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1
00:00:06,006 --> 00:00:07,529
[buzzer]MAN [over TV]:
Wrong.
2
00:00:07,572 --> 00:00:11,054
Really, girl? You guessing
six dollars for Rice-A-Roni?
3
00:00:11,098 --> 00:00:12,795
I knew it from your nails,
4
00:00:12,838 --> 00:00:15,015
you never been
in a grocery store.
5
00:00:16,799 --> 00:00:19,976
Hey, Tina,
have you seen Malcolm?
6
00:00:20,020 --> 00:00:22,065
I just finished watching
that show Zombie Wars,
7
00:00:22,109 --> 00:00:25,068
and I want to spoil
the ending for him.
8
00:00:25,112 --> 00:00:27,114
Um, yeah, he went shopping.
9
00:00:27,157 --> 00:00:28,985
Oh, good. You know what?
I'll text him
10
00:00:29,029 --> 00:00:31,248
to pick up some Kleenex,
because his favorite character
11
00:00:31,292 --> 00:00:34,556
is about to become
an all-you-can-eat buffet.
12
00:00:35,339 --> 00:00:39,082
Well, it's not exactly
that kind of shopping.
13
00:00:39,126 --> 00:00:42,738
He went to the used car lot
to get himself a car.
14
00:00:42,781 --> 00:00:45,654
Without me?
But I'm the car expert.
15
00:00:45,697 --> 00:00:47,482
If I'm not there to support him,
16
00:00:47,525 --> 00:00:50,746
who gonna tell him
he picked out something stupid?
17
00:00:51,529 --> 00:00:53,227
I know it hurts, babe.
18
00:00:53,270 --> 00:00:55,229
Telling people
they're stupid
19
00:00:55,272 --> 00:00:57,187
is one of your favorite things.
20
00:00:59,146 --> 00:01:00,495
But Malcolm is a grown man.
21
00:01:00,538 --> 00:01:02,410
We've got to let him
make his own choices.
22
00:01:02,453 --> 00:01:05,325
I don't know, babe.
It sounds stupid.
23
00:01:06,153 --> 00:01:08,416
Calvin, come on. This
is important to him.
24
00:01:08,459 --> 00:01:09,721
He's been working hard.
25
00:01:09,765 --> 00:01:12,724
He saved up enough money
to do this on his own.
26
00:01:12,768 --> 00:01:14,335
We need to be
supportive of him,
27
00:01:14,378 --> 00:01:16,424
no matter what car
he comes home with.
28
00:01:16,467 --> 00:01:17,860
Fine.
29
00:01:17,902 --> 00:01:21,255
But those used car dealers
are gonna eat him alive.
30
00:01:21,298 --> 00:01:22,821
Just like those zombies did
to that family
31
00:01:22,865 --> 00:01:24,649
that was hiding under the canoe!
32
00:01:25,433 --> 00:01:27,304
[horn honking
"Shave and a Haircut"]
33
00:01:27,348 --> 00:01:28,610
Ooh, that's him!
34
00:01:28,652 --> 00:01:30,045
Let's go see what he got.
35
00:01:30,090 --> 00:01:31,613
I don't know.
From the sounds of that horn,
36
00:01:31,656 --> 00:01:35,007
I'm guessing it's this big
and full of clowns.
37
00:01:37,967 --> 00:01:39,925
[chuckles]:
Hey, check it out, guys.
38
00:01:39,969 --> 00:01:41,013
What do you think?
39
00:01:41,057 --> 00:01:43,364
[engine revving]
40
00:01:44,669 --> 00:01:47,194
Oh, hell yeah!
Hell no!
41
00:01:48,282 --> 00:01:49,979
What?
42
00:01:50,021 --> 00:01:52,024
We not being
supportive anymore?
43
00:01:52,068 --> 00:01:53,287
Well, in that case,
44
00:01:53,330 --> 00:01:55,811
the preacher in your
zombie show dies.
45
00:01:57,334 --> 00:01:59,467
♪ Welcome to the block,
welcome to the neighborhood ♪
46
00:01:59,509 --> 00:02:00,337
♪ Welcome to the hood.
47
00:02:04,472 --> 00:02:06,387
You bought a motorcycle?
48
00:02:06,430 --> 00:02:08,431
What the hell were you thinking?
49
00:02:08,476 --> 00:02:09,607
Yeah, Malcolm.
50
00:02:09,651 --> 00:02:12,436
Oh, you got
the chrome exhaust on it.
51
00:02:12,480 --> 00:02:13,568
Malcolm, you said
52
00:02:13,611 --> 00:02:15,091
that you were gonna get
a used car.
53
00:02:15,135 --> 00:02:17,746
I know, Ma. And
I was going to.
54
00:02:17,789 --> 00:02:18,964
But then I saw this.
55
00:02:19,008 --> 00:02:21,315
And I realized this
face is too sexy
56
00:02:21,358 --> 00:02:23,665
to be hiding
behind a windshield.
57
00:02:24,405 --> 00:02:27,973
You are taking that back
this instant. Right, Calvin?
58
00:02:28,017 --> 00:02:31,194
Huh? What?
59
00:02:32,500 --> 00:02:33,805
Look,
60
00:02:33,849 --> 00:02:36,067
I'm sorry, Ma, but I'm
not taking it back.
61
00:02:36,112 --> 00:02:38,506
[scoffs]
Excuse me?
62
00:02:38,549 --> 00:02:40,595
Did you already crash?
63
00:02:40,638 --> 00:02:43,206
'Cause I think
you got brain damage.
64
00:02:43,250 --> 00:02:45,904
Ma, I paid for this
with my own money,
65
00:02:45,948 --> 00:02:47,993
and it's my decision, not yours.CALVIN:
Whoa, whoa.
66
00:02:48,037 --> 00:02:51,040
Malcolm, come on. Don't talk
to your mother like that.
67
00:02:51,083 --> 00:02:52,302
Now, you're taking it back.
68
00:02:52,346 --> 00:02:54,609
But before you do,
let me sit on it.
69
00:02:54,652 --> 00:02:56,741
Calvin, don't you dare.
70
00:02:56,785 --> 00:02:58,613
Come on, Tina.
71
00:02:58,656 --> 00:03:01,006
You got to admit,
it's pretty cool.
72
00:03:01,050 --> 00:03:03,052
What is it with men
and motorcycles?
73
00:03:03,095 --> 00:03:04,749
Anybody with half a brain
74
00:03:04,793 --> 00:03:07,622
knows that there is nothing cool
about them.
75
00:03:07,665 --> 00:03:09,232
Whoa!
76
00:03:09,276 --> 00:03:11,191
That is so cool.
77
00:03:15,064 --> 00:03:16,326
What'd I do?
78
00:03:16,370 --> 00:03:17,762
I'll tell you what you did.
79
00:03:17,806 --> 00:03:20,112
You gave me a chance
to sit on this bad boy.
80
00:03:20,156 --> 00:03:23,028
All right, well,
let me get on behind you, then.
81
00:03:23,072 --> 00:03:25,770
Whoa! Whoa!Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!
82
00:03:28,599 --> 00:03:30,514
[exhales]Oh, hey. Where were you?
83
00:03:30,558 --> 00:03:33,430
Over at Tina's trying
to calm her down.
84
00:03:33,474 --> 00:03:35,432
[exhales]
How'd it go?
85
00:03:35,476 --> 00:03:37,391
I thought a glass
of wine might help,
86
00:03:37,434 --> 00:03:38,478
but then she finished
the bottle,
87
00:03:38,522 --> 00:03:40,567
and it went the other way.
88
00:03:41,395 --> 00:03:43,527
You know,
I know it's dangerous,
89
00:03:43,571 --> 00:03:46,226
but that bike is so cool.[chuckles]
90
00:03:46,269 --> 00:03:49,272
Remember when you used
to pick me up on yours?
91
00:03:49,316 --> 00:03:52,144
It was so exciting.
Racing around town,
92
00:03:52,188 --> 00:03:54,712
zigzagging through traffic.
93
00:03:54,756 --> 00:03:57,585
Yeah. I miss that Vespa.
94
00:03:59,281 --> 00:04:02,807
We used to do so many
crazy things like that.
95
00:04:02,851 --> 00:04:05,549
Remember when we went
skinny-dipping in Lake Michigan?
96
00:04:05,593 --> 00:04:07,551
Oh, I sure do. That was
the summer I learned
97
00:04:07,595 --> 00:04:09,771
that catfish can bite.[chuckles]
98
00:04:09,814 --> 00:04:13,470
Wow. That all feels like
a million years ago.
99
00:04:13,514 --> 00:04:15,298
Yeah.
100
00:04:15,342 --> 00:04:17,125
What happened
to those people?
101
00:04:17,168 --> 00:04:19,649
Well, one of us
went to the ER.
102
00:04:21,435 --> 00:04:25,613
Gemma, is it possible
that we've gotten boring?
103
00:04:25,656 --> 00:04:27,484
What?! No.
104
00:04:27,528 --> 00:04:30,182
We went to a party
just last weekend.Gemma,
105
00:04:30,226 --> 00:04:32,837
we were chaperones
at Grover's school dance.
106
00:04:32,881 --> 00:04:35,318
Yeah, and thanks to us,
107
00:04:35,362 --> 00:04:37,668
now they all know
the Cabbage Patch.
108
00:04:41,716 --> 00:04:43,283
I'm serious.
109
00:04:43,326 --> 00:04:45,110
You know,
we haven't done anything crazy
110
00:04:45,154 --> 00:04:46,373
in the longest time.
111
00:04:46,416 --> 00:04:48,244
We're as lame
as that fifth grader
112
00:04:48,288 --> 00:04:50,551
who got pantsed
on the dance floor.
113
00:04:51,378 --> 00:04:53,336
Well, what are we
supposed to do?
114
00:04:53,380 --> 00:04:55,425
We're parents now.
We have responsibilities.
115
00:04:55,469 --> 00:04:57,819
Well, actually,
tonight, we don't.
116
00:04:57,862 --> 00:04:59,864
You know, Grover's
at a sleepover.
117
00:04:59,908 --> 00:05:02,258
We can do whatever we want.
118
00:05:02,302 --> 00:05:03,433
Like what?
119
00:05:03,477 --> 00:05:05,305
I don't know. Like...
120
00:05:05,348 --> 00:05:06,871
go to Vegas.
121
00:05:06,915 --> 00:05:09,134
[chuckles]:
Seriously?
122
00:05:09,178 --> 00:05:10,440
Yeah. Why not?
123
00:05:10,484 --> 00:05:13,138
Look, if we fly,
we can be there in an hour.
124
00:05:13,182 --> 00:05:14,531
It would be fun
125
00:05:14,575 --> 00:05:17,012
to party somewhere
that isn't a cafeteria.
126
00:05:17,055 --> 00:05:18,970
Yeah. Yeah.
127
00:05:19,014 --> 00:05:20,755
What do you say?
128
00:05:20,798 --> 00:05:22,278
Let's do it.
129
00:05:22,322 --> 00:05:23,975
I'll go pack my stuff.
[laughs]All right.
130
00:05:24,019 --> 00:05:27,152
You do that. 'Cause tonight,
the Johnsons are getting crazy!
131
00:05:27,196 --> 00:05:28,676
[whoops]
132
00:05:28,719 --> 00:05:31,679
Right after I check
our air miles.
133
00:05:36,640 --> 00:05:38,903
Oh, hey, babe.
What's for dinner?
134
00:05:38,947 --> 00:05:41,689
Dinner? My baby's out there
on a death machine,
135
00:05:41,732 --> 00:05:44,692
and I'm sitting here helpless.
Who can think about dinner?
136
00:05:44,735 --> 00:05:47,825
Well, off the top
of my head, me.
137
00:05:48,826 --> 00:05:50,437
Calvin!
138
00:05:50,480 --> 00:05:53,831
I'm sorry, babe. Look, I know
that you're upset and scared,
139
00:05:53,875 --> 00:05:57,182
and I want to be sensitive,
so...
140
00:05:57,226 --> 00:05:59,315
I'll just order in.
141
00:06:00,055 --> 00:06:01,361
Whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
142
00:06:01,404 --> 00:06:02,536
What do you think you're doing?
143
00:06:02,579 --> 00:06:04,886
Watching the game.Oh, no, you are not.
144
00:06:04,929 --> 00:06:07,410
This stays off
145
00:06:07,454 --> 00:06:09,717
so I can listen for sirens.
146
00:06:09,760 --> 00:06:10,935
Tina, come on.
147
00:06:10,979 --> 00:06:12,154
Sit down.
You're driving yourself crazy.
148
00:06:12,197 --> 00:06:13,242
You need to relax.
149
00:06:13,285 --> 00:06:14,939
No, do not tell
me to relax.
150
00:06:14,983 --> 00:06:18,073
None of this would've happened
if you had backed me up today.
151
00:06:18,116 --> 00:06:19,379
Whoa, hold up, now.
152
00:06:19,422 --> 00:06:21,293
Weren't you the one
that said
153
00:06:21,337 --> 00:06:22,904
that Malcolm's
a grown man
154
00:06:22,947 --> 00:06:25,559
and we need to let him
make his own decisions?
155
00:06:25,602 --> 00:06:27,212
Yeah, but that was before I knew
156
00:06:27,256 --> 00:06:29,432
he would make
such a dumbass decision.
157
00:06:29,476 --> 00:06:33,044
Okay, babe, I know
where you're coming from.
158
00:06:33,088 --> 00:06:34,524
I want him to be safe, too.
159
00:06:34,568 --> 00:06:37,222
Then, Calvin, why aren't you
doing anything about it?
160
00:06:37,266 --> 00:06:38,746
Well, what do you want me to do?
161
00:06:38,789 --> 00:06:41,052
Put a boot on it?
Set it on fire?
162
00:06:41,096 --> 00:06:42,663
Run over it with my truck?
163
00:06:42,706 --> 00:06:44,404
Yeah, yeah, yeah,
yeah, all that.
164
00:06:45,230 --> 00:06:47,145
[sighs]
Look, Tina,
165
00:06:47,189 --> 00:06:48,625
I know that you're worried,
166
00:06:48,669 --> 00:06:51,454
but the truth of the matter is
there's nothing we can do.
167
00:06:51,498 --> 00:06:52,890
It's out of our hands.
168
00:06:52,933 --> 00:06:55,719
You're right. It's
in God's hands.
169
00:06:55,763 --> 00:06:57,895
Exactly.Get your keys. We're
going to church.
170
00:06:57,939 --> 00:06:59,549
What?Mm-hmm.
171
00:06:59,593 --> 00:07:01,464
As long as Malcolm
is on that bike,
172
00:07:01,508 --> 00:07:04,206
we're going there every day
to pray for his safety.
173
00:07:04,249 --> 00:07:05,903
But why do we have to go
to the church?
174
00:07:05,947 --> 00:07:07,949
God is like Wi-Fi.
175
00:07:07,992 --> 00:07:09,559
He's everywhere.
176
00:07:12,127 --> 00:07:14,085
Calvin, we're going.
177
00:07:14,129 --> 00:07:16,000
Now, let me go
grab my Bible.
178
00:07:16,957 --> 00:07:21,092
Well, the Rams
are a 12-point underdog.
179
00:07:21,136 --> 00:07:23,355
I was gonna be praying anyway.
180
00:07:25,532 --> 00:07:27,882
Here we go, our deluxe room
181
00:07:27,925 --> 00:07:29,666
with a view of the Strip.GEMMA:
Oh,
182
00:07:29,710 --> 00:07:31,581
thanks, Marco, but we didn't
come to look at the Strip.
183
00:07:31,625 --> 00:07:34,628
We came to tear it up.
184
00:07:34,671 --> 00:07:37,239
That's right.
The city that never sleeps
185
00:07:37,282 --> 00:07:39,981
is about to get a wake-up call.
186
00:07:40,024 --> 00:07:43,506
Okay. That's New York,
but I hear you.
187
00:07:43,550 --> 00:07:45,639
Ooh! Uh, hey, Marco.
188
00:07:45,682 --> 00:07:48,468
Where do the, uh,
young, fun people
189
00:07:48,511 --> 00:07:50,121
like us
190
00:07:50,165 --> 00:07:51,514
do their thing?
191
00:07:51,558 --> 00:07:53,560
Just no foam parties.
192
00:07:53,603 --> 00:07:55,736
Uh, I-I rash easily.
193
00:07:55,779 --> 00:07:58,869
Well, we do have three
nightclubs downstairs.
194
00:07:58,913 --> 00:08:00,567
I'd be happy to
make a reservation
195
00:08:00,610 --> 00:08:02,046
at any one of them for you.
196
00:08:02,090 --> 00:08:03,308
[scoffs]
One of them?
197
00:08:03,352 --> 00:08:05,485
Book all three,
and warn them
198
00:08:05,528 --> 00:08:07,704
that the Johnsons
are in town.
199
00:08:08,531 --> 00:08:10,794
Got it. The Johnsons
are in town.
200
00:08:10,838 --> 00:08:11,926
No foam.
201
00:08:11,969 --> 00:08:14,798
[chuckles]
Oh,
202
00:08:14,842 --> 00:08:16,234
this is so exciting.
203
00:08:16,278 --> 00:08:18,889
Well, it's about to get
more exciting, because...
204
00:08:18,933 --> 00:08:20,717
look what I packed.
205
00:08:21,544 --> 00:08:23,633
What is it?It's my bathing suit
206
00:08:23,677 --> 00:08:25,592
from when
we went skinny-dipping.
207
00:08:27,376 --> 00:08:29,421
And it still fits.[chuckles]
208
00:08:29,465 --> 00:08:32,686
Oh, babe.
209
00:08:33,556 --> 00:08:35,558
Okay. So, you ready
to hit the town?
210
00:08:35,602 --> 00:08:38,169
Let me just freshen up first.
I want to be nice and clean
211
00:08:38,212 --> 00:08:40,171
for when we get down and dirty.
212
00:08:40,215 --> 00:08:42,652
Oh, we're gonna
get down and dirty.
213
00:08:42,696 --> 00:08:45,089
Just like when we fell
in that puddle on my Vespa.
214
00:08:49,572 --> 00:08:51,182
ANNOUNCER:
Stay tuned
215
00:08:51,226 --> 00:08:54,185
as the Forensic Mysteries
marathon continues.
216
00:08:54,229 --> 00:08:55,578
[ominous sting plays]
217
00:08:55,622 --> 00:08:59,103
Ooh! Ooh, I love
Forensic Mysteries.
218
00:08:59,147 --> 00:09:00,365
The host is so cheesy.
219
00:09:00,409 --> 00:09:02,846
"When the DNA results arrived,
220
00:09:02,890 --> 00:09:07,416
it was curtains
for the interior designer."
221
00:09:09,113 --> 00:09:11,376
I love it how he always steps
out of the shadows
222
00:09:11,420 --> 00:09:12,682
to tell us the surprise twist.
223
00:09:12,726 --> 00:09:14,249
I never see it coming.
224
00:09:14,292 --> 00:09:15,729
The twist or the host.
225
00:09:15,772 --> 00:09:19,036
Well, it's still early.
Let's just watch one episode
226
00:09:19,080 --> 00:09:21,212
before we go.Oh, yeah, sure.
We have plenty of time.
227
00:09:21,256 --> 00:09:23,911
[ominous sting plays]
228
00:09:24,738 --> 00:09:27,654
He gets me every time.
229
00:09:31,266 --> 00:09:34,356
Oh, hang on there, Malcolm.
I want to ask you something.
230
00:09:34,399 --> 00:09:36,227
Look, I already
told you, Pop.
231
00:09:36,271 --> 00:09:39,100
I'm not taking any more pictures
of you on the bike.
232
00:09:39,840 --> 00:09:42,886
Son, I know you love this bike,
233
00:09:42,930 --> 00:09:45,933
but you riding it around
is worrying your mother sick.
234
00:09:45,976 --> 00:09:48,718
[sighs] I know, Pop. But
come on, man, you get it.
235
00:09:48,762 --> 00:09:50,764
Can't you just go in
there and talk to her?
236
00:09:50,807 --> 00:09:53,027
I tried,
but you know your mother.
237
00:09:53,070 --> 00:09:55,725
Once she makes up her mind
about something, that's it.
238
00:09:55,769 --> 00:09:57,771
How do you think we got Marty?
239
00:09:59,120 --> 00:10:00,600
All right, well,
240
00:10:00,643 --> 00:10:02,645
just tell her not
to worry, okay?
241
00:10:02,689 --> 00:10:04,604
And I promise you,
I'll be safe.
242
00:10:04,647 --> 00:10:07,302
Okay, look, Malcolm,
let's just go back down there
243
00:10:07,345 --> 00:10:09,434
and get you a car
just as cool as the motorcycle.
244
00:10:09,478 --> 00:10:11,872
If you put the windows down
and wear your helmet,
245
00:10:11,915 --> 00:10:14,614
you'll barely notice
the difference.
246
00:10:15,484 --> 00:10:17,268
So, instead of a motorcycle,
247
00:10:17,312 --> 00:10:20,663
you want me to drive a used car
while wearing a helmet?
248
00:10:20,707 --> 00:10:23,318
You can't tell me
that won't turn heads.
249
00:10:24,145 --> 00:10:27,757
Look, I'm sorry, Pop, but this
is what I want, all right?
250
00:10:27,801 --> 00:10:30,281
And if Mom can't deal with that,
then that's her problem.
251
00:10:30,325 --> 00:10:34,372
Hmm. So, there's nothing
I can say to change your mind?
252
00:10:34,415 --> 00:10:36,505
Nope.
253
00:10:36,548 --> 00:10:39,464
Well, it's a good thing
I brought these.
254
00:10:41,684 --> 00:10:43,468
Are those handcuffs?
255
00:10:43,512 --> 00:10:44,905
They sure are.
256
00:10:44,948 --> 00:10:47,124
Well, what the hell
are you doing with them?
257
00:10:47,168 --> 00:10:49,300
Saving your ass.
258
00:10:49,344 --> 00:10:51,040
But more importantly...
259
00:10:52,347 --> 00:10:53,957
...I'm saving mine.
260
00:11:01,486 --> 00:11:03,532
Come on, Pop.
Quit messing around.
261
00:11:03,575 --> 00:11:06,796
Uncuff yourself from my bike.
262
00:11:06,840 --> 00:11:09,973
I'm sorry, Malcolm,
but it's too dangerous.
263
00:11:10,017 --> 00:11:13,585
If I got to go to church every
day, I might kill somebody.
264
00:11:14,761 --> 00:11:16,719
So this is your genius
plan? You're gonna
265
00:11:16,763 --> 00:11:18,982
stay out here until I agree
to get rid of the bike?
266
00:11:19,026 --> 00:11:22,072
Well, my first idea was
to handcuff myself to you,
267
00:11:22,116 --> 00:11:23,726
but then I realized,
268
00:11:23,770 --> 00:11:27,251
that's more of a reward
for you than a punishment.
269
00:11:28,775 --> 00:11:30,515
You know what? Okay, fine.
270
00:11:30,559 --> 00:11:32,996
You want to play that game?
I'll just wait you out.
271
00:11:33,040 --> 00:11:35,738
[chuckling]: Good luck,
'cause I'm not going anywhere.
272
00:11:35,782 --> 00:11:37,522
Well, maybe not right now,
273
00:11:37,566 --> 00:11:40,482
but at some point, you're
gonna have to use the bathroom.
274
00:11:40,525 --> 00:11:42,876
And when you do,
I'll be right there.
275
00:11:42,919 --> 00:11:44,834
Not in the bathroom
with you, man.
276
00:11:44,878 --> 00:11:47,228
On the bike, riding away.
277
00:11:48,055 --> 00:11:50,013
Well, see, that's where
you're wrong.
278
00:11:50,057 --> 00:11:52,712
I got a plan
for the bathroom, too.
279
00:11:52,755 --> 00:11:55,584
Tina, bring me the jar!
280
00:12:04,245 --> 00:12:06,508
HOST:
So when the lab results
traced the hair
281
00:12:06,551 --> 00:12:08,815
back to the chef, it turned out
282
00:12:08,858 --> 00:12:11,731
it was her goose
that was cooked.
283
00:12:11,774 --> 00:12:14,037
[ominous sting plays]
284
00:12:14,081 --> 00:12:15,691
ANNOUNCER:
And that concludes
285
00:12:15,735 --> 00:12:17,737
our Forensic Mysteriesmarathon.
286
00:12:17,780 --> 00:12:20,609
Stay tuned for
Rise and Shine Las Vegas.
287
00:12:20,652 --> 00:12:22,872
[upbeat music playing]
288
00:12:24,178 --> 00:12:25,745
Ge-Gemma, wake up!
289
00:12:25,788 --> 00:12:29,226
Five more minutes. I'm dreaming
about us skinny-dipping.
290
00:12:29,270 --> 00:12:31,359
For some reason,
there's a goose there.
291
00:12:31,402 --> 00:12:35,276
No. Gemma, you got to wake up.
We fell asleep.
292
00:12:35,319 --> 00:12:36,668
Huh? What?
293
00:12:36,712 --> 00:12:40,107
It's morning.
We missed our wild night!
294
00:12:41,108 --> 00:12:42,979
What?! We did?!
295
00:12:43,023 --> 00:12:44,111
Yeah.
296
00:12:44,154 --> 00:12:45,939
The only crazy thing
we did last night
297
00:12:45,982 --> 00:12:48,376
was get ten amazing hours
of sleep.
298
00:12:49,203 --> 00:12:52,293
You're right.
I feel totally rested.
299
00:12:52,336 --> 00:12:53,990
This is terrible!
300
00:12:54,034 --> 00:12:56,471
I can't believe
that we blew it.
301
00:12:56,514 --> 00:12:58,516
We didn't go to the casino,
the club or the pool.
302
00:12:58,560 --> 00:13:02,042
[groans]I packed my imaginary
bathing suit for nothing!
303
00:13:02,085 --> 00:13:04,479
Oh... Yeah.
304
00:13:04,522 --> 00:13:08,265
I wanted to wake up ashamed,
but not like this.
305
00:13:08,309 --> 00:13:13,836
I hate to say it, Gemma, but
we're officially boring people.
306
00:13:13,880 --> 00:13:16,317
It turns out
our glory days are over.
307
00:13:17,318 --> 00:13:19,624
Come on.
That's not true.
308
00:13:19,668 --> 00:13:21,931
We have an amazing life.
309
00:13:21,975 --> 00:13:24,629
Great friends,
good jobs,
310
00:13:24,673 --> 00:13:26,980
the best kid ever.
311
00:13:27,023 --> 00:13:30,679
If you ask me, it doesn't get
any more glorious than that.
312
00:13:32,289 --> 00:13:36,598
I know. I just wish
we still had it in us
313
00:13:36,641 --> 00:13:39,383
to go crazy every once
in a while.
314
00:13:39,427 --> 00:13:41,777
And I'm not just talking
about blowing all our air miles
315
00:13:41,821 --> 00:13:43,997
upgrading to Economy Plus.
316
00:13:46,434 --> 00:13:49,915
Well, we still have three hours
before we fly home.
317
00:13:50,742 --> 00:13:52,309
So?
318
00:13:52,353 --> 00:13:54,877
So why don't we do
something crazy right now?
319
00:13:54,921 --> 00:13:56,531
You know what?[laughs]
320
00:13:56,574 --> 00:13:57,967
You're right.
321
00:13:58,011 --> 00:14:01,014
And I know exactly
322
00:14:01,057 --> 00:14:03,190
how we're gonna do it.How?
323
00:14:03,233 --> 00:14:05,670
We are gonna hit
the hotel minibar.Ooh!
324
00:14:05,714 --> 00:14:08,673
Because what is wilder
325
00:14:08,717 --> 00:14:10,458
than eating
an eight-dollar candy bar?
326
00:14:10,501 --> 00:14:11,894
Oh.
327
00:14:11,938 --> 00:14:13,461
I'll tell you what's wilder--
328
00:14:13,504 --> 00:14:15,811
chasing it
with a bunch of tiny tequilas.
329
00:14:17,204 --> 00:14:19,206
That's right.
Look out, Vegas,
330
00:14:19,249 --> 00:14:22,296
'cause the Johnsons
are still in town![whoops]
331
00:14:23,775 --> 00:14:25,168
[groans]
332
00:14:25,212 --> 00:14:26,691
Nope. Those are bath beads.
333
00:14:26,735 --> 00:14:28,955
Oh.
334
00:14:31,348 --> 00:14:33,785
Here you go, baby.
I brought you a snack.
335
00:14:33,829 --> 00:14:35,787
Oh.Anything else you need?
336
00:14:35,831 --> 00:14:38,225
No, babe. I think I'm good.Ah.
337
00:14:42,794 --> 00:14:44,884
Thanks again
for doing this, baby.
338
00:14:44,927 --> 00:14:48,235
Sacrificing yourself
to protect our son.
339
00:14:48,278 --> 00:14:52,413
Aw, you know me--
always putting myself last.
340
00:14:52,456 --> 00:14:55,851
Hey, when you're done with
my neck, can you do my feet?
341
00:14:56,678 --> 00:14:58,158
[groans]
342
00:14:58,201 --> 00:14:59,463
Hey, guys.
343
00:14:59,507 --> 00:15:00,900
I'll see you later.
344
00:15:00,943 --> 00:15:02,423
Where are you going?
345
00:15:02,466 --> 00:15:03,685
Oh, just for a little ride.
346
00:15:03,728 --> 00:15:07,210
[chuckling]Ride? On what?
347
00:15:07,254 --> 00:15:10,910
Yeah. Did you borrow
Grover's wheelie shoes?
348
00:15:10,953 --> 00:15:12,781
[laughing]
349
00:15:12,824 --> 00:15:14,522
Oh, that's cute.
Y'all are funny.
350
00:15:14,565 --> 00:15:17,264
[Tina laughs]Actually, I'm taking
your truck.
351
00:15:18,613 --> 00:15:20,354
Say what now?
352
00:15:20,397 --> 00:15:22,878
Yeah, I figure
since you took my wheels,
353
00:15:22,922 --> 00:15:24,749
I'm gonna take yours.
354
00:15:24,793 --> 00:15:26,360
You can't take my truck.
355
00:15:27,143 --> 00:15:29,232
Nobody takes my truck!
356
00:15:30,016 --> 00:15:31,931
Don't do this, Malcolm.
357
00:15:31,974 --> 00:15:34,542
Your father loves you,
but that truck is his baby.
358
00:15:34,585 --> 00:15:37,937
Yeah, I know, Ma. It's like the
little brother I never drove.
359
00:15:41,027 --> 00:15:42,985
I know you're not
gonna open that door.
360
00:15:43,986 --> 00:15:46,075
Ooh. He opened the door.
361
00:15:47,294 --> 00:15:48,904
Malcolm, I'm not playing
with you.
362
00:15:48,948 --> 00:15:50,471
You better not
get behind that wheel!
363
00:15:52,690 --> 00:15:55,693
Ooh! He got
behind the wheel!
364
00:15:55,737 --> 00:15:58,653
Yeah, well, that's okay.
That's as far as he's gonna get.
365
00:15:58,696 --> 00:16:01,743
She's got a tricky ignition.
He can't figure it out.
366
00:16:01,786 --> 00:16:04,006
[engine starts]
367
00:16:04,050 --> 00:16:06,443
Ooh! He figured it out!
368
00:16:06,487 --> 00:16:09,098
Tina, would you stop
giving me play-by-play
369
00:16:09,142 --> 00:16:11,492
and go stop him?!
370
00:16:13,233 --> 00:16:16,062
I'm telling you, Malcolm, if
you crash your little brother,
371
00:16:16,105 --> 00:16:18,847
you best believe
I'm coming for you!
372
00:16:30,163 --> 00:16:31,816
[imitating Elvis]:
Ladies and gentlemen,
373
00:16:31,860 --> 00:16:33,905
please welcome
the Beer Chug Champion
374
00:16:33,949 --> 00:16:35,907
of the Silver Sands
Motel and Casino...
375
00:16:37,909 --> 00:16:39,389
...Gemma Johnson Presley.
376
00:16:42,740 --> 00:16:45,352
Thank you. Thank you.
377
00:16:45,395 --> 00:16:48,877
Thank you. And to all
the tired moms out there,
378
00:16:48,920 --> 00:16:52,011
if you can dream it,
you can drink it.
379
00:16:55,362 --> 00:16:57,190
Oh, wow.
380
00:16:57,233 --> 00:16:59,148
I got to hand it to us.
381
00:16:59,192 --> 00:17:01,281
That was the craziest
morning of my life.
382
00:17:01,324 --> 00:17:03,761
I can't believe we hit all three
of those nightclubs.
383
00:17:03,805 --> 00:17:07,374
Yeah. Although it would have
been more fun if they were open.
384
00:17:09,202 --> 00:17:11,595
I guess for an old,
boring couple,
385
00:17:11,638 --> 00:17:13,510
we still know how to party.
386
00:17:13,554 --> 00:17:15,946
We sure do. [laughs]
387
00:17:16,773 --> 00:17:20,213
Mmm. Gin and Gatorade.
388
00:17:22,388 --> 00:17:25,000
Well, the good news is
I don't have to worry
389
00:17:25,044 --> 00:17:27,481
about you dying
on that motorcycle anymore,
390
00:17:27,523 --> 00:17:30,092
because your father
is gonna kill you!
391
00:17:30,136 --> 00:17:33,487
Oh, please. I am
not afraid of Pop.
392
00:17:33,530 --> 00:17:37,621
But you think we have enough gas
to get to Mexico?
393
00:17:37,665 --> 00:17:40,059
Malcolm, why are you being
so stubborn about this?
394
00:17:40,102 --> 00:17:42,539
Can't you see we are just
trying to protect you?
395
00:17:42,583 --> 00:17:44,933
And I appreciate that, Ma,
but I'm a grown man.
396
00:17:44,976 --> 00:17:46,543
That is not your job anymore.
397
00:17:46,587 --> 00:17:49,198
Oh, really? When did I get fired
from being your mother?
398
00:17:49,242 --> 00:17:51,026
I am not firing
you, okay?
399
00:17:51,070 --> 00:17:52,593
I'm just kind of...
400
00:17:52,636 --> 00:17:54,595
reducing your hours.
401
00:17:56,031 --> 00:17:58,338
Look, Ma, I know
you think that's stupid,
402
00:17:58,381 --> 00:18:00,557
but to me, this isn't
just about the bike.
403
00:18:00,601 --> 00:18:01,732
Then what's it about?
404
00:18:01,776 --> 00:18:03,647
It's about me being independent,
405
00:18:03,691 --> 00:18:05,432
making my own choices.
406
00:18:05,475 --> 00:18:08,565
Okay, I've been working and
saving up money for a long time.
407
00:18:08,609 --> 00:18:10,219
I've earned this.
408
00:18:10,263 --> 00:18:13,570
Just because you earned it
does not make it a good idea.
409
00:18:13,614 --> 00:18:16,573
Well, maybe not, but it does
make it my call.
410
00:18:16,617 --> 00:18:19,228
Still... you are my baby.
411
00:18:19,272 --> 00:18:21,926
I know, Ma,
but I'm also my own man.
412
00:18:21,970 --> 00:18:24,103
You understand that, right?
413
00:18:24,146 --> 00:18:25,408
Of course I do.
414
00:18:25,452 --> 00:18:27,062
Then instead of
fighting me on this,
415
00:18:27,106 --> 00:18:30,196
I need you
to try being proud of me.
416
00:18:32,807 --> 00:18:36,115
Fine. I'm never gonna like it,
417
00:18:36,158 --> 00:18:39,596
but if it means that much
to you, I guess...
418
00:18:39,640 --> 00:18:41,990
I just have to accept it.
419
00:18:42,817 --> 00:18:44,340
Thank you, Ma.
420
00:18:44,384 --> 00:18:47,474
[sighs]And I promise, I will
be careful, okay?
421
00:18:47,517 --> 00:18:50,041
I won't be one of these
reckless idiots riding around
422
00:18:50,085 --> 00:18:52,435
with no idea what they're doing.
423
00:18:52,479 --> 00:18:55,221
[horn tooting, engine revving]
424
00:18:58,485 --> 00:19:00,182
Malcolm, pull
over there!
425
00:19:00,226 --> 00:19:03,316
And God help you if you
adjusted my seat, boy!
426
00:19:03,359 --> 00:19:05,405
Pop, what the hell are you doing
on my bike?!
427
00:19:05,448 --> 00:19:06,623
You're gonna kill yourself!
428
00:19:06,667 --> 00:19:08,321
Relax. I've been
riding motorcycles
429
00:19:08,364 --> 00:19:10,323
since before you were born.[tires screeching]
430
00:19:10,366 --> 00:19:11,759
Oh!
431
00:19:11,802 --> 00:19:13,152
[crashing]Calvin!
432
00:19:13,195 --> 00:19:14,718
Ma, is he okay?
433
00:19:14,762 --> 00:19:17,156
CALVIN:
Damn it! The next time
I swerve into your lane,
434
00:19:17,199 --> 00:19:19,810
you better get out
of my way, fool!
435
00:19:19,854 --> 00:19:22,030
Yeah, he's fine.Yeah.
436
00:19:31,648 --> 00:19:33,476
Ooh, hey, Calvin.
You okay?
437
00:19:33,520 --> 00:19:35,217
Yeah, Tina said you
got in an accident
438
00:19:35,261 --> 00:19:37,045
on Malcolm's motorcycle.
439
00:19:37,088 --> 00:19:40,266
Well, what all did she tell you?
440
00:19:41,310 --> 00:19:43,356
Well, that was pretty much it.
441
00:19:43,399 --> 00:19:46,185
Oh, okay.
So here's what happened.
442
00:19:46,228 --> 00:19:48,491
I was cruising
443
00:19:48,535 --> 00:19:50,406
down Franklin,
and this big rig--
444
00:19:50,450 --> 00:19:52,278
it jackknifed right
in front of me.
445
00:19:52,321 --> 00:19:53,801
And I... and I realized
there's no way
446
00:19:53,844 --> 00:19:55,411
that I'm gonna get off
of this thing.
447
00:19:55,455 --> 00:19:58,414
So... so I slid. I was like...
[imitates screeching]
448
00:19:58,458 --> 00:20:00,286
And then I came out,
and there was some kids
449
00:20:00,329 --> 00:20:01,852
in the crosswalk,
and I was like,
450
00:20:01,896 --> 00:20:04,203
"Oh, Lord, look at these kids.
There's no way."
451
00:20:04,246 --> 00:20:05,421
So I had to pop a wheelie,
like...
452
00:20:05,465 --> 00:20:07,467
[imitates engine revving]
453
00:20:07,510 --> 00:20:09,469
And then the kids,
they was like "Save me."
454
00:20:09,512 --> 00:20:11,297
It was like, "Thank you,
mister." And I was like,
455
00:20:11,340 --> 00:20:13,734
"Fine, kids. It's what I do."
You know?
456
00:20:13,777 --> 00:20:16,432
There was a curb there,
and for whatever reason,
457
00:20:16,476 --> 00:20:18,869
it was a family of ducks,
and I was like, "Aah!"
458
00:20:18,913 --> 00:20:21,220
And that's when I hopped.
That's when I hit the curb,
459
00:20:21,263 --> 00:20:24,353
and I was like,
"Hey, hey! There you go."
460
00:20:24,397 --> 00:20:26,007
And everybody was safe, though.
461
00:20:26,050 --> 00:20:27,704
The animals were cool,
and the kids were happy,
462
00:20:27,748 --> 00:20:29,271
and I gave 'em money
for pizza.
463
00:20:29,315 --> 00:20:32,318
Uh, but, uh, I don't like
to talk about it, man.
464
00:20:35,016 --> 00:20:37,018
Wow.
465
00:20:37,061 --> 00:20:39,368
Wow. Well, uh,
466
00:20:39,412 --> 00:20:41,718
we had a pretty wild
weekend, too.
467
00:20:41,762 --> 00:20:43,546
Uh, Gemma swam
in a hotel fountain
468
00:20:43,590 --> 00:20:46,332
and rode her suitcase
around a luggage carousel.
469
00:20:47,158 --> 00:20:49,987
Only after Dave drank a
mini-fridge full of vodka
470
00:20:50,031 --> 00:20:52,816
and chased it with half
a jar of bath beads.
471
00:20:52,860 --> 00:20:55,906
Guys, if you're just gonna
make stuff up,
472
00:20:55,950 --> 00:20:57,778
I'm gonna go inside.
473
00:21:03,044 --> 00:21:04,959
Captioning sponsored by
CBS
474
00:21:05,002 --> 00:21:07,004
Captioned by
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