All language subtitles for Rollerbabies (1976)

["Toccata and Fugue in D Minor" by Bach]

In the not too distant future,

sex will be illegal.

The exact time is unimportant.

Suffice it to say,
several generations hence.

In this world of the future,
overpopulation had taken its toll.

A drastic drop in the birthrate became
necessary for the world's survival,

but all the mediate forms of birth control
that technology had given

to society had proven,
in the final analysis,

miserably ineffective.

Even surgical sterilization procedures
were deemed untrustworthy

due to incompetence
among medical professionals.

At least, this was the case
in the United States.

And so, the government stepped in
with the only acceptable solution:

mass suppression of the human sex drive
by compulsory administration

of a chemical sex suppressant.

Heterosexual intercourse was outlawed.

Just as intercourse became a felony,
oral sex became a misdemeanor,

because in the eyes of the government,

it could lead to intercourse.

Masturbation became
the most desirable sexual activity

of all on those monthly occasions

when the population demanded
some form of sexual release.

Technology had succeeded
in suppressing the sex drive,

not eliminating it.

Thus, pornography in all its forms
became not only legal,

not only respectable, but
a multimillion-dollar industry

subsidized by the government.
The Library of Congress amassed

the world's largest collection
of erotica.

The Department of Health,
Education, and Welfare issued

civil service exams
to pornographic film producers.

Al Goldstein,

in vigorous good health at age 83,
was appointed as a cabinet officer.

Those who remembered
what intercourse was like

when it was still legal swelled
the endless waiting list for
licensing by the FEC,

the Federal Exhibitionism Commission,

known to its intimates as FEC.

Those licensed were legally permitted
to engage in sex

only as performers.

Our story involves the sex stars
of the not-too-distant future,

men and women like the handsome
young man from lowa, named

Jonathan Z, and the girl
of his wet dreams,

the beautiful
and double-jointed Taffy Pull,

and how their world was changed
inexorably when television

producer Sherman Frobish
skated into their lives.

["Toccata and Fugue in D Minor" by Bach]

In the not too distant future,
sex will be illegal,

but there will be rollerbabies.

This is their story.

[upbeat organ music]

[phone rings with beeps]

6969.

Who's calling?

Oh, Mr. Smith,
can you hold on a minute, please?

Mr. Smith from the television station
wants to talk to you.

-Are you in?
-In? In?

What the hell do you think I am?
An anteater?

No, I mean to Smith.

Tell him I'm out to lunch.

I'm sorry, sir.

He's eating at the moment.

Yes, Sir.

He won't wait.

All right.

Hello?

Yes, Sir.

Of course, sir.

Yes, sir.
I know what you always say,

"Let's put the X back in WSEX."

Yes, sir. Thank you. Goodbye.

Prick.

What does he want?

The usual.

Got to have more imaginative acts
on the Fuck and Suck show,

remember the competition,
blah, blah, blah.

He also said that the widow
of the female impersonator

with the horse is going to sue.

You remember.

The one that did the impression
of Catherine the Great.

Oh, yeah.

[gags]

Jesus, Alice.

You got to be more careful.

I know.

I can't do anything with
that camera staring at us.

Are you sure they can't see us?

I told you,
Professor Rochsov fixed everything.

You see the attachment on that lens?

It's called the masker.

It distorts the image they're supposed
to see at headquarters.

You know what they're seeing right now?

You sitting behind a desk in front
of a voice transcriber recording a letter.

As far as they're concerned,
this is a normal, everyday office.

I don't know how Rochsov does it,
but he does it.

Watch this.

Hey, you at the Federal Bureau
of Sex Impulse Suppression,

bite my schwanz, motherfuckers.

Some invention.

Cut it out, Sherman.

Will you stop being so schitzy?

I told you, they can't see us.

Besides, they see millions
of guys every day

with their flutes in their hands.

That's okay by them, just as long as
nobody's S-C-R-E-W-I-N-G screwing.

That's a no-no.

What a fucked up country.

The law is the law.

I don't know what's happening with me.

I used to masturbate for years,
and years, and years,

and all I ever get is a tingle.

Since I've been working for you,

I've been coming, and coming, and coming.

I don't know.
Maybe it's these new lollipops.

Could be.

[phone rings with beeps]

6969, Frobish's Television.

Who's calling?

Mr. Vito, hold on a moment, please.

-Vito who?
-Just Vito.

Oh, that Vito.

I owe him a repayment on a loan.

Tell him he'll have a check
at the end of the month.

Mr. Vito, sir, you'll have a check at
the end of the month.

Yes, sir. Yes. Goodbye.

How much do you owe him?

Million and a half.

What was the message?

Just remember what happened
to Sydney's kidneys.

[phone rings with beeps]
You don't have that type of money.

6969.

Yes, of course.
Send her up.

Miss Hope Chest to see you.

That's the niece of a friend of mine.

Come on, let's get organized.

Listen, go on.

Go out to your desk

and let's make like we're running
a legitimate office here.

Hope, you sure about this?

Of course I am, Mr. Frobish.

Uncle Jack said you could help me.

You realize, Hope, that a sex performer
has to be licensed by FEC.

Yes, that's my problem.

I can't get a job unless I have a license,
but I can't apply for a license unless

I know I have a job.

Please say you'll take me on.

Personally, I like to be on top.

Oh, never mind.

Look, Hope, are you sure you're cut out
for this sort of work?

Boy, was that a stupid question.

What I mean is, you hardly know
anything about sex.

You're still a virgin, aren't you?

Of course I am.
Do I look like a common criminal?

Of course not.
No offense intended.

You might as well find out
what you're getting into.

Where are you going?

Not me, us.

We are going to my club.

-Nightclub?
-Yes.

-Oh, good.
-I've got to change into my tux.

We're taping next week's show over there.

Let's go.

You're going to find out just
what it takes to be a sex star.

[uptempo rock music]

Uncle Jack never told me that
you owned The Hungry Sphincter.

I've heard a lot about this place.

[uptempo rock music]

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.

Welcome to the Fuck and Suck show,
a carnal cornucopia

coming to you from The Hungry Sphincter,
in New York City,

courtesy of PBS,
the Pornographic Broadcasting System.

I'm Austin Rod, your host for
this evening's attraction of stellar sex,

urging you to sit back and
relax in the privacy of your cubicle.

Please, feel free to do it with both hands
so that you can't change the channel.

Tonight, we're presenting
America's biggest sex stars,

Jonathan Z and Taffy Pull.
[applause]

Direct from the Denmark ballet,

Cesar Shorthairs and Hedonistic,

performing their famous body [indistinct]
from the Nut Sucker suite.

Also, we have tonight

America's favorite erotic comedienne,
Lilian Lustbutton,

ventriloquist Sefior Cojones
and his talking cock,

Patty Cakes and her all-girl orchestra,

and many many more.

Please stay tuned.

We'll be right back.

[applause]

Sefior Cojones and his talking cock?

Everybody has a gimmick.

Well, who thought of that one?

Me.

Oh.

I don't mean to tell you how to run
your business or anything,

but what could possibly be erotic
about a ventriloquist?

Now you see why I brought you here.

Look, you want to make it in this business,
kid, you got to have a gimmick.

Did you ever hear of Linda Lovelace?

I took a porn history course in college.

Well, then, you know what she did. Right?

Simple, basic. She sucked a good cock.

Nobody had ever seen anybody
suck a cock like she did

on a screen before.

It was different.

It was a gimmick.

Pretty soon,
this Linda Lovemore came along.

What happened to the original?
In the toilet.

She never came up with a better gimmick.

Look, let's call a spade a spade.

You've seen one cunt,
you've seen them all.

It's the same with cocks.

Look, some are bigger than others.

You blow them up on a movie screen,
they all look big.

It gets boring after a while,

SO you got to come up
with different things,

keep topping yourself.

When porno started surfacing
in the 1970s,

pretty soon, you had chicks singing
while they sucked cock.

Handsome guy with tattoos all over
his body got a lot of attention.

Tell me, what could possibly be erotic
about some stupid broad

who sprays Jergens lotion
from her cunt 200 feet?

Nothing, in and of itself,
but that's the whole point.

Pretty soon, it's not whether
or not something's a turn-on,

but whether it's different.

In other words,
the novelty itself becomes erotic,

SO you got to have a gimmick.

The scene you have just witnessed
contains redeeming

social significance.

[background conversation]

[dramatic orchestral music]

Now, ladies and gentlemen,
the stars of our show,

America's favorite sex performers,

Jonathan Z and Taffy Pull.

[applause]
[dramatic music]

Watch them,
they're terrific.

Wait a minute,

I forgot to take my suppressants today.

I don't have any with me.

Have one of mine.

[dramatic music]

Thank you.

There's a laser operation to sterilize
the sex drives that's foolproof.

Why can't they give that to everybody?

It's a lot better than having to take
those lousy pills every day.

I know.

They say it's because the laser operation
will be too expensive

to give to everybody,
but I don't believe that.

I think those laws were made
by the last surviving Puritan

on the face of the earth.

Maybe.

Are you sure you gave me the right pills?

I feel funny.

[tense rock music]

Shermy, I feel different.

I like it.

I feel mellow.

Oh?

Feel all sort of luded-like.

You know something, Shermy?

This club is beginning to bore me.

Why don't we go somewhere else

and find something better to do?

Got any suggestions?

Yes, lots of suggestions.

Come on, Shermy.
Let's go now.

I wanted you to see this other act
that's coming on next, Sefior Cojones

and his Talking Cock.

Oh, I can't wait, Shermy.

Let's go now.

Come on, Shermy.

All right.

If you insist.

[applause]

-Oh, Shermy, where are we going?
-Someplace private.

For God's sakes, would you please
stop calling me Shermy?

Shermy.

[intense music]

[moaning]

[applause]

[whistling]
[applause]

I still don't understand why
you wanted to stop off at the store first.

You'll see.

You said I have to have a gimmick, right?

Take off your clothes.

[dramatic music]

Well, it's been done before,
but who gives a fuck?

[trippy guitar music]

I never tasted a cock so delicious.

[moans]

[psychedelic rock music]

Pistachio is my favorite.

[moans]

I can't believe this.

Oh.

-I can't believe this.
-Cum in my mouth.

Put your cock -- your green cock.
[chuckles]

Oh, yes.

[moans]
Oh, you're good.

[moans]
So fucking good.

[moans]

[moans]

[psychedelic rock music]

Wow.

For a virgin,
you got some great moves, kid.

Well, it helps if you've grown up
watching porn films.

It's great for learning technique.

Yes, many marriages and relationships

have been saved by the educational
benefits of explicit
pictorial pornography.

Many relationships built on trust,

deep personal commitment,
open communication,

and true love still founder because
of lack of communication

in the conjugal bed.

[phone rings with beeps]

Frobish here.

-Yes, Alice.
-Who's Alice?

My secretary.

Yes.

Who?

Fuller who?

The commissioner of the FEC?

Suffering space whore.
Sure, of course.

Tell him I'll be there in a half an hour.

Look, I got to lift off.

Can you find a way out of here?

Hey, wait a minute.

Look, I'll glom you later.

I'm in a hurry.

What about me?

You lousy, no dick motherfucker,
you promised to make me into a star.

Keep practicing.

And so, Sherman Frobish came
to the office

of the Federal Exhibitionism Commission
at my express invitation.

What he did not know
is that his life of success,

glamour, and illicit sex was about
to take a turn for the worse.

[louder and more annoyed]
What he did not know
is that his life of success,

glamour, and illicit sex
was about to take a turn for the worse.

About to take a turn for the worse,
goddamn it!

[rhythmic knocking]

That must be Frobish now.

Coming!

-Ah, Mr. Frobish.
-Yes, sir.

Mr. Frobish, I just want you to know
that we at FEC deeply appreciate

your fine efforts

in making the Fuck and Suck show
such a strong hit

in the past.

Now, there's a new competitive sex network

that wants to steal our audience.

We're in trouble.

The affiliates of the entire network,
very much in trouble.

KUNT in Los Angeles may fold soon
due to lack of funds.

WHOR in Chicago is under attack
by Mayor Daley.

We're in trouble, son.

The public wants alternative
sex programming.

Please, sir, get to the point.

In the last year, Frobish,
the ratings of the Fuck and Suck show

were, to [chuckles]
put it bluntly, slipping.

Though it pains me deeply
to have to say it,

after six more presentations,
your program will be canceled.

I asked you here because I thought
you might want to hear this personally,

right from the top.

I'm terribly sorry, Frobish.

Thank you, sir.

Of course, there's no hurry, but my son,

Bull is coming in as the producer
of the program,

which is going to replace yours,

so [chuckles]

you won't be needing the key
to the PBS executive washroom.

[chuckles] Thank you.

Now, if there's nothing else --

Maybe there's an opening on
the new schedule?

Perhaps I could do a pilot that
you could look at.

No. No, no, son. I'm sorry.

We need younger men,
like my son, Bull. Bull Shyte.

Fine boy.

He just graduated Northwestern University.

Younger?

Oh, look at it this way, Frobish.

Could be worse.

Fifty years ago, you might've had a wife
and family to worry about.

Sure, sure.

What have I got to worry about?

Just payments on a dual-room office,

one of only three of its kind in the city,

and a Class A luxury cubicle.

How can I go back to a Class D flat now?

I'm young, but not that young.

I've got so much.
Too soon.

Roommate....

How could I give all it up now?

I've got bills to pay.
[cries]

Oh, my God.

No.

Oh, come, come now, my boy.

I'm sure you'll work everything out.

If there's anything you need,
just call my secretary.

Let's have lunch together real soon.

[laughs]

Goodbye.

[sobs]

And so, Sherman Frobish turned
to the one man he knew

could help him,

Dr. Irving Rochsov, the noted inventor.

They say that behind
each great man is a good woman.

Not so in Sherman Frobish's case.

Oh, he had a great many good women,

but they were mostly under him,
not behind him.

No.

Behind him and all his accomplishments
stood the man,

Professor Rochsov.

Professor Rochsov, how are you?

Sherman, my boy,
it's good to see you.

You're here to give me
my latest assignment?

Hey, tell me,
those sex suppressants I gave you,

they're working?

Tell me how effective they were with
all those fancy-schmancy girls

that you got.

Would you stop for a minute?
You're making me dizzy.

Listen to me.

I got some bad news for you.

What? What happened?

I'm going to have to let you go.

Don't talk to me.

One of those girls,
she got sick from the stimulant?

Now maybe she wants to sue?

-Don't talk to me, I don't want to know --
-No, no, it's nothing like that.

Look, it's just that in a little while,
I might not be able to afford you.

That's all.

Look, for a while, I was riding high,
big man on television,

all that glip.

[crosstalk]
They're canceling the TV show?

That's right, my TV show. In the toilet.

They call me into the office today
to tell me six more weeks

and then the Fuck and Suck show
is kaput.

Don't worry,

I'll buy you out of your contract
with me somehow,

but we're going to have to close down
this laboratory right away.

There's nothing I can do?

I don't see how,

unless you could invent me
another TV show overnight.

[indistinct mumbling]

I should be able to come up
with something.

After all, didn't I make for you
the masker so you can
stroke your brains out,

nobody sees you?

Didn't I make for you the stimulant
pills that modifies completely

the sex suppressant stuff
they make us take?

Which worked, by the way, my boy.

You're not kidding they work.

Gave one to my friend's niece
the other day,

she nearly raped me in front
of half the FBSIS at my club.

Hey, wait a minute.

What about if we go into business
selling those things

after my show folds?

For what?

People feel bad enough now that
they have to diddle their fiddle

at least once a month
and not have an old-fashioned fuck.

You want that you should increase
the desire and make them feel worse?

Besides, on the black market,
you don't know how to sell.

How about if we market the masker?

What's the matter with you, boy? Huh?

In your head, you got matzah?

For you, all right, but for everybody?

[scoffs]

Federal offense
you're talking now, my boy.

Better you shouldn't even think.

I might have something for you.

I didn't want I should have to tell
to you,

but if you want a new way to bring
in the shekels, I have just what you need.

Holy shit.

Got a lunatic working for me.

Why? Why?

What could you possibly need
a dead body for?

Dead?

Who said anything about dead?

Don't worry, calm down. Relax.

She's my android.

Your aunt who?

No, no, no, no.

You don't understand.

Look at her. She's beautiful.

She's got everything.

She's got eyes, lips, breast,
and even...you know.

I can see, but what do I care about it?

Hey, wait a minute.

Oh, you mean like an inflatable doll?

Only it moves.

No, go on.

It won't sell.

I mean, who wants to stick his schwanz
into a piece of machinery?

What's the matter?
You never read Penthouse?

What?

Magazine when I was a kid.

Sex letters.

Yes, but you got it all wrong.

I never said robot.

I said android.

She's made from chemicals.
She's got everything a real woman's got,

even internal organs made
from organic materials.

You should watch this here.

Oh, boy.

I'm going to do something
you've never seen before.

[moans]

Sherman, meet Sharon 69.

Pleased to meet you, Mr. Sherman,

I'm sure.

697

There were 68 other models
in the Sharon series.

You know what they say.

If at first you don't succeed,

go out and try --

Try her?

You mean --

Yes, why not?

Sharon, show Mr. Sherman
what you can do,

what I made for you.

[dramatic music]

[moans]

[intense music]

[moans]

[intense music]
[moans]

Oh, my God.

[moans] Oh, God.

[moans] God.

[moans]

[moody music]

Professor, you got a towel?

No, you don't need one.

The lubricant has a special compound
that dries on contact with the [?].

What do you think, my boy?

Not bad.

Not bad at all.

Yes, but like I said,
it's still got a few bugs in it.

I got to make pee-pee.

It talks. Yes, I noticed.

But it feels like the real thing.
That's the important part.

What's more important is

you don't need birth control.

Fucking an android would be legal.

Jesus, we market these,
we'll make billions.

Professor, you are a genius.

What else is new?

Vito?

Frobish.

Yes, we're expecting a shipment
of synthetic hair very soon.

Right.

I'm converting my club into a factory.

Yes, we hope.
Yes, Vito, yes.

Yes, we hope to be going into production
on our first line of androids

very soon Now.

Yes.

Sure, I'll have a check for you
at the end of the week.

Right.

Zip-a-dee-doo-dah,
Zip-a-dee-doo.

With my androids,
everybody can screw.

Shermy, baby, you're beautiful.

You've got your own, personal genius
under exclusive contract

and he's going to make you
stinking rich.

Who needs television?

Who needs pornography?

Sherman Frobish, industrial tycoon.

Jesus, that has a nice ring to it.

Miss Vice wants to see you.
Says she's a sex performer.

Tell her to get lost.

We're not seeing performers now.

We're getting out of TV, remember?

But we still have five more shows to do.

All right, send her in.

Miss Vice Squad.

How do you do, Miss Squad?
I'm Sherman Frobish.

-You've met my secretary, Miss Kojak?
-Yes.

Have a seat.

Thank you, Alice.

What can I do for you, Miss Squad?

I'd like to know what I have to do to get
on the Fuck and Suck show.

Thanks.

We're primarily interested
in novelty acts,

something with a gimmick.

Let's see here.

Your license seems to be in order.

You have a special classification, I see.

TPTK. What is that?

That's my gimmick.
I give mind.

You mean you give head, don't you?

No, I give mind.
I'm telepathic and telekinetic.

Tele-what?

Telekinetic, mind over matter.

I give telepathic blow jobs.

I can get you up and get you off
without ever touching you

by the sheer force of my mental energy.

If you'd like to know how it works,

I'm in a film that's out now.

It's called Deep Thought.

Well, 1 don't have the time to see
many films, Miss Squad,

but thank you very much.

How about I give you a demonstration?

Sure.

Not here.

It's too public.

I'm shy.

How about your place tonight?

[Clears throat]
Yeah, all right.

-20:00 hours okay by you?
-Fine.

OK. Now, watch this.

[moody, atmospheric music]

Incredible. And you didn't even touch me.

Am Iin?

You bet your mind, kid.

[chuckles] Wonderful.

Let's have a drink to celebrate.

Good idea.

Look, why don't you go relax in
the other room while I get the champagne?

[rustling]

-To mind jobs.
-To mind jobs.

Ooh.

I should know better than
to down champagne like that.

Goes straight to my head.

Then I do naughty things.

Really? Like what?

This.

Oh, wow.

Just consider it a token
of my appreciation.

[beeps]

Oh, shit.

Frobish here.

Sherman, this is Alice.

Don't talk, just listen.

I just ran a check on Vice Squad
and the fax says there's no such person

with a performance license.

You better watch your ass.

I smell a mix-up.

Holy shit, and I gave her the --

listen, thanks a lot,
Alice. I'll keep in touch.

Excuse me,
maybe we really should not do this.

We might get in trouble.

Come on.

Don't worry about it.

It's only a misdemeanor.
They'll just give us a ticket,

so I'll pay the fine.

No, come on.
Hey, I mean it.

Now cut it out.
Hey, come on, stop that.

Hey, look, I said stop it.

Hey, I'm not going to tell you again.

All right, that's it.

No more Mr. Nice Guy.

I hate to have to do this,

but you leave me no choice.

Operator, get me the FBSIS.

No, give me that phone.

Why? Is this what you want?

This is a setup, isn't it?

Yes. I mean, no.

Aha.

Oh, shit, it wasn't supposed to work out
like this.

What wasn't supposed
to work out like what?

Come on, you evil little cunt. Spill it.

Who the fuck are you, anyway?

My name's Gumshoes,
Anita Gumshoes.

I'm with the CIA.

Sorry, sister, I'm not buying.

You'll have to do better than that.

There hasn't been a CIA for 20 years.

Not the Central Intelligence Agency,
the Carnal Intelligence Agency.

-What?
-Here.

Holy shit.

We understand you've been engaging
in illegal intercourse

on a promiscuous basis for several years.

It is my job to gain the evidence.

You mean screw me two different ways
at the same time, don't you?

I guess so.

Sorry to disappoint you.

Wait,
I didn't think it would be like this.

It's schitzy.

I was really starting to like you.

Save it, will you?

-I'm telling you the truth.
-Get off it.

Maybe we could work something out.

Do it off the record.

I'm government, I've got connections.

You must think I'm awfully stupid
or something.

All right, you motherfucker.

You had your chance.

You're going to wish your mother
had never been picked to be a breeder.

I'm going to be on your ass
day and night.

You won't be able to take a shit
without us knowing about it.

Remember, I'm telepathic,
you son of a bitch.

You've been careful,

but you'll slip up and when you do,
I'm going to know about i,

because I'm going to be reading
your mind and we're going to bust you

so fast your head will spin, you hear me?

I'm going to nail your ass, Frobish.

Frobish here.

Yes, professor.
Good to hear from you.

Slow down, professor,
I can't understand you.

In English.

Yes.

Sure.

What?

Professor, calm down.

Okay.

Sure, right away.

[indistinct yelling]
It's me, Frobish.

That's not even it.
It's going to be the signal.

What?

Look at her.

What? What is it?

-Can't you see? She's pregnant.

How?

How the fuck can she be pregnant?

I think you just answered
your own question.

Professor, she's an android, remember?

Obviously. She's pregnant, though.

Look at her, what else can it be?

What does it look like? Look.

It looks like she's either pregnant,
or she's just deep-throated

a watermelon.

Just answer me one question, all right?
One teensie, eensie, weensie question,

if you don't mind.

How?

-Who's --
-How?

Maybe when I duplicated human fucks,
it was just a little bit too closely.

Too closely?

Rochsov, you incompetent.

You charlatan.
You two-bit quack.

Wait until I get my hands on you
and there'll be a couple of you

involved in duplicating,
you son of a bitch.

That's breathing, bleeding, and biting.

[sobs] Calm down, boy.

I mean, after all, how could I know
that this would happen?

She never told me she was Tampax ready.

[grunts]

Oh, calm down, my boy.
Calm down now,

you'll have a heart attack.

I want to have a heart attack
and you'll be doing

five to 20 in the state pen.

Don't you realize what this means?

The android is worthless and we've got
four weeks to the last show.

It's bankruptcy court for me now, surely.

God, and not to mention
what Beetle's going to do to me.

Oh, Professor, we've got to
do something fast.

I need lots of money fast.

Please, perfect an android
that can't get pregnant.

Do something, anything.

-Well, what if this one --
-] don't know.

You built her, you can fix her.

What about this --
are you're suggesting already?

An abortion.

No, absolutely not. I cantt.
No, no.

Why the fuck not?

She's gotten up.

[grunts]

[background noise]

You.

What the hell is this, a watergate?

What's the matter, Gumshoes?

Is your mind reading technique working?

Do you have to resort to snooping?

Well, I've had it with you this time.

You're really going to get it.
I've taken all I'm going to take.

I ought to pound the shit out of you.

In fact,

I think that's just what I'm going to do.
Teach you a lesson, you bitch.

Are you with me?

You bet your ass.

No, you won't get away with this.
I won't let you.

-Shut up.
-l won't let you.

I won't.

[background noise]

[screams]

No, no.

Stop, please.

Let go.

Oh no.

[cries]

No.

Oh, no.

[background noise]

[moans]
[funky music]

[moans]

You liked it, admit it.
Come on.

I like you.

I have from the first moment I met you.

I tried to tell you that,
but you wouldn't listen.

That male ego of yours.

I like you, too, Gumshoes.
You're an OK broad.

I think I'm getting nauseous.

When I found out you were a fit, I
skiffed.

I felt like I'd been had.

I realized when we started making it

that I didn't know what
I was missing.

If what we've been doing here is illegal,

our society must be pretty damn fucked up.

Sure.

Oh, boy, do I feel like a shit now.

People, I've got a confession to make.

You aren't really attracted to me,
Gumshoes.

No more than Alice here is every time
we make it together.

Oh, really?

Yeah.

See, Professor Rochsov developed
this sexual stimulant pill.

It just releases all the repressed
sexual energy in our bodies.

I slipped some of it in your champagne.

Do you think I didn't know that?

I'm a mind reader, remember?

Oh, wow.

Sex stimulants?

Is that stuff in these lollipops?

Yes.

[silence]

True.

You mean you're not angry with me?

No, I love fucking.

Okay, wonderful, but what about you?

The CIA still wants my ass.

Oh, fuck the CIA.

What?

I've decided I'm in the wrong business.

I don't want to be a spy anymore,
I want to be a sex star.

O, terrific.

I'll introduce you to some of my friends.

Can't you make me a star?

Honey, one month from now,
I'm going to be out of a business.

Wiped out. Finished.

And if Vito doesn't have me floating
down the Hudson in a pair

of concrete water wings by then,
I'll consider myself lucky.

I don't want to be a star
for just anybody, Sherman.

I want to work for you.

Aw, you two make me sick.

You want to work for me?

Then I've got to stay afloat.

Do you think you can use
some of your mental powers

to help me stay on the air?

Maybe. I am willing to do
anything I can.

That is, if you're convinced
I've given up my allegiance to the CIA.

I'm convinced.

Now, the first thing we've got to do
is get back on the air somehow.

I can't stall Vito much longer.

[knocks]

Who is it?

-Kojak.
-Come in.

[background noise]

-Did you get everything?
-1 think so.

Nobody saw you going into
my apartment?

No.

Look,

I don't understand what all this cloak
and dagger stuff is all about, anyway.

The new CIA's resources
are almost as extensive as the old.

Whenever one
of their operatives just disappears

without formal resignation
or debriefing, they get nervous.

They'll come looking for me,
I Know,

so I'll lay low here
until I can figure out what to do.

Alice, thanks for this stuff.

Don't mention it.

[knocks]
Here.

Who is that?

FBSIS maintenance division.

I come to inspect your peeking cam.

Just a minute.

-What do we do?
-Hold on a minute.

Oh, shit.

What? What are you getting?

It's a CIA undercover man.
He's come for me.

Oh, my God.

Go hide the masker.

Come on, open up in there.

Just a minute.

Hurry up.

-I don't got all day.
-All right.

Comein.

Every cubicle I come into, same thing.

They all keep me waiting outside
there while they fix themselves up.

Listen, lady, you've seen
what I see on these things,

folks whacking off and all.

Shit, there isn't nothing
embarrasses you no more.

-You look tired, you fellow.
-It's been a long day.

Can I fix you a cold drink?

Hey, what do you got?

We got pure water.

Not every day you meet someone
who's got that.

Hey, terrif.

Where's your cam?

The camera's in the next room,
in the bedroom.

Okay.

[background noise]

Oh, hey, thanks.

Hey, it tastes funny.

No, it's been so long
since I had this stuff.

What do I know?

[POp rock music]

[sniffs]

[POp rock music]

Professor Rochsov?

Anybody home?

Yoo-hoo.

Hey, let's have a party.

Join me, boy.
I got good news for you.

Yeah, so what's with you already?

Don't mind me, Professor.

I'm just a little phased at the moment.

Yes, I understand.

You're depressed.

You want that maybe you should forget
that you want to hang yourself.

-You don't like that.
-Professor, you have such a talent

for cheering me up.

Well, I figured out what went wrong
with the android.

I figured out how to eliminate
the reproductive system

from the model without sacrificing
the chemical hormones

that make her so lifelike.

Terrif.

Absolutely terrif.

That means we're back
in business again, doesn't it?

Yes. Absolutely, positively.

One, two,

we need $4,507,300 and --

Oh, boy.

$432.23.4...

That's an approximate figure?

Yes, you know it.

Oh, well, gee, it's good.

I was a little worried. Another 25 cents

and we might have had
a problem on our hands.

Good work, you asshole.

That's $4.5 million more than
you said would cost about 50 of them.

I don't believe this.

That means the market value on each
of these things is going to be $6 million.

Who the fuck
in their right mind is going to spend

$6 million just to get laid?

Does that mean
we're not in business anymore?

What do you think, you nitwit?

You're making me seasick.

What am I yelling about?

I'm the asshole here.

I'm the one who put his entire trust,
his professional future,

his whole life in the hands
of an idiot savant on rollerskates.

I should've known.

A professor who runs around
his lab in rollerskates.

It's faster.

Oh, God.

You could have helped
everybody three months ago

if you just fell off and killed yourself.

Okay. That's what makes the skates
so much more effective.

I can't possibly fall.

Wait a minute.
Did you say you can't fall?

Oh, no.

I invented gyro roller skates, yes.

It's just another little invention.

Vital invention?

Wait a minute, you cannot fall
no matter what you do?

Yes, that's what I've been trying
to tell to you. Jeez.

Professor, hey, we're in business again.

We're in business, our troubles are over.

[background noise]

Well?

My son, Bull, hated it,

but I loved it.

My boy, you have set
the precedent in this industry.

We closed the door on you,

but you, on your own initiative,
made your own pilot

and at your own expense.

[laughs]

You practically forced us to look at it.

Boy, this is it.

You are made.

Your film is definitely hot out.

Terrif.

Pardon?

Great, fine.

Do I get the go-ahead for 12 episodes?

You may start immediately.

Thank you.

Thank you very much.

I'll get to work
on the first show right away.

[background noise]

["Toccata and Fugue in D Minor" by Bach]

Now from the people who brought you
the Fuck and Suck show,

it's Rollerbabies,

the fastest-moving sex show
on television

in which four celebrity teams
compete for big dollars,

creating imaginative sex positions
on roller skates.

Now circling our studio rink
iS our regular celebrity couple,

famed sex stars Jonathan Z
and Taffy Pull,

who will demonstrate for
our home audience

how the game is played.

Each of our celebrity teams competes
for cash prizes on behalf

of a home contestant chosen at
random from postcards addressed

to our studios in New York from
our television viewers.

Each team will engage in
an actual sex act for our panel of judges

as they skate around the rink.

Points are scored by the skaters
for originality

and grace in the execution
of the act itself, based

upon the intricacy
of the position chosen.

The team scoring the highest number
of points will win

our grand prize for the day,
10 genuine filet mignon dinners,

and a pair of his and her jumpsuits
of 100% nylon,

all adding up to a grand prize
package worth $50,000.

Jonathan and Taffy
will now demonstrate

the basic roller sex position,

mobile rear entry with
a woman in crouch.

This is one of the easier positions
presented, the rhythms

of love beautifully
and gracefully complement

the forward movement of the skaters.

Forward momentum is gained with
each thrust of the man's pelvis.

Conversely, some of the other positions
in which partners

must face each other

are more difficult, because one
of the players must move backwards.

To stay in the game, each team
must engage in continuous hardcore sex

activity without ejaculation
for a minimum of three minutes.

A team with a male partner who
climaxes before the minimum time

has elapsed is immediately disqualified
from further competition.

Now, let's find out who
our four teams are playing for today.

Team number one is competing for
Mr. Argyle Sachs of Trojan Bend, Indiana.

Team number two will be playing
for Mrs. Tess Testerone

of Vas Deferens, New Mexico.

Team number three is participating
on behalf

of Miss Francoise Saint Neuf
of Split Beaver,

Pennsylvania, and team number four
iS competing

for Mr. E. Jackalation
of Bell Hatchet, Nebraska.

That's $1,960,
$1,980, 2K,

$2,020, $2,040 and $10 is $50,000

and another and that makes three.

That should hold you for now,

and I'll give you
the other $7,000 tomorrow.

Oh, Bobby, I can wait until you give me
a check at the end of the week.

Yes, but just remember, you need
any more roller gyro stabilizers,

I'll have them ready for you by Monday.

They go for $1,250 a piece,

but for you, $1,249.95.

Professor, you're a pussycat.

Listen, I got to lift off now.

I'm painting something
over at Patty Hearst Memorial Stadium

and it's waiting for me, the check taxi.

Hold on, hold on.

I have for you something.
You should be so lucky, here.

What? What's this?

Just the most earth-shattering discovery

since the 39th amendment
removed sex from our daily pleasures.

That's the first,

100% guaranteed, most effective,

100% effective contraceptive.

You should be so lucky.

-Contraceptive?
-Yeah.

You helped me capture it
as in again, accepted.

As in getting back up so you swell up
and look like a fresh salami.

Are you sure this works?

Not to worry, I discovered it.

That's amazing.

Well, that would mean --

wouldn't that mean that sex
would be legal again?

Of course.

Beautiful.

Professor,
if you've really done it this time

and this is really what you say it is,

then we'll be set for the rest
of our very sweet lives.

[triumphant orchestral music]

Thank you, Jonathan Z and Taffy Pull.

Now, it's time to meet
today's celebrity teams and here they are.

Team number one features
former CIA operative, Perry Stalsis,

former ice skating star,

Sonia Hiney, and ever-ready film star,
Stan Ding Dong.

Team number two stars freelance
artificial insemination donor,

Deforest Pubis,

feminist rockstar, Connie Lindquist,

and the star of Mandingo Part Seven,
Tyrone Exlax.

Team number three pairs part-time
gerbil breeder, Clint Torres,

with socialite Sherry Jubilee, and last

but not least, on team number four,
sex star Annette Stockings

and physicist, Dr. Ben Dover.

Dr. Ben Dover is the inventor
of the Preparation H-bomb

for atomic piles.

Now it's time to play Rollerbabies.

Team number one gets the action off

to an arousing start, as Sonia Hiney
dives into a moving fellatio

with female in crouch position
with teammate Stan Ding Dong.

Here's team four, starting off
slow with the beginner's position,

the same one that Jonathan
and Taffy demonstrated earlier.

Oh, my goodness, look at that.

Sherry Jubilee and Clint Torres
are making a bid

for the 50-point bonus,
going right for the tricky stuff,

a male supported backward
moving mobile intermission.

Here's team one again,
still in the same position,

but with some interesting
mouth action there.

[orchestral music]

Team number four continuing
in the Basic Position.

Oh, but they're demonstrating
a 180° spin

in which Annette Socking shows us
her point spread.

Team number one continuing with
a really professional suck job.

[triumphant orchestral music]

Team number four is really starting
to move now, folks.

I think they're trying for
the 10-point speed skating bonus.

Now, Sonia's coming out of her crouch.

She looks like she's trying
for a point bonus

for a more difficult position.

[buzzer]

Oh, we have an ejaculation on Team three.

Sorry, doctor, you
and your limp noodle are disqualified

from further scoring.

Enjoy yourself all you like,
but no points.

Now, Sonia is back in her crouch again.

[bell rings]

There's the three-minute bell.

Oh, there goes Stan,
and not a moment too soon.

Good work, Stan,
holding out against
Sonia's oral expertise.

Sure doesn't look easy.

Team number four is still moving briskly,

now in a rear entry with female bent over.

There goes Dr. Dover.

Let's see if Annette can jack him up
again for a quick recovery

so that team number four
can continue to compete.

[pause]

Now Sonia has taken on
her other male partner,

Mr. Perry Stalsis.

[triumphant orchestral music]

Only 30 seconds remaining
in the first quarter.

There goes Perry Stalsis
sending the first team.

The judges will tally up the scores

and we'll return after
a short commercial message.

-Sherman.
-l need a hello.

I'm so glad you're here.
I love this.

Forget about this.

Wait 'til you hear what
I've got to tell you.

-Good news, I hope.
-The best.

The Professor has come up
with something completely new.

It's going to make us much richer
and the whole world a lot happier,

but listen, I can't talk about it here.

I just want to watch the show now.

-Just one question, Sherm, okay?
-Shoot.

How in God's name did you get
the money to shoot a pilot like this?

Oh, just made a few deals.

You really want to know?

Anita Gumshoes,
meet my new partner, Nado Corleone lII.

But how?

Easy.

I just made him an offer
that he couldn't refuse.

[pause]