All language subtitles for Arsenic and Old Lace (1944).eng

I'll knock your block off, you big stiff!

You're a burn!

Strike! You're out!

- Elmer, here it is.
- I knew you'd find it.

Boy, I could sure use a drink.

I wonder if any big shots
are getting married today.

Looks like the same suckers
get married every day.

Come on.

Hey, the guy with the cheaters.

Now, what's he hiding from?

Hey, is that Mortimer Brewster?

Mortimer Brewster, the dramatic critic?

No, it's not him.
But what a scoop would it be.

The guy who wrote The Bachelors Bible
finally getting hooked himself.

No, it's too good to be true.

Come on, let's snap the mayor
in his new fire helmet and go home.

Say, let's stick around,
see who the guy is.

♪ Two by two, they come and go
Hip-hip, hi-yea ♪

Good morning, children. Your name, please?

- Elaine Harper.
- Speak a little louder.

- Elaine Harper.
- Uh, thank you.

Yours?

- Mortimer Brewster.
- How's that?

Mortimer Brewster.

Speak up, sonny.
There's nothing to be afraid of.

Oh, j-just...

Look, I-

Look, I want to keep this undercover.

Love her? Why, of course you love her.

You're gonna marry her, ain't ya?

No, no. You don't understand.
Come here. Come here.

You see, I don't want this
to get out for a while.

- I'm Mortimer Brewster.
- Uh, you're who?

- Mortimer Brew -
-Ooh.

It's him!

Uh, Mr. Brewster!

Ha-ha -

Uh, Mr. Brewster!

Now look, don't you -

Goodbye, dear.

Don't you understand? How can I marry you?

Me, the symbol of bachelorhood.

I've sneered at every love scene
in every play.

I've written four million words
against marriage.

Not only hooked,
but to a minister's daughter.

And not only a minister's daughter,
but a girl from Brooklyn.

And look at you. Look at the way you look.

What is that infernal contraption
you've got there?

Oh, that's a pin
I borrowed from your aunts.

You know what they say, Mortimer.
Something borrowed -

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know that bromide.

"Something borrowed, something blue."
Old, new.

Rice and old shoes.
Carry you over the threshold.

Niagara Falls. All the silly tripe
I've made fun of for years.

Is this what I've come to?
I-I can't go through with it.

I won't marry you and that's that.

Yes, Mortimer.

What do you mean, "Yes, Mortimer"?

Aren't you insulted? Aren't you gonna cry?

- Aren't you gonna make a scene?
- No, Mortimer.

No. And don't "No, Mortimer" me either.

Don't you see? Marriage is a superstition.

I-It's old-fashioned. It's - I - I -

Oh.

Come on, come on.

O'Hara, don't be a jerk.

You don't seem to realize
I'm turning over to you

the nicest, the best beat in Brooklyn.

Now, look at that old church
and them old houses.

Did George Washington
ever do any sleeping around here?

Of course he did.

Why, this whole neighborhood
just stinks with atmosphere.

Look at that old house there.

The original owners still livin' there?

Now, don't crack wise
about the Brewster sisters.

They're two of the dearest,
sweetest, kindest old ladies

that ever walked the earth.

They're out of this world.

They're like, uh -
They're like pressed rose leaves.

Pressed rose leaves?

Hey, the old girls must be
kind of hard up, huh?

Oh, no. Their old man
left them fixed for life.

- And don't you call them the girls either.
- Ah.

Brophy. Is the lieutenant around?

If they're so well-heeled,
what are they renting rooms for?

They don't rent rooms.

But you can bet if anybody
came around looking for a room,

they wouldn't go away without a good meal

and probably a couple of bucks
in their pocket.

That's just their way of digging up people
to do good to.

Oh, Reverend Harper, I do hope
you don't disapprove of Mortimer

just because he's a dramatic critic

and takes your daughter
to the theater every night.

Well, it's not so much that I disapprove
of his being a critic.

But no man, no man
with this published attitude on marriage

should take any man's daughter
any place...

...at any time.

I must be catching cold.

No, dear. It was Reverend Harper
who sneezed. Bless you.

We mustn't be angry with Mortimer.

He's so very much in love with her.

And Sister Martha and I
are so happy about it.

He used to come to see us
only occasionally,

and now - now he's in Brooklyn
six nights a week.

Remember now, watch your language.

But, Sergeant, you know
I'm not a swearing man.

You'll be surprised
what they consider swearing.

Oh, will you excuse me?

No, no, Teddy dear, thank you. I'll go.

Oh, come right in, Mr. Brophy.
How are you?

- Miss Abby, we came for the toys.
- Oh, yes.

This is Officer O'Hara.

- He's taking over my beat.
- How do you do, Miss Brewster?

Welcome to our neighborhood,
Mr. O'Hara.

Gentlemen, what news have you brought me?

Colonel, we have nothing to report.

Huh? Oh, no, absolutely nothing to report.

Splendid.

Thank you, gentlemen. At ease.

Uh, you know the Reverend Dr. Harper
from the church next door?

- No.
- Sure. Hello, Reverend.

This is Officer O'Hara,
the new man on the beat.

How do you do, sir?
It's nice to meet you.

Uh, the toys are on the chair
up here by the library door.

Oh, uh, Teddy, will you run upstairs

and bring down your army and navy
from Aunt Martha's room?

They're all packed.

That's splendid work you men do,

fixing up discarded toys
for the kids at camp.

Charge!

Oh, it gives us something to do
while we're sitting around the station.

You get tired of playing cards.

Oh, so these are the toys?

- How's Mrs. Brophy?
- Oh, she's better. Thank you.

But, uh, a little weak still.

Well, I'm going to get some beef broth
for you to take to her.

Oh, Miss Abby, please don't bother.
You've done so much already.

Oh, stuff and nonsense.
I won't be a minute.

Gentlemen, if I know what pure kindness
and absolute generosity are,

it's because I've known
the Brewster sisters.

Now, Teddy, you promised me
you wouldn't do that anymore.

But I have to call a cabinet meeting
to get the release of those supplies.

Now, don't do that again.
Do you hear me?

He used to do that
in the middle of the night

and the neighbors raised Cain with me.

They're a little afraid of him, anyway.

Look, Sergeant, I promised you
I wouldn't swear, but what the he -

- What's goin' on here, anyway?
- Oh, he's quite harmless.

He thinks he's Teddy Roosevelt.

So what? There's a lot of worse guys
he could think he was.

Yeah?

That's right.

I'll make a note of that.
He's a very interesting character.

Isn't it a shame, Father -

Isn't it a shame, Reverend,
that a nice family like this

should be hatching a cuckoo?

Oh, well, now, isn't this nice?

- Good afternoon, Miss Brewster.
- How do you do, Mr. Brophy?

- Good afternoon, Miss Brewster.
- Reverend Harper, how do you do?

Uh, Miss Martha, this is Officer O'Hara.

- He's taking over my duties.
- How do you do, ma'am?

- Well, I'm very glad to know you.
- Thank you.

Oh, Martha, you're back.

Here's the broth for Mrs. Brophy.
Be sure it's good and hot.

You bet I will, and thank you very much.

The army and navy are ready for action.

Oh, Colonel, this is grand.
It'll make a lot of kids happy.

What's this? The Oregon?

Oh, Teddy dear, put it back.

But the Oregon goes to Australia.

-Now, Teddy -
-No, it goes to Australia.

These are lovely. Thank you very much.

Oh, not at all.

The children will be goin' crazy.

- Oh, now, don't mention it.
- Well, so long, Colonel.

- Hey, Sarge.
- Huh?

Oh, yes.

Dismissed!

- Well, goodbye and thank you.
- Goodbye. Don't mention it.

Careful of the step there now
with the toys.

Good night.

Young man, let that be a lesson to you.

Goodbye.

Well...

Well, I must be going.

Charge!

Charge the blockhouse!

- Blockhouse?
- Oh.

The stairs are always San Juan Hill.

- Oh, I-I see.
- Oh, bless you.

Have you ever tried to persuade him
that he wasn't Teddy Roosevelt?

Oh, no.

Oh, he's so happy being Teddy Roosevelt.

Oh, do you remember, Martha?

Once a long time ago, we thought
if he'd be George Washington,

it might be a change for him
and we suggested it.

And do you know what happened?

He just stayed under his bed for days
and wouldn't be anybody.

Well, if he's happy.

And what's more important, you're happy.

Oh, our only worry for Teddy
is after we're gone.

Yes, indeed. That is quite a problem.

But Mortimer's made all the arrangements

for Teddy to go to Happy Dale Sanitarium
after we pass on.

- Splendid idea. A very pleasant place.
- Yes, indeed.

Dear sweet Reverend Harper.

You know, Martha, I really do believe
he's beginning to see the light.

Oh, I'm sure we needn't worry about him.

He won't interfere with our plans
for Mortimer and Elaine, dear.

Oh, did you just have tea?

Yes.

And dinner's going to be late too.

So? Why?

Teddy.

Oh, Teddy, good news for you.

You're going to Panama
and dig another lock for the canal.

Delighted!

That's bully! Just bully!

I shall prepare at once for the journey.

Charge!

Abby, while I was out...

Yes, dear. I just couldn't wait for you.

I didn't know when you'd be back
and Reverend Harper was coming.

- Oh, but all by yourself?
- Oh, I got along fine.

I'll run right downstairs and see.

No, no, dear. There wasn't time.

And I was all alone.

- Well?
- Martha.

Just look in the window seat.

Abby!

Oh, it's Elaine.

You darlings!

- But, Elaine!
- What did she mean?

-You don't suppose they've gone and -
-Oh.

Elaine!

- Listen, buddy.
- What?

This old cab has seen osculation, but -

You ain't seen anything yet.
You're gonna drive us to the station.

- You better take her hat.
- Oh, thanks.

Wait a minute, wait a minute.
And her brooch.

You find any hairpins, you can keep 'em.

- Hold on to that, will you?
- Yeah.

There they are.

Here's your hat.

Just throw it.
I don't like that look in your eyes.

Why? What's the matter with it, hmm?

Father preached a sermon about it
only last Sunday.

He did? He did? What did he say?
What did he say?

- He was against it.
- Oh, but that was only Sunday. Ha!

Whoo-hoo!

Please! For heaven's sake.

But, Mortimer, right out here in the open
with everyone looking?

Yes, right out here in the open
with everyone looking.

Let everyone in Brooklyn over 16 look.
Mm-hmm!

But, Mortimer, you're going
to love me for my mind too.

One thing at a time.

Oh, there's that look again.

There's that look again, Mortimer.

You better get used to that look.
You're gonna see it often.

It goes just before this. Mmm.

Oh.

You know what we're doing, darling?
We're wasting time.

Look, I'll go and tell my aunts
and you tell your old -

No, you better not tell your father
just yet.

You'll run that cold of his
into a pneumonia.

Oh, I can handle Father. He's a dear.

Look, uh, why don't we wire him
from Niagara Falls?

- Niagara Falls?
- Mm-hmm.

So that's why you stopped at your office.

Yes!

Certainly. We're going to go
the whole hog. Niagara Falls!

Everybody ought to go to Niagara Falls.

You should've seen my secretary's face
when I made the reservation.

We've got a drawing room on the train,
the bridal suite in the hotel,

and tomorrow morning,
we go over the falls in a barrel.

Oh, Mortimer.

Go on, darling, hurry and pack.

I don't have to.
I started packing the day after I met you.

Uh-uh-uh. There, you see?
You see? Uh-huh.

That's what I mean.
That's what I hate about women.

I wonder what Mary's doing now.

Mmm.

Go on, darling.
The train leaves in an hour. And hurry.

It'll be a few minutes before I'm ready.
Father may wanna pray over me a little.

All right, well, whistle
when you're ready.

- Oh, Elaine.
- Yeah?

When you whistle,
open the front door fast.

If you see a tall, dark streak of light
going - Pshht! It's me.

- What? Now?
- No, not now.

Look surprised when he tells us.

Aunt Abby! Aunt Martha!

Now hold on to your bustles.
We're married.

- Elaine and I are married.
- Oh!

You're married! How wonderful!

Oh, Martha, isn't it wonderful?
They're married.

Yes, and don't pretend to be
so surprised either, you two old frauds.

- Can I use the telephone, darling?
- Yes, of course.

Oh, isn't it too, too wonderful?

Yes, and to think that it happened
right here in this room.

Oh, now. Here, here, here now.

Hello? Hello, Benson's Florists?
This is Mortimer Brewster.

Did you send those roses
to Mrs. Brewster at the parsonage?

You did? Good.

Send four dozen more to drawing room A,
Canadian Limited, Grand Central Station.

Yes, and hurry them.

Oh, and throw in a flock
of orange blossoms.

But before you go,
we can have our celebration.

I'll open a bottle of wine and we'll sing.

And we'll invite a few
of the neighbors in.

And of course, a wedding cake.

Oh, darling, you won't have time
to bake a cake.

We're going to Niagara Falls.
I got a taxi waiting.

Oh, but it's all ready.
It's been ready since -

Yes, I bet it's been ready
since the day I first met Elaine.

What is this? Did everybody in Brooklyn
know I was gonna get married except me?

Oh, we knew you'd find out
about it in time.

Come here.

I've got the two nicest aunts
in the world.

Of course, you've got the nicest nephew
in the world too.

Well, I'll run along
and get everything ready.

Oh, dear.
I do hope the reverend isn't too angry.

- You know how your books upset him.
- Well, I'm going to burn all my books.

I'm gonna let the Reverend Harper
light the first match.

Oh, by the way, did I leave some
notes here for my new book?

You mean, Mind Over Matrimony?

Yeah - Shh. Where are they?

Well, I-I hid them someplace -

- Come along, come along.
- Now you behave.

Let's find them before Elaine sees them.

Hello, Mortimer.

- How are you, Mr. President?
- Bully, thank you. Just bully.

- What news have you brought me?
- Just this, Mr. President.

- The country is squarely behind you.
- Yes, I know. Isn't it wonderful?

Well, goodbye.

-I'm off to Panama.
Goodbye, Mr. President.

A new lock for the canal, you know.

♪ Oh, tell the news to Mother ♪

Oh, dear.

Did you find those notes?
What's the matter?

Here's a baby picture
of your brother, Jonathan.

Mm-hmm. Mmm. Tsk, tsk, tsk.

Well, you ought to put that
in the fire with my books.

My, my, what a face.

I remember now.
He used to scare grown-ups with it.

Just the thought of Jonathan frightens me.

Do you remember how he used
to cut worms in two with his teeth?

Oh, Jonathan? Oh, he's probably in prison
or hanged or something by now.

I saw a play last week, had a character
in it, reminded me of Jonathan.

- No, really?
- Yeah. Oh, a honey of a lunatic.

One of those whodunits
called Murder Will Out.

- Oh, dear.
- Yeah, what a play.

When the curtain goes up,
the first thing you see is a dead body.

The next thing -

Hey, mister.

Happy bridegroom.

- Congratulations, darling.
- Best wishes, darling.

Oh, no, no.

Never mind that now, Aunt Abby.

Now listen, darlings.

Aunt Abby, Aunt Martha,

you know how we've always
planned to send Teddy

to that sanitarium Happy Dale?

Oh, yes, dear.

- That's after we're gone.
- Yes, well -

Yes, we talked
with Reverend Harper about it.

No, no. Teddy's got to go
to Happy Dale now. At once.

He's down in the cellar.
Get him up here right away.

Well, there's no such hurry as that.

No, when Teddy's working on the canal,
you can't get his mind on anything else.

Well, look, darlings.

Look, I - I'm frightfully sorry,
but I've got an awful shock for you.

Teddy's killed a man, darlings.

Nonsense.

But there's a body in the window seat!

Yes, dear. We know.

- You know?
- Of course.

Yes, but it has nothing to do with Teddy.

-But-But - But that thing -
-Oh, now, Mortimer.

You just forget about it.

Forget you ever saw the gentleman.

Forget?

We never dreamed you'd peek.

What the -

Who - Who is he?

He's a Mr. Hoskins. Adam Hoskins.

That's really all I know about him,
except that he's a Methodist.

Oh, he's a Methodist? Oh, isn't that nice?

That's all you know?
Well, what's he doing here?

- What happened to him?
- He died.

Yeah - Look, Aunt Martha,

men just don't get
into window seats and die.

We know, dear. He died first.

Ye - Wait a minute. Now, stop all this.

Now look, darling, how did he die?

Oh, Mortimer, don't be so inquisitive.

The gentleman died because
he drank some wine with poison in it.

Well, how did the poison get in the wine?

Well, we put it in wine
because it's less noticeable.

When it's in tea, it has a distinct odor.

You mean, you -

- You put it in the wine?
- Yes.

And I put Mr. Hoskins in the window seat
because Reverend Harper was coming.

Oh.

Oh, look at me, darling.

You mean - You mean
you knew what you'd done

and you didn't want the Reverend Harper
to see the body?

Well, not at tea.

That wouldn't have been very nice.

Oh.

It's first-degree.

Now, Mortimer, you know all about it
and just forget about it.

I do think that Martha and I
have the right to our own little secrets.

Oh, uh, Abby, while I was out,
I dropped in on Mrs. Schultz.

She's much better, but she would like us
to take Junior to the movies again.

Well, we must do that
tomorrow or next day.

Yes, but this time,
we'll go where we want to go.

Junior's not going to drag me
into another one of those scary pictures.

No, they ought not to be allowed
to make such pictures

just to frighten people.

Operator?

Can you hear my voice?

You can?

Are you sure?

Then I must be here.

Oh.

Aunt Abby! Aunt Martha!

Oh, the dears. Isn't Halloween
a wonderful time for them?

Yes, it is. They have so much fun.

Now, Mortimer, don't be so impatient.

We'll let you lick the bowl
after a while, dear.

I don't want to lick the bowl!
I want to know what we're going to do!

Well, we're going to celebrate, dear.

Celebrate? But look, Aunt Martha,
there's a body in the window seat.

Yes, dear. Mr. Hoskins.

Oh, I know what his name is.

I - I just want to know
what we're going to do.

Can't turn you over to the police.

Well, for pity's sake,
stop worrying about it.

We told you to forget
about the whole thing.

Forget? Look, my dear Aunt Martha,

can't I make you realize
that something has to be done?

Now, Mortimer, you behave.

You're too old to be
flying off the handle like this.

-But - But Mr. Hodgekiss -
-Hoskins, dear.

Well, whatever his name is, he's dead
and you can't leave him in there.

Well, we don't intend to, dear.

No, Teddy's down in the cellar now
digging the lock.

Oh.

You mean you're gonna bury
Mr. Hodgekiss in the cellar?

Oh, yes, dear.
That's what we did with the others.

Uh - Look here, Aunt Martha,
you can't bu -

- Others?
- The other gentlemen.

Oh!

When you say others, do you mean others?

- More than one others?
- Oh, yes, dear.

Let me see now.
This is 11, isn't it, Abby?

Oh, no, dear. This makes 12.

Oh, Abby, dear, I think you're wrong.

This one is only 11.

No, dear, because I remember
when Mr. Hoskins first came in,

it occurred to me
that he'd make just an even dozen.

But - But, Abby dear,

I really don't think
you should count the first one.

Oh, I was counting the first one
and that makes it 12.

- It does?
- Mm-hmm.

Mmm. Good.

Well, she's probably right.

Abby usually is.
I get them mixed up sometimes.

Makes it 12.

Twelve. Hmm.

Hello.

Oh.

Well, whatever is the matter
with Mortimer today?

Why, Abby, what do you think
happened to him?

Hello?

Oh.

Not now. Not now.
For heaven's sake, keep your shirt on!

Oh, isn't that...

Oh, Elaine, I didn't mean -

I-Oh.

Oh, now, let's see. Where were we?

Twelve. Twelve!

- Yes, dear.
- Oh, there you are.

Abby thinks that we should count
the first one.

Never mind about that. Now, just sit down.

Now tell me, who was the first one?

Mr. Midgely. He was a Baptist.

He was such a lonely old gentleman,
Mr. Midgely was.

All his kith and kin were dead.

We felt so sorry for him.

And then when his heart attack came

and he sat there, dead in that chair,

looking so peaceful...

- Remember, Martha?
- Mmm.

We made up our minds then and there

that if we could help other lonely old men

to find that same peace, we would.

Oh, why, you poor -

You mean, he dropped dead
right in this chair?

- Mm-hmm.
- He - Oh.

And then, you see, Teddy came up
from digging in Panama

and he thought Mr. Midgely
was a yellow fever victim.

And that meant that he had
to be buried immediately.

So?

So we all took him down to Panama
and put him in the lock

and gave him a decent Christian burial.

- Oh.
- There. Now you see?

That's why we told you
not to bother about it

because we know exactly what's to be done.

Oh, well. They know...

Wait a minute.

Come here, darling.

What about the others?

All 12 of them just didn't walk in here
and drop dead.

Oh, no, dear. Of course not.

Well, well, so, so, so...

Hmm?

- Mortimer.
- Wh-What?

Do you remember those jars of poison
that have been on the shelves

in Grandfather's laboratory
all these years?

You know your Aunt Martha's
knack for mixing things.

You've eaten enough of her piccalilli.

Well, dear, for a gallon
of elderberry wine,

I take one teaspoonful of arsenic,

then add half a teaspoonful of strychnine,

and then just a pinch of cyanide.

Hmm. Should have quite a kick.

Yes, as a matter of fact,

one of our gentlemen found time
to say how delicious.

He did? Well, wasn't that nice of him?

Uh, Abby, we mustn't be standing here
gossiping all night.

- Why, we must get that cake frosted.
- Yes, of course.

No, darling, don't worry about the cake.
I couldn't eat a thing.

Oh, you newlyweds.

A sip of wine will give you an appetite.

Yeah, that'd be nice, darling, a sip of -

A sip of wine.

Wine.

Oh.

♪ She knows how dear I love her ♪

Maybe the cat's in on this.

♪ And tell her not to wait for me ♪

Oh, he's wonderful. Happy as a lark.
Singing away, digging locks.

Panama Canal. Yellow fever victims.
Oh, it's the end.

Oh, I can see the headlines now.

"Murder Incorporated Rides Again"
right across the front page. Oh.

Let me see.

Teddy! Of course!
Everybody knows he's crazy.

Let me see. Who can I call up?
Dewey? La Guardia? Winchell?

No, Winchell's no good.

Old Judge Cullman.
Wonder if I got his number.

Tick - What am I doing with tickets?

Information.

Hello. Information?

Get me the number of Judge Cullman
on North Shore Road, Brooklyn.

Yeah. Will you call me back?

Oh, wouldn't it be marvelous
if he wasn't there?

- Hey, you!
- Huh?

Thought you were - Pshht!
Tall, dark streak of light.

- What are you doing here?
- What am I doing here?

- Didn't you hear me whistle?
- Whistle?

Oh, yes. Yes, yes, I-I heard you whistle.

-All right, I -
-Hey, how do I look?

Oh, you look fine. Now run on home.
I'll call you up tomorrow.

- Tomorrow?
- Yeah.

You know I always call you up
every day or two.

Oh, you and your gags.

Hey, where's your hat?
Come on, the bags are in the taxi.

- Huh? Bags? Taxi? What?
- Yeah, come on.

Oh, oh, Elaine, I'm so sorry,
but something happened.

What'd you do, lose your nerve?

Hey, where's that look
I was gonna see so often?

Look? Huh?

Hey, no, no, no. Stop, stop.
Don't whistle in my ear, please.

Mortimer, what is wrong?
Look at your hair.

Oh, my goodness, what color is it?
Quick, has it turned?

- Oh, darling, what's the matter, huh?
- Huh? Huh? Huh?

- What happened?
- Oh, oh, Elaine.

Those flowers are so beautiful.

Oh, if I could only tell you, really.
Oh, you smell so nice.

Oh! Oh, you better go home!

But, darling, we were married today.

Well, all right, go home,
go to bed, get some rest.

Rest?

Hello? Hello, who? Oh, Judge Cullman?

Oh, oh, this is Mortimer Brewster.

Look, Judge, I'll tell you
why I called you. It's about Teddy.

I've got to come over
and see you right away.

Well, I'm afraid it won't wait
until tomorrow, Judge.

Yes, you see, it's very, very important.

We've got to do something
about Teddy immediately.

Well, it's practically a matter
of life and - Elaine!

Will you get out of here?

Mortimer, what in the world
is going on around here?

- I want to know where I stand.
- Oh, anywhere, but don't stand there.

But, darling, Niagara Falls.

- It does! We'll let it.
- Now wait a minute.

Listen, you can't marry me one minute
and throw me out of the house the next!

Oh, darling, I'm not throwing you
out of the house!

I'm not throwing you out of the house!
Will you get out of here?

Mortimer!

Oh, I-I'm sorry, Judge,
but a thing happened.

Look, Judge, about Teddy,
you see, he's a -

Mortimer!
- It's - Oh, dear.

Judge, it's his bugle blowing.
The neighbors have been complaining.

The police are all set to throw him
into a state institution.

How do you like that?

I read an ad here about a room for rent.

Oh, shut up.

Well, uh, I thought
if you could sign the papers

and I can get Teddy to commit himself,
we can get him into Happy Dale.

Yes, it's a wonderful place, Judge.

You will?

Fine. I'll be right over to see you
as soon as I've made another call.

Doorbell's ringing, dear.

Oh, how do you do? Come in.

- I understand you've got a room to rent.
- Yes. Do step in.

- Well, are you the lady of the house?
- Yes, I'm Miss Brewster.

Hello, operator?
Give me long distance, please.

And this is my sister.
Another Miss Brewster.

My name's Gibbs.

Well, do sit down.

I'm sorry. We're just setting
the table for dinner.

Now, this would be
a nice, comfortable chair.

Oh, hello. Long distance?

I want the Happy Dale Sanitarium,
Happy Dale, New York.

Is Brooklyn your home?

I haven't got a home.
Live in a hotel. Don't like it.

Are - Are your family Brooklyn people?

Hello, Hap -
Haven't got any family.

- All alone in the world?
- Yep.

- No, no.
- Well, Martha.

No, Happy Dale. Yes.

Well, you've come to just the right house.

- Do sit down.
- Dale.

"D" like in dig.
You know, when you dig a lock?

That's right. And yeah,
"A" like in arsenic. Got that?

- Is there always this much noise?
- Oh, he doesn't live with us.

I can see the headlines now. Oh, please.

Hello?

I'd really like to see the room.

- I don't think I'll like it.
- The room's upstairs.

Won't you try a glass of our wine
before we start up?

- Never touch it.
- Oh.

Well, w-we make this ourselves.

It's elderberry wine.

Elderberry?

I haven't tasted elderberry wine
since I was a boy.

- Oh! Operator!
- Thank you.

Look, I don't want
the Happy Dale Laundry!

I want the Happy Dale Sanitarium!

Sanitarium! Sanitarium! Sanitarium!

Yes, like a broken record!

- Have your own elderberry bushes?
- Uh, no.

- But the cemetery's full of them.
- Oh.

Well, skoal.

Hello? Operator!

Look, operator, what's taking you so long?

It's only across the river.
I could swim it faster!

Yes!

Oh, hello! He -

Wha - What, they're busy?

Busy?

Th-They're busy and you're dizzy!

No, I'm not drunk, madam,
but you've given me an idea!

Mortimer, uh-uh, uh-uh.

Darling, don't "uh-uh-uh."
I'm nervous. No, don't do that.

Uh, Mortimer, not that.

Oh!

You!

Get out of here. Do you wanna be poisoned?

Do you wanna be murdered?
Do you wanna be killed?

Do you? Oh!

- Oh!

Th-They're nuts!

Huh. You're telling me.

Look, you can't do things like that.

Oh, dear.

Now, I don't know
how I can explain this to you...

but it's not only against the law,
it's wrong.

Oh, piffle.

It's not a nice thing to do.

People wouldn't understand.
He wouldn't understand.

What I mean is, well -

This is developing into a very bad habit!

Uh, just...

Hello? Who? Oh, Happy Dale Sanitarium?

Oh, that's amazing, operator. Yes.

Happy Dale? Uh, let me talk
to Mr. Witherspoon, please.

Mr. Witherspoon speaking.

Oh, how do you do, Mr. Brewster?
How are you?

Uh, uh, well, Mr. Witherspoon, do you -

Oh, I-I'm fine, thanks. How are you?

Mr. Witherspoon, do you remember
that conversation we had

about committing my brother Teddy
to Happy Dale?

You do? Well, we want to
commit him there immediately.

Oh, dear.

Oh, dear. Oh, that's too bad.

Well, I - I'd hoped we wouldn't
have him for some time yet.

Well, you see, Mr. Brewster, we have
several Theodore Roosevelts at the moment

and it would lead to trouble.

Oh, trouble. Oh.

Well, now if he thought that, uh -

Well, Mr. Brewster,
we're a bit short of Napoleons at present.

Bonaparte. And, uh, if -

Oh. Oh, I see. Of course.

Well, i-if your mind is made up, yes.

Yes. Have you had the papers drawn up?

No, but I'm going to
attend to that right now.

I'll call you back as soon as I have them.

Thank you, mister - Huh?

Oh, all right. Thank you, Mr. Witherspoon.

Another Roosevelt. Oh, dear, dear.

Now listen, darlings, I've got
to run over to Judge Cullman's.

But before I go, I want you
to promise me something.

Well, we'd have to know what it was first.

Well, I love you both very much.

And you know I'd do anything
in the world for you, don't you?

- Yes, dear.
- All right.

Then I want you to do
one little thing for me like good girls.

What do you want us to do?

Don't do anything.
I mean, don't do anything.

Don't let anyone in the house
and leave Mr. Whosit right where he is.

Oh, get off that thing.
I can't talk to you like -

Can't concentrate.

Oh, now look, darlings,

I wouldn't want anything in the world
to happen to either of you.

Well, what on earth could happen to us?

Well, darling -

Anyway, you'll do that
little thing for me, won't you?

All right. Now where's my hat?
Oh, there it is.

- But, Mortimer.
- What, darling, what?

We were planning to hold services
before dinner.

Well, look, sweet,
couldn't that wait until I get back?

Then you could join us in the hymns.

Yes, darling,
I could join you in the hymn.

I'll sing with you, I'll dance with you.
I'll do anything, but -

Now remember, don't let anybody
in the house until I get back.

You promise?

Good.

Mortimer.
- What? Huh?

Uh-uh-uh-uh.

Oh, stop uh-uh-uh-ing. What is it?

Mr. Hoskins's hat.

Oh-oh-oh-oh!

- Do you still want me to wait for you?
- Yes, call me a cab!

Yeah, okay. Hey, cab!

- Get me a cab.
- Oh, yeah. There you are.

Don't open it! I'll sit with you!

Yeah, that's right.
I can go faster that way. Sure.

Wait a minute! What am I doing? Hey!

Huh!

Come here!

Getting nice Mr. Hoskins's hat
all mussed up.

Shame. Such a nice hat.

Yes.

You know, Abby, uh, Mortimer
didn't seem to be quite himself today.

No. Oh, well.

Uh, well, what were you saying
about Mortimer?

Oh, I think I understand
why he seemed so upset.

Why?

- He's just been married.
- Oh.

I believe that always
makes a man a little nervous.

Oh, yes. Poor dears.

Well, I'm so happy for Elaine.

Oh, Abby, if Mortimer's coming back
for the services for Mr. Hoskins,

we'll need another hymnal.

There's one up in my room.

Oh, I'll go, dear.

Abby, we promised Mortimer
we wouldn't let anyone come in.

Abby, it's two men,
and I've never seen them before.

- Are you sure?
- Yes.

- Let me look.
- Yes, you look.

- Do you recognize them?
- No, they're strangers to me.

Well, we'll just have to pretend
we're not at home.

Come in, Doctor.

This is the home of my youth.

As a boy, I couldn't wait
to escape from this house.

Now I'm glad to escape back into it.

Yes, Johnny, it's a good hideout.

The family must still live here.

I hope there's a fatted calf
awaiting the return of the prodigal.

A fatted calf?

Oh, Johnny, I'm so hungry.

Look, Johnny. Drink.

- As if we were expected.
- Yes.

A good omen.

Who are you?

What are you doing here?

Aunt Abby.

Aunt Martha.

It's Jonathan.

You - You get out of here.

I'm Jonathan, you know.

Your nephew Jonathan.

Oh, no, you're not.

You're nothing like Jonathan,
so don't pretend you are.

You just get out of here.

I see you're still wearing
the lovely garnet ring

that Grandma Brewster bought in England.

And you, Aunt Martha,
still the high collar

to hide the scar
where Grandfather's acid burned you.

Why, his voice is like Jonathan's.

Have - Have you been in an accident?

My face.

Dr. Einstein is responsible for that.

He's a plastic surgeon.

But - But I've seen that face before.

Abby, do you remember when we took
the little Schultz boy to the movies

and I was so frightened?

It was that face.

Uh, take it easy, Johnny. Take it easy.

Don't worry. The last five years,
I give him three different faces.

I'll give him another one right away.

That last face - I saw that picture too.

Just before I operate. I was intoxicated.

You see, Doctor, what you've done to me?

-Even my own family think I'm -
-Johnny, Johnny.

You are home in this lovely house.

Y-You know...

how many times he tells me

about - about Brooklyn, about this house,

and about his aunts he loves so much?

They know you, Johnny. Please tell him so.

Well, Jonathan, it's been a long time.

Bless you. It's good to be home again.

Well, Martha, we mustn't let
what's on the stove boil over.

If you'll excuse us
for a moment, Jonathan.

Unless you're in a hurry to go somewhere.

Urn...

Well, Johnny, where do we go from here?

You know, Johnny, we got to think fast.

The police,
they got pictures of that face.

I got to operate on you right away.

We got to find someplace.

We got to find someplace
for Mr. Spenalzo too.

Don't waste any worry on that rat.

But we got a hot stiff on our hands.

Forget Mr. Spenalzo.

But, Johnny, we can't leave
a dead body in the rumble seat.

You shouldn't have killed him.

Just because he knows something
about us, what happens?

That's not...

We come to him for help
and he tries to shake us down.

Besides, he said
I looked like Boris Karloff.

That's your work, Doctor.

You did that to me.

Now, please, Johnny, take it easy.

We'll find someplace
and I'll fix you up right away, huh?

- Tonight?
- Yes, tonight.

But I have to eat first.

This time, I want the face
of an absolute nonentity.

Y-Yes, Johnny, I know exactly
what I'm going to do.

You see, I'm going to take this piece here
and lift it up, you see -

- Be careful about the stitches this time.
- You leave that up to me.

And I-I'll give you
nice little ears this time.

- You were careless last time.
- And new stitches.

You understand? You were careless.

And on the eyes, I'll do a Schmidt.

- That's my specialty.
- No.

- You see, I take it together like this...
- Leave the eyes alone.

Leave the nose. Leave the nose.

Poor Teddy.

Well, I imagine it's for the best.

Well, ours not to reason why,
ours but to do -

Yes, well, sign right here, please, Judge.

- Excuse me. Right there.
- Oh.

Sometimes I think, with the world
in its present chaotic state -

Yes, I know, we'd all be
better off at Happy Dale.

I sign here as next of kin, don't I?

Only last week,

I created a mild sensation
at the Bar Association

when-when I said -

Yes. Well, goodbye and good luck, Judge.
Thank you.

Tell Martha and Abby
I'll be over this week.

Been feeling rather lonely.

No. No. Oh, no. Never tell them
you've been lonely. Never.

-Why, I-I-I don't-
-Judge. Judge.

Tell me, are you a drinking man?

Why, no. I never indulge.

Good. Well, then you'll live longer.

Of course, a little wine now and then -

No! No! For heaven's sakes, no wine!
No wine!

I may be committing the wrong Brewster.

Well, I - I'm sure you both want
to get to wherever you're going.

My dear sweet aunties,
I'm so full of your delicious dinner,

I'm unable to move a muscle.

Yes, it's nice here.

I found it! I found it!

Gentlemen, be seated.

Here it is, gentlemen.
The story of my life. My biography.

Here's the picture
I was telling you about, General.

Here we are, both of us.

President Roosevelt
and General Goethals at Culebra Cut.

That's me, General, and that's you.

My, how I've changed.

Well, you see that picture
hasn't been taken yet.

We haven't even started work
on Culebra Cut.

We're still digging locks.

And now, General,
we will both go to Panama

and inspect the new lock.

No, Teddy. Not to Panama.

Oh, uh, maybe some other time,
Mr. President.

Panama is a long ways off.

- Nonsense. It's just down in the cellar.
- The cellar?

Well, we let him dig
the Panama Canal in the cellar.

- General Goethals?
- Yes, sir.

As president of the United States,

commander in chief of the army and navy,

and the man who gave you this job,

I demand that you accompany me
on the inspection of the new lock.

Teddy, I think it's time
for you to go to bed.

I beg your pardon. Who are you?

I'm Woodrow Wilson. Go to bed.

No, you're not Wilson.
But your face is familiar.

Let me see. You're not anyone I know now.

Perhaps later
on my hunting trip to Africa.

Yes, you look like someone
I might meet in the jungle.

I - I think perhaps
you had better go to bed, Teddy.

He and his friend
want to get back to their hotel.

General Goethals, inspect the canal.

All right, Mr. President, we go to Panama.

Bully! Bully! Follow me, General.

- It's down South, you know.
- Oh.

Well, bon voyage.

Aunt Abby, I must correct
your misapprehension.

You talked of our hotel.

We have no hotel.

We came here directly.

This is not your home,
and I'm afraid you can't stay here.

Dr. Einstein and I need a place to sleep.

You remember that as a boy,
I could be disagreeable.

It would not be pleasant
for any of us if -

I don't have to go into details, do I?

Per - Perhaps we'd better
let them stay here tonight.

Hey, Johnny. Johnny, come here, quick.

I forgot to tell you.

Dr. Einstein and I
are turning Grandfather's laboratory

into an operating room.

We expect to be very busy.

Hey, Johnny.
Down here, what do you think I find?

- What?
- The Panama Canal.

And it just fits Mr. Spenalzo.

See the hole he's digging.
Four feet wide, six feet long.

Just fits.

You'd think he knew
we were bringing Mr. Spenalzo along.

That's hospitality, huh?

Rather a good joke on my aunts.

They're living in a house
with a body buried in the cellar.

Hey, how do we get him in here?

Yes, we can't just walk Mr. Spenalzo in
through the door.

We'll bring the car up
between the cemetery and the house,

and after they've gone to bed

we'll bring Mr. Spenalzo in
through the window.

Bed. Johnny.

We're moving the car behind the house.

You'd better get to bed.

The car is all right where it is
until morning.

I don't want to leave it in the street.
That might be against the law.

Abby, what are we going to do?

Well, we're not going to let them spend
more than one night in this house,

for one thing.

What would the neighbors think?

People coming in here with one face
and going out with another.

And what are we going to do
about Mr. Hoskins?

Oh, Mr. Hoskins.

It can't be very comfortable
for him in there.

And he's been so patient, the poor dear.

Well, I think Teddy had better take
Mr. Hoskins downstairs right away.

General Goethals was very pleased.

He said the canal was just the right size.

Uh, Teddy.

Teddy, there's been another
yellow fever victim.

Dear me.

This will be a shock to the general.

No, Teddy. We must keep it a secret.

- Yes.
- A state secret?

Yes, a state secret.

Promise?

You have the word
of the president of the United States.

Cross my heart and hope to die.

Now, uh, let's see.

How are we going to keep it a secret?

Well, Teddy, I think you'd better
get back down into the cellar.

And then when I turn out the lights,
when everything's dark here,

you come up and take the poor man
down to the canal. Now get along, Teddy.

And we'll come down later
and hold services.

- Where is the poor devil?
- In the window seat.

Seems to be spreading.

We've never had yellow fever there before.

Abby, I've never even seen Mr. Hoskins.

Oh, my goodness.

- That's right, you were out.
- Hmm.

Well, you just come right along
and see him now.

You know, he's really very nice-looking
considering that he's a Methodist.

We're bringing the luggage through here.

Jonathan, your room is waiting for you.

You can go right up.

I'm afraid we don't keep Brooklyn hours.

You two run along to bed.

Oh, but you must be very tired,
both of you.

And we don't go to bed this early.

It's time I came home to take care of you.

Take the bags upstairs.

For the instruments, I'll come back later.

Good night.

Now we'll all go to bed.

I'll, uh, wait until you're up
and then turn out the lights.

Run along, Aunt Martha.

Just off the laboratory, Doctor.

- All right, Aunt Abby.
- I'll be right up.

Now, Aunt Abby. Turn out the lights.

Aunt Abby.

He's all right, Johnny.

I'll open a window.

You go round and hand him through.

But he's too heavy for me.

You go outside, Johnny, and push,
and I'll stay here and pull.

And then together,
we take him down to Panama, huh?

All right. We must be quick.

I'll take a look around outside the house.

When I tap on the glass,
you open the window.

Yeah.

It's dark in here.

Very -

Where am I?

Oh, here I am.

Who left this open?

Johnny?

Okay, Johnny. Wait a minute.
Hand him over. Wait -

Now I have him.

Allez, hop!

Now wait a minute, Johnny.

You lost a leg somewhere.

Help me. He's so heavy.

Oh, now I have him. Now I got him.

Shh!

- Be careful.
- Oh, but his shoe came off.

Help me, Johnny. He's so heavy.

Now I've got him.

Hey, Johnny, somebody's at the door.

Go open, quick. I'll manage Spenalzo.

Go, quick.

Mortimer?

Aunt Abby?

Aunt Martha?

Who is it? Is that you, Teddy?

Who are you?

I'm Elaine Harper. I live next door.

What are you doing here?

I came here to see my husband, Mortimer.

Why did you say
your name was Harper?

Well, it is Harper.
I-I-I mean, it's Brewster.

I'm not very used to it.
I'm a brand-new Brewster.

Doctor!

It's all right, Johnny. It's okay.

Maybe you'd better explain
what you're doing here.

We happen to live here.

You don't live here.

I'm in this house every day
and I've never seen you before.

Where are Miss Martha and Miss Abby?
What have you done to them?

Perhaps we'd better introduce ourselves.

May I present Dr. Einstein?

Dr. Einstein?

A surgeon of great distinction.

And something of a magician.

Now I suppose you're going to tell me
that you're Boris Kar -

I am Jonathan Brewster.

Oh, you're Jonathan.

You've heard of me?

- Yes, they talk about you.
- And what do they say about me?

Well, just that there's another brother
named Jonathan, that's all they say.

Well, that explains everything.

Now that I know who you are,
I'll just be running along,

if you'll kindly unlock the door.

"That explains everything."
Just what do you mean by that?

Why do you come here
at this time of night?

Well, I-I just thought
I saw Mortimer drive up.

I suppose it was you.

You thought you saw someone drive up?

Well, y-yes. Weren't you just outside?
Isn't that your car?

- You saw someone at the car?
- Yes.

- What else did you see?
- Oh, just that. That's all.

I see. Is that why you came over here?

Oh, no, I came to see Mortimer.
But if he's not home, I'll run along -

- Giving two names.
- You're hurting me.

I think she's dangerous.

No visitors.
It's going to be a private funeral.

Teddy! Teddy, tell these men who I am!

Why, that's my daughter, Alice.

Oh, no, Teddy. Teddy!

Now, Alice, don't be a tomboy.
Don't play rough with the gentlemen.

Charge!

Teddy!

- Doctor, the cellar.
- Oh, Teddy!

Help me! Let go of me!

Let go of me!

What's the matter?
What's happening down there?

What's the matter?
What are you doing there?

We caught a burglar. A sneak thief.

- Go back to your room.
- We'll call the police.

I'll handle this. Go back to your room.

Do you hear me?

Don't answer that.

Don't answer that!

Miss Abby!

- Oh! Elaine!
- Miss Martha!

Mortimer.
- Where's Teddy? Is he upstairs?

- Mortimer, where have you been?
- Never mind that now, darling.

Darling, what are you doing
with your best clothes on?

Mortimer!

Holy - What's that?

What's that thing there, darling?

That thing that looks like
a cigar store dummy. What is that?

It's your brother Jonathan.
And this is Dr. Einstein.

Look, dear, didn't I tell you
not to let anybody in the house?

- Who did you say it was?
- It's your brother Jonathan.

I've come back home, Mortimer.

- What?
- I've come back home, Mortimer.

"I've come back home, Mortimer."
What does that mean? It talks!

Yes, I talk.

Mortimer, have you forgotten
the things I used to do to you...

when you were tied to the bedpost?

The needles under your fingernails.

-Mortimer, he -
-Wait a minute.

Holy mackerel! It is Jonathan!

I'm glad you remember, Mortimer.

Yeah, I remember. How could I forget you?

Where'd you get that face? Hollywood?

Oh, please.

Don't you two boys start quarreling again
the minute you've seen each other.

We - Uh, we invited Jonathan
and Dr. Einstein to stay.

- Oh. What?
- Just for tonight.

Oh, no, you don't.
I'm staying here tonight.

In fact, I'm staying here from now on.

Mortimer, what about me?
- What is it?

So there's no room
for anybody else in the house.

Please, darling, just a moment.

So take that little squirt and beat it!

Now, now, where's Teddy? I've got
to see him right away. Is he upstairs?

Uh, Mr. Brewster,
we don't take up much room.

Johnny can sleep on the sofa
and I'll sleep on the window seat.

Nothing doi -

Window seat?

Certainly not on the window seat.

I'm going to sleep on the window seat.

I'm going to sleep
on the window seat from now on.

Mortimer.

Now look - Now look, Jonathan.

Now, be a good fellow.

Here's $10.
Go out and haunt yourself a hotel.

Mortimer, you know what I do
to people who order me around.

- Hey, Johnny.
- What?

- Johnny, Mr. Spenalzo.
- What?

What's going to happen
to Mr. Spenalzo?

We can't leave him here
in the window seat.

Johnny.

Doctor.

You know, Doctor, I've completely
lost track of Mr. Spenalzo.

Wait, who's this Mr. Spenalzo?

Uh, a friend of ours
Johnny was looking for.

Don't you bring anyone else in here.
Now come on, beat it, both of you!

It's all right, Johnny.

While we are packing,
I'll tell you about him.

I'll take care of you, Mortimer,
in just a little while.

How do you like that?

The guy stays away for 20 years

and picks tonight
out of all nights to come back.

Oh, hello, Elaine.
What are you doing here?

Mortimer.
- What's the matter, darling? What is it?

- I almost got killed.
- Killed?

Aunt Abby, Aunt Martha!

- Oh, no.
- Oh, no, no.

I-It was Jonathan.

- He mistook her for a sneak thief.
- Oh, that.

Oh, it was worse than that.
He's some kind of a maniac.

- I know, dear. I know.
- Mortimer, I'm afraid of him.

Oh, well, darling, don't worry about it.

I'm here now. Now forget it.

We were married today.

We were going over
Niagara Falls in a barrel.

Your brother tries to strangle me.
A taxi is waiting.

And now you want to sleep
on a window seat.

Window - Witherspoon.

- Darling, you better run along home.
- What?

Yes, yes. Go on home like a good girl.
I got things to do.

-Home? But -
-Now, now, please.

Hello, operator?
Get me Happy Dale 270, please.

But, Mortimer, didn't you hear
what I was just saying?

Your own brother Jonathan,
he was trying to strangle me.

- Please, this is important!
- That?

Hello? Oh, hello, Mr. Witherspoon?
This is Mortimer Brewster.

Yes, Mr. Brewster? Yes?

Well, I - I don't understand you.

-Look, look, I'll -
-He was going to kill me.

Wait a minute. I can't hear the man.

Well, look, I've got the papers
all drawn up.

I know it's late, but I want you
to come get my brother immediately.

It's got to be done.

Please, darling, please.

By the way, you've had the papers signed
by your brother and a doctor, of course?

Oh, the doctor?

Oh, holy mackerel! I forgot the doctor!

- Mortimer!
- Why didn't you say that?

Please, be quiet!
Can't you see I've got to get a doctor?

Hello? What kind of a doctor?
A family doctor?

You can take your honeymoon,
your wedding ring,

your taxi, your window seat
and put them in a barrel

and push them all over Niagara Falls!

Thank you, darling. Thank you.

Well, look. Why don't you
come down here anyway?

While you're getting here, I'll get
Teddy's and the doctor's signatures both.

Yeah - Elaine, Elaine!

Yeah, I'll get both signatures.
Yeah, well, come right away.

Elaine! What's the matter with her?

Oh, dear.

Elaine! Elaine!

Elaine, I -

Oh. Slammed the door.

Oh, let me sit down. Let me just
think about this thing and relax.

Doctor, Teddy, signature.

Hoskins.

Ye gods! There's another one!

Aunt Abby, Aunt Martha, come in here!

- We're busy!
- No, you come in here now!

- Yes, dear, what is it? Where's Elaine?
- Wait a minute.

Didn't you promise me not to let anyone
in the house while I was gone?

- Well, Jonathan just walked in.
- I don't mean Jonathan.

-And Doctor -
-And I don't mean Dr. Einstein.

- Who is that in the window seat?
- We told you. Mr. Hoskins.

It is not Mr. Hoskins!

There!

Who can that be?

Are you trying to tell me
you've never seen that man before?

I certainly am.

Well, this is a fine how-do-you-do.

It's getting so anybody thinks
he can walk in this house.

Now you look here, Aunt Abby.
Don't you try to get out of this.

That's another one of your gentlemen
and you know it.

Mortimer, how can you say such a thing?

That man's an impostor.

And if he came here to be buried
in our cellar, he's mistaken.

Now look, you admitted to me that
you put Mr. Hoskins in the window seat.

Yes, I did.

Well, this man couldn't have just
got the idea from Mr. Hoskins!

Oh, now -

- By the way, where is Mr. Hoskins?
- He must have gone to Panama.

- What? You buried him?
- No, no, not yet.

He's just down there waiting
for the services, poor dear.

We haven't had a minute,
what with Jonathan in the house.

- Jonathan. Oh!
- Oh, dear.

We've always wanted
to hold a double funeral.

But I will not read services
over a total stranger.

A total stranger.

Aunt Abby, how can I believe you?

There are 12 men down in the cellar
and you admit you poisoned them!

Yes, I did.

But you don't think
I'd stoop to telling a fib.

Martha! Martha, what do you think
has happened?

A fib? A fi-

Ah!

Whoa-ho! Whoa!

No, no, uh-uh.

This may interest you, Mortimer.

I've decided that we're staying.

And I've also decided that you're leaving
and I mean now.

Listen, handsome,
I'm in no mood to debate the question.

Are you getting out,
or am I throwing you out on your ear?

I've led a strange life, Mortimer.

Martha, you come straight along here.

You just look and see
what's in that window seat.

No!

No, no, Aunt Abby. Don't -

Okay.

Jonathan, let Aunt Martha see
what's in the window seat.

Aunt Abby, darling, I owe you an apology.

I've got some very good news for you.
Jonathan is leaving.

And he's taking Dr. Einstein
and their cold companion with him.

Listen, Jonathan, you're my brother.
You're a Brewster.

So I'm giving you a chance to get away
and take the evidence with you.

You can't ask for more than that.

Well?

All right, in that case,
I'll have to call the police.

Don't reach for the telephone.

Remember, what happened to Mr. Spenalzo
can happen to you too.

Spenalzo?

- I knew he was a foreigner.
- Oh.

Put down that telephone, Mortimer.

Oh.

- Hello.
- Oh, Officer O'Hara.

I saw your lights on. I thought
you might have sickness in the house.

- No.
- Oh, you got company?

- Oh, I'm sorry I disturbed you.
- No! Come in!

- Yes, do come in.
- Come right in, Officer O'Hara.

This is our nephew Mortimer.

- Well, pleased to meet you.
- Glad to see you, fella.

- And this is another nephew Jonathan.
- Pleased to make your acquaintance.

Say, your face is familiar.

Haven't I seen a picture of you
somewhere before?

I don't think so.

- I'll be running along.
- Oh, what's the hurry?

Why don't you stick around
until my brother leaves?

No, I gotta ring in, Mr. Brew-

Say, you're not the Mortimer Brewster,
book writer and dramatic critic, are ya?

- Well, yes. Why?
- Oh, what a break for me.

- I'm a playwright.
- No.

- I'm working on a play now.
- You are?

- Yeah.
- Well, well, well.

- Maybe I can help you with it.
- Oh, would you?

Oh, what a break.

I get wonderful ideas,
but I can't spell 'em.

You can't -
Oh, I can spell like the dickens.

- All the big - Constantinople?
- Yeah.

Come on. Let's go into the kitchen.

- All right. Yeah.
- You can tell me all about it.

Couldn't you whip up a sandwich
for Officer O'Hara?

I hope you don't mind eating
in the kitchen, Officer O'Hara.

And where else would you eat?

See you in a moment.

Now listen, Jonathan,
this is your last chance.

I'll keep O'Hara busy in the kitchen
to give you a chance to get out.

All three of you.
You, Dr. Einstein and Spenalzo.

Mortimer, I -

Because if you don't leave here
in five minutes,

I'll bring in Officer O'Hara
and introduce him to Mr. Spenalzo.

-Mr. Brewster, my play takes place in -
-Right with you, O'Hara. Right with you.

- Right with you.
- It's a very funny play.

Tell me the rest in a moment.

Now get going, all three of you.

Doctor, this affair between my brother
and myself has got to be settled.

But, Johnny, we've got
trouble enough as it is.

- Come, let's go.
- We're not going.

We're going to sleep right here
in this house.

What? With a cop in the kitchen
and Spenalzo in the window seat?

That's all he's got on us.

We'll take Spenalzo
and dump him in the bay.

After that, we're coming back here.

Then if he tries to interfere -

No, no, no, Johnny. No, please.

Doctor, we've got a wonderful setup here.
We can make a fortune.

Two old ladies as a front.

Only Mortimer stands in our way.

I never did like Mortimer.

No, Johnny, please, take it easy. Please.

Doctor, you know, when I make up my mind -

Yeah, I know. When you make up your mind,
you lose your head.

Look, Johnny, Brooklyn
ain't a good setup for you.

Okay, Johnny, okay.

Take the instruments
and hide them in the cellar.

Move fast.

Mr. Brewster, you don't know
what goes on in Brooklyn.

- Oh, I don't know.
- No.

- My mother was an actress.
- Oh, legitimate?

Of course she was. She was my mother.

-Oh, excuse me -
-Peaches LaTour was her name.

- Hey, Johnny, Johnny, come quick.
- What's the matter?

- You know that hole in the cellar?
- Yes.

Well, we got an ace in the hole.

This is no fly-by-night idea.

I've been working on this thing
for 12 years.

You have? Well, rehash it in your mind.
I'll be back in a minute.

- All right, swell.
- I like the first act.

The first - I didn't tell you the first -
Mr. Brew - I -

Oh.

Look, I thought I told you - Ohh.

Jonathan! Jonathan!

- Jonathan!
- Yes, Mortimer?

What are you two doing still here?
I thought I told you to beat it.

- We're not going.
- You're not going?

- No.
- No.

You stay out of this.

All right, you asked for it.

Officer O'Hara?

- Coming.
- Now -

If you tell O'Hara
what's in the window seat,

I'll tell him what's down in the cellar.

Cellar?

There's an elderly gentleman down there
who seems to be very dead.

What were you doing down in the cellar?

- What is he doing in the cellar?
- Now what are you going to tell O'Hara?

Say, your aunts think my opening is swell.

They wanna hear the rest of it.
Shall I bring 'em in here?

No, no, no, no. You can't do that.
You can't do that.

Now, uh, you'd better ring in.

The heck with ringin' in.
You got me rollin'.

I wanna tell you the whole plot.

You can't tell me
in front of those two fellas.

- They wouldn't appreciate it.
- Oh, lowbrows, huh?

Yeah. Let's go someplace
where we can be alone.

- I-I'll meet you there later.
- Okay.

Say, how about the backroom at Kelly's?

- Kelly's?
- Yeah.

Fine place. Bohemian atmosphere.
Genius at work. That's the place.

- You ring in, I'll meet you at Kelly's.
- All right, fine.

Why don't you both go down in the cellar?

- Well, that's all right with me.
- No, no, no, no.

There's a much more
literary atmosphere in Kelly's.

I assure you. It's gloomy in the cellar.

- Say, this opening will kill ya.
- It will?

I'm waiting to be born, see,
and the doctor comes in and starts -

- Oh, the doctor.
- Yeah, yeah.

Well, now look, you ring in,
I'll see you later.

Okay. You won't stand me up,
will you, Mr. Brewster?

- Yeah - Uh, no!
- This is a great play.

- You'll like it. I'll see you down there.
- Can't wait! Can't wait!

Doctor. Doctor. Wh-Where are those pap -

Oh, there they are.

Oh, oh, you're smug, aren't you?

You think you've got it over me?
Well, you haven't.

You think I'm afraid to go to the police
about Spenalzo

because you'll blab about Hoskins.
Well, I'm not!

The moment I get Spenalzo, uh -
I mean, the moment the doctor signs this,

I don't care who knows about him -
Hoskins, I mean.

And you better feel the same way
about Spenalzo.

I mean, y-yes, Spenalzo!

- Where are you going?
- The doctor's. Where do you think - Oh!

When I come back,
I expect to find you gone.

Wait for me!

We'll wait for him.

Did he look guilty?

Well, Martha, I think we can start
the services now.

Oh. We thought we heard you leave.

Perish the thought, dear aunties.
That was just Mortimer.

And speaking of services, Aunt Martha,

will you make us some coffee while we take
Mr. Spenalzo down to the cellar?

Oh, no!

No, Jonathan.
You've got to take him with you.

There's a friend of Mortimer's
downstairs waiting for him.

A friend of Mortimer's?

Take his feet, Doctor.

Mr. Spenalzo and he
will get along fine together.

They're both dead.

Oh, he must mean Mr. Hoskins.

Mr. Hoskins?

You know about what's down there?

Of course, we do.

And he's no friend of Mortimer's.

- He's one of our gentlemen.
- Your gentlemen?

Yes, and we won't have any strangers
buried in our cellar.

-But Mr. Hoskins -
-Mr. Hoskins is no stranger.

Besides, there's no room for Mr. Spenalzo.

The cellar's crowded already.

Crowded? With what?

There are 12 graves down there now.

Twelve graves?

That leaves very little room
and we're going to need it.

You mean that you and Aunt Martha
have murdered -

Murdered? Certainly not.
It's one of our charities.

Why, what we've been doing is a mercy.

So you just take
your Mr. Spenalzo out of here.

You've done all that
right here in this house

and buried them in the cellar?

That's wonderful, Johnny.

We've been chased
all over the world.

They stay right here in Brooklyn
and they do just as good as you do.

- What?
- Yeah.

You got 12, they got 12.

- I've got 13.
- No, Johnny, 12.

- Don't brag.
- Thirteen.

There's Mr. Spenalzo.

- And the first one in London.
- Yeah.

Two in Johannesburg,
one in Sydney, one in Melbourne,

two in San Francisco,
one in Phoenix, Arizona.

- Phoenix?
- The filling station.

Filling st - Oh, yes.

Three in Chicago and one in South Bend.

That makes 13.

You cannot count the one in South Bend.
He died of pneumonia.

He wouldn't have died of pneumonia
if I hadn't shot him.

No, no, Johnny, you cannot count him.

You got 12, they got 12.

The old ladies is just as good
as you are.

Oh, they are, are they?

Well, that's easily taken care of.

All I need is one more.

That's all. Just one more.

And I've a pretty good idea who it is.

I'm a very lucky man to have
caught you at home, Dr. Gilchrist.

I'm a very lucky man to have
caught you at home, Dr. Gilchrist.

This is most irregular. Most irregular.

Well, I'm sorry to have
dragged you out of bed,

but you see, you're the only one
who can help me.

I know Teddy blows bugles,

but I can't commit a man
to an institution just on that.

Oh, if you'd only have another little talk
with him, I'm sure you'd be convinced.

Now here's the house -

- There goes Hoskins.
- Who?

Hmm, what? What? Did I say - Oh, I -

Look, look. Look, now, you better wait.

- Here?
- Yes, I'll bring Teddy out.

I wouldn't want to alarm the old ladies,
you know, seeing a doctor and everything.

- You wait here.
- I-In the cemetery?

- Yeah, that'll be nice.
- Well, it's Halloween.

Oh, don't worry about Halloween.

The pixies won't be out
until after midnight.

Now look, you wait here.
Make yourself comfortable.

Pull up a tombstone.
I'll be right back, Doctor.

Hey, 22.50.

- What?
- 22.50.

Oh, yes, looks good on you.

Yes.

Not the suit, the meter!

Looks good on me. 22.50.

- Did you give him a 21-gun salute?
- Yes, with a Maxim silencer.

Hey, you!
Five more bucks and you'll own it.

Oh, no, thanks. It wouldn't fit me.

Oh, Mr. President, may I have
the pleasure of presenting -

- Dr. Livingstone.
- Uh, Livingstone?

Yeah, well, that's what he presumes.

Mr. President, the doctor would like
to have a few words with you in private.

Certainly. Welcome to Washington, Doctor.

Arlington is beautiful
at this time of year, is it not, Doctor?

Yes, indeed.

Well, now, that's that.

Gives me a chance to rest.

Well, so far, so good.

Not so good.

Do you or do you not love me?

Oh, Elaine.

Elaine, how could you say such a thing?

Darling, of course, I love you.

- Do you?
- Yes, darling.

Well, then, why have you been
treating me the way you have?

Oh, Elaine.

- Elaine? Elaine?
- You've been -

Darling, I love you so much,
I can't go through with our marriage.

Have you suddenly gone crazy?

No, no, I don't think so,
but it's only a matter of time.

Look, darling, you wouldn't want to have
children with three heads, would you?

I mean, you wouldn't want to set up
housekeeping in a padded cell.

- Oh, it'd be bad.
- What are you talking about?

Well, I don't quite know, Elaine.

Look, I probably should have
told you this before, but you see...

Well, insanity runs in my family.

It practically gallops. Tsk.

Aw, darling, just because Teddy's
a little strange, that doesn't mean -

Oh, no, darling, no, no.
It's way back before Teddy.

No, this goes back to the first Brewster,
the one who came over on the Mayflower.

Yeah. You know how in those days
the Indians used to scalp the settlers?

Well, he used to scalp the Indians.

Oh, darling, that's ancient history.

Yes, Doctor, I'll run for a third term,
but I won't be elected.

That'll mean the last of the Roosevelts
in the White House.

That's what you think.

Of course, if the country insists.

Oh, darling,
all this doesn't prove a thing.

Look at your aunts.
They're Brewster's, aren't they?

And the sweetest, sanest people
I've ever known.

Yeah.

Well, even they have their peculiarities.

Well, what of it? So your family's crazy.
So you're crazy.

That's the way I want you.
That's the way I love you.

I'm crazy, too, but kiss me.

No, no-I, I, uh-

Ohh.

Goodbye, Ambassador.
I've enjoyed this little talk very much.

Anytime you're in Washington,
drop in to see me at the White House.

- Those papers. Those papers.
- Go away, go away.

Oh, papers! Papers, yes!

- Yes. I'll commit him to any place.
- You will?

I've just been appointed
ambassador to Bolivia.

You see? Didn't I tell you? Ohh!

No, don't worry about that.
Just go on and sign the papers.

Oh, dear. Ah, thank you.
Thank you, Doctor.

All right, all right,
you'll find out whose house this is!

I'm warning you, you better stop it.

There's no use you doing what you're doing
because it'll just have to be undone.

Aunt Abby, go to bed!

It's a terrible thing to do,
to bury a good Methodist with a foreigner.

Mortimer, where have you been?

Huh? Oh, I've been getting
some papers signed.

- Is Teddy in his room?
- Oh, Mortimer.

What is the matter with you?

Running around getting papers signed
at a time like this.

Martha and I are going for the police.

Police? Wait, whoa, whoa, whoa!

Wait, wait, wait, wait!
You can't go for the police.

- Oh, no?
- No.

Do you know what Jonathan is doing?

He's putting Mr. Hoskins
and Mr. Spenalzo in together.

All right, darling, let him.

This is all fixed up nice now.

Nice and smooth like a lake.

The president will be very proud
of his Panama Canal.

Oh, Johnny, bed feels good already.

You know, we didn't get
any sleep for 48 hours.

- You're forgetting, Doctor.
- What?

- All right, all right.
- Now, Mortimer.

If Jonathan and Mr. Spenalzo
aren't out of this house before morning,

we're going for the police.

All right, darling, I'll get them out.
I promise you that!

Well, then you get the wedding silver.

Yes, well, it's a bargain.
Now remember, no police!

All right, fine.
Look, go to bed, will you?

For heaven's sake,
get out of those clothes!

You two look like a double blackout.

My brother Mortimer.

I just heard him upstairs.

No, no, no. I-I am tired.

You forget I-I've got to operate
on your face tomorrow.

You are going to operate tomorrow, Doctor.

But tonight,
we are taking care of Mortimer.

B-But, Johnny, not tonight. I'm sleepy.

We'll do it tomorrow, huh?
Or the next day.

Look at me, Doctor.

You can see that it's got to be done,
can't you?

Yeah, I know that look.

It's a little late
to dissolve our partnership.

Okay, okay, Johnny. Okay, we'll do it.

But the quick way, huh?
The quick twist like in London.

No, Doctor. I think this calls
for something special.

I think, perhaps, the Melbourne method.

Not the Melbourne method, please!

Two hours.

And-And then when it was all over, what?

The fellow in London was just as dead
as the fellow in Melbourne.

No, no, no, don't do that, Mr. President.

But I cannot sign any proclamation
without consulting my cabinet.

This must be secret.

A secret proclamation? How unusual.

Yes, it's the only way
we can outsmart the other fellow.

- Who's the other fellow?
- That's the secret.

Oh, I see.

Very clever.

Well, if it's a secret proclamation,
it has to be signed in secret.

Of course, Mr. President.

I'll have to put on my signing clothes.

Oh, you already have them on,
Mr. President.

So I have.

- Wait here.
- Yes.

- Hey, Mr. Brewster.
- Hmm?

What is it, mice? Oh.

- Hey. You get out of this house.
- Don't do that. Can't you see I'm busy?

♪ Da da da da ♪

Thank you, Mr. President.

Oh, what a load off my mind.
Boy, could I use a drink.

Get out of this house now,
will you, please?

Huh? What did you say?
Speak up, sonny. I can't hear you.

Johnny's in a bad mood.
You get out of here!

Will you stop underplaying?
I can't hear you.

- Please listen to me. Get out.
- Stop all this. What are you doing?

Look, Do - Are you really a doctor?

Yes. Heidelberg, 1919. You come -

Heidelberg? How'd you come
to hook up with Jonathan?

I tell you later about that,
but you go now.

- Please listen to me.
- Now, j-j-just -

- Will you stop it, Doctor? Stop it.
- You get out of here!

Look, look, when Johnny's in that mood,
he's a madman, he's a maniac.

And then things happen.

Horrible things.

- You get out of here!
- Stop it!

Stop telling me about Jonathan.

I'll take care of Jonathan.
You take care of yourself.

-Now get going, little fellow -
-Please, please.

- What's that? Wait a minute.
- Oh, no, my schnapps.

- Oh, oh, oh, oh! I could use that.
- Please! That's mine.

-Uh-uh, uh-uh, don't -
-Please.

Please. Only for dramatic critics.

Now look, you beat it before things
start popping around here.

But look, Mr. Brewster, please.

You've just been married.

You have a nice little wife
waiting for you.

Please go now.

Please.

Tell me, don't those plays
you see all the time teach you anything?

Oh, stop it.
Don't get me on the subject of plays.

I've got a lot on my mind now.
I've got to wait for Mr. Witherspoon.

At least people in plays
act like they got sense.

You think so? Did you ever see anybody
in a play act like they got intelligence?

- How can somebody be so stupid?
- You oughta have my job for a few nights.

When you get out of prison,

you have yourself wheeled over
to the Garrick Theater.

There's a play there
that's a honey.

It's so bad, it'll still be running
when you get out.

Now in it, there's a man.
Now listen to this.

He knows he's in a house with murderers,
so he ought to know he's in danger.

He's even been warned to get out
of the house. And does he go?

- Yes.
- No, he doesn't. He stays.

Huh, this fellow doesn't even
have sense enough to be scared

or to be on his guard, no, no.

The murderer even invites him to sit down.

- And what do you think he does?
- Oh, I don't know.

He sits down. Isn't that wonderful?

He deliberately pulls up a chair like that
and he sits down in it.

Isn't that great?

So there he is, all waiting
to be trussed up and gagged.

What do you think they used
to truss him up with?

- What?
- The curtain cord.

- Curtain cord?
- Yeah.

- But didn't he see him get it?
- See him get it?

No. The silly chump sits down
with his back toward the murderer.

All he has to do is look around.
But does he? No.

Yeah. Look, don't you see,
Brother Heidelberg?

In a play or even in a movie
for that matter,

a fellow never sees or hears anything.

- No, that's right.
- Uh, b-but what does he do?

What does he do? The big chump sits there.

This fellow, who's supposed to be bright,
he sits there.

Now get a load of this.
Look. Look at the attitude.

Large as life, he sits there
waiting to be tied up and gagged.

The big dope!

You were right about that fellow.
He wasn't very bright.

Yes, Mortimer.

I've been away for 20 years.

But never, my dear brother,
were you out of my mind.

In Melbourne, one night I dreamt of you.

The more you struggle, Mortimer,
the more you strangle yourself.

Later on, you may consider that
a blessing.

Now, Doctor...

we go to work.

Johnny, for me, please.
The quick way, please.

Doctor, this must be
an artistic achievement.

Please.

After all, we're performing
before a very distinguished critic.

- Johnny, please.
- Doctor.

All right, let's get it over with.

Oh, but - but, Johnny,
I cannot see this without a drink.

Pull yourself together, Doctor.

But I can't pull myself together
without a drink.

Johnny, you remember when we came in here,
there was some wine.

Th-They took it. Where did they put it?

Johnny, I found some wine.

I found some wine.

Here, I'll split it with you.

We both have a drink before we operate.

Oh, I am so happy that
we don't have to operate without a drink.

Doctor.

One moment, please.

Where are your manners?

Yes, Mortimer.

I realize now that it was you
who brought me back to Brooklyn.

We drink to you.

Doctor, to my dear, dead brother.

Prosit.

That idiot! He goes next.

- That's all. He goes next!
- No, not Teddy.

Not Teddy, please. That's where I stop.

- We'll get to him later.
- Not Teddy. We won't get to him at all.

Now we have to work fast. The quick way.

Oh, the quick way. Oh, yes.

If it has to be, then the quick way.
Yes, I'll help you with that.

The colonel'll have to quit
blowing that horn.

It's all right, Officer.
We're taking the bugle away from him.

I'd better talk to him myself.

Where's the lights? Oh.

Hey! You stood me up!

I've been waiting for you
for over an hour at Kelly's.

- What happened to him?
- Uh, nothing.

He was explaining a play
he saw the other night

and that's what happened
to a man in the play.

Oh, I see.

Did that really happen in a play you saw?

How do you like that?
You can't trust nobody no more.

They practically stole that
from the second act of my play.

You know, in the second act, just -

Well, maybe I'd better start
at the beginning.

Huh?

Oh, yeah, sure.

No.

You've got to hear the plot.

The plot?

My mother's sittin' there makin' up, see,
and all of a sudden, out of a clear sky,

the door comes open and a man
with a black mustache comes in.

He turns to my mother and he says,

"Miss Peaches LaTour, will you marry me?"

Well, that's the first scene.

My mother doesn't tell him
that they're married. That's the surprise.

Ah, what a kick.

All right, 25 years pass.

Well, in the meantime, there's me,

grown into a magnificent specimen.

So what do I do? I join the police force
and become one of New York's finest.

Well, I'm cleanin' out
a crooked laundry, see?

Little do I know, but there's a dope fiend
with a long knife trailing after me.

- I'm in great danger.
- Mmm.

It's gettin' you, ain't it?
I can see it in your eyes.

Well, you ain't heard nothin' yet.

All of a sudden, a fire breaks out.
What an effect!

The firemen rush in,
and who do you think's leadin' them?

Mayor Fiorello La Guardia!

What's the matter with him?

Probably your play put him to sleep.

What?

- Personally, I like it very much.
- It's probably over his head, huh?

Yeah.

- Where have I seen that face before?
- No, please.

Well, the scene changes.

It's a revolving stage.

I'm walking along my beat one night,
casual-like,

when a guy that I'm following,
it turns out he's really following me!

Don't let nobody in.

I figures I'll outsmart him.
There's a vacant house on the corner.

- So I ducks in there.
- Hey! Johnny, the cops!

I sees the door handle turn,
so I pulls out my gun,

braces myself against the wall
and I says, "Come in."

Oh, hello, boys.

What the Sam Hill's going on here?

Look, Sarge. This is Mortimer Brewster.
He's gonna help me write my play.

Did you have to tie him up
to make him listen?

O'Hara, report into the station.
Why didn't you ring in?

You've got the whole force
out lookin' for you.

Right in the middle of the second act.

Did they send you guys here
lookin' for me?

No, we came to warn the old ladies
that there's the devil to pay.

- The colonel blew that bugle again.
- I heard him.

The neighbors are all phoning in.
The lieutenant is on the warpath.

He says we've got
to put him away someplace.

Now, who the heck is this?

Oh, that's Mr. Brewster's brother.
My play put him to sleep.

Oh, that's the one that ran away.
So he came back.

Brophy. Get me Mac.

And have you got yourself in a mess.
You're two hours overdue at the station.

I better let 'em know that I found you.

Hey, it wasn't that bad, was it?

Mac?

Tell the lieutenant
he can call off the big manhunt.

We found him.

At the Brewster house.

Shall we bring him in?

All right, all right.
We'll hold him right here.

The lieutenant is on his way over.

So I've been turned in, eh?

All right, you've got me.

I suppose you and my stool pigeon brother
will split the reward.

- Reward?
- Yes, reward!

Now I'll do some turning in.

Now wait a minute, Mr. Brewster.

You think my aunts are sweet,
charming old ladies, don't you?

Well, there's 13 bodies
buried in the cellar!

Yes, 13.

Be careful what you say
about your aunts.

- They happen to be friends of ours.
- I'll show 'em to you.

Don't you make any trouble for them!
Do you hear me?

Never mind, Mr. Brewster. Leave him to me.

- I'll take care of him.
- You come down to the cellar.

Wait a minute. Now, wait a minute.

Thirteen bodies.
I'll show you where they're buried.

Oh, yeah?

- Go on down the cellar with him, O'Hara.
- Yes, come to the cellar.

Well, look, do I have to?

Look, Sarge, maybe I don't wanna
go down to the cellar with him.

Go on! Down the cellar with him!

Please, Mr. Brewster.
I'll tell you the rest of my play later.

Go on down the cellar with him.

Gee, do I have to, Sarge?

Look at that puss.
He looks like Boris Karloff.

- Aah!
- Don't! Sarge!

Look out, Pat!

Well, well -

- Look out, Pat!
- He's got a gun.

I got him, Pat. Look out!

Fight. Go on and fight.
Fight, fight, fight.

That's enough, that's enough.
Everybody off.

Oh. Tsk, tsk, tsk.

- Pat, look out!
- Amazing.

Such a fine day too.

All I did was cross the bridge
and I was in Brooklyn.

Amazing. Amazing. Amazing.

Oh, d-don't - don't bother me now.

Hey, buddy, you could use this
in the third act.

I got somethin' better than this.
Let me tell ya.

I'll see you later.

I got the papers signed.
Papers are all signed. What do I care?

Go ahead. Go ahead.
Fight. Fight. Fight. Fight.

Let me just -

Oh. I'd better call up
and see if Witherspoon has left.

Telephone. Hey.

I'll get every one of you! I hate cops!

I'll brain the first one
that comes near me.

A little higher, please, brother.
Thank you very much.

That's fine.

- Oh! Don't do that, please.
- Get him, Pat.

Oh, that won't have any effect.
I've tried - Oh.

Oh, it did. Isn't that amazing?

Oh, dear. Tsk, tsk, tsk.
Wish I could relax like that.

- Witherspoon.
- Come in.

- What has occurred?
- Well, Lieutenant -

Never mind. Didn't I tell you
I'd handle this myself?

Oh, well, Lieutenant.

We were just acting in self-defense.

What happened? Did he put up a fight?

This isn't the one that blows the bugle.

This is his brother.
He tried to kill O'Hara.

All I said was that
he looked like Boris Karloff.

Boris -

Turn him over.

Kind of think he's wanted somewhere.

Oh, you kind of think
he's wanted somewhere?

If you guys can't look at the circulars
we put up in the station,

you can at least read
"Sure Detective" stories.

Certainly, he's wanted somewhere.
In Indiana.

He escaped from the prison
for criminally insane.

- He's a lifer.
- That's my brother.

For Pete's sake, that's the way
they described him.

"He looked like Karloff."

Why'd you have to knock him out?

He tried to get us
to go down to the cellar.

He says there's 13 bodies
buried down there.

Thirteen bodies buried in the cellar

and that don't tip you off
the guy comes out of a nuthouse?

Thanks, pal.

Say, Lieutenant, about my not ringing in -

And where have you been all night?
Don't bother to tell me.

Well, I was right here writin' a play
with Mortimer Brewster.

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

Well, you're gonna have
a long time on that play.

- Yeah?
- You're suspended.

Now go on. Report in.

Take this guy out and bring him to.
I wanna find out where his accomplice is.

- What is the meaning of this commotion?
- He helped him escape. He's wanted too.

- Here.
- Hmm?

Forty-eight hours I been after these guys.
Nothin' to eat. No sleep.

No wonder Brooklyn's in the shape it's in,
with flatheads like you on the force.

Falling for a story like that!

Thirteen bodies buried down in the cellar.

But there are 13 bodies in the cellar.

- Who are you?
- I'm President Roosevelt.

- What the blazes is this?
- He's the guy that blows the bugle.

- Howdy, Colonel.
- Oh.

Well, Colonel, you've blowed
your last bugle.

Come on, get this guy out of here.

- Dear me. Another yellow fever victim?
- What?

All the bodies in the cellar
are yellow fever victims.

No, no, no, Colonel. This is a spy.
We caught him at the White House.

Take him out and bring him to.
I wanna question him.

If there's any questioning of spies,
that's my department.

Hey, you, keep out of that.

You're forgetting that as president,
I am also head of the Secret Service.

Ah-ah-ah!

Who are you?

What's your name?

Usually, I'm Mortimer Brewster,
but I'm not quite myself today.

Oh, you're his brother. Now look here.
No argument. He's gotta be put away.

No, no, no. No arguments, Captain.
No arguments.

Look, just a minute.
T-Take it easy. Read this.

Teddy's going to go to Happy Dale tonight.
I'm just waiting here for Mr. Witherspoon.

Well, as long as he's goin' someplace.

He's scaring the neighbors,
what with that bugle and all.

And that cockeyed story
about 13 bodies being bur -

You know, I-I've been
without sleep for 48 hours.

- I'm liable to think anything.
- Yeah, Captain, I know just how you feel.

There's people dumb enough
to believe a story like that.

Last year over in Greenport,

there was a crazy guy
started a murder rumor.

I had to dig up a whole half acre lot
before I could prove -

- Oh, what's this?
- What's the matter?

- These papers ain't no good.
- Why not?

He signed it Theodore Roosevelt.

He what?

- Your taxicab engaged?
- Yeah.

And losing dough every minute.
Got any offers?

I'm Mr. Witherspoon
of the Happy Dale Sanitarium.

I have come here to collect a Brewster.

I would like you to drive us
back to the sanitarium.

I knew this would end up in a nuthouse!

We like to think of it as a rest home.

Mr. Brewster?

Mr. Brewster?

Why can't you listen to reason?

Mr. Witherspoon is here.

Supposing the spy
should steal this document

and find the name
Theodore Roosevelt on it.

Think what that would mean
to the safety of the nation.

- No, it's chicanery.
- Oh, what is this? Come on!

He's come to, Lieutenant.
He's ready to talk.

- Hold him till I get there.
- Yes, sir.

Well, let me explain.

The name Brewster is code for Roosevelt.

- Code for Roosevelt?
- Yes. Don't you see?

Take the name Brewster. Take away the

- And what have you got?
- Rooster.

Uh-huh. And what does a rooster do?

- Crows.
- It crows.

And where do you hunt in Africa?

- On the veldt.
- There you are! Crowsveldt!

Ingenious!

My compliments to the boys
in the code department.

Hey, that's all right.
Do that again for me, will you?

Never mind!

Give me that pen.

This is fun.

Oh, now all I got to get is Witherspoon.
Witherspoon.

Witherspoon - Oh. Oh.

Oh, Mr. Witherspoon,
I can't tell you how glad I am to see you.

Mr. Witherspoon, before -

Look, you will take good care of Teddy
at Happy Dale, won't you?

- Best of care of him, Mr. Brewster.
- Oh, that's fine.

And, uh, no wagon
when he leaves or anything.

Why? To take him away?
Oh, never, never.

Taxicabs. We always -
I have one waiting now.

Look, it means a great deal to me.

You will personally see that Teddy's happy
at Happy Dale, won't you?

- He'll be very happy at Happy Dale.
- That's good. He's so sensitive.

You know, I sometimes envy
some of our patients secretly, you know.

Oh, you do? It must be a nice place.
Of course, I've never been to Happy Dale.

Well...
you never can tell. Mm-hmm.

Oh, this is a particularly happy moment
for me tonight, Mr. Brewster, yes.

I have never met a dramatic critic
and I've been so anxious to.

Oh, the woods are full of 'em.

I have here something I think will explain
what we're trying to do at Happy Dale.

- A pamphlet about Happy Dale?
- Oh, no, no. It's a play.

Something I've been working on
for some time now.

It's a dramatization, really,
of many of the little incidents

that have happened there at Happy Dale.

Captain! Captain!

- Captain!
- I want you to read this very carefully.

And I want you to be just as harsh
as you like in your criticism.

- Oh, don't worry.
- I shan't mind.

Captain, this is Mr. Witherspoon.

Oh, yes, yes.

He'll be very happy at Happy Dale.

- Come, my boy.
- What is this?

Oh, no, no, Mr. Witherspoon.
You got it wrong.

This is - This is Captain Rooney.

- Mr. Witherspoon.
- The police?

- Yeah.
- Oh.

I'm sure.
Here are the papers, all signed.

Now you can take him away, Super.

I'll be in my office vetoing some bills.

Mr. President, I have good news for you.

Your term of office is over.

- Is this March the fourth?
- Practically.

Let's see.

Oh, now I go on my hunting trip to Africa.

Well, I must get started immediately.

Is he trying to move into the White House
before I've moved out?

Who, Mr. President?

Taft!

No, no, Teddy. This isn't Mr. Taft.

It's Mr. Witherspoon.
He's going to be your guide to Africa.

Bully! Bully!

Wait right here.
I'll bring down my equipment.

Happy man.

Goodbye, Aunt Abby.
Goodbye, Aunt Martha.

I'm on my way to Africa.
Isn't it wonderful?

Charge!

It's all right, darling. I've got it.

Oh, dear.

And Happy Dale is full of staircases.

You've come to meet Teddy, haven't you?

No, he's come to take him.
Teddy's been blowin' his bugle again.

Oh, no, no.

No, he can't go now.
We won't permit it.

We promise to take
his bugle away from him.

We won't be separated from Teddy.

I'm sorry.

Mortimer, how can you allow this?
You promised.

Mr. Brewster's got nothing to do
with this, lady. The law's the law.

Teddy's committed himself
and he's gotta go.

Well, if he's going, we're going too.

Yes, you'll have
to take us with him.

Well - W-Well, why not?
Why not, indeed?

Well, it's sweet of them
to want to go, but it's quite impossible.

We never take sane people
at Happy Dale.

Oh, no, no, no.

Now, these two little sane people
mixed up with all the others

would get lost in the shuffle,
wouldn't they?

- You could arrange that.
- Oh, no, no, no.

-Just put them in -
-Oh, no, no, no.

Too dangerous. Dissension, jealousy.

Let's be sensible, ladies.

Here I am wastin' my time,
I could be doin' some serious work.

You know, ladies, there are still murders
to be solved in Brooklyn.

It ain't only his bugle blowing.
The neighbors are afraid of him.

But things are gonna get worse.

We're liable to be put to the trouble
of having to dig up your cellar.

Our cellar?

- Yeah.
- Uh-oh.

Teddy's been tellin' around
there's 13 bodies buried in the cellar.

Well, there are 13 bodies in our cellar.

- What?
- Yes.

You just ask our nephew Mortimer.

Charge!

Oh, isn't that amazing?

Now, Mortimer, you behave yourself.

You know very well there are
13 bodies down in our cellar.

Certainly, there are 13 bodies
down in the cellar.

And there are hundreds more
up in the attic, Captain!

Well, don't you -

- What is this?
- You mustn't mind Mortimer.

- How about it, Lieutenant?
- I'll be right there.

Uh, he's been a little strange all day.

Lady, right now I wouldn't know
what is and what ain't strange anymore.

I'm gonna have a look in that cellar.

I'll tell you what we'll do, Captain.

I'll bring my bodies down from the attic
and you get yours up from the cellar

and we'll get them all together
and we'll send them to Happy Dale.

Yes?

- What?
- No, no, no.

You wouldn't have to dig.
The graves are all marked.

- We put flowers on them every Sunday.
- Flowers?

Sure. I-I put neon lights on mine.

Ah. Humor them.
Humor them. Hu-Hu-Humor them.

Yeah, smile. You know.

- What?
- Uh, there's one down there,

- a Mr. Spenalzo...
- Hasn't got it yet.

...who doesn't belong here
and who's going to have to leave.

But the other 12 are our gentlemen.

- Your gentlemen?
- Oh, you'd like mine better.

None of mine are gentlemen.

- You mustn't mind him at all.
- He got married today.

♪ There is a Happy Dale far, far away ♪

♪ There is a Happy - ♪ See?

Yeah, yeah.

He got it. It's amazing.

Look, Super, don't you think
you can find room for the ladies?

Just the ladies?

Uh-

Just the ladies.

- How about it, Super?
- Well, they'd have to be committed.

Well, Teddy committed himself.
Couldn't they commit themselves?

- All they have to do is sign the papers.
- Certainly.

Oh, well, if we can go with Teddy,
we'll sign the papers.

- Come along, darlings.
- Where are they?

- Yes, where are they?
- I have them, ladies, right here.

Sign them up, will you, Super?
I want to get this all cleaned up.

I'm goin' out and talk to that spy.

Maybe I can understand him.

Thirteen bodies in the cellar.

Ladies, if you will sign right here.

- Right here?
- Yes, please.

It's on the right-hand side right there.

I'm really looking forward to going.

The neighborhood here has changed so.

Yes, especially since they won
that old pennant thing.

Oh - Oh, dear, I'm so sorry.

- We've overlooked something.
- What?

It is absolutely compulsory
that we have the signature of a physician.

Oh, a doctor. Oh!

Dr. Einstein, come here
and sign some papers, please.

- Good night.
- Come here, Dr. Einstein.

- A doctor?
- Oh, yes, yes.

Dr. Einstein almost operated on me
earlier this evening.

Come along, Doctor.

Now here. Now just sign right here,
please, Doctor.

- Yes.
- Were you leaving, Doctor?

Yes, please.

Oh, aren't you going to wait for Jonathan?

I don't think we go to the same place.

Hello, Mac. We picked up
that guy that's wanted in Indiana.

His accomplice's description
is right on the circular.

It's on the desk in front of you.
Read it to me, will you?

Yeah.

About 40?

5'3".

140 pounds.

Pop eyes.

Talks with a German accent.

Poses as a doctor.

Okay, Mac. Thanks.

It's all right, Lieutenant Rooney.

The doctor here
has completed the signatures.

Oh, that's great! Thanks, Doc.

You've done Brooklyn a great service.

But, Dr. Einstein...

Now, Mr. Witherspoon -

No, no, you're Mr. Witherspoon.
I'm Mr. Brewster.

It's contagious, yes. It's your turn.

Oh, now don't play games -

You sign. You sign as next of kin.

Oh, the ne - Why didn't you say so?
I'm all confused. Don't mind me.

Oh, what is this - Mortimer -

Mr. Witherport.

- Spoon.
- Oh, here.

Come up and pack my duffel.

-Uh -
-Duffel?

Yeah, duffel. Pack his duffel.
He's the president, you know?

- Oh.
- And bring along my bugle.

President.

Don't charge!

Mortimer.

Mortimer, we're really very worried
about something.

Oh, now, darling, don't be worried.

Me, too, Mortimer.

Well, of course, darling. Hmm.

You're both going to be very happy
at Happy Dale. Really.

- Oh, yes, dear.
- Give you my word.

We're very happy about the whole thing,
but that's just it.

We don't want anything to go wrong.

-Well, what can go wrong?
Mortimer.

Will they investigate those signatures?

Oh, no, they won't look up Dr. Einstein.

- Don't give it a thought.
- But it's not his signature, dear.

- Well, whose?
- It's yours.

- Mine?
- You see, you signed as next of kin.

- Well, what's wrong about that, darling?
- Well, dear.

- Martha, you tell him.
- Well, no.

- I can't.
- Oh, dear.

- Well, dear.
- What, dear?

You're not really a Brewster.

Uh - Huh? What? What?

Your mother came to us as a cook

and you were born
about three months afterwards.

And she was such a sweet woman
and such a good cook,

we didn't want to lose her,
so brother married her.

Your real father was a cook too.

He was a chef on a tramp steamer.

You mean -
You mean I'm not really a Brewster?

Darling, don't feel so badly about it.

And I'm sure it won't make
any difference to Elaine.

- No.
- Of course, it won't, darling.

Elaine! Elaine! Where are you?

Can you hear me?
I'm not really a Brewster!

I'm the son of a sea cook!

Mortimer! Mortimer!

Mortimer, it's true!
It's true! I saw them!

Mortimer, it's true! It's true!

- There are 13 bodies down there!
- Whoa, whoa! No, no!

But I saw them -

Mmm. Mmm.

What's all the screamin' about?

-But I saw them -
-It's way past her bedtime.

Quiet!

-But, Mortimer-
-Goodbye! Goodbye!

-Bye!
Goodbye, darling!

What is all this?

They're going on their honeymoon.

Well, they're off to a flyin' start.

Goodbye, darling.

...pulls my gun -

Hey, uh, uh -

Mortimer, I really did see -

-Uh, you'll own two cabs.
Mortimer, I-

I mean, the meter!

Oh, Mortimer.

Oh.

Oh, Mortimer. Hmm?

Oh, we're going to Niagara Falls.
Call me a cab, dear.

Yes, love -

But, Mr. Brewster!

No, no, I'm not a Brewster.
I'm a son of a sea cook.

Charge!

I'm not a cabdriver! I'm a coffeepot!