All language subtitles for Scream Queens (2015) S02E03 Handidates

Previously on scream queens....
Does this killer wear

A mask with horns and leave
a trail of green slime?

You know who the killer is.

I also know
that there's a connection

To the halloween murders
that happened 30 years ago.

1986.

The entire hospital staff

Was murdered

On halloween night.

Are you guys boning?

I want you back.

Back off chanel.

I'm the recipient of the world's

First complete hand transplant.

Dr. Brock holt

Has the hand of
one of the world's

Most notorious serial killers.

Now you know my secret.

I love you so much,
chanel #5.

Ladies... We have another
serial killer on our hands.

And the killer is...
Number five!

What? Me?
Yes. You.

I think poor, warty tyler here

Probably saw you naked and
gagged, and you were so enraged,

You decided to he had to die.

What are you talking about?
I didn't kill him,

I was with you the whole time!

So? You were with us
a whole lot at kappa house

When folks were getting killed
left and right.

And i'm still convinced
you were responsible

For at least some
of those murders.
You guys.

There's a serial killer
on the loose, and hester said

She had information
about who it might be.

I think we should give in
to her outrageous demands

For discontinued
designer cosmetics

And get her moved
to this hospital.

You idiot!
She'll try to kill us!

Number five is right.
Neckbrace is dangerous.

First, we need to do a little
detective work on our own,

And then we'll go to hester.

all right.

Let's get this body
down to the meat locker.

Last time we tried to hide a lot
of bodies in the meat locker,

Like, every single
one of them got stolen.

What is going on in here?

Chanel #5: Shouldn't we
call the police?
Girls!

This place is called
the c.U.R.E. Institute.

Do you know what
the opposite of cure is? Death!

Now, if word gets out
that we have two dead patients,

At a hospital where the chanels
just happen to be working,

That has the distinctive odor
of another serial killer

On the loose, and we
cannot have that.

Because all my hard work
will be for naught,

They'll come in here
and close this place down,

And i'll die!
Wait, what?

I-i just meant that

I've poured so much
into this place

That if they ever closed it,
i would just die.

Now, come on.

We have to get tyler
into the swamp.

Come on!

Chanel #5: Wait, what? We can't
just throw him in the swamp,

That's, like,
destruction of evidence!

We are not destroying anything.

Swamps preserve things.

She's right. Every week, we hear
another story about somebody

Discovering a perfectly
preserved caveman in a swamp.

You're thinking of a bog.

Okay, fine. I'm glad you took
a class in comparative wetlands.

Maybe you could put in
the same effort

Into figuring out
who the killer is!

It could be any of you.

That's why we have to
dispose of this body.

It will buy us time so
i can solve this internally.

I would just like
to say my good-byes.

Oh, dear god.

Tyler...

I loved you.

Warts and all!

Oh, my god. Did you just
make his corpse barf?

On three. One,

Two...

Three!

All right.
Let's get back inside

Before anybody sees us.

And not a word about
this to anyone

Ever.

I love you, tyler!

gross.

Okay, we get it,
number five.

Another one of your
boyfriends was murdered.

Get over it.

Hot dog!

Anyone around?

Think my jumping frenchman
of maine disorder

Is cured.

Hello?

Oh! Hi there.

This some kind of test?

Fantastic. I honestly don't feel

Any anxiety at all.

I mean, you look very scary,
i'm gonna give you that.

But no,

All i feel is just
happy to be alive

And ready to take on the world.

Oh!

Wow! This is incredible.

I'm transformed...

God! That hurts! Oh!

No, no, no...
Please, please, please...

Oh, god!

Hello, chanels.

Dean munsch.

Hester,

We come to you today
not as adversaries,

Whom you had committed
to an insane asylum

After framing us for a series of
murders that you orchestrated,

But as fellow chanels.

What's with the old
exercise video?

Sweatin' to the oldies 2.

When you leave, they'll
turn the volume way up.

The warden does enjoy
her petty torments.

Someone is targeting
the patients

At the c.U.R.E. Institute.

Two have been murdered,
and a third... Is missing.

He's dead, isn't he?

Of course he's dead.

You know who the killer is,
don't you?

I know who it is
because it's obvious.

The clues are right there
in front of you,

But i'm not gonna answer
any more of your questions

Until you give me what i want.

A transfer to your hospital,
and a room with a view.

you see,

That transfer's
never gonna happen.

You're never gonna
leave this asylum.

But i did acquiesce
to one of your requests.

there it is.

A room with a view, 1985.
Vhs version.

Enjoy it.

Don't toy with me, sluts.

The longer you stall,
the more outrageous

My demands will become.

Now, i insist. You finalize
the purchase in my name

Of a timeshare in cabo san
lucas, where i will enjoy

Six all-expense paid weekends
a year, no blackout dates!

You're insane!

The clock is ticking, munsch!

The killings will
only get worse

Until i get what i want.

Body count is about
to go through the roof.

And from what i hear,

This "green meanie" will make
the red devil look like...

A girl scout.

Please, hester. He's murdered
number five's hideous boyfriend.

Please tell us who it is.

All good things come
to those who wait.

Oh, hester, please!
Hester, help us.

Somebody was killed
at the hospital yesterday,

And you're gonna tell us
who the killer is!

the clues are right
in front of you, chanel!

Oh...

Your skin is looking
a little dry.

Maybe you should try some

Esrun cream.

"esrun cream..."

Oh, what is it?
It's a text.

From chad radwell.

See, he's saying,
"i know who the killer is."

Which means, we didn't have
to come here in the first place.

I hope you rot in here forever.

Girls! Ride is leaving.

Door!

Pretty damning evidence,
is it not?

I-i don't understand...

All this is,
is a file of the man

Who was dr. Brock's
hand transplant.

There's a serial killer
somewhere in this hospital.

He probably had
something to do with that dude

That looks like
the fruit of the looms grapes,

And my good buddy randal
disappearing from said hospital

Without being discharged
or cured.

Dr. Hairline over here

Has the hand
of a deranged serial killer.

We know from every
horror movie ever

About people getting the hand

Of a serial killer
put on their body--

That hand eventually takes over

And starts murdering folks.

There is zero
scientific evidence

Of any transplant recipient
exhibiting behavior

Related to the donor.

Wait, wasn't your hand
doing all that crazy stuff

At the movie theater?
Yes, it was my hand,

But occasionally,
it spasms and sort of

Gives the appearance of,
uh, a life of its own.

But i swear to god,
i would never

Kill anyone with it.

Chanel.

You have no choice
but to reject this man

And that gay, murdering hand,
and start boning me again.

Chanel, before you say anything,
i just want you to know that i'm

The highest paid
sperm donor in the state.
Oh, my sperm?

Are we talking about sperm?
Yeah, we're talking about sperm.

Oh, that's great.
We having a sperm-off?

no.
Oh! Okay.

'cause you know what?
I would win,

Because i banged both women

In this room.

With my sperm!
Enough!

I don't choose you, dr. Brock.

And i don't choose you either,
chad.

I choose me.

Chanel oberlin.

And i am not some
little girl anymore

Who can be easily seduced
by whichever man comes along

And has the most money,

Or is the most rich.

I will date who i want to date.

Thank you.

Does anyone else find it odd

That people started
getting attacked

And disappearing at the same
time chad showed up? I mean,

If there's a killer
amongst us...

I say it's you, chad.
Yeah.

hey.

Listen. Chad is a moron.

I mean, he's probably

The dumbest person i ever met.
And he's definitely

The worst lay i ever had,

But that being said,

He does have a point.

This hospital must stay open.

The work being done here
must continue.

It's very personal to me.

We can allow nothing to deter
patients from coming here,

Including risking them
being scared off

By the possibility--
however remote it may be--

That we have a chief surgeon

Whose hand takes over his body
and starts killing people.

You're not gonna
fire me, are you?

No! You're a brilliant surgeon,
and very easy on the eyes,

But i think we're gonna have
to do something about that hand.

Outstanding.
I will go get my axe.

No, we're not chopping off
his hand in the o.R.

We are gonna look
for a new donor.

Preferably someone
who hasn't been arrested

For multiple murders.

It is that...

Or i'm afraid i'm gonna
have to let you go.

Oh! Ooh, yes! Yes! Aah!

Mm!

Aah!

By my count, that was

The fourth orgasm you've had
since you've been in here.

And my 27th of the day.

And it's 9:00 a.M.
I'm sorry.

I just have
to know your secret.

I am in hell.

That's my secret.

Two months ago,

I was in the middle
of teaching my yoga class,

And as i was coming out
of sirsa padasana,

I had this, like,
spontaneous orgasm.

And i thought it
was funny at first.

And then i had another one
a few minutes later.

And then i had another one
in the locker room.

And then another one in the car
on the ride ho... Oh! Whoa!

Mm! Oh, god!

It won't stop.

It's destroying my life.

My husband left me,
because he immediately realized

That all my orgasms
with him were fake.

I am begging you.
Please make it stop.

I'll do anything.
Remove my vagina, i don't care.

Wait, can you actually do that?

How do you remove
negative space?

I don't know, but that,
that won't be necessary.

Um, you see,
you have what's called

"persistent genital
arousal disorder"

Or pgad.

Have you gone
through menopause or

Had hormonal treatments
recently?

They're known to be the cause.

No, nothing like that, um...

I-i don't do drugs or drink

Or anything.
Okay.

It's very hard to determine
what causes the disorder.

But it doesn't really matter
in terms of treatment.

Our first step
will be to treat you

To a heroic dose
of antidepressants.

Like what seaworld gives only
their most suicidal orcas.

Okay.

All right, well,
thank you, doctor.

I'll do anything.

Oh, so--
oh, god!

Chanel #3:
Who was operating
in here anyway?

A chad radwell guy

Was butchering cadavers
for some reason.

He said he was
practicing for surgery,

But mainly he was
just chopping off hands

And saying the f-word a lot.

Hey, you, um...

You seemed to be bummed out
by that consult.

There's something
i need to confide in you.

A secret no one knows.

I've never had an orgasm.

Oh, wow.

I didn't even know
what they were until recently.

I thought they were
just moans you did to let

The other person know
to roll off of you,

Like an "i'm ready
for you to stop" alarm.

That's terrible.

Orgasms
are pretty much

The only thing everyone
in the world agrees are great.

Well...

Until hamilton came along.

it's so original, right?

Oh, it reinvented theater.

I mean, a rap musical
about the founding founders?

Changed the world.

And you know what's
really telling about me?

I didn't even like it
that much.

This is all part of

A larger problem
i have in my life.

I am alive, but...

I'm not living.

If it was possible
for me to feel anything,

I would totally
be sobbing right now.

I understand.

Better than you know,
actually.

I have a secret of my own,
as well.

Something i never share
with anyone.

But since you opened up for me,
i want to do the same for you.

I'm dead.

You mean like "in trouble"?

No, like...

Dead, like, actually dead.

I don't understand.

It was my junior year
in high school.

My lacrosse buddies threw

A rad-as-hell kegger

And i got ham-dogged.

My buddies warned me
not to pass out on my back,

Or i would choke on my puke
like jimi hendrix and die.

The next morning
i woke up on my back,

Covered in puke,

And i realized i did die.

And now i'm cursed to walk
the earth for all eternity.

Like a highlander.

Hold up, there was sort of
a big leap in logic there.

Are you sure you didn't just
choke on your puke and die?

Yeah, everything was different.

I started to notice that dogs

Didn't bark at me anymore.

Wait, so if you're dead,

How are you breathing?
I don't know.

That's what i'm trying
to figure out.

That's actually why
i decided to become a doctor.

I needed to know if modern
medicine had an answer.

So far, it's just

Turned up more questions.

I have no clue.
Maybe it's

A night of the living dead
scenario?

Some sort
of zombie sitch or

Maybe there's, like, a task
that i have to accomplish,

Before the universe allows me
to die a natural death

And my immortal soul
is allowed to finally rest.

And after
what you just told me,

I'm starting to think
maybe that task

Is to help you
feel alive again.

That's very noble and romantic,
but i've seen so much

Death and tragedy
and had so much loss in my life,

That it's like
i'm encased in steel.

Chanel #3, i'm a doctor.

Bringing people
back to life is what i do.

I may be dead...

But you are not.

Please give me the chance

To help you see that.

Wow.

Your lips are super cold.

I told you.

I'm dead.

chanel #5:
C, a,

B, i,

T, y--
"cabity."

Triple word score.

"cabity" is
not a word.

Yes, it is.

It's what happens when you
forget to brush your teeth.

All right, fine.

Still beating you by 350 points.

Why are you guys playing
scrabble right now?

I got it off
of chamberlain's cart.

Scrabble helps me think
and it's good for the brain.

We have a mystery to solve.

I just don't understand
why she said

I need to use esrun cream.

I mean, my skin is amazing.

I moisturize
three times a day

With this really shady stuff
i have to order from china,

Which i've heard
is either

A) panda sperm,

Or b) stem cells
of political prisoners.

I mean, i don't know.
I don't ask questions,

Because i'm really pleased
with the results!

That's it!

Oh, hi there.

What are you doing here?

Just airing out my scroat, brah.

What?

Don't worry about it.

I said i'm airing out my scroat.

And i brought you
your list of handidates.

My what?
Your prospective list
of hand donors.

They're all in need
of fast cash.

And i'm pretty sure
none of them are serial killers.

Janusz brozowsky, 41, janitor.

He's ambidextrous.

Said he can still rock a mop
with just a left hand and a nub.

Fred barnsdall,

A 66-year-old accordion player.
Great guy.

There's danny rodriguez,
assistant manager at subway.

He said the job's
so boring he's just

Thinking about cutting
his hand off anyway.

Get out.

Also, i'm gonna be
performing the surgery.

No.

There's no way you're
performing the surgery.

There's yes way
i'm performing the surgery,

Because a) dean munsch loves me,

B) this is a teaching hospital,

C) i've been practicing
on a lot of cadavers,

And d) did you notice that

Our wangers
are about the same size?

now, remind me
again why we're here.

"esrun" backwards
is "nurse."

When i googled it,
this came up.

An article in central
florida realtor monthly

From about five years ago.
You know, we could've gone

Over all of this if you had
just flown with us on the plane.

Yes, well, i don't fly
commercial, just private.

All right, "the house
that esrun built.

"how nurse
lynn johnstone turned

"homemade hand cream
into the crown jewel

Of florida real estate,"
hmm.

So, there's a big

Mansion in the middle
of the everglades.

I still don't get what this has
to do with the green meanie.

None of us do, you idiot.

But, obviously, hester
wants us to find out.

This is some
good sleuthing,

Zayday williams.

too good.

Could you just stop?

It's obvious i'm not the killer.

Hello.

We're looking
for a lynn johnstone.

Is she here?

Excuse me, i'm lynn johnstone.

Mm?
You know,

Eight percent of nurses are male

And lynn is a noble celtic name.

It means "pool or "lake."

All right, pretty in pink.

Don't get your panties
in a bunch.

You mind if we come inside?

It's as hot
as fish grease out here.

And special agent hemphill

Is getting a little damp
in the crack.

Welcome to the house of esrun.

Watch your step.

There's moisturizer everywhere.

This is my in-home studio
where i film all

The esrun cream infomercials.

We are in 150
different countries

And last year we grossed
over $350 million.

Yes, well, that's
all very interesting,

But we're here about our lady
of perpetual suffering hospital.

Your name

Came up as a possible link

To some recent incidents
that transpired.

I used to work there.

I was there the night
it happened.

The night what happened?

An entire floor of patients
and staff were euthanized.

Say what now?!
I was in the bathroom.

Because i had to make
a big ol' number two.

(echo and the bunnymen's
"the killing moon" playing)

I was in that bathroom
for a while.

See, i had just started
taking psyllium husks.

And those things
scrub you like a brush.

So i was doing some
Vocalizations

To sort of work
through the discomfort.

And that explains
why i didn't hear anything.

I talked to one reporter,

But the hospital board
paid me $5 million

In hush money and made me sign
a nondisclosure agreement.

I put all of that money
into esrun cream!

Which is actually just jergens.

I put it in different
bottles and put

A sticker on it that says,
"approved by nurses"

And charge three,
four times the price.

So, wait, you never got
a glimpse of the murderer?

I didn't have to.

I know who did it.

In october of 1986,

I'd only been at the hospital
for a few months,

But i became best friends
with nurse thomas,

Who'd been there for years.

And one night before she
and everyone else were killed,

She was freaking out because
halloween was coming up,

And it reminded her
of the year before.

When a pregnant lady and
her husband came into the er,

And the doctors
let her husband die

And threw his body
in the swamp.

And a few weeks later,
nurse thomas,

Along with everyone else,
was dead.

I knew there had to be

A connection between that
halloween and the year before.

But i tried my best
to just forget about it.

But then a few weeks ago...

The phone calls started.

Esrun, approved by nurses,
lynn speaking.

I will come from the swamp,

Where you threw
all of the bodies.

What?

Who is this?

You have blood on your hands.

I am a proud male nurse.

This is harassment!

I'm going to kill again.

They were trying to hide it,

But i knew that
it was a woman's voice.

My first thought was,
"oh, my god,

It's that pregnant woman."

Or the baby
of the pregnant woman.

That occurred to me, too.

Chanel #5:
Or maybe the swamp

Is filled with
feminizing chemical agents

And they thought that it was
the guy that they drowned,

But he came back
as an androgynous swamp monster

Bent on revenge.

Yeah, i think
that's less likely.

Thank you very much, nurse.

We'll be in touch. Ladies!

We need these for evidence.

Well, i don't know why
you girls are so exhausted.

My flight was divine.

We had to
fly southwest.

We had a three-hour
layover in islip.

Yes.

But the trip proved helpful,

Because we now have
a definitive link

Between the murders in 1986

And what's been happening
at the hospital.

Hold on. This still
don't make sense to me.

If the killer wanted to avenge
the death of the patient

That those nurses and doctors
threw into the swamp,

Why he start killing now? Hmm?

He already got his revenge.

Those nurses and doctors
already dead.

That's right.

That wolfgirl, randal, tyler,

They were all patients.

Why would the killer want to
go after them?

Well, it makes perfect

Sense to me.

The killer wants revenge
on my hospital.

And the best way to do that

Is start killing patients.

Now, we already know

Who the killer is.

It's someone at this hospital.

Someone who's
over six feet tall,

Which means he's probably male,

Which rules out that mother.

But the baby she was
pregnant with,

That little boy,
was born in 1986.

That makes him...

Around 30.

So, it could be cassidy.

Or chad radwell.

Chad's our age!

Nuh-uh.

Chad told me when he was
in the second grade,

He got held back
for eight consecutive years.

His ass is 30.

Or... It could be chamberlain.

Chamberlain?

I mean, i guess it could be.

I just never would have
suspected.

I have to go!

Hmm. Janusz.

I need you to put your hand
on the cutting board

So i can saw your hand off.

It's a good looking hand.

It's gonna sting a little bit.

This is not how you
perform a surgery.

You might want to se--

You might want to
sedate the patient first.

Look, i know this is
a teaching hospital,

And i have no problem
with dean munsch

Letting you saw
the handidate's hand off.

In fact, i'm such
a good surgeon,

No matter how bad you
botch this up,

I'll be able to fix it
with one hand.

Okay.

You want to know what
no one likes?

A back seat hand surgeon.

And because you interrupted
my doctor flow,

I'm not gonna sedate
either one of you.

Stop the procedure!

We don't have to do the
transplant.

I know you're not the killer.

Somebody's killing a bunch of
folks in this hospital,

He's got the hand
of a serial killer.

No, no. No.

The killer is
around age 30.

Dr. Holt is
much older.

But you're not.

You are now my
prime suspect.

Thank you,
dean munsch.

Now, i can get back

Saving lives.

And winning the hearts of nubile
young medical students.

Oh, you think this is
the end of the movie.

It's not.

This is the
first part.

Where the bad guy
beats the good guy

And then the good guy
trains in a montage,

Comes back,
beats the bad guy,

Freeze-frame
into a kiss with the girl,

As my old and ethnic mentor
looks on!

Listen, howdy doody,

You're younger
than i am,

You're richer than i am,
but let me

Guarantee you one thing.

The next body i touch
with these hands,

Which i'm keeping,
will be chanel's.

And i'm gonna get in my car

And i'm gonna drive
to tiffany's.

I'm gonna hand
the clerk my wallet

And buy an engagement ring.

I'm gonna slip it
on her finger

And marry her.

I'm chad radwell.

And i always win.

No matter what.

I don't think you know
who i am.

Or what i'm capable of, chad.

The things i've done,
the things i'm willing to do.

If you're smart,

You will get in your car

And you will not come back.

I don't understand.

There's no history of
this kind of psychosis

In her life or family.

No, no!

I got all
type of-- oh!

Wait, i know
what this is.

This is what
chanel #5 is like

When she takes
an overdose

On her anti-depressants.

One time, she got
in a huge fight

With our couch,
and we took her to the doctor,

And he said it was
something called

Emotional lability.

Maybe because
mrs. Baumgartner

Doesn't need the
anti-depressants,

They're screwing with
her brain chemistry

And making her
act all nutty.

Oh, god!

Help me, please!

No!

Why do i have to
do the poses?

Can't you do them and let me
play the doctor part?

Well, i'm not
playing doctor.

I... Am a doctor.

Which means i'm the one who has
a rigorously tested knowledge

Of anatomy. So,

I have to be the one
to examine you,

While you get
into the same position

Sheila was in
when her condition started.

Can i just say,
for the record,

Before we begin,
that yoga is

Just stretching
for douchebags.

Noted.

Okay, so sheila said

When she first started
being symptomatic,

She was in a pose called
"sirsa padasana."

I can't do that.

It's okay.
Don't worry.

I'll help you.

Okay, perfect.

Great, now are
you feeling

Pressure anywhere
in particular?

There's an overall feeling

Like i'm gonna snap in half,
but if i really focus,

I can feel some strain
in my lower back,

Kind of running through
my pelvis.

And my butt entrance
feels tingly, but...

That's not unusual.

Um...

Chanel #3,

I'm gonna twist your hips

Just slightly, okay?

What was that?

It felt like you
touched my hooha.

Wh-what happened is, um,

Your sacrospinous ligament runs

From the outer edge
of your sacrum,

To the spine of
your ischium.

And your pudendal nerves run
right beneath that.

So, if there's any
irritation to it,

It would cause
inflammation,

Which would press against
the pudendal nerve,

And cause it to
fire uncontrollably.

So, sheila baumgartner
hurt her thing

While doing yoga
and that irritated

Her other thing, and...

That thing is
what's making her

Pop off all the time?

Yeah. Exactly.

So all i need to do is...

Block off her
pudendal nerve

With a simple surgery

And she's cured.

Chad!

Chanel!
Chad!

What is going on?

What do you mean?

Why does something have to be
going on?

Can't i just ask you to,

You know, meet me
in the park

And walk and talk
some things over?

No, chad. You can't,
because it's super weird

And it seems like
you want to murder me.

I mean, i actually brought

A stun gun!
Wha--

When was the last time
you wanted to,

A) go for
a walk with me,

Or b) have an
actual conversation?

Let's walk and talk.

Look, i've been doing
some soul searching.

I don't know why.

Maybe because another one
of my friends is missing

And presumably murdered.

or because

There's a hot surgeon
with a murdering hand

Obviously trying to
get in that box!

Anyway...

I've been thinking.

About you.

and me.

Us.

Okay.

chanel,

I'm in love with you.

What?

wha...

Even when i told all those
other chicks i was banging

How awesome it was that
they didn't have wangs,

And i was in love
with them,

Really, i was
in love with you.

Really?

Love, it's a funny thing.
Isn't it?

Chanel oberlin,

Will you...

Pedro?

Oh, my god, is this
really happening?

Get your lawyers to look over
this prenup.

Are you asking me
to marry you?!

Oh, not really.

I'll consider asking you
to marry me,

Um, if you sign
the prenup.

Uh, you're gonna want
a whole legal team to,

Kind of, look over this.
There's a lot of stipulations

And some pretty
specific riders.

Chad!

I feel like
i'm in a fairy tale!

Yes! Yes!
A thousand times yes!

Once the epidural kicked in,
the orgasms stopped.

Can't you just numb me
from the waist down forever?

That won't be necessary.

I just relieved compression
on your pudendal nerve,

So you should return
to normal functioning.

what will you do with
your newfound freedom?

I am gonna go to the movies,
and i'm

Not gonna worry about
getting kicked out

Because i'm too loud.

And then,

I'm gonna teach a yoga class

Till the very end.

I am gonna enjoy

All of life's pleasures
that have been denied me...

Since all this began.

And we...

Are finished.

Time to start enjoying life
again.

You okay?

I think it's the music, baby.

I get distracted by r&b.

You see, it stands for
rhythm and blues,

But it's the least bluesy style
of music

And its rhythm is hardly what's
most remarkable about it.

Yeah, that makes sense. Okay.

(upbeat old school
hip-hop plays)

I can't do new jack swing.

See, it reminds me of this film,
new jack city,

And then my mind immediately
goes to wesley snipes

And all his trouble
with the irs.

it's just so sad.

Very sad.

Okay.

Chanel #3,

I'm in love with you.

You'll always be safe with me.

Now, it's time for you

To feel the power...

And the glory...

Of the female orgasm.

I'm sorry.

I don't know what's wrong.

Maybe you're just...

Not into me.

No... I'm very
attracted to you.

It's just that
every time we touch,

You're, like,
freezing.

It feels like i'm
hugging a snowman.

Right, but, we dis...

We discussed this.

I'm dead. I...

Hot blood doesn't run
through my veins

Like it does yours.

You want proof?

61 degrees.

Oh, my god.
You are dead.

Where is he?
Who?

The patient!
You had me paged.

They said it was
an emergency.

There is.
I need to talk to you.

Also, uh, i need help tying
this old-fashioned bow tie

For my wedding tomorrow.

I mean, i figured
a guy like you,

Who was around
during the civil war

Would probably know how
to do it.

Okay, i have a dilemma.
All my best buds are dead.

Okay? My frat bros,
then randall

I got no one to be
my best man.

You don't have brothers?

Yeah, but i figure
they're probably busy and

Also kind of want to save 'em
to be my best man

For the second wedding.

You know, that's the one
that usually sticks, you know?

Anyway, i was kind of hoping
you'd do it.

I hate you.

But you love chanel!

Look, the best man's
most important job is

To make sure the groom
doesn't freak out

And leave his bride
at the altar.

You get what i'm saying here?

Mm-hmm.

You have cold feet.

look, you're
gonna get this

Because, obviously, we're
both really handsome.

Girls really want
to bone me, okay?

When i die,
i've left instructions

To grind me up
into a fine powder

To be given out
to underprivileged dudes

Who have trouble
getting laid.

Because i'm convinced if they
rub my essence on 'em,

They're pretty much
guaranteed to get ass.

Look, i'm not cut out
for monogamy, okay?

This is not what i do.

I mean, in a couple days,
once i bone a girl

At a stop light,
or at an ihop,

Or public park, i'll be
cheating on my wife.

I don't know if
i want to be that guy.

Then don't get married.

What? It's a little late
for that.

Getting left at the altar
works in julia roberts movies

Or on grey's anatomy,

But in real life,
that ruins you.

I don't want
to hurt chanel.

Isn't that weird?
I just want her to be happy.

I want her to have
a great wedding day.

I don't want my worries
about my future studliness

To get in the way
of her special day.

Whatever happens
down the road,

I want this day
to be for her.

Maybe i almost love her,
you know?

You're tying the bow tie
a little tight, bro.

It needs to be tight.

Hold on.

Okay...

I'll be your best man.

Hookers to celebrate?

Let's not.

Oh, and you should know,

When you guys
break up in six months,

I'm gonna be there
to comfort chanel

By having a lot
of sex with her.

I wouldn't have it
any other way.

It's a 29-carat
internally flawless

Fancy-vivid diamond
in the extremely rare

"whore cut."

Which is the preferred cut
for mistresses

Of russian billionaires.

Wow! That is
one huge diamond.

I know, right?
It's so heavy,

It comes with its own
chiropractor on call,

Has a built-in lojack system,
and is its own wi-fi hot spot.

Ladies, there's something
important i need to ask you.

It may be the most
emotional decision

A bride-to-be
has to make.

Chanel #3,

Would you be one
of my bridesmaids?

Of course i would,
chanel.

Zayday, would you
also consider

Being one of my
bridesmaids?

Chanel, i'm so touched.

I would love nothing more.

Chanel #5, would you
do me the honor,

Of being my ring bearer?

Wait.

Don't i get to be
a bridesmaid, too?
What?

No! News flash, number five,
we're not that close!

It's ring bearer
or nothing!

And just fyi,

You're gonna have to
dress up like a dog

And walk down the aisle
on all fours

With the ring sitting
on a cute little pillow

That is strapped to your back
like a tiny saddle.

Because having a dog
be the ring bearer

Is so hot in wedding trends
right now. Oh, and also,

The wedding is tomorrow.
What?
What?

Don't you need to,
like, plan a wedding?

Uh, yeah, i did, this afternoon.
Chad's super rich.

I just did a rush order
on everything.

Plus i need to strike
while the iron is hot.

If i wait too long,
chad might change his mind.

Or forget.

I'm getting married!

And this is your official
c.U.R.E. Discharge balloon.

This balloon means you've
officially been cured.

Oh, that is so sweet!

Now, does everybody who
gets cured here get one?

They will. You're
the first patient

That's been able to
get cured and survive.

Excuse me?
Nothing.

Well, i guarantee you this.

I won't be the last,
because i've already called

The local news,
and told them the story

Of my amazing care
i received here.

I plan on putting
both of you guys,

This whole hospital,
on the map.

Hello!

Aah!
All right, green meanie--

Whoever you are--

Let's go, bitch.

Zayday!

Oh, chamberlain,
you're gonna need

A hell of a lot
of stitches.

It's gonna be okay.

I don't understand.
Why didn't he or she

Come after you?

Denise, zayday.

To what do i owe
the pleasure?

We're here to welcome you
to the basement

Of the c.U.R.E.
Institute.

You know, i have to say
i am just delighted.

But i have to ask,
why the change of heart?

Well, your esrun lead
turned out to be legit.

So i pulled a few
strings at quantico

And had you
transferred here,

On the condition that
you cooperate

With our investigation.

Another patient in this
hospital was murdered.

The green meanie chopped
the orgasm lady's head off

Right before my very eyes.

Mm-hmm.
And tried to kill

That little chunky
black orderly.

But he refused
to kill me.

And i'd like
to find out why.

Probably 'cause y'all
working together.

Would you stop it!

What's so funny?

Stop laughing like that!
It's creepy!

Damn it,
you homely bitch,

You tell us who
the green meanie is

Before he kills again.

It's too late.

Isn't the groom supposed
to walk down the aisle first?

Chad asked me to come first.

He said i should
get used to it.

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