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1
00:00:18,152 --> 00:00:21,731
- Wait, who's this, could
it be the brilliant author
2
00:00:21,755 --> 00:00:24,134
of Don't Back Down?
3
00:00:24,158 --> 00:00:25,869
- Guilty as charged.
4
00:00:25,893 --> 00:00:27,726
- I'm so proud of you.
5
00:00:28,862 --> 00:00:31,174
- Please, just a
humble autobiography
6
00:00:31,198 --> 00:00:33,843
of an extraordinary man.
7
00:00:33,867 --> 00:00:36,380
- Translated from the
gibberish by his assistant.
8
00:00:38,439 --> 00:00:39,983
- I grabbed the first
copy out of the box
9
00:00:40,007 --> 00:00:40,984
at Brentano's.
10
00:00:41,008 --> 00:00:43,120
And it's just captivating.
11
00:00:43,144 --> 00:00:45,455
- Thank you, Maya, that
means a lot coming from
12
00:00:45,479 --> 00:00:48,058
someone who just got
done trying to kiss my ass.
13
00:00:49,350 --> 00:00:51,128
- Oh my god, Jack,
it's better than the Bible.
14
00:00:52,353 --> 00:00:53,897
I'm practically on page seven.
15
00:00:57,058 --> 00:00:59,369
- I couldn't believe that
chapter about all the fights
16
00:00:59,393 --> 00:01:01,071
you got into when
you were young.
17
00:01:01,095 --> 00:01:02,739
I mean, when I was
little and I said my dad
18
00:01:02,763 --> 00:01:05,509
could beat up your
dad it was actually true.
19
00:01:05,533 --> 00:01:09,413
- Ten pounds, six ounces,
oh Jack, you were quite a fatty.
20
00:01:12,206 --> 00:01:14,217
- Anyway, I was
really impressed.
21
00:01:14,241 --> 00:01:16,520
You put the hurt on
some pretty famous
22
00:01:16,544 --> 00:01:17,921
tough guys.
23
00:01:17,945 --> 00:01:19,222
Lee Marvin.
24
00:01:19,246 --> 00:01:20,657
- May he rest in peace.
25
00:01:20,681 --> 00:01:22,225
- Steve McQueen.
26
00:01:22,249 --> 00:01:24,528
- God bless his soul.
27
00:01:24,552 --> 00:01:25,895
- Robert Conrad.
28
00:01:25,919 --> 00:01:27,997
- Gone but not forgotten.
29
00:01:28,021 --> 00:01:31,501
Dad, he's
not gone or forgotten.
30
00:01:31,525 --> 00:01:32,635
In fact, he's in great shape,
31
00:01:32,659 --> 00:01:34,204
he works out at my gym.
32
00:01:34,228 --> 00:01:37,207
Well, I'm glad to hear it.
33
00:01:37,231 --> 00:01:39,509
I'll have to give him a call.
34
00:01:39,533 --> 00:01:42,279
You boob,
you assured me Conrad
35
00:01:42,303 --> 00:01:43,303
was dead!
36
00:01:44,338 --> 00:01:45,449
- He has to be, why
else would they cancel
37
00:01:45,473 --> 00:01:46,683
Jake and the Fatman?
38
00:01:46,707 --> 00:01:48,518
- That's William Conrad!
39
00:01:51,278 --> 00:01:53,056
Next time get it right.
40
00:01:53,080 --> 00:01:54,558
Next time
write your own book.
41
00:01:54,582 --> 00:01:55,658
- What'd you say?
42
00:01:55,682 --> 00:01:57,427
- I was apologizing.
43
00:01:58,719 --> 00:02:00,597
- Conrad could come
after me for millions.
44
00:02:00,621 --> 00:02:04,101
Plus if it gets out that
I lied in my memoir
45
00:02:04,125 --> 00:02:06,236
you know what
people will call me?
46
00:02:06,260 --> 00:02:07,670
- A jackass.
47
00:02:08,829 --> 00:02:10,907
A liar, a fraud, there's
no right answer.
48
00:02:29,316 --> 00:02:30,760
- Hi.
49
00:02:30,784 --> 00:02:32,629
I'd like to return this belt.
50
00:02:32,653 --> 00:02:34,197
My ex-wife gave
it to me, so I don't
51
00:02:34,221 --> 00:02:35,499
have a receipt.
52
00:02:35,523 --> 00:02:37,334
And I had to punch
an extra hole in it.
53
00:02:38,359 --> 00:02:39,702
But, um, if you could...
54
00:02:39,726 --> 00:02:42,205
- Hey, hey, it's okay.
55
00:02:42,229 --> 00:02:43,240
- Really?
56
00:02:43,264 --> 00:02:44,363
- No problem.
57
00:02:49,736 --> 00:02:51,414
Here's your refund.
58
00:02:51,438 --> 00:02:52,438
- Thanks.
59
00:02:53,207 --> 00:02:54,207
Buh-bye.
60
00:02:57,711 --> 00:02:59,356
- Whoa.
61
00:03:03,250 --> 00:03:04,461
- Excuse me?
62
00:03:04,485 --> 00:03:06,129
- Never mind.
63
00:03:06,153 --> 00:03:07,197
- No, what?
64
00:03:07,221 --> 00:03:09,032
- No, nothing.
65
00:03:09,056 --> 00:03:10,222
Just thinking.
66
00:03:11,458 --> 00:03:14,526
See ya.
67
00:03:16,897 --> 00:03:18,141
Damn.
68
00:03:18,165 --> 00:03:19,742
- What, what, what?
69
00:03:21,368 --> 00:03:23,980
- I shouldn't bother
you, it's just...
70
00:03:24,004 --> 00:03:25,748
Could you do me a huge favor?
71
00:03:25,772 --> 00:03:26,983
- Yeah.
72
00:03:27,007 --> 00:03:29,352
- See, we just
got this jacket in.
73
00:03:29,376 --> 00:03:31,788
But nobody has the
shoulders to make it work
74
00:03:31,812 --> 00:03:33,723
and I just need to
see it on somebody
75
00:03:33,747 --> 00:03:36,660
who can really
76
00:03:36,684 --> 00:03:38,295
oh my.
77
00:03:44,791 --> 00:03:45,968
- My belt go with this?
78
00:03:57,871 --> 00:04:00,450
- Whoa, do you bring
greetings from the future?
79
00:04:02,109 --> 00:04:04,421
- Yes, and there's still
no cure for baldness.
80
00:04:07,248 --> 00:04:08,458
- Radu?
81
00:04:08,482 --> 00:04:09,392
Finch, you can't
afford that place.
82
00:04:09,416 --> 00:04:10,527
- Poor Elliot.
83
00:04:10,551 --> 00:04:11,761
Let me clue you in.
84
00:04:11,785 --> 00:04:15,520
I have what's called a
body built for fashion.
85
00:04:16,390 --> 00:04:17,200
- Finch, you have a body built
86
00:04:17,224 --> 00:04:19,135
to assist Santa Claus.
87
00:04:20,794 --> 00:04:24,006
- Oh my god, I
can't afford this stuff.
88
00:04:24,030 --> 00:04:25,742
- What happened in that store?
89
00:04:25,766 --> 00:04:28,177
- I don't know, it
happened so fast.
90
00:04:28,201 --> 00:04:29,979
All I remember is
perfume, red hair,
91
00:04:30,003 --> 00:04:32,749
and many trips to the ATM.
92
00:04:34,475 --> 00:04:35,475
Crap!
93
00:04:36,477 --> 00:04:37,654
Four times, I am
94
00:04:37,678 --> 00:04:39,322
mentioned four times.
95
00:04:39,346 --> 00:04:40,790
- Pardon?
96
00:04:40,814 --> 00:04:42,659
- I got bored with Jack's
ancestors being chased
97
00:04:42,683 --> 00:04:44,594
around Europe, so
I looked in the index
98
00:04:44,618 --> 00:04:46,463
with the parts with me in them.
99
00:04:46,487 --> 00:04:47,986
There's only four!
100
00:04:49,122 --> 00:04:50,032
- Well, did you count
the picture of you
101
00:04:50,056 --> 00:04:51,901
at the Playboy mansion?
102
00:04:51,925 --> 00:04:53,403
No.
103
00:04:53,427 --> 00:04:55,972
I'm described as
unidentified topless woman
104
00:04:55,996 --> 00:04:57,440
on pogo stick.
105
00:04:59,966 --> 00:05:01,444
- Hey, I don't need my
own lawyer to tell me
106
00:05:01,468 --> 00:05:03,713
to calm down, I could
be facing a lawsuit,
107
00:05:03,737 --> 00:05:05,504
and I need a defense.
108
00:05:06,407 --> 00:05:07,972
Mixing medications?
109
00:05:09,209 --> 00:05:11,288
How many times
can we go to that well?
110
00:05:13,814 --> 00:05:14,991
- Hey knuckles.
111
00:05:15,015 --> 00:05:18,861
- Fine, fax me a letter
with my symptoms.
112
00:05:18,885 --> 00:05:19,885
Hey pumpkin.
113
00:05:21,221 --> 00:05:23,833
- Dad I've got a
pleasant surprise for you.
114
00:05:23,857 --> 00:05:25,835
- I could use one.
115
00:05:25,859 --> 00:05:27,570
- You know what I did at lunch?
116
00:05:27,594 --> 00:05:29,339
I went to the gym,
117
00:05:29,363 --> 00:05:32,041
guess who I ran into there.
118
00:05:32,065 --> 00:05:33,610
- Oh, crap.
119
00:05:40,808 --> 00:05:43,052
- So you're the guy who
said you kicked my ass?
120
00:05:57,224 --> 00:05:58,335
- Hey, come on, you guys.
121
00:05:58,359 --> 00:06:00,403
Somebody hug somebody.
122
00:06:00,427 --> 00:06:03,139
You act like you never
met before in your lives.
123
00:06:03,163 --> 00:06:04,163
- Stand up.
124
00:06:07,934 --> 00:06:09,045
- What?
125
00:06:09,069 --> 00:06:10,335
- On your feet.
126
00:06:11,372 --> 00:06:13,049
- Look, I have a young child.
127
00:06:17,277 --> 00:06:20,256
- I don't know you
from a rat's behind.
128
00:06:21,582 --> 00:06:22,826
- Oh, that's pretty funny.
129
00:06:22,850 --> 00:06:24,627
Why don't you lie
down on your back
130
00:06:24,651 --> 00:06:25,795
and look up?
131
00:06:25,819 --> 00:06:27,364
Maybe then you'll
recognize him, huh, dad?
132
00:06:29,556 --> 00:06:32,791
- Jack, I have a
bone to pick with you.
133
00:06:33,761 --> 00:06:35,304
Aren't you Robert Conrad?
134
00:06:35,328 --> 00:06:36,773
- Ma'am.
135
00:06:36,797 --> 00:06:38,441
Goodness,
you don't waste any time,
136
00:06:38,465 --> 00:06:39,676
do you?
137
00:06:41,402 --> 00:06:42,612
- Nina, we're in a meeting here.
138
00:06:42,636 --> 00:06:44,180
If you want to
talk to Mr. Conrad,
139
00:06:44,204 --> 00:06:47,183
please escort him out of
the building immediately.
140
00:06:48,409 --> 00:06:50,854
- No, it can wait,
I'll be in my office.
141
00:06:50,878 --> 00:06:53,790
Which is across the
way and to the left.
142
00:06:53,814 --> 00:06:55,258
- Ma'am.
143
00:06:55,282 --> 00:06:56,192
You stop that,
you're going to get us
144
00:06:56,216 --> 00:06:58,027
both in trouble.
145
00:07:00,587 --> 00:07:01,865
- When was it that
we were supposed
146
00:07:01,889 --> 00:07:03,400
to know each other?
147
00:07:03,424 --> 00:07:04,233
- Uh.
148
00:07:04,257 --> 00:07:05,067
- 1965.
149
00:07:05,091 --> 00:07:06,936
It's in the book.
150
00:07:06,960 --> 00:07:08,560
- That explains it.
151
00:07:09,530 --> 00:07:10,973
- Explains what?
152
00:07:10,997 --> 00:07:12,442
- Well, things were a
little hazy in those days.
153
00:07:12,466 --> 00:07:15,445
Wild Wild West all
day long and wild wild
154
00:07:15,469 --> 00:07:17,881
everything else at
night, but I don't have
155
00:07:17,905 --> 00:07:19,282
to tell you, huh?
156
00:07:22,208 --> 00:07:23,208
- Flu shot.
157
00:07:24,311 --> 00:07:26,389
So wait, uh, you
don't remember us
158
00:07:26,413 --> 00:07:28,525
hanging out together?
159
00:07:28,549 --> 00:07:30,927
- Don't take it personally.
160
00:07:30,951 --> 00:07:33,129
- Water under the bridge.
161
00:07:33,153 --> 00:07:34,964
So don't be a stranger.
162
00:07:34,988 --> 00:07:36,566
- No, no, you're
not getting rid of me
163
00:07:36,590 --> 00:07:37,634
that easy.
164
00:07:37,658 --> 00:07:38,868
- I'm not?
165
00:07:38,892 --> 00:07:41,070
- Hell no, I am writing
my own autobiography.
166
00:07:41,094 --> 00:07:43,339
And I need you
to fill in the gaps.
167
00:07:43,363 --> 00:07:45,708
The blow by blow, so to speak.
168
00:07:45,732 --> 00:07:47,610
Great!
169
00:07:47,634 --> 00:07:49,178
We'll have lunch sometime.
170
00:07:49,202 --> 00:07:50,747
- I'd like that, give me a call.
171
00:07:50,771 --> 00:07:51,614
- No, Robert, wait!
172
00:07:51,638 --> 00:07:53,115
- Maya, please.
173
00:07:53,139 --> 00:07:55,251
- I know how you
guys are, you'll just
174
00:07:55,275 --> 00:07:57,620
drift apart for
another 30 years.
175
00:07:57,644 --> 00:07:59,644
Why don't you do it now?
176
00:08:00,547 --> 00:08:02,091
- Come on, Gallo.
177
00:08:02,115 --> 00:08:03,927
Don't make me have to carry you.
178
00:08:03,951 --> 00:08:05,528
Oh,
he can do it too.
179
00:08:05,552 --> 00:08:06,963
I saw him punch
out a soda machine
180
00:08:06,987 --> 00:08:08,998
by the stretching area.
181
00:08:09,022 --> 00:08:10,600
- No one cheats Robert Conrad.
182
00:08:22,736 --> 00:08:23,947
- Can I help you?
183
00:08:23,971 --> 00:08:25,748
- My friend bought
these clothes here and I
184
00:08:25,772 --> 00:08:27,438
want to return them.
185
00:08:30,310 --> 00:08:31,977
- Oh, right, Dennis.
186
00:08:33,413 --> 00:08:34,724
Now was there a problem?
187
00:08:34,748 --> 00:08:36,926
- Yes, the problem
is you flattered him
188
00:08:36,950 --> 00:08:40,096
into buying stuff
that he can't afford.
189
00:08:40,120 --> 00:08:42,665
- Well, it's a shame.
190
00:08:42,689 --> 00:08:44,734
He had the perfect
body for them.
191
00:08:44,758 --> 00:08:46,268
- Oh please, he has
the perfect body, then I'm
192
00:08:46,292 --> 00:08:48,037
getting cornrows in my hair.
193
00:08:49,763 --> 00:08:52,441
Cornrows.
194
00:08:52,465 --> 00:08:53,743
- The point is that you
took advantage of a guy
195
00:08:53,767 --> 00:08:55,378
who makes less
money than the average
196
00:08:55,402 --> 00:08:56,646
parking meter.
197
00:08:56,670 --> 00:09:00,517
Parking meter!
198
00:09:00,541 --> 00:09:03,508
- Oh wow, I did
not see that coming.
199
00:09:05,846 --> 00:09:07,790
You must crack
people up all day long.
200
00:09:07,814 --> 00:09:09,559
- I don't know, I do alright.
201
00:09:09,583 --> 00:09:10,583
- Alright?
202
00:09:11,284 --> 00:09:12,862
Come on.
203
00:09:12,886 --> 00:09:15,031
- I guess I kind of am
the office clown, you know.
204
00:09:17,057 --> 00:09:18,668
- In fact, I've got 12
buddies waiting outside
205
00:09:18,692 --> 00:09:19,769
in a tiny car.
206
00:09:19,793 --> 00:09:22,861
Tiny car!
207
00:09:24,497 --> 00:09:25,575
- Hey, you think?
208
00:09:31,504 --> 00:09:33,716
- This is so naughty.
209
00:09:33,740 --> 00:09:35,718
I mean, what sort of
people hang out at bars
210
00:09:35,742 --> 00:09:38,688
in the middle of the afternoon?
211
00:09:38,712 --> 00:09:40,111
- Son of a bitch!
212
00:09:41,782 --> 00:09:43,292
Four lousy mentions,
you know how that
213
00:09:43,316 --> 00:09:45,227
makes me feel?
214
00:09:45,251 --> 00:09:47,797
Like a piece of gum
someone chewed up and spit
215
00:09:47,821 --> 00:09:49,566
in the gutter only
to be carried away
216
00:09:49,590 --> 00:09:50,789
by sewer rats.
217
00:09:51,925 --> 00:09:54,103
I'm sorry, you were saying.
218
00:09:55,495 --> 00:09:56,940
- I said please, go away.
219
00:10:03,236 --> 00:10:06,215
- Where the hell do we
know each other from?
220
00:10:06,239 --> 00:10:07,850
- The old neighborhood.
221
00:10:07,874 --> 00:10:09,285
- Which one?
222
00:10:09,309 --> 00:10:13,144
- You know, the street
corner, the pool hall, the cars.
223
00:10:16,917 --> 00:10:19,328
- Wow, that is a
world someone my age
224
00:10:19,352 --> 00:10:20,752
can only imagine.
225
00:10:22,489 --> 00:10:23,967
- Who were the
guys we hung with?
226
00:10:23,991 --> 00:10:26,970
- There was the guy
with the hat who was just
227
00:10:26,994 --> 00:10:30,261
crazy over the local
ball team and, um,
228
00:10:31,898 --> 00:10:34,644
oh yeah, then there was
that guy, that smart guy
229
00:10:34,668 --> 00:10:36,079
who went off to State.
230
00:10:36,103 --> 00:10:37,647
- Oh yeah, what was his name?
231
00:10:37,671 --> 00:10:38,881
John...
232
00:10:38,905 --> 00:10:40,583
John.
233
00:10:40,607 --> 00:10:42,919
- It started with a b.
234
00:10:42,943 --> 00:10:44,676
- John Bu-, John Bu-.
235
00:10:47,347 --> 00:10:48,324
Steven Axelrod!
236
00:10:48,348 --> 00:10:49,158
- Yes!
237
00:10:51,284 --> 00:10:53,596
- Boy, what a
character he sounds like.
238
00:10:55,255 --> 00:10:56,966
- You know, aside
from beating me up,
239
00:10:56,990 --> 00:11:00,202
you don't seem to
remember squat.
240
00:11:00,226 --> 00:11:03,405
Are you playing some
kind of game with me?
241
00:11:03,429 --> 00:11:04,863
- Uh, damn pager.
242
00:11:07,100 --> 00:11:09,946
Don't remember squat,
for your information,
243
00:11:09,970 --> 00:11:13,449
I vividly recall that.
244
00:11:13,473 --> 00:11:15,918
Before your big break
in Hollywood, you labored
245
00:11:15,942 --> 00:11:17,854
as a dock worker.
246
00:11:17,878 --> 00:11:20,589
- Son of a gun, how
do you remember that?
247
00:11:26,987 --> 00:11:28,297
How could I forget?
248
00:11:28,321 --> 00:11:32,157
You're Bob Conrad,
the eldest of six children,
249
00:11:33,359 --> 00:11:36,505
born in Chicago or as
we in the gang used to
250
00:11:36,529 --> 00:11:39,208
call it, the Windy City.
251
00:11:39,232 --> 00:11:40,442
Check, please.
252
00:11:40,466 --> 00:11:42,745
- No, no, no, no,
we're not done here.
253
00:11:42,769 --> 00:11:43,980
Another round.
254
00:11:44,004 --> 00:11:45,148
- Oh, okay, I got it.
255
00:11:45,172 --> 00:11:46,348
- No, no.
256
00:11:46,372 --> 00:11:47,616
I got it.
257
00:11:47,640 --> 00:11:49,251
- Maybe you two
should arm wrestle for it.
258
00:12:05,158 --> 00:12:09,806
Sir,
what are you wearing?
259
00:12:09,830 --> 00:12:11,974
- Just a few things I picked up.
260
00:12:11,998 --> 00:12:13,176
- Did you take my stuff back,
261
00:12:13,200 --> 00:12:14,177
did you get my money?
262
00:12:14,201 --> 00:12:16,112
- No, not exactly.
263
00:12:16,136 --> 00:12:17,313
- Why not?
264
00:12:17,337 --> 00:12:19,115
- Hey, enough with
the grilling, alright?
265
00:12:19,139 --> 00:12:20,950
Because, let's face
it, I need that like
266
00:12:20,974 --> 00:12:23,519
I need cornrows in my hair.
267
00:12:31,484 --> 00:12:32,695
- Did you get it?
268
00:12:32,719 --> 00:12:33,996
Cornrows are those...
269
00:12:34,020 --> 00:12:38,334
Oh yeah, I
know what cornrows are.
270
00:12:38,358 --> 00:12:39,802
- But when I said
that joke at the store
271
00:12:39,826 --> 00:12:41,738
she laughed and
laughed and laughed and
272
00:12:41,762 --> 00:12:45,764
I am the stupidest man
on the face of the Earth.
273
00:12:46,800 --> 00:12:47,610
- No, you're not.
274
00:12:47,634 --> 00:12:48,845
She's a witch, that one.
275
00:12:48,869 --> 00:12:49,812
- You tell me, I
mean, how many times
276
00:12:49,836 --> 00:12:51,413
am I going to use a muff?
277
00:12:55,175 --> 00:12:57,754
- You're such an idiot, dude.
278
00:12:57,778 --> 00:12:59,588
Mine's black, it
goes with everything.
279
00:13:07,154 --> 00:13:08,397
Don't be such a baby.
280
00:13:08,421 --> 00:13:10,566
Your shoulder
popped right back in.
281
00:13:13,894 --> 00:13:15,204
- Baby?
282
00:13:15,228 --> 00:13:16,472
You better watch the
name calling, that's how
283
00:13:16,496 --> 00:13:17,874
your first fight started.
284
00:13:17,898 --> 00:13:19,075
- Oh yeah?
285
00:13:19,099 --> 00:13:20,509
Yeah,
it's all in the book.
286
00:13:20,533 --> 00:13:21,878
My dad grabbed your
collar, bitchslapped you,
287
00:13:21,902 --> 00:13:23,379
and then you started cryin'.
288
00:13:26,472 --> 00:13:29,118
- Ha, she's paraphrasing!
289
00:13:29,142 --> 00:13:30,953
- You made me cry?
290
00:13:32,612 --> 00:13:34,123
I don't think so.
291
00:13:34,147 --> 00:13:36,959
- Are you calling
my old man a liar?
292
00:13:36,983 --> 00:13:39,796
- Hey, look,
let's just cool off.
293
00:13:39,820 --> 00:13:41,485
Who wants ice cream?
294
00:13:43,389 --> 00:13:45,634
- Oh my god, it's Jack.
295
00:13:45,658 --> 00:13:46,836
Will you please excuse me
296
00:13:46,860 --> 00:13:48,404
and pay for all my drinks?
297
00:13:50,063 --> 00:13:51,908
Alright, I have
something to tell you
298
00:13:51,932 --> 00:13:55,011
and it is not going
to be pleasant.
299
00:13:55,035 --> 00:13:56,412
Oh, hello.
300
00:13:56,436 --> 00:13:57,680
- Ma'am.
301
00:13:57,704 --> 00:14:00,983
- Please, there is
a time and a place.
302
00:14:01,007 --> 00:14:04,353
Jackson H. Gallo, you
have hurt me in the past,
303
00:14:04,377 --> 00:14:06,222
but never like this.
304
00:14:06,246 --> 00:14:07,690
Four mentions!
305
00:14:07,714 --> 00:14:08,724
I'm the one who
gave you the idea
306
00:14:08,748 --> 00:14:10,259
for this stupid book.
307
00:14:10,283 --> 00:14:11,460
And this is how you thank me,
308
00:14:11,484 --> 00:14:12,995
you miserable ingrate?!
309
00:14:13,019 --> 00:14:14,530
Well, answer me ,
310
00:14:14,554 --> 00:14:15,954
I said answer me!
311
00:14:17,190 --> 00:14:19,690
- Nina, it's dedicated to you.
312
00:14:28,201 --> 00:14:29,868
- Well, lookie here.
313
00:14:31,504 --> 00:14:34,217
Oh Jack ,
please forgive me.
314
00:14:34,241 --> 00:14:35,584
- It's okay, Nina.
315
00:14:35,608 --> 00:14:38,554
- Robert, please
don't think badly of me.
316
00:14:38,578 --> 00:14:39,578
- Ma'am.
317
00:14:45,785 --> 00:14:47,263
- I'm sorry, but
would you folks mind
318
00:14:47,287 --> 00:14:48,619
keeping it down?
319
00:14:50,423 --> 00:14:51,934
Excuse me?
320
00:14:51,958 --> 00:14:54,503
- It's just we're trying to
conduct business over here.
321
00:14:54,527 --> 00:14:55,338
- Really?
322
00:14:55,362 --> 00:14:56,272
So are we.
323
00:14:56,296 --> 00:14:57,773
We're considering a merger
324
00:14:57,797 --> 00:14:59,708
between my fist and your jaw.
325
00:15:01,667 --> 00:15:03,145
- Wow, did you
just make that up?
326
00:15:03,169 --> 00:15:05,003
- Check, check, check!
327
00:15:06,206 --> 00:15:09,941
- Fine, you, uh, you
want to start something?
328
00:15:12,078 --> 00:15:14,290
- Hey Jack, you take Big Mouth,
329
00:15:14,314 --> 00:15:15,958
I'll take Laverne and Shirley.
330
00:15:17,550 --> 00:15:19,617
- Alright, that's enough!
331
00:15:20,720 --> 00:15:23,988
Gentlemen, please,
we're not street thugs.
332
00:15:25,358 --> 00:15:29,205
We're grown men,
captains of industry
333
00:15:29,229 --> 00:15:30,295
and the arts.
334
00:15:31,631 --> 00:15:33,976
We settle our differences
not with violence,
335
00:15:34,000 --> 00:15:36,045
but with reason.
336
00:15:36,069 --> 00:15:39,282
Now you can do as
you please, but I plan
337
00:15:39,306 --> 00:15:43,041
to walk out that door
with my dignity intact.
338
00:16:05,065 --> 00:16:06,508
- Okay, be strong.
339
00:16:06,532 --> 00:16:07,743
- Right.
340
00:16:07,767 --> 00:16:09,511
And no matter what she
says, you're not funny.
341
00:16:09,535 --> 00:16:11,147
- You don't have a great body.
342
00:16:11,171 --> 00:16:13,950
- Yes, but I can
always work out.
343
00:16:13,974 --> 00:16:15,184
- Thank you.
344
00:16:15,208 --> 00:16:17,420
- 'Cause there ain't
no gym for ha-has.
345
00:16:17,444 --> 00:16:18,520
- I get it.
346
00:16:18,544 --> 00:16:19,956
Hi, guys.
347
00:16:19,980 --> 00:16:21,390
- No, no, no, don't talk to us.
348
00:16:21,414 --> 00:16:23,092
Nope, you just
take back the receipt
349
00:16:23,116 --> 00:16:24,994
and fork over the cash.
350
00:16:25,018 --> 00:16:27,063
Fork over the cash.
351
00:16:27,087 --> 00:16:29,165
- Stop it, we're onto you!
352
00:16:29,189 --> 00:16:31,167
- Stop jerking us
around, refund now!
353
00:16:32,258 --> 00:16:34,070
- Fine, but I'm telling you,
354
00:16:34,094 --> 00:16:36,805
those clothes really...
355
00:16:36,829 --> 00:16:39,875
What's the use?
356
00:16:39,899 --> 00:16:40,899
You got me.
357
00:16:42,068 --> 00:16:44,447
I've been working
this routine for years.
358
00:16:44,471 --> 00:16:47,638
But you two just
see right through me.
359
00:16:48,541 --> 00:16:51,153
- Yeah, well, we're smart.
360
00:16:52,512 --> 00:16:53,622
- Smart?
361
00:16:53,646 --> 00:16:55,591
It's more than smart.
362
00:16:55,615 --> 00:16:57,115
What are you, FBI?
363
00:16:58,885 --> 00:16:59,885
CIA?
364
00:17:00,887 --> 00:17:01,864
- You know, I did
take a test that...
365
00:17:01,888 --> 00:17:03,621
No, it's not working!
366
00:17:05,025 --> 00:17:07,025
- Give us the money now.
367
00:17:10,096 --> 00:17:14,265
And now
I can't pay my rent.
368
00:17:16,236 --> 00:17:18,580
My dad was right, I'm
never going to make
369
00:17:18,604 --> 00:17:19,937
it in this city.
370
00:17:21,141 --> 00:17:22,084
- That's not true,
you do a pretty...
371
00:17:22,108 --> 00:17:23,374
- Don't listen!
372
00:17:26,646 --> 00:17:28,391
You're just taking
the clothes back.
373
00:17:28,415 --> 00:17:29,415
Right now.
374
00:17:35,388 --> 00:17:36,932
- Boy the look on her face.
375
00:17:36,956 --> 00:17:39,101
- Yeah, she was not happy.
376
00:17:39,125 --> 00:17:42,371
Boo hoo hoo.
377
00:17:42,395 --> 00:17:45,908
- So you don't
think it matters that
378
00:17:45,932 --> 00:17:48,844
we actually forgot to
get our money back.
379
00:17:48,868 --> 00:17:51,113
- Not at all, it's
better this way.
380
00:17:51,137 --> 00:17:52,048
- Yeah, in her face!
381
00:17:59,045 --> 00:18:00,989
- Hey dad, guess what?
382
00:18:01,013 --> 00:18:02,991
Robert Conrad tried
to join the Marines
383
00:18:03,015 --> 00:18:04,282
when he was 15.
384
00:18:05,685 --> 00:18:07,185
Ask me how I know.
385
00:18:08,121 --> 00:18:09,454
- Don't want to.
386
00:18:12,092 --> 00:18:13,602
- You called Barnes &
Noble and have them
387
00:18:13,626 --> 00:18:15,438
move your book into fiction?
388
00:18:15,462 --> 00:18:16,472
- Hey.
389
00:18:16,496 --> 00:18:18,496
The rest of it was true.
390
00:18:19,665 --> 00:18:22,844
My publisher said,
readers want action.
391
00:18:22,868 --> 00:18:26,415
It's really society
that's to blame.
392
00:18:26,439 --> 00:18:28,250
- I can't believe this.
393
00:18:28,274 --> 00:18:32,288
You lied about your
life just to sell books?
394
00:18:32,312 --> 00:18:35,791
And because
395
00:18:35,815 --> 00:18:38,660
guys from my
generation all have stories
396
00:18:38,684 --> 00:18:42,798
about their rough-and-tumble
days, but not me.
397
00:18:42,822 --> 00:18:46,657
I was always the charming
guy everybody liked.
398
00:18:48,328 --> 00:18:51,207
It was like I missed
a rite of passage.
399
00:18:51,231 --> 00:18:54,298
And now looking
back, I feel unmanly.
400
00:18:57,403 --> 00:19:00,216
- That is such a
shallow, macho attitude.
401
00:19:00,240 --> 00:19:03,885
- Oh, is that a fact, Miss
My-Dad-Can-Beat-Up-Your-Dad?
402
00:19:03,909 --> 00:19:06,388
Admit it, you got a
charge out of thinking
403
00:19:06,412 --> 00:19:08,757
your father was a tough guy.
404
00:19:08,781 --> 00:19:09,658
- Hey, tough guy.
405
00:19:11,917 --> 00:19:12,917
- Bob!
406
00:19:13,919 --> 00:19:17,166
Well, I guess we
shamed those guys, huh?
407
00:19:17,190 --> 00:19:19,935
Shamed them good!
408
00:19:19,959 --> 00:19:22,138
- You just don't
run out on a buddy
409
00:19:22,162 --> 00:19:25,407
in a fight, you
just don't do it.
410
00:19:25,431 --> 00:19:26,431
- Yeah?
411
00:19:27,500 --> 00:19:30,212
Well, what are you
going to do about it?
412
00:19:32,672 --> 00:19:34,383
Hey,
dad, what are you doing?
413
00:19:34,407 --> 00:19:37,153
- I'm tired of tiptoeing
around this blowhard.
414
00:19:37,177 --> 00:19:38,587
- What did you call me?
415
00:19:38,611 --> 00:19:40,922
- I'm sorry I was proud
of you for being tough!
416
00:19:40,946 --> 00:19:42,513
I really messed up!
417
00:19:44,150 --> 00:19:46,395
- Are you going to
run away this time too?
418
00:19:46,419 --> 00:19:49,198
- I'm standing here, aren't I?
419
00:19:49,222 --> 00:19:50,222
- Alright!
420
00:19:55,195 --> 00:19:56,195
- Daddy, no!
421
00:19:57,863 --> 00:19:59,074
Damn!
422
00:19:59,098 --> 00:20:00,098
Hold it.
423
00:20:02,168 --> 00:20:03,168
Conrad.
424
00:20:04,770 --> 00:20:05,770
Hello, dear.
425
00:20:07,173 --> 00:20:09,507
No, no, I haven't forgotten.
426
00:20:10,476 --> 00:20:13,522
I know it's not always your job.
427
00:20:13,546 --> 00:20:15,057
Alright then.
428
00:20:15,081 --> 00:20:16,792
Yeah, you too.
429
00:20:18,651 --> 00:20:20,329
You caught a break, Gallo.
430
00:20:20,353 --> 00:20:22,964
I have to pick up the
grandkids from soccer practice.
431
00:20:24,657 --> 00:20:26,824
- Oh, how very convenient.
432
00:20:27,760 --> 00:20:30,339
- Don't worry, I'll be back.
433
00:20:30,363 --> 00:20:31,773
- Anytime.
434
00:20:31,797 --> 00:20:33,041
- You want to set a date?
435
00:20:33,065 --> 00:20:34,065
- You're on.
436
00:20:38,304 --> 00:20:39,448
- How's Thursday?
437
00:20:39,472 --> 00:20:40,416
- That's not good.
438
00:20:40,440 --> 00:20:42,184
I got to pick apples upstate.
439
00:20:42,208 --> 00:20:43,885
How about the 3rd?
440
00:20:43,909 --> 00:20:45,421
- I'm seeing my urologist.
441
00:20:46,479 --> 00:20:47,423
- Who do you go to?
442
00:20:47,447 --> 00:20:49,057
- Friedman on 54th.
443
00:20:49,081 --> 00:20:49,891
- Good?
444
00:20:49,915 --> 00:20:51,393
- Great, light touch.
445
00:20:56,356 --> 00:20:58,166
- I'm in the car, honey.
446
00:20:59,559 --> 00:21:01,870
Look, I'm going
to have to call you.
447
00:21:01,894 --> 00:21:03,305
- We can get a drink first.
448
00:21:03,329 --> 00:21:05,841
- Yeah, we could
have a drink, we fight.
449
00:21:05,865 --> 00:21:07,943
- Should we squeeze
in a massage?
450
00:21:07,967 --> 00:21:09,533
- You're on, Gallo!
451
00:21:12,272 --> 00:21:13,272
Oh fudge.
452
00:21:14,940 --> 00:21:18,676
Looks like rain.
453
00:21:25,351 --> 00:21:26,762
- You think?
454
00:21:28,020 --> 00:21:29,431
- I am telling you,
you have the shoulders
455
00:21:29,455 --> 00:21:30,954
to make this work.
456
00:21:32,425 --> 00:21:33,702
- Well, I don't know
about this one.
457
00:21:33,726 --> 00:21:36,004
It looks like something
Will Smith would wear.
458
00:21:36,028 --> 00:21:39,263
Will Smith!
459
00:21:40,600 --> 00:21:42,767
I did not see that coming.
460
00:21:43,969 --> 00:21:46,404
- Hey, I'm a bit of a cut-up.
30702
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