All language subtitles for The Mesed

Pastor Crawford:
Okay.

Everybody, eyes up here.
It's time to get started.

So, I was thinking this morning.

I was thinking about what it
was like being your age,

how I'd come to worship like
I was ticking off a to-do list.

I didn't get it like I do now,

and I thought, "Well, maybe I
should tell you guys a secret."

Do you know what we're
trying to do every Sunday

in church as adults?

We're trying to undo the things
we did when we were your age.

Think about it.
You're our future,

and you are at an age

where you are especially
vulnerable to evil.

Now when I say,
"Evil," I mean evil.

And you won't see it now.

You won't see it tomorrow.

But what feels like fun
is actually the enemy,

and that enemy is closing
the noose around your neck.

Bruce?!
Is anyone home?!

♪♪

While you experiment
and play with that yoke

like it's a toy and you think,

"Oh, just this once, just --

just a little longer,"
click.

It's got you.

[ Irma Thomas'
"Anyone Who Knows What Love Is
[Will Understand]" plays ]

♪ Anyone

♪ Anyone

Okay. Wait.
H-Honey. Honey.

♪ You can blame Can you stop it?

♪ Try to shame me

♪ And still I'll care

♪ For you [ Doorbell rings ]

They're here.

♪ You can run around

Eyes to camera.

♪ Even put me down Boys...

put your arms
around the girls' waists.

♪ Still, I'll be there for you

Yeah, or should I go up?
Okay.

♪ The world

♪ May be gone foolish

♪ They can't see you

♪ Like I can

You look really,
really beautiful.

♪ Oh, but anyone

Thanks.

♪ Who knows what love is

♪ Will understand

♪ Anyone

♪ Anyone

♪ Anyone ♪ I just feel so sorry

♪ Anyone ♪ For the ones

♪ Who pity me

♪ Anyone ♪ 'Cause they just don't know

♪ Anyone ♪ Oh, they don't know

♪ What happiness and love
can be ♪

♪ Ohhh ♪ I know

♪ I know to ever let you go

♪ Oh-oh, is more

♪ Than I could ever stand

♪ Ohhh, but anyone

♪ Who knows what love is

♪ Will understand

♪ Ohhh

♪ Anyone ♪ They will understand

♪ Anyone

♪ If they try love

♪ Anyone ♪ They'll understand

♪ Anyone

♪ Ohhh, try

♪ Anyone ♪ And understand

[ Inhales deeply ]

[ Insects chirping ]

[ Both breathing heavily ]

I want to try something.

[ Gasps ]

[ Both breathing heavily ]

[ Moaning softly ]

[ Both breathing heavily ]

[ Moaning softly ]

Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Jamie: [ Crying ]
Cameron, what the fuck?

Jamie.

What the fuck?

[ Crying ]

I can't fucking believe this.

I'm sorry.

It's just so messed up!

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

Woman: And by the time
I was in my 30s,

I didn't believe in God
at all.

You know what, George?
It wasn't until --

George: The Scripture
we're referencing

is Matthew 10:11,

and if you go
to Matthew 10:11,

you'll probably know
this one.

Uh, whatever town
or villa--

[ Engine shuts off ]

Hey.

Hello.
[ Chuckles nervously ]

I'm looking
for Reverend Rick.

He's still in a sermon.
I'll take you to him.

I'm Cameron.
I know.

♪ Want to see the land
so pure and true ♪

♪ No, there's nothing
I wouldn't do ♪

♪ Just to be born anew

[ Acoustic guitar strumming ]

♪ Just to be born anew

♪ In Your eyes, my savior

♪ In Your heart, my savior

♪ In Your love, my savior

♪ My Lord

[ Strumming continues ]

[ Song ends ]

[ Chuckles ][ Applause ]

All right, guys. Time's up.
See you at dinner.

[ Zippers zipping
and unzipping ]

Erin's a big Vikings fan,
aren't you?

Guilty as charged.
[ Chuckles ]

But don't worry.
You'll get decorating
privileges soon.

You have to earn certain
rights at God's Promise.

I swear it's not that bad --
just decorating and mail.

Most disciples get there
in a few weeks.

It's all spelled out
in the contract.

Maybe in the meantime,
you'll become a Vikings fan.

Who's your favorite team?I-I don't have one.

I'm impressed.

It's pretty rare
that I don't manage to --

Oh, spoke too soon.
[ Chuckles ]

I'm guessing The Breeders aren't
singing in praise of the Lord.

Where did you get this?

Columbia House.

I'm done here.

Take a look at the contract?

Yeah.

All that's left is your
signature, and we're good to go.

I think you're going to do
really well here, Cammie.

Perfect. Now you're officially
a disciple of God's Promise.

Welcome.

Whoo!

[ Sighs ]

Fuck.

I want you to put on
your clothes and leave.

No, you don't.
Yes, I do.

[ Voice breaking]
No, you don't.

This movie's weird.
[ Chuckles ]

I want you to leave.

You knew that was
going to happen.

[ Chuckling ]
No, I didn't.

I wouldn't know
what to do.

You can start by putting

the do-not-disturb sign
on the door.

I really didn't know
it was going to happen.

Yes, you did.

No, I didn't.
Yes, you did.

That part went smoothly.

I'm not...

taking off my robe.

Well, everybody
draws the line somewhere.

I don't usually...

...feel this way.
It's blocking me.

I don't know
if I've ever felt...

this way before.

[ Indistinct talking]

Tell me when to stop.

[ Talking continues]

[ Hinges creak,
flashlight clicks ]

[ Breathing heavily ]

[ Flashlight clicks ]

[ Breathing heavily ]

I think if your top priority
is to get better,

that should also be
true of the people

you surround yourself
with, you know?

And you think you're
getting...better?

Of course.

I've been brought
closer to God,

and I can feel
Him guiding me.

Like, Helen's
a really good friend,

and we're positive
influences on each other.

That's her by the milk.

It's a shame she's so...Hi!

Well, she's kind
of butch, isn't she?

[ Chuckles softly ]

I know that's a mean word,
but I mean it, like,

factually, like,
not in a mean way.

That girl's name
is Jane Fonda --

like, her actual name.

[ Speaking indistinctly ]

Either that or she's lying.

She could be lying.

Mark is really cool.

Don't look now,
but he's at my 12:00.

You looked.

He has a really nice
singing voice,

and, okay, you have to promise
not to tell anyone,

but I have a really
big crush on him.

My lips are sealed.

Rick is such an inspiration.

Do you know he used to struggle
with same-sex attractions?

Really?

Yeah, and he's been
in recovery for years,

and now he and Bethany
are girlfriend and boyfriend.

Yeah. How cute is that?

I think they could
both do better.

Totally.
Wait. What?

Honey, what grade were
you starting at school?

Um, 11th.

Oh, great.
I think we have that one.

Okay.

Uh...ah.

Here we go.

Does this look right to you?

Yes.[ Chuckles ]

I apologize
for the interruption,

Ms. Kimballs-Ericson.

I've come to meet
our new disciple.

Welcome, Cameron.
I'm Dr. Lydia Marsh.

I'm the director
of God's Promise.

Hi.

It's a pleasure
to meet you.

I know the adjustment
can be difficult at first,

but I have every faith you'll
find yourself at home here soon.

In the meantime,
please don't hesitate to ask

if you need anything.

Thank you.

You should consider yourself
amongst family, Cameron.

You can call me "Cam."

"Cameron" is already
a masculine name.

To abbreviate as something
even less feminine

only exacerbates
your gender confusion.

Right.

Glad we're
on the same page.

I have told you

to keep your hair

out of your eyes.

There's no hiding from God.

[ Door opens ]

[ Door closes ]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[ Breathing heavily ]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

Would you say that the tip
of the iceberg looks scary

to the people on the boat?

Yeah.

It's all the people
on the ship want to focus on,

but we know it's not
the real problem, is it?

No.

Um, the same can be said
for your same-sex attraction.

The sin is so overwhelming

that we become fixated on it,

but the problems we
really need to deal with

are below the surface.

Your attractions are a symptom
of a larger problem.

We're going to spend our time
together like detectives

investigating what
in your past led you here,

especially your relationship
with your parents.

What relationship?

They died a long time ago.

I know we're throwing
a lot at you.

How are you feeling?

Good. Good. I'm good.
I-I --

I've just never thought
of homosexuality like this.

There's no such thing
as homosexuality.

There's only the same struggle
with sin we all face.

Would you let drug addicts
throw parades for themselves?

No. No, you wouldn't.

Sin is sin.

Your struggle is with the sin
of same-sex attraction.

The first step is for you
to stop thinking

of yourself as a homosexual.

But I don't think of myself
as a homosexual.

I mean, I don't really think
of myself as anything.

You should think of
yourself as a Christian.

We're here to support you.

Rick did the work, was able
to overcome his own illness,

and I have no doubt that
you're capable of the same.

I've been right where you are.

I know how you feel.

♪♪

Is that your mom?

She really looked like you.

[ Sighs ]

Erin:
How's the iceberg coming?

Good.

Good, just slow.

Oh, cool.

I have gender confusion
'cause of sports, too.

Wow.

Cool.

See you later.

Erin: "Too much masculine
bonding with Dad over football."

Right up the middle!

Yeah!Yeah!

"Jessica's beauty,

resulting in feelings
of feminine inadequacy."

Mark: "Lack of physical
affection from my father."

"Infatuation with soccer coach
at Holy Light Summer Camp."

Helen: "Inappropriate obsession

with Vicki Jones
from church choir."

♪ This little light of mine

♪ I'm gonna let it shine

♪ This

"Unresolved sexual trauma
from 9th grade

when Orin Bursock
slapped my backside."

Adam: "Too much bonding with Mom
over feminine activities."

"Belief in winkte
conflicting with the Bible."

Jane: "Early exposure
to illegal drugs and alcohol

at the commune."

♪♪

"Lack of stable
and singular masculine -- "

What are you doing?

Oh, um, I'm sorry.
I was just --

What?

I was looking
at your iceberg.

Everyone does it.

You done yours yet?

No, not yet.

You run, right?
Yeah.

[ Sighs ] Just talk about
how positive reinforcements
for sports

messed with your
gender identity.

They love that shit.

[ Chuckles softly ]

And how your parents gave you
too much physical affection

or not enough
physical affection.

Either way,
that's why you're gay.

My parents are dead.

That should probably
go in your iceberg.

You grew up in a commune?

Yeah.

I didn't know hippies
were evangelical.

They're not.
My mom's new husband is.

One last question.I was in a car accident.

I was actually going to ask you
where you got your weed.

I beg your pardon?

I saw you and Adam
in the cellar.

I grow it myself.
It's ditch weed.

I already harvested,
but there are some stragglers

Adam and I are going
to check out Thursday.

[ Sniffs ]

You don't really seem like the
kind of person that'd be here.

Why? 'Cause I'm
such a dick magnet?

No, just...

I didn't have a choice.

Did you?

Helen: I will not pray
for God to change me

because God does not
make mistakes,

and I am the one
who is tempted by sin.

Change will come
through God

but within me.Me.

I must be the change.

Steve: I've always known
I didn't want to act

on my same-sex attractions,

so, in the past, I would
resort to...self-pleasure.

Then when I learned
that that was a sin, also,

I stopped,

but it's like...
shouldn't it be okay

if it's
instead of acting out?

What?

You can't get a pass
from God to jerk off.

Who asked you?

Steve, what are
you experiencing?

I'm experiencing irritation.And why are you irritated?

It's like he thinks he's better
than everybody else.

Helen: I feel that, too.

Like, look
at his body language.

Yeah, Steve's projecting his
masculine securities onto me,

and Helen has to have
an opinion on everything.

That's not true.

Dane brings up
some interesting points.Really?

It's like he can't do anything
wrong because of his past.

You have no idea what
you're talking about!

Okay. Then, Dane,
just tell us.

No.

You don't go get to tell
your reverend later

about how you met
a junkie in treatment.

I'm not like you,
and I'm glad I'm not like you.

I don't even know you,
but one look at you,

and I can tell
you're a dyke.

[ Laughs ]

How are you finding
God's Promise, Cameron?

Uh...good.

I hope you use this time
as an opportunity to examine

the way you respond
to discomfort.

Okay.

Dane, this instinct
of yours to punish others

for not having experienced
the kind of trauma you have,

who does it remind you of?

My father.

I can't hear you.

My father.

Hey. How's it going?

It's okay.

Follow me.

So, this worked for you, then?

Like, you changed?

Yes. I changed.

How?

[ Sighs ] It was a process.

[ Chuckles softly ]
It's funny, actually.

The moment things began
to turn around was in a bar.

Bar?

Yeah. A gay bar,
of all places.

Two men from my church
came in.

They saw my car
parked outside,

and they knew
I'd been struggling,

so they came in
looking for me.

Wow.

It was God, Cameron.

I asked for His help,

and He gave it to me
in the form of those allies.

I was so deeply unhappy,

but I didn't think
I was worth saving,

and I wonder if you've
asked that of yourself.

Are you worth saving?

[ Ball clacking ]

[ Up-tempo music plays]

♪ It's gonna be fun
to Blessercize with Jesus♪

♪ To be fit for Him
in every way♪

♪ He will bless my body, soul,
and spirit...♪

You know it's God who created
these bodies of ours,

and it's God who blesses them,

and with His help,

we can keep these bodies
working in optimum condition.

Are you ready to start

your "Fun to Be Fit"
Blessercize program?

Huh? Come on, everybody!

All right!

You know, for too long,
we have disassociated

our spiritual selves
from our physical selves,

and it was only after the...

only after I decided
to give God my body

as well as my spirit and soul
that I discovered health --

I mean, more energy

than I think
I've ever known in my life!

Keep it going. Good!

You know, there's another
kind of warm-up that we do.

Out you go and over.

In fact, I think it's the most
important warm-up of all.

It's our spiritual warm-up.

After all, that's what this
whole program is all about.

And up. Let's warm up
with a Bible verse.

Hey. Jane.

Just in time.

It's a really intense hike.

Your shoes don't
look right for it.

Jane and I are wearing
the exact same shoes.

Don't be so paranoid.

A warning would be nice.

♪♪

So, they let you go on hikes
whenever you want?

It's a gender-neutral sport.

I mean, couldn't we
just walk off?

And go where?

Yeah, should we go directly
to Times Square to turn tricks,

or would you rather try
break-dancing first?

What's worse -- karaoke night
or living on the streets?

Tough call.

What do you guys
think of Dr. Marsh?

I guess it's like having
your own Disney villain,

only this one won't
let you jerk off.

I find her kind of sexy.

Sex with Lydia would be like
fucking the mom from "Carrie."

Cameron, Lydia --
hot or not?

Ugh. No comment.

What's her deal anyway?

Like, I know why Rick is here,

but why does she
give such a shit?

She's not, like,
ex-gay, is she?

Ew, no.She's Rick's sister.

Seriously?
Yeah.

She degayed him.

Like, before, she was
just a regular therapist,

and then he became
her human guinea pig.

Wow.

I bet she gives, like,
wool socks for Christmas.

I'd be so down with
wool socks for Christmas.

My grandma would be down
for wool socks for Christmas.

Old-people tastes and
lesbian tastes run parallel.

How long have you
guys been here?

I started last fall,
and Adam came spring semester.

Do you still consider
yourself, like...gay?

Don't answer that.

You read our icebergs, but we
don't know shit about you.

How'd you get here?

Were you caught, or could
they just smell the SSA?

You don't have to answer
that if you don't want.

It's okay.

What's SSA?

Same-sex attraction.

Like, with Mark, you can just
tell by looking at him.

I'm pretty sure Erin
turned herself in,

and I think Helen
probably thought

she was going to music camp.

My boyfriend walked in on me
and this girl, Coley.

Shit.

Where'd they send her?

Nowhere.

It's fucked up.

It's not her fault.

You should forget about her.

Why?

I mean, who's to say
I haven't already?

It's just messed up
that your life had to stop

and hers didn't.

What happened
happened to both of us.

I'm sure you'll work it out
when you get out of here.

That sounded sarcastic,
but it's not.

This is my genuine voice.

[ Man singing indistinctly]

♪ I keep changing,
but you're still the same♪

[ Indistinct conversations ]

Lydia says we can
use the rec room

if we wake up
early enough.

Cool.

Tandy Campbell's
a huge deal.

I bet my aunt Ruth
totally knows about her.

I'm sure.

Blessercize has helped
so many people

find their bodies through God,

and I need a workout buddy,
so it's a perfect fit.

Sounds like a plan.

[ Mid-tempo music playing]

[ Baby crying ]

You should get in line.

You're stealing?

No. It's only stealing
if I actually leave

the store with it, okay?
I put it back on the shelf.

No. No way.

Erin, please.

You had the sin in your heart,
and that's what counts.

I put it back on the shelf.

I'm not being a good friend
if I ignore your sin.

Nice vest. [ Snickers ][ Snickers ]

Okay, fine. I'll tell Rick.

It's the right choice.

Hey, guys.
Hi, Mark.

So, I saw what happened.Yeah, I know. I'm sorry, okay?

I put it back on the shelf.Yeah, I-I know.

But I-I also think
Erin was right to stop you.

I know.
Thank you.

That took a lot of courage.Yeah, I know.

But maybe we could keep
this between us three?

Wait, really?
Wh-Why?

I think that you made
a split-second mistake

and you're sorry.

That -- That's just my opinion,

so, you know,
what do you think?

I don't know.

Well, you've learned
your lesson?

Yes. I'm -- I'm so ashamed.

I just want to look out
for you

the way I hope you'd
look out for me.

Yeah. Yeah, and you know
how much I appreciate that?

Thank you.

[ Music continues]

[ Cheers and applause ]

♪ Once upon a time

♪ I was all alone

♪ I was scared and I was idle

♪ I couldn't ask for help
when I needed You ♪

♪ 'Cause I was too full
of pride ♪

♪ Ahhhh ♪ And if anyone asks

♪ Ahhhh ♪ "Are you alone tonight?"

♪ Ahhhh ♪ You've been there
the whole time ♪

♪ Your footsteps
right behind mine ♪

[ Singing indistinctly ]

Check out Helen.

♪ You've been there
the whole time ♪

♪ Your footsteps
right behind mine ♪

Jane: Her panties
would be on that stage

if she wasn't so afraid
of the wrath of God.

♪ You've been there
the whole time ♪

♪ You've been there
the whole time ♪

♪ You've been there
the whole time ♪

♪ You've been there
the whole time ♪

♪ You've been there
the whole time ♪

♪ You've been there
the whole time ♪

♪ You've been there
the whole time ♪

♪ You've been there
the whole time ♪

[ Cheers and applause ]

♪♪

Helen: I want to use my voice
in service of God,

and I can't do that if I'm
living with sin in my heart,

and they could tell.

Of course, they could all tell
that I was struggling with SSA,

and they asked me
to leave the group,

and it was --
[ Sighs ]

Yeah, it was
the worst day of my life.

[ Indistinct conversations
in distance ]

[ Sighs ]

What about you?

I was running with her faster.[ Door closes ]

Did you hear that?
What?

Ruth: Cam, I'm home!

♪♪

Um...

[ Conversations continue ]

...I can't really
think of anything.

Don't overthink it.

When did your
same-sex attractions

get in the way
of your goals?

I don't know.

Why can't you try?

I mean, I am trying.

No, you're not.

What?
Is there a problem?

I'm -- I'm sorry.
I don't...

I-Is this
just a joke to you?

What? I-I didn't
even say anything.

Exactly.
You never say anything,

and -- and your silence feels
aggressive and judgmental,

and it makes the space
not safe.

That's ridiculous.

Well, Helen perceives
hostility in your behavior.

You can agree or not,

but you must recognize
that that is her truth.

Well, I-I mean, what do you
want me to say?

Anything.
Just be honest.

[ Sighs softly ]

Tell us about that girl
you knew from home.

Okay. Um...

her name was Coley.

We were in the same
Bible study.

What was she like?

She was perfect.

But she wasn't
full of herself.

You know, she was
the type of person

that, no matter who you were,
you'd meet her,

and you'd -- you'd want
to be her friend.

It's said that cannibals
only eat the enemies they admire

as a way to take inside
their best qualities.

Okay.

When you speak,
you reveal a compulsion

to take into yourself

the qualities you
admired in this girl.

I wanted to be like her,

and I confused that
with being with her?

Correct.

I guess that makes sense.

[Chuckling ] It's like I thought
I was in love with Vicki Jones,

but...what I really loved
was her perfect pitch.

♪♪

♪♪

Looks like I'm going home
at the end of this semester.

Oh, cool.

Congratulations.

Can I ask you
a personal question?

Uh-huh, sure.

Do you believe in God?

Um...

...I-I guess I don't --
I don't really know.

Yeah. That's okay.

I guess every time...

I pray...

I kind of feel like
I'm being phony.

Yeah. I-I think everybody
can feel like that sometimes,

but I also think that
those are moments

where it's really important
to lean back on your faith

and trust that that
will take you forward.

I don't think I really
have any faith.

Or at least I don't...

really know how to go
about getting it...

[ Chuckles softly ]

...or if I really want it.

Look, I get it.
I'm not going to lie to you.

I can feel very lost.

But I find it important
to remember...

one foot
in front of the other.

You write here that
the positive reinforcement

you receive for athleticism
confused your gender identity.

Expand on that.

Um...

I don't know.

You must have had a reason
to put it on your iceberg.

Well, I was always
encouraged to compete.

You know, I was all-state
track and field,

so my entire family would
come and watch, cheer me on.

That's how you
earned their love?

No. I wouldn't say that.

They weren't...like that.

What were they like?

They were fine.

Cameron...

if your parents
were still alive,

do you think they'd
be proud of you?

Uh, I don't know.

Your aunt said they had
concerns about you.

Cameron, your progress
is dependent

on the effort you put in,

in our work together.

Your success or failure
is entirely in your own hands.

Do you understand that?

Okay.

Okay.

[ Erin snoring softly ]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

Fuck.

[ Sighs ]

[ Snoring continues ]

[ Sighs ]

[ Indistinct conversations ]

[ Woman singing indistinctly]

[ Conversations continue ]

[ Dialing ]

[ Ringing ]

Coley: Hello?

Hey.

Uh, it's me...

Cameron.

Hey.

Are you at that place?

Yeah. Um...

listen, I've been thinking
about what happened,

and I just want
to say I'm sorry.

It was really shitty
the way it all went down.

Yeah.

Did you get my letter?
I sent you a letter.

Wait, really?
Yeah.

Rick: Hey, guys!
Time to wrap it up!

Bethany:
Hey, eyes up here, guys!

Coley, I have to --
I have to go.

I'll call you back.

How long did it take you guys
to get mail privileges?

I don't know.

Like, two months --
maybe longer.

Hey! I did it!

Great!

[ Applause ]

What the...?

Hey, Adam.

What's winkte mean?

Adam: Winkte?
Why do you ask?

Um...

I read it...

on your iceberg.

Yeah. It's a -- It's a Lakotan
word for two-spirit.

It's like a --
It's like a third gender.

Okay, so, I am two-spirit,

which, uh, means I was born
with a man's soul

and a woman's soul,

and, uh, literally, "winkte"
means "killed by woman,"

so it's as if
the male part of me

is being killed
by the female part.

That make sense?

He's basically like
the Native American
David Bowie.

[ Chuckles softly ]
I'll take it.

So, why'd your parents
send you here?

His dad got into politics,

and then he converted
to Christianity.

Me being like this...

fucks his image.

Did, um --

Did Rick tell you guys the story
about how he was saved?

[ Chuckles softly ]

You mean how Christian allies
happened upon his car

in the parking lot of a gay bar
and went inside to investigate?

There was this, like,
weird staredown,

and everybody is like, "Fuck,"
and, finally, Rick is like,

"Oh, my God. Did you guys
come here to save me?"

They're like, "Oh, yeah. We were
driving, and we saw your car."

"You drive the blue --""Gray Toyota Camry," yes.

"Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Of course."
Mm-hmm.

We were driving.
We saw it, and we were like,

'Wow, Rick really needs
our help finding God,'

and that's why we're here,
not to suck your dick."

[ Laughs ]

[ Laughs ]

[ Woman singing indistinctly]

[ Young woman laughs ]

[ Singing continues]

That's really good.

Adam: I'm too stoned
for art therapy.

Cameron: I'm sorry.
How is this supposed to help us?

Just think of it as a test
of how far your bullshit

can take you. Like...[ Laughs ]

...let's see. Um...

this woman riding a horse?Mm-hmm.

She's you galloping away
from a past of gender confusion

and into a bright future
of opposite-sex lovemaking.

And, uh...

hold on.

This cat --

and this cat is the devil.
Think of it as your past,

the temptations
and the dangers and --

Hey, how are you?

Good work, Adam.Thank you.

"Good work, Adam."

This Pillsbury Doughboy?

Domesticity and
comfort and family.

I mean, just imagine you're
all sitting at a table together

eating crescent rolls
like a healthy American family.

It's like watching Michaelangelo
paint the Sistine Chapel.

[ Snickers ]What? Why are you laughing?
You know I'm right.

That is why I'm laughing.

I mean, the system
is working on you.

Fuck you. No, it's not
working on me at all.

[ Music cutting in and out]

[ Radio tuning ]

♪ Oooh♪

♪ Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh♪

♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh♪

♪ Ooh, ahh, ahh, ahh, ahh, ahh♪

♪ And I try♪

♪ Oh, my God, do I try♪

♪ I try all the time♪

♪ In this institution♪

♪ And I pray♪

♪ Oh, my God, do I pray♪

♪ I pray every single day♪

♪ For revolution♪

Whoo!
[ Chuckles ]
It's really embarrassing.

♪ And so I cry sometimes♪Please -- Please don't stop.

♪ When I'm lying in bed♪

♪ Just to get it all out
what's in my head♪

♪ And I♪[ Wolf-whistles ]

♪ I am feeling♪Get up on stage.

♪ A little peculiar♪

Sing it.♪ And I wake in the morning♪

♪ And I step outside♪

♪ And I take a deep breath♪

♪ And I get real high, and I♪

Whoo!♪ Scream from the top
of my lungs♪

♪ "What's going on?!"♪

Come on, everyone!

♪ And I say,
"Hey, yeah, yeah, yeah"♪

♪ "Hey, yeah, yeah"♪

♪ I said, "Hey!"♪Helen!

♪ What's going on?!♪

[ Music stops ]

[ Breathing heavily ]

Back to work.

The station went static,
so we changed it.

Adam, if you don't get
that hair out of your eyes,

I'll shave it off.Yes, ma'am.

Cameron, come with me.

Shit.

Why now?

I think you'll benefit
from what's in those letters.

[ Door locks ]

Thank you.

[ Train whistle blows
in distance ]

Cameron: I'm sorry.

Jamie:
It's just so messed up!

[ Crying ]

I'm sorry.

Coley.

Are you fucking kidding me?

Coley, please just get
out of the car.

[ Crying continues ]

Coley, come on.
Just get out of the car.

[ Train whistle blows
in distance ]

F-Fuck!

Jamie, I --

"Dear Cameron,
I'm very angry at you

for taking advantage
of our friendship."

Shit.
Keep reading it.

"You already had this thing
in you, but I didn't.

When I think of
how long it took me

to gain the strength
to tell my mom --"

She told.
It wasn't Jamie.

What if she's right...

you know, like I-I-I
took complete advantage

of our friendship

and I wasn't even aware
I was doing it?

No.

Pink stationery does not
get to fuck with you.

[ Water running ]

This girl is spineless.

Let's say what you
did was fucked up

and you infected
her or whatever.

It was a shit move
to rat you out.

She was just trying to help me.

She's a fucking rat.And she misspelled "courage."

Stop it.

She's better than all of us.

And I hurt her.

What if this really is our only
chance and we're blowing it?

I'm tired of feeling
disgusted with myself.

Maybe you're supposed to feel
disgusted with yourself

when you're a teenager.

♪♪

♪♪

[ Dialing ]

[ Ringing ]

♪♪

Ruth: Hello?

Ruth?

Cam?

Hey.

What a nice surprise!
How are you?

[ Voice breaking ]
I miss you.

Are you okay?

[ Sighs ]

If I told you
I was unhappy...

and that I wanted
to come home...

would you let me?

Cam, come on.

You have to give it a chance.

You know I'm doing this
because I love you.

Don't you want to have
a family someday?

[ Crying ]

I love you, Cammie.

[ Crying ]
I love you, too.

[ Both crying ]

Bye, Ruth.

[ Crying ]

♪♪

[ Door opens ]

How are you feeling,
Cameron?

Um...

I'm okay.

You don't seem okay.

♪♪

I've been better.

You're facing the consequences
of your actions, and it's ugly.

Now what?

Now you stop fighting
the process.

♪♪

Are you ready?

You know it's God who created
these bodies of ours

and it's God who blesses them.

And with His help,
we can keep these bodies
working in optimum condition.

Are you ready to start
your "Fun to Be Fit"
Blessercize program?

Huh? Come on, everybody!

All right!

Let's engage in some
cardiovascular fitness

unto the Lord. Ready?

♪ It's gonna be fun
to Blessercize with Jesus♪

♪ To be fit for Him
in every way♪

♪ He will bless my body,
soul, and spirit♪

♪ And keep me with Him
every day♪

♪ I'm gonna sing praise,
hallelujah!♪

♪ 'Cause my body's
growing firm and strong♪

You know what we're doing here?

We're developing
our inner person.

You are heading toward
godliness, you see,

in every area of your life,

and that takes some work.

♪ The Lord
is gonna Blessercize♪

♪ Blessercize♪

♪ I'm growing stronger
every day♪

♪ I'm gonna make a new start♪

And that is your stomach
workout. Terrific!

♪ Blessercize♪

[ Chuckles softly ]

♪♪

Is there anything
I can help you with?

Cameron.
[ Gasps ]

Shh, shh. No. I'm sorry.
It's just me.

What the fuck?

You were making
a lot of noise.

I'm sorry. I'm fine.

What were you
dreaming about?

I don't remember, okay?
It was scary.

No, it wasn't.
Yeah, it was.

How would you know?
You weren't dreaming with me.

I was listening to you,
and those weren't scared noises.

It was. This is ridiculous.
Go back to bed.

I heard you.

I don't give two --

Let me do this.

[ Breathing heavily ]

[ Breathing intensifies [

[ Moaning softly ]

[ Moaning softly ]

[ Gasps softly ]

[ Breathing heavily ]

[ Breathing slows ]

No. I-It's okay.
I'm good.

What?

Get off.

Are you serious?

I should go back
to my own bed now.

Right now?

They could do a pop-in
at any minute.

[ Sighs ]

[ Breathing heavily ]

[ Exhales sharply ]

You can't tell anyone, Cam.

I won't.

I really do want
to get past this.

Yeah. I believe you.

I don't care if you
believe me or not.

I knew this would happen.

[ Chuckling ] I didn't.

Because you don't
think of me that way.

Is part of the reason
why you watch those
Tandy Campbell videos

'cause she's kind of hot,
huh?

We shouldn't encourage each
other's homosexual attractions.

Are you fucking
serious right now?

I don't want to talk anymore.
I just want to go to sleep.

[ Scoffs ] Okay. Well,
I mean, you're the one
that woke me up.

Tandy Campbell's
not even my type.

♪♪

[ Buzzing in distance ]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

God, please help so that
the pitch and lyrics

become second nature

and I can sing in
worship from my heart.

[ Mid-tempo music plays]

♪ So much to believe in

♪ We were lost in time

♪ Always thought of keeping

♪ Your heart next to mine

♪ But now that seems
so far away ♪

♪ Don't know how love
can leave without a trace ♪

♪ Where do silent hearts go?

♪ Where does
my heart beat now? ♪

♪ Where is the sound

♪ That only echoes through
through the night? ♪

♪ Where do all
the lonely hearts go? ♪

♪ Where do all
the lonely hearts go? ♪

Change will come through

God, but within me,
I must be the change.

Mark, why don't
you start us off?

I know you've had
an especially hard week.

No. I...

Every week
is especially hard.

Is there something --

Look, if you want me
to talk about my father,

then I'd prefer
if you just ask.

Sounds like you want to talk
about your father's decision.

I don't see what
there is to talk about.

I mean,
you've read his letter.

"I am denying your request

to return home at the end
of the semester.

You are still
very effeminate...

and this is a weakness
I cannot have in my home."

How did that make you feel?

I'd like to read a passage.

It's one of my
father's favorites.

Please do.

"There was given to me
a thorn in the flesh..."

"...the messenger of Satan
to buffet me,

lest I should be
exalted above measure."

"And for this thing,

I besought the Lord
thrice..."

"...that it might depart
from me."

[ Voice breaking ]
"And unto me he said..."

"...'My grace is sufficient
for thee...'"

"'...for my strength is made
perfect in weakness.'"

"Most gladly, therefore,
will I rather --

will I rather glory
in infirmities,

that the power of Christ
may rest upon me.

Therefore, I-I take --
I take pleasure in -- in --

in infirmities, in --

in reproaches,

in necessities,
in persecutions,

in distresses,
for Christ's sake,

for when I am weak,
then am I strong!

For when I am weak..."

"...then am I strong."

"When I am weak...

then am I strong."

♪♪

[ Shouting in distance ]

[ Vehicle doors close ]

♪♪

[ Vehicle departs ]

♪♪

There is no need for theatrics.

No, I've got this weakness,
but this weakness --

If weakness equals strength...Please sit down.

...then this weakness
makes me strong, right?

Discuss the passage
you have selected.

Give me the strength
of 10 Marks, of 20 Marks!

When I am weak, I am strong!
When I am weak, I am strong!

Mark, stop it!When I am weak, I am strong!

When I am weak, I am strong!

Mark!When I am weak, I am strong!

Stop it right now!Strong, strong!

♪♪

♪♪

I am strong!

[ Crying ] I am strong!

I am strong! I am weak!Stop it!

I will remove my foot

when you are ready to
get control of yourself.

♪♪

♪♪

[ Sobbing ]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

Rick: I know
that some of you are aware

that Mark had a little bit
of an accident last night.

Adam found him in the bathroom,

and we rushed him
to the hospital.

His dad's already flown out.

He is stable, and he's
going to be okay.

Dane: Fuck this.

You guys are talking
in circles.

If he didn't kill himself,
then what did he do?

Dane, yelling and swearing

won't help you feel better
about what happened to Mark.

See, that's where you're wrong,
'cause it does, actually.

It makes me feel
a fuck of a lot better.

[ Helen laughing ]

What the fuck is wrong
with you, Helen?

I'm sorry.

[ Laughing continues ]
I can't stop.

Okay. Everybody go
to your rooms.

We're going to have
individual one-on-ones.

[ Laughing continues ]

Go to your rooms
until we call you!

Helen and Dane, stay.

[ Laughing continues ]

Is he going to be all right?

I think so.

It is a serious injury.

This is
completely pointless

if you don't tell me
what's happened.

I can tell you what happened,
if that's what you want.

But it's -- It's, uh...

I can handle ugly.

Last night, Mark used a razor to
cut his genitals several times.

Then he poured bleach
over the wounds.

Adam found him.

If you were worried about him,
why did you leave him alone?

I don't have a very
good answer for you.

Is Adam okay?

I think so,
all things considered.

It is going to take him
some time to process.

How the fuck do you process

watching your roommate try
and cut his dick off?

What's he going to do,
put it on his iceberg?

You people have no idea
what you're doing, do you?

You're just making it up
as you go along.

[ Crying ]

I don't know how
to answer you right now.

I --

I'm so sorry.

I'm so sorry.

[ Crying continues ]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[ Breathing heavily ]

♪♪

♪♪

Um, mostly
independent study.

Do you have access to the
outdoors on a regular basis?

Yeah.

Do you feel safe
in your dorm rooms at night?

Yeah.

Do you feel threatened by staff
members or fellow students?

No.

Do you trust those
in charge here?

Not really.

You don't trust
the staff here?

Well, what do you --
I mean, trust them how?

Do you think they have
your best interests in mind?

No one's, you know,
beating us.

But you asked me
if I trust them.

And, sure, yeah.

I trust them to drive
the van safely,

and I trust them
to buy food, but...

Look, I know you're here because
of what happened to Mark.

Something didn't
just happen to him.

He injured himself.

While under the care
of this facility.

Correct, and that's
why I'm here,

to investigate the care
that is given

by those
who run this facility,

not to investigate
the mission of this facility,

unless that includes
abuse or neglect.

Yeah, but what about
emotional abuse?

Are you saying you're
being emotionally abused

by the staff here?

How is programming people
to hate themselves

not emotional abuse?

I've made note
of what you said,

and it will be
in the official file.

Thank you.

♪♪

I didn't even know
Mark shaved.

He doesn't.

It was my razor.

♪♪

I thought he was dead.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

Fuck this place.

♪♪

I'll steal the keys to the van.

We'll be in Canada by morning.

[ Chuckles ][ Chuckles ]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

I'm going to turn
the light off.

Okay.

♪♪

♪♪

[ Footsteps approach,
flashlight clicks ]

[ Flashlight clicks,
footsteps depart ]

Early bird
gets the worm, huh?

You know it.

What are y'all
doing up so early?

Um, we went on a hike.

Sounds fun.

[ Clears throat ]

So, how's it going?Good. Real good.

I found out we'll be getting
a new disciple --

young man from Indiana.

Looks like you'll be getting
a new roommate on Wednesday.

Oh, cool. Can't wait.

So, you seen any
new movies lately?

I finally watched
"Young Frankenstein"

on your recommendation.

[ Laughing ] I haven't laughed
that hard in a long time.

I figured
you'd like that one.

Mm. I love that part with
the elbow kiss, you know?

Right."Not on the lips!"

[ Both laugh ]

My dad and I
used to do that.

We should go, you know,
so we can make our day.

You guys are serious hikers.
I'm impressed.

Maybe next time I'll come.Yeah, definitely.

Have fun.

You, too.

Bye, Rick.Bye, Rick.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪ Sit around

♪ Sit around

Say something to him.

What kind of a slut
do you think I am?

My friend
thinks you're hot!

Hey, stop it!

Say something sexy.
Say something sexy.

Uh...pull my finger.

[ Chuckles ]

[ Engine revs ]Whoa!

Shit.
Dude!

[ Laughs ]

"Pull my finger."
"Pull my finger."

Yes.

Oh, man.

[ Chuckles ]

That is stupid.

Hey, it worked.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[ Mid-tempo music plays ]

♪ Once upon a time

♪ I was all alone

♪ I was scared and I was idle

♪ I couldn't ask for help
when I needed You ♪

♪ 'Cause I was too full
of pride ♪

♪ But I was walking on my own

♪ Ohhhh

♪ You've been there
the whole time ♪

♪ Your footsteps
right behind mine ♪

♪ And I am never scared
'cause I... ♪

♪ I'm never going
to be perfect ♪

♪ But with your love
I will keep striving ♪

♪ And I will ask for help
when it all goes wrong ♪

♪ And I will spread
Your love like fire ♪

♪ Ahhhh ♪ And if anyone asks

♪ Ahhhh ♪ "Are you alone tonight?"

♪ You've been there
the whole time ♪

♪ Your footsteps
right behind mine ♪

♪ I'm never scared because

♪ You've been there
the whole time ♪

♪ Your footsteps
right behind mine ♪

♪ I am never scared 'cause

♪ You've been there
the whole time ♪

♪ You've been there
the whole time ♪

♪ You've been there
the whole time ♪

♪ You've been there
the whole time ♪

♪ You've been there
the whole time ♪

♪ You've been there
the whole time ♪