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1
00:00:04,505 --> 00:00:06,907
(applause, cheering, whooping)
2
00:00:07,007 --> 00:00:09,810
(jazz song ends)
3
00:00:10,611 --> 00:00:13,747
Where the hell is Clara? Ray?
4
00:00:13,847 --> 00:00:15,716
Ray, where the hell
is Clara? She's up next!
5
00:00:15,816 --> 00:00:18,419
Nobody's seen her,
boss. I-I don't...
Oh, God.
6
00:00:18,519 --> 00:00:21,155
You. I'm desperate here.
Can you fill in tonight?
7
00:00:21,255 --> 00:00:22,956
Oh, me? In the spotlight?
8
00:00:23,057 --> 00:00:24,725
I don't know.
Fine. How about you?
9
00:00:24,825 --> 00:00:26,427
Uh-uh, uh-uh, uh-uh. My turn.
10
00:00:26,527 --> 00:00:28,162
Sorry, Sally.
11
00:00:28,262 --> 00:00:30,331
ANNOUNCER:
Up next, Clara Brown
and the Uptown Gals!
12
00:00:30,431 --> 00:00:32,633
(applause)
13
00:00:32,733 --> 00:00:34,635
Good evening, Harlem.
14
00:00:34,735 --> 00:00:37,571
Unfortunately,
Clara couldn't make it. Huh.
15
00:00:37,671 --> 00:00:39,773
But I'm Alberta Haynes,
16
00:00:39,873 --> 00:00:41,842
and I'll be taking care
of y'all tonight.
17
00:00:41,942 --> 00:00:46,880
* Once I lived a life
of a millionaire *
18
00:00:46,980 --> 00:00:52,019
* Spending my money,
I didn't care *
19
00:00:52,120 --> 00:00:57,891
* Carried my friends out
for a good time *
20
00:00:57,991 --> 00:01:00,194
* Buying bootleg liquor, ha! *
21
00:01:00,294 --> 00:01:03,664
* Champagne and wine... *
22
00:01:03,764 --> 00:01:06,467
Damn! The pipes
on this broad!
23
00:01:06,567 --> 00:01:08,702
* So low *
(applause and cheering)
24
00:01:08,802 --> 00:01:13,141
* I didn't have a friend,
and no place to go *
25
00:01:13,241 --> 00:01:18,646
* But if I ever get my hands
on a dollar again *
26
00:01:18,746 --> 00:01:24,852
* I'm gonna hold on to it
till them eagles grin. *
27
00:01:29,657 --> 00:01:31,625
MAN:
Later that day,
28
00:01:31,725 --> 00:01:33,026
Lauren entered her apartment.
29
00:01:33,127 --> 00:01:35,429
Meanwhile, her sister's dead
body was lying
30
00:01:35,529 --> 00:01:36,830
in the adjacent room.
31
00:01:36,930 --> 00:01:38,699
It's the husband, right?
He's got to be the killer.
32
00:01:38,799 --> 00:01:40,134
Pete thinks it was the husband.
33
00:01:40,234 --> 00:01:41,269
No way.
34
00:01:41,369 --> 00:01:42,370
Says the husband.
35
00:01:42,470 --> 00:01:43,671
Hey, what's shaking?
36
00:01:43,771 --> 00:01:45,506
We're listening to a podcast.
37
00:01:45,606 --> 00:01:47,341
Ooh. What's a podcast?
38
00:01:47,441 --> 00:01:48,809
A podcast is like a...
39
00:01:48,909 --> 00:01:50,544
like a TV show
but without the pictures.
40
00:01:50,644 --> 00:01:52,180
Baby, that's called radio.
41
00:01:52,280 --> 00:01:53,947
What you're describing is radio.
42
00:01:54,047 --> 00:01:56,284
This delves into the murder
of a woman named Hailey,
43
00:01:56,384 --> 00:02:00,288
which is especially sad because
all Haileys are crazy hot.
44
00:02:00,388 --> 00:02:01,789
PETE:
Sam,
45
00:02:01,889 --> 00:02:03,457
you should do a podcast
about Alberta's murder.
46
00:02:03,557 --> 00:02:05,293
Pete, that's a great idea.
47
00:02:05,393 --> 00:02:06,794
Always thinking of you.
48
00:02:06,894 --> 00:02:08,362
I mean, not always.
I have other interests, too.
49
00:02:08,462 --> 00:02:11,632
Not that you're an interest.
Would someone else please talk?
50
00:02:11,732 --> 00:02:13,501
The ghosts think
that I should start a podcast
51
00:02:13,601 --> 00:02:14,835
about Alberta's murder.
52
00:02:14,935 --> 00:02:17,471
A murder pod
where you have access
53
00:02:17,571 --> 00:02:19,407
to the actual victim?
54
00:02:19,507 --> 00:02:21,175
I love it.
Yes!
55
00:02:21,275 --> 00:02:23,143
Plus, it could be drum up
publicity for the B and B.
56
00:02:23,244 --> 00:02:25,879
You know what? I could pitch it
to the Ulster County Review.
57
00:02:25,979 --> 00:02:27,114
They do podcasts.
58
00:02:27,215 --> 00:02:28,582
Oh, speaking of podcasts,
can we finish
59
00:02:28,682 --> 00:02:30,518
listening to this one?
Nice segue.
60
00:02:30,618 --> 00:02:32,152
Little did Hailey know
61
00:02:32,253 --> 00:02:35,356
that would be her last trip
to the Pilates studio.
62
00:02:35,456 --> 00:02:37,090
TREVOR:
A Hailey who did Pilates.
63
00:02:37,191 --> 00:02:39,960
This story just got
even more tragic.
64
00:02:41,995 --> 00:02:45,699
ALBERTA:
Now, be sure to mention
I was a famous singer.
65
00:02:45,799 --> 00:02:49,036
Yes, obviously, Alberta.
That's all part of the pitch.
66
00:02:49,136 --> 00:02:50,471
Ooh, I can't believe
67
00:02:50,571 --> 00:02:51,839
I'm gonna be on a podcast!
68
00:02:51,939 --> 00:02:53,040
Whatever that is.
Okay, bye.
69
00:02:53,140 --> 00:02:54,608
HETTY:
Excuse me.
70
00:02:54,708 --> 00:02:57,077
But how many times must
I bring up the washing machine?
71
00:02:57,177 --> 00:03:00,514
It continues to make a racket
that has ruined my slumber.
72
00:03:00,614 --> 00:03:01,915
Yeah. I know. It's broken.
73
00:03:02,015 --> 00:03:03,451
Jay said he called about it
this morning.
74
00:03:03,551 --> 00:03:05,753
Jay lying.
He play video games all morning.
75
00:03:05,853 --> 00:03:07,120
The one with the red little
76
00:03:07,221 --> 00:03:09,590
Italy man and his green
little Italy brother.
77
00:03:09,690 --> 00:03:11,024
Seriously?
78
00:03:11,124 --> 00:03:12,493
Thor! Don't be a rat.
79
00:03:12,593 --> 00:03:15,195
In the world I come from,
there was nothing worse.
80
00:03:15,296 --> 00:03:18,165
Yeah, we did some shady stuff,
but we had a code.
81
00:03:18,266 --> 00:03:20,133
A code you did not break.
82
00:03:20,234 --> 00:03:22,936
It's what inspired my hit song
"Don't Be a Rat."
83
00:03:23,036 --> 00:03:27,841
* Hey, they'll flip on you
just like that *
84
00:03:27,941 --> 00:03:30,644
* There's nothin' worse
than a low-down rat... *
85
00:03:30,744 --> 00:03:34,415
No! Last time you sing,
song got stuck
86
00:03:34,515 --> 00:03:36,149
in Thorfinn's head
for many moons!
87
00:03:36,250 --> 00:03:39,253
ALBERTA:
Okay, whatever.
The point is, there's nothing
88
00:03:39,353 --> 00:03:40,654
lower than a rat.
89
00:03:40,754 --> 00:03:44,024
What about ground
rat walk on? Yes!
90
00:03:44,124 --> 00:03:45,959
Thor win mind fight.
91
00:03:47,661 --> 00:03:50,030
SAMANTHA:
So, what do you think?
92
00:03:50,130 --> 00:03:52,800
Well, I mean, murder,
mobsters, jazz.
93
00:03:52,900 --> 00:03:54,368
You got everything.
94
00:03:54,468 --> 00:03:56,069
And this Alberta-- she seems
like a big personality.
95
00:03:56,169 --> 00:03:57,405
Oh, yeah. (laughs)
96
00:03:57,505 --> 00:03:59,206
She can be a lot.
97
00:03:59,307 --> 00:04:02,109
Could... be a lot, is what
I've uncovered from my research.
98
00:04:02,209 --> 00:04:04,211
And she died in the house
that you're currently living in?
99
00:04:04,312 --> 00:04:05,546
I mean, that's a hook!
100
00:04:05,646 --> 00:04:07,648
Right?
I think it could be great.
101
00:04:07,748 --> 00:04:09,683
So, do you have an expert
lined up?
102
00:04:09,783 --> 00:04:12,486
Well, I'm sort of
an Alberta expert myself.
103
00:04:12,586 --> 00:04:14,488
No, no, no, no.
You need an expert.
104
00:04:14,588 --> 00:04:15,923
You're the journalist.
You need a cohost
105
00:04:16,023 --> 00:04:17,758
you can talk to
about the subject.
106
00:04:17,858 --> 00:04:19,493
Ooh. How about this guy?
107
00:04:19,593 --> 00:04:22,663
Todd?
108
00:04:22,763 --> 00:04:24,465
It's Alberta's toenail.
109
00:04:24,565 --> 00:04:26,767
Why?
Maybe I could one day
110
00:04:26,867 --> 00:04:29,770
make an Alberta
from just a little bit of nail.
111
00:04:29,870 --> 00:04:32,172
What is wrong with you, Todd?
112
00:04:32,272 --> 00:04:34,074
"Todd Pearlman, curator
113
00:04:34,174 --> 00:04:36,410
of the Alberta Haynes Museum
in Altoona, Pennsylvania."
114
00:04:36,510 --> 00:04:40,080
Yeah. Uh, the thing is,
I've actually met him.
115
00:04:40,180 --> 00:04:42,149
Wow, you know him?
That's fantastic.
116
00:04:42,249 --> 00:04:43,951
Oh, my God. He has
over 100,000 followers.
117
00:04:44,051 --> 00:04:46,354
That's a built-in audience
right there. (laughs)
118
00:04:46,454 --> 00:04:48,121
Yeah, but how
do I put this?
119
00:04:48,221 --> 00:04:50,524
He's... a little off.
120
00:04:50,624 --> 00:04:53,394
He's got, like, a-a giant tattoo
of Alberta's face on his back.
121
00:04:53,494 --> 00:04:55,195
The guy's kind of a stalker.
122
00:04:55,295 --> 00:05:00,233
Sam, someone who stalks a dead
person is called a historian.
123
00:05:00,334 --> 00:05:01,869
He's weird, Lewis.
124
00:05:01,969 --> 00:05:04,472
I don't know how else
to say this. He's very weird.
125
00:05:04,572 --> 00:05:08,108
Look, at the end of the day,
this podcast is your baby.
126
00:05:08,208 --> 00:05:10,344
But if you want to do it
at the Ulster County Review,
127
00:05:10,444 --> 00:05:12,179
then I will leave you
with this.
128
00:05:12,279 --> 00:05:15,916
No Todd, no pod.
129
00:05:17,751 --> 00:05:18,652
(sighs)
130
00:05:18,752 --> 00:05:20,654
(loud rattling)
131
00:05:20,754 --> 00:05:24,124
You shut up!
You shut up right now!
132
00:05:24,224 --> 00:05:25,593
Oh, hey, Hetty.
133
00:05:25,693 --> 00:05:28,328
You yelling at the washing
machine? That's cool.
134
00:05:28,429 --> 00:05:31,231
This vile contraption
will not let me nap.
135
00:05:31,331 --> 00:05:32,900
How is this progress?
136
00:05:33,000 --> 00:05:35,068
In my day,
the washer never made a peep.
137
00:05:35,168 --> 00:05:38,105
In fact, I'm not sure I ever
heard Helen say anything at all.
138
00:05:38,205 --> 00:05:39,873
(gasps)
139
00:05:41,642 --> 00:05:43,210
(gasps)
Oh, thank God!
140
00:05:43,310 --> 00:05:45,713
Oh, Jay, I know
you can't hear me,
141
00:05:45,813 --> 00:05:47,080
but thank you very much indeed.
142
00:05:47,180 --> 00:05:49,650
-(rattling resumes)
-No, Jay!
143
00:05:49,750 --> 00:05:51,084
No!
144
00:05:51,184 --> 00:05:53,621
Come back and
push the button.
145
00:05:54,755 --> 00:05:56,790
You know, there is an upside
146
00:05:56,890 --> 00:05:58,659
to a broken washing machine.
147
00:05:58,759 --> 00:06:00,794
What could possibly be good
148
00:06:00,894 --> 00:06:02,696
about this deafening
monstrosity?
149
00:06:02,796 --> 00:06:04,565
Sit on it.
150
00:06:04,665 --> 00:06:06,834
Sit on it?
Yes.
151
00:06:06,934 --> 00:06:08,702
Why would I ever do
something like that?
152
00:06:08,802 --> 00:06:10,203
Just trust me.
153
00:06:10,303 --> 00:06:12,139
Fine, I will indulge you
154
00:06:12,239 --> 00:06:14,141
if for no other
reason than to end
155
00:06:14,241 --> 00:06:16,844
this conversation.
156
00:06:21,615 --> 00:06:24,752
Oh, my.
157
00:06:25,619 --> 00:06:28,355
I'll leave you two alone.
158
00:06:28,456 --> 00:06:31,492
(singsongy):
Oh...
159
00:06:31,592 --> 00:06:33,827
Ah...
160
00:06:35,295 --> 00:06:37,898
Oh...
161
00:06:38,699 --> 00:06:39,633
Oh.
162
00:06:39,733 --> 00:06:41,435
So...
163
00:06:41,535 --> 00:06:42,870
how'd the meeting go?
164
00:06:42,970 --> 00:06:44,805
Well, he really liked the idea.
165
00:06:44,905 --> 00:06:46,540
That's incredible!
Yes!
166
00:06:46,640 --> 00:06:48,308
He did have one thought, though.
167
00:06:48,408 --> 00:06:50,578
He suggested
that I have a cohost.
168
00:06:50,678 --> 00:06:52,079
And more
specifically...
169
00:06:52,179 --> 00:06:55,282
that that cohost be
Todd Pearlman.
170
00:06:55,382 --> 00:06:56,950
What?!
171
00:06:57,050 --> 00:06:58,452
You mean Creepy Todd?
172
00:06:58,552 --> 00:06:59,920
My psychopath
stalker?
173
00:07:00,020 --> 00:07:02,222
Oh, the freak that collects
Alberta's toenails.
174
00:07:02,322 --> 00:07:03,190
He was sort of emphatic.
175
00:07:03,290 --> 00:07:05,292
He said, "No Todd, no pod."
176
00:07:05,392 --> 00:07:07,861
And you said, "No
pod," right, Sam?
177
00:07:07,961 --> 00:07:09,497
Look at me.
178
00:07:09,597 --> 00:07:10,764
Tell me you said,
"No pod."
179
00:07:10,864 --> 00:07:13,166
Why won't she make
eye contact with me?
180
00:07:13,266 --> 00:07:16,003
Well, I...
(doorbell rings)
181
00:07:16,804 --> 00:07:18,271
Oh, no.
182
00:07:19,540 --> 00:07:21,374
I got here as fast as I could.
183
00:07:21,475 --> 00:07:25,012
Oh, Sam, what did you do?
184
00:07:31,384 --> 00:07:33,621
I brought you
a little gift in honor
185
00:07:33,721 --> 00:07:35,155
of the official opening
of the B and B.
186
00:07:35,255 --> 00:07:36,624
That is sweet.
187
00:07:36,724 --> 00:07:39,192
Sweet? It's probably
one of my baby teeth.
188
00:07:39,292 --> 00:07:41,829
Oh, yay, this guy.
189
00:07:41,929 --> 00:07:43,664
Here you go.
190
00:07:43,764 --> 00:07:45,365
Oh.
191
00:07:45,465 --> 00:07:47,801
It's your self-published book
192
00:07:47,901 --> 00:07:50,504
on Alberta.
I really enjoyed doing it.
193
00:07:50,604 --> 00:07:52,439
I'm thinking
about writing other things.
194
00:07:52,540 --> 00:07:54,341
Manifestos,
ransom notes.
195
00:07:54,441 --> 00:07:56,209
I actually have a bunch
of stuff from the museum
196
00:07:56,309 --> 00:07:57,978
out in my car.
ISAAC:
Right.
197
00:07:58,078 --> 00:08:00,380
The museum he runs
from his mother's garage.
198
00:08:00,480 --> 00:08:02,983
Research, files, artifacts.
199
00:08:03,083 --> 00:08:05,385
I thought they would be
useful for the podcast.
200
00:08:05,485 --> 00:08:07,287
Mm-mm, thank you,
no pod, no Todd.
201
00:08:07,387 --> 00:08:09,456
We're not doing no
podcast no more, Sam.
202
00:08:09,557 --> 00:08:11,091
Great. Jay and I will
help you bring it in.
203
00:08:11,191 --> 00:08:14,127
Thanks, I had to clear a bunch
of space in the garage anyway,
204
00:08:14,227 --> 00:08:16,196
because my mom's
boyfriend Kyle needed
205
00:08:16,296 --> 00:08:18,532
a place to store
his bowling stuff.
206
00:08:18,632 --> 00:08:21,068
It's like each word is
sadder than the last.
207
00:08:21,168 --> 00:08:22,536
(door closes)
208
00:08:22,636 --> 00:08:25,238
I can't believe this.
Creepy Todd back in my life.
209
00:08:25,338 --> 00:08:26,640
Alberta?
210
00:08:26,740 --> 00:08:29,509
Bertie, sweetie, you've
just got to relax.
211
00:08:29,610 --> 00:08:31,612
Excuse me?
It's all good.
212
00:08:31,712 --> 00:08:33,480
ISAAC:
Hetty, are you ill?
213
00:08:33,581 --> 00:08:34,948
Can we, can we get ill?
214
00:08:35,048 --> 00:08:37,685
Well, if you're referring
to my relaxed demeanor,
215
00:08:37,785 --> 00:08:39,720
it may have
something to do
216
00:08:39,820 --> 00:08:41,622
with a magical encounter
I had recently
217
00:08:41,722 --> 00:08:43,557
with the washing machine.
218
00:08:43,657 --> 00:08:45,092
What happened
with the washing machine?
219
00:08:45,192 --> 00:08:47,327
No one knows, Peter, it's simply
220
00:08:47,427 --> 00:08:49,329
one of the magical mysteries
of the universe.
221
00:08:49,429 --> 00:08:51,398
Wait.
222
00:08:51,498 --> 00:08:53,133
Hetty, do you really not know
223
00:08:53,233 --> 00:08:55,068
what was happening
on the washing machine?
224
00:08:55,168 --> 00:08:58,906
Not a clue.
It was making you aroused.
225
00:08:59,006 --> 00:08:59,940
Oh, yes.
226
00:09:00,040 --> 00:09:01,108
Sexually.
What?!
227
00:09:01,208 --> 00:09:03,110
Mm-hmm.
Oh...
228
00:09:03,210 --> 00:09:05,345
Well...
229
00:09:05,445 --> 00:09:07,247
I will certainly...
230
00:09:07,347 --> 00:09:09,282
not be doing that again.
231
00:09:09,382 --> 00:09:11,785
Please, please look away.
232
00:09:11,885 --> 00:09:14,421
What's this old piece
of furniture?
233
00:09:14,521 --> 00:09:16,657
Oh, be careful.
That, my friend,
234
00:09:16,757 --> 00:09:18,425
is an end table that belonged
235
00:09:18,525 --> 00:09:20,460
to Alberta herself.
Oh.
236
00:09:20,560 --> 00:09:21,662
SAMANTHA:
Wow, is this a picture
237
00:09:21,762 --> 00:09:23,363
of Alberta
when she was a little girl?
238
00:09:23,463 --> 00:09:25,132
Oh, that's actually
a thing I did online
239
00:09:25,232 --> 00:09:28,401
where I put her and my pictures
together and it shows
240
00:09:28,501 --> 00:09:30,003
what our kid
would look like.
241
00:09:30,103 --> 00:09:32,439
(groans) Sam, I beg you,
stop asking questions.
242
00:09:32,539 --> 00:09:34,441
Pretty cute.
243
00:09:34,541 --> 00:09:35,676
Holy crap,
that's my table.
244
00:09:35,776 --> 00:09:37,845
There's a false bottom.
245
00:09:37,945 --> 00:09:39,847
Sam, you tell him to stop
messing with that right now.
246
00:09:39,947 --> 00:09:41,448
Maybe we shouldn't
mess with that.
247
00:09:41,548 --> 00:09:43,450
You know, just 'cause
it's an antique.
248
00:09:44,785 --> 00:09:46,186
What is that?
JAY: Some kind of old book.
249
00:09:46,286 --> 00:09:48,155
That's nothing.
Don't look at that!
250
00:09:48,255 --> 00:09:49,422
Oh, my God!
251
00:09:49,522 --> 00:09:51,358
It's Alberta's diary.
252
00:09:51,458 --> 00:09:53,961
Whoa.
Twist of plot.
253
00:09:54,061 --> 00:09:55,395
Diaries are personal,
254
00:09:55,495 --> 00:09:56,864
so keep
your looky-loo hands off it.
255
00:09:56,964 --> 00:10:00,267
Maybe we should just
respect Alberta's privacy.
256
00:10:00,367 --> 00:10:01,669
Are you joking?
257
00:10:01,769 --> 00:10:03,203
What are we even
doing this podcast
258
00:10:03,303 --> 00:10:05,038
for, if not to take advantage
259
00:10:05,138 --> 00:10:06,539
of something like this?
260
00:10:06,640 --> 00:10:08,909
What a find!
261
00:10:09,009 --> 00:10:11,144
Sam, you have
to get that back.
262
00:10:11,244 --> 00:10:13,380
There's something in there
that can't get out.
263
00:10:14,514 --> 00:10:16,884
Alberta says there's something
in there that can't get out.
264
00:10:16,984 --> 00:10:19,052
Come on, what could be that
bad? She's always bragging
265
00:10:19,152 --> 00:10:21,421
about hiding bodies
and bootlegging.
266
00:10:21,521 --> 00:10:23,891
All that stuff's nothing
compared to this.
267
00:10:23,991 --> 00:10:25,893
So what is it?
What's in the diary?
268
00:10:25,993 --> 00:10:28,762
Trust me,
you don't want to know.
269
00:10:28,862 --> 00:10:30,497
I mean, now I definitely
want to know.
270
00:10:30,597 --> 00:10:32,499
Yeah.
271
00:10:34,267 --> 00:10:35,769
Come on, Hetty, you can do this.
272
00:10:35,869 --> 00:10:37,771
Clean thoughts, clean thoughts.
273
00:10:37,871 --> 00:10:40,741
Clean, clean, clean... laundry,
274
00:10:40,841 --> 00:10:43,711
washing machine. Damn it.
275
00:10:45,545 --> 00:10:47,480
Has he gotten
to the juicy part yet?
276
00:10:47,580 --> 00:10:50,150
No. Todd's kind
of a slow reader.
277
00:10:50,250 --> 00:10:52,419
We finished this page
two minutes ago, Todd.
278
00:10:52,519 --> 00:10:54,487
Let's go.
279
00:10:54,587 --> 00:10:56,089
Wait.
280
00:10:56,189 --> 00:10:58,158
Should we be feeling
a slight moral quandary
281
00:10:58,258 --> 00:11:00,427
about delving into Alberta's
personal writings?
282
00:11:00,527 --> 00:11:02,763
I mean, diaries are
supposed to be...
283
00:11:02,863 --> 00:11:04,164
private.
284
00:11:04,264 --> 00:11:05,198
(sputters)
285
00:11:05,298 --> 00:11:07,100
On the other hand...
Yes?
286
00:11:07,200 --> 00:11:08,769
Todd is going to find out
287
00:11:08,869 --> 00:11:11,338
whatever secret it is
she doesn't want us to know.
288
00:11:11,438 --> 00:11:13,741
At which point Alberta will
no doubt need our support.
289
00:11:13,841 --> 00:11:15,675
So in a way it'll be better
290
00:11:15,776 --> 00:11:17,377
that we're up to speed.
291
00:11:17,477 --> 00:11:19,346
So we should
keep snooping.
292
00:11:19,446 --> 00:11:21,648
For Alberta.
293
00:11:24,551 --> 00:11:26,486
Oh, my God, I think
he's turning the page.
Yes, yes, yes!
294
00:11:26,586 --> 00:11:28,155
Oh, thank God.
Do it, do it, do it!
295
00:11:30,557 --> 00:11:31,859
No!
Damn it, Todd!
296
00:11:31,959 --> 00:11:33,426
Come on!
Come on, man, come on!
297
00:11:33,526 --> 00:11:35,562
You wrote a book, read one!
Please!
298
00:11:37,030 --> 00:11:39,800
Alberta's really torn up about
this whole diary thing, Jay.
299
00:11:39,900 --> 00:11:41,802
Look, I can try to
take it from him,
300
00:11:41,902 --> 00:11:43,804
but I don't think the Hulk
could pry it from Todd's hands.
301
00:11:43,904 --> 00:11:45,906
It's, like, his
Ark of the Covenant.
302
00:11:46,006 --> 00:11:48,708
His what?
BOTH:
Raiders of the Lost Ark!
303
00:11:48,809 --> 00:11:50,911
Would you just die already
so we can be best friends?
304
00:11:51,011 --> 00:11:52,679
Look, I'm sorry
for what happened.
305
00:11:52,780 --> 00:11:54,147
But, honestly,
we're all gonna find out.
306
00:11:54,247 --> 00:11:57,017
So maybe you should just tell us
in your own words.
307
00:11:57,117 --> 00:11:58,819
Oh, fine.
308
00:11:58,919 --> 00:12:01,221
Remember the story
of how I got my big break?
309
00:12:01,321 --> 00:12:03,757
A real underdog story.
I love underdogs.
310
00:12:03,857 --> 00:12:05,793
Not that I'm saying I love you.
311
00:12:05,893 --> 00:12:08,095
W-Would someone else talk,
please?
312
00:12:08,195 --> 00:12:09,729
The headliner Clara Brown
didn't show,
313
00:12:09,830 --> 00:12:11,899
so they asked me
to perform in her place.
314
00:12:11,999 --> 00:12:15,302
What I never told y'all
was the real reason
315
00:12:15,402 --> 00:12:17,304
Clara was a no-show that night.
316
00:12:17,404 --> 00:12:20,507
It was 'cause she got arrested
and spent a night in jail.
317
00:12:20,607 --> 00:12:22,542
And the reason she was arrested
318
00:12:22,642 --> 00:12:24,377
was because...
319
00:12:24,477 --> 00:12:26,079
I ratted her out.
320
00:12:26,179 --> 00:12:27,714
(gasps)
321
00:12:27,815 --> 00:12:29,682
You want to tell me what that
gasp means or wait till later?
322
00:12:29,783 --> 00:12:31,151
Later.
Okay.
323
00:12:31,251 --> 00:12:32,786
Catch up then.
324
00:12:32,886 --> 00:12:36,289
Oh! I'm a rat, y'all!
325
00:12:36,389 --> 00:12:37,690
A rat!
326
00:12:37,791 --> 00:12:39,960
* Nothin' worse *
327
00:12:40,060 --> 00:12:43,330
* Than a low-down rat. *
328
00:12:43,430 --> 00:12:44,932
Sorry.
329
00:12:50,938 --> 00:12:51,972
What's all the commotion?
330
00:12:52,072 --> 00:12:53,240
Did I miss a gasp?
331
00:12:53,340 --> 00:12:55,242
Alberta is rat,
which is ironic
332
00:12:55,342 --> 00:12:57,644
because she give Thor trouble
about being rat earlier.
333
00:12:57,744 --> 00:13:00,881
Irony he gets,
yet cars are still landships.
334
00:13:00,981 --> 00:13:02,449
This is all your fault, Sam.
335
00:13:02,549 --> 00:13:04,651
If you hadn't brought Todd back,
no one would have found
336
00:13:04,751 --> 00:13:07,354
the diary and none of this
would be happening.
337
00:13:07,454 --> 00:13:09,056
Okay, no,
I-I played a role in it.
338
00:13:09,156 --> 00:13:11,624
But, honestly, wasn't the
podcast, like, Pete's idea?
339
00:13:11,724 --> 00:13:13,560
It's kind of all his fault.
What are you doing, Sam?
340
00:13:13,660 --> 00:13:15,528
And just so you know,
Pete agrees with me...
341
00:13:15,628 --> 00:13:16,496
Girl!
342
00:13:16,596 --> 00:13:18,365
I forgot you could see him.
343
00:13:18,465 --> 00:13:21,101
Now the whole world's gonna
find out I'm a fraud.
344
00:13:21,201 --> 00:13:22,535
All my fans.
345
00:13:22,635 --> 00:13:25,172
Let down by their one true god.
346
00:13:25,272 --> 00:13:27,674
Even in despair,
she retains a healthy ego.
347
00:13:27,774 --> 00:13:30,743
Alberta, you're looking at this
through the lens of your era.
348
00:13:30,844 --> 00:13:32,946
I don't think people
will be as bothered
349
00:13:33,046 --> 00:13:34,547
by this as you worry they are.
350
00:13:34,647 --> 00:13:36,683
So you don't think my fans
will think less of me?
351
00:13:36,783 --> 00:13:38,585
Your fans love you.
352
00:13:38,685 --> 00:13:40,988
One little incident's
not gonna change anything.
353
00:13:41,088 --> 00:13:43,290
Oh, my God!
354
00:13:43,390 --> 00:13:45,192
This is not gonna
be super helpful.
355
00:13:45,292 --> 00:13:47,027
Alberta was a rat.
356
00:13:47,127 --> 00:13:48,695
(gasps)
SAMANTHA:
I mean, Todd,
357
00:13:48,795 --> 00:13:50,964
not that I am familiar yet
with what you're talking about,
358
00:13:51,064 --> 00:13:53,300
but, honestly, I'm sure
it wasn't, like, a big deal.
359
00:13:53,400 --> 00:13:54,868
No big deal?
(stammers)
360
00:13:54,968 --> 00:13:57,837
She went against the entire code
that she lived by.
361
00:13:57,938 --> 00:14:00,340
I've dedicated
my entire adult life
362
00:14:00,440 --> 00:14:02,642
to the study
and appreciation of this woman.
363
00:14:02,742 --> 00:14:04,244
But now...
364
00:14:04,344 --> 00:14:06,379
I'm not even sure
I know who she is.
365
00:14:06,479 --> 00:14:07,847
ALBERTA:
Oh, my God.
366
00:14:07,948 --> 00:14:10,350
I've lost Todd.
367
00:14:10,450 --> 00:14:12,886
HETTY:
Uh, Flower?
368
00:14:12,986 --> 00:14:15,088
I have something
369
00:14:15,188 --> 00:14:17,557
that I am ashamed
370
00:14:17,657 --> 00:14:19,927
to admit, but I feel I must.
371
00:14:20,027 --> 00:14:22,896
A short time ago, I succumbed
372
00:14:22,996 --> 00:14:25,432
to my demons and I sat
373
00:14:25,532 --> 00:14:27,334
on the washing machine again.
374
00:14:27,434 --> 00:14:29,970
Hetty, it's... it's okay.
375
00:14:30,070 --> 00:14:31,838
No, it's not okay.
376
00:14:31,939 --> 00:14:33,406
It's weak, it's immoral.
377
00:14:33,506 --> 00:14:35,108
It's your body, isn't it?
378
00:14:35,208 --> 00:14:36,643
I mean, you're in charge
of it, right?
379
00:14:36,743 --> 00:14:38,745
You mean since my
husband passed away?
380
00:14:38,845 --> 00:14:39,779
No!
381
00:14:39,879 --> 00:14:42,682
Since always, man!
382
00:14:42,782 --> 00:14:46,019
Look, being ashamed
of female pleasure
383
00:14:46,119 --> 00:14:48,455
was just some BS thing
that men
384
00:14:48,555 --> 00:14:50,390
thought up
to control women.
385
00:14:50,490 --> 00:14:52,792
There is nothing wrong
386
00:14:52,892 --> 00:14:54,427
with feeling good, Hetty.
387
00:14:54,527 --> 00:14:56,930
And you don't need
a man's permission.
388
00:14:58,465 --> 00:15:01,001
But we still need men
389
00:15:01,101 --> 00:15:03,971
to design and manufacture
the washing machines.
390
00:15:04,071 --> 00:15:06,239
No, women can do that, too.
391
00:15:06,339 --> 00:15:08,275
Heavens to Betsy!
392
00:15:08,375 --> 00:15:09,309
(both laugh)
393
00:15:09,409 --> 00:15:11,244
Oh, what a time to be alive.
394
00:15:11,344 --> 00:15:14,481
I mean, you know
what I mean.
395
00:15:15,748 --> 00:15:19,119
Hey, Alberta, we just, uh,
wanted to come check on you.
396
00:15:19,219 --> 00:15:23,156
Don't you see,
if Todd reacted that way,
397
00:15:23,256 --> 00:15:25,492
then everyone
who listens to the podcast
398
00:15:25,592 --> 00:15:28,361
is gonna turn against me.
(sighs)
399
00:15:28,461 --> 00:15:30,797
And they'd be right to.
Wait, if ratting out Clara was
400
00:15:30,897 --> 00:15:32,532
so against everything
you believed in,
401
00:15:32,632 --> 00:15:34,734
then why'd you do it?
402
00:15:35,735 --> 00:15:38,771
Things weren't easy
for a woman my size back then.
403
00:15:38,871 --> 00:15:41,374
Sure, we had
Ma Rainey and Bessie Smith,
404
00:15:41,474 --> 00:15:43,110
but that didn't mean
that was
405
00:15:43,210 --> 00:15:44,911
what the club owners
were looking for.
406
00:15:45,012 --> 00:15:46,646
(exhales)
407
00:15:46,746 --> 00:15:49,849
And I was tired
of being overlooked.
408
00:15:49,949 --> 00:15:53,653
* Nobody knows you
when you're down *
409
00:15:53,753 --> 00:15:58,058
* And out, I mean,
when you're down and out. *
410
00:15:58,158 --> 00:16:00,227
All right.
411
00:16:00,327 --> 00:16:01,628
The gig is yours.
412
00:16:01,728 --> 00:16:05,265
Oh, yes!
The Alberta era has begun.
413
00:16:05,365 --> 00:16:07,267
Not you. Her.
414
00:16:07,367 --> 00:16:09,036
Her?
415
00:16:09,136 --> 00:16:11,004
Well, look at her.
416
00:16:11,104 --> 00:16:12,705
She's a star, baby.
417
00:16:12,805 --> 00:16:15,475
I guess you just don't have
what I do, hon. (chuckles)
418
00:16:17,810 --> 00:16:20,313
I agreed to stay on as
one of Clara's backup singers,
419
00:16:20,413 --> 00:16:22,582
hoping someday
my talent would win out.
420
00:16:22,682 --> 00:16:25,952
For two years, I watched onstage
421
00:16:26,053 --> 00:16:29,256
as someone less deserving lived
my dream right in front of me.
422
00:16:29,356 --> 00:16:30,923
That must have been so hard.
423
00:16:31,024 --> 00:16:32,259
ALBERTA:
It was.
424
00:16:32,359 --> 00:16:34,194
One day I decided...
425
00:16:34,294 --> 00:16:35,862
I wasn't gonna take it no more.
426
00:16:35,962 --> 00:16:37,864
I knew Clara dabbled
in bootlegging.
427
00:16:37,964 --> 00:16:40,300
Mostly 'cause I dabbled
in bootlegging.
428
00:16:40,400 --> 00:16:42,902
And so I dropped a dime on her.
429
00:16:43,002 --> 00:16:45,004
And became a rat.
430
00:16:45,105 --> 00:16:47,307
Alberta, you were
in a really unfair situation.
431
00:16:47,407 --> 00:16:50,510
And, honestly, that Clara chick
kind of sounds like she sucks.
432
00:16:50,610 --> 00:16:53,580
Smug little floozie
couldn't even hit a high C.
433
00:16:53,680 --> 00:16:55,782
Oh, from my barbershop
quartet days
434
00:16:55,882 --> 00:16:57,750
I recognize that
as quite the burn.
435
00:16:57,850 --> 00:17:00,220
SAMANTHA:
You know that that story
436
00:17:00,320 --> 00:17:03,123
makes what you did completely
understandable, right?
437
00:17:03,223 --> 00:17:04,724
And why didn't you
tell us before?
438
00:17:04,824 --> 00:17:07,227
'Cause it's not easy
for me to be...
439
00:17:07,327 --> 00:17:08,795
vulnerable.
440
00:17:08,895 --> 00:17:12,499
I mean, people see me
as this super-confident diva.
441
00:17:12,599 --> 00:17:15,502
But the truth is,
that's an armor I wear.
442
00:17:15,602 --> 00:17:18,105
I struggle like everyone else.
443
00:17:18,205 --> 00:17:19,572
But I don't let that show.
444
00:17:19,672 --> 00:17:22,142
I need to be
my loudest fan.
445
00:17:22,242 --> 00:17:24,244
'Cause God knows there's
always been plenty of folks
446
00:17:24,344 --> 00:17:26,946
trying to tear me down.
Okay, I didn't even think
447
00:17:27,046 --> 00:17:29,516
this was possible, but this
makes me love you even more.
448
00:17:29,616 --> 00:17:31,151
Agreed.
Yep.
449
00:17:31,251 --> 00:17:32,685
Seriously?
450
00:17:32,785 --> 00:17:34,354
And I'm pretty sure
your fans would think so, too.
451
00:17:34,454 --> 00:17:37,490
I mean, jazz legend who has
insecurities just like me?
452
00:17:37,590 --> 00:17:40,227
I'm on board.
Stars-- they're just like us.
453
00:17:40,327 --> 00:17:42,329
You're saying
this makes me relatable?
454
00:17:42,429 --> 00:17:44,897
Oh, yeah.
Like that Jason Momoa spread
455
00:17:44,997 --> 00:17:46,933
in that magazine where
he's shopping for shoelaces?
456
00:17:47,033 --> 00:17:49,102
You're saying
I'm the female Momoa?
457
00:17:49,202 --> 00:17:50,837
Oh, yeah, we're saying it.
458
00:17:50,937 --> 00:17:54,341
Oh, what the hell?
Sam, you fire up that podcast.
459
00:17:54,441 --> 00:17:55,942
We got a public to inspire.
460
00:17:56,042 --> 00:17:59,045
I'm coming for you,
regular joes.
461
00:17:59,146 --> 00:18:02,882
Alberta's gonna inject some
hope into your dreary lives.
462
00:18:02,982 --> 00:18:05,752
Is she going too far?
Let her have it.
463
00:18:05,852 --> 00:18:08,955
Oh, your one true god
is now relatable.
464
00:18:09,055 --> 00:18:10,890
(laughing)
465
00:18:10,990 --> 00:18:13,059
SAMANATHA:
So, perhaps,
466
00:18:13,160 --> 00:18:16,296
Alberta's motivations were
more complicated than they seem.
467
00:18:16,396 --> 00:18:18,465
If your theory is correct,
468
00:18:18,565 --> 00:18:20,933
Alberta wasn't just
a tremendous talent.
469
00:18:21,033 --> 00:18:24,204
She was also a crusader
against unfair body standards,
470
00:18:24,304 --> 00:18:25,538
which, honestly,
471
00:18:25,638 --> 00:18:27,640
only makes me more impressed
by her.
472
00:18:27,740 --> 00:18:29,676
Yes! I got Todd back!
473
00:18:29,776 --> 00:18:31,611
And makes my desire
to clone her even greater.
474
00:18:31,711 --> 00:18:33,780
What?
Congratulations.
475
00:18:33,880 --> 00:18:34,914
(groans)
476
00:18:35,014 --> 00:18:35,982
You know,
it's interesting, Todd.
477
00:18:36,082 --> 00:18:37,517
If Alberta were here,
I feel like
478
00:18:37,617 --> 00:18:38,918
she'd probably be
pretty grateful
479
00:18:39,018 --> 00:18:41,354
this whole rat story came
to light.
480
00:18:41,454 --> 00:18:42,689
She might even
481
00:18:42,789 --> 00:18:44,624
call me a hero
for inviting you over
482
00:18:44,724 --> 00:18:46,159
and discovering the diary.
483
00:18:46,259 --> 00:18:47,494
Okay, girl. Calm down.
484
00:18:47,594 --> 00:18:48,928
Look at Clara.
485
00:18:49,028 --> 00:18:51,331
She kind of does looks mean,
doesn't she?
486
00:18:51,431 --> 00:18:52,665
Gadzooks, I know that woman.
487
00:18:52,765 --> 00:18:54,501
What are you talking about?
Oh, yeah.
488
00:18:54,601 --> 00:18:57,036
She was here the night Alberta
performed at the mansion.
489
00:18:57,136 --> 00:18:58,605
The night I was murdered?
Are you sure?
490
00:18:58,705 --> 00:19:02,008
Yeah, she was wearing
this really big hat.
491
00:19:02,108 --> 00:19:03,376
ISAAC:
Oh, yes.
492
00:19:03,476 --> 00:19:04,677
Do you know
what this means?
493
00:19:04,777 --> 00:19:07,580
We have our very first suspect.
494
00:19:07,680 --> 00:19:08,915
(all gasping)
495
00:19:09,015 --> 00:19:12,018
Oh, great gasp,
everyone. Bravo.
496
00:19:12,118 --> 00:19:14,254
Are you okay?
497
00:19:14,354 --> 00:19:17,457
I asked you a question,
and you just spaced out.
498
00:19:17,557 --> 00:19:19,726
You do that a lot.
499
00:19:26,199 --> 00:19:27,133
Well, you picked a good one.
500
00:19:27,234 --> 00:19:28,601
What is this? What's happening?
501
00:19:28,701 --> 00:19:30,203
Yeah. I mean, the last one
made such a racket.
502
00:19:30,303 --> 00:19:32,805
What? No. No.
The last one was fine.
503
00:19:32,905 --> 00:19:35,174
Well, this bad boy's
the quietest in the market.
504
00:19:35,275 --> 00:19:39,178
No! Put it down!
Put it down this instant!
505
00:19:39,279 --> 00:19:43,716
Jay! Who are you to play God?
506
00:19:46,986 --> 00:19:49,722
Goodbye, old friend.
507
00:19:49,822 --> 00:19:53,493
I will always remember...
your spin cycle.
508
00:19:53,593 --> 00:19:55,895
You know, you don't need
a washing machine
509
00:19:55,995 --> 00:19:57,630
to achieve the feeling.
510
00:19:57,730 --> 00:19:59,566
You don't?
511
00:19:59,666 --> 00:20:02,034
There are so many other things
you can do.
512
00:20:02,134 --> 00:20:04,036
Hmm.
Here.
513
00:20:04,136 --> 00:20:05,838
Walk with me.
514
00:20:07,840 --> 00:20:09,742
(whispering indistinctly)
515
00:20:09,842 --> 00:20:12,011
(gasps)
Dear Lord.
516
00:20:12,111 --> 00:20:14,213
Oh, I would never!
517
00:20:20,052 --> 00:20:23,756
Captioning sponsored by
CBS
518
00:20:23,856 --> 00:20:28,295
Captioned by
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