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00:02:06,376 --> 00:02:09,420
Ladies and gentlemen, the driving
force behind Catholicism Wow!...
2
00:02:09,588 --> 00:02:11,255
...Cardinal Glick.
3
00:02:18,222 --> 00:02:19,347
Thank you, thank you.
4
00:02:19,515 --> 00:02:21,307
Now, we all know
how the majority...
5
00:02:21,475 --> 00:02:23,559
...and the media in this country...
6
00:02:23,727 --> 00:02:25,853
...view the Catholic Church.
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00:02:26,021 --> 00:02:29,148
They think of us as a passé,
archaic institution.
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00:02:29,316 --> 00:02:32,401
People find the Bible obtuse...
9
00:02:32,569 --> 00:02:33,986
...even hokey.
10
00:02:34,154 --> 00:02:36,155
Now, in an effort
to disprove all that...
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00:02:36,323 --> 00:02:39,909
...the Church has appointed this year
as a time of renewal...
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00:02:40,077 --> 00:02:42,036
...both of faith and of style.
13
00:02:42,788 --> 00:02:45,081
For example, the crucifix.
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00:02:45,249 --> 00:02:47,875
While it has been a time-honored
symbol of our faith...
15
00:02:48,043 --> 00:02:50,920
...Holy Mother Church
has decided to retire...
16
00:02:51,088 --> 00:02:52,588
...this highly recognizable...
17
00:02:52,756 --> 00:02:55,049
...yet wholly depressing image...
18
00:02:55,217 --> 00:02:57,260
...of our Lord, crucified.
19
00:02:57,427 --> 00:03:00,680
Christ didn't come to Earth
to give us the willies.
20
00:03:00,848 --> 00:03:02,598
He came to help us out.
21
00:03:02,766 --> 00:03:06,394
He was a booster, and it's
with that take on our Lord in mind...
22
00:03:06,562 --> 00:03:09,272
...that we've come up with a new,
more inspiring sigil.
23
00:03:10,107 --> 00:03:13,276
So it is with great pleasure
that I present you with the first...
24
00:03:13,443 --> 00:03:15,945
...of many revamps
the Catholicism Wow! campaign...
25
00:03:16,113 --> 00:03:19,532
...will unveil over the next year,
I give you...
26
00:03:19,700 --> 00:03:20,825
..."The Buddy Christ."
27
00:03:30,752 --> 00:03:33,462
That's not the sanctioned term
we're using for the symbol.
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00:03:33,630 --> 00:03:36,048
Just something we've been
kicking around the office.
29
00:03:36,216 --> 00:03:37,592
But look at it.
30
00:03:37,759 --> 00:03:39,552
Doesn't it pop?
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00:03:39,720 --> 00:03:41,262
Buddy Christ.
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00:03:41,430 --> 00:03:43,389
Well, there you have it.
33
00:03:43,557 --> 00:03:45,349
Let me get this straight.
34
00:03:45,517 --> 00:03:48,644
You don't believe in God
because of Alice in Wonderland?
35
00:03:48,812 --> 00:03:50,146
No, Through the Looking Glass.
36
00:03:51,523 --> 00:03:53,316
That poem,
"The Walrus and the Carpenter"...
37
00:03:53,483 --> 00:03:55,401
...is an indictment
of organized religion.
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00:03:55,569 --> 00:03:57,653
The Walrus, with his girth
and good nature...
39
00:03:57,821 --> 00:03:59,780
...he obviously represents
either Buddha...
40
00:03:59,948 --> 00:04:02,742
...or with his tusks, the Hindu
elephant god, Lord Ganesha.
41
00:04:02,910 --> 00:04:04,827
That takes care
of your Eastern religions.
42
00:04:04,995 --> 00:04:07,663
Now, the Carpenter,
an obvious reference to Jesus Christ...
43
00:04:07,831 --> 00:04:10,917
...who was raised a carpenter's son,
represents Western religions.
44
00:04:12,252 --> 00:04:13,836
Now, in the poem,
what do they do?
45
00:04:14,004 --> 00:04:16,505
They dupe all these oysters
into following them...
46
00:04:16,673 --> 00:04:20,343
...then proceed to shuck and devour
the helpless creatures en masse.
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00:04:20,510 --> 00:04:23,346
I don't know what that says to you,
but to me it says...
48
00:04:23,513 --> 00:04:27,183
...that following these faiths
based on mythological figures...
49
00:04:27,351 --> 00:04:28,976
...destroys one's inner being.
50
00:04:30,312 --> 00:04:32,188
Organized religion destroys
who we are...
51
00:04:32,356 --> 00:04:35,191
...by inhibiting our actions,
by inhibiting our decisions...
52
00:04:35,359 --> 00:04:38,486
...out of fear of some
intangible parent figure...
53
00:04:38,654 --> 00:04:41,530
...who shakes a finger at us
from thousands of years ago...
54
00:04:41,698 --> 00:04:45,534
...and says, "Do it--
Do it and I'll fucking spank you!"
55
00:04:45,702 --> 00:04:46,953
Oh, Jesus!
56
00:04:47,120 --> 00:04:50,665
The way you put it, l've never really
thought about it like that before.
57
00:04:51,583 --> 00:04:54,043
What have l been doing
with my life?
58
00:04:55,045 --> 00:04:57,546
-What am l...?
-Yeah, I know.
59
00:04:57,714 --> 00:04:59,382
Listen, my advice to you...
60
00:04:59,549 --> 00:05:02,176
...take this money you've
collected for your parish...
61
00:05:02,344 --> 00:05:05,304
...go get yourself a nice dress,
you know? Fix yourself up.
62
00:05:05,472 --> 00:05:08,683
Find some man, some woman, you
can connect with, even for a moment...
63
00:05:08,850 --> 00:05:12,603
...because that's really all life is,
Sister, it's a series of moments.
64
00:05:12,771 --> 00:05:14,897
Why don't you seize yours?
65
00:05:18,110 --> 00:05:20,736
Attagirl. Attagirl.
66
00:05:27,411 --> 00:05:29,412
You know, here's what
I don't get about you.
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00:05:29,579 --> 00:05:32,289
You know for a fact
that there is a God.
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00:05:32,457 --> 00:05:35,167
You've been in his presence.
He's spoken to you personally.
69
00:05:35,335 --> 00:05:38,587
-Yet I heard you claim to be atheist.
-I like to fuck with the clergy.
70
00:05:38,755 --> 00:05:42,008
I just love it. I love to keep
those guys on their toes.
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00:05:42,175 --> 00:05:43,843
Here's what I don't get about you.
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00:05:44,011 --> 00:05:46,846
Why do you feel the need
to come to this place all the time?
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00:05:47,014 --> 00:05:49,432
My friend, because
this is humanity at its best.
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00:05:49,599 --> 00:05:50,641
Look at them.
75
00:05:50,809 --> 00:05:54,603
All that anger, all that mistrust,
all that unhappiness...
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00:05:54,771 --> 00:05:58,607
...forgotten for that one perfect moment
when they get off the plane.
77
00:05:58,775 --> 00:05:59,942
See those two?
78
00:06:00,110 --> 00:06:03,362
That guy doesn't know that the girl
cheated on him while she was away.
79
00:06:03,530 --> 00:06:05,281
-She did?
-Twice.
80
00:06:05,449 --> 00:06:07,533
-Nice.
-But it doesn't matter right now...
81
00:06:07,701 --> 00:06:10,953
...because they're just both so relieved
to be with one another.
82
00:06:11,663 --> 00:06:12,913
I like that.
83
00:06:13,081 --> 00:06:15,291
I wish they could all
feel that way more often.
84
00:06:15,459 --> 00:06:18,461
Is this why I had to come down here
and miss my fucking cartoons?
85
00:06:18,628 --> 00:06:21,047
You call me, you tell me
it's important, you know?
86
00:06:21,214 --> 00:06:24,341
What, to share in your half-assed
obsession with Hallmark moments?
87
00:06:24,509 --> 00:06:26,635
We're going home.
88
00:06:26,803 --> 00:06:29,055
Somebody sent us this in the mail.
89
00:06:33,727 --> 00:06:36,979
Take it and quit leering at me.
People will think l broke up with you.
90
00:06:37,147 --> 00:06:40,441
-You did just say we're going home?
-Read.
91
00:06:40,609 --> 00:06:44,487
"Cardinal Glick Cuts Ribbon On
Catholicism Wow! Campaign."
92
00:06:44,654 --> 00:06:46,113
And?
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00:06:47,157 --> 00:06:49,825
You have to keep reading.
94
00:06:49,993 --> 00:06:52,078
"The rededication of
St. Michael's Church"--
95
00:06:52,245 --> 00:06:53,829
Is the kickoff of
a new campaign...
96
00:06:53,997 --> 00:06:56,415
...which seeks to bring
Catholicism into the mainstream.
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00:06:56,583 --> 00:06:58,834
With a papal sanction,
the archway entrance...
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00:06:59,002 --> 00:07:01,504
...of the century-old Jersey Shore
house of worship...
99
00:07:01,671 --> 00:07:04,006
...will serve as a passageway
of plenary indulgence...
100
00:07:04,174 --> 00:07:07,510
...a little-known Catholic belief
offering all that passes through it...
101
00:07:07,677 --> 00:07:09,345
...a morally clean slate.
102
00:07:09,513 --> 00:07:12,598
For Sunday News Brief,
I'm Grant Hicks.
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00:07:12,766 --> 00:07:16,227
All I gotta do, I walk through the arch
thing, and then I can go back home?
104
00:07:16,394 --> 00:07:19,688
No. By walking through the archway,
all your sins are forgiven.
105
00:07:19,856 --> 00:07:22,441
-Then all we have to do is die.
-Die? I don't wanna die.
106
00:07:22,609 --> 00:07:26,237
-You rather hang around here?
-No. We don't know if we can die.
107
00:07:26,404 --> 00:07:29,406
But what if we can and then
the arch thing doesn't work?
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00:07:29,574 --> 00:07:31,158
What then, hell? Fuck that.
109
00:07:31,326 --> 00:07:33,285
It's impossible.
If we cut off our wings...
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00:07:33,453 --> 00:07:36,789
...and transubstantiate to complete
human form, we become mortal.
111
00:07:36,957 --> 00:07:39,333
If we die with clean souls,
they can't keep us out.
112
00:07:39,501 --> 00:07:42,545
We won't be angels anymore,
but at least we get to go home.
113
00:07:42,712 --> 00:07:45,923
-Who sent the paper?
-Who cares who sent the paper?
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00:07:46,091 --> 00:07:49,218
All that matters is that after
all these years, we found a loophole.
115
00:07:49,386 --> 00:07:50,886
He can't keep us out anymore.
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00:07:51,054 --> 00:07:53,305
Once we're back in,
he'll just forgive and forget.
117
00:07:53,473 --> 00:07:57,268
But this thing, this is Church law.
It's not divine mandate.
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00:07:57,435 --> 00:08:00,938
Church laws are fallible
because they're created by man.
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00:08:01,106 --> 00:08:04,441
One of the last sacred promises
imparted to Peter, the first pope...
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00:08:04,609 --> 00:08:08,070
...by the son of God
before he left was:
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00:08:08,238 --> 00:08:09,905
"Whatever you hold true on Earth--"
122
00:08:10,073 --> 00:08:11,365
"l'll hold true in heaven."
123
00:08:11,533 --> 00:08:14,410
It's dogmatic law. If the Church
says it's so, God must adhere.
124
00:08:14,578 --> 00:08:16,203
This thing has a papal sanction....
125
00:08:16,371 --> 00:08:19,248
Let it never be said your
anal retentive attention to detail...
126
00:08:19,416 --> 00:08:21,041
...never yielded positive results.
127
00:08:21,209 --> 00:08:23,711
You can't be anal retentive
if you don't have an anus.
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00:08:23,879 --> 00:08:25,754
Outstanding work!
129
00:08:25,922 --> 00:08:28,674
There's just one thing
I think we gotta do before we leave.
130
00:08:28,842 --> 00:08:30,843
This will help us get back
on his good side.
131
00:08:31,011 --> 00:08:32,094
What?
132
00:08:32,262 --> 00:08:35,055
I've been dreaming about this
for five years. Read that.
133
00:08:35,223 --> 00:08:36,599
"Mooby, the Golden Calf.
134
00:08:36,766 --> 00:08:39,435
Creating an empire
out of simplicity."
135
00:08:39,603 --> 00:08:41,395
I wanna hit them.
136
00:08:41,563 --> 00:08:43,981
You really are
just a simple creature.
137
00:08:44,149 --> 00:08:46,525
We find a way back
and you wanna jeopardize that...
138
00:08:46,693 --> 00:08:48,736
...because you yearn
for the good old days.
139
00:08:48,904 --> 00:08:52,281
What better way to repent than by
resuming the position I once denied...
140
00:08:52,449 --> 00:08:53,824
...thanks to you?
141
00:08:53,992 --> 00:08:56,994
I don't think a killing spree
is gonna make things better for us.
142
00:08:57,162 --> 00:08:59,788
Killing spree?
I'm talking about divine justice here.
143
00:08:59,956 --> 00:09:03,334
I'm talking about raining down fire
and brimstone, punishing the wicked.
144
00:09:03,501 --> 00:09:06,045
He's all about that.
I know he'd want this done.
145
00:09:06,213 --> 00:09:08,714
There hasn't been an Angel of Death
since you quit.
146
00:09:08,882 --> 00:09:10,466
Doesn't that mean anything to you?
147
00:09:10,634 --> 00:09:13,427
And besides, what if you're wrong,
like you always are?
148
00:09:13,595 --> 00:09:16,138
If l'm wrong, which I'm not,
it's not gonna matter.
149
00:09:16,306 --> 00:09:18,474
We're gonna pass through
your arch thing anyway.
150
00:09:18,642 --> 00:09:21,435
We're gonna be forgiven.
No harm, no foul.
151
00:09:21,603 --> 00:09:25,147
Well, he does hate competition.
I will say that.
152
00:09:25,315 --> 00:09:27,483
And your Mooby certainly falls
under that heading.
153
00:09:27,651 --> 00:09:29,610
Where is this church
we have to go to?
154
00:09:29,778 --> 00:09:32,988
New Jersey. Rededication ceremony
is in four days.
155
00:09:33,156 --> 00:09:34,990
Last four days on Earth?
156
00:09:35,158 --> 00:09:37,368
If l had a dick, I'd go get laid.
157
00:09:37,535 --> 00:09:39,662
-We can do the next best thing.
-What's that?
158
00:09:39,829 --> 00:09:41,580
Let's kill people.
159
00:09:41,748 --> 00:09:43,332
Oh, not you.
160
00:09:50,340 --> 00:09:52,883
The Illinois Chapter
of the Right to Life Foundation...
161
00:09:54,261 --> 00:09:56,470
...will be holding its
biannual softball game...
162
00:09:56,638 --> 00:10:00,140
...against the Cook County
Pro-Choice League next Sunday at 2.
163
00:10:00,308 --> 00:10:02,559
Today's second collection
will be donated...
164
00:10:02,727 --> 00:10:05,479
...to the John Doe Jersey Life Fund.
165
00:10:05,647 --> 00:10:07,940
For those of you
who haven't followed the news...
166
00:10:08,108 --> 00:10:10,943
...an unidentified homeless man
who was accosted...
167
00:10:11,111 --> 00:10:14,280
...and severely beaten at
the New Jersey Shore last Tuesday...
168
00:10:14,447 --> 00:10:18,534
...lies in critical but stable condition
in one of that area's hospitals.
169
00:10:18,702 --> 00:10:20,369
He lacks identification...
170
00:10:20,537 --> 00:10:23,956
...and police have had no luck
tracking down any possible family.
171
00:10:24,124 --> 00:10:28,377
The archbishop of the Trenton diocese
has disputed the state's decision...
172
00:10:28,545 --> 00:10:31,714
...to remove the indigent man
from life-support systems...
173
00:10:31,881 --> 00:10:34,091
...asking that Catholics
all over the country...
174
00:10:35,468 --> 00:10:37,720
...join in this protest
against euthanasia.
175
00:10:38,972 --> 00:10:41,223
Well, now please rise
for the recession of faith.
176
00:10:45,228 --> 00:10:47,730
We believe in one god,
the Father Almighty...
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00:10:47,897 --> 00:10:49,398
...maker of heaven and earth.
178
00:10:49,566 --> 00:10:52,568
We believe in Jesus Christ,
his only son, our Lord....
179
00:10:54,195 --> 00:10:55,446
Hey, choose life!
180
00:10:55,613 --> 00:10:58,991
You're gonna burn in hell,
you fucking baby killer!
181
00:10:59,159 --> 00:11:01,076
Holy shit, it's the pope.
182
00:11:01,244 --> 00:11:02,328
Where?
183
00:11:02,495 --> 00:11:03,746
What are you talking about?
184
00:11:13,089 --> 00:11:16,717
Jesus. You're a Catholic.
Can't you talk to them?
185
00:11:16,885 --> 00:11:18,886
They hate me more than you,
no doubt.
186
00:11:19,054 --> 00:11:21,847
You have an excuse. You're Jewish.
You don't know any better.
187
00:11:22,015 --> 00:11:25,392
We already used that excuse
when we killed Christ.
188
00:11:25,560 --> 00:11:27,603
Where were you yesterday?
We went to brunch.
189
00:11:27,771 --> 00:11:29,063
I went to church.
190
00:11:29,230 --> 00:11:30,981
That still kills me, you and church.
191
00:11:31,149 --> 00:11:34,610
If only they knew your tithing came
from a Planned Parenthood check.
192
00:11:34,778 --> 00:11:37,321
I don't know why I still go, Liz.
193
00:11:38,448 --> 00:11:41,992
I can remember going to church
when I was young and being moved.
194
00:11:42,160 --> 00:11:45,371
Now l sit there every Sunday
and l feel nothing.
195
00:11:45,538 --> 00:11:47,873
I don't think I have any faith left.
196
00:11:49,125 --> 00:11:52,086
Remember that seminary student
I tried to set you up with?
197
00:11:53,630 --> 00:11:57,549
The 20-year-old. The one I could
have babysat for in high school.
198
00:11:57,717 --> 00:11:59,927
Well, the point is,
he told me something.
199
00:12:00,095 --> 00:12:02,554
He said that faith
is like a glass of water.
200
00:12:02,722 --> 00:12:05,641
When you're young, the glass is little,
so it's easy to fill.
201
00:12:05,809 --> 00:12:07,643
As you get older,
the glass gets bigger.
202
00:12:07,811 --> 00:12:09,728
The same amount of liquid
doesn't fill it.
203
00:12:10,063 --> 00:12:12,648
But periodically
the glass has to be refilled.
204
00:12:12,816 --> 00:12:14,608
You're suggesting I need
to get filled?
205
00:12:14,776 --> 00:12:15,901
In more ways than one.
206
00:12:16,069 --> 00:12:17,778
You need to get laid,
Bethany Sloane.
207
00:12:17,946 --> 00:12:20,406
You need a man,
if only for 1 0 minutes.
208
00:12:20,573 --> 00:12:23,283
My experience is that
the average male is never a man...
209
00:12:23,451 --> 00:12:25,786
...not even for 1 0 minutes
in his entire life span.
210
00:12:25,954 --> 00:12:28,789
That sounds militant.
You thinking ofjoining the other side?
211
00:12:28,957 --> 00:12:30,791
Couldn't do it.
Women are insane.
212
00:12:30,959 --> 00:12:34,002
Then you need to go back to church
and ask God for a third option.
213
00:12:34,170 --> 00:12:36,004
I think God is dead.
214
00:12:36,172 --> 00:12:38,507
The sign of a true Catholic.
215
00:12:49,185 --> 00:12:52,354
Good afternoon, Mrs. Reynolds.
216
00:12:52,522 --> 00:12:54,148
I'm from the EPA.
217
00:12:55,275 --> 00:12:58,068
We're checking on possible
Freon leaks.
218
00:12:58,236 --> 00:13:00,529
Tell me,
do you have air conditioning?
219
00:13:00,697 --> 00:13:02,322
Yes, we have central air.
220
00:13:02,490 --> 00:13:03,991
In every room?
221
00:13:04,159 --> 00:13:05,868
Except the bathroom. Why?
222
00:13:06,035 --> 00:13:07,953
Well, you know
what that means, don't you?
223
00:13:19,340 --> 00:13:20,924
Move.
224
00:13:27,557 --> 00:13:31,185
No pleasure, no rapture,
no exquisite sin greater...
225
00:13:31,936 --> 00:13:34,188
...than central air.
226
00:13:34,898 --> 00:13:37,065
Pick that up.
227
00:13:40,153 --> 00:13:44,364
This will be the base of operations
from here on in.
228
00:13:44,532 --> 00:13:47,326
Now, if l remember
the protocol correctly...
229
00:13:47,494 --> 00:13:52,247
...the powers will attempt
to contact the last scion.
230
00:13:52,415 --> 00:13:54,458
I need you three...
231
00:13:54,626 --> 00:13:57,711
...to shuffle her loose
the mortal coil.
232
00:14:01,841 --> 00:14:02,883
Go.
233
00:14:37,293 --> 00:14:39,545
Behold the Metatron!
234
00:14:39,712 --> 00:14:42,381
Herald of the Almighty
and voice of the one true god!
235
00:14:43,174 --> 00:14:45,133
Behold the Metatron!
236
00:14:45,301 --> 00:14:49,304
Herald of the Almighty
and voice of the one true god!
237
00:14:49,472 --> 00:14:50,681
Behold the Metatron!
238
00:14:50,848 --> 00:14:54,476
Herald of the Almighty
and voice of the one true--
239
00:15:05,822 --> 00:15:08,782
Sweet Jesus!
Do you have to use the whole can?
240
00:15:08,950 --> 00:15:11,827
Who the fuck are you and what
the fuck are you doing in my room?
241
00:15:11,995 --> 00:15:14,746
I'm soaked and she's
the one that's surly. That's rich.
242
00:15:14,914 --> 00:15:16,748
Stubbed my fucking....
243
00:15:16,916 --> 00:15:19,167
Get the fuck out of here, now!
244
00:15:19,627 --> 00:15:21,837
Or you'll do what exactly?
245
00:15:22,005 --> 00:15:24,172
Hit me with that fish?
246
00:15:29,178 --> 00:15:32,014
Now, just sit down on the bed
and shut up.
247
00:15:32,181 --> 00:15:34,683
Jesus wept!
248
00:15:34,851 --> 00:15:36,518
Look at my suit.
249
00:15:38,271 --> 00:15:40,480
Take what you want,
but don't kill or rape me.
250
00:15:40,648 --> 00:15:44,943
Give over! l couldn't rape you
if I wanted to. Angels are ill-equipped.
251
00:15:47,655 --> 00:15:48,697
See?
252
00:15:51,326 --> 00:15:54,119
I'm as anatomically impaired
as a Ken doll.
253
00:15:55,330 --> 00:15:57,372
Make yourself useful
and give me that towel.
254
00:15:58,499 --> 00:16:00,834
Honestly, you bottom-feeders
and your arrogance.
255
00:16:01,002 --> 00:16:03,670
You think everybody's just trying
to get in your knickers.
256
00:16:04,088 --> 00:16:05,339
What are you?
257
00:16:05,506 --> 00:16:07,382
I'm pissed off is what l am.
258
00:16:07,550 --> 00:16:11,511
Do you drench everyone who comes in
here with flame-retardant chemicals?
259
00:16:11,679 --> 00:16:14,139
No wonder you're single.
260
00:16:18,394 --> 00:16:20,395
Stand back.
261
00:16:29,405 --> 00:16:31,073
As I was saying...
262
00:16:31,658 --> 00:16:34,368
...prior to your
fire-fighting episode...
263
00:16:35,078 --> 00:16:37,913
...l am the Metatron.
264
00:16:41,459 --> 00:16:43,418
Don't tell me the name
doesn't ring a bell.
265
00:16:45,630 --> 00:16:46,672
You people.
266
00:16:47,465 --> 00:16:50,926
If there isn't a movie about it,
it's not worth knowing, is it?
267
00:16:51,886 --> 00:16:53,929
I am a seraphim.
268
00:16:55,515 --> 00:16:58,600
The highest choir of angels.
269
00:17:00,061 --> 00:17:01,895
You do know what an angel is,
don't you?
270
00:17:04,941 --> 00:17:07,526
Metatron acts as the voice of God.
271
00:17:07,694 --> 00:17:11,822
Any occasion when some yahoo
claims that God has spoken to them...
272
00:17:11,989 --> 00:17:13,615
...they're speaking to me.
273
00:17:13,783 --> 00:17:15,951
Or they're talking to themselves.
274
00:17:18,121 --> 00:17:20,122
Why doesn't God speak for himself?
275
00:17:21,040 --> 00:17:24,334
Glad you decided to join
the conversation. To answer that...
276
00:17:24,502 --> 00:17:27,838
...human beings have neither the aural
nor the psychological capacity...
277
00:17:28,005 --> 00:17:32,134
...to withstand the awesome power
of God's true voice.
278
00:17:32,301 --> 00:17:35,721
Were you to hear it, your mind would
cave in and your heart would explode.
279
00:17:35,888 --> 00:17:38,640
We went through five Adams
before we figured that one out.
280
00:17:39,726 --> 00:17:42,561
Well, how do I know
you're an angel?
281
00:17:42,729 --> 00:17:47,566
What, aside from the fiery entrance
and the expansive wingspan?
282
00:17:49,902 --> 00:17:51,653
You want more proof?
283
00:17:51,821 --> 00:17:53,363
Fine.
284
00:17:53,531 --> 00:17:54,656
How about tequila?
285
00:18:01,998 --> 00:18:03,331
Where the hell are we?
286
00:18:03,499 --> 00:18:05,876
Only place you can go
for a good tequila.
287
00:18:06,043 --> 00:18:09,129
Dos tequilas, por favor,
and an empty glass.
288
00:18:11,174 --> 00:18:12,841
We're in Mexico?
289
00:18:13,009 --> 00:18:15,510
Actually, we're in the franchised
Mexican eatery...
290
00:18:15,678 --> 00:18:17,679
...down the street
from your apartment...
291
00:18:17,847 --> 00:18:19,598
...but it's impressive nonetheless.
292
00:18:20,183 --> 00:18:22,267
You don't mind I lost the wings,
do you?
293
00:18:22,435 --> 00:18:24,352
I'm trying to keep our profile low.
294
00:18:24,854 --> 00:18:26,188
What do you want with me?
295
00:18:28,816 --> 00:18:32,694
I am to charge you
with a holy crusade.
296
00:18:32,862 --> 00:18:36,031
For the record,
I work in an abortion clinic.
297
00:18:36,199 --> 00:18:38,450
Noah was a drunk.
Look what he accomplished.
298
00:18:38,618 --> 00:18:40,494
And no one's asking you
to build an ark.
299
00:18:40,661 --> 00:18:42,496
All you gotta do is go
to New Jersey...
300
00:18:42,663 --> 00:18:45,123
...and visit a small church
on a very important day.
301
00:18:49,712 --> 00:18:50,879
New Jersey?
302
00:18:52,131 --> 00:18:54,174
That doesn't sound like
much of a crusade.
303
00:18:54,342 --> 00:18:56,718
Aside from the fine print,
that's it.
304
00:18:56,886 --> 00:18:58,887
What's the fine print?
305
00:18:59,806 --> 00:19:02,891
Stop a couple angels from entering
and thus negating all existence.
306
00:19:03,059 --> 00:19:05,185
Wait, wait, wait. Repeat that.
307
00:19:05,353 --> 00:19:08,438
Stop a couple of angels
from entering...
308
00:19:08,606 --> 00:19:11,566
...and thus negating all existence.
309
00:19:11,734 --> 00:19:14,069
I hate it when people
need it spelled out for them.
310
00:19:14,237 --> 00:19:16,029
You might want to clarify that.
311
00:19:17,240 --> 00:19:21,409
Back in the old days,
God was vengeful and hot-tempered.
312
00:19:21,577 --> 00:19:23,578
And his wrath was bore...
313
00:19:23,746 --> 00:19:26,915
...by the Angel of Death,
name of Loki.
314
00:19:27,083 --> 00:19:29,167
When Sodom and Gomorrah
was destroyed...
315
00:19:29,335 --> 00:19:30,752
...that was Loki.
316
00:19:30,920 --> 00:19:34,840
When the waters wiped out everything
except Noah and his menagerie...
317
00:19:35,007 --> 00:19:37,676
...that was Loki.
And he was good at what he did.
318
00:19:38,427 --> 00:19:42,556
But one day he refused to
bear God's wrath any longer.
319
00:19:43,266 --> 00:19:46,017
-Why?
-He listened to his friend...
320
00:19:46,185 --> 00:19:48,270
...a Grigori
by the name of Bartleby.
321
00:19:48,437 --> 00:19:49,437
Grigori?
322
00:19:49,605 --> 00:19:52,732
One of the choirs of angels.
They're called Watchers.
323
00:19:52,900 --> 00:19:54,276
Guess what they do.
324
00:19:54,443 --> 00:19:58,780
So one day, Loki's wiping out
all the firstborn of Egypt--
325
00:19:59,240 --> 00:20:01,366
The Tenth Plague.
326
00:20:01,534 --> 00:20:04,035
Tell a person you're the Metatron,
they stare blankly.
327
00:20:04,203 --> 00:20:06,329
Mention something in
a Charlton Heston movie...
328
00:20:06,497 --> 00:20:08,623
...and suddenly everybody's
a theology scholar.
329
00:20:08,791 --> 00:20:10,625
May I continue uninterrupted?
330
00:20:10,793 --> 00:20:12,752
Once he's done with the firstborn...
331
00:20:12,920 --> 00:20:17,507
...Loki takes his friend Bartleby out
for a post-slaughter drink.
332
00:20:17,675 --> 00:20:19,926
And over many rounds...
333
00:20:20,094 --> 00:20:22,137
...they get into
this discussion about...
334
00:20:22,305 --> 00:20:24,139
...whether murder
in God's name is okay.
335
00:20:24,307 --> 00:20:25,557
And in the end...
336
00:20:25,725 --> 00:20:29,603
...Bartleby convinces Loki
to quit his position...
337
00:20:29,770 --> 00:20:31,980
...and take one which doesn't
involve slaughter.
338
00:20:32,148 --> 00:20:33,648
So...
339
00:20:35,151 --> 00:20:37,485
...very inebriated...
340
00:20:37,653 --> 00:20:40,196
...Loki tells God he quits...
341
00:20:40,364 --> 00:20:42,574
...throws down his fiery sword...
342
00:20:42,742 --> 00:20:44,618
...and gives him the finger.
343
00:20:44,785 --> 00:20:47,829
Which ruins it for the rest of us
because from that day forward...
344
00:20:47,997 --> 00:20:50,999
...God decreed that angels
could no longer imbibe alcohol.
345
00:20:51,167 --> 00:20:52,584
Hence all the spitting.
346
00:20:53,419 --> 00:20:55,086
So for their insolence...
347
00:20:55,254 --> 00:20:58,089
...God decreed that neither Loki
nor Bartleby...
348
00:20:58,257 --> 00:21:00,800
...would ever be allowed
back into Paradise.
349
00:21:00,968 --> 00:21:02,677
-Were they sent to hell?
-Worse.
350
00:21:03,054 --> 00:21:04,679
Wisconsin...
351
00:21:04,847 --> 00:21:07,474
...for the entire span
of human history.
352
00:21:07,642 --> 00:21:11,102
And when the world ends, they'll have
to sit outside the gates for eternity.
353
00:21:11,270 --> 00:21:13,021
And this has what to do with me?
354
00:21:13,189 --> 00:21:17,567
Someone has clued them in
to a loophole in Catholic dogma...
355
00:21:17,735 --> 00:21:20,278
...that would allow them
to reenter heaven.
356
00:21:20,446 --> 00:21:23,031
So what? They beat the system.
Good for them.
357
00:21:23,199 --> 00:21:25,033
It's not that simple.
358
00:21:25,201 --> 00:21:29,579
If they get in, they will have
reversed God's decree.
359
00:21:30,915 --> 00:21:34,209
Now listen closely because
this bit's very important.
360
00:21:35,044 --> 00:21:39,005
Existence in all its form
and splendor...
361
00:21:39,173 --> 00:21:42,717
...functions solely on one principle:
362
00:21:42,885 --> 00:21:45,845
God is infallible.
363
00:21:46,013 --> 00:21:47,847
To prove him wrong...
364
00:21:48,015 --> 00:21:50,892
...would undo reality
and everything that is.
365
00:21:51,060 --> 00:21:53,853
Up would become down,
black would become white.
366
00:21:54,021 --> 00:21:56,898
Existence would
become nothingness.
367
00:21:57,066 --> 00:21:58,608
In essence...
368
00:21:59,694 --> 00:22:02,153
...if they're allowed to enter
that church...
369
00:22:03,990 --> 00:22:06,908
...they'll unmake the world.
370
00:22:07,368 --> 00:22:09,911
If this is so major,
why are you talking to me?
371
00:22:10,079 --> 00:22:11,913
Why doesn't God
do something about it?
372
00:22:12,081 --> 00:22:15,917
He could. But he'd rather see you
take care of this one personally.
373
00:22:16,502 --> 00:22:17,669
Why me?
374
00:22:18,254 --> 00:22:20,046
Because of who you are.
375
00:22:20,214 --> 00:22:21,923
And who am l?
376
00:22:22,425 --> 00:22:24,134
The girl in the p.j.'s!
377
00:22:24,301 --> 00:22:27,929
Don't ask so many questions.
Just serve your purpose.
378
00:22:28,097 --> 00:22:30,056
I'm gonna have to pass.
379
00:22:30,975 --> 00:22:32,100
I beg your pardon?
380
00:22:32,268 --> 00:22:36,604
When some quiet little infection
destroyed my uterus, where was God?
381
00:22:36,772 --> 00:22:38,273
When my husband decided...
382
00:22:38,441 --> 00:22:41,026
...he couldn't be with a wife
who couldn't bear children...
383
00:22:41,193 --> 00:22:42,235
...where was God?
384
00:22:44,780 --> 00:22:45,905
To hell with him.
385
00:22:46,073 --> 00:22:50,118
Don't allow eons of history and life
to get blinked out of being...
386
00:22:50,286 --> 00:22:52,537
...just because of a grudge
against your creator.
387
00:22:52,705 --> 00:22:55,040
So you lost the ability
to make life.
388
00:22:55,207 --> 00:22:58,626
You're being offered the chance
to play mother to the world...
389
00:22:58,794 --> 00:23:00,962
...by acting like one
and protecting it.
390
00:23:01,130 --> 00:23:03,048
Saving it!
391
00:23:05,593 --> 00:23:07,510
But l can't make you.
392
00:23:08,637 --> 00:23:11,181
However, if you should decide
to stop being selfish...
393
00:23:11,348 --> 00:23:13,767
...and accept your responsibility...
394
00:23:13,934 --> 00:23:15,727
...you won't be alone.
395
00:23:15,895 --> 00:23:17,145
You'll have support.
396
00:23:17,313 --> 00:23:19,314
What? More angels?
397
00:23:19,482 --> 00:23:21,066
Prophets.
398
00:23:22,985 --> 00:23:26,029
In a manner of speaking.
Two of them.
399
00:23:28,616 --> 00:23:31,034
The one who speaks--
400
00:23:31,202 --> 00:23:34,537
And he will, at great length,
whether you want him to or not.
401
00:23:34,705 --> 00:23:36,790
--will make mention of himself
as a prophet.
402
00:23:36,957 --> 00:23:38,333
The other one...
403
00:23:39,376 --> 00:23:41,086
...well, he's the quiet type.
404
00:23:41,253 --> 00:23:42,420
Look, I've gotta go.
405
00:23:42,588 --> 00:23:44,839
Remember, we're working
in a time frame here.
406
00:23:47,218 --> 00:23:48,676
Hey.
407
00:23:49,345 --> 00:23:51,513
-What's he like?
-God?
408
00:23:53,641 --> 00:23:55,225
Lonely...
409
00:23:55,392 --> 00:23:57,185
...but funny.
410
00:23:57,353 --> 00:23:59,270
He's got a great sense of humor.
411
00:23:59,438 --> 00:24:01,439
Sex, for example.
There's nothing funnier...
412
00:24:01,607 --> 00:24:04,192
...than the ridiculous faces
you people make mid-coitus.
413
00:24:04,360 --> 00:24:06,194
Sex is a joke in heaven?
414
00:24:06,362 --> 00:24:10,073
The way I understand it,
it's mostly a joke down here too.
415
00:24:10,241 --> 00:24:11,449
I'll see you.
416
00:26:14,573 --> 00:26:17,325
Snootch to
the motherfucking nootch!
417
00:26:53,529 --> 00:26:56,906
Go back to your paper routes,
you Mighty Duck Fucks!
418
00:26:58,033 --> 00:27:00,451
Snoogans.
Did you see that shit, man?
419
00:27:00,619 --> 00:27:04,706
I know they were just kids, but we
kicked their fucking pubeless asses!
420
00:27:10,129 --> 00:27:12,505
I don't know what to say
or think, except--
421
00:27:12,673 --> 00:27:14,507
That you'll offer us sex
as a reward?
422
00:27:14,675 --> 00:27:17,844
That I'd like to know
who they and you are.
423
00:27:18,012 --> 00:27:20,763
I'm Jay, and this is
my hetero life mate, Silent Bob.
424
00:27:20,931 --> 00:27:23,558
I don't know those kids,
but they would have kicked yours...
425
00:27:23,726 --> 00:27:26,394
...and Lunchbox's asses
if I hadn't represented.
426
00:27:26,562 --> 00:27:29,272
Well, thanks for being
out here so late.
427
00:27:29,440 --> 00:27:31,566
Wait a minute. Are you protestors?
428
00:27:31,734 --> 00:27:34,652
You mean those dickheads with signs
and pictures of dead babies?
429
00:27:34,820 --> 00:27:37,071
Shit, no!
Me and Silent Bob are pro-choice.
430
00:27:37,239 --> 00:27:39,198
A woman's body
is her own fucking business.
431
00:27:39,366 --> 00:27:41,242
But what are you doing
hanging around?
432
00:27:41,410 --> 00:27:43,369
We're here to pick up chicks.
433
00:27:44,163 --> 00:27:45,204
Excuse me?
434
00:27:45,372 --> 00:27:48,416
We figure abortion clinics are
a good place to meet loose women.
435
00:27:48,584 --> 00:27:51,252
Why else would they be here
unless they like to fuck?
436
00:27:52,212 --> 00:27:54,255
Right.
437
00:27:54,423 --> 00:27:57,091
Well, I should be going.
Thanks for the rescue.
438
00:27:57,259 --> 00:27:58,968
-I think.
-Wait a second.
439
00:27:59,136 --> 00:28:01,721
We just saved your ass,
and you're just gonna take off.
440
00:28:01,889 --> 00:28:02,930
What the shit is that?
441
00:28:03,098 --> 00:28:06,893
I had a weird night last night and
tonight's not shaping up to be better.
442
00:28:07,061 --> 00:28:09,937
I think l should go home,
take some Percosets and lay down.
443
00:28:11,357 --> 00:28:14,650
Now, how about that shit?
Fuck this town, man!
444
00:28:14,818 --> 00:28:17,445
I'm going back to Jersey
and starting the business again.
445
00:28:17,613 --> 00:28:21,282
I can kick the shit out of kids
in Red Bank and make myself a profit.
446
00:28:21,450 --> 00:28:23,868
Prophets. Two of them.
447
00:28:24,036 --> 00:28:25,745
You know what l'm saying,
Silent Bob?
448
00:28:25,913 --> 00:28:27,747
You gotta be kidding me.
449
00:28:27,915 --> 00:28:30,458
We call this piece "The Fecalator."
450
00:28:30,626 --> 00:28:33,169
One look at it and the target
shits him or herself.
451
00:28:33,337 --> 00:28:34,754
Try it on.
452
00:28:35,547 --> 00:28:37,924
It's a lot more compact
than the flaming sword...
453
00:28:38,092 --> 00:28:40,051
...but it's not nearly as impressive.
454
00:28:40,219 --> 00:28:43,429
It doesn't have that
"wrath of the Almighty" edge to it.
455
00:28:43,597 --> 00:28:47,642
How am I supposed to strike fear into
the hearts of the wicked with this?
456
00:28:47,810 --> 00:28:48,810
Look at this.
457
00:28:49,311 --> 00:28:53,564
Well, then, you know, don't use a gun.
Lay the place to waste like.
458
00:28:53,732 --> 00:28:56,567
Easy for you to say.
You get off light in a razing.
459
00:28:56,735 --> 00:28:58,945
You got to stand and read
at Sodom and Gomorrah.
460
00:28:59,113 --> 00:29:00,947
I had to do all the work.
461
00:29:01,115 --> 00:29:04,242
What work did you do?
You lit a few fires.
462
00:29:04,410 --> 00:29:06,953
I rained down sulfur, man.
There's a subtle difference.
463
00:29:07,121 --> 00:29:08,704
Okay, l'm sure.
464
00:29:08,872 --> 00:29:12,667
Fuck you, man. Any moron with
a pack of matches can set a fire.
465
00:29:12,835 --> 00:29:14,710
Raining down sulfur
is an endurance trial.
466
00:29:14,878 --> 00:29:17,588
Mass genocide is the most
exhausting activity one can do...
467
00:29:17,756 --> 00:29:19,257
...next to soccer.
468
00:29:20,676 --> 00:29:22,468
I'll take this one.
469
00:29:35,983 --> 00:29:39,360
So, what's up? You have a friend for
Silent Bob, or you gonna do us both?
470
00:29:39,528 --> 00:29:41,821
If so, I'm first.
I hate sloppy seconds.
471
00:29:41,989 --> 00:29:43,948
You're a man of principle.
472
00:29:44,116 --> 00:29:47,660
Jersey's pretty far from McHenry.
May I ask what brought you here?
473
00:29:47,828 --> 00:29:50,204
Some fuck named John Hughes.
474
00:29:50,372 --> 00:29:51,956
Sixteen Candles John Hughes?
475
00:29:52,875 --> 00:29:56,210
You know that guy too?
That fucking guy.
476
00:29:56,378 --> 00:29:59,046
He made this flick Sixteen Candles.
Not bad.
477
00:29:59,214 --> 00:30:01,132
There's tits in it, but no bush.
478
00:30:01,300 --> 00:30:04,051
But Ebert here don't give
a shit about that kind of thing...
479
00:30:04,219 --> 00:30:06,554
...because he's in love
with this John Hughes guy.
480
00:30:06,722 --> 00:30:08,806
He goes out and rents
every one of his movies.
481
00:30:08,974 --> 00:30:13,311
Fucking Breakfast Club, where stupid
kids actually show up for detention.
482
00:30:13,479 --> 00:30:17,190
Fucking Weird Science, where this
babe wants to undress and get down...
483
00:30:17,357 --> 00:30:20,401
...but, oh, no, she don't,
because it's a PG movie.
484
00:30:20,569 --> 00:30:24,655
And then Pretty in Pink, which I can't
watch with this tubby bitch anymore...
485
00:30:24,823 --> 00:30:28,075
...because when the redhead
hooks up with her dream guy...
486
00:30:28,243 --> 00:30:31,704
...he starts sobbing like a little bitch
with a skinned knee and shit.
487
00:30:31,872 --> 00:30:35,041
And there's nothing worse
than watching a fucking fat man weep.
488
00:30:35,209 --> 00:30:37,043
What exactly brought you
to Illinois?
489
00:30:37,211 --> 00:30:41,005
All these movies take place in this
small town called Shermer, lllinois...
490
00:30:41,173 --> 00:30:45,218
...where all the honeys are top-shelf
but all the dudes are whiny pussies.
491
00:30:45,385 --> 00:30:48,262
Except for Judd Nelson.
He was fucking harsh.
492
00:30:48,430 --> 00:30:49,597
But best of all...
493
00:30:49,765 --> 00:30:51,807
...there was no one dealing, man.
494
00:30:51,975 --> 00:30:54,227
Then it hits me.
We could live like phat rats...
495
00:30:54,394 --> 00:30:56,938
...if we were the blunt connection
in Shermer, Illinois.
496
00:30:57,105 --> 00:30:59,941
So we collected some money
we were owed and caught a bus.
497
00:31:00,108 --> 00:31:03,110
But you know what the fuck
we found out when we got there?
498
00:31:03,278 --> 00:31:06,113
There is no Shermer in Illinois.
499
00:31:06,281 --> 00:31:08,115
Movies are fucking bullshit.
500
00:31:08,283 --> 00:31:09,784
When are you going
to New Jersey?
501
00:31:09,952 --> 00:31:12,203
Jeez, this broad asks
a lot of questions.
502
00:31:12,371 --> 00:31:15,456
-Tomorrow.
-Tomorrow.
503
00:31:15,624 --> 00:31:17,375
Yeah. So you do anal?
504
00:31:17,543 --> 00:31:19,961
Is it true chicks fart
if you blast them in the ass?
505
00:31:20,128 --> 00:31:21,963
I didn't ask you out for sex.
506
00:31:22,130 --> 00:31:24,006
I'll take head.
507
00:31:26,301 --> 00:31:29,971
This is gonna sound really bad. I can't
believe l'm even thinking about this...
508
00:31:32,599 --> 00:31:34,475
...but l think I should go with you.
509
00:31:34,643 --> 00:31:37,812
What, like steady?
You wanna be my girlfriend?
510
00:31:38,438 --> 00:31:41,566
All right, but Silent Bob gets
to live with us and you pay the rent.
511
00:31:41,733 --> 00:31:44,443
No. I wanna go with you
to New Jersey.
512
00:31:44,611 --> 00:31:45,611
Really?
513
00:31:45,779 --> 00:31:47,780
You're going to
lead me somewhere.
514
00:31:47,948 --> 00:31:49,407
Me lead you?
515
00:31:49,575 --> 00:31:52,368
Lady, look at me. l don't even know
where I am half the time.
516
00:31:52,536 --> 00:31:55,621
If we're not gonna fuck, then what
the fuck did you ask us out for?
517
00:31:55,789 --> 00:31:59,792
Someone said I'd meet you and you'd
take me someplace I'm supposed to go.
518
00:31:59,960 --> 00:32:01,836
What the hell are
you babbling about?
519
00:32:02,004 --> 00:32:04,589
We saved your ass from
some angry fucking dwarves...
520
00:32:04,756 --> 00:32:08,467
...and now we're supposed to take you
somewhere as if we know where it is?
521
00:32:10,429 --> 00:32:12,138
Do you believe in God?
522
00:32:13,515 --> 00:32:16,809
Holy fuck! All the fine, immoral bitches
out in front of that place...
523
00:32:16,977 --> 00:32:18,394
...and we get the Jesus freak?
524
00:32:18,562 --> 00:32:20,187
-Let's get out of here.
-No, wait.
525
00:32:20,355 --> 00:32:21,981
-I'll scream rape.
-I can pay you.
526
00:32:22,983 --> 00:32:24,400
Pay?
527
00:32:27,070 --> 00:32:28,988
A hundred bucks
for being my guide.
528
00:32:29,156 --> 00:32:33,159
You were going to Jersey anyway.
All I'm asking is to tag along.
529
00:32:33,327 --> 00:32:36,704
I feel like Han Solo, you're Chewie,
and she's Ben Kenobi...
530
00:32:36,872 --> 00:32:39,206
...and we're in that fucked-up bar!
531
00:32:39,374 --> 00:32:40,791
What about sex?
532
00:32:40,959 --> 00:32:42,209
No sex.
533
00:32:44,338 --> 00:32:48,132
Let's say we're caught in a situation
where we have five minutes left to live.
534
00:32:48,300 --> 00:32:51,719
A bomb or something's gonna go off.
Would you fuck us then?
535
00:32:51,887 --> 00:32:53,846
In that highly unlikely situation?
536
00:32:57,142 --> 00:32:58,392
Yeah, sure.
537
00:32:58,769 --> 00:33:01,562
Yeah? She's a slut.
538
00:33:03,899 --> 00:33:05,483
All right.
539
00:33:07,569 --> 00:33:08,986
But l get to drive.
540
00:33:18,163 --> 00:33:20,373
What gear are you in?
541
00:33:20,540 --> 00:33:21,832
Gear?
542
00:33:30,842 --> 00:33:33,427
Well, what do I know
about shifting?
543
00:33:37,057 --> 00:33:38,724
Like I ever drove before.
544
00:33:43,063 --> 00:33:45,398
Indiana, Ohio, Pennsylvania...
545
00:33:45,565 --> 00:33:46,899
...New Jersey.
546
00:33:47,067 --> 00:33:48,984
Maybe you're wrong
on the slaughter thing.
547
00:33:49,152 --> 00:33:51,946
How can you be sure what incurs
the Lord's wrath these days?
548
00:33:52,114 --> 00:33:53,280
Times change.
549
00:33:53,448 --> 00:33:57,076
I remember eating meat on a Friday
used to be a hell-worthy trespass.
550
00:33:57,244 --> 00:33:59,662
The major sins never change.
551
00:34:01,081 --> 00:34:03,499
And besides, I can spot
a commandment-breaker...
552
00:34:03,667 --> 00:34:05,793
...from, like, a mile away.
553
00:34:05,961 --> 00:34:07,712
Bet on it.
554
00:34:07,879 --> 00:34:10,673
This from the guy who still owes me
1 0 bucks over that bet...
555
00:34:10,841 --> 00:34:13,968
...about which was gonna be the
bigger movie, E. T. or Krush Groove.
556
00:34:14,136 --> 00:34:17,304
You know, fuck you, man,
because time's gonna tell on that one.
557
00:34:20,600 --> 00:34:24,103
Are you insinuating that I don't have
what it takes anymore?
558
00:34:24,271 --> 00:34:25,730
Insinuating, no.
559
00:34:25,897 --> 00:34:28,441
Flat-out telling you.
560
00:34:31,445 --> 00:34:33,487
Right there. Right there.
There's one.
561
00:34:33,655 --> 00:34:35,781
So? They're kissing.
562
00:34:35,949 --> 00:34:36,991
Adultery.
563
00:34:37,159 --> 00:34:39,326
-Adultery?
-Adultery.
564
00:34:39,494 --> 00:34:41,412
You are just a simple creature.
565
00:34:41,580 --> 00:34:44,039
-Am l right or what?
-I happen to know the truth.
566
00:34:44,207 --> 00:34:47,168
I'm not gonna tell. I wanna see
how boned up on the job you are.
567
00:34:47,335 --> 00:34:50,004
-What's your proof?
-He's wearing a wedding band.
568
00:34:50,172 --> 00:34:52,798
And it never occurred to you
that maybe she's his wife?
569
00:34:52,966 --> 00:34:55,176
No married man kisses
his wife like that.
570
00:34:55,343 --> 00:34:58,012
Okay. Well, it's a good thing
you were never...
571
00:34:58,180 --> 00:35:01,056
...the deciding member on a jury
is all I'm saying.
572
00:35:01,224 --> 00:35:05,019
"No married man kisses his wife
like that"? Are you stoned?
573
00:35:05,187 --> 00:35:06,187
Excuse me.
574
00:35:09,024 --> 00:35:10,441
Are you married?
575
00:35:11,109 --> 00:35:12,318
Why?
576
00:35:12,486 --> 00:35:13,861
I'm just curious.
577
00:35:14,529 --> 00:35:16,280
What do you think?
578
00:35:24,915 --> 00:35:27,249
-What?
-To her?
579
00:35:27,417 --> 00:35:29,376
-What?
-Are you married to her?
580
00:35:29,544 --> 00:35:32,880
Not that it's any of
your fucking business, but no.
581
00:35:33,381 --> 00:35:34,799
Why?
582
00:36:19,553 --> 00:36:21,595
Whose house?
583
00:36:21,763 --> 00:36:24,139
Run's house
584
00:36:24,307 --> 00:36:26,851
I said, whose house?
585
00:36:27,018 --> 00:36:28,853
Run's house
586
00:36:29,020 --> 00:36:31,063
Whose house
Say what?
587
00:36:31,231 --> 00:36:33,440
Run's house
Say what?
588
00:36:33,608 --> 00:36:37,069
Martin
589
00:36:39,281 --> 00:36:42,283
She's fucking pissed, dude.
She's never gonna fuck us now.
590
00:36:42,450 --> 00:36:44,368
Maybe you,
but definitely not me.
591
00:36:44,536 --> 00:36:46,620
Let me know how she is.
592
00:36:46,788 --> 00:36:49,540
Nobody is fucking me!
You got that?
593
00:36:50,458 --> 00:36:52,710
I don't know what I was thinking
in that diner...
594
00:36:52,878 --> 00:36:55,963
...but being that I've decided to
go home, and not to New Jersey...
595
00:36:56,131 --> 00:36:58,591
...sorry for the inconvenience,
and goodbye.
596
00:36:59,301 --> 00:37:00,801
You're breaking up with us?
597
00:37:02,220 --> 00:37:04,471
Who the hell do you think
you are, lady?
598
00:37:04,639 --> 00:37:07,558
You can't just go around
breaking people's hearts like that!
599
00:37:07,726 --> 00:37:10,895
I fell in love with you!
We fell in love with you!
600
00:37:11,062 --> 00:37:14,148
Guys like us just don't fall out
of the fucking sky, you know.
601
00:37:21,865 --> 00:37:25,784
Beautiful, naked, big-tittied women
just don't fall out of the sky, you know.
602
00:37:39,799 --> 00:37:41,175
No heartbeat.
603
00:37:41,343 --> 00:37:44,136
Think someone threw him out a plane
with a message on him...
604
00:37:44,304 --> 00:37:45,679
...like in Con Air?
605
00:37:45,847 --> 00:37:48,474
-Did you ever see that flick?
-Oh, did that suck!
606
00:37:48,642 --> 00:37:51,185
-Con Air? Con Shit.
-Kill it! Kill it!
607
00:37:51,353 --> 00:37:54,355
-Sounds familiar.
-Jesus, are you okay?
608
00:37:54,522 --> 00:37:56,523
Yeah, it's Rufus.
And yeah, I'm fine.
609
00:37:56,691 --> 00:37:58,859
He's the fucking undead!
Cut his head off!
610
00:37:59,027 --> 00:38:01,820
Hey! What I just did gave me
a fucking migraine!
611
00:38:01,988 --> 00:38:05,991
So if you don't pipe down, I'm gonna
yank your sac off like a paper towel.
612
00:38:06,159 --> 00:38:08,535
Speaking of which,
you're awfully nude.
613
00:38:08,703 --> 00:38:11,372
-Rufus, is it?
-Yes, Rufus it is.
614
00:38:11,539 --> 00:38:15,876
It's usually Long Rufus, but it's
a little cold out here. You understand.
615
00:38:16,044 --> 00:38:19,296
Big Papa, how about lending a brother
your coat till I find threads?
616
00:38:21,216 --> 00:38:23,467
Dude, he fell out of thin air.
617
00:38:24,594 --> 00:38:27,888
Dude, his piece is gonna be rubbing
inside of your armor.
618
00:38:28,056 --> 00:38:30,349
-Dude!
-Thanks a lot, baby.
619
00:38:31,559 --> 00:38:33,602
I'll do my best to tuck it back.
620
00:38:33,770 --> 00:38:36,230
It's been a while since physics
but I would think...
621
00:38:36,398 --> 00:38:39,233
...the impact with which you hit
would have liquefied you.
622
00:38:39,401 --> 00:38:41,068
Death is a worry of the living.
623
00:38:41,236 --> 00:38:44,697
The dead, like myself, only worry
about decay and necrophiliacs.
624
00:38:44,864 --> 00:38:47,491
-Told you he was the undead.
-Not the undead. The dead.
625
00:38:47,659 --> 00:38:48,701
I died.
626
00:38:48,868 --> 00:38:51,036
Christ told me the secret
to resurrection once.
627
00:38:51,204 --> 00:38:54,665
We were at this wedding in Canaan.
And I got drunk and forgot it.
628
00:38:54,833 --> 00:38:56,500
Wait, wait, wait.
629
00:38:56,668 --> 00:38:58,460
Christ?
630
00:38:58,628 --> 00:39:00,587
You knew Christ?
631
00:39:00,755 --> 00:39:02,756
Knew him?
Shit, nigga owes me 1 2 bucks.
632
00:39:03,591 --> 00:39:04,675
Let me guess.
633
00:39:04,843 --> 00:39:07,261
-You're another angel?
-Oh, l ain't no angel.
634
00:39:07,429 --> 00:39:10,180
I'm a man, just like you and him.
Well, maybe not him.
635
00:39:10,348 --> 00:39:11,890
At least l was a man.
636
00:39:12,058 --> 00:39:15,144
Been dead nearly 2000 years.
Here, check this out.
637
00:39:16,354 --> 00:39:19,440
No wonder he saw Jesus.
Homey's rocking the ganj.
638
00:39:19,607 --> 00:39:21,692
It's not a joint.
639
00:39:21,860 --> 00:39:24,069
I can't read this.
640
00:39:24,237 --> 00:39:29,199
It's Aramaic. It says,
"Rufus, see you in two years. Jesus."
641
00:39:29,367 --> 00:39:32,453
Freaked me out because he basically
told me when my number was up.
642
00:39:32,620 --> 00:39:35,372
Took all the flavor out of
the remaining years. We gotta go.
643
00:39:35,540 --> 00:39:39,084
Let's say we continue this discussion
over a two-piece and a biscuit.
644
00:39:39,252 --> 00:39:41,754
I'm starving. Back off, Kato.
645
00:39:41,921 --> 00:39:43,088
Wait a second!
646
00:39:44,632 --> 00:39:46,925
Between guys with wings,
guys falling out of the sky...
647
00:39:47,093 --> 00:39:48,969
...and guys trying like hell
to fuck me...
648
00:39:49,137 --> 00:39:52,097
...l think I've been a pretty good sport
about all this so far.
649
00:39:52,265 --> 00:39:55,559
But l'm not going anywhere until
I find out where you came from.
650
00:39:55,727 --> 00:39:57,603
Me? I came from heaven.
651
00:39:57,771 --> 00:39:59,146
Now let's start walking.
652
00:39:59,314 --> 00:40:02,107
Walk? Fuck you! Do you know
how far we are from anywheres?
653
00:40:02,275 --> 00:40:06,361
Hey, man, back in the old days
with J.C., we used to walk everywhere.
654
00:40:06,529 --> 00:40:08,781
Did you ever hear of
a fat apostle?
655
00:40:13,369 --> 00:40:15,662
What the hell's an apostle?
656
00:40:39,354 --> 00:40:40,604
Let me get this straight.
657
00:40:40,772 --> 00:40:42,981
She's already met the prophets...
658
00:40:43,149 --> 00:40:45,150
...and the apostle's with them?
659
00:40:48,196 --> 00:40:50,364
I think that our best course
of action...
660
00:40:50,532 --> 00:40:53,951
...is to ensure that our parcel
is not found.
661
00:40:54,119 --> 00:40:58,664
And being that I can't even
trust you enough to kill a woman...
662
00:41:00,375 --> 00:41:02,876
...well, l'm left with no choice...
663
00:41:03,044 --> 00:41:07,089
...but to seek outside assistance
in guarding said package.
664
00:41:10,510 --> 00:41:12,553
I'm gonna have to summon
the Golgothan.
665
00:41:15,723 --> 00:41:18,058
I appreciate the loan.
You can have that back.
666
00:41:18,226 --> 00:41:21,520
I remember when all we had
for breakfast was fish and goat's milk.
667
00:41:21,688 --> 00:41:24,064
-What do you call this shit?
-Egga Mooby Muffin.
668
00:41:24,232 --> 00:41:27,317
Now, how about you start
explaining things, like for starters...
669
00:41:27,485 --> 00:41:28,819
...how did you find us?
670
00:41:28,987 --> 00:41:31,238
You know what the dead do
with most of their time?
671
00:41:31,406 --> 00:41:34,074
Watch the living.
Especially in the shower.
672
00:41:34,242 --> 00:41:35,742
I can't wait to die.
673
00:41:35,910 --> 00:41:37,661
And why are you watching me?
674
00:41:37,829 --> 00:41:40,080
Because you're gonna help me
get changes made...
675
00:41:40,248 --> 00:41:42,082
...in that book
you put so much stock in.
676
00:41:42,250 --> 00:41:44,543
-Hustler?
-The Bible!
677
00:41:44,711 --> 00:41:47,921
-What's your beef with the Bible?
-For starters, I'm not in it.
678
00:41:48,089 --> 00:41:50,591
Neither are we. You don't
hear us bitching and moaning.
679
00:41:50,758 --> 00:41:54,094
But l'm supposed to be in it.
I was the 1 3th apostle.
680
00:41:55,763 --> 00:41:59,766
I've gone to church my whole life and
never heard of Rufus, the 1 3th apostle.
681
00:41:59,934 --> 00:42:02,603
Yeah, but you heard of
the other 1 2 apostles.
682
00:42:02,770 --> 00:42:06,273
Yeah, all white boys, l might add.
But no mention of me, Rufus.
683
00:42:06,441 --> 00:42:08,901
And why is that?
Because I'm a black man.
684
00:42:09,068 --> 00:42:11,069
But you know what?
That's just my pet peeve.
685
00:42:11,237 --> 00:42:15,574
I'm mainly here to correct a major error
you've been basing the faith on.
686
00:42:15,742 --> 00:42:19,203
-What's that?
-Jesus wasn't white. Jesus was black.
687
00:42:19,370 --> 00:42:20,454
I don't buy it.
688
00:42:20,622 --> 00:42:24,708
If that's true, why did he get
written about and you were left out?
689
00:42:24,876 --> 00:42:26,835
Well, he is the son of God.
690
00:42:27,003 --> 00:42:29,296
Kind of hard to have
a New Testament without him.
691
00:42:29,464 --> 00:42:32,132
So you fudge a few facts,
you put a spin on his ethnicity.
692
00:42:32,300 --> 00:42:35,802
Leaving me out's okay because you
still got 12 white boys to choose from.
693
00:42:35,970 --> 00:42:37,304
You gonna listen to this shit?
694
00:42:37,472 --> 00:42:39,556
That's what the good people
of Antioch said...
695
00:42:39,724 --> 00:42:41,433
...right before they stoned my ass.
696
00:42:41,601 --> 00:42:42,643
You were martyred?
697
00:42:42,810 --> 00:42:44,645
That's one way of putting it.
698
00:42:44,812 --> 00:42:47,773
Another way is to say l was
bludgeoned by big fucking rocks.
699
00:42:47,941 --> 00:42:50,651
White folks only wanna hear
the good shit:
700
00:42:50,818 --> 00:42:52,986
Life eternal,
a place in God's heaven.
701
00:42:53,154 --> 00:42:55,739
But as soon as you hear
you're getting this good shit...
702
00:42:55,907 --> 00:42:57,449
...from a black Jesus, you freak.
703
00:42:57,617 --> 00:42:59,743
And that, my friends,
is called hypocrisy.
704
00:42:59,911 --> 00:43:04,498
A black man can steal your stereo,
but he can't be your savior.
705
00:43:04,666 --> 00:43:05,958
Gonna eat that hash brown?
706
00:43:07,043 --> 00:43:08,919
So you went to heaven?
707
00:43:09,087 --> 00:43:12,089
Damn right l went to heaven!
Shit, that's the least he could do.
708
00:43:12,257 --> 00:43:15,759
In the three years I followed his ass
around Jerusalem, did I ever get laid?
709
00:43:15,927 --> 00:43:18,804
Hell, no. And I was in my prime.
710
00:43:18,972 --> 00:43:21,515
I could have been knee-deep
in shepherds' daughters...
711
00:43:21,683 --> 00:43:24,184
...not to mention fine-ass
Mary Magdalene.
712
00:43:24,352 --> 00:43:26,186
She had a thing for dark meat.
713
00:43:26,354 --> 00:43:29,314
Maybe this is just me talking,
but if I were in heaven...
714
00:43:29,482 --> 00:43:32,484
...l wouldn't care what the Bible said
as long as the message was right.
715
00:43:32,652 --> 00:43:34,695
The message is what counts.
716
00:43:34,862 --> 00:43:38,532
But folks who build their faith
on that message should be colorblind.
717
00:43:38,700 --> 00:43:41,702
And all my rabble-rousing
is not doing that much above.
718
00:43:41,869 --> 00:43:43,578
So l'm gonna need
some help down here.
719
00:43:43,746 --> 00:43:47,499
That's why I'm gonna help stop those
angels from getting into that church...
720
00:43:47,667 --> 00:43:50,168
...in exchange for you helping me
with my campaign.
721
00:43:50,336 --> 00:43:53,005
How do you know about that,
the angels?
722
00:43:53,172 --> 00:43:56,216
-Isn't much I don't know about you.
-I find that hard to believe.
723
00:43:56,384 --> 00:44:00,554
When you were 5, you let a kid
from next door piss in your hand.
724
00:44:00,722 --> 00:44:04,057
You did that shit? You're nasty.
725
00:44:04,225 --> 00:44:06,643
I never told anybody about that.
726
00:44:06,811 --> 00:44:08,395
Neither did he.
727
00:44:08,563 --> 00:44:11,315
Two years later,
that kid died of leukemia.
728
00:44:11,482 --> 00:44:14,067
-His name was Brian Johnson.
-Brian Johnson.
729
00:44:14,235 --> 00:44:16,320
See, your exploits,
no matter how inane...
730
00:44:16,487 --> 00:44:18,405
...are well documented in heaven.
731
00:44:18,573 --> 00:44:20,324
Probably hell too.
732
00:44:25,913 --> 00:44:27,205
Where are you going?
733
00:44:27,373 --> 00:44:29,082
Yo, man, tell me
something about me.
734
00:44:29,250 --> 00:44:32,127
You masturbate more
than anyone on the planet.
735
00:44:32,295 --> 00:44:35,088
Fuck. Everyone knows that.
Tell me something nobody knows.
736
00:44:35,256 --> 00:44:37,591
When you do it,
you're thinking about guys.
737
00:44:41,012 --> 00:44:43,889
-Dude, not all the time.
-Sorry if I scared you.
738
00:44:47,060 --> 00:44:50,937
Two-thirds of me wants to
forget about this and go home.
739
00:44:51,105 --> 00:44:53,607
Yesterday, I wasn't sure
if God even existed.
740
00:44:53,775 --> 00:44:57,194
Now l'm up to my ass
in Christian mythology.
741
00:44:57,362 --> 00:45:01,114
Let me let you in
on a little inside info.
742
00:45:01,282 --> 00:45:06,244
God hates it when
it's referred to as "mythology."
743
00:45:07,080 --> 00:45:11,875
Oh, well, then let's ask the "prophets"
what we should call it instead.
744
00:45:14,837 --> 00:45:17,172
Where did those two assholes go?
745
00:45:34,982 --> 00:45:36,983
What are you doing?
746
00:45:37,151 --> 00:45:39,069
Proving to this bastard
I ain't gay.
747
00:45:39,237 --> 00:45:41,154
-What?
-Long story. Forget it.
748
00:45:41,322 --> 00:45:43,573
We gotta get moving.
How can we get to Jersey?
749
00:45:43,741 --> 00:45:45,659
The train. l'll call for reservations.
750
00:46:42,550 --> 00:46:45,427
I thought she looked familiar.
751
00:46:45,595 --> 00:46:47,137
-Who?
-Serendipity.
752
00:47:00,526 --> 00:47:01,568
Morning, shoppers.
753
00:47:02,153 --> 00:47:03,403
Good morning.
754
00:47:04,363 --> 00:47:06,740
-Has anyone seen the overnights?
-No, sir.
755
00:47:08,159 --> 00:47:09,701
-We creamed them.
-All right.
756
00:47:12,413 --> 00:47:15,040
Last night was a rerun,
which says to me--
757
00:47:17,585 --> 00:47:19,544
Do I smell onions?
758
00:47:26,052 --> 00:47:27,302
Excuse me.
759
00:47:30,765 --> 00:47:33,225
May I ask what you're doing
in my boardroom?
760
00:47:34,185 --> 00:47:37,103
You may proceed, mon ami.
761
00:47:40,608 --> 00:47:42,692
I'm gonna have to start
by apologizing.
762
00:47:42,860 --> 00:47:45,695
My friend has a bit of a penchant
for the dramatic.
763
00:47:45,863 --> 00:47:47,447
Oh, come on!
764
00:47:49,617 --> 00:47:52,661
Would you just relax? I'm doing it.
765
00:47:54,455 --> 00:47:56,915
Mooby, the Golden Calf.
766
00:47:57,083 --> 00:48:01,378
Created by Nancy Goldruff,
a former kindergarten teacher, in 1 989.
767
00:48:01,546 --> 00:48:04,214
Bought by the Complex Corporation
in 1 991 .
768
00:48:04,382 --> 00:48:08,051
Broadcast nationally
as the Mooby Fun-Time Hour.
769
00:48:08,219 --> 00:48:12,639
Since its inception,
has spawned two theatrical films...
770
00:48:12,807 --> 00:48:16,685
...1 6 records,
eight prime-time specials...
771
00:48:16,852 --> 00:48:21,356
...and a library
of priced-to-own videocassettes.
772
00:48:21,524 --> 00:48:25,402
Not to mention
bicoastal theme parks...
773
00:48:25,570 --> 00:48:28,029
...dubbed "Mooby World."
774
00:48:28,197 --> 00:48:30,448
Did l miss anything?
775
00:48:30,616 --> 00:48:32,284
You forgot Mooby Magazine.
776
00:48:32,451 --> 00:48:33,785
Damn it!
777
00:48:33,953 --> 00:48:35,579
Now, is there a point to this?
778
00:48:35,746 --> 00:48:39,416
You and your board are idolaters.
779
00:48:41,502 --> 00:48:44,337
I can't believe you forgot
the magazine.
780
00:48:46,507 --> 00:48:48,008
That's you.
781
00:48:49,343 --> 00:48:51,469
Do you know much about voodoo?
782
00:48:53,014 --> 00:48:56,224
That's a fascinating practice.
No real doctrine of faith to speak of.
783
00:48:56,392 --> 00:48:59,019
More an arrangement
of superstitions...
784
00:48:59,186 --> 00:49:01,104
...the most well-known of which...
785
00:49:01,272 --> 00:49:02,689
...is the voodoo doll.
786
00:49:02,857 --> 00:49:04,316
You see...
787
00:49:12,658 --> 00:49:15,619
...a mockup of an individual
is subjected...
788
00:49:15,786 --> 00:49:17,829
...to various pokes and prods.
789
00:49:17,997 --> 00:49:22,042
The desired result is that
the individual will feel those effects.
790
00:49:22,209 --> 00:49:23,668
-Call security, now!
-Yes, sir.
791
00:49:28,507 --> 00:49:31,051
All lines are currently down.
792
00:49:31,218 --> 00:49:33,511
-I have to apologize--
-Would you knock it off?
793
00:49:33,679 --> 00:49:36,056
You're doing it again. Stop.
What did we talk about?
794
00:49:37,266 --> 00:49:40,560
You are responsible
for raising an icon...
795
00:49:40,728 --> 00:49:42,604
...which draws worship
from the Lord.
796
00:49:42,772 --> 00:49:45,023
You have broken
the First Commandment.
797
00:49:45,483 --> 00:49:48,068
More than that,
I'm afraid not a one of you...
798
00:49:48,235 --> 00:49:50,904
...passes for a decent human being.
799
00:49:51,072 --> 00:49:55,408
Your continued existence
is a mockery of morality.
800
00:49:55,576 --> 00:49:57,410
Like you, Mr. Burton.
801
00:49:57,578 --> 00:50:00,997
Last year, you cheated on your wife
of 1 7 years eight times.
802
00:50:01,165 --> 00:50:03,249
You even had sex
with her best friend...
803
00:50:03,417 --> 00:50:07,671
...while you were supposed to
be home watching the kids.
804
00:50:07,838 --> 00:50:11,257
In the bed that you
and your wife share, no less.
805
00:50:11,425 --> 00:50:12,425
Mr. Newman.
806
00:50:12,593 --> 00:50:15,261
You got your girlfriend drunk
at last year's Christmas party...
807
00:50:15,429 --> 00:50:17,597
...and then paid a kid
from the mail room...
808
00:50:17,765 --> 00:50:20,225
...to have sex with her
while she was passed out...
809
00:50:20,393 --> 00:50:22,936
...just so you could break up
with her guilt-free...
810
00:50:23,104 --> 00:50:25,355
...when she sobbingly confessed
in the morning.
811
00:50:26,899 --> 00:50:29,609
She killed herself
three months later.
812
00:50:29,777 --> 00:50:32,612
Mr. Brace disowned his gay son.
813
00:50:32,780 --> 00:50:34,614
Very compassionate, Mr. Brace.
814
00:50:34,782 --> 00:50:37,784
Mr. Ray put his mother
in a third-rate nursing home...
815
00:50:37,952 --> 00:50:41,204
...and used the profits
from the sale of her home...
816
00:50:41,372 --> 00:50:45,125
...to buy an Oriental rug for himself.
817
00:50:45,292 --> 00:50:46,918
Heavens.
818
00:50:47,086 --> 00:50:49,713
Mr. Barker flew to Thailand
on the company account...
819
00:50:49,880 --> 00:50:53,466
...to have sex with
an 1 1-year-old boy.
820
00:50:53,634 --> 00:50:56,594
Mr. Holtzman okayed the production
of Mooby Dolls...
821
00:50:56,762 --> 00:50:59,431
...from materials he knew
to be toxic and unsafe...
822
00:50:59,598 --> 00:51:01,933
...because it was, survey says...
823
00:51:03,436 --> 00:51:05,228
...less costly.
824
00:51:05,396 --> 00:51:08,314
You, on the other hand...
825
00:51:08,482 --> 00:51:10,650
...are an innocent.
826
00:51:10,818 --> 00:51:12,610
You lead a good life.
827
00:51:12,778 --> 00:51:13,820
Good for you.
828
00:51:14,697 --> 00:51:17,699
But you, Mr. Whitland...
829
00:51:17,867 --> 00:51:21,745
...you have more skeletons in
your closet than this assembled party.
830
00:51:21,912 --> 00:51:24,581
I cannot even mention them aloud.
831
00:51:28,419 --> 00:51:32,046
You're his father, you sick fuck.
832
00:51:35,134 --> 00:51:36,676
-Good.
-Not bad, right?
833
00:51:36,844 --> 00:51:38,720
That's great work. Very good.
834
00:51:40,097 --> 00:51:41,598
Well...
835
00:51:42,767 --> 00:51:44,851
...alone at last.
836
00:51:45,019 --> 00:51:47,479
With the exception of
Miss Pryce here...
837
00:51:47,646 --> 00:51:51,357
...there isn't a decent human being
amongst you.
838
00:51:51,525 --> 00:51:53,193
Not one.
839
00:51:53,360 --> 00:51:56,863
Do you know what makes
a human being decent?
840
00:51:57,031 --> 00:51:58,198
Fear.
841
00:51:58,365 --> 00:52:00,366
And therein lies the problem.
842
00:52:00,534 --> 00:52:03,369
None of you has anything
left to fear anymore.
843
00:52:03,537 --> 00:52:06,873
You rest comfortably in seats
of inscrutable power...
844
00:52:07,041 --> 00:52:10,210
...hiding behind your false idol,
far from judgment...
845
00:52:10,377 --> 00:52:13,880
...lives shrouded in secrecy,
even from one another.
846
00:52:15,341 --> 00:52:17,258
But not from God.
847
00:52:22,264 --> 00:52:24,390
Forgot my little voodoo doll.
848
00:52:26,477 --> 00:52:30,063
Man, it really looks
just like you, doesn't it?
849
00:52:30,231 --> 00:52:33,900
Look, if I believed enough in this...
850
00:52:34,068 --> 00:52:35,610
...l wonder--
851
00:52:52,419 --> 00:52:55,755
Come on. I don't believe in voodoo.
852
00:52:59,885 --> 00:53:01,761
Voodoo.
853
00:53:08,853 --> 00:53:11,354
But l do believe in this.
854
00:53:11,522 --> 00:53:13,815
Don't run! Don't run!
855
00:53:13,983 --> 00:53:17,694
Fakes! Fakes! All of you, fakes!
Oh, and you!
856
00:53:19,238 --> 00:53:21,447
"But I do believe in this."
857
00:53:21,615 --> 00:53:22,949
What does that mean?
858
00:53:23,117 --> 00:53:24,450
And one to grow on.
859
00:53:30,624 --> 00:53:31,624
Gum?
860
00:53:33,043 --> 00:53:35,587
Go on. It's okay.
861
00:53:35,754 --> 00:53:37,714
You've done nothing wrong.
862
00:53:37,882 --> 00:53:40,884
These guys were fakes.
863
00:53:41,051 --> 00:53:43,303
You're a pure soul.
864
00:53:44,972 --> 00:53:47,473
But you didn't say "God bless you"
when I sneezed.
865
00:53:48,642 --> 00:53:50,435
Loki!
866
00:53:52,146 --> 00:53:53,479
You're getting off light.
867
00:53:53,647 --> 00:53:55,982
-Loki!
-I know. l'm coming.
868
00:53:59,653 --> 00:54:01,404
You're so lucky.
869
00:54:05,492 --> 00:54:08,286
I forgot you were down here.
How long now?
870
00:54:08,454 --> 00:54:09,787
Three years this August.
871
00:54:09,955 --> 00:54:13,499
Let me guess, 14th apostle, left out
of the Bible because she's a woman?
872
00:54:13,667 --> 00:54:14,834
This girl's no woman.
873
00:54:15,002 --> 00:54:17,921
Oh. Those weren't tits
I saw Jay cozying up to?
874
00:54:18,088 --> 00:54:19,714
What, these?
875
00:54:19,882 --> 00:54:24,010
You should know better than anyone
here that tits don't make a woman.
876
00:54:24,178 --> 00:54:26,471
The tubby, coat-wearing
motherfucker's got tits.
877
00:54:26,639 --> 00:54:30,058
What traditionally defines a woman
falls between two things:
878
00:54:30,225 --> 00:54:31,851
Her legs.
879
00:54:32,019 --> 00:54:34,354
But as you can see...
880
00:54:34,521 --> 00:54:36,189
...l lack definition.
881
00:54:36,357 --> 00:54:39,984
Hey, they're getting a free show!
Let me see that shit!
882
00:54:40,152 --> 00:54:43,071
Oh, God,
another angel like Metatron.
883
00:54:43,238 --> 00:54:45,823
How do you know--?
How does she know Metatron?
884
00:54:45,991 --> 00:54:47,867
This is the last scion.
885
00:54:48,869 --> 00:54:50,912
You're kidding.
886
00:54:53,415 --> 00:54:54,415
I'm confused.
887
00:54:54,583 --> 00:54:58,544
Bethany, Serendipity here
isn't technically an angel.
888
00:54:58,712 --> 00:55:02,340
Nor is she, by any means,
a human being like l was and you are.
889
00:55:02,508 --> 00:55:06,177
-I used to be an abstract.
-Now l'm really confused.
890
00:55:06,345 --> 00:55:07,804
I'm a muse, stupid.
891
00:55:08,931 --> 00:55:11,474
I can't take much more of this.
892
00:55:11,642 --> 00:55:13,226
So you, what, inspire people?
893
00:55:13,394 --> 00:55:15,561
What just went down
with your friends there....
894
00:55:15,729 --> 00:55:19,023
It doesn't take a muse to inspire
horny retards to empty their wallets.
895
00:55:19,191 --> 00:55:21,067
I used to specialize
in entertainment.
896
00:55:21,235 --> 00:55:26,656
For example, l'm responsible for 1 9 of
the 20 top-grossing films of all time.
897
00:55:26,824 --> 00:55:29,325
-Nineteen?
-Yeah.
898
00:55:29,493 --> 00:55:32,328
The one about the kid
by himself in his house...
899
00:55:32,496 --> 00:55:35,415
...burglars trying to come in
and he fights them off...
900
00:55:35,582 --> 00:55:37,750
...l had nothing to do
with that one.
901
00:55:38,252 --> 00:55:42,171
Somebody sold their soul to Satan to
get grosses up on that piece of shit.
902
00:56:00,607 --> 00:56:02,900
What are you doing stripping?
903
00:56:03,068 --> 00:56:04,402
You remember why l left?
904
00:56:04,570 --> 00:56:07,905
Because you were tired of getting
none of the credit for your ideas.
905
00:56:08,073 --> 00:56:11,117
So l opted to quit being a muse
and write for myself.
906
00:56:11,285 --> 00:56:15,121
I gave my two weeks' notice,
got a body, 50 bucks...
907
00:56:15,289 --> 00:56:18,249
...and got sent out into the world
to make my fortune.
908
00:56:18,417 --> 00:56:19,959
So, what happened?
909
00:56:21,170 --> 00:56:22,712
Writer's block.
910
00:56:22,880 --> 00:56:25,631
Can you believe it?
Me, a muse, for God's sake.
911
00:56:25,799 --> 00:56:29,761
I can inspire anyone I meet and give
out a zillion and nine ideas a second...
912
00:56:29,928 --> 00:56:31,763
...but l can't keep any for myself.
913
00:56:33,432 --> 00:56:35,767
Her quirky sense of humor.
914
00:56:35,934 --> 00:56:38,061
-Whose?
-God's.
915
00:56:38,228 --> 00:56:41,105
-You're saying God's a woman?
-Was there a doubt in your mind?
916
00:56:41,273 --> 00:56:42,982
He's always referred to as "him."
917
00:56:43,150 --> 00:56:44,692
Well, that's not how l wrote it.
918
00:56:44,860 --> 00:56:46,986
But one of the drawbacks
to being intangible...
919
00:56:47,154 --> 00:56:49,655
...is that you have no say
in the editorial process.
920
00:56:49,823 --> 00:56:52,825
The people that held the pens
added their own perspective...
921
00:56:52,993 --> 00:56:55,411
...and all the penholders were men.
922
00:56:55,579 --> 00:56:59,415
So she became a he.
Doesn't stop with God either.
923
00:56:59,583 --> 00:57:01,542
The whole book's gender-biased.
924
00:57:01,710 --> 00:57:03,836
A woman's responsible
for original sin.
925
00:57:04,004 --> 00:57:06,130
A woman cuts Samson's
coif of power.
926
00:57:06,298 --> 00:57:09,592
A woman asks for the head
of John the Baptist.
927
00:57:09,760 --> 00:57:11,135
Read that book again.
928
00:57:11,303 --> 00:57:14,347
Women are bigger antagonists than
Egyptians and Romans combined.
929
00:57:14,515 --> 00:57:15,681
It stinks.
930
00:57:22,147 --> 00:57:23,815
Why is the last scion here?
931
00:57:23,982 --> 00:57:26,859
Bartleby and Loki.
They found a way back.
932
00:57:27,027 --> 00:57:30,113
-Not the plenary-indulgence loophole.
-You know about that?
933
00:57:30,280 --> 00:57:32,782
I always knew that thing
was a bad idea.
934
00:57:32,950 --> 00:57:35,118
Leave it to the Catholics
to destroy existence.
935
00:57:35,285 --> 00:57:37,703
You have issues with Catholicism,
I take it?
936
00:57:37,871 --> 00:57:41,374
I have issues with those who treat God
like a burden instead of a blessing...
937
00:57:41,542 --> 00:57:42,792
...like some Catholics.
938
00:57:42,960 --> 00:57:45,837
You people don't celebrate your faith,
you mourn it.
939
00:57:46,004 --> 00:57:50,133
-If we're wrong, what religion is right?
-It's not about who's right or wrong.
940
00:57:50,300 --> 00:57:52,135
No denomination's nailed it yet...
941
00:57:52,302 --> 00:57:54,846
...because they're all
too self-righteous to realize...
942
00:57:55,013 --> 00:57:59,851
...that it doesn't matter what you have
faith in, just that you have faith.
943
00:58:00,018 --> 00:58:04,355
Your hearts are in the right place,
but your brains gotta wake up.
944
00:58:06,817 --> 00:58:09,318
Look, they made me and Silent Bob
part of the gang.
945
00:58:15,284 --> 00:58:17,243
Who fucking farted?
946
00:58:18,745 --> 00:58:21,914
Not born. Shit into existence.
947
00:58:25,419 --> 00:58:28,171
Sweet Christ,
somebody wants you bad!
948
00:58:28,338 --> 00:58:30,756
-What is that thing?
-An excremental.
949
00:58:30,924 --> 00:58:33,092
-The Golgothan.
-A what?
950
00:58:33,260 --> 00:58:34,552
A shit demon!
951
00:58:34,720 --> 00:58:38,264
No man of woman born!
952
00:58:39,433 --> 00:58:42,226
-Friend of yours?
-Is this smelly fuck with us?
953
00:58:42,394 --> 00:58:43,936
It came for Bethany!
954
00:58:44,104 --> 00:58:46,939
Smoke that motherfucker
like it ain't no thing!
955
00:58:47,107 --> 00:58:49,442
Damn! l knew I was gonna
whack somebody today!
956
00:58:49,610 --> 00:58:51,444
Yo, get your fucking hand back.
957
00:58:51,612 --> 00:58:52,778
Represent!
958
00:58:54,239 --> 00:58:56,616
Go! Go! Go!
959
00:59:17,971 --> 00:59:20,306
Looks like we're in charge
of the gang now.
960
00:59:21,808 --> 00:59:23,226
Over the bar! Come on!
961
00:59:32,819 --> 00:59:36,155
-Where did that thing come from?
-Ever heard of Golgotha?
962
00:59:36,323 --> 00:59:38,199
The hill where Christ
was crucified?
963
00:59:38,367 --> 00:59:41,077
It wasn't just Christ.
The Romans crucified everyone there.
964
00:59:41,245 --> 00:59:44,664
Christ excluded, they were criminals.
Killers, brigands, thieves, rapists.
965
00:59:44,831 --> 00:59:47,917
Whenever the crucified expired,
their bodies lost muscle control...
966
00:59:48,085 --> 00:59:50,503
...spilling bowel and bladder
in the process...
967
00:59:50,671 --> 00:59:53,422
...the result of which is
that walking pile of crap there.
968
00:59:53,590 --> 00:59:56,592
The Golgothan shit demon,
hell's chief assassin.
969
00:59:56,760 --> 00:59:58,469
And it's here for you, girlie.
970
01:00:03,558 --> 01:00:06,143
-Bob, get down!
-Matches! Matches!
971
01:00:38,218 --> 01:00:40,720
-You the man.
-How?
972
01:00:42,556 --> 01:00:44,181
"Knocks strong odors out."
973
01:00:44,808 --> 01:00:47,810
-Way to go, biggie.
-Why would you ever carry this?
974
01:00:49,855 --> 01:00:50,980
What?
975
01:00:51,148 --> 01:00:52,982
Whoever sent this might send more.
976
01:00:53,150 --> 01:00:57,028
I suggest you take the princess
and get as far away as possible.
977
01:00:57,195 --> 01:00:59,655
I'll try to get something
out of poopy boy here.
978
01:00:59,823 --> 01:01:02,575
If he tells me something,
I'll let you know.
979
01:01:03,744 --> 01:01:06,078
Hello. We'd like two tickets
to New Jersey, please.
980
01:01:06,246 --> 01:01:08,873
-Jersey's sold out, sir.
-What?
981
01:01:09,041 --> 01:01:10,541
There's one same time tomorrow.
982
01:01:10,709 --> 01:01:14,545
Don't underestimate the staggering
drawing power of the Garden State...
983
01:01:14,713 --> 01:01:16,922
...and show up
two hours in advance.
984
01:01:19,259 --> 01:01:20,634
Nice.
985
01:01:20,802 --> 01:01:23,637
Your hard-on for smiting
has prevented us from negotiating...
986
01:01:23,805 --> 01:01:27,850
...what ought to be the relatively simple
matter of catching or staying on a bus.
987
01:01:28,018 --> 01:01:29,602
Bus, schmus.
988
01:01:29,770 --> 01:01:34,273
Why should we fall victim to gravity
when we can just as easily rise above?
989
01:01:34,441 --> 01:01:36,776
-You mean fly?
-We got wings, right?
990
01:01:36,943 --> 01:01:38,444
Fuck, let's use them!
991
01:01:38,612 --> 01:01:40,988
I wouldn't suggest that.
992
01:01:42,407 --> 01:01:44,158
You see, kids...
993
01:01:44,326 --> 01:01:47,953
...you wouldn't want to look like
a couple of fairies, now, would you?
994
01:01:53,377 --> 01:01:55,419
Look at this pimp.
How'd you get out of hell?
995
01:01:55,587 --> 01:01:57,713
I said l was coming up
on a routine possession.
996
01:01:57,881 --> 01:02:01,092
I don't have much time. They figure
out my ruse, they'll come for me.
997
01:02:01,259 --> 01:02:04,845
-What's with bringing us in here?
-You're inches from getting caught.
998
01:02:05,013 --> 01:02:08,432
Going around killing people,
about to uncase your wings.
999
01:02:08,600 --> 01:02:10,434
Don't you know what's going on?
1000
01:02:10,602 --> 01:02:12,436
Well, we're going home.
1001
01:02:12,604 --> 01:02:16,982
Really. Are you so clueless as to think
you can just waltz back into heaven?
1002
01:02:17,150 --> 01:02:19,610
-Why not?
-Everybody is looking for you.
1003
01:02:19,778 --> 01:02:22,613
Both sides. Above and below.
1004
01:02:22,781 --> 01:02:24,990
Orders are to terminate you
on sight.
1005
01:02:25,158 --> 01:02:26,450
-Really?
-Why?
1006
01:02:26,618 --> 01:02:28,702
Because you're pissing people off,
that's why.
1007
01:02:30,122 --> 01:02:32,665
Word is that God's pissed off
at your presumption...
1008
01:02:32,833 --> 01:02:36,001
...and I know Lucifer's pissed because
you might make him look bad...
1009
01:02:36,169 --> 01:02:38,003
...by succeeding where he's failed.
1010
01:02:38,171 --> 01:02:41,173
-So they're just gonna kill us?
-They're gonna try.
1011
01:02:41,341 --> 01:02:44,176
That's why you have to
travel incognito.
1012
01:02:44,344 --> 01:02:47,304
Tone down your behavior.
Stay off their respective radars.
1013
01:02:47,472 --> 01:02:49,348
Quit killing people.
That's high-profile.
1014
01:02:49,516 --> 01:02:52,309
-Oh, lighten up.
-I can't believe they wanna kill us.
1015
01:02:52,477 --> 01:02:54,353
Oh, believe it, boys.
1016
01:02:55,605 --> 01:02:57,815
They've even got the last scion
looking for you.
1017
01:02:57,983 --> 01:02:59,650
-Really?
-You're kidding.
1018
01:02:59,818 --> 01:03:02,695
This is huge. Your reentry
is a thorn in a lot of sides.
1019
01:03:02,863 --> 01:03:04,697
They'll stop at nothing
to prevent it.
1020
01:03:04,948 --> 01:03:08,033
Meanwhile, l suggest you find
an alternate mode of transportation.
1021
01:03:08,201 --> 01:03:10,202
If anything else comes up,
I'll contact you.
1022
01:03:10,370 --> 01:03:13,456
Thank you, Azrael.
You're a true friend.
1023
01:03:13,623 --> 01:03:16,459
I have to get back to the pit
before they get suspicious.
1024
01:03:16,626 --> 01:03:20,212
And remember, incognito.
1025
01:03:25,177 --> 01:03:27,219
How you coping, kid?
1026
01:03:27,387 --> 01:03:29,013
It's weird.
1027
01:03:29,181 --> 01:03:31,682
Just when I think
I have a handle on things...
1028
01:03:31,850 --> 01:03:35,019
...something wholly unbelievable
presents itself.
1029
01:03:35,187 --> 01:03:37,646
Sometimes I wish
I'd just stayed home.
1030
01:03:37,814 --> 01:03:40,399
You sound like the man.
1031
01:03:40,567 --> 01:03:41,859
What's he like?
1032
01:03:42,027 --> 01:03:44,487
He likes to listen to people talk.
1033
01:03:44,654 --> 01:03:47,990
Christ loved to sit around the fire,
listen to me and the other guys.
1034
01:03:48,158 --> 01:03:50,576
Whenever we were going on
about unimportant shit...
1035
01:03:50,744 --> 01:03:52,703
...he always had a smile
on his face.
1036
01:03:52,871 --> 01:03:54,830
His only real beef with mankind...
1037
01:03:54,998 --> 01:03:58,167
...is the shit that gets carried out
in his name.
1038
01:03:58,335 --> 01:04:01,629
Wars, bigotry, televangelism.
1039
01:04:01,796 --> 01:04:05,382
The big one, though,
is the factioning of all the religions.
1040
01:04:05,550 --> 01:04:07,384
He said mankind got it all wrong...
1041
01:04:07,552 --> 01:04:10,930
...by taking a good idea
and building a belief structure on it.
1042
01:04:11,097 --> 01:04:13,682
You're saying having beliefs
is a bad thing?
1043
01:04:13,850 --> 01:04:15,851
I just think it's better
to have ideas.
1044
01:04:16,019 --> 01:04:19,063
You can change an idea.
Changing a belief is trickier.
1045
01:04:19,231 --> 01:04:21,607
People die for it. People kill for it.
1046
01:04:21,775 --> 01:04:24,109
The whole of existence
is in jeopardy right now...
1047
01:04:24,277 --> 01:04:29,323
...because of the Catholic beliefs
regarding this plenary-indulgence shit.
1048
01:04:29,491 --> 01:04:31,784
Bartleby and Loki,
whether they know it or not...
1049
01:04:31,952 --> 01:04:33,702
...are exploiting that belief...
1050
01:04:33,870 --> 01:04:35,412
...and if they're successful...
1051
01:04:35,580 --> 01:04:39,500
...you, me, all of this
ends in a heartbeat.
1052
01:04:39,668 --> 01:04:41,585
All over a belief.
1053
01:04:43,880 --> 01:04:47,800
I haven't seen the moron twins
in a while. How about you?
1054
01:04:47,968 --> 01:04:50,928
One time we were at the mall,
we tied Tubby to the ceiling...
1055
01:04:51,096 --> 01:04:54,431
...and he went flying through the air,
fucking crashed through the wall.
1056
01:04:54,599 --> 01:04:55,849
It was fucked up.
1057
01:04:56,017 --> 01:04:58,352
You two aren't getting into
any trouble, are you?
1058
01:04:58,520 --> 01:05:02,189
No. We're just about to smoke a fatty
with these two suave motherfuckers...
1059
01:05:02,357 --> 01:05:05,568
...who just got on at the last stop.
This is Larry and Barry.
1060
01:05:05,735 --> 01:05:06,986
-Hi.
-Hey.
1061
01:05:07,153 --> 01:05:09,655
So Jay tells us
you're gonna sleep with him.
1062
01:05:14,869 --> 01:05:17,204
Hit this shit, man. It's good stuff.
1063
01:05:18,248 --> 01:05:19,915
Oh, fuck.
1064
01:05:23,253 --> 01:05:25,629
That's some bad shit, dude.
1065
01:05:25,797 --> 01:05:27,673
You hit that?
1066
01:05:30,093 --> 01:05:32,011
Yeah, you're bad, dude.
1067
01:05:35,223 --> 01:05:36,640
Bad shit.
1068
01:05:37,684 --> 01:05:40,144
So why are you
heading to New Jersey?
1069
01:05:40,312 --> 01:05:43,647
It's just this thing I have to do.
1070
01:05:43,815 --> 01:05:45,190
We're going home.
1071
01:05:45,358 --> 01:05:48,027
Oh. Do you two live together?
1072
01:05:48,194 --> 01:05:49,987
Unfortunately, yes.
1073
01:05:52,699 --> 01:05:55,367
So how long have you two
been together?
1074
01:05:56,703 --> 01:05:58,495
A while.
1075
01:05:58,663 --> 01:06:02,291
He can be pretty flaky sometimes,
but we have a lot in common.
1076
01:06:02,709 --> 01:06:03,959
How'd you meet?
1077
01:06:04,127 --> 01:06:05,628
We were stationed together.
1078
01:06:05,795 --> 01:06:08,047
See, that's beautiful.
1079
01:06:08,214 --> 01:06:12,009
Everybody's always up in arms
about this "out in the military" issue.
1080
01:06:13,178 --> 01:06:14,219
Pardon?
1081
01:06:14,387 --> 01:06:18,557
There's all that macho bullshit
about it being "this man's army."
1082
01:06:18,725 --> 01:06:20,893
And you two meet there, hook up--
1083
01:06:21,936 --> 01:06:25,064
You think we're lovers?
No, no. We're not gay.
1084
01:06:25,231 --> 01:06:27,566
Oh, God. I'm sorry.
1085
01:06:27,734 --> 01:06:30,736
-I just assumed.
-Do I come off as gay?
1086
01:06:31,279 --> 01:06:33,489
-No.
-All right.
1087
01:06:33,657 --> 01:06:36,742
My ex-husband sort of screwed up
my relationship awareness barometer.
1088
01:06:36,910 --> 01:06:39,411
-You're divorced.
-That's a nice way of putting it.
1089
01:06:39,579 --> 01:06:41,080
I call it being dumped.
1090
01:06:41,247 --> 01:06:43,123
I was...
1091
01:06:43,291 --> 01:06:44,875
...dumped once.
1092
01:06:45,043 --> 01:06:47,878
Don't you just constantly
question your value?
1093
01:06:48,046 --> 01:06:50,589
Like, why was I so easy
to cast aside?
1094
01:06:50,757 --> 01:06:54,259
And you wonder if the other party
is gonna come to their senses...
1095
01:06:54,427 --> 01:06:55,761
...and call you back.
1096
01:06:55,929 --> 01:06:59,264
And they always tell you
it'll hurt less with time.
1097
01:06:59,432 --> 01:07:01,433
When actually...
1098
01:07:01,601 --> 01:07:03,227
...it hurts more.
1099
01:07:07,190 --> 01:07:08,857
You know what we need?
1100
01:07:09,025 --> 01:07:10,776
What do we need?
1101
01:07:10,944 --> 01:07:12,361
We need drinks.
1102
01:07:14,531 --> 01:07:15,906
We need a lot of drinks.
1103
01:07:17,575 --> 01:07:19,451
Garçon.
1104
01:07:26,167 --> 01:07:27,876
You're saying you still
go to church?
1105
01:07:28,044 --> 01:07:30,129
Every Sunday.
1106
01:07:30,296 --> 01:07:32,589
Does it--? I mean, does it
do anything for you?
1107
01:07:32,757 --> 01:07:35,801
It gives me time to balance
my checkbook every week.
1108
01:07:35,969 --> 01:07:39,972
That's what I'm saying. People don't
go to church to feel spiritual anymore.
1109
01:07:40,140 --> 01:07:42,307
They go to church and feel bored...
1110
01:07:42,475 --> 01:07:45,769
...but they keep going every week
just out of habit.
1111
01:07:45,937 --> 01:07:48,147
I am so buzzed.
1112
01:07:49,816 --> 01:07:52,651
When do you think
you lost your faith?
1113
01:07:52,819 --> 01:07:55,028
I remember the exact moment.
1114
01:07:57,657 --> 01:08:01,326
I was on the phone
with my mother...
1115
01:08:01,494 --> 01:08:05,456
...and she was trying to counsel me
through this....
1116
01:08:06,583 --> 01:08:08,333
This thing.
1117
01:08:10,128 --> 01:08:14,506
And when nothing she was saying
was making me feel any better...
1118
01:08:14,674 --> 01:08:16,508
...she said:
1119
01:08:16,676 --> 01:08:18,469
"Bethany...
1120
01:08:18,636 --> 01:08:20,846
...God has a plan."
1121
01:08:23,933 --> 01:08:27,644
I was-- I was so angry with her.
1122
01:08:29,731 --> 01:08:31,273
I was like:
1123
01:08:31,441 --> 01:08:33,275
"What about my plans?"
1124
01:08:33,443 --> 01:08:35,194
You know?
1125
01:08:35,361 --> 01:08:38,322
I had planned to have a family...
1126
01:08:38,490 --> 01:08:40,032
...with my husband.
1127
01:08:40,200 --> 01:08:43,118
Wasn't that plan
good enough for God?
1128
01:08:47,040 --> 01:08:48,874
Apparently not.
1129
01:08:52,253 --> 01:08:56,256
How about you?
When did you lose your faith?
1130
01:08:57,425 --> 01:08:59,593
A long time ago.
1131
01:08:59,761 --> 01:09:03,180
One day God just stopped listening.
1132
01:09:03,348 --> 01:09:04,640
I kept talking...
1133
01:09:04,808 --> 01:09:07,810
...but l got the distinct impression
he wasn't listening anymore.
1134
01:09:07,977 --> 01:09:11,230
How did you know she was listening
in the first place?
1135
01:09:14,526 --> 01:09:16,151
Well, I guess I don't.
1136
01:09:16,319 --> 01:09:19,238
I hate thoughts like that.
1137
01:09:19,656 --> 01:09:22,658
But, you know,
they come to you with age.
1138
01:09:22,826 --> 01:09:27,830
Because when you're a kid you never
question the whole faith thing.
1139
01:09:28,706 --> 01:09:31,416
God's in heaven, and he's--
1140
01:09:31,584 --> 01:09:34,962
She's always got her eye on you.
1141
01:09:39,467 --> 01:09:42,344
I'd give anything
to feel that way again.
1142
01:09:47,517 --> 01:09:50,686
Guess that's why
I got talked into this pilgrimage.
1143
01:09:58,945 --> 01:10:01,113
Where is this pilgrimage to?
1144
01:10:01,281 --> 01:10:04,366
-You wouldn't believe me if I told you.
-Try me.
1145
01:10:04,534 --> 01:10:06,785
All right, but l warned you.
1146
01:10:06,953 --> 01:10:08,537
Okay.
1147
01:10:08,705 --> 01:10:12,207
I'm going to this church
in New Jersey.
1148
01:10:12,750 --> 01:10:14,084
Really?
1149
01:10:14,252 --> 01:10:18,589
Kerwood Mandel to car three.
Kerwood Mandel to car three.
1150
01:10:18,756 --> 01:10:22,134
See, I'm supposed to stop
a couple of angels...
1151
01:10:22,302 --> 01:10:24,136
...from going into the church.
1152
01:10:26,097 --> 01:10:27,890
They're trying--
1153
01:10:28,057 --> 01:10:29,474
Shit.
1154
01:10:31,269 --> 01:10:34,021
They're trying
to get back into heaven.
1155
01:10:37,066 --> 01:10:39,610
See, they got tossed
out of heaven...
1156
01:10:39,777 --> 01:10:41,737
...years ago, right?
1157
01:10:42,280 --> 01:10:44,406
And if they get back in...
1158
01:10:44,574 --> 01:10:46,325
...it proves God wrong...
1159
01:10:46,492 --> 01:10:49,578
...and since God is infallible...
1160
01:10:49,746 --> 01:10:51,413
...to prove her wrong...
1161
01:10:51,581 --> 01:10:55,250
...would, you know,
unmake existence.
1162
01:10:56,628 --> 01:10:58,670
May I have your attention, please.
1163
01:10:58,838 --> 01:11:03,008
The dining car will be closing
in five minutes. Thank you.
1164
01:11:03,176 --> 01:11:05,677
I feel so stupid...
1165
01:11:05,845 --> 01:11:07,763
...just saying it.
1166
01:11:09,223 --> 01:11:11,516
The thing I don't get is, l mean...
1167
01:11:11,684 --> 01:11:14,269
...how am I supposed to stop
an angel?
1168
01:11:14,437 --> 01:11:15,854
Two, even!
1169
01:11:21,027 --> 01:11:24,279
I guess I'm supposed to
talk them out of it or something.
1170
01:11:24,447 --> 01:11:26,490
Maybe you're supposed to
kill them.
1171
01:11:26,658 --> 01:11:30,285
Oh, yeah, right. Kill them.
1172
01:11:31,162 --> 01:11:35,374
I mean, even if that were the case,
which it's not...
1173
01:11:36,876 --> 01:11:39,878
...how do you kill an angel, Barry?
1174
01:11:43,216 --> 01:11:47,135
I don't suppose it's much different
from killing a human.
1175
01:11:48,638 --> 01:11:51,181
Where the hell is everybody?
I wake up and--
1176
01:11:53,226 --> 01:11:55,060
-The apostle.
-Holy shit!
1177
01:11:55,228 --> 01:11:58,146
Rufus, l want you to meet
my new friend Barry.
1178
01:12:01,567 --> 01:12:03,485
Don't be such a show-off, Barry.
1179
01:12:03,653 --> 01:12:06,321
Take it easy, Bartleby.
Just let her go.
1180
01:12:06,489 --> 01:12:08,657
-We can talk about this.
-Bartleby?
1181
01:12:08,825 --> 01:12:12,327
After all this time, it comes down
to slaughter by a meat puppet?
1182
01:12:12,495 --> 01:12:15,247
Get your fucking hands off me,
you dickless son of a bitch!
1183
01:12:15,415 --> 01:12:18,250
Save it, lady. Five minutes ago
you were aching to top me off.
1184
01:12:18,418 --> 01:12:19,835
Loki!
1185
01:12:20,420 --> 01:12:21,586
Holy shit. The apostle.
1186
01:12:21,754 --> 01:12:23,755
I didn't come in you, Pete,
I swear.
1187
01:12:23,923 --> 01:12:25,048
What are you doing here?
1188
01:12:25,216 --> 01:12:27,843
This woman has to stop two angels
from entering a church.
1189
01:12:28,011 --> 01:12:30,095
-She means us?
-No, two other fucking angels.
1190
01:12:30,263 --> 01:12:33,598
I'd say there's a pretty good chance.
Rufus, we're to be liquidated?
1191
01:12:33,766 --> 01:12:36,435
You haven't thought about
the consequences of your reentry.
1192
01:12:36,602 --> 01:12:38,228
Consequences, schmonsequences.
1193
01:12:38,396 --> 01:12:41,231
We're going home, okay?
No matter whose pride it may hurt.
1194
01:12:41,399 --> 01:12:43,775
-It's not a matter of pride!
-Loki, kill the girl.
1195
01:12:43,943 --> 01:12:46,611
Are you high? I can't kill her
if she hasn't done anything.
1196
01:12:46,779 --> 01:12:48,071
Fine. I'll kill her myself.
1197
01:12:48,239 --> 01:12:50,449
What, l fall asleep
and everyone takes off?
1198
01:12:50,616 --> 01:12:53,118
-These guys are fucking flat-leavers.
-Shut his mouth.
1199
01:13:03,212 --> 01:13:04,796
Oh, shit!
1200
01:13:06,424 --> 01:13:07,632
Jay!
1201
01:13:08,926 --> 01:13:10,052
Biggie!
1202
01:13:10,219 --> 01:13:12,596
The door! The door!
1203
01:13:16,476 --> 01:13:18,643
Can't we talk about this?
1204
01:13:24,233 --> 01:13:27,152
Why don't I just get off
at the next stop!
1205
01:14:07,193 --> 01:14:09,194
No ticket.
1206
01:14:11,906 --> 01:14:14,533
-The apostle is here.
-I noticed.
1207
01:14:14,700 --> 01:14:16,785
Then you know who the chick was,
don't you?
1208
01:14:16,953 --> 01:14:18,161
The scion, I imagine!
1209
01:14:19,038 --> 01:14:21,039
Maybe we should rethink
this whole thing.
1210
01:14:21,207 --> 01:14:24,292
I mean, you heard the guy.
He said there are consequences.
1211
01:14:24,460 --> 01:14:26,378
And Azrael tells us we're marked?
1212
01:14:26,546 --> 01:14:28,338
There's more to this
than we thought of.
1213
01:14:28,506 --> 01:14:30,423
I was close.
1214
01:14:30,591 --> 01:14:33,677
You know? l was so close
to slitting that bitch's throat.
1215
01:14:35,012 --> 01:14:38,181
You know how l felt? Righteous.
1216
01:14:38,349 --> 01:14:39,850
Justified. Eager, even.
1217
01:14:40,226 --> 01:14:41,977
You all right?
Your eyes are kind of--
1218
01:14:42,145 --> 01:14:44,187
My eyes are open.
1219
01:14:44,355 --> 01:14:46,189
For the first time I get it.
1220
01:14:46,357 --> 01:14:50,068
When that little innocent girl
let her mission slip, l had an epiphany.
1221
01:14:50,236 --> 01:14:53,905
See, in the beginning it was
just us and him, angels and God.
1222
01:14:54,073 --> 01:14:55,740
Then he created humans.
1223
01:14:55,908 --> 01:14:58,827
Ours was designed to be
a life of servitude and worship...
1224
01:14:58,995 --> 01:15:02,164
...and bowing and scraping
and adoration.
1225
01:15:02,331 --> 01:15:04,624
He gave them more
than he ever gave us.
1226
01:15:04,792 --> 01:15:06,668
He gave them a choice.
1227
01:15:06,836 --> 01:15:10,046
They choose to acknowledge God
or choose to ignore him.
1228
01:15:10,214 --> 01:15:12,048
All this time
we've been down here...
1229
01:15:12,216 --> 01:15:14,718
...l've felt the absence
of the divine presence...
1230
01:15:14,886 --> 01:15:18,096
...and it's pained me,
as l'm sure it must have pained you.
1231
01:15:18,264 --> 01:15:21,892
And why?
Because of the way he made us.
1232
01:15:22,059 --> 01:15:25,604
Had we been given free will, we could
choose to ignore the pain like they do.
1233
01:15:25,771 --> 01:15:27,397
But no, we're servants.
1234
01:15:27,565 --> 01:15:29,482
Okay.
1235
01:15:29,650 --> 01:15:33,069
You know, all l'm saying here is that
one of us might need a little nap.
1236
01:15:33,237 --> 01:15:34,237
Wake up!
1237
01:15:34,405 --> 01:15:37,073
Humans have besmirched
everything he's bestowed on them.
1238
01:15:37,241 --> 01:15:39,075
They were given paradise,
they threw it away.
1239
01:15:39,243 --> 01:15:41,578
They were given this planet,
they destroyed it.
1240
01:15:41,746 --> 01:15:44,206
They were favored best
among all his endeavors...
1241
01:15:44,373 --> 01:15:47,626
...and some of them
don't even believe he exists!
1242
01:15:47,793 --> 01:15:49,794
And in spite of it all...
1243
01:15:49,962 --> 01:15:53,590
...he has shown them
infinite fucking patience...
1244
01:15:53,758 --> 01:15:55,467
...at every turn.
1245
01:15:55,635 --> 01:15:57,135
What about us?
1246
01:15:58,304 --> 01:16:01,139
I asked you once...
1247
01:16:01,307 --> 01:16:04,142
...to lay down the sword
because I felt sorry for them.
1248
01:16:04,685 --> 01:16:06,061
What was the result?
1249
01:16:06,229 --> 01:16:08,396
Our expulsion from paradise.
1250
01:16:08,564 --> 01:16:11,066
Where was his
infinite fucking patience then?
1251
01:16:11,234 --> 01:16:13,985
It's not right! It's not fair!
1252
01:16:14,153 --> 01:16:16,029
We've paid our debt!
1253
01:16:17,490 --> 01:16:20,200
Don't you think it's time?
1254
01:16:20,368 --> 01:16:23,203
Don't you think it's time
we went home?
1255
01:16:24,914 --> 01:16:29,834
And to do that, l think we may have to
dispatch our would-be dispatchers.
1256
01:16:30,002 --> 01:16:32,587
Wait. Wait, wait. Kill them?
1257
01:16:33,798 --> 01:16:36,424
You're talking about the last scion,
for chrissake.
1258
01:16:36,592 --> 01:16:39,427
And what about Jay and Bob?
Those guys were all right.
1259
01:16:39,595 --> 01:16:41,054
Don't. Don't, my friend.
1260
01:16:41,222 --> 01:16:44,766
See, don't let your sympathies
get the best of you.
1261
01:16:44,934 --> 01:16:46,351
They did me once.
1262
01:16:46,519 --> 01:16:48,311
Scion or not...
1263
01:16:48,479 --> 01:16:49,813
...she's just a human...
1264
01:16:49,981 --> 01:16:53,024
...and by passing through that arch
our sins are forgiven.
1265
01:16:53,192 --> 01:16:55,193
No harm, no foul.
1266
01:16:56,362 --> 01:16:59,197
My God.
I've heard a rant like this before.
1267
01:17:00,825 --> 01:17:02,117
What did you say?
1268
01:17:02,285 --> 01:17:05,287
-I've heard a rant like this before.
-Don't you do that to me.
1269
01:17:05,454 --> 01:17:08,373
-You sound like the morning star.
-You shut your fucking mouth!
1270
01:17:08,541 --> 01:17:11,543
You sound like Lucifer, man!
You've fucking lost it!
1271
01:17:11,711 --> 01:17:14,212
You're not talking about
going home, Bartleby.
1272
01:17:14,380 --> 01:17:16,881
You're talking about
fucking war on God.
1273
01:17:18,342 --> 01:17:19,884
Well, fuck that.
1274
01:17:20,052 --> 01:17:24,306
I have seen what happens to the proud
when they take on the throne.
1275
01:17:25,850 --> 01:17:27,392
I'm going back to Wisconsin.
1276
01:17:28,894 --> 01:17:30,687
We're going home, Loki...
1277
01:17:30,855 --> 01:17:34,816
...and no one, not you,
not even the Almighty himself...
1278
01:17:34,984 --> 01:17:36,818
...is gonna make that otherwise.
1279
01:17:43,409 --> 01:17:44,826
Shit.
1280
01:17:46,037 --> 01:17:49,581
Why couldn't we stay on the train?
You threw those guys off.
1281
01:17:49,749 --> 01:17:51,416
Very basic strategy.
1282
01:17:51,584 --> 01:17:54,919
If your enemies know where you are,
then don't be there.
1283
01:17:55,087 --> 01:17:56,087
Why are we enemies?
1284
01:17:56,255 --> 01:17:59,549
Well, I know I'd perceive the person
sent to kill me as an enemy.
1285
01:17:59,717 --> 01:18:03,011
What does that mean? Since when
am l supposed to kill anybody?
1286
01:18:03,179 --> 01:18:06,765
I'm tired of
all this cryptic bullshit.
1287
01:18:06,932 --> 01:18:09,434
I'm physically and psychologically
exhausted, Rufus...
1288
01:18:09,602 --> 01:18:12,729
...and I'm ready to kick back
and welcome the end of existence...
1289
01:18:12,897 --> 01:18:15,190
...unless you come clean right now.
1290
01:18:15,358 --> 01:18:17,359
Why me?
1291
01:18:17,526 --> 01:18:20,945
Out of all the people on the
goddamn planet, why was l tapped?
1292
01:18:21,113 --> 01:18:24,324
Imagine you're a 1 2-year-old boy.
1293
01:18:25,242 --> 01:18:29,204
You're told you're God's only son,
but more than that, you're God.
1294
01:18:29,372 --> 01:18:32,874
How long would it take to come
to grips with something that huge?
1295
01:18:33,042 --> 01:18:35,627
Maybe, say, 1 8 years?
1296
01:18:35,795 --> 01:18:40,799
In the Bible, Jesus suddenly goes
from age 12 to 30. Twelve to 30.
1297
01:18:40,966 --> 01:18:43,093
Now, that's some pretty bad
storytelling.
1298
01:18:43,260 --> 01:18:46,096
Where are the volumes of text
dealing with the missing 1 8 years?
1299
01:18:46,263 --> 01:18:47,472
I'll tell you where.
1300
01:18:47,640 --> 01:18:52,310
They were offered up as a sacrifice
to the god of ecumenical politics.
1301
01:18:52,478 --> 01:18:55,397
You make it sound like
there's some church conspiracy...
1302
01:18:55,564 --> 01:18:58,233
...to cover up
"the truth about Christ."
1303
01:19:00,653 --> 01:19:01,986
Oh, bullshit.
1304
01:19:02,154 --> 01:19:04,072
Any important material
about Christ...
1305
01:19:04,240 --> 01:19:06,741
...would give people
a better understanding of God.
1306
01:19:06,909 --> 01:19:10,829
-Why would they leave any of it out?
-Because it's tied in with his family.
1307
01:19:10,996 --> 01:19:13,957
-His mother and father.
-His brothers and sisters.
1308
01:19:14,125 --> 01:19:18,294
Jesus didn't have brothers and sisters.
Mary was a virgin.
1309
01:19:18,462 --> 01:19:22,715
Mary gave birth to Christ without
knowing a man's touch. This is true.
1310
01:19:22,883 --> 01:19:24,717
But she did have a husband.
1311
01:19:24,885 --> 01:19:28,513
Do you really think he would've stayed
married to her for all those years...
1312
01:19:28,681 --> 01:19:30,181
...if he wasn't getting laid?
1313
01:19:30,349 --> 01:19:33,685
The nature of God and the virgin birth,
those are leaps of faith.
1314
01:19:33,853 --> 01:19:38,022
But to believe a married couple never
got down, that's just plain gullibility.
1315
01:19:38,190 --> 01:19:39,190
Meaning?
1316
01:19:39,358 --> 01:19:41,192
The blood that flows
through your veins...
1317
01:19:41,360 --> 01:19:43,987
...shares a chromosome or two
at the genetic level...
1318
01:19:44,155 --> 01:19:45,822
...with the one you call Jesus.
1319
01:19:46,949 --> 01:19:48,783
Bethany, you are...
1320
01:19:48,951 --> 01:19:52,245
...the great-great-great-great-
great-great-great-great...
1321
01:19:52,413 --> 01:19:55,874
...great-great-grandniece
of Jesus Christ.
1322
01:19:59,837 --> 01:20:03,798
So that would make Bethany
part black?
1323
01:20:08,554 --> 01:20:10,513
I can't do this anymore.
1324
01:20:14,226 --> 01:20:18,897
Bethany, where you gonna go?
You know what l'm saying is right.
1325
01:20:19,064 --> 01:20:20,732
-It's bullshit.
-Bethany.
1326
01:20:20,900 --> 01:20:22,692
It's bullshit!
1327
01:20:26,489 --> 01:20:28,448
Let her go, man.
1328
01:20:28,616 --> 01:20:30,033
Give her time.
1329
01:20:37,416 --> 01:20:39,375
Why?!
1330
01:20:39,543 --> 01:20:42,378
What the fuck do you want
from me?
1331
01:20:42,546 --> 01:20:44,839
I fucking hate you!
1332
01:20:45,841 --> 01:20:47,425
I hate you.
1333
01:20:47,593 --> 01:20:49,761
He can't hear you, you know.
1334
01:20:55,601 --> 01:20:57,602
That's why we needed you.
1335
01:20:57,770 --> 01:20:59,938
Why didn't you tell me?
1336
01:21:00,105 --> 01:21:01,731
Would you--?
1337
01:21:02,316 --> 01:21:04,567
Could you have believed me?
1338
01:21:05,402 --> 01:21:07,862
It was something
you had to come to gradually.
1339
01:21:08,822 --> 01:21:11,574
Only after everything you've seen...
1340
01:21:12,117 --> 01:21:13,368
...everything you've heard...
1341
01:21:15,371 --> 01:21:18,414
...could you possibly be able
to accept the truth.
1342
01:21:18,958 --> 01:21:21,084
I don't want this.
1343
01:21:23,796 --> 01:21:25,797
It's too big.
1344
01:21:25,965 --> 01:21:27,549
That's what Jesus said.
1345
01:21:29,802 --> 01:21:31,719
I had to tell him.
1346
01:21:34,932 --> 01:21:37,976
You can imagine
how that hurt the Father...
1347
01:21:39,019 --> 01:21:41,312
...not to be able
to tell the son himself...
1348
01:21:41,480 --> 01:21:44,482
...because one word from his lips
would destroy the boy's human form.
1349
01:21:44,650 --> 01:21:47,652
So l had to deliver the news
to a scared child...
1350
01:21:47,820 --> 01:21:50,446
...who wanted nothing more
than to play with other children.
1351
01:21:50,614 --> 01:21:54,325
I had to tell this little boy
that he was God's only son...
1352
01:21:54,493 --> 01:21:57,328
...and it meant a life of persecution
and eventual crucifixion...
1353
01:21:57,496 --> 01:22:00,623
...at the hands of the very people
he'd come to enlighten and redeem.
1354
01:22:02,876 --> 01:22:05,044
He begged me to take it all back.
1355
01:22:06,463 --> 01:22:08,006
As if l could.
1356
01:22:09,758 --> 01:22:12,510
He begged me to
"make it all not true."
1357
01:22:12,678 --> 01:22:17,015
I'll let you in on something, Bethany,
it's something I've never told anyone.
1358
01:22:18,934 --> 01:22:21,019
If l had the power...
1359
01:22:21,895 --> 01:22:23,271
...l would have.
1360
01:22:24,064 --> 01:22:25,189
It's unfair.
1361
01:22:25,691 --> 01:22:28,943
It's unfair to ask a child
to shoulder that responsibility...
1362
01:22:29,111 --> 01:22:31,321
...and to ask you
to do the same now.
1363
01:22:31,488 --> 01:22:35,241
I sympathize. I do.
I wish l could take it all back.
1364
01:22:38,162 --> 01:22:39,746
But l can't.
1365
01:22:42,625 --> 01:22:44,042
This...
1366
01:22:45,294 --> 01:22:47,378
...is who you are.
1367
01:22:49,298 --> 01:22:51,841
Everything l am has been a lie?
1368
01:22:53,344 --> 01:22:55,219
No, no, no.
1369
01:22:55,929 --> 01:23:00,475
Knowing what you now know doesn't
mean you're not who you were.
1370
01:23:00,643 --> 01:23:03,353
You are Bethany Sloane.
1371
01:23:03,520 --> 01:23:06,939
No one can take that away from you,
not even God.
1372
01:23:08,275 --> 01:23:12,945
All this means is
a redefinition of that identity.
1373
01:23:13,113 --> 01:23:16,658
The incorporation of this new data
into who you are.
1374
01:23:16,825 --> 01:23:18,910
Be who you've always been.
1375
01:23:19,995 --> 01:23:21,162
Just...
1376
01:23:22,164 --> 01:23:24,207
...be this as well...
1377
01:23:25,542 --> 01:23:28,002
...from time to time.
1378
01:23:31,965 --> 01:23:34,509
Guess this means
no more cheating on my taxes.
1379
01:23:34,677 --> 01:23:36,844
To say the least.
1380
01:23:45,062 --> 01:23:47,563
Do you mind if we adjourn
to somewhere...
1381
01:23:47,731 --> 01:23:50,274
...a tad more habitable...
1382
01:23:50,442 --> 01:23:52,402
...and a bit warmer?
1383
01:24:06,834 --> 01:24:09,460
Fuck, man, I think this shit
just kicked in.
1384
01:24:09,628 --> 01:24:12,422
Weren't we just in the woods?
What are we doing here now?
1385
01:24:12,589 --> 01:24:14,465
Going out in style.
1386
01:24:14,633 --> 01:24:17,135
-The voice.
-The apostle.
1387
01:24:17,302 --> 01:24:19,053
Now, who's this motherfucker?
1388
01:24:19,221 --> 01:24:21,305
It's the voice of God.
Show some respect.
1389
01:24:21,473 --> 01:24:23,808
Oh, the voice of God.
Where's the rest of him?
1390
01:24:23,976 --> 01:24:26,144
Funny you should mention that.
We're not sure.
1391
01:24:26,311 --> 01:24:28,980
-What?
-Come on. Didn't it ever occur to you...
1392
01:24:29,148 --> 01:24:33,109
...that this Bartleby-Loki situation was
well within the sphere of his control?
1393
01:24:33,277 --> 01:24:34,944
Yes, but then why was she tapped?
1394
01:24:35,112 --> 01:24:38,990
You know those constitutionals
that he likes to take?
1395
01:24:39,158 --> 01:24:40,324
"Constitutionals"?
1396
01:24:40,492 --> 01:24:42,910
I think we're beyond euphemisms
at this point.
1397
01:24:43,078 --> 01:24:44,912
God's a skeeball fanatic.
1398
01:24:46,290 --> 01:24:49,250
The Lord has a fancy for the game.
He's been playing it for years.
1399
01:24:49,418 --> 01:24:52,003
He assumes a human form
once a month and indulges.
1400
01:24:52,171 --> 01:24:55,089
Doesn't say where he's playing,
just goes away for a couple hours.
1401
01:24:55,257 --> 01:24:58,676
And he always gives his free points
away to neighborhood children.
1402
01:24:58,844 --> 01:25:00,178
Isn't that sweet?
1403
01:25:00,345 --> 01:25:03,848
But she hasn't come back from
one of these day trips, is that it?
1404
01:25:04,016 --> 01:25:06,309
No, she hasn't...
1405
01:25:06,477 --> 01:25:09,187
...and we've been
unable to locate her.
1406
01:25:09,354 --> 01:25:12,607
He could've been killed.
Human form does have that drawback.
1407
01:25:12,775 --> 01:25:17,028
No, there's a different sort
of foul play afoot, children.
1408
01:25:17,738 --> 01:25:21,199
Whomever has set
the renegade angels on their path...
1409
01:25:21,366 --> 01:25:23,701
...and is keeping them
quite well hidden...
1410
01:25:23,869 --> 01:25:26,746
...is also responsible
for the Lord's whereabouts.
1411
01:25:26,914 --> 01:25:29,081
Were he to be killed
in human form...
1412
01:25:29,249 --> 01:25:31,834
...he'd have returned
immediately to heaven.
1413
01:25:32,002 --> 01:25:33,878
Someone knew enough...
1414
01:25:34,046 --> 01:25:36,088
...to keep him biologically alive...
1415
01:25:36,256 --> 01:25:39,133
...but incapacitate him
in another fashion.
1416
01:25:39,301 --> 01:25:41,969
And as omnipotent
as we are above...
1417
01:25:42,137 --> 01:25:45,515
...l have to admit that we're
more or less lost without his presence.
1418
01:25:45,682 --> 01:25:47,517
We've looked everywhere for him.
1419
01:25:47,684 --> 01:25:52,438
I tapped her because I thought we'd be
able to smoke out whoever's behind it.
1420
01:25:52,606 --> 01:25:55,817
But whoever he is was clever enough
to send some lackeys after you...
1421
01:25:55,984 --> 01:25:57,985
...as opposed to showing up
themselves.
1422
01:25:58,153 --> 01:25:59,821
Could it be Lucifer?
1423
01:25:59,988 --> 01:26:01,280
Not Lucifer.
1424
01:26:01,448 --> 01:26:04,909
If he was, he'd have made
his move by now to conquer Heaven.
1425
01:26:05,077 --> 01:26:07,912
And I know he's not responsible
for Bartleby and Loki...
1426
01:26:08,080 --> 01:26:11,207
...because he has just as much to lose
by their return as anybody else.
1427
01:26:11,375 --> 01:26:12,750
So, what do we do now?
1428
01:26:12,918 --> 01:26:15,670
Well, I say we get drunk,
because I'm all out of ideas.
1429
01:26:15,838 --> 01:26:18,714
Why don't we just ask this guy
to close the church?
1430
01:26:19,383 --> 01:26:20,591
I beg your pardon?
1431
01:26:20,759 --> 01:26:22,677
It's the guy in charge
of the church thing.
1432
01:26:25,556 --> 01:26:27,348
Cardinal Glick?
1433
01:26:27,516 --> 01:26:29,600
Maybe we can ask him
to shut down the church.
1434
01:26:29,768 --> 01:26:33,020
If it's closed that day, those guys
can't get blessed or whatever, right?
1435
01:26:33,188 --> 01:26:34,397
Good Lord.
1436
01:26:34,565 --> 01:26:36,524
The little stoner's got a point.
1437
01:26:36,692 --> 01:26:41,195
Maybe we could talk this guy Glick into
canceling the rededication ceremony.
1438
01:26:41,363 --> 01:26:43,281
"We"?
1439
01:26:43,448 --> 01:26:46,450
Are you saying you're back in,
Ms. I Can't Do This Anymore?
1440
01:26:51,582 --> 01:26:54,125
I wouldn't want to let the family down,
now, would I?
1441
01:26:57,296 --> 01:26:59,088
Well...
1442
01:26:59,256 --> 01:27:02,967
...the prophets finally
live up to their titles.
1443
01:27:03,510 --> 01:27:06,220
Mass attendance is at
an all-time low in this country...
1444
01:27:06,388 --> 01:27:10,808
...but if we can let them know the
Catholic Church has a little panache...
1445
01:27:10,976 --> 01:27:13,936
...we can win them back,
even get some new ones.
1446
01:27:14,271 --> 01:27:15,605
Excuse me.
1447
01:27:17,733 --> 01:27:19,275
Fill them pews, people.
1448
01:27:19,443 --> 01:27:22,278
That's the key.
Grab the little ones as well.
1449
01:27:22,446 --> 01:27:24,822
Hook them while they're young.
1450
01:27:24,990 --> 01:27:29,076
-Kind of like the tobacco industry.
-Christ, if only we had their numbers.
1451
01:27:29,244 --> 01:27:32,288
We really appreciate you seeing us
so late in the day, Your Eminence.
1452
01:27:32,456 --> 01:27:35,958
My friends and l have been traveling
all night in hope of talking to you...
1453
01:27:36,126 --> 01:27:38,502
...about the St. Michael's
rededication ceremony.
1454
01:27:38,670 --> 01:27:41,088
So you looking to help out
in some way, l take it?
1455
01:27:41,256 --> 01:27:43,966
We'd like you to cancel
the ceremony.
1456
01:27:45,093 --> 01:27:46,677
I beg your pardon.
1457
01:27:46,845 --> 01:27:50,765
There's gonna be a world of trouble
if tomorrow's ceremony goes forward.
1458
01:27:51,892 --> 01:27:54,685
Are you pro-choice?
1459
01:27:54,853 --> 01:27:56,354
No, no. The trouble's not from us.
1460
01:27:56,521 --> 01:27:59,774
It's from renegade angels that have
been stuck on Earth since the plagues.
1461
01:28:02,569 --> 01:28:05,029
These guys,
they think they're renegade angels.
1462
01:28:05,197 --> 01:28:07,323
See, padre, it goes down like this.
1463
01:28:07,491 --> 01:28:10,117
These guys think that
by passing through that archway...
1464
01:28:10,285 --> 01:28:12,119
...they can go straight to heaven.
1465
01:28:12,287 --> 01:28:15,831
You want me to call off
the ceremony for that.
1466
01:28:16,959 --> 01:28:18,042
Who sent you?
1467
01:28:20,212 --> 01:28:23,172
We were sent
by him who is called I Am!
1468
01:28:23,340 --> 01:28:25,841
Cute. Really cute.
1469
01:28:26,009 --> 01:28:28,302
Kids, playtime with the cardinal
is over.
1470
01:28:28,470 --> 01:28:31,013
-Worked for Moses.
-Stay out of this.
1471
01:28:31,181 --> 01:28:32,723
Your Eminence, it's not a joke.
1472
01:28:32,891 --> 01:28:35,893
I'm telling you, man,
this ceremony's a big mistake.
1473
01:28:36,061 --> 01:28:38,896
The Catholic Church
does not make mistakes.
1474
01:28:39,064 --> 01:28:41,941
Please! What about the Church's
silent consent of the slave trade?
1475
01:28:42,109 --> 01:28:44,568
And its platform of noninvolvement
during the Holocaust?
1476
01:28:44,736 --> 01:28:47,071
All right, mistakes were made.
1477
01:28:47,239 --> 01:28:50,366
But one can hardly hold the current
incarnation of Holy Mother Church...
1478
01:28:50,534 --> 01:28:52,326
...responsible for
the oversights of old.
1479
01:28:52,494 --> 01:28:56,163
I'm an important man with important
matters that demand my attention...
1480
01:28:56,331 --> 01:28:57,748
...so if you please--
1481
01:28:57,916 --> 01:29:00,584
-But tomorrow--
-Tomorrow goes off without a hitch.
1482
01:29:00,752 --> 01:29:02,003
Do I make myself clear?
1483
01:29:02,170 --> 01:29:06,757
Neither you nor any other influence
short of the hand of God himself...
1484
01:29:06,925 --> 01:29:09,760
...is gonna keep this thing
from going off without a hitch.
1485
01:29:30,782 --> 01:29:32,783
I can see the headlines now...
1486
01:29:33,201 --> 01:29:34,785
...if there were gonna be any.
1487
01:29:34,953 --> 01:29:36,454
"Existence Erased."
1488
01:29:36,621 --> 01:29:38,789
Don't worry about it.
We evened the score.
1489
01:29:38,957 --> 01:29:41,208
Hand it over, Silent Bob.
1490
01:29:43,795 --> 01:29:44,879
What up?
1491
01:29:45,047 --> 01:29:47,214
You stole the cardinal's driver?
1492
01:29:47,382 --> 01:29:51,302
That's what he gets for messing with
our girlfriend. Cross-dressing fuck.
1493
01:29:51,470 --> 01:29:54,180
That's sort of sweet.
Thanks, guys.
1494
01:29:55,640 --> 01:29:58,476
What do we do now
about Bartleby and Loki?
1495
01:29:58,643 --> 01:30:01,771
I guess we're gonna
have to try and kill them.
1496
01:30:01,938 --> 01:30:03,981
-You said they couldn't be killed.
-Correction.
1497
01:30:05,650 --> 01:30:08,319
They won't be killed.
1498
01:30:08,487 --> 01:30:11,447
And just to ensure that,
we're all gonna sit tight...
1499
01:30:11,615 --> 01:30:15,868
...right here, until those two idiots
pass through that arch.
1500
01:30:16,036 --> 01:30:19,663
Hey. There's only
one idiot here, Azrael...
1501
01:30:22,459 --> 01:30:24,543
...and I'm looking right at him.
1502
01:30:24,711 --> 01:30:26,170
Muse!
1503
01:30:27,547 --> 01:30:30,633
Just in time to join us for a drink.
1504
01:30:30,801 --> 01:30:33,177
Hey. Where'd you come from?
1505
01:30:35,138 --> 01:30:36,972
-Where'd you come from?
-Me?
1506
01:30:37,140 --> 01:30:38,557
Nothingness.
1507
01:30:38,725 --> 01:30:42,353
And that's where l'm returning to
in approximately, oh, one hour.
1508
01:30:42,521 --> 01:30:46,023
All right, Plato, sounds like
you've had enough already.
1509
01:30:46,191 --> 01:30:48,567
-Let's go.
-Oh, darn it!
1510
01:30:48,735 --> 01:30:52,321
Come on, barkeep, just one drink.
One for the road, then I'm gone?
1511
01:30:52,489 --> 01:30:55,741
I was trying to find you to tell you
I figured out who was behind all this.
1512
01:30:55,909 --> 01:30:57,326
Is that who l think it is?
1513
01:30:57,494 --> 01:30:58,702
-None other than.
-Who is he?
1514
01:30:58,870 --> 01:31:01,539
All right, one drink.
Then you're gone.
1515
01:31:01,706 --> 01:31:03,791
Give me a...
1516
01:31:03,959 --> 01:31:06,335
...Holy Bartender.
1517
01:31:06,503 --> 01:31:08,295
Never heard of it.
1518
01:31:08,463 --> 01:31:12,216
He doesn't know how to make
a Holy Bartender.
1519
01:31:12,384 --> 01:31:14,218
You do, don't you, Muse?
1520
01:31:14,386 --> 01:31:15,386
Don't.
1521
01:31:16,555 --> 01:31:19,223
Anybody? No?
1522
01:31:19,641 --> 01:31:22,810
Well, I know how to make
a Holy Bartender.
1523
01:31:31,444 --> 01:31:32,486
Get it?
1524
01:31:32,654 --> 01:31:34,822
Sweet Jesus, Azrael! Why?
1525
01:31:34,990 --> 01:31:38,409
Come on, demon! Try that shit
on somebody who's already dead!
1526
01:31:38,577 --> 01:31:41,912
Oh, apostle, you maintain
that kind of an attitude...
1527
01:31:42,080 --> 01:31:45,040
...and you and the barkeep won't be
the only corpses in the room.
1528
01:31:45,208 --> 01:31:47,251
The Christ bitch will join you.
1529
01:31:48,044 --> 01:31:50,504
Are you really that stupid?
1530
01:31:50,672 --> 01:31:54,091
You do know what's gonna happen
if those two jerks enter that church.
1531
01:31:54,259 --> 01:31:56,552
I'm actually counting on it.
1532
01:31:57,846 --> 01:31:59,930
And if my calculations
are correct...
1533
01:32:00,098 --> 01:32:02,766
...the pawns are moving
into checkmate as we speak.
1534
01:32:07,772 --> 01:32:11,275
"Holy Bartender." I get it.
That's a great one!
1535
01:32:11,443 --> 01:32:15,571
I'd also like to acknowledge this great
state's governor, Elizabeth Dalton...
1536
01:32:15,739 --> 01:32:17,281
...for coming here this morning.
1537
01:32:17,449 --> 01:32:20,451
True, she's a Protestant, but we're
not gonna hold that against her.
1538
01:32:22,495 --> 01:32:26,790
Now, let me just tell you a little bit
of history about this particular...
1539
01:32:26,958 --> 01:32:29,543
...hundred-years-young
house of God.
1540
01:32:29,711 --> 01:32:30,920
God's house?
1541
01:32:32,380 --> 01:32:35,007
God doesn't live here anymore.
1542
01:32:35,175 --> 01:32:37,885
He's grown weary
of your superficial faith.
1543
01:32:38,053 --> 01:32:40,888
He's turned a deaf ear
to your lip-service prayers.
1544
01:32:41,056 --> 01:32:43,307
-He has abandoned you...
-Sorry.
1545
01:32:43,475 --> 01:32:46,310
...his favorites,
to the whim ofjudgment.
1546
01:32:46,478 --> 01:32:48,896
Hypocrites, charlatans...
1547
01:32:50,649 --> 01:32:53,150
...prepare to taste God's wrath.
1548
01:32:53,318 --> 01:32:54,526
Maybe we should just leave.
1549
01:32:54,694 --> 01:32:56,362
You wanted your body count.
You got it.
1550
01:32:56,529 --> 01:32:58,906
This lot is rife with sin.
We'll judge them all.
1551
01:32:59,074 --> 01:33:00,241
Officer McGhee.
1552
01:33:01,117 --> 01:33:02,826
All right, mouthpiece...
1553
01:33:02,994 --> 01:33:05,663
...let's leave the nice cardinal alone
and go for a ride.
1554
01:33:05,830 --> 01:33:08,165
Mr. McGhee, don't make me angry.
1555
01:33:08,333 --> 01:33:10,167
You wouldn't like me
when I'm angry.
1556
01:33:10,335 --> 01:33:12,086
Is that so?
1557
01:33:16,466 --> 01:33:18,133
Ladies and gentlemen...
1558
01:33:18,301 --> 01:33:23,681
...you have been judged as guilty of
violations against our Almighty God...
1559
01:33:23,848 --> 01:33:26,183
...and this very day...
1560
01:33:26,351 --> 01:33:30,020
...l assure you, you will all
pay for your trespasses...
1561
01:33:30,188 --> 01:33:31,855
...in blood.
1562
01:33:32,023 --> 01:33:34,191
-Wings. Now.
-I'm feeling a little exposed here.
1563
01:33:34,359 --> 01:33:35,359
Do it!
1564
01:33:36,653 --> 01:33:39,280
-So he's a muse too?
-Former muse.
1565
01:33:41,032 --> 01:33:44,368
He was kicked out.
1566
01:33:44,536 --> 01:33:46,870
Ever the fucking apple polisher.
1567
01:33:47,038 --> 01:33:48,038
Then what happened?
1568
01:33:48,206 --> 01:33:50,291
Yes, what?
1569
01:33:50,458 --> 01:33:54,336
Well, Lucifer just had to start
his little war for the throne.
1570
01:33:54,504 --> 01:33:56,964
Heaven became divided
into two factions...
1571
01:33:57,132 --> 01:33:59,216
...the faithful and the renegades.
1572
01:33:59,384 --> 01:34:02,136
Oh, the ethereal plains
were chaotic with battle.
1573
01:34:02,304 --> 01:34:05,014
Angel against angel.
1574
01:34:05,181 --> 01:34:08,517
And when it was all over,
God cast the rebels into perdition.
1575
01:34:08,685 --> 01:34:10,477
But Azrael refused to fight.
1576
01:34:10,645 --> 01:34:14,064
He remained in the middle, waiting
to see who came out victorious.
1577
01:34:14,232 --> 01:34:16,233
What are you,
some kind of fucking chicken?
1578
01:34:16,401 --> 01:34:17,735
No.
1579
01:34:17,902 --> 01:34:21,739
I was an artist, stupid!
1580
01:34:21,906 --> 01:34:23,449
I was inspiration!
1581
01:34:23,616 --> 01:34:26,035
A muse has no place in battle.
1582
01:34:26,202 --> 01:34:28,662
So after the fallen
were banished to hell...
1583
01:34:28,830 --> 01:34:30,831
...God turned on those
that wouldn't fight...
1584
01:34:30,999 --> 01:34:33,250
...and Azrael was sent down
with the demons...
1585
01:34:33,418 --> 01:34:36,128
...something he considers
a great injustice.
1586
01:34:36,296 --> 01:34:38,380
Oh, come on.
1587
01:34:38,548 --> 01:34:41,508
Don't tell me you never questioned
the judgment, Serendipity.
1588
01:34:41,676 --> 01:34:44,345
No. It never bothered me.
1589
01:34:44,512 --> 01:34:46,430
So you were an artist.
1590
01:34:46,598 --> 01:34:48,265
Big deal!
1591
01:34:48,433 --> 01:34:50,434
Elvis was an artist...
1592
01:34:50,602 --> 01:34:53,854
...but that didn't stop him from
joining the service in time of war.
1593
01:34:54,022 --> 01:34:55,856
That's why he is the king...
1594
01:34:56,024 --> 01:34:57,858
...and you're a schmuck.
1595
01:34:58,026 --> 01:34:59,109
Nice.
1596
01:34:59,277 --> 01:35:01,070
So all this is about revenge.
1597
01:35:01,237 --> 01:35:04,114
You're gonna unmake existence
because of a grudge against God?
1598
01:35:04,282 --> 01:35:07,951
After the first million years? No.
1599
01:35:08,119 --> 01:35:11,872
Escape from hell
became my all-consuming reason.
1600
01:35:12,040 --> 01:35:16,460
So l studied the religions and waited
for my opportunity to present itself...
1601
01:35:16,628 --> 01:35:18,045
...which it finally did...
1602
01:35:18,213 --> 01:35:20,089
...in Catholicism.
1603
01:35:20,256 --> 01:35:21,423
Plenary indulgence.
1604
01:35:21,591 --> 01:35:23,384
But l couldn't exercise it.
1605
01:35:23,551 --> 01:35:25,928
Demons can't become human.
1606
01:35:26,096 --> 01:35:28,138
No, we can't transubstantiate.
1607
01:35:29,724 --> 01:35:31,100
But angels can.
1608
01:35:32,435 --> 01:35:33,644
Bartleby and Loki.
1609
01:35:35,480 --> 01:35:38,399
After that it was a simple matter
of waiting for a church...
1610
01:35:38,566 --> 01:35:40,275
...to celebrate their centennial...
1611
01:35:40,443 --> 01:35:45,989
...and when it finally happened I sent
the pair an article laced with ideas.
1612
01:35:46,157 --> 01:35:47,991
An incantation
I picked up in the pit...
1613
01:35:48,159 --> 01:35:50,160
...kept them cloaked
and off heaven's radars.
1614
01:35:50,328 --> 01:35:53,414
And aside from the triplets here
and the Golgothan...
1615
01:35:53,581 --> 01:35:57,292
...no soul in hell had a clue
as to what was going on.
1616
01:35:57,460 --> 01:36:00,337
But the Almighty
could still putsch the whole deal...
1617
01:36:00,505 --> 01:36:03,924
...so I dispatched him
in a fairly ingenious fashion.
1618
01:36:04,092 --> 01:36:06,427
Her. And how?
1619
01:36:06,594 --> 01:36:09,096
That's the only thing
I couldn't figure out.
1620
01:36:09,264 --> 01:36:12,099
Oh, no, I've seen way too many
Bond movies to know...
1621
01:36:12,267 --> 01:36:15,102
...that you never reveal
all the details of your plan...
1622
01:36:15,270 --> 01:36:18,605
...no matter how close
you may think you are to winning.
1623
01:36:18,773 --> 01:36:21,859
The only X factor was the involvement
of the last scion here.
1624
01:36:22,694 --> 01:36:27,322
But fat lot of good that did, right?
I mean, here you all are.
1625
01:36:30,160 --> 01:36:33,287
Powerless to stop the inevitable.
1626
01:36:33,455 --> 01:36:37,458
Look, asshole, I don't know
if anyone explained the rules to you...
1627
01:36:37,625 --> 01:36:41,462
...but if you succeed everything gets
blinked out of existence, even you.
1628
01:36:41,629 --> 01:36:44,506
Human, have you ever
been to hell?
1629
01:36:44,674 --> 01:36:46,717
I think not.
1630
01:36:46,885 --> 01:36:49,052
I'd rather not exist
than go back to that.
1631
01:36:49,220 --> 01:36:53,515
And if everyone has to
go down with me, so be it.
1632
01:36:53,683 --> 01:36:56,059
Still thinking only about yourself...
1633
01:36:56,227 --> 01:36:58,061
...you fucking child!
1634
01:36:58,229 --> 01:37:00,314
Now, now, now.
1635
01:37:01,191 --> 01:37:04,193
Things are getting
too intense in here.
1636
01:37:04,360 --> 01:37:06,820
Hey! What say
we watch a little TV?
1637
01:37:06,988 --> 01:37:08,906
Yo, put on Channel 9.
Davey and Goliath.
1638
01:37:10,366 --> 01:37:14,661
Actually, l was thinking more
along the lines of current events.
1639
01:37:14,829 --> 01:37:17,164
Keep rolling! Keep rolling!
1640
01:37:17,332 --> 01:37:20,083
I repeat,
men with huge fucking wings...
1641
01:37:20,251 --> 01:37:22,294
...have laid waste to St. Michael's!
1642
01:37:22,462 --> 01:37:24,796
Bullets don't seem to affect them!
1643
01:37:25,590 --> 01:37:28,467
The remainder of the crowd
have dropped to their knees...
1644
01:37:28,635 --> 01:37:30,928
...identifying this
as the fabled apocalypse.
1645
01:37:31,095 --> 01:37:33,889
Now, I'm not a man of faith,
but I'm inclined to agree.
1646
01:37:34,057 --> 01:37:38,185
God, please, don't come any closer!
Don't come any closer! God, no!
1647
01:37:38,436 --> 01:37:40,020
No!
1648
01:37:46,277 --> 01:37:49,446
You see that?
And I told them to keep a low profile.
1649
01:37:49,614 --> 01:37:53,116
I'd be pissed, but in a couple minutes
it's not gonna matter anyway.
1650
01:37:59,874 --> 01:38:02,209
Oh, now what was that
all about?
1651
01:38:02,377 --> 01:38:03,877
What?
1652
01:38:04,045 --> 01:38:06,463
Oh, nothing.
1653
01:38:06,631 --> 01:38:08,715
I had something in my eye.
1654
01:38:08,883 --> 01:38:11,552
Now who's the fucking child?
1655
01:38:12,762 --> 01:38:15,931
What did you tell him,
to hit me with the golf club?
1656
01:38:16,641 --> 01:38:18,350
Are you serious?
I'm a fucking demon.
1657
01:38:18,518 --> 01:38:20,269
You'd have him assault me
with a putter?
1658
01:38:21,396 --> 01:38:23,397
You want to play? Then we'll play.
1659
01:38:23,565 --> 01:38:25,274
One side, Red.
1660
01:38:26,025 --> 01:38:28,944
Go ahead, then. Pick it up.
Call it a gift.
1661
01:38:30,446 --> 01:38:32,364
Come on.
1662
01:38:32,532 --> 01:38:33,949
That's it.
1663
01:38:35,743 --> 01:38:36,994
Take a shot.
1664
01:38:37,161 --> 01:38:40,664
Take your best fucking shot.
1665
01:38:42,208 --> 01:38:45,168
Seriously. I'm not kidding.
Take it. Come on.
1666
01:38:45,795 --> 01:38:48,046
Come on, bright boy.
1667
01:38:55,888 --> 01:38:58,307
Don't you know anything?
1668
01:39:13,823 --> 01:39:15,699
Bethany, bless the sink!
1669
01:39:15,867 --> 01:39:17,659
-What?
-Just do it!
1670
01:39:17,827 --> 01:39:19,703
Bless the sink, damn it!
1671
01:39:44,062 --> 01:39:46,188
That's what you get, motherfucker.
1672
01:39:48,816 --> 01:39:50,901
But l'm a fucking demon.
1673
01:39:58,242 --> 01:39:59,493
What just happened?
1674
01:39:59,661 --> 01:40:02,204
He said it himself:
"l'm a fucking demon."
1675
01:40:02,372 --> 01:40:06,667
Hit a demon with an instrument of God,
the pure side will do the most damage.
1676
01:40:06,834 --> 01:40:08,752
Holy shit!
Silent Bob's an instrument of God?
1677
01:40:08,920 --> 01:40:12,756
No, but Glick's the kind of asshole
who'd bless his clubs for a better game.
1678
01:40:12,924 --> 01:40:15,926
-But the sink?
-You've got the divine heritage.
1679
01:40:16,094 --> 01:40:18,178
Sanctifying is just
one of the fringe benefits.
1680
01:40:18,346 --> 01:40:20,889
Remind me to try the water-to-wine
thing at my next party.
1681
01:40:21,057 --> 01:40:23,850
-How far away is this church?
-Three towns over, about 1 0 miles.
1682
01:40:24,018 --> 01:40:26,019
-Rufus, grab the gun.
-Ten steps ahead of you.
1683
01:40:26,187 --> 01:40:28,355
Take the bartender's car.
He won't need it.
1684
01:40:28,523 --> 01:40:31,775
The whole fucking world's against us,
dude, I swear to God.
1685
01:40:43,496 --> 01:40:45,205
Oh, my God.
1686
01:40:57,969 --> 01:41:00,637
And people wonder why
I don't go to church anymore.
1687
01:41:00,805 --> 01:41:01,972
Are we too late?
1688
01:41:02,140 --> 01:41:04,641
To save these poor schmucks?
1689
01:41:06,477 --> 01:41:07,519
Yeah.
1690
01:41:07,687 --> 01:41:10,272
But we still exist.
1691
01:41:10,440 --> 01:41:12,149
Where are they?
1692
01:41:12,316 --> 01:41:14,735
They could already be
in the church.
1693
01:41:14,902 --> 01:41:16,945
So if they come out,
nobody touches them.
1694
01:41:17,113 --> 01:41:18,321
Are you fucking shitting me?
1695
01:41:18,489 --> 01:41:21,324
The brother is gonna shred them
with his angel-be-good special...
1696
01:41:21,492 --> 01:41:22,492
...ain't you, homey?
1697
01:41:22,660 --> 01:41:24,661
If they pass through that arch,
they're clean.
1698
01:41:24,829 --> 01:41:26,747
And if they die, they go straight up.
1699
01:41:26,914 --> 01:41:29,249
And, hello!
We know what happens then, right?
1700
01:41:29,417 --> 01:41:31,668
-Why don't they kill themselves?
-It's a mortal sin.
1701
01:41:31,836 --> 01:41:34,671
Die with a mortal sin and you burn.
They don't wanna go to hell.
1702
01:41:34,839 --> 01:41:38,508
Then what are we supposed to do,
wait for a solution to fall from the sky?
1703
01:41:42,805 --> 01:41:44,097
Friend of yours?
1704
01:41:44,265 --> 01:41:46,141
No, that was a cardinal.
1705
01:41:46,309 --> 01:41:50,020
You can't tell from his face,
but the rosaries are a dead giveaway.
1706
01:41:50,188 --> 01:41:52,689
It's one of them!
Kill that motherfucker!
1707
01:41:52,857 --> 01:41:54,024
Don't you listen?
1708
01:41:54,192 --> 01:41:57,110
-We can't touch him!
-I wasn't. I was gonna shoot his ass.
1709
01:41:57,278 --> 01:41:59,446
He's been at it for a while now.
1710
01:41:59,614 --> 01:42:01,198
Please! Please!
1711
01:42:02,366 --> 01:42:04,201
We ran out of parishioners...
1712
01:42:04,368 --> 01:42:08,663
...so he just started picking up folk
off the road and just dropping them.
1713
01:42:08,831 --> 01:42:11,958
This is just eons of repression
getting purged.
1714
01:42:13,002 --> 01:42:15,045
If only they'd let us jerk off,
you know?
1715
01:42:16,964 --> 01:42:18,215
Take a step back.
1716
01:42:22,595 --> 01:42:24,012
Let me go!
1717
01:42:25,223 --> 01:42:27,390
Why? What are you trying to prove?
1718
01:42:27,558 --> 01:42:30,894
-All these people!
-Hey, this wasn't my idea!
1719
01:42:32,021 --> 01:42:33,355
Jesus Christ!
1720
01:42:34,732 --> 01:42:36,566
I just wanted to go home.
1721
01:42:36,734 --> 01:42:38,527
But him, you know...
1722
01:42:38,694 --> 01:42:40,987
...he just lost it.
1723
01:42:41,155 --> 01:42:44,241
He realized who you were
and what you were gonna have to do.
1724
01:42:44,408 --> 01:42:45,826
He just snapped.
1725
01:42:45,993 --> 01:42:49,496
And the funny thing is, this guy could
never even stand to see me work.
1726
01:42:49,664 --> 01:42:52,707
He said he felt sorry
for you people.
1727
01:42:53,835 --> 01:42:55,252
Now look at him.
1728
01:42:55,419 --> 01:42:57,420
This guy's fucking drunker
than hell.
1729
01:42:57,588 --> 01:43:00,006
Which means he's human now.
1730
01:43:01,425 --> 01:43:03,510
His wings have been cut off.
1731
01:43:04,011 --> 01:43:05,595
Loki....
1732
01:43:08,224 --> 01:43:09,933
Loki.
1733
01:43:10,101 --> 01:43:11,977
The muse?
1734
01:43:12,144 --> 01:43:14,187
Oh, no way!
1735
01:43:14,355 --> 01:43:17,065
I haven't seen you--
You look terrific.
1736
01:43:17,233 --> 01:43:19,276
What's with the tits? Can l--
1737
01:43:19,443 --> 01:43:21,611
Have you walked
through the arch yet?
1738
01:43:25,032 --> 01:43:28,535
Tell me. Have you gone in and
come out through the archway yet?
1739
01:43:28,703 --> 01:43:29,953
No!
1740
01:43:35,376 --> 01:43:36,459
He's back.
1741
01:43:59,859 --> 01:44:01,776
We were awaiting your arrival.
1742
01:44:01,944 --> 01:44:04,905
Bartleby, wait. Stop. Listen to me.
1743
01:44:05,072 --> 01:44:07,657
You can't go through with this.
Azrael was just using you.
1744
01:44:07,825 --> 01:44:08,992
If you go back--
1745
01:44:09,994 --> 01:44:11,703
I've become aware
of the repercussions.
1746
01:44:11,871 --> 01:44:12,913
I know what I'm doing.
1747
01:44:14,457 --> 01:44:15,999
You sick, twisted fuck!
1748
01:44:17,668 --> 01:44:18,835
Bethany.
1749
01:44:22,089 --> 01:44:25,342
You, of all people, should understand
what l'm trying to accomplish here.
1750
01:44:25,509 --> 01:44:28,345
You too know what it feels like
to be cast aside.
1751
01:44:28,512 --> 01:44:31,514
But you've only dealt with the pain
a few years.
1752
01:44:31,682 --> 01:44:34,100
I've dealt with it for a millennia.
1753
01:44:34,268 --> 01:44:36,353
And while you never see
your ex-husband...
1754
01:44:36,520 --> 01:44:39,856
...or how blissful he is
with his new wife--
1755
01:44:40,816 --> 01:44:42,025
And he is.
1756
01:44:45,237 --> 01:44:49,950
--seeing you people every day on this
perfect world he created for you...
1757
01:44:50,117 --> 01:44:51,701
...is a constant reminder...
1758
01:44:51,869 --> 01:44:54,871
...that though my kind came first...
1759
01:44:55,039 --> 01:44:57,624
...your kind was most revered.
1760
01:44:58,334 --> 01:45:00,627
And while you know forgiveness...
1761
01:45:00,795 --> 01:45:02,712
...we know only regret.
1762
01:45:04,173 --> 01:45:05,548
The lesson must be taught.
1763
01:45:05,716 --> 01:45:07,467
All are accountable...
1764
01:45:07,635 --> 01:45:08,885
...even God.
1765
01:45:10,221 --> 01:45:12,347
Soon a cadre of police will arrive...
1766
01:45:12,515 --> 01:45:16,226
...just in time to kill us
as we exit the church.
1767
01:45:16,978 --> 01:45:20,397
Then this failed experiment
called existence...
1768
01:45:20,564 --> 01:45:21,982
...will cease to be.
1769
01:45:22,149 --> 01:45:23,650
No. Hey. Hey!
1770
01:45:24,318 --> 01:45:26,236
No. No.
1771
01:45:26,404 --> 01:45:28,238
I can't let you do that, Bartleby.
1772
01:45:28,739 --> 01:45:30,407
This has gone too far.
1773
01:45:32,535 --> 01:45:34,911
I might have to take you down.
1774
01:45:36,414 --> 01:45:38,206
It's okay.
1775
01:45:38,374 --> 01:45:39,916
I'll do it.
1776
01:45:44,714 --> 01:45:46,589
My compatriot.
1777
01:45:48,050 --> 01:45:50,468
Genocide takes a lot out of him.
1778
01:45:50,636 --> 01:45:51,845
He's weakened.
1779
01:45:52,013 --> 01:45:53,346
You're weak.
1780
01:45:53,514 --> 01:45:56,266
More importantly,
he's also a human being...
1781
01:45:56,434 --> 01:45:58,560
...a condition which carries
two liabilities.
1782
01:46:00,396 --> 01:46:02,188
A conscience...
1783
01:46:02,982 --> 01:46:04,441
...and...
1784
01:46:07,445 --> 01:46:09,946
...a short life span.
1785
01:46:10,114 --> 01:46:12,866
I'm sorry, old friend,
but you lost the faith.
1786
01:46:40,644 --> 01:46:42,562
Oh, my God. He's lost it.
We're fucked.
1787
01:46:42,730 --> 01:46:44,939
-We're absolutely fucked!
-I hear that shit.
1788
01:46:46,400 --> 01:46:47,734
I can't believe this shit.
1789
01:46:47,902 --> 01:46:50,487
We're on the brink of nonexistence
and God's still missing.
1790
01:46:50,654 --> 01:46:53,615
-What kind of deity gets kidnapped?
-Amen to that.
1791
01:47:00,498 --> 01:47:02,624
What the hell are you doing?
1792
01:47:02,792 --> 01:47:06,169
If the whole world's gonna end,
you said you'd fuck me.
1793
01:47:10,341 --> 01:47:13,176
-You're a pig.
-Nobody's gonna beat that thing.
1794
01:47:13,344 --> 01:47:16,846
We can lay here all comatose like that
John Doe Jersey bastard over there...
1795
01:47:17,014 --> 01:47:19,849
-...or we can get making with the love.
-What did you say?
1796
01:47:20,017 --> 01:47:22,018
Make with the love.
It's a nice way of saying boning.
1797
01:47:22,186 --> 01:47:23,645
No, about John Doe Jersey.
1798
01:47:27,525 --> 01:47:30,360
That guy they won't take off
life support, John Doe Jersey.
1799
01:47:30,528 --> 01:47:32,529
This is where he's at,
St. Michael's Hospital.
1800
01:47:34,198 --> 01:47:35,532
Where's the nearest boardwalk?
1801
01:47:35,699 --> 01:47:38,284
I ain't got time to win you a prize.
We gotta get to the fucking.
1802
01:47:38,452 --> 01:47:40,829
-Where is it?
-Asbury Park, about five miles away.
1803
01:47:40,996 --> 01:47:42,872
-Have you been there?
-Once, with a chick.
1804
01:47:43,040 --> 01:47:46,042
We were about to fuck on the carousel
and l got sick, started puking.
1805
01:47:46,210 --> 01:47:48,002
-Do they have skeeball there?
-Yeah.
1806
01:47:51,507 --> 01:47:53,383
That's what I'm talking about.
1807
01:48:01,392 --> 01:48:04,394
Whatever you do, stall Bartleby
from going into that church.
1808
01:48:04,562 --> 01:48:06,646
Bob, come with me. Come on!
1809
01:48:06,814 --> 01:48:09,399
-How am I supposed to do that?
-Think of something!
1810
01:48:09,567 --> 01:48:11,734
I already did, but it takes two of us!
1811
01:48:12,611 --> 01:48:14,821
I repeat, this is not a drill.
1812
01:48:14,989 --> 01:48:16,656
This is the apocalypse.
1813
01:48:16,824 --> 01:48:19,492
Please exit the hospital
in an orderly fashion.
1814
01:48:19,660 --> 01:48:21,327
Thank you.
1815
01:48:36,760 --> 01:48:38,386
Hey, Big Bird!
1816
01:48:39,346 --> 01:48:40,930
Ready for the counting game?
1817
01:48:41,098 --> 01:48:42,682
No!
1818
01:48:45,769 --> 01:48:47,687
Count the shells, Suck-a-Duck.
1819
01:49:15,925 --> 01:49:17,800
No more bullets.
1820
01:49:17,968 --> 01:49:20,094
Now, what the fuck
would you do that for?
1821
01:49:20,262 --> 01:49:23,097
Angels have to cut their wings off
to become human.
1822
01:49:23,265 --> 01:49:25,266
You just did him a favor, stupid!
1823
01:50:12,022 --> 01:50:14,691
I hope you're the skeeball type.
1824
01:50:55,858 --> 01:50:58,234
Oh, Bartleby.
1825
01:50:58,402 --> 01:51:01,988
Was Wisconsin really that bad?
1826
01:51:02,156 --> 01:51:04,157
Bow down, stupid!
1827
01:51:22,760 --> 01:51:24,677
I'm sorry.
1828
01:51:47,534 --> 01:51:50,203
Anyone who isn't dead
or from another plane of existence...
1829
01:51:50,371 --> 01:51:54,082
...would do well to cover their ears
right about now.
1830
01:51:54,249 --> 01:51:56,209
What the fuck?
1831
01:52:02,383 --> 01:52:04,384
Thank you.
1832
01:52:36,208 --> 01:52:38,167
It never ends!
1833
01:52:57,896 --> 01:52:59,981
Get off of me.
I wanna see what's up.
1834
01:53:00,524 --> 01:53:02,525
What the fuck is this shit?
1835
01:53:02,693 --> 01:53:04,318
Who the fuck are you, lady?
1836
01:53:04,486 --> 01:53:06,863
Why the fuck did you hug my head?
1837
01:53:07,030 --> 01:53:09,866
Quite a little mouth on him,
isn't there?
1838
01:53:10,033 --> 01:53:12,869
What the fuck is this, The Piano?
Why ain't this broad talking?
1839
01:53:13,036 --> 01:53:18,332
I believe the answers that you seek
lie within my companion's eyes.
1840
01:53:18,500 --> 01:53:21,669
What the fuck does that mean?
Has everyone gone fucking nuts?
1841
01:53:21,837 --> 01:53:24,714
What the fuck happened
to that guy's head? I want some--
1842
01:53:42,357 --> 01:53:44,025
Where was she?
1843
01:53:44,735 --> 01:53:46,652
Imprisoned in a body.
1844
01:53:46,820 --> 01:53:50,156
Bethany figured it all out.
She's a clever girl, that one.
1845
01:53:51,200 --> 01:53:52,742
Hang on a minute.
1846
01:54:27,277 --> 01:54:29,195
You missed a bit.
1847
01:54:30,739 --> 01:54:33,616
Well, then, you ready
to go back, apostle?
1848
01:54:33,784 --> 01:54:36,118
You ready to make those changes
I been talking about?
1849
01:54:36,453 --> 01:54:39,038
We'll see. Muse?
1850
01:54:39,206 --> 01:54:41,666
Seeing as how you
just had to get involved...
1851
01:54:41,833 --> 01:54:44,043
...you're welcome
to return with us as well.
1852
01:54:44,211 --> 01:54:47,004
First l gotta say goodbye to Bethany.
Where is she?
1853
01:54:47,172 --> 01:54:48,589
Oh, no.
1854
01:55:09,820 --> 01:55:12,280
Metatron, is she--?
1855
01:55:12,447 --> 01:55:14,657
Afraid so.
1856
01:55:14,825 --> 01:55:18,703
One of the drawbacks to being
a martyr is that you have to die.
1857
01:55:18,870 --> 01:55:20,830
But no matter.
1858
01:55:30,924 --> 01:55:33,259
All is being taken care of.
1859
01:55:34,011 --> 01:55:35,720
How so?
1860
01:55:36,513 --> 01:55:39,640
Wax on, wax off.
1861
01:56:03,206 --> 01:56:04,290
How did I--?
1862
01:56:04,458 --> 01:56:06,042
She can rebuild you.
1863
01:56:06,209 --> 01:56:07,710
She has the technology.
1864
01:56:07,878 --> 01:56:11,881
She can make you better,
stronger, faster.
1865
01:56:17,888 --> 01:56:19,221
That's....
1866
01:56:20,265 --> 01:56:23,059
A very relieved deity.
1867
01:56:24,394 --> 01:56:27,146
You did well, little girl.
I knew you'd come around.
1868
01:56:27,689 --> 01:56:29,649
Your kind always does.
1869
01:56:30,901 --> 01:56:33,319
So you might wanna
take good care of yourself.
1870
01:56:33,487 --> 01:56:36,155
We're gonna need you
down the road.
1871
01:56:36,323 --> 01:56:39,200
I know. l'm the last scion.
1872
01:56:41,411 --> 01:56:44,497
Well, you're half right.
1873
01:56:44,665 --> 01:56:47,583
You were the last scion.
1874
01:56:49,378 --> 01:56:51,087
But now...
1875
01:56:51,797 --> 01:56:53,339
...this...
1876
01:56:54,091 --> 01:56:56,092
...is the last scion.
1877
01:56:59,221 --> 01:57:01,138
I'm pregnant?
1878
01:57:03,684 --> 01:57:05,601
Can't put anything past you.
1879
01:57:08,939 --> 01:57:11,440
Take care of that parcel for us.
1880
01:57:11,608 --> 01:57:15,444
She has a world of work
ahead of her.
1881
01:57:26,957 --> 01:57:28,916
Thank you for...
1882
01:57:29,084 --> 01:57:30,960
...l don't know...
1883
01:57:31,128 --> 01:57:32,294
...everything.
1884
01:57:36,133 --> 01:57:39,468
God, there's a million things
I wish l could ask you...
1885
01:57:39,636 --> 01:57:41,637
...most of it questioning
your great plan...
1886
01:57:41,805 --> 01:57:43,639
...and that'd be arrogant of me,
I know.
1887
01:57:44,474 --> 01:57:46,559
But there is one l need to ask.
1888
01:57:46,727 --> 01:57:50,271
I'm sure you get it all the time, but
how many chances like this will l get?
1889
01:57:52,315 --> 01:57:54,150
Why are we here?
1890
01:58:11,168 --> 01:58:13,753
Didn't l tell you she was funny?
1891
01:58:20,635 --> 01:58:23,179
I really enjoyed meeting you.
1892
01:58:23,972 --> 01:58:26,098
It was an honor.
1893
01:58:30,812 --> 01:58:34,064
You did so well.
1894
01:58:38,528 --> 01:58:41,280
I told you she was a woman.
1895
01:58:43,283 --> 01:58:45,576
She's not really a woman.
1896
01:58:45,744 --> 01:58:48,120
She's not really anything.
1897
01:58:48,288 --> 01:58:50,372
She's something, all right.
1898
01:58:51,124 --> 01:58:53,292
Crisis of faith over?
1899
01:58:53,460 --> 01:58:56,295
I think l'm now burdened
with an overabundance.
1900
01:58:56,463 --> 01:58:58,297
When it rains, it pours.
1901
01:58:58,465 --> 01:59:00,674
Are you saying you believe?
1902
01:59:00,842 --> 01:59:03,886
No. But l have a good idea.
1903
01:59:04,054 --> 01:59:05,638
Yes.
1904
01:59:09,476 --> 01:59:11,268
The man was right about you.
1905
01:59:11,436 --> 01:59:14,438
Now l'm gonna go home
and tell him so.
1906
01:59:15,357 --> 01:59:17,233
And if you clean up your language...
1907
01:59:17,400 --> 01:59:19,735
...l just might put in
a good word for you too.
1908
01:59:20,403 --> 01:59:21,821
Thanks.
1909
01:59:23,365 --> 01:59:25,908
Why don't you name the kid
after me?
1910
01:59:28,286 --> 01:59:30,037
Rufus.
1911
01:59:56,523 --> 01:59:58,899
Yo, we should go to Quick Stop.
1912
02:00:03,738 --> 02:00:05,614
You guys wanna
hear something sick?
1913
02:00:05,782 --> 02:00:08,617
-I got half a stalk when she kissed me.
-Jay!
1914
02:00:08,785 --> 02:00:11,120
I couldn't help it. The bitch was hot.
1915
02:00:11,288 --> 02:00:15,749
You can't talk to me that way anymore.
I'm gonna be somebody's mother.
1916
02:00:15,917 --> 02:00:17,376
You're pregnant?
1917
02:00:19,045 --> 02:00:22,506
Yo, l heard pregnant women can
have sex into their third trimester.
1918
02:00:22,674 --> 02:00:24,592
I'll keep that in mind.
144671
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