrannosaurus Rex,
68
00:03:06,804 --> 00:03:08,938
he would win"...
Prove he wouldn't!
69
00:03:11,542 --> 00:03:12,842
Hello?
70
00:03:14,412 --> 00:03:16,396
This is how it ends?!
71
00:03:16,480 --> 00:03:18,732
I'm gonna die in a Porta John?!
72
00:03:27,225 --> 00:03:30,059
Wow, this thing's
light as
73
00:03:34,866 --> 00:03:36,650
There's my little
daddy's boy!
74
00:03:36,734 --> 00:03:37,985
Ready to hand in
that essay?
75
00:03:38,069 --> 00:03:40,738
Mr. Fritz,
I need an extension.
76
00:03:40,823 --> 00:03:41,855
Extension?!
77
00:03:41,939 --> 00:03:44,236
But I read the last draft
with the Tyrannosaurus Rex,
78
00:03:44,321 --> 00:03:46,332
it was terrific...
What happened?
79
00:03:46,417 --> 00:03:48,206
My dad thinks
it needs work.
80
00:03:48,291 --> 00:03:50,864
Look, Steve, I started an essay
contest about dads
81
00:03:50,948 --> 00:03:53,066
because I love
and admire dads.
82
00:03:53,150 --> 00:03:54,534
But dads aren't always right.
83
00:03:54,618 --> 00:03:55,735
Most of the time, yes.
84
00:03:55,819 --> 00:03:58,271
99.9% of the time
they're 100% right.
85
00:03:58,355 --> 00:04:00,577
But in this case,
a dad is wrong.
86
00:04:00,662 --> 00:04:03,327
Your essay is perfection.
Just hand it in!
87
00:04:03,412 --> 00:04:07,080
I can't hand in an essay about
my dad that my dad doesn't like!
88
00:04:09,100 --> 00:04:11,418
I don't like
an unhappy dad...
89
00:04:11,502 --> 00:04:13,753
I'll give you
two more days.
90
00:04:13,837 --> 00:04:14,614
But that's it.
91
00:04:14,699 --> 00:04:17,284
Thank you,
you won't regret it.
92
00:04:17,641 --> 00:04:19,627
I hope you're right.
93
00:04:19,711 --> 00:04:22,562
What, Billy, what do you want.
94
00:04:22,646 --> 00:04:24,632
I just wanted to say hi.
95
00:04:24,716 --> 00:04:26,166
Hi.
96
00:04:28,452 --> 00:04:30,704
For lunch I like the tuna
from Rocky's
97
00:04:30,788 --> 00:04:32,906
but the macaroni salad
from Sub's Galore.
98
00:04:32,990 --> 00:04:34,307
Whoa, whoa, whoa,
slow... slow down.
99
00:04:34,391 --> 00:04:35,442
Why am I here again?
100
00:04:35,526 --> 00:04:37,511
'Cause Dad won't drive me
to school afterwards.
101
00:04:37,595 --> 00:04:40,580
Dad, could we circle back
to softball for a sec?
102
00:04:40,664 --> 00:04:41,849
What's your
batting average?
103
00:04:41,933 --> 00:04:43,651
Eh, not much of a stats guy,
104
00:04:43,735 --> 00:04:45,052
more of a W's guy.
105
00:04:45,136 --> 00:04:47,320
Steve, check it out.
This is a thing I do
106
00:04:47,404 --> 00:04:49,789
that everyone loves.
107
00:04:49,873 --> 00:04:51,324
People love that?
108
00:04:51,408 --> 00:04:53,460
I... I think so...
109
00:04:53,544 --> 00:04:54,994
Hey, you guys love
110
00:04:55,078 --> 00:04:56,730
when I throw Dick's lunch
in the trash, right?
111
00:04:56,814 --> 00:04:58,598
That's your hero, Steve?
112
00:04:58,682 --> 00:05:00,400
Why does it bother you
so much?
113
00:05:00,484 --> 00:05:01,801
It doesn't bother me,
114
00:05:01,885 --> 00:05:03,603
I'm just trying to help you
grow up, gawd!
115
00:05:03,687 --> 00:05:05,205
I'll be in the car.
116
00:05:05,289 --> 00:05:06,606
Four people
said they love it,
117
00:05:06,690 --> 00:05:08,891
five said
they really love it.
118
00:05:11,362 --> 00:05:12,680
You're right about Stan...
119
00:05:12,764 --> 00:05:13,747
Aah!
120
00:05:13,831 --> 00:05:15,482
Dick?
I'm not Dick.
121
00:05:15,566 --> 00:05:16,550
Who are you?
122
00:05:16,634 --> 00:05:18,418
Call me "Deep Dick."
123
00:05:18,502 --> 00:05:19,286
Why are you in my car?
124
00:05:19,370 --> 00:05:20,820
Because you're right.
125
00:05:20,904 --> 00:05:22,822
Stan's no hero.
126
00:05:22,906 --> 00:05:25,292
This star softball player
routine?
127
00:05:25,376 --> 00:05:26,493
A big lie.
128
00:05:26,577 --> 00:05:28,228
He sucks
129
00:05:28,312 --> 00:05:29,763
But he's
got everyone fooled!
130
00:05:29,847 --> 00:05:32,099
And I want him exposed.
131
00:05:32,183 --> 00:05:33,901
He's been on the team
10 years,
132
00:05:33,985 --> 00:05:35,769
how could he fool
everyone for so long?
133
00:05:35,853 --> 00:05:36,836
Tricks!
134
00:05:39,190 --> 00:05:41,041
- What's Dick doing here?
- Deep Dick.
135
00:05:41,126 --> 00:05:42,442
He says
Dad's bad at softball.
136
00:05:42,526 --> 00:05:44,778
He's probably pissed
he threw his lunch in the trash.
137
00:05:44,862 --> 00:05:47,447
Again?!
Look, don't take my word for it.
138
00:05:47,531 --> 00:05:49,983
Go to the file room.
Check the softball records.
139
00:05:50,067 --> 00:05:51,919
Grrreat!
I welcome the chance
140
00:05:52,003 --> 00:05:53,853
to slurp up
that delicious evidence
141
00:05:53,937 --> 00:05:56,123
that Dad is
all he says he is.
142
00:05:56,207 --> 00:05:58,858
You'll need to pass
a retina scan to get in.
143
00:05:58,942 --> 00:06:01,395
Are those...
loose eyeballs?
144
00:06:01,479 --> 00:06:05,799
Mmm... I hate
to part with a green one.
145
00:06:05,883 --> 00:06:07,535
Jackson?! Jackson?!
146
00:06:07,619 --> 00:06:08,736
Guess again.
147
00:06:08,820 --> 00:06:11,220
Whoa a a a a. Whoa a a a a.
148
00:06:15,426 --> 00:06:17,010
Man, it's been hours.
149
00:06:17,094 --> 00:06:18,078
You find anything yet?
150
00:06:18,162 --> 00:06:20,280
Team rosters, game logs,
151
00:06:20,364 --> 00:06:23,417
a recording of Bullock singing
John Fogerty's "Center field."
152
00:06:23,501 --> 00:06:25,218
I'd like to hear that.
What I didn't find
153
00:06:25,302 --> 00:06:27,755
is any actual
statistics on Dad.
154
00:06:27,839 --> 00:06:29,156
Dad was in the lineup.
155
00:06:29,240 --> 00:06:32,292
Why does it say zero for zero
for his at-bats?
156
00:06:32,376 --> 00:06:34,094
Maybe they walked him
every time.
157
00:06:34,178 --> 00:06:35,963
Pitchers fear
his mighty bat.
158
00:06:36,047 --> 00:06:38,298
He also had zero plays
in the field?
159
00:06:38,382 --> 00:06:40,300
Hitters fear
his mighty glove.
160
00:06:40,384 --> 00:06:42,102
Again zero...
161
00:06:42,186 --> 00:06:44,104
Every game.
162
00:06:44,188 --> 00:06:46,240
Zero, zero.
163
00:06:46,324 --> 00:06:48,576
It's like he's
not even participating.
164
00:06:48,660 --> 00:06:49,843
He's... he's...
165
00:06:49,927 --> 00:06:51,311
He's avoiding the ball,
166
00:06:51,395 --> 00:06:52,579
ya damn fools!
167
00:06:52,663 --> 00:06:53,781
Your dad's a fraud!
168
00:06:53,865 --> 00:06:56,584
Open your eyes, my God!
169
00:06:56,668 --> 00:06:59,052
Sorry I lost my temper.
170
00:06:59,136 --> 00:07:03,372
It's just I recently found out
that I'm a janitor.
171
00:07:05,186 --> 00:07:06,806
Dad's a fraud.
172
00:07:06,891 --> 00:07:09,262
He literally avoided
the ball for 10 years!
173
00:07:09,347 --> 00:07:11,398
None of these documents
prove that.
174
00:07:11,482 --> 00:07:14,601
You're making assumptions
based on mere pieces of paper!
175
00:07:14,685 --> 00:07:17,404
Ephemera!
Oh, come on, man! Wake up!
176
00:07:17,488 --> 00:07:20,073
I'm tired of you
whispering poison in his ear!
177
00:07:20,157 --> 00:07:21,475
He needs to see the truth!
178
00:07:21,559 --> 00:07:23,076
I don't give a damn
about the truth!
179
00:07:23,160 --> 00:07:25,745
Just print the legend!!
180
00:07:25,829 --> 00:07:28,548
Steve, you got
a gold star essay here,
181
00:07:28,632 --> 00:07:30,283
why are you digging?!
182
00:07:30,367 --> 00:07:32,486
Because a deranged lunatic
has an axe to grind?
183
00:07:32,570 --> 00:07:35,422
She's probably an old flame
looking for vengeance!
184
00:07:35,506 --> 00:07:36,956
She's my sister.
185
00:07:37,040 --> 00:07:38,225
My... my dad's daughter...
186
00:07:38,309 --> 00:07:40,293
Let's review the facts.
187
00:07:40,377 --> 00:07:42,630
Your dad is big. Your dad is strong.
Your dad could hit a ball very far.
188
00:07:42,714 --> 00:07:45,232
He can carry a Redwood tree,
karate-chop a python in half
189
00:07:45,316 --> 00:07:47,367
and he makes giant pancakes
like Uncle Buck.
190
00:07:47,451 --> 00:07:49,637
These are the things we know,
191
00:07:49,721 --> 00:07:52,306
these are the things
that ground us!
192
00:07:52,390 --> 00:07:54,508
I still think
he's all those things.
193
00:07:54,592 --> 00:07:57,977
I just need time to prove it.
194
00:07:58,061 --> 00:08:00,196
Two more days.
195
00:08:04,268 --> 00:08:05,985
Get outta here! Get!
Myha!
196
00:08:06,069 --> 00:08:07,320
Trust me, Hayley.
197
00:08:07,404 --> 00:08:10,057
Once you watch Dad play,
you'll see you were wrong.
198
00:08:12,876 --> 00:08:14,594
Lefty! Switch!
199
00:08:19,016 --> 00:08:20,734
Okay, what was that?
200
00:08:20,818 --> 00:08:22,002
An out?
201
00:08:23,821 --> 00:08:25,472
Jackson, yours!
202
00:08:27,358 --> 00:08:29,677
Hey, you gotta
call those out, Jackson.
203
00:08:29,761 --> 00:08:31,144
Communication.
204
00:08:31,228 --> 00:08:33,013
Come on,
that was so obvious.
205
00:08:33,097 --> 00:08:36,350
Obvious Dad's not a ball hog?
206
00:08:38,770 --> 00:08:40,287
Looked like a snake.
207
00:08:40,371 --> 00:08:42,505
Okay, let's just
talk to him.
208
00:08:44,175 --> 00:08:47,961
So Hayley has
this crazy idea
209
00:08:48,045 --> 00:08:50,163
that you have no stats
210
00:08:50,247 --> 00:08:52,232
because you've been avoiding
the ball for a decade
211
00:08:52,316 --> 00:08:53,367
because you suck at softball.
212
00:08:53,451 --> 00:08:55,635
That's an
interesting theory.
213
00:08:55,719 --> 00:08:56,704
"Theory"?
214
00:08:56,788 --> 00:08:58,105
50 games.
215
00:08:58,189 --> 00:09:01,241
No hits, no put-outs.
Nada.
216
00:09:01,325 --> 00:09:03,443
Go ahead, check.
I believe you.
217
00:09:03,527 --> 00:09:06,113
So you admit it?
Admit our statistician...
218
00:09:06,197 --> 00:09:08,848
Dick's mom...
Has an axe to grind? Sure.
219
00:09:08,932 --> 00:09:12,119
Dick! Of course.
See, Hayley, I told you.
220
00:09:12,203 --> 00:09:14,121
I told her, Dad.
We watched you play.
221
00:09:14,205 --> 00:09:15,789
You spent the whole game
avoiding the ball.
222
00:09:15,873 --> 00:09:18,658
And you did take yourself out
in the last inning
223
00:09:18,742 --> 00:09:20,193
when the score
was tied...
224
00:09:20,277 --> 00:09:23,463
Because I shit my pants
from those fish tacos!
225
00:09:23,547 --> 00:09:25,332
Has she gotten to you, Steve?
226
00:09:25,416 --> 00:09:26,934
Just prove her wrong, Dad!
227
00:09:27,018 --> 00:09:29,069
Play a whole game
at second base.
228
00:09:29,153 --> 00:09:31,004
No tricks.
229
00:09:31,088 --> 00:09:32,339
Come to today's game.
230
00:09:32,423 --> 00:09:34,474
Should we ride together?
Let's caravan it.
231
00:09:34,558 --> 00:09:37,677
I gotta listen to Gwar
at max volume to get hyped.
232
00:09:42,166 --> 00:09:43,883
Dad's lookin'
real confident.
233
00:09:43,967 --> 00:09:45,419
Yeah, he does.
234
00:09:45,503 --> 00:09:48,688
Now batting,
Demetrius Mongoni.
235
00:09:48,772 --> 00:09:52,292
A damn fine hitter
and my brother-in-law.
236
00:09:52,376 --> 00:09:53,909
Easy out, guys!
237
00:09:54,846 --> 00:09:57,631
No-no-no-no-no-please-God-no-Mommy-no-
238
00:09:57,715 --> 00:09:59,099
I'm-scared-
I-don't-want-the-ball-
239
00:09:59,183 --> 00:10:01,101
nooooooooooo!
240
00:10:04,055 --> 00:10:07,107
Nooooooooooo!
241
00:10:16,467 --> 00:10:19,168
Pick up the ball, Smith!
242
00:10:20,538 --> 00:10:22,122
Where is it, where is it?!
243
00:10:25,676 --> 00:10:28,195
Uh-oh, he's in a full-on panic!
244
00:10:28,279 --> 00:10:30,330
He's fishing around
in his jock!
245
00:10:32,216 --> 00:10:34,201
Why is this happening to me?
246
00:10:34,285 --> 00:10:36,069
Oh, I got it!
I got the ball!
247
00:10:36,153 --> 00:10:37,805
A pine cone?
248
00:10:37,889 --> 00:10:41,074
And it looks like it belongs
to fan favorite Ricky Raccoon,
249
00:10:41,158 --> 00:10:44,411
the unofficial mascot of
the left-field bleacher bums.
250
00:10:47,899 --> 00:10:51,885
Hello?
A little help here?
251
00:10:51,969 --> 00:10:55,355
We got a straggler.
Yee-haw!
252
00:10:57,241 --> 00:10:59,626
Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
Not you!
253
00:10:59,710 --> 00:11:01,561
Ooh, look at that!
We got a runner!
254
00:11:01,645 --> 00:11:03,430
Yee-haw!
255
00:11:03,514 --> 00:11:07,183
A a a a ah!
Soooey!
256
00:11:14,726 --> 00:11:16,910
Sir, I'm so sorry
about the game.
257
00:11:16,994 --> 00:11:19,979
I just don't get why
that raccoon was so butt hurt
258
00:11:20,063 --> 00:11:20,980
about his pine cone.
259
00:11:21,064 --> 00:11:22,582
A mystery indeed.
260
00:11:22,666 --> 00:11:24,784
The important thing is
I want you to know
261
00:11:24,868 --> 00:11:27,921
there's still a place
for you at the CIA.
262
00:11:28,005 --> 00:11:29,323
Thank you, sir.
263
00:11:30,608 --> 00:11:33,527
Ahhhhhhh.
264
00:11:33,611 --> 00:11:36,263
You're welcome, piss boy.
265
00:11:36,347 --> 00:11:38,866
Goodbye, martinis!
266
00:11:45,489 --> 00:11:46,540
Hey, kiddo.
267
00:11:46,624 --> 00:11:49,258
Want to toss
the ol' pill around?
268
00:11:51,144 --> 00:11:52,744
I got to go
meet my friends.
269
00:11:58,035 --> 00:12:02,021
"The man I admired
didn't really exist.
270
00:12:02,105 --> 00:12:08,027
He was a phantom, a figment,
the product of a con man."
271
00:12:10,047 --> 00:12:11,965
"I realized my Paul Bunyan
272
00:12:12,049 --> 00:12:16,169
was actually
my Paul Bla-a-a-rt!"
273
00:12:16,253 --> 00:12:18,888
Steve? Hello?
274
00:12:22,926 --> 00:12:25,695
Myeehhh!
275
00:12:29,333 --> 00:12:31,184
I owe you an apology, Dad.
276
00:12:31,268 --> 00:12:34,003
Stan's gone.
It's all in the note.
277
00:12:34,872 --> 00:12:37,657
"You're better off without me.
278
00:12:37,741 --> 00:12:39,459
Don't try to find me.
279
00:12:39,543 --> 00:12:40,794
I'm a broken man.
280
00:12:40,878 --> 00:12:43,731
I've gone to the place
all broken men go."
281
00:12:43,815 --> 00:12:45,132
Where's that?
282
00:12:45,216 --> 00:12:46,400
Beats me.
283
00:12:46,484 --> 00:12:48,201
Hey, have you seen
your mom lately?
284
00:12:48,285 --> 00:12:50,804
A a a a a ah!
285
00:12:50,888 --> 00:12:52,321
Sooey!
286
00:12:57,861 --> 00:12:59,847
Dad left!
We have to find him!
287
00:12:59,931 --> 00:13:01,649
Pass.
Pass?
288
00:13:01,733 --> 00:13:04,117
Steve, he's your dad.
Are you drinking beer?
289
00:13:04,201 --> 00:13:07,521
It's actually nonalcoholic,
but I've had 30 of them.
290
00:13:07,605 --> 00:13:10,190
Ask me why. Dad!
He's a fraud.
291
00:13:10,274 --> 00:13:11,525
Who's a frog?
Kermit?
292
00:13:11,609 --> 00:13:13,527
Dad.
He left.
293
00:13:13,611 --> 00:13:16,263
Said he went to the place
all broken men go.
294
00:13:16,347 --> 00:13:17,331
Orlando?
What?
295
00:13:17,415 --> 00:13:19,667
The place broken men go.
Orlando.
296
00:13:19,751 --> 00:13:22,402
So are you going? I'd go.
Let's go!
297
00:13:22,486 --> 00:13:24,804
♪ Orlando-o-o ♪
298
00:13:24,888 --> 00:13:28,124
♪ We're gonna
make it happen ♪
299
00:13:30,561 --> 00:13:31,927
Hey!
300
00:13:34,031 --> 00:13:35,949
Every day.
301
00:13:47,711 --> 00:13:49,096
Get him, Stan!
302
00:13:49,180 --> 00:13:51,431
I just
want to sell my drugs!
303
00:13:51,515 --> 00:13:53,767
I saw an iguana
use my toilet!
304
00:13:53,851 --> 00:13:55,168
I can give you
a free soda.
305
00:13:55,252 --> 00:13:57,571
Didn't I say Orlando?
306
00:13:57,655 --> 00:13:59,439
First place
we checked too.
307
00:13:59,523 --> 00:14:00,774
We're here to bring you home,
Dad.
308
00:14:00,858 --> 00:14:04,177
Your family needs you.
Your son needs you.
309
00:14:04,261 --> 00:14:05,312
He's not the same.
310
00:14:05,396 --> 00:14:07,647
Well, he lost
an incredible hero.
311
00:14:07,731 --> 00:14:09,917
Now I'm a laughingstock,
a pariah.
312
00:14:10,001 --> 00:14:11,651
I could never
make that up to him.
313
00:14:11,735 --> 00:14:14,187
You could try.
I could help you.
314
00:14:14,271 --> 00:14:15,589
Are you thinking gifts?
315
00:14:15,673 --> 00:14:17,791
Like a platinum ID bracelet
or toe ring?
316
00:14:17,875 --> 00:14:19,659
I was thinking more
we practice softball
317
00:14:19,743 --> 00:14:21,595
so you could redeem yourself
in a game.
318
00:14:21,679 --> 00:14:23,597
Become the hero
he always thought you were.
319
00:14:23,681 --> 00:14:26,600
Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
No, no, no, no. No.
320
00:14:26,684 --> 00:14:29,269
The truth is...
I'm afraid of the ball.
321
00:14:29,353 --> 00:14:30,604
Yeah, no shit.
322
00:14:30,688 --> 00:14:33,673
As a boy, I witnessed
something terrible.
323
00:14:33,757 --> 00:14:35,275
It traumatized me.
324
00:14:35,359 --> 00:14:38,561
That's what the iguana
did to me!
325
00:14:40,164 --> 00:14:41,681
Pop-ups.
326
00:14:41,765 --> 00:14:43,551
People will tell you
to use two hands,
327
00:14:43,635 --> 00:14:45,218
but I'm a confident guy.
328
00:14:45,302 --> 00:14:48,004
I use one.
Check it out.
329
00:14:58,449 --> 00:15:01,101
There must've been something
else going on with his face.
330
00:15:01,185 --> 00:15:04,638
Anyway, the point is,
I'm a broken man.
331
00:15:04,722 --> 00:15:07,575
Yeah, well, you've got
a broken son right now.
332
00:15:07,659 --> 00:15:10,243
He needs someone
to believe in again.
333
00:15:10,327 --> 00:15:11,645
He needs a hero.
334
00:15:11,729 --> 00:15:14,448
He needs his dad.
335
00:15:14,532 --> 00:15:15,515
What do you say?
336
00:15:15,599 --> 00:15:17,466
No. Hey!
337
00:15:18,336 --> 00:15:22,055
You're Houston Astros legend
Mudcat Ranelli, aren't you?
338
00:15:22,139 --> 00:15:25,793
I could just be an anonymous
old man paying for sex.
339
00:15:25,877 --> 00:15:27,194
Mudcat's
my childhood hero.
340
00:15:27,278 --> 00:15:30,063
Okay, yes,
I'm Mudcat Ranelli.
341
00:15:30,147 --> 00:15:32,466
And that's why
I'm a broken man
342
00:15:32,550 --> 00:15:34,067
living in exile
in Orlando.
343
00:15:34,151 --> 00:15:35,869
Maybe you're
a broken man,
344
00:15:35,953 --> 00:15:38,738
but you got a broken son
right now.
345
00:15:38,822 --> 00:15:41,408
He needs someone
to believe in again.
346
00:15:41,492 --> 00:15:43,677
He needs a hero.
347
00:15:43,761 --> 00:15:46,346
He needs his dad.
348
00:15:46,430 --> 00:15:47,414
What do you say?
349
00:15:47,498 --> 00:15:48,948
Yes.
Just said that.
350
00:15:49,032 --> 00:15:52,335
You have a wonderful way
of communicating, Mudcat.
351
00:15:53,971 --> 00:15:56,973
Let's get it going!
Hit me one!
352
00:16:00,644 --> 00:16:02,845
Wowza!
353
00:16:05,048 --> 00:16:08,435
Dad, you can't quit!
You've got to keep going!
354
00:16:08,519 --> 00:16:10,103
For Steve.
355
00:16:10,187 --> 00:16:10,971
For me.
356
00:16:11,055 --> 00:16:13,040
For you?
Yeah.
357
00:16:13,124 --> 00:16:15,375
I guess this whole thing
reminded me
358
00:16:15,459 --> 00:16:17,377
you used to be
my hero too.
359
00:16:17,461 --> 00:16:19,246
So, when did that stop?
360
00:16:19,330 --> 00:16:22,916
Worshipping your parents is just
a thing kids grow out of, Dad.
361
00:16:23,000 --> 00:16:26,586
"There is one sure thing
about the fall of gods.
362
00:16:26,670 --> 00:16:28,255
They do not fall a little.
363
00:16:28,339 --> 00:16:33,060
They crash and shatter,
or sink deeply into green muck."
364
00:16:33,144 --> 00:16:34,194
Steinbeck.
365
00:16:34,278 --> 00:16:35,329
Also there was that time
366
00:16:35,413 --> 00:16:36,864
you pissed yourself
at Chuck E. Cheese.
367
00:16:36,948 --> 00:16:39,066
I was drunk!
All the dads were doing it.
368
00:16:39,150 --> 00:16:43,002
But I think I could look up to
you again, if you could just
369
00:16:43,086 --> 00:16:44,872
face something
that scared you.
370
00:16:44,956 --> 00:16:47,741
Like finally watching
"Hotel Transylvania"
371
00:16:47,825 --> 00:16:48,742
with my eyes open?
372
00:16:48,826 --> 00:16:50,210
No, like softball.
373
00:16:50,294 --> 00:16:51,278
Shit.
374
00:16:51,362 --> 00:16:53,146
Okay.
375
00:16:53,230 --> 00:16:54,330
I'll try.
376
00:16:56,100 --> 00:16:58,952
Whoa, Mudcat!
Let me get you to a hospital.
377
00:16:59,036 --> 00:17:02,089
I can drive myself.
I just need to find my keys.
378
00:17:02,173 --> 00:17:03,090
Okay, Dad.
379
00:17:03,174 --> 00:17:05,225
Let's get you over your fear
of the ball.
380
00:17:07,711 --> 00:17:09,563
Got to keep
those eyes open, Dad!
381
00:17:12,183 --> 00:17:13,901
David "Flincher" over here.
382
00:17:13,985 --> 00:17:16,836
That's a good one.
383
00:17:21,859 --> 00:17:23,911
♪ Put me in, Coach ♪
384
00:17:23,995 --> 00:17:26,446
♪ I'm ready to play ♪
385
00:17:26,530 --> 00:17:28,048
♪ Today ♪
386
00:17:28,132 --> 00:17:30,117
Thought process here was that
watching "Fear Factor"
387
00:17:30,201 --> 00:17:32,652
would also help you conquer
your fear of the ball.
388
00:17:32,736 --> 00:17:35,589
Oh, don't eat those
habanero peppers!
389
00:17:35,673 --> 00:17:37,591
♪ Put me in, Coach ♪
390
00:17:37,675 --> 00:17:39,326
♪ I'm ready to play ♪
391
00:17:39,410 --> 00:17:40,527
♪ Today ♪
392
00:17:40,611 --> 00:17:41,595
See, Dad,
you're doing it!
393
00:17:41,679 --> 00:17:42,862
♪ Look at me ♪
394
00:17:42,946 --> 00:17:44,064
♪ I can be ♪
395
00:17:44,148 --> 00:17:47,334
I'm not afraid anymore!
396
00:17:49,953 --> 00:17:51,605
And I'm gettin' veneers!
397
00:17:52,690 --> 00:17:54,742
♪ Center field ♪
398
00:18:03,967 --> 00:18:05,685
Hey.
You're ready, Dad.
399
00:18:05,769 --> 00:18:07,887
Show Steve, show me,
400
00:18:07,971 --> 00:18:10,139
show everyone
what you're made of.
401
00:18:14,778 --> 00:18:15,963
What's the meaning of this,
Smith?
402
00:18:16,047 --> 00:18:19,499
I'm ready, sir.
Please. Give me a chance.
403
00:18:19,583 --> 00:18:22,369
I won't let you down.
404
00:18:22,453 --> 00:18:25,305
Smith is... in.
405
00:18:25,389 --> 00:18:28,776
Damn it, no!
This is a mistake!
406
00:18:28,860 --> 00:18:33,246
Two outs, man on third.
Everything on the line.
407
00:18:33,330 --> 00:18:34,514
Thoughts?
408
00:18:34,598 --> 00:18:35,983
He'll never score,
sir.
409
00:18:36,067 --> 00:18:37,933
That's great news!
410
00:18:40,003 --> 00:18:41,655
Mongoni?
Mongoni?
411
00:18:41,739 --> 00:18:42,990
Yeah, Mongoni.
412
00:18:43,074 --> 00:18:45,192
Mm,
he's a total ringer.
413
00:18:45,276 --> 00:18:47,209
Plays on,
like, five teams.
414
00:18:59,090 --> 00:19:03,392
Ye-e-e-s-s-s!
415
00:19:08,766 --> 00:19:11,485
No-o-o-o-o!
416
00:19:11,569 --> 00:19:13,887
Mmm-m-m.
417
00:19:16,507 --> 00:19:17,825
I got it!
418
00:19:30,874 --> 00:19:33,707
You cost me a shutout,
Smith!
419
00:19:33,791 --> 00:19:35,843
You already
proved your point!
420
00:19:35,927 --> 00:19:38,778
Did you really need to
tear Dad down again?!
421
00:19:38,862 --> 00:19:40,981
I wasn't trying
to tear him down.
422
00:19:41,065 --> 00:19:43,431
I was trying
to build him back up.
423
00:19:43,516 --> 00:19:45,084
- You were?
- Yeah.
424
00:19:45,169 --> 00:19:47,158
I used to worship him too,
you know?
425
00:19:47,243 --> 00:19:49,948
And I am sorry for taking
that away from you.
426
00:19:50,033 --> 00:19:51,124
It's okay.
427
00:19:51,208 --> 00:19:54,061
Even though I wasn't quite ready
to lose my superhero,
428
00:19:54,145 --> 00:19:56,396
everyone's time comes,
I guess.
429
00:19:56,480 --> 00:19:57,845
Not me.
430
00:19:57,930 --> 00:20:01,316
I still have my superhero...
Chris Pratt.
431
00:20:01,417 --> 00:20:04,002
So funny.
So sexy.
432
00:20:04,087 --> 00:20:06,115
He's an important reminder
that we all have
433
00:20:06,223 --> 00:20:09,959
a responsibility
to be both those things.
434
00:20:12,229 --> 00:20:15,282
Dad, Hayley and I
wrote a new essay.
435
00:20:15,366 --> 00:20:16,616
Read it.
436
00:20:16,700 --> 00:20:21,689
"Our dad might not be
a superhero or a sports hero.
437
00:20:21,773 --> 00:20:24,291
But he showed up
and tried.
438
00:20:24,375 --> 00:20:25,759
For us.
439
00:20:25,843 --> 00:20:29,229
And that's why he's...
our hero."
440
00:20:29,313 --> 00:20:33,433
Thank you, guys.
But this is still very bad.
441
00:20:33,517 --> 00:20:36,704
Shhhh.
Just rest now.
442
00:20:36,788 --> 00:20:38,587
Have you seen
your mother?
443
00:20:54,472 --> 00:20:56,724
Hello?
444
00:20:56,808 --> 00:20:58,592
Hey, what's up?
445
00:20:58,676 --> 00:21:00,609
Bye!
Have a great time!
30730
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