All language subtitles for Whats.Up.Doc.1972_English

at words poetic

I'm so pathetic

that I always
have found it best

instead of getting it
off my chest

to let 'em rest

unexpressed

I hate parading
my serenading

as I'll probably
miss a bar

but if this ditty
is not so pretty

at least it'll tell you
how great you are

you're the top

you're the colosseum

you're the top

mmm, you're
the Louvre museum

you're a melody
from a symphony

by Strauss

you're a bindle bonnet

a Shakespeare sonnet

you're Mickey Mouse

you're the Nile

you're the tower of Pisa

you're the smile

on theMona Lisa

I'm a worthless check

a total wreck

a flair

but if, baby,
I'm the bottom

you're the top

you're the top

you're Mahatma Gandhi

you're the top

you are Napoleon Brandy

you're the purple light

of a summer night in Spain

you're the national gallery

you're Garbo's salary

you're cellophane

you are sublime

you're a turkey dinner

you're the time

the time
of the derby winner

I'm a toy balloon

that is fated soon to

pop

but if, baby, I'm the bottom

you're the top

top

Flight 4 for New York
now loading gate 7.

Flight 741 is now arriving
at gate 8.

Taxi.

Follow that cab!

Howard!

Howard Bannister!

Howard, when I ask you
to wait for me somewhere,

I expect you to stay there
until I come back.

Yes, Eunice.

Now, it is difficult
enough for me

To have to see to all
these arrangements myself.

Yes, Eunice.

It is exactly 6:15.

If we reach the hotel
in half an hour,

We'll have just enough time
to get dressed for the banquet.

Yes, Eunice.

Put these in a taxi.

Yes, Eunice.

It's a beautiful city,
isn't it, Howard?

I'd like to come here
on our honeymoon.

Did you hear me,
Howard?

I said I'd like
to come here

On our honeymoon.

What? I thought you wanted
to go to San Francisco

On your honeymoon.

Thisis
San Francisco, Howard.

Of course it is.

Howard!

What are you trying to do,
get yourself killed?!

Are you all right
back there?

I hope
nothing's broken.

It's just a bump, Howard.
Don't overdramatize.

No, I mean
my igneous rocks.

I hope they're
not damaged.

I know
how you feel, mister.

I hate it
when my igneous rocks

Are even touched.

ja, miss,
may I help you, please?

I was wondering if my
friends were still here.

They're visiting
from the New Hebrides,

And I believe they're
in room 1717.

I'm sorry,
but that room is vacant.

I don't understand.

They told me they
would be in room 1717

At the hotel Crystal.

This is the Bristol,
madam,

Not the Crystal.

Then one of us must be
in the wrong hotel.

Ah,
Mrs. Van Hoskins!

So nice to have you
back with us.

Thank you, Hans.

Fritz.

What happened
to Hans?

There is no Hans,
Mrs. Van Hoskins.

There is only me--fritz.

Oh, what a shame!

Boy!

Franz, I'm gonna
take this with me.

There are some things
I need tonight.

Tomorrow, I want you to put it
in the hotel safe for me.

It will be done,
madam.

Room service,
please.

Hi, room service.
This is room 1717.

I'd like a double-thick
roast beef sandwich,

Medium-rare
on rye bread

With mustard on the top,
mayonnaise on the bottom,

And a coffee
hot fudge sundae,

With a large
bottle of diet anything.

You got that?

Yeah, room 1717.

Oh, and, room service,
would you put it

In the hall
outside the door?

Don't bring it in
or knock on the door

Because I'm putting
my little one to sleep.

Right. Thank you.

I am miss Eunice burns,
and this is my fiancé,

Dr. Howard Bannister.

We are here

For the congress of American
musicologists convention.

Howard, go to the drugstore
and get some aspirin.

I want you to be in shape
for this evening.

Don't touch that.

They're my prepaleozoic
tambula rocks.

Don't touch
his rocks.

I will take care
of those.

Howard, you go
to the drugstore

And be back in my room
in five minutes.

Right. Eunice?

Yes?

Why am I going to
the drugstore?

Aspirin. Howard, get it
with buffering added.

It's better
for the stomach.

Front!|

Flat.

Sir?

Your bell is flat.
It's half a tone off.

What's up, doc?

I beg your pardon?

We gotta stop
meeting like this.

I think you're making
a mistake.

You see, I just came in here
for something for a headache.

You're gonna need
an awful big glass of water

To get that down.

What?

Oh, no. You see,
I'm a musicologist.

I was just testing this specimen
for inherent tonal quality.

Uh-huh.

I have this theory

About early man's
musical relationship

To igneous
rock formations.

Uh-huh.

But I guess you're
not really interested

In igneous
rock formations.

Not as much as I am
in the metamorphic

Or sedimentary
rock categories.

I mean, I can take
your igneous rocks

Or leave them.

I relate primarily
to micas, quartz, feldspar.

You can keep your pyroxenes
and magnetites,

As far
as I'm concerned.

I forgot
why I came in here.

Headache.

Oh, yes. Thank you.
And good-bye.

Oh.

Was it something
I said?

I beg your pardon?

Listen,
what do you think I am?

A piece of ripe fruit

You can squeeze the juice
out of and cast aside?

Miss, I think you're
making a mistake.

Sure, that's all I am
to you--a mistake,

A clerical error.

Forget you even
know my name.

I don't know your name.

Judy Maxwell.

How do you do?

Could you let go
of my hand?

I don't think so.

Aahh!

Oh! Look
what happened.

Oh, dear.

Please don't help me.

I'm perfectly able
to do this myself.

You gotta be
more careful.

Did you know 3
of all fatal accidents

Happen in corner
drugstores?

What's going on
back there?

Uh, nothing.

We're just looking
for a little aspirin.

Let me help you.

Don't help me.

Just go away.

OK.

My husband
will pay for this.

What's he doing
on the floor back there?

He suffers from
a nervous condition.

He falls down a lot.

I don't want people
falling down in here.

Well, we're on our honeymoon.

Is this the kind
with buffering?

That's right.

How much
do I owe you?

$68. 29.

I beg your pardon?

68 dollars
and 29 cents.

How much is it
without buffering?

Look, mister,
the aspirin is 84 cents.

This is $67. 45.

What's that?

A radio.

Radio? I don't want
a radio.

What about
your wife?

I don't want a wife.
I haven't got a wife.

Oh, come on, Steve,
quit kidding around.

He's always
kidding around.

I don't know who you are.
I don't know who she is.

Aw, come on, Steve,
buy her the radio.

It's on sale.

You call
this a honeymoon?

Hey! What about
the aspirin?

Steve, wait!

Wait up, Steve.

Oh!

Uh...

Oh, am I sorry.

I am...

I'm terribly sorry.

Let me sew it up
for you.

We'll go
someplace quiet.

We'll get a needle and
thread in the drugstore.

I don't want to go
into the drugstore.

I don't like the drugstore.

Oh, don't be angry.

Listen, Steve.

My name
is not Steve,

It is
Howard Bannister.

Now that I've told
you that,

I just wish you'd forget
you've ever heard it.

I like
Steve better anyway.

Obviously, you've mistaken me
for someone else.

Now just go away
and leave me alone.

Why'd you follow me
into the drugstore?

I didn't follow you
into the drugstore.

I had a headache.

Still have it?

No.

See?

Howard, I said
five minutes.

I'm sorry, Eunice.

Eunice? That's
a person named Eunice.

Where have
you been?

I had a little problem
in the drugstore.

Steve, you didn't tell me
you were married.

Congratulations.

We will be soon.

Condolences.

Who is this person?

I haven't
the vaguest idea.

She was behind a rock
in the drugstore.

Oh, come on, Steve.

Why is she
calling you that name?

Don't pay any attention
to her, Eunice.

Look, miss Maxwell--

You know her name.

Eunice, I swear
this is a bizarre joke.

Sure!

It's easy for you.

Everywhere you go,
another heart broken.

You call it joking. Eunice
and I, we call it lust.

Don't you know
the meaning of propriety?

Propriety? Noun.
Conformity

To established standards
of behavior or manners.

Suitability.
Rightness or Justice.

See "etiquette. "

Good evening,
sir.

Good evening.

We don't want to wake up
the little one.

No, we sure don't.

I, uh...

Was just, uh...

Looking for my key.

Oh, yes.

Can't seem to
find it anywhere.

Maybe
the door's open.

No, I'm sure
I locked it.

Good night.

Don't forget
your dinner.

Oh, yeah, right.

I'll get it later.

Thanks.

Eunice?

Ahem.

Eunice?

Who's there?

It's me,
Howard Bannister,

Your fiancé.

Oh. You look
very nice, Howard.

Thank you, Eunice.
You look very nice, too.

I haven't gotten
dressed yet, Howard.

Oh.

Come in.
I'll do your tie.

What tie
is that, Eunice?

Your tie--
the tie in your hand.

Oh, yes.
Of course.

My, uh... Uh...

Dinner's here.

I don't know who he is,
but I hate him.

Well, Howard,

You must have said something
to encourage that girl.

What do you mean,
Eunice?

Howard, you know what
I'm talking about.

After all, you are a man.

Yes, that's true.

She is a woman.

Yes, that's true.

The same way
I'm a woman.

I don't think of you
as a woman, Eunice.

I think of you
as... Eunice.

But Iam a woman, Howard.

Oh, I know that.

Eunice, I know
I don't seem to be

A very romantic person.

I'm not looking
for romance, Howard.

Oh.

I'm looking for something
more important than that.

Something stronger.

As the years go by,
romance fades

And something
else takes its place.

Do you know
what that is?

Senility.
Trust!

That's what I meant.

We better talk about this
some other time.

Howard, I want you to make
a good impression

On Mr. Lauralee.

Tell me exactly what you're
going to say to him.

What? Well, I'll probably
say something like,

"hello there, Mr. Lauralee.
I'm Howard. "

You are not.

I'm not Howard.

You are not going to say,
"hi, my name is Howard. "

Anyone can say that--
anyone!

Anyone named Howard.

You are going to walk
straight up to him

And take his hand in a firm
and masculine handshake,

And say, "Mr. Lauralee,
I am Dr. Howard Bannister.

It is a privilege
to meet you, sir. "

Think you can do that?

Yes, I think I can.

Well,
do your best.

Be dignified.

I'll be dignified.

Be solemn,
but not stuffy.

I'll be solemn.

Act friendly,
but impersonal.

I'll act friendly.

Pull the door open.

I'll pull
the door open.

Well, good-bye,
Eunice.

Now, don't be
nervous, Howard.

Just remember,
everything depends on this.

Now, let's see.

Mr. Lauralee,
it's an honor to...

No, that's not it.

It's, um...
What is it?

It's a privilege
to meet you, sir.

Likewise.

Mr. Lauralee, it's
a privilege to meet you.

I'm Dr. Howard
Bannister.

And I'm
your headwaiter Rudy.

Can I show you
to your table, sir?

No, thank you.

I think I'll just
sort of mingle for a while.

Here you are, sir.

Thank you.
I don't drink.

You're upside down,
sir.

I'm upside down.

Oh!

Hello.

Get me the chief.

Oh, he is?

Tell him I got
the documents.

I'm Hugh Simon.

How do you do?

You're upside down.

I know.

And I suppose you have not
read my series of articles

Inthe music monthly.

I haven't.
I'm terribly sorry.

Foolish.
Foolish of you.

You must realize that
it was that series of articles

That helped me to become

One of the two finalists
in contention

For the Lauralee Grant.

Amazingly,
you are the other one.

I can't imagine that
the Lauralee foundation

Will throw
good money away

On a study
of prehistoric rocks.

You're oversimplifying
my thesis, Mr. Simon.

You accuse me
of oversimplifying?

Inever oversimplify.

There is an old Croatian
saying, Balixer--

Bannister.

Uh... Whatever it is.

Oh!

Oh, our host!

Mr. Lauralee?

Mr. Lauralee,
it's a privilege...

I'm Hugh Simon,
Mr. Lauralee.

I would like to say--

I love your hair--

I would like to say
on behalf of myself

And, of course, my colleagues
at the conservatory--

Yes, indeed.
Yes, indeed.

This must be
Mr. --

It's a privilege--

Although
I want you to know,

That I personally have
nothing but contempt

For monetary gain,

The $20,000 will
allow us--me, that is--

To complete
a great body of work,

Which will most
certainly reflect

Un voir énorme.

Very well put, Mr. Simon.
Very well put.

Nothing like a littlevoir,
énorme or otherwise,

But I must point out

That you are only
one of the finalists,

And if I'm not mistaken,
this must be Mr. --

It's a Lauralee--

Believe me,
I understand.

Very understanding
of you, Simon.

Very understanding.

If you don't mind--

Oh!
Oh!

Oh!

I'm sorry.
I'm terribly sorry.

It's all right.

Dr. Bannister.

Mr. Privilege,
it's a Larra--

No, that's not it.

Anyway, it's nice
to see you, sir.

Thank you.
I don't drink.

Neither do I.

You don't?

Well, shall we
sit down, gentlemen--

After you, sir.

Oh, Mr. Lauralee.

Good evening.

Professor mosquito,

This is
Howard Bannister.

Oh,
you're Bannister.

How do you do?

Thank you.

Your fiancée
was just telling us

About your most incredible
adventure in the Sky.

What's this, Bannister?

What incredible
adventure did you have?

What adventure
did I have?

What adventure
did I have?

Oh, you mustn't be modest

About a thing
like that, Bannister.

Simply incredible.

You'll have to tell us
all about it, Bannister.

Come along
to the table, now.

Come along,
Mr. Simon.

Professor Hosquith.

Ah! Good show, Bannister!

Good show!

And this must be
miss burns.

How do you do?

You!

You... You...

... Nice.

Eunice, Howard.
Eunice.

We've almost got
that stammer cured.

Sit down, dear.

How... How...

Howard.

Howard!

He still gets stuck
on names.

It's probably
the excitement

Of meeting you
for the first time.

I must say, I can
feel it myself.

Oh, can you?
Can I?!

My heart is going
a mile a minute.

Why, you can just
feel it pounding.

Can't you feel it?

Yes,
I think I can.

Yes. Absolutely.

It's certainly
in there pounding.

It's amazing.

You should
feel it, gentlemen.

Sit down,
gentlemen, please.

Can I sit next
to you, miss burns?

I wouldn't have it
any other way.

Why don't you sit here
on my right, Bannister?

If you could please move,
Mr. Simon.

But, sir, this is not--
this is definitely not--

I know, Bannister.

This is not
the seating arrangement

According
to the place cards,

But I think
we can break

A few of the minor
social customs.

Sir, I must point out
to you--

I must point out that
foolish consistency

Is the hobgoblin
of little minds.

Emerson!

I beg your pardon,
my dear?

Ralph weld Emerson,
born 1803, died 1882.

You like Emerson?

I adore him.

I adore anyone
who adores Emerson.

And I adore anyone
who adores anyone

Who adores Emerson.
Your turn.

She's a delight, Bannister.
A delight.

And you're a lucky dog.

Admit it!
Admit you're a lucky dog.

I'm a lucky dog,
but--

Miss burns--
may I call you Eunice?

No!

What Howard means
is that

Back where we
come from,

Everyone
calls me Burnsy.

Burnsy. I like that.

Burnsy.

Help.

I presume you
are familiar

With your fiancé's
studies, miss burns?

You presume correctly,
Mr. Simon.

You have read
his thesis?

Read it? I typed it
for him myself.

This is
not Eunice burns.

Then you must share

His inordinate interest
in rocks.

Passionately. You might say
that it was

A rock that
brought us together.

You're not Eunice.

You really expect me
to accept the notion

That neanderthal man

Found a method
of making music

Out of minerals?

I believe I can prove that
actual melodies--

Crude, of course--
but melodies nevertheless,

Based on the diatonic scale,

Similar to the Norse chants,

Really existed as far back
as 7 million B. C.

You can
prove this?

Well,
given the time...

And the money,
of course.

Oh!

But really,
music from rocks.

It so happens, Mr. Simon,

That Howard
has had discussions

With Leonard Bernstein
about the possibility

Of conducting
an avalanche in e flat.

That is
utterly ridiculous.

Where's your sense
of humor, Simon?

She's a gem.

She's a gem, Bannister.
She's unbelievable.

Yes, she is.

What do you mean
you can't find me?

I'm right here.

I'm sorry, miss. I have
no badge in that name.

Well, will you
look again, please?

It's burns.
Eunice burns.

I got the jewels.

Get out of there.
Don't let anyone see you.

Roger.

Fritz.

As you undoubtedly
realize, Mr. Lauralee--

Psst! You have got
to get out of here!

And miss all the good stuff
that's coming?

She will be here
any minute.

That's the good stuff
that's coming.

... The Swiss
composers--

Swiss composers,
Mr. Simon?

That's right,
miss burns.

I don't imagine
that it is a field

That the musical
archaeologists

Would find
particularly rewarding,

But it is
a rich field,

In which my ground-
breaking scholarship

Has cultivated
a rich harvest.

Must have taken
a lot of fertilizer.

We would like
to hear the story

That miss burns was--

Burnsy!

That Burnsy
was telling about--

He's calling
her Burnsy.

What was it,
Bannister?

Some incredible
adventure

You had
on your flight here.

Yes... No!

I'm afraid my Howard
is too modest

To tell you
that story himself,

But it all began
shortly after we passed

The point
of no return.

I think
we just passed it.

And the servo-amplifiers
and directional gyro failed,

And the flux valve
refused to disconnect.

One of the pilots
fainted

From an oversupply
of fear,

And we went
into this power dive.

Howard took his
igneous rocks

Into the cockpit and
selected two of them

With a particularly
high magnetic content,

And set up

An electrically induced
field pattern.

I'm having a nightmare.

What seems to be
the problem?

This lady claims to be
a Eunice burns.

I am nota Eunice burns.

I amthe Eunice burns.

I don't have a badge
for a Eunice burns.

Of course not. Miss burns
is wearing her badge.

She's already gone inside.

That is impossible.

Perhaps you're
at the wrong convention.

This is outrageous.

And just possibly
saving 112 passengers

From a tragic,
fiery death.

Absolutely
incredible.

I find that story
intensely moving.

I find that story
as difficult to swallow

As I do
thispotage en gelée.

How would you
like to swallow

Onesandwich de knuckles.

Psst! I've got to talk
to you privately.

Meet me
under the table.

What?

Oh, my goodness!
There goes my napkin.

So far, so good, huh?

Don't you
understand anything?

Like what?
Like Eunice!

Nope, I don't
understand Eunice.

She will be here
any minute.

You have got to stop
repeating yourself.

I am not
repeating myself.

I am not
repeating myself.

Oh, God,
I'm repeating myself.

Steve, you don't
want to marry Eunice.

I'm not Steve.
I'm Howard!

Neither of you
wants to marry Eunice!

Why do you say that?

You don't want to marry
someone who's going to get

All wrinkled and lined
and flabby.

Everybody gets
wrinkled, lined, and flabby.

By next week?

Hey, what's
going on down here?

You two just can't keep away
from each other, can you?

Oh, we're just talking.

Are you all right,
Mr. Lauralee?

Can I help?

No, I'm fine.
We were just chatting.

What's going on?
Anything wrong?

No, no, no.

Just testing
a theory Howard has

About vocal reverberation
under spinal pressure.

What?

Vocal reverberation
under spinal pressure?

You know.
V-r-u-s-p.

Yes. I think I read
a monograph on that.

Charles,
what kind of wine

Are you serving
at table one?

I'm tell you,
Bannister,

This girl
of yours is fun.

F-u-n. If you
win that Grant,

You can consider it
her victory

As well as your own.
You follow me?

I--I--

I certainly do.

Eunice:
Howard Bannister!

Howard! Howard!

Howard Bannister!

Howard,
tell them who I am!

They're trying
to keep me out!

Who is that dangerously
unbalanced woman?

Howard! Howard!
Tell them who I am.

Tell them who I am!

I insist you tell them
who I am right this minute!

I never saw her before
in my life.

Look. Here she comes now.

Did you get the jewels
out the hotel?

No. I put it
in 1714.

1714?! What kind of
a house detective are you,

You cannot commit
a simple burglary?

I'm ashamed.

Never mind. I will return
the case to her room

While you detain her.

How do I do that?

Use your charm.

Charm.

Use your charm.

What do you want?

Madame,
it is I--fritz.

I suppose you have
come to apologize

For the unbelievable
criminal injustices

Which have been visited
upon me in this place!

The fact is,
miss burns,

That one of our guests
has lost something.

Well, Mr. Fritz,
I fail to see

How it could possibly
be in here

Unless it crawled in
under its own power.

Exactly,
miss burns.

What are you
trying to say?

It's very embarrassing,

But one of our regular guests,
a wealthy eccentric,

Has lost
his pet snake.

Here. Calm yourself!
May I suggest

That you shut yourself
in the bathroom

For a few moments

While I search
your room.

What if
it's in there?

It won't be in there,
miss burns.

Snakes, as you know,
live in mortal fear of...

Tile.

Oh... Yes.

It's all right,
miss burns!

You can come out now!

What more
can they do to me?

Ooh!

Ooh! Ooh!

Ow!

What's the matter,
Steve?

My name is not Steve,
and the matter is,

How am I going to explain
all this to Eunice?

That is
the easiest thing.

Now, look, look.

First you go right down
to her room, right?

You knock
on the door, OK?

She answers the door.

Now, she will
have been crying,

So her eyes will be
all puffy and bloodshot,

And her nose
is all red and running,

But you overlook that.

You put your hand
on her shoulder,

And you stare
purposefully

Into those red-rimmed,
swollen eyes,

And you say,
"Eunice, my dear,

"there's been a terrible
misunderstanding.

"I've behaved
like a cad, a bounder,

"but now I see
everything clearly.

"and I've decided
that Judy and I

Are going to
put you into a home. "

That is not amusing.

Steve, what are you
so upset about?

Tonight was fantastic.

We've got that Lauralee
Grant virtually sewn up.

"we"?

Well, you have to admit
I helped.

After all,
he calls me Burnsy.

But that is not the point!

You're not Burnsy.
Burnsy is Burnsy.

Eunice is Burnsy.
I mean, she isn't Burnsy.

Nobody is Burnsy.

So, what is the point?

The point is...
I've forgotten the point.

The point is that you think
that when Mr. Lauralee

Finds out
that I'm not really Eunice,

He'll think that you tried
to put something over on him

And it's bye-bye
20,000 smackeroos.

Right.
That's the point.

That money would enable me
to establish certain proof

For theories of mine.
Certain theories that...

Must you stand
quite so close?

I'm very nearsighted.

Where was I?

Certain theories.

Right.

That money would enable me

To travel
to the south of France

To examine evidence
of prehistoric art forms

Hundreds of thousands
of years old.

Aurignacian or
upper perigordian?

Well, both actually--

Where do you come up
with those names?

It's just
a wild guess.

I want you
to go away now.

Oh, Steve.
I--I'm sorry.

I only wanted to help.

I know you don't
mean any harm.

You're just...
You're just different.

Thank you.

I know I'm different,
but from now on,

I'm gonna try
to be the same.

The same as what?

Same as people
who aren't different.

Good. Thank you
and good-bye.

Oh, come on, Steve,
give me a Chance.

When you get to know me
better, you'll like me.

I won't like you.
Good-bye.

Let's not
say good-bye.

Let's just say
au revoir.

No. Let's say good-bye.

Enter Mrs.
Van Hoskins' room

Through
the adjoining room.

You will take
the Jewel case

And go straight
to the basement.

What if she
wakes up and sees me?

You will tell her
you are smitten with her,

That you have
followed her all night,

And you will make
passionate love to her.

Couldn't
I just kill her?

No, no.

Ohh...

Oh!

I have...

I have...

These are crazy...

Kinds of things.

hello out there!

Hello.

Must be brain damage.

What?

I believe
you dropped something.

What do you think
you're doing?

I think I'm taking
a bath, aren't I?

If you're not out of here
in two minutes,

I'm calling the police.

Who do you think
they'll arrest?

The girl in the tub

Or the Guy
with his pants down?

I am not joking now.

I do not like
to act rashly,

But you are the last straw
that breaks my camel's back.

You are the plague,

You bring havoc and chaos
to everyone,

But why to me?
Why me? Why?

Because you look cute
in your pajamas, Steve.

Get out!

Right now?

Yes!

No! Wait a minute!

Are you all right?

I don't know.

I think I've broken
several major bones.

Let me see.

Don't help me, please.

Just tell me
where it hurts.

Is it the ilium,
the sacrum, the coccyx?

I hope
it's not your coccyx.

I can't
seem to breathe.

Is it possible
to break a lung?

I think your necktie's
too tight.

There, see?
Now the phone is ringing.

I'll get it.

I can do it.

Hello! Yes.

Eunice who?

Oh, Eunice!

Howard, what's going on
in there?

Oh, nothing much.
I fell down.

Are you hurt?

No. I'm feeling
much better now.

Thank you
for calling, Eunice.

Howard!
I'm coming in there.

I wish you wouldn't
do that, Eunice.

I want to see
if you're all right.

I'm still very angry with you,
but I am concerned.

Do you hear me?

Yes, Eunice.

I think I'll
get dressed now.

Howard,
who was that?

Who was what?

I heard a voice

Say something
about getting dressed.

It's the television set,
Eunice.

There's a move on--
a war movie.

They're getting dressed
for the big battle.

It was
a woman's voice.

Yes, they're
lady soldiers, Eunice.

It's called
the fighting wacs.

You don't have a bathrobe
I can put on, do you, Steve?

I'm coming in!

Well, that's it.

Only one thing
left to do.

What's that?
What, what?

Eunice is coming,
you're here like that,

And I'm going to jump.

Steve!

Good-bye.

Steve, wait!

I don't believe it.
You did it again.

Oh.

Oh.

Excuse me. Are you
with the hotel?

Why?

I would like
the key to 1716.

My fiancé
is in there,

And I believe he
has injured himself.

Sorry, lady.

I'm looking
for something in 1717.

No, see, ordinarily,
I wouldn't even ask,

But I really think
it's an emergency.

I got my orders.
I got to go to 1717.

Howard.

Open this door, Howard.

Howard, I know
you're in there!

Do you hear me?

Howard, open this door
immediately!

Howard?

What's wrong
with the closet?

She'll look
in there.

What kind of a person
is she?

Howard Bannister,
I am talking to you.

Howard, I know
you're in there.

No, I can't! I'm
terrified of heights!

I have acrophobia.

Look! There's a ledge.

I have ledgophobia.

Just until
I can get rid of her.

I can't!

She has
a violent temper!

I can't!

Howard!

She studies karate.

Maybe I can.

Howard!

Howard,
I am counting to 5.

Don't count, Eunice.
I hate it when you count.

1...

2...

3...

4...

5!

Hello, Eunice.
Come on in.

Howard, if you have
betrayed my trust in you--

What's that?

That's a bath, Eunice.

I was going to
take a bath.

Since when have you
taken bubble baths?

It came out of the faucet
that way, Eunice.

Why are your rocks
in the bathroom?

I don't know.

I wish I did,
but I don't.

What are you
looking for, dear?

Howard, you are not
being open with me.

I am being open
with you, Eunice.

I am always open.

It's open!

Good evening. Where
do you want it, ma'am?

Where do I want what?

Roast beef on rye,
mustard on top--

I don't want food!

Room 1716, right?

Well, I'll just
set it up over here.

What's that?

What's what?

I hear knocking.

It's your nerves.

Oh!

Aahh!

Why are you fiddling
with the window?

Too much fresh air, dear.
Very harmful.

Howard, will you
for goodness sake,

Turn off
that television?!

Howard, if you don't
turn that set off,

I am
going to scream!

Youare screaming,
Eunice.

hey, have a heart!

We're trying to get
some sleep down here!

Eunice.

Heh heh!

Pull the plug out.

It's cable.

Pull the cable out.

Aaahh!

Aahh!

Down here.

Yeah! Send
the fire department

To room 1716!

Why, miss burns,
what are you doing

In Mr. Bannister's bedroom?

Don't you know
the meaning of propriety?

Oh!

Hello?

Come in. It's broken.

I mean, it's open.

Good morning.

No, I don't
think so.

I'm Mr. Kaltenborn,

The manger of what's
left of the hotel.

I'm awfully sorry about
this whole mess here.

Usually this
doesn't happen.

Mr. Bannister,

I have a message for you
from the staff of the hotel.

Really? What is it?

Good-bye.

That's
the entire message?

We would appreciate it
if you would check out.

When?

Yesterday.

That soon?

I don't suppose you
have another room

You could
let me use.

Mmm...

No.

Oh, well.

These are my igneous
tambula rocks.

Yes. Of course
they are.

Uh, where were you, uh,
thinking of going now?

Well, my fiancée,
miss sleep,

Is still burning.

Miss burns
is still sleeping.

I thought maybe I would
just sit in the lobby.

Mmm...

No.

I'm--

Well, I'm awfully sorry
about the room.

Oh, that's all right.

We have
lots of others.

That's a nice view.

I must be crazy.

I'm looking out at the view,
and Eunice is going home...

Of all the gin joints

In all the towns
in all the world,

He walks into mine.

Play it, Sam.

I don't, uh...

you must
remember this

C minor, seventh.

Oh.

a kiss

is still a kiss

a sigh

is just a sigh

the fundamental
things apply

as time goes by

That's very good.

and when
two lovers woo

they still say

they still say

I love you
I love you

Yeah.

on that
you can rely

no matter what
the future brings

Ha ha ha!

What's wrong?

The future.

What's the matter
with it?

Well, judging from
the recent past--

Listen, you know
what Edmund burke said--

You can never plan
the future by the past.

I beg your pardon?

I guess you're wondering
what a nice girl like me

Is doing quoting
an 18th century Guy

Like Edmund burke.

I was a political science
major at Colorado state.

Is that where you gathered
information on rocks?

Hey, you've got
a case just like mine.

No. Advanced geology,
Wellesley.

What about the music?

Bennington, musical
appreciation.

Comp. Lit. ,
northwestern university.

Is that it?

Archaeology,
Tuskegee institute.

General semantics,
university of Chicago.

Veterinary medicine,
Texas A & M. Say when.

What were you
trying to become?

A graduate.

Why is that
so important?

It was important
to my father.

He was very upset

When I was asked to leave
my first college.

Asked to leave?
Bounced.

You want to know why?
No.

No. Anyway, he sent me
someplace else after that,

But that didn't
work out either.

None of them did.

Some of it
was very nice.

I read a lot of good books,

I went to
a lot of movies mostly,

But something always
seemed to go wrong.

Yes, I can believe that.

Well, this last time
was not my fault.

What happened?

Nothing, really.

It was just
a little classroom.

It sort of
burned down.

Burned down?

Well,
blew up, actually.

Political activism?

Chemistry major.

Anyway, now I'm really
scared to go home.

So am I.

How do you mean?

Eunice and I
came all the way from Iowa.

The conservatory
got together this fund

So that I could come here
and win this Grant, but--

Hey! I forgot
to give you this letter!

What letter?

It was under your door

When I came back
to your room.

Did you open this?

How else could I
have read it?

Did you... The Grant!
Mr. Lauralee!

Yes, I saw it!

Oh, boy!
The 20,000!

I know, I know.

I've got
to tell Eunice.

Of course you do.

After all, she is--

She is my fiancée.

Of course she is.

She--she deserves
to be the first...

Or at least
the second.

Yeah.

Where was I?

Eunice.

Who's Eunice?

Eunice.

Eunice.

Oh, Eunice,
open the door.

I have some
wonderful news.

I do not want your
apologies, Howard.

I think it is
too late for that.

All right, Eunice.
No apologies.

Have you no heart?

I would think that after
what you have done to me

You would come crawling
for forgiveness.

Oh, Eunice, please let me
read you this letter.

"dear Howard--"

Do you hear that,
Eunice? "Howard. "

Itis your name.

"the committee
and I are agreed

"that barring any
unforeseen circumstances,

"you will be the next recipient
of the Lauralee Grant.

"please join me and my guests
for a luncheon at my house

"around noon, and don't forget
to bring your charming fiancée.

Sincerely, Frederick. "
look, Eunice! "Frederick"!

I fail to see how
he could refer to me

As your "charming fiancée"

When he has never had
the pleasure of meeting me!

Eunice, we can straighten
all that out this afternoon.

Oh, all right,
Howard.

It will take me some
time to get dressed.

You go on without me,
and I will follow

As soon as possible.
The address, please?

888 Russian hill.

And, Eunice, try--

888 Russian hill.

Take it to 459
Dirella Street.

Deliver it to the boys
on the second floor.

459 Dirella Street.

Hi.
It's all settled.

Eunice is going to get
dressed and meet us there.

I really think
it's going to work.

Sure. What
can go wrong?

Please. Don't
you say that.

You just tell
Mr. Lauralee

That Eunice
is really Eunice,

And the Eunice
he thinks is Eunice

Isn't Eunice.

Right. And
what will you say?

About what?

About yourself.

I'll just tell him
I'm a girl

You picked up
in a drugstore--

No, no.
You don't say that.

You...
Don't say anything.

Right. I don't
say anything.

I just sit there
and nod.

Yes. And then this whole
terrible episode will be over.

What about us?

And us--
we'll say good-bye.

It's that simple...
I think.

OK! You go get a taxi.
I'll be out in a minute.

Uh, miss Eunice burns,
please.

Yes?

miss burns?
Uh, this is Sylvia,

Mr. Larrabee's
personal secretary.

There's been a little mix-up
in the invitation

For this afternoon.
Yes?

Yes, the luncheon
has been switched

From Mr. Larrabee's home

To one of the Lauralee
foundation offices.

Oh, but Mr. Bannister
has already gone--

Oh, yes. I managed
to catch Mr. Bannister

On his way out
and tell him.

The address
of the luncheon is--

Do you have
a pencil, darling?

Yes.

459 Dirella Street.

Dirella?

Yeah, second floor.

I see, well,
thank you, miss...

Uh, Louise.

I thought
you said Sylvia.

Uh, yeah. Sylvia-Louise.
You know, with a hyphen?

Excuse me.

Hmm?

Aaahh!

Robbed! All of my jewels!

Help! All my jewels!

Thieves! Robbers!

Thieves!

Uh, you're--you're sure
this is the right address?

459 Dirella Street,
lady.

You don't want me
to wait, do you?

Yes, I do.

I didn't think so.

Hello? Hello?

Uh...

Hello? Hello?

Oh, um...

Um... Is there any...
Hello? Hello?

Um...

Um, this can't be
the Lauralee...

Why, those are Howard's.

What on earth are you doing
with Howard Bannister's rocks?

Thank you very much.

Ahh! There they are--
our two stars.

Congratulations,
Howard.

Thank you,
Mr. Lauralee.

Frederick.

Frederick.
And now I have

Something very important
to tell you.

I want you to come
with me, Burnsy,

And meet my friends.

Wait. Wait.

May I take that,
sir?

Oh, no, thank you.
I'll hold onto it.

I see you're
all dressed up

For our celebration.

What happened,
Wallister?

Bannister.

All of your other
clothes burn up? Hmm?

No, I--I have
to agree with her.

And of course you
remember our Mr. Simon.

Miss burns, isn't it?

Uh, no,
it's, um... Burnsy.

Of course,
of course.

Ladies and gentlemen...
And Mr. Lauralee.

Frederick!

And Mr. Frederick.
What I want to say now--

What he's trying
to say is

How much he appreciates
your wonderful hospitality

And how many times
we'll both think of you

When we're back
in good old Iowa.

What compelling
sentiments. Ppfft!

Did anyone
ever tell you

That you were
very, very sexy?

Well, actually, no.

They never will.

I myself have a little
announcement to make

That may be
of some interest.

My natural curiosity
was aroused,

And so I did
a little research

On Mr. Bankister
and miss burns,

And I think--

I think it can wait

Until Howard has given us
a little recital

On those famous--
on those famous rocks of his.

Um, how about it,
Howard?

Oh, all right.

Um, for those of you unfamiliar
with Dr. Bannister's theory

Of percussional and prehistoric
and rhythmical communication,

Let me, uh,
try to point out...

What's the matter?

I think--

Is something
the matter?

Wrong case.

Identical traveling cases.
Sweet, isn't it?

Man: Excuse me,
Mr. Lauralee,

I wanted to ask you...

So, what were you
saying about, um...

I think a slight mistake
has been made somewhere.

The slight mistake,
mesdames and messieurs,

Is in the so-called
identity

Of these alleged
colleagues.

I don't know
who he is,

But she is definitely
not herself.

What are you
babbling about?

Nobody move!
Get over there!

I want that case.

Which one?

What?

Which one?

Either one! Just
slide it over here!

Don't move!

Get away
from that case.

This is inexcusable.

You can't come in here
uninvited.

Stand back,
all of you!

All I want is

That one...
And that one...

Maybe that one.

Throw that up here!

Howard!

Howard! Howard!
They've got your rocks!

Don't nobody
do nothing!

Throw down the case
and the gun.

For God's sake,
don't shoot me!

I'm part Italian.

Bottle it!

Don't kick those rocks,
you philistine.

Shut up!

Don't you dare
strike

That brave,
unbalanced woman!

Mister?

YouSchweinhund!

Aah!

Grab his leg!

Aah! Uhh! Uhh!

Aah!

Give me that!
Give me that!

Uhh!

Hi. Having fun?

I can't find my rocks.

Let's grab the cases.

Which ones?
All of them.

Uhh!

Get--get--OK!
No! No! No!

How many cases
are there?

Maybe four of them.

Well,
I've got three.

Give me one.

Wait a minute!
Wait a minute!

In here!
Stick 'em in here.

OK. How are
your legs?

My legs?

Never mind! Push!

Hey!

Come on!

What?

Get on!

Oh!

Come on, Steve!
You can do it!

My name is Howard.

Whoa!

Whoo!

We're gonna lose 'em
if you don't hurry up!

Shut up, all of you!

Follow that cab!

I'm with the government!

Oh. All right.

Here they come!

Hang on!

Ohh!

Come on, Harry!
Keep going!

Yeah, yeah, yeah!

Oh!

Uh-oh!

Step coming up.

You're in my way!
I can't see!

Oh, no!

What is it?
Don't ask.

Oh, no.

Oh, no.
Aah!

Aah!

Put on the brakes.
I am!

No!

Aah!

Where are we?
I can't see.

Well, there's not
much to see, actually.

We're inside
a Chinese dragon.

Let's go.

Oh! Run!

Wait a minute!
Wait a minute!

I know where
the alley comes out!

Come on!

All right, let's go.

Oh! I got an idea.

What?

Follow me.

What's the idea?

Stick with me, kid.

Thank you
very much.

This is a terrible
thing we're doing.

Wait, wait. You're
gonna love it.

I'm sorry.
We'll be right back.

What are you doing?
This is a one-way street!

We're only going
one way.

Aaahh!

Aaahh!
Look out!

Iam looking out!

Oh, no!

What are you doing?

Driving!
I know that!

It's not time!
What?

What does
this thing do?

Oh, let me do it,
for Pete's sake!

Look out for that!|

Will you
turn off those things?

Oh.

That's the radio.

Oh.

How are we doing?
Ohh...

Aah! Here they come!
Turn here!

OK! I'm turning!

Hey, look at that!
Go up there.

What?! No!

Yes!

Duck!

Now what?

Back up.

I knew you'd say that.

Where are they?

Mr. Lauralee,
will you--

Frederick. Frederick.

Will you help?

Yes, I will.
Who are you?

I am Eunice burns.

Who cares who she is?
We're going to be killed!

We'll all be killed!
Ohh!

I think we lost them.

Would you turn
the radio off, please?

Oh, sure.

I think I'd better turn
down there and just be sure.

Sorry.

Waah!

Aaahh!

Ohhh... They're
gaining on us.

I think there's
a good road right down there.

OK.

I can't see
where we're going.

Here, let me
clean your glasses.

Now I really can't see!

Judy, I can't see.

Here. Aah!

Oh, God, I can see.

They're headed
for the ferry.

Follow 'em!
OK!

We can make it!
No!

We can make it.

Ohh!

I don't think

We can make it.

Where are they going?

Aah!

Help!

I mean...
No! I'll help you.

Why did I--

Look at them.

A foul and depraved
looking lot, bailiff.

Those are just
the spectators, your honor.

Of course. I...

Well, get on with it.

Hear ye! Hear ye!

... 30th of July, 1972,

His honorable magistrate
Robert p. Maxwell presiding.

Sit down.

Now, I don't want
any noise tonight.

I don't want
any disturbances

Or demonstrations
of any kind.

I want peace and calm
and order.

If there is any nonsense
of any sort,

I will be merciless.
Merciless!

Is that clearly understood?

Do you think they
understood that, bailiff?

Yes, sir.
I'm sure they did.

Well, let's get tonight's
horror show on the road.

Ah-choo!

Is your honor
feeling all right?

No, my honor is not
feeling all right.

My head is pounding.
My metabolism

Has practically
ceased to function,

And my nerves
are completely shot.

That's too bad, sir.

Do you have any idea
what it's like

To sit here
night after night

And watch
this endless parade

Of human debris
floating by?

Yes, sir.
Of course I have.

Oh, no, you don't.

You don't have to
make up your mind

Whether to put them away
in some ghastly hellhole

Or turn 'em all loose

To commit some
other hideous offense.

I'd like to send
every one of them

To an island somewhere
wrapped in heavy chains.

Do you know
why I don't, bailiff?

Why, judge?

Compassion.

I just have
too much compassion.

That's why I'm a wreck.

You see
this yellow pill?

Yes, sir.

You know what it's for?

What, judge?

To remind me
to take this blue pill.

What's the blue one for,
judge?

I don't know.

They're afraid
to tell me.

Your honor, I think
it'll be pretty quiet tonight.

Eunice: That was deliberate.
You just have no--

No right pushing.
I don't care...

I was framed!
I was framed!

Silence!

Silence! Silence!
Shut up! Shut up!

Shut up...
Everyone!

Now, if there are any further
outbursts of this nature,

I'm gonna give somebody
orders to shoot to kill.

Ah, you made me
smash my lifesavers.

Now, we're gonna
get this story

Calmly and clearly.

First of all,
just what the devil are these?

My rocks.
My jewelry.

Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.

Whom do these cases
belong to?

I want my bike back.

I'll give your bike back.

I'll give you a broken back
if you don't be quiet.

officer.

What are these people
being charged with?

Well, that's kinda hard
to say, judge.

Give it a shot.

Well, sir, we picked
some of them

Out of San Francisco bay.

Entering the country
illegally?

No, sir.
They drove in.

The country?

Into the bay.

Oh, that's better.

Unauthorized use
of public waters.

Mostly in stolen cars.

Oh, ho! That's
grand larceny.

Then there was
a shooting.

That's assault
with a deadly weapon.

They broke
into my home.

That's breaking
and entering.

And they brought her
with them forcibly.

That's kidnapping.

They tried
to molest me.

That's...

Unbelievable.

Your honor,
I can clear all this up

In 10 seconds.

You do, and
you'll get a prize.

May I
approach the bench?

Yes. Watch him
like a hawk.

As you can see,
I represent our government.

God bless it!

Oh, shut up!
Go on.

Your honor,
I've been following

This person's movements
for quite some time,

And I can prove that he is
in unauthorized possession

Of secret government...

Underwear.

Underwear?!

Get the court
psychiatrist.

Watch out! Those
might be my rocks!

Tell 'em to bring
straitjackets.

The people have
a right to know!

In assorted sizes.

Order!

order!

Order in the court!

Order in the court!

Everyone, be quiet!

Everyone, be quiet!
Silence!

Silence!
You, too!

Me, too.

Now, this is
a court of law--

My court of law.

It may not look
like much to you,

But it's all I've got.

Ordinarily, I would
threaten you with contempt.

But in this case,

And I think the supreme court'll
back me up,

I am seriously considering
setting up a torture chamber!

Now... I want this
whole ridiculous story

Told by one person.

Is there anybody here
think they can handle it?

All right.

And while he's telling it,

The rest of you keep whips,
red-hot irons

In the back
of your minds.

Well, sir, my name
is Howard Bannister,

And I'm from Ames, Iowa.

No excuse.

No, sir, but
it all started

When I bumped my head
in a taxi cab

On the way in
from the airport.

Are you pleading
insanity or amnesia?

Neither, sir. But when
I went to the drugstore

To get something
for a headache,

The druggist tried
to charge me for a radio

Because she said her husband
would pay for it.

But I didn't,
of course.

Of course.

Anyway, she ripped
my jacket,

And when Eunice
came along--

Wh-who's Eunice?

Well, Eunice
is my fiancée.

You have a wife
and a fiancée?

No, sir. But, uh, she
kept calling me Steve.

Your own fiancée
calls you Steve?

No, sir, my wife,

Or rather the one
who isn't my wife.

Well, what does the one
who isn't your fiancée

Call you? Howard?

No, sir. The one
who isn't my fiancée

Doesn't call me Howard,

And the one who isn't my wife
doesn't call me Howard,

Because the one
who isn't my fiancée

Is also the one
who isn't my wife.

The other one
who isn't my wife,

The one whois
my fiancée,

She doesn't
call me Steve.

She calls me Howard.
Do you see?

Let's just skip over
this part and move on.

Well, anyway, that night
at the banquet,

She was there again.

Who was there,
your wife or your fiancée?

Neither.

There's a third?

No, sir. The one
who isn't either.

Everyone was
calling her Burnsy.

Why?

That's short for burns.

That's Eunice’s
last name.

So Eunicewas there.

No, sir.
Burnsy was there,

Or rather, the one
who isn't Burnsy.

I think I want to skip
over this part, too.

Well, that night,
I went back to my room,

And she was there
taking a bath.

Who was there?

No, no. Don't tell me.
Just go on.

Well, when Eunice
walked in

And the drapes
caught fire

And everything burned,

They asked me
to leave the hotel.

I don't blame them.

Good boy. Is there more?

Oh, sure.
There's more.

Well, the next day...

Today... Mr. Lauralee
asked me to come

To his house
with my rocks

And to bring Eunice,
or rather, Burnsy--

The one
he thinks is Eunice.

Is that clear?

No, but it's consistent.

Shall I go back over it?

Oh, no.
Please, I beg you,

Don't. No.
Just--just go on.

Well, it gets kind of
complicated now.

First there was trouble
between me and Hugh.

You and me?

No, not you. Hugh.

I am Hugh.

You are me?

No. I am Hugh.

Stop saying that.

Make him stop saying that.

Don't touch me.
I'm a doctor.

Of what?
Music.

Can you fix a hi-fi?
No, sir.

Then shut up!
Well, anyway,

He came in and
tried to get my case,

And then he came in and
tried to get his case,

And then they came in and
tried to get all the cases,

And then
the shooting started.

They forced me
to come with 'em.

I was out in the car
the whole time!

You little fink!

Silence. Silence!

Silence! Order!

Now, this is
my last warning!

I intend to get to the bottom

Of this web of deceit
and confusion

If it takes me
the rest of my life,

Which may end
at any minute.

Now, you--
you in the blanket.

You seemed
to have caused all this.

Exactly what have you
got to say for yourself?

Judy?

Hello, daddy.

You got your rocks back.

You got
your things back.

Going somewhere?

Back to school.

Another one?

Sure.

According to the 1970
enrollment study,

There are 1,145 institutions
of higher education,

So, uh, I've got
quite a few to go.

Hey, look at that.

Could you
give me information

About flights
to Rio de Janeiro?

Yes.

It wasn't all
so bad, was it?

I mean, of course,
it was terrible

That they took
the Grant away.

Well, they had to do that.
The Lauralee foundation

Just isn't used to having
to bail its founder out of jail.

There are a lot of
other grants, you know.

I was reading just
the other day about a--

Oh, Judy, I wish you
wouldn't tell me about it.

You see,
you have this way

Of making everything
sound reasonable,

And then rooms
begin to burn.

People start
to chase people.

Hey, look at that.

Well, I guess
I owe you 20,000 bucks.

Don't be silly.

Listen, if I paid
you off at $10 a week,

We'd be even in, um...

38 years
and 5 1/2 months.

You did that fast.

New math. Mount Holyoke.

Miss Maxwell.

Hello, young man.

Mrs. Van Hoskins.

Now, miss Maxwell,
as you may know,

There was
a $20,000 reward

For the return
of my jewels.

20,000?!
Now, I paid

For the damage
done to your room.

That was $2,800.

And then that little car
you were in,

That was $2,400.

And of course,
the two other cars.

Let me see.
That was $3,400

For the taxi
and, uh...

Oh, I guess I'd better
have my, uh...

My little list,
Michael.

Oh, yes, of course.

$2,600 for the other.

Now, the pane of glass
you broke was $1,600,

Damages
to a costume store,

A restaurant,
a delivery cart,

And, oh, goodness me,
a Chinese dragon--

$3,850.

One canopy--$2,300,

And $1,000
in court costs,

Making a grand total
of $19,950,

Leaving $50 to be split
between, uh, you two

And the cabdriver

And that dear little
old man and, of course,

The, uh, gentleman
from the government.

And there you are,
my dear.

And God bless you.

Michael.

hey,
that leaves only

38 years, 5 months,
and 1 week to go.

See, sometimes
it's kind of fun.

I know, but...

Don't tell me. You need
peace and quiet.

That's right.

You'll miss me.

I know that, too.

Well...

Well...

Eunice: Howard!
Howard Bannister.

We, um, have come
to see Mr. Simon off.

No hard feelings,
eh, Bannister?

C'est la vie.

C'est la guerre.

C'est la dreck.

Well, I'll be
catching my plane now,

So it will be
arrivederci to all.

Well, don't forget
this, Simon.

What? Ah! The check.
Would you care to have

Just a look at that
there, Bannister?

That's very nice.

Eunice: You deserved it,
Howard, you really did.

Oh, I suppose there
are some who think

There's some merit
in the study

Of prehistoric
mineral tappings,

But I think
the Hugh Simon theory

Of Swiss scale patterns

Will stand
the test of time.

Just what is
that theory, Mr. Simon?

Oh, I doubt
that you're qualified

To understand it,
miss Maxwell, but briefly,

The Simon theory
runs of the notion

That the 16th-
and 17th-century

Swiss composers

Developed a unitronic
scale pattern

Based upon
the uniform intervals

Utilized in
the mountaineer yodel.

You developed
this theory?

Are you wondering?

That should come as some shock
to professor Findelmyer.

What are you
talking about?

You know what I mean.
The Findelmyer proposition.

I don't know
what you mean.

Sure, you do.

I don't know what
you're talking about.

Besides, that's
never been translated.

Just once--1925 Harvard press
musicological review.

It's probably
out of print now, but I--

Of course!

Professor
Heydrich Findelmyer,

The university of Zurich,
1911.

The controversial
Findelmyer proposition.

No wonder it sounded
so familiar.

I'm sorry, Simon.

This is unspeakable!

Simon,
you're a plagiarist,

And what's worse,
you're a bad loser,

And you're nasty.
I don't like you,

And I want you
to go away.

Um, Howard, the foundation
will make out a new check

And send it on to you
at the conservatory.

Thank you,
Mr. Lauralee.

Frederick.

Um, Howard, I've asked
Eunice to stay on with me

For a few days.

In separate quarters,
of course.

Of course.

We've shared
a great deal

In the past day
or so,

And I think
perhaps...

Well, you know
what I mean.

Eunice: Well, good-bye,
Howard. You'd better hurry,

Or you'll miss
your plane.

Come, Frederick.
Now, it is 12:05,

And the lecture starts
promptly at 1:00.

Well, Judy,
I gue--

Judy?

Judy.

Huh? What? No, no.
I'm a transfer student.

No. Not the university.

The conservatory
of music.

It's in Ames.
You've never heard of it?

Well, it's a small conservatory,
but there are those who love it.

There's a professor there whom
I hope to be studying with,

A--a brilliant man.
Dr. Howard Bannister?

No, Bannister,
as in "sliding down the. "

You--you
have heard of him?

Yeah, that's right!
The nut with the rocks.

What's up, doc?

Did you happen to know
that I... Love you?

Yeah.

You did? Do?

Listen, kiddo, you can't
fight a tidal wave.

About those things I said,

I mean, the way I acted
back there--I'm sorry.

Let me tell you
something.

Love means never having
to say you're sorry.

That's the dumbest thing
I ever heard.

Cartoon:
we really mean it

what's

up

doc?

Th-th-th-that's all, folks.

Steve, there's something
I gotta tell you.

What is it, Judy?

Well... Um...

you're the top

I am?

you're Waldorf salad

Oh, no.
Let me say it.

you're the top

Me, too?

That's right.

you're a Berlin ballad

Oh, that's nice.

you're
the nimble tread

of the feet
of Fred Astaire

Actually,
I don't dance very well.

you are
an O'Neill drama

you'rewhistler's mother

Mama.

Sorry.

you're camembert

Camembert?
Well, let's see.

you're a Rose

Ohh, that is sweet.

you're
inferno's Dante

That's a very intellectual
reference.

you're the nose

Watch it.

I mean--
what? What?

Well...
Well, what?

on the great Durante

Oh, that's better.

I'm a lazy lout

who is just about
to stop

Let's not stop.

but if, baby,
I'm the bottom

she's the one for me

and I've got him

'cause if, baby,
I'm the bottom...

You're the top.